Greg James

0:00James Acaster: It's James Acaster. I have an announcement to make. Cinema Goers Welcome is out on March 6th in cinemas nationwide. It's my Heckler's Welcome show, but filmed in three different locations, Truro, Dublin and Northampton. And it's all stuff that wasn't part of the actual Heckler's Welcome special. Some of it's the same material, but in a different location, going differently, being heckled differently and under different circumstances. So there's the special that is on HBO and Sky, and there is this Cinema Goers Welcome companion piece. Anyway, March 6th, Cinema Goers Welcome in cinemas. Enjoy the podcast, Off Menu.

0:47you.

0:55Greg James: Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the Mars ice cream out of the freezer of humour, leaving it on the kitchen side of friendship, unwrapping it, tucking in for a lovely podcast ice cream bar, James.

1:09James Acaster: The perfect way to enjoy... We're not advertising them. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest and ask them their favourite ever start and make a dessert, side dish and drink, I believe. I believe it's... Not in that order. No. And this week, our guest is... Greg James.

1:27Greg James: Greg James, of course. The host of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show, James. Yeah. A consummate broadcaster, a wonderful man, handsome as you like. and definitely destined to be a national treasure. Oh, he's well on his way to national treasure states.

1:42James Acaster: You know, a young man, but you can already tell he's going to go down in history as one of our most cherished broadcasters.

1:48Greg James: Absolutely. Very much looking forward to speaking to Greg about his dream menu. I'm a big fan of Greg's. He's also got a book out, James. He has. All the best for the future, it's called.

1:58James Acaster: Growing up without growing old. Yes. It looks great. It looks absolutely fantastic. Stories from Greg's life. Yes. and he's going on a book tour

2:07Greg James: I believe he's on the book tour currently and if you live in Glasgow or Leeds you still have a chance to go but you've got to be to see the Glasgow show if you're listening to this on the day it comes out it is tonight so if there are any tickets remaining you should go but if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed he's out of here sorry and today the secret ingredient for Greg James is run a duck run a duck because of the long boy saga long boy was a duck that Greg was obsessed with. A lot of people were. Loved Longboy. Loved Longboy the duck who was at York University. Used to live on the grounds of York University.

2:43Greg James: It went missing, presumed dead. Then I ate Runner Duck on Great British Menu and Greg decided I'd eaten Longboy and there was a huge scandal. That might come up on the podcast.

2:52James Acaster: Might come up if we talk about it. Yeah. We don't check him out but if he chooses Runner Duck it's on the menu.

2:58Greg James: Which would be hypocritical beyond belief. It'd be insane.

3:02James Acaster: Yeah. If Greg ate Runner Duck and wasn't just thinking about long boy the whole time and feeling bad. You might as well be eating long boy. Yes, exactly.

3:09Greg James: So, he might say it, he might not. I'm going to say hopefully he doesn't say it, but it'd be funny to kick Greg out. Especially for that deserved. Yeah, absolutely deserved. It would be deserved,

3:16James Acaster: but I think anyone would be against that.

3:18Greg James: This is the Off Menu Menu of Greg James.

3:27Greg James: Welcome, Greg, to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks so much.

3:31Ed Gamble: Welcome, Greg James, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Well, it's very difficult to get a table. Yes. It's a real pleasure to be here. Just to pull some strings to get a table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just drop the name. Yeah. Drop the name. Your own name. No.

3:48James Acaster: No, no, no, no, no.

3:50Ed Gamble: But I walked into this room and I said to James, do people go, oh, God, it's different in real life. It's nice in there. And he went, no. No.

3:59James Acaster: No. Greg said, you must get this a lot, but it's crazy seeing this for the first time I was like Greg Norman's ever said that why not these ungrateful bastards yeah I know

4:10Ed Gamble: I guess because I'm looking at the audio setup oh yeah of course because you're a camera you're an audio nerd

4:15Greg James: I'm an audio guy because you spend pretty much every day of your life in a radio studio that is true yeah when you go into other studios you must be like this is different I think I've done radio

4:24Ed Gamble: for longer than I haven't wow but I guess you have

4:27James Acaster: with comedy right because when did you start doing sort of when I was 23 so yeah I'm not there yet. I've been doing 17 years. Yeah, I'm not there yet. We look good on it. Thank you. Yeah, great. Thank you, Greg. Yeah, I'm not there yet. I'm growing up. Without growing old, you could say.

4:41Greg James: Hey, that's good. That's good. That's the subtitle of your book. It's the subtitle.

4:46James Acaster: Yeah, it's the subtitle. I wasn't going to get All the Best for the Future in there early on. Yeah, you

4:50Greg James: can't say that as the first thing you say to someone.

4:52James Acaster: Anyway, All the Best for the Future, Greg. Thank you.

4:54Ed Gamble: Well, All the Best for the Future to you both. Yeah. You've done a book. I have. It's called All the Best for the Future. Do you know who came up with the title? Go on. Paul and Barry Chuckle.

5:05Greg James: I'm reading a little blurb and I did know that and I think it's probably the funniest starting point for a book that I've ever read. Please, tell the story.

5:13Ed Gamble: Well, I don't know what your Chuckle Brothers sort of cultural touch points are. Were you into them? Did you rush home and watch Chuckle Vision? Constantly love them, still think about them to this day. Yeah. But I think that set us all, a certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh maybe you could just mess around forever and just do that sort of job and do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking well not specifically the narrative of the show oh okay yeah yeah not the actual stories in the show let's talk about the actual people I'm not talking about the actual people I'm not talking about their personas I'm talking about the real people because you know that boss was an actor

5:53Greg James: yeah and do you know who the boss was? I don't know their half brother so there were two people who were always the boss Mr No Slacking and I think I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there. Mr. No Slacking. Mr. No Slacking. The half brothers are the Chuckle Brothers. They were both their half brothers. Yes. And the catchphrase was? No Slacking.

6:09James Acaster: No Slacking. And they were the half Chuckle Brothers. Yeah.

6:13Greg James: It's like a showbiz family. Half Chuckle. Yeah. Nearly there. Yeah. You nearly got it. Titter.

6:18James Acaster: Yeah. I'd watch a set of show, a spin-off show that's called The Half Chuckle Brothers. Yeah. And this is the two half brothers. Yeah. Knocking around.

6:26Ed Gamble: So him and Barry, when I was 10, I went to go and see the Chocopros with my nan at Weymouth Pavilion. Amazing. Great venue. Yeah. Have you done stand-up there? Once. Yeah. It's a great venue. Ben Elton was in the main room. Oh, really? Okay. Good luck to him. One day you'll go there. All the best for the future. All your best for the future and your quest of the main room at Weymouth Pavilion. It was a signing. They did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and he wrote, to Gregory all the best for the future. Which I was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit you know with all the other kids being like oh my god it's the guys off the telly this is the these are the best guys and when we walked away and my nan was like let's have a look at that she'd see that and go why did they write all the best for the future that's just strange thing to say to a kid but it is quite strange but i quite like i like that they wrote that and i've always remembered it and i just thought that's quite a good starting point for the book so i start as a 10 10 year old me yeah and i sort of imagine what my future life could be like so it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and sort of gripes about the world and a reminder, hopefully, to stay true to your 10-year-old self.

7:35Ed Gamble: Because probably the stuff you love when you were 10 is probably the stuff you've kind of liked now. Yeah.

7:39James Acaster: To a certain extent? To a certain extent. Chugger Brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll watch it after when I get home after this. I mean, look, you know, definitely I've made a living off of coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream. There you go. That was me as a 10-year-old. It's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense. Yeah. You still love wrestling?

7:58Greg James: Still love wrestling. Yeah, exactly. I'm regressing, basically. I think that's fine.

8:02Ed Gamble: I think you can regress as you get older, but you've just got... Because maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well. Yeah.

8:08Greg James: As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well. You do have to do both. You've got to do the taxes and watch Chuckle Brothers.

8:13Ed Gamble: Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart. Yeah. And then you are just sat home

8:16Greg James: watching Chuckle Brothers. Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother because within the script of the show, their taxes no no way that feels like

8:26Ed Gamble: a sort of after hours sort of grown up version of it where they didn't it's like an HMRC infomercial it's like

8:32Greg James: it's January 30th it's 5 to midnight and they're just pushing the HMRC from one to the other going to me to you and then they would get investigated

8:41James Acaster: at some point and they'd sit down with them and go okay listen you've had a series of jobs each lasting less than a day from what we can see do you want to explain this one at the marble factory how were you paid

8:58Greg James: it is cash in hand isn't it right it's got to be cash in hand

9:01James Acaster: it's repeatedly one of two bosses can you explain that and they're your brothers multiple jobs you have about 365 jobs a year two bosses who are in all these businesses we were investigating them as well you better believe that we are don't look at him

9:19Ed Gamble: answer the question put the ladder down yeah clean the windows in a minute this is serious

9:27Greg James: stop saying oh no

9:30Ed Gamble: be careful of that bucket of slime

9:33James Acaster: okay when you're telling that story as someone you must now sign autographs for people I do you're going to be signing books going to book signings all the best, fair enough all the best for the future not only is it weird for me to say to a kid I'd say if you're doing loads of sign-ins I would just write all the best it's a long thing to write I wouldn't want to double my word count there all the best for the future which maybe shows that they really did care

10:02Ed Gamble: well I guess so I interviewed Paul there's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book it's quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years and I said why did you do this for all the kids and he went no I don't know why I'd even say that and I went what do you think he went well he must have said something he blamed me and I said well maybe I said maybe I want to be like be on telly one day or like so I think that's maybe what it was because he said he would normally just do to me to you of course so I don't know I think it might be a one of one I think it's unique this is incredible yeah it might be anyone reached out since the no could just be you all the best for the future I think it's it yeah I think it might be well look this is it if there is somebody who's also got an all the best for the future let's chat

10:50Greg James: are you going to be

10:52Ed Gamble: signing it then when you're doing these book signings I think I'm going to have to you have to

10:55Greg James: I think there's so many when you're signing books can you just write C cover

10:59Ed Gamble: well some of them you get a yeah greeting on the front yeah yeah yeah but you have to do quite a few pre-signed ones yeah just when they send you the pages first five you're just like thanks for buying that book love you all the best for the future seventh onwards it's just G kiss yeah yeah I do mean them all I mean it I mean every single one G kiss G kiss who was it

11:25Greg James: he got in trouble recently for the sign book was literally just they put a dot in him it was just like just a dot yeah it was like they got obviously they had to do thousands and then they're literally just doing like a dash or a dot yeah

11:38Ed Gamble: there's something nice about it because it's been handled by the star though isn't it even that book even though it's a dot from Bob Dylan it's been handled by him yeah

11:48James Acaster: Dylan's that level where I would accept it if it was just a dot you're not accepting a dot from me and you shouldn't yeah

11:54Greg James: Bob Dylan Bob Dylan I don't know if it was him but the way he does his songs now is basically a dot version of the songs it is

12:02Ed Gamble: I took my dad to see Bob Dylan at the Albert Hall yeah my dad's got quite bad sight which was good because Bob Dylan was basically standing in the dark yeah my dad was going what's he doing now even I don't know I'm not sure and so he sort of shuffles around like it's you're just watching them jamming he doesn't even say hello he doesn't even address the crowd which I really respect because it's you know a lot of it is hey guys everyone's together get your hands in the air but Bob's like I actually would rather you all just fucked up and just leave us to it really but thanks for your 250 quid yeah Bob Dylan

12:44Greg James: I'm not buying that from him if he came out and went guys were all together it's amazing how you feeling it's like come on

12:49Ed Gamble: it's not Chris Martin get your wristbands up let's go I even buy it from him really

12:55James Acaster: when Chris Martin's doing all that I'm like pull the other one you don't give a shit do you think yeah I'm like shut up is the truth somewhere

13:03Ed Gamble: between Bob and Chris yeah

13:05James Acaster: I think you know they do appreciate being there but also they're at work

13:10Ed Gamble: yeah

13:12James Acaster: and actually why they really got into the industry is because of their love of playing music so they'd rather just get on with that not shout out to everyone look around you and how amazing this is and we're all here Chris Martin absolutely if he ever comes on this podcast I'll say it you say it to his face

13:29Ed Gamble: I'll say it to his face well there's a thing where you do a stadium show you get to that level and it's basically the same show every night and there's a bit in the Taylor Swift show where she cries but it looked like I wonder if she cried every night almost certainly that's the thing on the autocue this is the bit I turn the waterworks on because this is the bit I saw it at Glastonbury with Dolly Parton I was watching it from the side of stage and she was she has like a teleprompter with her anecdotes and stuff oh yeah I think they're amazing yeah but she makes it sound

14:02James Acaster: real it's great there's a clip of Brian Wilson obviously yeah fair enough in his later days he was just having it all on the teleprompter autocue thing. And there's a bit on one of the live recordings and he's clearly reading it. And he goes, between songs, goes, woo! And then dead serious. And then woo! It's written on the thing to say woo. And he does it for the whole time it's on the screen and then he pauses and waits seriously and then does it again.

14:34Ed Gamble: Like a little karaoke ball on each word.

14:36James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. the words are being coloured in as it goes along and he's like right cool and now I'm doing

14:41Ed Gamble: God Only Knows yeah but by that point I guess it sort of does become karaoke yeah for those legendary artists they are just doing karaoke and worse versions yeah exactly it sounds like a midi file

14:52James Acaster: yeah I bet everyone I bet Taylor Swift does do that cry every night at the same time and I bet everyone who's part of her crew and work on that show absolutely hates her for it for that one bit they might like

15:03Greg James: one but Taylor Swift a lot of the things you said in the last 10 minutes are saying more about you than they are about...

15:08James Acaster: Listen, if I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, fucking sociopath. Look at this absolute sociopath we're working for. She's crying fake every night, but she can make herself do it to all these people. I remember earlier on when she just told you to get her a coffee. Remember that shit?

15:23Ed Gamble: Right. But you're imagining you working on a Taylor Swift stadium, shall I? Yeah, and I'd be annoyed because I'd be like... But you're not passing the vetting process. Yeah, you're not getting that job because you're out of shit. You're not getting that job.

15:36Greg James: I'd say he's more likely to get a job on the Taylor Swift Stadium show is the Chuckle Brothers.

15:41Ed Gamble: Excuse me. Do not let them hang those lights up. They are killing crowd members. That's it.

15:48James Acaster: They wouldn't have approved of it either. It'd be me and the Chuckles side of stage going, here we go. Here come the waterworks. There they are. Got going with them. Right on cue. Go on, Barry. Clean it up. Oh, he slipped on them again. He slipped on them again. Paul, go and get him. Although, against my better judgement, go and get him, Paul. Oh, Paul slipped over. There we go. No, he's pulled him over. Okay, I'm going in. I'll try and keep my opinions to myself when I'm out there. See if we get the way you're sociopath. I've got to pick up the chuckles again.

16:18James Acaster: Still a sparkling water, Greg James.

16:21Ed Gamble: It's still. Yeah. And it is tap. Okay. It is tap. I feel like I'm a chugger. I'm a water... I'm very well hydrated, I feel. Yeah.

16:32Greg James: Are you a chugger with all drinks? Because I'm a golper. James will tell you that. Big gulps. Big gulps.

16:37Ed Gamble: I'm quite a gulper, yeah, but it's the water thing. I don't know what it is, but during the show I get through a lot. I've got an army issue, a flagon that I take with me to the front line, which is the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. Fending off all the pop hits, the crying pop stars. But it's tap for me and it's a lot of it. And that's it. But I do think there's, and I did want to discuss this with you actually quite seriously. Please. I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkling and you say actually because you always go actually tap is fine but tap's always fine but they make you feel like a third class citizen they make you feel pathetic

17:15Greg James: when they don't offer it they make you feel like you're saying oh I don't deserve the other things tap for me please yeah

17:21James Acaster: I really like it when they include it in the options but when they don't and they make you say it

17:28Greg James: yeah they should include it in the options they should that's the best option I think the worst case scenario is them coming up, looking at you and going, tap. Yeah, that is bad. Yeah.

17:38Ed Gamble: Yeah. Still sparkling or probably tap. Probably tap. Probably tap for you, isn't it? You're a tap guy. Yeah, just out of your hands. I had, I don't want to show off, but I had Turkish eggs before I came here. Oh, wow. Around the corner. Big name drop. And they did the still sparkling. I was like, this is a good warm up. Yeah. What I'm about to go and do. So I felt ready.

17:58James Acaster: No one's ever done, gone method before. it was a really good warm up this guy

18:01Ed Gamble: because also he said I said to him a tap's fine and he replied and this has never happened before he replied with even our tap water is filtered so there's a one pound surcharge wow never heard of that before no I think that's absolute bullshit and I went oh and then before I could answer he went it goes to charity oh yeah they got you

18:22James Acaster: he's got you well I didn't want to pry anymore I should have asked that sounds like he riffed that on the spot he could tell you have a problem they said it goes to charity and he's gone back in the kitchen and gone I've just told that guy out there that the water money goes to charity what

18:35Ed Gamble: why'd you do that for you fucking idiot

18:37James Acaster: what do we do should we donate it to charity no of course we're not going to donate it to charity it's for us we're a Turkish egg business we're doing fucking appallingly a Turkish egg business we can't afford to give money to charity but he got a restaurant in London

18:49Ed Gamble: for Christ's sake he was ready with it he was ready with it goes to charity he's obviously had that check a lot where people have been

18:55Greg James: awkward about the one pound surcharge I should have said prove it show me the papers where's the paper trail

19:01Ed Gamble: get the get the Chukla Brothers tax guys back in the same people on the same people

19:06James Acaster: who audited the Chukla Brothers otherwise I'm not going to believe it first time I ever interacted with you was in a restaurant but you don't remember it I do remember it and we're going to say it after three one two three Joe and the Juice no

19:20Ed Gamble: yeah it was

19:21James Acaster: no

19:22Ed Gamble: yeah it was

19:22James Acaster: no where was it no Joe and the Juice was way later okay wow

19:26Ed Gamble: give me a year when was it what do you call Joe and the Juice a restaurant

19:30James Acaster: I would say it's my favourite restaurant what year was it? I would say it was 2013 really? yeah

19:38Ed Gamble: was it a comedy thing? yeah was Kearns there? yeah Cahill? yeah hmm this checks out

19:46James Acaster: you can't say this checks out when you've offered all of the details also Greg I'm going to tell you this this is something that I have brought up to you since and you didn't remember and now you've forgotten it again which I'm loving yeah But I'm a nice guy. Yeah, you're a nice guy. And a lot of stuff is going on in your life.

20:02Ed Gamble: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay, tell me then. When was it? I'd love to.

20:05James Acaster: At the birth of 2013. Oh, okay. At the City Cafe, I believe. Right. What's the one opposite the Tron? Don't look at me. I wasn't there. What's the one opposite the Tron? Yeah, City Cafe. City Cafe. Do you not remember? You were there. You're there with Kearns and Cahill. I'm sat on a table with Joel Domit and David Trent.

20:24Ed Gamble: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah.

20:26James Acaster: And this was David Trent's idea. and it's still one of my favourite things ever. He said, Kearns is with Craig James. We didn't know that you went to uni together at the time and all this. We didn't know that you knew each other. What the fuck? And Trent went, let's send them over a bowl of rice.

20:40Ed Gamble: I remember.

20:41James Acaster: Okay, I remember that. So we said to the waitress, can you please send a bowl of rice to that table? And we were grateful. It turned up. You all looked confused and then you looked over at us and the three of us just raised our glasses to you.

20:51Ed Gamble: Yeah, lovely. It's a great move. And that was it. We did talk to you. Yeah, it's such a power move, isn't it? That's all we did.

20:56James Acaster: it's a good bowl of rice just a bowl of rice well thanks for the rice so then I went on your radio show a couple of years later yeah that had been our only interaction so I thought obviously Greg remembers it did you bring that up on the radio I didn't just bring it up I bought with me a box of Uncle Ben's rice how do you not remember this slammed it down on the desk and you were like what the fuck okay what's that yeah I knew he was a weird guy but I thought I bought you some rice and you were like okay do you want to tell me why this is live on the radio do you want to tell me why I had to tell that you're like oh okay and now again you forgot again and now you're like Joe and the Juice Joe and the Juice well I just simply said hello to you on my way out and that was it yeah but

21:36Ed Gamble: oh you said more than you said with the rice time yeah sure

21:39James Acaster: at least you spoke to me this time and it just communicated through rice but you're in actually Joe and the Juice we haven't really gone over that since because I got the impression that you were actually in more of a proper meeting or something than I had anticipated and I'd interrupted it on the way out

21:53Ed Gamble: but I remember being happy to see you and I said nice to hang out soon didn't no

22:00James Acaster: I wanted to you didn't mean that I did mean that you didn't mean it I meant that I didn't feel like I remember leaving thinking what a professionally nice man well especially

22:10Greg James: that's me you said we should hang out soon but you're saying you thought that was the first time you met James so that's a mad thing to say he had been on my show

22:19Ed Gamble: he had been on my show before the Joe and the Juice thing I think

22:21James Acaster: yes I had yeah And then there'd be the confusing rice thing on the show. And then I'd come up to you and Joe the Jewel's go, Hey, man, I'm going to meet you. Get out of here. It'd be nice to meet you. Let's hang out. I should have bought some rice. I've really fucked it up. I'll consider doing it again. Consider having an even bigger thing of rice in this time when you came in. It was a huge trade. Kearns is responsible for my first ever shout out on Off Menu.

22:43Ed Gamble: Yes.

22:43James Acaster: We don't remember that, obviously.

22:45Ed Gamble: Well.

22:46James Acaster: First ever as well. So you must have had more. Well, I think it was the first ever.

22:50Ed Gamble: It's the first one I've heard. Yeah. and it was to do with being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla yeah I remember that and I just thought that's about right and Kearns there sitting there going he's big time he's not going there was it Margulies' restaurant yeah it was Margulies' yeah and there I am being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla

23:13James Acaster: yeah I think just because I've seen you in a city cafe with him it's our first point of reference it's someone that John would go to dinner with yeah yeah yeah And because it's a funny pairing. Because obviously you've known each other for years. But for everyone who just knows the two of you separately, it doesn't really make sense that we would hang out.

23:29Ed Gamble: John was on some of my first Radio 1 shows. We got him on to do stuff. Wow. It was like agony uncle type stuff. Amazing. Yeah. We used to do loads of stuff on student radio together as well. We would get him to go and do live cinema reviews, but in the film. So that was really... I think it's a good feature. Bring that back. I should bring that back. I do it with John. Yeah, with John. Are we kissing now? Yeah. that's a breakfast.

23:53James Acaster: I'd love it. I think enough of our listeners could bully Radio 1 into bringing that back.

23:59Ed Gamble: Yeah, we could do that.

24:00Greg James: You're okay with us running Radio 1?

24:01Ed Gamble: I'm seven years into a breakfast show. We're low on ideas. We're low. I'm doing the rice thing on Monday. You better be. Pop-lops or bread! Pop-lops or bread, Greg James! Pop-lops or bread! I've thought about this a lot, obviously. It's pop-a-doms. Lovely. Great. And for specific reasons, actually. and it's I think that the poppadom section of a of a curry night is the most is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out yeah because I think there's so much it's such a lovely moment where you're like we're so early on into this meal it's all potential yeah but but we're getting kind of the best bit now yeah we're this is this is going to be a brilliant night we've got plans later whatever it is we've just got nothing else to do we're just going to sit here but the start it's like having it's like the greatest hits first in a show isn't it yeah it's like it's that you're having you've got and this great performance of it as well is really nice because you've got the carousel of the dips and you've got the I just think that's a nice nice thing to do with your friends so it's Poppadoms for me it's why it's why it's even part of our format

25:07James Acaster: yeah because of but you feel that don't you I feel that with Poppadoms yeah I don't feel it so much of bread when it comes out even though I've always picked bread on this whenever I've done my own menu but like it was that thing I remember having a curry in York and being like, this should be part of the podcast, this feeling. It feels so good.

25:25Ed Gamble: It's an amazing feeling. Yeah. And it's also Ben's face. Absolutely livid that I've told that boring story.

25:33James Acaster: Every time it's boring and goes nowhere, he's sitting there.

25:36Greg James: Are you telling me you're in York and you thought this should be part of the podcast? Yes. But you did it episode one. Yes. And you definitely made it up on the spot. At no point had you planned.

25:43James Acaster: I didn't plan to shout it. Yeah. No. But I knew it was part of the thing. we'd talked about it you didn't tell me we talked about it at the cafe immediately before but I had a curry in York the same week and I was so happy when the poppadoms came out that I was like we've got to have this this feeling has got to be part of the podcast it's three days till we do this podcast we haven't really thought it through I think we should put this in there part of the dream meal and it's still there and when Greg was describing that then I was back in that curry house in York

26:10Greg James: we rarely talk about the feeling it's about the feeling it's the feeling

26:13Ed Gamble: yeah when I go out for dinner I'm more interested in the feeling than the food I think so I mean the food has to be decent but I'm more interested in the whole the atmosphere and Poppadom sets a great atmosphere sharing immediately this chat immediately there's someone disagreeing about how you're chopping them how you're smashing them what dips you're putting on which order and also are you dipping into the dip bit or are you spooning onto your own little plate that's often an argument may I say you've got a spoon

26:43Greg James: a lot of people don't yeah well those people are fucking gross yeah Kearns doesn't well you dip straight in and I bet he's biting a poppadom and then dipping in the bit the bit side into the communal dip

26:53Ed Gamble: but there's friends we'll all have these people in our lives grossos you love them but you do want to do some damage to them when they do they break off a bit yeah dip dip scoop so they're doing a they're doing a mango they're doing a like a whatever the yogurt rater rater and then they're scooping a bit of lime

27:15Greg James: so they're getting one dip into the other dip into the other bit. Yeah, it's awful. It's carnage.

27:20James Acaster: Jonathan Edwards,

27:20Greg James: hop, skip, jump. It is.

27:22Ed Gamble: It's a triple jump. It's horrible. It's horrible to watch. It's not called hop, skip, jump, man. Hop, skip and jump. Olympic gold medal hop, skip and jump. Thank you. It's one of the names of the hop, skip, jump. Please commentate. Please commentate in LA the next Olympics. It's the hop, skip, jump.

27:43James Acaster: Do you remember watching that when you were a kid when you broke the record? Yeah, I do, yeah. Insane. insane television were you dipping I was dipping at the same time yeah yeah yeah yeah no one would care about that now

27:52Ed Gamble: no

27:52James Acaster: but at the time the world stood still yeah it's funny that isn't it

27:55Greg James: but I think people would care about that not in the same way if there was a if there was a British man who broke the hop skip jump record yeah everyone would the world would stand still

28:05James Acaster: yeah but like later on people would start chatting about it no like at the time it would be viral it would go viral it was all that was going on in the world that was it Edwards had done it and he'd done it because he prayed to Jesus and stuff I think I remember my childhood

28:16Ed Gamble: being quite Linford Christie based. Yeah. It was quite, it was just a very, he was a very famous part of our childhood. He was,

28:22Greg James: he was absolutely huge. Gunnell, Gusty. Oh, what a great era. Yeah. But Linford, I remember, was about his running, but then a lot of it was about his package. Really? Yeah. I don't remember that. In the papers, Linford's Lunchbox.

28:36Ed Gamble: That's it. What? Lunchbox, yeah. What? That's what you could have called this podcast. Yeah. We should have called it that.

28:42James Acaster: We could do it as a spinoff, get Linford Christie to host it. Yeah. Call it Linford's Lunchbox. And just be like, what was in your packed lunch at school? Dream packed lunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be good.

28:51Greg James: Linford's Lunchbox.

28:52James Acaster: Yeah, get done all this as a co-host. She can be the genie.

28:55Ed Gamble: You don't reference the... Never, ever reference that. Yeah. Not at the end, you'll be like, thank you, Linford. Also have big skunk. Yeah. Never. No. That can never come up.

29:06James Acaster: No. What an era. Amazing era for athletics. Why are we talking about athletics? I don't know. Why are we talking about athletics?

29:12Ed Gamble: A hop, skip, jump with the dips. Oh, yeah. With the poppadom dips.

29:14James Acaster: yes because quite naturally what you're talking

29:17Greg James: about with the dips

29:17James Acaster: reminded me of the Hopskin and Jump Jonathan Edwards what's your go to

29:20Greg James: what's your go to dips what are your favourites rank them for me Greg well I do think

29:26Ed Gamble: you need them all yeah I think they all serve a really important purpose and you can't have one without the other really do it like the top but the Limes well chart show yeah I have done the chart show before yeah I actually hated doing the chart show so it lasted about a year you used to call it the fart show you hated it so much yeah damn right I did yeah that show them the official farts company you kept saying number one was mango chutney didn't you you ruined the whole thing now there was a moment when I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore when Ed Sheeran managed to hack the chart because they changed the rules or something so that the nine out of the top ten were just songs from his album oh my god and we just had this meeting and we were like this doesn't work as a chart anymore this is just like someone's hacked it and then from that they changed the anyways to it boring no that's not boring I'm glad you're calling him out we've had him on this podcast I'm not calling him out I'm not James Acaster calling out Taylor Swift

30:20James Acaster: sounds like you are sounds like to me like you're calling out Ed Sheeran well we actually did a helpline

30:25Ed Gamble: during that chart show which is maybe why the bosses said maybe move off your heart's not in this anymore we got a helpline for people saying it's too many Ed Sheeran and actually it's making people feel quite sad and the chart show is supposed to be uplifting there's a natural conclusion to it

30:40Greg James: and it used to be exciting to find out who was number one yeah

30:43Ed Gamble: basically we just reordered his album yeah

30:45James Acaster: in chart form everyone's favourite Ed Sheeran song this week is this one

30:49Ed Gamble: yeah exactly was it because of streaming numbers yeah streaming and they hadn't changed the rules right they left themselves wide open yeah yeah

30:55James Acaster: and Sheeran is always going to take advantage of that yeah when he sees an opening and he sees that someone's let their guard down he's straight in there

31:03Greg James: sorry I just saw this the other day about Ed Sheeran hasn't he he said he's going to record an album that could only be released after he's dead

31:08Ed Gamble: yes he has done a posthumous

31:10Greg James: yeah wow

31:10James Acaster: yeah I hope it's like gets released and it's just him going I'm playing with my winkle my little dinkle do playing with my winkle truly truly love it yes I do and it's just acapella and him singing and it's clearly he's in the bath

31:30Ed Gamble: into his phone into his phone and he stated my dying wish is that this is played as the coffin's coming down

31:36James Acaster: and he gets released and he hacks the charts again he's number one everywhere I'm back on the chart show that's in the will yeah it's one song in at number two is him going I'm dead I'm a dead guy and I play with my winkle and I'm looking at the animals in the zoo

31:56Ed Gamble: every song he's playing with his winkle

31:58James Acaster: is he at the zoo

32:00Ed Gamble: in that one in that one he's at the zoo

32:02James Acaster: and he's dead and he's haunted in the zoo but he's playing with his winkle is it all recorded at

32:06Ed Gamble: London Zoo

32:06James Acaster: yeah every track he's basically he's just gone around with his phone and wherever he is he's improvising songs but he keeps on he's not good at improv he's mainly he always comes back to his winkle he keeps on getting trapped in that so yeah it'll just be like in the lift I'm going to the top floor when I'm there I'm going to play with my winkle

32:28Ed Gamble: but he's regressing with that my nephew's three and he announces when he thinks it's penis time brilliant yeah and you have to be really careful around that because you don't want to shame yeah of course and he's like is it penis time now they go oh what do you mean by that like he just sort of pulls on it right yeah whenever i think of you i think of your penis

32:53James Acaster: thank you you're naked because uh you wrote a very lovely article about your partner oh yeah uh and uh during it you said just for some levity he said sometimes just to cheer them up you uh helicopter your penis around when you're naked in the bedroom. And it's just a visual that really stuck in my head. I'm sorry about that. And every time today, I've probably thought about it in your presence ten times since I saw you. I'm so sorry. And now I will. Yeah, yeah.

33:22Ed Gamble: Thanks for reading the piece, though.

33:24James Acaster: Yeah, it's lovely. I'm thinking about the piece. Very nicely written. That's my main takeaway from it, if I'm honest. But it was a lovely, really well written.

33:33Ed Gamble: Yeah, was it when Bella was feeling really sad? Yeah. Yeah. But it is funny, though. I mean like my nephew knows that that's sort of funny like he's sort of twanging it yeah it's funny to twang it yeah but nice nice of him to check that it is penis time is it penis time yes it is penis time in fact we were leaving the house recently to go out to the playground and he went okay great I'm going to go and get my penis so he's like he'd learnt this thing he's like I'm going to go and get it I'm going to go and get my penis so maybe you never really grow out of that as a boy but yeah thanks for that have you ever told him it's not penis time yeah yeah well his mum is very like

34:08Greg James: yeah very on that does she have it in her head of when it is penis time and when it isn't in terms of times of the day or is it mainly to do with setting

34:15Ed Gamble: it's not an alarm that goes on yeah

34:19James Acaster: I'm assuming if he's asking that regularly at least nine times out of ten it's not penis time yeah yeah yeah

34:24Greg James: penis time was the rejected title for Linford's Lunchbox

34:29Ed Gamble: I feel yeah I feel like it should it's not penis time more than it is penis time yeah that's the general rule of life yeah I think so and the earlier

34:37James Acaster: that people with penises learn that the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know we didn't rank the dips. There's no time now. We've got to...

34:43Ed Gamble: Oh, okay. All right.

34:45James Acaster: Just quickly,

34:46Ed Gamble: in at four this week, writer. Yes. At number three is probably the onion-y bit. Yeah. The mix to it. At number two, it's probably mango. Yeah. But two and three can be exchanged. And number one, it's lime pickle. Lovely. Lovely. I love that.

35:00James Acaster: I'll co-sign that top four. Yeah. You like that?

35:02Greg James: Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll say that's mine as well. I put chutney at the bottom and I put onion second. Chutney at the bottom Lime pickle first for me

35:08James Acaster: Onion second is mad You're absolute granddad I love

35:10Greg James: Getting the old folks home And eat your onion

35:12James Acaster: Onion second

35:13Greg James: The onion with the writer And a bit of lime pickle On it together Beautiful You get the crunch Of the onion The tang

35:20James Acaster: Well I mean Correct me if I'm wrong Craig But I don't believe When you did the chart show You could combine Three of the singles

35:27Greg James: No that's true

35:27James Acaster: And put that as number one Yeah it's true

35:30Greg James: Well maybe it's a feature Maybe it's writer Feet DJ Onion Oh yeah that's right Yeah that is it that is that way of doing it

35:36Ed Gamble: you're right and at number one it's writer featuring DJ yeah

35:43Ed Gamble: dream starter my dream starter I've sort of I think I might have hacked it a little bit here okay because it is bread based and it's not gonna make any sense in terms of the overall meal that's fine but the genie yeah will grant me whatever I want absolutely and doesn't judge nope okay well I've been known to hmm yeah we know Taylor Swift yeah sorry it's Marmite cheese on a crumpet. There we go. Okay. I'm in heaven right now. And I've thought about it and you can be really lofty with this sort of stuff and I've heard people on this podcast do really intricate, smart stuff. But actually, when push comes to shove, I think my favourite food might be Marmite.

36:24Ed Gamble: And so it would be mad not to put it on my dream menu in my dream restaurant. Yeah, absolutely. And I think a crumpet is sort of underrated. Yeah. I agree.

36:32Greg James: Every time I have a crumpet,

36:33Ed Gamble: I think,

36:33Greg James: why am I not eating this

36:34Ed Gamble: three times a day? I think that's what I think but I think bread I think big bread the big bread corporation relies on that attitude yeah it does because the crumpets they're going guys I'm way better than bread I soak up so much more stuff yeah I've got pores yeah this is like bread doesn't really have that you might have a hole yeah

36:52James Acaster: butter tastes nicer yeah on a crumpet absolutely and butter's already everyone's favourite

36:57Ed Gamble: it is life life actually would not be worth living without butter yeah So it has to be proper salted, ideally French if it's around, like proper, heavy, great cow butter. Great cow. Great cow butter. And then it's lashings of that, it's Marmite on there, and then you grill the cheese. You're grilling the cheese?

37:17Greg James: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, there's something, when I'm thinking of Marmite cheese crumpet, there's something I quite like about hot crumpet, butter on, melts, Marmite on, and then cold cheddar. the combination of the temperature it melts a little bit it gets a little bit I mean hesitate to use the word sweaty but I think that's what I mean just the combination of the and maybe like a cheddar that's got those crunchy bits in as well you've got texture you've got temperature but grilled delicious

37:47Ed Gamble: I want to say yes and but it's actually no thanks you don't want it that's fine it has to be grilled and melted in and actually to the point where you've burnt it just enough that the marmite starts to harden. That's the real bit. And if I could eat that every day, I would. But I'd die. How thick or thin is this marmite? Oh, it's thin. It's thick, sorry. I don't know why it's thin. I panicked. It's thick.

38:15Greg James: You went with the complete opposite of what you meant.

38:17Ed Gamble: Yeah, in opposite world, it's thin. But in this world, are we in opposite world or real world? Real world now. Real world now. It's thick then. Opposite world, it's thin. But in real world, it's thick. And it is oozing. I don't think you can have enough Marmite I can spoon it in

38:30Greg James: I agree with you do people look at you in absolute disgust when you put Marmite on stuff?

38:35Ed Gamble: and I also respect people that don't like it because it's an acquired taste Marmite it's for the connoisseur and if you don't get it that's fine it's just more for me I want it to sort of hurt the roof of my mouth definitely you can get the Marmite sweats yeah you can and I've had it it just makes you feel alive doesn't it Marmite and cheese as well those combined very sweaty but really delicious actually do you know what I don't want too many people to like Marmite because I converted my wife into a Marmite fan when we met she was like what's this disgusting stuff and now there's never any in the house because she is so on it oh wow so into it you need a private

39:14James Acaster: private Marmite stash oh yeah I know you said like you respect people who don't like it I respect their right not to like it and they don't like it I don't respect people who make a big deal out of not liking it and think it's an interesting thing for them to say it's not that annoys me especially when they they say stuff like I heard something not even that long ago I'll say within this calendar year say quite loudly to their mates like well the thing is with Marmite I go if you fucking say you either love it or you hate it oh don't just go home like while you left the house and they said it as if it was like a really original thing and everyone's like obviously no one responded to them around the table like it was interesting they'd all heard it a billion times you're like how is your personality based off of taglines

39:59Ed Gamble: also that you can't you shouldn't be using I watched that film it's a bit Marmite isn't it you shouldn't be using that brilliant do you mean it's brilliant exactly exactly because you know one man's Marmite is another man's I don't know dog shit whatever the phrase is that's a new one there's a new one people should start saying that one man's Marmite

40:18Greg James: is another man's dog shit they should say that in the adverts change love it or hate it to one man's Marmite is another man's dog shit.

40:25James Acaster: That would get them a lot of attention. Yeah.

40:29Greg James: There you go.

40:29James Acaster: And I don't think it would put off people who like Marmite. Yeah. And the people who don't like it are never going to like it anyway. Yeah. Get people talking.

40:36Greg James: Yeah.

40:36James Acaster: Marmite's supposed to be edgy, aren't you?

40:38Greg James: Yeah. Come on. Go on, guys. Marmite in a bacon sandwich. Ever had it?

40:46Ed Gamble: Haven't had it. That's got me. Should have it. Haven't had it, but I haven't been got that much on this pod for a while. Haven't had it, but would have it. but the only reason I'm reluctant because you can imagine tastes can't you yep it's the wonder of the brain yeah yeah palate yeah but I'm imagining for me it might be double salt it is double salt but I don't know if in a good way

41:06Greg James: in a good way with butter in there as well with slightly toasted bread spoken like a true diabetic yeah it is phenomenal

41:15Ed Gamble: yeah okay so your butter in any other sauce tomato ketchup no I think I've tried it me so

41:21Greg James: I've tried putting other me so you're putting loads of miso on there and soy soy sauce no it doesn't need any other sauce I mean you could I guess you could put like a ketchup in there or a sort of sweet chutney or something that might take the edge off the salt that's interesting but for me it's double salt is it regularly having that not regularly if I have a bacon sandwich at home which isn't regular I'll pop Marmite in that's what you do yeah for years I had

41:46James Acaster: bacon and peanut butter sandwiches I was eating those like Elvis like Elvis

41:51Ed Gamble: I'm just imagining the flavour

41:52James Acaster: yeah

41:53Ed Gamble: I think that works

41:54James Acaster: yeah yeah would this be a good new segment for your radio show imagine the flavour and people phone in yeah yeah tell you something they've eaten and then you go I'm just imagining the flavour hello line one who have we got hello my my name's Keith huh hey Keith when you do your characters hey my name is Keith hey Keith what are you up to today

42:14Ed Gamble: I'm from Bristol what do you do for a living Keith oh I'm a I'm a brookie and what you having for your what's in your lunchbox not that one

42:23James Acaster: Be careful Greg You don't want to get taken off the air In my lunchbox today Greg is Where's he from? Bristol Originally Bristol Born and bred Greg in my lunchbox today Is Doritos And burger sauce

42:42Ed Gamble: Let me just check the flavour on that one

42:44James Acaster: Imagine it please

42:45Ed Gamble: I'm imagining it now Keith I don't think that works Next

42:49James Acaster: Oh, good day to you. All the best for the future.

42:53Ed Gamble: I think it worked. That's good. It was a good new feature. I have done worse. Yeah. Definitely worse features.

42:59Greg James: Hey, Greg, all the best for the feature.

43:01Ed Gamble: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ed. Yeah? That's really nice. Woo!

43:11James Acaster: Dream main course, Greg. My dream main course is... For the listener, Every time Greg has to choose something, he closes his eyes fully. I hate it. And you squeeze them shut.

43:22Ed Gamble: Yeah.

43:23James Acaster: Every time you've got to name your next course, anything, you go completely eyes shut.

43:28Ed Gamble: It's because it's sort of top of the roller coaster. Yeah. And then you're down and you can't take it back. Yeah. And it's out there. There's so many options. But I've gone for Fettuccine Alfredo. Lovely. It is lovely, but it is quite basic.

43:42Greg James: I think that is one of the dishes I hear about a lot, but I don't actually know what it is.

43:47Ed Gamble: Well, it's very, it's nothing. It's like, it's just, it's cheese and pasta.

43:50James Acaster: Right. I think it's what, correct me if I'm wrong, Michael Scott eats before the fun run.

43:54Ed Gamble: Right.

43:55Greg James: Right. Yeah, that's what I've heard about it. So you're right, it's been made famous

44:00Ed Gamble: by sort of American stuff. So it's quite an American Italian dish. Yeah. But I went, me and Bella, my wife, went to Rome for my birthday last year and we stumbled across. Happy birthday. Well, that was ages ago, but thanks. Less than a year ago. Closer to the next one, so. Okay. can I use that for then generally happy birthday

44:18James Acaster: for the next one for that one what are you doing for this next one

44:22Ed Gamble: well I want to go back to Rome mainly for this bowl of pasta so it changed my life and I don't stop thinking about it which is why it has to be in the dream restaurant and it's the restaurant it's called Alfredo's and we stumbled across it and we just looked at it and went oh it looks kind of it looks quite weird we'd sort of read something about it as an option we were like oh let's go there tonight and we went in and it's this huge sort of canteen style Italian it just looked like for me I love The Sopranos I love Godfather all that sort of Italian-y Mafia-y stuff I'm just into yeah and I imagine you in that world no exactly that's why I like it but that's what my dream restaurant is but the dream restaurant the dream restaurant for me is that I walk in and I get treated like Tony Soprano and I've got a special table and I get the double kiss on the cheek

45:09Greg James: is your dream restaurant

45:10Ed Gamble: in Bada Bings probably not in Bada Bings but we go there after yeah I think we go there after Bella goes home and then I go to Badabings afterwards

45:19James Acaster: you and Ed Sheeran he's recording something in the corner I'm in Badabings oh here comes security fellas let me explain I'm in the alleyway I ain't got a pile of rubbish an idea just popped into my head I'm playing with my winkle Sitting under rubbish, looking around. Out, out, out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

45:48Ed Gamble: You wore me once, I know. The police are here. It's Craig's birthday. It's Craig's birthday. He's asked me to turn up. Sorry. Sorry, Greg. You went to Alfredo's. Well, yeah. So Alfredo's is that sort of place. On the wall, there are loads of famous people, but like top end famous people. Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe. You've got proper old, all the crooners. You've got ex-presidents. And they've been there? All been there. Definitely. And they all have been there. but this place has been going since like an iteration of it has been going since the late 1800s yeah originally Alfredo was the guy and it was passed on to his son and then his son so now it's like the third or fourth iteration it's been there since the 50s since post-war and it's been like it's an institution and that is where they invented he invented Fettuccine Alfredo that's mad it's not the most adventurous dish but it's sort of become legendary in popular culture I guess and I was having the actual one in the place and I was sort of I was a sucker for being, I was being a tourist about it and I loved it.

46:46Ed Gamble: And they came over and said, do you want it with gold leaf? I went, yeah. You did it. I did it. It's extra 10 euro. I was fleeced. And add to nothing. Not really. Flavoury. They come over and they do, they assemble it in front of you. They bring out, it's like a chariot of a fettuccine Alfredo and they mix in the butter in front of your eyes. That's good. It's already got butter, cream, pecorino, parmesan and they put another load of butter in it and they toss it in front of your eyes. And you're just like, this is... So that's all it is. Just like it's cream and cheese basically. Yeah, that's it.

47:21Ed Gamble: But it's unbelievable. And a cheese-based life is a great life.

47:25Greg James: Correct.

47:26Ed Gamble: And that's how I like to live it.

47:27Greg James: Yeah.

47:28Ed Gamble: And there's a guy playing the piano in the background just sort of doing covers. It was really nice. It was Christmas time. People started getting up and doing Christmas songs. I went up and did a song because I had a bottle of wine. You went and did a song? Yeah, Bella sort of said, go and do a song, I know you want to. I went no I don't want to and I immediately got up and did White Christmas wow White Christmas it's the best that goes with the pasta White Christmas it goes with the pasta it does I was so so like heavy when I was singing it was like burping through White Christmas

47:54James Acaster: I imagine you got like an undone bow tie on

47:56Greg James: yeah yeah I always bring one but everyone claps and said it was the best thing ever because you're the boss you're the mafia boss they did actually clap though

48:03Ed Gamble: yeah and the waiters came over

48:05Greg James: no no no I know we're having a laugh but they did actually clap no I'm not having a laugh

48:11Ed Gamble: they clapped yeah yeah they did they did clap they're still clapping they're probably still talking about that that guy that came in sounds delicious did Bella have the same thing she did yeah but she didn't go for the gold leaf oh right because she's weak yeah but yeah it's one of those dishes that I just I think about all the time just when I'm feeling yeah

48:30James Acaster: sad but also like you're saying you're being a tourist about it but really as a tourist you do sometimes know when you've been done yeah and you've been you've fallen into a tourist trick and if you genuinely think about this dish all the time it must have been pretty amazing to the point where I want to go back just for that

48:46Ed Gamble: and Bella's like you can't go back just for the dish I went well

48:50Greg James: there's other stuff in Rome but it's nice to have something guaranteed that you know you're going to love there's other stuff but I think this is the best bit about it Spanish Debs, Colosseum

48:58James Acaster: nah, Bettuccine Alfredo

49:00Ed Gamble: thank you

49:01James Acaster: the main thing I learned in Rome was what arena means and it means sand, sand, sand sands because when they go to the coliseum sands sands sands the sands oh the sands yeah yeah

49:15Ed Gamble: sands are you saying sands what word are you saying yeah like sand

49:20James Acaster: oh sand

49:21Greg James: okay

49:22James Acaster: plural sands

49:24Greg James: I don't know I think sand I think sand is the plural of sand

49:27James Acaster: yeah but they would say sands the sands we're going to the sands why do you keep saying sands we're going to the coliseum because the floor of it was sand oh sandy right so they would say were going to the sands yeah and then that was a renaz i hate rome now yeah i also don't think you learned this i did on the on the guided tour you don't seem sure that you've learned something yeah on the guided tour they said it yeah and then last week i was in valencia and there was a hotel nearby called yeah las arenas or whatever and i was like that means the sands yeah because i retained that and you're with your partner and she went yeah i know i was there as well yeah she was it was weird telling her that she was like

50:09Ed Gamble: I actually am going to definitely go back to Rome just to do this and have the Alfredo

50:13James Acaster: go to the guided tour again and when they're about to say that fact just shout it over them the sands

50:19Ed Gamble: when it's the sands it makes the sands

50:21James Acaster: it's crazy though the Coliseum what a life

50:23Ed Gamble: it is but it's we actually went there this year I've been to Rome a couple of times but we hadn't done that bit and I thought well I've done the pasta let's go and do the other basic thing and what I found amazing was the smoking area at the Coliseum it's outdoor there's a sad little smoking bit down the bottom bit of the Coliseum but famously no roof why are you putting everyone it just feels pathetic and it's sort of in a what probably was like a jail bit or a gale where they used to keep the tigers and stuff yeah but now they keep the smokers there and so they're all just sitting there behind bars almost and you've got to watch everyone else just going around the top bit then they release one every now and again

51:07Greg James: to kill a Christian

51:07Ed Gamble: yeah oh you've been yeah yeah

51:19Ed Gamble: I've got another bit of my main am I allowed yeah

51:22James Acaster: can I ask the genie yeah let's hear it that's a full baller I also I wouldn't mind hearing some of these

51:26Greg James: the honourable munchins the things that you potentially were going to pick because you were you were struggling to pick the main well that's why I've gone for you're trying to hack it I'm trying to hack it a bit.

51:36Ed Gamble: Let's hear it. Okay, my side, but also part of my main... You decide, Jeannie. I've got two things that I really want on the menu. Okay. And I don't know where they go. Okay. First one is pizza for the table. Interesting.

51:49Greg James: Look, you are absolutely preaching to the converted here because James loves for the table. I love for the table. This is Mr. for the table. If he was in Chuckle Brothers, that would be his name. Hello, Mr. for the table. I'll be glad to be called that.

52:00James Acaster: Yeah. Are you doing pizza for the table? I'll let you do pizza for the table because I think that's a nice board but I am going to have to hear who else is at the table oh

52:11Ed Gamble: well it's sort of just me then no and you

52:16James Acaster: me and you he's working I'm working

52:19Ed Gamble: I want there to be at least there's people there's fun people Bella's there just before you forget yeah Bella's there I've just got good good mates fun times Kearns Kearns is there Kearns is there Kearns is there Kearns is there There you go. I'll accept it. Fun people are there. Bella, Kearns and Cahill. It's fun people. I'll accept that. John's eating, what did he order at the Pat's Tag? Heart and lungs. Oh, yeah. He's still vomiting about it now. Yeah, yeah. I'll go for the awful praise. Heart and lungs. Yeah, so they're all there. How about that? Okay, yeah. Pizza at the table. What's on the pizza?

52:54Ed Gamble: Well, I'm having a bit of a moment with, this might also be quite basic, because you're quite forward thinking. You've tried it all, haven't you? You two. but you have you've been there you've been around the block it's pepperoni but with honey the hot honey hot honey

53:11James Acaster: I've not tried this have you? sounds lovely

53:14Greg James: yeah it's hot yeah I just think it's really great I'm sort of against it in principle and then whenever I have it I'm like it does work actually

53:20James Acaster: but I think spicy honey like hot chili honey yeah hot chili honey

53:24Ed Gamble: with pepperoni and just really gooey sort of ideally it's buffalo mozzarella king of mozzarella's I guess but actually a classic pizza for the table might just be a margarita with basil and buffalo mozzarella as a sort of palate cleanser.

53:38James Acaster: So your main thing here is that you want pizza for the table, not that there's a specific pizza you want to get on your dream menu.

53:44Ed Gamble: Yeah, I think when you're younger, you are sort of, you're taught that it's either pasta or pizza. But that's bollocks. Yeah. When you're a grown-up, you can kind of do anything you like. Yes. And I'm having Alfredo and I'm having a pizza. Yeah.

53:57Greg James: I think because they go together,

53:59Ed Gamble: it feels like that's a main, right?

54:00Greg James: Past the pizza.

54:01Ed Gamble: Yeah, especially if one of them is for the table. and the pizza is sort of the one that the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles might have had

54:08Greg James: you know

54:08Ed Gamble: that big that big floppy kind of lovely American-y pizza gooey and there's like

54:12Greg James: a bit dripping off the end you've got to get it in the mouth quickly otherwise it'll flop down I guess that's like

54:17Ed Gamble: formative pizza memories that and Home Alone I guess yeah which is like delicious cheese pizza just for me that sort of thing that pizza

54:25James Acaster: so it's that but not the pizza at the beginning of Home Alone that Buzz crams into his mouth which is a cheese pizza again because it's Kevin's pizza yeah But the way that Buzz puts it all, it's one of the most, and then Buzz gets hit and spews it all up. I hate Buzz.

54:40Ed Gamble: I know you're supposed to, but I'm really hating him. I struggle with him because apparently I look like him.

54:44James Acaster: Used to. Fuck you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want pizza for the table? I believe there was another hack coming up.

54:51Ed Gamble: Well, it was, it was a, yes, because I've closed my eyes again because I'm worried about this. This is it. This is like definitive. I can't go back on this. But I also want a secret steak. and a secret steak is a steak that I have away from my wife who is I'm sort of I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage you've married into vegetarianism I have married into vegetarianism and I like the vast majority of it yeah actually the truth is I do chicken and fish but red meat I don't really do yeah but I do go and have secret steak Bella's not going to listen to this by the way I think I'm safe nah what? it's a good podcast it's a great podcast but she's not I don't think you know she's not gonna listen to me she's gonna listen to your book your book promo no no exactly i've even forgotten about that book do you listen to her book promo yeah yeah well there you go but she's not like that she's actually you know she's cool she is really cool yeah she is cool yeah but she's also vegetarian which has its problems for me because i do like every now and then i do like a steak so i'll go out for a secret steak with my cousin i love this with your cousin you're gonna love that yeah yeah i love this with your cousin yeah so we're going in fact we've put one in for a couple of weeks.

55:59Ed Gamble: Where do you go for your secret sake? Well, we like Hawksmore. Yeah. We do like Hawksmore. We do. We do. We like Hawksmore actually. Yes. What's your cousin's name? Yeah, me and Derek like Hawksmore. My cousin's called Guy. Does he call you Cousin Greg? Yeah. Well, I am his cousin Greg and actually Succession was a fucking nightmare for Greg's. Succession is an absolute because all the dickheads are Greg's in every show. Joe Lysa. In Joe Lysa's last stand-up tour. Yeah. the estate agent character which sets the whole premise up yeah it's called Greg yeah and I had to interview him for it with this thing for his his DVD thing and the first question was well fuck you could have chosen any other dickhead name and you chose Greg yeah but it is a it's a bad name it's a good punchline name

56:48James Acaster: well when I think about it it doesn't suit you great I take that I don't want to be it it's crazy that you're called Greg it is stupid as I'm thinking about it now why am I I think I look at you and I just think James James would work. If you're called James Gregg, so I'd be like, okay.

57:03Ed Gamble: It was a James Gregg. He works for Five Live. Really? That must get confusing. Do you ever get emails that we're meant for each other? Yeah. I don't read the emails, but he is sort of my, he's sort of like the evil, my evil twin, I guess. Maybe I'm the evil twin. I don't know. Yeah. He's like dark timeline Greg James. Nice man though. Yeah. Well, he appears to be a nice man. But yeah, so I'm cousin Greg and I go out with cousin guy for a secret steak but what I do like is that Italian you know the thinly sliced one with you put rosemary and salt on it is it like a tagliata tagliata yeah I like that one so that would be good so it would be a secret steak maybe I have to go out out the back to eat it if that was there yeah yeah

57:45James Acaster: I'll stash it somewhere in the restaurant for you so you can go and get it yeah have little pieces just behind a plant pot just go for a walk around actually I'm just going to stretch the legs have yourself to the table pizza and I'll be back in a sec over by the plant pot. Yeah, like Mrs. Doubtfire. You're like running between tables. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

58:03Greg James: That's me.

58:03James Acaster: Yeah.

58:04Greg James: Mrs. Doubtfire, man. Have you ever had Fiorentina steak? What's on that? So it's like a, I think it's often like a T-bone, but they basically like really scorch the outside. They really go for it and it's quite rare in the middle. And that's a lovely steak. That sounds nice. There's a restaurant in Chelsea called La Familia, which has like been there for decades, which is a good vibe. Do they go two kisses? that sort of place they could do I'd imagine if you if you lent in they'd have obliged you they'd obliged you send guy in first

58:33Ed Gamble: see what happened I think the dream is that I want them to I want people to fear me because they don't but like in the dream restaurant they look at me with fear and they're like respect but they know that I could and have killed and you can destroy their business

58:48James Acaster: I'm going to be completely honest with you and I hope you don't take this the wrong way there's been many many times we have done over 300 episodes of this podcast where guests have said, and I want to utilize the genius magic by doing this. And I've always been like, yep, of course I'm a genie, I can do that. That is the first one, you being feared by people, that I have thought I don't think that's possible. I don't think I'm going to be able to make this happen. And remember he said,

59:14Greg James: don't take this the wrong way, so you're not allowed to.

59:16James Acaster: Yeah, so I don't think, even using my genie powers, I can make a situation where you walk into the restaurant and the guests fear you enough that they want to suck up to you and be nice to you. And the proprietor. I can't, even with magic, I don't know how I'm meant to do that for you.

59:36Greg James: How about within the dream restaurant world, you've started a new feature on the show, on your radio show, where you absolutely destroy restaurants and it becomes incredibly influential and it genuinely has restaurants shut down, which you could do in real life. You know you're giving me fire in my belly for this. Yeah? You've got fire in your belly?

59:53Ed Gamble: yeah because I would say you're a useless fucking genie that's what I would say do you fear me now yeah

59:59James Acaster: no I mean the cameras were filming this I was delighted that you said that yeah no one's ever said that before I was like yes well he did it he said useless fucking genie he wouldn't even criticise Taylor Swift for crying earlier now I've got him you're worse he's cracked I am worse Greg might have to interview Taylor Swift

1:00:16Greg James: he can't be agreeing with you almost certainly yeah almost certainly

1:00:20Ed Gamble: for the record I hope this goes on the record I think she's great he's recording

1:00:26James Acaster: I fucking hope so you also didn't improvise any Ed Sheeran songs earlier either you just let us do that

1:00:32Greg James: no I didn't either it was you talking about Ed Sheeran's Winkle for five minutes I don't think I mentioned

1:00:37James Acaster: his Winkle at any point

1:00:46your dream drink

1:00:47Ed Gamble: my dream drink it's just a big bottle of red wine yeah it has to be with this meal washing it all down just make until I'm sick yeah oh nice it's Barolo it's your Brunello's it's your Barolo's it's your Montepulciano's yeah yeah it's all that stuff oh yeah it's your big big beefy Italians yeah

1:01:06Greg James: that's it do you have a specific a specific one that you liked or do you remember the best bottle of wine you've had

1:01:12Ed Gamble: yeah there's like just a whatever the most if you're being fancy the most expensive Brunello you can find in a shop is always just unbelievable yeah and he's like this is I have to drink this every day now this is my stuff but you can't and then you wake up the next morning and you go I can't ever drink that it's way too heavy yeah

1:01:30James Acaster: I wished so hard that I liked wine

1:01:33Ed Gamble: you like wine a bit

1:01:34James Acaster: I like it a bit but not enough to talk about it as regularly as we do on this shit

1:01:38Ed Gamble: no

1:01:41James Acaster: I should have picked something else every time it comes up you know you gotta pick your favourite yeah and I'm glad that you did but as soon as you said it I thought fuck this

1:01:49Ed Gamble: what's to leave you're having secret steak fucking guy secret steak pasta pizza for the table those tomatoes and the cheese and everything it all just goes it goes really well but also really badly I mean you're going to be really feeling that tomorrow yeah it's real Gaviscon territory yeah it really is yeah so almost like have it before dinner and then one after Gaviscon yeah swig before tablet halfway through swig at the end

1:02:15James Acaster: secret one in the room

1:02:16Ed Gamble: do you want me to put a secret one somewhere secret Gaviscon

1:02:18James Acaster: Sabella doesn't see

1:02:20Ed Gamble: out the back I can't know about it you've married into a non-Gaviscon marriage haven't you no definitely not she's big Gaviscon isn't she yeah yeah she is I think the big difference between your 20s and 30s is there's a lot more Gaviscon in the house it's kind of the main yeah we're a Rennie's household you're a Rennie's guy yeah yeah I'm very rarely a Rennie's guy but my wife is a big Rennie's guy yeah Bella's more Rennie than Gaviscon yeah yeah she is more Rennie actually I've come to think of it I'm more Gaviscon max strength

1:02:48James Acaster: we're neither but uh great levels of discomfort all the time

1:02:54Greg James: yeah I mean I don't know why I don't want to paint with broad brush strokes but white ladies stomachs be popping you know there's a lot going on there yeah fair to say yeah yeah yeah

1:03:05James Acaster: fair to say maybe that's why Taylor Swift cries every night

1:03:10Ed Gamble: fair enough is there no wine that you're into really like what's the it's got to be something

1:03:15James Acaster: well this is the worst thing through doing this podcast and being friends with Ed every now and again been treated to a really nice fancy wine and yeah I have one of those and go oh this is incredible and then I just go oh the only wine I like is extortionate like absolutely mad expensive wine that is literally the best that absolutely everyone who drank it would love it because it's that good and anything else I'm like this is going to be a trudge to get through this and I have the first sip and go oh no oh no So you've just got really expensive tastes, basically. Got to get through all of this wine, and I wish I just ordered a juice or something.

1:03:54James Acaster: I wish I just said I got any apple juice or something like that. Yeah. This is going to be difficult.

1:03:59Ed Gamble: What about, well, surely there's like a, there must be like an orange wine. Have you tried there?

1:04:03James Acaster: Yeah, orange wines. If there is an orange wine on the menu, if all they've got is wine, because sometimes that's when they go, here's the wine list, and I go, right, I'm going to find the cocktail page. I'm like, well, that's not in here. Jesus Christ, please no. Please don't say it's just wine. And they're like, yeah. and then I'm immediately looking for the orange wine. All right. And just trying to find orange wines. If that's not on there, then I'm really... The other night, I went to a... And that was the scenario. And it looked like it read as it was an orange wine, whatever it was called.

1:04:32James Acaster: Probably had the word orange in it. I was like, I'll have that. And they were like, okay. Okay. They were a little bit confused. They brought it back. And they were like, there you go. I took a sip. I was like, is that sherry? Have I just ordered... And they're like, yep, you've got a massive glass of sherry. and that was very difficult for me all night.

1:04:48Greg James: To be fair, a lot of natural wines and orange wines sometimes take on some of the taste properties of sherry, I think. This was massive.

1:04:55James Acaster: Yeah. It was like a massive glass of sherry and I had to tap out and say to them, I'm so sorry, but I'm not. I love sherry. There's no way I can finish this sherry. It's humongous.

1:05:03Ed Gamble: A sherry...

1:05:04James Acaster: I could do a little sherry.

1:05:05Ed Gamble: A sherry, I've not really... It's just very my nan and it was very... But sherry's cool now. Is it cool? Yeah, sherry's cool now. Well, my nan was cool. Yeah. She was a mad little Welsh lady. just the only drink she had I mean if she did off menu which would be insane because she's dead and would never have wanted to do it anyway but if she does come on well she doesn't know what a podcast is

1:05:27Greg James: she wouldn't have wanted to do it why don't you just say she's dead so that would be mad and also it's mad because we wouldn't just have someone's nan on right those are the two mad things it doesn't have to be that she wouldn't have done it she'd turn us down how many people's nans have you had on how many nans we must have had someone's oh as many as we've asked I'd say how many have you asked

1:05:44James Acaster: zero right we wouldn't have asked your fucking nan is what we're saying to you you'd make it out like she would turn us down

1:05:51Ed Gamble: she would she wouldn't do it anyway

1:05:52Greg James: but her whole menu would be sherry

1:05:54Ed Gamble: we would ask I didn't really see her eat food yeah yeah or drink anything else it was just sherry yeah she would just drink little just a little glass of sherry but she'd be like why does I have a little one but it was like 15 little ones yeah yeah so it was the end of the and it would always be is it Bristol cream is that what yeah so when nan was coming over it would be like oh my mum would say to me go out and you better go and get some Bristol cream for Nan. Maybe I should get into Sherry. Runs in the family maybe. That's what I should have had

1:06:20James Acaster: in the lunchbox earlier. The guy from Bristol should have had some cream in there. Just cream? Just cream.

1:06:26Ed Gamble: What are you having for lunch, Keith? Just some cream. My lunchbox is full of cream, Greg. I'd be fading Keith down if he said just some cream because I think he's about to say something disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Faded down. Just imagining that.

1:06:41James Acaster: Yeah, that's very nice. Thank you. Bye, Keith.

1:06:43Ed Gamble: Thanks a lot. Here's Ed Sheeran.

1:06:46James Acaster: Oh, I'm crazy. Is there any in particular you remember having to fade down over the years? Oh, loads. That was a real close call. It was going to be really bad.

1:06:57Ed Gamble: Oh, there's loads. But most of them have gone badly. But you can, you know, I guess it's like a heckler. Hopefully you can sort of style it out a bit. Yeah, but we can't just do that. They go quiet. That would be amazing. but also it's not being broadcast to quite a few people and in the room the dream there's loads of people I'm not saying both of you are very successful even more so after this podcast this particular one what I mean is everyone in that room is sort of up for you to deal with it whereas you've got a lot of people who are sort of casually listening on the way to school the kids are on the way to school and you've got someone that when I was on the early breakfast show this was when I first started a couple of years before I met you brilliant well I met you Rice Rice to meet you wow

1:07:52James Acaster: that is good you're not fading that down

1:07:55Ed Gamble: I want to hear more from it get it in the red Rice to meet you Ed's my favourite listener ever it's peaking right and I just go where's Rice to meet you too Ed to meet you Rice you'd say yeah imagine Bruce Forsyth had like workshopped it yeah and had gone one day I'm thinking of doing a catchphrase it's either nice to meet you or rice to meet you and they've gone probably go nice I think rice would be good rice to meet you to meet you rice especially if he met Annika Rice oh yeah I bet he did it

1:08:28Greg James: I bet he must have done it

1:08:29Ed Gamble: I bet he did it

1:08:29Greg James: yeah oh I bet he did it every time he went for a curry like if he went out for a curry with Tess Daly after Strictly I bet he went rice to meet you meet you rice to make your advice. Yes, thank you, Bruce. Thank you, Bruce.

1:08:40Ed Gamble: When I got my first agent in London, he took me out for a curry and it was quite a posh curry and they all had this really lovely white crisp, all the way to this white crisp uniform. And my agent's like regular gag, I've realised since telling people, is that he'd give the menu back and go, thank you, doctor. That was his thing. Because it had like a doctor's coat on it.

1:09:05James Acaster: Thank you, doctor. Love that. Thank you, doctor.

1:09:07Greg James: love that I love little restaurant jokes bad restaurant jokes are my favourite sorts of jokes I think yeah yeah my dad's quite good at that he did one does he do when you've cleared your plate when the waiter comes over to take the plate does he do he didn't like us oh great that's a good one

1:09:22Ed Gamble: that's good my dad always when we go out somewhere the rule is that he will always order what Henry VIII would have ordered he's always the biggest the heaviest thing yeah and he ordered pork belly and the waitress came over once and they went pork belly that's a bit rude yeah it's good it only just works love it it does it's great

1:09:46James Acaster: that's what you want it just works yeah

1:09:50Greg James: by a thread of sense

1:09:51James Acaster: any time like you could do like the kind of joke go what did you call me I love that I love what did you call me no I've never met her

1:09:57Ed Gamble: I'm doing that at the minute quite a lot I'm getting a lot of joy out of this and I don't know if anyone else is but see Matt's new album and new song it's called Euro Country so on the radio I'm going euro country what do you call me I like that it's a lot of fun it's fun just to say come on the radio she knows she knows what she's doing absolutely 100 % speaking of which that's what I was about to talk about at 4 o 'clock in the morning we used to do a thing where we'd take calls live to air this was in sort of 2008 a crazy decision if I may say it was crazy but it was fun because it was 4 in the morning loads of fun people were listening and we'd just pick it up and just speak and we did maybe 8 months of it and it was really fun and you'd always get some you'd get Keith calling up saying I'm drinking cream or whatever but there was one guy just I went hello line two and he just went can't

1:10:48Ed Gamble: of course my producer just went we had such a good run it was so good and that was it it was band band band band band no calls live to air that was it that was the end of it and more recently we did a feature called Cowboy Time is that like penis time? No, not like penis time. Put the penis away. It was at 10 to 10. So it's 10 to 10 to 10, 10, 10, 10. Cowboy time is the thing. Someone suggested it and we did it every day. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, you run out. As I said, seven years in your life. Returnable features. Yeah, yeah. So we did it every day. It was really fun. We just call back a random number that was just had text in that day.

1:11:26Ed Gamble: And nine times out of 10, brilliant. Everyone going, oh, I'm on. And they go, don't, don't, don't, don't. But one morning, this guy picked up the phone. and I went, Lewis, are you there? It was rustling. I was hovering over the fader going, what's he doing here? It was rustling. And then he'd obviously got a phone or something and held it up to the other phone and he was just playing porn. He was playing the porn noise that they got Lineker with.

1:11:50James Acaster: They got Lineker with? You know the Lineker one?

1:11:52Ed Gamble: That Lineker got got by porn. Someone strapped a phone to the back of the sofa on FA Cup or something and it was just going, and the guy called up Radio 1 and did that to me. And we, that's not as funny as the cunt guy.

1:12:07James Acaster: No, it's not as funny. And a lot more effort. Yeah. And a lot more thinking you're going to be funny on the lead up to it. Yeah. But actually not naturally a funny person. Whoever that person is, if you're listening, you have not got funny bones. Yes. But the cunt guy. The cunt guy has. Definitely. Cunt. Yeah. Really funny to say it like that.

1:12:25Ed Gamble: Yeah. Someone told me that it was then used in a sort of training module. Of course. And that's the dream, isn't it? It is the dream.

1:12:31James Acaster: And I bet the cunt guy doesn't tell that story to people. Just another funny thing that he did. And I bet the porn guy tells everyone. As if it was the funniest thing ever.

1:12:41Ed Gamble: He told me. The porn guy DM'd me. He said, that was me, Greg. Thought you'd find it funny. No, it's my job. I don't find that funny. Of course not. I'm at work. The weird thing about that is that he turned up at Radio 1's Big Weekend. He got tickets to it. And he was down with this little platform we were doing the show from. and he was down saying I'm the guy it's me yeah exactly just raised a middle finger to him yeah

1:13:04James Acaster: yeah got him can't see that on the radio got him got him

1:13:07Ed Gamble: got him

1:13:11Ed Gamble: your dream dessert my dream dessert is actually I haven't featured eggs much in this today but I'm quite egg based you shouted out Turkish eggs yeah but I'm quite egg based and I do like a post show egg but I didn't think it was it wasn't enough for me but flan is where I get my eggs in and I don't know if you're aware of the proper French flan the sort of wobbly almost like creme caramel consistency consistency-ish but there's a very specific sort of French, I think it's called flan parisienne or something which I imagine is a Parisian flan but it's very eggy, it's quite wobbly and it has to be quite cheap it has to be from a supermarket It has to be from your super ooze, your hyper ooze, your ELA clerks, that sort of thing.

1:14:03Ed Gamble: And it feels like it's been made by a machine, but it's absolutely delicious. And I just would eat that every day as well. I mean, this whole meal is death, isn't it? This is death meal, really. Your arteries are going, what are you doing? But I think the flan is the really important part of French culture. And we don't have it here. You cannot find it. You can't find the right stuff. and actually my aforementioned Bella who loves Rennie's also loves making like trying to perfect the perfect flan and it took her three years wow but she's done it and she just about did it just about oh yeah it's do you know what I'm talking about this flan stuff no really I can imagine it like an egg custard-ish yeah but then turn left the egg custard yeah but avoid creme caramel right that's exactly it yeah I know that looks like a cheesecake it looks a bit it looks like a Basque cheesecake it looks like a Basque but tastes nothing like a busk.

1:14:57Ed Gamble: It's much eggier, it's much more wobbly. It's got a cheap sort of layer of pastry at the bottom which is kind of soft. I'm with you. But the middle of it is just unbelievable. Vanilla flavour? Vanilla flavoured, eggy and very, very sugary. Very sweet. Yeah. Well, I really think you'd love it.

1:15:13James Acaster: Yeah. Well, I love an egg custard. Yeah, me too. If it's like the ultimate high-end egg custard. I don't know if it's high-end. I think it's a relative of. There's more of it. You get a lot more of it. Like Guy and Greg? Like related? Yeah. Like about that distance? It's an egg custard cousin. Egg custard cousin. Oh, custard cousins is... Custard cousins? Yeah, we can't say that. Egg cousins also feels bad. Custard cousins is like a sex thing.

1:15:36Ed Gamble: Is it? Cousin egg. Cousin egg. That's nicer, isn't it? Much more wholesome. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, so that's ruined flan, isn't it? But that's my favourite, that would be my favourite thing. I could eat a whole, it comes in triangles or a slab. You can get a whole slab, sort of like two or three foot. Like a lot? Log. It's like a log. Yeah. A caterpillar, a flan, flatterpillar. Flatterpillar?

1:16:02James Acaster: Flatterpillar. We call it Colin Caterpillar because it's like, no. You want, like a French name really. I don't know any French names with C. French for Colin. Yeah, what is French for Colin? I bet it doesn't exist. You know how people say it's not a German word for sluffy or that, just a joking blackadder. But like, French. It's probably not a French. Colin? Colin? Colin? Colin is probably that's the best Benito

1:16:26Ed Gamble: I've got

1:16:28James Acaster: see Greg when we have like a professional radio host on yeah they know that they have to translate for Benito as well yes because we know Benito's not going to put himself in the edit so we have to say what he says but you're the first guest who's like caught on to that without having to be told right and it's like okay Benito said it I should repeat it to the microphone because he's not going to include himself in the edit

1:16:50Ed Gamble: well look you two know that I am a fan of you two in this podcast but I have the most amount of respect in the world for people who produce audio. The producers are, oh my God. I immediately meet Benito and I was like, this guy, this guy's just amazing. He's a legend. Yeah, he is. Yeah, it's his project really.

1:17:08James Acaster: We're just living in it.

1:17:09Greg James: We haven't even brought up Longboy. We haven't even talked about Longboy. Oh my God. You know, and as it was going on, I was like, I'm loving this episode. It's going really well and I'm not going to, I'm not going to halt the rhythm to talk about Longboy because we have to explain Longboy to our listeners. There's a long boy chapter in the book, actually. Fantastic.

1:17:27Ed Gamble: In fact, you feature. Have you got the book there? Can I read? It's right behind you. Oh, wow. It's in the book. I'm in the book. You're in the book as well. Yes! Hang on.

1:17:37James Acaster: In fact. For the listeners, Longboy was a duck that Greg and all of his listeners were very obsessed with. The world was. The world was. Mainly Greg and his listeners. All right. And the duck passed away, but then a rumor started that Ed Gamble had eaten Longboy the duck.

1:17:54Greg James: on Great British menu. Because it was a runner duck. There was runner duck on the menu. It was a really delicious... Yeah, there was duck neck.

1:18:00Ed Gamble: It was a really delicious... So that's when you were on the breakfast show. I called in. You called in to give a character witness of him. Yeah, yeah.

1:18:06James Acaster: Yeah.

1:18:06Ed Gamble: And you said something like, and he'd eat again. He wants to eat... He wants to eat pudsy. That's what I remember you saying. Yeah, you see, yeah, yeah. I was going to eat pudsy. Yeah, pudsy bear. Yeah, yeah. He was going to eat pudsy bear. I can't remember why. Yeah.

1:18:18Greg James: It was around children in need, I'm with you. Well, because he was an innocent animal.

1:18:21James Acaster: Yeah, yeah.

1:18:22Greg James: And then I think I said I was going to eat Barney. And I was replying to a picture you put of Barney on Instagram with a knife and fork emoji.

1:18:29James Acaster: So then what we... In my memory, you photoshopped a salt and pepper shaker over Barney's head when he was asleep.

1:18:37Ed Gamble: You played the villain so well. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, people don't fear me, but they do fear Gamble. Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Tell me about it. I mean, I fear him now. Especially animals. But you featured in... We did this, maybe the best thing I'll ever do was that I did a state funeral live on the breakfast show for the duck. And we did the Lord's Prayer and you were in it. Deliver us from Ed Gamble. For thine is the kingdom, your long neck the glory forever and ever our friend. As we forgive hoist sins, as we forgive those who hoist sinned against you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:19:07James Acaster: Worth it. Yeah. Worth the whole journey of like, speaking about him for years. For that. When you get that line, you go, there you go. There you go.

1:19:15Ed Gamble: the Ed Gamble reference is because there was a strong rumour that he ate Longboy on an episode of the Great British Menu he has never denied this and in fact fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat pudsy from Children in Need and then my dog and then I say page 238 he's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted that said I do really like his podcast off menu

1:19:36James Acaster: and look here we are

1:19:37Greg James: that's good there we go I'm not hearing

1:19:39James Acaster: a shout out for me oh yeah

1:19:41Greg James: James didn't listen to a single word that you said there because he was waiting for his own name. Furthermore, great, here we go. He's making this up. I also like James A. Kester.

1:19:51James Acaster: Yes, the end. Good book. Good book. Available now. Go out and buy it.

1:19:56Greg James: Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. James is going to read your menu back to you now.

1:19:59James Acaster: It really was a pleasure.

1:20:01Ed Gamble: Thank you.

1:20:01James Acaster: You like tap water and no shame we should be attached to that. Thank you. You want poppadoms. You want marmite cheese on a crumpet as your starter. Grilled cheese. Main course, fettuccine Alfredo from Alfredo's in Rome. side dish a secret steak and you want pizza for the table

1:20:17Greg James: with cousin Greg

1:20:18James Acaster: sorry cousin Guy cousin Guy will be there who calls Greg

1:20:22Greg James: cousin Greg

1:20:22James Acaster: yeah for the for the secret steak yeah but around the table is Bella Cahill and Kearns yeah drink a big bottle of Brunello and dessert Flan Parisian beautiful I'm happy that's good that does sound nice

1:20:38Greg James: that is a Gaviscon meal it's sponsored by yeah yeah yeah you're bookending it

1:20:42James Acaster: with some Gavis but like that's that's a very nice meal I won't surprise anyone the flan is what I want the most there Greg thank you so much

1:20:51Greg James: for coming to the Dream Restaurant it's been wonderful to have you thanks for inviting me I've loved it

1:21:00Greg James: thank you very much Greg for coming on the pod so lovely to see Greg James lovely to see him great menu great chat yeah

1:21:08James Acaster: loved it little bit of long boy chat at the end but he didn't

1:21:11Greg James: Wasn't on his menu. Put runner duck on the menu, so... He didn't have secret runner duck. He had secret steak, but not secret runner duck. Oh, what if the runner duck was so secret

1:21:20James Acaster: he didn't tell us about it? Oh, yeah. What a secret ingredient, but he kept it secret from us. He flipped it on us. We've been got. What if his cousin guy was like hidden where the coats all get hung up in the colloquium? With a duck in his pocket. A little duck in his pocket. And Greg would go, I'm just going to go and check on my coat. And then we'd go, just be fed. Yeah. Be fed a bit of runner duck.

1:21:41Greg James: That would be typical of Greg James. Don't forget to go and get Greg's book, All the Best for the Future. It sounds great. I'm mentioned.

1:21:49James Acaster: Yeah. So just, even if it's just for rereading or listening, if you're getting the audio book. If you love reading my name written down, it's a great book to get. As is Glutton. Oh yeah. Because your name's written down in that.

1:22:01Greg James: We can't be plugging my book in the bit where we plug Greg's book. But yeah, you can get that as well. Andy's on a book tour. If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, Wednesday, October the 1st, you can go and see him in Glasgow if indeed there are any tickets left and there's still another date in Leeds to come. I would say October 2nd,

1:22:20James Acaster: tomorrow if you listen to this as the day comes out, he's going to be knocking around somewhere in between the two because very unlikely he'll be coming home to London. So if you want to catch him in the wild on his day off and chat to him, you know, somewhere in between Glasgow and Leeds, I'd say, he'll be breaking up the journey.

1:22:36Greg James: We always like to do, we always like to give you listeners as a little opportunity to interrupt our guests' privacy.

1:22:42James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, disrupt their life on their day off.

1:22:45Greg James: Didn't say run a duck, of course. Didn't say run a duck, and we're glad. If you live in some European cities, I'm on tour in Europe. I'm coming all over the place. Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Rotterdam. Or anywhere. Yes, not Rome. Even though I'm annoyed now I'm not doing a tour date in Rome because I could have gone to Alfredo's. Yeah, it would have been great. But as it is, going to Amsterdam, and I think going to go to Ron Gastro Bar yes eat the most hyped up dish yeah I've hyped it up too much I fear yeah but that's perfect because if it's delicious I'll be so happy if it's rubbish I mean it's love telling you it's bad

1:23:22James Acaster: yeah and I imagine I'll learn that on this very podcast you'll save it for you'll just drop it on me yeah I probably will actually

1:23:30Greg James: during an episode yeah devastate me I'm also touring America next year edgamble.co.uk for tickets for all of those I'm going all over the place in America James so I need your at least one must have dish fucking hell Benito one must have dish in every city because you've been to all of them

1:23:48James Acaster: well they'll all be ice cream when you go to Seattle go to Molly Moon's I am doing Seattle actually great go to Molly Moon's and get the cobbler ice cream

1:23:56Greg James: okay

1:23:57James Acaster: Benito's hovering over the stop record but he seems to think that we've just devolved into a normal chat we would have off the podcast which he could be

1:24:05Greg James: correct could be correct or he's about to sneeze again or fart or something

1:24:08James Acaster: Yeah, he's about to sneeze and fart And do a backflip At the same time Burp Do everything at once See you next week See you next week Hey,

1:24:28James Acaster: I'm Alison Spittle And I'm Fern Brady And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu I think in my episode I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I'd take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday, the 10th of February.

1:25:05James Acaster: So please listen and subscribe.