Fern Brady (Tasting Menu)

0:13Well, hello and welcome to Off Menu, the tasting menus, James. We missed my little intros, but that's what it is now. When we give a fan favourite guest the menu of another fan favourite guest. Yes, it's an excuse to get some people back on. Yeah, always nice to get people back on, have a little chat. And we're very excited this week because we have a firm fan favourite back on the podcast. Our guest is... Fern Brady. A firm fan favourite. A firm fan... A firm... A firm... A firm firm fan favourite. Yes, lovely. Well, I mean, the amount of run-ups I took at it. Yeah. Probably. Benito, I'll edit it down so you sound slick, I'm sure.

0:53Oh, thanks, man. Really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, Fern Brady, a fantastic comedian, writer. Yes. Of course, book is fantastic. A hit writer. A hit writer. Huge success. A smash. Yes. A smash hit writer. Brilliant on Taskmaster as well. Of course. We've already had John Kearns do a tasting menu, and the moment in Taskmaster where the two of them, and Dara are doing that book task. Yes. And John is the saboteur. The saboteur. Fern is so funny throughout all that, calls him dafty in the middle. Calls him dafty in the middle, yeah. And Fern is foodie as well. Yes. Really, really likes food and enjoys talking about food a lot as well.

1:32So very much looking forward to having her back on and we'll be giving her the menu of... Phil Wang! I think we've given Fern a little treat here because they're good friends, her and Phil. Yep. And they eat together a lot. And I think she will enjoy this menu. I think their friendship hasn't been documented enough. And we can be the first platform to really break a lot of stories about their friendship. We're looking for scoops. We're looking for scoops. Hopefully we're going to get some hot scoops about the friendship of Fern Brady and Phil Wang. Yes. And it's a nice menu as well. So I think Fern will like it.

2:06I think it is. But you know what? It's interesting reading these menus from yore. And yore. I think a lot of these menus would have changed for people. And Fern has a brand new podcast with Alison Spittel, another friend of the pod. Yes. Finally reunited. Yes, finally. They did a fantastic podcast together. Yes. With a misfortune back in the day. And now they're doing a new podcast called Ignore That Feeling and you can listen to it wherever you get your podcasts. And watch it on YouTube. And watch it on YouTube, which Benito loves. Very excited to have Fern back on. This is not the off-menu menu of Fern Brady.

2:49welcome back fern to the dream restaurant thanks for having me welcome back good to see you again yeah you too why is there a lamp the genie lamp that's on there um why do you think um i don't know is it the new pop of tom's or bread i don't know what is it now when you did the podcast the first time yeah do you remember what else do you remember about it other than poppadoms or bread nothing yeah that's fair enough that tracks that's fair enough james is a genie in the podcast do you remember that have you always been that yeah from episode one yeah i was always a genie were you subtle about that what do you mean i guess it's a bit subtle in the way he bursts out the lamp at the beginning and then normally i explain to the guests that james is a genie so can get you any food from anywhere in the world.

3:39I mean, I've listened to a lot of episodes. Yeah, you have listened to a lot of episodes. Oh, but a lot of episodes I tend to skip past the first bit of podcasts. Sure. So the intro and that's gone. Yeah. So you don't hear that. I'd say like a lot of the artwork, there's lamps involved and James is a genie in the artwork. Yeah. Is there? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, last time I saw you, you'd said, because you'd been on the podcast and then you'd started listening to it, I think. And you were like, I've listened to loads now but clearly in none of them we mentioned me being a genie which is off brand for us you maybe mumbled it or something yeah I think that would have stood out so that's a central theme yeah definitely a central theme and quite often if a guest hasn't heard the podcast I'll explain that James is a genie and then quite often that leads on to conversations about genies yeah there's been a few conversations about genie lore and stuff on the podcast and you know because you came on the podcast and then you listened to it did you change your mind afterwards about your menu where you're like oh actually I wish I'd said this I should have chosen this now I've listened to it I'm not saying this to do the best can you remind me of the format of this show yeah I'm not surprised now and you can edit that part out if you want no no we'll keep that in that's all staying in so we ask you like you know whether you want to do a Swagland Water whether you want pop-ups or bread, what your dream starter is, your dream main course, your dream dessert, your dream drink, your dream side dish, not in that order.

5:14But you remember that if you've listened to loads of episodes. Yeah, I mean, I think about the water thing a lot because I can only drink sparkling water now. I'll try and drink this, but I started only drinking sparkling water and now when I try and drink normal water, it's so boring in my mouth that I'll often just get very dehydrated until I can have some sparkling water again. So you've always got it in the house? It's the first thing you drink in the morning? Well, that's the thing. If I don't have it in the house, I then just have to drink all the other drinks in the fridge, which isn't good.

5:50So I would drink like oat milk, which I think is poison. All the non-alcoholic beers. First thing in the morning. Yeah, yeah. That's a good thing with a non-alcoholic beer though, isn't it? You can't just have it first thing in the morning. Do you know what I've got into drinking is really sad because I listened to that Mads Gut Microbiome podcast, right? And they, you know, do you say it kefir or kefir? Yeah, yeah, kefir. Right, I say it kefir. Kefir is an actor. No, but they say kefir on the podcast and they're like experts at it. So I was drinking kefir before that was like child's play kefir.

6:29And then this podcast was like, you've got to drink this. It's from a goat farm in Wales and it's like the most powerful bacteria ever. And there's a guide on how to open it in your kitchen because it explodes all over the kitchen. So I started drinking that, wondering what it's going to do to me. And it's meant to make you feel like more alive. And they were like, don't drink this at night because you'll just be too awake. Isn't that cool? And you've been having it in the mornings. Yeah, yeah. Is it good? Yeah, I had it this morning and then I like ran a 5k and felt like so alive. Wow. Yeah, I was going to ask you about running but that's for another day.

7:08No, go for it. I don't really run anymore. You don't? No. But you're so fast. I do CrossFit. Oh yeah. Thanks for saying I'm so fast though. There's a fly flying in my face. There's a small fly. There's a small fly. That's part of the podcast. That's another format point. Yeah, fast and powerful because I did that thing where we were in big footballs years ago with Lou Sanders. Oh yeah. it was one of Lou's activities Zorbing Zorb football we did yeah and Ed was like really frighteningly fast and also would just like knock you over really powerfully yeah I had a big ball on me to be fair so you were knocking Fern over yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I was thinking that I was trying to do like a speed workout this morning thinking like I wonder if were you keeping your arms as if you were in a ball you're meant to have your arms so that you're imagine you're holding two handfuls of crisps what?

8:01that's how that's what you're meant to do with your arms when you're running specifically crisps well some people say a tray of drinks but that's too stressful for me to maintain for the whole run because I used to be a waitress and it was really bad so I'd rather think of crisps because then if you drop a few it's fine yeah and I think that isn't the idea that I'm trying not to crush them so keep your hands like open what sort of crisps are you imagining just ready salted ready salted but I'm just I'm going to do the marathon next year and I'm really worried that I'm going to because I'm very food motivated I keep sitting for my long runs I pick a place that I want to eat in London and then run to it that's great yeah because you've got to keep eating you've got to eat loads to train for the marathon so that's perfect yeah I mean that's not an issue for me I like running to toads do you know those guys no the bakery yeah yeah yeah yeah Thai Bakery and then I ran to a place that claims to be like the only place in London that does proper poutine and like proper good sandwiches nice what's that called American style sandwiches can't remember it was somewhere in East London but it was amazing it was like really especially after a long run it was unbelievable so I take you're doing the whole long run there you're not you're not doing half the long run eating poutine and then running back no no I got an Uber back no yeah of course I mean I know I think that was like the first time I'd run like 10 miles or something I ran 10 miles just to get poutine I think that's a great that's a good motivator it honestly does really motivate me because otherwise you get bored doing the same routes yeah but yeah I found out about that sandwich place I found out that with Americans they do actually have better sandwiches Americans and Canadians and it's something have you heard about this?

9:57No. It's to do with the way they like build all the layers in the sandwich and pack it. Right. And they just have a much better sandwich culture than the UK which wouldn't be hard. But yeah. Yeah, they definitely do better sandwiches over there. Yeah, sandwiches are like misery. They respect the sandwich more. Yeah. They see it as an art form. Exactly. So the plot line where Joey and friends would nearly die for his sandwich wouldn't make sense in the UK. I've thought about this a lot. Yeah. because no one would die for like an M &S or a post meal deal M &S are like if you're thinking about British supermarket sandwiches they are the best they're still like freezing cold like sad limp sandwiches aren't they all made in the same factory though?

10:42well they're not made as well though as in all the supermarket sandwiches all the sandwiches are made in the same place but not with the same ingredients and stuff surely I suppose yeah I'm thinking like a wet tuna and sweet corn boots sandwich is not is not comparable to an M &S sandwich. Yeah, you can get like steak and caramelised onion sandwiches. The M &S one would just be in a nicer role probably. But I'm sorry to like have a dig at M &S there. What I just meant was like British sandwich culture in general. When I was younger, I read a lot of the Garfield comics. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is that what you like?

11:20Lasagna? Sorry for it. Yeah, that's probably where the lasagna thing comes from originally. And I wanted to be like Garfield. And there was one where Garfield and John, who's his owner, they love at the end of each month making a sandwich out of everything that's in the fridge. And I just remember this panel where they're like going, oh, if we put peanut butter down, then the peas won't roll off of the sandwich. And even though that sounds disgusting, I was as a kid thinking, I want to make a sandwich out of everything in the fridge. And so I was instantly like really obsessed with making sandwiches with as many things in them as possible.

11:53then very disappointed to go out into the world and not find any cool sandwiches in the UK that did that kind of thing because this American cartoon made me think sandwiches could be awesome It's turning around though because there's another big sandwich shop opened in London I can't remember their name again that are trying to improve the sandwich game If you like sandwiches with a load of stuff in them there's an Italian style one that I made during lockdown this was one of the only happy points of lockdown and we made it for a picnic and it's loads and loads and loads of layers in a ciabatta or focaccia or something and then you put like a heavy cast iron pan on it for the night to squish all the layers down.

12:36So you're literally just squishing it overnight? Yeah. That's great. It's amazing. Wow. I can't remember the name of it but someone listening now is going to know what I'm on about. Was it like meat and stuff? Very many layers of meat and cheese. Oh, that's what's happened since I've last been on this. podcast i started eating meat again so i'm gonna go to hell um that's good that's why we got you back on well i'll tell you how it started was tacos uh when i was in uh la last year yeah because um tacos in the uk are rubbish uh like or good ones would be hard to find and i just wanted to eat tacos every day that was in america specifically the uh beef barrier ones yeah yeah I can't find a good veggie version of this and they've fucked me up like they've really made my tummy hurt a lot and I remember like Sarah Pascoe or Romesh or someone saying years ago if you stop eating meat for ages and then you start eating it again your tummy's gonna hurt because your body stops being able to break it down and I just thought that was propaganda or something but it's true yeah yeah it got you I was in so much pain But you worked through that.

13:49You were like, let's just keep having the beef until I'm fine again. Do you know where you hear about people like bottoming out when they're alcoholics? So there was this night where I was in San Francisco. I'd ordered a load of tacos again. I ate them. They hurt my tummy. And then I went to sleep and I woke up again at like two or three in the morning and started to eat them again even though my tummy was still sore. And I just was, I didn't know why I was doing it. that's a low moment but also a high point yeah yeah but it made me think like I've got to stop doing this but I haven't been able to fully cut it out since then yeah but when it's good like that I mean I had amazing tacos in San Francisco we walked for ages to find this place and had like the tongue tacos lengua it was fucking great though no you're not you're not on that yet no and I hope what I want I've been trying to be like oh cauliflower tacos can be just as nice it's quite difficult we're going to be giving you another guest's menu you're familiar with the you understand the format for this episode because I know the main episode's a bit hazy John did Miriam Margulies one yes he did yeah yeah is there anyone you're hoping for whose menu we might might be presenting you with you know a lot of people I know who I wouldn't want who would you not want maybe like Alex Horne because he seems to not be interested in foods yeah That's actually a really good one to do for someone else, Alex Horn.

15:17Yeah, because it's disgusting. It's disgusting. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I think it'd be cool to be a food is fuel person because it would be easy to diet then, but then also it would take like 90 % of the joy out of my life. Absolutely. I completely agree. Yeah, I'd hate it. It's just be so sad all of the time. Yeah. It is interesting to have those people on this podcast in contrast to people that do like food. yeah you want to hear what life is like for them and every time it just reconfirms to me that like that's not the way i want to live my life because you would assume that people who don't get joy from food are forced to find joy in other places in their life but often they don't no really yeah they just say you say well what gives you joy and they're like nothing walking about they even say that they got the question confuses them yeah what gives you joy they go I don't really know what you mean like what is joy?

16:13I'm just alive aren't I? I just have to do stuff every day and wake up and do stuff and you're like no no you can enjoy these things that you have to do like eat eating dinner is like my favourite thing about touring do you try when you're touring do you try and find a new place to eat when you're in a new town? yes I've actually already I'm building up a list for this tour that I'm going on of different taco places people have been trying to recommend barbecue places in Texas but I'm not I wouldn't be that fussed about that no I think if you like the sort of the slow cooked beef tacos but I don't want to I want to like start to move back from that oh you're pulling away from the meat yeah well then you shouldn't go to those yeah don't that's like diving that's like diving to heroin when you're trying to quick coke yeah I'd be more into the side dishes like cornbread and macaroni and cheese and stuff yeah so we're going to reveal now whose menu it is okay today Fern Brady you'll be eating the dream menu of Phil Wang oh I know him yeah yes he's introduced me to so many great food experiences yeah but he also we went we went on holiday together right last no two summers ago and uh just you and phil oh it was so weird it was just gonna be me that went right and then i said to my little brother do you want to meet me there because he lives in china um and then phil was like oh i'm gonna come along as well but it was just phil invited himself i didn't know that so it was just me and phil uh for the first week yeah and we kept getting mistaken for a couple on honeymoon together and i remember one night people looking at me sympathetically because Phil got really angry I'd like people's feedback on whether I did the wrong thing here right so we ordered some of that nice spicy papaya salad to share you're in Thailand we're in Thailand ordered some yeah yeah I did actually want to go before White Lotus came out so that was the reason I'd not heard of it before then it's my first time so we got some papaya salad between us and then I put some on my plate.

18:39Then I wanted to eat the next course and my plate was covered in like spicy water. Yeah. So I tipped the spicy water back into the salad dish. He went mental. He was like, you can't do that. That's so unhygienic. How can you, who would even think that's an appropriate thing to do? And I was just sitting there like, what? And people were looking like that, but I can't believe she's married him. oh yeah you married that man yeah I think it's fine to do that because you're eating it with chopsticks you're not dobbing any salad back onto the plate yeah that's the thing I wasn't slavering onto the plate also can I just say because I never brought this up to him at the time but I don't eat that much rice so we don't need two to three bowls of rice every time for the table like he just he thinks rice is better than it is and he's so he's always saying that bread is a white person thing yeah yeah I've had many meals with Phil since that moment and he eats bread he loves bread I think he's been turned around I think he's assimilated himself into bread culture yeah maybe yeah because he kicks off about it but then I'm sure I've seen him eat it a few times but I'm pretty indifferent to rice I only really feel like I need it if I was eating like mapo tofu I feel like you need to have rice with that so that's where we differ.

20:05Having said that, he's introduced me to a lot of amazing like new Asian food places and he wasn't in Melbourne last year and it was really hard because basically a big group of us went to a Chinese restaurant in Melbourne and it was the type of Chinese restaurant that English people like and like it was all like sweet and sour chicken and like crispy beef and just like a text fell after being like we went to a white person's Chinese restaurant and it was disgusting and you needed him there really to sort of glance across the lazy Susan at him and nod that you were in the wrong place there was a lazy Susan actually it was the worst Chinese meal I've had in years and I just kept thinking if Phil was here this wouldn't have happened when you started the anecdote and you said Phil didn't go to Melbourne last year and that was really hard and I thought wow they're such good friends and she really missed him because I went to a bad Chinese restaurant and if Phil was there that wouldn't have happened it's a really funny reason no I did because it meant that people just didn't know the places to go and when we were in Melbourne before Phil would find places that we wouldn't have otherwise he took me and Flo and John that's not their actual names but we all went to this Malaysian place that served a thing that he used to eat growing up and I wouldn't have found it if he hadn't took us there and then he's also more up for eating spicy foods yes but I'm on your side with tipping the spicy water back into the salad yeah yeah I mean I was quite embarrassed at the time because I wouldn't think that I had bad table manners no you don't I think that's fine to tip that back in because if anything you're adding back to the salad yeah it's a circular economy but I didn't want if you've had that salad before especially in Thailand the spicy water it's going to pollute the rest of your dinners you can't have it on the plate if I go for a meal with Phil again which I imagine I will at some point I'm going to do a move like that and see if he pulls me up on it yeah oh well yeah I'd be interested and if he doesn't I'll be like oh that's interesting went after Fern didn't you pretty fast to go after Fern on the holiday that you crashed and weren't invited on, Phil.

22:36We also, we kept getting couples massages on the holiday. I wonder why people thought you were married. That's weird. One of the least, the least erotic moments of my life because he breathes so much during the, like, I kind of just want to zone out and I'll just hear him being like, doing these like exaggerated deep breaths thanks to me you do sound like you've been married for 50 years that guy his fucking breathing annoys me so much it's a good impression of Phil breathing that does sound like Phil it was yeah so but yeah it was a good holiday well we'll start with some good news for you yeah he chose sparkling water cool so that's good for you you got that that you know that you like that you don't really like having to drink normal water so he's instantly played into your hands yeah and I think you can probably guess what he chose for poppadoms or bread poppadoms yeah that was the big the big anti-bread rant came at that point yeah yeah so he put his cards on the table there none of that will surprise you i imagine no the starter salmon roe oh on drug leaf yeah so we just called it drug leaf on the day but phil was very clear it's a hallucinogenic leaf oh so it was like a drug that would like make you hallucinate you like drugs oh yes yeah big time yeah yeah um yeah i'm really interested in psychedelics as well um but um that surprises me i i don't know about having it with my dinner why not uh because it would make it hard to talk uh and i don't i'd rather not be out in public if I was hallucinating you should be in a safe space with someone trips it in you yeah not a restaurant no but I have done that before wait no don't want to get him in trouble not one you don't have to name the person you don't have to name the person just I made edibles one time and forgot I had a big birthday dinner at this like posh seafood restaurant in East London somewhere and we made them too strong and then I remember just like sitting in silence, getting upset at this crab and not wanting to break it open and such a waste of money.

25:04Just not being able to speak for hours and hours. Yeah, I feel like, well, maybe, you know, we could say the drug leaf doesn't have big effects. I don't think Phil wanted it to have a massive effect on him. No. Is it hallucinogenic, just like a buzzed out, just things... I've never heard of that. Maybe hallucinating a few mild things, I don't know. I don't remember him wanting to be hallucinating at all. I think he might have meant a shiso leaf, you know. That's all he meant. Yeah. That's not a drug leaf. I think he just meant a shiso leaf. We jumped on that and made it a drug leaf. Yeah. How are you feeling about the salmon roe, though?

25:34That's the main constituent. Salmon roe's like little eggs, right? Yeah, the bigger orange ones. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, that pop. Yeah, I like it. I like interesting textures of foods. Yeah, so I'm fine with that. I think that's good. Some people get so weird about texture and about, especially about those salmon eggs, because you pop them on the roof of your mouth, they go blammo. Blammo. Yeah. But then don't people like that bubble tea? Yeah, which actually I don't like the idea of bubble tea. Yeah, I don't want my drinks to be textured. Well, although kefir's got a texture in it. I've never had kefir.

26:10Can you describe the texture of kefir for me? Well, firstly, the flavours, it's like imagine if you were drinking like fizzy Parmesan flavoured vomit. Ah. It's like that. and it's got like lumps at the bottom like little cheesy lumps you look like you're going to puke in your mouth that's really bad and honestly I'm fine with like weird food textures as well but that sounds really horrible yeah but you just put it in I put it in a blender with a banana and some blueberries and then it's okay and then it's just parmesan, blueberries and banana well the first time you drink it you're like and then you start to get used to it and then you start to crave it and then you're fine.

26:53So do you think if you did vomit now, it would be nice for you? You would like it? I don't know. The taste? No. No. You might be like, oh, it's like my lovely kaffir drink. Only if I just drank kaffir. If it's straight away. Yeah. If you did hallucinate in a meal, if you had the salmon and the leaf did make you, what kind of stuff would you like to hallucinate during a meal that wouldn't spoil the meal well I wouldn't want any of the animals like the salmon I know the salmon would pull me up on how unethical it is for salmon to exist so not that what I would like is for the food to talk to me and say it was happy for me to eat it make you feel better yeah would that make you feel better if the salmon roe was like we were we were born to be eaten can you hear how creepy that sounds though because then that's like do you remember that news story when we I mean I think we're all around the same age aren't we yes and when we were younger there was that news story because you thought I was younger than you I did for ages yeah yeah no that's for ages I was certain you were like 15 years younger than me yeah no no everyone but i've stopped getting botox now so that people take me seriously yeah i can't that today yeah i'm very serious um remember that story of the person the cannibal who put an advert in the paper yes in germany yeah that was like a huge thing when we were kids and there was the debate as to whether it was okay because the person had consented to be eaten had replied to the and was like, yes, I would like you to eat me.

28:46It's fine. But it's still scary. It's still creepy and I'm still not sure it was okay for the cannibal to be eating. It's still a crime, isn't it? That person, you know. It's funny you've brought this up because I've been talking about this with my boyfriend a lot recently. In what context, Ben? Not because either of us want to eat the other one. We were just talking about whether it's ethically okay because there was another because there was a similar story recently that I don't want to go into because this is like quite a light hearted podcast so I don't know if it's right because I think I'm very like pro we should all be allowed to do what we want with our bodies and if you are very excited that the thought of someone eating you I just think it's one of those things you change your mind halfway through That's it, isn't it?

29:39Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's the fact that you then can't change your mind, that you're like, someone's just eating my cock and bollocks. Yeah. And if it gets to the point where, I mean, because I presume they're just numbing your whole body up. Yeah. And you're just there being, and if you do change your mind, but they're so fucking into it. Yeah. And they just don't want to stop. That's terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. Also, don't kink shame. You're not meant to kink shame now, so aren't you meant to be like, that's great. the thing is I'd happily shame that kink I feel like we've got to draw a line somewhere haven't we you know broadly broadly no kink shaming but that one fucking disgusting and weird that's going to come back on us in 20 years time where everyone's doing it yeah well I'm going to be cancelled to hell for that yeah and I'll be leading that yeah campaign to cancel it you're gone so that seems like a nice start the salmon roe and the drug leaf so he wants a bettle leaf yeah just to update Benitez let us know it's a battle leaf so it's not it's not a hallucinogenic leaf no it's like marijuana is what Phil said apparently or what the internet says well I've eaten it before in a starter and I've eaten at my place and I wasn't high at all no but I think if it's just like two or three little leaves it's not going to do much yeah to be fair no

31:05well the main course it sounds like this might be what you were alluding to earlier with Flo and Joan not their names the Watan Hoa which is the Malaysian eggy soup that Phil likes it's a dish that he's had all his life that he's introduced me to that and a few of our other friends it wasn't a soup okay well this is that it's got a very thick gravy kind of texture to it eggy gravy I remember when he described it on the podcast he almost deliberately made it sound gross he said snotty I think at one point which is like a fair enough and it's definitely more a soup than a, because I think the place we went I remember it being like either noodles or some sort of star fry thing chakay tau or something I think he's obsessed with that Malaysian dish which is like the flat rice noodles I don't, no because I've had loads of different Malaysian food when I go to Australia and that and I remember this one being like I was like oh I've not had this before and it's really tasty and they had loads of stuff that I hadn't seen on other Malaysian menus but today you're getting the eggy soup the eggy soup how do you feel about that?

32:18yeah great generally like I've never not trusted Phil's food choices other than the rice thing I'm just not fussed about too much rice every time rice yeah I mean I agree with the rice personally like I only need a tiny bit of rice. Yeah. And a big, I find it quite intimidating looking at a big pile of rice and thinking I've got to eat that. And I need loads of sauce. I need like proper wet food to go on top of it. Yeah, I'm not going to eat that much rice. I mean, I don't like it enough. I often over order because I'm worried we won't have enough food but never in the rice department. I tend to under order rice in that I'll often not even order it at all.

32:58Yeah. And other people think it's weird because, but it's just, the last time I was on here I talked about foods that are like a waste of time and that's one of the ones where I'm like it just tastes of nothing yeah um and not in the way that breads has a like comforting nothing taste rice is just so pointless to me unless it's unless it's like a proper dish I like um what's that it's like a like fried rice dishes are nice or anything where there's a lot of different stuff going on with the rice and just just seasoned just seasoned rice like i mean we went to there's a place uh in hackney now like a barbecue pop-up which is like american style barbecue but with like sort of chinese flavors oh and one of the dishes they serve with it is just a bowl of seasoned rice and it's actually really good with the with the vinegar in it and stuff was really tasty and went really well with the super rich like uh beef ribs like Szechuan beef ribs and all of this stuff it was really really good it was just called flavoured rice the dish I think it was called flavoured rice I was quite excited about it because it was called flavoured rice yeah amazing and it was very nice yes what was that place called again?

34:08I should know that great noise isolate that noise and repeat it Uncle Hans Uncle Hans BBQ yeah it was very good have you been to that Korean place that's meant to it's in East London and it's meant to be like one of the best new restaurants I don't think I have and the guy that works in it he said his dad is the best Korean chef in all of London no can't remember the name of it wow I was going to go with Phil but they don't show what the menu is online so if you find out about a new place that looks good is Phil one of your first points of contact do you phone him Phil yeah he would be one of my first points of contact actually because we went to this good noodle place and I think it was like Bethnal green and I usually get spicier food than Phil but in this place he ordered like the top level of spice for this noodle soup so then to compete with him I ordered that as well and we both were like crying and unable to finish the food Pierre Novelli was there as well and he'd got like a normal level and I just felt like I'd poisoned my food so I said about going back there again and ordering properly but I think he found that he said there's some lady on Instagram who's got a list of all like the top spicy noodle places in London which sounds great I love that I always overdo it on spice as well in Japan we went to Coco Curry and there's a couple in London as well I think it's like a capsule curry place and you order on the iPad and there's so many different types of things you can add to the curry and you can pick the spice level and in Japan it goes from 1 to 20 this is the spice level and i was like i don't want too spicy but i'll order a 15 i was about to order it on the ipad and charlie went what the fuck are you doing you cannot cope with the 15 and finally have a 10 she would just don't do it because like it's proper spicy like i can see that there's people around here who can handle that so i finally have a seven and then there's a video of me halfway through the seven and i am a wreck like i'm crying i'm like why did i do this to myself.

36:19I just saw the video again recently. I'm going, I was going to order a 15 and I looked on Reddit and they said if you get over a 5, it's not nice. Like proper awful. And I'd added sausages to the curry. I'd have done what you did though. I would have thought, okay, so 5 is most people's cut off. I can do 2 above that. I would think that 15, imagine if you had 15. It was really good, but if I'd had 15, I wouldn't have been able to eat it. Is it like you say about poisoning the food really? Well, it's because so many places you can't get, they've toned down the spice because a lot of like Western people don't like spicy foods.

36:57And actually when we were in Thailand, I struggled to get spicy enough food. And I was hoping having like my fake half Asian husband with me was going to help, which would help us get the spice level up a notch. and we didn't like one of my mates that had gone before he said oh you have to ask for it Thai spicy otherwise they'll automatically tone it down and just and even then are they going to give it to you Thai spicy because do they trust that no yeah we had to like say a couple of times and I really didn't have there wasn't that many meals where I had like proper spicy food yeah but it was so good it's like that taco place in LA Guisados where they've got one taco where they just won't sell it to white people.

37:46Like Nish has it all the time. And I went up once and asked for, or like a five level spicy of another one. And they were like, no, no, no. I have to go. They wouldn't give me that. Yeah. We were there for off menu. And yeah, we made a little pilgrimage there. Really wanted that taco. They went, that's not going to happen. Why? Well, I mean, they're probably right. But they wouldn't sell it to me. And that obviously makes us want it so much. Yeah, yeah. And then you end up buying the other ones anyway because you've gone there hungry and wanted tacos. So I got the other ones and they were delicious.

38:18Guisados? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go. It's in West Hollywood and they wouldn't sell me that taco. I'll go, go down the road and buy a gun, mate. I said that and then I dropped the mic that I was holding and I walked out.

38:37Side dish. Clear Chinese broth. Oh. Yeah. So this was, yeah, Phil was saying he didn't really want a side dish, but he just thinks he can't find broths enough in England. Yeah. It's so weird you mention this. I just had the best broth like two days ago. I was in Glasgow and I had this thing twice in a week. I went to, I was with Alison Spittle and there's a place called Stereo that it's a vegan food place near the station. Benito just nodded there and smiled to himself. He knows it. Have you been? I've been so, so many times. I go all the time and they change the menu up a lot as well. So they had this thing called Silesian potato dumplings with broth and it was a lovely light broth with dill flavour in it.

39:36And Alison is really into soup. she has a a soup group she's on a soup whatsapp she's got soup earrings yeah we talked to we talked to about soup to Alison a lot and he said talk to soup about Alison yeah she's into soup I think too much but I ordered this thinking I bet Alison's going to like this and she loved it everyone at the table another comedian was there everyone at the table loved this this broth so I went back and got it the other day it was great and I did think there should be more things like this on menus you don't that's why I like that place I often get something that you don't see a lot on other menus like where's Silesia what's a Silesian yeah that's a good point when you said Silesian I do this a lot in life I was like I should probably know what that is so I'm not going to ask and find out I literally my brain went yep that's a normal thing but then if I analyse that it was accepting it the same way I accept information in Marvel films so it was like vibranium, yep, okay I understand what that is and I just went like Cilesium, yeah okay great With the broth Phil talked so much about the broth that a chef called Tom Barnes then put a broth on his menu for the opening night of his amazing new restaurant Scoff and I think named it after of Phil.

41:07Yeah, Phil was there. Phil was there at the opening night and on the menu was Phil Wang's broth. And I believe the broth is still on the menu but Phil's name has been removed. Phil's name is in the restaurant though. He's signed a pillow in there. Oh, cool. I'll see Phil's name. Poland. That's where Silesian stuff comes from. So there you go. That would make sense for the potato dumplings. I love a broth as well because it's like super flavoursome but yeah unintended super flavours no actually no it's just how good I am I guess yeah but liked good for running as well if you've been running a lot it's very good having the salty broth to rehydrate you have you done one of your runs to a broth shop before I mean that's not a thing is it you could run to a broth shack to stereo yeah wouldn't be far away enough well oh you mean knuckered run from here yeah yeah that'll be a long run wouldn't it yeah yeah but you need some salty water which is basically what what broth is that just minded me but i don't know whether to tell this on so i went i went to this um fasting clinic right i mean this is the opposite of what yous want to hear because there was no eating i went to this fasting clinic in germany and all you got to eat each day was a broth.

42:37Fed, what the fuck? Because if you fast for long enough, where's the fuck you fast? I don't fast. I am fast, remember? He is fast. He's the fastest. You don't fast. No, no, no. You don't fast with your chiseled face. No, I don't fast. He exercises a lot. There's a lot of exercise. I love breakfast too much. Yeah, I love breakfast. That's always got in the way of a regular fasting regime. I went to this fasting place and you got broth that was basically just hot water that had touched a carrot at some point and then by day two of the fast they're going oh do you want some herbs on your broth and you're like yes yes please put some parsley on it and you're just desperate for anything but I said to the nurses there look I don't know if I'm going to last the full fast this is like day two or three and I was going to say, can you take my Monzo card away from me?

43:35Because I think I'm going to run away. And they were like, no, no, you must stay on the fast. If you want, we would give you half a yoghurt and some cashews. I was like, right, that's not going to cut it, guys, because I feel like I'm witnessing my own death. Like, you can't think, you can't watch telly, you can't read, you can't sleep. You also can't really be awake. It's just terrible. So I said to the nurses, I think I'm going to eat something. And they were like, no, no. If you do break the fast, break it with something gentle, like one prune or something, because you're going to really cause damage to yourself otherwise.

44:21And I was like, right, right, okay. And then I went down into, because it was on a mountain overlooking like a lake in a village, right? And I went down into the village. When was this? A couple of years ago. Yeah, okay, sorry, carry on. It was as we were doing the final edits of my book off, well, this is going to really reset me mentally. Yeah, yeah. So I went down into the village, I went to this bakery, German bakeries are amazing, and I got this pastry that was just like this big with apples and custard in it, and I took a bite out of it, and I went, yum! Like that. Out loud. Yeah, out loud, like a cartoon.

44:58And people were looking at me, but they weren't surprised because they obviously were like someone's got out of the retreat again and this is happening on the regular oh she's from the mountain yeah and I thought I'm not breaking it with I did get some prunes but then I went I like ate the whole bag of prunes and the nurse wasn't lying like it does fuck you up if you don't break your fast properly was this before or after Pasco and Romesh had told you to not eat meat after oh like years after yeah yeah So it's just the same lesson again. Well, it's the same again. Your body's stopped making the stuff that breaks down everything.

45:37But when you start eating again, you just feel so euphoric for days. And you want to tell everyone to go on a fast, but no one believes you. So I'd love to do it again. But I think this time, at the very start, I'd say put my card in the safe and don't give me any money on anything. Like it's rehab, basically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. because you're not even allowed coffee you're not allowed coffee no um so is everyone just sort of lolling about this place just like super low energy um you're well you can go on walks through the um forest with people but they're all mental rich people so i don't have anything to say to them um the worst bit is the first night to ease you into the fast you eat some mashed potato with like a bit of cabbage or something and you have to like sit with other people who are going on the fast.

46:32So they sat me with this like lovely old Greek man who was massive and he was like, every year I eat lots of feta pies on my Greek island. Then I come on the fasting retreat. Then I go back to Greece and I do the whole thing again. I was like, right, that's amazing. It doesn't feel healthy. It doesn't feel like the healthy way of doing things necessarily. Yeah, yeah. yeah so then I had to I still had another like five days to go in the retreat and I'd paid my money so I just like had to pretend I was on the fast but I was going down to the bakery every day every day they must have known you're the only one with energy bouncing around like going come on on the walks getting everyone to run yeah you've got crumbs all over you oh honestly like that was the thought I was like they must know because I was coming back with like cakes in my backpack and stuff well yeah also I guess they don't care right you've still paid to be at the retreat so you can just go through the motions yeah and at the end they give you a certificate and you get to eat like another plate of mashed potatoes or something and yeah I felt really ashamed I wanted to hand it back and be like I felt like an Olympian that had been doping I don't deserve this

47:53I reckon you'll be able to guess Phil's drink A red wine? It is a wine It's a Riesling white wine Oh a Riesling It's a Riesling I think we talked Phil was less into wine when we did He was just starting to get into wine He was just starting to get into wine And I think Even I might have suggested the Riesling To him Wow Because he wanted something to But now As you know Phil's a wine boff Yeah Phil knows so much about wine yeah I think he did the wines of New Zealand on Mastermind he did everything right yeah I went there with him I was on the other episode oh what did you do I was doing History of Ice Cream which I did not revise for how did you do alright actually yeah I mean I really panicked before I went on had to text Ed in the dressing room being like this is the worst thing I've ever done I can't believe I've agreed to do this I haven't even revised I don't know anything because you know they make it quite have you done it actually I got offered it and decided not to because I was worried that I wouldn't do well on it I was going to do facts about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes marriage or something the marriage specifically do you know a lot about that I know I know more about their marriage than I do about her body of what about like her poetry anyway what can you tell us about the Ted Hughes Sylvia Plath marriage happy marriage no I mean well like he was getting all this praise for his writing and then she was in and then he had an affair with a woman called Asia and it was going to get dark but I mean happily after she died after Sylvia Plath died she got critical acclaim so maybe she's watching down from heaven yeah it's a nicer way to end the story and she went to heaven and she's now watching all the critical acclaim she's got for the bell jar well he was like Ted Hughes was like no like after she died he was like really guilty about having the affair yeah I know a lot about her and it's useless so I don't know why I didn't go on Mastermind with it to be honest me and Alison did Pointless and like actually me and Alison were the bad people because AJ and Curtis got asked which 1947 film was written directed and had this actor starring in it OW right and they said Oprah Winfrey and you can you can hear me and Alison laughing it is funny it was very funny and they were they were even saying to each other they were like oh Curtis we say stupid things all the time so they just got to go home after the first question yeah yeah yeah that is the thing about doing pointless is you're like yeah I didn't go out first and then you're like I could have been home by now yeah I mean how far did you get in it we won Wow.

50:46Because Alison is like psychotically obsessed with pointless. Yeah. Did you get a pointless answer in the final? I don't really understand. Even though I've been on it, I can't remember. I fully believe that. Phone ask why there's a lamp here. Yeah, I fully believe that you would not know if you won or not. We did. We won. Yeah, but you don't know if you got the pointless answer or not. No, the very final bit, we didn't get that. Yeah. We got trophies. Yes. Yeah. But, yeah, the very final bit, we didn't. But I mean, it was easier than I thought it would be much easier. Yeah. Because it's about anticipating how stupid the British public is.

51:21Sure. That's the premise of the show. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seemed to be that way. Yeah, sometimes you watch it at home and you kind of go, okay, well, my first instinct is this answer, but loads of people would have said that, so I wouldn't say it. Yeah. And then you discover that was like a pointless answer. Yeah. Because actually, no one knows anything about that subject anyway, or whatever, you know, and I'm not I'm not clever no by any stretch yeah but like there were a lot of people who seemed to not get any of them on it I really enjoyed you saying you're not clever and Fern making no attempts to yeah she said yeah no I didn't I was saying I was saying yes thinking yeah I'm not that clever but like dude I often I've realised for a lot of my life I'm overestimating how clever other people are yeah and it's that hasn't changed you on you or if anything it just gets more frightening that's the only thing that relaxed me when I was learning to drive because I learned to drive quite like late-ish I was like in my early 20s and I was like really nervous like you're in charge of this vehicle it's terrifying and someone said to me but think how stupid most people are stupid stupid people drive yeah right and stupid people don't think I'm in charge of a vehicle yeah so the fact you're even thinking that makes it scarier for me yeah it does make being on the road of other people who are stupid and don't think they're in charge of a vehicle you're the worst one you're the worst driver ever oh yeah you came up during my because I kept asking people when I was I only passed my test last year yeah and then I would ask other lost comedians about it you were very comforting yes then people would tell the story of like why James doesn't drive and it was so harrowing and it was so someone told it once and it was so like cinematic the way they told it and I was like oh god yeah it's pretty it's pretty crazy wasn't it like the way I got told it was that you were in a car crashed it I'm quite looking forward to hearing this I haven't heard it told back to me before so you crashed this car and then Henry Widdicombe was driving a little way behind you in front of us in front of you don't interrupt so he gets he gets out of the car and he just walks slowly towards it because he's like I'm going to find all of my friends dead that is true yeah yeah yeah and then I'm sure he's got more friends then like a guy driving a tractor or something goes over to you and is like you fucking idiot and then that was the moment where you were like I will not drive again because I'm not meant to drive yes yeah it was a lorry it was a log lorry not a tractor oh that's worse and he's yeah he called me a twat but he really suckered me in really well because he was up on the road and we were by this point we were down in a field we had gone completely so that and there was a whole sea of logs in between us and him and he shouted down are you guys okay which one's the driver are you okay and I was like oh I'm the driver and he went you're a fucking twat mate and I was like well I fell for that yeah but yeah Henry walked back to the car because he to us because he thought I don't want to see this because he was in front of us so when he saw it and he was pulled up at the side of the road waiting for us to catch up with him so he saw the whole thing in his rear view mirror and he saw the lorry drive over the front of our car drive over the bonnet but he thought it had gone over the middle because he couldn't see where it had driven over so he thought it had gone over the whole car and then he saw it flip over the lorry and all the logs fall out and onto our car and he said it looked like the logs were going through the car so he's like well there's just no way that my friends are going to be there still so that's why he walked back oh my god and then we were just all three of us standing there like is the gig still on Henry?

55:16are we still doing the gig tonight? but yeah did you do the gig? no could cancel the rest of that leg of the tour yeah so you know there are stupid people out there who shouldn't drive yes and I'm one of them I'm alright at it yeah good on you I think it helps if you learn in London though because that's the worst it's ever going to be yeah and then everywhere else feels quite nice although I was driving in Manchester on tour and I didn't like that no? no they're pretty mad they're mad for it yeah Manchester so Phil's having a Riesling you're not really a boozer are you? you'd rather no actually there's a really nice wine bar between my house and Phil's house and we went there because what I try and do now is not drink for as long as I possibly can and then break it with one glass of wine.

56:10Nice. And then I regret it because I've just not got a tolerance for it. And then I go back to not drinking again. So the wine has to really be worth it. Yeah. Yeah, we went to this place, Joyce in Broccoli, that's what it's called. And it does loads of natural wines. But the reason it's good is because often when I break my drinking streak, I'll have the drink and be like, this wine is disgusting. and now I've broken a drink a no drinking streak for no reason but this place they let you try all the wines first to make sure you're picking the right one and it's great did you shout yum? I did shit so weird you say that I did say something that I remember Phil made a little face that I was like yummy and then the women behind the bar because the staff are nice there and the women behind the bar was just like it's okay so you said something and Phil made a like he cringed because I wasn't like doing the right I don't think you two should be friends you know well you shouldn't be married yeah worst marriage ever definitely not married but I made a I made a noise that wasn't like a cool wine noise said yummy and Phil went I didn't go interested yeah yeah so yeah I like places that let you try because I just I had a drink last month I broke the drinking streak I really like this place Sylvan in Glasgow it's the same people that ran the Hug and Pint and they do loads of like small plates or like fancy vegetables and all that stuff but they also have a massive wine list and I had an English Pinot Noir and I regretted that because it was English because it was English no there's an English champagne that I like a lot you would know it do you know what I mean yeah Nightimber yeah I like that doesn't it scare you though when you're drinking English champagne does it no because it's just like sign of global warming it's not champagne just knock it on the head it's not champagne it's just a reminder of the climate crisis well so I was thinking about the climate I was like let's have a positive come out of the climate crisis the English wine scene is meant to be getting better and better so I'll try this English Pinot Noir.

58:36It tasted like dirt from the ground and I wish I'd just stuck with something Spanish or Italian. So we're not there yet. At least we know the climate's not so bad that we've got good English Pinot Noir. That's when we need to be. That's when we worry. Well, I mean, worry now anyway, but like, you know, we only worry when we start getting excellent Cabernet Sauvignon. You know, it's absolute doomsday when you have a drink of an English sparkling wine and go, that is the best. oh no by the time we got Malbec the whole world's on fire yeah absolutely oh really so it needs to be hot for Malbec Malbec tends to come from hotter hotter climate places like South America and yeah places like that and then colder places make minerally wine yeah they depend more minerally it depends on the terroir whoa what so what I've just accepted that word as well back in the MCU the whole environment of where it's grown so quite often wines the vineyards that are on the coastline close to the sea will actually be more saline and have more mineral taste.

59:40But yeah, I try and keep it under my hat a little bit on this podcast that I'm a total tosser. No, well, Phil told me that you shouldn't go off the country, you should go off the grape. Yeah, but certain grapes grow better in certain countries. So like Riesling, well, they grow, like nice Riesling in California but also in Germany and Austria as well. Yeah, I just, but I mean, I've found if I pick according to country, it's pretty consistent. Having said that, I was always so unfair, like, I always thought I hated French wines and then I had loads of nice natural French wine in Paris. Loads and loads.

1:00:22And they were, and they were so lovely about it as well. The last two times I've been in Paris. No, because the Parisians have their shrimp. And they were, they were dead set. yeah I guess if you're going to cool places where they're a bit more relaxed and sort of yeah maybe that yeah if I could give up wine maybe I said this on the last thing if I didn't like red wine I'd be fine to not drink right that's the one but it's just so tasty when you finally have a good one it's so good yeah I think it's good to like you know every now and again break your fast with like break your wine fast so I remember a fast it's very confusing because you did actual you go to fasting retreats too but like to break it with a really good one.

1:01:05And it's impressive that you don't understand that's you drinking from then on. Because for me, I'll have breaks from drinking and then I know that as soon as I start drinking again, it's like, oh, back to normal. Oh, no, I don't like the feeling of my eyes rolling around my head. Okay. They shouldn't be doing that. I don't think my eyes roll around my head.

1:01:28It's making sense to you as a responding this week because I've been trying to tell my audience this. Yeah. And I thought everyone would know what I meant. Yeah. I can't, if I, it used to just be, I could handle two glasses of wine. Now I can't go past one glass of wine because my eyes start moving around my head. How far back are we talking? How far back do the eyes go? It's like, I can't focus on people when I'm talking to them and it's really embarrassing.

1:02:00we're arriving at the dessert this is Phil Wang's dream dessert let me try and guess yeah go on give you three guesses is it ice cream? not ice cream is it a cake? not quite a cake oh no he says the only thing that the British do well is puddings so I'm going to guess that it's something like a sticky toffee pudding. It's not. It's a... It's got an element of that. Banoffee. Is it banoffee? Banoffee pie. Yeah. It's banoffee pie. Yes. There you go. That was pretty good. Yeah, that was pretty good. That was going to be my first guess. Oh. Because he did this Guardian food thing. Yeah. And banoffee pie...

1:02:45I think they like covered him in banoffee pies for it or something. Really? Yeah. Wow. Look it up, Benito. Look it up, Benito. Let's see this image. I was going to see wearing covered in banoffee pies. Covered in banoffee pies. Because for my one, they had bagels and that isn't my number one food of all time. I think they just thought it would make a nice picture. Yeah. Right. We talked about the, Benitez found something. It's a big pile of bananas. But it's got a little, it's got a banoffee pie at the top there. Okay, I made it sound better. Yeah. He has got a slice of banoffee pie. Mine was more embarrassing than that.

1:03:19I'm grating cheese in a guitar-shaped cheese grater. What is this? Observer Food Month, is it? You've done it. Haven't you? I haven't done it. Or is it Guardian? Probably you've done it and you had an ice cream and you were looking... Oh, I did do a photo shoot but they gave me ice cream. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you've done it. Oh, yeah, I've done it. Yeah, I don't trust James to remember what he's done but he's definitely done it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Ed's looking very metal there with a little heavy metal. Wow. She's great. That's good. Yeah. Look up James's. yeah yeah I definitely did an ice cream one oh I'll tell you my favourite dessert I've discovered in the last year or so I met this Turkish chef I think his name's Big Haz Big Haz yeah yeah oh my god Kinefa have you had it?

1:04:09I don't think I've ever had it you know but I'm it's the shreds of pastry right you get it's yeah it's a little bit like a bit like baklava but a different texture but it's got this sweet mozzarella type cheese in the middle and it's amazing. It's like my favourite. Sorry, my tummy's rumbling now. I can hear it. You've got the first, you won't be the last, Fern. I have to eat it. And I did the London bit on my tour in West London and they've got much better Lebanese and Middle Eastern food compared to where I live. And I got a load of kinefos. No one else was that excited about it. Like I got one from my tour manager, one from me, and then one from my boyfriend that I then also ate the next day.

1:04:57Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure he understood that that was the deal. Well, he was just like, oh, this is just, he was like, it's fine. It's not that good. It's so gutting, isn't it? When you discover something that's amazing and you want to introduce it to people, to people who, you know, mean something to you or your mate, you go, try these. And they go, yeah, it's all right. And for one, And I've never had the guts to really do that. If I'm on the receiving end of that, if someone else says to me, you've got to try this stuff, it's so good. Yeah. And I think it's just fine. I'll at least upgrade that to, oh yeah, that's really tasty.

1:05:31Yeah. I won't go, it's all right. And completely crush this thing that they love. James is currently having a long distance argument with his fake Asian husband, Nish. Because Nish is traveling around America and James keeps recommending him places to go and Nish either goes to them and doesn't say anything about the food he ate or he ignores the recommendation. But doesn't Nish have Nando's for every tour date? Yeah, we're good looking America. See, I do that when I'm in the UK quite a lot. Sure. You know what I read that Nando's is the live-laugh-love of the food world? And I thought that was so accurate.

1:06:07Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally get on board with that and you know what? I live, I laugh, I love. Don't, but is it because, but what? because you can for me the best bit of tour is that I might find a new tasty food place yeah yeah it's the best yeah but there is also that thing around the UK where if you can't I definitely try like when we're on the way in to the actual city itself I'll google where the best place to eat is try and find somewhere but if you can't Nando's is always there as a little and it's always the same but the food scene has got so much better across the rest of the UK like because when I started touring I would go to places and just be like I'm just going to go to a supermarket and get stuff for my dinner whereas this tour like oh the best Thai food Sheffield and Nottingham have this Thai not a chain there's a place that has like two restaurants I can't remember the name of it I think I know what you mean I think in Nottingham I've been to a really good Thai place as well it's definitely going to be this one I couldn't believe how spicy it was and like a lot of Thai takeaways you get in the UK are too sugary and this tasted like proper Thai food I think I have been to one in Nottingham like that actually maybe I went to a place in Bath as well that did Thai good Thai street food Zap Zap yeah I've been to Zap I've been to Zap I was so happy when because I did Nottingham and then I did Sheffield like a month later and I found out that they had a branch of Zap there as well and I was like this is amazing you go in and there's like rickshaws everywhere and stuff.

1:07:43It's quite a mad interior. Oh, I haven't been in. I just ordered it. It was because the door staff recommended it. Yeah. Well, I went to a place in Bath. I don't think it was a zap, but I sort of ordered just quickly and then everything arrived and it turned out I'd ordered just three soups, basically. Oh, no. Quite sort of broths. Yeah. Alison Spittle jumping for joy. Spicy broths. She wouldn't have been after this. So I ate all the broths really quickly, went off to do the gig. I'd say 10 minutes before I went on, the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. Oh, no. And I don't think this was an issue with the food.

1:08:16I think it was my selection of the food. My body was just screaming at me going, why, we've just got loads of spicy water. And it was funny though, man. It's the only time I've ever been ill and laughing out loud at the same time. My tour manager was going, Ed, you're due on stage. We've got clearance. We're ready to go. I go, I've got fucking clearance, mate. And I'm laughing out loud while I'm... That's lovely. Even your diarrhea is wholesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like laughing away. It's funny. funny old times good to be at Gamble gig of my life as well when I went on yeah it was flying yeah because you'd done a lot of poos yeah yeah yeah what you did there was um you accidentally did a detox thing called a salt water flush I think yeah which uh they do in the fasting world where you drink a load of salty water there you go and it makes you poop uh that's what you've done to yourself by having all the broth I did a cheaper version of going up a mountain in Germany yeah yeah so how do you feel about the menu that we brought to you.

1:09:12Oh, great. Sparkle water, the poppadum, salmon roe and drug leaf, the Malaysian eggy soup, clear Chinese broth, Riesling white wine and the banoffee pie, which I haven't really talked much about the banoffee pie. Would you like that? You enjoy banoffee pie? I've deliberately skipped over the banoffee pie thing because I made it, when I make, when I bake something and it goes wrong, I carry the shame with me for years. Like a Japanese businessman that's let down the whole company. That's how I feel. Okay. So I made... Wow, that's only specific. Yeah, every year, my boyfriend's pals have this Christmas party that's like all Irish people in London.

1:09:54And one year I said, I'm going to make a banoffee pie for it. And I made the caramel wrong and it was like rock hard. And it just wasn't right. I mean, they were all drunk. They wouldn't even remember this. no one remembers this apart from me but every year since my desserts have had to get more and more exciting and more and more perfect sometimes I bring two desserts because I just feel so ashamed at that time I haven't been baking since Bake Off because it traumatised me yeah join the club yeah yeah but you weren't good at it you weren't good at baking when you went on it correct I was good at baking yeah and then Paul Hollywood criticised like the size of my buns and said that they weren't all uniforms shape and size that would be mature I'd be sorry yeah that's funny though sorry oh right yeah like bums bum or boobs yeah yeah yeah yeah apologies for laughing at that Paul Hollywood criticised the size of your buns yeah that's funny fair enough apologies and he said like it almost tastes like a pretzel and I just took that I don't think he meant it negatively but yeah does he know that does he know that what he's actually done is affect your future confidence in baking I don't care I mean the end of my current tour show is about Bake Off and what what dark programme it is did you find it to be quite a dark I actually watched a clip of you afterwards no I really liked the crew because Sam from Taskmaster yeah yeah so when i finished filming i went back to the hotel and then i was like because i hadn't watched bake-off never mind the celebrity bake-off so that was that was where i went wrong just having not watched it at all and then i looked up comedians on bake-off and your clip came up and you were like getting everything wrong i'm being silly and i was like that's a good impression But that was when I was like, oh, I've fucked this.

1:12:03Like, I've done this so wrong. Because I kept getting confused because like Dermot O 'Leary, who's a really nice man, kept coming over to be like, oh, how are you getting on, Fern? And there must be something in the show where you're meant to stop baking and chat. And I just was like, go back to your island. And then the other guy, Greg James, would like call over to me, how are you getting on and I just didn't know why people kept trying to talk to me because I wanted to just bake and bake and bake and then Mel B who I idolised as a child literally I have a hole in my tongue from getting my tongue pierced to copy her when I was a teenager Mel B kept it was almost like a like a hallucinogenic type situation she kept coming over being like Fern how do I turn my blender on and I'd be like go away please let me just keep baking but you're not meant to do that I didn't expect you to do a little bit of chat maybe I found the chat excruciating and then Noel Fielding was like oh you're the only person that's come on this and wanted to talk about yeast and whether you've killed off your yeast and people kept hinting at me that I was getting the tone wrong yeah but it's only two days so yeah yeah it's two days and once you've committed to that the first yeah the second day I had to retake all of my talking head bits from the day before oh yeah they said we're going to have to do all of those again yeah and cheer up this time and can you can you just keep it a bit light and remember that this is for charity we're trying to raise some money here yeah and don't don't just stand there going no one should ever bake this is the worst thing ever yeah yeah yeah fair enough yeah Yeah, absolutely.

1:13:58Absolutely saw it from that point of view. Obviously, that clip of you pops up a lot. Sure. And it popped up again for me, I think today or yesterday. And you know, there's all these people who do impressions of you online and they're insane. Yeah. Just like completely over the top. Yeah. They're all basing it on that clip because in that clip, you genuinely sound like all of those impressions. You're way higher. I don't know what's happened to your voice. When I'm on Baker. Yeah. Your voice is so much higher than it is now. Yeah. It's like you went through puberty after that clip. Yeah. Well, I was going...

1:14:27You're a static bugger! It is that. I was going insane. I don't know what I'm doing. I was jet-lagged all over the place. I didn't know what I was doing. I wish I'd gone on and baked things in a bad way, but I couldn't... You've got to be committed to it if you want to do it. I've got to try. I went on, just baked my heart out. It wasn't good enough, but... Are you good at baking? No, I'm not really a baker. I wouldn't bake for fun. But obviously it's like based in cooking and I'm competitive. So I was like, I did practice it a lot. Yeah. I mean, I really genuinely, I wasn't able to bake after for a long time after because I would just look at my things that I made and think, oh, they're not a uniform size and shape and have Paul Hollywood's words echoing in my head.

1:15:15Thank you so much for coming back to the Dream Restaurant, Fern. It was a pleasure. It's been delightful hosting you again. Yes. And we hope you enjoyed Phil Wang's menu. And congratulations, we selected a nice menu for you that we thought you'd actually like. Oh, I did. It's making me really crave Malaysian eggy soup now. Fantastic.

1:15:39Brilliant. Thank you so much to Fern for coming back on the pod. Yeah, we learned so much more about Fern, about Phil, about Fern and Phil. Yes. And that's not... Not Fern, Britton and Phil Schofield. No. we've learnt too much about one of them yeah that we wish we hadn't I think Fern enjoyed that menu yes I think she did and yeah it was great to hear about the fasting retreat good to hear about another nightmare bake-off appearance yeah I mean Phil lots and she said she doubts that she doesn't know if Paul Hollywood will be able to remember it yeah he won't he won't remember we know that he didn't remember you he didn't remember he goes I remember you didn't do too well I don't really remember what the thing was are you kidding me worst day of my life to be fair Fern also asked why there was a lamp here and what the original format of the podcast was and also said she listens to loads of episodes and she definitely listens to loads of episodes you know that's not something she's just said to be nice in the past she listened to loads and never once clocked that it's a dream menu and that there's a genie involved so like you know did we not make that obvious enough I thought we had maybe we need to focus on our branding a little bit more maybe we need to dress it up man Yeah, we really need to go hard on the branding.

1:16:53Benito's holding his laptop like he's going to show us something. There's me with some ice cream. Oh, we finally saw your... Is it Observer Food Monthly or was it? Yeah, Observer Food Monthly. Yeah, I've got some ice creams there. There's a bright yellow one. I think they might have even been sorbets. I definitely ate all of it. Yes. Well, you've got to because, you know, you get the pictures and then it's just melting, right? Yeah, we'll just put two ice creams in the bin and go home. There's a blood orange one there and a lemon sherbet one. Yes. Delicious. That's a nice photo. Yeah, it's quite a nice photo.

1:17:20And Phil ate all the bananas. that's what Benito says Benito just said fillet all the bananas yeah he's smiling to himself now he's laughing to himself Benito is his own biggest fan yeah it's a good way to be it's a good way to be yeah you know but also like he's his own biggest fan but doesn't expect anyone else to be so doesn't he include himself in the podcast no just quietly will smile and laugh to himself it's something he's just said a lot of self-awareness there to be like I love it yeah but I don't think it's like gonna necessarily translate to everyone so I will not include it in the podcast but I will enjoy it maximum amount every time which is quite sweet and don't forget that Fern is doing a brand new podcast with the wonderful Alison Spittel it's called Ignore That Feeling it's available wherever you get your podcasts from and indeed watch it on YouTube and watch us on YouTube thank you very much for listening we'll be back with something next week bye bye goodbye

1:18:26Hey, I'm Alison Spittel. And I'm Fern Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February.

1:19:03So please listen and subscribe.