Ep 299: Katherine Parkinson (Live in London)

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2:50No endless searching required. Thousands of growing businesses already trust Upwork to hire highly skilled freelance professionals for everything from one-off projects to ongoing support. It's free to sign up and posting a job is easy. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com, Upwork dot com. I'm Jake Stauk, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working.

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4:36live episode, the final Palladium show, James. We did a run of Palladium shows and this was the final one we recorded and of course the final one we are releasing. The 22nd of March, 2025 and our guest was Catherine Parkinson. What a legend Catherine Parkinson is. Amazing actor. We're so excited to have Catherine on the podcast. I've never worked with Catherine at all. Someone that I've admired so much all of her work. Big fan. So I'm very excited about this one. Yes, indeed. It was a great chat with Catherine. She is brilliant fun. Please remember that sometimes we'll make jokes in the show that go back to the first half.

5:14They might not make sense. Yes. But that's why you should have been at the show, baby. But if you do have questions about them, just tweet the off-menu Twitter and ask the great Benito for the... Just quote the thing that you don't understand. Yeah. And say, dear Mr. Benito, please, can you provide some contexto? And he will reply and let you know what that was a reference to. Yes, absolutely. and send you a signed chopping board. He will send you a signed chopping board. Of course, that goes without saying. We also get the audience to pick the secret ingredient and tonight, on this very night, they picked sardines.

5:44Sardines. Sardines, which is, of course, the title of the first episode of Inside Number Nine that Catherine starred in. Yes. Let's get into it. This is the Off Menu Menu of Catherine Parkinson.

6:02Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. taking...

6:08It's good, they're giving me time to think of something. Taking the porridge of conversation, adding the bananas of humour, the Biscoff spread of friendship, and removing the swastika tattoo of evil. That is Ed Gadball, my name is James Acaster, together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we're inviting a guest, and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Catherine Parkinson!

6:44Yes. The wonderful Catherine Parkinson. You all know the secret ingredient. Keep that in your head. Hopefully you won't have to kick out Catherine Parkinson. Let's get on with the wonderful episode, shall we? Let's do it. Yes, thank you, James. This is the off-menu menu of... Catherine Parkinson!

7:08What? Here we are. Hello, Catherine. Wow. This is a much higher end set than I was expecting. Yes. Same here, to be honest. Nope, both of those teams. It feels like the right set to share some vulnerable sexual stories with you. Catherine didn't watch the first half, by the way. I did turn the thingamajig down when you said the secret ingredient, but I did hear the semen suggestion. OK. It's hard to do the vulnerable sexual stories if I'm not going to talk about the semen. Yes, yeah, yeah. Thank you for turning the tannoy down backstage for when we said the secret ingredient, because Julian Clary didn't.

7:56Was his semen.

8:02we would have kicked him out on the starter if it was his was a mint terry's chocolate orange that's what they chose for him that's that's quite niche but yeah that's i'd more likely to say that than semen

8:17it's good to know what we're dealing with do you tap and unwrap i'm talking about the chocolate orange

8:26um i don't actually i peel it's fucking clary all over again this does tap does tap and unwrap work for the chocolate orange because you're supposed to like bash it and then you unwrap it it's supposed to all fall apart into segments it's never worked for me that no never works it's a myth yeah it's just in the adverts isn't it yeah and we all fell for it and i still say it to this day even though it's never happened to me. Reminds me of my days as a Christian.

9:00I think for a while I was missing the metaphor there because my first thought was, James ate a lot of Terry's chocolate orange when he was a Christian. At the Chris Dingle service. James, do you remember you were a genie? James is a genie in this so he's gone into his lamp. He will be coming out of the lamp, don't worry. He doesn't do the rest of the podcast squatting down back there. Even though I think the audience can't see this, but it's a lovely squat he's got, isn't it? I'm finding it quite off-putting. Now, Catherine, we invite our guests, if you would like to get up and rub the lamp, if you would not like to rub the lamp...

9:35What is this show? Which bit do I rub? That's up to you. That's the first thing we learn about you. I'm rubbing the lamp.

9:51welcome Catherine Parkinson to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time wow my god my god there we are the genie's out god that was wonderful I should have warned you you were standing right in the jet of dry ice there Catherine but I knew that I was there in the squat thinking straight into the jet this is going to be great yeah I feel a bit high on it yeah There's a lot of stuff knocking about in there. You're going to be tripping the light fantastic during this episode. I do love dry ice. Is it dried ice or is it dry ice? Dry ice, yeah. It's dry ice. I don't think it's dried ice.

10:29Is it dried ice? I've lost confidence. I wanted to say that I loved dry ice. And then I thought I should really know, having done stage work, I should know what the phrase is. And I realise I've never known if it's dry ice or dried ice. I think it's dry ice rather than it's not like dried apricots. It would make sense if you put ice out to dry, it would turn into that fog. So I can see how you would think it was dried ice. If they dried them in the sun like they do with grapes to turn them into raisins. Hang on. So you think it would make sense if you put ice in the sun that it would turn into that fog?

11:06Yeah. I think that's true. I'm no scientist. thanks for letting us know but you're addicted to dry ice you say did i say i was addicted i am high on it right now so that's uh but you like it you said you're a fan i think you know uh i remember playing puck in my school play of the history of hockey not in hockey i was one of four pucks it wasn't as big a deal as that sounds we shared the part to convey the mutability of the character blah blah blah uh fairness you know it's at school and i remember the dried dry ice and then sort of launching myself into it and thinking i like this being an actress i mean yeah as well as a dry dried ice it was the the atmosphere of being in the theater it was you finally realized you were home with the smell of the dry ice the smell of the grease paint for me it was the smell of the dried dry ice and what are the other pucks doing now fuck all no i don't know i think they're probably very successful and i feel like i've dressed like um somebody with a proper job like a bank manager actually tonight so i think they probably wear a jacket like this and have a proper job imagine if all three of them right now are dressed exactly like you.

12:34Yeah. Somewhere in the world and all of your lives are kind of like, you're just kind of tied together forever. The four pucks. Yeah. All in black blazers and black heels. Yeah. And black baggy jeans. Why are you rubbing your legs like that?

12:54Are you much of a foodie, Catherine? A what? A foodie? No! A foodie, Catherine. if i could take a pill and just be done oh no i'm joking yeah i really well what does foodie mean because i love food but i'm not i'm afraid a very uh evolved cook but i really appreciate well cooked and creative food cooked by people that are good So I always feel slightly like I can't claim to be a foodie because I can't do it, but I can eat it and appreciate it. I think that makes you a foodie. I think being a foodie is just enjoying eating food, and I don't think there's any kind of, like, you don't have to have any ability to make it, and you definitely don't have to only, like, you know, snobby, posh foodie, but it's just, like, just appreciating and loving food and thinking about it.

13:45I think that's a foodie. Yeah. I'm a foodie. You feel good to say that and admit that in the room? I'm a foodie. I'm a foodie. It's like, Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a foodie. Congratulations. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have some alcohol here. You've already told us that backstage as well. I'm getting quite suspicious. The second time tonight you've told us you're not an alcoholic. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a secret drinker because I didn't like the idea of the optics of me with a glass of alcohol, so I did ask for it to be put in a teacup, but I've now obviously ruined that by telling...

14:20Do you know how you told us and you're drinking wine from a teacup, which, I'll be honest, makes you look like an alcoholic, hasn't it? Yeah, it's backfired. I realise that. Earlier when you told us you weren't an alcoholic, you said, I'm not an alcoholic, and at that exact moment, our tour manager walked in with a glass of wine for you. Yeah, yes. What wine do you have in the teacup? Do you know what we've provided you with this evening? In, like, a very high-end bottle of Prosecco, I was quite impressed. Fantastic. It's not the usual shit they try and... Yeah. Little finger out, maybe, when you drink that?

14:50We always start with still or sparkling water. Catherine, do you have a preference? I do. I have a strong preference. I really like still water. I really dislike the taste of sparkling water. I don't understand it. I like sparkling other drinks, but it's very strange sparkling water. You can taste the gas, and I don't get it. But what I've started to say if I'm in a restaurant is tap water, just to seem really down to earth. Yeah. And like, I don't even need bottled still water. I can just take it. But then I realised I was sounding a bit passive aggressive because I was actually going, Tatwatcher, you bastards trying to rip me off.

15:33Don't charge me. There's nothing passive about that sentence, Catherine. I shouldn't have said that. But I just, yeah, so I'm thinking about, you know, just saying still instead. Haven't done it yet. You haven't tried it yet. I haven't tried it yet. Where do you think you might debut it? What kind of restaurant? a Wagamama maybe I don't know Harvester Harvester's a good place going after Stillwater I mean I as a child did not go to restaurants I'm from a family that didn't do restaurants at all went to the Harvester down to Oldworth Broadway and then I worked in TGI Fridays in Kingston full time for many months and got sort of increasingly demoted.

16:22Did you start as the CEO? I was never the CEO, but I was front of house and I got put back of house. And then I got put, I was in charge of the desserts, which was a really hard job. I was called a dessert weedy because when they got in the weeds, I had to get on to, you'd have these little sort of bills coming through with two snap decisions. snap decision was a caramel basket with a banana and some ice cream and then a bit of drizzle on the top but when you've got to do like six snap decisions in a hurry and whatever other desserts they were i can't remember the name of the other ones because i didn't tickle my fancy as much obviously but when you have to do them all in a hurry and i'm not naturally strong-wristed and you have to it's what you're expecting now isn't it so many questions you have to do them in a hurry and get them out before they melt.

17:15That was a real challenge on a Saturday afternoon. We, you know, not to name drop, but we had Torval and Dean in once.

17:25Torval and Dean order a snap decision? Actually no, they didn't. Because I remember thinking, because that was the one I got good at, because that's the one I did most of. Anyway, I ended up getting really demoted because they kept finding, at TGI Fridays you have to wear a quirky hat, because it's kind of, it's a restaurant, it's a theatre. It's a bit of fun, isn't it though? It's a bit of fun. a bit of fun you've got to do an audition to get to work there which i like the idea of you know uh so yeah you've got to be a bit bit of a character uh and uh i had a mini mouse hat but my they kept coming back into the kitchen and pulling out this long ginger curly hair and holding it up to me nasty nasty waiters and saying another hair has fallen in the snap decisions and the ice creams you've got to sort this out and i think back i felt so bad about it but you can't if you if you can't try and stop your hair from molting yeah i did have a bad diet at the time i don't know if that does i've never googled that does that cause why are you talking through your diet at the time in a workout if it was making your hair fall into the snap decisions.

18:38What sort of things were you eating? I was eating, I would say, quite a lot of sugar. Yes. Because I was stealing stuff from the fridge. Yeah. You were eating quite a lot of snap decisions, I'd imagine. This might explain why your hair is in the desserts. Yeah. If you're going in the fridge and snuffling the food, then putting it back in. You're hovering over them a lot. I actually think you've solved the mystery. I think that is what was happening. And now I remember there was a dessert with a bit of cookie that you stuck in it, and it was those that I did steal a bit because they were solid and you could stick them in your bag or down your apron or whatever.

19:23I probably should be saying this on a... It's still a business, isn't it? I don't think it's an open case at TGI Fridays. Yeah. I'm going to dig it up. Remember we didn't know who stole those cookies? I just listened to this off-menu podcast. Yeah. And it was the branch that had Torval and Dean in. Yeah. But, you know, anyway, long ginger curly hair. I was the only woman in the kitchen, the only person with long ginger hair. So it was kind of... It was like an Agatha Christie, actually, in a way, but a really sort of straightforward one. Person you most suspect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you got fired or no?

20:00I didn't get fired, James, no. I didn't get fired, but I did get sort of not arse back. That implies you went away from it. A lot of that happens in my business. I never see it as a... You're often not recalled, and it doesn't mean anything negative. Pop-lums or bread! Pop-lums or bread, Catherine Parkinson! Pop-lums or bread! Very good. I'd say quite harsh to do it as Catherine was taking a sip of Prosecco from her teacup. Oh, I didn't think of that.

20:37bread any particular type of bread I mean I like a poppadon but I prefer a salt and vinegar crisp bread I feel I mean I could actually get quite emotional about bread I love bread there was a stage a few years ago when actors and actresses were giving up bread no way I have a bread maker thank you as in a machine not a I have a man you have a man not a baker he lives in the garden and he no I've yeah I've got bread maker but it did fall off the kitchen what do you call it shelf island counter counter yep haven't got an island alas kitchen counter someone's doing well aren't they I don't have one.

21:32I'm just thinking about them all the time. I don't have one either. No. I'm not even moving house, but I go on right move and I look at all the houses, and if it doesn't have a kitchen island, I go, no chance. I'd worry I'd get stranded on there.

21:49You know you can get that thing where there's a tap and it's boiling water. Yeah. That's the dream, isn't it? Yeah, that is the dream. In your kitchen? Anywhere. Well, I think it must be quite hazardous, though. if you've got, like, young children or stupid people in your family. 100%. They'll definitely scold themselves. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, so the bread maker fell off. Fell off the counter. They're very lively. I don't know if you've... Lively? They really get going, yeah. They jump about. Little jack-in-the-box. Jump in the box? I mean, maybe I've got a faulty... I'm worrying... Sounds like you've got a faulty one, yeah.

22:27They're quite active. and it fell to the floor and we thought we were being broken in too. But I said, don't worry, darling. Was this in the night? Was this in the middle of the night? Yeah, I did the whole, you know, you put in the whole meal and the whatever and the yeast and I did it just before bedtime. So you put the bread maker on and then went to bed? Don't do it. No. Yeah, yeah. But it's lovely because the house smells of bread. That is good. and it works so you've been broken into you're like who's burgled our house yeah you've looked at the bread maker there's a big red hair in there is it my bread maker man who's in the garden just breaking in no but I really like my bread maker what's the best bread you've made in the bread maker is it broken now it's one did break but I got another one yeah I put walnuts in it I hope that's not the secret word no you're safe you're okay I put walnuts in my bread just makes me feel good.

23:29Makes me feel a bit like Meghan Markle. Throw some... Throw them in. Walnuts in the... You think that's how she's living, Markle? Yeah. Walnuts in the bread? I found myself watching her series... I found it very compelling. She makes Lady Bird crostini. Have you seen it? No, no. I haven't watched it. I wouldn't watch that shit. First time I ever did a gig here, Meghan Markle was set up there. Right where you are who's never fucking heard the podcast before, are you? Really? Royal Variety Performance. Oh. Died on my arse. Decided to do a story about farting during a massage. Ate a roast chicken, went for a massage, farted during the massage.

24:15Thought that'll be good for the audience at the Royal Variety Performance. And we all had to stand on this stage at the end for about an hour and a half to wait for Meghan and Harry to come round. They all go around shaking people's hands and speaking to them. Meghan Markle came up to me and she went, thank you for not eating any roast chicken before you came this evening. Witty. Yeah, pretty good. Then they got around to the end. You've got to be really polite to them. They got around to the end. Rod Gilbert was on the other end. And I saw the discussion happening. It looked quite heated.

24:48And I went, Rod, what were you talking to them about? They went, well, Harry asked me if I'd had a nice time at the gig. And I said, what did you say? He went, I said no.

25:00I fucking hated it. It was awful, Gig. Oh, my God. Do you want the bread with the walnuts in? Is that your dream bread? Maybe bread, is it more satisfying eating bread that you've created yourself? Yes. I prefer shotball bread, just to be clear. I don't want to overdo it. I obviously prefer a shop-bought bread. So on your dream menu, you don't want one you've made yourself. No. You want someone from a restaurant. I want one Megan's made. You want me? That's not her tonight, by the way. Is she not there? Oh. You're Megan tonight. Enjoy that. Love your show.

25:42And you want the walnut one? My what? Do you want the one with the walnuts in it? Yeah, but not the one I make. No, I know that. Yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER Walnut bread. Warm? Oh, yeah, warm with a melty butter. I don't want to feel like I've slagged off the poppadom. You've got a lot of time for crisps of all kinds. It's kind of... Never had a poppadom that's an exciting flavour, though, but I think I need to get out more, get out more, try more poppadoms. But you like salt and vinegar crisps? Oh, I mean, it's pretty much all I ate between the ages of 12 and 16. Monster Munch pickled onion as well.

26:29Shout out for that. Wow. Yeah. Big fans then. So was that before you went to the TGI Fridays then? So it was purely crisps for those years. TGI Fridays was on to the sugar. Crisps and penny sweets. Actually, I'm so old I remember hapenny. No, not hapenny. Not hapenny. Half penny. Enough like Oliver times. I mean, I mean, half penny sweets. I'm not that old. Half penny sweets? Yeah, no, I didn't mean that, did I? All right, governor, let's go to the half penny sweets. I'm not Dickensian. Well, before I worked at TGR Fridays, I was a shoeshine. Half penny sweets? They were in the 80s. Give me 80 bit for some scran.

27:13All right, governor. I'm not that old. I'm 47. I'm fine with that. I want some whistle sticks and some... Sherbet candies Go on, go on, sorry I'm done now, I can't think of fake sweets from Victorian times Well, the penny sweets that were around when I was younger were really, like, have stayed quite vividly with me I heard one of your episodes, you talked about the Wham Bar Yes And I had to sit down and take a moment because I loved the Wham Bar and I hadn't thought of the Wham Bar for years I don't know if you can still get a WAM bar can you get a WAM bar yeah big time you can get a WAM bar I like the beer flavoured sweets did you ever have those the little beers I like the fake cigarettes yeah it's the coolest I've ever felt I think the fake cigarette sweets same here also yeah you know the amount of times you've told us you're not an alcoholic today I like beer favoured sweets and I get this.

28:20Pretend I'm having a cigarette at the same time. Yeah. Yeah, but do you know what? It wasn't good for my teeth because... Really? Yeah, I had a lot of fillings. Yeah, sugar, I don't think is great for teeth.

28:34Just to give you an insight into Catherine's love of sugar, we always ask the guests before they arrive if there's anything on their ride or if they would like anything. I think sometimes we want a specific drink or something. We were hanging out with Catherine before the show and the tour manager came into the room. Catherine went, I noticed nobody bought me the refreshers I asked for.

28:56He did offer to go out and get some. He did, yeah. Did you see me pretend that I didn't want him to, but then... But now he hasn't. Refreshers. Oh, I do love... Get them free with the Beano back in the day. I loved the... Yes, the Beano. I was in the Dennis Menace fan club. I was as well. Were you? Yeah. Yeah. Didn't know they let girls in.

29:22Do you mean Minnie the Minx? Do you mean Minnie the Minx? No. Dennis and ganasher. Yes, ganasher. I had a fish called nasher. Oh. Named after the dog. I was so, so, so into the Beano that it was all I read. And when I got really cross with one of my brothers once, I went, I sort of mimed smoke coming from my ears and went fume.

29:50And he just lost.

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30:58When our bank account hit near zero, my brother Jake and I had one last shot to save HydroJug. So we engineered the Traveler, a leak-proof, coupler-friendly Tumblr. Amazon Ads enables a business to be able to expand their product shelf because of the visibility and the reach you can get. Each week, our new-to-brand customers make up about 95 % of all of our sales. Watch HydroJug's story at advertising.amazon.com slash rising-stars. I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications.

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32:15That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash tickets.

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33:00No endless searching required. Thousands of growing businesses already trust Upwork to hire highly skilled freelance professionals for everything from one-off projects to ongoing support. It's free to sign up, and posting a job is easy. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com. Upwork dot com.

33:29Your dream starter. So I would have said, I would have said oysters. A to sound classy. B, because I used to like oysters. But, and I know this is a comedy podcast, but my husband has an autoimmune disease. Don't laugh just because she said it. Sorry, sorry about them Sorry, Catherine Are you even listening to what Catherine is saying? Sorry, Catherine, go on Sorry Called lupus And Yeah, you like that, do you?

34:09Interesting, interesting Finally see who's been listening to this podcast all these years Anyway Sorry, sorry we went to marseille once amazing place and we ate some oysters and other seafood and bearing in mind this was pre-fillers people having fillers his face you'll see why that's relevant in a minute his face like swelled up so unbelievably it was really scary but because fillers hadn't happened i often think that's why because i don't speak french immediately i went look at him they took us to A &E, he was put on antihistamine drip. This is related to the lupus, this is how we found out he had it.

34:53But if, I always think if fillers had been a thing, I'd have gone, you know, look at my husband and they'd have been like, yeah, wow, beautiful. Because he did just look like he'd had loads of fillers. Oh, what a lovely husband you have. He's so beautiful. So I feel grateful for the time that he had the extreme allergic reaction to the seafood. Yeah, I was very lucky. Do you think that happens now? Do you think someone has an allergic reaction? They go, oh, très joli.

35:26So rouge, you're so rouge. So that's why I would avoid the seafood of all kinds. Have you not eaten oysters since that day? I haven't, out of respect for him and just in case I pass on. Because the way you said that, I'm just going to double check, just for the audience, he is still alive. He is still alive. It's just, you can't bandy around the phrase out of respect for him. Yeah. It's one step away from Minny's memory. No, his ashes are actually here at the Palladium.

36:06No, my starter would be mackerel pate, but I've just realised, is that seafood? Yeah. Yeah, famously a fish. Fish. out of respect my husband no seafood I will just have the mackerel pate I really really like mackerel pate and particularly made by his mum so it kind of it's alright can he not have any seafood then does he avoid all seafood boring but I he's got an autoimmune disease please Catherine sorry about Catherine sorry I'm really sorry about that. I fucking love mackerel pate, though. Yeah. I love mackerel pate. Do you know it can give you gout? Okay. I learned that as a receptionist on Doc Martin, so basically I'm medically qualified.

37:05And this man kept buying mackerel, and he had gout. Is this in the story? In the story. Yeah. He had symptoms of gout, and it's the purines in the mackerel that he kept getting. So I think of that every time I stuff my face with absolute massive chunks of mackerel patter. I think, oh, careful. Could get gout. But I don't... What are the symptoms of gout? Just sore feet? You should know. You worked in the industry. Sorry, yes. We were a receptionist for Doc Martin. As a medical professional, obviously, I know it's... Yes, it's your feet explode.

37:44It feels quite an old-school disease, Gap, doesn't it? I know people do get it now because of all the mackerel, but it feels like it's from the haypenny days. Somehow a kind of faded glamour to it as well. Yeah. I almost wouldn't mind. You know what I mean? Sort of life well lived. Yeah. Henry VIII got it, didn't he? Yeah, and he was the picture of health most of the time. That's what I think of when I think of glamour, is Henry VIII. So glamorous. Yeah. He had to be winched up the stairs every night. Did you know that about Henry VIII? They had a winch system to get him up the stairs. Wow. What would a winch, like a early Stanner, Tudor stairlift?

38:27The original Stanner, yeah. The old king winch. Henry VIII, divorce, the Stanner stairlift. Are you spreading the mackerel pate on a toast situation? Are we talking about a toast? Yeah, a toasted bread. I don't think I'd spread it. I think I'd dip it. I don't know about... I don't know. I don't feel comfortable spreading mackerel pate. So you want it in a bowl and you're just... ..dipping the bread, like, just hoofing it in? You do what you want, but... I will do what I want. With the greatest of respect, Ed, you do what you want. Yeah, I will. I just think you might get gout that way. No, because if I'm spreading, I'm having way less mackerel pate than you are.

39:09It's just dipping it in. It depends on the force of the dip. As I said, I don't have strong wrists. It's a very... It's a kind of... It's not even a dip. It's a sort of drop. So is it quite a thin mackerel pate you're thinking of? It is quite... The thing is, you can say you like something, but it can come in such different forms, can't it? Because I have to say, I haven't really liked anyone but my mother-in-law's mackerel pate. So I don't really know if I can truly say I like mackerel pate.

39:39But you would like your mother-in-law's mackerel pate for your daughter. So when you and your husband visit your mother-in-law, she makes you mackerel pate and your husband just has to sit in his family home hungry? Yes. Your dream main course, Kevin. well so yeah so i didn't go to restaurants growing up and um you know had had wonderful parents but they worked they were both teachers and my dad was out doing evening classes my one brother was at football my other brother was at beavers or whatever and i was at christian camps this is what you expected was that to megan yeah the uh i went to various christian pointless christian groups that turned out to be pointless in my case not pointless pointless but and um and so it was sort of so it's sort of like a student house so there wasn't what we didn't have was the family my parents you know my parents were quite young when they had us we didn't have that thing of sitting down as a family and I say that not to discredit them at all because they were of the best parents I could possibly have hoped for but we didn't grow up with that environment um so I would have microwave meals pretty much you know and um and then sort of as I got uh into adulthood I sort of started to go to restaurants a bit with work things and and I always think sort of pretending is part of becoming a bit so I would quite quite grandly choose, you know, the most expensive, particularly if they were paying, meal-only menu to try and be something I very much wasn't.

41:20But then, pretending is becoming, I've actually started to love that meal. And that meal would be Dover sole, off the bone, cream spinach. Off the bone, because I once tried to do it myself, and it just looked like a toddler had been eating the meal. I would say that it's fine to have the mackerel pate, but at this point, the respect for your husband has absolutely gone down the toilet.

41:53I just didn't think about that. We're going just all in on seafood. Do you think he might be allergic to me? Am I the problem? Yeah, let's not rule it out. If you've got, yeah, your hair is just full of bits of fish. You know? We know that you eat hair first. Yeah. Does my hair look like it's full of fish? Yeah. Does it? Can you smell it? Yes. Full disclosure. Yeah. Since you got here. Yeah. Asking for refreshers with fishy hair? Yeah. Weird stuff. Yeah. No, no, I feel very bad now because I've just told you that he's allergic to seafood and I've just ordered loads of seafood as my dream. Yeah.

42:37It's funny because really there was no need to tell that story. Yeah. You could have kept that to yourself and just chosen seafood. Can you edit it out then, the story? Yeah, they know. Yeah, they know. You told the story. That's your current problem. Yeah. You did tell the story to make yourself sound quite noble though, I think. Yeah, I did. You were saying, I'm not going to have oysters. The hero of the beast, yeah. I'm not going to have oysters. I haven't had oysters since we found out my husband had lupus.

43:10It must be nice for you, because you probably can't laugh about it much at home. Just come here and laugh about it. Yeah. Because you're responding like you're hearing it for the first time, every time. When I said autoimmune disease earlier, you cracked up. Well, I know it sounds incredible, but I just didn't think of Dover Solar seafood. Yeah. Easily done. Yeah. It's a wonderful fish, though. Wonderful fish. Yeah. And fancy as well. It's one of the fanciest fish. Mm. Fishes. Fishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I really want to have a more successful time snorkeling because I know that. Well, when you say it's a lovely fish, I nodded as if I'd seen it.

44:03I just meant to eat. Oh.

44:11I wasn't going, have you seen that fucking fish? Bloody gorgeous fish, that one. Also, again, adding that to your list of things you'd like to do. Poor fucking guy. Should we go snorkeling today? Remember, I have lupus. For the millionth time, Catherine. I am riddled with lupus. could not go snorkelling with you. Poor fucking guy. I'm a really good wife.

44:48He can be near fish, can he? He can be... Can he go snorkeling? No, he's never had a reaction like he had. No, that's not true, actually. it's I know, it's shellfish ah we're fine, we're fine I should have made that clearer yes, so mackerel you're fine Dover sole you're fine and would he have those things does Dover sole have a shell I haven't seen it in the wild as far as I'm aware it's not a shellfish no, if I say as far as I'm aware it's not, it's definitely not no, it's not I can confidently say it's not a shellfish yet. Cool. Kind of annoyed that we didn't just say yes to you, actually. We told you the right answer, but we could have gone, yes, it has a big shell, and seen just how long we could get you to believe it.

45:44A big rainbow shell. Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah, I should have said that. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It seems to be shellfish. So we're cool. We're all good. Do you remember what restaurant you were in or what the event was where you first had the Dover Soul? Yeah, I do. It was the Ivy West Street, and it was a work thing. I don't want to sound really mercenary, but I did glance at the menu and check what the most expensive thing was on the menu because that's what you do, right, when you're young and hungry. And so I went for that. And then, you know, I just feel like it's such a lovely meal because you don't feel too full.

46:29You feel sated. It feels, again, glamorous, like the gout, like I mentioned before.

46:40And what I do tend to do is order us getting to the side dish, fries on the side, and then I just pig out on those so it kind of backfires in terms of... Yeah, but I really do like skinny chip with mayonnaise. So that's your dream side? That is my absolute dream side. I'd like to say green beans, but I'd just be lying. Would you like us to dye the fries green so people think you're having beans? Yeah, yeah, well, that'd be great. Well, actually, earlier I was introduced to chips with pesto on them, which blew my mind. My wife was in the dressing room eating chips with pesto on. Yeah, it's crazy.

47:18She bought that from somewhere, by the way. She didn't just bring a jar of pesto with her. eating the pesto chips but they were they were essentially green chips weren't they yeah they were they're from Shake Shack yes Shake Shack have started doing them these pesto and we were all very excited weren't we to see Charlie eat the first one yeah what's it like she went yeah quite nice oh yeah I like a dip with the chips you'd like a dip what dip you can have as many dips as you like mayonnaise yeah I like chips and mayonnaise I like ketchup too of course when I was growing up my dad's from Belfast and And HP, brown sauce, was on everything when we...

47:56The microwave meals. But everything and vinegar. And now I'm out in the world at large. Brown sauce doesn't seem to be a thing. They tend to send more bottles of HP to Northern Ireland because it's got the picture of Parliament on it. Oh, my goodness. They're trying to get their point across. It's a bit awkward, actually. Oh, my gosh. Do you want this to be, if you're eating in our dream restaurant, what would you like it to look like? Do you want a sort of swanky, ivy sort of feel to it? I really like low lighting in a restaurant. Sometimes when you watch shows set in America, like Curb Your Enthusiasm or whatever, I'm always quite struck by how lit the restaurants seem to be.

48:42I don't know if that's just a choice in a TV show, but I want crepuscular, Dickensian, ideally candlelight, if I'm honest. To remind you of when you were a little kid. I'm sorry. Yeah. I often say this to Ed. What? Dickensian. Is that your Dickensian voice? It's a callback. Yes, but I don't remember you doing that voice last time. I did. It's a shoeshine. He was doing that voice. He did do that voice. I was just joining in, sorry. Yours sounded like from another country. I thought, oh no, that's the end of the podcast.

49:23That was me from England, mate. Name an accent, I'll do it for you. Oh. Catherine's the guest. Catherine can choose the accent. Okay. Okay, Geordie. Oh no, now I have to do it, because I thought you were going to give me something cancelable. What would you like me to say in a Geordie accent? I love shellfish. Well, just when we got away from it.

49:56I fucking love shellfish, man. Oh, wow. Really good. Really good. Really good. What accents have you done? What's the hardest accent you've had to do for a role? What I tend to do is I do it for the first scene and then I go, is that all right? And then I drop it for the rest of the show. But I did Northern Irish once in a Antigone, Tom Paulin's Antigone, and my dad, who's from Belfast, came and saw it and gave me Nain out of tan for the accent. And I was happy with that. You should be happy with it. That's very good, actually. I can't do accents, so I wish I could. I'm so jealous every time people do it.

50:39Give James an accent to do, Catherine. Okay.

50:45I think Northern Irish is really quite hard, so I won't give you that one. I'm going to say Liverpool.

50:55Now, a friend of mine is here who's from Liverpool. And I'd like you to say I love Little Chef. I'm not happy about this situation. Well, the other option that's been shouted out is Shrek. So when you... I'm very good at Shrek. I can do a really good Shrek. Would you like me to do a Shrek? I'd like you to do Shrek, yeah. I love Little Chef. Would you like I love Little Chef? Yeah.

51:30They've been ready for that every single night of this run. This is the only time it's happened. donkey i love a little chef donkey

51:46outstanding

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53:57your dream drink wow wow thank you my drink well when I was going to restaurants for the first time as part of this effort to be this new sophisticated version of myself I used to order a glass of white wine and a Fanta please and I thought that was pretty fucking classy. I've now dropped both and I've been drinking quite a lot of... I filmed this thing called Rivals recently. What a show. I filmed it again and I've pretended my research is to only drink champagne. But it's quite an expensive habit. But I really like, you know, like the cheap Prosecco you've given me tonight is a really good, you know, second best.

54:59So what you're saying is you'd like a champagne? A champagne, please, yeah. And the more expensive, the better. Yes. Would you like it out of a tea cup? I'm happy to order the cheapest champagne in a restaurant. I can't really tell the difference between... I'm afraid my palate's not very that sophisticated yet. As long as it's fizzy and not Prosecco. do you subscribe to the phrase champagne for my real friends real pain for my sham friends oh that's what the Romans did wasn't it it was the posh wine for the the richer guests and the sort of dregs for the insignificant ones I think that's what it means that phrase real pain for my sham friends real pain for my sham friends what does that mean I mean, it's like, I hope people who just pretend to be my friends...

55:51Oh, sham, I see. ...real pain. I hope something bad befalls them. Oh, that's awful.

55:59This is what people... That's a bit much, isn't it? It's a phrase. It's not. I didn't come up with it. I think that's really unnecessarily unkind. They say, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. Oh, I... What were you... And why did you mention the Romans? Why did I mention the Romans? I think you thought the phrase was that you give the good champagne to your good friends and the bad champagne to people you're not bothered about. Yeah, I mean, I'm quite into the Romans. They used to use pheasant feathers to make themselves sick after a meal so they could go again. But also they always used to lie down to eat the rich Romans.

56:38And I find that a bad thing because, I mean, I don't suffer generally from indigestion, but I feel like if I was prone, you know, supine, eating pheasants and, you know, God knows, all these sort of rich foods that they ate, I'd definitely throw it up a bit. Well, it's difficult, isn't it? I do imagine if you have a mouthful and you're lying down, like chewing it and swallowing it down would be quite an effort, wouldn't it? Quite difficult, yeah.

57:08How long have you been into the Romans for? my degree was in classics and I really I get like actually sexually aroused talking about Pompeii Pompeii? not sexually aroused I get catch me up again on what happened in Pompeii I get excited by you know they found somebody who their brain had turned to glass in the I mean, it's time for... Slow down, Kevin. I've got an erection. I know you've changed your mind since then, but initially you did say you were sexually aroused by the tragedy of Pompeii. No. Yeah, no, that makes me sound really like a psychopath. I'm getting excited. Like, you know, I'm into a bit of mudlarking.

58:01I do get excited about those things, which I suppose you could dismiss as geekery, but actually it's really profound and if you're not into it, you're a bit of a cunt.

58:23Did you want to ask what mudlarking was, James? Yes, mudlarking, I don't know what that is. It's larking in the mud. I mean, basically, it's... I mean, I think you do technically need a licence but you just sort of go to the riverbanks or whatever and find things like, you will always find something, maybe a bone dice or a bone pipe or a bit of a glass bottle or some dentures. And there you are. It's like you're time travelling. But it is very interesting. Is this something you do? No. Yeah, no, I have done it. And if you go on a guided tour, you do have to put everything back, which is a shame because...

59:05Yeah, fuck that. but you know I found a groat I found a groat once a groat well my husband found a groat but you know I say I found it and it was poor man can't have anything yeah

59:22but then you have to put it back so you have to if you do a guided tour rummage around in the muddy banks of a river find something that is adjacent to just trash and then you can't even keep it You're told you have to put it back in the mud. And you can't wear an apron like I did at TGI Fridays to get the cookie stuff in there. You'd look too suspicious if you were down on the riverbanks with an apron with a massive flap. You'd be rambled. But no, it's just an interesting thing to do. That's got nothing to do with the Romans particularly. But I just like history. Yeah. Do you like history? I do.

1:00:05I understand that it excites you, especially seeing things being like, this was ages ago. That's basically what it is, isn't it? God, this was bloody ages ago. Oh, you really understand history, Ed? Yeah. But it is that. He still surprises me with his intellect and his knowledge on this podcast. Because a lot of history, some history was more ages ago than other history, wasn't it? But that exact phrase is what I think sometimes, looking at like an artefact or a painting, I go, this was bloody ages ago. That is kind of what you're saying to yourself. You're going, and they were the same. Yeah.

1:00:33This was bloody ages ago. Listen, man, I think I'm a bloke walking around in this museum, and one day those people were just blokes walking around, but ages ago. And one day you might be bloody ages ago to someone else. Yeah. God. Isn't that scary? Yeah, I don't like that. No, people might be going, that was bloody ages ago, IT crowd. That was bloody ages ago. Yeah. What do you hope, you know, in years to come, when historians look back and they... What of your work would you hope they would discover in the mud?

1:01:11Yeah. I think I'd have to say my... You know, I told you earlier I had a lot of fillings as a child. I was telling you about my fillings in the dressing room. Yes. From the high sugar diet that was normalised in the 80s culture. Yeah. and, you know, I had some of those fillings taken out to be replaced with white ones, and the dentist said, God, some of these fillings are older than you, and I giggled girlishly, flattered, you know, because obviously they weren't older than me. I like the idea of some of my mercury fillings maybe surviving. Okay, I was asking about your professional work that you've done.

1:01:57not what part of your body do you hope people find in the mud in years to come that was that would be the most sinister question i've ever asked a guest when you have died what parts of you do you hope survive and are unearthed by future civilizations which bits of your work do you hope people find later on and you know that is ages ago historically my feelings is It's enough for me. Yeah. Do you hope that maybe in the future someone finds one of your fillings in a snap decision at TGI Fridays? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so. Chokes. Well, speaking of the snap decision, we arrive at the dream dessert.

1:02:40Is the snap decision even in the mix? It's not, actually. I mean, I love sugar. Currently, I seem to find myself on a no-sugar WhatsApp because I bumped into a friend recently and I said, oh, we must meet and go for our usual cake. And he said, no, I haven't had sugar for, you know, 362 days. And I actually felt quite upset. I feel quite upset when people tell me things like that. I suppose I'm threatened by it. I once tried to cut out sugar and it was like a heroin addict. I had to go to the spare room. I was having body aches. I was having sweats. Because I think I have got quite a high sugar content.

1:03:15Yeah, high sugar content. Yeah, I think I'm... I do think I've got quite a high stream of content. Yeah, so I'm on this WhatsApp group, and every day it's like everyone puts the number of days they've been without it, and then like a carrot emoji or a broccoli emoji. It's one of the most depressing things that's ever happened to me. But I love chocolate fondant. Yeah. Yeah, so I had a really special chocolate fondant once at a restaurant in Bath, and I was with my husband. We'd had a non-shellfish meal. And he... It was like time sort of literally, talking about time, time went slower. And it was quite a fancy restaurant and one person came and took the lid off, the head off the chocolate sponge and another person poured molten chocolate into it.

1:04:09And my husband said, he's never seen me go cross-eyed. before or since. And I can't do it on cue. I'm not one of those gifted people. But I did... It was just... It was so wonderful. It was so wonderful. It was really special. Did you go cross-eyed when you ate it? Or when they were pouring it, you went cross-eyed just watching? It was the pouring. I think you must have seen my eyes cross with the pouring molten chocolate through, you know, just where my nose is. but yeah it was an incredible experience and on my deathbed it will be one of the things that flickers so the chocolate fondant has got the sauce inside it and then they're pouring extra sauce on top I mean it's ridiculous what other things will flash through your mind when you're on your deathbed

1:05:04I think that's a really personal question Ed is there anything that will flash through your mind on your deathbed? This moment, I think... Definitely talking to you two about what will flash through my head on my deathbed will definitely be the first thing I think of when I'm on my deathbed. That'll be annoying, won't it? Also, when things flash before your eyes when you're about to die, does it have to be stuff from your life? What, as opposed to someone else's life? Can you imagine stuff that happens to someone else? Like Henry VIII getting winched up the stairs? Yeah. I'd like that to be the last thing I think of, as if I'm, from Henry VIII's point of view, like sort of Tudor peep show.

1:05:49I'm just being... I'm being winched up the stairs and I've got gout. What would his inner monologue be if it was like peep show? Getting winched up the stairs again. There we go. Jeremy's going to come and have a go at me in a minute, something like that. Yeah, yeah. Mother bloody wife. I wonder what Johnson's thinking it doesn't necessarily it won't necessarily be interesting things that flash through your mind on your deathbed I think we sort of think we can't choose your thoughts can you it might be sort of some of the more mundane things that have happened to you in your life yeah it should be again a letdown the death is a letdown but also a letdown the thought processes that you're burdened with just before you go you'd be really frustrated wouldn't you all round

1:06:41what kind of stuff do you mean what kind of boring stuff has happened to you well i you know i worry sometimes because my subconscious is very dull and i i i have really boring dreams and last just last night i dreamt in quite quite a lot of detail that i was offered a um uh desk by a neighbor

1:07:11and you know what would make that story really interesting would be if i was then offered a desk by a neighbor but i wasn't yeah no didn't the dream did you did you take the offer did you take the desk um i i actually said we haven't got room which is what i would say in real life but the thing is you know i i my job i don't know if you know but i'm an actress yes and my job involves imagination. I don't think I've got one. That's okay. But that means, imagine if now you get a part of a woman who gets offered a desk by their neighbour. You're going to be like, well not only... You'd be really moving.

1:07:50I've already done this in my dreams. Do you want to act out the scene with me now? I can offer you the desk. And show people how good it is. Do you want me to direct? Yeah, if you want to direct. I'll be the neighbour. Okay. Action. Ringing the doorbell.

1:08:12Oh, hello. Gavin, hello. Didn't know if you'd be in. Well, it's the middle of the night.

1:08:25Now, we heard some clattering and we looked through the window. Apparently, your bread maker's gone rogue. He, honestly, he doesn't do what he's told. Anyway, it reminded me, we've got a spare desk knocking around and we were wondering if you and your husband, who I believe has lupus,

1:08:54have any... I loved it. Catherine's absolutely loving it. I've actually moved to tears.

1:09:03Would you have any use for it? Oh, my goodness, that's so kind. But we have no room. OK, I'll try the next house. Cut. Good scene. Good scene. Good scene. Very good. OK, we'll try it once more time. And, James, your character's from Liverpool this time. OK. I don't know if I'll be able to cry again, but... No, no, no.

1:09:36Oh my God, who are you? Now, Catherine, just want to clarify. Were you reacting like that because James was Shrek or he was from Liverpool? Sorry, no, because he was in... Because suddenly my imagination has kicked in and you were green and you were very much Shrek in the middle of the night, knocking on my door. Yes, I thought it was because... That's actually all pesto. Yeah. It means a bell again. Ding dong. Is it a ding dong? In the liver puddley now? Yes, please. Ding dong.

1:10:13Hello? You all right, Cathy? Oh, my God. We're on a fucking desk.

1:10:23I thought it might have use for it with you. You're old, but it had lumpus. I'm struggling.

1:10:32Shrek? You got me. I'm going to read your menu back to you and I'll see how you feel about it.

1:10:46You want still water? You would like warm walnut bread made by Meghan Markle with melty butter. Starter, your mother-in-law's mackerel pate. Main, Dover sole, off the bone with creamed spinach. side dish of skinny chips with mayonnaise drink champagne the very best and dessert the chocolate fondant with extra sauce poured on top that you had in bath oh my god give it up for Catherine Parkinson Catherine Parkinson everybody thank you so much for coming to the show thank you bye bye you've been brilliant goodbye goodnight

1:11:33There we are. I loved that one, James. What a great chat with Catherine. Fantastic. What a lovely way to end our London Palladium run. That's all of the bonus shows now from the London Palladium. Thank you, everyone, for coming to see it. Thank you, all our guests, again. All of them were fantastic. Thank you to the great Benito. Yeah, thank you to the great Benito. He put a lot of work into those, much more than we did, and really appreciate that. Thank you to all the crew as well, who put up all those sets every night and then had to take them all down. No, James, I don't think they took them down in between.

1:12:04As I said, I realised they didn't take them down every night and put them up every day. That would be mad. But they had to put them up once, which probably wasn't fun. And then take them down once. And then take them down once. I doubt any of that was a laugh. No. And then, you know, and poor old Charlie, I dropped his mic on the floor at one point trying to swat a fly. I still don't know if that's fixed yet. So, you know, thanks to all of them for being so fantastic as always. and thanks to Paul for being a great stage manager as well. Yes, thank you, Paul. Thank you to The Snitch for taking all the photos.

1:12:33Yes, The Snitch took the photos. Very good. Professional photos, you can see them online. On the internet. Somewhere on our socials and stuff. Socials, yes. And that guy can take photos for other people as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want someone to take photos for you. He will do it. And thanks to Megan and Pippa for filming it as well. I'm not thinking, I've not seen any clips yet. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing it. I'm grateful. Yeah, yeah. The crew will all be back with us. Yeah. Because we're doing more live shows at the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026. It's Tasting Menus Live.

1:13:03Previous fan favourite guests receive menus of other fan favourite guests. Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. What a time to be alive. And we'll be back for the new series of Off Menu very soon. Yes, so no need to text me every week, Mother. They will. It'll be out soon. And texting me is going to speed it up. Mother!

1:13:40We'll be right back.

1:13:56cubic foot garden soil for just$10. Labor Day deals are on now at Lowe's, in-store and online. Valid through 9-9, while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowe's.com for more details. Soil offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Hey guys, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Okay, can we all agree that hosting is so much fun? And I really do love it. Every weekend, it's come over for snacks, let's make dinner together, and somehow the second you put out a fruit platter, it seems that bugs show up before your friends do. This is why I have to have my Zeevo flying insect trap. You plug it in and you let it do all the work.

1:14:32It's specially designed blue and UV light attracts the bugs you didn't know you had. And wow, did we have a lot. Like house flies, fruit flies, gnats. And then with Zeevo, bam. Next thing you know, the pests are caught in the sticky cartridge and away from your yummy treats without any mess or strong odors. The best part is the design is actually sleek and curved so it hides the bugs it catches keeping them out of sight and when the cartridge is full you just grab the no mess tab throw it in the trash pop in a new cartridge and then you're done no mess no stress so whether you're hosting a dinner party or spending an afternoon baking treats with all your friends and you want to focus on hosting and not constantly swatting at bugs zevo has you covered with 24 7 bug protection plug in a zevo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home.

1:15:24I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company.

1:16:03This is a new way to run IT. We guarantee you'll automate 50 % of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com slash tickets. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash tickets.