Guz Khan

0:13Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the peanut butter of conversation, enrobing in the milk chocolate chocolate of humour. letting it set in the fridge of podcasting you got yourself peanut butter cups podcast James in robin in robin come on that is Ed Gamble my name is James Acaster together we own a dream restaurant every single week I love peanut butter cups every single week we invite a guest that we ask in their favourite ever star they're going to kill me I think side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Guz Khan Guz Khan is a wonderful comedian writer actor presenter he said everything I mean goodness we're going to talk to him about something he's presenting the guy does everything he does absolutely everything he presented a show with you about what happens if Home Alone was real how would you survive the traps and did they spoiler warning they're both on this episode hey I know some people who watch that every Christmas Science of Home Alone look I'm not having a go at it yeah yeah classic show do you mean they watch Home Alone though no they watch the Science of Home Alone yeah who's doing that me and Kurz who's doing that my nephews oh James Guz is presenting a new show yes called Guz Khan's Custom Cars on Quest on Quest Mondays at 9pm he's a petrol head he's a total petrol head he loves cars and you and I are both petrol heads of course as well so we'll probably talk to yeah we'll probably we won't even get to the food today we'll be talking to Guz too much about petrol how much we're driving and popping wheelies yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah talking about oh, what do you like better, BMW or Mercedes?

1:56For all four items. But we might not even get on to talking about cars. If God says the secret ingredient, we've got to kick him out of the restaurant. Gone. He's gone if he says the secret ingredient. And the secret ingredient today is Mo Beans. Mo Beans. Mo Beans. Because did a very funny show, a sitcom that he wrote, and starred in, called Man Like Mo Bean. Yeah. Mo Bean. Mo Beans. Mo Beans. Yeah, so he can have beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if he asks for more beans... He can't have any mo. He can't have any mo. Yeah. So watch out for that. Watch out for that. Hey, and watch out for me if you live in America.

2:33Yeah, you better watch out for Ed Gamble. He's coming your way. I'm coming your way. I am doing an American tour from sort of middle of February through to the beginning of March, going all over the place. A lot of shows are sold out or are selling out, but go on to endgamblenoco.uk for details. I'm hitting up a lot of the big cities. Funniest show ever. Oh, thanks. Benito's feeling ill. I'm feeling ill. I'm on top of the world. Let's do this. This is the off-menu menu of Guz Khan!

3:13Welcome, Guz, to the Dream Restaurant! Yes, thank you for having me. Welcome, Guz Khan, to the Dream Restaurant. But it's been a year for some time. This is a very nice place. Cozy. You like it? It is cozy, isn't it? It used to be the set up where there was a table and stuff, but we got rid of the table and we were like, no. Yeah, a lot of wood. It's a lot of wood. Scandi-ish. Yeah. It's a bit Scandi. Scandi vibes. And Benito looks quite Scandi. Yeah. Scandi. You suit the space, I think is what we're trying to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much, very much. I'm unsure what that is behind Benito's.

3:45It sort of looks like it should be shelves, but there's nothing on them. I would have an appropriate use for that. Yeah? It is a Pokemon PSA card holder. Oh. Yeah. You get Pokemon cards off. Are you into the Pokemon cards? Yeah. Big time. Yeah. Do you not know that? No. People say that. It's disappointing. I don't know why the perception is that I wouldn't be into Pokemon cards. Pretty cool guy. Pokemon's not seen as... Pokemon cards are cool now, I think. I think so. And there's also large amounts of monetary value involved in the world of Pokemon and Pokemon cards. Okay. Money laundering. What's your most expensive?

4:19No, no, swear on. I'm not even blagging it, bro. I'm blagging it. You turn up, right? So I've been to a few of these shows. Yeah. And you turn up at a table and I was expecting like, I don't know the name, Philip. Yeah? Yeah. And I was badging that. Maybe he's doing like some Pokemon cosplay. Yeah. Bro, there were man then behind these tables like, yeah, so what are you looking for then, guys? And I was like, first of all, where you come from? He's like, why are you asking me where I'm from? where the fuck you come from? So, and it's all cash transactions. Right. There's no card transactions. And some of these individual slabs, which could be very easily placed in there, like six, seven grand a slab.

4:58Wow. I didn't have the money, but I'm just looking at man them, they're big guys, bro. Yeah. Just like, yeah, no, I'll shake your hand at 18k. Pokemon. But they say Pokemon. You have to say Pokemon when you shake hands. They did. Yeah. What's your most expensive card you got? The individual card? Yeah. About two and a half grand. And what is it? Charmander? Good guess. It's not a Charmander. It's a poncho Pikachu. Wow. Yeah. He's just wearing a poncho and there's a bare Japanese writing on it. So I've got that. I think it's two and a half grand. It might be a bit more now. And there's another one called the Van Gogh Pikachu.

5:36And it's just, he's been painted like a Van Gogh style. A Van Gogh or Van Gogh? I think I've said both in my life. Yeah. I don't know which one's right. Yeah, yeah. What I'm saying is, if you missed the boat on this Pokemon feed it's too late now isn't it? Yeah we've missed the boat. You missed the boat. If you're hearing about an investment opportunity from someone it's too late to get involved I think. Do you think so? Yeah. No that's definitely you. Yeah 100%. I believe it's me but to be fair to me it sounds like it's from a phone that I forgot was in my pocket. Yes. So I have two phones. That's your Pokemon burner.

6:10This is the Pokemon burner? Yeah. This is the one that I put on silent. Yeah. My mum calls me on this one. And this one is, I don't know really who this is for. You don't know who that phone is for? No, not really. But it's on silent now. So what was the, did someone message you there? They did. So someone knows what that phone's for. Someone knows, but I didn't. Incredibly guilty right now. Because this is like, I feel like I overshare a lot. I shouldn't have overshared about the man then. If that's how they clean their drug money, just enjoy yourselves, boys. Through Pokemon. If that's how they do it, why am I telling their stories?

6:42So now your burner phone's gone off. Suddenly you're not judging people for what nefarious stuff they might be doing. You know what? Let's just live and let live, guys. I agree. What if they're not using Pokemon to clean their drug money? What if they're in drugs to afford the Pokemon? They might just love Pokemon. That's a documentary. Yeah. Isn't it? I would like to know, like, that's the depth that you have to go to. And by the way, on a serious note, there are a lot of kids, just kids, who want to open a packet. Yeah. And now that pack, RRP, is£2.95. Yeah. But then the man didn't swoop in, 60 quid a pack.

7:20Because you might find something rare in that. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's like, like everyone's, have you noticed, everybody that like is doing well at the moment, there's always like a gambling sponsor behind them. I find out with my kids. You know, the kids be watching the streamers and the Twitters and the Kicks. And then like even a good one, I'm like, oh it's just fine I get why you're watching this guy doing these crazy backflips and at the end he's like stake.com really and my kids are like let's download that I'm like they're not downloading but they're all promoting gambling yeah isn't that sad though that is sad like if you're going to sell a t-shirt I'll be like you know what you lot buy his t-shirts I like that you're supporting the guy but at the end he's always turned the phone around he always turned the phone around like press these buttons and it's like a little fun kids game so all my kids are like nah it's just fine I'm like no you're going to lose your dad's house let's not do this yeah you'd end up in big trouble I don't know so do you buy the packets of Pokemon or do you just buy the individual cards well I tend to purchase booster boxes booster boxes have 36 individual packs inside and when they're sealed and unmolested they increase in value exponentially yeah but you can get burnt I bought a load recently went down in price my son keeps an eye on this 4 % down oh no but some of the boxes bro, I bought for like 140 quid in lockdown.

8:41Yeah. Three and a half grand now. What, you've still got them? You've not touched them? You've not opened them? You can't touch them. And it's weird because I'm like, sometimes I say to the kids, I just rip these boxes open. They're like, are you stupid, bro? But then, but you... It's good, it's good. They know... Why don't you just sell those ones that are like three and a half grand now? Because they might go down again. Nah, thank you. Now we are in the realm of greed. And this is another, this is another important thing. Yeah. This is a point that I find teaching the kids about this is good because I'm learning they're little greedy fucks like the dad as well.

9:11Yeah. Because they're like, dad, there's loads of profit in this. Look, this is a key word to teach a kid about business profit. Loads of profit. I'm like, shall we sell it? And they're like, no, let's wait till it goes to 50 grand. It's never going to go to 50 grand, greedy little fucks. You know that and I know that. But we're in this together and it's really interesting because like, you know what I teach kids about like, when we were at school, they never taught you about limited company. What's HMRC doing? It only takes 10 minutes to say, in the fuck all they don't teach there's your algebra and all this shit no one's ever used it but with the kids it's like a really good way of like that Pokemon card you bought it's going up now it's going down you see this worry in them I don't know I think it's a key skill yeah yeah it's also a good lesson to teach them as well I think if you sold it then you get the profit yeah but if they want to hold on to it they'll be like well it's definitely going to go up it's going to go up forever and then watch that crash out it crashes down yeah it's kind of fun to see something yeah they'd be crying on that sometimes like yeah I told you You love the Pokemon cards.

10:08I've also heard that you're a big fan of cars and automobiles. I think this comes from poverty. You know when you're growing up, there's things that your mum's spending money on, bread, milk, things like this. Cars are very far away from, like, what you might be able to enjoy. Now, what's your... Do you drive? I do drive, but I've just got rid of my car, actually. What was your first whip? Tell him about why you got rid of it. Why you got rid of it? Oh, because I never drove it, so the battery kept going flat and then I checked one day it was full of mould. Oh, you really don't drive it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:41Because the seal on the front door had gone so every time it rained it got more and more humid in there and then it was full of... The seats were covered in mould. It is so... He's laughing at your mouldy-ass car, brother, doesn't he? He loves that. It's not nice. It makes me laugh. And luckily it was parked a little bit down the road. It sounds a bit classic-y. What is it? Was it classic? A Ford Focus. Oh, that's not classic. That's just a car. how do you let the Focus get moulded how does that get moulded it's got rubber seals and all kinds of stuff yeah but the seals came off I've noticed it quite a lot on that model of Ford Focus focus because there's a couple further down the road did it mould you use Focus as well well no because people are driving them and stuff and cleaning them but I've noticed that the seal around the same door actually has come off on theirs as well I was driving around for a bit and I heard like and that's a worrying noise for a car it's that kind of fun noise and then I got out and realised that the seal had come all the way out and it was flapping behind me like a big tail and like beating on the back of my car it's mad it's sad that obviously your car went mouldy and you thought where did you sell it like we buy any car where did you take it to a scrapyard oh you didn't even get any money for it no no no no I got 250 quid beetle beetle will give you that it turns out it's easier to because I filled in the online form of the scrapper and they called me back straight away they were like we'll come and pick it up are you in tomorrow I was like no I'm not in tomorrow they were like it's alright we do this thing called contactless pickup just leave the key on the wheel and they'll get it for you so I just left the key on the wheel and no one's gonna nick it because the battery was flat and then I went to open it to get stuff out of the car that I'd left in there turns out it was open anyway you didn't take very good care of this car so I love cars as well and I'm looking forward to your new show about cars on Quest good cars killer cars I feel like I should have called it good cars mouldy cars can we just stick to the focus for a second Yeah, sure.

12:34So, Ford Focus. Yeah, the battery was dead now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had it replaced multiple times. Okay, and Basile had gone. What year was this car? 2013. So, not an old car, by the way. That's old, man. No, bro, like, not by the standards of some of the shit cars I saw when I made this show. Like, it was 250 years old, some of them, like, finished, bro. Just in someone's garage, bro, in Corley. 12 years. And you scrapped it, due to a seal and a faulty battery. No, I know it's mould, but there's people you could just, like somebody came and scrapped your car. Yeah. You could have caused someone to steam clean it.

13:11Yeah, yeah. 2013, how many miles was on the car? Oh, I couldn't tell you.

13:19How many people are going to be upset where you just scrapped an economically viable car because you couldn't be asked if it was mouldy? How much did you pay for the bloody car? Eight grand? You should... that was back in the day though I'm shocked if my kids were here they would be saying fuck this man yeah worth profit and loss my kids would be disgraced with you but also you've scrapped the fucking eight grand car for 250 you left a key on the wheel I left my wellies in it as well so you add that on top well for people who do like cars who may be listening that is sinful bro because that's cash money you've just thrown in the bin but also can we all take into account it was causing me a lot of stress.

14:04I'm very busy at the moment and also my time is money. So I made, I profited quite a lot of time. Okay, no, I get it. Yeah. And I was losing a lot of face on the street because I think people had started to realise it was my car. Don't ever let people shame you into this kind of thing. No, but it was disgusting because it looked like a big bit of stilts and sat on the side of the road. So I'm going to get a new one now. Can I do something specific? Yeah. 2013, we're going to find out about how much these go for. right now. I already looked. How much? Well, I don't know. If you want more information, the parcel shelf wasn't in there.

14:39Okay. So that takes a couple of grand off. If this makes you feel better, yes. Yes. If this makes you feel better. It's a huge amount. You made me very upset, bro. Yeah. What should I get for my next car? Doesn't matter, because whatever it is, you're going to buy it, and you're going to scrap it when the window gets steamy. There's another kind of stupid reason to scrap a car. just scrap it how would you pay for it Ed? 40 grand it's got steamy windows scrap it yeah it's really upsetting bro yeah I know and it's all fair enough did anyone tell you the only thing is about this car is like my wife would have told me off right?

15:19even if I made a decision did anybody tell you off? my father-in-law told me to get it cleaned and get a new battery and then sell it what a wonderful man your father-in-law and then I thought about all of that but you're right time is money people don't understand that concept yeah money's money as well though yeah it really is money's also money well that's well yeah well you might enjoy the new show yeah yeah because I met honestly it's not called Gus Khan's Killer Cars though and James said it was called Your Killer Cars it does you know most of it was right well just if he'd let me get away with it he did yeah most of it was right it's because he doesn't know the name of the show because he looked over at Ben after you said it to check this out well that's what it was called but sometimes we've been changing names quality cars Custom cars Guz Karns Quality cars Is it called Guz Karns Custom cars Custom cars Yeah And now The thing unfortunately is I like killers better Right Yeah So maybe we can speak to somebody It's just a graphic Yeah yeah It's just a graphic It's like clip art They'll just change it quickly You know what Ed would do He'd realise he doesn't like the title He'd scrap the whole show That'd be it Yeah Straight to the bed So this is so Bro honestly I'm trying to hold it down Stop reminding him Stop reminding him really sad that you did.

16:31Like, I can't, because my perception is you're intelligent, you're funny, you're something, everything in the beginning. It's all true. No, it's not. You're a disgrace, brother. Right, well, you've totaled loads of cars. Have you? Huh? Have you smashed three and off cars over? Yeah. How many? Three. What do you mean? Between the ages of 18 and 25, I wrote off three cars. What were you? This is, I like to hear these things eh Castee what kind of drug fuel bender were you on smashing cars in Kettering Cyprus is a judge yeah I haven't driven a car in 15 years you're a menace I was meant to drive a van there's something menace here about you bro I feel like a track day I went to Northampton to do a drifting track day on this show which is not far from us is it I feel like it would bring something out in you dangerous I wouldn't be able to I wouldn't like it I thought that as well I couldn't fit in the car.

17:28I was really fat at the time. And like, the man was like, I'll just get in, mate. And I was like, does it fuck it? Does it look like I can get, I'm not doing this on purpose, mate. While the cameras will be waiting for six, six minutes, I was being like, six minutes. And I was like, I'm too fat to get in the road cage, man. It doesn't matter if it's 26 minutes, bro, I can't do it. So I did it. When I get in the car, eventually strapped in, was really exhilarating stuff, you know, drifting. They're very talented because like, they're all doing it in tandem. It's like a ballet.

17:57And the other guy like pitches his drift based on his back bumper. Like this. And then before you know it, four or five cars are going... Were you actually doing... Did you drive it and did the drifting? I didn't do the ballet beat. It let me on my own. But I did. It was quite a good day. Would you like still or sparkling water? Still, please. Do you guys... Can I make an assumption? Yeah. Sparkling. I do have sparkling quite a lot yeah I was with Morgana Robinson last night what do you think about me we know each other well enough what do you think I would have sparkling for I know what he's implying I would hope he was drinking still but you are like you experiment you experiment with music you experiment with comedy you experiment with water that's my yeah that's my yeah yeah fair enough you know what I'm saying experimental it's a compliment yeah a little bit yeah a little bit of compliment a little bit of compliment a compliment for me I know what he's getting I'm trying to smooth it over oh okay see it a mile off yeah it's judgmental yeah no I just sparkling it just tastes funny so was Morgana drinking sparkling yes yeah classy lady oh god yeah you say that but like no I mean like you know it just it feels sparkling water feels to me like trying to show off.

19:26Right. Because how does water come out? Come out. How does water come out if it comes from the mountain wherever it comes from? Where does this, it doesn't come out all freezing. I think there are some places where you get naturally carbonated water. Naturally carbonated water. But it tastes like the one in the posh bottle that Morgana got last night with the blue lid and the guys all acting like it's wine. Like, pssst, is this for you? Maybe not that, actually. Isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I think most things, the way they come out, fluid. just crack on that's interesting so I'm going to remember this for the rest of the meal that you only like fluids the same as when they come out yeah well I mean yeah this is a stupid thing to say I mean water you mean water I mean water I just want to mean water it's a natural product if you feel like you don't want anyone messing with your water yeah like I don't like the aspartame sugary water pisses me off what one's that?

20:22the ones where it's like fruit flavour to it and stuff. Yeah, I completely agree with that. Those are the worst waters. Really bad waters, touch of lemon, whatever. The strawberry ones are the most disgusting. Yeah, fuck that one. Who is drinking? We had a guy once come to our house and he was working on our house. I think he was doing, actually I'm not going to say in case he's listening to this. He's a builder. But he'll know, yeah. He'll know who he is. He's drinking litre bottles of strawberry flavoured Volvic just constantly. Just racking them up and I was like, it stunk as well. Yeah. It stinks, that stuff.

20:57That fake straw beef thing. I was like, that's... Right. How have you not put that on silent? You switched the pocket. You took it out of your pocket, you put it in the pocket with your other phone and you didn't put it on silent. What did you think was going to happen? No, well, this is... To be fair to me, look, I'm trying to turn it on, look, and the screen's not even going on. Can you see? Right. I can see the screen's on, it's just the brightness is very low. you're right and you've got sunglasses on yeah for the listener so that may be why it looks like it's off yeah there you go the screen's on there I feel like it's not a message it's a notification what a stupid phone what's a notification for can you put it on silent note look bro I really had to operate the issue wasn't if it was a message or not his confirmation it's now on airplane mode yeah so any two tools that come through now Tutu's not my fault then.

21:53Airplane mode should dictate no more tutu's come through. So if it's... Just to remind you as well, I've got two phones. Have you heard anything from the other phone? No, a peep from the other phone. Yeah, but that's still your phone. The other one is still your phone. No, but I'm saying enough. You can't go 50 % of my phones aren't making a noise, so I win. How does that help your case? Because... Why was it going tutu then? Tutu, I don't even know, but it looks like it's got a Nescafe logo at the top right. I didn't even drink coffee, bro. is it to tell me next coffee is in the area what kind of shit notification is that a note on a food podcast wow maybe because it heard you say you like fluids the way they come out straight in there ok we're on airplane mode if there's any more noises then how is this my fault sorry for your listeners to have to hear this no no no problem I don't know

22:46absolutely awful Poppadoms or bread, Coscan? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms. He thumbs up, mate. James normally does that bit, but he lost his voice recently, so it was my job to do it today. Why? Why? I swore it out. It's a virus. Yeah, but doing too many pods, too many gigs, lost my voice, so Ed's doing it for this week. Well, you did it very well. Every time he does it, he says to me, I'll do it now. And then he does it and gives me a thumbs up afterwards. do you make you feel away when you hear him say no it's supposed to be a surprise he shouldn't say I'm going to do it now to me he leaves a massive pause and then he says I'll do it now and then he does it well I also lied it's not Papadoms it's not Papadoms yeah I don't even know why I said Papadoms I think I said it because I'm Asian and there's no need for it yeah I'm just being honest with you yeah Papadoms are like oh yeah maybe I was saying that it was a test it was a test yes I think bread what kind of bread yeah Brioche Brioche I thought you said blush No not blush bread But there's all kind of bread bro Can I say something Before you start talking about What kind of bread First of all Bread's not good Bread's not good bro Bread's got a lot of sugar Yeah Let me tell you something I'll tell you personally Because I have to You're my boys I have to tell you personally So over the last three months I've lost three stone in weight Which means I was bro You've been trying to?

24:12Yeah I had to But it was taking a piss So I filmed this thing I watched it back And I was like you fucking big bastard. Yeah? I said it by myself. Not acceptable, right? And I'm not really bothered about the way I look to be honest with you. In a sense that I like to make sure I'm dressed properly for you guys and I look smart for you guys. This is important. But like fat and arse, tits, I don't mind. I'm all right with it. Yeah? I've got five kids, I've got a wife, she seems to love me, I'm all right, back on. But it was bad because the health situation was bad. I couldn't really realise because I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I do eat like a bastard yeah so when you start breaking down bread I'm like it's a bread bro how much sugar is in bread?

24:55a lot of sugar in bread yeah now we're talking rotis yeah now we're talking naan we're not just talking normal naan we're talking pishwari naan you know what pishwari naan is? yeah yeah big time we chop it in half we put in is it desiccated coconut? is that what they call it? mm-hmm is that what they call it? in there kishmish kishmish is what's the English word for? Sultanas Sultanas Honey Close it Put it back in the tundoor Put extra honey on Cut it Butter laki Panchot Pow Now you're Now you're Eating it Every night And you don't Because no one In the restaurant You know when you go to the restaurant now And I'm like Oh let me just have a look I have calories that's got in it Yeah Blueberry muffin 320 calories Like fuck me mate That's a lot of calories do you think the uncles give a shit about what calorific intake is they don't give a shit there's more and more kishmish more and more coconut honey how much sugar is in honey I didn't even realise you know people say honey is good not when you fucking do half a bottle of a naan mate well it is sugar isn't it it's just sugar bro so bread is bad but I do love it bread is bad but I love it you want brioche no because naan is a bread so let me choose pashwari naan you've got to choose pashwari naan after you described it like that You've got to choose it for your dream.

26:15But do I have it? This is what I'm saying to you. I'm saying this is what it is. Or maybe have it if you're a sensible consumer of food. But I found this very serious thing. I was actually okay. I was athletic. I used to box all the time. And in the pursuit of this stupid thing called success, I just started eating like an idiot, bro. You understand? Because I never stay in London. I don't like staying in London. I don't like staying away from my house and my friends. and my family and my kids so you asked us to do this podcast in Coventry in a fucking pub I did and you refused no no I understand no no you know I appreciate the fact that you said no yeah because most people would be saying yeah yeah yeah but for perspective have a great time because it's owned by my mates and you're having a laugh and you know but anyway whatever you said for coffee is what it is so we're here now in this Gandhi studio with a Pokemon card holder so see this is a thing people don't understand about we all do stand up comedy right and people are like aren't you lucky they say just like that there's people who say aren't you lucky I'm like yeah but no sacrifices come what's sacrifice driving home from London Manchester you get into Carve now now you got a choice do you go sleep on a hungry belly or do you call your friends at the restaurant I invited you to but you said fuck off I'm not doing a podcast there do you call your friends do they keep the restaurant open at 1am for you 2am for you and put on a spread Wagyu steak Potatoes This can give you The sensible things And then Ras Malai comes out Have you ever had Ras Malai French toast I don't think you have I've not This is the problem We got into So now we're finishing Gigs 2am And we're having food Like this every day Then this is why It's bad It's bad eating Late as well It's bad Like You see And people are going to be like You're a fucking Idiot Gus Kam My name is Gus Kam But they say guys can't how the fuck can you complain but I have to complain because it's part of the game innit it's part of the thing that I fall into this bad habit of eating all this luscious food because your adrenaline's up you all know what that's like innit are you supposed to fucking finish your gig go home just lie in bed watch what channel is brother is my TV show on Quest you don't go and watch Quest you don't go and watch Quest you know you can't you're on a high now you're with your friends and the food is coming but why do you know it's coming how many calories shut the fuck up gus you know about calories eat the naan this is what I found myself in so so yeah this is I thought I would just make that point because I don't know if you two have experienced anything similar you know after you're coming home late what is there yeah every night every night it's just rubbish isn't it even if you're trying to be sensible your brain like why am I punishing look at all these nice people that came out they had a good time we did a good thing we made people laugh tonight how nice let me treat myself yeah what with a Ravita no mate What a shit treat.

29:13You want something. You know what I mean? This is what I found myself in this sticky situation. I get bad food hangovers now though. What do you mean? I will get the equivalent of an alcohol hangover from eating loads of food really late. When I wake up the next day, I feel shit. Do you think that's age? Yeah. My uncle was telling me about this. So he's like, if he eats certain foods past like 10 o 'clock, he just lies in bed sweating all night. He's probably got the health issue. I'm going to get a check out if you listen you're not going to listen but like you know I think food does affect you at different ages yeah definitely we're all the same age isn't it 40 yeah 40 next month 39 yeah when are you 40 March yeah we're all the same we're all year 11 we're all year 11 same time year 11 same time we're all year 11 we're all year 11 we're all year 11 yeah we're all year 11 yeah and I think it's like I also you know what I also worry when it comes to food and like people who have really good control over it, they're quite boring.

30:14Yeah. Do you understand what I mean by this? They don't live life on the edge. They're not interested. Do you live life on the edge? Goose, do you think, is that? Yeah, like I said to him, like not like, wait, what's that? Hold on a minute. What's the edge? Well, I think you're defining the edge, right? You define your own edge. Yeah, I'm very impulsive. Yeah. And my wife, she's like, it's very impulsive. so like I'm just we're gonna live in Tokyo I think next year right that's impulsive isn't it yeah yes so I think that's living on the edge yeah I mean because we've got five kids and you know like she's like for goodness sake mate have you thought this through though yeah I reckon the value of those Pokemon cards is gonna go down in Tokyo yeah I think so yeah they got way more there it's not as rare there yeah I don't know if it's racism but you have to remember something about Pokemon cards as well Japanese Pokemon cards where the whole thing began are worth less than English cards, yeah.

31:14What? Sad, isn't it? Imagine that, bro. Imagine you two come up with Bishwari Naan, yeah? And in the streets of Kettering and I take it over to Pakistan and I say, look at this, bro. Sick. And people are like, no, it's great because it's from Pakistan. It's much better. You lot made the Naan in the first place. Sad, isn't it? I feel bad for the Japanese. Naan was invented in Kettering. Yeah, and I took it Pakistan and just because I took it Pakistan and the perception is like, ooh, ooh, isn't this fucking better why same card same pictures same everything just one's got Japanese one's got English one's got English one triple the amount of money appalling especially in Japan I guess as well if you sold the English ones in Japan yeah that's just rubbing it in I would never do it but the quality of the Japanese collector's cards are going to be better because they keep everything perfectly there thank you and even on that note even the card the cardboard quality that they use in Japan far superior to the American stuff so why are you moving to Tokyo because all I heard was we're moving to Tokyo because we've got five kids which is I've never heard that as a bit of logic before you know how it is bro we're going to get into some stuff now you know how it is life is short isn't it yeah bro and I say this we were all in year 11 one minute ago don't lie it feel like one minute ago I thought we were still in year 11 no no we are in our hearts but we're not middle age man no bro we're finished bro I'm saying like it's gone so quick me and my wife have been together a long time and I was just like yo before it's game over tap out go on ICU let's do as much fun stuff as possible and she's like what about school and I said it's a thing school is a thing but are the kids going to have more fun balling around Tokyo with us on the circular loop system I don't even know if it's a real thing it's like trains and we're all going to circles are they going to have more fun doing that or learning King Henry VIII I think they're going to have more fun in Japan yeah yeah I think they probably will so this is what I'm planning to do so when you see living life on the edge I think that's pretty edgy yeah but I don't know Japanese look at me just saying I'm assuming there's not much people who even look like me in Japan I think that's a fair assumption I think you're right I think it's you know largely Japanese people there right I'd say I think no I think so I think it's a fair assumption to me I mean we've both been and I certainly saw like Japanese people my fair share of Japanese people yeah good good I want to see what it's like I heard the air quality is really good I've seen TikTok videos about how goldfish live in the um like it's just a puddle okay and there's goldfish in it and they live they live very happily I want to see I want to live in a place like that yeah they've got a fucking goldfish in the puddles in Cove mate 3D Mario Kart 3D married?

34:06There's lots of 3D. Do you understand what I mean? So like, if I'm saying, if every few years we go and get this new experience, that's quite dramatic, isn't it? Yeah. With the added thing, if it was just me and Amorine different, but five kids, that's like, oh, I mean, I'd say having five kids is life on the edge. Yeah. Regardless of where you're living. You say that. I was on the one show yesterday. Uh-huh. There was a man from Hartlepool. His white brother. and Alex Jones said you're one of 14 and we were like 14 what? he's got 14 brothers and sisters on one show I said from the same mum and dad you got 14 then he said yeah and he was a bit like you can tell probably he's had that reaction many times but I was really I couldn't believe it now you say fives a lot I'm sitting next to my man there bro 14 brothers, sisters Catholics probably they absolutely my grandma was one of eight.

35:04See? Yeah. Irish Catholics. Maybe it's a guy, I don't know. Maybe the moment that's just on it, I don't know, like it could be any number of people. Yeah, but that's beyond on it though, isn't it? Yeah. 14. There's almost got to be overlap. Yeah. Maybe some people, some people, I've seen, no, you always see them documentaries, bro. They're not all Catholic. Well, maybe not. In America, we just got like, it's a very Catholic thing though, isn't it? Like, it's an Irish Catholic thing to, because you can't absolutely pump them out it's either nothing or the pull out method what's your dream start August

35:46we're just done with the kitchen finish I'll start as it depends it depends on the mood I'm in really to be honest with you yeah okay what kind of mood am I in today yeah even though I won't eat them because I'm trying to stay healthy yes hot honey tenders so deep fried tenders drizzled in hot honey some of the best ones i've had are in the middle east don't ask me why just the lebanese brothers just be wham bring them out tasty bro like next level tasty um and they're usually accompanied with some kind of like masala fries sounds a bit mainsy doesn't it yeah but you know but you're sharing it around i didn't you know what i didn't really eat on my own no like now i feel weird i come down here i'm eating on my own find it very strange i don't really even know what to order because usually no problem bro when i am eating it's sneezing sneezing sorry for sneezing but it's sneeze alhamdulillah you're okay so like when i eat i'm never eating on my own minimum minimums i'm eating with me i'm reading five other people yeah so when we your kids yeah yeah usually them not yeah and you know it's a big everyone's like ordering so but they love the hot honey tenders they love the um masala fries in the middle east had Tanzanian masala fries wow had a different kind of flavours on there very interesting stuff bro very tasty have you ever had Tanzanian no inspired fries no they're like they're not fries bro they call them like mogo chips have you heard of them oh so it's not actual potato no it's a different thing bro yeah yeah I've had that before is it called cassava maybe okay yeah deep fried fries is it the same thing the mogo yeah cassava yeah yeah yeah cassava but it was length we did a TV show together once and when it was time to eat, you'd always knock on my door and sit in my dressing room, happy food.

37:35Yeah, I thought it was nice. It makes sense, don't you? Social while you're eating. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't eat alone. You guys like... I completely agree with you. It's nice to eat with other people. How was James every time you knocked on his door? Yeah, not a big... He wasn't very happy. It was nice to see you. Yeah. It was nice to see me, but I could... Like, you perched on the edge of the sofa and I was like, oh, he's not comfortable. because if you've got a big leather sofa there and he's sitting on the edge of it like waiting for me to finish like a little bird yeah I could tell you he's uncomfortable did that make me return to my room no no but I wanted the I wanted the company to win yeah not this reclusive yeah dinner eating bro this is shit bro what's that bro but we used to mock the week together we'd eat eat dinner together didn't we that's nice sometimes yeah sometimes when I won when I got my wife yeah yeah sometimes I'll be like I've got to work on my material yeah would you say that so you just like eating a loans of finger you all say I can eat on my own but I like eating with other people as well not by the sound of it that's not what I felt like when you were perched at the edge of your sofa it's not true in lockdown and we were all there together I don't know I just I think food tastes better when you're chatting and isn't it I agree I agree with that and what I love about it as well is when you're all sharing stuff and you can all taste a bit of everything.

38:59And you can come out and be like, I'm not even that full, but I tasted so many different things today. Yeah, this is good. And also, like, I don't know, I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but like some of my friends growing up, they've got a plate of food and there's a chip there. And you go and pass it, yes, and then you just have a chip. You do that, you just... Yeah, it happens. But I don't mind when people do that. If I'm sitting and eating and you two walk past and you're just like, wham, take a handful of mogo chips and you're just eating. I'm not going to get angry. I'm going to be like, yeah, eat, bro.

39:32Eat. But some people get really annoyed by that, don't they? Don't ever do that again. So you would walk past and just like grab a chip off someone's plate? Yeah. Not a stranger. When you say it's a cultural thing, do you mean it's a good thing? Or do you feel like it is a cultural thing? No, I mean a cultural thing. Like the area we grew up in. Right. I can't remember anybody get offended about like, let me, of eating your peri-peri chips, bro. Like, let me ask permission to kind of eat some of your peri-peri chips. You'd be sitting down and everyone's having a laugh and stuff and someone would go, or wing, or like, they'll break a chunk of your chicken off and just eat it.

40:08Yeah. I'm used to that. I would go insane. Oh yeah, you wouldn't be happy with it. But you know, you know that, you know I'd go mad. What is it because of fingers? I'd love to see it, but I'd hate to see it. Look, it's my food. Yeah, I don't get that. My food that I ordered and then in my head, I've planned out everything I'm eating and I can't wait to have all of it. And I've done all the planning in my head of how I'm going to eat it. And then people come along and mess up the plan. Right, I was on tour. Right, we were at the airport. Asking my tour manager what he wanted. I was on the Nando's app.

40:41And he said, oh, I'll have this burger. I went, do you want anything in it? And he went, yeah, can I get halloumi? So I was like, yeah, halloumi in it. Ordered my food, which is half chicken hot halloumi, the new creamy corn and broccoli. I go to the toilet, come back, my halloumi's arrived. He's fucking tucking into that. You are not happy. I was like, that's my halloumi. You're not happy. That's my halloumi. He went, no, it's my halloumi. I went, it's fucking not. I ordered it. He said, I want a halloumi. I went, that's in your burger. That's not even here yet, mate. When this burger arrives, are you going to take some halloumi out and give it to me?

41:14You'll still be angry about it. Then his burger arrives. they've put my pot of gravy on the plate before I can do anything he's dipping a chip in the gravy I'm like I wouldn't have thought so mate because he said oh I wanted the Christmas one but they didn't have it and that comes with gravy so it still had gravy in my head a likely story you're fired I was going to ask this brother you're not your manager anymore no kicked him out of the airport and it's difficult to leave an airport after you've gone through security this is why I want to mention this this is what I mean I just wouldn't be I would clearly be a nightmare of yours no because I think you do it in a cheeky way and I think you can pull it off I think if you just went whoop and took a chip I'd be like oh you oh that's not fair though no it's not so that's a skill based thing life's not fair he wasn't skillful charisma charm you got charm it's true you're a charming man yeah but I like when we go out one day to eat I would just I'll order something and if you just start cracking off the plate I don't I think it's nice I think it's good sharing plate's fine individual meals you can't crack off the plate unless someone offers you a crack off the plate.

42:19And even then, if you're going, oh, do you want to taste some of this? That's a lovely thing to do. But then the other person has to go, oh, do you want a bit of mine? Like, no, that's why I didn't order it. I don't want it. You see, look, this is a very stringent set of rules. Yeah, yeah. I feel like the thing that we're going to, we're just going to miss each other on here. Yeah. It's the permission element. Yeah. When you start bringing permission, like consent into it. Yeah. Food. no clip it up food clip it up just food I think like you know what I truly think I think in my heart I'll be like I'm not really friends if we're really friends because you'd be able to take food off my plate yeah yeah without permission 100 % but it works vice versa yeah I would feel like he's not going to put you can you can put your hand on my plate because this is what I've remembered as he's saying it goes vice versa the friendship he's coming into my dressing room to eat his food because he wants to be around each other when we're eating food.

43:18I tried to invite myself to his house once because he was going to have a big, big, big meal. He said no. What? It was Eid and he wouldn't let me. Okay. I was like, I can come. He said no. Remember that? I don't know. I've got a few. I've felt sad in my heart. Also, why are you inviting yourself to people's family occasions? I wanted to meet his family. You've heard so much about them. Eid is in March. Yeah. I will not be in the country. I won't be in Turkey, but I won't be in the country. You two are welcome to come on the plane. I'm going to put the food I put on for you. You'll never forget it.

43:55Obviously, my kids will be eating out your plates and stuff, but that's a separate issue. Yeah, you've got to deal with that. I'd have to deal with that in your house because that's what you're doing, right? But I've given you pre-warning, isn't it? Like, you ain't pulled up to the house and my kids are like, yeah, fuck you. Like, it's not, they're not going to do that. it's going to be in a loving caring way no because knowing you you'll get all your kids to say fuck you and take stuff off my plate they'll all come up to me one by one and go fuck you you'll trade them to do that exact thing and then you'll be in the window just laughing is it bad that kids swear no I think it's hilarious it's funny we can swear you because I'm not they do it can you work your dream main course into this answer yeah I can actually yeah yeah yeah

44:43I like main courses. They're good. So kids swearing. No, what's my main course? Very interesting question. Because it depends on how I feel. Yes. I love my Pakistani heritage. I love Pakistani food. Now, if it's being prepared at home by an expert, like auntie, uncle, whatever, I will have like salin salin is basically curry salin depending on dialect lavan right and there's so many different types of salins and curries that can be cooked right but I don't really get to enjoy that much anymore because I'm always on a move and always on a so I like for mains chicken shish kebab mutton chops lamb chops right but they have to be cooked in a tandoor style when you cook them in this tandoor sal you maintain all of the juiciness yeah and you can have several different types of flavoring that go but even this guy was telling me depending on where they put it in the tandoor the more chargrill it is gives it obviously like different flavor but when you keep it further up the tandoor you maintain all the moisture in the meat so my mains would be either Pakistani or I really like Iranian, like Khubideh, I think it's called Khubideh, where they get the keema, the mince meat, and you have a chicken and a meat and with a rice.

46:14So like, that's my kind of vibe. It has to be, like the Iranians do like more saffron-y rice, you know, it's got a different tinge to it. If it's Pakistani or Afghani, it's more like Balao. Like I wouldn't do a biryani with that. I think that's a bit too much. Biryani is its own art form. but those clean juicy meats in a sheesh tandoor style with with like a clean rice that's my means delicious and you know what's mad like we spend a lot of time in the middle east right and in the middle east there's a lot of people uh from south asia regionally different villages different bro you ball up to a restaurant and the taste of a kebab at one restaurant versus the other one down the road there's such a difference bro there's such a difference in the it obviously you've got the spices that go into the the kima the mincemeat when they're when they're putting it together but it's even like length of times and cooking stars and like the kind of coal and the wood that's at the bottom of the door it's mad bro i've been enjoying that yeah i've been enjoying i think yeah it's just my favorite sort of food like juicy grilled meat with the spices and mutton and lamb so you get to do a little comparison on that flavour difference and the thing is there's loads of different ways you can enjoy it is just nice with rice but like if you're really going for it like a hulking cheesy garlic naan that when you get your fingernails and you rub it over the top of the knife it's going it's all it's all like crispy and firm on top but inside it's all juicy and you're taking that and now you're getting the kebab.

47:55You're eating hands, by the way. Yeah, yeah. This is a big problem for Momdani. Momdani was eating with his hands on the internet and everyone said, you fucking heathen. You bastard. Eating with your hands. Do you eat pizza with your hands? Yes, I do. Chill out then. Just chill the fuck out. Just chill the fuck out, lads. Like, there's a, there's so, it's so much tastier to eat that kind of food with your hands. Do you get what I'm saying, bro? Don't usually, I don't, I wouldn't be dipping on your plate you know if it's like that I wouldn't dip on your plate because I've been licking my fingers you could keep your plate you could maintain what's in your plate because I've got respect to the boundaries you know what I'm saying thank you but like eating eating that kind of food with your hands there's nothing like it bro on the floor on the floor yeah floor setting you're going to love Tokyo you're on the floor are they they love sitting on the floor yeah do they yeah traditional Japanese restaurants like in a tatami room yeah sick I mean I don't know I might be I don't think they've got much they don't look like a kebab-y country I don't think so I mean there's yakitori which is like grilled meat like a hot pot no no no like grilled meat you just go to these restaurants and they've got like some of them have got live fire some of them have just got little like a griddle and you just do it yourself yeah oh that's nice yeah I had a guy do me a real nice lobster on there once where do you where are you going huh lobster yeah in Japan in Japan yeah Did lobster on the yakitoria grill?

49:22Crazy. I think I'm a bit allergic to lobster. Have you ever done allergy tests, you two? No, never had allergy tests. I'm only, that I know of, I'm allergic to horses and oxytetracycline. Is that an antibiotic? Yeah. Got bad acne when I was a teenager. Really bad acne. I was really down about it. And my mum was like, we'll go to the doctor and sort some me out for your acne. I was like, thanks mum. the doctor gave me this oxytetracycline I took it horrible rash on top of my acne shit that's not good man no no I wasn't wasn't a happy guy did you ever bro yeah yeah oxytetracycline yeah man forget that one what a shit antibiotic you done allergies no I haven't done the test I'm not allergic to anything as far as I know that's what you think socialising am I right

50:12bro you're 100 % right yeah you're 100 % right fucking absolute wanker like so the reason I mention this because it's related to food is I would say for years ooh I had that pineapple bro that is funny bro and I was with Alan Davis in a field and he's cutting up pineapple and we're all eating pineapple and I've bit it now and I've gone ooh my tongue bro is doing a mad one because I've been eating pineapple for years and he went I think you might be allergic to pineapple and I was like shit Alan Davis so I just carried on eating pineapple and I also noticed that when I have ginger, something funny, I also noticed when I eat Ferrero Rochers, something funny.

50:58Right? So, well, that might be hazelnuts then. Yes. Yeah, not Ferrero Rochers. Well, this is the only time I'm eating hazelnuts. Yeah. Ferrero Rochers. Yeah. So, when my allergy test came back, guess what? in red pineapple yeah not Ferrero Rocher hazelnut yeah and what was the other one I said ginger ginger you've got to remember this this is your job to remember your dog is allergic you're right all them guess what else I'm allergic to and my I walked to my mum's house I said mum you bully you bully me said for all these years I am allergic to dal dal lentils said it all dal said in red I took the sheet to my mum I said mum you said I didn't want to eat your dal all them years because my body was repulsed by it it wasn't me my body was rejecting your dal because it's a big thing in my house everyone's like this idiot doesn't eat dal everyone loves the kind of dal and you know the way mum's cooking it is lame but every time I eat it I'll be like I'm going to be incensed by this it's the stupid face you're doing I'm like this dal might be so funny dal allergic ginger allergic Ferrero Rocher allergic pineapple allergic why were you in a field without them?

52:11was it for Taskmaster? no I saw another show but he was yeah but I'm glad he said it because that's the first time I ever even occurred to me I might be allergic to food because he's like that's not that's not normal that your tongue's swollen I was like look at my tongue it's gone bigger you showed him your tongue yeah I showed him my tongue yeah I showed him my tongue he really tried to guide me through it yeah to think you're allergic and I wanted to reject it because I was like allergic to food what kind of behaviour is that yeah what effect did did the lentils did the lentils have on you like vindication I meant physical effects when you're not calling it out you're allergic um bloating yeah which is mad ain't it because like obviously being Pakistani being Saad Asian everyone's like dal is the healthiest dal is oh you don't want to be healthy because you don't want to eat dal every time I eat dal yeah I would feel it that's mad ain't it yeah allergic to milk as well but not caramel milk remember that That one just right at the end.

53:14Yeah. The most common one. Yeah. But why is this, man? Not camel milk. Not camel milk. So how have you found that out? It was green. Camel milk was green. Oh, they put all that on their form? Yeah. So camel milk is green. All the other milks is coming up. Orange, red, there's another thing. And I tested it. I drank one litre of camel milk. No far good. No bloating, nothing. That's crazy, isn't it? Yeah, you've got to have camel milk and everything. I still have milk's hard to avoid. but like back in you know before this diagnosis some ice cream smashing it that milkshake smashing it I've reduced that and I swear that it's made a difference yeah it will do yeah she's mad ain't it because you're allergic to milk yeah why is it why is it stupid my body's stupid that's stupid why am I allergic to milk that's a ridiculous thing you're lactose intolerant yeah but that's ridiculous but whether it's ridiculous or not it's true yeah I know you're right Of course it's going to help if you don't eat.

54:11You're right, but I'm just disappointed. Like, what's my body? What is he doing that for? Yeah. You're not lactose intolerant. No, no, no. He's taking a piss, bro. Like, I was really annoyed at my body. Yeah. Yeah. Like, the genetic makeup of it. Why is this shit? Fucking allergic to milk, bro.

54:35Dream side dish. Does it have to be sweet? sweet sweet side dish no it's not sweet side dish do I have sweet side dishes bro all the time it doesn't have to be anything whatever you want it to be your side dish but normally I guess side dish is the savoury so I'm surprised here does it have to be sweet but you can have whatever you like is a side dish usually savoury in my world I'm not talking about your world in my world do you think I've ever had I don't do you think I've ever had a look at no I don't think I've ever had a side dish. What's the heck now? Would it be like people pick chips a lot, people pick, you know.

55:16Because you'd basically have been explaining this stuff. For the start, there was already chips in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would assume what you're asking me is how I'm, like, composing the meal. Yeah. I'm having the sides all over the place. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to the restaurant and be like, oh, yeah, let me look at the sides, mate. I'm saying, let me see that menu and let me decide when it's all coming out. You understand? Maybe I have my maybe I have my dessert at the top and I have my sides at the end. Maybe that's how we be feeling. You understand what I'm saying?

55:47Sides? Well, let me just talk about childhood if you're talking about that. Like you will have a chicken filet burger. Yeah. Double filet. Not with cheese. Can't have that anymore. Where from? Dixie chicken, chicken cottage. This kind of place. These are like Midlands places. I know in London they got Morley's and all this kind of stuff, but we didn't really mess with it. No, we had favourite chicken. Favourite chicken? Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, favourite chicken is a bit of a banger. So Dixie, chicken cottage. So with the filet burger, you could have like barbecue wings or you could have like peri-peri wings.

56:23But like, I like my, if you're going to term them as sides, I don't really agree with this statement, buddy. If you're going to, if you're going to term this stuff as sides, it's got to be like, it's got to complement the main meal. Do you understand? Like I'm not trying to eat a chicken filet burger and then look like oh mashed potato that's shit if I'm having double chicken filet burger it has to be like wings thigh this kind of do you understand what I'm saying? more chicken yeah more chicken more chicken yeah fries as well with a chicken burger I don't really define that on the side how are you going to have a filet burger without the fries anyway that is ridiculous that's like my lactose intolerance it's so stupid yeah sure I would do that I don't think I'd have fries Right?

57:06No, I'd just get like the big fillet burger, the one with the onion ring in it. That's a good option. And that would be it. Just that. So you're going into Boss Man's shop, he's putting the burger together for you, and on the rack there's wings and legs, and you're not tempted. Ribs. Ribs are favourite. Ribs are... They're not good though. Not from them places. So solid. Well, yeah, side is a good way to define it. Yeah. More fried chicken in this sense. But you've got the stuff in the tandoor. So the side for that is going to be the fried chicken. Yeah. Okay. What's wrong with that? Well, just because you did a long speech about how the side has to complement the main.

57:48So if you're having a chicken burger, you would have fried chicken. And then even when you said my side dish is more fried chicken, but you can't say it's more fried chicken because the main is not fried chicken, right? Well, I've just changed my mind. What are you talking about? let's just call it more fried chicken that's what I'm going for I know I previously I said a statement previously which is it has to compliment the main I would like to retract that statement I would like to say half a whole half a chicken fried half a chicken fried yeah can I just check as well I remember I'm sharing this meal you know I know it's not mine let's judge you of how much it is the starters fried chicken as well right it was yeah chicken tenders so it is more fried chicken Hot honey tenders.

58:32Yeah, he's more fried chicken. He's more fried chicken, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So why is the meal so far? You've got the... Well, you've got your... Hot honey tenders. Hot honey tenders with fries. But not today fries, it was the mogo chip. The mogo, yeah, yeah. Then the tandoor stuff. Where did the pachewari naan come from then? That was the bread. And the bread at the start of the call. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Then you've got all the tandoor stuff. Yeah. The mutton and the lamb and the chicken. More chicken. Then you've got, on the side... Chicken thigh, chicken wings. Deep fried chicken. Deep fried from the chicken shop.

59:04With like a selection of spices. Yeah. Yeah, like spices. Yeah. Dixie chicken don't really do the spices, but you can bring it for your house. Yeah. You know what I mean? What spices are you putting on it? Like you've got them shakers. They've just got the peri-peri stuff in it, right? But I'm telling you, like this, that flavoring they put, that Tanzanian spice blend that they put on the, you put that on the chicken out of Banga as well. Yeah. That'll bring it all together. and bring it all together yeah

59:36your dream drink water sticking with the water just plain water yeah because now I remember I said that statement as well just I'm happy with so is this just because you're doubling down on the statement that all fluid should be as it comes out yeah I am so you just don't want to move away from that but there must be another drink that you like that you'd be like absolutely maybe orange juice that's how it comes out orange juice yeah with no more additives maybe a fruit juice of some sort I'm not going to pick you up on it if you want to pick I feel like this is turning into an investigation no soft drink plain water as intended no sparkling and potentially a fruit juice or fresh but not a mango juice mango juice mango lussie mango lussie now we're getting into it can I just take a step away from the whole double downing thing yeah mango lussie is bad bro sick honey have to have it camom milk but like mango less camom milk camom milk but this is the dream restaurant and you know you said you don't mind a bit of milk now and again yeah yeah fine so faluda you know what faluda is no oh my god it's a drink but it's a dessert right and faluda is ice cream cream rose water it is an unbelievable drink see me up what's the what's the English translation for the word semya I don't know what it is bro but very thin it's not pasta bro it's very very thin vermicelli okay yeah yeah okay they put vermicelli in there you've got ice cream like kulfi like ice cream not freaking you know kulfi like ice cream and it's slightly melted so you can drink it through a straw but you are invited to eat it with a spoon so it is a bit like 50-50 you get a straw in it but you get a spoon as well then depending on which region of Pakistan you're in they'll put like Pakistani sweets over the top wow and Faluda with the rose water with the vermicelli with the kulfi ice cream and the creamy milk that is a dangerous drink I have had one of these you had Faluda?

1:01:41yeah did someone else pick this? Mawaan there you go Mawaan had this Mawaan knows what's going on how would you feel if I walked over with my own straw straight into your Faluda and I took a sip of it no permission I wouldn't sack you as my tour manager. Like, I wouldn't do that. Yeah. I might be like, yo, but like, you know what I know? I would just be like, I have it, because, yeah, I wouldn't fire someone and make them cry at an airport or whatever you did. I'm just trying to find your line with the food sharing thing. No, no, no, I didn't know. I told you already, I'm good with it. So, you had a fluda.

1:02:20What kind of fluda do you have? Can you remember? I think it might have been roast water, because that's one of the things you said that made me go, oh, you know, I think I've had that. You can have mango variants. When he said about the vermin celli stuff, I was like, oh yeah, I have had this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. I mean, it's mad rich. Yeah. But it's a fun drink. You know? Yeah. If I want someone to come into my world, I'd be like, I need to try this for nine, try this for a day to leave. Like, oh yeah. We're a Coke. What if I pick Coke? Oh boy, yeah, I'll have a can of Coke. How boring is that?

1:02:50A lot of people chose Coke on this. How boring. They did no prior thought of this. Yeah. neither did I but the point is on the spot I came up with faluda I was about to call you out on that I'm a truthful guy yeah would you would you would you rather faluda or a can of coke zero this is ridiculous yeah yeah in the picture that we're trying to paint here yeah any drink that's basically a dessert that gets my yeah of course it's so of your strength would you say a milkshake is the same kind of thing yeah a drink dessert yesterday so we got a new fridge freezer yesterday yeah we were out in the day out in the evening and what the people had done who were like sorting out and got all the stuff from our freezer put it in these freezer bags you know but they just left them outside the house when we got home they were there and I was like I've got like three tubs of ice cream that were in that freezer I looked in they'd all melted to milkshakes I drank one of them oh right there on the doorstep on the doorstep huh Ben and Jerry's strawberry cheesecake just drank it out the cup that's what people do when they're trying to put on weight for films that's fun I'm doing the opposite of what you're doing why don't you go indoors why don't you go indoors tis the season

1:04:09that's a delicious drink though guys that sounds amazing right yeah I feel like I feel like I won't take a movie after this show you're choosing the Faluda over the mango lassi yeah yeah I think that's good I feel like a lot of people have had mango lassi but Faluda might be We've had a few lassies on the pod. But yeah, it's nice to have a faluda back. Bro, you need to come for a faluda, bro, one day. Yeah. I will.

1:04:35Your drink dessert. It's interesting because I told you over the tract of things, I like to put things at different parts in the menu. Some would say the boshwari naan, kishmish, honey. That's the dessert. And that's usually how I enjoy it. but I would like to go to a specific meal at one of my best mates restaurants in the city of Coventry. And he came up with the idea of a French toast. And it's not a slice, mate. It's a loaf of it. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking wedge on it. Yeah. Thick. And you know, when like outside so crispy and then you squeeze it, you know, and the steam comes out and on top he puts four rasmalay.

1:05:19These are homemade Rasmalai not from the box bro it's a different experience right yeah have you have a Rasmalai before no I don't think I have Rasmalai is like a pillow of sweet heaven okay okay it's milky sweet condensed milk with a little bit of almonds in it but it's like a Rasmalai is a pillow of beauty and when you buy it it's of course it's milky really like Rasmalai of course it's milky but it's got like a certain texture to it where it feels like your butt. You know, if you were like, oh, I wish a cloud tasted like this. That's what rasmalade tastes like. Rasmalade tastes like the cloud in my head.

1:05:57So he puts the rasmalade on top of the loaf of French toast and as the milk drizzles over and you cut into it, bro, that is the baddest boy dessert I've tried in many, many years. And it's on the menu of this place? Yeah. What's the place called? Oh, the farmhouse in Coventry. Farmhouse. Big Up Sunny and Vic. big up the farmhouse and like that's a dessert you can't get anywhere else yeah because you're gonna go you're gonna get a Ras Malai you're gonna get but no in that whole world of fusion bro for anyone listening to this who has had Ras Malai before they're gonna back me up on it I should have bought Ras Malai this is what I should have done and we could have just tried it here right now but I assumed you two would have had Ras Malai before yeah yeah I'm ashamed but hey next year I've got some tour dates I'm in Birmingham for a few days I reckon in the daytime I can say to my tour manager let's go to Coventry before the show tonight don't trust those guys what?

1:06:57you won't get even one bite of that French toast that's true you'll go to the toilet you'll come back you're like where the fuck's my rest of my life French toast I defy them I'm stranded in Coventry can't get to the gig and I won't give you a lift no and you shouldn't no but I still remember how you tried playing me on this podcast try playing me on this podcast bro you can't you're welcome to my house to eat forget outside eat anytime both of you thank you such a terrible reputation you tried to give me I'm not even like that as a person I'm gonna come see you in Tokyo yeah I might not be you know it's impulsive I might not even be there but like if I get there I'll tell you yeah if you go to Tokyo I'm gonna come and visit you there just come Middle East first I'm spending a lot of time there at the moment and I would love to take you on a by the way can I just both thank you for coming to Walthamstead to do those gigs well it was Guz Khan and Friends it was and I just want to say you didn't show up to James's I got there he showed up in the end he had his own car problems that night he was stuck behind a biscuit lorry he had blown up

1:08:01didn't you have to it's true climb over the barrier on the motorway and like run to the gig yeah I did and you know I was sitting in the back of the car calm I was like and then I was like this is life you're going to miss a gig you're going to miss a gig what's all the fuss and then I made a call to see what I'd be financially liable for I was out the car bro I was jumping fences walking through cow shit and we made it in the end but I really liked it because like this is this is this is the beauty of this industry isn't it bringing people together new people's meeting each other a lot of guys some Walthamstow bad man were in the audience they were both very impressed by you two I love that I love the fact that Walthamstow bad man's mind was open he's like yeah man that man is sick you know looking like I swear to him that man looking like lawyers and that but they're sick you know yeah yeah okay guys I'm going to read you your menu back now see how you feel about it you would like still water you want peshwari naan starter hot honey tenders with masala fries main course tandoor style chicken shish kebab mutton chops lamb chops with rice side dish more fried chicken drink faluda dessert loaf of french toast with four rasmalai from the farmhouse in Coventry that's a good meal that's a good meal I really want that french toast yeah I really really want it.

1:09:17My genuine offer is any, any time, just pull up. It's not even far. Yeah. Coff's not even that far, is it? So just pull up, bro. Any time, day of the night, we'll go. It's better when you just do it like, good, we're on our way. Yeah. Let's do it. I mean, the main course as well. Yeah. That kind of meat is just the best. Exceptional. But anything else? How's life? Pretty good in general, you know, just getting over losing my voice, but it's pretty much back now. You got to have operations doing? No, I don't think so Nodules or I don't think it's nodules Have you had that checked? No I didn't have it checked I just lay in bed for a few days or you know watch Westworld with my mum It's quite rude What?

1:09:58Westworld's quite rude Oh yeah there's a few sex scenes in it actually I've forgotten You were in bed? I was in bed in my mum Okay It's rude enough but you wet in your bed like Westworld's rude to watch with your mum but it's a lie it's a second bro all dicks out everywhere Don't watch that with your mum Thank you so much for going to the dream restaurant Gus Thanks mate Thanks Gus

1:10:20Well there we are James What an app with Guz Brilliant That could have gone on For hours and hours and hours Yeah You really tried to Like Rain on our parade What? We were having great chats And you were always like Oh what do you want For your main course Come on But he was flashing up His fingers at me Come on How many minutes we had left Yeah You know I've got to split a lot of plates Yeah You know Every time you've got a responsibility Like like, shout poppadoms or bread for the first time. It wasn't the first time. That was, like, the fifth time I wanted to do it. Yeah, so you're constantly messing that up.

1:10:51I didn't mess it up today. I'm on top of my duties. I didn't mess it up today. You did the whole I'm going to do it, and then you did it again. That's not messing it up. I still did it. It's not doing it properly. I didn't say poppadoms or head, did I? No, well done. Oh, sorry, Ed. Well done for not saying poppadoms or head.

1:11:11Apologies. Are there going to be any more that I have to do? I don't think so. That's a shame. I think we've got enough time off now before our next one that I should be able to start screaming again. Yeah. But it's nice that we've done about five. Yeah, probably five. Where you've said poppadoms or bread. Yeah. Well, the first two, you gave me a lot of leeway because you were like, you told the guest Ed's going to do this now. I normally do this. So it was a bit more, but these three were like my proper go at it. I actually think the first time the guests did it for themselves. Oh yeah. But it's about five episodes.

1:11:41So, and they're going to go out at different times. Yeah. So tell us the five. Yeah. Tweet the off-menu official. Yeah. Or Instagram, whatever you want. Yeah. And Benito will send you a sign chopping board if you're one of the first. And you've got to be quick. Yeah. 50 people. And same with James's trousers. All the episodes where James has got breakfast wrap on his trousers. Yes. That's three episodes where I've got breakfast wrap, poured down the left leg, and a little bit on my right leg of my trousers. So you've got to watch the YouTube. only the first 150 people who get that right get a chopping board only the first 150 so you gotta be quick yeah but like and it's very tricky that one yeah because Ed is wearing a different top for each episode because he's changing it up but same trousers and socks so you and trainers yes so we're gonna figure it out I'll put the same outfit on yeah and the breakfast wrap is down my leg I don't know why I change outfit for multiple records in a day when you don't well because there's no point so I sort of do it to be like, maybe we could pretend this is a different day.

1:12:43Yes. But you're in the same thing. Yeah. But it means you look nice in every single one. But you look nice in every single one. Breakfast wrap all down me. Yeah, but they don't really film. It's sort of waist up, so I think you're sort of fine on the trousers. Now, that jumper is a real peach. Nice jumper. It's a really nice jumper. Yeah. So, I think you're going to look nice in all of them, and I'm going to look like a... But you're like three different types of nice. That's great. I look desperate. also I've got a cold for all of them today yeah yeah so yeah I may have a different top on but there's probably a big fucking bit of snot hanging out of my nose probably while you're getting told off for your car yeah getting told off for my car I look like a bog body Guz did not say Mo beans yeah he did not say he didn't even say beans no so completely if anything we should give Guz another episode yeah as a result he's getting another episode yeah there's so much more to say it only took us what seven years to set this one up so yeah and literally you know some guests took a long time to get them like at a point where they were promoting something and we could do it we have consistently tried to put this man on our podcast and it just hasn't worked out so this is like he was meant to be one of the first ten guests yeah probably yeah but finally we've done it we did it we did it everyone we did it we all feel very proud of ourselves Ed's tour in America next year watch Gus Khan's custom cars on Quest I mean I wish you and Benito a speedy recovery you're both very poorly you're touring America next year I'm touring America January de Feb Ed and I are ships in the night no I think we might be in Vancouver at the same time it might even be one day when we're both in Vancouver and we get to see each other that'll be nice pretty cool if that happens Ed I'm going to take you to Rain or Shine and we're going to get blueberry balsamic ice cream that ice cream is one of the top five maybe in the world yeah it's good it's so good okay bye everyone okay bye sorry we forgot you were there

1:14:59hey i'm alison spittle and i'm fern brady and you might remember us both from our episodes of off menu. I think in my episode I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I'd take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday starting Tuesday the 10th of February so please listen and subscribe