Joy Crookes

0:12Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the Malteser of conversation, sucking off the chocolate of bad vibes and letting the friendship melt across your tongue. You didn't like that, James? No. Ed Gamble there! Off my new podcast. My name is James Acastle and that is Ed Gamble. Oakley doakley do Neighbourinos and her? God's sake. What? Why are you being Flanders again? I thought it'd be a good thing to start doing. I think the longer this podcast goes on for I think the more we have to like bring in new things that we do that are like running jokes. I agree. But it's not why is that because you've done this for another podcast today which has been out already.

0:52Yeah. But I guarantee you will forget the next time we record to be Flanders. Well, you know, a bit of fun for the listeners. Well, they'll be able to tell because these go on YouTube now so you'll be wearing the same thing. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, if people work out which two episodes we record on the same day, Benito will send us on Shopping Boy. Oh yeah, good point. That's a good new running idea. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah. Hey, Benito, don't have a cow man that is a gamble my name is James Acaster Bart isn't that Bart yeah together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest and ask their favourite ever start a make or dessert side dish and drink and this week our guest is Joy Crooks Joy Crooks a very talented musician singer and producer and all of these businesses James all of these businesses I saw Joy at Glastonbury yes absolutely fantastic set one of the most talked about sets at Glastonbury I would say By you or by everyone?

1:48By everyone. I mean, when I was at the festival, a lot of people were saying that was one of the best things they'd seen. And then you come out of the festival and you see all the press and all the stuff about it. And it was coming up all the time there as well. So, you know, I think... You wouldn't catch me going to that place, but I'm happy for Joy and I'm excited to talk to her. Yeah. For the listener, Eddie finds it impossible to hear about Glastonbury without having to assert that he wouldn't go. Well, as everyone, I think, who wouldn't go to Glastonbury. Yeah. It's like, it's a reflex. They have to go.

2:19I would never go to that. It's very boring, but I think we all do it. I like it. Yeah. I like it. I would not go. Joy's new album, Juniper, is out now. So make sure you listen to that. We're going to ask Joy about it as well. But listen, we love Joy Crooks. But if Joy says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we'll have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Almond Joy. Almond Joy. You've picked this one, James. Obviously, Joy. It's a chocolate bar in America. Yes. It's basically like a bounty for the UK listeners, which is most of you.

2:51But it's got the word joy in it. Yeah, it's simple. Simply all the thought I've put into it there. Done. Why does it say toast on this press release? The PR. Your dog is the PR for Joy Crooks. Your dog started doing PR. Man. Oh, no. I don't know how good toast is going to be at PR. We're going to end up interviewing like a ball. Yeah. Benito, we're going to end up interviewing a ball. what would if a dog was a PR who would they get on a ball and a bone and a bone and a cat they've chased into the studio a postie yeah a postie you should speak to the postie I'll get you the postie that guy's doing so well at the moment and it would just be a trap for the postie yeah it would be a trap for the postie yeah and toast gets him when he comes in the studio I should be in the studio for the postie you should let me in I should be there make sure everything goes smoothly you guys should speak to my favourite food Toast's such a crazy PR but does represent Joy Crooks it does come good sometimes yeah so that's good this episode will be on YouTube tomorrow yeah people can see us in front of the Richard and Judy kind of set that Benito's built in the studio if Toast signs off on the video yeah Toast has to sign off he's very strict as a PR rep agent so hopefully he'll sign off on it it'll be okay he has to come in to do that though because he can't use the online one.

4:17Yeah. Is there his paws? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He has to come in. He's a dog, for goodness sake. Oh, I don't know. I'll sign off on this. It can go on the internet. Have you given any more thought to the postie episode? And the ball, please. This is the off-menu menu of Joy Crooks.

4:40Welcome, Joy, to the dream restaurant. Thanks. Hello. Welcome Joy Crooks to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. How's it going? Good. We only just, you were commenting on the cameras before we started and I've only just like, that bit there that I just did. Yeah. I was a lot more comfortable doing that when we weren't being filmed every single time. I knew people weren't going to watch full episodes and see me do it. Right. Because in the past, they can just imagine me bursting out of a lamp like a genie. But now they're seeing me just doing that. Yeah. And it's a bit more embarrassing.

5:11I feel like I'm just in a state of shock because you were both really subdued when I walked in and that just really felt like... Yeah, we turn it on for the cameras. Yeah, and it's not a bad thing. You know, you have to sometimes. I'm going to conserve some energy, Joe. That really, really shocked me. Wow. Hello. Sometimes we have had to warn people, had to warn Ed Sheeran. Yeah, but you would have to warn Ed Sheeran. He has a pond you can swim in. Does he? He's got a pond? Yeah. He's got like one of them, I call them the billionaire ponds because it's basically a pond that they've now rebranded ponds to look like posh swimming pools because you can swim in them.

5:47But they've got like algae in them and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know someone who's got a billionaire's pond. It really like blows my mind how you can just rebrand things, you know, like a pond, algae. But now that a billionaire owns it, it's okay. I didn't know about this. Like Mr. Darcy. Well, yeah, I mean, it kind of, it's a bit E. coli-ish, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't. I went to a party at someone's house and he had that pond. Did everyone leave with E. coli? Possibly, but I mean, I didn't because they were like, and later on in the party, I hope you brought your trunks. We're all going to go for a swim.

6:17I'm not going for a swim at a party. They have leeches. Yeah. There's no doubt. It's full of leeches. Yeah. I pulled a leech off someone once because I didn't know you were meant to put salt on it. Oh, yeah. Okay. What year was this? Two years ago. Leeches? Two years ago. Yeah, Canada. They've got snapping turtles as well. Yeah. Just like aggro turtles, which is a bit weird. But I didn't get on the wrong side of them. That was okay. But basically, a mate walks out of a big lake. There's loads of lakes there. In fact, more lakes than ever, I think. Yeah, they love lakes. They love it. But isn't it like one of the most lake-filled places in the world?

6:53Yeah. Lake-filled. Big time. Great lakes. This is how you know I call geography advanced colouring. But she just walked out of this lake and she had a leech on her foot. And I saw it because, you know, you walk out of the weird ladder thing. and I was behind her and I thought, oh, God, you shouldn't have that on you and I just went and yanked it off. Yeah. But you're not meant to do that is what the Canadians tell me. Because they're sucking blood, right, at this point. I don't know. I just was like, you're not meant to be there, mate. You're not paying rent. That's not your foot. And then I didn't put the salt on and I just pulled it off.

7:25Yeah. Was it painful? Well, it wasn't her. It was on someone else. I didn't really know her that well either. I just pulled it. I said, oh, God. And then just chucked it back in. Yeah. didn't go for me though see I didn't know you were supposed to put salt on the leech I didn't know they were supposed to put salt I know you weren't meant to pull it off because it can then puke back into your body it's sucking the blood and as you pull it it can go and then puke the blood back inside you into the body well thanks very much give it back yeah not with added puke though yeah but maybe their puke's got like Ed Sheeran pond effects I don't know yeah it might be healing healing properties it could be good for you people just don't know that yeah yeah good old Leech Puke I'm so glad we could get this out of the way we've been thinking about it all morning yeah no I mean I could see you had that ready to go when you came in I really did it was really scratching my mind I hope we talk about Leech Puke sounds like a band I would listen to before we started the podcast Joy did say to us I'd really like to talk about Leech Puke and not my new album Juniper Please that was what you said what a lovely link into the promo section yeah yeah that was really well done for that very excited about this new album as a lot of people are I saw you at Glastonbury it was fantastic oh thanks what can you tell people about this I mean there's a lot of guests I'm excited about and the singles have sounded great but where are you with it now how long do you have to sit with the album before it comes out this one about 763 years wow that's a long time actually it was a while well it felt that way but no I really like this album actually and I like performing it I realised I like I like it I realised I liked it along the way but I realised I really like it because I go to rehearsals now and I'm rehearsing for tour at the moment and I'm really enjoying playing the music and that is a good sign that's a really good sign yeah imagine if you're in there going oh no I've been there yeah there are things where I've been like oh Jesus and like also just when it doesn't feel like we're getting the music but I get on I call my band the mates we're called Joy Crooks and the mates and they really are my mates they're just such a funny bunch of boys and then just playing the music feels really good and I don't know I feel like I can connect to it quite easily and relate to the topics even though I wrote it a little while ago do you ever sit down to like rehearse for the tour and come up with stuff for the songs that you're like oh I should have had that on the album all the time like you add a little something all the time it drives me nuts it really drives me crazy there's like guitar riffs I come up with at the moment I'm playing Omnicord in one of the songs that we've like plugged through this is really boring music stuff plugged through a guitar pedal so it sounds really cool and I'm just like why did I not do that why did I not play Omnicord during Glastonbury yeah don't worry about boring music stuff we're music nerds we're here for it well yeah I just there's always something I feel like I could have added with my vocals as well why did I not go there there and I did that on the record you know there's always something but I think that's what makes live so fun because you can just have a new version of um the tunes in your own way have you ever released a live album sorry never would you do it probably if I didn't think it sounded shy yeah well that's yeah that's we assume that that's a given yeah yeah okay do you have do you have any favorite live albums by other artists that you because I think I think they get overlooked quite a lot but the good ones yeah great unplugged one of the best nirvana and lauren's unplugged are just like ridiculous yeah but like yeah kirk gebain's unplugged is just unreal i actually haven't listened to it in 10 years or something i used to listen to it a bunch when i was a kid my dad just really loved um that record and it would be on all the time and i don't know that that specific setup and also strangely the acoustic guitars like lauren's acoustic guitar she didn't even play it that well um but it wasn't about that uh and and kurtz i don't know it just sounded it the sound was amazing and it was funny how you can connect to such a like bare-boned version of those tunes which is testament to the fact that the tunes are insanely good you know yeah it made me appreciate his voice even more that album definitely it's like i think i've maybe took it for granted a bit on the noisier album the band albums but like with that unplugged one you really hear how good his voice is it's mad totally and you hear how good the riffs are too because you can put them on acoustic guitars and they still bang you know so you can't do Omnicord unplugged though that's the one thing you'll have to you can because it's battery powered actually blam that doesn't feel like within the spirit of the unplugged to have battery powered well maybe we have different spirits yeah that's true yeah yeah everyone's allowed to have different spirits but if I think I came to see you do unplugged and you were using a battery powered Omnicord I'd be like that's not a loophole I appreciate I should probably have like a you know what Joni Mitchell played on her lap like those heart things what are they called a lyre well it looks like a nominacord but it is an actual like thing I don't know it looks like something you knit with or like make a rug with like a loom yeah that I only found out what they were called the other day I looked at my friend has one in her house and I looked at it and I was like oh that's a nice little knitty thing isn't it and she was like oh no that's a loom and now I know what a loom is now you know what that is as a lyricist when you pick up stuff like that you're like oh yeah put that that's a nice word i'm gonna put that in a song loom it's funny you should mention this because i have a little problem with words even though i'm a lyricist so um my boyfriend made me a book called joyisms which is british proverbs that i annihilate by accident and say with pure confidence um yesterday i did one um i said make yourselves home oh yeah make yourselves home yeah all my mates are over for an Indian takeaway I think that's nice though it's wrong though it's wrong it's definitely wrong they get worse okay fruits of my labia was one yeah that's a bad one that's chapter one that's chapter one of joyism you take a breath and they take a mile yeah great what does that mean?

13:37yeah what does that mean? the sky is the ocean is something I said well that sounds like I might have said it to someone younger than me when they were asking for advice and I was like, look, the sky is the ocean. You're like Del Boy. They came away from that chat being like, I'm more confused than I was going in. Literally, I used to say half a dozen, three of the other as well. I never really knew what that meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't mean anything. Two sides of the same cloth. And I just get them wrong all the time. I said grandma's tales the other day. It's old wives' tales, isn't it?

14:10Yeah. But that, I mean, grandmas can be old wives as well, right? My friends thought I meant actual, like, cat tails. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. Yeah. So, yes, I hear words like loom, but there's a 98 % chance I'm going to say it. Either say it wrong or put it into the wrong thing. You know what I'm saying? If you say Fruits of the Loom... Fruits of the Loom. That's just a popular t-shirt brand. That's a really good t-shirt. Yeah, I love those t-shirts. Fruits of the Loom, I always think of when I used to go to gigs and then come out and the guys are selling the knock-off merch outside. They're always better, though.

14:46Well, no, because certainly the ones I've bought in the past are like the logo screen printed over the Fruits of the Loom logo, so you can still see Fruits of the Loom showing through. It's a viva. That's kind of the vibe. Yeah, that's the vibe. Yeah, I think so.

15:03We always start with still a sparkling water, Joy. Do you have a preference? Always sparkling. Always. Now, singers don't always say always sparkling water because of the burp factor. I'm not just any singer. I'm a sparkling water singer. Yeah. This is Joy Crooks we've got in the studio, man. It's a shame that this is a podcast, really, because I was going to show you my burp dance. But luckily, we've got these strangely horizontal cameras. We've got big, long cameras. So basically, everyone always asks me, there's this one dance move I do where I do this on stage. Oh, nice. But just massive burps every time.

15:39Huge ones. sometimes I go over to my bass player to look like we've got some chemistry. I'm burping straight into his face. That's chemistry of a sort, I suppose. Straight burp. You know when cats cough, it looks like that as well. Poor fucking guy. So really you're turning away, you're burping, but you're keeping your mouth shut. You're not doing like a... I can do multiple different kinds of burps. Can you take a sip? I can burp through my nose. Can you? Yeah. You never had that one where it just feels like you... Especially with sparkling water. Yeah. Especially if it's a good one, like a Vicky Catalan.

16:10What is it? Vicky Catalan? Vicky Catalan? No, it's Vicky Catalan. It's Vicky Catalan. I'm going to trust you on that, am I? When I have Vicky. I'm going to trust Fruit of the Labia on what they're having. Vicky Catalan. When I have Vicky, I burp out my nose. Just consistently out the nose. because you've given me a coffee. Yeah. But you can just, and it just comes out the nose. Yeah. I know what you mean. It's not like out of your nostrils it makes a burp sound. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That's what Edward's thinking. You're burping in the mouth and you're releasing it through the nose.

16:38You're not burping straight out the nose. It's like a bit of both. Can I just say really quickly, sorry to sidetrack, but you've got a green shirt on, a white mug, and like slightly orange trousers. Have you heard of the Instagram page Accidentally Island? No. Do you mind if I take a picture of you? Yeah, yeah. Is it going straight to Accidentally Island? I'm going to go on Accidentally Island. Yeah, because you've got the Irish flag on by accident. Yeah, I've accidentally worn the Irish flag. No, it's the white mug too. Yes, the white mug's done it. Do you know what? White guy? It's an honour.

17:10I'm a very white man. You'd have to have like a crop top on, then you can have white midriff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I made a mistake this morning when I was getting dressed. Should have put the crop top on. I hate when that happens. Look, you know, I've never been happier to accidentally be a country in Ireland. Great. So thank you. You're so welcome. I'm looking forward to being on that Instagram page. Sorry for the sidetrack. No, no, not at all. We love that. we love a side track so you're going to have sparkling water now you shouted out the Vicky Catalana or whatever what's it actually called I think it's Vicky Catalan but I'm happy to go with Vicky Catalan I believe you he's right he's always right it's Vicky like a Vicky like a Vicky like a Vicky not like a Vicky the Swedish oh but like Vicky Vicky Catalan I don't know what the Swedish that's why I just go can I have that one please is he Swedish a Vicky the DJ guy I think so I don't know I don't know this person maybe you don't know this person You said you're a music nerd.

18:05You don't know who Avicii is? No. I said we were music nerds. Between us, we've got it covered. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say each to their own, right? Yeah. I don't know Avicii. I know DJ Lethal. If we're talking to DJs. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I'm really into MC Bin Laden. Okay, you can say that. I've not heard of MC Bin Laden. You know about Baile Funk, right? The music of the favelas. The Brazilian, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the best ones is called MC Bin Laden. I'm not joking. and they call it the the brazilians um the like brazilian people have messaged me saying oh this is a song called bolololo ha ha ha ha and um by mc bernardin and they're like this is actually our national anthem like unofficial national anthem i'm gonna listen to that as soon as we finish it because i'm only becoming like vaguely familiar with that genre i don't even know what it's called but i know that some people like jpeg mafia did a song that was like sampling by the funk yeah so I was like that's really all I know about it so I was like I didn't know it was a thing until like that song and I was like oh it's like this is the first time I'm hearing it quite big on the internet at the minute oh it's so good yeah it's so so good but that hearing it through JPEG Mafia is a little bit like hearing about Nando's through an American yes okay you know or like Morley's through an American it's just not the same thing is it no I'm not saying that no I'm not saying that you are but I'm just saying what I'm saying is I'm not well versed yeah yeah no I get that that was an analogy yes is MC Bin Laden named after Osama or is it just a coincidence because Osama was related to loads of Bin Ladens yeah that's true it could have been like Jared Bin Laden Jared Bin Laden yep do you know about Bin Laden's son I was reading about he's a goth now yeah he's a goth so it could be just after his goth son yeah he's a metalhead he lives in England he's a massive metalhead yeah obviously I get to serve that on the algorithm I love that we've gone from sparkling water to Osama Bin Laden yeah yeah We're just covering all the important stuff and the accidentally island outfit and you for getting a crop top.

20:01Joy, just in case you're wondering, all of those things were you. You brought all those up. What? We've gone. Did I? God, we're really talking about all these different things. We're crazy. Wait, how did I talk about that? I don't even know. So yes, Vicky Catalan. Yes. Sparkling water. Because have you also seen those men on the internet that there's a man that's a professional sparkling water head and he can guess every sparkling water. and it's like from New York, Italian, and knows exactly which is which, which is kind of amazing, just testament to the fact that sparkling water is so flavourful.

20:34Yes, and it can be, and something very different. I mean, Vicky, our old friend Vicky, she's salty. So salty. Yeah. And then Badua. Do you know Badua? Sorry? I don't know it. Badoit? Badua. Badua. B-A-D. Badawa. Badawa. Yeah. A very light sparkle, a very gentle sparkle. That's nice. Yeah. But is it secretly aggressive? Possibly. Like a submarine. Yeah. Submarine water, yeah. Yeah, in the esophagus. It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it, doesn't it? Sparkling water. Yeah. It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does. I think if I realised that my palate was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters, even though I'd recognise that that is a talent that not a lot of people have I don't know if I would pursue it I think it would be too boring I think you'd be a performative male if you did that a performative male?

21:34yeah I mean you're quite a performative male is there any other type of male? yeah well, kinda there's like Premier League male there's Champions League male depending on where your prem is and then there's performative males and do you think a Prem and Champion League male will have a matchup? Probably not. Can you talk us through the Premier League and Championship males? And then why are they football-based and then why do we go straight down to... I'm just giving you examples of other types of males. Other types of males, yeah. Can you give us, maybe through like celebrities, who's a Premier League male, who's a Champions League male and why?

22:12Yeah. Let me think of a celebrity that's a Premier League male. They can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. or they could be they could be Arsenal I'm Arsenal okay okay wait let me think or what are the qualities a celebrity what kind of celebrity are we talking well I don't know because I don't know what the okay so like Romesh Ranganathan yeah he's definitely a Champions a Champions League and a Prem male because he's Arsenal so we're both now right but hold on but what about his personality makes him that but it's really performative male of you both to go to the to the football staff and not focus on performative males.

22:51We don't know what they are, Joy. Okay, I'll give an example. Joy, I'm starting to get annoyed now. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. Okay, let's make it easier. When you're at a football match and you're, let's say a performative male goes to a football match, this is going to be really, really important. You've lost me already when you're at a football match. The male is going to have like a Carlsberg, right? Right. But the performative male is having an asahi. Right. I'm having an asahi. but isn't performative not since you're just doing it for everyone else basically yeah you've had a matcher on your way to the Emirates and at the Emirates you're not just having an Asahi you're having an Asahi from the self pouring station right yeah yeah but that sounds nice yeah no it does sound nice but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do and he probably has like a carabiner on and oh no they're helpful for holding your keys that's why carabiner's useful you can clip your keys onto your jeans yeah Well, I like carabiners, but that's a different story.

23:47But we're getting lost here. Okay? I'm completely lost. Just use the Asahi and Carlsberg reference. No, I get it. James, I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male. I'm aware that performative male is being leveled at both of us. Yeah. But I'm trying to figure out what that says about us. Do you watch Meditations of an Anxious Mind? No. No. Oh, he's a funny fellow from Dublin called Frankie. And he goes around and just makes cultural observations. and his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind and he does a whole sector on like performative males and I think maybe on top of the Bin Laden homework obviously MC Bin Laden homework that you're doing maybe you should add that to the list as well.

24:31Yeah. Same birthday as me, Osama Bin Laden. No way. Yeah. What's that? March 10th. That's a nice day. Me, Osama Bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, Jon Hamm. I'm David Cameron and Bala Hadid. So all the best people in the world. Pretty good, yeah, yeah. All my favourite people, actually. Pop-lums or bread! Pop-lums or bread, Joy Brooks! Pop-lums or bread! Joy spilled her coffee. I've just spilled the coffee. The best. I did it. I finally did it. I made someone spill their drink. I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second. Yeah. Oh, I am. And I would have gone, that's it, that's the most performative male thing you've done today.

25:07I think bread or poff-dums is potentially one of the most offensive things you could ask me.

25:14yeah yeah okay so my mum's Bangladeshi and my dad's Irish so that's like asking me to choose between mum and dad you know yeah we should change the question to mum or dad mum or dad I should shout mum or dad at people yeah well it wouldn't work for everyone no it wouldn't work for everyone would it some people would be like oh obviously my grandma yeah or neither or I'm an orphan yeah I'm an orphan would be yeah but we've got a very strict rule in the podcast we don't have orphans no orphans no orphans it's too it's too traumatic isn't it and it's not about trauma bonding it's about taste bonds yeah right I love soda bread and I love poppadoms yeah I ate poppadoms last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning but instead for breakfast I had a chicken biryani and a protein shake 10 o 'clock this morning yeah a biryani 10 o 'clock this morning was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh you're cooking it fresh at 10 it's never going to be yummy at 10 is it if you cook it fresh but like it's nicer than the night before yeah so good great keeps cooking in the fridge I think I agree with you yeah yeah it just yeah it ruminates yeah it ruminates it marinates yeah ruminates and marinates yeah that would be the name of if I ever had a restaurant ruminate marinate ruminates and marinates no I think it'd just be called housewife I want everything to be called housewife why?

26:37don't know just like the word yeah so what are you doing tonight housewife? yeah just sounds right yeah I can't really choose between the two sorry have both yeah yeah let you have both I think it's a reasonable like some people might try and hack the system and say both but your one is quite a personal reason yeah it's your parents yeah you know it's also not going to look good on us yeah you don't want to look cancelled is basically you don't want to get cancelled you don't want that's not real is it well no it isn't I'm not afraid of getting cancelled yeah because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway yeah it's not real stop moaning Jimmy Carr you're not cancelled which one's Jimmy Carr again yeah exactly but you wouldn't know because it's cancelled that's why you don't know he has the one with the suits yes he did the don't laugh don't laugh at all don't laugh at all he hosts don't laugh at all that show is huge don't laugh at all yeah he hosts don't laugh at all and Richard but yes I'd love if it was called don't laugh at all don't laugh don't laugh at all did you try to play it when I was on the telly no I tried to not laugh no I play Guess the Fee when I watch that show.

27:41Oh yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everyone will have different ones, isn't it? It's a sliding scale on Don't Love At All. Wow. I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy. The dread time? Dread time of comedy, yeah. What do you mean? I mean like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industries. Like obviously, I love a good music bitch. We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. Can't repeat what was said, obviously, but it's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry.

28:11Yeah, I think about that a lot. Yeah, I really, I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys. Yeah, welcome. Guess the fee is bitchy. Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah, it's fun as well though. You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but also the lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft. Oh, is it? Yeah. that's not cheap shit I'll tell you that for free I cannot imagine Richard IWID in lycra I can well you don't need to I couldn't make eye contact you can't look at a man in lycra no I don't know how people do fibresides when that happens surely eye contact is what you want with the lycra because there's no lycra on the eyes it's the one bit that you can look at yeah but you always accidentally look at people's cocks when they're in lycra yeah sure That's why you're meant to wear shorts over it.

29:07Yeah, yeah. You know when men just wear leggings? That's crazy. No shorts. It's a violation. Let's get into your menu proper now. Your dream starter. This was a difficult one for me. So I really like ham on Iberico. Oh, yeah. But I also really like sausage butties. So I thought for a starter, I would have a sausage butty and ham on Iberico moment. Talk us through the moment. How's it presenting itself as a moment? Well, Hammond and Berico is extremely expensive these days. And since we're living in the throes of late-stage capitalism and the economy is just burning all around us and we're all struggling and the world is becoming a dark, dark fascist place, Hammond and Berico is not the easiest thing to have financially.

29:50So we do have to take that into account. In your dream restaurant. So in your dream restaurant, we're in late-stage capitalism. No, no, no. In my dream restaurant, it's 2002. Okay, so that's fine. oh why specifically pre-2008 isn't it yes maybe the 90s actually leather was better than so no early 2000s had good cleavage though we want some like cleavage in the restaurant so we want 90s leather yeah early 2000s cleavage yeah and what ham and berico prices from then right yeah definitely yeah but it's like more expensive than gold you know it's like kind of crazy um but yeah so like ham and berico and a sausage body but specifically richmond sausage oh wow lovely we don't do like we don't we don't do the posh stuff at all so you want yeah don't do fucking oregano and the fucking sausage and cumberland schmumberland yeah i do i do the oregano and the cumberland formative mail yeah is that but yeah big time Agreed.

30:56And you also just admitted that sometimes you might leave the house just with the leggings on. By accident, Joy. I'm putting the shorts on. I don't want everyone seeing my Richmond. Seeing my Richmond. Richmond. Seeing my Richmond is something I didn't think I'd hear today. I do believe it would like Richmond. Yeah, yeah. So you want like a sausage bussy that you get in like a calf, like the Richmond sausages. And white bread. And is the barricade in there? No, no, no, you can't do that. I want that. But you can choose because it's obviously how you want to eat it. You describe it. It makes me just want to get a handful of the Iberico.

31:34Just shove it in the thing. Put it in there with the Richmond sausages. To be fair, Iberico is always with some really hard bread that could have potentially cost a lot of money at the dentist if eaten incorrectly, which has happened to me before. But with soft bread, Iberico actually might be amazing with like a good, what's the name of the bread that is just white? Like King's Mill? Like a King's Mill? Mighty White? no i think that's like a i think that might be a neo-nazi thing sorry that's it there is a bread called mighty white but i'm interested to know if it's still going because i don't support reform it does sound like something written on a saint george's cross yeah no actually a georgian a georgian cross yeah yeah because they don't even know which one's which yeah that would yeah as soon as i said mighty white and i saw the look on your face i was like i know where this is

32:27i was like oh right i've got him um so yeah i think that i just look i'll be honest with you i've earned enough to eat small plates and i'm never full and it's not actually the food that makes me happy like my my best food discovery recently was um these biscuits called dove farm and it looks posh but actually it's just a digestive that feels like before Jamie Oliver ruined everything with sugar tax. Here we go. This is the proper we've touched on ways that the UK are divided and I think one of the main ways is people who think what Jamie Oliver did is appalling. You think Jug Rice is not appalling?

33:10All of that stuff fine but the stopping kids eating shit it was good I think. But that's what you're meant to do when you're a kid so you're meant to be you visit in school where one of the kids was so ill they were shitting out their mouths your teeth fall out for a reason you want kids to shit out their mouths Joy I shit out my mouth every day when my mouth shite that comes out of mine still survive what were we talking about oh yeah sugar tax so how does that apply so like sweet digestives yeah dub farm yeah just something else like you take a bite and you're transported to well at least for me what I would have been was born in 98 so what age would I have been in nursery like how old are you in nursery three you sound like you have kids no I don't I'm just tired you just care just generally tired oh yeah I just don't want I don't have kids I just don't want other kids to shit out their mouths right yeah the thing that chipped you off that Ed might have kids is because he thought it was good to make sure kids get a healthy diet yeah and he must have kids classic dad yeah I was like classic dad yeah doesn't want kids to shit out their mouths god you're better than all of us we know so yeah like any food that transports me to when I was a kid in a good way just makes me feel really happy I know that's a basic thing to say no it was great like butties I used to have butties before I did Irish dancing competitions how did that affect the dancing yeah I think that's where I I think it's potentially how I got IBS yeah Irish bowel syndrome yeah Irish buddy syndrome sorry I was so close both just as good as each other yeah yeah Irish party syndrome is better than Irish bowel syndrome Irish party syndrome was a real problem for me so you think that was having the the butty before the dance competition it was just the thing that my dad was like you just have to do that yeah so it was encouraged he was encouraged he was like look you're really nervous and what will get rid of the nerves is some Richmond sausages with some white bread and Kerrygold I know that you have got your little thing with our anchor but I just I have a love for Kerrygold as you should it's a big thing on the podcast when we've had Irish guests on they often shout out Kerrygold at some point during the episode so I'm glad you've done it as well thanks I think that sounds delicious on the way here I saw an advert for Iberico which I haven't I didn't know that it was like a brand all by itself it just said Iberico and there was this guy Jose Martinez there's a guy holding up a bit of Iberico like that to the camera it was was it Pep Guardiola maybe maybe it was Pep yeah things have gone downhill so I have to start selling the Embericos I've been shifting ham see I don't know what Pep looks like I know enough about football to know that he is a manager maybe of Man City yeah and he used to be a model ok I didn't know that yeah and now he's a ham model yeah potentially he sells ham yeah yeah I'd love to be a ham model I'd love to be a ham model yeah ham or ham both I think I guess you've got to hold the ham what kind of ham though you obviously know what ham I would have but I'm a big Iberico guy as well I absolutely love Iberico and there is there's a place right down there on the corner the Jose place it's really good stuff De Belota that means that they're fed with acorns and you can taste it as well yeah yeah you can it's a nutty flavour isn't it yeah yeah what are you putting in the sandwich you've got the Kerrygold butter sauce Richmond well if you're going to be flavourful like ketchup and a little bit of sriracha or just ketchup yeah

36:47your main course i had a really like this was a nightmare for me because i was stuck between the two so i'm kind of like you have to let me get away with this okay all right so the main course and side dish i kind of have to work together because that's the only way we're going to let this happen but basically the first thing i thought of when you when i heard main course was spaghetti bolognese I'm just going to be honest I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for that I know it's like having it's like a velcro moment you know it makes you feel uncomfortable but we all know the feeling you know and that's what spaghetti bolognese is for me are we going to ask questions?

37:25I don't know because when Joy says stuff like this we have questions but when we ask them I feel like I know what you're going to say I feel like we're seen as silly for not understanding being idiots for not understanding Velcro moment and like I mean there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti bolognese pretty much everyone loves spaghetti bolognese but then like Italians will get me shit it makes you feel uncomfortable it's like a Velcro moment and I don't know what that means about spaghetti bolognese at all because like okay it just made sense in my brain but basically I turned 27 recently and I asked for a fry tag bag because they're like really durable and like you could literally like you know be in the worst weather ever and it would be fine they won't get damaged and i really like practical things it might be a potential gay thing i don't know but being 27 and having velcro is really okay it's really humbling because we've all been there right we've all had velcro shoes or like velcro something because there was a time we couldn't tie things up so there's something really warming and like nice about it and and nostalgic but at the same time i just feel like a wallad on the tube when I'm trying to get my fucking lip liner out and there's just you know 27 trying to like maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube and then the next thing you know the velcro happens and although it's it's a familiar feeling it's nonetheless an embarrassing one and that's how I feel about spaghetti wall and eggs that's absolutely perfect I completely understand now James?

39:01no come on James come on James I don't understand it's nostalgic it makes you feel good but from the outside perspective it's quite sort of remedial and childish yes? yes normally it has to normally I have to translate what James has said to the guest this is the first time I've had to do it the other way around but it's nice to know I can always be the middle man in every situation well done man, I feel good I understand both of you You're smashing it. Thank you. Okay, got you. Do you? I think so. Yes. The confusing thing about the Velcro thing was the fact that you were using the 27 thing. So I was like, that's so young.

39:47But I felt like you were using it like 27 was not. But it's old for Velcro. It's old for Velcro. Yeah. I'm not going to sit here and play my tiny violin. I left it at home. I did buy one. A tiny violin? Yeah. How small are we talking? It's this big. Yeah. So like what's that like small? Yeah, small. And then it comes with a bow and it has this little button on it because it's battery powered. So you can use it in unplugged? Yeah, you can literally press down on the button bit but that's where the bow would go and it plays a tiny little sad tune. That's good. Sometimes when you're recording music and you have like novel things like that around because they're so novel do you really hope it'll work on the song?

40:31Is it really gutting if you do record them and listen back and go that's not it you can make it work though because you can manipulate it afterwards can't you you can change the pitch and make it work but I just like it because my mates it's just all my boyfriend who start gabbing on about something I just get the tiny vine in that just press it down like that yeah and he wonders how he's ever going to spoon me again

40:58that's what he's wondering is it I think so yeah yeah yeah is the spaghetti bolognese homemade yeah it has to be it could be made by like a nonna but like i feel like a nonna would be just cussing me out and i just don't want to be cussed by an auntie and i think if we're having this dream restaurant i don't think genies are gonna allow any kind of cussing we're just like angry like angry auntie energy i could deal with like a funny auntie yeah you know one that kind of smokes in the kitchen type of thing yeah that's cool that's cool yeah so i think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen and it's kind of a little bit fit in like a way where you're like when you're in your 20s you're a big problem you can see the history in the eyes yeah still a little sparkle yeah I have an Italian name I came up with yeah I have like an Italian alter ego my Italian name is John Cena John Cena

41:54you're not pronouncing it right sorry your Italian name is John Cena yeah yeah and is that where you've got it from by accident yeah i said it out loud and then my boyfriend said the exact same thing he said john cena yeah i was like oh well that's it oh you're glad to see me so there's auntie in the kitchen that smokes fags and is a little bit fit her name is john cena yeah okay and is it if you look closely is it clearly john cena wearing a wearing a wig yes yeah yes it is yeah good on him yeah yeah good for him so that's what we'll have for mains oh you and you get um we actually have a refill station but it's just for parmesan okay you like a lot of parmesan on there and you want to keep refreshing it as you're going along so i don't like when everyone puts it all at the top what i think you need to have is the little tub and then layer that layer go in for the next layer that's nice that layer yeah great that's how i do it when you say refill station i'm imagining like a drinks yeah exactly that so you're pushing it's just like dandruffy fucking yeah yeah also the parmesan isn't going to be like them weird shaved ones it's going to be like like that needs head and shoulders type of parmesan yeah like really really psoriasis-y but proper parmesan like just grated heavily yeah just great not like shit parmesan no no no it's not shit it's like whatever what's the passion called like Grim Parmesan.

43:20Grana Padano? No, that's the cheat one, actually. I didn't even realise. I always thought I was doing a solid by buying that. It was cheap. So fucking Parmesan. It's B-Tech Parmesan. What's the posh Parmesan called, Benito? Holco Hugano? Holco Hugano. Yeah. It was called that. Stony or cold. Yeah, I put Parmigiano Reggiano, surely. Parmigiano Reggiano. Yeah. Sounds made up, doesn't it? It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head. But it's like a big one, like one of them big wheels. That's like the right colour. Have you ever seen them crack the wheel? Excuse me? Have you ever seen them crack the wheel?

43:57I've never seen anyone crack the wheel. A fresh wheel, completely covered, and then they have to put in like spikes at the side and then they like tap the spikes in and then you hear a crack. Oh, it's that hard? Yeah, it's like a loud crack and the whole thing lifts off. That's really interesting. I've never heard of that. I will watch that on TikTok. Yeah, it's good. It's satisfying. I've seen it happen live and it's a wonderful experience. I wonder if there's like an omen for that. An omen? Like if you crack a, you know, like we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one. Yeah. You never really know him until he cracks a wheel.

44:31Until he cracks a wheel. Yeah. Yeah, I think that works. That's a good one. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. Which one would you do? I'm not sure I could improve on that, Joy. Okay. I mean. You smashed it. You got it first time, I think. Yeah. sometimes you've got to admit you get it first time nothing but net I think nothing but net that's my one I've come up with that nothing but net yeah that's me I made that one like net worth or like yeah nothing but net worth that's about Richard Owaddy and his buttery smooth light his buttery smooth light

45:08side dish so this was actually really difficult because this was what I was battling with with main but because this is my restaurant I can do whatever the fuck I want or my menu I can do what I want so my favourite Bangladeshi food in the world is called borda which is like pastes made of anything of your liking but every paste is dedicated to a main ingredient so you can have like a prawn borda you can have an okra you can have like classic ones like a lentil or a potato borda but every single um the rules of bodda is it's made with garlic onion sometimes not garlic because sometimes it is just all freshly um ground ingredients and there's always mustard oil in it so it has like a really strong like petrally taste and the usual thing that people do is you either roll it up into a ball and have all these different colors in front of you and you just pick at them and eat them with white rice or some of them are a bit more like um my mom makes a tomato one so it's quite runny but it's like it's literally like almost like salsas but all these things made of really intense flavors um or you bring out the most intensity of a flavor so i love prawn but it isn't like the strongest flavor ever but when you add like mustard oil and onion and all these things it's just like exploding the flavor um and you eat it with your hands so you have to like take it and like crump it into a kind of ball with with white rice and it's just like the best thing ever i think Nice.

46:38So that would be the side. So there are things to go alongside specific ingredients rather than having the ingredients in them. So the prawn one doesn't have prawn in it. You would just have... No, it has prawn in it. It has prawn in it. Okay, yeah. And it's interesting because you can make it in loads of different ways. But my mum usually boils the prawn. Yeah. And you get really good prawns. Because once you boil them, strangely, they have so much more flavour. And then you kind of really finely chop it or you ground it. Yeah. Nice. And you want a homemade one of these as well? Yeah. Yeah. but not by John Cena John Cena does not know how to do this it would probably be my mum to be honest but my mum on a good day what's going to happen on a bad day?

47:20I just feel like there is someone that wrote a book about this but when people cook when they're mad you can taste it I think that's interesting I really can taste it my mum's a chef but basically it's really complicated to explain my mum's chefing because she's not gone to culinary school but my mom's like one of those weird people that is like pitch perfect in food so she can taste food and completely make the same thing for any cuisine wow it's really weird and she's cooked since i think she's way too young like i think she might have been cooking for a family when she's like seven or something um and her dad died really young so she had three brothers that were all fucking useless that she cooked for um and she was the youngest so her cooking is just like people come from Bangladesh to my mum's house in West London to eat her Bangladeshi food because she makes it better than most people in Bangladesh but they have to call ahead and check to see if she's in a good mood or not I don't know if they check that but she's like they're so happy to see her and she's so happy to see them it's fine but obviously daughter mum relationship is a bit different sure yeah so what's the difference in taste would you say don't know it just doesn't slap the same way yeah yeah like there's just like or actually one time we got in an argument when I was young and she said oh do you want a carbonara and I was like yeah yeah I love one actually and then she cut up naga chili and put it all over the carbonara yeah you can tell that one yeah you can tell she was in a bad mood yeah like also the whole thing is like with carbonara you won't you won't expect that it's spicy so it's the not knowing if it was a curry I'd be like oh no this one's going to be spicy but it's the fact that it was a fucking carbonara you know that's like daylight robbery you know and then that's like the Louvre just happening on a plate yeah yeah and she's gone and put the fucking naga all over it.

49:02And then I've started crying. Then I got a pint of milk and drank it. And then I threw up everywhere. Because I don't know if you've ever dabbled in naga chili, but it's not a joke. I've dabbled. I've dabbled. I've not had as much as it sounds like was on that unexpectedly as well. Yeah. Because you just cut it in small bits. If you bite into even the smallest amount, you're finished. That's you finito for about two days. Forget it. Forget everything. Every hole broken. Yeah. every hole broken see if that was a song title it'd sound poetic yeah yeah but it's not every hole broken yeah yeah every hole yeah ear holes how are your ear holes your ears would be broken too because your sinuses are fucked after you have that much yeah like just everything like your equestrian tubes or whatever they're called equestrian or whatever equestrian tubes stick it in the book if you're listening stick it in the book that's what all my mates do they text him like she said another fucking cow thing questions well I mean this episode's going to be a fucking field Dave it'll be a whole new book it's just for this what are these not called your ubiquitous or something tubes I've got no idea you know the tubes here the tubes behind your ears yeah yeah yeah I don't know what they're called there's a tube there's a tube name there's a tube name and it's really nice that you're trying to guess the tube name but I don't think we're going to get there equestrian or ubiquitous I think are the guesses so far if you eat the naga even your ear holes are fucked Oh, yeah, it's game over.

50:30Yeah.

50:35Your dream drink? Well, I think during a meal, like a vodka diet Coke, and then after an old-fashioned. Okay, lovely. So why a vodka diet Coke for during the meal? Because you need a fizzy drink. Oh, yeah. You need a fizzy drink. Yeah, like you know when you're thirsty, and you could go for water, but you're going to go for the Coke Zero in your fridge. Absolutely. Or Pepsi Max, actually. forget coke we don't drink coke Pepsi Max at the moment as well I get to the end of the day I'm like every time I was thirsty I reach for a fizzy drink and I've not had one bit of clear liquid I think that's why they started doing the whole like mixing sparkling water with peach because then it makes you feel like you're having a fizzy drink but I'm not going to fall for that stuff hand me the vodka diet coke and the vodka is just you know so you can continue good chit chat on the dinner table because I tend to dissociate on dinner tables uh-huh how come too much going on food is so good i like to go quiet for food then i feel a bit slumped my dad always taught me if you're ever going to sack someone eat a massive meal beforehand when you're sacking someone yeah yeah well you're eating a massive meal before you sack them yeah because it's like being high but without any of the actual drugs but why why is it when you're sacking someone that you want to be in that state because then it's so stressful to do it then by the time you're just eating a load of food you're just like no right what about them i mean and i'm breaking up with someone too it's good any difficult conversation it's good to have a big meal before yeah my dad always said i'd be quite i'd be quite insulted if like someone was breaking up with me or firing me and they were all bloated and like burping out the nose how would you know what i think out the nose fine you would know but you wouldn't know about the bloating they could be wearing a big jumper acting like lethargic and just like okay listen um i've wanted to say this for a while but uh it's not working out

52:32yeah dabbing the corners of their mouth anyway i wish you all the best just a small tiny little fart and it's the type of fart where you can look down at the furniture on and be like god this is noisy yeah blame it on the furniture yeah blame it on the furniture but yeah yeah one of those i mean i i think actually that that i would if i was getting broken up with if i'm getting dumped i would like it if during the dumping they were they audibly farted because that would make me feel like i do know what then let's get out of here but what if farting was the idiosyncrasy that you fell in love with yeah oh that's a big wife that's a huge wife i mean do you have a problem with farting then no but like i think it would i think in the breakup yeah it would make me feel better about being broken up with because it reminds you sometimes everybody queefs sometimes everybody queefs some i mean a queef is different to but like yeah uh some people i'm aware for the so everybody doesn't queef but those who have the equipment queef yeah yeah i think it would make me it would remind me that you know what nobody's perfect because when you're getting broken up with I think it's very easy to think what am I going to do without this person they're so amazing and now I'm getting dumped and I'm the one getting dumped so I'm clearly the one who's all I've got all the faults but then when someone farts it's not like that makes them a bad person but it reminds me you know they're just a human being yeah yeah and you can't worship anyone you can't worship anyone yeah I don't think farts would stop me worshipping someone no I think it would make me probably fancy them a bit more my wife farts you know I'll put it out there she's got Irish butty syndrome that's an exclusive oh yeah but I'm sure they all smell like flowers no they smell awful joy what they're not diptyque farts they're not diptyque farts no that's a shame it's not like the labo we'd be in an awkward situation where I'd be like I'm going out come over here and fart on my neck that's called a kink I think I if I had to have any fart smell that I wanted in fact that looks a bit like a fart that table just an FYI it does look like a fart table Beano guff it does look very Beano doesn't it I think my farts would smell like maybe like heckles like you know like a Margate CMOS kind of like heckles formerly known as heckles they're not known as heckles anymore sorry it's a skincare brand I'd used all my heckle stuff today I couldn't use heckles why not comedian comedian man that was very funny thank you you wouldn't last long on don't laugh my name is Joy I should never be on that fucking show that would be terrible but your name is also Crooks maybe you'd steal the show I want to be on Traitors though for that reason I want to be on the next Traitors as well should we go on it together Yeah, can we say, look, two for the price of one.

55:35I'm not interviewing either of you afterwards. Why? No way. Why not? Because you both take conversations off in two weird directions. Well, we're going to win. That's what life is about, though. Yeah, that's true. I think we would be chosen as the traitors. I think we'd be so good as traitors. Yeah, yeah. I'd like semi-bully you so we look like we weren't on the same page when actually we're homies in those cloaks. Who would our third one be? dream celebrity to make up the traitors you me Jesus Christ

56:08we could get away with so much if Jesus Christ was on the traitors he'd be voted out straight away he'd be banished immediately look he's all about this like higher spirit kind of thing I don't know I'm not buying it I think it's a bit performative actually he's a performative male he's a performative male and also why is your hair that long what are you hiding you look like you're on a bush Tucker trial. And for that reason I'm voting Jesus Christ. And he goes up and he goes, I am a faithful. No, he's a traitor all day long. Because they'd be going like, obviously production are going to make Jesus Christ a traitor.

56:42It's good telly. Yeah, that is good television. But the BBC would get in trouble for that and BBC don't like any trouble. No trouble for the BBC. Kind of happens either way, doesn't it? Because they get accused of being too left and too right. where most of the problems come from. The comments would all be, oh, you wouldn't make Muhammad traitor. That's what people would say, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Muhammad's just chilling out on the round table. Yeah, doing great. Doing great. Everyone's like Muhammad's leader of the faithful. Yeah. I think my fry was. We've got to make this happen.

57:22We've got to make this happen. It's going to take a lot to make this happen, but I think we can make it happen. With AI, anything is possible. Yeah, that's true. Let's talk about the old fashioned quickly before we get onto the dessert. Because, I mean, obviously, a lovely cocktail. Is there anything for you that makes a great old fashioned that you look for? Or you're disappointed? Irish whiskey. Can't be Scottish. I don't know. I need the Irish stuff. Yeah. Is there a particular brand? I could do Jameson's, honestly. Yeah. I'm fine with just the good old. Obviously, people have the Japanese thing where they're like, oh, I know about whiskey and da-da-da-da.

57:54And I'm like, it just gets you licked quicker, doesn't it? it's just even more drunky like drunky vibes you know I'm sure it's like good stuff and obviously like whiskey connoisseurs will have something to say but are either of you whiskey connoisseurs? No I'd say but I'd say bourbon in an old fashioned though Is that American? Yeah Yeah Not interested? No Bourbon no I'd just do Jameson's nice ice cube Yeah Big? Are we talking big? I always test the ice cube because you know when they're massive I like to see how much they've actually poured so I'll always pull it out on the bar. It's mad, isn't it?

58:27It's big Karen energy from me, but I just pull the ice cube out and I go, you're joking. Or I go, oh, that's nice. Because it's very rarely that much. 50p in a packet of crisps, you know what I mean? It's ridiculous. You pull it out and you're like, well, I'm paying like 15 quid for this. Literally. So have you ever pulled it out and gone top that up before I put that back in? I've pulled it out and just been like, it's a shame, isn't it? How do they respond to that? Well, I think it's a shame, isn't it? It doesn't sound accusatory. It just sounds like our suffering is shared and then they pour it.

59:04Psychologically, that's more the alleyway I would go down rather than, what are you doing? Because then you're accusing, so then they're going to defend and then they'll probably spit in your next one. Whereas they might not top up that one, but then the next one you get, they're like, I've poured in some extra just for you. Because I know how it feels. That's nice. I think it's easier to spot spit in an old-fashioned though, I reckon. You say that. Yeah. But you just don't know. You just don't know. They could literally, like, they could put it, like, anywhere. Could put it underneath the ice cube, then it's hidden.

59:36That's true. Freeze it. That's very tactical speed. Put it on the ice cube. So what, they get the ice cube, turn it upside down, gob on it, and then put it in the drink. Literally. Yeah. That's actually the best way to do it. Yeah. You've thought about this. Or just, you could just spit in the water that you're freezing to make the ice cubes and have two jars of ice cubes or big tanks of ice cubes. And one you know is the gob water that you've gobbed in all morning. And the other one is the clean water. And it depends on if you like the customer or not, you give them a spit one or a clean one.

1:00:06Yeah, that's cool. And then they're never going to know. You don't even have to do it while you're at work. Lacing ice cubes is a pretty sick idea to be fair. Yeah. Not that I'd ever do anything like that. My friend found a fingernail in an ice cube once. That's fucking disgusting. Yeah, he wasn't happy about it. That's, oh my God, that made like, oh no, no, no, no, no. no no no someone's genuine finger oh that made me feel really weird yeah yeah

1:00:31we arrive at your dream dessert honestly I thought of like really like you know doing like a pick mix type of vibe like obviously free because pick mix should be I mean at least it is for me last time I went to view you nicked it don't be a fed James I've always said this about you don't be a fed man don't be a fed I'd love to be a fed you'd love to be a fed if I got to live my life again I'd be a fed I know exactly what type of fed you'd be I know exactly what kind of fed you'd be you have all the big vest and the fucking hat the face I was wronged and then you'd be at carnival and you'd be getting a dutty wine from some girl and you'd have to do the face you'd look like you're not actually enjoying it but secretly you'd be like you do like the Thierry Henry laugh where he laughs like this never seen that no but like I definitely wouldn't be the kind of fed who goes and cracks down on carnival no but no one said you're cracking down on carnival you're just catching catching frequent wines I'm meant to be there to keep the peace am I yeah but then you enjoy like every year there's a fed that goes viral yeah because he's just someone's dirty dancing on him and then someone would be like see the police are alright aren't they you're like no that's what they want you to think that's why they sent that guy in there a performative fed yeah

1:01:56I'm worried about that I prefer to be I think I was thinking about the feds in like American films and stuff where they turn up and go this is our crime scene now it's because feds in American I would love that the ones who turn up and like the cops hate them because they turn up and go we're the feds this is our crime scene now and like we're just treading all over the protagonist cops have already made quite a good case and they're onto something and then the feds turn up and just ruin it and go like yeah this is because we're their whole ego I'd like to be that kind of fed yeah but you'd like slip on the blood and all your trousers would fall down and stuff right?

1:02:30I could actually see you being a shit detective but like one that has you could make a show actually and you could just pretend to be a detective like a comedian turned detective that I would pay to see that so I could be that I'm a comedian but I'm also a well no like you could use some of your skills from comedy yes to unravel crime oh i see yeah and like also because comedy as i say comedy is so um disarming you could end up really getting behind behind the mind of crazy killers i think it though yeah i think they'd all feel like they were having a pint with you i think we need a different comedian because i think this is a brilliant idea joy but um i've never found my comedy to be disarming you'd be surprised though Have you ever brought it into a small room that's locked with a man in orange?

1:03:20Good point. I haven't tried it on anyone like that yet. I find your comedy disarming in a good way. Like in a way that's like... Puts people on the back foot. Yeah, but I quite like that. Yeah, I wouldn't say you're not disarming. I don't think you're arming. It's under people's skin. No, I don't think so. Yeah, but I like that. That's so good. And that's how you get under the skin of a killer. Yes. Yeah, I could get under the skin of a killer. yeah well I'd happily try yeah if anyone's listening any like TV commissioners or anything and they want to make the show where I'm basically me yeah but I've become a cop and I'm using my comedy skills to solve crimes I'm up for that a scripted thing or are we talking about you genuinely going to interview killers either one I'll do a scripted thing but I will also do like a yeah like I'm going around and doing it in real life yeah yeah I think you should do it in real life I also think that there will be a time in your journey where someone will think that you actually are a bad dude so you'll get in an almost fight.

1:04:19But then the almost fight will be like when Robin Williams finally cracks Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. It's not your fault. It's not your fault and the criminal will just be like, you just get it, man. And then it will be like this really compelling story and you'll be like, Harold is this British comedian detective hero and we'll find it hard to like get hold of you. I won't reply to Ed anymore. Nah. Oh man, I long for that day. Here's your way out. Yeah, you've got to do quite a lot of stuff before that can happen. Yeah. And it has to go exactly the way Joy said it would. It has to, yeah.

1:04:58It does have to. I could be like a co-writer if you want, just saying. You're the creator of this. Yeah. You're the showrunner. You'd be everything. I mean, you know, there's nothing that you wouldn't be across, I think. We should get like a reform voter in there and you getting behind the mind of a reform voter. Someone from Mighty White. Someone from Mighty White. A Mighty White? Yeah. And just you really getting to the bottom of things. I thought about this recently because my hometown of Kettering, which I love. Kettering? Kettering, yeah, in Northamptonshire. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I love it there.

1:05:32Well, Joy, it's currently... It doesn't love you. it's got the most flags out of anywhere at the minute oh fuck it's quite upsetting going back there it's absolutely English flags right not flags of the world not flags of the world I would love that couple Georgian flags yeah yeah couple Georgian flags it's bonkers it looks insane like I think even even like the most far right of people must see Ketrin and go that's a mess you gotta get rid of those that's too many flags is he really that bad it's awful and I'll have thought about going to Ketrin and doing a little chat with people and filming it.

1:06:09I think you should. I just tried to understand what's going on. Well, not understand. I feel like I do understand. Well, one of my favourite videos of that was a fellow that dressed up in a Union Jack suit and he named all of Nigel Farage's policies but without telling the people he was speaking to that they were Nigel Farage policies. And they were just like, oh, that sounds terrible. This sounds terrible. Oh my God, that's awful. He tells all these things to people and then they're like, that sounds terrible. I'd never vote whoever came up with those policies. And then he goes, oh, it's Nigel Farage's policies.

1:06:39And then they go, I'm still going to vote for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the leader of the Green Party does the same as well. He goes to places that are highly reformed. But I think as a comedian, that would be sick. I might chat to them more. I've done a few things in Kevin in the past and chatted to them. You know how Nico Amelano did a video? Did you see Nico's video? Didn't see this. he went but he like had to he wore like basically like a white mask to go and do it like he was all whited up and speaking to them as if he was like you'd have to do it but I want you to white up as well man I'll be transparent if I get any whiter be a goddamn ghost and that'd freak them the fuck out yeah it'd be nice to show them something that's too white for them yeah that's a really good perspective why's no one ever thought of that this is bad if we go this direction I really like that that's a really good idea yeah fuck it's one way to solve everything you want everyone in England to be white well bad luck everyone's ghosts have a look at this yeah you're going to be spooked to fuck every day it's very spooky yeah so good okay well I'll do that okay thank you did I say the dessert nope no we've talked about reform and to be honest I think all three of us have been quite restrained yeah When you said, why do you like vodka diet?

1:08:01This is why. This is why. So for me, dessert is sprinkle cake and custard. Nice. And that is the biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver I can think of, apart from turkey twisters. He's getting it in the neck again, Oliver. So like school dinners, sprinkle cake and custard. Yeah. Custard with the skin on that they have to just like drill through with a big spoon. No, not with the skin on. Well, that's what it was like at school though, right? No, I don't know about your school, but my school was a little bit better than that. Okay, pink custard. Did you have the pink custard? No, I've had it before. It was like Custard Angel or something, I think it was called.

1:08:38But no, I just like the normal Ambrosia one. But yeah, for me, sprinkle cake and custard. I would like to say something way posher and a souffle with a coulée with a... whatever the fucking words. I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant these days. It's like, what? For me, sprinkle cake and custard, it just makes my soul happy. and reminds me who I am and that's the shit that I loved growing up. It's great. This is basically, I think the only time we've ever kicked a guest out of the dream restaurant for saying the secret ingredient was Jade Adams for basically picking this.

1:09:09So it's great that you've picked it and Jade will have to like deal with the fact that someone else got to go on the podcast, have her dream dessert and didn't get kicked out. And that will be like probably annoy her even more. I just think in this time it would look bad on you guys to kick me out. We're not going to kick you out. It's not the secret ingredient for your one. So it's fine. Also what you said, you said, I don't want anything posh. I just want the sprinkle cake and custard. I don't want souffle or kool-aid, whatever. I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant.

1:09:34I think you could go to a reform march. You'd probably get on with those guys. I really hate you for saying that because I knew it sounded like that when I said the Google Translate bit. We got you. But if you're listening, I'm not white. It's really important to know if you're just a listener. We should cut that out and put it at the beginning. No, no, no, no. Put it at the beginning so people know. I know I think you should just cut up everything we said today like Mighty White Richmond Sausage and Lycra just like add one sexual thing because that's always good for you know like rage clickbaiting and then like just Google translating every da da da Kettering I love Kettering and like just all those things I've said that could be misconstrued as me being a reform voter and just take it from there and do that as the trailer like the big trailer yeah exactly and just like anytime my face has wandered off just get that face yeah I could do one right now I love sprinkle cake and custard thank you for getting us back on track no I just thought about it it just makes me so happy temperature wise how hot we talking lukewarm lukewarm both the cake and the custard or just the custard I don't think you can have lukewarm sprinkle cake because unless because then the sprinkle the icing will melt that's true but you could have a little bit of melt if you put it in the microwave I don't want it to melt though no I don't mind if the cake is warm but I don't want the sprinkles I don't like the idea of that because then it's just like icing custard but I never said I wanted that I wanted icing just normal thick normal icing just like the normal when the colour of the sprinkles bleeds into the icing because it's got a bit too warm I'm not into that I can work with that I don't know I'm sorry that triggers you okay just tried to help with what you were saying absolutely love it that's great oh no I don't James like James like great found some common ground here with joy I went full contrarian yeah yeah you were like yeah I really don't like the port of the warm sprinkle cake I really don't like that yeah well I'm sorry that that what the fuck just happened to me trying to empathize I'm sorry it's alright it's okay I feel like I've been burped it's been burped in my face um Major menu back to you now See how you feel about it Joy Here we go Vicky Catalan For your water You want popdums And soda bread Starter Iberico And a Richmond sausage butty With Kerrygold butter ketchup And sriracha Main course Is that an iPad?

1:12:11Huh? That's an iPad No It's your menu written down Okay We wrote it down before In my head I was thinking How in the bomb seed Has he managed to do that? But okay you had gone somewhere else there when the menu was being read back to you yeah suddenly you went very serious you went very very serious and you were sitting as still as possible I'm a complex woman yeah as we're noticing be careful homemade spaghetti bolognese with a parmesan refill station who's making it? that's made by John John Cena's making it John Cena side dish homemade water by your mum yeah is it Borta yeah Borta on a good day by mum on a good day on a good day drink vodka Pepsi Max and afterwards an old fashioned yeah dessert sprinkle cake and lukewarm custard yeah feels good feels amazing it's a really good menu it is good there's nothing on that I wouldn't want to eat in fact I want to eat all that Joy thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant thank you Joy Crooks am I getting kicked out well it's the end it's the end of the meal you've had your meal I know but I just want this I want this day to last forever well there we are James Joy Crooks such a delight yes and we mentioned it in the episode that I then had to translate what the guest was saying to you huge huge moment in the podcast she out weirded you man she out weirded me and I didn't expect it having seen joy live uh i'm always like wow this person is wise beyond their years yes um and so like they just they just got it got it all together man and i think both of those things are still true yes but on top of that i got out weirded yeah also i think it should be a new regular section on the podcast joy crooks attempts to explain gen z terminology to ed and james yeah this is where we've just got to accept that we're old I've accepted it ages ago and the challenge is is that we don't become like other comics and just complain about all these young 'uns coming through we've just got to take our roasting man take our roasting we've got to be roasted for the rest of time now we only get to continue being in this biz if we become the butt of the joke we don't understand anything anymore no no no all the terms come from a bit of the internet that I'm not privy to yes and I can't navigate it Benito's frowning at me like he doesn't know what I mean.

1:14:44Not the dark web. Not the dark web. He's even older than us. Look at him. He's saying dark web. He thinks the dark web's real. The dark web is real. No. No? No, no. You're thinking of TikTok. Ah, yes. That's the dark web. Well, thank you very much, DeJoy. I enjoyed that conversation very much. Grinning like an absolute goon I was throughout that. Goon means something different now. I learnt that. Oh, does it? Yeah, gooner. Oh, like an Arsenal fan? No. it means someone who habitually masturbates what the hell I've got to be careful what I say in the world because I might be saying I habitually masturbate not that I call myself a gooner I'm not an Arsenal fan but like I might say you've met Ramesh he's a gooner and people be like what the hell that's front page news yeah and you'd be like he's also an Arsenal fan yeah but Arsenal fan probably means obsessed with arses or something all these perverted corners of the internet.

1:15:42It's probably true. Ramesh is a fan of the football team Arsenal. He loves a badonkadonk and he's a dirty little wanker. Joy's album Juniper is out now so make sure you listen to that. Joy is also going on tour and goes through November and then into December the Juniper tour. So go and check that out if you're around or if these dates make sense. UK. Europe. Joy did not say Armand's Joy, James. Or indeed Armand. We couldn't even get her on that. Yeah. Because I suppose every almond is almond joy to Joy Crooks. That's a thinker. Yeah, that's a thinker. He's one of the leading philosophical minds in the UK today, Ed Gamble.

1:16:21And thank you for that. This will be on YouTube tomorrow. Yes. You get to see me and James being occasionally baffled. You get to see what we look like when we're thinking to ourselves, I'm old now. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm always thinking that. Yeah, well, this is me just finally accepting. Yeah. I was like it's over for me if you look at my eyes during this video I'm just thinking it's over no no it's not over man it's just a whole new chapter that's a good way of looking at it yeah that's nice plus there's things there's things that Gen Z don't know that we talk about like what all our terms what terms hmm dial up howdly doodly oakly doakly oh no Flanders dial up Flanders they're Flanders big thank you to Toast for booking our guest today buddy if you've got any more people you want to send our way we know Toast wants to send our way the ball the postie the bone today on the podcast we're interviewing walkies just the lead on a chair but we can't ever say the guest's name we have to spell it out except if you're Toast here it gets excited with walkies you've got a hard out you've only got 20 minutes and if you ask any of these questions they're going to walk yeah kick him out they said the secret ingredient I'm taking him away taking him away what's the secret ingredient for walkies running I guess yeah a jog yeah off the lead coming off the lead going to let him off the lead yeah that's a big moment we've ever done yeah whew okay thank you very much to Joy go and listen to Juniper we'll see you again next week bye bye yeah goodbye

1:18:37some exciting news we've sorted your valentine's day plans again as we're doing a special live recording of the podcast on valentine's day aka saturday the 14th of february yes we've got a lovely venue it's at the underbelly boulevard in soho london we had so much fun at the last valentine's day show yes and we both absolutely overshared will we do it again you'll have to come along and find out okay yes yes we will so that's saturday 14th of february at underbelly boulevard and you can get tickets on the link in our bio and our instagram