Ian Smith

0:12Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the pistachios of humour, cracking the shells of friendship and popping them into the mouth of the internet. Just pistachios? Yep. That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite the guest and ask them their favourite ever starter, main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, the guest is... Ian Smith. Ian Smith, a wonderful comedian, James. So funny. One of the most naturally funny people I think I've ever met in my life. Very funny. Very funny comedian, podcaster.

0:45He has a podcast called Northern News that he does with another friend of the pod, Amy Gledhill. Yeah, so imagine how funny that is. Yes. The Amy Gledhill episode. Funny as hell. Ian Smith, funny as hell. Both of them together. Yes. He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch. Amazing show. Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with Foots Bar half empty. For dates and tickets, go to theiansmithcomedian.com. Looking forward to talking to Ian, but if he has a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he'll be thrown out of the dream restaurant. James has come up with this one, and I think it's harsh.

1:19This week, the secret ingredient is salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. There's a reason for this, isn't there, James? Ian comes from Ghoul, and in Ghoul they have the salt and pepper pots, these giant, I think they're like towers for something. They look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit, but they're nicknamed the salt and pepper pots. Yes. And he spoke about them before. He did a really funny series online about Ghoul, and he spoke about it on stage. so I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots. Now, I know it's harsh to say salt and pepper because it's probably in everything.

1:52So we're going to say if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out. Yes. Or even if he's like saying the ingredients and says... Salt and pepper, yeah. Salt and pepper is very important. That's got to be in there. You know, and look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages. No, and I don't think anyone's actually ever said, oh, don't forget, I'm going to put salt and pepper all over this. Yeah, that's what I thought is that I can't really remember that happening very often. So if it does happen, he deserves it. I would say if I was picking a fried egg.

2:20You would put salt and pepper on the fried egg? You would specify that? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I don't think I would specify for a fried egg. I think I'd specify pepper for certain things. You're not putting salt and pepper on a fried egg? No, I just eat it. Just have it as it is. Maybe on a boiled egg, salt and pepper. Correct, but why not the fried? Completely different. If I'm having fried eggs and bacon, I'm putting salt and pepper on the egg and I'm putting pepper on the bacon. Maybe some pepper, but not some salt. I mean, the bacon's salty enough. I want that to salt up the egg. It's not going to salt up the egg.

2:54No, you're mad. I am mad.

3:02Mad for Ian Smith. This is the Off Menu Menu of Ian Smith.

3:14Welcome Ian to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Izmeth, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been to you for some time. Yeah, thank you very much. I've only ever heard that before. I've never seen it. I don't normally laugh during it, but I liked your cheery hello. Yeah, yeah. For some reason it made me laugh. How did the way it look match up to how it sounds for you? Why is that going to spoil it for people if they've got an image? but his arms are out like the angel of the north oh how long did that take how long did that take everyone that wasn't meant to be a cynical I'm northern that's my only angle really it's happened you want to plug your podcast northern news so you've immediately brought up the angel of the north oh no let's not do it because that looks like that's what I've done well listen you've done it now we're here tell us about northern news Ian um yeah it's a podcast very much like this sort of um format wise It's recorded in this room, to be fair.

4:12Yeah, it's recorded in this room, often overlapping with an episode of Off Menu. That's why you can hear it in the background. Yeah, we just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town, weird stories, and we talk about them. Yeah. It doesn't sound like there's much to it. I've been on this idea. It's a podcast, isn't it? It doesn't need to be much to it. I love it. It's a great podcast. It's part of the Plosive family. It is. I've been on it, and you get a guest to bring in a funny news story from their local area where they grew up. Unfortunately, I grew up in London, so all of the local news stories I found were quite violent.

4:48Yeah, it's harder to find. You've got to get more creative with your searches in London. You've got to put stuff like, I put weird in quotation marks, but then it'll just be like, man stabbed in weird way. Yeah, it's difficult. Yeah, just to be clear as well. Oh, yeah. You record it here, you're part of the plosive family, but Benito is not your producer. You have a different producer. No, no. I've never seen him at the helm of a podcast before. Yeah. It's a very different vibe, isn't it? Because you come in today and your producer is here and she's having lunch out there and you came in and your interaction with her really made me think, oh, that's a nicer vibe than what we've got going.

5:26Yeah, because you went, beans on toast to her. And she went, yeah, I'm eating beans on toast. Just to clarify, she was eating beans on toast. That is not Ian's nickname for the producer. No, no, no. I mean, it's not like she hasn't got a dog called Beans and Ben had his dog in and they were mating. But like, Beans on Toast. She was like, yeah, that's right. And I was thinking, if I came in and was eating Beans on Toast and I went, Beans on Toast. He would scrunch his face up at me and go, yes. It would be like, and? And then we're like, oh, sorry. And then like, yeah, we came in here before the podcast and he said to us like, are you everyone warm enough?

6:05And Ed said, I'm a bit cold. went with the heaters on and we sat down and I was thinking it must be very different for you and your gang because I've seen your gang on nights out before together you and Amy we hang out if it's too cold Anya will put her beans on toast closer to us so the heat from the beans will get us if that's what's needed yeah that's nice this Ben he's a surly miserable yes it's a different vibe but I just see you guys I'm so jealous but also what I would say to back Benito up slightly is if you came in and shouted beans on toast and he was eating beans on toast and he would go yes and scrunch his face up.

6:41So that should show you that he doesn't like that sort of thing. But instead what you do is you then do it more. I try and break through that wall. He doesn't want you to break through the wall. He likes his wall and he loves being behind it. Have you not in all this time found something that Benito would like? He does it, he loves it. He laughs on the podcast when we do something wrong. Yes, he likes that. If we're embarrassed or we say something wrong, he loves that. He likes our own, like, yeah, if we fall short of what is expected of us. James once got the name of a guest wrong at the top of the episode and Benito loved that.

7:16Even though I got it wrong because he had sent us the name of the guest beforehand and autocorrected to change their name. So it was kind of his fault. Yes. And you just went with the autocorrect? Yeah. And it really gave away that I didn't, which is obviously awful because I've already spoke to them in the, you know, out there. I've already been like, hey, welcome to the podcast. So glad you're on it. We're so excited. Sit down, get their name wrong. Yeah, you don't know who they are. No, and then they know that. Oh, okay, this guy's full of shit. I was once at a gig brought on to the comp, I went, time for our next act.

7:53It's, um, oh, and then they looked over at me and they went, ah, I'm looking at him and I'm, I know him I know him I know him and then I said what's your name and I looked at I was in a mood and I looked at the promoter I was like I'm not saying my fucking name I'm not shouting my own name out yeah it's embarrassing it's Ian Smith and then going one of my favourite comedians here good friend of mine yeah just in a mood I was silent and then the promoter went Ian Smith but in that sort of tone and then I died on my house for 20 minutes yeah of course no respect for that audience Also, if a compel's forgotten your name, even if he remembered it, no offence to your name, but it sounds like he's made it up on the spot.

8:38Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get brought on as Ian Stone quite a lot. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm sure, listen, Ian Stone is a completely different comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of a different generation, yes. Yeah, yeah. But I'll do his stuff. He's got good gear. Yeah, he's a good comic. To be fair, you put Ian Stone in any room, he's going to rip it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take that. Yeah, more so than me, actually. Yeah. Well, we all do respect. I think that was the subtext of what James was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Putting in stone in it. There was an emphasis on stone. Putting in stone in any room.

9:07But just to be clear, more than any of us. I think Ian Stone's hit rate obliterates our hit rate combined, the three of us. So I think you said the angel of the north, because you are connected with the north. That's where your heart lies. Because I think there's other outstretched arms things that you could have compared James' body of his hand. Titanic. Titanic, Jesus. Yeah. But I think that's it. Titanic Jesus Angel of the North Paul Gorton from the Tracers just before he bowed oh yeah of course sorry Ed's up a job can't get his head out of that apologies I think all four of them would get on as well I think they would that's dream dinner party line up dream blunt rotation yeah dream blunt rotation Jesus Paul from the Tracers Angel of the North and Kate Winslet Kate Winslet I guess is the off blunt rotation yeah yeah that's a good idea Get me not Coke.

10:00Well, it's a good new format point for Off Menu, really, isn't it? We do poppadoms or bread and then do dream blunt rotation. Pass the blunt. If we were, I mean, we are sat in a circle. Yeah. If you had to pass the blunt now, I'm opposite you, so I guess I'm out. But if you've got to pass the blunt to either Benito or Ed. And don't be swayed by musical use, who, of course, said pass the duchy to the left-hand side. Yeah, don't be. Hang on, so I'm no longer making up the people. it's just who would I pass who would I pass drugs to now well I'd say Ben doesn't like having being shouted at him I don't know if he's going to be a big recreational drug user so I'd probably say Ed and if I'd never met Ed before I'd be like he's got tattoos he doesn't have tattoos druggie never touched a drug in his life so you're passing to me then I have to pass to James which leaves James in the unfortunate situation of passing to the great passing it back to Ed I guess I guess that's what I've got to do Yeah That's good Dream blunt rotation Also let's talk about Your new tour show Crushing Oh Oh Also let's talk about You made another mistake Benito's loving it Here's the thing as well Look at you genuinely smiling I was gonna Yeah now he's smiling Because I made a mistake See how delighted he is He does like that He's really happy that I fucked it up And that it's your new special And not your new tour show But it was a tour And now it's been announced Especially Well, here's the really bad thing.

11:27I was gonna, for a joke, get the name wrong because I'd done that, you know, we'd talked about me getting names. So I was gonna get the name of your special wrong and I thought, no, don't do that. Do it proper. And then I got it wrong anyway. You got it wrong anyway, yeah. You're a natural. I'm a natural. Crushing the new comedy special for me and Smith. Yeah, I did a show and then you just do it, you do it until, until you're nearly barred of it. Yep. Oh, I've just realised you're bad at plugging your own stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, this is, whatever is about to happen here it's not going to get more eyes on this special oh really really it's good it's good it's about stress romance and driving a tank over a car with your hairdresser that's the three main things that's good actually to be honest that's going to get a lot of eyes on it that's good a lot of people are going to be intrigued by that not a lot of comedians are doing tank stuff especially with the hairdresser I know a lot of comedians are driving a tank over a car but they're never with a hairdresser and a lot of people are doing hairdresser stuff but I'm the only one who's seen the opportunity to combine the two in Slovakia as well another USP I can't even imagine being in Slovakia with my hairdresser I want to hear the story just to know how you ended up even if I bumped into them I'd be like this is crazy so you've either gone on holiday with your hairdresser or you've bumped into the Min Slovakia.

12:55Or they were in the car. Or they were in the... Oh, oh. That you drove the tank over. I don't like him. It's a sad story. Well, no, you just realised just at the last second as the tank went over, you're like, that's my head. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to find someone else. Rather than I've killed someone. Yeah, yeah. Be like, I have to find someone else. Say hairdresser rather than barber. Oh, here we go. Macho, macho man here. No, it's just I'm interested. I don't know why. I've always introduced him as... we had a conversation where I'd introduce him as my hairdresser and then as we got to know each other more I'd introduce him as my friend yes that's lovely but the first few times I introduced him to someone early on in our relationship I would probably say this is my hairdresser Dom and he'd be standing behind you yeah always or he'd be behind them and I'd give them a mirror that's my hairdresser behind you oh oh very nice yeah yeah yeah it's very nice yeah but he just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to should you get a pint after this wow we'd have but he's into comedy I've done some little comedy films with him and yeah then we'd start drinking and then it would be more calculated like when can we get our hair well I get my hair let me do his but what time is good for you to cut my hair when then there's free time afterwards where we can hang out for a little bit yeah Yeah, and it's just become a really good friendship.

14:22Some people would say it's sad that you've had to get a friendship through essentially the service industry. But no, I think it's lovely. Hey, look, a lot of men do it. What, a friend? She's my friend. She's my friend, really, more than anything. We message a lot. Your hair looks fantastic as well, which is just as well, because it's hard to, like, even when you're not friends with your hairdresser, to leave you to go somewhere else and get your hair cut, I find it's a bit awkward. Yeah, yeah. If I was really good friends with them, then I'd be like, well, how am I... If they stopped doing a good job, I'd be like, what the fuck?

15:00Well, James and I were friends with our hairdresser for a bit. We had the same hairdresser. But then he sorted out the awkwardness by just quitting hairdressing. He just quit hairdressing. So we didn't... I mean, it wasn't awkward because we were happy with our hair, but when he quit, you're just like, well, let's go somewhere else. Yeah. I've just put my first one somewhere. It's close to me. it's mainly a distance thing I was travelling all that way to go and get my hair cut I think I'd travel far for Dom yeah how far well Slovakia I guess yeah so that was a good plug that's a good plug well done man hair plugs oh

15:35yeah yeah oh man you've got to clip that up because that's more of a visual thing yeah is that Ed just looked at it and went ah well I said Ed the joke I made it was just like answer smash or whatever on a house of games hair plugs I looked at Ian straight away for a reaction and got nothing I didn't know what to say to him eventually there was a little pause but then I said yes it's a yes rather than the laugh you've got to clip that up the main thing that I want from this is that we go viral. Yes. At some point. It would be great. Shall we begin and see what virality we can mine from? I'm going to ask you for the first question, and you've got to go viral.

16:28What am I answer for this?

16:33Still a spark of water. Difficult to go viral with it. It's hard to go viral with that, isn't it? Oh, come on. Blood. That'd be great. Give that the right title, clickbait-wise. Yeah, yeah. Northern comic drinks blood Northern comic destroys Heckler with blood Yeah Have you ever destroyed a Heckler? I don't think there's any left now They've all been destroyed Yeah They've all been humanly blown up Yeah Like a bike left at a train station Do they blow up bikes? They destroy them, yeah Do they? It'll say if a bike's left unattended They'll get destroyed But I thought they only did that with things that could have bombs in them A bike can have a bomb in it No, a bike's got no insides a bike's showing everything off isn't it the frames tyres there's something in there you're not getting much of a bomb in there are you stink bombs basically getting a firework in there yeah stink bombs grew up on the Beano stink bombs is a big thing in my head yeah yeah stink bombs stink bombs pea shooters catapults yeah really they're big in Beano world big piles of sausage and mash yeah yeah I think I've only had two out of that list sausage and mash yeah and a catapult am I allowed to take back blood?

17:47no I don't think so that was your answer no I don't really want that if you don't mind not going viral yeah I don't mind not going viral okay you can take back blood do you think you'd be a good vampire? thank you if you became a vampire if someone bit you and turned you into one I guess that's the traditional way yeah but there's all what came first the vampire or the bite yeah sure bat a bat yeah a bat started it yeah yeah yeah okay like covid I think I would be a good vampire. Mike, can I ask a secondary question before I answer? Yes. What makes a bad vampire? Good point. I guess, like, you've really got to want to be a vampire.

18:26You've got to want to go around fighting people, drinking blood, staying up all night, not ever being in daylight again. Oh, yeah. You know, you've got to enjoy that lifestyle. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable for eternity. Well, like, the guy, I don't know if he ever saw True Blood. The show True Blood. No, I didn't. But there was vampires in that who didn't want to kill humans and drink blood. So they found a way of making synthetic blood that you could sustain yourself on. Oh, so yeah, that'd be all right, even if I didn't like it. But yeah, I think nightlife-wise, I'd probably hang out a lot at the Hippodrome.

19:0124 hours. Yeah. So yeah, I'd probably get up at sunset, go to the Hippodrome, try and get a circle of friends in the sort of poker world. There's going to be some sad characters around there, aren't there? Yeah, but they're the ones that I'll kill. Oh, okay, great. Don't have to eat them. No, don't eat them. But I've added that. Yeah. But that's how good a vampire I'd be. You see the whole thing. You go to the Hippodrome Casino at sunset, spend all night there befriending sad, lonely people and then eat their blood. What do they call it at a restaurant? Like top to tail. Yeah, yeah. Top to tail as a vampire.

19:37Nose to tail, yeah. And you probably preach to all the other vampires is how you shouldn't be wasting the whole animal. Hair to foot, I'd call it. Be a hair to foot vampire. Hat to shoe. Yeah. Would you buy your hairdresser or Amy Gledhill? No, people who I work with are close friends. I don't think I would. No. Unless they wanted to be a vampire as well. You'd leave them be? Yeah. So I'd probably tell them that I was a vampire. Yeah. Because with the scheduling of doing the podcast, Amy'd be like, can we do like one o 'clock? Yeah. What, in July? Be like, no, we fucking can't. Yeah. I'm a vampire yeah remember I keep telling you I'm a vampire now but if I told her I was a vampire she'd just say save it for the pod yeah you can't have any conversation that looks like it might be a good conversation yeah yeah without having to stop it and be like oh let's just save this save it for the pod yeah sad isn't it yeah well you said that about your notebook at the top Ed went to comment on your notebook and you went not a notebook what is it it's a diary he's got a paper diary with a notebook section which is classic vampire behaviour yeah yeah And wait till you see this for a paper notebook.

20:42You think that's sad. It's colour coordinated. Wow. You've highlighted. Yeah. Joe, what? We can't use this clip, by the way, because the amount I get paid for gigs is written on there as well. Start going viral. This is not what I would expect of you, Ian. Really? Yeah, like this is like, not that I think of you as a disorganised person. I've known you for a long time. You're a very hardworking, talented man. Thank you. But I would not expect you to be this regimented. Yeah. You've got about four different colours there that you're using to highlight things. It's like we're interviewing Stephen Bartlett.

21:17Yeah. Oh, yeah. You've got Stephen Bartlett. Can I quickly talk about Huel as well, though? I've got some good stuff about Huel. That's your answer for Stella Sparkling. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't really know what to say about that because it's like, you're such a completely different person in my mind. Yeah. Really? Yeah, I've always thought of you. I'd say you fall into the scamp category. Really? A scamp. Cheeky little scamp. Yeah, a bit of a cheeky little scamp. I think what James is saying is he didn't expect you to have an organised diary. He expected all of your stuff to be written on a leaf in shit.

21:47Yeah. You sort of wanted... Somewhere in between. Let's find a middle ground. Yeah, I think I give off a very sort of gravy kind of vibe. Oh, no, come on. Dumb novel. Is that what you're saying, James? No, it's not what I was saying. No, if that's what you mean, that's absolutely fine. Maybe I do have to go away and examine that. Yeah, but I once lost my diary and I'm in my life's room. Well, this is the problem with the paper diary, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Do you have a digital backup? I have a part digital backup. I will back it up. I back it up basically whenever someone's gone, you got a paper diary.

22:19Right. And then I remember I should back that up. So surely that'd be every day someone says that. No, I don't get my diary out a lot. Yeah. I've gone, not really in demand work-wise. Could have thought, that's chock-a-block. Yeah, that is chock-a-block. Yeah, but I've put... Unless all three colours mean day off. Yeah, only orange is personal time. Can you give us a little preview of the diary? A little sneak peek? Right. Oh, fucking hell. This is sad. Well, this is our September starts, all right. Coming back from Berlin, that's in orange. That's my time. This is last September. Last September, yeah.

22:55You and your hairdresser? No. No, this was a more reasonable Berlin with my girlfriend visiting her brother and his wife. Lovely. come back on the third in yellow because this is something I need to remember cancel my Apple TV subscription and we're currently in January I've still got Apple TV still got it so the colour code doesn't work at all still got it haven't watched anything Severance in there Phil Wang Phil Wang Party I've written Phil Wang Party what colour is that? that's in yellow as well so that's something you have to remember that's an appointment I need to remember so that doesn't get orange that gets yellow No, that should get orange.

23:35Is it Phil Wang party or is it cancel Phil Wang party? Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, so get an Apple TV subscription and cancel Phil Wang's party. Yeah, cancel Phil Wang. He says a lot of questionable stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's just gigs, Northern News. Oh, here we go. You'll love this. Birthday, Kudu. Have you been to Kudu, Peckham? We have. We all went together on a menu trip. Oh, yeah. Delicious. That's in yellow. Because you've got to remember it. Yeah, yeah. Your birthday doesn't fall into personal. They've got a little sticker on it. Oh, a sticker? I didn't know there's stickers involved.

24:08What are the stickers about? Where do you buy the stickers from? You don't buy the stickers, that'd be humiliating. In the back of your pad, you get this little section here. It's a little pouch. It's a little pocket that's also completely, you couldn't put anything in it because it's open at the bottom. Yeah, well, you put your hand for it. Because it's well used. but that had little stickers in it and I thought I want to use those stickers for something so I pop them down on my mum's birthday my dad's birthday my brother's and then my own which I think has become sad what are the stickers what's it a sticker of on your own birthday you'll love this birthday cake you'll love that, that's food and why don't you use a diary in your phone or like so that you couldn't lose it you know yeah yeah I mean it's a good question I think I like to visualise where listen I've said this before that I like to visualise my week and month and then people say you can do that online yeah so just pre-empting your criticism I can visualise it online I like highlighter pens I guess is what yeah it ultimately will come down to yes pop loves all bread pop loves all bread Ian Smith pop loves all bread I don't think we actually got the water.

25:30Blood is the answer. Blood has to be the answer now. Okay, well, I mean, blood, bread, please. Yeah. To mop up the blood? Yeah, well, the whole menu has changed. Trying to compliment blood. But yeah, it would have to be bread. Talk to us about the bread. What's the bread that you want? Well, I had, like, two options in my head. One of them seemed pretentious. Don't worry about that. Are you worried you're going to lose some of the more grassroots northern followers that you have if you sound pretentious? Well, my options are Scottish and pretentious. Not that the two can't meet. Absolutely not.

26:14Example of when the two do meet? Oh. Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Edinburgh and everyone. Most pretentious place I've ever been in my life. Fair enough. So I think my favourite bit of bread. Have you ever had a buttery? I don't know if it's also kind of like a rowey, an Aberdeen rowey, rowey. I don't know how you say this shit, but I like it. Talk us through it. I think I've heard of it as a buttery. So butteries, they're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant, and they're made using a lot of fat, like butter and lard in there, and they were invented for, like, fishermen to give them, like, energy for the day because there's just so much fat in it.

26:59But yeah, it's like a sort of condensed croissant. Yeah, it's just so sort of buttery and flaky. And they're very nice. But you can burn them in an instant and they can be ruined. So I think I will go with that. Yeah. My other option was potato damper. I want to cook it a bit more on some hot coals. I had that in a restaurant. What's potato damper? You've got to describe what that is. And also, it doesn't sound pretentious to me. Really? Yeah. So this is, I was in a restaurant in Adelaide. I think it's called Onana, shout out to whoever they are. But it was one of the few very expensive 12-course restaurants I went to.

27:40I went with the comedian Lloyd Langford, who's very good to go to, quite a pretentious restaurant. He cuts it all away with lovely conversation. And the first course was a potato damper, which I think is just like a potatoey bread. They put a stick in it. So it's got a stick and some leaves, and it's served on hot coals, and you kind of finish it off on the hot coals. Nice. Which sounds a bit... I like some of those restaurants, but some of it's a bit wanky. But I like that. I liked finishing off the bread, and I like the sort of scorch of charcoal. Yeah. So that's one that you can burn a little bit.

28:17Oh, yeah. You can burn a potato damper. Whereas the buttery, you can't burn it. No, no. They both sound delicious. Yeah. You can have a little bread basket, have both of them in there. Oh, I'd love that, yeah. But you need the coals situation, don't you? Well, maybe could I have a bread basket with minimum two not quite cooked bits of bread and I'll finish them off myself on hot coals. Do you want Lloyd there to take the edge off the potato damper so it's not as pretentious? Yeah, I would like that. What sort of things was Lloyd saying that took the edge off? My favourite thing, so one of the courses, we had a crocodile soup with botanicals.

28:55Right. Wow. And they give you this ball of botanical leaves, and there's a list of what leaves are in the ball, and they invite you to take the leaves out, crack them, put them in your mouth, have a little taste of them, and see if you can correspond them to their name. Yeah. And if you're doing that by yourself, I think is sadder than my diary. Just like lining up your little leaves near your list. Honestly, Ian, when you were describing it, all I was thinking was, I'd love to just do that alone. Really? I'd love it. But you could do that. That'd be heaven. The problem is someone needs to present you with it.

29:29Because if you collect some leaves and then have a list of the leaves you've got, you know whatever. Oh, yeah. In this restaurant scenario, eating alone is what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking I'd collect the botanicals myself, go home and set up an exam for myself. Yeah, yeah. And crack them and eat them. Good luck making your own crocodile soup as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the thing that Lloyd does. Does he sing crocodile soup to the tune of crocodile shoes? He would do that. No, but I'd love that. My dad's a big Jimmy Nail fan. Yeah. I know more about the two Crocodile Shoes albums than a lot of people on the comedy circuit.

30:00Did you know there was a sequel to Crocodile Shoes? I did not know there was a sequel to it. Yeah, Crocodile Shoes 2. Wow, I thought only rappers did sequels to their albums, but Jimmy Nail did it. Jimmy Nail and rappers. Crocodile Shoes 2. Yeah. Everything you say I want to talk about for 15 minutes. Yeah, that's the issue here. Yeah. But a quick highlight that Lloyd said, one of the plants was called Lemon Myrtle. and in what was quite it's a very cool restaurant but I guess there's a bit of a stuffiness I guess to some of the clientele of that restaurant it was quite quiet and Lloyd just bit a leaf and really loudly went Lemon Myrtle all day long all day long and put it in he was saying stuff like that and I liked that we went on holiday with Lloyd got stuck in New York with him it was absolutely brilliant really fun I've got a photo of him on my phone because the BBC wanted to do an interview with us on the news.

30:55Him and John Robbins did it. He got a chain out of the drawer and decided to wear it. We're in an Airbnb. Just some random chain that had USA, a big medallion that said USA. So he put it on but didn't frame himself well on the camera. So it cut off the medallion. So it just looked like he had a big gold chain on. And he was, because they had the screen up, it was live on the news. So he was looking at the screen as well to see how he was coming across. but he was reading all the headlines that are going along the bottom so he just looks completely confused like a giant baby who's wearing a gold chain for no reason it was only John who said something as well wasn't it he answered all the questions and Lloyd's just there just doing that like he's some heavy he sat next to him that's my contact image for Lloyd yeah I think I'd like Lloyd Langford at this mail actually yeah that's a good shout and actually I didn't even take that screen grab myself of Lloyd the comedian Andrew O 'Neill tweeted it out of context to just on its own without any description does the screen grab of Lloyd.

31:54Brilliant. Fantastic. Yeah, get him at the meal. I want him wearing the chain. Great. Perfect. We're getting to your menu proper now. Your dream starter, Ian. So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything. It's hard getting a menu. So just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu and I've sort of combined it. But I think the flavours work. Okay. Interesting. I want a risotto. Yes. Salmon and haggis. Oh, God.

32:32So, basically, you're putting all your favourite foods into, like, one dish here. That I feel like aren't featuring later on. Salmon, haggis and, say it with me, saffron. Saffron, okay. salmon saffron risotto sounds like that could work yeah I think the haggis is the rogue really we're down to Scottish or pretentious again aren't we yeah it's either the haggis or the salmon and saffron but let me let me ask you this do you like pepper yeah yeah haggis by it's very it's just a very peppery yeah yeah I reckon a little crumbling of haggis yeah is the same as yeah having a pepper a pepper grinder right I see if the restaurant was like we've run out of pepper but let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff.

33:18No one would notice. So you want haggis instead of pepper? Well, I don't want it instead of but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there. Right, okay. I've got enough. We've got haggis. It's convenient. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper? Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. With the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork. I'm doing a lot. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Yeah, yeah. So haggis and salmon saffron risotto.

33:54Yeah, saffron I don't really know. Sounds disgusting. Yeah, if you think about it. Well, my question. Even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that. Really? I would think, is that going to be, I love salmon, I love risottos, but I don't know if that would, maybe it wouldn't be great. I love salmon risotto. Are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flake to mix through as well? No, flake it up. Yeah. I'm having to do everything here. Flake up. Got to flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavor to it. Yeah. Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like.

34:29But I've had saffron-infused mashed potato twice in my life and I can't really sort of put a handle on it, but it was delicious. Yes. and a vivid colour yeah it's a it's a very vivid colour and there is a definite taste to saffron yeah but you can't work out what it is but you know you like it yeah yeah okay yeah I guess so and maybe I'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me yeah they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight yeah yeah yeah oh I'd love that yeah yeah I'd love some saffron and some other what is it herbs yeah other herbs and I want a spice herbs and spices and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are oh you want so you want a quiz as well a quiz well Lloyd's going to be there so yeah I just want Lloyd to do the quiz so I can enjoy my meal bar here in the background trying to think of another herb in my head well this is the problem isn't it yeah yeah fennel seeds I think all day long I think all day long I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz I would say there's enough going on in this dish already you shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are.

35:45Yeah, no, I will. I'll accept that as a criticism. I was going to suggest maybe you have like, you know, your starter could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash. But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto? Is a risotto a big deal for you? Let's not talk him out of this. No, no, you're still going to have this. But I also think, imagine if every chef did that, just put four ingredients on a tray and just went, have them individually. Yeah. It's all about discovering flavour combinations. And you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try.

36:23Yes. Well, I would say, imagine if every chef did this. He took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they would like to see them make an appearance. Yeah. And chucked them out. I think you'd get... I think you've always got to apply. Occasionally get something fantastic. You've always got to apply the rule, imagine if every chef did this. But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together, right? Listen, I've listened to this podcast.

36:51People say daft shit. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast. So you're a big fan of weird flavour combinations. No, I just... Do you do them at home? Have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home? I don't think I have no I'm trying to think if I've invented my own flavour combination yeah that's what I asked I couldn't have done look in your diary does it say well I would have put that under blue that would be under blue if I had a new flavour combination no I mean I like it when genuinely looked in your diary for ages then yeah listen I'm a physical comedian I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod yeah I'll do it on a pod now we've got cameras going and that could be the viral clip.

37:35Yeah. Get a sound effect of pages turning in. Yeah. We do that. Yeah, yeah, put that in. It's a post. Oh, that's not pages turning. Oh, no, that's not Bill. No. That's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto. I found out what arancini was when I ordered arancini as a starter and then a risotto as my main. And everyone was like, what? Like, I don't know what the problem is here. But yeah, it was a ricey meal. Yeah, they're like risotto balls that are deep fried, right? And then you had the insides of arancini guts. Yeah. And there was a rice pudding option for dessert and I almost wanted to take it to be like, that's what I like and I'm leaning into it.

38:17Yeah, do the treble. What are you going to call this dish? Oh, yeah, that's good. At the minute, well, I mean, salmon's Scottish. Haggis is Scottish. Where does saffron come from? I think probably North Africa. Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia. Wrong continent. Yeah. So I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean, and parts of Asia in its title. Is there a way you can do that? There must be. And don't edit out any of the time it takes me to think of this. Yeah, yeah. Muck. Yeah, so straight in with muck. Straight in with muck. Straight in with muck.

38:59You're on safe ground. Yeah. now he's got Mediterranean and parts of Asia yeah now I feel more scared yeah um muck um you could just say salmon here muck yeah but muck Mediterranean just say muck olive muck olives surprise muck olive surprise yeah so the no olives no olives in it is it what surprise the Asian Mediterranean muck olive surprise muck olive surprise The surprise is there's no olives. Saffron. McOlive surprise saffron. Yeah. Saffron is the surprise. Yeah. It's a McOlive surprise. Yeah. Well, also the surprise is there's no olives. Yeah. Salmon's not mentioned. Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't, I thought I'd be able to say my menu.

39:47I didn't think I'd have to name it. Yes. And that's what I'm struggling with. But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch, I think. Really? That's the rule, yeah. Yeah. Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was. You didn't think you'd have to name it. that's what you're struggling with. I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this is like, this starter is bananas. You took blood. You took blood because we had too many details. I don't know if that's my, that's not on me. This starter is loopy. Good bread course so far though.

40:16Yeah, yeah. We're forgetting about that. You know what? I would absolutely eat that starter. I don't know if I would enjoy it. I would try it. But I would give it a go. If I was at your house for a dinner party. Yeah. Yeah, and I made it. And you made it, I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it. And who knows, I might even love it. that's got classic come dine with me episode written all over it really yeah we're all slacking you off in the car yeah I wouldn't make that for other people I think I'd only make it for myself yeah because I'd expect I think the come dine with me producers would be like if they heard about that they'd be like you should make that for everyone when they come around yeah and it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house yeah and they find your paper diary and they're all laughing your highlighter yeah yeah Yeah, the only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon, one shelf is haggis, one shelf is saffron.

41:06I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate that. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people, otherwise we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It can't be called McAuliffe Surprise and you only make it for yourself. What about, no, McAuliffe Surprise, you get a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it, and it's one of those ones that spins. and you sort of spin the spice rack, close your eyes. You've got to tip that up. Seeing Ian pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed. It is absolutely.

41:43I'm looking up so people don't think I'm cheating. Closing eyes and doing that. Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in. They closed the eyes and looked away. Yeah. But yeah, then you take whatever spice. again you've got to close your eyes throughout this yeah no I actually just black out the spices black out the spices put masking put parcel tape over the spices or put them in unmarked jars or whatever yeah yeah get someone else to do that yeah yeah you're very worried you're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing is that a problem you have when you go to restaurants sometimes yeah yeah yeah well I've found myself many times in the kitchen doing a full shift yeah so hang on you're getting a spice at random yeah and then for safety as well so you've got the salmon haggis in there but then your last flurry is opening it up shake it in put that in yeah mix it around and then when you eat it you know it's a McOlive yes but the surprise is what is it cinnamon oh yeah so that's your starter yes fantastic

43:00Your dream bank course, Ian. This one's normal. Slow cooked lamb. Yes. There you go. I want it to be slow cooked. Yeah. If it takes days. Yeah. I guess you want it just at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook. Yes. Zero degrees. Yeah. Yeah. But even two degrees. It probably wouldn't ever cook, surely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. like if it was just at room temperature just leave it out and five days later that's lovely but the longest you could that would be good wouldn't it if things cooked at room temperature yeah surely there's something that cooks at room temperature yeah fruit yeah that's what's happening to it yeah maybe a torch maybe if you put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days that's the slowest cooking you could possibly give it yeah that's going to give you a carpal tunnel or something holding your torch over a lamb or whatever mystery I'd probably have a mystery box of meat so I don't know what meat is yeah yeah yeah surprise it's another little surprise dish lamb surprise yeah lamb surprise yeah I had this slow cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrick Vineyard and I got told off but in a I'd say a light hearted way for I was quite drunk complimenting the lamb too loudly and I think that's a sign of a good meal yeah you're taking some tips from Lloyd Langford that you were shouting everything yeah what was your compliment who cooked this how long has this been cooked for because they the way you've said it there and at that volume they sound like you're really unhappy with the complaints I think they knew I liked it my tone was like who cooked this it was more like wow same tone you use when you shout beans on toast yeah beans on toast who cooked this I give a lot of good vibes to chefs but that's lovely why were you told off then?

44:59by the staff or by someone on a nearby table? by the staff I think people around were disconcerted yeah and maybe they were running low on lamb yeah maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't over sell yeah yeah but it was oh my god it was nice yeah falling apart how long do you think it had been cooked for? minimum I think we're talking double digits do you? I think it was something like 12 hours. Wow. It was something mad. But I can't promise that to you. Yeah, it was a long time. If you'd ordered it and they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet, you'd be pissed off by the time you got it. Well, you'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow.

45:39Yeah. Yeah, just come back tomorrow. Yeah. Do you know what cut of lamb it was? I think it will have been somewhat like leg-based. It wasn't, I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable by any means. It wasn't a shank though It could have been It could have been a shank But it didn't come with a big bone Sticking out the top of it No there wasn't a bone in it As far as I'm at I drank a lot of wine At this point Were you out with another comedian At this point? Was it another comic? There were The only time I got to go on Like a big holiday Is when someone's paying for me To do that professionally Yeah There was a lot of comedians there Finn Taylor Andrew Maxwell Alexis Dubus Never confident with How to pronounce his surname Oh evidently maybe Lloyd was something maybe Lloyd was something there as well yeah but yeah I mean these are some you know you've got Finn there you've got Maxwell there these are some outspoken guys and you're getting told off yeah yeah like you must have been really speaking your mind throwing some opinions around if you're the one who's getting reprimanded yeah I mean Maxwell Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in in quite a lot of detail I will compliment the food you'll shout who cooked this yeah what did the lamb come with and this doesn't have to be your dream side i'm just interested in this specific lamb sure so i want elements of this but not everything it came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip right and then long carrots that's the main thing i remember these carrots is the sheer length of them yeah yeah and then you had to get your potato dishes You're screaming, who grew these?

47:19Who the hell grew these? Mr McGregor? How long have these been grown? I would say stuff like that. Long and thin? Long and thin. Yeah. What colour? Orange. Classic. The classic. But not the best carrot I've had was barely orange in a restaurant in Reykjavik called Scal. I've got the carrots as a side. Fucking hell, I've never had carrots this good in all my life. Yeah? They were black to the eye. Yes. They'd really been sort of roasted. I tried to look up before doing this what they came with the menu's changed I found a picture of them on Instagram it doesn't say anything it doesn't say anything just a picture of some carrots it says carrots doesn't even say carrots no description but they I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce I don't know and the one in Reykjavik was like were they long and thin as well no no and I preferred them dumpy is what I would black and dumpy yeah that's how I would describe them you want those with the lamb?

48:17I'd love to the Reykjavik carrots yes get rid of the long thin ones they were al dente these ones the Reykjavik ones barely keeping themselves together yeah so they'd been like probably slow roasted as well you think everything about this I want to be slow yeah I completely agree with you with a slow roasted lamb it's up there meat wise I think yeah incredible I want some dauphinois that's pretty slow yeah you can do that slow it's not quick no it's not quick is it would take a while to make I suppose do you slow roast lamb at home? yeah I'll have it anywhere is that something you'll do? have you ever done that?

48:53yeah absolutely I've probably just made it in the location I'll have it anywhere I'll have it on a train would you think the question was would you eat it? would you have it at home? as in like if my mum had made slow cooked lamb would I have it? yeah let's just follow this is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow roast lamb? I don't think. Like funerals. You'd have that at the wake. At the wake, yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right? Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing. Well, if you're screaming, who cooked this at the top of your voice? Sure, yeah. Or at the cremation.

49:29How long? How long has this been cooked for? Woo! Falling off the bone. Woo! Falling off the bone. Yeah, funeral. Yeah. Train toilet. that was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow rice lamb sure but I would if it's I'd have it on the the baby changing yeah toilet's your seat that's your table yeah would you put a tablecloth down or anything or yeah ideally yeah or I guess if you're if you're a parent an unused clean nappy an unused nappy yeah well yeah even though it's unused I'd find it hard it would be weird especially if there's no plate especially if you're eating slow-cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby-changing table, I'd say that would throw me.

50:16Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not where I'd want it. Barely staying together. It's weird, though, because you'd think someone eating in off a nappy in a baby-changing room would be like, they're having a breakdown, they're having a tough time. But you wouldn't associate slow-cooked lamb leg with a mental collapse. No. I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that changes the whole thing. Also, it depends what brand a nappy, right? Because if there's There's some nice jus and gravy in there. A pampas is absorbing all of that. So you don't get to eat that?

50:45Yeah, you want a cheap nappy if you're eating a roast. You pour your gravy on, and then you immediately go, where's the gravy? That sounds really outrageous. You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you're squeezing it. It's all gravy. Trying to get the gravy out. But then you're squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there. I think directly into the mouth at this point. Oh, yeah. Cut your losses. Yeah. Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation. Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. You might as well go straight into your mouth.

51:21Yeah. For American listeners, diapers. Diapers. Yes.

51:33So your dream side dish, is it those carrots or is it, is that you're banking them as part of your main? Yeah. So your dream side dish is different. Is that Dauphin was then? Or is that, are you banking that as part of the play? No, I'd like, yeah, I'd like, I would just want some potato waffles. Okay. Can you say that again for me because I enjoyed the rhythm of it. Potato waffles. Thank you. Yeah. They're waffling versatile was the catchphrase. Yeah, I remember the bird's eye ones. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's quite a catchy jingle. Waffly versatile, wasn't it? Oh, I thought it was waffling. Oh, I thought waffly.

52:07It's waffly because it's supposed to be like awfully versatile. Oh, That does make more sense. I've been saying waffling versatile all this time. They're waffly versatile. Well, so it's a pun on awfully. That's what I always thought. I'd have to be lifting there. I'm willing to admit that I might be wrong, but as far as I knew, it was waffly versatile. I never put the pun together, but I just thought they're waffly versatile was the line. I don't think it was waffling versatile. Yeah, waffling doesn't make sense, does it? Why would they be waffling versatile? I mean, waffly versatile. Waffly. but they've gone like awfully like the the pitch meeting yeah but they would have gone oh they're waffly versatile you'd be like alright well explain that yeah well they're awfully and a posh person might go awfully oh it's awfully and waffly awfully waffly waffly versatile that awfully waffly would have been a better tagline for them yeah because then you're like oh yeah I get what they're doing yeah awfully waffly But the suggestion is then that awfully, there is a misinterpretation where you say they're awful at being waffles.

53:14Sure. Yeah, they're awfully waffly. They're not even a waffle. Yeah. There's a bag of new potatoes. Yeah, there must have been a better way to advertise it. Yeah. But it's worked for you. Sticking your head is waffling versatile all these years. But they're on your dream menu. Yeah, they're on my dream menu. Yeah. Talk to us about your relationship with the bird's eye potato waffle. I just think it's the sort of thing when very nostalgic like so I think I really like food and like good food but also if I find myself in the house by myself one evening and I'm just cooking and I'm the only one who's got to eat this we'll just have chicken nuggets and waffles and beans or something just feels it feels so nice to do that and a good waffle they're so fluffy inside they've got a lovely crisp they are versatile yeah you can have them with chicken nuggets fish fingers beans beans have you had kidney beans and regular beans play connect 4 with them play connect 4 yeah that's probably the end of versatility no no I got into doing myself like duck breast in the in the lockdowns oh yeah and I'd have them with bear's eye potato waffle that's lovely I like that delicious that's really nice and when I was a teenager me and my friends would go around to my friend Sam's house and do like movie marathons and we'd have a break usually in the middle to go and buy some food from Sainsbury's I'd get bird's eye potato waffles a pack of ham a pack of cheese I'd bake these waffle sandwiches with him got his dad into them how old were you at this point?

54:5118 18 and his dad's come in like his dad's come in what are you doing here lads? what are you eating? a waffle sandwich using waffles instead of bread yep it's delicious let me try a minute and then my friend Sam was like he's eating them all week. All week? Yeah, the last time I saw him, he was like, my dad does a bunch of children. How long was this movie marathon? I don't know. I mean, after we've gone home. When you say movie marathon, do you mean you started at the beginning of the history of films and worked your way through from there? Did all the films. Eating buzzer potato waffle sandwiches the whole time.

55:1918. Feels old for that, doesn't it? Or to be doing movie marathons with your mates. And eating waffle sandwiches. I think that's prime age to do that, isn't it? No? It's veering on too old. Is it? I think if you're not in your teens anymore, it's too old. But if you're six and you're doing that, that's me. Oh, we do it now, doesn't it? On disclosure, I do it now. Yeah, yeah. If someone said to me, do you want to come over, watch all the alien films and eat burrs like potato waffles sandwich, I'd be like, yeah, I do, actually. Someone. Someone, anyone. Anyone. You, your hairdresser. Yeah, yeah.

55:53The only way doing that when you're 18 makes sense is if you're in a blunt rotation. I'm passing it to his dad. With Jesus and the angel of the Lord. But that sounds to me like stoner food. Yeah, well, I mean, we've covered this on the podcast before, that I hung out with stoners but wasn't a stoner, so I ate like a stoner. Yeah, okay. So that's like, my whole personality comes from hanging out with stoners but not doing drugs. Yes. And if anyone's ever confused by me, that's all I need to explain to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I hung out with stoners, but I never did drugs. They're like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

56:24That's where all this comes from. Yes. Yeah. I guess that's where everyone, every sort of unique personality comes from, having hung around with, like, if you're the only non-dock worker who's hanging out in the docks, you're going to be a quirky comedian. Too specific to not be you. Yeah, well, I'm just trying to veer into my own anecdote about my dock life. You've never been near the docks. Have you ever been? Doc Martins, maybe? No, it's... I said with the tone of an absolute slam. I'll only go to the docks if they've been renovated and there's a street food place. But he's laughing. Look, he's laughing at the dock martins.

56:59He's laughing at it because it was weak and you acted like it was strong. What? No. I know he just pointed at you and nodded, but that's not why he's laughing. It's a good slam. Absolutely did you. But I don't know why it's a good slam. It's not just that lamb that's slow roasted. That's better. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Slow roasted slam. Oh. Ah. Ah. Yes. I think the waffle sandwich, here's what I'd want to try, because I think I've seen similar things to this online, is take the frozen waffles out, put the fillings in between, put it in a toasty maker, shut it, and let it all cook like that, and then make a sort of sealed waffle sandwich.

57:45And if you cut the ends off a waffle, so you have the kind of spiky protruding bits, sort of like a little Lego set, really. Put them in the whole, like build little things out of your waffles. is it am I the first person on this podcast I feel like I'm just probably saying something that someone's already said no no no one has ever said you can get potato waffles and build them like Lego I can't know well I'm going to listen back to every single one and double check yeah I promise you really you're the first one you should be happy about that you're an original waffle tower please yeah this is from hanging out with all the dock workers they always used to do waffle towers in their brick they loved it well I like that I like that you've got the potato waffles there double potato as well yeah yeah I mean would you want someone to make you potato dauphin was out of Berzer potato waffles potato waffle wa waffle wa I love a waffle wa waffle wa versatile it's not a bad idea you know just waffles cream I'd click on that YouTube video yeah someone making doping whars out of potato waffles yeah waffle whar then waffle whar you're on the waffle whar yeah slow roasted lamb dumpy carrots and waffle whar yes please yeah I'm inventing a lot yeah in this you are an inventor yeah have you always thought of yourself as an inventor I genuinely I thought I invented pulled pork two foods I invented actually so When I was young, we had like roast chicken.

59:26I used to get my fork and sort of score the chicken. Yeah. Because the gravy, it goes in, there's just more surface area for all the flavor. For the gravy, yeah, yeah. No one in my family did that. I'm the only one scoring it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting it like that. And then I remember when pulled pork was becoming a big thing. I was like, I fucking invented that like 15 years ago. And felt like I didn't, but I was a kid. How do you, how do you utilize pulled pork as a child? But yeah, I thought I'd invented Pole Park. And the other thing, I had to stop myself doing something. Have you never had Shredded Duck?

1:00:00No. No? I'm Northern. Come on. I'm Northern, six years old. Shredded Duck. Fucking hell. It's like standard Chinese takeaway stuff, Shredded Duck. Yeah. Yeah. We're not. We've been up North. You can't lie to us. Well, I think there was only one Chinese takeaway in goal for a while. Yeah. They would have definitely done Shredded Duck. Yeah, I think a lot of the time we've got chips from there.

1:00:55You know what I mean? is going to be bleak or offensive. We're at a Chinese restaurant. One member of the Stag Do, I've never met this guy. He's sort of like a heart of gold, but very laddy. And he's running late. There is a kind word, there's a madman in the Chinese restaurant and he's singing songs. He's like, that kind of vibe. He's coming up to our table and singing, best Chinese ever. It's the best Chinese ever. So he's supportive of the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. That's good. And then he's clearly a regular. They know him and they're looking at him. And this guy, the confidence of being able to do this.

1:01:34He comes up to the table and he's stood right next to the guy. And he points at him when he says this. He goes, you're all right, lads? Who the fuck is this cunt? He's pointing right in his face. All right, lads. Who the fuck is this cunt? That's great. And I cried. I was laughing so much. Yeah, yeah. That's brilliant. I'd love that especially when a stag do and even even then you weren't having the duck we were having shredded duck then yes oh okay yeah yeah did you think you'd invented that no the other one was so in woodwork class I I got a penguin bar and I put it in a vice the vice at the end of the table I'm just squashing this penguin yeah yeah just think that's funny get it get it tight get it condensed like doing that really like getting the last bit of it um and obviously i pull it out and i i eat the penguin bar the squash penguin bar it tasted incredible yeah all the flavor again it's been condensed and it just and like the the cream in the middle is mushed in with a biscuit it's almost like a truffle yeah um it was beautiful and um i remember i can't remember the other stuff i put a few things in that vice food wise and i remember having a real moment as a kid where i was like i got i gotta put a stop to this yeah this can't be how i eat food like if i'm eating a sandwich but all i'm thinking in my head is gotta get back getting that woodwork class get it in the vice i couldn't live like that but it is like a sandwich press yeah yeah yeah sandwich but cold panini yeah but you've never seen a panini this flat i think that i mean look that could be a hit TikTok account.

1:03:20Yeah, that is. Oh, yeah. Cooking with Vice. Because there's already those hydraulic press channels that I watch all of those. Yeah, yeah. Do you like hot balls? I love hot iron balls as well. I don't know what either of you are talking about. Really? Yeah, yeah. So it's similar. Hydraulic press is obviously, you've seen those. I've heard of it though. I've not seen it. This is what, not being off social media. Yeah. Write a follow-up book called All the Things I'm Missing Out On. Yeah. Hot iron balls. Red hot iron balls They get an iron ball Until it's red hot Uh huh And then they're just like Put it on stuff And when you You might think red hot is like Oh It's red hot out there Yeah It's red Yeah It's red It's got red It's red hot Just to be clear The phrase It's red hot out there Isn't the phrase What?

1:04:08Someone said that No one's come in from outside It's red hot out there You don't say that at gigs? At mixed bill gigs? It's red hot out there Come off stage The audience are red hot Well, you don't ever say red hot if something is physically red. But then it's not a phrase. Well, I'd say it if I saw something that was like, yeah, if I say that's red hot, fair enough, not it's red hot out there. Really, you wouldn't. That's what the chilli peppers say to each other. When another one of them is still outside. Yeah. It's red hot. It has to be. They're not in here and out there, to be fair. It's red hot in here and out there.

1:04:42And out there. Frishant is still yet to come in. He always the last one. He can't decide if he's coming or not. Yeah, he's just out there shaking everyone's hand. Yeah. He's like Rob Beckett. At the end of a gig. Apparently Frishanti works shake hands. I read about it. I love John Frishanti. And I read an article that him and Flea work shake hands because they're worried about germs. Really? So if you meet him in the street... Flea is worried about germs. He's got his knob out half the time. Yeah, he's disgusting. It's like he's rolling around. Flea looks like he bathes like a chinchilla does in a box of sand.

1:05:17just rolls around in it yeah he's named after something you get when you do it yeah yeah exactly how is he well that's the revelation yeah do you want advice at the table for your dream meal yeah I wouldn't mind one as an option yeah is this an okay time to flag up I'd like when this is all done I'd like a bit of chocolate I'd like a specific bit of chocolate I feel like you don't do that on the pod chocolate post meal or no chocolate post meal what is that yeah but I want a bit of chocolate I want a little sweet snack. Do you want this after, is this in between the main and the dessert? After my dessert.

1:05:50You know when they bring the bill? Right. I want a little square. Well, you're not there yet, man. Yeah, but I just want to flag it up because you guys, I'll say my pudding and you'll be like, all right then, cheers, thanks, bye. You're out the studio. Yeah. Me and Benito here. Yeah, you think he's staying with you? I'm just me by myself. He's the first out the door. He's not like your producer. No, he's the reason he wants to be here. Look at him now. He's already thinking about what he's going to do. I'm not hanging out after this. I usually go bowling after a Northern News record. No, no, no.

1:06:14No bowling. Absolutely not. But he leaves the studio straight away. He goes, it's red hot out there, and he runs out the room. Yeah.

1:06:25Your dream drink, though, Ian. So I thought about, I mean, a nice red wine would go very good with lamb. Yes. But I think if it's a drink, I'm trying to compliment the waffles. That's the thing you want to compliment with a drink. yeah okay a waffy waff but I love my favourite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock okay oh wow so I'd like a dandelion and burdock I reckon which is almost it's like a wine sure I've still never had a dandelion and burdock really no I should have brought one in I think I've had one once I can't really remember either way what the impression was that I got of it but like I know that I don't really I can never really place what it is it's quite medicinal yeah I'll tell you what it is dandelions and burdock yeah so it's quite herbal Is it in any of them in any other context?

1:07:11No. Don't know what a burdock is? Especially burdock, yeah, yeah. But could you, because you've drunk a lot of dandelion and burdock, if the dandelion and burdock were on the quiz for the different herbs, would you be able to pick up on them? Would you be able to say all day long? If they kept the flower of the dandelion on. Yeah. Yeah, but a burdock, I think it was like a root. Right. So I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't know what that was at all. So it's quite medicinal. Yeah, but I like botanical stuff. Yeah. I love elderflower I'm a big elderflower boy I always associate that with very old people like elderflower drinks it's a young man's game now all the kids get on social media it's red hot iron balls and it's elderflower what would happen if you touched elderflower with a red hot iron ball all I know is if I saw that as a video description I would click on it even if there was two adverts before it I think you would be the only person the algorithm is recommending that to I don't think anyone else has that crossover It's not lasting long is it the elderflower with the red hot iron ball And there'll be a flame It'll be gone It'll be up in flames before the balls touch most of it Some of it does that Really?

1:08:20That's how hot the iron ball is It's red hot Is there a certain brand of dandelion and burdock that you gravitate to that you buy for the house I guess the go to is Fentimins They're your medicinal type I thought Dandelion and Burdock was a brand name no no is it not flavour no just the ingredients do you think there's like Mr Dandelion and Mrs Burdock made a drink yeah I thought there was a specific one that called Dandelion and Burdock no no that's the flavour so Fentimans Dandelion and Burdock yeah I wouldn't mind the Fentimans do you think salt and vinegar is a flavour or a brand I think it is let me think of one to join in look at that Do you think Tia Maria is a brand?

1:09:10Do you think Tia Maria is a brand? Yeah, that is, yeah. It's flavoured with Tia and Maria. Who was it? Someone told me what Tia Maria meant the other day and then I forgot. It's like auntie or something. Auntie Maria, yeah. Auntie Maria. Oh, really? Do you know that? No. There you go. Now you know that. You can tell people that. Yeah. Yeah, we'll tell people that, actually. First person I see out of this pod. Your hairdresser. Yeah, probably. Do you want ice in your D &B? No, I just want it to be cold, though. Yeah. I've started saying that at pubs and stuff, when they say, do you want ice in your drink?

1:09:42I would just go, is it cold? And I'd be like, yeah. I would, no. No. And I'd say in that tone, no. Or I'll ask for like one cube. I don't like getting a, can we get a pint? And they fill it to the top of ice cubes. This is insane. And how much drink are you actually getting there? Yeah, yeah. So I am, yeah, I'm specifying. No ice. just put it in the fridge before I come frosty cold frosty glass maybe oh yeah like really cold but I'll ring in advance and say get a D &B in the fridge will you please to the pub yeah to the dream restaurant get a D &B in the fridge will ya Smitty's coming to town yeah you ever call yourself Smitty no I've had people used to get called Big Smitty as a nickname my first nickname at school was Ebo because I had to make a nickname out of Ian so someone's going like E that's too short but some call me Ebo for a while.

1:10:34And then I was watching an episode of The Weakest Link, and there was a woman called Ebo on it, and Anne Robinson, is that her name? Yes. Is her name, I hope. Yep. At the time of recording, it is her name. I don't think people lose their names when they die, do they? Yeah, she'll have it forever. Okay. Even when her body's long gone, that's his realm. Okay, well, whatever state you're in, Anne Robinson asked that's an interesting name what does it mean? and she said it means Nigerian woman I had to go back to school the next day it's not appropriate it's not appropriate we've got to knock Ebo on the head guys it's either E or Big Smitty I guess but feels weird for a primary school kid got to grow into Big Smitty so yeah Ebo is a short lived nickname for me yeah

1:11:30Your dream dessert, Ian I love Puddings so much Yes So there's so many But I've gone I've just gone with one My dad's good at puddings Okay What's his name? Andrew Andrew Smith Shout out I sort of hesitate It's very rare I'd refer to my dad As Andrew Yeah Only when he's been naughty Normally he's called him Anbo Guess what? Same dad name. Oh. What's your dad called? This is the first time. This is the first time we've had a same dad name. Really? First time on the pod. How many episodes has it been, Benito? A lot. This is the first time same dad name. What's your dad's middle name? Yeah. If it was...

1:12:12No, no. No middle name. This has gone viral. No middle name. No middle name. No middle name. Middle name skip a generation in our family. What? So you've got a middle name. My granddad was Andrew Stevenson Gamble. then they had Andrew Gamble so everyone started calling my grandad Steve and my middle name is Stevenson so if I have a son I'm going to call him Edward and everyone has to start calling me Steve I can't wait to start calling you Steve it'll be great that's when you know a pod's been going a long time when you have to call someone a different name because they've called their son their name professionally it's going to be really difficult for me but family traditions must be upheld yeah I love calling you Steve I feel like triggering Only Fools and Horses yeah what's your dad's middle name Kenneth wow I thought Stevenson was weird no Kenneth's a big middle name oh yeah middle names were better in the past Stevenson's weirder yeah I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the voice of the listeners here Kenneth's a name Stevenson's a surname yeah that's true yeah fuck it out yeah I've never met anyone else with the middle name Stevenson before let alone it's a family tradition a butler getting told off yeah yeah Stevenson Stevenson coming here do you think this cutlery has been shined to perfection?

1:13:28well that's what I thought I just think I rarely hear the name get out of here Kenneth yeah Barlow Coronation Street I guess yeah but everyone calls him Ken right yeah yeah but I guess maybe Kenneth Williams Kenneth Williams is the only one I hear oh yeah yeah what esteemed company Barlow and Williams Kenneth and Kel what's that? Kenneth and Kel oh yeah be a very different show Yeah, I'm watching. I'm still watching. What does Andrew Kenneth Smith do? Because you started talking about it. My dad's got good desserts. Yes. Sorry. My dad was a chef in the Navy. Oh. And sort of, then did a few other cooking jellies as well.

1:14:08I'm just going to jump in. My granddad. Oh. Andrew Stevenson Gamble. Yeah. He was in the Navy. Really? Look at this. You're basically the same guy. Yeah. And I don't know how big the age difference is. Was your granddad in the Falklands? Dad might have cooked for him You never know Because he wasn't in the Falklands I'm not saying he's cooked for everyone in the Falklands He's cooked for more people in the Falklands than a lot of people you've had on this pod So your dad was a dessert chef in the Navy I mean that's He didn't know, not just desserts If it really comes down to it Your dad is probably, you know Is he pretty handy with a whisk against the enemy?

1:14:46Oh yeah, he's good at whisking Attacking them with a piping bag You've got a piping bag attacking them? I think they would let him, in a combat situation, they wouldn't just say improvise with the kitchen. Your ice cream scoop. Yeah. Well, I've got so many things to say. Firstly, guess who else was a chef in the Navy? Steven Seagal in Under Siege. Oh, really? So close to you saying Stevenson. Yeah. I thought you said Stevenson Gal in Under Siege, and I was like, what? Stevenson Gal. Steven Seagal in Under... He was a chef in the Navy, wasn't he? Yeah, he was. He was. He was a chef in Under Siege.

1:15:21Because that was the big era of action films having unlikely. Yeah. So the hero is always someone who's knocking about and you underestimate him. So maybe Under Siege was based on your dad. Could be. Yeah. I mean, the evidence is there. They're both chefs in the Navy. Yeah. So your dad learned... Did he learn to cook in the Navy? I'm not sure, to be honest. I guess he must have been able to cook before he was stationed as the ship chef. Yes. so ship chef but yeah I'm not sure what he's in terms of like the cookery school but my mum and dad are both good cooks that's good my mum does an incredible meatloaf let's just get that I don't want it to feel like I'm just complimenting my dad here enough about her karaoke choices

1:16:11I'm really hoping got that Ben's laughing James going to high five and doing a fist bump and just hear a very thin click of like a ring going well there was a really slow motion my hand going towards it and then at the last minute I decided to go for the fist bump but only caught his top knuckle and it cracked and it cracked

1:16:33pathetic yeah fucking hell viral viral that's gone viral Ed sings meatloaf at karaoke yeah oh do you I do yeah I think I did that at karaoke I don't like karaoke do you not I think I did a meat laugh once. But how the hell's long, innit? Yeah. That's why I like doing it. Really? Yeah. Not let anyone else get up. It's funny to me that five minutes in, people start clapping as if it's finished and they're relieved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have to say, he's not even crashed the bike yet. Yeah. Always works. I've seen him do it about three times. Every time he says he's not even crashed the bike yet, big laugh from everyone.

1:17:10Yeah, round of applause. I'm like, fair enough. I know this isn't the place of material. We're meant to be letting our hair down, having a good time, but you can't fault it yeah about the hell you get up Bohemian Rhapsody of course end of the night yeah I do it like Lee Evans I do all the actions I don't sing it my friend Dom got we got kicked out of a karaoke bar in Edinburgh because is Dom the hairdresser? yeah yeah he's my friend you moved on to Fred yeah yeah we did well he did but I put him down for Mad World and he did the sad Mad World at a karaoke bar and the guy the atmosphere is incredible people were singing along the guy when it wasn't happy and then we're just about to go up and do Candle in the Wind where the guy come over my table the level of anger for what funny is so disproportionate but he's like you're fucking killing me here you're killing me here if you're gonna keep doing songs like that you can fuck off and we will keep that's one of the songs we'll keep doing and we're kicked out yeah you know Kit Telf doing sad songs yeah yeah that's great which candle in the wind well we didn't get to do Monroe or Spencer back to back I imagine we were done as a duet and I'd have been singing for Diana and he'd have been singing for Monroe yeah Monroe had better hair yeah yeah and only only only just by the way yeah all the Princess Dying fans of its time as well of its time yeah so your dream dessert the one that so my dad would make a trifle but if he's doing a trifle and I just want one component in the tri-fing it's my favourite bit okay but you know you get those they're not like sponge little sponge fingers and they soak up a bit of jelly yes get rid of that oh get rid of that shit what these are going to be yeah no no no they won't last two seconds in the vice get rid of them they crumble yeah yeah what my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll yeah into slices is putting that on the base yeah and then you're pouring hot jelly over that yeah and then when it sets the sponge has taken on the jelly and you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly.

1:19:19It's like a jelly sponge cake. Yeah. It's such a... I'm laughing at this because I've had... This is very common, Ian. No, I'm not. But have you had it with Swiss roll? Yes. It is delicious. And I'm fully in your corner on it. Seems like believing you've invented things runs in the family. My dad never claims to have invented it. but I want I love the cake absorbing jelly and the bit of icing that doesn't absorb anything and that's just it so I want a fuck ton if you're allowed to say that of cakes but they're in a bowl I want you to cut up Swiss roll chocolate and plain I want Battenberg sliced up whack it all in a bowl to the rim then I want hot jelly poured over it I want all that to get soaked up.

1:20:10Red jelly? Red jelly. Yeah. Red jelly, or I'd even take lime. Okay. Put it in the fridge, and then I'd just cut me out a big slice of that. Yeah. Jellied cake. So, yeah, jellied. Is it jellied cake or caked jelly, would you say? Jellied cake. Yes. Because there's more cake than jelly. Yeah, and the cake is becoming jellified. Yeah. But you can't cake jelly, I don't think. Okay. Yes. you can jelly cake you can't cake jelly yeah the jelly's affecting the situation here that's the way you remember it you can jelly a cake but you can't cake a jelly yeah I'm sure you could cake a jelly cake is a you can cake stuff but I guess yeah you can be caked in jelly you can't be jellied in cake we know what the next t-shirts are going to be merch wise you can't jelly a cake I think that's great I can't fault that I would like to eat that any day of the week that's delicious yeah I'm happy with that And it is the best part of a trifle.

1:21:07I don't know. Actually, the rest of a trifle is pretty brilliant. Yeah, I like custard, but it wouldn't be sad if that was gone. Yeah, yeah. I'd say a lot of your dishes are just loads of things just thrown together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is what they are, yeah. I think you could eat a lot. I think you could eat your whole meal with a spoon. Mmm. It's good. Yeah. Blood risotto. Waffle wire. Yeah, the lamb. That's falling apart. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, you could. Yeah. Yeah, just put a spoon out. Great. That's your dessert. Thanks, Ian. Thank you. Cheers, mate. Cheers, mate. See you later, mate.

1:21:46So what do you want? What chocolate do you want? Go on, then. You've got a specific bit of chocolate. I've just got a favourite thing. And if you've never had it before, I've got one in my bag that you can try a bit of. I love these so much. A peppermint slice. Yes. You know your millionaire shortbread? Yeah. The caramel's gone. Right. And it's peppermint cream. Yeah. And they only really do them in, like, Aberdeen. like sort of northern Scotland and any time I go to Aberdeen to see my family I will walk around Aberdeen to try and find a bakery that's got one I've walked for ages to a cafe near the docks actually in my sort of comfortable environment because a review from 2002 said the peppermint squares were nice I went they weren't doing them anymore they had a mint Malteser tiffin but that's not the same but I had to get one of them because I can't go into a cafe like a bakery and just go not for me and walk out I'll tell you what you can do that yeah you can do that really you can go in any place look around and go actually I don't want any of this and walk out and that's on them they won't go what a fucking weirdo yeah you didn't buy have a nice day thanks very much really that's absolutely that's changed my life yeah how much stuff have you bought in the past out of awkwardness a monday I can barely drive can't drive a manual anymore that's what I got yeah yeah but I'd like a bit of peppermint square A peppermint square Have you got some in your bag?

1:23:07Yeah, do you want it? Have you ever had one? Let me look No Let me have a look What do you mean let you look? I want to see exactly what you mean Because your description of it was pretty funny Peppermint slice Oh, well I've not had one of them How have you found it in London? Well, my mum and dad got me A little batch of them for Christmas Oh, that's nice For the listener, it's January 6th right now Yeah Yeah, yeah Oh, if this comes out I dare you to put it out in August With me talking about Christmas I dare you they got them for Christmas and I still haven't finished them yeah of course now whatever time you're listening I haven't finished them yeah how many did they get you?

1:23:44oh there'll have been a good like five yeah I've um is this the last one? yeah they know you love them oh yeah I love them so much I think it's about I love mint once have you ever in New Zealand in Auckland you've been to the Red Lady the White Lady the van no it's like a famous kind of food, street food. It's been around there for ages. It's in a part of Auckland where it's open really late, but the people around the van are quite scary. One of the flavours milkshakes that they do is Spearmix. He's saying it like it's a riddle. The flavours milkshake. Which flavours milkshake? Do sound like I live under a bridge and I'm doing like a riddle.

1:24:28Milkshake flavours three. Chocolate vanilla or strawberry that's good oh that's nice improvised riddle yeah not bad but yeah they did spearmint and I thought I'll try that just a big fucking drink of toothpaste awful worst thing I've ever had in my life what I always love is when someone mentions a place by name Benito's googling it big build up and it ends with you saying they do something that's disgusting the milkshakes are disgusting but the burgers are lovely yep Even that out What colour lady was it? White lady It was a white lady There you go I'm originally making you back now See how you feel about it Okay Water You want blood Pop-rums or bread And you wanted that You want that Pop-rums or bread You want a basket of Roeys I guess Roeys Butterys Potato dampies Dampers Dampers Potato dampies is what he's making In the drink toilet He's put dampies here Bonito has written dampies here I don't listen to a single He's loving it starter haggis salmon and saffron risotto brackets McAuliffe surprise main course slow cooked lamb with black and dumpy carrots and waffle wire potatoes which is your side dish is waffle wire potatoes drink Fentiman's dandelion and burdock dessert jellied cake followed by a peppermint square it sort of snuck up on me how fucking mad that menu is when you hear it back it is mad My original water choice was going to be bobbing for apples.

1:26:02Was it? Oh, I'm disappointed we didn't get to that. Just water's boring. I thought, just bob for apples. Have you ever bobbed for apples before? Yeah. Successfully? Yeah, I think I've got an apple, yeah. Wow. So the water choice is bobbing for apples. Are you hoping you'll accidentally take some water on to hydrate? Yeah. Yeah, that's the plan. That's how you want to take all your water. Well, we'll let you do that as well. The blood. You can have the blood on the side. Yeah, do it at the end. Or bob for apples, but in blood. Oh, yeah. Very Halloween-y. Bob for blood oranges. Yeah. Yeah. You're not even getting to eat them once you've got them then.

1:26:33You've got to get them and then peel them. Awful. Peel blood oranges in blood and I'll bob for them. Ian, you're one of those guests where it takes ages because everything that anyone mentions, any word, you've got a story about it. Yeah. You find that? I try and come with anecdotes. And listen, we have a secret ingredient every week. Oh, yeah. I was nervous about that. And for you... It was harsh this week. Because I was like, because of Ghoul, I was like, we should make salt and pepper the secret ingredient. But only if you specify you want some salt and pepper in there. And when you said the haggis...

1:27:08I didn't even want pepper, yeah. When you said the haggis, I was like, I mean, you've absolutely swerved it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You specifically swerved the secret ingredient. That makes it look like Benito's given me a tip-off. He would have loved it. Yeah. Don't say something about it. He loves it when it goes wrong. Ian, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Ian.

1:27:32Thank you so much to Ian for coming on the pod. Oh, Ian Smith. We went through a lot of topics. He's got to, I mean, I don't know what's going to make it in, what's going to not make it in, but I hope it makes sense. What will definitely make it in is Ian deliberately saying he didn't want pepper. Yes. He wanted haggis instead. That was great. Yeah. Because, like, you know, he didn't know, obviously. Yeah. So he's actually gone out of his way to not put pepper on a dish by using haggis instead. He definitely didn't say the secret ingredient. He gets to stay in the restaurant. What I would say is that the pepperiness in haggis comes from pepper.

1:28:06But I didn't want to go down that road. No, especially because he would have been like, why am I being so interrogated on this particular... But even just the idea of saying you can put haggis on something and you don't have to use pepper, you are putting pepper on it. Sure. That's what you're doing. Meaty pepper. Yeah, meaty pepper and oats and stuff. The best pepper, maybe. The best pepper. Meaty pepper. Meat pepper. Dr. Pepper's older brother? Yes. Tougher brother. Tough, yeah. Of meaty pepper. Yeah, meat pepper. Fights his battles for him. Yeah. Crushing is out now. Watch Ian Smith and his new comedy special.

1:28:43You'll be so glad that you did. Of course, our dear old friend Ian Smith is on tour now with Foots Bar Half Empty. For dates and tickets, go to iansmithcomedian.com. and listen to Northern News, his podcast with Amy Glendhill. It's very, very funny. And do you know what? Watch all of Amy Glendhill's stuff. Yeah. While we're here. Oh, come on. We can't be using Ian's episode to plug Amy's stuff. Oh, come on. Just do the whole Northern News world. Yes, okay. You know, let's do all that and listen to all the plosive podcasts. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We will see you next week.

1:29:18We will see you next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

1:29:32Hey, I'm Alison Spittel. And I'm Fern Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread. And then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday, the 10th of February.

1:30:09So please listen and subscribe.