Kiell Smith-Bynoe (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

0:14Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Bonus! Bonus! It's a bonus live episode, James.

0:20James Acaster: The Royal Albert Hall! The Royal Albert Hall, 14th of March, evening show. Evening show. We'd already done a matinee, but you wouldn't know it with the amount of energy that we bring to the separate. episode. Plucky boys, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. And our guest is Kyle Smith-Bino. Obviously returning, Kyle Smith-Bino, this is a tasting menu. We gave him the menu of another previous fan favourite guest. Yes. Talked him through those choices. But this one got away from us, James. It went off in many different directions. It did. There might be some stuff we refer to that happened in the first half, although there's a lot happening in the second half that might They equally make no sense.

0:57James Acaster: I mean, it's worth telling you as a listener that Kyle does come on dressed as a chef. Yes. And yeah, you should know that. Chef White's little chef. Comes dressed as one of his famous characters. Yes, it's a character. And also we make reference to singing a song at the end of the show. We did karaoke at the end of the show. We can't put that on the episode for multiple reasons. Song rights and also quality. It was, I'd say, one of the worst closings to a show the Royal Apple Hall has ever seen. Yeah, this show was really fun and went really well. The ending was neither of those things and you are not missing out.

1:36No, don't worry about missing out.

1:39James Acaster: Yeah, it was bad. It was a really... In terms of shows that I've done in my life and I include stand-up in this, I'd say it's the most kind of like the show was brilliant and then the end was one of the worst things I've ever done. It should have been good. Yeah, it should have been good. It was a good idea. But we didn't quite pull it off. So don't worry, it's not on here. But you didn't miss it. You didn't miss anything. You didn't miss anything. I mean, what else to tell you, I guess? Just have fun, enjoy yourself, relax. Yeah. Listen to the podcast, I guess. Kick back, enjoy. Kick back and enjoy.

2:12This is the Off Menu Tasting Menu of Kyle Smith Bino.

2:17James Acaster: Kyle Smith bonus. Oh, no.

2:30We're very excited because now we are going to do a tasting menu of the Off Menu Podcast. Kick us off. Kick us off, Ed Gamble, like only you can. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the chocolate of conversation, putting it delicately into the mouth of humour, and only then realising it was the cat shit of podcasting.

2:59This is a tasting menu episode where we invite back an old fan favourite guest and give them another menu from another fan favourite guest and we are very excited that tonight's guest is Kyle Smith-Bido! Welcome home to the stage! Let's get him on straight away! Hit the music! Bring him on!

3:23James Acaster: Well, he didn't tell us he was doing this. Hello.

3:31So striking, such a handsome chef. This hat is tight. Well, let's pop you down in a chair, shall we, Chef Kael? Welcome.

3:41James Acaster: Where did you get the outfit from, Kael? I asked my friend if I could borrow it eight years ago. And he said yes. and it's been in a bag on the back of my door for exactly eight years. Then I took it to get pressed, and they said it can't be done. It's been creased for so long. So paid double, got it pressed. They said they can't do the hat, they haven't got enough time. I guess what did you originally ask to borrow eight years ago? Yes, that's the question, yes. Right, sure. I, when I was whatever eight years ago was I created a character called Miles White who was going to be a TV chef and I was like wouldn't it be fun to do a character that will live and die and then you never think about it again so I was going to do a character for one year and I was going to do videos and stuff and then he was going to die and then that would have been the end of it never did it How far did you get with the character?

4:43Can you tell us anything about Miles White? Yeah, there was quite a lot of character development. He was Australian. He didn't know he was black. That was his thing.

4:56I spent quite a lot of time looking up wigs and I found a really good Richard Branson wig that I was going to get for the character and was going to cast his wife and children. the children would have been white that would have been funny yeah and

5:15James Acaster: so a full family I've never spoken about this before so when he dies there's a whole family and like wife and kids that he's leaving behind so it's quite sad at the end yeah yeah yeah

5:27can you give us a quick blast of the voice we need to start the podcast officially but just before we do I'd love to hear a little bit from Miles White

5:35James Acaster: and this won't be the last we hear from him tonight, there's no way we're not teeing you up for this on multiple occasions. Yeah, I guess there's going to be quite a lot of, oh shit, it's burnt. Oh, so he's a bad chef? He was forgetful. It's a really important character detail of Miles White. Very forgetful chef. Yeah, he was quite forgetful. Is Miles White not aware that he's black or has Miles White forgot that he's black?

6:05it's just never mentioned but his wife his wife would be Caucasian and as a result so would the children and he would never reference the fact that his children couldn't possibly be his yes but he'd probably go hang on a second you can't be my kids and then he'd forget the day after yeah Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you do this? Oh, maybe I will bring it back. Yeah.

6:35James Acaster: I think you should do it. You've got the outfit. It looks good on you. Yeah? Thank you. It looks really cool. And you should be Miles White and start it. And everyone here would know, you know, the full where it's heading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That it's going to die. I've honestly never spoken about it before. So doing it in front of this many people is insane. When you put the outfit on, you must have thought it might come up. LAUGHTER

7:01Oh, yeah. I thought I could distract you with other stuff, but I guess not. James, speaking of characters, you, of course, play a genie in this podcast. I've got to do my proper entrance, Kyle. Oh, yeah, sure, of course. I'm afraid. Now, Kyle, obviously, James is a genie. He's going to be coming out of the lamp. A lot of people are confused now because they're thinking, where's James gone? Apart from the people sat over here. Right, because they can see him. They can see him, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could possibly rub the lamp for us to get James out of the lamp, that would be great. And then the podcast has started.

7:34And then the podcast has started when you've got the genie out of the lamp. That would be great, thank you.

7:37James Acaster: Rub it as the character? Miles White. Who's saying that? How would Miles White rub the lamp? Can I say that I've had loads to drink?

7:54You can. We saw Kyle when he arrived. we did a sound check this afternoon and then we had a bit of a chat in the dressing room and I'd say about ten minutes before the first half started Kyle went, yeah well I guess I'll just see you on stage and we were like, I don't need to just see us on stage we thought maybe he's got some work to do turns out he's been drinking tequila and apple juice I will have to go to the toilet at some point during this recording well the quicker you rub the lamp the less wheezy you'll have to do I'm doing squats back here man, come on any part in particular or just well there's a funny way and there's a less funny way.

8:38James Acaster: Yay!

8:46James Acaster: Welcome! Miles White's Chicken Dream Restaurant with been expecting you the tough time.

8:55Sit you down, Jeannie. Thank you. Welcome, Jeannie. Nice to welcome Miles White. I can't be Miles White now because I have the wig. Oh, it's all about the wig, is it? Yeah, it is mainly in the hair. But you never bought the wig? I never bought the wig, but I Googled it loads.

9:16James Acaster: Look, we're going to give you another guest's menu tonight. So it's not going to be your dream menu. it's going to be another guest stream. Yeah, I was sort of worried about that. Why? Because I don't like a lot of stuff. Uh-huh. Well, you know, he likes what he likes. But I feel like a lot of my responses will be, that's bullshit, man. Yeah. Yeah. Although, sorry, before we start quickly, I just have a few things that I wanted to chat to you guys about. Please. If it's about how this was a chef character, we know that already. Right. Just to be clear, you've already told us about Miles White.

9:50James Acaster: Oh, I have. Yeah. I know that you can't forget. No, it's just a couple of things. I haven't seen you boys in a while. No, it's been a while. I'll write it down. Okay. What's your problem with Pizza Hut? With Pizza Hut? Yeah. I think I've been quite complimentary about Pizza Hut over the years because I like the sort of golden, almost fried taste of the base of the pizzas. I'm a big fan of that. What have we said about Pizza Hut in the past that's upset you? So I did this podcast in 2022. Yeah. It came out in 2023. Yeah, sorry about that. Every week. Oh, it'll be me. It'll be me this time.

10:31And then off that, I got offered... Offered? Is that the right word? Okay. Depending on what the next word is.

10:44I got offered the part of a pasta puppet. in Dolmio adverts. Oh! That's the dream role. So me and John Kearns play pasta puppets. What? Hang on, when did this happen? This, like, end of 2023 and maybe beginning... Hold on, you did it? Yeah.

11:05James Acaster: Kearns has never mentioned this. No. You and Kearns are the Dolmio puppets. Yeah. No, not the Italian ones. But you can do it. You can do all the different accents we found out tonight. There were, like, new ones. Has anyone seen that advert? There's like one messy one and there's one like... How can nobody have seen it? How much have you had to drink, Kyle? It was, I'm like a messy spaghetti pasta puppet. And then John Cairns is like a... What's the... Penny? Penny. So you're literally made of pasta. You're not Dolmillo family members who just love pasta. No, you can't do that. So that's what they were trying to correct.

11:48Yeah.

11:49James Acaster: So we can't do that Italian family anymore. Yeah. They're stereotypes. So we want you two to be talking pasta. Talking pasta, yeah. And he's got a bow that's made out of, what's the bow one? Furfully. Yes, please. And he's got a bow and he's like sort of straight laced. And he's like, oh, no, you can't do that. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, do what you want. It is exactly like that. And that was off menu. We got that because of off menu. Really? That's what I did. That's what they told me. and then I said Hang on it feels like if they want to cast two people to play puppets

12:26from off menu we already know we already know what pasta shapes would be someone asked us last night Oh what's the answer? They made me the one that's all the frilly one Yeah fusely because he's all twisty You're quick with us You're quick with us pasta shapes Yeah yeah yeah I'll do a food podcast man I've learnt the pasta shapes Right And I know how to say jam on

12:51And I'd be Orochietti because they're the little ears and I've got little ears. Little ears? Yeah, that's Orochietti is the ones that are like, they look like little shells, but it literally means small ears because they look like little ears. What's he talking about? I don't always know, but he's a great guy. He's very supportive. My favourite pasta shape because I'm a metalhead is Strozza Preti, which is a strangled priest, that means. That's fucking sick, isn't it? That is cool.

13:20James Acaster: It's demonic. Yeah, it's pretty demonic, but that's cool if you're a metalhead. I like the Campanelli. Oh, yeah. What's that one? No idea. I go to Vapiano's, I say I want the Campanelli, please. Don Mio's staying away from that character, I imagine. But we got that because of... Sorry, how does this relate to pizza? Just so you're aware, if you're not aware of this, to this date, Kyle holds the record for the longest episode we've ever recorded. So. And I'm beginning to get that muscle memory back. I think I remember why. So you aren't going to text your babysitters now. That was true. And then that got beaten.

14:03And I texted Ed about it because I was fucking livid. Yeah. Ross Noble. Oh, yeah. Overtook me. But I still have some records on this podcast. I believe I'm still the only person to shower a place negatively.

14:22That's been left in the edit, sure. I'm still the only one to drink on the podcast?

14:27James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Speaking of, shall we...

14:33James Acaster: Hang on. I didn't even see that when I was behind the lamp. Where's that come from? What the fuck? Do you see that? You must have seen it from your seat. No, I'm genuinely surprised because also, Did you bring this with you or did they buy it? I brought it. You brought it. I brought it from home. Is that true? Yeah. This is good shit, man. I love Eagle Rare. Yeah, yeah. It's one of my favourite bourbons. I got this. What did you ask me? What was the question? You were telling us something. You were telling us a story about Dalmia. You were telling us a story about Dalmia. You were telling us a story about Dalmia.

15:05You were telling us a story about Dalmia. You got the booze out and then you said, what was the question?

15:11I did a play in 2016. Okay, this doesn't feel relevant, but carry on. And I didn't really know anything about drinks, like, properly. I would just drink, like... You poured in that one already.

15:23James Acaster: You keep making ones bigger and then levelling them all out.

15:32James Acaster: That's ridiculous, Kyle. Yeah, they feel level to me. And the director was a whiskey guy, and he was like, you've got to get the eagle rare. So I got this in 2016. Wow, nice. and it was already aged 10 years. And now it's 20. I've already got into bourbon recently. Tell me if you think this is a cool thing to do. I don't know if we have any ice or anything. Oh, don't worry about it. Cheers, lads. Oh, cheers. Thank you for coming. Thank you and cheers, everybody.

16:05I've started watching bourbon YouTubers who are mainly men from the deep south of America and they do one-hour-long videos where they go to different liquor stores and film what's on the shelves.

16:16James Acaster: Yeah. And I will watch those every night. Send me the link. I will. That is nice, isn't it? That's really nice. It's really lovely. That is nice. So, Peter's heart, you... I then... Can I say you're not the only guest to drink on the podcast now? You're the only guest to do an evening record, if that helps. Right. You're the only one who's done an evening record, but Finn Wolfhard had a Guinness. That little kid? Yeah.

16:47Is he even allowed to drink? How old is he?

16:50James Acaster: He's 23 now. He's probably 21 when he has that Guinness. Yeah, he was 14. It was Stranger Things Series 1 we interviewed him. He went straight to the upside down as soon as he said that Guinness. Well, I messaged you when I said, we got this job because of off-menu, so I'd want to celebrate and I want to take you guys to pizza. and Ed immediately said no fucking way and he said he doesn't want it he doesn't want to go to pizza so now three years later I'm asking you what's the problem with pizza I think maybe I was taken back that your immediate go to for a celebration and a thank you for getting you I'd imagine a very highly paid advertising job was to take me to the cheapest restaurant in Britain it would have been nice to receive the invite

17:47James Acaster: I know it seems like he's the boss not his work for the podcast but this was before I had your number oh okay and you didn't know anyone you could ask via but since I've had your number look at all the fun we've had you accidentally set my picture as your profile picture remember that? yeah I did Kyle texted me said how's it going I was like who is this and he sent a photo of him like on the beach with a cocktail so I was like I'm going to save that as Kyle's contact picture and accidentally saved it as my contact picture you old fucking man he's so old and I had to tell Kyle oh no how about my bits he says Kyle going I've done this by mistake some people are texting me about it and then Kyle just texts it back going keep as is question mark I think I've got to so I did for quite a while it was just you like that I liked it I don't know why I changed it back oh sorry there's a few other I'll get through this quickly so yeah sorry I would love to right that wrong and go to pizza with you in the future great yeah James you coming yeah I'd love it yeah fantastic and we've got witnesses so it has to happen yeah we've spoken about the longest episode thing

19:05crispy cream chat we'd avoid that Jan 3 what does Jan 3 mean? Jan 3? you're asking me what something that you've written down means big time Jan 3, January 3rd I'd imagine it's got to be January 3rd

19:22James Acaster: not just a third woman you've met called Jan

19:27Ed and I and two other people that's not how you say it can't wait to hear about something else I wasn't invited to I just remember what it was and you are about to hear about that, yeah. No, you were invited, I think. Unavailable again. I'll get to that. The dinner that we went for. Yes, on Jan 3. On Jan 3. Yeah. Meet you, Phil Wang, Alex Horn. Yes. Sounds fun. Sounds like a fun night out. We had a great time. We did. And we said, we should do this more often. Yes. That was Jan 3, 2025. That was the last time we did that. You're very much the only one trying to keep that WhatsApp group going.

20:12I'm really trying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quite hard. You're not getting anything out of Horn. Now and again, I reply. Yeah. And Wang's dead to the world on that group. So how do we... James, how do we revive that?

20:23James Acaster: Oh, it's up to me to get that gang going again. I think so. The guy didn't even make the draft the first time. And you want me to get Ed, Wang, and Horn, who doesn't reply to anything unless it's a response to me saying that I will do something for him as a favour. I can't help you here, brother. Okay. We should definitely do that again, though. That was nice. Well, that's what I've been saying in the group. Yeah. What I would say is the thing... You like to eat very late. True. Because we got a booking for 9pm for a table on Jan 3, and everyone else was like, fucking hell, 9pm, that's the only table we could get.

21:02And you genuinely said, that's a bit early for me. I just like to chase the night, boys.

21:10James Acaster: Well, I'm sorry that everyone on the Jan Free group is ghosting you.

21:20James Acaster: Maybe add Charlotte Ritchie to the group. She can talk to them for you. Yeah.

21:30Okay, quickly. Look, we haven't got much time. Last thing on this.

21:34James Acaster: 20 minutes in, haven't revealed who the guest is yet. Whose menu you're going to have. 20 minutes in. A third of the way through, normally. When are either of you going to do my fucking improv show? You've asked me to do that show four or five times now. The answer's been no every time. When are you going to take the fucking in? Absolutely don't want to do that show. Come on, James, it's good. Well, look, I will do it if you do it as Miles White all night. If you're in character as Miles White for the whole lead, then I will do your improv show. That could not work. Well, bad luck. No, go on. What about next Saturday?

22:19James Acaster: Next Saturday? Yeah. Hang on. Yeah, I'll check my diary. Hang on. Kyle, I'm doing it next Saturday. Don't fucking try and oust me right now. Genuinely is. Tickets still available? No, it's sold out. Well, look, that's the end of my stuff. That was my list. Now, what's this podcast about?

22:47James Acaster: We're going to give you the menu of another guest, of a past guest. Is there anyone in particular that you're hoping for whose menu you think you might enjoy? Bridget Christie. Oh, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah. Well, it's Bob Mortimer.

23:05Nice picture. Lovely picture. We never know what photo Benito has chosen, but it's another absolute pearler. That is fantastic. What a cute little cat.

23:14James Acaster: Yeah. And the kitten on his shoulder. Yeah. Bob Mortimer, how do you feel about that? You excited about having Bob Mortimer's menu? Yeah, I really like him. I've never met him. I think he's hilarious. I don't know what he eats. we should invite him to the next jan three meetup oh shit yeah yeah well it depends let's see how this goes now for your water course when you came on in 2022 but didn't get released for 2023 you had still water bob mortimer has chose for his dream water course don't also still yes so that's got to feel good we're off to a good start where you and bob are both having still water together we've got something in common yeah you could have a well what would you chat to bob about over the watercourse.

24:00James Acaster: Don't you hate sparkling? Yeah, that's what all the still guys chat about, isn't it? They really slag off sparkling. I think there's fucking shape. Any good? Another accent. You've got another character on your head, isn't it? Who would be your character from the northeast of England? We can try and get a new character for you now. Alan. Is his surname Shearer, by any chance? Yeah, I see what's happened in my subconscious You chose hard-o bread Yes Remember that? Yeah, and I bet he's done exactly the same Bob Mortimer's dream bread is Lukewarm crusts with olive oil and butter Lukewarm crusts? Yeah, yeah Just the crusts It's exactly what it sounds like Yeah Crusts of what?

24:50Oh, I'm going to go ahead and say bread

24:57James Acaster: yeah but what like what white bread toast well i mean i guess because he's not specified we could do lukewarm hardo bread crusts yes please with what butter and with olive oil and butter yeah good choices man you like this already yeah i'm into this you just get the crust lukewarm i'm guessing what what bob would have liked is like just like normal sliced bread from the shop like white bread like that kind of standard and then just the crusts because i don't think i don't think it's the middle or anything he wants the crust he only wants the crusty bits to dip and lukewarm to dip in what does lukewarm mean good question okay let's get into this.

25:43Like, room temp?

25:46James Acaster: No, that's room temp. Right, sure. But what... How... How far is Luke Warm off room temp? I think Luke Warm is definitely warmer. Yeah. But not... It's not warm. It's not hot. It's not hot. I think Luke Warm is subjective. Okay. Hmm. I don't think it is. I think... lukewarm is like any temperature descriptor is subjective right because some people will have a very hot cup of tea and they'll be like that's perfect and someone else will say that's that's hot that's too hot science it is the opposite of science is what i'm saying it's purely

26:34how warm you think things are our religion lukewarm would also be a great uh new character for you, I think. Luke Warm. Where's Luke Warm from? What's he sound like?

26:46James Acaster: Luke Warm. That sounds like a superhero. Yeah, but like not... Shit one. Yeah.

26:55James Acaster: Not the A-team, is it? It's not like your first choice. He's not like any of the fire superheroes who can blast fire out of their hands. He just sort of gently warms people. Yeah, he's not getting that call-out from Dr. X. Yeah. He just makes Dr. Doom feel quite cosy. Wait, what's that guy's name? Professor X. Yeah. Who's Dr. X? Dr. X is just a GP. I think... Is Dr. X the baddie from the Action Men figures? Thank you. Oh, wow. You know, remember on the adverts where... Would he, like, shoot an X out of his chest or something? I do remember that. Yeah. And it was in the Argos catalogue. It was in the Argos catalogue, yeah.

27:35Yeah. Do you miss the Argos catalogue? Real bad. Good. Yeah, flick it through their pages like that. Are the listeners getting this? Nothing. Straight to the bras? That's what I did.

27:54James Acaster: Learning a lot about... More fingers, I need more fingers. So you would go to... Two fingers, you'd go through the Argos catalog and flip through it like that. Running through it. And Ed went straight to the bras? Straight to the bras. I'd just go in the back index, page 172, bras. And they'd keep coming over and go, can we help you, sir?

28:18James Acaster: Now, a lot of people in this room will remember, so shout out before we reveal it. If you remember Bob Mortimer's starter, shout it out now. Yeah. Correct, it is the Odeon Cinema Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard. I'd say not only is this a fan favourite menu, but this course in particular is a fan favourite. Yeah. People really liked Bob choosing the OG cinema hot dog. Now you look annoyed. I don't mind that, actually. I mean, not as a main, surely. This is a starter. I know it feels like we're at the mains, Kyle, but you have to remember you had a bunch of minutes at the beginning that you had to go for a bunch of...

29:02James Acaster: Get your own schedule. I quite like that. Do you like a cinema hot dog I do But they're getting out of hand How so They've gone mad There's too much stuff on them Yeah Jalapenos Fucking bacon Cheesy bits Yeah The horrible cheese sauce Yeah yeah yeah All of that shit Crispy onions I do like that Yeah That's always something isn't it I do like that Jalapenos All of that stuff Did I say jalapenos already Yeah yeah yeah Cheers the OG like sausage in a bun yeah you're putting me in your house catalogue again squiggle it on the sausage not the bread and I'm saying that because my friend Charlotte she Charlotte Ritchie not that one well you've got to say not Charlotte Ritchie I'm afraid because everyone thinks that you hang out with Charlotte Ritchie all the time sure Could you own a house that is haunted?

30:06She Charlotte my friend not Charlotte Richie. Thank you. She made she brought her kids round because I got a paddling pool in the garden the other day not the other day when it was hot and she May you don't you don't but you don't have kids. I don't have kids But I was like that important but she doesn't have a garden

30:29Perfect so

30:31James Acaster: So you had a Padden Pool anyway? Yeah. I was like, well, it is hot. It's 34. And when it's 34 in London, do something about it. Yeah. So I... But you already owned a Padden Pool? No, I went to Argos.

30:49Hours that took to fill up. And in the meantime, she made some hot dogs for the kids. And me. And when she put the ketchup on it, she did it all over. on the bread as well. Oh, so she put the Frankfurter in first. She didn't put it on the bread and then put the sausage in. Imagine that. That's fucked up, man.

31:14James Acaster: How did you even think of that? This is crazy comedy mind. He's a creative.

31:24I don't know where I get my ideas from. But you mean she put the Frankfurter in and then her swoops were so wide that she was touching the outside. Yeah, but that sounds like it was an accident. Right. She was doing it, de lib. Right. How far onto the bread was she? Never heard that abbreviated before.

31:41James Acaster: We're sitting with the inventor of Platy Jubes here. You can abbreviate it, isn't it? Of course. The OG Platy Jubes is here. He's going to say de lib.

31:51She, I was just thinking about going into that, but we've done it.

31:58James Acaster: You did it in 2022? All over the bread. And sausage. And sausage. But you want it on the sausage. Yeah, of course. You just don't want it on the bread. But you don't want it. What's the issue with it being on the bread for you? Like, are you okay? I thought you'd lost your fucking voice. Stop chipping in every five seconds. Oh, it's her. Sorry. Apologies. Who's that? Oh, sorry. Kyle, we shouldn't let you know. there is an audience here. There's an audience. We got to know him in the first half. Someone just got told off for no reason and he didn't even do anything because this person keeps chipping in with stuff that literally Ed asking you like why don't you want it on the bread and they're going messy.

32:42James Acaster: You're talking to the only person in this room with a spare seat next to them. I'm aware that you I'm aware that you know what it is because it's messy but Kyle's up here because you'll probably give a more amusing answer than that. Kyle, why don't you like the ketchup on the bread? I see Brilliant The bard No but it is Where do you Where do you hold it then? If the ketchup's on the bread Where are you going to hold it? Well it's not all the way She's not She's not wrapping it All the way around the bread It's like turning the hot dog over Making sure we've got some On the bottom there Lovely Like a twister ice cream You've got to Oh I would Now you've made it sound nice You'd quite like that wouldn't you Yeah yeah Pinching you pinch the bottom I guess pinch the bottom and then in yeah what was it with ketchup and mustard yeah and mustard yeah but here's the thing with Bob's one there's a caveat yeah so he goes with his son to the cinema who's a grown up and they get these and they get the ketchup and mustard put on the hot dog side by side and then Bob for his son why have you said side by side well the ketchup and the mustard is put on side by side two lines or two swirls but like side by side just like not touching.

33:57James Acaster: Well, which one is it, James? Two lines. I think it's two lines. Two lines. You think that's disgusting? Two lines. And then Bob gets his finger. Two lines are mine too. Bob gets his finger. Don't worry, because they will be touching. Bob gets his finger. Yeah. And on his son's hot dog, he goes like this and mixes them back and forth in a wavy line. And then he lifts up his finger that's covered in mustard and ketchup. He says, it's good to be alive, son. And then he licks it off his finger. it's a sweet thing for a dad to do he mixes it for his life that every time it's part of their tradition when they go to the cinema I'd stop going

34:35unenjoyable experience I can't really eat a hot dog in the cinema because especially with all that stuff on it because you look down when the lights come up at the end they're just covered in jalapenos and crispy onions yeah too much stuff do you think there's a film that's inappropriate to eat a hot dog during if you saw

34:55maybe two pig in the sea

35:00yeah probably loads yeah not one's coming to mind Kyle's improv show is next Saturday at the Wolfenstein so has it

35:11James Acaster: main course you had a confit duck leg with Dauphin Roast potatoes honey roasted carrots and parsnips lovely gorgeous but you're not getting that today you're getting the dream main course of Bob Mortimer which is Chicken Vindaloo with three poppadoms and chips from the new Darwinium. Darwinium. Darwinium. I don't like Indian food.

35:34James Acaster: Here we go. Kyle, a chance to save... This is why you booked the Royal Albert Hall. A chance to save yourself. A chance to save yourself. Was that you speaking or was it Miles White? I don't fucking like Indian food. I don't. Sorry. I can't get on board with it. I don't like the spices. I don't like Indian. I don't like Mexican. Okay. Let's clip that up. Clip that up.

36:05There's not one Indian or Mexican in here.

36:09James Acaster: Just getting rid of the term food now, are we? Just going straight in. All we need is a clip of you saying, I don't like Indian. I don't like Mexican. There's not one of them in here. I just don't I don't know what it is It's not the spice level Why have you sat forward? Because I want to I want to make this clear Before I can relax It's not the spice level It's the taste I just don't enjoy it I don't know what it is I don't know what herbs They got up in that bitch But I just I don't like it Pardon me? Is it coriander? Is it coriander? Cayelle

36:55it could be it could be the coriander maybe thank you for your thank you thank you it could it could be is that the only thing that joins the two no what did you say cumin cumin not been called that before um maybe uh I don't know what it is but I don't enjoy it I do like spice I like African spice I like Caribbean spice I like Chinese spice um give me another one

37:31James Acaster: I don't know what was that was Posh and Baby

37:37James Acaster: come on I like it I like that I don't know if it's against me but I like it No, it's not against you. Not against you. I think it's against you here. We're on your side, apart from the racism. I'm allowed.

37:56The, yeah, I don't know what it is, but Indian and Mexican is a big no for me. So that's off the table for Jan 3. When we organise another meal for Jan 3, no Indian, no Mexican.

38:06James Acaster: I don't want to go to them. Okay, just two huge cuisines. Yeah. So you're not going to enjoy eating a massive Vindaloo, Chicken Vindaloo. Not at all in any way. What about the popadoms and the chips? I don't think I've ever had a Vindaloo. What is a Vindaloo? It's a pretty spicy curry. Yeah. I don't know exactly what the ingredients are to it, but it's the one that people will always try and flex and be like, I'm real tough, I'm going to get a Vindaloo. Oh, there's a song about it, isn't it? Yeah, do you want to sing it? No. But what is the point of this? What is the song about? It's just promoting it.

38:37It's like a football. It was a song commissioned by Big Vindaloo. it was a football song it was Keith Allen wasn't it

38:46James Acaster: yes was it I thought it was Dennis Penis the guy did Dennis Penis are you saying Dennis Penis do you remember Dennis Penis you don't remember Dennis Penis are you saying Dennis Penis yeah I'm pretty sure I'm saying that this is honestly like watching a Christmas dinner James is the grandchild and you're the granddad the whisky's come out at 11am are you saying Dennis Penis Penis? Yeah, that was his character. Yeah, Dennis Penis. Oh. Paul Kay. Paul Kay's character, Dennis Penis. But I think Paul Kay was in the video for it. Maybe, there were a lot of people in the video for it. They were doing like a parody of The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony, walking down the street and stuff.

39:27James Acaster: And then more and more people were joining. And I swear it started with Dennis Penis, but not as Dennis Penis as the real guy. What real guy? Paul Kay. Paul Kay, the actor. who played Dennis Penis. He also played the therapist in the first series of Ricky Gervais' Afterlife. If that helps you, if that's more to your taste.

39:51Redacted. No, it was Fat Les who was played by Keith Allen. Oh, yes. Fat Les, not Dennis Penis.

40:03James Acaster: Right. Times have really changed. So, okay, but the song was just being like, this is a... What's the point of the song? It was a football song. It was released for the... Was it World Cup or Euros? World Cup. World Cup. And how are those two things related? Can I say I genuinely know the backstory for how they wrote the song, but it's just going to be genuinely tedious. But they wanted something that represented Britain, or England specifically, for the English team, to take them into the World Cup. and they tried to write a song called Chicken Tikka Masala because everyone loves Chicken Tikka Masala, but they worked out very quickly that that didn't scam.

40:44So they had to change it to Vindaloo. Say again? Oh, yeah, so it's Vindaloo, Vindaloo, and we all like Vindaloo. So that doesn't really work with Chicken Tikka Masala, Chicken Tikka Masala. It's me and my dad and my mum and a bucket of Vindaloo, that one. It depends how musical you are. I could have done it. You could do it? I reckon so.

41:10So, yeah, go on. Play out improv show. If you had to write a song where food was the main lyric... Yeah. ...to take England into the World Cup, what food would you choose? Great question. Thank you. Well, it would be bangers and mash, wouldn't it? Oh, that's good, actually. Because what else is English? Tony Noel?

41:34James Acaster: Yeah. what's told in the whole... What is it? Yeah. It's sausages and Yorkshire pudding and then they put gravy on it. Yeah, proper English, that. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to sing it for us now, quickly? Um...

41:51That's a bit country. I don't know. Let me workshop it. I think, if anything, that's too catchy, Kyle. If it was in 2018, they would have got Stormzy to do it. Yeah. And it was told in the whole... I'm holding the boat. Told the mayor there's too many holes in the road.

42:14There it is. That's really good. The problem is now I don't want to stop. Must have been in too many holes in my clothes.

42:32I ain't in service, showed on the folds. It's amazing that as a family the Allens have released Vindaloo and then that song about the husband with the butt plugs in the bag, isn't it? What a body of work that family have.

42:44James Acaster: That song was also called Toad in the Hole. Harkin' out, mate. Yeah. Oh, let me get in on that. Come on.

42:54James Acaster: Really nice. Your dream side dish was creamed spinach. Yeah. Would it still be? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I haven't found a dish that's beaten that yet. Oh, lovely. Maybe creamed corn? I'm sensing a theme here, Kaya. You like the creamed corn? Yeah, I do, yeah. What makes it such a tight race between the spinach and the corn there? You don't really see creamed corn on a menu very often. Sure. So I enjoy when I see a creamed spinach because it's close. I've tried to do creamed corn at home. Bullshit. Yeah? I have... James, I have fucked it up. What happened? How do you make cream corn? What's in there?

43:41James Acaster: Cream. Yeah. If you dare. Okay, yeah. Nutmeg, yeah. Well, you can do anything, really. You've not said corn yet, Kyle. The problem with the internet is...

43:57Everyone's making up like shit. So you can go on different websites. It's got different stuff. And then if you go, oh, I'm just going to try and be adventurous, you can put anything in there and you can still call it creamed corn. But you've just said you've never been able to successfully make creamed corn. That's correct. Yeah. I'm not saying it's good what I've done. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you can sort of just have a go. And whatever you end up with, that's creamed corn, I guess. Have you had the new Nando side, the charred corn, which is basically creamed corn? Yes, I have. Did you like it?

44:28Nope. Okay. Yeah, me neither, man. I fucking love that Do you know what Do you know when this country Went down ill So many new characters tonight When they got rid of Sweet Mash In Nando's Four people agree with me Sweet Mash That's why they got rid of it Yeah What no one else Was into the Sweet Mash That's only eight people I thought I thought that was a banger And I thought When they stopped that They've done they've made a big mistake. Yeah. But I guess it's just me and you ate. Is Nando's as good now? No. As it was. No, it's not. As soon as they brought in that fucking QR code... Is this going to be a rant and saying the pandemic was fake?

45:19I just think it's part of the experience, isn't it? You go up there, they ask you what table you're at. Yeah. It's part of the experience. Yeah, I do agree with that, actually. and now they like scan the thing yeah you can still go up what if I don't have the smart foot I do obviously everyone does but like but you can still go up but they look at you like you're fucking mad yeah

45:44that's a character shocked Nando's

45:48James Acaster: worker Nando's employee wasn't expecting them to come up

45:54James Acaster: I'll workshop that workshop it yeah yeah If you come to Kyle's improv show, a lot of it is him saying, I'll workshop that.

46:04James Acaster: Well, the side dish we'll be giving you today, Bob Mortimer's dream side dish is shallow fried turbot. Bob loves fishing as you... I know two of those words. Fried is when you cook something in a really hot pan. Right. I tried to do an egg in a pot the other day. Egg in a pot? Egg in a pot? So people at the back, he's not being sick. I know it looks like he's being sick, but he's not.

46:37I'd already made something in the pot. I wanted to have an egg as well, but I didn't want to dirty another pan.

46:44James Acaster: Yeah. So I thought I'd do an egg in a pot. You're saying egg in a pot? Yeah. Fried egg. Fried egg in a pot? In a pot, yeah. Okay. You mean in like a saucepan? You tried to fry an egg in a saucepan? No. Wait, what's a saucepan? What's that one? That one's a pan. You can't just mime holding something and saying that one's a pan. We don't know where the hob is. So you doing that gives us nothing. It's not going to appear. This isn't hook. You can't... What's that one? What's that one? It's a dog on a leash, I think. I've decided. right there's a frying pan yeah which is what describe that for us what in your mind is that's uh shallow yes

47:38shallow and wide yes that's a that's a frying pan yeah but uh deep and opposite wide uh Narrow. It's not narrow, though. It's narrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking...

47:58James Acaster: You're trying to explain the difference between a frying pan and a saucepan to yourself. We all know this. I used to date a girl that was... A Polish girl that didn't know the difference between this and that. And let me tell you, you cannot teach it.

48:25Ain't no way.

48:32Anyway, I was trying to do an egg in a pot.

48:41Where's that fucking whiskey gone?

48:45I didn't want to use another It's here Kyle I didn't want to use another thing that I had to wash up so I I put the egg in a pot and so the same pot that you would use to like boil an egg I'm alright man, I'm okay A saucepan A saucepan Sorry I don't think that is a saucepan Did it have a long handle? Did it have a long handle? Okay. Don't ask me what I mean by long. Like, come on, Ed. Handle? The handle's the same size as the rest of the stuff. Yeah, but sometimes pots just have the little handles on the side, don't they? I would call that a pot. A saucepan is something with a longer handle that you would then put on the hob.

49:30That's exactly right. Yeah. So did it have... How long was the handle? None. Okay. It was a saucepan. What had you cooked in it? What I cooked in noodles. Noodles. So you boiled the noodles. Boiled the noodles. That's got to be a saucepan. That's a saucepan. Fine, it's a saucepan. And then I wanted to put an egg on top of the noodles and salmon. And I put the egg in the bottom of the saucepan and tried to make a fried egg. Fucked it up. Real bad. Don't do it. Yeah, I can imagine that. Do you... There's more questions. You'd taken the noodles out? You'd drained the noodles, you'd taken them out, or did you just crack the egg directly on top of them?

50:16I thought I could fry eggs on top of noodles. Sorry, mate, you're already trying to fry an egg in a fucking saucepan. At this point, if you said that's what you did, you're now going to go, what? Is that a character? I was just trying to, like, use less stuff. Sure. Because washing up is, um, oppressive. Did you add any oil or butter to the saucepan before you put the egg in? A little bit of oil. A little bit of oil, okay. That's enough. Yeah. And then I did that, and then I had a mare with the... What went wrong? I was using a saucepan. Yeah. But it should work, because it's a hot surface, and you put oil in, then you put an egg in.

50:55It should fry. It should work. But my only issue with it would be getting the egg out in one piece. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Carnage. Carnage. so that was the problem yeah but maybe there is a way to do it yeah you're still not telling me what went wrong Kyle I guess just like the whole experience okay but what did the egg look like was it edible did you get it out in one piece I ate it okay but

51:22James Acaster: imagine this guy trying to explain to someone the difference between this and that

51:29James Acaster: fucking hell can't even tell you what he did

51:36Has anyone successfully cooked fried an egg in a pot? Really? What did you do? I'm going to come right back to you. What? Well, don't go quiet now. Screaming your head off. What were you saying? Yeah, this is an issue as well. Maybe the pot didn't have the non-stick qualities that you expect from a traditional frying pan. Got to get back to Argos. All right, I'll try that. So, yeah, anyway, that's Turbot. Do you know Turbot? I don't know Turbot, no. Fish, big is, I think known as maybe the king of the fish or the king of the sea. That's kingfish. King of the fish is kingfish, and we all know that.

52:28Fair point. The kingfish who is the king of the fish. Yeah, yeah. It's very flat, wide fish. It's very expensive. It's highly prized. And when you cook it, you have to cook it in a big fish cage. And please don't ask me what that is.

52:47Imagine you saying fish cage to me. Fish cage is not a new sort of weird character you can do that's like Nicolas Cage, but he's a fish. It'd be good, though. But it would be good. Okay, that was the fish part.

53:07He's sad because the cage door got closed. I'll workshop it.

53:15James Acaster: So your dream drink, Kyle. Wait, hang on. So do I want this or not? Oh, you're a fish guy. You like fish? You're having that fish one way or another. You're having it. That's what we're serving you. We've already served you a vindaloo. You've had to have that. Now you've got this turbo. I don't think I've had a tasting menu before. No? I don't think so. Do you like the idea of it? Not really. Yeah. Because it's usually small bits, isn't it? Yeah. No, I like big bits. These are pretty big. You've got a whole turbot here. Yeah. This is big bits, though. This is an unusual tasting menu because it is big bits.

53:52And how's it got... It's not got fucking lemon and that all over it, is it?

53:55James Acaster: He hasn't put that it's got fucking lemon and that all over it. He just said that it's shallow fried. You don't have to put lemon on it. Do you not like lemon on fish? I don't like lemon on anything. Those who remember the podcast will tell you, James. Do you know what? I went to... Ed, I'll tell you. I went to a birthday recently. Yeah. And I was next to... I was at the bar. I was next to James Acaster from Off Menu. Disco. And I ordered tequila and apple juice. Tequila and apple juice. which I spoke about, I think, quite a lot on the podcast. Yes. And James went, tequila and apple juice? What's that about?

54:36And I thought, do you even fucking listen?

54:41James Acaster: Not really. No, I'll forget that anecdote in five minutes. I don't listen back to them. And I loved our chat with you. Also, what you must remember is James is on the podcast as part of the severance programme. right right right right so it's clocking out I don't know what's going on in and out of it I mean right now this makes sense but if you see me outside of here I'm not going to know who you are and don't bring up your chef character to me I've already forgotten his name Miles White thank you for your drink you wanted a cherry old fashioned cherry vanilla old fashioned lovely gorgeous

55:24that restaurant doesn't exist anymore where i got that oh really what was it called no idea it is now like a karaoke place or something like that right oh what's your go-to karaoke song uh nsync girlfriend i don't know that one imagine i just sang the whole song um so when i was in i was about seven and i was in summer school so i grew up in newham nah don't lie i grew up in newham and they used to uh just before the summer holidays they would come out and give you come out they would come around and give you a magazine and you could choose which course you wanted to do during the summer holidays.

56:15So you could do football, you could do art, you could do whatever, blah, blah, blah. I would always choose drama. I did a drama summer school thing at Gainsborough Primary School and... Irrelevant. And I did this show where NSYNC Girlfriend was the first song at the start of the show. There are two raps in that song by Nelly. and they split that between two of the members of the cast, me and Peter Bakari, who recently played volleyball for Team GB in the Olympics. Irrelevant. Anyway, me and him were doing the two different raps in the song and I was doing the first one. Now, I'd been practicing this for like three weeks before we did the show where our friends and family come and watch it.

57:08Oh, well done. This is what they've been doing for the whole of summer. And I've been practicing nonstop, listening to the song, getting those lyrics in my head, making sure that I'm ready for my big day. Big day comes, song starts, I sing the second verse. I sing Peter's verse. Oh no. Instead of mine, that I've been practicing for three weeks straight. Halfway through Peter's verse, I realize, I don't know Peter's verse.

57:37I knew the first eight lines, but that's it. And then I tried to, like, do some sort of mash-up where I could fuse his into mine. Fucked it. And then obviously... Pardon me?

57:52James Acaster: They're obviously shouting, do the rap. But I presume that's where this is going.

58:02And then we... And then, yeah. so then obviously Peter has to do his rap but I've already done it so then he just repeats what I've done why am I telling this story I'll see if you're going to go to a karaoke song yeah NSYNC girlfriend

58:23James Acaster: well play the instrumental and I'll do the rest you want to be careful because the people working on this show are very good and they will be able to do that it might be at the end of the show but they will get it ready and we'll put the lyrics up on that screen. Well, does anybody know that song? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, if they play it, I'll do it. It'll be so easy. We're going to put the lyrics up on the big screen. We're going to get the instrumental and then we can end the show by you doing karaoke at the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah, well... Might as well. Bit of fun, innit? Bit of fun. anyway we're about to give you the dream drink of bob mortimer citrus ipa minus 20 degrees celsius it's gonna be at minus 20 it's gonna be at minus 20 right a citrus ipa um i don't even like cold water i like my water room temp not lukewarm and citrus is a big no for me of course as mentioned as previously mentioned.

59:32I don't like lemon, I don't like lime. I had a research call yesterday because I'm going on Satty Kitsch next week. Be careful. Be careful, man. You do one tiny little thing wrong on that show and everyone complains.

59:49James Acaster: Yeah, you've got to be careful, man. They'll be on you. Tell me more about this. Huh? I punched a polar bear. And the viewers kicked off. That went viral. It did go viral. A lot of people wrote about it like it was a big deal. To be honest, the way that you punched that polar bear made me think that you've got at least a blue belt. Yeah, I punched it better than I thought I was capable of punching it. Yeah, that was a proper punch. Left hook, a proper like, poof. And it spun, yeah, it's a proper spun round. It was amazing. Yeah. And then he went over to the Christmas tree where it was clearly very expensive, fragile decorations.

1:00:27And you watch a man try and stay within the character of anger but also not want to fuck things up for people and go...

1:00:36James Acaster: Just shook it because I knew they'd get upset otherwise. It shows he's still human. He's still down to earth. He's still human. I know what I'm doing. I'm in control of it, which is not what the tabloid said.

1:00:48232 complaints on the BBC. Really? 232. Does that mean that someone has written in? I don't think they physically have to write in a letter. I think they can do it online or call.

1:00:59James Acaster: hmm so far-hearted isn't it some might have phoned in emailed some of them will be old enough that they had written letters because that's their life yeah but yeah either way imagine doing it I don't think anything could offend me enough that I would write about it I pardon me oh yeah try and beat James' record and get more complaints on Saturday Kitchen yeah how do you think how do you think you could do it I've sort of got the thing is I don't have the same fan bases as you, James. I don't think it was my fan base who were complaining. I don't think I will do that, but thank you. But why am I talking about that?

1:01:40Sally Kitsch. I'm on Saturday Kitsch.

1:01:44James Acaster: Yeah. Doing the citrus IPA. Oh, I had a call yesterday and they were asking me what my don'ts are. Food hell. Food hell, sorry. They don't call it do's and don'ts. It was literally yesterday. And, yeah. Oh, I'm definitely watching this on Saturday. They asked me my food hell and I explained lemon and lime. And I got that same fucking response that I get when I say it to a bartender. And she was like, lemon and lime, really? Yes. Really. Even in a drink? Yes. Even in a drink. You don't like it? That's what I just said. But I don't like lemon and lime. So citrus IPA is hell to me. also I don't like beers or lagers that might be a problem then I'm a spiritsman yeah we've gathered that so you don't like things that are cold citrusy or beer so a citrus IPA at minus 20 degrees might be a bit of an issue for you I like some things cold I like a cold coke in a bottle mmhmm woo woo yeah um ha ha I like you work for them woo I work for bottles I like yeah I like some things cold but so far it's one thing you like cold a cold Coke in a bottle and then the other people who liked it you marked them I like this this would be nice if it was cold wouldn't it I like this room temp oh sorry yeah I've split the room yeah I so what's gonna be my what's gonna be my job on the improv show do we think next week Your job?

1:03:28Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be chatting to the... Also, we don't announce the guests. You'll be... You'll be chatting to the audience, just getting some stories. But it's sold out. It is sold out. But you don't want to announce the guests just in case people bring their tickets back. Is this what you're saying? We don't announce... Why don't we announce the guests? Again, not a question for me, Kyle. No, because we like it to be a surprise. Yeah, yeah. We like people to come out and be like, oh, it's him. which I've heard some audible gasps. Matt Bainton, for example. Of course. Lily Allen, when she was against people, gasped at that.

1:04:02James Acaster: Of course. Fat Les' daughter. Fat Les' daughter. David Harper in the audience, I bet he gasped.

1:04:11James Acaster: Not for the first time that day. I mean, what was the question? We were just talking about IPA and we got onto that somehow. Right, yeah, I'm a spiritsman. lagers beers that sort of stuff's not for me i'm not even a wineman phil wang's a wineman phil wang's a wineman i'm a wineman with phil wang he brought when we had that dinner shan three he he ordered a fancy wine yeah and he was like oh if you don't even if you don't like wine you'll enjoy this and i tasted it and i was like that's drink that's how you see all wine is just drink that's just drink yeah it tastes like drink yeah we arrive at the dessert Now, you had an M &S Black Forest Gateau on your birthday.

1:04:55James Acaster: Oof. For the dessert. It had to be your birthday. And you boys generally got one in my dressing room tonight. Yeah, we sent one into your dressing room. And it was only your birthday, what, eight or nine days ago, so... I think eight. Yeah, you think? I think so. I don't know what day it is today. Do you want to tell everyone who you're sharing a birthday with? Because you were telling us pretty excitedly backstage. Fifth of March, anyone? Fifth of March, what did you do for your birthday? Had chicken care. Had chicken care. Nice. Made them or bought them? Bought, yes. Where from? M &S. You've got to get them from M &S!

1:05:33James Acaster: Lovely. Happy birthday, mate. If you were closer, I'd give you some of this trick. Just if you're wondering how rock and roll it is backstage at the Off Menu live shows, what we spent about 45 minutes doing was going on Wikipedia and finding out which famous people share our birthdays. I remember that.

1:05:57You said... Well, my top three are Drew Barrymore, John Hamm and Osama Bin Laden. No one could beat that. They're all go-getters? Yeah, that's unbeatable. Yeah, we could beat that. I can't believe Osama Bin Laden's... He's so Pisces.

1:06:18Typical Pisces.

1:06:25James Acaster: Who shares your birthday, Kyle? Eva Mendes. Very cool. The end. That's it. Just me and her. Well, listen, do you want it to be your birthday for this dessert as well? Because Bob's not specified. If it's got any lemon and lime in it, then no. There's no lemon and lime. Really? No. The dream dessert we're going to be giving you, Bob Morton, is... Syrup sponge pudding with custard. I think it's like what he used to have at school. Oh, the one that's sort of brown. I mean, quite a lot of puddings are brown. Yeah. Name three. Oh, hold on, you got me now. A chocolate Swiss roll, a sticky toffee pudding, and, nah, you're right, there's nothing else.

1:07:16Yeah, I don't mind that. It's not my go-to. I don't love like caramel, toffee, syrupy, fudge, those sides. Yeah. What I really like, oh my gosh. So I went to Malaga for my birthday last week. Last week, yeah. Last week. In Malaga last week. Fifth of March. Lovely. Whilst this guy was doing Kievs, I was in Malaga having, ah, fuck, I forgot what it's called. Hang on.

1:07:42James Acaster: So when you came up with the character of Miles White, who's quite forgetful, what was that? Was there anything you based that on or you were inspired by? Yeah, where do you get your crazy ideas from, Kyle? I really don't know. It just sort of pops out of me. Just talk about yourselves for a sec whilst I find this. Ed and I were about to walk out here at the top with this half, and Kyle was putting that little red neckerchief on, but with just his normal clothes on. And I said to him, I hope you enjoy us making fun of that red neckerchief, and then ran out here. You must have been thinking in your head, you have no idea what I'm going to be wearing.

1:08:20Almendrado.

1:08:24My girlfriend's in the audience, I hope. Make some noise. I don't have two girlfriends. This is awkward. Oh, no. Good thing I wrote this narrative. Have I said that correctly? Girlfriend? Is he said that correctly? Girlfriend. I thought I was your fiancé Almendrado Anyone? Well, whatever you said your voice broke halfway through it That was Oh no I will read it out to you Almond crunch vanilla ice cream wrapped in sponge cake coated in amaretto toasted almonds with hot chocolate sauce Yes, please That sounds great now ten euros I had that I Had that on my birthday upon my birthday last week and I genuinely think it might be the best as I've ever had Wow, it tops the Black Forest Ghetto on my birthday.

1:09:32Well because this was also on my birthday Um, but you would like to change your dream dessert exceptional So it's like chocolate wraps. No the chocolate was a sauce but it was wrapped in like a pastry that was like almond coated amaretto style i love the sound of that's really good we never had it shouted out on the podcast before this is quite exciting yeah it was really like almond rado am i still getting all right no it's pronounced oh no

1:10:07James Acaster: Well, you're not having that anyway. You're having syrup sponge pudding with custard. Well, yeah, fine. I mean, I'm not crazy about that. But it's not in my food hell. Yes. Yeah, okay, good. You've learned that term now. Yeah. Go on, Saturday Kitchen, start calling it don'ts. What's in your food heaven for Saturday Kitchen? Can you give us a little preview? Yeah, of course. what I really enjoy is sort of like honey barbecue meat so ribs brisket short rib that sort of stuff I'd like that lobster mac and cheese perhaps I don't think this is in the Saturday kitchen budget yeah not after they had to fucking refurbish after you fucked it up yeah Merry Christmas that's the sort of stuff that is in my heavens.

1:11:00James Acaster: So as we get to the end of the menu, what do you think of the meal that we've given you today, Bob Mortimer's meal? And what does it make you think of Bob? I really enjoyed the hot dog element. Yeah. And I'm happy that that was... Bearing in mind that he's mixing sauce with his finger, and that's non-negotiable. His finger's non-negotiable.

1:11:22Yeah. Is that happening in front of me, or that's happening in the kitchen? What would you rather? Well, obviously, I don't want to see him do that. But you're going to know he's done it, so you may as well see him do it, right? And he does have to look at you and say, it's good to be a live son than with his finger. So... To be fair, I do want to meet him, so... Yeah. That's the only way you can meet him. Is if you watch him... If he fingers my hot dog. ...finger your hot dog, yeah. It's good to be a live son. Pros and cons. Yeah. Yeah. All right, yeah. Yeah, I'll take that. Great. So I'm happy with the starter.

1:11:54Happy with that. the vindaloo you're not the vindaloo I'm not really on board with because you don't like Indians because

1:12:04food because I don't like Liliana's dad

1:12:10James Acaster: a shallow fried turbot on the side you weren't too keen on that either no we didn't really talk about the fish we sort of got stuck on the cooking utensils it was more about the egg yeah yeah

1:12:25No, I'll try that You'll try it Look, I'm not against trying stuff As long as this stuff doesn't have things in that I don't like

1:12:34James Acaster: Like the citrus IPA, for example Which you don't want, minus 20 degrees Exactly that, yeah So overall, I'd say you probably won't enjoy this meal I think it's half and half Yeah 50-50 Thank you for clearing that up

1:12:51Give it up for Kyle Smith by now

1:12:54James Acaster: Bye everybody Thank you so much for coming to Off Men You Like You've been absolutely amazing Thank you so much for coming to the show Goodnight Thank you so much for coming along Goodbye Goodnight

1:13:16Well there we are James another Royal Aberholt ticked off.

1:13:19James Acaster: There we go, Kyle Smith-Biner there. Kyle is on tour with his own show called Storybro, which is like an improv show. He's got a whole troop of people. And has a guest, has a guest monologist or guest question asker. I've done that. You've done that. I've turned it down repeatedly and will continue to because it's funny now. Yeah. And let me tell you, it is funny when you do it as well. Yeah. Because Kyle wants it to be cool improv. Yeah. So if you really lay it on thick and try and get them all to put their hands in the middle and say 3, 2, 1, let's improv. They don't like that. Kyle hates it.

1:13:50Yeah. I think... But the others really get on board with it. Yeah, they love it because it winds up Kyle. Yeah.

1:13:55James Acaster: Yeah, that's good. Well, definitely go and see that. Tickets at coolstorybro.co.uk. It's cool with a K, by the way. It's KSB. Kyle Smith, buy no, cool story bro. That's why it's clever. I thought you meant cool with a K as in cook. The word cook. That's not how spelling works. Cool with a K would be... Cook would be a different word. C-O-O-K. Kyle was a cook Marcus White Oh thanks bye Oh yes goodbye everyone