Graham Norton

0:00James Acaster: I'm on tour. I'm on tour until August. And there are still tickets available at jamesacaster.com. I'm looking at you, Glasgow, Belfast. Oh, there was somewhere else. Just please go on the website and buy tickets, please. Jamesacaster.com.

0:30Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the dough of conversation, forming it into the balls of humour, baking it in the oven of chat, and covering it in the garlic butter of friendship, James. Doughballs, garlic doughballs.

0:45James Acaster: That is it, Gamble, my name is James Acaster. Together we only drink mess-run every single week. We're inviting a guest and asking a favour to ever start a main course of a side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Graham Norton! The King. National Trej. international trej international trej absolutely love Graham Norton I mean you know growing up watching him do stand up yes Papa Moon Father Ted Father Ted obviously his iconic chat show what's that are you speaking Father Ted yeah love Graham Norton yeah he's amazing I'm a bit intimidated talking to someone who's so good at interviewing yeah and we're interviewing him I would normally but I just think he's so friendly isn't he?

1:29Hopefully he doesn't tear us apart for our interviewing skills James.

1:33James Acaster: Actually it'd be a privilege if he tore us apart. I'd love it. We deserve it. We deserve it. It's been a long time coming I'm sure there are people listening to this podcast for many years because they love the guests and like when is someone going to pick these guys up on their interviewing technique is awful and it might finally happen it might finally get your wish. We love Graham Norton but we will kick him out at the Dream Restaurant if he picks an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable the secret ingredient and this week The secret ingredient is... Golden Grahams. His name's Grahams.

2:03James Acaster: And he's golden. Yeah, he's the golden boy. The golden boy of television. Yes. It'd be funny if we kicked Grahams Norton out. It'd be really funny. It'd be really funny. He says, hey, I know it's my name, but I would like Golden Grahams. Get out. Yeah, get out, mate. Because that's not something he has on his show. That's a format point he's not used to. As far as I'm aware, they don't have anything in place on his chat show where a guest could be kicked out if they say something. Was that red chair tipped backwards and dunk him into some flames? No, I've just realised we've ripped off Graham Norton.

2:34We're just doing a linguistic red chair. We've ripped it off. Yeah. And we're chatting to people. And we're chatting to people which he owns. Yeah. Well, you know, fair enough.

2:45James Acaster: We weren't to know when we started it out. It's gone well now. It's too late to turn back now. Yeah. So if Graham does get kicked out he won't have a chance to talk about his brand new show for ITV. The Neighbourhood. The Neighbourhood. it's a brand new reality competition format different families different groups of people move to a neighbourhood and it's like an elimination thing I think I mean we're going to find out more about it from Graham but it seems very interesting I've not heard about anything starts on the 24th of April and it's on at 9pm on ITV1 I think that's the that's the take home that's the takeaway and ITVX oh yeah of course let's not forget ITVX and what about this podcast Wangin' On wanging on with Maria McElaine his friend Maria McElaine they do a show together called wanging on it's a podcast we do that he's ripped us he's ripped us off yeah and they've been friends for 30 years yeah so they've got something to say to each other I'm sure which we're like you know I guess we've ripped that off in a way yeah we're heading there by being friends yes we are friends friends for 18 years maybe 17 maybe I don't know how I don't know when our exactly what year our friendship started it's weird if we knew that yeah We're gone.

3:54James Acaster: We're officially... Yeah. This is it. It's weird to do that at the beginning, isn't it? Yeah. Be like, remember this moment? Starting now. If you do that. Yeah. Right, starting now. Yeah. Benito, can we be friends? Yeah? All right, starting now. Not yet. We're not starting yet. This is the Off Menu Menu of Graham Norton.

4:25Welcome, Graham, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you very much. Welcome, Graham Norton, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very high energy. But you're very high energy on your show. I am, kind of, yeah. You're high energy when you need to be, and then you can sit back, and you switch up the energy.

4:44Graham Norton: I think people think I'm very busy. They'd be amazed how much time I sit staring at walls, picking my nose in a low-energy way.

4:53James Acaster: it's very exciting for us I think like I mean we're not we've never claimed to be the best in the biz when it comes to interviewing anyway we would never do that but we every now and again we get to interview people who themselves interview people

5:06Graham Norton: which is weird right it is it is it's a bit meta that you know yeah pot will eat itself yeah you are it's like

5:13James Acaster: if we stick to food a chef cooking for a chef yes but this is like two trainee chefs cooking for the master

5:21Graham Norton: I don't know about that but it's very nice what you say but i've been doing it a long time but i still you know but the thing that keeps you interested i think in this thing this whatever this dynamic is is that you never quite know what you're going to get you never you know you could be all prepared you can see them on other shows you can listen to them on podcasts but once they're in the chair opposite you it's still kind of an unknown quantity do you remember who who surprised you the most that you've interviewed loads of people have surprised me particularly back in the day when i was really clueless like some of the big Hollywood actors you kind of think oh they're going to be so boring and serious and then you know Dustin Coffman came on he was like a clown he just told dick jokes and he was just brilliant was that back in the day with the Channel 4 show when you were doing all of that was like in our house that was we had to watch that because it was when Big Brother was on and you were doing like the monologues at the top about Big Brother and he came on and did a sketch where he was pretending to be someone from Big Brother he dressed up as various characters from Big Brother and it was either season one or season two of Big Brother when it was, you know, people were blowing everyone's minds.

6:28Graham Norton: And for those kids to get out of that house and find out that Dustin Hoffman had been playing them. And I remember the specific one because it was such a big, I was like, it blew me away when it was the, I think he was called Johnny, he was a fireman. He was a fireman, definitely. From County Durham. And he came out, I remember this moment very well. And he came out and he came on your show and you showed him a video of Dustin Hoffman pretending to be him in the diary room. It's like, what does that do to your brain? It is. I mean, when you think back to, you know, Big Brother then, I mean, it was so huge.

7:03Graham Norton: Yeah. I remember once, it was during that time, and you rarely know when you're having a moment that you could look back on. You know what I mean? Normally it's over by the time that happens. But I remember we were having dinner after doing the show and we were in the OXO Tower and it was a beautiful night and we were sat on that little terrace looking out over London and London studios were right next door and it really felt like we were at the heart of everything that was going on. It was exciting at the time. That's nice.

7:34James Acaster: Well, I think we have a new show that is going to do that, The Neighbourhood.

7:40Graham Norton: Oh, this old dog is learning some new tricks.

7:47James Acaster: Yes, there is a new show. Don't joke all the neighbourhoods.

7:51Graham Norton: Yeah, who knows? Maybe it will become... No, it's a... Yeah, it's a big ITV format show. They're taking a really big swing on this thing. It's huge. It's absolutely massive. It wasn't Durham. It was somewhere else. Derbyshire is where we went. And they took over... It's kind of a holiday village, and they took over the whole thing. And it's these real pre-existing households. So some of them are kind of families. Some of them are like blended modern families. some of them are uh housemates like uni friends and uh they six of them come in and they compete for a quarter of a million wow which what's interesting is like for the minute they get there you're only six households away from a quarter of a million yeah you know it's not like you're 22 people away from the prize yeah it's it's very close so it's competitive straight away well it's it's an odd thing it's kind of half competitive and then half lovely because they all get on it's a i'm probably not selling the show if i say it's wholesome but it genuinely felt yeah awesome because the sun is out like we're doing these uh the way they vote each other out is quite cute they do these things called the removals where uh each household puts a for sale sign outside the house they want to leave and uh we're doing them and the sun is setting and They're literally a duck with her ducklings walking across the set.

9:18It was about like a heron flying overhead. I think people want a bit of wholesome sometimes though, right? Especially, I think there's always like a reflective thing of how the world is versus what the TV you want is. And it's always the opposite, I think.

9:30Graham Norton: I mean, I think this, you watch it and one, there's a slight kind of Truman show. The art department has done an amazing job of kind of, it's all real, it's all there, but it's kind of heightened. and even when you were on set you'd you'd kind of see flowers and you're kind of are those really is that fake and you'd have to touch them and you know you'd see people watering fake flowers yeah um so there's there's that element but then you know and i don't think this was meant to be a part of the show but what's kind of lovely is some of these households in real life would either never meet or certainly would not spend time getting to know each other and that I found really kind of cheery and optimistic and lovely yeah that the households did not behave in a way that I uh you know cynically thought they would yes uh they didn't turn on the people they thought they would do you live in the neighborhood as well I'm there most of the time and you don't have like a house right on the top of the hill or something I did have a little cottage at the top of the hill but because there was nothing to do I did kind of just hang out there because I was in I had my own little house by the lake and it had a big bank of monitors where I could kind of watch everything that was going on because these four people are being filmed 24-7 now that I'm doing the voiceover and watching it I'm seeing all this stuff that I didn't know had happened yeah that's good

10:58James Acaster: that behind all the wholesomeness there's a big house by the lake where someone's watching and my loads of monitors 24-7. That is like, yeah, that's good.

11:08Graham Norton: But it was interesting though, the people who came in with that mindset thinking, right, this is all a TV show and a game and they came in with like a game plan. They didn't do very well. It was the people who just came in and jogged long and got on with people.

11:22James Acaster: They made it kind of further in the show. Sold. Sold, yeah. Yeah. Let's get into your dream menu. We all start with still a... Well, we should do a bit more. Oh, sorry, yes. James, we should do a bit more wanging on. Oh. Oh, God, this old dog learning is... It's going to get me... See, I thought we were going to get rid of the bit of me fucking up, but now we've got to keep it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that. Yeah. Fair enough. I'm a pro at making you look shit. People want to hear it all. Yeah. Authentic voices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your podcast wanging on. Yes.

11:57Graham Norton: I'm so sorry I've joined. I mean, mind you, I kind of thought we must be the last possible podcast.

12:03James Acaster: No. People are still climbing on board the podcast train.

12:10Graham Norton: Destination nowhere. But, yeah, basically it's a thing. I did it on Radio 2 with my friend Maria. It's problems. You know, people write in. So we did it for 10 years on Radio 2. Then I went to Verger for three years. Then I quit that. People said, oh, you should do a podcast. And we think, you don't mean that. but anyway we did and it turns out people do quite like it yeah they do like them yeah and I yeah I listen to way more podcasts than I used to yeah do you guys listen to podcasts no I listen to a few James doesn't listen to any of them he'll never listen to this back he'll never no do you just live in silence I listen to music all the time that you play or is on the radio no that's like that I've bought online I'm buying it online

12:57James Acaster: I'm downloading I'm doing that and then listening to quite obsessively listening to music but then like oh well every now and again maybe every five years I'll discover a podcast I like that recommends some music normally

13:11Graham Norton: yeah

13:12James Acaster: normally it's a limited it's a limited series it's not one that runs and runs like I did I did Dead Eyes but that's because it's like that is 30 episodes or whatever what was Dead Eyes? sounds good Dead Eyes was is by an improviser and actor who was cast in Band of Brothers. Oh, I have heard that, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've actually listened to it. You've got to consume a lot of content. It is fantastic. It's fantastic. And at the end of it, I felt properly like I would feel at the end of a TV show when it's finished or something. Like, you know, satisfied, but also a little bit sad that it's over.

13:48James Acaster: Yeah, that's a lovely feeling. Yeah, yeah, that's a nice feeling. They'll never get that with us. No. No. Well, I fucking hope so. I hope one day I'll feel the relief and sadness that it's over. Well, still a sparkling water, I guess. Back to the format.

14:14Graham Norton: Sadly, I do have a... Also, can I just say, I'm totally invested in this. I'm playing the game. I listen to this podcast. I enjoy this podcast. But I don't want anyone listening to this to think that I think my choices are interesting. Okay. Sure. You know, I worked in restaurants for years and those customers who kind of do all the kind of, if you were me, what would you have? All that, like their dinner is interesting to anyone else apart from them. Yeah. So I'm playing the game. I'm in. I'm in. You're in. But I just don't want anyone to think I'm that guy. No, and we want truth from you, Graham.

14:50You don't need to suddenly start picking wild things. No, no, I'm making choices. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

14:54James Acaster: I was going to say, you don't need to worry, because it's a podcast, we're asking, but you probably had this when you've interviewed people, and then afterwards someone says to you, I heard such and such on your show the other day, they love the sound of their own voice. And you're like, there's an interview in there.

15:11Graham Norton: I remember I wrote an autobiography, and one of the reviews said it was all about him. The book Graham Norton. That's right. Yes, it was.

15:22James Acaster: Yeah, that is correct. We love it when someone loves the sound of their own voice on our podcast. Please talk. I love the sound of my own voice. You don't believe your choices.

15:32Graham Norton: I don't believe my food choices are interesting. They're just your genuine choices, which is good. So it's still all sparkling water. I'm going sparkling. Oh, boring.

15:43James Acaster: It's still at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:45Graham Norton: I'm out.

15:46James Acaster: I'm in a restaurant. It's so sparkling. But surely you can't, when you're interviewing people, you can't have sparkling water on the table, can you? I don't have any water on the table. You have wine. You don't have any water on the table for your shows?

15:58Graham Norton: The guests can have it. I don't have any water. What the hell? You have a little wine, right? Yeah, a big wine. Big wine. People think it's so big, people think it is water.

16:07James Acaster: Yeah. Because it's got ice in it and it's in a huge glass. I assumed you would have some water nearby, something like that.

16:13Graham Norton: No, no, just wine. Wow. Don't whine. Respect. How are you pacing yourself through that wine during the record? Honestly, I really do just sip it. It came about because years ago when I started doing stand-up, or just doing like solo shows and stuff, like friends would go, oh, you seemed nervous. Right. And I could feel it in myself. I could feel that I was nervous. And then I was doing a terrible gig for the Australian Tourist Commission. That's an immediate no from it. A no brainer of a book. Honestly, I was so early. I was so green. It was because somebody I knew worked there. So, you know, one of those things.

17:00Graham Norton: They should never have booked me. But anyway, I was a surprise. So I was supposed to be like a pretend guest at the thing. So I had to stand with my glass of Australian wine. And I was sipping it. And because you're in that kind of adrenaline heightened thing, I could feel the wine like going through I could feel it in me and it and just those couple of sips just took the edge off yeah and so after that I went right I'm gonna do this if I'm gonna monitor it if it goes into suddenly oh you need two glasses of wine before you go on then I'll knock it on the head but for now it's doing a job and uh you know I don't really get nervous anymore but so now it's just habit but that's where it came from was just that it was almost like science that I could dose myself with a little bit of wine and just take the edge off How did the gig for the Australian tourist come from?

17:58Really good Wow Yeah, killed

18:00Graham Norton: Killed

18:01James Acaster: They talk about it still

18:02Graham Norton: You've heard of Australia, I think Oh yeah Good point I've been I've been a tourist See? There's a reason for that

18:09James Acaster: So you want sparkling water or do you want a humongous glass of wine?

18:13Graham Norton: I will have a humongous glass of wine Yeah Yeah Yeah I might start with something else though, like drinks wise. So that isn't even in your choices, is it? Yeah, but we let people hack it. We've let people like have different drinks throughout the meal. An aperitif. Oh, okay. Oh, well, I would have, then I'd start with, ideally, but you can't ask for this because no one knows how to make it, is a dirty, wet martini. A dirty, wet martini. Yeah, because all martinis are dry now. Yes, so you want like half a vermouth, half? A little bit of remoothing. Well done, I'm going to your restaurant. He's the guy.

18:49You don't want to come to mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know my martinis a bit.

18:52James Acaster: Yeah, I would have just looked at you and gone, they're all wet. That would have not gone well. So yeah, he knows his stuff. Gin or vodka? Dirty, so vodka. Oh, yes. Yeah, you can't dirty the gin.

19:04Graham Norton: Well, can you dirty gin? You can give it a go. I don't think it tastes very nice. I'm just not mad. I like gin, you know, but not as a martini. Too much gin. How many olives? I don't care. I don't ask as it comes. So long as there's a bit of, you know, the brine in there. Yeah, you need the brine. Have you experienced the blue cheese olive martini? Oh, fuck off. That's so rank. I love it. Really? Yeah, big time. Oh, no, that's, it's just, no, it's working way too hard. It's doing way too much. There shouldn't, you shouldn't have cheese in your drink. Yeah. And you can see the cheese, there's a scum on the top,

19:46James Acaster: there's a cheese scum on the top. Only if you leave it in there. I ordered it once, I was like, I've heard so much, mainly from Ed asking this question on the podcast, about these blue cheese olive martinis. So, only time I've ever been offered it, said yes, they arrive, I'd say within five seconds I'd eaten all the olives. So, that did nothing. So I was just like, oh, these are good. And had all the blue cheese stuffed olives, and then we just sat there like, oh, I guess that doesn't really... With a martini. Yeah, I've got a martini now. I've had that.

20:12Graham Norton: Yeah, I should have handed it. I'd have taken that off you. I was just in Chicago and I went to a steakhouse. I was alone and started with a martini. I'd say it was a pint and a half of martini with blue cheese olives. Best night of my life. America, they, like, here, you order a martini and like, those little kind of doll's house glasses arrive. With America, oh, lovely. Huge. Huge, big. And you've got to drink it quickly. Dita Von Tees could be in your glass.

20:39James Acaster: I love it. Pop-labs open! Pop-a-doms or bread? Graham Norton, pop-a-doms or bread?

20:44Graham Norton: I'm going bread. Probably shouted over him that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't know you were going to talk. That's the rules. Because I've listened to a lot of this podcast, but I haven't listened to all of it. How is pop-a-doms a choice? Well, we say it's the sort of thing that would come at the start of a meal. In an Indian restaurant? Yes. I'm trying to back James up here, but he did it on the first episode without asking, and now we have to do it.

21:03James Acaster: Basically, I think the day before the first episode or something like that, I'd been to a curry house. They'd bought the pop-a-doms out. I thought I fucking love Pappadams. I love them so much. I want to get it into our podcast somehow. They're so good. And I was like, do you know what? I actually think I prefer it when they bring out Pappadams to when you go to a restaurant and they bring bread out at the beginning. So I'm going to do that tomorrow.

21:27Graham Norton: No, no. I like Pappadams. It would just never cross my mind in a non-Indian restaurant. Well, no, you're right. Where are the Pappadams? Yeah, you are correct about that. But this restaurant is kind of like,

21:37James Acaster: yeah, it's your bread.

21:40Graham Norton: Any particular type of bread?

21:42James Acaster: Oh, now. Now you're giving me the bread choices.

21:44Graham Norton: I mean, to be honest, I could do without the bread. I don't care about the bread. Do you replace it with a drink? I'll take it. Well, I'm still enjoying my martini. I'll have another one if you're operating it. Since you're here. If it took a long time, if it took a long time, I will often then order my drink when they bring the first one. Because you kind of think, I'll need that. I'll need that lag.

22:07James Acaster: See, normally with our Irish guests, there's a little bit of pressure on this course to hit some certain points. Oh, soda bread. Hit soda bread, hit a certain type of butter. Oh, Kerrygold. Yeah, those things come up. People are quite delighted when those things...

22:23Graham Norton: Not Graham Norton. No, I couldn't care less. I occasionally would have a bit of toast or something, but I rarely eat bread. Like, it wouldn't cross my mind to buy bread in a shop. Yeah, sure. I rarely buy bread. I love bread, but that's why I don't buy bread. Oh, because you eat it? Yeah, because I eat it. I eat it all. And the other day I did buy a Gale's loaf and then I was like, I can't touch that again. So I put it on the draining board because I wouldn't look at it. What? So they don't get wet? So when I go into the kitchen, I'm just like looking around the kitchen. I'm not going, oh, I want some bread and go straight to the draining board.

22:59Sorry, you put it on the draining board so that you wouldn't look at it.

23:01James Acaster: What are you talking about?

23:02Graham Norton: It says a lot about how many dishes you do. What are you talking about? Someone in your house does not do drying up. I'll put this somewhere, I'm never going to see it. I don't go near the draining board. I go nowhere near the draining board. You could have hid it in the oven. If I put it in the dishwasher, I'd see it every day.

23:21You put it in the draining board. I'd put it in weird places so it's not a go-to. I'm not putting it on the side where the rest of the food goes, you know?

23:27James Acaster: I'll tell you where you should put it. Where in our house, if it goes, and then everyone forgets about it and doesn't see it, the bread bin. Yeah. That's where... We've got a bread bin, but we absolutely have had to stop using it. Because every time we put bread in there, then it's out of sight, we completely forget about it. Next time, you know, a few weeks later, buy a loaf of bread, have some toast, got to put it in the bread bin, big mouldy loaf in there staring back at you. Oh yeah, have bread. You don't have to have bread if you don't want to have bread. If you don't want bread, Graeme, you don't have to have bread.

23:58Well, no, I'm not having it. This is your dream meal. Keep it. Take it back. Take it back. Put your tongs down. So as a restaurant, we're nervous now because we're excited to have Graham Norton. And then we go back to the kitchen and go, Graham didn't want the bread. He didn't want it. And now the chef's worried.

24:13Graham Norton: No, I don't think waiters ever care if you turn down the bread. I think the key thing to remember is waiters don't care at all. Yeah. So long as you pay, that's all they care about.

24:25James Acaster: Yeah, some waiters only start to care or show they care at that point. Yeah. When it's time to pay. the whole meal just looking at you like you're a piece of shit you're trying to get them to like you they're not interested then they come along and hand you the card machine and then as you're about to pay they go anything fun planned tonight? what are you up to tonight? oh that sounds good I like that that sounds like my kind of evening you're cool and the tip you just do the tip and then you look at the screen

24:57Graham Norton: add a tip yeah I mean when I did it the thing that I think, like I never worked in very good restaurants, so when waiters come up now at the beginning of a meal and go, you know, is everything okay with your food? Like, I would never have done that. Yeah. Because I knew the answer. Well, like in places, there's some places where coming up and checking if everything is all right is built into the routine of how you work there, right? Oh yeah, no, it's the, you have to. But in Nando's, it's very obvious because they have to come and take the cockerel away from the table. Yeah. So in Nando's, there's a little cockerel.

25:29I don't know this. I've never been so there's a little wooden cockerel at your table when you sit down I might go now

25:37James Acaster: it's not life size it's time yeah it is it's very small it's within the the table number and they come over when you've started eating the food and they go is everything alright and you go yeah and before you finish saying yeah they've taken the wooden cockerel away and fucked off

25:49Graham Norton: what's that about well I think it's just it's so they know that they've asked so you look at the tables and you go too late to complain now the cock's gone yeah laughing

26:02James Acaster: let's get into your menu proper your dream starter okay now starters i found difficult

26:07Graham Norton: because starters are normally the nicest bit of the meal correct great thank you

26:11James Acaster: well no not correct but i like you so we'll carry on

26:17Graham Norton: it's a fantasy isn't it it's a dream thing so yeah uh there's a place in new york and they this these sound like they're not good but they're delicious and they do these lettuce cups right and it's a little you know like the lettuce is like a little you know burrito thing yeah and and inside it's really i think it's just kind of avocado chopped up with some herbs and seeds and stuff like it does sound awful but it's genuinely the most delicious thing is there a dressing in there or something yeah there'll be something in there a bit of soya or you know rice wine or something I don't know what's in there but it's delicious whereabouts is this restaurant?

27:01Graham Norton: it's a place called ABCV okay it's a Jean Georges and and I think you can get them here now I think he opened a restaurant in some new hotel because I can't remember any of it but yeah so that recommendation Google it kids but these lettuce cups are just delicious really really good I love that so far you've had two martinis and then some lettuce are you going to be all over the place, Graham? They're very filling them. Send back the bread. Get your most out of the martinis.

27:33James Acaster: Two olives and some lettuce. You spend a lot of time in America as well. You're back and forth quite a bit, quite regularly.

27:40Graham Norton: Yeah, I mean, less so now.

27:43James Acaster: Sure. That's why you're starting new civilisations in the UK and making a TV show.

27:49Graham Norton: Yeah, so I must say, yeah, I go a lot less now. but so but I and I miss it you know it's kind of heartbreaking because I do but you know

27:58James Acaster: especially New York I love New York yeah yeah that's my favourite place to go a lot of the time in America is New York you find especially for food you find just great stuff everywhere yeah it's amazing

28:07Graham Norton: it really is and you know and you kind of think oh is London catching up and in ways London is catching up you know there's amazing food in London but somehow it seems more accessible in New York or just easier to find in New York it does and it feels so fancy and authentic. Do you know what I mean? First time I went to New York, I was looking around and even places that were probably terrible, I was looking at them going, I bet that's amazing. Yeah. Because we're in New York. And also, the other thing is like, here, if you hear about a great restaurant, you go, oh, that sounds fabulous. Where, oh.

28:42Graham Norton: That will take me an hour and 45 minutes to get to. Yeah. I'll need to eat again by the time I get home. So yeah, whereas, you know, New York is, you're there. Hop in a cab. Yeah. Yeah, do it. Go on.

28:57James Acaster: Have you had meals with big celebs in New York? The big Hollywood celebs? Dish the goss, Greg. Dish the goss. Have I eaten with fame?

29:06Graham Norton: Oh, do you know, I have.

29:08James Acaster: I have.

29:08Graham Norton: I did an animated film, animated voice. Soul. Brilliant in soul. Yes. Thank you very much. Well, so Tina Fey was the lead. Jamie Foxx also. But Jamie Foxx wasn't there. But Pete Docter, is that his name? The director. The director, yeah. And he had a dinner. You're very good at this. Yeah, he loves films, this guy. Okay. He had a dinner. And so it was me, the co-writer and co-director who worked with him, and Tina, her husband, Jeff, and Amy Poehler came because she's in Inside Out, which he also does. There's another Doctor joint. Another Doctor joint. This is my rap name. And it felt kind of, you know, he felt like a competition winner.

29:57James Acaster: You know, I felt like I should have bid for this at a charity auction. Yeah. But here I am. That's what I felt like I did a film, and I was like, Ghostbusters, I was like, exactly the... Frozen Empire. Ghostbusters, Frozen Empire. Yeah, I wasn't in... The original Ghostbusters. The original Ghostbusters. Could have been. We don't know. Yeah, yeah. but that's actually the phrase I used was competition winner I think when you're like a comedian and then you suddenly end up there with a bunch of people who have their whole life has been aiming towards doing exactly that and you just like accidentally sidestepped into it it does feel very competition winery and in the best way and also they talk to you

30:38Graham Norton: as if you've a right to be there which is so kind of them do you know what I mean they take you kind of seriously this is so kind of you by the way you know my name

30:52James Acaster: you actually smashed that film man you're great you smashed it out of the park the energy in that character it's very important like brilliant character thank you I have to say I really

31:05Graham Norton: enjoy doing it because they did direct me which was you know because I trained as an actor but you know anyway that ended badly and uh did it did it well hello father ted hello father ted's soul that's a pretty good CV isn't it I mean there's been some lean years in between yeah what have you been doing with yourself a lot of rep 30 years of regional rep dinner theatre

31:31James Acaster: yeah dinner theatre that kind of thing faulty towers the dinner show oh yeah you're very good in that

31:36Graham Norton: that's still going isn't it yeah somebody must go to it

31:39James Acaster: yeah I mean they're not doing it for no one it would be fun though if you did like imagine if like for a little while you just did Manuel in that and people went to that and they go is that Graham Lord is that Graham Lord so deep in character yeah so deep yeah have we talked about this before that what if you find out you just love the food

31:57Graham Norton: at Fawlty Towers the dinner experience or there's the Mamma Mia dinner experience what if that's your favourite food though and you're like but you hate the show yeah tastes delicious you're having a go that is some sort of definition of hell yeah that you're having to put up with that. Or you get somebody who offers you free food for life, but you've got to. A Fawlty Towers the Dining Experience black card. Don't tell him when you got this.

32:24James Acaster: Have they taken it? They've stopped the Nando's one, haven't they? I don't know. Well, I think originally it was this thing where they didn't want people to confirm that they existed. So it was this whole thing that you can't say that you've got one. So now I'm not sure. Now I think, had they really stopped them, or is this like they're even more exclusive now

32:44Graham Norton: they've gone

32:44James Acaster: we've got to go let's create a fake rumour that it's stopped yeah I don't know who to trust I'm so far underground now yeah

32:51Graham Norton: I feel like it has well also it's in their discretion you don't need a card if the manager knows you and thinks you're amazing they'll just comp your meal won't they yeah I mean hands up I had a black card for a bit did I use it very often absolutely not because when are you really going into a branch a Nando's very rarely and also guilt because you feel ridiculous why am I getting it you can afford one it's just quite cheap well also I'm finally at a point in my life where I can afford it yeah and now you're telling me I don't have to pay

33:22James Acaster: it's disgusting it should be that a Nando's it's like a random like a golden ticket thing that's a really good idea and people just get the you can go along everything fine with your meal yeah take the cock away put a black card there man I hope I win a black card no not you you can afford your meals but winning it did it expire? yeah they're a year oh okay

33:46Graham Norton: just in case your career tanks yeah exactly just in case you get cancelled oh no he doesn't got any near anymore

34:00Graham Norton: your dream main course Graham well now because you're obviously a big fan of main courses I'm let it's all a fish oh no I'm starter and main course he's all dessert oh you're all dessert yeah bread poppadoms and dessert yeah you're happy if I could survive on that and not die within a year that would be what I'll be eating all the time yeah I think you could you could it wouldn't be a nice life would it I'm not sure your gut health would be great but you'd live

34:25James Acaster: oh well that's that's giving me something to think about I didn't know I'd live poppadoms for breakfast

34:30Graham Norton: I would say poppadoms is probably your breakfast go to yeah yeah poppadoms for breakfast and then dessert for lunch and dinner yeah dream main course then Okay, I'm going with salmon. I'm going to have just a darn of salmon. A what? A darn? A darn. Is that... It's a new... Well, I don't know if it's a new word. Do you remember? You used to get salmon steak. Yeah, I did. You never see a salmon steak anymore. I've not seen that. Tuna steaks. I'm familiar with. Swordfish. Oh, yeah. Mind you, there's something bad about swordfish in there.

35:02James Acaster: Is there? Yeah, probably. Even with tuna, I think it's just like, yeah. Like, people shouldn't be... Oh, is it sustainability? Yeah, I think there's stuff too. Well, also there's the mercury poisoning in tuna as well. Right, okay.

35:12Graham Norton: So salmon, a darn is that funny little, you know, it's just a... A long bit? Yeah, a slice of it. It's got some skin on one side. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Like a fillet. It's like a fillet. Is it a fillet? Yeah. I've never heard darn before. Have you never heard darn? I've never heard darn. Is that an Irish thing? Yeah, it must be. I don't know. I mean, I never see it on a menu, but I see it in a supermarket. Darns of salmon. A supermarket? In Ireland? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That darn salmon. That could be your next animated feature, that darn salmon. That darn salmon. Swimming upstream. Desperate to spawn.

35:52Graham Norton: I'm surprised they haven't made that.

35:54James Acaster: Yeah, you'd think.

35:56Graham Norton: Finding Nemo did so well. Yeah. So, yeah. Salmon swimming upstream to achieve a goal. Yeah, and you could meet bears along the way. Or you could meet Daniel Boone. All sorts. Like a fisherman bad guy? Yes. Oh yeah, some industrial people. People are trying to farm salmon. Yeah, yeah. You could meet all the zombie farmed salmon. Oh yeah. We're living in a big thing.

36:19James Acaster: This is rights itself. Yeah. What are we doing here? This rights itself. Graham's done a lot of that. No, no, no, no, no.

36:27Graham Norton: You and the bad fishermen. We're fine. I love the idea of sitting in a writing room, letting everyone else do the work and go, this rights itself. this is incredible

36:38James Acaster: good job guys it writes this off keep on writing what do you want with your salmon how do you want it done just like pan fried I don't really care okay

36:48Graham Norton: yeah I'll eat it pan fried say pan fried oh sometimes it comes with a kind of little one of those yellow sauces like a hollandaise or a bernie's or something A's do you have an A's preference what's the one with tarragon in it? that's bernays I think or is it hollandaise? I think it's bernays I hear the sound of typing yeah I believe it's bernays I'm putting everything on bernays but then what's the one because two of them have green things in them right there's hollandaise is nothing in it no green

37:24James Acaster: just yellow

37:25Graham Norton: then there's two green ones one is tarragon and one is is it coriander or something? bernays is tarragon there is another one five points for a gamble thank you yeah well done no I've made it up yeah like darn of salmon yeah yeah it's my fantasy me you're in vernacular we're just I've got some knitted salmon we believe in all of it no Irish people will leave comments saying darn exists yes good yeah so darn of salmon with bernets are we going with yeah bernets so the yellow one with the green things in it and I'm not to go to sides yet though that's a that's a whole different feature yeah we'll get into that okay Please don't tread on the format.

38:04James Acaster: I respect the format. The format is king. When we asked you how you wanted it, you said you didn't care. I had flashbacks to when we had Robert De Niro on the pod and he just said he'll just have whatever's good for every course. Does that surprise you having interviewed him? No, it does not. We loved having him on and it was amazing to be in the presence of Robert De Niro, but he was not invested in the format.

38:28Graham Norton: No. What I would say about Robert De Niro is he's a very benign presence like his silence isn't an indicator of him hating the experience that's what apart from when Tom Hiddleston did an impression of him on your show even that he kind of went because Tom Hiddleston did an impression of him in it was him and Al Pacino whatever movie Heat and I remember after he finished Robert De Niro went oh that's actually one of my favourite scenes

38:59James Acaster: and I went is it still yes because I think Hiddleston had maybe it was the same episode literally just done a very good impression of you yeah no I mean I think

39:12Graham Norton: those clips of Tom Hiddleston doing impressions through the rounds I think it was all from one episode yeah I think he's only done impressions on the show once yeah but he did a lot of them

39:21James Acaster: yeah

39:22Graham Norton: so they've done

39:24James Acaster: they have done the rounds I think the one of you is so good that he clearly got a bit of wind in his sails and maybe didn't judge where he should go next as well as he could have. Because he absolutely nailed an impression of yours. Like, that is fucking good. And then he goes into a De Niro. In front of De Niro. I mean, you know, look, it's a ballsy thing to do.

39:46Graham Norton: It is. Yeah. And, you know, Robert De Niro wasn't talking, so... Yeah, absolutely. We needed to hear that voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good on him. but was he nice on here

40:00James Acaster: he was nice he was very nice he's a lovely man we were delighted that we had De Niro on the pod and to be honest I think we were doubly delighted that he just said he'll have whatever's good yeah

40:15Graham Norton: your dream side dish now see you talked about soda bread and Kerrygold earlier I am going full potato yeah really I've ordered this because it comes with mash great Fantastic. So really, the mash is the main and the sandwich is the side. Often, I will order whatever comes with the mash. Yeah, yeah. I love that. I'll often order a main course based on what's with it. Yeah. Because those are the things. It's delicious. It's very hard to make bad mash. I'm sure you can. You really can. Yeah, some people can. Yeah, you really can. In a restaurant? Oh, in a restaurant? No, probably not. Home mash is bad stuff.

40:56Graham Norton: Oh, yes. But you can, if you don't cook your potatoes properly or something like that. Yeah, or the way you mash it, if you're, you know, over-mashing, it can go gluey. Oh, yes. That's why in restaurants now, they use the big ricer, don't they, a lot of the time? Yes, they do. And that stops it becoming gluey, and then you can just sort of mix in all of the butter. I feel my home mash is often a bit gluey. Yeah. And it's because I got really bored of trying to wash the small, like the mashers, the small mashers. Yeah. So I've just got one of those. you know remember you used to have that game where you had to you know not make the electric noise as in put it I've got a masher that looks like that so it's just like one squiggle it's just one squiggle yeah you ain't mashing anything with that really yeah so yeah but washing up's really easy yeah swings and roundabouts yeah you're laughing when it comes to washing up yeah I really am I don't wash anything up because it's full of bread on the draining board so oh yeah

41:49James Acaster: you can't wash anything up very tricky yeah yeah when we talked about your show earlier here's one of my favourite parts about watching your show is we get to see massive Hollywood stars sitting on a sofa with one of our friends and my favourite two moments of that I know what you're going to say do you know what he's at to? well I know Ruffalo and Josh Widdicom Ruffalo calling Josh Widdicom a paedophile

42:14Graham Norton: how was that broadcast? how was that ever okay? but it was funny yeah really funny

42:21James Acaster: absolutely great we bring it up at least once a year to Josh remember when the Hulk called you a pedo really good just absolutely goes for him two footed out of nowhere nothing to deserve it

42:33Graham Norton: and I feel like that wasn't the only thing like he really he went for him for the whole show it was like it was like a kind of a roast it was I wonder did Ruffalo mistake did they think they'd had an encounter before maybe well I think it's just something about Josh it was just like it seems like he's weak I can go after him

42:53James Acaster: yeah Renner's there as well Renner's a bit Larry Jeremy Renner's there I think Ruffalo's is showing off to Renner

43:00Graham Norton: you're probably right you know he must be a tough guy

43:03James Acaster: lads and the other one we used to watch this quite a lot every now and again we'd watch it like Nish would put this on to watch it with people because it brings him so much joy is Greg Davis telling his school story while Ryan Gosling laughs like uncontrollably for the whole thing And is June Brown there as well? Is that that one? She's been on with Greg, definitely. Has she? Yeah, I think so. Or maybe that's just... June Brown was on with Lady Gaga. That I do know. Maybe that's... It's one of the other real Motley Crue lineups. Yeah, it was very Motley Crue.

43:38Graham Norton: And that one, I think, Greg doing that story for Ryan is amazing. And there's another one where Lee Mack tells a story and John Cleese, who I think it's quite hard to make him laugh, and he really, really, really laughs. It's a really funny story. The bad one. Yeah, it's a very good story.

44:01James Acaster: It's a very good story.

44:02Graham Norton: And I do believe it.

44:04James Acaster: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it's true. Yeah. Yeah, and if it's not true, then it's like, I like the fact that he's made a thing. Yeah, he's absolutely taken us in. Was there any other sort of questions over the thing of getting everyone out at the same time? when the show started. Did anyone say maybe we shouldn't do that?

44:22Graham Norton: I'm sure people resisted it. Yeah. I'm sure people resisted it, like publicists and things. So I don't quite know how we got around it. We just stuck to our guns, I think. It just worked so well straight away. Yeah. I mean, you're out there for quite a long time. Like, you haven't done the show, but you've done the show. No, no. I thought you'd done the show. No, I've not. Hey, Graham, I've not done the show. No, I know you've not done the show. But. But you have done the show. No, I have not done the show. But this is weird. so I've only met you very briefly once before oh here we go so I I did a show this was probably about 10 years ago I did a show called Almost Royal for BBC America was that you?

44:57that was me

44:57Graham Norton: oh my god yeah yeah you have done the show so I have technically done the show but we did it in the day before anyone else came in oh my god yeah and then it was spliced into the American broadcast yeah yeah yeah you pranked Graham? no no no Graham was in on it yeah Graham was in on it was there an audience? no there wasn't an audience no there was no it was literally on the day and I remember it was like a very chaotic day for everyone. So I think everyone was annoyed that we were doing it that day because I think a guest had cancelled. So there was like this mad rush of trying to sort things out.

45:26Graham Norton: That's hilarious. That was you. Yeah, that was me. That was me and Amy Hoggart. So we had people, we also had people pretending

45:32James Acaster: to be William and Kate. That was... You're now thinking that was Ed. No, no.

45:37Graham Norton: I was saying it to you, I was thinking, they wouldn't have cast you as William. Yeah. And then we also did one with Nicholas Galatine for a movie he did with Anne Hathaway. Oh, yes. And the end, he's on the show. Oh, right, yeah. And it's fake, but we did do it in front of an audience. And you could see the audience thinking, oh, but this is indistinguishable from the thing we just watched. It's as if Graham didn't mean any of it.

46:14Graham Norton: well i think we let too much light in on the magic yeah it's all bullshit yeah no that was a very that was a mad experience for us to come in and like pretend like we were on the show but then it actually went into the american broadcast of the show because it's bbc america oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah you are out there for quite a long time you're out there for like an hour and a half yeah yeah but you know but then there's music and often the music is twice so you know you're not talking for an hour and a half yeah But for those Americans who are used to coming out and doing their eight-minute segment or an 11-minute segment, you know, they're like, really?

46:47Graham Norton: Well, I'm still here. And again, you were saying about being briefed. You know, you feel like people are fully briefed and then, sorry, I thought. Do I go now? No. No. You stay. Quite a long time.

47:04James Acaster: Your dream drink, Graham. Oh, well, I've been drinking it.

47:09Graham Norton: So we've had a couple of martinis, but do you have another dream drink that you'd like to have? I'll have some white wine. Lovely. I'll have some New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is my white wine of choice. Fantastic. Yeah. How long has that been the case for? Quite a long time now. Like when I got to London first in the 80s, that was when the Australian Chardonnay was king. And then, isn't it weird how we just all decided we didn't like them anymore?

47:34James Acaster: Like en masse.

47:36Graham Norton: Yeah. it's like remember it was like when gin became really popular yeah we'd all been drinking vodka and then we were told no gin you're drinking gin now oh yeah there's a thousand gin distilleries everywhere I like gin now and it's it's weird how marketing can change what's going on in your mouth totally and it's all it's all marketing as well isn't it well it is weird you know I didn't like that or I did like that now now you've told me my taste buds were very wrong all along and I shouldn't like it anymore. Do you think that will ever happen to New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc? I mean, it's been going for a long time, that whole New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc thing.

48:17Graham Norton: But it could do, you know, fashions change. And it's weird now how things are happening. There's a, have you come across the jalapeno white wine? No. No. Oh, apparently, what do I know? It started on TikTok. people putting jalapenos into their white wine. Okay. And I had some last night, and it is a very weird experience. Because it's not hot, hot. It doesn't burn. But there's a definite kind of a zing at the end. The aftertaste is very... Yeah, you know something hot's been in there.

48:59James Acaster: Yeah, because a few days ago, I had a jalapeno martini. and that was nice and like you say it wasn't I thought is this going to be a mistake it's going to be really hot and spicy but it's actually just like just a nice different flavour to having a martini it was quite good

49:15Graham Norton: but did they have a little kind of a little buzz

49:16James Acaster: at the end yeah there was a little something yeah I imagine that could work in a white wine I'm not against that

49:22Graham Norton: I for me

49:24James Acaster: personally

49:25Graham Norton: I don't I'm not drinking white wine thinking if only this tasted of jalapenos I I feel I don't quite get it. But I had it last night with my husband, and he loved it. He thought it was really nice. Oh, there you go. That means there's going to be jalapenos in the house all the time now.

49:45James Acaster: He's regularly in jalapenos thinking, if only this tasted like white wine. So, like, it works for him. That's probably the perfect match. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this New Zealand white wine is your dream drink. You've already got the martinis coming throughout the meal when you want them. Yeah, yeah. I'll only do two. Two martinis, I think, is enough. right? Yeah. We've had some bad nights on martinis where we've gone over the two. Well, you get giddy, don't you? Yeah. And you think, I can drink these.

50:08Graham Norton: Yeah. And it turns out you can't. Yeah, they're clear. They must be all right. Yeah. And also because you feel okay after two. Yeah. You kind of think, wow, yeah, it's okay. Yeah. I could cut wood at a sawmill. I'm fine. But, yeah, after three, you're using a hand. It's when you, if you have two or three and then you've not gone to the toilet in wherever you are yet and then you stand up and your legs go and you're like, oh, I should have thought about this. This has gone badly wrong. Yeah, I may be leaving my bike here.

50:37James Acaster: We've talked about trying to get into Dukes quite a lot on this podcast to have their martinis, but they only let you have one and all this.

50:45Graham Norton: Do they only let you have one?

50:46James Acaster: Two, I think it's two. Yes, I think I've had two in there. Well, see, we've never been. Yeah. How come? Well, we aspire to, but it's never really worked out. We've had a few guests say, oh, I'll go with you. No, obviously they never. I'm sure you would. We've been let down by a couple of previous guests. They never actually follow through and do it.

51:01Graham Norton: Can I just say, this is me now committing to never going to Duke's again. I'd leave it that way. Yeah. I feel like the dream, the dream of what's going on in there, really, it's a bit like just a provincial hotel. It's just some overstuffed sofas and some tourists. But it's a good martini. It's a perfectly nice martini. But I feel like they're riding high on when you couldn't get a good martini. Right, okay. I think now you can get a good martini most places. Well, shout out to the Connacht, which is my favourite martini. Well, now you've just pulled on your pants and shat all over. Poor old Dukes.

51:41Graham Norton: We're over here with some brocade curtains. Yeah, yeah.

51:45James Acaster: We did a live show recently and there were two gentlemen in the audience wearing suits and Ed completely went for them. It was like, you two suit motherfuckers. What are you wearing suits for? James went for them. I didn't go for them. You started on them. Well, the problem is one of them said that they don't normally wear suits. they tried to go to Duke's for a martini so they're like we don't normally wear suits and one of the guys went I'm you know I'm a creative and then James found out he worked for Apple and then that was the whole show absolutely over it was still food based yeah yeah yeah we should have that would have been a nicer direction to lead in what do you mean we should have I didn't I stood back and watched you absolutely decimate a whole man's life

52:22Graham Norton: and also bless them they were obviously proper fans yeah yeah he's making it out second row of the Albert Hall all I've said was you said if he if he as a kid met himself now and found out what he did he would spit on him is what you said yeah oh that's nice I'm sure he found that funny his mate loved it imagine him telling friends after and then James said this thing to me James said so funny

52:50James Acaster: and I was wearing a suit and we didn't get into the place we wanted to go to James says that he believes that when I was a child I was creative and do drawings but if that younger self met me now he'd spit on me You told me it wasn't a creative. Funny comedy show, Graham. Yeah, very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we didn't get into jokes.

53:10James Acaster: Your dream dessert. See, yeah, we could never hang out

53:15Graham Norton: because you're just eating poppadoms and dessert. Yeah. Like, why? I'm not that fun. I mean, if I'm on a plane, I'll have dessert. Interesting. Well, just because I paid for it and it might crash. so so when you're on a plane are you constantly I'm having it all I'm having it all but you're always thinking we might crash yes I mean well you know you'll kind of think well I'll regret you know if we're plummeting from the sky I'll regret not having the tiramisu if you started plummeting as I would lunge

53:48James Acaster: lunge for the dessert trolley but if it was in front of you would you eat the tiramisu as you were plummeting

53:53Graham Norton: I mean I'd try yeah I'd go yeah I mean you would wouldn't you it's better to die with a mouthful of tiramisu than not the old phrase I think you'll be fine

54:06James Acaster: there'll be people doing much worse things

54:07Graham Norton: oh yeah you won't be eating the tiramisu and also I'll probably finish my tiramisu by the time we crash yeah yeah yeah exactly I probably would go tiramisu if I'm doing dessert

54:19James Acaster: but from a plane? the plane tiramisu?

54:22Graham Norton: I prefer not to plummet through the skies and die in a fiery ball. Yeah, while people around you are whacking it.

54:29James Acaster: What? Whoa, Ed! Ed! No need to go there. What the hell?

54:37Graham Norton: Yeah, apologies. We've got a national treasure on the podcast. And also, I think it's very hard to focus your mind if you're plummeting to your death.

54:45James Acaster: You'd have to be turned on by death. By death. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

54:50Graham Norton: And also, what a way to discover that's your cake.

54:53James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Oh, I found it. Finally.

54:56Graham Norton: I found my thing. My life makes sense.

55:01James Acaster: Okay, so we're going to Tiramisu. I'm a bit disappointed that it's not from an airplane, because I would quite like it if you had an airplane. Oh, I see.

55:08Graham Norton: Oh, it could be just a catering company could deliver it to the restaurant.

55:11James Acaster: Yeah, you don't have to die at the end, but I could give you an airplane in Tiramisu.

55:16Graham Norton: Honestly, if the whole meal came from airplane, I'd be happy. Yeah. I love airplane food. What cabin are we talking? now I do throw money at the problem but you get the little cutlery wherever you are and that's the pleasure it's the tiny little I mean I don't know if you fly nice but if you fly nice I would think there's a napkin and in there there seems to be an inordinate amount of knives and knives I mean so many of them I'm pretty sure I just ordered one I don't know why all this cutlery's in here. Everywhere, it goes everywhere. It just, I feel like whoever wraps those things has never eaten.

56:00Graham Norton: Yeah. They don't know what cutlery is. How many hands do humans have? Yeah. What are they for? I don't know. Do you have some? Have some. I love the, I think about all the time the, if you fly on Virgin, the salt and pepper pots that are like little planes. Yeah, they're adorable. I love those. Really? Yeah. I've never seen these. Have you not? No. Have you flown on Virgin before? I think so. Yeah. Salt and pepper pots are little planes. Do they still do them? Because I know. because everyone stole them, I think. But no, I think they're made of plastic. I think you can steal them. Oh, because before they used to be nice, they used to be like metal, and everyone stole those.

56:31Graham Norton: They just wiped the whole caroline off them. So people who have got those are pretty pleased themselves. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, oh yeah. They're putting them out on the dining room table. Yeah, yeah. Yes, I have flown up again. My friend stole an EasyJet jacket once. How? We were flying back from somewhere, and in the overhead bin, there was obviously like a jacket, you know, a crew member. That is proper kleptom. Yeah, and literally just took the jacket and then wore it to the pub the next night. It was pretty cool, actually. Was it? We were like 16 or something. It was cool. It was pretty cool to wear an EasyJet jacket to the Wetherspoons.

57:10God. I remember doing another corporate,

57:13Graham Norton: some travel awards something and they were talking about, and EasyJet donate their old uniforms to Africa, which seems like a map, like, because they're nylon. I mean, like, it seems cruel to make people walk around in orange nylon. But I've got to go to that village. I think you'll know when you're there. Is this it? Yes, it is. This is it.

57:44James Acaster: I'd love to get lost in that village and ask someone for directions. They tell me where the exits are. Yes, please. What's the best thing you've ever stolen, Graham?

57:53Graham Norton: Ooh, good question. I mean, when I was a kid, I remember shoplifting a kind of, I don't know what it was, whether it was a glove puppet or something. It was made of kind of fun fur, and googly eyes. And I was delighted with myself. And then, but I had to then reveal it, you know, at some point at home. and my story of I found it did not fly. No. It was very long. No. And so I was frog marched back to the shop. Yeah. And had to give it back.

58:26James Acaster: Oh, that's embarrassing. Our friend's... Oh, humiliating. Our friend's daughter recently, like little kids, asked for a badge in a shop and he said, no, you can't have the badge. I'm not buying you the badge. And then the next day, she's walking around wearing the badge and he went, where'd you get that badge from? She said, oh, my friend gave it to me. He said, what friend? and she went, I don't remember.

58:48Graham Norton: I thought you were going to say, you bought it for me. You're losing your mind. But I love the not thinking two steps ahead and going, my friend, and then going, I don't remember what friend it was. I don't know their name. So good. Did she get to keep it? No, he took it back to the shop, I think. You can't then let the kid keep it, I don't think. You've got to show them that stealing's wrong and it goes back to the shop, right? You're so old-fashioned. I guess. get with the program

59:18James Acaster: I mean I I'd like my dad was really see I never would have stolen anything but like he said to me once when I was going to go and buy Christmas presents for the first time make sure you buy people don't buy anything for yourself it's Christmas so I went out I was buying stuff for people I'm about seven I saw there was a Noasis single out who were an Oasis tribute Noasis yeah Noasis I really wanted it so I bought it for myself I had to snuck it in made sure he couldn't see it and then this sneaky fucker looked at the receipt which was like in one of the bags because he knew what you were going to do he calls me in what's this I was like huh I think he got me first with the whole yeah you didn't buy anything for yourself did you oh no oh you walked right into it I didn't buy everyone myself what are you talking about it's Christmas what's this then and then And apparently, I don't remember this, but my reaction was, I just went, oh, what have I done?

1:00:20James Acaster: Like really remorseful in front of him. Oh, what have I done? Oh, what have I done? And I told him, I told him I would give anything to take it back. So dramatic. So he went, all right, well, if you want, you just give it to me and you don't have it anymore.

1:00:36Graham Norton: I handed it over. Did he bring it back to the shop or anything?

1:00:40James Acaster: No, it's my birthday in January. I unwrapped it he was like there you go I was like hmm doesn't feel great doesn't feel like a treat yeah particularly because you bought it

1:00:53Graham Norton: I bought this

1:00:54James Acaster: I've paid for this man yeah you stopped me from listening to it for a month that's all kind of over noasis now yeah yeah they were a bit of a flash in the pan noasis I'm amazed they actually did a single yeah yeah I'm amazed they didn't try and capitalise on the on the reunions for a union. Oh, yeah. You'd think no aces would go. Still no aces. Yeah, yeah. We've got to do it. I don't need to make you back to you now. See how you feel about it. Graham looks really worried about this part.

1:01:21Graham Norton: Yeah. No, I'm looking forward to it.

1:01:23James Acaster: Yeah. You want sparkling water and you're like a dirty wet martini at the same time. Pop it on some bread. Another dirty wet martini. Starter. Avocado lettuce cups from ABCB in New York. Main course. A pan fried darn of salmon with Bernays sauce. Side dish. Mashed potato. drink New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc and dessert a tiramisu delicious yeah that does sound very nice and feels classic as well like it's not try hard no no not at all and it feels like it feels like you'd eat it in like a classic looking New York restaurant apart from the dessert which you'd eat on a plane yeah

1:01:59Graham Norton: no I'll eat it in the restaurant it can be on it can be on one of the little trays yes yeah yeah and if the waiter could go out back and change into a uniform I'd be delighted yeah absolutely yeah an easy jar uniform No. No, good, because he'd be taking that away from an African family. Yeah.

1:02:17James Acaster: I want to try the lettuce cups the most. Yes, they sound delicious. Because I can't really imagine what they would be. Yeah, like you were saying, they're so much better than they even sound. And I've kind of cracked them. I can kind of make them now. So what do you put in them to make them?

1:02:30Graham Norton: It's toasted cumin seeds. Oh, nice. That's good. Is the bit that is... Because you know when you're eating something, you're going to think, what is that lovely taste? What is that lovely taste? and I finally figured it out. That's what it is. Yeah. It's been years of eating them. I love that you've left that until the end as a little reveal just right at the end. You didn't give us the secret when you were talking about it. You didn't ask. If people listen to the podcast,

1:02:52James Acaster: there's always a secret gets revealed. We didn't ask, James. This is the thing. It's good to pick up little tips from Graham. We forgot to ask. We should ask the questions we want the answers to. What makes them so delicious? Yeah. If we want to find out something, we'll be the question. Because we never learn that if we want an answer to something, we forget to ask it and there's two of us yeah

1:03:12Graham Norton: well that I have to say that is I think it's good doing this with two people yes because then it's never your fault yeah it's always Benito's fault it's always Benito's fault yeah it's no one's fault consistently well this has been no one's fault Graham thank you so much hopefully we don't apologise no one's to blame next episode by the way we're going to start just getting all the guests in at the same time so we're going to have three or four people on the sofa together. Good luck in this room. Yeah, massive whiny. You may have to knock through. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Graham.

1:03:48It was a pleasure. Thank you very much. Thank you, Graham.

1:03:54Well, there we are, James. Graham Norton.

1:03:56James Acaster: What a joy it was to have him on the show. Such a pleasure to have Graham Norton on the show. There are some moments, and we love all our guests, but there are some moments where you go, wow what a what another name to add to the the old CV you nearly said notch on the bedpost though didn't you Graham Norton is not a notch on the bedpost a notch on the mic stand let me be clear a notch on the mic stand I didn't put a little notch but that's a good that's a good phrase for us notch on the bedpost is that because when someone they've slept with someone they they put a notch on the bedpost or is it because the bed is hitting the wall I don't think it's that because that would suggest it hits the wall once no a few times to eventually make a notch depends how personally I like to go one big enough to make a notch done

1:04:50James Acaster: you fuss so hard that the bed hits that makes a notch and they orgasm all at once no I do you do come on sure you can only control it's over when I'm over yeah yeah Yeah, there's only so much that's in your control, I guess. You can't be held to account. No, and don't hold me to account on that. No. Graham did not say Golden Grahams. Surprise, surprise. Yeah. No, that's not him. Oh, sorry. We should get her on the pod. No. No longer with us. The Neighbourhood starts Friday 24th of April, 9pm on ITV1 and ITVX, and the series debuts with a three episode launch on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So make sure you watch that.

1:05:38And listen to Wangin' On. Listen to Wangin' On. Fantastic podcast. A delight to have Graham in the studio and I'm going on tour. I've got a new show called Fresh Hell touring from the end of January next year.

1:05:49James Acaster: Tickets on sale now at edgamble.co.uk. I'm currently on tour with my show James Acaster. Yeah. And there are some shows that have tickets available. So please, jamesacaster.co.uk or.com. I don't know my own website no well I'm not going on it yeah and why would I do that but jamesaycastle.com is actually where you should go for tickets he got the.com he bagged the.com guys yeah I'm pretty pleased with that actually yeah well James thank you for being my friend for another week thank you for being my friend Ed who knows when we started but you got a new friendship now with Benito Benito starting now so that's good starting now it's been about six minutes so far yeah it's going pretty well so far I think for the two of you.

1:06:32James Acaster: See you later, guys. See you later, guys.