Katherine Ryan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

0:00I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag-and-drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company.

0:39This is a new way to run IT. We guarantee you'll automate 50 % of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com slash ACAST. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash ACAST.

0:57Howdy folks, this episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head, the friar's turkey breast Imagine a backyard tradition A sun-drenched afternoon, a massive vat of bubbling oil And a man named Big Dave wearing goggles It's a lot of effort for a bird It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter? Well, I'd say, James, you finally lost it, and I think you lost it a while ago, but this is beyond the pale. Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep-fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden-fried glory of the friar's turkey breast, but without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.

1:39Oh, man, that sounds genuinely incredible. Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The fryer's turkey breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried. Ball's Head, committed to craft since 1905.

2:15Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, but it's a bonus. Bonus! It's a bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James. It was show two of six at the Royal Albert Hall. The first matinee we did. Matinee? I hardly know her. Matinee. This is Catherine Ryan, of course. Yeah. A classic off-menu guest coming back for a tasting menu. Yes. When she gets given the menu of another past guest. What a woman. What a woman. What a comedian. What a celeb. what a national treasure genuine star quality James she got star quality she got the X Factor yeah and that's what you want at a matinee at the Royal Albert Hall very happy that Catherine came and did this some of our guests at the Royal Albert Hall had no star quality James absolutely yeah I mean we're obviously talking about Nish yes and a little bit about Tim yeah but like still glad that they all said yes yeah yeah yeah there will be some stuff we say to Catherine and maybe Catherine will say to us that it won't make sense because there was a first half in the Royal Albert Hall where we messed around and said a bunch of stuff.

3:25Benito's actually toying with the idea of editing some of the first halves of the Royal Albert Hall and putting out the highlights, which I think is mad. Yeah, you think that's mad. He says it's his job. Yeah. You think it's mad. The way you reacted to that was like Benito said, I'm going to go and trawl through a big pile of human shit. Yes! That's what he said. I feel like in Jurassic Park when they get out the car and they're going to go, we're going to like trawl through this Triceratops done and Jeff Goldblum's like you shouldn't do that Benito's like the guy who lost that lost all his Bitcoin and he wants to go and search the dump yeah he's exactly like that yeah searching the dump for his Bitcoin bad for that guy man yeah yeah yeah he's just got to let it go but I guess he can't at this point the more that he pursues it less like the more he's got to lose if he backs out so he's got to kind of like because this is time now not just his money yeah well this this is the situation that Benito's in this is what Benito's in it's his time and his money so he's too proud to back out at this point but he shouldn't edit down those first halves because it will be it will not be worth it yeah not for him we said some funny stuff we said some funny stuff in the first half do you remember when we got in the audience yeah we walked into we discovered that walking into the audience was the way to go yeah that was the like Barrymore like Barrymore um should we listen to Catherine Ryan yeah yeah it's so good yeah okay this is the other menu tasting menu of Catherine Ryan.

4:49And the owners.

4:59Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the... Thank you. Absolutely heartbreaking if that was the opening of the whole show. Taking Claire Bear's noodle soup of conversation and thrown it in the bin because it's an unhealthy mother and son relationship. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James St. Cassidy. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite the guests and ask them their favourite ever start our main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. This week we're doing a tasting menu and our guest is... Catherine Ryan.

5:38Very, very excited to have Catherine back on the pod. Of course, it's a tasting menu. Catherine will be receiving the dream menu of another previous fan favourite guest. Who that will be will be revealed when we bring Catherine to the stage. But let's get on with it, James. Please, welcome to the stage, Catherine Ryan! Hello,

6:05Catherine.

6:09Take a seat right here, Catherine. Welcome, welcome. Boys, in my dressing room, you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on off menu. Yes. And your lovely tour manager from Liverpool gave me the sharpest knife, of course.

6:30And I've been chopping so many chilies, limes, and it's way too spicy now. I've made like a picante, picante. I've ruined it. It's disgusting. Do you want to try it? No, it's good. if you're from Mexico. James, you're from Mexico, aren't you? Si.

6:51Before it's even gone in my mouth, I'm choking on it. It's so spicy. It's wild. This was the good morning, is the name of the cocktail I believe you told us? But it's wild, right? It tastes the good morning. Fucking hell, Catherine. But I just loved the knife. taste this like being pet is great in the mouth give it to those 13 year olds so it give it to the twins you're not meant to give you're not meant to give audience members glass but right yeah yeah wow i mean it for me it was when the the chili fumes hit the back of my throat before the liquid had got in there it's it's it's honestly like a weapon of war yeah that's insane and you're not going to be able to finish that.

7:41I've gone hardcore since I last saw you. Yeah? Yeah. Tell us some ways with which you've gone hardcore with your drinking and eating. Just chillies. Just chillies. Yeah, no, well, it's been a time when I... Was it... It was immediately post-lockdown when I first appeared on your show. Right. And since then, there are wars that we're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week. Did you know that? Are you coming on this season? I'm not going on Mock the Week this series, no. Is it because you have your own surprise new vehicle? We have a rival panel show on TLC coming out. Will we be talking about the war on that?

8:21I think so. I think that's very much the vibe of my new panel show on TLC. What we do is we talk about all the things that you're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week. That's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just live fast, die young. That's my motto. Like you, James. We're talking about fun wars? I remember that we've never let us talk about fun wars did you do fun wars in Canada yeah oh yes are you good at them uh no did you do I'm getting a lamp I'm meant to do my beginning I just realised I haven't done my proper beginning yeah sorry James isn't a genie yet so obviously I'm meant to do a proper beginning as you know Catherine James is a genie in this podcast so

9:09welcome coming back to the team last time I've been spending you for some time

9:17yes you were meant to rub the lamp but I think I think that got forgotten about normally we get someone to rub the lamp in the traditional genie style for the genie to then emerge but unfortunately James not for the first time in your life it went off by itself you got me now katherine is there anyone in particular whose menu you are hoping for today past guest who um maybe you don't know their menu but maybe you're like i'd like to eat what that person eats i'm a special i really liked michelle de swartz like very cheese based wasn't every course cheese not i believe i believe she started with a vape I believe her starter involved having maybe a triple mango lost Mary.

10:05Yeah. The connoisseur's choice, of course. Yeah. Definitely I would like to try a life like that. Michelle was very rude. That's all I remember. She said that I was like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's English cousin is coming to visit. Yeah. And Kramer's stressing out because the cousin's so weird and everyone's telling Kramer but he's exactly like you. People don't like you to assess that. Like when people compare me to anyone it's Crazy Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. People know who that is and I do resemble her. And then once Richard Osmond got crossed because I compared him to a cross between Marie Curie and A Great Dane.

10:53Why would he get cross about that? That's a lovely thing to say. I felt like it was spot on, so... Marie Curie did a lot, you know, did a lot for everyone. And Great Danes are nice dogs. Thank you, Ed. Yeah, it was not meant to be an insult. Yeah. You are, I mean, that is the most you've ever been read, I'd say, James. That you are like Kramer's English cousin. Yeah, yeah. The only reason I didn't like the Kramer thing is because it was absolutely spot on and she'd done me. Yeah. It's not Michelle De Swart's menu that we're giving you. No. No, we can reveal the off-menu menu that you'll be enjoying today is that of Joe Wilkinson.

11:37Opinions on Joe Wilkinson? Hate. Fair enough. You know, I got into a mess like this with Louis Theroux once where he asked me what I thought of a certain gentleman and it went quite viral and my opinions about Joe Wilkinson are the same. No, I love Joe. We did a travel show together. So I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Joe abroad. And the format was that we were going on bargain holidays for Channel 4. A bargain channel. And I was really excited to take Joe's lead on all of these things until we flew to a country that could only be accessed via Whiz Air. And someone on our flight shot himself.

12:30Someone? No. Joe shot himself. No, someone did. And he wasn't, you know, infirmed or like super elderly. He was just, I think, on pills. and he wore sunglasses the entire time and was unapologetic about the incident. And that was fine. But the trouble was, all the people around him wanted to get away. So they moved to the front of the aircraft where I was, which was a safety risk because of the weight distribution. And all the staff were like, you can't all be at the front of the aircraft. You have to go sit near this guy who's shot himself. And they were like, no, we won't. And then I thought that I was going to die on a whiz airplane.

13:21Did the plane dip and then the shit just started sliding all the way down to where all you were? Running away from the shit like Indiana Jones and the boulder. I would have sat next to the shit guy. I wouldn't have minded that. Thank you, Matt. You're a man of the people, Ed. I am. Very much. I've never flown whiz air. well now none of us will weird to be called whizzer and then the guy does a big shit

13:51I have to say the flight crew handled it very professionally they handled it I like to think that there was someone pissing himself on dumb airways I think we got our tickets mixed up

14:12So when you came on, you had still water. So hopefully you will like Joe Wilkinson's water course. The water course, the dream water course of Joe Wilkinson is tap from Ed's Garden Tap. Yes. Okay. We eventually got to, Joe thinks there's no difference between any tap waters. And we said we could imagine him drinking from a garden tap. So he said he could drink from my garden tap from the hose. I've got one of those hoses. I don't know what hoses you're rocking at your house, Catherine. but the ones that contract up. And then when you turn them on, they get all long. What? You seen those ones? They go all wrinkly.

14:50Like an accordion? Like an accordion. I think on the episode I said like a foreskin, but accordion works as well. They go all wrinkly and then you turn on the tap and it goes out like a normal hose. Wow. It's pretty good. Ed doesn't have a foreskin. Yes. I don't know how they work. I compare everything to foreskins just in case. can we can we explore why you don't have a foreskin happy to um

15:19circumcised when i was uh 23 to the 13 year old before you start this circumcised when i was 23 uh due to tightness issues okay very tight foreskin kept everything under wraps there okay he had a very funny routine about it about how when he when he came round from the anesthetic, he said to the nurse, have they sorted out my cataracts? Yes. It was a good bit.

15:45The best way I can describe it is, you know on a hoodie when you've got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight for a laugh? That was what my penis was like. Fine. Thank you. Do you think you would like to have water from... You've got to be quicker with that question, brother.

16:09bed's garden tap i would actually sooner drink from a foreskin because i think that it sounds to me like keeping moisture and we're back to the garden hose yes in an accordion style uh like structure i think is a breeding ground for bacteria interesting so i would not drink from Ed's Garden Hose. No thank you. Yeah, this is the difference between you and Joe Wilkinson. Yeah. Is that you will think pretty quickly about how clean is that? You know, how hygienic is that? Joe Wilkinson is just like quite excited about living like a dog essentially. That is very different. So you, but that is what we're going to have to bring you.

16:53Fine. Is, I mean, do you want to drink it straight from the tap, straight from the hose? I will because I've had this chilli-infused good morning with Don Julio white tequila, and I feel like any germs in my mouth will be immediately dead. Yeah. My lips are still tingling at one sip. Your lips tingling? Oh, big time, yeah. It was wild. Your lips tingling? This is mad. I'm trying to focus on doing a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall, but my lips are on fire. How do they do hot ones? the show hot ones how do they even get through that I think they'll be really hot maybe really spicy that chicken I think it'd make it really hard to focus on the answers to the questions not a very practical show Joe Wilkinson so you chose as your bread course corn chips and salsa you were one of the first people to hack this course and not go poppadoms or bread and you went corn chips and salsa Yep.

17:57Joe Wilkinson had his dream bread. Nice crusty bread that doesn't fill him up. See, that sounds all right. What? How? Like, does he access a paleo crusty bread? Does he mean, like, very thin? I think he was invoking the genie's powers to suggest that you could create a bread, a genie could create a bread that you can eat loads of, but it doesn't fill you up. Because this is a big thing we get on the podcast, of people coming on and going, oh, I love bread, but if I eat too much of it, it fills me up for the meal. And I always go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think it's time for me to admit, I don't fucking know what they're on about.

18:36Really? I will eat bread all day and then eat a full meal. I don't care. Wow. I will eat all the bread and bring me more bread and then I will eat the full meal that I've ordered. Yeah, you've got to start being more honest on our podcast. Yeah. Not too honest. Get your politics out of it. Save it for your panel show. Yeah. For this risky panel show that's coming out that loves war or whatever. Just for the listener, to let you know how spicy the drink was, Catherine just topped it up with a full can of water. Because I kept going back to it, because I do love to get fucked up in the daytime. But it's too many chilies.

19:14Yeah, yeah. You got a lot of parents in the matinee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're taking your shoes off. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. but I didn't know that that's how spicy this drink was. You don't want them firing off into the audience when you have a sip. I just thought I'd get cozy. I like it here and I'm proud of you guys. Thanks, Catherine. I'm proud of us. Nice crusty bread though sounds nice. I mean, I guess you'd still rather the tortilla chips than this. Well, controversially, and there will be already some people in the UK who know this about me, it is one of my most hateable qualities is that I don't like bread at all.

19:54I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it. You've never eaten it ever? Like by accident a few times. I just... You're getting booed quite hard. I know, I know. So I went on Room 101 years ago and you have to put things infamously into a room and lock it away forever. And I put an actual person in that room. I put Cheryl Tweedy... Cole, whatever, Cheryl in the room and I had some gags about her that were fun Why did you put her in there? Because I think that she would glass you in an alley in an instant I think she's very beautiful like gorgeous like a baby you know and really tiny and everyone loves her but I think we were tricked by how beautiful she was and I had a hypothesis that she was pure evil and even God is throwing everything he can at this thing.

20:54Malaria, it won't die. It's just a bit of fun at the expense of Sheryl Cole. And people didn't mind me putting a real, living, breathing, beautiful human woman in Room 101, but I also put bread and I got death threats for that. Mostly from the North. They were like, how dare you? But I don't like it. I have a Celtic ethnicity a lot of people in my family have celiac disease so you know hey so do you have celiac are you worried that you're going to trigger it if you start eating bread so I didn't grow up knowing I had celiac but I do have celiac but I never found out because I never eat bread well that's sort of best of both worlds really but then I guess bread holds this horrible potential for you where you're like one day I might try it and my head might pop off is that what happens yeah man was that what that sound was a minute ago yeah woo old head popping off so I will eat Joe Wilkinson's crusty bread but I will have to immediately board a whiz air flight

22:02so your starter was potato latkes with smoked salmon from the four seasons in Toronto whoa I was living a different life you wouldn't choose that now no I would I just forgot that I had access to such luxuries before. No longer? No longer have access to these luxuries? Not really. Like, when I just had my oldest daughter, who's now 16, we would go, she was so portable, we would go anywhere. I'd go to the Four Seasons and have potato latkes. What did you call them? Latkes. Yeah, latkes. Very portable, very portable daughter. If you don't know this, Catherine's daughter is on wheels. Yeah. And I just haven't been to the Four Seasons, I guess, in a while.

22:45And I'd forgotten about smoked salmon. Because now I just eat, like, fistfuls of rice over the sink in between. In between school runs. Yeah. What are you hoping for from Joe Wilkinson, then? Oh, God. I know Joe. Well, I ate with him a lot when we travelled around these bargain holidays. He told me that it would be a bargain that we spend the afternoon cleaning rubbish off a beach, that we would get a free hot dog at the end. And he really enjoyed that hot dog. I saw him eat charcuterie a few times. He drank a lot of Fanta. So I think it's going to be like bangers and mash or something. Okay, the dream starter of Joe Wilkinson is prawn cocktail.

23:36Now, it's got thinly sliced iceberg lettuce, little frozen prawns, and he was very specific that the prawns have to be very little, those little piddly ones. Frozen. Yeah, that are frozen. A mix of tomato puree and mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika, and a slice of lemon for decoration. How'd you get that out of Joe Wilkinson? Well, how did we get him to say that? Yeah. Honestly, it took a long fucking time. It was a live one. It was maybe 40 minutes to get the starter out of him. and specifically as well that would be made by his mum his mum's prawn cocktail uh that he sees his mum every week on his way to football and stays for 40 minutes he eats slowly he eats slowly but yeah he but this is this is a theme running through this menu that rather than have the best version of something he likes he wants the most disappointing version of it so he wants the prawns to have been frozen and defrosted he wants the mayonnaise mixed with tomato puree which i don't think is how you make the dressing for a normally it's tomato sauce and mayonnaise together with some like oh and the lemon is there and he wants to take the lemon and then throw it in the bin yeah he's not actually using the lemon or squeezing it over anything there oh well sometimes the the shit version of something is better than the best so when i moved to this country there wasn't access to taco bell there was no taco bell i was pregnant with my aforementioned oldest daughter and I would say to people I just really miss Taco Bell and they go well there was a lovely Mexican I said no I don't think you would listen to me properly Taco Bell I'm not looking for lovely Mexican I'm looking for Taco Bell the opposite of lovely Mexican um and now there are many of them are they as as deliciously shit as you remember yes maybe even worse um yeah I would eat this.

25:27I'm impressed by Joe and I would like to meet Joe's mother. I think it's important that we all meet Joe Wilkinson's mother. Yeah, I'd like to meet Joe Wilkinson's mother. In my imagination, there's no way she doesn't have a full beard like Joe.

25:44She's a bearded mum, for sure. Also, I'm not sure the shit version of something is somewhere better than the best. I'd rather listen to off-menu podcasts than, I don't know, dish or... That Jessie Ware one table manners, that's shit. I didn't know there was so much rivalry in the food-based podcast world. Well, there's not really. No one holds a candle to us. We're streaks ahead. We don't have to worry about any of that. They're chasing us. They're thinking about us 24-7, I'd imagine. I imagine all they do is think about us and talk about us all the time. But, like, who would you rather sit down with and talk about food?

26:21Me and this legend or Grimmy?

26:30I love Grimmie. Oh, yeah, sorry, me too.

26:36It's Jesse Ware, Ed hates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fan of Jesse Ware. I've been on both those podcasts. Yes. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have been invited. Yeah. A clip of me on Table Manners went more viral than any clip from this podcast. What? Yeah, because I started, I got myself into a situation where I had to describe to Jessie Ware's mum where the band Limp Bizkit got their name from. Explain it to those kids. Okay. That's fine, because I've got my back to them. So, there's a game called Soggy Biscuit. Oh, no. Where, if you've not heard of this, great game. You don't need to buy anything for the game, really, apart from a biscuit.

27:21There's not like, you don't need to buy a board or anything. It's fun at home for, not all the family, but everyone who, I mean, it's for people with penises, really. You gather round it. You all start masturbating around the biscuit. A lot of people don't know this. A lot of people genuinely don't know this. This is kind of worst case scenario, I'd say. Yeah. so you are actually telling a lot of people about this for the first time in the Royal Albert Hall well you can see why the clip went viral it was me telling a woman in her 60s in her own kitchen about this game with her daughter present and then obviously the winner you've got to come as quickly as possible onto the biscuit and the loser has to eat the biscuit I was mortified that I did that and that no one knew what the game was and I had to explain it on the podcast and on the way home I googled it and that's not why they called Limbiscuit at all.

28:25It's all in your head. Yeah. We have that game in Canada for ice hockey players would do it but our name is not as good. It's Cookie in the Middle. Cookie in the Middle. That's so sweet. It's no good. Soggy biscuit. You have better words for everything like nonce I think is a beautiful word it's lovely isn't it yeah thank you I feel like leave it to the Brits to add a touch of whimsy to even the darkest of subjects what do you call them in Canada uncle

29:01we have to say uncle if I opened a restaurant if and it's never gonna happen like a Michelin star restaurant that kind I would call it nonce. Don't you think it sounds elevated? It sounds French, doesn't it? It sounds very French. You've got to get a booking at nonce. Try the aged venison filet. Not aged too much, though. Not too much.

29:31Howdy, folks. This episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head, the fryer's turkey breast. Imagine a backyard tradition. A sun-drenched afternoon. a massive vat of bubbling oil and a man named Big Dave wearing goggles. It's a lot of effort for a bird. It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter? Well, I'd say, James, you finally lost it and I think you lost it a while ago, but this is beyond the pale. Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep-fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden fried glory of the friar's turkey breast but without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.

30:14Oh man, that sounds genuinely incredible. Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The fryer's turkey breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried. Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905.

30:38I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications, my laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work, and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag and drop workflows. No expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company.

31:17This is a new way to run IT. We guarantee you'll automate 50 % of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com slash ACAST. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash ACAST.

31:36For your main course, you had a Bangkok stir fry from Salad King, also in Toronto. Yeah. And I was just talking to my husband, Bobby, about this stir fry on the way in. He was asking me about my menu. I was really hungry all the time when I lived in Toronto and went to uni. I think you're always hungry in uni. And then I think I wasn't sure. I was trying to reminisce because he lived in Toronto as well I said was that stir fry so great or was I just really hungry and we don't know Bobby doesn't know did Bobby ever try it Bobby's not a stir fry guy no what's Bobby eat um meat exclusively I've only met Bobby twice but I do think he's a meat guy yeah you see me in a steak yeah bloody yes yeah yeah yeah Bobby's cool the dream main course that you're going to be given.

32:29Oh, no. The dream main course of Joe Wilkinson is two chicken Kievs from Waitrose, though, with chips and peas, not from Waitrose, and loads of ketchup. Ketchup fan there. A lot of fans of Joe Wilkinson's menu there. Joe got really worried that he was having to pay for the meal. so he really specified that yes the chicken kievs can come from waitrose because they're nice but then the chips and peas he'd go to a supermarket that cost less how do you feel about chicken kievs katherine i actually love them i am allergic to them i know now if you have celiac you can't have that either or any fun we're actually only allowed to call them uh but chicken...

33:14We can't talk about war.

33:20Unlock the week. It's just chicken. Yeah. Just chicken. It was weird. They did... People started calling them chicken keeves, though, didn't they? Yeah. During the war. Like, if any silver lining from that conflict is that the general Western public learned how to pronounce keev correctly. Yeah, I bet they were delighted by that. Yeah. They were like, we don't need any more help. Just make sure you rename one of your snacks. Joe was very clear that it was important that the chicken kevs leaked garlic butter. Keeves, James. Keeves. Tim Keeves. As they're being cooked in the oven, the garlic butter must just leak out of them onto the tray.

34:00Okay. So that the bottom is quite soggy. Yeah. And the whole thing, he said disappointment was a big part of the meal and it has to be disappointing. Yeah. And he doesn't want it to be, because we were like, we could use like it's your dream meal we could make sure it's the perfect he's like no it has to be there that leaks out and that it's all soggy and it's disappointing when i'm eating it i'm disappointed so joe's dream is to be disappointed yes which you can even like try and i mean i find it very hard to relate to i wonder how joe's doing now because he because it must be very awkward for him that since he appeared on Celebrity Traitors, he reached a new level of notoriety.

34:42I'm sure that was such a big series. Then he had that Christmas advert where he was snogging Keira Knightley. That was a weird one. Wasn't that that his wife had died and so he was allowed to snog Keira Knightley? Is that the Christmas advert that he did? Is that what happened? He's met a new genie. First wish, I want my wife to die. As far as I'm aware, people might be able to correct me on this, but it's like the premise is that his wife dies, and then he's got his whole past list or whatever of people that if he meets them, he's allowed to get with them. And then he meets Keira Knightley, and he's like, great.

35:22My wife's dead, and I get to get with Keira Knightley now. Is that the Christmas thing that he did? Yeah, people are saying yes, James. Yeah, that's weird. It was a long advert. I was just captivated by Joe. I thought, oh, there's my friend Joe. I didn't know why he got to snog Keira Knightley. I was just, I doubt he was disappointed by that. I bet he was very happy with that. But like, I don't know why his wife had to die. Maybe the garlic butter leaked out of her the entire time. She had a really soggy bottom. When Joe was on Celebrity Traces, I'd say I've never seen more posts and messages from very thirsty women going, Joe Wilkinson's my new crush.

36:10Yeah. There's something about that guy. They fucking love Joe Wilkinson. When their husbands die, they're going to get him. Did you watch Celebrity Traitors? I did, yeah. I loved it. Did you think I'm seeing Joe in a new light now and I want to kiss him on the face? I see him in the same light I've always seen him. Extremely fuckable. Would you go on Celebrity Traitors? Again, ask that question quickly. I thought you were going to say something else about Joe. Would you go on Joe Wilkinson? For the right fee. Yeah. It'd be tough to be away from my kids for four weeks, though. It'd be a nice end to the bargain holiday show, wouldn't it?

36:49Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know some people going on the next Celebrity Traders. So do you. A few comedians in. Do I? Yeah. I don't know anyone who's doing it. Oh, I do. I can't be party to this conversation contractually.

37:06Catherine, I am the host of The Extra Show. I'm part of the Traitors family. I cannot be here for some sort of splashy headline situation. Catherine Ryan reveals who's on Next Celebrity Traitors while sat next to someone who relies on this show to pay his fucking mortgage. Do they tell you in advance? No.

37:35I'm going to have to banish Ed. Worst liar ever. Ed is a traitor. Do you think you'd be good on it, though, Catherine? No, obviously not. Well, a clip from your podcast came into my algorithm the other day, and I love you guys, so I watched it, and you were speaking about the text-to-all game on Michael McIntyre, and then, by surprise, my name came into the mix, and he said oh when when i got a text from katherine ryan she said i'm going to do a routine about you on graham norton and then ed said that's the one you should have believed that katherine would do that i would do that because i don't i can't keep a secret i can't really tell a lie for that reason i should not be on celebrity traitors i'd like to see it though i would like to see it would be good telly me just telling the truth yeah no one's done that tactic yet no one's gone on become a traitor and then gone just so you know everyone it's me yeah and then everyone going clearly can't be James if you've been watching this show properly you know they're not allowed to do that because it's part of the traitor's oath that they take at the beginning when they receive their cloak from Claudia they're not allowed to reveal it and behind the scenes it's really imposed on them that please do not reveal you're a traitor it ruins the whole format of the show yeah maybe you should tweak that format a bit it'd be fun everyone should say it the next day.

39:03It's me. I'll be good on it. You'd be great on it. Yeah, I'll be real good on it. In what role? I'd know it would be you. I'd say it's Ed. But I wouldn't be in it, James. So you'd just be accusing everyone and saying, it's Ed Gamble. Ed Gamble's the traitor. Eventually.

39:24I go, fine, we meet at last. I always knew you were the traitor. to reveal yourself. You're Claudia. Definitely. She acts very suspicious on that show every time saying weird things and walking out the room. No one goes, do you think she's a traitor?

39:44The side is more peas.

39:52I guess we should ask your opinions on peas. We haven't really talked much about the chips and the peas on the last one. Love chips and peas. love them yeah oven chips though they are oven chips that joe's having you're happy with oven chips i only really know oven chips oh interesting where am i gonna get you only know oven chips pretty much i don't have a like deep fat fryer in the house do you no but like i bet he does but like i uh some people do yeah some people do i don't happen to have a deep fat fryer yeah nice try traitor.

40:32I wouldn't have, they'd make the house stink, I'd imagine. Does anyone have a deep fat fryer in their house? See, people are killing it. An air fryer? That's a, that's a, fuck all of you. Pathetic people with air fryers. Why? Gullible. Oh yeah. So gullible. They're the people you want on traitors. The gullible ones. Falling through it the whole time. Deep Fat Fryer people where are you? all sat together it's a coach trip from Leeds

41:07does it make your house smell? a good mix a real mix there oh extractor fan put it under the extractor fan you'll be alright yeah for ages in my house the extractor fan we'd put it on and the fire alarm would still go off and it was just like it's doing nothing. And we had our kitchen done last year and they looked at it and they went this is trying to find doesn't go outside. Yeah. It's just there and you turn it on and it makes the noise but it's just still staying in the room. Yeah. Mine's the same. We moved the house we moved into the lady had done the kitchen so she'd just because it looked nicer had moved the oven away from the wall that goes outside and put it on the opposite wall that doesn't go outside, there's an extractor fan there, you put it on, it blows.

42:03It's worse. There's like smoke from a pan and it's just blowing it all around, just like billowing horrible smoke. Yeah, disgusting. Could I just ask, could you hear this extractor fan chat or just me? What, that entire chat? Yeah. Heard the first half and I tuned out the second half, I'll be honest. Yeah, what we do is we cherry pick phrases that we understand and then we try as desperately as we can to riff on them. because I had a massive health assessment, just because you should do that. And my grip strength was bad, and my eyesight was bad, and my resting heartbeat was bad. Like, things were bad.

42:39But the lady said that I have incredible, incredible hearing. Like, I can hear anything. And one of the things she made me listen to was a super high-pitched noise that sometimes shops and neighborhoods will emit to detract teenagers, because only teenagers can hear, like, If it's really high, like a dog whistle, I can hear that. Wow, you've got teenage ears. Yeah, and I didn't even pay for those. Is that why you're so good at detecting nonsense?

43:15If I catch a man looking at my ears too long, James, I know. I know he's trouble. So you've got more peas. Now, do you like mushy peas? I do like mushy peas. I thought you would like mushy peas for some reason. Why do you think that? Because typically people go, nah, that's disgusting, I hate them. But you'd be like, yeah, I like that. Whatever. The thing that everyone else is like, no, get away from that. Gross. Catherine Rines would go, yeah, that's cool. I like it. With men, usually, that applies.

43:44I love peas. I love whole peas. I love buttery peas. I love hot peas. I love cold peas. I used to eat a dish called peas and cheese. Because I am allergic to a lot. so it would just be a bowl of tinned peas and I would cut up little cubes of cheese and put it in. Really delicious. It's good. Cheesy peas. It's a fast show sketch. Yeah, it's a fast show sketch. Is it? Yeah, cheesy peas, yeah. It's a what? Fast show sketch. Oh, someone's here and doesn't know. Sorry, shall I say it really high for you, Catherine? The fast show, do you remember the fast show? I wasn't here, but I know the reference.

44:23Yes, so they had a sketch about cheesy peas. Oh, what's the sketch? I can't remember. It's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas. Oh. That was the whole sketch. The first show was brilliant, but when you repeat it back to someone who hasn't seen it, it does sound shit, doesn't it? Yeah, it's very hard to make a sketch work. Just one person monologuing it. Fine. But that was basically what it was. It's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas. Peas and cheese, cheesy peas. It's good. And that was it for the whole thing. Yeah. Just kind of repeating it. once at my uh my school we had to do this project where uh we got given a paper plate and a load of crepe paper and we had to make our favorite meal on out of crepe paper on the plate and then they would stick them to the wall and my mum came into they were doing like an open day and she was like oh where's yours i went oh it's over there and i'd i'd done cheesy peas she'd never fucking cooked that for me in my life and stuck loads of green crepe paper and then just like a sheet of yellow over the top of it.

45:21And she was genuinely worried, like, they're going to take you away from me. Because it looks like I don't give you any sustenance. And this was the same year I had to write a story, just come up with a story. And it was about a treasure hunt where every time they thought they found the treasure, it was empty gin bottles.

45:37It's like, who do these people fucking think I am? Feeding you peas and then getting pissed. My mom was too drunk to put a message in it. he's written a short story about how tight his foreskin is thank you james i'm glad that's become a running joke can't run with a tight foreskin do you think my foreskin was attached to you were like

46:06it's too tight it hurts when i run please that's what i imagine yeah they don't let you keep it oh they both wait a minute wait a minute how hard did you push

46:23because i think they would have let you if you really asked i said can i keep the foreskin they were like no we don't do that that's mad isn't it i don't think you're allowed to keep stuff after after operations if they've been cut off you i don't know if anyone else here has been allowed to keep anything i've consumed three placentas in the last four years yeah but you gotta do that quick before they come and take it away right and to be fair you ran in real quick and you're now in front of the lady giving birth and then you're going straight

46:55tasty and they went out the room oh no katherine ryan got another one maybe i should have gone private i think maybe my issue was doing nhs i should have gone private and then they let you keep it they make it into a necklace or something yeah there are conspiracy theories now that if you don't keep your placenta that the nhs sell it for 50 grand to some like a biohacker really yeah that they're selling placentas to those who want to live forever but it's absolutely not true it's like a filtration system i think it's not even good for you that man i reckon that man who's trying to live forever is definitely eating placentas don't you But just for kicks.

47:36Just for a laugh. He's monitoring his son's boners and stuff, isn't he? Yes. Do you know about this? This guy, Brian Johnson, he wants to live forever and apparently part of that is monitoring his son's boners. Yeah, he monitors his and his son's erections. If I monitored my son's erections, the last thing I'd want to do is live another day.

48:06How does he do it? Well, there's a biscuit in the middle.

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49:16Your dream drink when you came on, of course, was the good morning, which you're drinking now. But the drink we're going to give you today, Joe Wilkinson's dream drink is a Mango Magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day. Oh no. Now we don't have any answers for you here, Catherine, because he didn't actually fully know what a mango magic was. He drank it. He couldn't tell us if it was a juice or a smoothie. He knows it was called a mango magic. He doesn't remember what the island was called near Tenerife. He doesn't remember what that was called, where he went on Christmas Day.

49:49And he could only tell us that they went to a Chinese restaurant because they fancied a Chinese. So it's, I mean, you're going to have to use your imagination here and tell us if you like this mango magic or not. Or if you like the whole setup of going to a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day. I mean, I think it's the best version of a disappointing version of something. And for that, I really give Joe credit for this answer because I love the idea. I love the audacity of Chinese restaurants or anywhere being open on Christmas Day. Yes. I do like that. That's rebellious. And I like alcohol, especially on Christmas Day.

50:29I'm going to imagine that the Mango Magic has that in it. I guess because it was so vague, you can kind of put anything you want in the Mango Magic, and that could be your drink. What if a Mango Magic is just gin? Yeah, that's the magic. The magic is there's no mango. Yeah. It's pure gin. I'm going to start offering guests, you fancy a Mango Magic? And I'm going to be like, yes, I do. Gin. In a coffee cup. Drink it down. Catherine's on the mango magics again. Yeah, I like it. You know, Joe's a real outside-the-box guy. And I don't think that you would draw a parallel between myself and Joe Wilkinson.

51:10Never. But actually, at the core, we're quite similar. Describe the core more. I think that he's a rebel, and I identify that way as well. Like, I'm not waiting for someone to give me permission to do something. I don't need accolades for being like, oh. You know how some people probably come on your podcast, especially these Hollywood actors that you've got now, and they curate their menu and they want to sound clever, and they do this with Desert Island Discs too. You'll have politicians on there sometimes who are like, oh, I like listening to The Cure, and it's like, you are a fucking liar.

51:49And I don't mind if people think that the music I like or the food I eat or the places I go are trash. I'm a mix of high and low media like Joe Wilkinson. So, you know, you could see me in the nicest restaurant. You could also see me running away from a man with a full, full pants on a whiz airplane.

52:14Christmas Day for you, Catherine Ryan, what's that look like? Oh, I have been here for 19 years in the UK. So I've adopted some of your traditions. I like when people dress up on Christmas day. I like when people have matching pajamas the day before. And I really like champagne on Christmas morning and orange juice. I think that's fun. All that is fun. But I've ruined that by having kids. So Christmas is really magical when they're little, but it's a lot of work. So usually now it will be my husband and I trying to build things that Santa's elves have dropped off. Yes. Until like four in the morning.

52:53And then the kids are up at like 5.30 and we're just fighting for our lives. And we really discourage family from coming anywhere near us. Right. Yeah. That's what we like. Just our family. I only like the people that I've made. And then sometimes I look around and I hate them because I go, everyone at this house has been inside of me.

53:23on Christmas Day, is it you... Is it you or Bobby who gets to carve the placenta? Are you having all the traditional trimmings for Christmas dinner? I do like that, yeah. But we've had some arguments because, Bobby, it won't surprise you to know Bobby just likes ham. Yeah. Of course, no way Bobby's eating turkey ever. Bobby hates, Bobby laments the whole idea of turkey. He doesn't like any of the trimmings. He doesn't like any sides. Of course, I'm not doing York shows or anything because I can't eat bread. I like roast potatoes. I like the veg. I love cabbage. I love all of that. Chicken. I like gravy.

54:06But I do like to defer to my husband sometimes. Last Christmas, I did two different honey roast hams and I did a mustard roulette. So we had like a horseradish mustard and we had a whole grain mustard and we had a hot mustard, an English mustard and a yellow mustard, French mustard. We did like loads of mustards and a few big hams and Bobby was really excited about that. Was it a random thing of what mustard you got? Was it like, or was it as the questions progressed to eat at a hotter one each time? Whoa, James, Ed, it was not random, but you've just given me an idea for next year. Because we also used to play this drinking game in Canada where you, maybe you have it here, in between rounds of soggy biscuit.

54:55Make sure you wash your hands in between. Yeah. Where you do a bunch of shot glasses on one of those, what's it called? The Lazy Susan? The Lazy Susan. Yes, Lazy Susan. Okay.

55:10And you fill it with clear liquids. So round one, five are water and then five could be like vodka, gin, zambuca, whatever. And then round two, four are water, four are the other clear. And you spin it and everybody takes shots. Do you have that here? We have similar things, I think. I never got on board with those sorts of games when I was like drinking a lot when I was younger because to me, the punishment shouldn't be that you have a drink. Oh. Because you're drinking, right? So to me, I'd get the water and I'd be like, oh, fuck. Keep going, spin again, spin again. But yeah, we have similar games to that.

55:46But as adults, don't you think that would be fun now, but with ham and mustard? Yeah. I would love to do a mustard one. Yeah, where it's like you don't know what, or like a spicy one, you don't know what it is. And one of them's custard, but you don't know. The best one. I would love to get the custard one. Oh, man. James traditional ham and custard Christmas. You know what? I've been to America, and they have places that's like frozen custard. and I got really excited when I first went there and I was like a frozen custard place and it's just ice cream and I was like oh why is it not literally frozen custard yeah that would be fucking great and I don't know why someone doesn't just open an actual frozen custard store now like I might do it but ice cream ice cream is sort of frozen custard you know what you're talking about okay it would be great I just love it it's not even frozen actually like uh I guess custard

56:45that would be great you want a custard shop I would love to go in and it's just like it looks like you know it's all like all tubs like ice cream but it's all just cold custard yeah and they just put loads of and it's all custard different flavours and they just put that in a massive like like a milkshake like takeaway cup and it's all just in there layered up loads of custard and I'd go away and eat that that'd be great that would be nice You do that? Yeah. I feel like if that place existed, you'd be dead within a week, James, to be honest. You'd be in the doorway of the custard shop. What a way to go.

57:20I'd love to go like that. Bury me in the custard, man. For your dessert, you wanted a Tootsie Roll cheesecake. Oh, still do. Is that a real thing? I can't remember. No. So you invented that. What is a Tootsie Roll cheesecake? Well, I love Tootsie Rolls. and some of your guests who've come in from further away will know Tootsie Rolls, but they are, yeah, they're available here too. It's sort of like a chocolatey caramel molasses. It's kind of like a bit more dense fudge. I don't know. It's delicious. And I really love cheesecake. And I think you and I were just talking about my love for both those things, but that I can't have the biscuit bottom of cheesecake.

58:04So make that Tootsie Roll. here we go it does sound good however you're not about to get a Tootsie Roll cheesecake you're going to get the dream dessert Joe Wilkinson which is a plain Vionetta yeah

58:21it's a solid choice I think I think that was the one I was happiest with with Joe are you a Vionetta fan? I think they look luxurious yes yeah they very much look luxurious I've never actually eaten one is it it's ice cream just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake yeah and all the chocolate stuff is like solid chocolate yeah so that's the the nice stuff is that it cracks and you've got that like nice texture going on i'd say the mint one is the best personally and uh i think it's crazy to choose the plain one over the mint one but there you go it's joe's dream not mine um but yeah it's like you have a kind of slice of it as opposed to a scoop and how many vienettas would you say you've eaten in your life, James?

59:05Good question. Do you know what? I bet it's not as much as I'd think. We didn't really do Vionettas much in our household, despite being massive ice cream heads. My memory of Vionettas is Vionettas you have to... I just thought I'd say something while you calculate how many Vionettas you've had in your life, James. Yeah, and no answer I'm going to come up with now is... I mean, it's going to be a number, isn't it? I don't know how funny it's going to be. you should you should go off on this tangent my memory of in and i've not had a viennetta in years sadly but i feel like with viennettas i just remember you had to take them out of the freezer about a year before you wanted to eat them so you'd like everyone would arrive for lunch like sunday lunch family lunch you'd be like we've got a viennetta before we put the chicken in the oven let's get the viennetta out of the freezer because they are rock fucking solid those things but when you give them the time out there on the counter and then you cut a slice beautiful the crack as you cut through a vionetta pure heaven i probably had less than 10 in my life wow i think i think i've probably maybe even less than i i i would guess five yes my entire life uh in terms of times i've had vionettas each time there would be like one or two slices so if you had them all up i probably had one vionetta in my entire lifetime i imagine joe unwrapping his, you know, like a burrito and just eating it on the sofa, bite by bite.

1:00:32Yeah. Chomping down on it. It's all in his beard and stuff. It's dripping down, but he doesn't care. Keira Knightley comes along. I really want a mint bayonetta now. Yeah. I might see if we can get one after this. We've got to stop doing this because this happened last night where we asked for something on stage and then Jilly, the tour manager, had to sort it out. She had to go out and buy something and bring it to the stage. She's not buying anything with a knife that sharp.

1:00:59When Joe was on, the secret ingredient that he would have got kicked out for was, and this should ring some bells for you, 42 calippos. Oh, yes. What did you do for the mayor again? So Joe and I were together on our series of Taskmaster. And I, yeah, and that was when our love affair began. I decided to rap for the Lord Mayor. Oh, you rap. I used to do a lot of rapping, and then after White Moms, I retired. Because, I don't know, Black Lives Matter really came into the forefront, and I was like, I am doing a lot of white nonsense. And so I stopped. And White Moms went very, it got like 40 million views.

1:01:44Are you familiar with White Moms? No, I'm laughing because I think when the Black Lives Matter movement started, a lot of white people we all reflected on stuff and our behaviour but I don't know if many people went I've got to stop rapping

1:02:01that was your thing it was one of the microaggressions that I needed to be aware and thank you for stopping I think it did a lot for the cause everyone was very grateful but I still wrote a couple raps like I'd like to rap again and I think that I just for just for the listener i turned to the audience as if to say do you want to hear katherine rap and 10 10 seconds of silence later someone whooped well because i think you can do a lot of good with rapping so um people

1:02:40i never set out to offend men in my comedy if i do it's just a bonus for me and I think that as a feminist people assume that I would be against a lot of the music that objectifies women but I'm not, I love it I just think that we should also have music that objectifies men and specifically dads so I've really focused a lot of my work in the last six years on objectifying dads when I see them and I wrote a rap that was I'll do it for you now but if you cut it out because of Black Lives Matter but not the black lives in this room apparently they could they they can all sit in here can they oh and my and my rat name is k rye jelly okay that's good to know thank you for the content thank you it goes i'll see if i can remember it i shouldn't just have this to memory okay it goes k rye jelly because my ass is fat when i shake it on the score on people jelly that it's a fact excuse me if i'm hot and bothered i'm distracted by the penises of some of the fathers like which dad will I fuck today I objectify men to prove I'm really not gay I love their dicks and I love their balls they're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player a fee um uh what is it they're they're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player a big deal I'm an owl female I fuck so many dads I'm selling pussy wholesale orthodontist that's my hoe engineer that's my hoe school headmaster that's my hoe builder pilot both my hosts every man is just built for sex when I sit on their face I shout yo who's next they call me text me I'm like chill i don't love you be for real i got my husband you're a groupie begging for a dollar when you're not worth a root be a disrespect and devalue men they still buy tickets to my shows and then i fuck them again when well well wait that's actually good i disrespect to devalue men and they still buy tickets to my shows and then i fuck them again when will gender roles be dismantled in hip-hop and when will your dad come by and show me his big cock and then and then yeah it's good it's good rapping well you see it's for a cause yeah very important I did celebrity men I'd be like Bradley Cooper that's my hoe Jackie Chan that's my hoe Stephen Hawking was my hoe yeah and I miss it I miss it a lot lot yeah i think you should go back to rapping well when there's equality and the whites sort themselves out i will that might be the push that some white poof people finally need to get their act together so they'll never hear kathleen ryan rap again until they sort it out what do you think of at the end of the the menu now what do you think overall of joe's meal Joe is so unhinged.

1:05:37I love him. I think he's pure of heart. I think that his menu is not too bad, actually. I like chicken keeves. But I do feel this way, boys. I think that you're on this earth by some type of magic miracle. And if you can, and if you have the means to, like food is so exciting. it's such an indulgence you should make every meal as delicious as it can be so why you would set out to have the disappointing version of everything like if you love peas eat peas if you love viennetta have the best most like perfectly thawed viennetta that you can have but don't have like the shit version of anything because you're worth more yeah powerful words powerful words from K.

1:06:29Rye Jelly but I wonder how they would sound in a rhyme I had one about the NHS

1:06:40but you'll have to wait till the world is equal I don't remember that one but it was during the COVID stuff and I'll just give you this little insight is it was to thank the workers and it was called Make That Ass Clap for the NHS.

1:07:03And at one point I was getting double jabbed. We'll leave it there. We'll leave it there and what a lovely way to end this episode of The Tasting Menus live at the Royal Albert Hall. Please give it up for Catherine Ryan!

1:07:22thank you so much thank you so much everyone enjoy the rest of your weekend bye bye see you later

1:07:38well there we are Jimmy James that's Catherine Ryan at the Royal Albert Hall where she belongs yes very much so great episode Catherine's got podcasts you know yeah she's got two Telling everybody everything And What's my age again What's my age again What's my age again Which is a really good idea for a podcast But one I never want to be a guest Nobody likes you when you're 23 She takes your blood for that one Huh? She takes your blood What? Is that true? Yeah Why? And tells you your biological age And you'll come No, that's a different podcast That's my new podcast oh that's that's good called all the small things it's called Ed Gamble wanks you off yeah and I big everyone up for ages I go through their CV and I'm like that was brilliant and then the big finish at the end is I genuinely wank them off how many nights are you doing at the Royal Abel quite a few I'd imagine we're doing eight eight nights yeah and some matadays yeah getting some young bucks on see if we can hit the ceiling yeah I'll tell you what Dragon Wright's there Yeah If you manage to hit the scene And it'll roll out But holy That's good stuff Thank you to Catherine Thank you to you all Thank you to Benito For editing this shit And You can all look forward To another Bonus episode soon Bye

1:09:17Thank you.