Harry Enfield

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1:17Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the Kit Kat of conversation. sliding the nail of humour along the foil of friendship and snapping off a little baton of chocolate wafer podcast.

1:33James Acaster: That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest to ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Harry Enfield. Harry Enfield. National Trej. We're National Trej territory. National Trej territory. Absolutely. we grew up watching Harry Enfield big time you know if we were allowed fantastic so many comedy characters that are iconic I had a video of Harry Enfield and Chums yeah that was huge for me yeah massive absolutely massive so excited to have Harry in the studio today we've had Kathy Burke of course who was also in the show and worked with Harry a lot we just we need White House we need White House and then and then we're into the Farshow territory then you've got to get all that lot in.

2:21James Acaster: Yeah. We've had Arabella. We've had Arabella, of course. And when I saw Arabella, like maybe a year after, bumped into her and she said, she said, you don't remember me. I was like, I do. I do. I knew who you were before we had you. It's like a pretty big deal, Arabella. Yeah. No, no, no. You don't know who I am. But we're very excited to have Harry and Harry is on tour doing his show, Harry Enfield, and no chums. No chums. No chums. One day that could be this podcast. Yeah. Benito. Just Benito and no chums. No, it's called Just Benito. It's called Just Benito, yeah. And it's just, he still doesn't speak.

3:00Blank chairs. Just completely blank chairs. Does his clap before. Yeah, and that's all you hear.

3:05James Acaster: That's his record. Like the podcast he used to do with Harry Hill. Oh yeah, he did actually. Where it's just a noise. He did make that. You can still find those online if you want to find the Harry Hill Makes a Noise podcast. But this is not the Harry we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about Harry Enfield. go to feign.co.uk for tickets I think there's a bit of a retrospective to it he'll be doing some characters but we can talk to Harry more about that when he comes into the Dream Restaurant but of course we will kick him out if he says the secret ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable and this week the secret ingredient is Fab Lollies now if you don't remember the smashy and nicey fab adverts then bad luck because they were brilliant they were brilliant Harry and Paul doing the characters smashing and nice.

3:49James Acaster: The radio DJs. Radio DJs. Kind of based on like Tony Blackburn people like that. Yeah. Really funny adverts and fab lollies are delicious. Yes. So you know not being kicked out because we don't like fab lollies. Because he might have picked fab lollies because he got sent so many fab lollies that he got really into them. Yeah maybe it was a great time and he's now like it's my favourite dessert. It'd be a shame to kick out a comedy hero James. Especially for a lolly that's very nice that we've chosen because of adverts that we thought were funny. Yeah. but there you go that's the we've made our bed this is the final episode of series 15 everyone rest in peace series 15 I'm on tour next year 2027 Fresh Hell is the name of the show edgamble.co.uk for tickets tickets are on sale now it's a funny show man so funny snap them up snap them up like a crocodile sorry Benito that wasn't your clap that was me doing a crocodile I know you thought that was your clap we would never take that away from you.

4:48James Acaster: No. This is the off-menu menu of Harry Enfield.

5:00Welcome, Harry, to the Dream Restaurant.

5:02James Acaster: Thank you very much, Eddie. Welcome, Harry Enfield, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you very much, James. I've been expecting to come here for some time. It's been a long time asking. Well, we're very excited to have you. We're delighted to have you here, Harry. Thank you for having me. We've said beforehand that my partner this morning was like, Harry Enfield's so cool. She's never met me. She's so excited about it. You were the coolest. When we were at school, not to make you feel old, but like you were the cool comedian. Yeah, well, you are very young compared to me.

5:35I looked it up and my career is as long as your lives. Really? Wow. Yeah, I started Spitting Image in January, I think on about January the 12th 1985 I started doing voices Wow So you were three days old You were three days old

5:53James Acaster: He knows my birthday Yeah you're right Yeah I also do Yeah yeah I know everything about you Oh dear Oh dear I had to get my dad to My parents wouldn't let me watch your show No too rude Too rude But all the kids in my school were quoting it Non-stop And I was saying to them You know I never really usually did this but I had to say to them, listen, this is making my life difficult at school. I have to be abreast of this. It's like everyone's speaking a different language and I can't keep up with it. You need to help me out. Like, meet me halfway here. So they... As a kid, so using the phrase, meet me halfway here.

6:29Meet me halfway here.

6:31James Acaster: So my dad would watch it the night before and record it on the VHS and then the next day would show me the sketches he had deemed I was allowed to watch. and that would give me enough of the lingo in school to get by in the day. Oh, well, that's good. Although I think it would have been more character forming for you to not be allowed to watch it at all. Yeah, have to just be completely screwed up at school. Also, surely the ones at school that people were talking about the most would have been the ruder ones, right? Yeah, because that was the most exciting. So I'm there going like, just quoting Mr.

7:02James Acaster: Dead. But they're like, yeah, but. I'd forgotten about Mr. Dead. That was Dave Cummings. Do you know Delamitri? No. The band. Yeah. Oh, yes, okay. Yeah, he was a bass player in that, and Lloyd Coles. Sorry, guitarist, Lloyd Coles. And he said, how about doing Mr. Dead? He never really took off, but we loved it. I would say that it might have been like a clean sketch, but I would say it was the most disturbing sketch on that series. Yes. He lived in a box. He looked like a horse. He's dead, of course. Because it was Mr. Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the 50s. what was just cynical yeah because I loved I loved Mr.

7:42Dead as well but I don't think I had any sense of what it was based on so for me it was just the most surreal brilliant thing in the world it was just a dead a dead guy in a stable yeah

7:51James Acaster: a guy punches him in one of the sketches he doesn't like the fact that Mr. Dead's staring at him so he wants to punch him and Mr. Dead goes okay but you'll regret it and then the guy punches him and obviously just goes like I think pretty much into his chest and he goes I told you I'd punch you and he goes, I told you, you'd regret it. Your dad like, yep, that was fun. Yeah, you can watch that one. I don't remember that at all. It was great. I think you made that up afterwards. I wish we had done that. I remember there was one, he's in the back of the car in his coffin. You know, it's a lovely old conversable, sort of Chevy or something, and we're in the front of the policeman.

8:30Morning, Bob. Morning, Mr. Dead.

8:34James Acaster: It's good stuff. There was a whole school assembly where one of the classes, it would take it in turns to do the school assembly each week. And one class, they just did the whole assembly, was sketches from Harry Enfield. But like, you know, they're twisted on it. And we have to pay for that through our taxes for education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, that's terrible. My kids weren't allowed to watch it, just to let you know. Right. I mean, obviously, it stopped going out by the time. They were born in 97 onwards. and I didn't even tell them what I did. You know, I'd just go to work. I'd say, Dad, come back and stop doing interviews, anything like that.

9:11I didn't want them cursed with that kind of thing. And when they were about, I guess actually it was about six or something, he'd learnt to read and stuff. And he's going, Dad, what's this? And it's a video and it had my name on the top and it had Kevin on the front. I said, oh, that's what I do. Can we watch it? Yeah, okay. I couldn't really think. So they put it on in the living room, right, and him and his little sisters, and they're staring at their dad being all these characters. They're really shocked. Yeah, of course. I'm quite upset. Like this, going. So then the doorbell goes, right? So I answer the door.

9:51Living room's there. Door's there. Police, right? They say, have you got a grey bike? I said, yeah. They said, I think it's just been nicked. One of the neighbours just said it'd been nicked. I said, oh, God, oh, yeah, it has been, Nick, you better come in. So they came in. They started talking about the bike. And you could see they could hear it was my programme. And then you could see them sort of look like that. And they could see these three really unhappy children, like, staring at me, staring at the telly in complete shock. And, you know, all I wanted to say was, look, they've never seen it before.

10:27But they quite clearly thought that's what I did every night. Yeah, yeah. You will. Sit down. Watch me. Watch Dad do his work. It's really embarrassing. Get the bike back? No. No. No. So, there's the worst. Who ever got a bike back? From the police. Hello, it's the police. We found your bike. What?

10:47James Acaster: That'd be the least believable sketch. Yeah, yeah. You could write. Yeah. Of course, these days, you have no chums, Harry. Yeah, I've got no chums. Good link. Very good link. I'm on tour with no chums. Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour. Yes. How's that been so far? Really fun. Yeah, especially having No Chums. The last tour I did was with Paul Whitehouse 10 years ago. I think we did a gig together. And Catherine Shepard. Oh, my God. Catherine Shepard. Lovely Catherine. And we all went on tour, the three of us, and it was really good fun. But this time they wouldn't come. None of my friends would come with me.

11:25Maybe they weren't. Me on my own. how's that been then having no chums has it been fun or has it been a challenge great fun it's like I call it my mini oasis tour really because it's kind of there's a lot of love in the room and it's all ancient people you know your dad yeah yeah not that your dad liked most of them

11:44James Acaster: he would watch it and show me he'll probably go to your tour and then tell me the bits I'm allowed to know about yeah actually there wouldn't be much you're allowed to I say swear words oh no So it's a mix of doing the characters and then also like a sort of retrospective? Yeah, it's sort of like looking back and how I met people, but mainly sketches. Yeah, which characters have you put in that you think people want to see these? Well, loads of money, who I think is still relevant. You know, the richer, richer than ever, the poorer than ever. Fucking brilliant. You know, he loves that. and bugger all money a little bit of slobs you know I have to do Cathy as well I do Paul a bit but I don't have to pay them and you know a write up to Harry and Paul and surgeons and things like that and you're doing Kevin yeah I do a tiny bit of Kevin it's quite difficult I'm 65 now yeah Kevin sorry I'd just like to say that's very clever of me to say 65 because I'm actually 64.

12:57But when this goes out, I'll be 65. Wow. That's very clever. Isn't that cool? I just literally thought of it. This is what happens when you're in the media and broadcasting for this long. You think about all these things. Yeah, I'm 65 now. Yeah, yeah. Your partner will think that's really cool.

13:14James Acaster: She will think that's cool because otherwise she would have heard you say 64 and gone, hold on, googled it, liar. He's not cool. He's not cool to me anymore. Why do they always do that? Why do these actors always lie about their head? No, it's crazy. He's not cool anymore. He's done it by one year. Never interview him again, ever. I loved Kevin so much, and my mum also loved Kevin, but she really weaponised Kevin against me when I became a teenager. That did happen. It was just anything. I couldn't get away with anything because it would be like, oh, hello, Kevin the teenager. Come on, mum. Don't use something I love against me.

13:47Yeah. I used to feel so sorry for teenagers. because their parents come up and say, we call him Kevin. And he'd be there like, God, I hate him that much.

13:59James Acaster: Benito, when he was 12, he was, on the night that he was going to like, you know, before his 13th birthday, he had planned to do the whole Kevin thing. He planned to do it. He was going to turn into a teenager and all that. And then he forgot. Yeah. So that's it. So he's not, he's not, he's not ever been a teenager. That's why he still comes across, like a little boy. Yeah. Oh, bless you. Sweet little boy. I love him. I love him. We always start with still a sparkling water, Harry. Do you have a preference? Yes. Well, I'd like fizzy water. Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Fizzy water. Yeah. Who was it? It's like, I grew up, you see, I was born in 1961.

14:45We had fizzy water as a special treat, right? And then sometime in about the 80s, he said, let's call fizzy water sparkling. And suddenly it became sparkling water. Everywhere sparkling water. So you're making a distinction between fizzy and sparkling. Yeah. I'm saying fizzy water is what we used to do. Sparkling is everywhere now. Oh, God. This is so cool. And when they ask me in a restaurant, if it's a male waiter, I always say sparkling like your eyes.

15:15James Acaster: Oh, that's nice. Do they like that? Yeah. The other day, someone took it seriously, actually. Yeah. But I got very, very good service from him. Yes. Yeah. That's nice. Instantly charming your way into a lovely meal because you've given them a compliment. Yeah, because my chips didn't arrive on time. I go, excuse me, my chips haven't arrived. And he was so attentive. Because you said he had sparkling eyes. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'm going to try that. They were sparkling. They were a bit lopsided, you know. Yeah. One was going one way and one the other way, but they sparkled. Yeah. Well, that's what the bubbles in the water do, I suppose.

15:50They go all over the place. They go all over the shop, don't they? They go all over the shop. But I do like, you know, you go out a sense of occasion, isn't it? Yeah. A little bit of fizzy water. So you used to have it as a treat when it was fizzy water. Yeah. And then some people, my rich friends, as I call them, no, people who were, like, better off than us had a water maker. And that was, like, the pinnacle. Yeah. You could make your own sparkling water and it didn't cost you sixpence in the old money. You'd like going over to their houses and using the SodaStream? Yeah, and you put a little bit of slime in it and then it becomes something else.

16:32Yeah.

16:32James Acaster: You ever glug the slime on its own? Straight? I have tried it, yeah. I bet. So sweet. I knew you would have. Delicious. Yeah. That's why my teeth is so sweet. All that slime I drank when I was young. It is amazing when you're a kid how much better other people's houses are. Yes. You never think about how good your own house is. Did you have that then? Oh, God, all the time. Like my friends, I'd go over and like the snack drawer at my friend Henry DeFries' house. Wowee. Oh, Henry DeFries? DeFries. Henry DeFries. Yeah. That is marvellous. You would like to have a look. I'm Henry DeFries. Come and have a look at my snack drawer.

17:09Come on, Henry. Honestly, you would not believe the snack drawer. Really? I don't know if you've seen the film The Whale. it was as good as that guy's snag. Oh, my God. Well, I can tell you, my best friend at school, Joe, he was American. Oh, that's exotic. And he was the first American anyone had ever met in this country. We're talking, you know, 1968. Yeah. So he arrived with an accident like that. Well, he was more like that, obviously. He was like seven, eight. But because they were American, they did all these amazing things. I mean, it was literally like from going the other side of the Iron Curtain to like the West or something, you'd go into the house, A, it was warm because they used their central heating, whereas our parents all, oh, turn it off.

17:55It's already above freezing. Turn it off. It's there to admire a radiator. Sure. They had a warm house and they had a whole room, a larger room as big as this studio. Wow. And there were these pots of sweets, like bounties and marathons snickers and miles bars and things of course well fat Harry have you seen that Harry Harry where are you just gobbling up all the sweets you can have as many as you like yeah whereas in my house we're allowed two a day yeah two a day is pretty good though I think little ones

18:31James Acaster: oh yeah that's not from the sweets yeah that's my house two biscuits when you get home two biscuits two biscuits but then you know if my parents were back a bit later than us. Oh. We went for it. Yeah. Absolutely. And we've convinced ourselves as long as we leave like one biscuit in the bell they won't notice. They'll never notice. Yeah. No. Absolutely. Yeah, that was like mum's purse. Oh, yeah. I thought, as long as I leave 10p in the purse. Yeah, yeah. You're rubbing your mum? Yeah. Yeah. You need the money, don't you? Yeah. I was desperate. I love the sound of Joe. Yeah, he's great, Joe. He's still a friend.

19:06In fact, I'm seeing him this weekend. Really? Sorry, I saw him four months ago.

19:12James Acaster: Pop-a-dubs or bread? Pop-a-dubs or bread, Harry Enfield? Pop-a-dubs or bread? Bread, please. Bread? Yeah, focaccia. Oh, love you. I like a bit of focaccia. Well, if that's there, because I try and go, obviously, I'm not as thin as I once was. I'm a facant. What? A facant. My dad wouldn't let me hear that word. It's an old English word. Yeah. So you can say it. It's probably in Chaucer or something. Yeah. Chaucer. Because I'm a Fakans, I try and not have bread. Yeah. Right. But if it's Focaccia, no, I've got to have it. Yeah. I've got to have it. You know, with oil and salt and pepper and all that.

19:51And then it comes to fish and water. Focaccia. I'm trying to... Focaccia. Yeah. Focaccia is for Fakans. Yes, that's good. Focaccia for a Fakans.

19:59James Acaster: Yeah. Yeah. As Chaucer said. Yeah. So... Sorry. From what you've said about growing up, I'm guessing you weren't always a focaccia guy. So when did you discover focaccia? I think when I was about 22. Yeah. And I went to Italy and they had this bread of, look at that. You know, because you're naturally conservative, aren't you? I don't know how to look at that. And then went in my mouth and that was it. Heaven. It's like the first time you have chocolate, isn't it? I remember Dawn French telling me about her daughter, who was like sitting there, and she gave her this thing. You know, she couldn't even speak yet.

20:38But she was obviously looking at it and thinking, well, is this a poo? Yeah. A bit of brown poo. Put it in her mouth and her eyes just went. You know, it was the Garden of Eden. Yeah. It was just that moment, you know, and focaccia was a bit like that. I love it. I'm imagining it was Terry's chocolate orange. Gotta be if it was French. Had to be Terry's chocolate orange if it was Dawn French, right? Yes. That's all they have in. All they have.

21:01James Acaster: That was in her contract. You've got to give this to your daughter. Yeah, give this to your baby. Yeah, give a segment of this to your baby right now. Yeah, now. Tell as many people as you can how much you loved it. You don't tell Harry Enfield. He's big. They used to make that. When I was at university, they made that round the corner. Did they? Yeah, I was at university in York, and the Terry's factory was there, and the Roundtree's factory. Oh, wow. Which one smelled nicer? Yeah, did you get the smells drifting over? The smells were terrible because it, I don't know how they make gelatine, but they used to say it was like calf's hooves.

21:35Yeah, I think there is a bit of truth. It smells a bit of that. It smells of hooves. There were also breweries, so it smells of that. Oh, dear. The hops. It's fine. Yeah. The hop smell is not good. The first time I went to Edinburgh and you can just smell the hops drifting over. I learned to love that smell, but it's pretty disgusting. Is that where you were at? No, no, no. But just doing the festival, like going up every year. I was at university in Durham, and I don't think we had any factories. No factories. Nearby, just a prison. So you just get prison smell? Yes. Have you been to prison? Never been to...

22:06Never. Have I ever been to prison? Not yet. No, not yet. Sorry, not yet. Yeah, and we don't know because this is four months' time. I might be in prison now. Could be in prison now. Well, exactly. And, you know, these days one's past comes back to haunt one a bit, doesn't it? Yes, all my murders. So you've done some stuff that you've got away with, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:23James Acaster: Watch out for my murders. You don't know. People could go down your Twitter timeline and find that tweet you did. oh I've killed again just another murder loving it cross face emoji but yeah I used to live pretty near Durham prison near a prison in Durham yeah so sort of lived down the road from Rose West for a bit really? so that's nice isn't it yeah she's one of my neighbours wow gosh but you never got to meet her never went there no no no and she was a homebody

22:56she was well um i'll just tell you something if i'm gonna give a plug not only to my tour i'm going on tour now around the country please but also if you want to smell hops in edinburgh there are no better hops to smell than coming from barney's brewery barney's barney's beer is one of the best beers you could possibly have in the world especially his volcanic ipa Well, that's my favourite. But he does loads.

23:21James Acaster: Oh. It's my brother-in-law. Oh, great. But I'm being truthful about this. Yes. And when Paul and I went on tour, there was a beer snob. And, you know, part of the crew. He was a proper, he knew all his beers and all that. I said, have you ever had Barney's beer? He said, no. So I got to someone and he went, oh, my God, this is amazing. Yeah. So every week, Barney'd send down another crate of beer for the tour. Oh, nice. When you gave the beer snob, Barney's beer, was it like Dawn French giving her? Yes. Daughter of the chocolate. It was. Yeah. His little eyes were like that. This is amazing. So anyway, that's my...

23:56Barney's beer. Yeah, nice. Shout out.

24:00James Acaster: Let's start your menu proper now. Okay. Your dream starter, Harry. I finished my water. You finished your water. Yeah, you plugged that down. You had your focaccia. You've been dipping it in the oil. Yes. A little bit of salt. A little bit of salt in there, of course. Oysters, please. Oysters. It's been a while since we've had a shout out for oysters. Yeah, really. It's always good. I love oysters. Yeah. And me and my friends, Paul and Dan, sometimes we just, should we have dinner? I don't feel like it. I thought we'd go to the oyster bar. Oh, yeah. Okay. Right. We go there, oysters and chips.

24:34Quite often we just have that. You know, that's it. Yeah, but the chips is good. There's something about an oyster slugging down your throat I just love. Some people find that awful as an idea, right? Yeah. But I think once you've had it, once you get over that initial thing of the texture, it's beautiful. Well, my kids used to hate oysters. You know exactly that. Yeah. But once they finally tried them, now they have them all. Yeah. So I go, because there's a place in Cornwall. There's a place down the road where they, there's an oyster farm. Basically, if you walk around the coast, there's an oyster farm.

25:09So I go to the farmer and buy 12 oysters for sort of eight quid. You're buying them from source? Yeah. Wow, that's cool. And then you take them back, whoosh, shark them. I love, I love sharking.

25:21James Acaster: Got a great image now of the first time your kids tried oysters and like you've sat them down, they got the oysters and then knock on the door, answer it, policeman. Your car's been nicked. Oh yeah, come on in. Yeah, come on in. All your kids are eating oysters. Just looking absolutely gutted. watching your show. Hating it. You're going to love both of these things. Yes, you will. Now, watch me laugh and eats oysters. So you're home shucking. Yeah, you're a home shucker. Are you good at that? I mean, I've done it. I've tried it. It's a tricky old thing. You get better, but my youngest daughter now is brilliant at it.

25:59Oh, well, there you go. She works in a fish restaurant, you see. Oh, nice. Bam, bam, bam. She's opened them like that. Crabs, oysters, any shellfish. Yeah. You know, lobsters, everything. Foof. That must be good, having one of your children works in a restaurant. It's very useful. I don't live with her anymore. She's 23. But, you know, when we get oysters down in Cornwall, it's like, ah, just best. Slug down your throat, aren't they? Yeah. A little bit of Tabasco and just the seawater slugging. So you're just really the most pure thing, basically, isn't it? Because it's like, well, they don't do anything.

26:36You know, you have a steak. They've got to get the cow. They've got to go, look that way. Bam. They've got to do all this stuff to it. And they say, look that way. And then it ends up at Tesco's or whatever with an oyster. There it is.

26:48James Acaster: Open it up. Yeah. You don't have to distract an oyster. Yeah. No one's ever had to distract an oyster. I'm not sure they're fully distracting the cows, to be honest. I'm not sure they're bothering. Well, Temple Grandin sorted it all out. Who? Temple Grandin. It was mad with the cows for ages. Trying to, like, you know, kill the cows. It was chaotic and not very nice, distressing for the cattle. and Temple Grandin come up with a machine that kind of like hugs them generally feels quite nice for them and keeps them very still and calm and then they can bolt them in their head and kill them How do you know that?

27:23Who is Temple Grandin?

27:25James Acaster: Temple Grandin was, I think she grew up on a farm and a film Claire Danes played her in a film and she was basically able to just, she liked the feeling of being like now these yeah so there's like a Temple Grandin like squeeze machine that people like to use as well and then you get bolts in the head yeah they're there they feel nice and then they bolt them in their head is it like when you have your foot measured at Clark's yes and they bolt you that kind of nice feeling that nice feeling of the foot yeah it's exactly like that do you know what when we have assisted dying I would like that the Temple Grandin assisted dying yeah yeah it's lovely cuddles from this yeah it could be great big sort of rubbery hands, you know.

28:12You want big rubber, that would relax you with it.

28:13James Acaster: You would like a big rubbery hand. That's nice, and then go. Yeah. That's it. Mr. Dead. Mr. Dead. Yeah, Mr. Dead. How many do you want? Well, it depends how hungry I am. I want six, please. Six rock oysters, you said. Yeah, I have a couple of rock oysters, a couple of Linders van. You know, I don't know. You choose the others. I don't care. Do you know, I once went to the Forum in Rome with my son, and, you know, we learned all this stuff and did all this stuff. And in the Roman days, they had viaducts going the whole way from France all the way down to Rome, right, with Colchester oysters in them.

28:58Wow. Yeah, so they'd come across the sea, plonk them in there. It was like, you know, it was like Amazon viaduct. a whoosh the whole way to the Forum in Rome. Oh, wow. So you could have them the next day. That's amazing. That is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Bring it back. Yeah, well, that was it. And then, of course, that was the end of civilisation very soon after that. Yeah. The Roman civilisation, so, you know. And now we've got Amazon. Looking good, is it? I wouldn't be ordering oysters on Amazon, though, would you? No. I don't trust that. I don't use Amazon. No. Especially not for raw seafood. Well, he's a friend of Donald Trump, isn't he, now?

29:33He is. he's insane he's like oh I just don't like these people no sorry about that oh well it's alright I think you're on safe turf so you're having six oysters yes please are you swallowing or is it one bite then down oh no I go crunch crunch like that and you always put your eyes back yeah I do so if someone's talking when I go out with Dan and Paul to eat oysters we're telling a story and then

30:08oh god that was good glunk yeah and then lots of white wine yes oh yeah white wine with the oysters can we talk about wine well we normally do drink later on but if you want to pair something specific no okay no talk about it later I'm still on the fizzy water then yeah still on the fizzy water I'd sooner have fizzy water and oysters than a glass of wine okay I've had six of them they've slugged down my throat slugged straight down yeah yeah like a slug Have you ever eaten a slug? No, I can't say. But if someone told me that, like with oysters, that they're a delicacy, I probably would eat a slug.

30:41Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think I would. I had a friend whose daughter, she was this really so pretty little girl of about two, and she was like toddling around. And this was in France one summer, I'll never forget. But she did like a slug and a snail. And then she'd come in this pretty little face. She'd go like that, and you'd see this black thing. And she had a terrible stomach upset every day. It was one day she came, and you thought, oh, great, she hasn't got an eye. And then you saw these little legs. It was a spider she found, a really big one. Yeah. Oh, my God.

31:19James Acaster: The little bear grills. Yeah. Yes. Well, yeah, I don't believe that. I've seen that thing he did with the fish like that, Pollux. Yeah. Sorry, I just don't believe it. Yeah. What element of The great thing he's done is he's he's baptised Russell Graham. Yeah. Yeah. That's a bit I bet. That's a bit Dave Nice that is. Yeah. I got in trouble for something. Yep. A little mucking around with someone and then I discovered Jesus. It's exactly like that. Did you? Yeah. Who's that other bloke who did that? It was in the Thames as well. I bet he came out looking like that little girl with a lot of cockles in his mouth or actually It's the Thames.

32:01James Acaster: It's probably turds. Yeah. Probably turds. Like a turd in his mouth. Do you like shitting in the Thames? If Russell Brand's getting baptised, then I'll do. Yeah. Dropping a few nubbets in there. We were on Hammersmith Bridge with our arses hung over the edge. Yeah.

32:20James Acaster: Your dream main course, Harry. Yes. I've rather got off it now. What I would like, I think, is Coco Vaughan. Yeah. Right? But different kind of cock. I mean, pig's cock. Yeah, yeah. Penis. Yeah. Pig's penis. Penis. Yes. The corkscrew one. Yeah. The corkscrew penis. Yes. I like pig's cock. And I'll tell you why. Because I once did this programme. Ah, it's a terrible story. I'll try and keep it quick. No, no, no. I haven't thought about it. I think you're really going to have to explain this one, Harry. So I think take your time. Basically, there used to be, this is about 20 years ago, a group of four of us mates used to go out to a posh restaurant every month.

33:05Yeah. And one would pay each time. So it's my turn, your turn. Yeah. It's Ed's, not Ed, Ben-Ardo's. Ben-Eto's turn. Ben-Ardo today. The great Ben-Ardo today. Oh, it's my turn, right? Ben-Ardo's. So we go to these swanky restaurants. And, of course, everyone wants to, you know, be nice, generous. So they're always really nice restaurants. Yeah. Cost a fortune. So I'd arranged to go somewhere. And then the phone went and it was someone saying, do you want to come on this? You couldn't possibly tonight come on a Gordon Ramsay show set in a restaurant. I don't know what it was. I go, right, it's Jonathan Ross pulled out or something.

33:45I said, exactly. And I went, okay. And they said, well, give you five grand. Didn't tell my mate. Yeah. I said, well, what do I have to do? He said, you just have to have a meal. They're going to cook a meal for you in this Ramsay restaurant, right? And then Gordon will come and have a chat for you for 10 minutes, but meal and wine is free. So I rang everyone up and said, I've managed to wangle the deal on this show. So rather than paying, I was getting fired. I still never told them. Shit. And, yeah, so we go along. We have a lovely meal, the four of us, you know, jabber jabber. And after a bit, and, oh, yeah, the guy who did it, you know, I had to speak to a researcher bloke.

34:26He said, what's your favourite food? I said, Japanese. which it was at the time. You know, I vary these things. And, okay, that was that. So Gordon came over at some point, a little chat to camera. He said, no, you like Japanese food? Yeah. Okay, well, we're going to blindfold you and give you some Japanese food. He gave me something that was disgusting. And it turned out it was like this green sick. And it was from a fish that they feed it with grain or something. and then they leave it to rot for about a month and then they eat what's in its guts. Really not very nice. The second thing he gave me, it was like, and of course there were all these other people in the restaurant, the telly restaurant, and I have a bite and they're all going, because they put up on the screen what it is.

35:17This is delicious. It's like a sausage, absolutely delicious. And then they took the blind pole off and said, guess what, you know, Gordon said, guess what that is, is pig's cock. You know, and of course, being on telly, you go, ugh, oh no. Yeah. You know, and, but, yeah, it was nice. But because I'd gone, oh, no, you know, for telly. Yeah. And then as soon as he'd gone, Danny, my mate, or I think he was still talking, Danny said, can I have it? And he ate a lot. by the time we'd finished talking, Danny'd eaten all the thing. And I regret it. I regret I didn't eat the whole thing. So you would like pig's cocco van for your dream meal?

36:03Yeah.

36:04James Acaster: I think so. The only celeb who's constantly trying to get on, I'm a celebrity, get me out of it. Just for the food. They won't have me. Yeah, they just won't have me. People say, oh, you get 100 grand or something. I ring up myself, we won't give you 2p. Yeah, yeah. Not two new pants, as we call it. Take your mates with you and don't tell them you're getting 100 grand. They'll be so grateful. That's a good idea. We're having dinner in Australia tonight, lads. Yeah, we're having slugs and snails. Puppy dog's tails. It's a pig's cocker van. That's great. Is that allowed? Has anyone ever chosen human?

36:39No. Not yet? Not yet. I'm sure it's going to happen one day. Do you think there's people who are just curious about eating human? I just love the idea that actually it's delicious. Yeah. And nicer than pork, because I love pork. Yeah. You know, I really love pork. I think it's vastly underrated. Yeah. Because it's so cheap when you go to the butcher. It's really cheap. You wouldn't know that, because you're millionaires. Yeah. I know it's cheap. So, yeah. I probably have, in a little white, or a little juice, they call it, don't they? Yeah, a jus. A jus. So you have the penis there, and there's a little jus coming out the end.

37:16Coming out the end. Just to remind you what it is. Tastefully. on the plate, you know. Yeah, they decorate it. Because it's round like that, and then you have it coming from the end of it, jussing around the plate like that. A nice sort of... So nice. Yeah. That's very nice. Very classy. Can I... I forgot... There's another course I'd like before.

37:38James Acaster: Oh, okay. Before the main. Before the cock. Okay. That's it. Well, what is it? The cock of an. Well, it's truffle pasta. It's my favourite thing in the world. Lovely. Oh, yeah, you can have a pasta course. We've met people do the pasta course. I do like truffles. I think it's been overdone in the sort of fake truffle world, the synthetic truffle oil. Yes, yes. I think it can be a bit overdone. But real truffles, very nice. A lovely treat. I love truffle. Oh, my God. You see, Giorgio Locatelli, this cook, he's a friend, him and the truffles. He once cooked for Abramovich. Yeah, he was out in Sicily, Giorgio, and he used to come to his restaurant, Locatelli, at Baramovich occasionally, and suddenly he gets called his insistence and says, you know, Baramovich would like you to come and cook on his boat and show his people how to cook.

38:33So Giorgio gets taken out to this boat, how to cook truffles, and shows them how to make truffle pasta like he does. And then he says, oh, Roman would like to come and say thanks. So he goes up on deck to have a fag, and there's like two helicopter pads, one one end, one the other end, this boat. And he comes up and, oh, thank you very much. You know, Roman comes up, blah, blah, blah. He goes, can I ask you something? Why two helicopter pads? He goes, people have luggage. Isn't it? Wow. See? How many helicopter pads have you got? None. I'm on zero at the moment. I've got to say, yeah. And I'll just take my luggage with me a lot of the time.

39:21Yeah. Yeah, I don't need a separate. I do the same. Yeah, yeah. I go by moped. You do go by moped. I did. I came here today on my moped. On your moped. But truffle pasta, sorry. Beautiful. Do you like truffles?

39:34James Acaster: I do. I mean, like Ed, before I did this podcast, I'd never had truffles in my life. Really? And then started having these fancy meals. Oh, this truffle is incredible. Now I'm at the point where I'm like, I hope it's not more truffle. But I went to a restaurant the other day called Perilla, which I think I've been speaking up quite a lot. It's in Stoke Newington, had an incredible meal. I was very, very enthusiastic. But the dessert, I just looked at it, it said sticky toffee pudding. I was quite excited about that. Don't go wrong. It turned out it was black truffle sticky toffee pudding with black truffle ice cream.

40:12James Acaster: And I was like, oh, I'm not sure about that, actually. It was incredible. Was it? It was incredible, Harry. So when you say to me at this point in my life, do I like truffle? I'm back on board. Yeah. Yeah. As long as it's sticky toffee pudding. As long as it's with a sticky toffee pudding in the ice cream. People think it tastes of socks. Sure. My girlfriend says it smells of jizz. Yeah. It smells of jizz. That's what she said. She says it smells of jizz. Well, that's quite a nice lead into the pig's cock then, isn't it? Yeah. Really? Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of thematic. It's nice to know what your jizz smells of.

40:43Yeah. It's quite a gourmet jizz. I think there's a lot of women who love truffle juice. I'm a lucky guy. Very hackneyed, very stoked you. Yeah. I do truffle juice. You've really come up in the world. No, the truffle pasta is a wonderful addition. I've made it at home once. Really? Because, yeah, my wife loves truffle pasta. We'd been to that restaurant, Gloria. Do you know Gloria in Shoreditch? No. It's an Italian restaurant. They do a really nice truffle pasta. And I looked up the recipe and ordered a truffle. Really? Delivery. Online. Got it delivered to the house. Yeah. A lovely black truffle.

41:22A lovely black truffle. Bought a truffle shaver as well. Wow. Obviously, you've never needed the truffle shaver since.

41:28James Acaster: I imagine you've probably, knowing you've sliced your finger open on it. Yeah. I do that a lot. Do you? Yeah. Let me have a look. Well, can you see my thumb there? There's a line there. Yes. Yeah, that is a scar from a Dauphinois accident. Oh, I'm sorry. I only have very... Your hands are all right, though, aren't they? Yeah, they're all right, generally, yeah. Are you happy with your hands? I think so. I mean, there's not much I can do now, really. I've got the same hands as the king. Have you got the fingers? Little fat sausages, like the king. Oh, yeah, little stubby fingers. Yes, like his majesty.

42:00Yours look less of a medical worry, though, I would say. His look like they're about to pop off. Oh, well, that's kind of you, but I'm not quite his age. When I am, they'll probably pop off. Have little fat stumps.

42:18Your dream side dish then, Harry. Oh. Well, I do like horta. What's that? It's basically like greens. It's a bit like spinach or something, but it's Greek, or they do it in Greece. And they call it horta, and it's delicious. You know, it's just a bit garlic and all that, so I love a bit of that. Yeah. But basically, I try to be good because I'm a facant now. So with my penis, I'm cocavaya, I should like some horta. Or, you know, the usual broccoli with bits of shit on it. You know, chilli. Yeah. Chilli and that stuff. Yeah. All the greens. Yeah. I'd like, right, I'd like a bit of that on the side or cabbage on the side, please.

42:59And then they say, would you like any chips? Yes. Yeah. Can't stop it. You love chips. Triple, this triple fried thing. Yeah. Yeah. When did they start that? It's great, isn't it? Yeah. Can you get quadruple fried chips? I'm sure. I bet you could. I'm sure you could. There's a gap in the market for that, isn't there? But then it's an arms race. Then when does it end, Harry? Yes, exactly. You know, then we're having 50 times cooked chips. I think it's a Heston thing, you know. Heston started. The triple cooked chip feels like a Heston thing. Does it? Yeah. Sorry if I'm wrong, but they're parboiling, then doing once in the oil for a little bit, taking them out, letting them rest, and then frying them for a final time.

43:39I really want one now. Yeah. I'm salivating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a dog. I think it's very nice that you're having greens, that you're like, I have to have the greens. Got to have the greens. But the chips are going to be on this menu as well. You see, and I think, well, I'll just have two. Yeah. And then, in fact, recently I had lunch with some mates, including Trevor Reeve. Do you know the very bad actor? Not bad actor, I mean the very bad man. Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of Trevor Reeve, yes. We'll get some chips. So I got some chips. He ate them all. Yeah. Except for two. Bad man. So you had two chips.

44:12Sorry, I'm eating your chips. but that's sort of what you want though isn't it because you only want to have two chips yes you do it's like girls like ben used to do a routine it was brilliant yeah not not benito no no ben elton that wasn't in his magic about chips and how he'd order chips and his girlfriend at the time before he's met would not order chips the girls don't order chips and they say can i have one of yours yeah i'll buy you your own fucking plate of chips just don't touch mine Can't you have your own? Yeah. But I'm not like that. I'm much nicer than Ben. Yeah. So I'd obviously go, yes, please have a chip.

44:54James Acaster: Yeah. So the triple cooked are your favourite way to have chips. Yeah, my most favouritest. So when you'd have the oysters with your friends. Chips, yeah. Is that triple cooked? I imagine that's more french fries. Yeah. No, no. Well, they can be. You're right. but it's this one pub we go to downstairs, oysters and proper chips. You don't want you go into a chip and there's just fluff in there. You don't want that. You want a proper chip with nice case and hardly any potato. You just want all crisp and oil. Yeah, I want my arteries nice and hard. You know, like cement. I'm glad someone's saying this.

45:33It's like a building, isn't it? You don't want shitty cement to fall down. You want to be dry. It's hard. Your body's a temple. Yeah.

45:40James Acaster: So get that cement in there. Build it nice and strong temple. Build it nice and strongly. Because the broad opinion on chips seems to be the accepted opinion is crispy on the outside and really fluffy and potatoey in the middle. But I'm glad someone's saying this. I just want the crisp all the way through. I want a bag of crisp. Well, that's why you buy. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. But I want to pay more than for a bag of crisp. And hot. You want to be hot. And reassuring the expensive chips. Yeah, yeah. If you get a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Sorry, one thing we haven't talked about yet is music.

46:11James Acaster: Yes, of course. Like, in this restaurant, is there music? Yeah. It's up to you. I mean, it's your dream restaurant. I don't want music. No, there isn't. I just want to say that because I'm deaf. Yeah. I'm pretty deaf. If I go into a restaurant and there's music, I always say, could you turn it down? I'm deaf. Yeah. Which works these days. Yeah. Because it's like a disability and they go, fuck, we better turn it down or we'll get into trouble. wouldn't we with the woke police you think that's what they're thinking with the woke brigade so we have they have to absolutely no way that they're thinking that how dare they they're going for God's sake could you turn it down and he's out deaf thank you but I like to be able to you know the whole point of being in a restaurant is with your chums and you have a bit of food and you talk rubbish don't you yeah and if I can't hear the rubbish that's coming out of their mouths there's no point yeah you want to hear the rubbish yeah Night Music in the Dream restaurant.

47:06Especially in a restaurant with lots of hard surfaces and everything's like echoing off each other and glasses. You see, can you start an app? I don't know how to do this, but I want an app called Here to Eat. Yeah. H-E-A-R to eat. Do you get it? That's good. Yeah. And you get five stars if there's no music. There's tablecloths. There's like padded walls like in my cell. Yeah. You know, so that I can actually hear. Yeah. And it's a real boat. Do you know Trillo? Yes. Oh, I love Trillo. I mean, it's an absolutely brilliant restaurant. But there's a new kind of the chef who started that restaurant called Burrow, which is brilliant in Covent Garden.

47:49And the tables are far enough apart that you can talk without, you know, them hearing what you say. Yeah, great. So even though there's no music, there is a bit of music there. They need to turn it down. So that would be, what, 4.5 stars on Here to Eat, you reckon? Yeah, yeah. 4.5. I think this is good because more and more now I'm thinking, I hate not being able to hear what people are saying. And also, if I can't hear what people are saying in a situation, I do not have the strength of character to say, could you repeat it? I just agree. You see, I do the same now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they say, it's a bit like this person.

48:25I just go, yes. And they say, do you bother with Giante? Yeah. You go, yes. Yeah, very good. Yeah, yeah. And then they go, what? They go, oh, I'm leaving. You see, you're young, Ed. You two are young. You might not think you are, but you are. When you get to my mum, my mum is 95 and she's completely deaf. And she's really annoying, you know, because you say, do you want a cup of tea? She goes, what? Yeah. Would you like a cup of tea, mum? And I say, oh, yes, lovely. And then you get up and the way you do, you say, I'll put the kettle on. She goes, what? I just said I'd put the kettle on. The what?

49:01The kettle. You know, and I'm getting there. Yeah. And it happens later. Because I swim in the Hampstead Ponds, Highgate Ponds, I've got stalactites in my ears. What? Stalactites. You grow them because they've got tiny little hearing aids you can get now that go in and apparently they're very good. Yes. Everyone says you must get them. They cost a fortune but they're worth having. And so I went to get them fitted. They said, no, you've got big bone stalactites have grown in your ears. Do you do a lot of freshwater swimming? And I said, well, yeah. They said, ah, that's what it is. And you can have them chopped off, but it's very painful and takes a long time.

49:43I'd sooner not hear what you're saying. So you swim so much in Hampstead Ponds that your ear's like a little cave? Yes, a little cave like that, you see. I don't know what it is. It might be the sort of, I don't know, the rotting corpses at the bottom. Lovely. Kind of let off the sea or something, you know. The roadkill. Yeah. I don't know, but anyway, it happens. Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat? Hmm?

50:07James Acaster: Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat? Yeah. Yeah, a bottom feeder. A little bottom feeder. Yeah, exactly. So you can't have the fancy hearing aids fitted because you've got stalactites in your ears? Yes. Yeah. So that's another reason why I want a here-to-eat. Yeah. Here to eat's a great idea. It's a good idea. I think it's a good idea. I think you're going to maybe regret putting it out in the podcast. Why? Because someone would distill that idea. I don't mind. Oh, great. You just want to use it, don't you? You don't want to. I don't mind. You know, people always say that, like, there's a couple called Kevin and Perry who go around doing gigs as Kevin and Perry.

50:42Right. And they look like Kevin and Perry. And they post little videos of themselves. And they look great. Yeah. People say, what do you think of Kevin and Perry? They're making this money out of you. I go, hats off to you. I'm not doing it. You know, we're not doing it. So you do it. And they go out. You know, I met someone the other day, a Scottish DJ, and he goes gigging with them in Ibiza. They go out to Ibiza. Fair enough. You know, so if someone could be here to eat, I would love that. Great.

51:09James Acaster: Maybe the same people. What if the same people did it? Then we just start taking it personally. Karen and Perry's here to eat. Yeah. I mean, I draw the line, you know, if I found them in bed with my partner. Dressed as Kevin and Perry. Yeah. So, yeah, but we're Kevin and Perry. We could do this, can't we? Yeah. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. Hats off to you. I thought the house smelled of truffles. Yeah. Eh? Yeah, I thought we'd say it. Someone smelled. Oh, no. Sorry, Harry. Yeah. That was really fun, because Harry was like, I heard you eventually, and then jumped on board and immediately jumped back on board again.

51:46James Acaster: It's not, you know, echoed around the stalactites. Eventually. Yeah. Oh, you just said, my house smells of jizz.

51:56James Acaster: your dream drink now you hinted at white wine earlier and then you said no I just have the fizzy water with my oysters but like are we going to see some wine here for your dream drink I like a nice bottle of Chardonnay I'm afraid I'm a Chardonnay person I think it's back in now isn't it I like a Chablis yeah you know that's my favourite East Chardonnay I think it's got a bit of bite to it it's nice and footsy yeah Yeah, so I like, and I find I'm more intelligent when I've had a couple of bottles of that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Two bottles, then what do you start talking about after two bottles of that?

52:32You don't want to know. But I think they're the place, yeah, bollocks, I think, where you make the cheers. Yeah. Yeah, no, it cheers me up. Yes. Yeah. Paul Whitehouse likes Montreche, as he calls it. and if I go to a restaurant and see it there I think oh and then it always says 380 quid a book or something White House is splashing the cash out there yeah he can do that he thought he'd do that because he goes fishing with Bob

53:04James Acaster: it's the second time you've made out like you've not got any cash out no I've got no cash I don't believe that how much am I getting paid to do this I can tell you fuck you're making a fortune they make a fucking they're like Kevin and Perry we are like Kevin and Perry if two people started doing James and Ed going around doing off menu we would sue them to hell you could be because you've got to touch the old jeans haven't you you could be Kevin and Perry you could be Perry I could be Perry you've got lovely optimistic eyes I do and you're a jinx put your hat on the other way yeah yeah yeah yeah there you go Miss Patterson well actually no he wouldn't say Miss Patterson that's his month you fucking ripped my line off yeah well my dad wouldn't let me watch Kevin and Perry's sketches no no sorry before you arrived Harry I was just talking to James about I think regularly about when Perry has been to Manchester oh yeah that is that was on recently because of Oasis because of Oasis that went round a lot people were saying it was going see I'm not on social media so people have to tell me yeah it went it went around again because of that saying all the people showing up to Oasis gigs like they really know who they are and stuff it was great it was really good that was sort of based on me really that sketch yeah when I was about 15 and I'm you know went to see the Clash got to talk to them back you know who are you like Joe Strabber yeah I'm here and you know I came back I wanted to talk like that and never wanted a proper job yeah you don't want no buying job no I don't want a boring job and it turned out I never got a boring job.

54:48Yeah. Except for today. He's got us.

54:54James Acaster: Felt good to be got though. Yeah, it felt good. Felt good. Favourite Clash song? You got a favourite Clash song or album? First album. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Because that was formative for me. That's a punk, right? Oh my God, this is brilliant. I know every word of every song. Oh, nice. Yeah, well that playing in the restaurant though, no music I don't want any music in the restaurant even the Clash even the first Clash album well there's no yeah he's in love with you're gonna roll he's in love with James Jones' war he's in love with Gaston Wall he don't want no pun job no I don't think so in my restaurant but also you have to do you know you go out and follow me you I don't really go I don't really go yeah no you know every word you'd not said one word yet yeah you're just square I'm a square you don't understand because you're square because you're not a punk yeah that's true that's true I'm not a punk it was great being punk you see when you're 15 and a virgin and angry yeah you know yeah the best and you know songs come out like GLC by Menace do you know how that goes no GLC GLC GLC GLC you're full of shit shit shit shit shit what's your name?

56:15What's your game? Masturbate? Magistrate? That was basically it. GLC by menace. You were in heaven. You were in heaven when that came out. I was because, you know, before that was all, you see you on the dark side of the moon and all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. Suddenly you go, you're all for... Great. Great.

56:36James Acaster: We arrive at your dream dessert. Yeah, and there's no music, is there? There's no music. No music. Oh, yeah, dream dessert. So silently we bring a dessert. Are there any men's desserts? You know, this kind of apple charlotte. What are you talking about? I'm talking about this apple charlotte Eve's pudding. Oh, I get you. Do you know what I mean? With a male name in the... Spotted Dick, Toria Spange. Spotted Dick. Spotted Dick. Spotted Dick. Excellent. Yeah. Excellent. Spotted Dick. I'd like Spotted Dick. Because you're a man. Well, I've just had Coco Van. You just had Coco Van. Yeah. Yeah. So the truffle jizz.

57:09Yeah. Jizz. Yeah. And now I'd like spotted dick, please. Yeah. I love spotted dick. I mean, I'm going to be quite full by now because I've had truffle pasta and I've eaten all the focaccia. They brought a big plate of it. I thought I'd just have a little bite. I've eaten a lot.

57:26James Acaster: Yeah. And you had the oysters, which are an aphrodisiac. So there's a chance that the pig's dick is going to be bonerific. Yeah. Fully boned. I'll tell you, I'm going to go home. Oh, darling. I'm going to be like that. Yeah, yeah. Look at my fat tum. And then Kevin and Perry walk out of the wardrobe. Yeah. We got here first. I think the oysters only work as an aphrodisiac if you don't then eat focaccia, pasta, pig's dick and spotted dick. I have found that to be the case. Yes, yeah, yeah. You've got to leave it at the oysters and not then carry on eating. Yes, that is the case indeed. Indeed. So I'm having spotted dick apparently.

58:07Lovely. With some custard? I mean, what I'd really like is rhubarb crumble. Rhubarb crumble Malcolm. Malcolm? Yeah, men's name. With Colin Custard. Yeah. Ah, that would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. Rhubarb crumble Malcolm with a Colin Custard. Well, this is the dream restaurant. A Colin Custard, because in a posh restaurant, they don't just say Colin Custard, do they? They say, with a Colin Custard, A. Yeah, it's got to be A. Yeah, let's put that.

58:38James Acaster: It does make it feel fancy, but I don't know why. Yeah, I know. You pay an extra ten quid for that. And they come and point at it with their little finger just to show you where everything is. There it is, you see. A Colin Custard on the side. Rebub Crumble Malcolm. Yeah, and some James juice. Oh, thank you. I think we can, you know, this is the dream restaurant, so I think we can bring you a Rebub Crumble Malcolm. Yeah. Thank you. Is there a particular Malcolm you're thinking of? No. No. But, you know, I just like the name. Don't you? You don't see it around much anymore. No. There's no new Malcolms being made up.

59:13Or Clives. Or Clives. I'm sure everything comes back round, right? When is Jane coming back? I think Jane's... Is Jane not back already? No one's being called Jane now. Really? No way. Or Susan. Or Susan, because these are like... And they're the first names I think of if someone says, think of a lady's name. What's your mum called? Anne. Yes, you see, or Anne. Yeah. Yeah. My sister, who's called Susan, had a friend called her. There you go. It was a big back in the day. What's your mum called? Di. Di. You see, you don't get young Dianas, do you? You don't get young Dianas. No, you don't. No. Yeah, Di.

59:50Princess Lady Di. That's your mum, innit? That's why you're a ginge. Queen of hearts. Harry, innit? The Queen of Hearts, my mum. Yeah. My son is... Yes. When he was growing up. Yeah. Yeah. When he was growing up, I used to, I had a little rhyme, I can't quite remember, it was something like, some people, some children scream, some children whinge, but the children that no one likes, a change.

1:00:17James Acaster: To your kid? To your son? Yeah. And you liked that? You enjoyed that from his dad? He'd just go, so, you know. Yeah, and he'd be like, ah, Kevin! But you will find, neither of you have children, do you? No. You will find that, you know, man love is difficult. I mean, maybe your generation. But my dad, you know, I think about three times in his life, he sort of went like that. Yes, sure. And, you know, these days you sort of, how do you do man love? You know, you give them a hug because you give everyone a hug these days, don't you? Mainly I show my love by taking the piss out of them. And they do it back to me.

1:00:55So I know that they're cross with me. I've done something wrong if they're not taking the piss out of me. what are the piss taking things they say about you how do they get you just look I mean look at it so last time I went to a restaurant with Archie he hadn't arrived yet my son and then my phone goes like that and it's a picture of my bald head so he's taking it through the window yeah you know it's nice but that is man love to me in the English way going I love you is just too American I'll never do that

1:01:31James Acaster: Yeah, did Joe used to say that when you were kids? Would Joe say to his parents, I love you, Mum and Dad? I don't know. I said, we love you, Joe. I would do. Have yourself to some sweet. It wasn't Mum. It was Muv. Muv. Muv, yes. Best snack ever and best smelling everything. Kitchen. Warm house. And two tellies. Wow. Neither of them were black and white. They were both colour. Joe. And you were allowed them on. Wow. Right, rather than half an hour. You know, like your dad, you can't watch Harry and Ville. Yeah. It's nine o 'clock, you wicked boy. You know, he's awful, and I don't know why we'd pay our licence for even.

1:02:11Yeah. Yes, go to bed or I'll get you. Exactly what your dad said, right? Yeah, it would be exactly like that. No, my dad was loving it. He was watching it himself. Yeah. He would watch it on his own. Yeah. And then say, you can watch this bit. Yeah, yeah. I love that. Yeah, that was. Yeah. And I had to style it out at school. I'm sorry if I had a video cassette of it, I'd give you one, but I don't anymore. I think I've still got a video cassette. Have you? At my mum's house, yeah. Yeah. With all the Harry and Lulu sketches on. Really? Yeah, yeah. He loves Harry and Lulu. I love Harry and Lulu.

1:02:43Really? So violent. But how old were you then? Well, when that series came out, when was that? Like late 90s? You'd have been nine. Yeah. Yeah, I probably watched it. The kind of one that really took off at that was Teletubbies. Because we did a sketch very early on called English for Aliens. And we all dressed up in these big fat things but with glasses. Yeah. And it was like words, like tea. And the word is tree. And we'd go, babe. Tree. No, tree. And then I think Charlie Hicks said, tree. And then we'd all go, tree, tree, tree, tree. Okay. and people used to tell me after that, they said, my kid, my little two-year-old, my little toddler, they just love watching that.

1:03:32They want to watch that all the time. Yeah. Three years later, Teletubbies came out. Oh. And it's exactly the same, literally exactly the same. Wow. Same aerials on their heads. This is going to happen with Here to Eat as well. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, that's it, you see. I'm a trailblazer. You are. Yeah, yeah. Having said that, that wasn't my idea. English for Aliens. It was Charlie's, I think.

1:03:55James Acaster: Oh, which is why... I mean, famously, Charlie Higson gives himself the most amount of dialogue when he writes a sketch. Does he? Yeah. Well, I think that is... So then he gives himself the word, the one word. That's a reaction to my show, because when we did our show together, I wouldn't let him be in anything. Right, okay. I said, Charlie, you're shit. I said, Paul, you can do it. No, Charlie, you're shit. You can't do it. So he's like, Paul, can we do our own show? Can I be in it? Paul's going, yeah. I do very quick sketches. Everyone, you know, Harry won't let us do. Like, ooh, suits you, sir.

1:04:31Can we do them on the show? Worked out. Worked out really well.

1:04:35James Acaster: Worked out pretty well. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, every sketch that Charlie Higston's written, it's like a monologue by him. Yes, the black, the black. And then someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those things where it's like, I mean, they're really funny. But once it's pointed out to you, you go, oh, yeah. Every single Charlie Hickson sketch is a Charlie Hickson monologue. I love it. And I read your menu back to you now. I loved it. What's he called? Bob Fleming. Bob Fleming. Oh, yeah. Bob Fleming was great. He was there in his throat all the time. And Ted, you know, Ted and Ralph, sorry. I was so wrong about Charlie.

1:05:08Yeah. I was so wrong.

1:05:10James Acaster: He did you. Yeah, yeah. But then maybe, you know. He didn't do. Maybe without your tough man love. Yeah. He wouldn't have become what he became. Yes. Yeah, he would have been. still a failed well not failed semi successful pop star yes which he was I bought his single when it first came out it was record of the week his first single the Hickson in the NME do you want to sing that one do you mind yeah you remember all the words to that as well that's amazing It was like before it was funk meets punk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Right, before Trouble Funk and all that. They were doing like little funky sort of things, yeah, and their first record got record a week, and after that every record they had out was just panned.

1:06:07Yeah. I don't know why. They were just like, I don't know what happened there. But I actually drove them to their gigs in the early days when I was doing a double act with my friend Brian to earn a bit of money. I was their driver. We went to Arrowsworth University. Drive the van for them. Oh, wow. I was their roadie. Yeah.

1:06:26James Acaster: And what was that first single called? What was the band called? I Don't Want to Live with Monkeys by the Higsons. Great. If you look it up. I'm going to get that immediately. Yeah, well, you can look it up on the Spotify and you will see it. Is that? Yeah. Well, that's exciting. I didn't know that existed. Well, you don't know much then, do you? VG, man, you're back now. Tell me what you think of it. You would like fizzy water. You would like focaccia with olive oil and salt. You want six oysters, including rock and Lindisfarne, with Tabasco. You want truffle pasta. You want a pig's coca van.

1:07:00James Acaster: You would like horta broccoli with chilli, cabbage and triple-cooked chips on the side. Drink a bottle of shabli. And dessert rhubarb crumble Malcolm with a Colin custard. Thank you very much. Perfect. How's that sound? That sounds good. Yeah. What about coffee? Don't we do that? Oh, you can have a coffee after. What kind of coffee do you like? I like a double espresso decaf if it's the evening. Yeah. Otherwise I don't sleep. Yeah, yeah. We can bring that over. I mean, because it's the dream restaurant. And what about, you know, Petty Fours? Oh, yeah. You can have some Petty Fours. What are your favourite types of Petty Fours?

1:07:36I like one chocolate and one jelly. Yeah. One jelly one. Yeah, yeah. we'll bring you one chocolate and one jelly of Pettifors would you like a Pettifors I've brought you something you've brought something this is an envelope that's been yes that's been on the table for the whole thing you've got to share it okay yes okay

1:07:54James Acaster: there there we go for Ed and James happy 20th of March but it's not the 20th of March remember no yeah sorry do it again okay ahem of November for Ed and James happy of October thank you opening the envelope so there's a petty one in here there's a petty one in here we're going to share this James oh wow it's a chocolate lolly that says Harry Enfield on it yes I love this thank you Harry I played the Reading hexagon and that was in my dressing room oh ok right so initially I thought you'd been somewhere and had a chocolate message lollipop made with just simply your own name on it Yeah. That's the kind of thing I'd do.

1:08:42But it was in there, and I thought, wouldn't it be nice? Because if you share it, you can both say you've eaten Harry Enfield. Yes. Do you want the Harry or the Enfield? The cannibalism. Yeah. A bit of cannibalism. And also it's got a little sexual sort of nuance to it, hasn't it? Yes. Many things do. Oh, yes. So whoever your next guest is, have you ever eaten Harry Enfield? Yeah. There we go. Do you like it? Yeah. I love it. I was going to go this way. The Reading Hexagon just left you a lolly with your own name on it. Yes. It's sweet, isn't it? Isn't it sweet? Yeah. I'll give you the stick. Thank you.

1:09:16Have you played the Reading Hexagon? Yeah, I've played the Reading Hexagon a few times, actually, and they have never left me a chocolate lolly with my name on it. Really? Yeah.

1:09:23James Acaster: I did it once, supporting Milton Jones, and afterwards an audience member hated my set so much because they went to see Milton, and I was just the support act. They were annoyed they were the support act. So they went on my Wikipedia, and they altered my Wikipedia to say that my performance at the Reading Hexagon was so abysmal that afterwards I was confronted about the poor quality of my comedy and I burst into tears. That's what they wrote on there. Yeah. And was it true? I don't think so. I don't remember it. Oh, but you've remembered that. I remember that because it was like my dad at the time used to...

1:09:57James Acaster: Your dad at the time? Yeah. He got a new one. Yeah. He used to monitor my Wikipedia. Yeah. I didn't ask him to, but he would go, now James, someone's put this, just checking if it's true or not, because if it's not, I'll take it down. I was like, Dad, if it is true, I hope you would take it down. Yeah. But he was like, no, if it's not true, I'll take it down if it's factually inaccurate. So did you cry or not? I wonder who that was. Yeah. Yeah. Milton. Good old dad at the time. Yeah. Yeah. Lovely dad at the time. I've only met Milton Jones once, and Paul and I, we were on tour, and there was Milton Jones and one other of those young comedians, young people.

1:10:35Young Milton? We're staying in the same hotel as them in Manchester, and then we're chatting away, and then, you know, they're over there, and we just go, you all right? Like that. You all right? Who are they? But I knew who Melton Jones was. Yeah. Very funny. I went, hello. Paul and I went over there, had a bit of a drink, and then suddenly his voice goes, Harry, turn around. It's Nigel Farag. Oh, my God. So, oh, Nigel, hello. What are you doing here? Well, he'd done a sketch with us, you see. When was this? About 15 years ago, when he was a joke, really, we did a sketch where we're trying to be more like Ricky Gervais so we can be more successful.

1:11:19Right, okay. So it's about the time of extras. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we're talking like that, yeah? Ooh, and then we have an A-list celebrity come round. Yeah, it's my house. They go, A-list celebrity, yeah? Come here, man. Harry's A-list celebrity, mate. And it's Nigel Farage. And he comes in and, you know, the joke is it's not David Bowie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's this joke figure. Well, then, of course, it all kicked off. He was a joke. Yeah, yeah. And suddenly it's like, oh, my God. So there we are in this bar, you know, having a little drink. And there's nice wine. He was very nice when he came to us.

1:11:56He didn't ask, you know, didn't even ask for a sandwich or anything. He just came and did it very professional, fucked up. and so of course I had to get him a drink you know I could not get him a drink you could see Milton Jones his mate like look at me so I like neck my drink so I've got to go to bed you know bye bye leave Paul there with him where fuck off straight away that's so funny and then of course Milton Jones and his mate they came over and sat up half the night with him drinking with him these young comedians I have heard that story from Milton yeah yeah

1:12:33James Acaster: yeah I saw Milton pretty soon after that he was like guess what happened the other day Harry thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and thank you so much for our Harry Enfield lollipop thank you do you eat oh you can't I will I'll just I'll intact in a second I'll uh yeah I'll just need to give some insulin you've got Harry Enphy Har Enphy I've got Har Enphy Har Enphy James thank you for eating my chocolate with such a plum it's straight away yeah yeah he does that you really do yeah yeah Like a teenager. Exactly like a teenager. That's what I used to love about Harry. That with Cathy, she really understood the teenage man.

1:13:08So if we had a meal scene, she'd always just go, and just eat fucking everything really quickly. This is not a time where you have a conversation. Just eat that desperation. It was like that.

1:13:22James Acaster: I tell you what, I mean, before we go, your secret ingredient for this episode was a lolly. No. A fab lolly. A Lions Made Fab. A fab, of course. Because you... I did an advert with Paul. You love fab. They're lollipop-tastic. Yeah. But they're not even called Lions Made anymore. No. They're called, I don't know, Nestle or something. Yeah, yeah. But everyone loved those adverts. You were smashing it nicely. So I needed to say Lions Made Fab. Yeah, have you said fab lolly? You said fab lolly. But this was not on your dream menu. This was a gift for us and it's not a fab lolly. This reminded me that...

1:14:00James Acaster: You're fine. We were going to get you with a lolly. If you said a fab. Yeah, we're going to kick you out. I didn't say anything was fab. No, no, no, no. Thank God for that. Said cock a lot. God, I... Thank you so much, Harry. Thank you very much. Thank you, Harry. Thank you.

1:14:22Well, there we are. What a delight to meet Harry Enfield, James. Brilliant stuff. Lovely menu. Lovely menu. Great guy. Great guy. and he gave us a little petit four at the end. He did. He gave us a chocolate lolly. I left my half until after I'd had my lunch and then James had it.

1:14:37James Acaster: Yep. I had the whole chocolate lolly. Yes. I liked it. Yeah. It was good. Yeah. Thanks to the Reading Hexagon. Yeah. I've got to say Reading Hexagon step your game up. I think I'll be there on my tour Fresh Hell next year. Tickets on sale now at gamble.co.uk. I'd like a chocolate lolly Reading Hexagon but I want Harry Enfield written on mine. Yes. Didn't say fad lolly so we didn't kick him out no exactly we didn't kick him out I told him I fessed up that was the secret ingredient it was already the end of the episode I think that's fine yeah that's fine make sure you go and see Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour fame.co.uk for tickets oh and we got sent something the good people at drumroll Kerrigold pretty cool this is since series one Kerrigold has been getting shout outs on the pod it's always meant a lot to us Kerrigold and we're very excited genuinely that they've reached out and sent these to us.

1:15:33This is from Kerrygold and All Day Goods. Okay. And there's stickers in here.

1:15:38James Acaster: Got some butter stickers, which I was going to be like, I don't need these, but my partner is going through a massive sticker phase and she absolutely loves this kind of shit. James's partner is of age, by the way. Yeah, just so you know. I just think you need to be careful with phrases like sticker phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was poor. Because my wife loves stickers and stuff as well. Yeah, but poor word in for me. Sticker phases. Yeah, saying she's going for a phase and it's stickers. This is a gorgeous butter knife. And I can say that now I'm 40. The weight of it. It's a good weight.

1:16:13It's a beautiful marbling effect on the handle. I love the shape of it.

1:16:15James Acaster: I mean, look, I know a lot of you might be thinking, oh, they do unboxing things now and they're doing like paid promo. We're not. We're not. We've just got to send these. We've genuinely been sent this and we're quite excited about it. And this is our genuine reaction, which is that we like the weight and the shape of it. and the marble effect it's a genuine special moment in our lives now that we've been given these thanks to All Day Goods and to Kerrygold for sending the butter knife this is edgy this pod isn't it it's a pretty edgy pod this is an edgy pod thanks for the butter knives and a quite amusing James it says best before where you would normally have on a bit of butter it says best before breakfast, lunch and dinner that's good that's good that is good stuff cheers cheers

1:17:04Oh, before you go, episode 232 of Off Menu. What a good episode. Who was the guest on that episode? It was so funny. Oh, yeah, that's right. It was me, Stuart Laws.

1:17:13James Acaster: Why am I here now? It's because I have my own podcast. It's called Weak Minded with Stuart Laws and Daman Bamra. It's recently award winning. It's a weekly, funny, warm check-in. I recommend it. Look, if you liked episode 232 and who didn't, listen to Weak Minded with Stuart Laws and Daman Bamra. Thank you.