Jonny Pelham

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0:36That's A-E-R-I-E dot com.

0:55Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, crushing the biscuits of conversation. adding the butter of friendship putting it all in a nice circle and topping with the cream cheese and sugar of humour like a sort of no-bake cheesecake so you just think about it and then you carry on with the podcast and I know I've done a bad job then the thing is we're recording this intro straight after doing another one

1:18James Acaster: that's it Gamble my name is James Acaster together we own a dream restaurant I love cheesecake and every single week we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Johnny Pelham Johnny Pelham an absolutely brilliant stand-up James one of the funniest stand-ups working today I absolutely love Pelham hilarious if people haven't seen Johnny Pelham get to one of his gigs ASAP a true natural such a natural so funny like one of those comics who is just like very effortless on stage but still uniquely himself yes more people need to be watching Johnny Pelham and laughing their goddamn heads off absolutely but he may be natural He may be effortless.

2:00Yes. He may be funny. Yes. But if he says an ingredient that we have pre-agreed upon, he will be kicked out of the dream restaurant. Sorry, Johnny. Sorry, Johnny.

2:08James Acaster: And this week, the secret ingredient is Johnny Cakes. Johnny Cakes. His name's Johnny. Johnny Cakes have been mentioned on the podcast before. A sort of flatbread, batter-y bread with cornmeal used a lot in Caribbean cooking. Yeah. They sound delicious. They do sound delicious, but his name's Johnny. Their name's Johnny. Johnny Cakes. You have to make the link somehow. Yes. So if he does say Johnny Cates, well, you suggested Pell Ham until we realized that Pell Ham isn't a thing. Yeah, I said, I said it should be Pell Ham and Benito just, just like, yeah, oh, shut up. Benito just doesn't answer us now if he thinks it's a stupid idea.

2:46James Acaster: Yeah. Earlier today, we were talking about making sake the secret ingredient and Benito said, I like sake and I went, I like sake too and he looked at me, I went, I'm being sake, sarcastic. He went, oh I thought you were being annoying yes is what he said to me so that's where our working relationship is now yeah he just says to me oh I thought you were being annoying and then we carry on with the day so Pelham I guess I was being a bit of both when I said that it was quite soon after the Saki joke I died a death so I threw Pelham out there yeah didn't even look at you didn't even look at me just got on with it pressing the cord button Right, we should just get on with this though Because I can't wait to speak to Johnny about his dream menu This is the off-menu menu of Johnny Pelham

3:42Welcome Johnny to the dream restaurant Woohoo Welcome Johnny Pelham to the dream restaurant I've been expecting you for some time That was very dramatic James Yeah, you liked it? I loved it How do you, do you prepare? do you like do some are you like Daniel Day-Lewis getting into the genie yeah

3:58James Acaster: or in my head when we're starting I'm like okay here we go and now that we've done so many episodes I am like sometimes people anticipate it so Ed will say welcome and they just go and they nod because they know who's going to imagine that thing and then that's when so I'm often I'm waiting for that I'm going like right are they going to respond or not and if they do I've got to get in fast yeah well being a genie is a lot of work it's not an easy well no one appreciates it It's a lot of work when you're at the lamp. I think there's a lot of downtime when you're a genie. Wrong. Wrong. That's true.

4:29Wrong? Loads of stuff. Here we go. Here comes King of Improv. What?

4:34James Acaster: What? The pressure now. That's not what improv groups do. Yeah, that wasn't yet. No, no, no. That was gone, eh? Yeah. An improv group doesn't run on stage. He'd already cut me off. And when one of them starts, here he is, King of Improv. Go on, mate. Show them how funny you are. You've also, in improv groups, someone says there's a lot of downtime when you're a genie. The person playing the genie doesn't go, incorrect. that was my point there were many flaws in what happened I wasn't just saying I wasn't just waiting for you to say something and go here he comes king of improv that would be harsh I thought that's what you were doing no I was making a point that you no butted me yeah I did no butt him I guess but I thought like it would be I put more doors to say I do stuff in the lamp totally correct rather than I don't do anything in the lamp your instincts were correct and that is why you're the king of improv now please tell us what the genie does in the lamp just kick around not much stuff on when I'm in the lamp a little downtime yeah yeah yeah it's quite a boring life I guess yeah it's very boring it's like you're like an animal that hibernates I am but you're awake for it imagine that oh god so like you're hibernating but you're fully awake that's very bleak actually it's like you're in solitude confinement that's awful that's my new nightmare is being a tortoise who can't sleep I don't think that's quite what was said yeah hibernating but not being asleep yeah that could be a film yeah yeah yeah quite a bleak Disney just about yeah yeah but you know I'd watch it I think oh man I saw a great documentary on Disney Plus the other day called Billy and Molly about this old guy in Scotland in the Shetlands who befriends an otter I got so invested in so up your street my girlfriend was watching it I just went down for lunch caught a bit of it instantly hooked instantly invested had to watch the whole thing I was crying what happens in it?

6:21James Acaster: he doesn't doesn't quite get into detail but he's had a rough time of it he's moved back to the shetlands he's not doing great the otter no billy the man and is it a cartoon or like it's a real man it's a real documentary about a real life man yeah because he said disney i think johnny was yeah it's on disney plus and uh i think what was it geographic made it national national geographic and uh oh you're asking me him and his wife and their dog moved back to the shetlands and then uh this So I just find him at the perfect time. Perfect time in his life. They think the mum maybe got hit by a car.

6:55James Acaster: So it's this orphan little otter now. Just turns up on their doorstep. How were they filming it? When did they think we're going to need to film this relationship? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking at what point did you start making a documentary? I wouldn't say hit by a car. What? I'd say if you're an otter, you can't be hit by a car. What would you say? Well, I think you need to be taller than a car to be hit by it. Run over. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know. You could have. Could have been looking. at that moment on its legs could have had a run up and like jumped was trying to dive across the road like free willy he got absolutely fucking slammed you don't know then it's hit by a car yeah then it's hit by a car that was the thing that gave the man depression he just saw the most brutal otter murder yeah but yeah looks after this little molly I think I don't want to poo on your parade which is a sentence I don't think I've ever said before I don't think it is a sentence really yeah I don't think it is either but I think it has why are they filming it like I think it's a lie the whole thing's a lie this is why I've become a conspiracy theorist I think in this exact moment I just think why were they filming it to begin with unless they knew this otter was gonna the otter is an industry plant yeah that's literally what I'm saying to be honest the moment in which I got invested it was already like halfway through so I don't see the set up so maybe the set up was more storytelling I don't think the set up is an old man's walking around and he finds an otter I can't I haven't seen it so I can't swear to it I'd love to meet a heartwarming otter.

8:22What would solve this situation? Is it a lovely otter? And then the otter just walks in the door. Hello, my mum was hit by a car. She had a run-up.

8:31James Acaster: Free Willy. You just seem free Willy. I can't, yeah, I can't attest to that. I don't know what the beginning is. Yeah, I assume it's them. It has to be them saying, here's what happened. And now we've started filming it. Yeah, because we heard about this man and his otter, I guess. It has to be. That would make sense, I guess. so you're not joining I see now there's still a lot of the story to tell so like you know all the stuff that I saw I was like wow they got a full camera crew yeah yeah it's not like when Louis Theroux was filming with the Hamiltons and then they got embroiled in that sort of weird thing I don't know anything about this very lucky he would have been delighted yeah I'm sure there were a lot of days of filming we can't use this Louis you're grinning from here to here you had a very boring documentary on your hands with just two slightly eccentric people.

9:18It's in the early days. Yeah, that is Louis Vu's job, isn't it? As things get worse, to pretend not to be just delighted by everything that's happening around him. Yeah.

9:27James Acaster: I mean, he's talking to those, like, Westboro Baptist church people. Every time they say something awful, he must be on the verge going, Yeah, yeah. You're making signs, are you? Can we film them? Yeah, yeah. They said yes, guys! Guys, they fucking said yes! They actually let us film the signs. Sorry, I'll take it down. I'll take it down. So you're letting us film the signs? good decision I think you've come off well in this time I won't trick you again like last time three times they've fallen through those idiots yeah come back Louis we'll prove you wrong this time yeah okay are you going to do the signs again oh yes come in they've filmed more signs we've had Louis Farouk on have you yes what was he like yeah he chose he wanted a goldfish in his water yeah so wackier than you'd think.

10:17James Acaster: That's strange. Yeah, yeah. Not to drink, I presume. Oh, yeah. He said he just wanted it in there. Someone should do a Louis Theroux on Louis Theroux. Yeah, they should Louis Theroux. That's a weird weekend. Yeah, that is a weird weekend. You'd think he'd be open to it. Yeah. Although he'd know all the tricks. Yeah, he'd know about all the pauses. Yeah, it'd be difficult, wouldn't it, to get him? Yeah, because if you try and Louis Theroux, Louis Theroux, you ask a question, you leave a pause like Louis Theroux, he will sit in that pause. yeah then you're just in an awkward silence yeah yeah two hours go by you've got to stand off yeah yeah do you think you could get him?

10:50both my parents are therapists so I am quite good at like getting to the soul of people sometimes yeah but Louis Theroux would be a challenging challenging get and also I don't know if even Louis Theroux knows what's going on you know what I mean like I don't know if there is like a a deeper or like an objective yeah like I don't know what I'm trying to discover about him I guess I guess why he does this sort of thing yeah and what's wrong with him. Yeah, what are you digging down into? Yeah, what are your... Did you get any sense of that when he was on your pod?

11:20James Acaster: He did a lot of voices, more voices than I expected. A Texan accent character at one point. Yeah, that was a good character. Sounds a bit wild. Goldfish in the water, pretending to be Texan. He's a fun guy. What therapy tricks did you pick up from your parents? Oh, I thought you were going to ask him about food. Carry on. Therapy tricks. The main one is... This is true. If you ask... You know, like empathic listening or emotional listening, which is basically what you do is you mirror exactly what the person says in different words, summarise it, and then add an emotion. So say someone says, I'm feeling pissed off with my dad today.

11:54It sounds like you were sounding really frustrated with your dad. And then because you've completely affirmed what they've said, they will then go deeper. And then they'll tell you why. And then if you affirm that, and eventually they'll get to a stage where they're like, I fucking, I don't know if I'm a good enough person. And this is going to make me sound like a psychopath. You go, yes. Well, this is... But at school, when I was like 13, sort of not having a great time at school, a bit of bullying and stuff, what I used to do to the bullies is just ask them like four of those questions, get them to a stage where they were like, oh my God, I don't know if I'm loved by you for my family members.

12:28And then I'd just leave them to deal with that. Just walk away with a knowledge they had of themselves that they couldn't nearly deal with. Johnny, you were the bully. Yeah.

12:39James Acaster: I wasn't the bully. Well, he said he was having problems at school with bullying. Yeah, yeah. These kids were clever. Couldn't stop doing it. Oh, Brian, everyone's crying.

12:51We always start with still or sparkling water, Johnny. I will have still water, please. I genuinely, I'm not a fussy drinker or eater particularly, but just do not like sparkling water at all. It sounds like you don't like sparkling water at all. That must be hard. Well, it is. Yeah, it's very hard. because I feel like maybe, I don't know why I don't like it, but it does feel, it is very challenging. Sounds confusing for you. I am confused about my lack of desire for sparkling water and that makes me feel anger. You must be very angry. You're not quite angry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't like it.

13:25I don't like it. I don't know why I don't like it, but I just don't like it. All right, I'm on to you. Do you like other pity drinks? Do you like Coke? Yeah, I love Coke. Love every other pity drink. So I got sparkling water I haven't had sparkling water in like 10 years because I just know I don't like it so there's a chance if I had it now I'd think oh no this is actually alright could be won over but genuine and I think particularly when you think it's still water and then it is sparkling water that's awful yeah

13:54James Acaster: I hate the the bottled ones you might get them in hotels yeah yeah that don't have because you'd think the bubble should be not you should be able to look at it 100 % and go it's bubbly totally right and you've got to look at the label yeah and sometimes the colour of the label is the wrong way around. Sometimes it's like there's one that's got a black label and one that's got a white label. Preach. In my head the white label should be still white. Yes, correct. Of course. Because it's plain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The black label should be the fizzy one. It's not. It's the other way around. And they both look the same.

14:26James Acaster: The fizzy one isn't jumping around and looking all fizzy. And sometimes you've just woken up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which actually like... We talked about this and that is genuinely something from this podcast that has affected my whole life and how I live it. On tour, in hotels a lot, always a bottle of still, always a bottle of sparkling. Because James once said on the podcast, he likes having a sparkling water in the morning if he's in a hotel and there's one next to him because it feels like it's cleaning his mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah. Every time I do that now, I save the sparkling water for the morning and I think, James thought this is like cleaning his mouth and it does feel like it's cleaning his mouth.

14:58James Acaster: He does it. Yeah. You can't see how happy James looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never influenced him before. Yeah, I'm fully influenced. I'm in that. That's my new routine. Well, sometimes in the evening I won't wash my face and I'll think, Ed used to do that. Yeah. He started now. Really? He started washing his face now. I'm on and off now. He's on and off now. So you think he's moved you negatively? Yeah. Because he's tricked you, hasn't he? He said, oh yeah, I don't wash my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not doing that. He's looking bloody delightful with a washed face. Yes. He makes my life worse and he looks so nice with his washed face, as you say.

15:30Well, I mean, I still don't know why people bother with that what washing your face in the evening I mean I'm you're talking to I mean I'm not washing my face in the morning often this is like Goldilocks yeah we're the three bears yeah we're the three bears but we're face washing he's made himself the perfect one hasn't he look at his head

15:50James Acaster: well he's the middle one yeah yeah he's on and off yeah I'm basically doing it all the time yeah every time I don't do it I think it's okay Edge doesn't wash his face and then you remember wait a minute but now I'm going to think of you so now if I don't do it in the morning I'll think Johnny Pelham doesn't wash his face I'd say that's a terrible strategy James no one should follow me in almost anything I do really I don't know I'll start living like you Pelham after this episode I might start doing it I'm very heavily influenced just like Ed is with me I'm glad to know that I do for this pressure now for me not to tell you anything else I do in a year you'll be homeless is there ever any of your friends or peers who have influenced you in a habit in your life is there something that you do and you always think that's because of that guy i am my i live with bobby mayor at the moment he's a comedian and when he started moisturizing i did think maybe i should moisturize i'll just wash my face yeah yeah or house is so terrible that we just have to tell people when they come on that one of us is doing crack it's the only way if you were you in Sesame Street there's Oscar the Grouch lived in the bin and then he had a little worm friend as well you've forgotten about the worm friend yeah it's easy to forget about the worm who's who who's Oscar and who's the worm it's sad to say but I am undeniably the worm he danced sometimes that worm yeah it's an optimistic worm that pretty much is a good summary of also the worm living in the bin that's normal that's normal that makes sense for the worm right the worm's found it's perfect house The problem is I am the worst.

17:26That's worse, isn't it? Because really I'm saying this is my happy place. Yeah, this is your habitat.

17:33James Acaster: Pop nobs or bread? Pop nobs or bread, Johnny Pelham? Pop nobs or bread? That was pretty easy. I like that sound. I haven't got that sound out of someone before. You kind of gained 60 years there. Old worm. Yeah, the old worm. Bread. Definitely bread. I love bread and butter I think bread and butter is really underrated I'll just have that often just by itself I just really enjoy just laughing at that James really tickled James and I laugh because James is tickled it's the image that Johnny's building of himself of the flat living in an absolute dump my meal today is bread and butter that's the treat this is underrated Bobby it's rare that we have bread and butter in at the same time we're living great lives okay yeah bread and butter is your I agree bread and butter it's perfect I think probably like a French baguette sort of vibe like the sort of you'd have with soup just get rid of the soup and just keep the bread and sort of too much butter that is like more than is socially acceptable yeah so sometimes people will say well that's a lot of butter and I think if you weren't here yet it would be so much more butter like a private amount of butter yeah yeah yeah yeah like something that teeth marks you want to see your teeth marks in the butter never even caught yeah maybe yeah I think I do actually do you want to see your teeth marks in the butter well that's how thick that's a measure of how thick the butter is right if you bite into it and you can see your teeth marks in the butter you know that's down the side of it scraping down like a block of cheese yeah wow I didn't know this was I nearly called my book teeth marks in the cheese did you yeah what did you call it glutton glutton covered it off there was a called the next book teeth marks in the cheese teeth marks I can't write another food book mate what as if yeah you can come on this is your niche now I think you have smashed it Ed in terms of your life like you've just got you just eat now and that's that's a great that's sort of the dream life isn't it yeah I just eat make money just from eating yeah being on toast again yeah yeah I'm eating bread and butter I'm just looking at my bank account go up yeah that's pretty great man I'm proud of you yeah thanks man and sometimes he talks to people about being untrustworthy yes so that's the two things he does he'll eat and then say to someone, why did you lie to all those people?

19:54James Acaster: They can't trust you now. What sort of butter? If you're at home, do you get a good butter in? Of course you don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scraping something out the sink, are you? Good butter? What is that? No, I think... Bobby Mayer's crumbs in it. No, when I'm at a restaurant, I do love... I didn't know butter could be that good. Sometimes when you go to a restaurant, you're like, this is just incredible. There's salt on the top, and you think, yeah, let's go. yeah that's bloody go this is why people make money this is why people make money point at the butter yeah worth all them hours of work I'm exploiting a lot of people and I'm doing it for this butter okay what other things in your life have you experienced that makes you think this is why people make money every time I walk in a house yeah this makes sense I can see why this system works yeah what else not your house No, no, this is what...

20:50James Acaster: When you walk in someone else's house, you go, this is why people make money. It's very motivating. Not when you walk in your house. Living in my house is very motivating to think I need to make more money. Yeah, yeah. I guess you could still say it in your house. It's just different. Yeah, yeah. I guess. What else is... I just think... You often buy everything. I think probably computer games. Yeah. But that explains why I'm in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really. It's why people make money. Painting such a bleak picture of your life now. I think the thing is, and this is a problem, I am quite happy.

21:17but that is like that almost makes it worse yeah yeah there's no like sure but um you know I'm an optimistic man what can I say what's your favourite computer game I play a lot of football manager and I had to stop playing because it was like I'd be talking to my girlfriend and all I'd be thinking about is we need to buy a left back I'm scouring the Croatian league that is a bit I've spoken to a lot of people who've got properly addicted to football manager yeah yeah well he's better than life I think that's the problem I only play football manager when I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival because there you just want something that's completely out of the world that you can just do and enjoy and it's like the thing I do every month just stop me getting hammered I'm like I won't drink I've got some Champions League to win

22:03James Acaster: that's a good idea because every Edinburgh for the listeners who don't know every Edinburgh Festival every comedian goes up and they always say the same thing they always go I'm not going to drink this year I'm not going to read reviews I'm not going to care about the sellout board and how other people are doing I'm going to exercise every day and then obviously you don't do any of that stuff and it goes to shit and it's really bad but it's because we don't replace it with something that's actually fun so you replace it with something that is addictive and enjoyable and isn't as bad for you as all that other stuff is genius because I don't really know many people who have successfully done that for the month and gone this is what I'm going to do and because I only play it during that month it is like I'm really into it I'm like I know this is my month I'm like look I'm getting terrible reviews no one's coming to my show but we're doing well in the Premier League you've got a Premier League team well done that I don't need this festival I'm a successful football manager that's why I scream at my audience I don't need you I don't need either I don't need either of you we've got Liverpool on the weekend we're going to beat them who's your team?

23:08well normally because I'm quite don't want to brag or anything I'm quite good at football manager so I start with someone like I'm from Bradford so I'm going to start with like Bradford City I'm feeling really ambitious Bradford Park Avenue who are like in like the conference and then you have to build them up to win the Champions League so you take Bradford all the way to like winning the main title I've done that more times than is acceptable you know what I mean like it's awful when you do that and then you log back on the year after and they're back down in the conference again yeah yeah you're like this is this is clearly it was all me you've handed them over to Ted Lasso yeah Yeah, yeah.

23:42He keeps getting relegated,

23:44James Acaster: but he's being very positive about it. This optimistic American, this isn't going to cut it. Yeah. Believe. Your dream starter. Let's get into your meal proper, Johnny. I think when I say my starter, we're all going to agree that I've cheated. But it's my dream restaurant. Yeah, yeah. And I can do what I want. Yes. Right? Well, let's hear it first. It's a nice, light, warm you up for the meal, spaghetti carbonara. I think that's totally acceptable. Sure. Great, great, great, great. We often let people have a pasta course if they want. Yeah, we've even let people do that. So, like, if you want to just make that your start, great.

24:23Well, it's a specific carbonara, because I was in, it was my 18th birthday. I was in Florence. I had a carbonara that was so delightful that it sort of ruined food for me for the next 15 years, pretty much. Because, like, I had to be banned by my government at the time from ordering carbonara in Italian restaurants because I'd just eat it and then be like, it's not as good.

24:47James Acaster: Get really sad about it. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember what the place was called? No, that's the thing. No idea what it was called. That's all right. You'll never get it again. It was like, we'd just landed, checked in. We sort of, one of those days where we were just walking, first day, walking through Florence. It was just on like a side street. Yeah. Ate it. It was just insane. Like how amazing it was. And that was the first time I'd ever been to Italy. So I was just like, well I guess this is what food tastes like. Yeah, yeah. This is going to be every meal. Yeah, literally. And then nothing has ever replicated it.

25:16So I'd say overall, that carbonara has had a negative impact on my life. Yeah. But in the moment, it was just pure, pure joy. I love that like 10 minutes ago, you were going, I guess I'm just happy. I'm an optimistic guy. And now you've gone, I love this carbonara. It's ruined my life.

25:32James Acaster: I'm complex. And saying that your life was something bleaker and bleaker. Yeah. And then you're like, I had this amazing carbonara. Here's a positive story. It's ruined my life. What was so amazing about this carbonara? I guess it's difficult to, like, the myth and reality are very intertwined now. I mean, it was just, like, the pasta was perfectly al dente. It was just sort of creamy. It was sort of weirdly, you know, the thing about carbonara is often they are rubbish. They're just so heavy. So you're just like, oh, and you just need to go. And it all coagulates and sticks together. so this was like light delicious the bacon was really salty and it was just like the perfect and was it cream or was it like the golden carbonara wouldn't have been cream huh no way well this is why I'm asking the Italians ain't doing that man yeah I don't know enough about carbonara to know like I can't remember I'm sure it wasn't cream because it was like different to anything I've eaten that's a crime that's a cream crime I'm not saying he's not going to go to Florence and there's going to be cream in the carbonara man I think you just got to be clear on it you know because like if Pelham's going around ordering carbonara probably got some creamy ones they did put a jug of single cream next to it it was for dessert it was incredible though it was like yeah it was real it was a real smasher that and do you think it's because you were in Italy as well there was like we were tired and like it was like all those things of like we just got there we didn't quite know what was going on a bit hungry and then you just sit down it was like quite a secluded little like weird area and it was like nice temperature and it was just like, this is, I was like, this is going to be a good holiday.

27:10This is why people earn money. Yeah, yeah, this is why people earn money. Of course, that's what you said. And was it a good holiday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good, solid. Just you and your girlfriend? No, no, it was me and my full family. Not my girlfriend. I was only like 18 at the time. Yeah. Oh, now I can see even more why your girlfriend at the time banned you from having carbonara in restaurants because she wasn't even there for when you had the carbonara in the first place. and you know I would say the problem is it's quite a boring story it's not boring it's a fine story but once you was told that story 56 times every time you're like should we go for a romantic meal yeah yeah I'll be getting the carbonara and then I'll be sad I'll be wishing I was somewhere where you weren't originally and you were never there for it yeah so that so I think the banning you know when someone says you've got to stop doing this and I think that's I'm like yeah you are completely right and now I just never order carbonara I've just let that I've let that go oh so you haven't had carbonara in ages no I had a carbonara in ages because as I said it is when it is normally it's quite bad like it isn't and it's so heavy so but this one particular carbonara that's why I had to get it as a starter yeah yeah this is my food issue in life did the rest of your family have the carbonara no no that was the only one and then I gave some to my parents idiot

28:27you went this is so nice you gotta try it yeah little did you know that was the pinnacle of your entire life yeah And you gave some of it away to your parents. Yeah, I guess I'm just a great guy. Yeah, I guess so.

28:38James Acaster: Did they say that's amazing? They were enthusiastic about it, but they weren't. I mean, really, they should have started weeping and gone, this is the best thing that's ever happened in my life, including the birth of all my children. And then I'd have been like, they get it. Yeah, yeah. They said they were, you seem to like the carbonara joint. Yeah. I'm like, wait a minute. Wait a second. Good holiday, though, with your it's you your parents my two sisters and um older sisters younger sisters two older sisters and it was uh it was my birthday and my parents anniversary it's like four days apart so it was like a combined of those two things and uh which one do you reckon got more kind of air time good question in the holiday do you reckon it became more of a birthday holiday or an anniversary holiday I'd say because it was an 18th yeah which I think it was probably me and I think that reflects how cool a person I am 18th birthday I'm in Florence with my family I'm crying about carbonara I can't find I'm running around the streets of Florence going I deserve a better carbonara I love it that sounds absolutely delicious I also love that I didn't know like you were the youngest of three and it just makes sense yeah I love thinking about little Johnny yeah running around after his sisters like I love it yeah being like hey wait up that's what I always think of wait for me guys wait up yeah I really like that image even though in Florence you're 18 but in my head you're like 8 yeah yeah yeah like Scrappy Do you've had this carbonara is it the size of a main course that carbonara I think I'll talk to the genie about this can I just have as much space for eating as well then yeah it's infinite it can't be infinite because then you're never going to get onto your main are you or are you happy to not finish the infinite carbonara?

30:33Yeah, I think it's just always there as an option because basically every time I have an existential crisis about carbonaras I've got some in the fridge actually. Well, here's the thing then. It's in the fridge. In your dream restaurant you want an infinite carbonara that's fridge cold. Well, I guess I have to leave the restaurant, right? I can't just stay in the restaurant forever so I'm just taking a vat of this carbonara and maybe someone's telling me the recipe. That's what's happening. Okay. Well, then I have to cook it and I don't like my chances. yeah I mean there's a chef who follows me around from this restaurant okay and he lives in the bin with me yeah you and Bobby in our house yeah somehow we were following a chef yeah he's not done well out of this deal yeah he was happy in Florence yeah obviously with us and the Fox that's a good sitcom yeah

31:16James Acaster: well okay let's say you can never get full yeah and you've got an infinite amount of that carbonara yeah it will never stop when do you think you would stop eating it and we'll just make it that size I guess so but like realistically it's the best thing you've ever tasted you absolutely love it you start eating it you're never it's not even touching the sides at any point I've no idea also this I think sums you up do you? that you've gone with the best thing you've ever eaten and it's ruined all food for you and it's your starter so this whole meal is going to be downhill from now on it can't be as good yeah yeah I see what you're saying Ed you're a wise man yes you've seen you've seen the error of my ways but yeah I don't care basically I'm having an infinite style.

31:58It's never ending. Goodbye.

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32:46Okay, so your main course. Main course. I'm from Bradford. And Bradford is... They won the Champions League, didn't they? They sounded 2037. Yeah. So it's a curry. It's a curry. Because that's really, Bradford has, Bradford gets a lot of stick. It's always on like worst places to live that you can imagine in the UK. It's always like fourth. I was like, who's making that list? What sort of a twat is coming down from London and being like, imagine living here. Yeah. But we're really good at curry. So there's a few curries I thought. There's, I like live in a very Asian area. We're like one of two white families on our street.

33:20And basically every Eid, the food is just ridiculous. It's like all the families, neighbors bring around like curry and samosa. And it is insanely good. Like it's so good. And it is amazing. And then you do feel a bit guilty because we give nothing back. Because it's like, what would we, hey, here's a cottage pie. We have nothing to offer. The one I'm going to go for is my local curry place. We're just like a family restaurant. It's called Habib's and it is just such good curry. Yeah. And I would get a lamb macaroni, which, um, macaroni is a weird dish. because I've added it every other place I go.

33:55It's like a vibrant pink that doesn't exist in nature and I don't really like because it's really sweet. But this one, I think they might be doing it wrong, to be honest, because it's like yellow, but it's so delicious. It's just like the nicest curry I've ever had. Is it very spicy? It's actually not that spicy. I like spicy food, but this isn't very spicy. It's more like just creamy and just like, it's got a pineapple in it, which is a bit of a shocker. yeah that is a bit of a shocker but it really works and it's yeah it's just a meat and then yeah a bit of chapati and pilau rice and yes please is the meat in there

34:30James Acaster: what's the meat lamb lamb and the lamb's really tender it's like it's absolutely smashing curry have you gone to this place your whole life my whole life we call them up now and they just know exactly what our order is it's one of those places that's good that's what you want in life and we had it at Christmas Eve this year because we were just like we were only back for three days and we were like we're my family we have to get a curry in so Christmas Eve paddockery and it was so good what are your parents orders? my dad gets sometimes James asks a question where I was like that's the most James question of all time why is that a James question?

35:02because he wants to know James' question is always name your friends who are with you tell us about your friends that's nice yeah yeah but it's always interesting the sort of real minutiae of what's going on what are your parents orders is a very James question

35:17James Acaster: yeah I love it that they know your orders straight away so I thought you must know the orders and I like that everyone's got their own little orders it's great no I completely agree but it's very funny he's right yeah my dad gets a chicken boonah yeah and my mum even though she's a meat eater because both my sisters are vegetarian will get a vegetable rug and Josh because she wants to like let them have more choice because the great thing about curry is just smashing everyone's sure on everyone's plate yeah so she just lets my sisters have more choice because she's a kind woman. My dad, absolutely ruthless.

35:52Yeah, yeah. The boobie. And your sisters, what do they get? One of them gets a vegetable macaroni and the other one gets a vegetable doa piazza. I love it. There you go, you're new. I love it, you know, it's all of them.

36:05James Acaster: The restaurant knows all the orders. Did you ever go to the restaurant with your gang? With my gang? That you were in? I was in a gang at school called the Blazing Bangladeshis. It was just me and five Bangladeshi lads and it was very fun. I was just, as soon as I knew you were coming in, I was like, I can't wait to ask him about his gang. We love the gang so much. Again, I imagine you just like, wait up, guys. Blazing Bangladeshis. I was like the lawyer. Was it ever acknowledged that you were white in the Blazing Bangladeshis? Well, look, let me... Was it ever acknowledged? I'd imagine day one it might have been.

36:44Well, I think I was an honour. And that was part of the joy for me. because I got included in this group. Because I went to pretty much an all-Asian school. I was the only white boy in my class. So that's why I had to psychoanalyze people, stat, get some rep. You don't want to mess with them. It'll make you question your very existence. And the thing was, a lot of white kids got bullied. And I think subconsciously I looked at them and thought, I don't want that. So instead I just became the most Asian boy I could be. Straight into a gag with them. yeah I knew how to swear at people's mums in Bangladeshi yeah I knew all sorts I was really it was a great time and what's crazy is it was only when I went to university I was like yeah yeah I was in a gang of Bangladeshi lads but people I realised how weird it was yeah sure it's not everyone's lived experience yeah yeah I was like yeah yeah I mean you know what it's like on Friday everyone goes to mosque you have to play alone

37:43how did you get in the gang? did they invite you or did you like Well, initially it was a five-side football tournament. I was a goalkeeper. Again, that's a position you get if you don't want to be bullied. I was quite a good goalkeeper, which is the ultimate, like, look, guys, I can fulfil a role no one wants to do. So I was quite a good goalkeeper. They were like, we need a goalie. And then we did quite well. We got to the final. And that is a bonding experience. I mean, I play a lot of football manager. I know how important team morale is. So I was like, look, if we're going to win this competition next year, we need a gang.

38:14Yeah, yeah. And they all agreed. before, you know. I mean, there was a time where... Were you there for the naming of the gang? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a founding member. Yeah.

38:23James Acaster: Were there any other things? Let's call ourselves the Blazing Bangladeshis. Did no one look at you or you put your hand up and go, will that work for the whole gang? I can't remember. I think there was a decent chance that I was the one who said, why don't we call ourselves the Blazing Bangladeshis? We're all the same, right? Yeah. A little pause. Okay, Jon. we can call ourselves that but people won't when you're not with us people won't assume you're in the gang it's the only problem for you I would say no one suggested the blazing Bangladeshis and Johnny you know what I mean I think I was in the core group there were people who were like more satellite gang members they must have been livid yeah especially if they were Bangladeshi right yeah they'd have been like who the fuck how is he so prominent in this yeah and then look at me I'd swear at their mum in Bangladeshi and then go he deserves to be he's putting more work than us he's putting more work he's putting more work he's putting more work cuss out my mum it's like someone in the mafia who's not Italian it's like he's done some stuff yeah yeah yeah like an Irish guy in the mafia yeah Joe Irish like Joe Irish is in the mafia yeah so this curry sounds lovely I love people's like local curry houses that they grew up with because like sometimes you know you get you visit a mate somewhere else in the country visit their family they take you to their local curry house they will build it up so much before you go and say how much they love this place you can wait until you get there and then every time you go and it's the same as any curry you've ever had anywhere but you know they've grown up with it it means that much more to them no other curry in the country tastes as good and I do love hearing people talk about you've got that place the Raj although I also shout out to the Royal Bengal as well in Kettering they're literally two doors down from each other that's stressful for them isn't it yeah they're in constant competition I imagine the lads on Brick Lane I can't imagine that's not in Ketrin just so you know sorry to get off track don't know what he's talking about Brick Lane you don't know anything about Ketrin it's not a place they're not rocking a road these places oh sorry sorry that's what I meant rocking and road I've got bricks rocks the curry mile of Ketrin well that's Manchester the curry 100 metres but yeah it is tense between them yeah House of Spice Rains Park shout out House of Spice Rains Park Habibs that's the one I would like people to go there because I feel like they're doing well but they could be doing better yeah okay so if you're in Bradford go to Habibs don't mention me because I don't actually want to talk to them like I really like them but the idea of knowing them knowing that I don't want that well bad news Johnny you've mentioned it by name you've made it sound really good often the effect that it has on this podcast is people do go there and do mention to the owners the podcast and the person I don't want to call up and do my order and I'm going, did you mention this on a podcast?

41:24and I have to go, I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I don't know how to deal with compliments I'd be like, oh yeah, sorry why can't you deal with compliments? Ed, I'm on to you You can't say that in a therapy session

41:38James Acaster: I'm on to you I'm on to you I'm on to you I know what you're doing my parents are therapists you can't pull this bullshit on you you're trying to break my unconscious habits are you while they're staying stuck that would be a good film a young person whose parents are therapists doing something that means they have to go to therapy like being naughty and they're like right you've got to go to therapy sessions and then they're like I'm on to you they parapise the therapist at the end of the session the therapist is crying yeah I would watch that like Good Will Hunting but like he's younger yeah yeah and has therapist maybe it's based on me yeah I think so maybe I could play it the kid could be in a gang yeah yes plays in Bangladesh yeah cusses out the therapist yeah yeah yeah I'm really loving this I'm seeing box office I'm seeing a lot of money you're seeing box office I'm seeing box office yeah you're seeing box office that was a bad yeah yeah yeah box office the presence of a box office does not mean it's done well.

42:40Right, well, that's good in foot now. How's my new film done on the phone to your agent? How's my new film done? Well, there's a box office.

42:48James Acaster: I just instantly start cheering. Yes! Phone him up. Hello, is that box office? Yes. How's good Johnny Petlum doing? Bad. Thank you. Bobby, it's got box office!

43:13your dream side dish so we've got we've got chapati and pilau included with the lamb macaroni that's included yeah that's that comes with that's a package deal comes with and I think I'm just going to stay at Habib's I do feel a bit boring about picking Habib's because it is only if it represented a lack of imagination it means a lot to you it means a lot to you it does mean a lot to me yeah stay at Habib's do you want the starter to be in Florence by the way at that restaurant and then you move to Habib's for your main? Or do you want us to transport the starter to Habibs? Would it feel weird eating a carbonara in an Indian restaurant?

43:44Definitely. Definitely. Is it in, sorry, it's a curry house. Yeah, it's in India. It is an Indian restaurant. I don't know, where do I want to be? Maybe in Florence would be, I think if I was going to be anywhere, I'd be in Florence with the carbonara and the curry. Can you transport me anywhere? Yeah, I could do anything like that. Absolutely. I feel sorry for the Habibs crew. Yeah, I feel sorry for the Habibs crew. Do you? Well, also I don't know if I'd like a curry that I'm used to eating in an Indian restaurant setting in an alleyway in Italy wouldn't feel right I don't know if it's an alleyway the way you said that it's like a next to a bin it's like a carbonara

44:20James Acaster: that's weird that's what I've imagined I've imagined it's in a little side street yeah or was it an alleyway yes basically an alleyway fair enough it's sad that I say I did delicious carbonara in Italy and you've looked at me and gone I imagine it's in an alleyway in a bin can I tell you why I imagine that because Florence all of those big places in Italy, the nicest restaurants are down like rickety little alleyway side streety places because the food has to be good because it's not touristy and the view's not good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it probably was down in an alleyway. Well, then what's this about?

44:53In my head, I think an alleyway, you meant like it's like a... Actually, you're talking about quite a picturesque, beautiful little alleyway. No, it doesn't have to be picturesque. I mean, if there's a bin, that's fine. You know, short walk home. Stop talking about bins. Yeah, yeah, it could be nice. It could be a bin, probably. Do you live in a bin? I imagine there's a lot of bins surrounding you. You're surrounded by bins. You're sat in the middle. So we're standing in Habib's for the side dish. Yes, yeah, yeah. The side dish. I think it's just good. They do these little fish-like pakora things that are just properly top-notch.

45:22They're like light leaf fried, I guess. I mean, you've eaten a pakora, but it's really good version of that. I don't think I've had a fish one. Fish pakora? No. Yeah, they're really like, blow your head off good. My dad ordered, you changed the order about three years ago. That was commotion everywhere. Pardon? And I thought he'd lost his mind. I thought, well, I'm clear he's got dementia or something.

45:47It's the first sign. Absolutely fine with it. Well, clearly he's got dementia. I imagine this is the worst thing that's going to happen because of that. Yeah, yeah. Food always leading to the end of your life.

45:59James Acaster: You've got to take care of him and dad for 15 plus years. Watch his steady decline. This is a shame. because he's all the fish piquot but then it was eating it somewhere else and he thought I'm going to give it a go he's a sort of you know he's a bold man yeah and incredible so good so they would be a side dish so are they super light but also like they're like very very yeah exactly that very light and you can really taste the fish in a way that you wouldn't imagine because they're probably not like they're not deep fried as much as you would deep fried piquot I guess so they're like lightly fried then you can still taste the fish which I presume is like cod right some white fish in there and it's yeah it's great sounds good I have a question about your parents being therapists yep yep yep because you said your dad maybe heard about fish pakora as side of the tribe if this is a great question yeah yeah I think I'm on the same page obviously therapists can't go about repeating what they've had heard in the sessions what people have said to them yeah if in the session yeah the person's like talking about something they go I was at this restaurant and it's very difficult for me I went there because they do these amazing fish pakoras, they're just so good and then they carry on with their story and your dad, when your mum clocks that and goes, that's not tasty are they allowed to go and in their life then go and get fish pakoras because someone mentioned it in a session and it sounded good are they allowed to take that and do that in their life, take recommendations from their I thought you were going to say if then in 20 minutes, could they then go you mentioned earlier about these fish pakoras before we go I think just to sum up or asking leading therapy questions being like and yeah this place you had the fish pakoras you must have what was the name of the because I think it'd be weird it'd be good to know the name of the place to really understand you yeah and they reasonably priced on and this feels like a kind of curb episode or something but if I said to my therapist yeah you know it happened there's this restaurant called Brat it's delicious I think it's the best restaurant in london and then i went there a week later and my therapist was there having a meal that's funny i would be like are you here because i recommended it yeah because i said it was good i thought there was it has to be anonymous yeah you can't be you can't be here that is great i think what you should do is you should start just mentioning delicious like you should try and like set him up yeah just keep saying like i have the best donuts you've ever imagined at this restaurant and then just see if he goes.

48:29If he goes, let's be like, are you taking my communications for our sessions? That's private. It was, the strangest thing about having parents' therapist was people, I didn't really know what my mum and dad did when I was like a kid and I would see happy people. They had an office in our living room, in their office, in the house. And so I'd see these very happy people walking in and then an hour later they would just be weeping so they left. And I'd be like, I wonder what is happening in that space.

48:58James Acaster: Dan's telling them off. I've been on the receipt at the end of that. Been there, buddy. Someone's not cleaned their room. You've got to pick up your leg up. He hates it. He hates it. I love these fish pakoras. Are they spicy? Then they are lightly spiced, I'd say, but they're not like blow your mouth off. Because sometimes when we have people come on and they stay in the same place for a different course, it can sometimes be, especially when it's the side, it can be a bit of a okay they're just doing that because it goes with that it doesn't sound both of these sound delicious oh I'm glad I love the sound of your main I love the sound of this side dish I would eat both of them I'm glad that you've stayed in Habib's yes I think it works really well I'm glad they sound a bit like saltfish fritters like Caribbean cuisine oh yes they are like that always like dumplings deep fried saltfish yes fish running through them but they're not like Johnny Cakes no they're not like Johnny Cakes just to be clear what are Johnny cakes what are Johnny cakes again I thought they're nothing to do with me no nothing to do with you well the kind of one there's a cake I'm not a cake man yeah well you might pick cakes for your dessert they're like sort of flatbread batter type things like dumplings oh yeah yeah I'm going to eat a Johnny cake are you not during this meal though not during this meal no they're not the thing alright great yeah we'll stay away from those normally look for the listener we never tell the guests what the secret ingredient is but I felt, oh fuck we've led Johnny to this now There's no way I was going to say I'll have a Johnny cake for you, I didn't know they existed I thought you were on the verge, I thought we'd introduce you to what they are, you said oh I'm going to eat one If the next sentence was, yeah fuck it why don't I put one on the menu?

50:46And then we go, get out That is unacceptable Also when Johnny found that out he moved backwards but he had to move the microphone closer closer to him because he rolled his chair backwards I think I realised what a treacherous group it does sound a bit like a Johnny cake doesn't it what's one of them oh wow you'd like those why don't you try one now sounds delicious I like that you thought how can we get Johnny to say something he'll probably say his name he'll probably say his own name and then if he follows that with cake cake yeah the simplest I would like a Johnny cake please I and some Johnny Pakoras every single food you say your name after yourself.

51:27Johnny Carbonara.

51:29James Acaster: Johnny Carbonara sounds like quite the character. Well, he's in the Mafia with Irish Joe, isn't he? Joe Irish. He's trying to get in the blaze among the last year, but we're not letting him in. Go away, Johnny Carbonara. Hey, come on, guys. I love living in Bradford. Put me on the wing. I'm good at throw-ins. I can play soccer. I'm Johnny Carbonara. It's a good character, isn't it? Yeah. I love that. I think you can make that into a sketch, Johnny Carbonara. Johnny Carbonari, yeah. Making's one of my sketches, I do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we do many sketches. Like, do you want to interview Johnny Carbonari for the Blazing Bangladeshis?

52:05James Acaster: Trying to get in the gag? What bit of Bangladesh do you feel most proud of? Oh my God, I just love Bangladesh, you know? I love the cuisine, I love the people. I just feel Bangladeshi at heart. I'm Johnny Carbonari. What was his name? you're welcome addition to the gang fantastic to be honest it was quite easy to get in the gang we were actually recruiting people were leaving by the day this isn't the social this hasn't helped me socially as I imagine it was still getting bullied it doesn't help to the end it just allows the bully to know the group to bully now yeah okay great there he is was there ever a situation where so many Bangladeshis had left you had to recruit more white people and then it was a fully white gang called the Blazing Bangladeshis that would have been amazing like a kind of Atomic Kitten situation Sugar Babes Sugar Babes, sorry You said Sugar Babes With such almost anger there Sugar Babes You said you were about it, next Imagine if once Sugar Babes replaced themselves with members of Atomic Kitten and it turned into Atomic Kitten Yeah, I'd love that But they're still called the Sugar Babes Yeah, yeah That would have been the most confusing I wouldn't mean dead confusing Imagine if Sugar Babes changed their name to Blazing Bangladeshis That would be confusing That would be very confusing And also copyright There's a chance I could make some money from that Yeah, yeah Yeah, but that would be quite the news story.

53:25James Acaster: People are going, sorry, this guy is saying that he owns the name Blazing Bangladesh. And now he's taking the sugar babes to call over. That would be a bad look for you. I think you'd be a villain on the internet if you tried to sue someone for using the name Blazing Bangladesh. But if there's enough money, you just have to take the money in wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why people make money. This is why people make money. This is why people sue Atomic Cairns.

53:50This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you know me, you know that my philosophy is all about looking good and feeling good every single day. And that honestly comes down to the first layer. I'm talking about bras. If your bra is digging into your shoulder or maybe it's riding up in the back or you are dying to take it off at the end of the day, then that bra is not the right fit. And what I love about Aerie is that they have 59 different sizes in really soft fabrics and really good fits. Because at the end of the day, your bra should hold you in and not hold you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra and your perfect fit.

54:32Your dream drink. Where are we going for this? Interesting question. I guess we're now in London, overlooking London on like a balcony. And I'm having a margarita. Lovely. I love a margarita. Didn't really get into margaritas until about five years ago. started drinking them too much and what I've learned about myself really looked at James there do you know what Johnny proper stuck his face forward too much too much I don't like that accent you didn't be it yeah look at that accent

55:04James Acaster: not as good as the Johnny Carbonaro one too much that's what you sound like you do I'm from Yorkshire whenever I try to do accents I have to say where I'm doing and also I can't do accents is that what you had to do in the Blazing Bangladeshis I wasn't doing the accent Can you imagine? He wanted to fit in. I think that's like day one out of the gang. Surely. He lasted two seconds in the gang and no prices for guessing why. Now we're the ones who bully him. The problem with margaritas though is I get quite cantankerous after about four. So I'm really jolly, really jolly. And suddenly I'm like, is this relationship even working?

55:45It's just an insane shift in everything.

55:48James Acaster: yeah because it's tequila isn't it so it should be lifting you up and making you happy that's what the big PR for tequila is these days it's an upper it doesn't make you cantankerous but you are here to say I'm swilling it around I'm a bit dropping out of the glass what is love is this real all over looking London yeah do you have a particular place that you like to get a margarita from the best margarita you've ever had there was a place I think it's called like 20 stories high in I don't know why I spoke like that in Manchester that was good so maybe there but that isn't in London so I guess thank you it's high though thank you for letting me know that Manchester's not in London we have a lot of international listeners they could do with being told that they probably don't know you could drink it in Manchester and be so high up on a building that you're overlooking London that's what I want yeah I mean even the fact that's a possibility in this universe is wonderful just that you can just do anything 20 stories high man Yeah, it would have to be 17 ,000 stories high.

56:52And you get binoculars when you come in. Is it called 20 stories high, Benito, you found? 20 stories. Oh, it's just called 20 stories. I've added the highest that people couldn't get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they didn't think 20 stories was high, I'd have to let them know it's pretty high. Was it spelt like stories in a building? Oh, it's stories in tales, so it's not even about being high up. 20 stories. I never got that. I was always pissed on my argument. This is a stupid name. You spelt story wrong, you idiot. We're on the ground floor. You sound a bit like Johnny Carbonara, then.

57:23James Acaster: After four, I'm like, you're actually one of the guys. Yeah, you become Johnny Carbonara, that's fair enough. Oh, so 20 stories. Okay. Let's say... Oh, no. What? I just thought you were going to get Johnny to tell 20 stories. You don't have to tell them, but... That's too many stories. Just briefly, your favourite 20 stories. That's a different podcast, 20 stories, James. We should do that podcast. Top 20 stories. Just call it 20 stories. I'd say it's an overwhelming number of stories because I can tell stories I don't want to brag or anything but I've got a lot of in my head but once I said do 20 stories your brain goes ah so many fucking stories I don't know maybe the podcast would be 20 episodes story each episode yeah yeah or like tell 4 stories like a starter main story mail story mail yeah yeah or yeah we could do it as a story per episode call it 20 stories record it at the bar 20 stories and just get more and more pissed on margaritas throughout the whole thing.

58:20That is a great, that is a great podcast. Yeah. I would be a guest on that podcast without a doubt. Because that's the problem with cocktails is you just drink them, I just forget. Intellectually, I'm like, oh, there's a lot of alcohol in here. Yeah. This will get me hammered. Yeah. And then that just goes out of the window completely and I just neck them. By the time, the So You Think You're Funny Edinburgh fringe thing, me and Harriet Kemsley just got apps and they were giving three cocktails out just couldn't have been more pissed and then decided to do the dirty dancing oh no and then Harriet charged at me like a terrified bull sprinting across the dance floor presumably thinking I was an expert dancer yeah then jumped in the air I couldn't catch her she we just to everyone watching it just looked like Harriet comes to you ran across the room and speared me to the ground and that's one of the

59:19stories

59:19James Acaster: we arrive at your dream dessert Johnny Pelham well I think it's quite boring this but it's a sticky toffee pudding that's not boring it's a classic for a reason it's the thing I eat at and also when I was like the fact that we both said it together it's like we're a married couple who've been together for like 40, 50 years but we still love each other Yeah, we still love each other, but we say stuff like, it's a classic for a reason at the same time. And people go, they haven't even got their own thoughts anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These two. Because it isn't, I think that's so true, it isn't romantic, that.

59:54When you're like, when you get to every sentence, you know what the umpah's going to say. It's like, that's not romantic. You're bored. I think it's the pinnacle of romance. Do you? Yeah, I love it. Love it. You can bring Google to your partner's sentences. When they're going, what was that I'm saying? I'm trying to remember. And then you know exactly what it is.

1:00:12James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. well that's different though but like I would say like in terms of like someone saying stuff and then the couple both just say the same thing have the same opinion about it and use you know cliched phrases that is you're nowhere near that no no no if I asked you and Charlie we're very different yeah yeah you're not going to both just say the same opinion yeah we're the opposite actually all of my opinions really upset well that I think that's healthy they're bad opinions yeah yeah yeah here's a bad they're bad opinions oh I know they're not nice opinions those whatsapp groups opinions everyone's talking about Ed he's trying to gamble like he fucking if he had his opinions if he had his opinions this guy yeah sticky top of money and I think like a specific time basically when I was about 10 I started walking home from school by myself and that was like sorry that's obviously going to make James laugh so I laugh why are you laughing at that well okay it's funny a lot of reasons funny so it's funny imagining you as a little 10 year old walking home by yourself from school feeling like a big, big man.

1:01:15James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big thing. They trust me correctly. It's funny when an adult says stuff like that. It still sounds like a little kid boasting that they walk home from school by themselves, even though I know that you're not doing it. I want people to know. That was a boast. And it reminded me of starting to walk to and from school by myself and en route was this garage where all the mechanics worked. and if you looked through the window, there was a porn calendar. So I just remember that from walking to him from school, which would always just glance in the window and see some boobies.

1:01:50James Acaster: Yeah, you were laughing and slightly around. But also couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe these men had a picture of a naked woman on the wall. I was like, how the hell? I can't wait to be that old. It's not that I couldn't wait to be that old. No, I was a little Christian boy. So I was like, I can't believe that this is happening. And that they do that as men. around each other going there's a naked woman let's all look at it together share that write our appointments underneath it you know like it was crazy I bet the second half of the walk was slower than the first wasn't it yeah I was hunched over tried to blood gut all over the place yeah lightheaded yeah woozy sorry I'm late miss I went past the garage again Jake you've got to stop walking past that garage I must go to the toilet immediately yeah confess on it because I'm a little Christian but I looked at the naughty calendar so naughty but I love it I'm so sorry forgive me yeah imagine like yeah I know the calendar thing is weird isn't it porn calendar yeah it's all weird and that time where like there was just page 3 existing yeah look back at that it's like it's just absolutely an insane period of life yeah yeah Yeah.

1:03:07James Acaster: Even though now it's like the internet and it's the fucking Wild West in terms of porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it was like... Well, at least it's private. You know what I mean? At least it's like... It's just so crazy. Yeah, yeah. It was just next to the bananas in Tesco. Yeah, yeah. A newspaper of a woman with a tits out. Yeah. Imagine being like, oh, writing in a doctor's appointment below like Nicky19 from Manchester. Feels weird, doesn't it? It's very weird. My prostate checked. lovely breasts up there. I can't wait till next month with a new lady. Hope I make it. Doc, please tell me it's good news.

1:03:48James Acaster: It's the first of the month tomorrow and I can't look forward already. I'm flipping through the whole thing if it's bad. I'm going to have to look at the back for the little preview squares. Do they have rude advent calendars? They must do. I've never seen one. funny if they do open up a door and a dick just pops up a 3D a 3D dick just open the door boom really realistic how big how big really big just a 7 inch yeah the first door as well so the rest of the door how am I going to work around this all these other doors I've got to lift up this dick every time I'm opening the other doors I can't believe it what's the dick made out of is it a real dick Somehow they've done it Somehow they've done it Where you open it up And a full dick comes out It's a 17th I've got to lift this dick up Lift this dick up That was another one The 24th The calendar comes on you For fuck's sake

1:04:54It's a Christmas in glory hole Yeah

1:04:57James Acaster: Yeah exactly That's what you've got In your hands That's good stuff man Benito's looking very upset About that Doesn't like it Doesn't like the doesn't like it they haven't been calendar with the as soon as I said for the listener when I said do you think they have rude advent calendars Benito went don't do that it's like I can see there's a riff on it's way that I'm not going to enjoy don't do this for me I've got to re-listen to these when I edit them and if it goes down well with the listeners I've got to listen to it again for the end of year special don't do this to me oh god they're all laughing if it's going down well in the room it'll probably go down well when I'm releasing this it's like a nightmare don't make me google that he didn't want to google that yeah sorry the look was actually from Benito saying don't make me google if it's rude advent don't make me google rude advent calendar so I'm pretty sure the one that we rift isn't real there probably is little porn there'll be a video of that though someone will be able to make that video no context off menu you'll do an advert for a rude advent calendar where a dick pops out of door one and then I'd like a second video of the person having to open another door but lifting the dick up to get to it that's my favourite bit that's my favourite bit you very rarely have to do dick admin in life yeah fucking hell open that one and some of them I thought that some of them won't be pornographic so they had to lift up the dick and open one it's like just a little picture of Christmas pudding and then they've got to put the dick back down over it but also the balls are in behind a separate door but not directly below the dick how have they done this it's like a cat set painting like a magic trick Picasso dick Picasso

1:06:42there's ass in there as well yeah

1:06:46James Acaster: that's another hole oh another door sorry 40 in slip right now we're gonna get back from this the dessert oh yeah sticky toffee pudding oh god that's another door you think it

1:07:07I so I'd walk back from school little tenure on me that was me walking and then I would just there was like you can get two sticky topping puddings for like £1.50 or two quid from Tesco and I'd just get them whack them in the microwave and just eat them both and it was such a moment in my life where I was like life's gonna be okay yeah I can do this I'm in control yeah yeah this is huge it's like look capitalism has many flaws but if you can make two sticky canoffee puddings for$1.99 it's a good system yeah

1:07:38James Acaster: I think those are like those moments when you're a kid and you think when I'm an adult I'm just going to get this and eat it all the time I can't eat this whenever I want it's going to be so great but obviously when you are an adult it does wear off a bit there's still moments in my life where I go I catch myself and go this is amazing yeah but like those are maybe the greatest moments in your life yeah yeah yeah and that sense of like possibility you're like I'm so free like I could just do this forever and that would be when you're 10 you think that would be such a good life like that would just be sticky toffee pudding forever walking home from work two sticky toffee puddings in the microwave ding dong great life I love those those formed a large part of my childhood I think the puddings that you put in the microwave in like the white in the white plastic tubs and you tip them up on the thing sticky toffee pudding or the chocolate one I really liked as well the chocolate fondant ones you could get yeah yeah I'd forgotten about them they were amazing actually I did a lot of I worked in a lot of like pub kitchens so a lot of the puddings were that were like those ones in the pots and then you take the film off turn it upside down put it in the microwave so I was eating a lot of them but you know sneakily when the head chef wasn't looking yeah but did that make them taste nicer that you were getting away with it yeah you were it was illicit yeah sneaky toffee puddings sneaky toffee pudding that's more of my nickname in the kitchen no it wasn't huh it's the mash king it's the mash king yeah because I made great mashed potato did you I did at the time oh really you know have you lost the skill I think so I think I probably lost it you know I would have to really I think I'd get the ratios wrong of all the stuff I was putting in now I think I could still mash with the best of them but I don't think I'd get all the ratios right interesting yeah you used to develop a knack for it at the time it's the sixth sense yeah I wasn't seeing ghosts or anything just make him mash that's a different movie yeah different film I made good mash that was from the bear initially good for you it's got the sixth sense it's a guy who made an amazing match Bruce Willis phoned me around and showed him he's like you know I'm a ghost right who cares look at the mash I think it's a big deal I'll read your menu back to you now Johnny see how you feel about it you want still water you want a French baguette with too much butter you want the carbonara from Florence you would like for your main the lamb makhani from Habib's in Bradford with a chapati and pilau rice side dish the fish pakora also from Habib's drink a margarita from 20 stories in Manchester but you want it 20 stories up in London and the dessert you would like two sticky toffee puddings on the way home from school microwaved by your 10 year old self and you're 10 you're 10 when you have it yeah why not I live in this world I'm 10 I'm 10 really delicious I desperately want to go to Habib's now.

1:10:31Yep. It is good.

1:10:31James Acaster: If you're in Bradford, go to Habib's. Next time I am in Bradford, and God willing I will be, I'm going to go to Habib's. City of Culture this year. And I will say Johnny Pelham sent me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll say, I would like Johnny Pelham's order, please. Oh, that, yeah, they'd probably... I would like the Pelham. No, that's confusing because your whole family has different orders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just get five covers. Jesus, I get cracked. So much stuff. Johnny Carbonara, thank you so much for coming on the Off Menu Podcast what a great menu we'll see you soon, bye bye thank you Johnny, goodbye

1:11:08well there we are Johnny Pelham, what a lovely episode

1:11:11James Acaster: an honour, a pleasure and a privilege a pleasure and a priv I think that is the most we've nearly led a guest to choosing the secret ingredient and I hope the listeners will forgive me that I basically came clean and said to Johnny that is the secret ingredient I think we had to. Because, look, he hadn't heard of it. He wasn't going to choose it. It wasn't going to be on his menu. But we were almost telling him, like, no, you'd like them, Johnny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, oh, I might try one. And I thought that might happen when I brought up saltfish. Saltfish? When I brought up saltfish fritters.

1:11:44Because you made them sound similar. You were saying about... I mean, I guess it's a similar sort of base. It's like batter-based, right? Yeah. But I thought that might happen. But I thought, surely James isn't cruel enough to try and lead them down.

1:11:53James Acaster: I wasn't going to try and lead them on. And then I remembered who I was dealing with. I thought we've got to clarify that these aren't Johnny Cakes. Yes. So I clarified it, but then obviously I'd forgotten why we'd chosen Johnny Cakes because his name is Johnny. So obviously Johnny was then like, oh. Yeah, Johnny Cakes. Johnny Cakes, that's me. What are those? They sound nice. I might try one. I was like, uh-oh. Uh-oh, he's going to put it on the menu. What have I done? Yeah. This isn't fair. It wasn't on the menu. It wasn't. For those people who still seem to think that the secret ingredient is if a guest mentions them at all, they get kicked out.

1:12:22That would be crazy. No, it's if it's on their menu.

1:12:26James Acaster: If it's on their menu, why would it be if they just say it? Yeah. That's crazy. Thank you, Johnny. That's crazy. That's crazy stuff. Johnny Pelham's fantastic. So good. Go and see Johnny do stand-up. Yeah. And Johnny's at the Edinburgh Fringe with his show, Is It Me? Until the 25th of August. For tickets, go to edfringe.com. It might even be the Edinburgh Festival now. It might be right now that you're listening to this episode. So go and see Johnny's show. Go and see Johnny's show. Very, very funny man. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you next time. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

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