Jinkx Monsoon

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2:35welcome to the off-menu podcast taking the brisket of conversation smoking it over the wood of humor and i'm in a lovely old smoke bit of brisket chat james that's it gabble my name is

2:46James Acaster: James A. Gasser together. We own a dream restaurant in every single week. We invite a guest asking their favourite ever. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Jinx Monsoon. The wonderful Jinx Monsoon, James. She's an absolute superstar. An icon. An icon. Drag race winner two times over. Two times. A fantastic turn in Doctor Who recently. Yeah. I've seen Jinx do a couple of shows in the past. Jinx has also just been in Over the Rainbow at Soho Theatre Walthamstow Judy Garland yes and is about to be in Oh Mary on the West End so she's already done it on Broadway yeah is now bringing her performance to the West End very exciting Oh Mary is a fantastic show and it will be running from 17th of August to the 26th of September James I think I'll go and see Jinx in the show because I've seen Oh Mary already we've both seen Oh Mary with Mason Alexander Park which is wonderful of course but I'd be excited to see Jinx's interpretation because I was sad to miss it on Broadway it's the great thing about the show is that each Mary brings a different flavour to the whole thing maybe we can get into that absolutely we love talking flavours on the Off Menu podcast but listen if Jinx chooses a secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable we will be forced to kick her out of the dream restaurant and this week the secret ingredient is gin gin sounds a bit like Jinx it's like the first bit of gin It doesn't just sound like it.

4:14James Acaster: It's a part of it. It's a part of it. Yeah. So like, and I don't really like gin on its own. Well, I do drink gin cocktails to be fair to me, but like, I don't like it on its, like of all the spirits. No one really wants to drink gin by itself, to be fair. I'll have a gin and soda now and again, which is pretty much just drinking, just watered down gin. Yeah. I don't mind that, but it's probably, you're probably right. out of all the spirits it's the least solo so are we saying gin on its own yeah I think so just gin on its own I mean Jinx will be having a very bad day if she picks gin on its own yeah especially as I'm pretty sure she doesn't drink right yeah yeah yeah well we'll see what happens yeah it's the Off Menu podcast it's unpredictable I'm on tour next year Ed Gamble Fresh Hell go to edgamble.co.uk for tickets UK tour and Ireland and I'll be going to see it this is the Off Menu Menu of Jinx Monsoon

5:21Welcome, Jinx, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you, Vagy.

5:24James Acaster: Welcome, Jinx Monsoon, to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. It's been years in the making. I think I started planning this meal like eight years ago, nine years ago, when we first talked about me coming on, and then it just never happened. It never happened. I mean, look. What would it have been then? It would have been probably in an office somewhere. We wouldn't have had our own studio. We would have been in your agent's office. Yeah, probably. All echoey. I think we wanted to wait until we were truly ready to have you on. You know, patience is a wonderful thing. Also, you've been busy.

5:58I like being busy. I always say better busy than dead. But I eat my words constantly because one could lead to the other. Yeah. eat my words is a perfect name for this podcast we should have called it we should have called it it was right feels too late now in those nine years since you talked to ed how much has your

6:23James Acaster: taste changed in food how different do you think your menu is now to what it would have been the biggest thing is i don't eat mammals anymore and this is what i because it's like i say i don't eat red meat and then they're like so pork and i'm like no i don't eat pork either and and then they're like what about lamb and i'm like well is what is lamb and lamb feels like right so now i just say i don't eat mammals but that sounds weirder i've never heard anyone say i don't eat mammals it makes sense um so i eat poultry and fish but it happened one day and do you want to know why i stopped absolutely i was watching i was doom scrolling while i was filming doctor who my one episode it took a month and i was doom scrolling one day and saw a video of a pig that someone had as a pet that was exhibiting just as much intelligence as a dog and i was like well that feels like a double standard.

7:26Like why we don't, you know, it's frowned upon eating dog. It's socially, you know, but why not pigs when pigs, like you can form just as much of a relationship with them. And so I brought this thought to my makeup artist at the Bad Wolf Studios, not knowing she was a vegan. And so I'm just kind of pontificating on the intelligence of pigs and then she goes yeah jinx pigs are very smart aren't they they're very smart and cows are basically as smart as a as a horse jinx and and you wouldn't eat them poor horses would you and then i'm like you're right i don't like all these double standards i think i'm going to stop eating pork and beef and then she goes and those baby lads and i went are you a vegan and she goes yes I was very young and I was like well okay so lamb too you know what just all the all of that I think I'm gonna stop eating it and that's when I stopped eating it and then she goes chickens are quite sweet jinx and I go let's I just gave up a lot of food at once you leave with half your makeup done you're like I gotta get out of here before chickens are off the table so that was about I don't know, three or four years ago.

8:53And I've been thinking a lot, like, will I, if this is my last meal, do I say fuck it and eat whatever I want? But I don't know. Principles are nothing if you throw them away. Totally. And you don't need to think of this as your last meal. Oh, I thought it was the last meal. Well, it can be, but it's your dream meal. So you might want it as your last meal. I was preparing for, like, my escape from death row. I had all these plans to take my death with the meal so that they thought I was dead. We can do it like that. We can do it like that, absolutely. Well, I can pivot. I can pivot. You can pivot.

9:30I think it's probably going to be the same meal. Was it Merlin the pig that you saw on Instagram?

9:37James Acaster: Yeah, was it Dance With Me, Mummy? I don't remember the pig's name. But what the pig was doing was it didn't like the vacuum cleaner in the house like a lot of dogs don't like. And so whenever the person would start vacuuming, the pig would run to the cord and pull it out of the wall. Wow. And I was like, that's some pig. It was a Charlotte's Web moment. I was like, I would never eat that pig. And then when you start pulling that thread, the meat industry is as flawed as anything else. I think things seem to be slightly better here. America's meat industry is...

10:22Like so many things in America.

10:25James Acaster: Well, I'll tell you, one great thing that America has given us is O'Mary. Yes, that's true. That is true. And the people who created it, Cola Scola, Sam Pinkleton, and the whole O'Mary crew. And I've gotten to do it twice on Broadway. and now I'm gonna do it on the West End. Have you seen it? Yes. Fantastic. Who was your mayor? Mason Alexander Park. Incredible mayor. I saw Mason. I've been friends for Mason for years, and nothing has ever made me so attracted to Mason as seeing them perform. Mary, I was like hot for Mason afterward. It was like an artist crush though. It's not like I now want to jump Mason.

11:07but it was more so like I can't wait until the stars align and we're on stage together or on screen together because I got horny as an actress if that makes sense yeah sure do you get horny as a comedian when you see really good comedy yeah yeah yeah comedy crush not to limit what what could turn you on yeah I'm turned on by other arts thank you very much I can't limit myself to just comedy What is the sexiest art form? Good question It's not clowning I can tell you what it's not I've seen some really hot clowns There are some sexy clowns James says pornography Pornography Could be Is that art though?

11:58Big question Well there's scripts and they learn the lines That's true

12:04James Acaster: Jesus Jesus. Can I tell an adult actor that they're not? Come on, Chalamet. You want to? Oh, yeah, sorry. I've just ruined my Oscar chances. Yeah, there you go. The pornography industry is going to be up in arms. There goes your AV right there. Do all the Marys know each other? More or less. I mean, well, it's like this. I've met a lot of the other Marys. I've seen a lot of the other Marys. I haven't seen Catherine Tate yet. she will have finished by the time this is airing. But it's like this. I think of it as like the Mary verse where to play that role, you have to get into such a specific head, mind state, head state.

12:54And the show moves like a freight train without brakes. And it just puts you in this weird mental space. and then when you look into the eyes of another mary it's like you've been there you've seen it and i have seen so many marys at this point and none of them have performed it quite the same as like no two marys are the same but if they have found the secret which is just playing the truth of the situation and playing it like a shakespeare then it works it's a really really really well written play. I think the fact that the casting has been so diverse is a testament to how well written it is because when it's structurally sound, you can move the pieces around and it still can really work as long as everyone agrees on what they're doing there that day.

13:51We can't wait to see you in it. Me too. I mean, that's the exciting thing about it. And they've worked out a way of doing this that every time they replace the lead, I'm like, I'm going to go again now. They're really smart about who they cast. And knowing a lot of the team members, I just, I know how much they care about this. And it's such a testament to when something starts small and remains authentic, even as it grows, it stays the thing it always was, even if more money gets involved.

14:31James Acaster: still or sparkling water is what we always start with still i gotta say i like i i like carbonated drinks but my water should be still are you anti anti the sparkling water if if someone brought you just give me a goddamn coca-cola you know what i mean like why am i torturing myself with something that almost has a flavor so just remind you of like nice like soft drinks that you like i tried i tried the flavored sparkling water during the pandemic our house we all did right and i and i tried to get into it and then eventually i was just like yeah it reminded me of soda i actually liked yeah so the flavored sparkling water is still i've i've tried so many times i'm like that'll be refreshing it looks so refreshing and then it's just it's such a whisper of flavor and then you feel more thirsty afterward and someone once told me the thing that got me fully done drinking them is someone said do you drink those because you think they're better for you than soda and i was like well they have to be right they just have to be and he said let me ask you what do you think essence is and i was like what do you mean and he goes they just say fruit essence on there.

15:51Where do you think they're getting the essence? Where are they extracting the essence from? Explain to me where essence comes from. And I was like, I don't think they've really explained that. Where is the essence coming from? How do they get it? How are they harassing these fruits to get just the slightest amount of? It's a really dark thing to say as well, the essence of an apple. Was this another make-up artist? It's very vampiric, and I just dropped cold there. They somehow capture what it is to be an apple, and they put it in the water. Yeah, capture its essence. Yeah, it sounds like dark magic.

16:35James Acaster: You can't trust that anymore. You've got to go straight for a Coca-Cola. Well, now I do like a calorie-free soda. Diet Dr. Pepper is my favorite. I don't drink anymore. But so since it's not my last meal, I won't be having vodka martinis like I planned. I thought it was like right before I was going to die. So I was like, I'm going out drunk one last time. But I haven't drank in seven years. So and I really don't miss it. But I do think like if I know I'm going out, I'm going to get drunk one last time. Yeah. I don't want to be conscious for that Yeah If you want We can like have it that it's your last meal No no I've got too much to do Let's keep going What do you think about the amount of O's On Dr Pepper Zero On the can Oh good point It says zero Like that I haven't seen that Is that a British thing?

17:41James Acaster: I just think Dr Pepper is crazy enough Is there an ad that sings it like you did? Yeah, yeah, there should be. I've never seen a TV ad for Dr. Pepper in the last, like, ten years. No, it used to be, Dr. Pepper, some misunderstood. Yeah. That was the OG tagline that I remember. And then it was, what's the worst that could happen? Yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah, for a while, it was, Dr. Pepper, what's the worst that could happen? And someone would be like, oh, I might get Dr. Pepper. I'm not sure. What's the worst that could happen? And they would get it, and it would, like, come out the vending machine, and then it would like roll out and then like trip someone up and then fall over and die.

18:16James Acaster: And then like... It wouldn't die. But was it refreshing? Did he still drink it and go... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like trembling, all his bones are broken. Yeah. I like Dr. Pepper because it's less popular. Right. I'm a contrarian. But the thing is, I only drink one soda with dinner a day and that's about it. I've gotten on the prebiotic sodas that actually have flavor, and they're fewer calories. What's a prebiotic soda? It's the word they put on it to make you feel better about drinking it. And this will start, we'll only get prebiotic sodas in the UK in 10 years' time. So we're like 10 years behind everything.

18:59I bet they get it from the same essence factory.

19:04James Acaster: By the time we get it here, someone will have already talked you about drinking them. What do you think prebiotic even means? Prebiotics are very intelligent, you know. I feel like now that we're talking about it, I feel like they're probably just mixing brine shrimp into it. Something like sea monkeys. There's always sea monkeys in the end. Would you drink a drink with sea monkeys in it if it was really delicious? I mean, I eat shrimp. I guess sea monkeys aren't mammals. Even though they're called monkeys. No. They're little shrimp. Yeah, that was shrimp. Pop-a-dubs or bread? Pop-a-dubs or bread, Jigsmon soon?

19:43James Acaster: Pop-a-dubs or bread? Bread. Yeah, bread. I thought a lot about this. Yeah. I would want the brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory. Have you ever been to America? I've been to the Cheesecake Factory. I've been to the San Francisco one and one in LA. I've never been to the Cheesecake Factory. I've watched a lot of videos about the Cheesecake Factory. I don't, there's no reason to go unless you just want to experience it. But when I was a broke college student and they had like lunch specials where you could get an appetizer and a lunch salad and bottomless bread for a certain amount of money, it was like our bougie treat to ourselves.

20:20And when I won drag race the first time, I took my roommates to the Cheesecake Factory and I said, no spending limit. Love that. Get whatever you want, because we were always so used to, you know, budgeting our meals and stuff at the fucking Cheesecake Factory. But the brown bread there, it's just like wheat brown bread with oats on top. And it just tastes better than every other bread. It's probably not even bread. It's probably cake. It's cheesecake. It's cheesecake, yeah. But it's very good with some, you know, room temperature butter. it can't be I just love when I watch the videos about cheesecake batterie the menu's so big yeah like there's so much food before you even get to the cheesecake it's like and then they have my favourite the skinny-licious menu first of all anytime someone adds licious to something I'm like already like wary of whatever's going to happen it's such a gross thing to add to anything licious I like it booty-licious The Skinnylicious menu is basically just regular portion sizes instead of Cheesecake Factory portion sizes.

21:36And so it's a lot of the same menu items, just like prepared for one human. When you win Drag Race, is it true that they film everyone winning and then you only find out when it goes out? Yes, that only started being true the year before I won the first time. because I think there had been a leak. And so then they started doing the three endings. And to this day, when I won the second time, I still, they filmed both endings and we didn't know until the day everyone else knew. So it actually aired.

22:15James Acaster: Did you have to watch it on TV to know if you'd won? Yeah, and I was in Australia at the time. So it was airing in America and I was going to have to wait like 15 hours to know. or like have it spoiled on the internet. So I just, as soon as it was available, I had an alarm set. I had a friend show me the ending on FaceTime so I could just watch it myself, have my own reaction to it. And then I like got on my phone and everything was there. And it was, you know, it was a crazy time. I was on tour in Australia and then I won Drag Race for a second time in America. And I encapsulated it all by replicating...

23:05We did it, Jill. That was how I celebrated it. I replicated the Kamala phone call. It must be weird having to celebrate knowing that then the person next to you is going to celebrate and you're like acting, winning it. Not having it. I mean, I guess it is a genuine reaction. Well, we've all just kind of gotten used to it. And that season was all winners. The second time was all winners. So we all knew what we had signed up for. And it was a very, like, as far as reality TV goes, that was one of the best, you know, possible, all the circumstances were great, you know? Like, they really did do everything they could to treat it like an all-winner season.

23:53and the fact that none of us got eliminated and we all got the same amount of episodes. It's like putting out the best demo reel you possibly can.

24:03James Acaster: When you're filming, you're winning it. Are you thinking like, well, I better do it. Maybe this is also going to be taken into account. If I don't do a good celebration here, maybe I don't win the series. Yeah, well, luckily, I can spin a yarn out of nothing. like I what did I end up saying I said a lot of stuff and then I ended it with and I claimed this prize and I claimed this victory in the name of Hecate queen of witches and I thought that's at least a good soundbite to go out yeah it's a definitive sentence but that's what came to me in the moment but when you live true to yourself you always like everything's always floating up

24:52James Acaster: So your dream starter, your menu proper now. Is this going to be from Cheesecake Factory as well? No, this is going to be from Zadel. My favourite restaurant in London. Very nice. I feel like it's a time capsule restaurant. Every time I go in there, I feel like Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest, like sitting down. And they even have steak tartare, so I can recreate the scene. But I just really like French food, and they do it pretty right. And they have a carrot salad, and it's just like julienned carrots or shaved carrots in a dressing with some parsley on top. And I can't get enough of it. And I've tried to replicate it at home, and I can't get it to taste quite right.

25:43and I can't get the carrots thin enough. I don't know what they're using back there to shave these carrots down, but it's so good.

25:53James Acaster: I've been to Zadell. I haven't had this carrot salad. Go back and get it. It's like it's a bullseye on the menu. And then I'd also want coconut shrimp. I just don't care how tacky it is. I really love coconut shrimp, especially when they do it with real coconut, you know, with the sweet chili sauce. I don't think I've had coconut shrimp. I don't think I've had coconut shrimp. It's less of a thing here, I think. So it doesn't sound, it certainly doesn't sound sounds quite exotic. It sounds quite exotic. You can get it at Thai restaurants here. Okay, yeah. So is it like deep fried shrimp? Yeah, so it's shrimp dipped in batter and then, and the batter has coconut shavings in it.

26:32Okay, nice. And then you deep fry the shrimp and it's usually served with sweet chili sauce and it's very good. I think we can let you have both of those things because one of them's a little sort of fresh salad. Yeah. and then you've got the coconut shrimp. And then a fried something. Because, well, again, I thought this was going to be my last meal. Again, we don't mind if it's your last meal. But the salad is enough on its own. That salad, a little of that Cheesecake Factory bread. You're having the shrimp and we're bringing you all the... It's unlimited Cheesecake Factory bread.

27:03James Acaster: It's bottomless. So Del is one of my favorite restaurants to sit in. It's amazing. That room is so great. I've had, I think, all my favorite meals with all my favorite people there. Who are your favorite people? Don't make me list them. Top three. James likes it when people list their friends. Top three favorite people. Well, my top three favorite people aren't even necessarily close friends. Like one of my favorite people alive right now is Alana Ubok. And I've just messaged her a couple of times on Instagram and she's very sweet. But I think she's one of my favorite people alive. Katherine Hahn, her and I have never met, but she's one of my favorite people.

27:45Sure. And then one of my favorite, my favorite person that I've met is Corbin Blue. He is, he and his wife Sasha, I always say are two of the best humans I know. So anyway, there you go.

27:57James Acaster: So I know Katherine Hahn out of those three. I don't know who those other two people are. You know her personally? No, no, no. Text her and tell her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm also like you, I'm just a fan of Katherine Hahn. Yes. But I've never heard of those other two people. A lot of Yubok you have undoubtedly seen in something because she has been in just kind of a little bit of everything. And she is such a transformative actor that you never realize it's her. And she was in Meet the Fockers as the nanny with the boobs. And she was in Sister Act as one of the teens. and she was in Clueless as one of the best friends.

28:40Okay. And she's in so much. And then she's also a recurring crack-addicted sex worker on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Oh, okay. And she has this great line where she goes, man, this jacket's tighter than dick skin. I do remember that.

29:03James Acaster: I do remember that line. That's a lot of you lot. Fantastic. So for this dream meal, Alana Eubach can be there. Yeah, she has to be there. Yeah, let's have those three. Corbin's a gentleman. He'll pull the seat out for all three of us. Who's Corbin? Corbin Blue is most popularly known from the high school musical franchise. He had big curly hair at the time. And then he has a cult following from a film he was in called Jump In about jump roping. And, but he's also a musical theater actor and he's been killing it in the Great Gatsby on the West End recently. Nice. But we met during Little Shop of Horrors together.

29:52He was my Seymour. See, this feels like a bit of a sort of West End post-show dinner already. Yeah, yeah. We're probably having it at the Groucho. Why not?

30:06You can pick one of the worst places in London, that's fine. Hey, but you have to know people to get it.

30:14James Acaster: Real good people as well. I've only been to the Groucho once, and what made me laugh out loud is they have signs outside the toilet saying don't do drugs in the toilets. The most pointless sign in the history of the world. I've been to the Groucho a handful of times, always had a lovely time, But the first time I ever went, there were just like there was a celebrity on every floor. Everyone from their West End shows was there. And everyone I was with was like, do you want to go meet this person? Do you want to go try to meet this person? I was like, they're here chilling out. Right. The only person I want to walk up and introduce myself to is Noel Fielding.

30:50So if you see him, just let me know. And I was like, I was adamant. Right. Yeah. Then I'm out on the smoking patio because I smoked at the time probably. I don't know what I was doing there. I must have been smoking.

31:07Someone taps on my shoulder and asks for a lighter, and I turn, and it's no fielding. And we've been pals. I'm real good pals with his partner, Birdie. Yeah, she's good. I haven't met the kids, but we've been pals for a while. I went to his parents' anniversary. Oh, that's so nice. And his brother Mike. I think back in the day, anyway, if you went to the Groucho and said Noel's name three times in the mirror, he would appear. We had a funny night that night. We didn't stay there. We went roaming around. Fantastic.

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33:06James Acaster: Your dream main course, Jinx. Yeah. I'm going to keep the answer I prepared. It's a full lobster and a full crab. Fantastic. I feel kind of weird about that. Why? Because they're hanging out. They might be friends. Yeah, but then it's nice. They die together. I was thinking... Do you want them holding claws with each other? I was thinking of something more complex to make or something more like... But I really just enjoy... For someone who loves animals, I do enjoy rituals. And there's something about the care and the effort at which you have to eat the lobster and the crab. and there's a I don't know but it's also kind of barbaric because you're ripping them apart I know what you mean the sort of effort you'd put into getting just a tiny bit of meat out of a tiny bit of claw

34:04James Acaster: we're calling the emergency services no you said that

34:10well now you know my serious voice

34:18Does your Siri have a South Asian accent? Yes I enjoy that dialogue a lot Absolutely, that's fine And I enjoy her talking to me I have a very polite relationship with my Siri One of my best friends pointed out that I don't say please a lot So I started practicing saying please with Siri and now I say please more in my in my day to day and so I always say please and thank you with Siri and she always says you're welcome and it's a very it's a very polite relationship changing the dialogue can change everything because I hate that white bitch

34:59sorry not where that came but you know she's in everything so it's like yeah it's like she gets enough air time that series yeah yeah and she knows it as well she really actually knows yeah this was not against the actual voice actress i know no no i think we met her in an expose the voice of series she seems like a normal lady yeah she's a lady yeah she's a normal lady yeah yeah overexposure is a thing yeah um so i want the i want the lobster and the crab i would settle for just like the claws and the tail like i don't need the whole body i'm not one of those people who sucks out the entrails or something sure i just want the normal parts yeah what would you prefer lobster or crab i couldn't make up my mind so that's why i need both but the thing is is i like crab cold and i like lobster hot how do you want the lobster cooked just steamed lobster yeah just classic steam lobby and you know drawn butter and then as an accompaniment i want a pile of tobiko caviar black tobiko caviar just to spoon into my mouth between bites as a palate cleanser now tobiko caviar is it's just the caviar they dust sushi or yeah in nigiri and i like caviar but I don't like a lot of the most expensive caviar.

36:30I actually just like... There's caviar that I get at a grocery store, and it's black lumpfish caviar. And it's not very good. But it is such a strong caviar flavor that I take a tiny spoonful sometimes in the middle of the night when I'm having salt cravings. That doesn't happen to you?

36:55James Acaster: I'll get up in the middle of the night and have a little tiny spoonful of caviar.

37:01Anyway, so I'd like a big pile of tobiko to just kind of like eat with the... If I'm going to get it from the sea, let's keep a theme going. And you can save some of the caviar in case you have any of your night cravings. Exactly, that's what I'll go home with me after. I like the... My favourite is the stuff you get in Japanese restaurants, the really big guys, the orange guys. Oh, the salmon roe. The ikura, yeah. Those are my favorite. The ones that really pop. The boba. I like the tiny ones that really pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because a lot of the expensive caviar, it's like smooth and it doesn't really pop.

37:39It's creamy, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And I'm not. And the first time I ever had caviar, it was really expensive caviar, but it had the pop and it was black. And I don't know what fish it came from. And I only ate it because my friend had asked me to get mustard or something. And because I have ADHD, I grabbed the first jar I saw and opened it and went, what's this? And he goes, did you just open that? And I said, yes. And he goes, well, now we have to eat it. And I was like, what did I do? And he goes, let's not talk about it. But I have like three days to now eat that caviar. And so I had my first ever caviar, like 2am with my friend.

38:22I was dating a mortician at the time. He told me all about my pronounced globial mastoids on my skull. And I said, is that how you're going to identify me one day? Anyway, enough pillow talk. So romantic, James. So I don't know what that caviar was. It was very expensive, but I don't know from what fish it came. So lately I've just been eating the cheap stuff and calling it enough. I think that's great. Calling it enough. I love the idea of going between the lobster and the crab and then using something that is fishier as a palate cleanser. Yeah. If anything, you're absolutely fishing up the palate.

39:01Yeah. I mean, I go big or go home. Respect.

39:04James Acaster: The lobster and the crab become the palate cleansers between the caviar at that point. Eat the bites again. Yeah. It's just a sampling of the sea. And also, I was raised poor, and what we did whenever we went out to restaurants, it was a family favorite to go to buffets. Every time we celebrated something, it was at a buffet. And the joke was always made, eat a lot because this is dinner for the next few days, you know. And I've always loved having options. And lots of times I like to order too much food with friends so that we can at least all try everything, you know. I like a little bite of everything.

39:52So I guess that's behind my fish mentality.

39:56James Acaster: Yeah. If this was your last meal, would you want your ex to be the mortician? This was a part of the answer. I was going to say, if it was my last meal, call him up, get the caviar. He'll know which caviar I'm talking about and have him deliver it. Then what they didn't know is me and the mortician will have planned that he will have dosed the caviar with something to make me appear dead. Like, oh, no, she's having an allergic reaction. She's going into anaphylactic shock. She's dead. We can't give her the lethal injection. And then, you know, like, 10 hours later. And then I escaped. So that was part of my plan when I thought this was my last meal.

40:44I know he'd figure it out. If they did it in Romeo and Juliet, we can figure it out. It must have been on those guys, though.

40:53James Acaster: Well, there were two people involved then, and they didn't communicate. Communication is key. That's the main lesson to take from Romeo and Juliet, definitely. Yeah, that's what I think. Romeo and Juliet, communication is key. It really is. If the families had sorted it out, Anyway, there you go, I cracked it. Finally, all Shakespeare's there to be solved. You all can stop performing it now. Is that why they keep doing Shakespeare? Because they haven't cracked it yet. What's this about? What is going on here? People haven't studied it enough. Cops just keep happening.

41:34James Acaster: Your dream side dish, Jinx. Dauphinoise potatoes. The king of potatoes. Truly. Well, the prince. The prince. So sorry. My grandma used to make scalloped potatoes that came from a box. Yeah. Where you just, they were dehydrated potatoes, and there was a powder that you mixed in with some milk and poured it over the potatoes and baked them. And then when I learned there was a fancy version of this, scalloped potatoes were no good to me. Now it has to be dauphinoise. Is that what you julienne your finger on? Yes. I was making dauphin rice potatoes using a mandolin to slice the potatoes thin. You can still see the scar there.

42:22Yeah, I have one on this. Well, no, it's gone. It must have fully healed. I had a little dent in this thumb for a long time because I make ratatouille as my show-off dish. Nice. And one time I was really trying to show off, So I wanted the perfection from the mandolin. But I was running behind on time. And when it happened, I was so stunned that I looked at it. And then when the blood started coming, I was like, no. Not you. No, I cooked too much for this to be happening. And yet it did. and then I was screaming so many expletives that my flatmate at the time, he was like, when I heard the third one, I knew it wasn't normal cooking.

43:16Two or three normal expletives, a normal amount of screaming while cooking, but this was an abnormal amount, and he came running. We bandaged me up. Luckily, no blood got into the vegetables, and I rinsed them anyway. Yeah. I think I got a lot of blood in the Dauphin was. Did you still eat them? We cooked them, but... Well, yeah. Yeah, they were salty. You weren't eating raw, bloody potatoes. I had to go to A &E, so... Oh, no, did you have to get stitches? Yeah, I got eight stitches in my thumb. I didn't need stitches. I just had a little coin missing. Do you think... So your flatmate heard you swearing and then knew it was an accident in the kitchen.

44:00Gordon Ramsay, if he ever cuts himself really badly, no one's ever going to know because he's always effing and jeffing in there. But there are two Gordon Ramseys. There's the American Gordon Ramsay who has based himself off the devil. I mean, that's the theme. He's the devil. And then there's the British Gordon Ramsay and he's a much softer, gentler Gordon Ramsay. Yeah, he is. Is he? Why do you get the nice daddy and we get drunk daddy? I mean, he's still angry. You're his secret other family. We're his first family.

44:39James Acaster: I think it's because he started over here and he wasn't nice. No. And then America was like, great, come over here. If you watch side-by-side episodes of these twin brothers, you have to amp it up for you guys. Yeah, he's really turned it up. I mean, some of those kitchens. Yeah. I don't know why anyone's going to Hell's. Like, they're restaurants, proper restaurants now, Hell's Kitchen, right? People go to Hell's Kitchen. Yeah. But, like, why would you go to that? But isn't that, like, his chain of restaurants? Yeah, it is. But, like, the TV show is, like, loads of chefs fucking up the whole time.

45:16Yeah, but I would imagine the idea... Oh. What is the idea there? That it's all the perfect meals he's salvaged from other people? Out of the bin. He's got it all out the bin. No, I just think it's got a history of people fucking up. I don't want to go to Hell's Kitchen. No. I don't want to go to any of his restaurants.

45:35James Acaster: I think his cooking's awful. No. And I think he's awful man. He's got so many Michelin stars. He's got so many astonishing restaurants. I wouldn't go to any of the chain things, sure, but he's got like... I don't have strong feelings about Gordon Ramsay, but I do know, because my ex is a Brit, that Jamie Oliver took away your turkey twizzlers. This was a huge thing. This is the thing, right? Gordon Ramsay has been openly just a bully and horrible to everyone on his TV show. Oliver once tried to help people by saying, hey, maybe we don't eat these turkey twizzlers anymore. And still to this day it haunts him.

46:16James Acaster: Everyone's like, fuck you, Jamie Oliver, taking our turkey twizzlers away. But everyone still likes Gordon Ramsay for being abusive at all. He told me, my ex told me they had a walkout. Yeah. A bunch of little children. Give us back old turkey twizzlers. Train me all over. I saw it on the news. They were trying to give kids vegetables at school because they weren't getting any vegetables anywhere else. And the parents would turn up and like push pizza through the railings for their kids. Like they were feeding their own kids at a zoo. Yeah. That's just the most British thing that's ever happened.

46:51It's like, if we want to feed our kids shit all day, we will. Yeah. That's really American to me. Shoveing pizza through a fire fence. I mean, I guess we had to learn it from somewhere. All I remember, and I've probably said this on the podcast before and it's been cut out, I remember the TV show where Jamie Oliver was trying to make everyone eat healthier at school. Naked Chef. No, not that one. Misleading title. He was not allowed to be the Naked Chef in the school show. He was very much a clothes chef. They interviewed a kid who was eating so badly that they did a shit out of their mouths. That's all I remember.

47:30There was a kid who did a shit out of their mouth. It's not possible. It is. They did a shit out of their mouth, Jinx. Like, is it? No. That is literally a South Park episode, first of all. Oh, it is. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was also an episode of Jamie's School Dinner. I just, and this was on television? This was on your television

47:52James Acaster: You didn't see the kids do the shit out of their mouth So I'm guessing the kid just said to Jamie Oliver I'll shit out my mouth

48:03Didn't I?

48:04James Acaster: Didn't I?

48:09Dope and was potatoes Oh I already had some salad But I like a lot of vegetables So I would also probably want a beet salad At this point too with some goat cheese, some dried fruit and some nuts. We'll throw that in. We can throw that in for sure. It feels like this, you could get a lot of this in Brasseries Adele, right? It's not just, yeah, yeah. But it's not just me eating, remember? It's me and Catherine and Alana and Corbin. This is a dinner party now. Hey guys, it's Drew Afualo from the comment section. Listen, it's time to stop settling for hair products that just don't work. With all the prestige brands at Sephora, upgrading your routine is easy.

48:54If your hair needs repair, they've got the K18 Leave-In Molecular Repair Hair Mask. If you're trying to level up your wash day, the Kerastase Elixir All-Time Hair Oil leaves your hair looking ridiculously shiny without feeling heavy. And if you're into that glossy, healthy hair vibe, the Gisu Honey Infused Hair Oil is a must-have. Also, Sephora makes it super convenient with free shipping and same-day delivery. Shop hair at Sephora and give your hair the upgrade it's been waiting for. You've got social dialed in. Search is doing its thing. So why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago?

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50:05James Acaster: Your dream drink. now it was going to be loads of martinis. It was going to be Grey Goose martinis with a lemon twist. But now my favorite thing to drink, I really like the alcohol-free Kylie Minogue champagne. Wow. First time that's going to show up. That's exciting. But also you can't like chug that between bites. So then I'd also need a Diet Dr. Pepper on ice. Yes. And I need an American amount of ice, not your idea of what ice is in a drink. I have watched British people take a warm Pepsi Max off a shelf and just start drinking it. That is insane behavior to me. Jamie Oliver took all our ice away.

50:59James Acaster: So we can't have it now. The room temperature soda thing doesn't make any sense to me. But someone told me once it's very European to drink it that way. And I'm like, does that make it taste better in your mind? I don't know. I would always go out of the fridge, I've got to say. But in a pinch, I'd probably have a little warm diet coke. I really like the ice. I think, and I really prefer, I don't like straws. I really prefer, my dream drink is this big. Like a vase? We call them big gulps in America. But I love when I've really been eating.

51:43A huge glass of ice cold soda that I just ask any of my friends. It freaks people out. We can get you a big gulp. Yeah, yeah. We'll get you a big gulp. Wonderful, thank you. I don't like when I'm in America and the ice is like crushed ice. Some people travel distances to go to the drive-thrus that do the crushed ice because they love it that much. I quite like the crushed ice. You like the crushed ice? Yeah. It just melts straight away and then you're drinking a watery soda. I guess you're right. Yeah, I am right. You have to drink it fast. You have to be a chugger like me. I'm a chugger, actually.

52:27James Acaster: Yeah. You said that about me. you don't chug you do this weird thing where it's like just it just you take what looks like a normal sip and then half the drink's gone I don't know how he's doing it I do that too it's because you're used to what getting water on stage when you're gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all over your face I really enjoy your dialect you sound like one of the young ones me sound a bit like Vivian from the young ones I've been compared to him a lot well actually no not Vivian Rick probably yeah I get compared to Rick a lot Vivian was my favourite I mean I love Vivian obviously but yeah Rick I guess your voice is closer to Rick's a bit drop dead Fred yeah drop dead Fred a lot when I in my stand up show at the minute I do my hair up so it's this really messy and spiking and I've been compared to Drop Dead Fred by people at Stage Door.

53:30James Acaster: I watched that again recently. That would have been the imaginary friend I would have wanted as a kid. Yeah, the one who stamps dog shit everywhere. Well, I was a very shy, quiet kid but I had a lot of internal monologues going on and I could have used someone to process that with. Yeah. I held that film in such high regard in my head. and then I watched it again recently and halfway through I was like I shouldn't have watched this again what? it's a great film it's really not it's got a lot it's got a lot that you are like I guess I forgot this part yeah yeah yeah all the fun parts are still fun but there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff that ruins it a little bit has it not aged well?

54:15no I don't think it hasn't it's not like I don't watch it and go ooh that's a bit dodgy but it's just not a quality film remake it We should remake it Well they were going to remake it for a bit What? They were going to remake it Well then what happened? What did you do? No it wasn't me It was supposed to be with Russell Brand What happened? I actually don't think it was even that I think it was long before it just got canned I remember reading they were considering remaking it with Russell Brand Sure And they just realised before he had done horrible things Yeah yeah yeah Or revealed They just realised it was going to be shit anyway Because they watched Arthur Yes I guess a film where Russell Brand sneaks around doing loads of stuff and everyone's pretending they can't see him is not necessarily the ideal situation.

55:05This podcast gets dark. One of my favourite jokes my comedy partner ever wrote for me, it was for a web show a billion years ago, but you have to really know your cinema to get it. But he wrote a joke that said, you're becoming a real alcoholic and not a fun alcoholic like in the movie Arthur, but a sad, depressing alcoholic like the remake of Arthur.

55:37Anyway, if you liked that. Phoebe Cates is still beautiful though. Yeah. Respect. Shout out. She's such an icon for that film, but also for Gremlins. Gremlins holds up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't say shit about gremlins. And an icon for just being like, I'm done now. Yeah. I like people who know themselves. Yeah. Who, oh, oh, oh, now Rick Mayall is the only name I can hear. Oh, my gosh. He was the comedian, the comedy actor. He played Seymour in the movie. Rick Moranis, who also decided he was just done. He went out, yeah. I have a friend who we went to middle school and then high school together.

56:22He said he wanted to be a Broadway actor and a lawyer. And he was a Broadway actor. And then he said one day, I think I'm done with this. And then he went to law school. Amazing. And I have the utmost respect for people who are just like, no, when I have known my entire life, there's only one thing for me. And I haven't even considered anything else. The thought of like one day just being done and pivoting terrifies me because I have no other marketable skills. I can't wait. I can't do simple math.

56:55James Acaster: James can't wait. I would never survive. I cannot fucking wait. You can't wait to get out? Can't wait. Yeah. What are you going to do next? Lawyer, isn't it? You're going to go to law school. Yeah. Yeah, Chunk from the Goonies is a lawyer. Doesn't that mean you have to wear one of the wigs here if you become a barrister? Good point. I think I'd suit that wig. I think you would too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so yeah, maybe. Or maybe I'll just get the wig. Not even go, because law school takes ages. So if I just get one of those wigs and just hang out. Dress for the job you want. Yeah, exactly. Keep doing this and just wear the wig during the records.

57:28James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. And I'll explain to all the other guests. He's a judge. He's considering becoming a barrister, but he couldn't be able to do it, so he just wears the wig. Yeah, so he's a genie, but he's also a barrister. Now you have to factor both of those things in. I just love British dialect. I worked with an actor named Fred Double in End of the Rainbow. And he has such a clear, articulate speaking voice and also a very thick accent from wherever he's from. and he will just say sentences that shouldn't be funny, but they're funny when he says it. Like someone was talking about a scene from one of the Wicked movies and he goes, is that from Wicked 1 or Wicked 2?

58:16And I just thought that was, like even British people find it funny. Yeah, that is funny. And then someone was talking about the musical 6. Is that the one with Anne Bowling? That's why we laugh at your voices. but Wicked 1 or Wicked 2 is funny Wicked 1 or Wicked 2 yeah yeah especially it is funny I never saw 6 but I'm planning on seeing 7 you didn't say that that's me riffing

58:46James Acaster: I love when adults call the first film Wicked 1 but as a kid that's acceptable to say Home Alone 1 and Home Alone 2 but when you're an adult to say Wicked 1 and Wicked 2 It was like, come on. Don't retroactively call it one. Don't call it wicked one. It's not called wicked one. You know it's not. Your dream dessert. We arrive at your dream dessert, Jinx. Yeah. Are we back at the Cheesecake Factory? No. Oh. Last time I went to the Cheesecake Factory, my friend, Mike Eagle, the rapper, took me to the Cheesecake Factory. Pretty cool guy. We ate our food and I said, let's get cheesecake. He went, nah.

59:28James Acaster: I was like, what? at Cheesecake Factory. And he was like, no, I just wanted to come for like the savory food. I couldn't believe my ears. And you've just done the same thing. Well, I had gone to the Cheesecake Factory so many times and never eaten the cheesecake because I'm always too full from the meal. Because of their portions. But one time I was on a date and he, for our date, it was like we were just having dessert at my place. and sitting and talking and other things happened. But anyway, for the dessert, he brought four slices of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. And that was the first time I ever had cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

1:00:13And it turns out it's good cheesecake. That's the factory where they make it.

1:00:18James Acaster: It's like the main thing they do. I'd pineapple upside down cheesecake. Oh, no. Well, it's what the waiter recommended. I said, what would you recommend to the waiter? This guy's an idiot. There was so much stuff. There's so many cheesecakes, I couldn't decide. I said, what would you recommend? You said the pineapple upside down cake cheesecake. Yeah, but you're saying cake twice in that. It doesn't scan for me. The birthday cake cheesecake cake. Yeah. The more cakes, the better, in my opinion. My dream dessert, I think I kept falling short on this one because, oh God, I think...

1:00:54I'm trying to think of what I actually really really like and I think I'm gonna be really annoying and say it's sticky toffee pudding with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce it is the perfect dessert that's not annoying at all it's obviously a popular dessert choice but James I felt James inhale then when he said it would be really annoying because he was worried that you were either going to skip or pick a cheese board yeah i thought a cheese board i only do that if i'm flying and they offer dessert and i do that just to keep up appearances you don't want anyone on a flight to know you're having dessert normal day any old meal i'm gonna go for whatever lemon flavored dessert is on and if i get dessert at all but i rarely get dessert but when i'm at home and i eat dinner dinner's not complete until i then eat some kind of ice cream or like two bowls of cereal and i think it's because i'm a former alcoholic my body still craves that like excess sugar at the end of the day yeah and i can't get sleepy sometimes until I have like a big fistful of candy before bed.

1:02:14It's not good. It's great. I can't imagine. Yeah. What's your go-to ice cream when you're at home? And go-to cereal, please. My go-to cereal here has been honey nut cornflakes. Yes. Respect. With oat milk. And then back in the States, I usually go for nostalgic cereal. so apple jacks or golden grams but i also like special k with red berries but your special k here is a different formula so i've moved on to honey nut understood and we're sorry about that

1:02:56James Acaster: we can only apologize i don't know what you're doing yeah we talked about recently on here we talked about um the kind of this oak crunch cereal that i kind of found at trader joe's they used to do it when I was growing up these little pockets of like these little oat pillows yeah yeah yeah and I really liked them and then I couldn't find them for a while no no that's Crave that's Crave okay wind it in these are sorry sorry that was too much yeah it was you're being mean to me sorry I'm being mean to Ed but it is Crave it is Crave you want to tell him to wind it in yeah yeah tell him to wind it in if you want to but we talked about it on the podcast these little oat pillows and then a man called Michael got in touch with me who's a man who has got his head in his hands now he used to deal me iPods he used to get me iPods Deal you?

1:03:46When they stopped making them He went to Ireland How many did you need?

1:03:50James Acaster: Oh every now and again they're breaking Michael would always have a new one and he would always come and give me an iPod and he contacted me after we talked about the Oat Crunch cereal because he said that he used to love that growing up and then he found a place that Waitrose basically started doing them again and he'd go and buy them five boxes at a time. But now Waitrose has stopped doing them. So he had to phone the Waitrose helpline to complain that they'd stopped doing the cereal. And the man just had to explain to him that that was just that and they can't do anything about it. They're not going to bring them back anymore.

1:04:20Well, luckily Michael just buys things that are about to stop being made and just deals them to people. Oh my gosh. My mom always, she has a conspiracy theory that as soon as she likes something it gets discontinued. And I refuse to let that become my story, but it keeps happening. but I will say did you read something getting into the work

1:04:39James Acaster: of Russell Brand hey no he's released a book oh yeah not discontinued yet Russell keep going man I just keep thinking about that that fucking bible yeah amazing amazing stuff it's like truly like how long are we going to let this happen like and does he have a plan yeah it doesn't look like it He never got anywhere with it. And I really wanted to see like where he was going to land. But it was so clear he never was going to land anywhere. Yeah. But it was like, I can't believe the things we're seeing people do openly right now. The standards are so low thanks to people with a lot of airtime who really don't deserve it.

1:05:35And now it's just like, didn't we used to have some decorum? Didn't we used to at least, it's like, why are we still playing by the rules of the facade if they don't have to?

1:05:49James Acaster: Yes. Like they're not keeping the facade up anymore. So how can you expect, like people, guilty criminals can't even fake being good people convincingly on television. What hope for the rest of us? You know? You're doing a show where all of you have to fake an acceptance speech at the end off the top of your head and just come up with it. And you all nail it. And then you see who wins when it goes out. He can't even recite from a book where it's already written in there. All he's got to do is choose a page. Choose any page will give you something to work with. It's like I know people who do like cold readings from the Bible to just like get an answer on something.

1:06:33I don't know these people I know they exist anyway the point is that's insane pageantry my dream dessert what did I say stick toffee pudding

1:06:47James Acaster: but your mum is always getting to stuff that's just about to be discontinued is what you were saying and I interrupted with the Russell Brand so the solution to your problem is in America there is a company their whole thing is oats they're called quaker oats yes and they do oatmeal they do oatmeal based products and they have cereal that is the cereal you are looking for well quaker brand oat squares this is marco's problem maybe maybe quaker in america are doing them because quaker and we have well what happened to your oat dependency here yeah it's gone bad well the thing is we have quaker but we also have Scots Oats which is very popular because he's a big lad with a kilt doing shot put on the front of the box well then you need to talk to him about making a cereal maybe this is what you pivot to Oats now I wonder is ergot still a problem

1:07:49James Acaster: that's when you win what's it the Emmy

1:07:55James Acaster: I don't need your menu back now Jinx see how you feel about it. It's in there? Yeah, I've read it down. You would like still water. You would like brown bread with room temperature butter from the Cheesecake Factory. You would like a carrot salad from Zadel with coconut shrimp. You would like a full lobster steamed and a full crab cold and a pile of caviar to have in between. I can't say the word. Tobiko. Side dish, David Walsh potatoes and a beet salad with goat's cheese and nuts. drink alcohol-free Kylie Minogue champagne, which we didn't speak about enough. We didn't talk enough about the alcohol-free Kylie champagne.

1:08:32James Acaster: You'd also like a big gulp of Diet Dr. Pepper with an American amount of ice, and dessert, a sticky toffee pudding with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and caramel sauce, which we also didn't talk much about the fact there's caramel sauce on the sticky toffee pudding there. Instead of custard? Well, custard, people get it wrong so often, I don't trust it. If it's too thick, it's like, why are you putting eggs on my... and if it's too thin it's like why'd you why'd you do that like ice cream's gonna do that yeah that's true that's why I'd always prefer ice cream melting and then you've got you've basically got custard and ice cream and then the caramel sauce to marry the two yeah yes perfect that's a delicious menu do you feel good about that here in your meal back yeah yeah yeah and I know what I can do with the leftovers lobster rolls the next day yeah Yeah, nice.

1:09:24Crab salad. Delicious. That's why it's good that it's not your last meal then. Because you're going to have leftovers. Yeah, yeah. But it was never going to be my last meal because of my plan with the mortician. Of course, sorry. When we were dating, we were making out once and he was rubbing the back of my head. And I said, are you studying my skull? And he said, a little bit, yes. And I said, what did you find out? and he told me you have some of the most pronounced globial mastoids I've ever felt now if that doesn't get a girl going yeah yeah and for all the single dudes out there if you want a girl with pronounced globial mastoids she's right here yeah go and see I'm married wait by the stage door do you use the global mastoids in the O'Meary performance well something's got to hold the wig on yeah

1:10:32amazing

1:10:32James Acaster: thank you so much to Jinx for coming on the pod thank you Jinx what a lovely menu great stories great yarn great accents yes as well and you didn't say gin what more could we have asked for yeah thank you Jinx for not saying gin Yeah, we appreciate that. So everyone should go and see O'Mary. Yes. 17th of August to the 26th of September. Do go and see O'Mary. Me and James will be there as well. O'Maryplay.co.uk for tickets to see Jinx. Yeah, and you know, in the meantime, just everyone take care of yourselves. Yeah. Be cool. Eat food. Yeah. Drink, drink. And love, love. Ed Gamble from Cody UK.

1:11:28Hey guys, it's Drew Afualo from the comment section. Listen, it's time to stop settling for hair products that just don't work. With all the prestige brands at Sephora, upgrading your routine is easy. If your hair needs repair, they've got the K18 Leave-In Molecular Repair Hair Mask. If you're trying to level up your wash day, the Kerastase Elixir All-Time Hair Oil leaves your hair looking ridiculously shiny without feeling heavy. And if you're into that glossy, healthy hair vibe, the Gisu Honey-Infused Hair Oil is a must-have. Also, Sephora makes it super convenient with free shipping and same-day delivery.

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1:13:15Thank you.

1:13:48Thank you.