Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

0:12uh-oh it's a tasting menu i love the tasting menus is there anything i'd say at the top I think well no because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod it's the off menu podcast by the way but it's a tasting menu which means we have a previous guest on and we give them the menu of another previous guest it's a really good format it's a really good format and it's been a hit yeah yeah yeah I think I think it's been a hit it's been a hit and guess who we got I don't need to guess what I don't need to guess I know who we've got this week being given an off-menu tasting menu is Jen Brister.

0:53The wonderful Jen Brister. What a fantastic comedian and person she is, James. Such a wonderful comic. Now, when Jen was on this podcast originally, I was very mean to her and shouted at her. She was one of the first people, the earliest people to choose a cheese board. Yeah. I absolutely flew off the handle. I was livid. So this might be more of a redemption episode for me. Yes, I think so. Yeah, I can maybe learn from my past behaviour, conduct myself with a bit more dignity and just practice some good manners I think. It hasn't happened yet I don't think in your life. Not yet. Where you've learnt from previous mistakes and conducted yourself in a sort of human and polite way.

1:32Yes and that's what makes this so exciting. I might finally do it. And I'd be pretty happy with that. That's a good opportunity. I think Jen would allow me that. I do worry that maybe already not done that because the menu that we're going to give Jen is the menu of Joel Domit we're giving her Joel Domit's menu so it's instantly rude of us the first bad menu we had on the podcast I think and still is probably up there with the worst ever yeah it's really the listeners still haven't let it go it's still not out of his life and we're about to introduce it into someone else's life who I'm pretty sure has no idea about it and does not want it Jen will not want this no I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal it would have been something if we got back you know someone who had had a bad menu and gave them this they I mean that would be interesting to do in the future in the future we should probably get someone whose menu was awful give them another awful menu and they might be like this is delicious I love it but this is not going to be the case today we're deliberately annoying Jen because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry Jen is very funny when she's angry so yeah I mean we're just getting a friend on and ruining the day yes apologies jen because jen is a wonderful person doing wonderful things at the moment her non-profit all our relations is fantastic uh they they put gigs on but also you can go uh to their website and donate they're helping families in gaza uh supporting them in crisis providing them with legal logistical and emotional support uh that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity so you can uh give monthly uh you can donate uh today whatever you want to do whatever you can give obviously at the minute the situation in gaza uh needs all of us uh behind it and all of us helping everybody there i mean it is as it says on the website a crisis yes absolutely so go to allourrelations.co.uk and you can donate to this brilliant non-profit which is helmed by the amazing jen brister having said all of that we love jen and we love all the work she's doing both creatively and for charity but we have got her into the studio to make her angry yeah i mean It doesn't reflect great on us, really, when you think about it.

3:45It doesn't reflect very well on us at all. But, you know, rarely do we come out of this podcast smelling of roses. No, very true. No secret ingredient today, though. So Jen will not be kicked out. She'll just have to live in her anger. Yes. She can thank us for that. So let's get on with it. This is the tasting menu of Jen Brister.

4:11Welcome back, Jen, to the Dream Restaurant. Good to see you, Jen. Wow, guys, after the last time I was here, so much has happened and my tastes have changed dramatically. Have they? Yes. So whatever you're going to offer me, I think you think you know what I'm going to like, but you don't. Honestly, as you get older, your tastes, they really, they can do a complete handbrake turn. Really? Yeah. So talk us through it then, compared to, because it's been a long time since you've been in the Dream Restaurant. It's been a long time. And I feel like last time, there was some kind of a hoo-ha about dessert.

4:43Right. You chose a cheese board. Yeah. I chose a cheese board, which... Oh, I just remembered that I'd forgotten. Yeah. How could you forget that? One of the first people to choose a cheese board. Because a few people have since. Chosen a cheese board. Did they get the same reaction that I got when I chose? Okay, good. Fine. Don't you worry. Because that was quite extreme. The worst was on... We did one on Zoom during lockdown with Dolly Alderton and James shut his laptop and logged out the Zoom. Why? What did Dolly choose? Cheese board. Oh, good for her. That's the treatment she got. This is exactly why Dolly and I connect.

5:14Yes. Over cheese. Over cheese. Yeah. But have your tastes changed? My tastes may have changed. So I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti-pudding. Are you telling me that you would choose an actual dessert now? Yeah, I might. Like if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheese board? I might not. Wow. Something to think about. You still like cheese, right? I still love cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe I had an effect on you. I had an influence on you. Yeah, it was tough love. but it's changed you for the better. Is that what you're saying? No.

5:44I'm just saying that I've matured. Like a fine cheddar. Like a fine, exactly. I'm just saying that I'm more complicated than you think I am. I'm a complex individual. And I think you may have put me into the cheese zone. And I want to say that I want you to know that this could go anywhere today. Well, maybe I should apologise for my previous behaviour when you were on the podcast. It was a bit too reactive looking back. Oh, okay. I thought it was a genuine apology. it was a link into your tour, Jen. I loved it. Let's talk about reactivists going. You're hitting the road. You must be excited. I know that you love going on tour.

6:21I do, James. Thank you. I am, as we know, a very positive individual that loves being on the road. And that hasn't changed since I've turned 50. No, I'm really looking forward to it. The UK island in October. So, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. It's very exciting. And like, is there anything you can reveal about the show yet? What do you mean? Is there any subjects? Is it about anything? Is there... It's reactive. It's me reacting to things. And we... Is it like a YouTube thing where you play clips, viral clips, and then you react to them? Is it you reacting to your own viral clips? Oh, yeah, because you've got viral clips now.

7:01I have got viral clips. When we originally had you on the podcast... I wasn't viral. You weren't viral. No, I was a no one. You were nothing. I was a nobody. and you guys picked me up off the curb scraped me off Benito said should we get Jane Brister on the show and me and James went she's nothing I said who I didn't know who it was even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years we did Edinburgh together yeah 2009 2009 we did Edinburgh together yeah you were in a gold lame suit never forget it was your gold lame suit it was my gold lame suit it was the it was the final it was the final night of the fringe and Jen wore a wonderful gold lame how would you describe it I would call it a onesie.

7:37Onesie for her final performance. And when she came off stage, I hadn't planned anything. I said, go and get changed again. And then I'm wearing that. Yeah. And so Ed came out in. Yeah, I mean, it was good. I enjoyed it. You can address the elephant in the room. I was a lot fatter. Yeah. And also, there was a lot to see. There was a lot going on. You had to defocus your eyes below the waist. Other than that. I looked like a fat Oscar. You looked gorgeous. Yes. Oh, no, I know. There was a reason I wore it. It's for... Well, it's for comedy. Anyway. It's for comedy and for hotness. For the hotness.

8:14But now here I am. And despite my celebrity, here I am. Back on the podcast. A mystery for the both of you. I mean, this tour is going to be huge. I already know it's going to be sold out every single night. I don't know why we're bothering promoting it. You're a big deal now, Bristol. It's going to be jam-packed. I hope so. I hope... Do buy a ticket. Yes. I'm doing... London is at the Apollo. and so that's slightly stressful as I'm sure both of you have done it before but I haven't so yeah that's a bit of a stress but you know buy a ticket but also I'm very relaxed about it yeah you've been pretty chill about the whole thing I do I am are you going to pick on the front row no I don't am I going to pick on the front row no because it's not they might be scared to sit on the front row heckler's welcome no heckler's not welcome I didn't pick on them I'm literally not going to you can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone I've written a show yeah yeah I've written actual jokes just come and have a laugh at those what if someone's wearing a really funny hat on the front row are you going to mention and you're like a hundred dates in you know you've done the material a billion times and you look down and there's someone and they're wearing like a big like a big like a hand for a hat like it's a huge hand on their head what?

9:24why are you wearing that? well there you go you have to ask it you don't know that you want to look okay am I going to comment on that are you asking me? well yeah I mean you can't do a show called Reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand hat. I think that's... Like when people wear the gladiators. Also, they're going to be blocking the people behind them. Of course, I'm going to... Yeah, I'm going to go straight in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And if you're filming it, you get a viral clip out of that. Yeah. You get a viral... You go viral again. You'd love that. Yeah. I mean, that's... Thanks for the tips, guys.

9:56I'll take it. It's all on board now and I can't wait for the person with the hand hat. In fact, I might actually have... If you see a clip going out, Yeah. It isn't a plant that was suggested by James Acaster and Ed Gamble. No, it is actually me reacting to something in the room. You're welcome. You're going to be livid if that actually happens now. I'm fucking furious. Because they listen to this bloody podcast. I know that your fans are completely batshit. That's the kind of thing that they do. Oh, let's go for a listen. Let's see if Jim Brister is very hilarious. Viral. So the fun with a hand hat on.

10:30Yeah. And then you go into them. Yeah. goes viral jenbarista.co.uk for tickets yes go get yourself one you won't regret it so good at promo Jen I know it's one of my forties thank god the things went viral otherwise I'm fucked we want to taste a menu for you Jen yeah I'm excited as you know we're going to basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on so this is a previous guest that we've had and you're going to be having their dream meal okay who are you hoping for is there anyone who you know so many guests that have been on this podcast is there any that you would go I hope it's that person I hope I get their menu I was hoping to have Miriam Margulies but you've already given that away straight away to John Cairns first one I cannot believe I didn't get Miriam Margulies that would have been the perfect fit for me I know I would have loved it whatever it was it would have been right up my alley so that's who I was hoping for I didn't get Miriam so I'm going to go Paul Rudd you'd like Paul Rudd's menu yeah why not yeah that was a solid menu from memory.

11:33That's a good menu. I think you'd like that. Nothing too controversial. Jen, can I ask a question? Yeah. Because you know that we're picking the menu for you. And as we said before, before we started recording, we said, you know, sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like or they'll find interesting or that we'll get a reaction out of them for. Okay. What sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu? Ed? Yes? I am pretty much 100 % certain that both you and James have picked a menu that you think I am going to hate. Am I correct? Well, we'll see.

12:05We'll see. But we're not going to, like... You've changed your taste as well. We can't predict you, Jen. I absolutely know this is going to be a menu I'm not going to like, but here we go. Not necessarily. Well, you've changed. You said you've changed. I have changed. First time you're in the Dream Restaurant. Yes, that's true. We can't predict you. Okay. Well, let's see. What have you got for me? Am I allowed to know whose menu it is, or does it happen at the end? Joel Domit's menu. Joel? Okay. So there's going to be a lot of meat. Meat heavy? We'll see. We'll see, won't we? scared you seem quite happy about it nice guy joel's a nice guy i love joel joel was one of the earliest episodes and there was you know a lot of reaction online for his menu so it was popular okay it was a big joel's menu i'd say was a big moment in the history of this podcast i'm gonna say there's going to be too much food okay that's interesting because he's because he's like ripped and yeah because he's gonna there's gonna be it's gonna be protein heavy right it's gonna be like six roast chickens it's going to be a steak you're going to be like some of the steak is raw and maybe a pint of like whole milk three pints of Guinness and Guinness?

13:11yeah he likes Guinness and the dessert's going to be like vomit making it's going to be gross yeah? yeah this is what I'm predicting and then he's burning it off in the gym well I won't be burning it off in the gym that's the problem but yes and then he'll be like you know pressing pulling punching Pressing, pulling and punching. Yeah, that's what it does. Classic three Ps. Look, nice and easy to start. He's got some sparkling water. Okay, I like sparkling water. Fantastic. We're on to a great start. Great, okay. I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling. I think I chose sparkling water.

13:46So that's good. And also, I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by. Really? So you chose bread? Yeah, there was bread. There was bread or something else I could choose. Pompadoms, but we were appalled that you chose bread. James you in particular were like I don't eat bread I gave up bread ages ago bread's for losers and I was like yeah who eats bread anymore I was like I do I love bread it doesn't feel like we would have said that it doesn't feel like you would have said that I didn't say that I eat bread all the time good for you I love it yeah were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded yeah maybe everything Jen said you said who's eating bread IBS maybe I did maybe I did for a laugh did you get because James does give things up quite a lot I think you'd given up bread at the time.

14:28Maybe you did. Maybe you'd given up bread. I think you were something about gluten. Yeah, maybe. You were bread free. Maybe. And I turned up saying, I love bread. And you were appalled. Wow. Yeah. I've changed, I guess. Have you? Which bread are you into? All of them, yeah. I love them. I love bread. You know, I'm not eating it all the time, but like pretty regularly. Yeah. Had some nice bread yesterday. I had some sourdough focaccia yesterday. Oh, amazing. Delicious with some olive oil. Bread and that butter. And sometimes they put salt on top of the butter. What's that about? Yeah, delicious.

14:57Well, it needs it. I mean, you know, the more salt, the better, I say. That's what I say. Hey, I had some bread at the weekend. What kind? Gale's sourdough. Okay. And for the starter, I made toasted sourdough with bone marrow. Did bone marrow in the oven with a shallot and parsley salad, St. John's style. I forgot to ask you how that went. That sounds... That sounds... You're full gourmet now. Yeah, that was full gourmet. That was a rare gourmet. You are... That's quite, I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out. Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing that every week.

15:31No, I'm not. Do you know where he got it from? He got it from a butcher's that he likes. And it's because he watched the finale of Severance and he was so, like, he had so much adrenaline afterwards, just pinging around in his body and so much energy that he walked two hours to the butcher's. And then he decided, when he was at the butcher's, he decided to buy some meat so he could have his dinner. My favourite butcher's is two hours walk from my house. So quite often when I go there, I'll go, I'm just going to walk to the butchers because it makes me feel like I'm in Charles Dickens' time. Oh, I didn't know it was the Charles Dickens.

16:01We're walking to the butchers in London on a nice day. Hello, everyone. Top of the morning. Waving at kids and stuff. I mean, why is it two hours away from there? There's nothing closer? I think there probably is something closer, but I've just decided I like that butcher's. Wow. Two hours is quite the schlep for some bone marrow. And then two hours back, a four-hour round trip. I didn't walk back. I've got to move it back. Okay, fair play. I bought a steak as well. I bought a big Galician ribeye bone on the bone. What? I mean, this is fair. I don't think I have a butchers near me where they do that.

16:32You can get sausages and you can get mints. I think if you call them and ask for... For bone marrow? Yeah, they definitely do. Because they'll have bones knocking around. Wow. They're a byproduct to what they do. Something to look forward to. Is there anyone or anything, and don't just say no straight away, that you would walk two hours for, if you think about it? What, in terms of food? No, just anyone or anything. Anyone in your life that you would walk two hours to see, if you're honest? Say your kids, Jo. Well, obviously my children. You would walk two hours? Of course I'd walk two hours to see my family.

17:04I would walk two hours to see my brother. And I think there were certain friends of mine I would make that effort. Name the friends. Oh, God. Name them. I'm not going to name them because if I name them, they're going to be like, well, why wasn't I named? Yeah, yeah. Come on. Okay. I'm going to see my friend, Julia Westwood. That's her maiden name, not her married name. But that's how I always know her. And I'm seeing her tonight and I would walk two hours to see her. But you don't believe in her marriage. I don't acknowledge her wedding and I don't acknowledge her. Julia Marshall is her. But I know who's Julia Westwood.

17:40Do you know when you know someone from the line when you're a little? That is their name. And whenever I say her name, it's always Julia Westwood. I never just say Julia. She is, I'm going to see Julia Westwood. How's Julia Westwood? Julia Westwood's great. yeah sometimes I still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name which is my it's your name spoiler alert yeah of course I feel pathetic I've still got my sister's maiden name you haven't moved on James you're such a loser you need to take on another name that's really sad I've still got my sister's maiden name why don't you take your sister's married name yeah yeah I should do that really be a grown up move on with my life instead of talking about the name that she had when she was a little baby really embarrassing walking around I'm calling myself James Acaster.

18:21One day you will be a grown-up, but today's not that day. Yeah. Oh, that is disappointing, actually. Now I see it like that. Well, good news on the bread front. Joel did choose bread. He chose naan bread. Naan bread? Naan, sorry. Not naan, but I just did the awful, the white faux pas. I'm saying naan bread. You're just supposed to say naan? Naan. I said bread bread, didn't I? Bread bread. Oh, yeah, of course. Naan. I like naan. What kind of naan? Just plain naan, garlic naan? He just said naan. I mean, he didn't seem to give a... No. I imagine it was probably Peshwari. It was probably the one we bought.

18:57No, my least favourite. Is that your favourite? Peshwari. Let's rank the naans for God's sake. I think garlic naan is my favourite. Garlic naan's Nima Uno. I think garlic naan is the one I'd always go for because it's got a little something extra, but it's not, it's accompanying the meal. It's not invading the meal. Exactly. Yeah. And it's got butter on it. That's great. It's a little bit salty. It's got the garlic on it. The Peshwari naan, what's that? was it coconut sultanas sometimes in there I mean I do like it I will say with a very very spicy tomato based curry it does work if it's like super spicy it cuts through the spice quite nicely see this is why I do this podcast with this guy he knows stuff like that I was about to say my problem with fish is like where do you even put it in a meal like where do you have it he knows Ed knows well that's where I do it but you know different tastes for different I don't know for me it's like do I want do I want a pudding with my tomato based curry no no well that's fair enough it's like having one of those one of those I think macaroons yeah yeah I don't want a macaroon with my you think pechawari naan is the equivalent with my jalfrezi yeah yeah that is like some macaroon with a jalfrezi yeah exactly yeah I mean keem naan is another option which is is that the meat one yeah mince meat one but that one can be okay if it's got loads of chilli in it yeah you had a really keema naan with mince and very, very, very spicy green chilli.

20:19Oh, just get in there. Yes. But also, I find that that one feels like a meal in and of itself. In and of itself, yeah. So, like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic. I'd be garlic number one, then keema, then pishwari, then the plain one last. They do a cheese one in some places. No. Oh. What? I'm pretty sure at Kismet in Edinburgh, they do a cheese one. Oh, they do like a, yeah, like a paneer one. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, Kismet do some white stuff. I'm okay with paneer. You'd be okay with the opinion of Naan? You don't seem like you would be. Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what?

20:51No! I thought I just said this. Very reactive. What the fuck are you talking about? Just upend the table. Just for the listener, because Benito will edit himself out. Joel said, originally, poppadoms, but he thought he was saying Naan. Right. So in his head, he was saying... Poppadoms are Naan? That's what he thought. Okay. He thought that papadoms were naan, so he was getting confused. But then he realised that papadoms weren't naan, and that's why he went for naan. I think we probably had to tell him. My family was watching Masked Singer together. Oh, he's so good on that. He's so good on it.

21:28He's amazing on it. He's incredible on it. And my dad, who, you know, he's not the best at just keeping a thought in his head, just went, he's so strikingly attractive.

21:40Strikingly attractive man. He really is. He's very easy on the eye. And when he takes his top off, everyone's looking. Even me. Everyone's looking. We're all having a look, aren't we? We can't help ourselves. Yeah, we're looking. We're only human. Of course. Am I right? Yeah. We're not made out of stone. No, but he is. He's chiseled. Yes. He's been carved by Raphael. The turtle. Yes, the turtle.

22:07Joel's dream starter, which is what you're going to have. Okay, all right, let's go. This is where we really get. this is where we're going to get into it we're going to get into the proper meal because we've been fine we've had sparkling water and none and I'm really happy I'm going to tell you what he ordered and I'm also going to tell you the reason why he ordered it okay nachos because you never know how big they're going to be what are you talking about nachos because you never know how big they're going to be what does that even mean so what you don't know if they're going to be a starter or a mate well he's ordered it for a starter but like he's like you never know how big the nachos are going to be when you order them and he likes the surprise of how much you get So you might get too many nachos and he's like, wow, this is great.

22:44Yeah. Or you might not get enough nachos. I mean, no one's never had not enough nachos. Yeah, that's a very good point. I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos. I've thought, okay, there's never enough topping. Sure. Too many nachos, not enough cheese, not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff. And then all this dry. I don't get nachos. Nachos are an abomination. They are abhorrent. And I would never order nachos. if it was the last thing on the menu, I would not order nachos. Nachos is for children. Sure, my kids eat nachos. I am 50 years of age. Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top?

23:20I am an adult. Joel, you made a terrible decision. And if you're listening to this, shame on you. Too many people have been nice to him about this menu. So it's good. I don't know if he said what he wanted on them. I mean, basically... No, he said chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Oh, yeah, sorry. The worst topping. That is the worst topping you could put on nachos. And it won't be nice, chicken. No. Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the, there's that squeezy weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar. And that salsa, it's like, that's not salsa. What is this? And then the chicken?

23:57I don't even know. I mean, it's not even chicken. Yeah, it's little bits of like shredded chicken on there, I guess, you know, with the watery salsa. and the plastic cheese. Does Joel like food? Well, you just draw your own conclusions as the menu progresses, really, if Joel likes food or not. I'm not eating nachos, so they've gone to one side. You won't eat them? No, I'm not eating them. Are your kids with you? They can eat them? My kids can eat them, sure. And Chloe, my partner, she'll eat them. She loves nachos. Oh, there you go. I know, I don't even know how we got together. I'm like, this is unacceptable.

24:29At what age do you think you stopped? Were you like, now, I'm old enough now, I can reject nachos? I don't think I ever liked nachos. I don't think even as a kid I was like, wow, these... I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably not that young, maybe like 20 or something. And I was like, why are we eating this? What is this? I mean, it's fine. It's not a meal. I mean, I completely agree with that. Whenever I get excited to order nachos, if I've not had them in a long time, but then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited. And then you realize there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath.

25:01And it's impossible to... To maneuver. What you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you. So you can just dip a good one. Yes. But also the other thing I don't like about nachos, you're sharing nachos often. And everyone's double dipping. They're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in and then they're having a bite. What are you doing? You're never just eating watery salsa. You're eating watery salsa, mixing with your friend's spittle. Especially if you're eating them with your kids, right? They're a little illness machine. Yes, with their little feral fingers.

25:35Yeah, I mean, look, I love all my nephews, but any time something like that is on the table, I'm like, you go for it, guys. I'm not sharing that with you. No, and you're right not to. We're all going to get COVID at the end of these nachos. Yeah, these are COVID nachos. This is pre-COVID. This is Joel's nachos. This is pre-COVID when he chose them. So that's a good question. Who can say? That's a good question. Now, are we giving you pre-COVID nachos because that's when Joel chose it? Post-COVID. Or is there the risks of COVID and everything? I'm going to say that these are probably post-COVID nachos.

26:08I don't think the pre-COVID nachos would have survived. When restaurants came back, did they wait longer to bring chain Mexican restaurants back? Because of the nachos. Because of the COVID. Yeah. I think you'll probably find that Oaxaca's was closed for a lot longer than Wagamama's. They refused to take nachos off the menu. Like, we, we, nachos belong on our menu. In fact, I don't even know if they have nachos. They've got those posh nachos, haven't they? Yeah, I'm not sure they do Baked nachos Oh, yeah, yeah I'm sorry, but they're no better No Wagamama was hit hard with the social distancing though Yeah, that's true Because they fucking love to cram them in They love it They love it to be opposite Next door, on top It was always going to come back and bite them The way we work here is We'll put you on top of this person Is that alright?

26:53If you just sit directly on them They're absolutely fine They'll be leaving in five So you haven't eaten the nachos, fair enough You've not even pecks at them? Did we talk about the topping? You said chicken. Chicken and cheese and... Well, because he's not specified. I mean, there's obviously going to be cheese on that chicken. Oh, guacamole. There's some guacamole on there. Made in Mexico properly, because that was one of his nice memories. Oh, okay. So decent guacamole. Being in Mexico with Nish and having some guacamole made fresh for them and it being incredible. Okay, well, fresh made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip.

27:27It goes lovely with chicken nachos. I've dodged I've dodged the chicken and I've just headed for the guac yes okay yeah you've dipped a few chips in the guac sour cream only if the only if the salsa's great yeah if the salsa's great you need a bit of sour cream but if the salsa's shit we don't need sour cream he didn't specify if the salsa was good he was guac focused he was very guac focused yeah Joel we're gonna have to have words

27:59The main course. This is Joel's dream main course. Okay. This is going to be meat heavy, I bet. Chips, beans, sausages and cheese. Get the fuck out. Chips, beans. He can have any fucking meal. He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage and cheese. What the fuck is wrong with Joel? Well, you're having it as well, Jen. I don't want chips, beans. That's what I had at the canteen at school. That's why he wanted it. That's why he wanted it. It reminds him of the canteen at school. He wanted chips, beans. Because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager. Yeah, well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

28:36I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people. I think he did. I mean, I don't have, like, horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories, and I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen. Yeah. Chips, cheese, and beans. And you had that because literally everything else was inedible. Yeah, sure. They'd sometimes do, like, a breaded chicken thing, or they'd do fish and chips, and the fish was, like, you know like entirely batter and then you'd look there'd be zero fish in there yeah yeah did you ever have the rib? do you remember the rib? what was the rib?

29:03definitely did not have the rib didn't have a rib at my time no it was like reconstituted meat pressed it was like a patty but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib because it had like different segments going along it covered in like really sweet barbecue sauce do you remember it? no no I don't remember that bad stuff I don't think we had anything as posh as that I mean we literally had chips I must stress it was not posh at all I mean you went to posh school that was posh that's posh oh because it was at a posh school yeah it was posh I mean that was like our schools got bad news it's disgusting yeah but you got the good stuff it was cheap you didn't even know how lucky you were you had something that resembled a rib we didn't even know what ribs were we were like what what are ribs oh I remember actually when we'd finished we used to send the packaging off to your school to eat and which we used to deep fry and have with cheese and beef yeah we loved it we thank you for that package yeah you're dipping your rib in your quail's egg so your school canteen those that was your go-to was it so what was joel was chips was it chips beans sausages and cheese i wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school no way so you wouldn't have eaten no god no no way i would have had chips even as a kid you're going i don't trust those sausages no you have to remember i had a spanish mom so we had like our food was nice so I didn't really like processed crap I wasn't I mean I was like this doesn't why is this sausage white yeah sure why are we eating white sausages it's bizarre chips, cheese and beans I would never have touched the sausages the fact that he's chosen sausages I'm absolutely livid about I I I'm so disappointed and what am I drinking with this fucking horrible meal we'll get to it we'll get there you've got the sparkling water that's there you've got that the whole thing but you've also got he's got a drink later don't worry so were you going so you were having are we having posh chips posh cheese no see it's school canteen it's exactly what you said the school canteen stuff I can't believe you fuckers chose this menu for me chips cheese and beans with naan bread yeah yeah yeah and the nachos and nachos this is like the worst menu that's ever yeah famously famously the worst menu well we can admit that now

31:21people still to this day Joel did this in our first year which is 2018 still to this day people shout at him in the street for this menu I'm not surprised he gets abuse shouted at him for it yeah he should and he's like he's a legit celebrity now and people still remember this he's moved on since he did this episode he's now like hosting huge TV shows everyone loves Joel he's a big A-list a celeb guy still gets abuse about this yeah as he should I hope it follows him to the grave yeah so when you're at school you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen yeah then what you were obviously looking forward to what you were going to get when you got home yeah what sort of stuff were you getting getting at home my mum used to cook like really I mean sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers we were like but you know we would get calamari or we would get like my mum would make homemade albondigas or she would make croquetas or she would make you know on a very special occasion it would be paella that would be like one of our birthdays or she would just make like a Thai curry or, you know, she was cooking good food.

32:20We come home, I always look forward to dinner because I knew it was going to be great. So this is chips, cheese and beans, man. Not good. It's not ideal, I guess. No. My mum was a good cook as well and is a good cook, but I used to eat so much crap. I'd eat my packed lunch at morning break and then sneak into main lunch. Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap. like from the as soon as I got you know did you have a tuck shop? Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah Flavour that's what it's called Your tuck shop was called Flavour? It had a name L-A-V-A Flavour like the Peter Andre song it was named after Flavour Flav Was that what it was named after?

32:59No it was named after the Peter Andre song I wish it was named after Flavour Flav we didn't know Flavour Flav was at Montague School but we knew that Peter Andre was cool and six pack and if we wanted a six pack you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff like that Yeah It's true then Did your tuck shop have a name at school? If it did I do not remember it at an all-girls Catholic school, it was probably called Tuck Shop. And I don't remember who was selling stuff at the Tuck Shop. It must have been a student. Cameron. Is that someone from school? Yeah, Cameron started it. It was part of his... It started by a student.

33:27Yeah, yeah. It was part of one of... In one of his lessons, I can't remember what one was, but his project that he wanted to do was start a Tuck Shop. So everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class for that lesson. And he was like, no, I'm going to start it at break time properly and call it Flavour. This guy's a CEO now. Yeah, definitely. He's got to be a billionaire. What does he own? He might be listening to this. I did bump into him once. I mean, he's like the equivalent. He's Bezos-ing it somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. He's got to be. He's doing good. He's the Kettering of Bezos.

33:55I was excited when I was at school because there was the tuck shop, but then when you went to sixth form, it was a different, it was sixth form common room and it was a different little tuck shop. Oh, what did you get different? And that tuck shop did microwave pizzas. Wow. What an experience to have microwaved dough. Chicago Town One pound Microwave pizzas Microwave burgers Chicago Town pizzas In the school touch shop To this day How big were they? I love Chicago Town Like personal sized pizzas Like that maybe And then You open the box Yeah And then you Turn the lid up And put the pizza On top of the box And then microwave it Wow Boiling hot Yeah So sweet Like eating cake With tomato on it Yeah And that's The kind of cheese That sticks to the roof Of your mouth Yeah Big time Like napalm Horrible completely stripped the skin on the victim after that yeah like those what were they what did they used to have I'll tell you something I was fascinated by because I went round to a friend's house and they had them were crispy Finder's crispy pancakes because I we didn't have that sort of stuff we didn't have that either that was wild to me that bright orange crusty thing filled with lava yeah it was molten lava right yeah you couldn't put it in your mouth yeah yeah never had that in our house that sort of stuff and always so exciting to see it in someone else's house.

35:12It's so exciting to see it. So actually, I lied. Actually, when I saw some processed stuff, I was like, what is this? Yeah, yeah. Incredible. Same with Pop-Tarts. We never had Pop-Tarts. We never had Pop-Tarts. Man, I really want to be so bad. I asked for them all the time. Me too. I was like, just the strawberry ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, did you have one? And I remember having one going, yeah. So sweet. Because it was too late when I had one. I had one when I was probably like... 42. Yeah, and I was like, here we go. They can't stop me now. What the fuck? I wish they had. Yeah. Oh, well, look, you've had some of that.

35:43You've had the chips, beans and cheese, have you? Yeah, I'm hungry. I've had some of it. Yeah. Are you mixing it all up? I'm mixing the cheese in with the beans. Yeah. And then probably, yeah, probably sticking the chips in there with the beans. Yeah. Making them soggy.

36:05Okay, well, the side dish might, genuinely, I think this might turn things around a little little bit okay sweet potato fries oh no i don't like sweet potato fries i don't like sweet potato they're a nice accompaniment to chips i can't believe the accompaniment to chips cheese sausage and beans is chips i mean do you want to know um one of joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries yeah please let's hear because he wanted to because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same he wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other.

36:39And how was he making that point? Just by having both of them. By having both of them. How was he demonstrating that they were... I think he used the podcast as a platform to... To really promote this kind of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's important to have strong feelings. You've got to use your platform wisely. Yeah, use it wisely. If you're going to be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually sweet potato fries are still bad for you. I don't like I would never order sweet potato fries I don't I don't like them no what is it about them that you don't like I live in Brighton though they're on all the menus in Brighton are they Jen you live in Brighton I do live in Brighton why do you like sweet potato fries I just don't like sweet potato fries that's the origin of sweet potato fries probably there's a lot of stuff in Brighton as shit and sweet potato fries is one of them do you want to list some other stuff yeah I don't I mean like we've got enough sourdough yeah Yeah, we don't need it anymore.

37:34I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stags and hens. We really do. They can eat the sweet potato fries. Yeah, they do. They do with their WKD cocktails. They love it. They do love a blue cocktail. Yeah. With a penis straw, James. You'll be pleased to know. I am pleased to know that. I'm pleased to know that. They're still going. You think penis straws ended in the 80s and the 90s? Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore. He's got loads. How many penis straws have you got? 48. How come? I mean, look, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my, well, two tours ago and my upcoming special.

38:08But during COVID, I threw a hen party for my wife. So just me and her and you can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot. Right. So you used to. Yeah, used to, but didn't want to throw them out, really, the rest of them. Because it's really bad for the environment. They're not recyclable penis straws. So now we've got a big drawer full of them. And in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk. Yeah. Great. Yeah. There's probably loads of uses for these penis straws. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, snorkels. Obviously for plants, you can use chopsticks. Chopsticks.

38:42That's a good idea, actually. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Cocksticks. Cocksticks, yeah. She's a reviewer. She's a comedy reviewer, isn't she? Or cocksics. Kate Cox. Kate Cox, yeah. She's absolutely dynamite. If you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks, are you going bellend in the noodles or bellend poking up at you? Oh, that's a really good question. I think I'm going to use the bellends to grip. To grip. I'm going to be gripping onto the bellends and using the other bits to pick up my various things. That's what I do. To pick up my chips, cheese and fucking beans. And my naan bread with my penis straw fucking chopsticks.

39:24Jesus. You're enjoying the riff and then you remembered what the menu was. And then I remember the menu. You're in a wake in hell. Also, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos followed by chips followed by sweet potato fries. Yeah, that's actually quite rare. It's quite nice. It's unique, definitely. And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds. Yeah, it reads like the entire menu at a student union. It really does. I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavour. Yeah. Yeah.

40:01I'm still really intrigued. So I've got I've got sparkling water. I've got naan bread. I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit. I've got chips, cheese, beans and sausage. Yeah. And sweet potato fries. What am I doing? Don't forget sweet potato fries. Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side. Okay, so all of this is Are your kids eating those as well? Yeah, my kids can have all of those. So far they've eaten the meal. My children. They're full. Yeah. I need a drink. I need something. Yes. What do you want? Just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine? It's not wine, no. It's not Guinness, is it?

40:32It's not Guinness, no. It's not Guinness, no. A lager? It's not a lager, no. Oh my God. Is it something like a pina colada? What is it? No. Joe Domit's dream drink, and this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake.

40:53So, okay. Oh my God. Didn't I say it? I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it'd be protein heavy with actual food stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not food, yeah. Okay. Oh my God, this is absolutely... But what flavour is it? I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes the strawberry one, yeah. Strawberry. That's like the worst flavour. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No, who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milkshake, strawberry jam. They're all the worst... Strawberry's the worst flavour. He loves it. It's his favourite drink. His favourite drink. Strawberry protein shake. Yeah, it's his favourite.

41:27So, I'm hungry. Yeah. That'll fill you up though, lovely protein shake. I mean, that will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards. Yeah. Really sad. Maybe. Do you enjoy a protein shake now and again? No, of course not. Why would I be drinking a protein shake? You said you wanted a drink a minute ago. I do. That's something decent, like a nice glass of wine. I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal. But protein shake's like gym wine. Oh, my God. And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it? Very sweet. It is really super sweet. And thick, yeah? Are they thick? Depends how many scoops you put in.

42:07Of the protein powder. I mean, this is for Joel, right? Yeah. So this is going to be one thick protein shake. Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake, I'd imagine. Oh, my God. A protein shake with potato fries and sweet potato. Dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. that could be a little treat yeah we were horrible to Joel I now do have protein shakes yeah but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal god no no it's not your dream drink it's not my dream drink you would be doing it like oh I need to bulk up so I'm going to have a protein shake is that right sometimes I mix the powder in with yoghurt oh Jesus Jesus Christ that really just sounds revolting yeah I don't really like dairy based drinks is it dairy based?

42:50there'll be Yeah, powdered milk in there probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up. Just what every lesbian wants. Okay. Some foamy, dairy-based, claggy drink sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it. If that makes it any better. Actually, that makes it much better. Okay, well, this is... It's going to take a long time to get that. It's going to take a while. Yeah, I have to be sucking that. Yeah. Sucking that penis straw hard. Because as someone who has penis straws, the aperture at the top is actually quite small. Oh, really? That's a sight to behold, isn't it?

43:30It's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah?

43:50I'd love to know what the dessert is, James. Sure. I mean, it's quite a nice bridge, actually, to the dessert, I think, the protein shake. To his credit, he's thought about it. He's got those nachos and the chips and the potato fries, and that's a nice thematic meal. And then the bridge, he's got the protein shake, so the little bridge to the dessert. It's a strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. Uh-oh. No? I thought you'd like this one. I thought this is like a nice... This is normal. I've just told you how I feel about strawberry. Yeah. And I don't like white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate.

44:21I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection. And I don't particularly like cheesecake. So you have given me possibly the worst pudding. I thought you changed your mind. I've gone 180. I've gone 180. And now I'm 180 again. I'm 360'd. No, I'm livid. This is the most... This is... Cheesecake. The kids have got to have the cheesecake. Really? It's cheesecake, Jen. You love cheese. You love cheese? Yes, but I don't like strawberry white chocolate cheesecake. No, I wouldn't eat it. Your kids are going to throw up in the car on the way home. They are going to be really sick.

44:55They're sharing it. There's two of them. It's fine. Have you let the kids have the protein shake? No, they're not having that. That will really make them sick. The protein shake's in the bin. Yeah. I had one go on the penis drawer. It wasn't working. I've been it. It's gone. It's gone for good. I'm sorry to say, I didn't even think about the recycling. the penis draw's gone with it yeah yeah no that's alright you're one down that's alright you've got only 47 to go I'll go and find that penis in the bin yeah what a dark night cock in a bin the protein shake is the thing that he's got the most amount of grief for since yeah since the podcast yes of course what do people shout at him protein shake wanker and like you fucking prick you fucking shit menu domit that sort of stuff shit menu domit yeah yeah that's gone on for what like five years whatever it's been how many bits It's longer than that, seven years.

45:46Yeah, seven years. Netflix tweeted about it. Yeah, good to them. Netflix tweeted about, yeah. Someone, I did a tweet about, I'd watched a true crime series and I was like, has anyone watched this? It's absolutely nuts. And Netflix replied saying, not as nuts as someone choosing a protein shake as their dream drink. I was like, well, it's made it to Netflix HQ. Wow, that's quite something. Do you remember when Twitter was just like, you could just go. Really fun stuff. That was fun. This show's nuts. Yeah, and then everyone would have a bit of a laugh. Everyone would go, yeah, it is. I disagree with you.

46:16I quite enjoyed it. Yeah. And now it's like, go fuck yourself, you piece of shit. And by the way, your mum's a prick and you've killed your dog. Yeah. By the way. By the way, I've killed your dog. Yeah. It's not been called Twitter anymore. Yeah. Sounds like something, X is like a proper evil, like a Darth Vader name. Yeah. It's not a nice place. I'm not on it anymore. I'm not on it. I'm not on it anymore. I'm off it. You're not on anything. You're off everything. Yeah, I'm off everything. Well done. Apart from YouTube. How does that? Respect, love YouTube. do you have the comments on or off of YouTube yeah I don't watch I don't really sometimes I scroll down to the comments I never do it's not stuff about me you know I'm just watching other videos and then sometimes I'm like if I really like someone's really annoying me James is not saying he has an account on YouTube that he posts through you don't put your own things on YouTube oh yeah no I just watch I'm a watcher I'm a fan Benito would like to point out something with the cheesecake go Benito oh yeah so this is the cheesecake that Joel had when he came out the jungle it was his dream thing to have and they gave it to him and he ate it really quickly and then it made him be sick.

47:15He vomited. He vomited this cheesecake. Yeah. But he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it. He vomited because he hadn't been eaten. He enjoyed it too much. Yeah, yeah. His stomach was not used to take him on dairy. Right. All of that dairy, cream, heavy stuff. Right. But he enjoyed it, didn't he? Yeah. And I think there was a comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well. Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out. Oh my God. This says so much. that he enjoyed the cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down. Because I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavour.

47:50Oh, it was the same flavours coming up. Great, great, great. Did he think, maybe have another go? Yeah, I should have done. Maybe, like a dog. Yeah, like that. And then straight back down again. Like a little doggy. I mean, I know Joel pretty well. And his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows, they've known each other since they were very little. And they have the kind of relationship where if one of them said to the other, dare you to do that, they'd still at their age now do it. And if Steve was with him when he puked at the cheesecake, I guarantee if Steve said to him, because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice actually on the way out.

48:27And Steve would say to him, eat it again. He would do it. Joel would do it. So you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had. He would have done it. And then put it back in his mouth. I'm pretty sure, I'm not telling tales outside of school there, and Joel would agree that if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it. What's the difference? I really need to speak to Joel's wife. I think we need to go out for a drink. Maybe she needs to decompress. Maybe there's stuff that needs to come up. Not literally. Not literally, no. We've been through that already.

48:56Yeah. Jesus. Okay. Would you go in the jungle? No. Can you imagine me in the jungle? Yeah. I'd love it. I'd be good. You'd love it. I'd be watching every ep. I know. I mean, I'd have a breakdown day one. Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something, Would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end? I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage. It would have to be anyone. It could be people who are famously nice. And I think you'd lose it day one, like you've been in there for two and a half weeks.

49:25Yeah, I wouldn't make it. And I think that Joel was perfect for the... He was. Because he's such a nice bloke. He's just a nice man. There's no edge to him. He's lovely. He's the best in everyone. Yeah, he's kind. He's like, yeah, you know. And he'll try to make the best of every situation. not this lesbian imagine like you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian t-shirts I don't think they'd be fans by the end of it by the game they'd be like shit that woman's unhinged I used to like her but now that I've discovered what she's really like what a catchphrase not this lesbian not this lesbian hey I think that's a t-shirt I think that as merch goes that could work right yeah definitely that's a good tour name not this lesbian for the next tour yeah Yeah.

50:12Yeah. Something to think about. I think that's a good one. Yeah. James, am I going to have to TM you? Am I going to have to like give you 10 % or something? Yeah. Yeah. I'm afraid so. Oh my God. Well. Because you said it and then I told you to have it as your tour title. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's go down to five then. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Just good negotiation. I can imagine you get like at the end of every joke getting to it and the whole crowd being like, not this lesbian.

50:41that's good the problem is if you sell it as t-shirts you'll get some straight men who think they're funny buying the t-shirt as well right I don't care I'm making a profit from them yeah yeah I got your money I got your money because that's on the back yeah only when you sell it to a straight man you give them one of the ones that say on the back I got your money it's got like a weird transfer and it it picks out the heat that only comes from the pheromones from a man's body and it's like I got your money on the back but not for not for women not for women yeah that is lesbian I think I'm sure that you've been offered the jungle I mean you know you should probably do it I reckon you'd be great on it James one I haven't been offered it and two if I had if I ever was no I don't think there's many James is such a little shit as well because he'd never do it you would never do it I keep asking them and they say no oh bullshit okay if there was one of those kind of shows which one would you do well if I had to do one you have to there is no choice question to the table everyone's got to think what their answer is list them though list them okay so you've got things like Strictly okay yeah Strictly obviously The Jungle what are the other ones people do Dancing on Ice Dancing on Ice that's it alright let's say those three SAS the SAS one oh my god SAS yes oh Jesus Celebrity Big Brother the OG the absolute what Celebrity Traders now Celebrity Traders now okay right I mean I'd do Traitors you'd do Traitors I can't do Traitors because I host the extra show you can't do Traitors okay so you'd do Traitors yeah but that's but you've given me an easy out there because that's a that's a fun one the other ones Strictly looks like one of the most stressful things ever I'd definitely have a breakdown on Strictly I'd definitely have a breakdown in the jungle I think I would do and I'm not going to do it if they're listening which they definitely will be they'll find out about this yeah they're going to find out but I would do the ice skating one to learn to ice skate Oh my God.

52:37Really? Yeah, just to learn to ice skate. Oh no, that looks hard work. I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day. What about, oh my God, I really want you to do it now. You have to do it, James. The ice skating one. Yeah, because I think, you know what, you've got the physique. Who is that guy? Torville, Dean, those guys. Yes. You look like the Dean guy, Chris. Yes. Because of your physique, long legs and... Yeah, but I can imagine him also trying to balance on the ice like one of those things outside the car. Bambi. Actually, I went on a first date once.

53:06ice skating with someone when I was like in my late teens. In Kettering? Yeah, in Kettering. Went to the ice skating and I never really ice skated before and she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining. I mean, I 100%, I don't think anything's changed. Yeah. Can you skate now? No, I've not been again really since then. I imagine ice skating and skiing. Terrible. They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they? Celebrity ski jump. Oh, yeah. Didn't Marcus Brickstock do that and broke his leg? they just want to kill us TV production companies so like what way can we like permanently injure I'd do the SAS one but I'd definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first 10 minutes I think that sounds horrendous I wouldn't do the SAS I definitely wouldn't do the skating on ice I would definitely do traitors and I would probably try Strictly I would never get asked you will get asked but I wouldn't absolutely you'll get asked to do Strictly I don't think I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing Yeah.

54:06Yeah. They definitely ask you to do Strictly. I reckon you're going to do Strictly now. Just imagine at the end of a dance, just you being spun around on the floor and then you land in this position with your head in your hand. You write down the camera and you go, not this lesbian. Yeah. Tens from the judges. Yeah. Tens all round. Do you watch Strictly? Do you know who you would like as your dance partner? I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner. Oh, I'll tell you who I'd like. Yes, I like that tall South African guy. Jojo Jojo oh yeah I have him he's been he's sat in that seat he's delightful yeah he's amazing and also I feel very safe in his hands he's very strong and I think he would be able to lift up my weight my mum went to see him in kinky boots I bet he was amazing in Milton Keynes said he was amazing and apparently my sister had to talk my mum out of bringing a sign that said James Acaster says hello which I did not tell her to do like it was the wrestling yeah I was like a musical I love it maybe you could come up with one of those horns as well yeah a Vuvuzela well he's from South Africa yeah he would have loved that he would have loved it he would have loved it it's a shame that didn't happen actually maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another musical yeah maybe we met him now so it'd be even weirder I mean I think that would be why it was weird yeah we met him then and it was like it made me feel I was like mum if you had done that And he'd seen that and thought, I'd sent you along to do that.

55:36I've met him like a couple of times now, but not well enough. I love that your mum thought that was a good idea. She sounds great. Yeah, she's like, move on and let me do it. Yes. Okay, mum. Thank God my sister was there with her new name. So you had sparkling water, you had naan, you had chicken nachos, It's chips, beans, sausage and cheese, sweet potato fries, a protein shake and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. Yeah, it's awful. All of it. Terrible. Most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin, right? It's in the bin or with my children. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry. Yeah. There's nothing left.

56:13I'm taking it. That's it. We're done. What are you going to get on the way home? So it's late now. The meal's finished. It's like 11 p.m. Your options are limited. What are you grabbing on the way home to fill you up? Is that it? That's the meal. That's it. There's nothing else. He hasn't had like a dessert wine or anything. No, no, just a protein shake for the whole meal. What about that menu suggested dessert one? We're suddenly going to swing it back round and go, yeah, he's going to have a 1992 sauter.

56:38I don't know why I said that. Or I thought he might have had an espresso. Yeah. That's a possibility. He could have had an espresso. That would have been fine, okay? He didn't. He didn't. I mean, there's a possibility that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place. But like, yeah. There's nothing. He does like coffee as well. So we're done. So after pudding, there's nothing? That's it, yeah. Oh my God, you guys. This is a terrible situation. That's what I'm saying. When you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill you up?

57:06I don't know what's open. Kebab? Kebab, yeah? Yeah, I'll go have a lamb sheesh. Is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lamb sheesh? They're all pretty grim.

57:20You can't go wrong with a lamb sheesh, though. No, you've got to go sheesh. You've got to go sheesh. No, Donna, I've got sheesh. And no chips. I don't need any more chips. No. Extra salad, loads of chilli sauce. Let's go. I mean, you're bound to bump into Joel again after this. Oh, I don't think for one second I'm not going to get him in a headlock over this. This is absolutely shocking. I can't believe... Joel, if you're listening, you should be ashamed of yourself for one, choosing this menu, and secondly, that I've had to eat it. How... I hope you can sleep tonight. Yeah. I will say in Joel's slight defence no there is no defence if he did the menu again it would be different now he has told me he's got better taste you've got to get him back on yeah we'll get him back on maybe we give him your menu yeah I don't think he'll like my menu I can't remember what I chose but there was quite a lot of fish wasn't there Riddling Fins he went to Riddling Fins did I go there yeah yeah yeah I love it there he might not like the cheese board I don't know good extra blue cheese on there for you Joel Domit well Jen And do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped?

58:27I think I bloody well did. Yeah, he smashed it. I think you got exactly what you wanted and you're welcome. Yeah, it didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant, Jen. It was a real, I'd like to say it was a pleasure. I'm absolutely furious. Thank you, Jen. That's what we'd hope.

58:52Well, she didn't enjoy that, James. No, I mean, it went quite bad. She apparently left Joel a voicemail, which... Voice message, Grandad. Which we'll try and get hold of. Voice note. So we can play it maybe at the end of the... Maybe after the... Grandad, that's not saying that's me, Ned. Maybe after the... Couple of Grandad. after the outro music for this podcast if we can get hold of that and play it because she sent Joel a pretty angry message pretty much as soon as she left the studio and Joel has messaged us and said look what I've just got so like maybe with that permission we can play that at the end yeah Benito can pop that in at the end thank you Benito don't forget Jen is on tour with her new show Reactive go and check that out and also go to allourrelations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible non-profit.

59:49There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier for families in crisis in Gaza. So please go and have a look at that. We've got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to a bad diner. Yes. A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone. Yeah. So suggestions to Great Benito. I mean we've done it a couple of times where we've got good diners and giving them bad menus. Yeah. So Jen and Bridget. Yeah. Because we find them funny when they're angry. Yeah. Yeah. That's a laugh. Yeah, that is a laugh.

1:00:23But if you could give Benito your suggestions for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus and which bad menus they should get, that, you know, he'll love that. Yeah, he'll love that. Signed chopping board. Obviously, everyone who tweets him gets a signed chopping board. I love that you're still on Twitter in your head. Huh? Yeah, that's how it works. Tweets aren't really the thing anymore, man. People don't do that anymore? No. Writing letters? Written correspondence is back. Yeah, it's back. Why don't you do that? Have you left that as well? Yeah, I left. It's bad for my head. You're getting so many rude letters.

1:00:55It's bad for my head, man. I keep kept on looking at the post every morning. Searching through for any mention of yourself in everyone's letters. Every five seconds each day I've run to the post box. Nothing there. Go again. It'd make me sad if there was nothing there. And then if there was something there, I was like, oh no. Look at it. Yeah. bleeped me out even if it was nice I feel I feel dirty for having looked at it thank you very much for listening to Off Menu as always bye bye bye

1:01:36mate I just did Off Menu it's a new one where you have to eat somebody else's chosen menu. Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear I had to eat your abomination. I just can't believe that of all the food you could have chosen, you had nachos followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake. Are you out of your mind? Joel, it was a shocker. Every single time I went, okay, so at least what am I drinking? Tell me I'm drinking something nice. Oh, a protein shake. Literally go fuck yourself. I mean, I'm still in shock. I can't believe it.

1:02:21I mean, I'll be honest with you, I didn't take it well. And it wasn't even me to eat it. That's how bad it was. I'm still reeling. Anyway, I hope you're well, mate. Hey, I'm Alison Spittle. And I'm Fern Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I'd take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever.

1:03:05And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February. So please listen and subscribe. Thank you.