Kojey Radical

0:00Hello, Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I bring great news. My brand new stand-up tour Fresh Hell is on sale at the end of this month. Sign up to my mailing list for early access at edgamble.co.uk. It's gonna be great. history shows women keep showing up for everyone every day but who's showing up for you grow therapy helps you put your mental health first with therapy that's covered by insurance and built to support you whether it's your first time in therapy or your 50th grow makes it easier to find a therapist who fits you not the other way around you can search by what matters like insurance, specialty identity, or availability and get started in as little as two days.

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1:43Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the vodka of chat, adding the vermouth of friendship, pouring over the ice of the internet, stirring vigorously for 60 to 90 seconds, and straining into the martini glass of podcasting, and adding a twist of giggles. Vodka martini with a twist. Didn't know which way that was going, did you? dirty or twist dirty for me please but twist for you guys Martini why is he looking at me for so long

2:21James Acaster: my name is James Edcastle together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest and ask for their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish out and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Koji Radical Koji Radical this is exciting man I love Koji Radical yeah me too 23 Winters was his album in 2016 he says it's an EP I say it's an album because it's quite frankly 45 minutes long so I'm pretty sure that makes it an album yeah it's brilliant I got to interview Koji around that time for another podcast that I was doing at the time I promise I'll never do it again please but we haven't had him off menu yet one or two for ages very much looking forward to hearing what his food choices are he was also on Taskmaster New Year's Treat he was brilliant on Taskmaster New Year's Treat wonderful all of his albums are brilliant by the way very talented man looking forward to having him on the pod to chat about his dream menu he's also performing at the Royal Albert Hall on the 20th of May whoa people should go and see that if they can absolutely it'll be fantastic we love the Royal Albert Hall don't we we're always bloody there we're always bloody there and Koji Radical is going to be fantastic there so make sure you get along there but listen as much as I love Koji Radical we will be forced to kick him out at the dream restaurant if he chooses the secret ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable.

3:42James Acaster: And this week, the secret ingredient is tinned potatoes. Tinned pots. Tinned pots. Tinny pots. Tinned potatoes. Tinned potatoes, yes. This was suggested by an audience member at the Palladium when we did... Which we love as well. Which we love the Palladium. Palladium, if you're listening, don't get jelly. And I really liked that. and someone shouted out secret ingredient suggestion tin potatoes I thought how have we not done that yet because they are disgusting yeah yeah there's some people who think they're nice but those people are wrong they're too salty yeah too like chalky and weird and grainy yeah the water's disgusting they're really not good also just get a potato you know yeah just get just get just why you why are you getting a tin potato just get a potato I guess it's convenience they last long maybe they work out cheaper but good idea actually yeah well fair enough but if Koji says it we're kicking him out yeah I think if I had a nuclear bunker I'd get some tin potatoes in there I think it's an inevitability that one day you will have a nuclear bunker well it's an inevitability that there will be nuclear apocalypse so everyone should be getting a nuclear bunker and there we have it

5:04I know he's not invited to my bunker I don't want to be in there you'd rather have the flesh flayed from your bones

5:13James Acaster: yes because I know what you'll do you'll get a nuclear bunker and in the amount of time that it takes for there to actually it's been necessary you're going to be going down there and doing all sorts of grubby little shit what are you talking about just you by yourself beating off in your little bunker no I won't beat off in the bunker there's no beating off in the bunker that's one of the main rules there's already rules is it for this yeah no beating off in the bunker because there's going to be a lot of friends and family there yeah but I think that maybe that rule is what's going to egg you on even more you're going to be like oh this is great I'm just so naughty I shouldn't be beating off in the bunker I get off and breaking my own rules that I've established not at all I like following my rules no beating off in the bunker okay we'll see you can't come to the bunker Benito do you want to come to the bunker no so that's fine so there's a bit more room in the bunker Benito doesn't want to come if you're not allowed to beat off there.

6:04James Acaster: Immediately turns it down. No way. What's that rule again? No way. Yeah. I'm not coming. I'm going to stay in my own bunker. No rules in my own one. Don't forget this is out on YouTube tomorrow. You can watch it happen. Not live. You know what I mean. Pictures. They are live. All the YouTube videos are live. Yeah. So we just recreate the exact audio. Every time you watch it, we've got to rush here and do it again. Yeah. Happy to do so. We appreciate the views. We always nail it. Do subscribe to the YouTube, Benito Gets Sad. Yep. This is the off-menu menu of Koji Radical!

6:44Welcome, Koji,

6:45James Acaster: to the dream restaurant. Welcome, Koji Radical, to the dream restaurant. I've been to spend you for some time. Yes. Yes, you have. Let's get into it. I told you about a sip of coffee. You sent me a brief. A brief? A brief. And I was like, what do I need a brief for? You think I don't know this show? Yeah. I know this show. Yeah, that's good. I sat at home by the phone. This outfit has been pressed for such a long time. You bought this outfit specifically for the show, yeah. We was talking about that. 2020, we did an interview. Yeah, you and I. You and I. I and you. And ever since that day, I thought, any minute now.

7:20Yeah. James will call. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Minutes turn to days. Days to weeks. So we're blaming James for this though. Weeks to months. Koji, Koji. Months. So years.

7:35James Acaster: Yeah. Years to today. Yeah. At least it's not been decades. Well, you know that, you know, I wanted to interview you because I had already interviewed you. So yeah. It was him the whole time. Yeah. Come on, come on. It's the one who was like. I wanted you on the Taskmaster podcast. Oh, what a good time. Because you're the Taskmaster New Year's treat, of course. Yeah, and I'm really campaigning for a full season. Yeah. We can start the campaign here. Please. Someone started a petition after the episode came out. I was in Australia. So I was like hours behind, like 10 hours behind. So I've woken up to see the reaction of the episode coming out.

8:10And I saw there was a whole petition. And loads of people had signed it asking for me to do a full season. And they ignored it. That is a shame. They are tyrants on that show though. Absolutely. They will ignore. I mean, you've got to get it up to the amount of signatures that it's discussed in Parliament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I plan to. Yeah. I plan to sign my petition please how did you find Alex pretty annoying no he was alright the duality of Alex is amazing to me it's like when he comes into the dressing room just having a chat with you about the show he's just so I hate to use the word normal but he's just so normal so much so that you forget that he's hilarious and then you get on set and he just starts talking and you're just like oh oh I'm gonna go any minute now I'm gonna start crying with laughter I'm just trying to hold it together and not look like such a super fan on the stage but everything was exciting I was like oh my god this is feels like real gold are you much of a foodie Cody?

9:06I like to eat yeah I like to eat I feel like I can't call myself a foodie because there's still a lot I won't eat like what? that's a good point should we list the should we list the things that you definitely won't eat absolutely not eating now I've taken a stand against pheasant not eating and it's about time someone should that's a mark of so how far you've come budget peacock get me trick it's shit so would you eat peacock then? no no see and the more exotic the animal goes the less likely I am to eat it yeah the most kinky thing I've eaten in the bird world is an ostrich mmm because I was confused I wanted it to I thought mmm could do with a chicken burger yeah what's up there they had a beef burger they had an ostrich burger they should have told me they're the same thing they should have told me on the spot but it's the same thing I was like I bit into it I almost took it back and said what are you doing friend put his hand on my chest stop you'll embarrass yourself so I stopped mushrooms I don't like mushrooms what do you mean ostrich and beef are the same thing do you mean they're basically so ostrich is basically red meat oh right okay so it's like by the time it's there between two buns that could have been that could have been a cow it's the bird version of a cow yeah we could have had one more ostrich in the world still.

10:26Unless we're only, it's like only once, like they've lived a full life. But what's a full ostrich life? Yeah, that's a good point. I didn't even know they was being hunted for food trucks. Yeah, I thought they were just chilling out. Do you know what I mean? I didn't know. I didn't know. Someone should start a petition for that. I wouldn't chuck many more petitions out there because you want to focus on the task. Oh, mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, mine. Yeah. True. Yeah. No other petitions are reported. I don't think they're conflicting petitions. Just instant clicks these days. you can only direct people so far do you know what I mean comment like and subscribe see that's it we're done now unless we lump the petitions together so it's get Cozy Radical a full series of Taskmaster plus stop eating ostrich yeah stop that okra don't like that oh what delicious no slimy can be slimy gross

11:13James Acaster: well it's not what a crispy okra sometimes it's an old if it's like fried which is basically then it's a fry still tastes nice it's nice in it's slimy state I like the slimy one I don't mind the slime actually I like it I love it Watership Down not doing it what? the film? rabbits rabbits okay we're just calling all rabbits Watership Down that's the faction that they belong to yeah I'm not doing that there's loads of them that I'm not doing anything too slimy I'm not interested in yeah I think mushrooms is the only one that's going to give you a problem there the rest of them are pheasant ostrich rabbit and I'm sure it does something to my stomach that I'm not really ready to deal with in my adult ages because I feel like I have less in the way to stop it from happening do you know what I mean as in you've lost I feel like toilet related accidents just get more and more likely the older you get despite the fact that in your mind you're like of course I can hold that yeah I'm a grown up yeah I'm a whole adult person then you're just at your doorstep puddling your lap yeah because you can't get your keys out of your pocket all the time I've noticed in my own life when I go away on tour I take more pairs of pants with me now 100 % just in case just in case yeah yeah and listen there's nothing wrong with that pack an extra pair yeah I'm packing more than one extra pair because in my mind as soon as I leave the country I'm going to shit myself three times yeah which could happen it could happen could happen and you can be careful all you want until someone's like oh I have this yeah and you think oh it's just a Coca-Cola if you get this ice in it yeah ice does you over yeah you're done you're done for yeah I'll do you over do you I went for a precaution way before this absolutely should have because he just gets so annoyed at me Benito if you have a midway if I go oh I've got to go for a wee it goes like that it's the feng shui the feng shui and then it's like it's too much of a reset point you've got to just hold it together I hope I can I'm the guest so if I you can't get mad at me he won't get mad at you we won't get mad at you and you've already told us that toilet related accidents are in front of your mind at any time and a guest has never pissed themselves on camera in this well watch this Cody we're very excited because we're doing the Royal Albert Hall and so are you you guys are yeah we're Royal Albert Hall buddies yeah what date March sometime nice mid March you're there in May I'm there in May so check it out for me yeah May 20th yep yes May 20th Royal Albert Hall that's really exciting it is I'm I'm super excited.

13:50There's so much that I like to do with a live show that I've never been able to do before, that I was going to do before at The Roundhouse, just before COVID. COVID shut down. Couldn't do it. And all of these ideas kind of stayed in my head. And we had the Brixton Academy show after that, but I feel like Brixton Academy is still not the right stage for what I wanted to kind of do with that show. so like this one now that's why there's such a long lead up time like we're really kind of take the production value to the sky do you know what I mean and put on a show that I'm like I could retire on that one I won't I could do you know what I mean

14:32James Acaster: are there like particular people that you're working with who you haven't worked with before or that you have in the past I think it's it's working with the same people but to a different degree like I think for me and Swindle we've always wanted to Swindle's my producer for context bad boy producer he's produced for legends for many many years and luckily he's a very close friend of mine and a long time collaborator and a music man to the core and what he he's had envisioned for doing the show has kind of been super excited as well and he's got access to everyone do you know what I mean he can just make calls and like people turn up so yeah I think I think this one's going to be very special we're going to have all the special guests I think for me as well I've been doing this a while now long time, too long too long to be rapping but a lot of the older songs I've never been able to bring to stage in that way so I kind of want to go back, do some records from 23 Winters, do some records from In God's Body, Kashmir Tears and kind of build up this story to where we are today with Down Lockdown I'm looking forward to it You say too long to be rapping but like one of the really exciting things now with rap music is how you get older rappers talking about things from their perspective.

15:50James Acaster: And that's almost created a whole new genre because it's still quite a young genre. For sure. I think a lot of the time music doesn't necessarily mature in the ways that you'd want it to. And I felt like hip hop suffered with that the most because the iconographies of it were kind of so childish in nature. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've got all of this. I've got all the girls. I've got all the cars. I've got all the money. I've got all this. eventually it's like no we've got mortgages and you know what I mean and like prostate checkups and stuff it's like real old man grown man shit I'm worried about toilet accidents you know what I'm saying that's why Andre 3000 is just walking around food aisles playing a flute yeah you know what I mean he's just like I can't rap about this stuff no more he's got I would say he's got too much shit for that for that comment yeah I think I think he was talking more about himself yeah and I still think the rap album's there yeah I think he knows it's like a red button he can push that whenever he wants to and the world will stop so we always start with still a sparkling water coaching still please still I don't even like people around me that drink sparkling and my friends do it to just get all my tits yeah it's ours every time they know So I'm like, what are you doing?

17:15I just don't even understand it. Yeah, this ain't you. So you see it as people trying to make out there's something they're not. Yeah, like, what is the point? There's bubbles in it. Get a real drink.

17:27James Acaster: Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Full fat coke, if you're out about it. Do you know what I mean? If you want the bubbles. Take it to the chin. Do you know what I'm saying? This bubble stuff, it makes me itch from behind my eyebrows whenever I drink sparkling water. I hate it with a passion. Are you not a Bubbles guy anyway? Because you were saying out there before we started recording that you hate champagne. I hate champagne. You don't get your kicks from champagne? Awful drink. Awful, awful drink. Awful hangover. What did I miss? Kicks from champagne. I've got to look at it. James is a secret lyricist.

18:02He is, yeah, yeah. He just drops these little bars in the background and he thinks I don't hear them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sneaky. Sneaky little, you know what I mean? Sneaky. But no, awful drink, awful, horrible. Chuck it away. And is that the bubbles or the taste? Do you know who scares me? Sorry, now I'm here, I'm here. Do you know who scares me even more? Go on. People that have the bubble maker machine in their house. Yeah, yeah. I used to have one. I knew there was something. I used to have one. I don't have one anymore. You got rid of it? Yeah, I got rid of it. Came to your senses? Yeah, yeah.

18:37What's the point? Especially when you've got to remember to buy the air, the gas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At that point, just get another bottle and just dash the machine away. I was tempted to experiment with it, though, obviously, like make loads of things fizzy. Okay, that makes sense. If it was just exclusively water, problems. But you was in there trying to make Tizer. Yeah, I mean, I wish I'd made Tizer. That would have been good. I don't even know what Tizer is. Yeah, it'd be hard to make it. Even the ingredients. The bubbles is the easy part of that. Put everything red that you can find in your kitchen and fizz it up.

19:10Well, it's basically then it's ketchup. Standard. Chopped tomatoes. Do you know what I miss? Go on. Do you remember K.A.? Nah. Where'd you grow up? London. Whereabouts in London? Southwest London. Come on now, you know a K.A. You know a K.A.

19:23James Acaster: Oh, the drink? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when it used to taste purple? Like black green used to taste actually purple. All the drinks back then were so much better. Panda pop. Yeah. What's the world come to now? Yeah, the panda pop. Is Ambongo still around? Nah. Well, it probably is, but it's like proper third shelf budget supermarket liquid. That Robinson's has definitely paid more than them. Yeah, definitely. I think K.A.'s still knocking about. They are, but it's not knocking about with the same vim. It doesn't taste like... Yeah, the tenacity is not there anymore.

19:56It did taste like this liquidised colour. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, yeah. That's what I want. Sunny D as well. I mean, we weren't allowed Sunny Delight. Did they tell you it was going to turn you orange? Yeah, I think there was a lot of stuff. There was a lot of anti-Sunny D stuff in the press at the time. And so I think my mum was very anti-Sunny Delight. Yeah, same. And I thought, mum, the likelihood of a liquid turning me orange is so loud. Yeah, so loud. But even still, I don't think she wanted to pay the extra.

20:23James Acaster: Because Sunny D was spenny. It was. And you wanted it. I don't know why I wanted it so much. Advert. Before I even tasted it. That was when adverts were king. They opened the fridge. What? An advert. I don't remember what they've got in the fridge. I don't even know what yop is yeah sure do you know what I mean yeah know that song but you know you want it off by heart yeah mama yeah yeah mama I was drinking a yop once on the street someone shouted drinking a yop on the street yeah I was walking down drinking a yop what this is like this is like you can't make that sound normal don't you think you can slip that past us drinking a yop on the street this is like 2008 it was as soon as he got out of that car he just cracked up on a fresh yop yeah I was drinking a yop on the street and someone went past me in a car and a bunch of lads younger than me one of them called me fridge wanker like it was a milkshake fridge and I said back here's a yop you got him yeah you told him you told him pretty good did he say sorry he said sorry I didn't know it was a yoghurt based drink I thought you were drinking a delicious milkshake no I'm drinking a yoghurt in the street do something that doesn't taste as nice thank you it's a yop for your still water we could give you a KA instead if you want oh if I can just make random requests like that can I get a sorrel and ginger?

21:59Yes. Thank you. What's that? It's, sorrel and ginger, it's like, I'll call it a Caribbean drink because I normally get it when I go to the Caribbean shop to get myself a little one meal and a drink. And there's one drink that I normally get sorrel and ginger and I think sorrel is something and ginger is ginger. I don't know what sorrel is but it's kind of red. Yeah. Put that in a tizer. It's nice though. What's sorrel? It's like a herb, isn't it, or something? Or like a leaf. You know what's so funny is I never even, asked them ever in my life. Someone in Caribbean said, drink this. And I drank it.

22:31And I was like, this is banging. Yeah. And never questioned it. And then I was like, what's this? It was like, I never asked. Herbaceous plant. Herbaceous plant and ginger. Nice. Lovely liquid. Beautiful.

22:43James Acaster: I have some of that. Yeah, you can have some of that. Yeah. Thank you. Ed, can you shout poplums or bread? My throat isn't 100%. Okay. Oh, is this the first time I'm done? I'll do it. You want to shout it to yourself? Yeah, I'm going to shout it to myself. Yeah. Because I'm a fan of the show. yeah poppadoms are bread poppadoms are bread sorry I didn't think the first one was that much it was good it was good it's nice to hear someone else do it yeah it's the first time a guest has done it for themselves yeah I had to first time yeah I wanted to the bucket list things yeah yeah bread though bread definitely bread what about who's has anyone ever picked poppadoms I have people yeah for a while it was near on 50-50 yeah I think for a while bread supremacy we're bringing it back yeah any particular type of bread?

23:26James Acaster: Turkish Turkish bread nice lovely any particular type of Turkish bread which Turkish bread are we thinking? there's a place in Woodgreen I forgot its name everyone knows it though it's big I'm trying to think now because Woodgreen was the first place I lived in London and I was around there for quite a bit so I should know Giochia something like that anyway it's over there it's nice though big one two floors restaurant restaurant got a cuisine that's the one yeah I never actually learnt any of the names of any of them so you know it properly yeah well because there's a couple of Gokizu's there's one there's one in Walthamstow yeah yeah yeah was wood green the original one then I think it might have been oh well that's OG OG Turkish bread yeah from Gokizu like the flat bread yeah cooked on the grill but it's got to be the spicy one yeah okay nice yeah yeah not the plain Jane yeah what spice what spice they got in there obviously the obligatory chilli sauce yeah It's got some ice that comes with the table, chilli sauce, garlic sauce, right there.

24:25Yeah. But I think they put chilli flakes in oil, olive oil, bit of chilli flakes, sprinkled over the top, baked that in there, gives it a nice little zing.

24:35James Acaster: Yeah. Do you know what I mean? When I lived around there, I didn't know the names of any places. I wasn't really interested in food back then. And Josh Willicom and I, who lived nearby, would always text each other, meet you in the cafe where the man farted. Because that was just like, we didn't know the name of it. Yeah. Was it a Turkish cafe? I think so. But like a man had just cocked a cheek and farted on the next table. I literally cocked it up. Yeah, we couldn't stop laughing about it. I think if you are going to fart in a cafe, that's the way to do it, isn't it? Or just discreetly. No, no, no.

25:07I think if you're going to then go outside. If you're farting and there's other people in the cafe, yeah, just cock it up and go. Yeah, cock it up and go. You've got to cock it up and go, haven't you? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Cock it up and go. What is it with you people farting in cafes isn't it it's bad isn't it yeah I don't know why and it is then wait what he's had this before

25:26James Acaster: wait what Nish of course Nish Kumar yeah yeah yeah he farted in a restaurant when we were in New Year's Eve lovely lovely restaurant as well and did the worst fart I've ever smelt in my life is it into Ed's face yeah into my face what did you do to deserve such a heinous crime I think he's just so comfortable around me now that he knows he needs to know my scent yeah he was marking his territory yeah just in case they ever go missing they need to sit in yeah you can sniff him out yeah I don't think anyone could sniff him out though to be honest when else did people find there's your Banbury cake oh yeah the Banbury cake lady yeah yeah the old lady what happened it was really really oldest woman in the world in Banbury yeah and uh me and my family went well I was probably in my early 20s and yeah she was handing out we all ordered Banbury cakes right what's a Banbury cake It's like a raisiny kind of cake that they make in Banbury.

26:22James Acaster: Yeah, I can't remember it that well now because the lasting memory is that as she was handing them out, she had in my brother his plate. He was furthest away and she said, here's your Banbury cake and then she farted. And it was the fact that she'd said, here's your Banbury cake beforehand, which is what made us all laugh for so long and we couldn't stop laughing. And so for a long time in my house... Every time someone farted, they said, here's your Banbury cake. Just beforehand. It was a lot of fun. Which is good, I think. I think it's good to have something you say before you fart. Yeah, yeah.

26:50James Acaster: Especially if it's here's your pamphlet. Do you have anything you say before you fart, Cody? No, you don't. No. To be honest, more time, I'm just like hoping that it's a clean operation. Of course. No, not to say I'm going to shit myself, but just like if I'm in a public space, you don't want a loud... In private, the loud ones are like real... There's pride in them. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And they don't often smell the loud ones, I find. Yeah, exactly. yeah they're calm but there's nothing worse than being in a scenario where it's got to come out you can't hold it and your belly's fucked up it's got to come out and you're thinking right if I angle it the right way I can probably get away with a silent one and it's just not that it's anything by now and there's no way to like you can't you look around for a victim as in someone to blame on rather than someone to aim it at yeah at this point at this point if we're dealing with chemical warfare yeah so you look around and it's like everyone around you know they it couldn't be they you know this is a hard sell yeah this is a hard sell everyone's immediately looked at you or me in this scenario yeah and I know I'm guilty and it's just not nice so I whenever I fight in public I I try and make sure I'm sitting down.

28:16Yeah, okay. I try not to fart standing up. To baffle the sound a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm proper like, and I was like, do you know what I mean? I'm trying like, pelvis down. Yeah. I'm like, I'm trying to be courteous. Yeah. Do you know who doesn't care? My son doesn't care. He's five, you fart anywhere. Yeah. He's five though. And that's the problem. Yeah. That's the problem. Because when do we stop that? When do we go, you're six, you can't fart, nah, I'm outside no more. We need to get out of him now. Do you know what I mean? But it's just gentle parroting. So it's just like how do you like gently cook someone into not farting?

28:50You don't want to shame him about his farts. Exactly. You don't want to be like, oh, oh. Do you know what I mean? But now I'm just giving him a look. And he just like, do you know what he said to me the other day? He was like, it's fine. Open the window. Do you know what he said? I'm driving. This is a new car. Fresh. Yeah, yeah. New car smells. I didn't even left the car. It's fresh. Yeah, no, I could just smell fart in the back seat and I look behind me and he's not said a word apart from it's fine Just open

29:23James Acaster: Let's get into your dream menu proper now. Yeah, your dream starter How many can I have as many as I want? It's my world Well, sharing plates is sharing place. Yeah, we were dangled rules Yeah, but the sharing plates then we're we're working with a system where we don't have the starter main side it's just sharing plates you don't get startery sharing plates they try to get you for everything when you go in them establishments yeah but then it's also sharing for the main right as well how hungry are you I'm always hungry are we all eating just me if you want I would love for you to join me for dinner I'm a disaster with sharing plates it goes mad it goes crazy you're not a fan of it no I love it but you're just it's an argument with the waiter every time we recommend three to four plates Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:11Do you know what they start doing as well? Which I think is diabolical. I think it's rude, in fact, yeah? Let's say now it's you, you're on a date, yeah? Person's there, you're there. Plate comes out, sharing plates. Why is there three? Three things. Yeah, it's mad. Why is there three of them? It's mad. There's two of us.

30:31James Acaster: Yeah. One of these, one, one, is now a conversation of, do you want it? No, no, you have it. No, no, no, no, you have it. Yeah. That goes on for too long. Yeah. or you just rush eat it and then now you look crazy you look greedy or it's something that and it's something that you can't split in half successfully as well so if it's like a whole thing that you can just immediately go like that and you don't need to have the conversation the lady in the tramp days are gone as well you can't just like half bite it and go in have the other half of this dumpling babe the lady in the tramp days are gone this is what's wrong with Britain I think so the amount that you got to cut up what are the why am I blanking on this name here's a fun thing try and try and try and work out what I'm talking about croquettes well that's what I'd have I'd have a chop up and have a croquette in my life I'd have for my starter I'd have a oxtail croquette oh yeah lovely oxtail croquette beautiful from anywhere particular that you've had the best oxtail croquette how often just help me out how often when a name of a restaurant is said on this podcast does a person get a complimentary free dinner from that place quite often I would say pretty often well it was smokestack in shorty yes yeah that's good what a place what a place and the oxtel croquettes are one of the best things on the menu there wonderful and there's something about an oxtel croquette that's just like biting into the best parts of gentrification yeah oxtel was like polystyrene boxes yeah oxtel butter beans rice peas cold floor planting go about your day now shredded lightly fried yeah lovely hipster places like smokestack yeah Yeah.

32:10Well, they've got, actually no, they don't, do they give you plates in there or is it just like? Yeah. Yeah. Plates in there. Yeah, yeah. Big up you guys for putting out plates because gone are the days. You remember when they used to bring out logs? Yeah, logs or a roof tile or something. Yeah, just what was that phase of restaurant in? I think it still exists but it's moved out of the like trendy restaurants and now it's in like the mainstream restaurants. Oh, I'm not going there. Like I walked past a sign for a roast dinner in a pub the other day and it was all on a breadboard. What's the point?

32:38And in the picture they're pouring gravy on it. It's like, well, that's fucking gravy all over the side. Yeah, now your table's full of gravy. Yeah. Forearm. Because at some point you're going to flip yourself a lean forearm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gravied out your forearm. I thought you were saying that they were going to do it like Salt Bay, but with gravy. That'd be awful. Yeah, gravy, baby. These restaurants are pants. He doesn't shut up about Salt Bay.

32:59James Acaster: What do you mean I don't shut up about Salt Bay? You talked about him last time we did an episode and he was talking about Salt Bay. I went there once, it was so rubbish. I mean it looks really bad it's pants yeah I've only learnt about Salt Bay via Ed on this podcast but I hate Salt Bay it's pants he's pants man yeah big him up though I guess no we don't need to big him up not big in that I just like to end on positivity yeah because I'm a natural born hater yeah it is a positive thing opposite smokestack there's some graffiti on a wall that looks like Stuart Laws oh yeah yeah how often have you had a window seat in there just the one side of window seat and I looked over and my partner said, hey, that graffiti of the cartoon man looks like your friend Stuart.

33:42James Acaster: I texted Stuart, he didn't like it. No. He didn't think he looked like him. Didn't like it, no. But then I texted my mutual friend and said, who's this? And he went, that's Stuart Laws. So I said, he says it's you. I said, show it to your girlfriend and see what she says. So I said, all you can say is, who's this? Yeah, right. So he showed it to her and said, who's this? She said, that's you. She said, that's my boyfriend. So he had to admit that's him. I might have to get a window seat yeah get a window seat do you want to know what Stuart Laws looks like I don't know good luck sit there look out the window it's right there can I pair drinks with different can I pair a drink yeah yeah what do I want to pair that with while you're thinking about it I was in Lisbon the other day yeah and I had goat croquettes what as in the goat was in a croquette yeah as in not croquettes for goats yeah or greatest of all time croquettes yeah I'm talking about goat meat croquettes okay which was excellent as well Yeah, because to me that's the same as having a curry goat croquette, which I'd have.

34:40If anyone wants to make me a curry goat croquette, please hurry up. There's not many things I can think of that I wouldn't want to croquette. Interesting. Oh, there's so many things. I could give you a whole list of things. Don't put pheasant. No pheasant, no peacock. No peacock, no pheasant, no rabbit. No veal. I don't want veal croquette. No, veal croquette wouldn't work. It has to be a bit of fat in the meat. What's my man always? Venison? Is it Venison? No, it's not Venison. Bulge. UFC. Joe Rogan. Okay.

35:16James Acaster: Elk. Deer? Elk. He's obsessed with Elk, I think. I don't want Elk croquettes. I don't want anything endorsed by Joe Rogan. In a croquette or otherwise. Yeah, nah. I mean, nah.

35:29Ivermectin croquettes. Sorry? Do you remember Ivermectin? Who's that? That was something that Joe Rogan was obsessed with. It was the cure for COVID is like horse medicine or something. I'm only, I'm like a clip merchant. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm a clip merchant as well. They just bombard me. I get shown the weirdest, my YouTube reels. Yeah. It's a weird place to be. Yeah. Do you ever get top five Karens? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I searched that. I looked for it. I love top five Karens. I get so many top five Karens. I like to, I like to, it's a bit of like a, it's a weird obsession because like, sometimes you just like to imagine what life is like on the other side, man.

36:12Do you know what I mean? Just being like an old white woman. Yeah. Just want to know what that's like. That's a power that I can never imagine. People think about like ruling countries. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Taking over small islands. Stuff does. People that got arrested for that in America. They was going to take over Haiti. Oh really? Really? Yeah. Two white guys just said, we could pull up there. Get a couple of our mates, pull up there, take over the country little did they know that they couldn't because there's people there yeah yeah and but sometimes I think to myself old white lady wow powers man powers powers powers and it's like it's like the power of delusion to the max yeah it's a crazy level a lot of these Karens though when I'm in my top five Karens they don't get away with it because I watch a lot of top five Karen instant karma oh the sugar on top yeah

36:59James Acaster: yeah yeah Oh, yeah. You like a resolution. I love a resolution. But it's not the same Ed watching it as you watching it. No, no, no. Ed watching it, you know, Ed's there. He's got more privilege than a character. Yeah. But he's watching it, loving it, and laughing. He's picking up tips. Yeah. He's not being an ally. I didn't know I could just cry. Yeah. I didn't know I could just cry on the spot. Yeah. Or just throw myself on a car bonnet. Yeah. Slowly roll off. Pull out my phone as I stand up and say, He hit me! Oh, what? That's power! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

37:41Hello? That's good. That's a good one. Have you seen that one? Yeah, of course. Did you think of a drink that you want to pair with the Oxtel Crocket? I'll have a Paloma, please. Lovely. Oh, lovely.

37:51James Acaster: It's a good start-of-the-meal drink, a Paloma. My other, because it's sherry, starter, is a bit of... We call it Chebab in Ghana, but in Nigeria they call it suya but it's like a lot of the time it's like beef and it's like a spice blend and like little onions that go like in between it's always on a stick it's like street food but it's fucking banging and with like yeah the seasoning is like sort of spicy yeah it's so good yeah so I'd have a bit of that and then some plantain beautiful

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39:45Dream main course The main course that I dream of I'd have like because it's sherry so we want something that feels like we've hunted it ourselves even though we just ordered it off the menu so we'll take a whole grilled fish stuffed with like vegetables and vibes flavours probably like a white tilapia yeah whole grilled tilapia yeah filleted just have at it yeah

40:13James Acaster: I think we've had the first tilapia we've had on the pod might be the first tilapia is there another name for tilapia though Benito it feels like one of those multi-named fish like when you go to America and they go do you want a branzino and you have a seabass you mean seabass they call it what they call it branzino I didn't know that branzino was a seabass crazy right I knew branzino I didn't know that was sea bass. That's awful. Yeah, don't like that. Any other names for it? There are hundreds of them, apparently. It's a whole species. Tilapia's banging. Yeah. Never had tilapia? I think I must have had tilapia, yeah.

40:46You must have, man. You must have. You look well-travelled. I've travelled. Yes. I guarantee one of the places where you travelled to, when you've ordered that fish, you didn't ask, but it was tilapia. Yeah. Do you want to guess some of the places that Ed's travelled to? Guess where I was yesterday. Yesterday? Wait, let me... it wasn't in the UK okay I was looking for like visible signs of sunburn no no no so it was nowhere hot no well it was warmish but it was November you was in Latvia no I was in Gibraltar yesterday close yeah you did a gig in a cave did a gig in a cave yesterday in Gibraltar is it yeah and you're thinking why did you do that I was on tour got us to go to a cave you've got to go to a cave put it on the date schedule it in yeah exactly I was expecting maybe a bit of tapas because it's obviously near Spain it's in between Spain and Morocco but basically it's still like a British stronghold so I had a pizza express on the marina I've never been to Spain you've got to go to Spain I'd say start in Madrid or Barcelona I wouldn't go straight to Gibraltar is it not welcoming?

41:57no it's welcoming but it doesn't feel very Spanish oh ok because it's you know an Irish pub with an outdoor football screen and then yeah a pizza express a Wagamama's and a Ginoa's bloody brilliant go on Spanish reality TV shows oh yeah

42:16James Acaster: how did you get into these and what are they oh man I got into it the same way everyone else did viral Twitter clip okay Broski was running down on the beach thunder and lightning behind him he was screaming out for his bird his bird is getting the brakes be offer by this big Spanish man. He's in her guts and he's speeding down the beach. I can't remember what her name is. It's like Anita or something like that. He's running. Boom, gets there. Imagine, yeah, he gets grabbed. You think the security guard grabs him. Yeah. Nah. Broski that's beating down his girl is his friend. He's grabbed him and said, whoa, whoa there buddy.

43:04My friend's busy right now. Relax. He's on his knees. Ah, I can't believe you did this to me. In Spanish obviously. Yeah. She comes out now. So, you was in your island rubbing up on next girl. Now look. One up, you lose. Then she came to her senses. She was like, no, no, come back. She was like, I don't want you, though. His name's Montoya. Montoya. Because the lady, the old lady, she's like the fairy godmother of the houses. Boom. Let's just explain. Let me break the show down. Yeah, sure. Because you've given us a scene from the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But without any of the context of what the show is.

43:44Yeah, yeah. So the show's the Spanish for Temptation Island. Oh, right, okay. There's a Temptation Island type show. Yeah. Couples. The girls go in one house. The boys go in another house. they send single girl into the boys house they send single guys into the boys house the aim of the game is to not cheat on your partner yeah but anytime something funky happens yeah so like let's say you go in there you set your rules my missus is staring too long if she's in the pool with my man they're hugging up yeah anything that's cheating for me but the problem is anytime someone does something wrong there's an alarm that would just sound off right but you don't know who set the alarm off.

44:25So you're in your house, the alarm goes off, you're just thinking, oh no, oh no, oh no. Yeah. And it's nuts. All the things that you can imagine going wrong, goes wrong, right? Yeah. Every couple has their own story arc. I could break down all of them. It's great. It's great. It's so good. It's so good. But Montoya, they put the show on the map. Yeah. And basically, Montoya, he's like a little, you can tell everybody likes him.

44:51James Acaster: Yeah. So he likes the attention. So he was getting the attention. and he was nibbling on the attention too much. And the problem is at the end of the week they'll show your missus what you did that week. This is what he was up to. He was dancing on table with this bird. He was sharing croquettes with this one on Tuesday. Do you know what I mean? So then she's... Do you know what I'm saying? Right, seven days. Why the Sunday now? Fireworks. Because she's seen this now and she's like, oh, you think, you think you're the only one that likes croquettes. You think. yeah she goes back in the house now weren't even 30 minutes later boom they're in the pool going mad yeah so then the alarm's ringing off on Montoya Montoya's like so nah let me break down the scene yeah let me break down the scene so this is when he runs down when he's running on the beach yeah yeah yeah so the fairy godmother comes yeah and she's like mandem unite yeah boom so the mandem unite boom into this room yeah I mean I wish I wish that's what happened I wish the fairy godmother says mandem unite Very good, Mother Clubs.

45:52Make them unite. All the boys are on the sofa now. She's like, listen, here's the deal. Yeah, I'm gonna break it down to you like this. I'm gonna give you the opportunity. Yeah. One of you can come with me and we're gonna show you a live feed of what's happening in the girl's house right now. Yeah. It's like CCTV footage. Yeah. But the only one that's gonna have sound is your girl, but you can see everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. So, but you have to pick one. So the boys know Montoya's been going through it. Right? So they're like, we're gonna send Montoya, but they're like to Montoya please brother look out for my girl tell me what she's up to please brother he's like yeah yeah yeah I've got you so he goes with her now yeah bear in mind I've had to get this on VPN to the max I've had to I've had to subtitle translate I'm calling up my bridging Clara Clara translate what they saying what they saying because I needed to know it was getting too it was almost getting too far you know when it's Spanish you're Spanish and it's too fast for the subtitles.

46:50Yeah, yeah. Keep up. Yeah, but boom. So Montoya goes now, he's sat in front of all these, the cameras now. You can see everyone. Scan it. So let's say his guy's on camera 11. Bear in mind, he's only got 10 minutes to do this. Yeah. He's only got 10 minutes. Scanning them. All right, cool. His guy's there. His guy's there. Camera 11, please. Enlarges. His guy's in there with a little best friend in the house now. They're chatting. Blah, blah, blah. She's all crying. I can't believe Montoya's being an idiot over there. Yeah, dancing on the tables, eating the croquettes. What's he doing? She's like, babe, don't cry.

47:25Manuel, I think his name is. Manuel knocks on the door. He says, Boja, or whatever her name is. Do one. I need to chat to her. Bear in mind, this is all within 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walks in there. This is live. Live. Live. Oh, Montoya's watching this live. Oh, Montoya. He's walked in now. He must have said some smooth shit in Spanish. Some smooth Spanish shit. senorita this senorita that yeah can I kick it with you yeah yeah boom she's like yeah next thing you know lights flick off bed is just rattling Montoya says what starts running down the beach yeah I said the lightning was a paid act a lightning firestorm camera man's on a gimbal now before it's fixed Camry's had to load up the tank.

48:17Boom. Fairy Godmother's chasing off the Montoya. Montoya! Montoya! So wherever long... I say all that to say, wherever they're shooting that is the part of Spain. I need to go. Yeah. Because that is excitement. Yeah, yeah. That is excitement. We can put your dream restaurant there if you want. We can put it on the beach. On the beach so that while I'm eating the fish. At the moment that you're eating the fish and it's been grilled on the beach, the thunderstorm starts you like, I know what's happening here. This is why. And Montoya runs past you while you're eating the fish. That's it, man. Entertainment.

48:47No one ever thinks of that. I'm entertained by that. I'm worth it. Thank you for letting me tell my story. Not your story.

49:03James Acaster: Dream side dish. Ah. Do you know what the problem is? I don't know what they're called. He calls them turf. No, surf potatoes. Chef Tom Brown. He's got a restaurant. He's got a new one with his brethren in King's Cross. Has he got a new one? So he's got a cornerstone, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's got that. And he's got a new one now, King's Cross. Nice. Mare Street Market called Island. And they've got these crispy potatoes, roast potatoes, but they're like seasoned with like lots of like citrusy kind of flavours. it's like do you know what I mean it's got a little tang to it but it's got that crispy fluffy potato feeling and they always recommend to pair that with the fish and it's kind of hard to go back once you've had them yeah so I want those ones specifically we'll just call them surf roast potatoes yeah that makes sense to get like some like citrusy potatoes with your fish yeah and then obviously the fish is stuffed so it'll have like all our fresh vegetables in there and all that stuff up.

50:11Yeah, when you said what was in the vegetables, I think in the fish, you said vegetables and then you said vibes. Yeah. Were there any more specifics to the vibes? Yeah, yeah. Like obviously, we're going to chop some garlic up, some red peppers, maybe a little scotch bonnet so it's a bit spicy. We're going to have some basil, some coriander, basically all of our green seasoning. Yeah. Sweet peppers as well, red onions, some shallots. Do you know what I mean? We're going to blend most of that up. Some of it we're going to keep kind of chopped whole, but most of it we're going to blend up so it's a bit pasty.

50:39and then we're going to paste that over the fish fillet grill bit of foil on it so it's just like get it is that what I'm saying fucking bring that out delicious bring that out it's very good and are you when it comes off the grill are you going to be the one like picking the fish off or are you going to have someone there to sort of expert yeah they're going to make a show out of it for us yeah it's proper nice in there I promise you well because you got that show happening and then obviously you got Montoya like caning it past yeah caning it past while he's filleting the fish.

51:10James Acaster: Montoya some fish? No, he couldn't eat for days. He couldn't eat for days. He was heartbroken. He was heartbroken. It's crazy with reality shows when they get pitched and stuff, but like how they get made and like how they know it's going to work. Because for me, if I was a commissioner and someone said, we're going to put all the men in one house, all the women in another house, we're going to then send in like sexy people to both of the houses. And the thing is, is that if you don't cheat, then you win. I would think as the commissioner, well, just no one's going to cheat. What are you talking about?

51:48James Acaster: Yeah, but that's casting, right? Yeah, but they're like, they know people well enough now in reality TV that they go, no, no, no, some people can't resist it, even though they're being filmed on TV. People would do it for the clips. Well, that's it. It's either they can't resist it, or more likely, people don't go in those shows to win. people go in those shows to then get a career where they can go on other reality shows and the way you do that is by cheating in Demptation Island do you know what I've been seeing on my timeline a bit more these days it's the Married at First Sight the new season I used to be in Married at First Sight Connoisseur especially the Australian one yeah what a series well all Australian versions of TV shows are just madder than anywhere else in the world and they fight yeah there was one Filipino babe on there that was ready to go every dinner party.

52:39She was flipping tables, chucking chairs. Surprised she made it past like two episodes. The only Married at First Sight one I get is the British one where the guy walks down, no, the lady walks down the aisle and the guy turns around and he's put big fake teeth in. That's the only one I get regularly. Why have I not seen that? I need to see that immediately. Let's get on my algorithm. If you're on the Karen's algorithm, you'll get it eventually. Oh, man. Do you know what my favourite season was? There was one brother, I can't remember what his name is now. So bad, but it's probably better that I don't should we just call him Montoya let's call him Montoya of Married at First Sight yeah but imagine yeah it's the day yeah where they're meant to take them to like your house now yeah to be like oh boom meet my family meet my people look into my world yeah this brother took the girl to Leighton Park took her put her on a bench and said I just like being private I didn't want all the cameras in my house but this is where I grew up this is my heiress my ends yeah Leighton Park she was sat there thinking wow yeah it was done because that should be a nice thing where you go into someone's house and you know meet their mum or whatever yeah

53:49James Acaster: it's mad when I'm talking to my partner about this this morning but like when I think back to the first series of Big Brother in the 90s good times and it was such a gentle show and there was like nasty Nick but really what was he doing he was just being It was just like saying one thing to one person and a slightly different thing to another. Sliding knights to people, yeah. Yeah, but we didn't even know about the sliding knights. When we were getting annoyed about it, until he got busted, we didn't really know about the sliding knights. All we knew was that... Craig knew about the knights. Yeah, but all we knew, we were like, well, he's saying to that person he likes them, and then he's going to another person going, I don't really like that guy.

54:24That was it. He was trying to influence the vote, though, to be fair. It was nasty. It was nasty. It was nasty. Nasty. Nasty Nick.

54:31James Acaster: Compared to now. yeah yeah now it's it's insane yeah yeah how much everyone hated Nasty Nick in the country I was like we've got to get him out and someone threw a little flew a plane in there a little toy plane saying he's lying to you because we were everyone was so up in arms about Nasty Nick I feel like the country needs someone to hate every year like one especially as a nation as a British we liked we like a good yeah but back then we like a good hate session back then we'd actually like get together and hate a guy who actually wasn't very nice now the people who are the worst people on those shows.

55:03James Acaster: Everyone loves them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, that person's great. They just speak their mind. They're so great. Yeah, you've got to get it done. We're so much worse now. Someone's got to be the bad guy. I'm just saying, we're fucked. As a nation, as a people. Yeah, we're fucked. Do you reckon you could do reality TV? No. Yeah, you'd be the worst guy on it. That big brother, do you reckon you could do a big brother? No way. I'd go nuts. I'm a celebrity? I'd love it. Huh? I'm a celebrity, you reckon? No, I'd go nuts. I'm a celebrity I wouldn't jump out the plane oh yeah forget this you wouldn't but early early yeah goodbye goodbye forever when it's like still basically toe touching distance from the floor he's like yeah I'm off do you reckon I'd do it if it was like I think I've said this before if they were like the other people who were going in are all a bunch of legends who you'd love to hang out with yeah I'll do it but it's not it's always because Joel went on it and he got on with everyone and he had a great time and then they went ugh can't have that happen again yeah so they've always tried to make it that there's going to be arguments and people that you don't get on with and I'm sleeping on a jungle floor on top of that and they're feeding me like kangaroo dicks I'm not going to enjoy it there's going to be none of that the more exotic you go yeah I'd break down in the bake-off tent I'm not going to do well in the jungle with like you know the JLC or whatever her name what's her name Gemma Collins Gemma Collins but like not J not a JLS no that's Goldy Looking Chain yeah but like it's a mix between Goldy Looking Chain and JLS you've done that yeah

56:44James Acaster: your dream drink you've had a few shout outs for drinks that you like yeah my dream drink um plum wine with a spirit not like with not with a spirit what am I talking about plum wine and tonic okay had it in Japan yeah yeah and I got very drunk because it was so delicious so this is yeah in Japan that sort of sour the sour plum sort of thing it's like a plum it's like umeboshi I think yeah it's a lovely dose you could have it you could have it plain Jane yeah no tonic but um that's the one time where bubbles are allowed to be introduced a tonic is tonic's not sparkling water yeah you know what I mean I think that's got a bit of a zing to it you can get elderflower in it now yeah that's why I get it it's come a long way yeah like grime yeah exactly yeah yeah exactly do you know what it's annoying me about my has anyone else got like the google thing in there like instead of ring doorbells I feel like I should have just gone ring doorbell what's happened it just doesn't ever work you're on your watch and you're getting annoyed something's just suddenly happened it's because and for the listener this isn't a hard edit where we've just gone into something else yeah this has just happened in real time that Koji was talking about grime and tonic and then suddenly got mad at my watch Has anyone else got this Google thing?

57:59What was happening there? It's just, it never works when I want it to work. Like yesterday, I really desperately needed to check something. Yeah. Couldn't. Kept telling me, nah, don't feel like being a camera today. Fuck you. Fuck you and your dreams. Yeah. And then, and then today, notifications at the wazoo. Someone, someone's cat is just like, fucking jumped on your mailbox. Someone's looked at your house. Yeah. People from Zoopla are here again. Taking pictures. This is why we need to get rid of the Apple Watch. You don't like Apple Watches? No. We got enough notifications coming through. You're right.

58:36You're right. This was a gift. All right. Fair enough. All right. I'll take one if anyone's offering. Yeah. I was against them.

58:44James Acaster: So it was free. So what is it? Like a camera that's on your door that just films everything? You don't have a ring doorbell camera? No. You're a different kind of rich then. You've got snipers. you've got people on the roof James lives next door to a detective yeah yeah yeah he has a trained pet owl that circles yeah yeah I can talk to the owl that'd be cool though if you just get home and just do this that's what we all want and you go what happened today and you go good looking owl the thing is that would suggest that if you had a pet owl who looked out for everything that you'd ever leave your house.

59:28Because if I had a pet owl flying around looking at stuff, I'd just sit there and watch the owl all day. Yeah, just be like... You'd never fucking see me again. Yeah. Just do it. You could do like a whole segment with the owl. Yeah. Just put a little GoPro on his chest. What does an owl go up to in a day? It's an owl's life.

59:44James Acaster: That would be good. Let me have some more wholesome thing to watch on YouTube. Yeah. I watch all kinds of stuff on YouTube. Yeah. I'd train my owl to attack Karens with the GoPro on. That'd be good. And then that's making top five Karens, isn't it? Yeah, it's then karma. yes it would if one of them got attacked by an owl it would make top five challenges revenge by owl that's like the staircase isn't it yeah they thought she was attacked by an owl well they didn't think it was the defence yeah were saying that at one point even though no one else believed she was attacked by an owl was she attacked by an owl there's no way you know but it was like the people defended her husband were like oh we think she was on top of the stairs and then the window was open and an owl flew in and put its talons in her head and that made her stagger back and then she fell down the stairs because we found these marks in her head that we think must have been owl talons.

1:00:36Imagine going into court that day. Where is that? Imagine being in Streatham and someone's defence being like I'm going to tap right now. Well you know you've run out of you know you have no defence if an owl's popping in.

1:00:50James Acaster: You know you've done it. You've done the crime. If you're going into court going okay this is this is our last chance we're going to claim it was an owl this is all I've got this is all I've got left I think this guy's going to go to prison for the rest of his life but we've got a career to uphold after this and we've got a crime committing owl on the loose yeah how do we reprimand that yeah yeah if they believe that yeah someone's got to go down for that yeah then we'll be going if the next case is like the owl and weirdly they have been hired as the lawyers yeah same people now defending the owl that'd be good I love watching I love watching court stuff nowadays yeah that's my entertainment seriously I'm into it like you watch real life court yeah I'm into it yeah I'm into it I wanna know what's going on in there yeah tell me about it is it fun no the crimes are horrific but like but but you know what I mean it's more I like watching the defence lawyers I think that is hilarious a little bit you know when you just got someone bang to write oh we done it on the stairs with a spatula 2 o 'clock we all saw him and they still got to go in and just think of something yeah no and how about he didn't do it but no he did it no he was possessed his dog told him to do it his owl his owl told him to do it would you be a good defence lawyer do you think if it was my brethren it was my friend yeah what if Ed got in trouble for sending a nail to attack a Karen oh I could get him off from that easy easy even if I filmed it and put it on my YouTube channel easy we would play it in court we'd play it in court we'd play it and I'd still get it yeah that was the defence and the beginning of the tape is literally me looking right into the camera on the owl going gonna go and attack a Karen now and then I let it go and it attacks the Karen who sat there in the court with all scratches on her face.

1:02:53And you, as my defence lawyer, are going to get me off because I put a video out saying top five Karen's being attacked by owls. No, because what we're going to do, what we're going to do is we're going to, because obviously the bit that went viral is... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's horrible, obviously. Yeah. But what people didn't see is the Karen beating a Karen. Yes, of course. So we just put the first five minutes, like five minutes prior to her being done in by the owl. Yeah. we just show what she was doing everyone's gonna go yeah and it's gonna be long and we just show the whole five minutes without even getting into character to like throw herself on the bonnet and cry yeah and like midway through the video everyone's gonna be thinking I can't wait for her to get hit by this owl and there's a reason the video's gone viral right so they'll love it in the court they'll all be applauding and stuff and then there you go your honour yeah instant karma yeah boom owl comes in two piece combo she's none the wiser at first then she tries to fight back which then we can now say that Al had to use more force because she was Peter Griffin not guilty not guilty let him go

1:04:07James Acaster: Ed and I pretended to be YouTubers once before we started doing Off Menu I was going to say this is on YouTube we're YouTubers now we finally got it years and years but like before we did Off Menu we were going to do a funny YouTube thing where we were going to pretend to be the people who watch TV shows and have fan theories about it we were going to pretend to be fan theorists called Ed Gamble and Jamie and we filmed a load at Ed's house in one go but then neither of us knew how to edit it so we just never put it online but I remembered one of them this week because my mum came over and she'd never seen Westworld before and I was I was resting up I couldn't talk so I was like we'll just watch something and I knew she'd like season one of Westworld I've never seen Westworld so I put it on and then I and I remembered oh yeah me and Ed did that Ed Gamble and Jamie thing where we talked to the camera and we had a theory about Westworld that when Ben Barnes gets this is a spoiler but I was going to say Ben Barnes gets put naked on a horse and they slap and the person doing it to him slaps the horse's butt and Ben Barnes just goes off into Westworld just never to be seen again and we had a fan theory that Ben Barnes fucks the horse and that's how Mr.

1:05:25James Acaster: Tumnus is born in Narnia and it's just and it's just us it's just us when you when you and the whole video was us going I can't believe we never released this this would have been we have very different careers now we had caps on like we had caps on our dress and we were going like it's Ed Gamble and Jamie and we're like Ben Barnes fucked that horse and we kept on saying like there's no way the amount of times we kept saying like Ben Barnes fucked that horse yeah all the time we did one for Stranger Things as well that's how long ago did Stranger Things one about the upside down I can't remember what that one is but the Westworld one was the one yeah we'd be very different you know we probably wouldn't be sat here now well I'm glad you didn't put it out yeah because we would have been like Mr Beast yeah Mr and Mr Beast because that would have taken off and then that's now your life yeah Yeah.

1:06:17I mean, everyone's going to be like, say the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Now I get popped on. Fuck that horse. Gamble. Real last name. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Ed Gamble and Jamie. That is a great last name. It's a good one. I'm happy with it. I don't know if I could have a doctor. Called Dr. Gamble. Yeah. No. Yeah. It's not. It's not a good name. Yeah. Yeah. Lawyer. Same thing. You don't want. You don't want any. You want certainty with those. Certainty. Yeah. I would have to change my name if I was a doctor or a lawyer. 100 % or go with the middle one Stevenson which does sound like lovely Dr. Stevenson yes lovely I'll show you yeah yeah

1:06:57your dream dessert oh yeah who's hungry yeah yeah yeah still hungry one of you is hungry me oh yeah you didn't eat breakfast yeah

1:07:06James Acaster: I had some rice krispies and bananas together one go yeah I'll like not in the same bowl no no I ate a couple of bananas and then had a big bowl of Rice Krispies spoon and banana still eating Rice Krispies I love Rice Krispies so much 41 yeah I'm 40 don't age me I'm 41 in a month and nine days when's this coming out later I'm 41 when this goes out okay fine well when this goes out who knows I might have got over my Rice Krispie face I had cereal for the first time in ages the other day yeah what'd you have it was a protein cereal I'm trying to yeah which one I think it's called Surreal Surreal yeah yeah you're either going Surreal or Grandma Crunch those are the two Grandma Crunch those are the two bodybuilder cereals out there Grandma Crunch it's funny I keep derailing this whole show sorry it's okay it's okay my dream dessert yeah is it's not especially a dream but to be honest it's the only one that I like like that when I'm out is a sticky tough Sticky Toffee Pudding So you're not much of a dessert guy I feel like that makes me a connoisseur of desserts Go on Because it's like the rest of them are a bit faffy I'm there now It's the end of the meal My stomach is going nuts Yeah you're hungry brother And you do a podcast about eating food Maybe it's just self-harm Here's what's really bad I need a weenie I know it's going to get annoyed, it's desserts It's the end now so hold it That would be funny from what we talked about at the beginning if you piss yourself we thought it was going to be me but I've got my type of trousers we've got another guest after this now I've got to go to a meal and then I've got to go to a gig yeah look just hold it in yeah Jesus okay

1:08:57I feel like ice cream on a sticky toffee pudding yeah adds another level of like danger yeah vanilla gotta get that quick vanilla ice cream yeah it has to be yeah yeah nothing too exotic because then it just turns into custard on top basically yeah and then it's just all nasty yeah I feel like the rest of them are a bit too faffy do you know what I mean they're just arguably it's just lots of versions of cream James what have you got to say about this all the desserts as a dessert all the desserts are versions of cream usually

1:09:26James Acaster: I would absolutely rip Koji apart for this but I need to piss so badly that I'll just say yeah you're right no everything's just a version of cream yeah the world the world to me right now is either cream or piss that's all That's all I can really think about. So, yeah. This is the way to stop James getting angry on the podcast. Make sure he was ill before and lost his voice so he can't shout poppadoms of bread. And his bladder full of piss. It's full of piss. And if I shouted or got angry, it would just all erupt out of me. Where are you going for a meal? Huh? You said you're going for a meal.

1:10:02James Acaster: Going to Hopper's. Oh, nice. Shranken food. Why is that unbelievable? I'm not invited. Well, because you're not coming to the gig I'm going to. Yeah, and I found out about this gig and I wish I was invited to that. but you like Cameron Winter I do since when I enjoyed the album I told you that's how I felt coming on this podcast I was just like I know I'm by the phone code you know what I mean you've received yeah days turn into months months turn into years

1:10:29well sticky toffee pudding is the delicious way to end it and it's the only dessert that is not a version of cream yep I think so what's tiramisu really that's cream coffee cream right then I mean yeah

1:10:40James Acaster: it's unfair to pick that one but yeah

1:10:44gorgeous cream gorgeous cream in different solid states

1:10:49James Acaster: yeah yeah to be fair trifle trifle that's cream cream today I had to choose it's the orange yeah no it's alright no focus laser in yeah today I had to choose my meal for a wedding I'm going to next year what were his wedding games you didn't know him I grew up for him and kept him I just used dessert and it was between sticky toffee pudding and a cheesecake and you made the right choice right? I chose the cheesecake because the groom when he was at the tasting dessert tasting thing had texted me going this is the most incredible dessert I've ever had and I felt like if I don't choose it he's going to think that I don't respect his opinion cheesecake is basically just cream yeah that's true maybe cream with a base what you're going to do if you get there and when he said cheesecake he means like at weddings when it's just like piles of cheese and they arrange it like a cake so it's you've chosen the cheese course essentially what are you going to do?

1:11:50James Acaster: Like a shark on a tree board Yeah Well it's his day so I've just got to be alright with that I've got to pretend that I like it and that it's okay but I will be angry I will carry that resentment out of the wedding into our friendship moving forward As you should Yeah yeah You've got to like just make sure but anytime you invite him somewhere, his plate is different from everyone else's. He'll have a breadboard. Make sure you need a piss. Because then you can't shout at him. Yeah, I'll have to make sure the whole wedding I need a piss. Yeah, the whole time. So that I'm on my best behaviour. Yeah.

1:12:23James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. If it works, it works. Tony Blair used to make sure he needed a piss before every speech. Is it? Because it would... He made sure. Yeah, he would drink loads so that he needed to piss. And then it meant that he focused in the speech. That's what he said. He'd really focus. Is that why he moved his hands around so much? Yeah, yeah. Because he's like so desperate for a piss. So desperate for a wee wee. You know when you need a piss and you can feel it in your fingers and your teeth? Yeah. I don't... You don't remember? I don't remember a Prime Minister before Tony Blair. Yeah, I remember one.

1:12:54I know them from like the history books. Oh, yeah. How old are you? 31 now.

1:12:58James Acaster: Yeah. Yeah, I guess Blair would be the OG for you. Yeah. I can't remember. I'm lying. I'm 32. I'm 32. I'm going to be 33 next year. When this goes out. I'm 33 when this goes out. Do you eat Rice Krispies? No. Because there's kids on the box. They're delicious. What? Stop, Cup and Crackle and Pop aren't kids. Of course they are. What are they? How old are they? They're like pixies or something. No.

1:13:26James Acaster: You get to an age where you can't eat something with the kids on the box. They're like little wood imps. I think they're... Like wood elves or something. I think they're maximum 14. Max. Yeah. They're wood elves. They're not wood elves. Even in the grand scheme of their year, let's say they live longer than the average human being. I still feel in the portion of life that there was on that box. Yeah. Yeah, because they might be older now. Yeah. But when they did the photo shoot. Yeah, when they did that, they was teens. Yeah. It tastes delicious either way. So it's not exactly like a kid's, like, I'd say like Coco Pops is a kid's thing.

1:14:03It's because there's a sensory element to it that makes it childish. Yeah. what? The snap, the crackle and the pop.

1:14:10James Acaster: Well, that was the thing actually, when my mum was staying over and watching Westworld, I got myself a big bowl of Rice Krispies. All she could hear is you... And I walked in the living room and she hadn't been around a bowl of Rice Krispies for ages because she hadn't, you know, and her face lit up and she went, they still make the noise. And I was like, what did you think that it doesn't make the noise anymore? And she was like, listen to it. It's still making the noise. And I was like, mum, it's not, it's like a natural phenomenon. It's not something that they put into it. It's a natural phenomenon.

1:14:41James Acaster: Well, you think they just found them on the floor one day and went, those make noise, put them in a box. Well, they just discovered that when you put milk on them... They snap on the crackle. They didn't go, let's make it snap, crackle and pop, let's take out the snap, crackle and pop. I see what you mean now by natural phenomenon. It's a natural phenomenon. That's nice for your mum, because a lot of things change in the world, right? And it's nice to know that when you get older, there are some things you can rely on, like snap, crackle and pop. That's lovely. Yeah, it was pitiful how much her face lit up.

1:15:09James Acaster: I'm going to read you your menu now see how you feel about it you would like oh you would like still water but also a sorrel and ginger yeah you would like Turkish bread from got got kizu yeah starter you'd like oxtail croquette from smokestack and a paloma and a chebab and a plantain thank you main course whole grilled tilapia stuffed with vegetables garlic scotch bonnet herbs etc vibes vibes vibes side dish served roast potatoes from Ireland drink plum wine and tonic dessert sticky toffee pudding with vanilla ice cream how do you feel about that I think that sounds brilliant that is a really good menu I think that sounds good that sounds like now please yeah do you know what I mean now please now please now please obviously I forgot to mention that you know everyone's running past you on the beach and all that stuff everyone's running past Thunder Lightning Montoya Montoya it's a proper like good check it out yeah it's so good I could play it to you off cam ok we'll watch it we'll watch it off cam we'll watch it off cam yeah but not before James has gone for a piss I don't need one anymore yeah you know it just suddenly subsides yeah does it just soak back into your body yeah I guess so I mean I think maybe like talk about Rice Krispies or something just sorted it out yeah puts you in a happy place zen yeah kind of just like I'm kind of chilled out again now I'm alright Koji thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant no worries thank you for having me

1:16:43there we are a great chat with Koji lots of food chat but mainly chat about a Spanish reality television show James I love

1:16:52James Acaster: I love having TV shows described to me that I've not seen by someone who absolutely loves the show loves the show really great stuff took us ages to get to the heart of what he was talking about yeah sure I was confused yeah I've you know obviously as soon as we finish recording we watch the clip and it is amazing it's a fantastic clip and I'm sure if you haven't already watched it just watch it now it's really good, it is worth it and Koji didn't say tinned potatoes of course so we can promote his gig at the Royal Albert Hall again on the 20th of May yes, do go and see that, he is brilliant absolutely fantastic, listen to all of his music watch Taskmaster New Year's Treat and he did as well watch this on YouTube of course yeah Benito's sneakily filmed it and put it on YouTube and if you don't watch it it's going to get sad so watch it there he always he secretly films it he's got like little little cameras everywhere yeah he films through meta glasses as well yeah to go on YouTube you have to look up Benito's grubby little perv shots oh that's what it's called that's what you have to Google I'm afraid yeah search that on YouTube Benito's grubby little perv shots yes if it doesn't come up second try just off menu podcast yeah I tell you what I'm not setting foot in your bunker no captured from every angle he doesn't want a bunker he says what you just want to have the flesh flayed from your bones can we stop saying that phrase well who doesn't want to get me in a bunker if there's a nuclear if there's a nuclear explosion stop saying to people you want to have the flesh flayed for flesh it's like the flesh the flesh flesh the flesh flayed for flayed the oh my goodness flesh flayed from your bones stop saying that to people I don't know how you're even doing it to be honest

1:18:48thanks for listening we'll be back again bye bye

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1:19:36James Acaster: Hey, I'm Alison Spittel. And I'm Fern Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday, the 10th of February.

1:20:13James Acaster: So please listen and subscribe.