Laura Smyth

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0:58So, minutes. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation.

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3:12Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the marzipan of conversation. crafting into the imitation fruits of humour and presenting in a wonderful box with some tissue paper around it. Marzipan fruits. Imagine that.

3:27James Acaster: That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Egghouse of Together. We own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Laura Smith. Laura Smith, a wonderful comedian, James. Fantastic comic. So funny. Laura and I do Glastonbury every year together it's a fallow year this year so we won't be doing Glastonbury so therefore Laura's on the podcast so I get my annual dose of Laura Smith James can't afford to let his friendships go fallow along with the Glastonbury schedule that's right I'm very excited that Laura's coming on you miss Glastonbury don't you you put a long drop in your garden because you miss it so much yeah I do and I do a big poo in there and then I go and I sit in, well, I get my phone and I play my favourite bands but I make sure that I put my phone as far away from me as possible, like several blocks away and then I watch from really far back in my garden.

4:25James Acaster: I don't really have a garden but it's fun to actually fantasise about having a long job in my garden actually. I feel quite fancy now. Laura is fantastic and she's on tour with her show Born Aggie. That's in the autumn and she's doing the Eventum Apollo, James. Well worth a visit. Get this though, right? We like Laura, but we'll kick her out of the dream restaurant if she picks the secret ingredient, ingredient we deem to be unacceptable. And this week, get this, the secret ingredient is... Eggie bread. Eggie bread. Born eggy. Eggie bread. Born eggy. So eggy sounds like eggy, so we've done eggy bread.

5:01James Acaster: Eggy bread. Pretty good. Enjoy. I wonder what she was saying. Enjoy this episode. It's the off-menu menu of Laura Smith.

5:18Welcome Laura to the Dream Restaurant.

5:21James Acaster: Thank you for having me. Welcome Laura Smith to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Yeah, indeed. Thanks for having me. Most welcome, of course. Thanks for coming. It's very exciting to have you here. Thank you. I feel like you and I only really see each other at Glastonbury each year. We do. I am a huge, huge fan of your comedy, but I have to say, when you and Mr Nish Kumar are DJing, it's a next level fandom. Thank you. It might be something to do with my altered state at Gatsby Breeze, but you've never quite noticed me, but I'm usually at the front row going, Gage, you know me!

5:58As you mix Missy Elliott and Natalie and Bruglia, and I can still have flashbacks of your mixes. I love it. I love it. and I said to Nish I said it's like when the geeks in the comm room get the aux cord he went no it's not like that it is that yeah yeah I love seeing these guys DJ it's not enough to make me go to Glastonbury why no no no this guy hates it this guy download download girl download's great it's the right size it's the right bands it's the right paving yeah exactly exactly I'm just not interested Glastonbury's too big and I'm not interested in any of the bands I'd say maybe three but that's not enough for a weekend is it and I don't want to get into an altered state Laura you don't want to get into an altered state but there's something else about Glastonbury when you play it as a comedian you could quite happily have your whole weekend just tucked up behind with Charlotte the Booker and her crew of hippie legends making you tea and there's that vibe of like I suppose I better go and watch Roger Stewart then going to town I sometimes think if my whole Glastonbury was just talking nonsense with other comedians and watching Basil Brush and Acasta and Kumar DJing I'd go home happy

7:11James Acaster: Basil Brush sang Purple Rain last year what do you think about that? bet you'd have liked to have seen that don't get that at download my friend I'm going to go now my work here is done I'm alright I'll just have a water it is funny watching these two DJ because James is so focused on the music he's got his head down looking at the laptop and Nish is out front dancing and you're like what is Nish's job here? there's a lot of times last year at Glastonbury I accidentally early on spilt a drink over all of my stuff and I was really reliant on Nish to jump in there and take care of it he's earning his keep he's a dancer and cleaner it's like watching I told you I'm a fan when you're watching it and you're like I need to know where the line of artifice is here because they're feeling this.

8:04They are run DMC in this way.

8:07James Acaster: It's all real. It's all real. It's the most real I've ever been. But I think James mainly DJs, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, in the same way why I barbecue. So you've got something to get on with and you don't need to speak to people. Sure. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for saying this. I host a lot of parties because then I'm in the kit. I'm just bringing more. Busy. I'm busy. Yeah, yeah. It's a social awkwardness. Yeah, yeah. it totally is stay busy you don't need to speak to your guests and then by the time it's finished and everyone's like oh we'll all have a chat now no I've got to do got to do the washing up now yeah yeah yeah sorry I'd love to I love the way I went oh my god James Acaster might be socially awkward I'm bringing all the tea today what a revelation what are your signatures at parties when you're cooking when you're making volavons what you got going on that was a smoother link yeah that was really nice we're into food yeah oh i love i i i love um i love anything which is just like oh you know if there's loads of people over like give you a good few like roast chickens or things that they can take like a slow roasted lamb do you follow that melise cooks no on instagram mate she's the queen of the slow roasted lamb yeah the reverse sear meat you know anything that you want to get into yeah i just i'm i'm i'm an over provider i'm from I'm a big family.

9:30Do you know what I mean? Slow roasted lamb is the absolute hack for entertaining, I think. Oh, yeah. Get it in at like one in the afternoon if they're coming over in the evening. The house smells of that lamb for hours.

9:41James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. A lamb smelling house is good. Yeah. I think I want a candle. I want to light a lamb fat candle. I think that would really... So my house always smells of lamb. I'd be so relaxed. That really alienate the missus. And you'll just have dogs. So if you're living in like a Wattle and Daub house. I think you can do that then no people don't talk about Wattle and Dorb enough I don't know what that is I got taught about it in school in primary school they were like saying about I don't know maybe medieval times or something and people would build their houses out of Wattle and Dorb and I thought that's going to be a thing it's like hay and mud basically right yeah I thought it was going to be something I'd have to remember forever and it would be very important but I've not only ever encountered Wattle or Dorb I learnt about it at the Weald and Downland Museum.

10:31I don't know if you ever went there. Is that the festival you go to? No. It's like a medieval village, you know, like when they build a medieval village and kids walk around, they go, look at how shit people used to live. Love it. Acast is still like, I dream of what I'm in the door.

10:46James Acaster: I love what I'm in the door. Save me from the sinking sand. Oh, man. Are you a foodie? Do you consider yourself much of a foodie? I am. Do you know what? I was thinking of a bit of a gag the other day because this is leading to Glastonbury right I was doing a roast dinner the other day right and I realised all my hobs were being used and I thought oh I've got to get the cauliflower on for cauliflower cheese and then I had this like ding memory of my husband's best mate Jim telling me about how he does a cauliflower cheese vegetarian he roasts the cauliflower first so to get all the moisture out because sometimes you want the cauliflower leaves in but then you can make it watery so I texted him I'm going a bit of a random one I said you were telling me about how you roast your cauliflower before cauliflower cheese and then he went right deep into it and he was like yeah you need some cumin you know a bit of salt pepper garlic powder olive oil really slow roast get all the moisture out and then you want a really strong roux with the strongest extra mature cheddar you can and then you know put that on and then cheese and pan come on top and then you know you get full on marmy no wateriness it's amazing and all that and I said oh thanks man and I was thinking you know how everyone on a Zen pic talks about I want to stop the food noise I was like I need that food noise when I ain't got a hob I need to remember and he went how do you remember that I told you that in Glastonbury 2017 we were all fat nuts and I was like that's the food noise I need I love it I love food I wish I didn't as much I wish I didn't I don't know people that don't love it it's joyous it's joyous I wouldn't trade loving food for the world I think it's perfect it's hard it's hard to love it said it before we're going to have to keep eating so I'd like to love it please yeah yeah I don't want to not like it but here we go I've got to do this three times today yeah I want to talk more about this cauliflower cheese though because that sounds absolutely amazing it sounds great I love roasted cauliflower is like up there for me yeah I absolutely love it so you're roasting the cauliflower you're making the roux separately yeah and then mixing it in yeah I did it I did it the other day and he says cumin seeds but I knew my kids would be like meh about cumin seeds so I did a little bit of salt, pepper, olive oil and just let it really slow roast with the leaves and stalk and everything and then the cumin seeds the salt yeah I said salt and pepper and cumin I did cumin powder a bit of paprika and garlic powder not granules like the powder which you have to keep in an actual plastic jar because that puffs up so you know so then that is really good and then when I made a really thick roux with extra mature cheddar and so when it coated that and then the topping and breadcrumbs.

13:25It avoids, because cauliflower cheese can just be like a bit polentary almost if you get it. It can just be a bit disappointing. That is how you do it. Yeah, that sounds so good.

13:34James Acaster: Because you've got the char on the cauliflower from the rice thing. Yeah. I've only just started like filming all this, right? I went boss. And so like I'm really noticing now like when you're describing the food and I was thinking this sounds delicious and I got really aware of what my face was doing because it's like it's just filming me and I'm just like I'm like it's like normally I can get away with that chewing those bits but now but he's like papping us all the time so we sorry to put up on about this when you've mixed the roux and you've put the panko on the top how long are you then putting that in the oven because the cauliflower is all cooked already yeah yeah well it's cooked anyway the oil do but just slow until it's crispy on the top yeah yeah yeah because then it's just you've got I mean it's an overused word but it's the best I mean it's a marmi it's a marmi or an armi that's what we're saying that's not an overused word that's the most he's ever grilled a guest you're not grilling it that would be crazy you'd just burn the breadcrumbs as soon as I said it I thought I've left myself wide open you'd burn the breadcrumbs yeah yeah you're a maverick well I shouldn't laugh but yay it's your podcast do you film that one we do film that one we do film it it's the way now pain in the ass awful did Benito make you do that yeah probably before we started doing videos you know some places started calling audio podcasts legacy podcasts how awful is that yeah when I started doing podcasts I was the you know at the forefront yeah you were in the trenches you built this bad boy I was the young guy out there making waves and suddenly I'm legacy yeah so depressing do you know what that's called a retronym a retronym is when so when you didn't need the word analogue until you got this sort of a digital clock so it's when something is renamed on account of what comes after it retronym used to be an English teacher there you go sometimes I love that moments like that I do love that you try and you know you try and think of more yeah yeah I think I think I think I'm not going to go down that yeah yeah well I know legacy is a word in itself but you only need the word and the the description until something else has happened I love that I'm going to use that word I really do love that what can you tell the listeners about your podcast oh yeah yeah I went all shouldn't laugh but is with one of my absolute besties that just makes me laugh which is a good way to do it and it's just we try and find little niche corners of the internet that make us laugh and you know I mean let's face it it's just every other it's like every other podcast where it's just being silly and talking nonsense an excuse to have a chat an excuse to have a chat so it's just us two and we find it really funny and she just does make me laugh we just make each other laugh so it's that kind of arrogance of like oh my god we're so funny we should record this not for us for them they're missing out on his voice though so you're mad so yeah it is so funny and what makes me laugh is that we never run out of things to say so you know we're finding the woman gets her hands bitten off by a shark doing a selfie in Turks and Caicos you know we like all that we like we like finding things like that.

16:48We like the Louvre, then find out how good looking the compelers are. Yeah, yeah, fit robber. Fit robbers. We're well into fit robbers. We like people. Hot convicts? That was obviously, that was before you guys started doing the podcast. That was what it was going to be called, hot convicts. Yeah, hot convicts. Yeah. And we like people stealing, did you see the woman stealing langoustine outside a restaurant? Crime of opportunity. She just did. But then we found out she took loads more, so we're like oh no she's a cereal tea leaf the problem with some of these funny news stories is then you look into the background of it it gets quite sad oh I know yeah you know sometimes we pick things and we're like oh no no no a few bits of videos

17:29James Acaster: what's his Ed's favourite stuff on the internet he likes top five Karens oh yeah top five Karens I love tell me more we've been accused of being called Karens oh really literally all we said we were talking about the fact that Brooklyn Beckham is estranged from the Beckhams we went I said really it's just Meghan Markle a mini you've got to do your own brand you've got to get away from the royal family someone went why are they bringing her into it what pair of old Karens we were like old Karens yeah I'll take it no I get a lot of top five Karens videos on my like YouTube shorts I don't have TikTok I'm on YouTube shorts it means I get everything on TikTok about six months later maybe you're a bit too rock and roll yeah maybe this is the thing he speaks the most seriously about is top five Karens so just be a compilation video of like the top five Karens according to the person who's put the video together.

18:16It's not always the same. Who's your top Karen? I like instant karma Karens, obviously. Yeah, run or fall over in their big fat leggings. They'll be like bashing on someone's window saying you can't park outside my house even though it's free parking on the street. Oh, I love that. And then their leggings will trip over their leggings. Or they threaten to get their husband and the person from there just laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They trip up their leggings. Or they get hit by a bike or something. Instant karma. Instant karma. Which I don't think is what karma means necessarily. I think it's quite a sort of like spiritual concept, right?

18:56You know, karma. When people started talking about karma, they weren't just like, Karen's going to trip over her leggings. No, that was definitely not the original. That is what the Dalai Lama was thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

19:06James Acaster: Yeah. He's no better Dalai Lama. Dalai Lama suck that kid's tongue. He's not a good guy. That was, that's put me off oysters. I forgot that. So weird. I forgot that. That's what I mean. Yeah. Fucking hell, I forgot he did that shit. Yeah. I was mainly thinking about the time he said that women should cheer up and wear makeup. Do you remember that? Yeah, he did say that. I'm with him on that. There we go, we've got the Dalai in. And I'm back. You're off on tour as well. Oh, I am. Very exciting. Thanks for mentioning that. Born Aggie. Born Aggie. Which is great, great title. Yes, thank you. I love the term Aggie.

19:49James Acaster: I don't use it enough. Oh, I'll tell you what. Some words, they're just great, isn't they? And it came from, I did my first tour, living my best life. And then I'd not been well. I'm a cancer survivor. And I bumped into a mate and she'd had this mad brain. I imagine nearly died. And then she was talking about that we're both on the mend. and she said and she had her 50th birthday and she danced till sunrise and she said and this Laura this is how we're going to live our life fighting and dancing fighting and dancing I thought that's not my tour fighting and dancing because it sounds like a night out in East London and I thought wicked fighting and dancing anyway did a work in progress in Southend and this woman on the front row Deborah who said oh I like my dogs more than my kids and then these two women next to her went they were her daughters and then so she was she was gold all night and then I went I said it's just because I'm Aggie I said it my life's good career good husband good kids good so still Aggie she went oh mate she goes I was born Aggie and I went alright that's it and it's just born Aggie because I think sometimes you know you do all the work don't you know you do all the I've got a cranial osteopath I do restorative yoga I've got a hypnotherapist I still want to fucking end someone on the Lizzie line and I think I'm just going to embrace it I think you have too I don't think there's any amount of spiritual practice that can overcome your natural instinct to be Aggie.

21:12Yeah. Yeah. It gets things done.

21:14James Acaster: Those ones are the worst. Like, it's really hard to be on the tube or something and not, at some point, get incredibly angry. Yeah. Internally. Not me. Not me. Huh? I don't. Literally, you had to get the tube yesterday for the first time in ages. You were texting me and Ben and saying you were in hell. Yes. it's because the Victoria line decided to stop all the time and I'm not talking about the normal stops don't get me started on public transport stopping the normal stops I'm fine with I can live with that I would prefer it if it just went from the stop I was at to the stop I wanted to go to yeah cool can't just be a car yeah that's what I say when I get on be a car I think there should be a system where whoever it's like an auction a blind auction you put in how much money you're willing to pay and the person who bids the most goes straight to the stock so the richest person well no it's who's willing to put the money out there so the richest person on the train yeah it goes to money that old lady with her freedom pass you're getting fuck all nan yeah that's how you figure it should be that's how you figure do you know that he's had the world worse yeah yeah but not on the tube it's not yet my favourite Hank Simpsons quote of all time is like I want what everyone wants preferential dreamer but no it kept stopping in between the stops and I was getting really I was getting really aggy really aggy I was getting really hyped up about it and then looking around and obviously these people are all doing this journey every morning they're commuting to work because it was quite early and they're completely relaxed because they're so used to it they're like reading their book they're having a great time no they're not having a great time they are broken they are detached there's a lot of like yeah disassociation but I'm looking around being like we need to there needs to be a revolution to try these doors open and push the tube carriage.

23:04James Acaster: Or the bid system. Or the bid system. Yes, the bid system. Is there a certain type of etiquette on public transport that when it's not followed, your blood boils and you really can't? Well, you know what it's going to be. It's the, I think, that money that Mr Privilege is paying should be to be give out free AirPods to everyone because I do not want to hear your short form content reels very loud or anyone that talks on just don't talk I mean if you're on like a big train big train big train not a little train you know like a main national rail a grown up train if you're on with like oh this is Karen's but you know when you're if you get on a train and people like if you're returning from a gig in the morning and from some shit hole in the nowhere I don't know I like everywhere I get obviously but then they're going into town they're going back to London and it's there they've got the the long flowy dresses on the denim jackets and some designer trainers and they're all on the Prosecco.

24:02Why are you talking? Yeah. I don't care. You're not funny. I hate you. Also, I would ban alcohol on trains because I think it just makes people talk really loudly. Oh, no. They turn it into a picnic and I'm not happy about it. Well, yes. But you know why? It's because you might gig in Brighton, jump on the train back to London, wherever. Yeah. And you're so stone cold sober because you're just running from your bragging and everyone is off there. And you're like, you see it and you go, it's the ugliest when you're sober. Yes or drink. You drink. Oh, I drink. Yeah, I get pissed before every trade day.

24:36Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also an option, I suppose.

24:38James Acaster: Problem solved. Problem solved. We always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Oh, yeah, still. Yeah, still. Or tap water. Just keep it. To me, why spend money on that? Yeah. Is there, like, if you're having tap water, where's the best tap water in the country? probably like yeah Yorkshire Dells you know when you go oh my husband's from North Yorkshire and you go up to Yorkshire and then you wash your hair and you're like what are these bubbles what's going on because I'm a hard water girly all my life and you can't believe how nice it is so yeah and once I was in actually I might have changed to Scotland for my cousin married a Scottish girl and we were in the Burks of Aberfeldy which Robert Burns wrote about and I drank water from a real spring that's well nice yeah it's mad isn't it when you do that you can have that if you want for your drink water I love the springs from the Berks I've ever filled it I'll probably get people writing going there isn't a spring there that was a puddle you did but no yeah unreal if you drunk out of a puddle if it turns out you got tricked and drunk out of a puddle that would be what a twist to the episode well there are real springs in Yorkshire yeah I think I like literally put my we were walking in the Yorkshire and I put my water bottle under like a waterfall thing and drank the water it was amazing you did yeah you know I don't think you would do that.

25:59James Acaster: Why not? Like Ed Gamble. I think you would go, that's disgusting, Riverwater. I was younger then. I was less neurotic. I wasn't crusted over by life. I am like, because I was born and raised in East London, I am like a dog out a window when I'm in countryside. My husband jokes with me that he goes, because I don't know what a village, county, all that nonsense, but they go, he says there's only two places in the UK for Laura, London and not London. He has this joke where you're like, oh, it's all right, calm down, yeah, we get it, you're not in London. I love it. There's a lot of Robin Hood, Prince of Fies film there, so you know, the scenes of those waterfalls as well.

26:43It's magic, isn't it?

26:44James Acaster: That's funny when you know that something's filmed there as well. When you get told such and such was filmed here and for some reason it does change how you interact with it when you know that Robin Hood was filmed here and that Cosner must have been walking around here. Costner walked on this ground. Costner probably took a piss up a tree. Yeah. Between the springs. Yeah. That's why the cafe can sell their sausage rolls twice the price. Yeah. Curse you, Kevin! Well, that sounds great. And you just want it straight out the spring. Yeah. So we start within the dream restaurant. You've got that spring there in Scotland.

27:20James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're going to lap out of that. Yeah. Yes, that sounds wicked. Pop-a-dubs or bread! Pop-a-dubs or bread, Laura Smith! Pop-a-dubs or bread! I feel like another answer I'm going to give is going to contradict this, but I'll get to it. I'm going to go poppadoms, right? Because poppadoms for me are firmly in the category of things that just do not have calories. You know what I mean? They're so light. Do you know what I mean? So then I can eat 29. There is not a limit to the number of poppadoms I will smash. I love it all. I love Thai abs in Whitechapel, you know, and it's just like endless madness.

27:51And I'm just like, I love it. I love it. Yeah.

27:54James Acaster: So you want unlimited? oh unlimited poppadoms I think if you you know when people are like oh yeah unlimited crunchy crunchy crunchy I want everything on it all at once and if that was going to be another question I've listened to the pod but yeah I love them I love poppadoms I love bits little bits I love bits I love little bits just bits bits when my eldest she's like but she invented the word chops because she just anything snacks or crunchy or anything was just she's a little two year old like chops so we still use it in the family can I bring anything you're like I'll just get some yeah just beer and chips or I'll stop for some beer and chips and it just means everything the crunch the poppadom anything because Brazilians do that don't they like my friend like Brazilians love texture contrast don't they so anything is like well I'll crunch this onto and they're putting everything to make sure there's that going on and I'm with that texture's so important and I think beer and chips is perfect perfect I can't have a beer without chips no you can't have a beer without chips wow yeah beer and chips in front of the telly hello what's your favourite chips with beer Bombay mix or oh no Bombay mix we haven't really had that come up very much on the pod the Bombay mix there's a sort of family legend I'm a family legend about it my mum was doing a sort of counselling therapy course and all this and she said do you know what we had to do we had to list things we're grateful for and my sister Sarah who's almost like I know she'd never have if you even go how you doing you happy she'd go don't start all that so we always thought oh that's nice let's describe the full thing she went Sarah Webb do you know what I'm so grateful they don't label the calories on Bombay Mix and it's like yeah it's bomb yeah that was the first thing the only thing brilliant so you're Bombay Mix family yeah you're all addicted to the Bombay Mix but there's all sorts of variations on Bombay Mix isn't there like all different sort of charts going on I love it what are your favourite I remember my dad used to really be into it and the little crunchy noodles the little the little sticks probably my highlights personally because you can get them just the crunchy noodles can't you you can just go full on yeah yeah yeah and that would be but I do I do love bad ones like I love coated nuts they call them like beer nuts and they're like that crunchy spicy coat on a nut yeah I mean for me beer and nuts is like that's my go to that's the ultimate chips roast the salted nuts is the ultimate chips but yeah those coated ones are pretty good as well I tell you what can fuck off chips wise is when you buy some nuts and you're like I've bought some nuts and then you look and you've bought like a mixed nuts thing and those big weird pieces of corn yeah I hate them leave off you know what I mean like a corn the giant crunchy corn I think I might like those you'd like well come over I've got loads of them I've bought like packets of just those before.

30:53Yeah, greys do them. I get it. No, but they are disappointing. You pop one in, you're looking forward to a cashew or an almond or something. And it's a big bit of corn. Like a baby's tooth is horrible. Oh yeah. And that's admin for me because I have to tip them out on the table and then sort them all out. Do you know, it's funny you mention admin because I'm such a greedy person. I didn't know what else I was going to finish up with. I'm like, read out. I'm such a greedy fat can't. I kind of like admin sometimes, like pistachios. I sometimes think that admin is the only thing stopping me, like, just like, you know what I mean?

31:32But have you seen the pistachios? They now sell pistachios without the shells on. That's decadence. Well, it's so dangerous. Dangerous. Because then I'm done. I'm done, I'm like chugging them. Yeah. So you do need the shells there. That is that barrier in the way of eating the whole bag. Because I'm like, my thumb's hurt now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't be arsed to have any more of these. as a workout.

31:51James Acaster: If you want to stop eating pistachios, you want to watch my dad eating a bag of those on a Saturday afternoon watching Football Focus. He just watches. He eats a bag of pistachios in his bare feet and the bottom of his feet are absolutely rank, man. And they look like the pistachios. Oh. They're green. He's got green feet. Yeah, it's like... Is that Shrek? It's like, you know, the skin of a pistachio, like the red, but the different shades of just everything overlapping. and going, it's like, it's crazy feet, man. Just dried up, horrible feet. How old are your dad's? Yeah. He's in his 60s. He's about to turn 70 actually.

32:30Yeah, that's it. You've done some miles in them feet, haven't you? Yeah,

32:34James Acaster: those feet are rank, man. They'll make you never, ever want pistachios again once you see the combination of that, him eating them with those bare feet out watching football focus. That is, that is almost enough to put me off, but I'm going to go again. Yeah. the thing about the shelled pistachios that takes away the joy of when you are eating pistachios you know when you get one that's not shelled it's like I mean is this what flow state is is this what they're talking about do you know that's a vibe but then you come crashing back down to earth when you get one you can't open yeah it's awful so it's a journey yeah that's zen that is life and look I used to and this probably you know this probably is even more like life when I was younger let's see how much like when I was younger if I got one of those ones you couldn't open I really tried hard to open oh I'd be crunching it with my mouth smashing it taking my shoe off trying to bash it with the sole trying to get it open now just throw it away I mean you need you need Acastasenia's feet on the case yeah that's probably why they like that but that's why they look like that he's opened pistachios with his feet like a big chimp he's been smashing them all like people stomping grapes and making white he's just stomping a big old vat of pistachios in his bare feet cutting them up all the shells just jacking in just cutting up the salt of his feet all the salt going in and he sits there screaming his head off yeah he's a hero I guess he's quite quite an inspiration actually if you're listening dad yeah he doesn't listen to this which is why he just said all that stuff yeah yeah have fun telling him mum have fun relying it to him later on today try to explain this to him in a way that he understands

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37:30James Acaster: your dream starter prawns in garlic butter let's keep it simple man yeah lovely big prawns big yeah big old you know deveined chard and then in the sort of super garlicky butter yeah maybe a couple of tomatoes that have wilted down you know that have really got down in there and this is why I say this might contradict the Papa Dom thing because then you're going to get bred with that Oh, okay, nice. Sounds great. Because you need the bread with that. You need the bread with that. And I love, like, you know, I'm a good cook and I love hosting. I love, if I take my kids out, I always go to an Italian restaurant.

38:08If it's a birthday or a celebration, there's something about them real old school Italian restaurants that really make you feel like you're going out. Yeah. You know, they've not changed the menu in years. The tiramisu's not changed. The candles in one of those bottles of wine with a straw around the bottom. I don't want modernity. And they really look after the kids and it feels like you've gone out. I want to be garlicky up to the eyeballs. And so that garlic prawns is just a joy. And if that's on a starter anywhere, I'm getting that. And then the bread gets involved. And I mean, before I even started the prawns, the bread is in there doing its thing for me to get to.

38:45Because do you know the word tunken? No. We're learning so many words. Is this another one of your family's words? No, well, it is in a way because it's a Hungarian phrase. So my brother is married to a Hungarian woman and they live in Budapest. And I mean, she's an absolute, you know, health freak, like bone broth kind of amazing goddess. But when it comes to bread and tunkan, so tunkan is just the dunking tunkan, you know. So it's a big thing, like it's the stage of the meal. In Hungary, is it called tunkan donuts? Oh, no, no, I don't know. I don't think they'd have such thing. there's shades of communism still there, but the, um, Oh yeah, sorry.

39:25Come on. Get with it. It's used to flop. But,

39:33um, it's, it's such a, such a stage of the mill that almost as important, like almost get that out of the way. So on Christmas Eve, they're all over, but it's like, I did garlic prawns and, and, and mussels and stuff. And then it's just, the bread is the main stage actually. That's where we're in it. You know, if I was watching someone not dip bread in some garlic prawns, or butter or, you know, wine sauce. I'd be like, I'm like, pass this that ear. I'd have no shame. I'd do it on a first date. So, yeah, so it's the prawns, but it's also the power of the tunken that is very, very important. You've got to embrace the power of the tunken.

40:06We went to a vineyard on Lake Balaton in, well, not Budapest, Hungary, it's just outside Budapest, but honestly, the food that they give there, like it's all just like for the dipping, like the bacon and the meats and the oil. He's like, mate. Have you been to, and I've talked about this bread a lot, it's just moved actually, there's a restaurant called Kudu that was in Peckham. No. And it's just moved to Marilabone, I think. Oh, man. Go on.

40:36James Acaster: I can't believe you're about to tell all this because like... This is Ultimate Duncan, isn't it? Yeah, this is... Yeah, go... I'm just too excited for you to say it. The bread, when you order the bread, it's like a brioche. They're baking it fresh. It's incredible. It's not overly sweet either. It's perfect bread. But then they bring with it and you can choose between the two or you can get both. Just a little pan, little cast iron pans of just, one is melted butter and so much of it with bacon and something else in there, some herb. And the other one is like got little shrimp in it and it's like melted shrimp butter.

41:12And it's just so much butter. It's all about the tunkin. Yeah, chicken butter. Yeah. Oh, fucking chicken butter.

41:20James Acaster: Chicken butter. I've not had chicken butter. I don't think so. It's just basically rendered fat and chicken skin. Mate, if I had a tail, I would wag it.

41:31Fucking. This is what I mean about I wish I weren't a foodie. Yeah, but then where are you going to get that joy from? There's something so specific. Oh yeah, like your husband. No, but it's not the same thing, is it? It's not the same thing.

41:49Like the feeling I got when you said, chicken butter is very different to the feeling I get when I think about my wife. They're two different things. They're two different layers of joy. Try harder, bitch. Not what I was saying, darling. She doesn't listen to this. Oh, yeah. James's mum, can you pass on to my wife? Tell me. Tell me how to spell Kudu. K-U-D-U. I didn't even expect that. That is brilliant. All right, so then Kudu in Marylebone and I just ran for the bar. Yeah, I think they're still doing that. I think it's one of their signatures.

42:20James Acaster: I think we went there for, was it our 100th episode? Yeah, we went there to celebrate. We went there for a little celebrate. Yeah. The three of us. Yeah. Ben hated being around us. He loved the meal, but he was really not happy that he had to spend the evening with us. Yeah, yeah. I was smashed before we got there. Ed was smashed. I was very much having a mediate because like, Benito was just so annoyed he was having to hang out with us for the evening. He doesn't like us as people, but we are. He doesn't like us as people. By God, it's Canadian podcast. Yeah.

42:55Your dream main course. Oh, right. I've thought a lot about this because I love a lot of food, right? And I love Caribbean food. There's a lot of food. But I actually want a whole soy roast chicken on just boiled rice.

43:10James Acaster: Lovely. Soy roast? You know, like a soy roast chicken that you'd see hanging in Chinatown where it's poached with the ginger, the spring onion and spices, then coated and slow roasted. For a second, I thought you meant like a fake chicken. No. Can you imagine me vegetarian or someone telling you they're vegetarian? You're like, you've got no skin in the game. I don't care about your opinion on nothing now. Ben. Oh, bless you. Yeah. There he is. There he is sitting there. No, but I like vegetables. But do you do the fake? Do you do fake stuff? He loves the corn roast. He loves it. He just raised his eyebrows twice when he said it.

43:44James Acaster: He said, I love the corn roast. Yeah, he said, literally, no skin in the game. Yeah, but I've been translating because he'll edit himself out otherwise. I have got a sister who's a vegetarian and she always says, I miss the crap meat. Like, I miss hot dog or crap meat. But I have seen her eat the chicken off KFC, like the skin off KFC if she's drunk enough. Yeah, well, that's fine, isn't it? It's just the skin. It's not part of the chicken, is it? Yeah. Like, I can eat my skin if you want. I don't have any problems with that. I think, yeah, so that's, yeah, so it's a soy, you know, when there's a Vietnamese in Dawson that does it really well.

44:15Any place in Chinatown that does it really well. like I like that simple food and I think the reason I really thought about this I really really thought about it I you know the film Blues Brothers when they go in and he says I want two fried whole fried chickens I remember being really young thinking whoa same with the film Emily being like oh like the whole chicken and I think it's because they're the youngest of a lot of kids so there was a phrase my nan used to say was like there's plenty for everyone but you've got to be quick because there was a little bit of like elbows at dawn like you ate for seconds do you know what I mean I mean it's like you know you could get some so I think that's and it's not that there was scarcity there was plenty of it's like everyone's an eater so I think that idea of like a hell roast chicken for little me little Laura Smith's gonna get a whole roast chicken this has slightly been tainted have you watched The Beast in me?

45:03no oh brilliant watch it but um what's the actor in it Matthew it's the Welsh actor who plays an absolute psychopath

45:11James Acaster: I don't know who you mean yeah Rhys yeah Matthew Rhys yeah Welsh name I don't think I'm giving too much away to say he's a psycho but he's also he eats a whole roast chicken while he's very scary attack dogs and it's the most intimidating thing so he kind of in the same way watching your dad eat pistachios might put me off it almost tainted it but yeah so it is that whole roast chicken like the ones that are hanging the windows yeah do you want one from the window? I've always thought I don't want the window meat oh no you don't want the window meat I don't want meat that I don't want a chicken that everyone's been looking at.

45:49Do you know what I mean?

45:50James Acaster: That's what made me laugh saying. Don't want the window, mate. I know, and I get it. Yeah. I don't want one that's been out there, you know. Yeah, I don't want the one. It looks nice. It's a good way of getting me in. But I don't want the one from the window. No, they look like they've been there a while. It's got that glossy sheen, like an old school cake shop in the I Street. Yeah. But I don't, I'm not a duck fan, you see. I think that's an overrated thing. Really? Yeah. There you go. controversial yeah even the crispy duck pancakes you don't like them oh hey real real big that is taking a big percentage of a Chinese order when you're at home squeeze ain't worth the juice sometimes sure sure if I can quote yeah it's taken up a lot of like real estate in the bags yeah when you get the takeaway home so much of it is all the and it's expensive as well that's what I'm saying yeah if you're I've got three kids you're going what half you ain't going half duck are you no no you ain't going half duck you ain't going half and then yeah so yeah I'm not bothered about that I'm not bothered about fancy duck I'm not bothered fancy duck I had a picture of a little bow tie little bow tie fancy duck yeah but a soy roast chicken yeah with a sort of maybe morning glory side if that was going to be the next question you know like the proper good nice yeah Chinese vegetables just simply done load of garlic bit of sesame oil yeah sesame oil so good yeah sesame oil is really nice yeah although I've got a whole bottle of sesame oil at home and you just never use it I bought it for a stir fry because Jamie Oliver said to use it in the book he said get sesame oil for this so I did it the book the book is in the book the book the good book the bible by Jamie Oliver and I did the stir fry and then it was very nice but I've never done it again since and that sesame oil is just there and every now and again, actually this just reminded me, this is such a useful podcast.

47:48James Acaster: I need to buy olive oil.

47:53James Acaster: I've forgotten. The other day, I had to grill an aubergine but using vegetable oil. I'd already done all the prep, cut the aubergine in half, done all that, scored it, went to get my olive oil, the bottle's there, it's empty, and my first instinct was to be like let's start to think my girlfriend's done that and then I remembered doing it it's always going to be the first instinct though yeah first instinct blame mothers blame someone who never does anything wrong to be fair to her yeah and then remember it was me and that when I did it I just went I can't be fucked if I rinse that and sort it out I'll leave it there and when my girlfriend's cooking something next she'll have to deal with it yeah but who was cooking something next James?

48:39James Acaster: I was cooking something next I feel like Davina McCool in Begin Again oh yeah I'm like oh wow you're a bad guy so who roasted an aubergine in vegetable oil I had to do that they taste very nice so like I've got to get that olive oil on the way home today you in a deal? you in a brand deal? no not a brand deal well yeah with my mum I guess with my mum because every time she goes on holiday she brings back because it's normally a bit like Greece or just anywhere. Anywhere seems to make good olive oil in the Mediterranean. Grease makes great olive oil. She'll bring back like a huge tin of it for me.

49:17Oh, that's lovely. And then, I don't know if you're doing this at your house, I'm decanting it into a squeeze bottle by olive oil because it makes you feel like a chef. Look at you.

49:28James Acaster: Does it now? Yeah. So you squeeze it like a... Yeah, you just like... Shoot it out there. Then you have more sort of control over how much you're using as well when you're putting it in the pan or whatever. And if you're drizzling it on stuff, then just to finish it off I actually bought it that time you came over and I made pizzas in the pizza oven great day and then you drizzle a bit of olive oil over the top just gives it that little bite at the end have you thought flavouring as well you could decant into another one with like garlic and chilli and all that yeah but then where does it end Laura I don't know I'll never leave the house do you know what I've done recently go on I've had to ferment my own chilli's garlic and ginger because I go because you know chilli oil so nice like with the proper whatever it's got the rayou sort of madness.

50:09I mean, that is so calorific. It's wild. So I buy the fermented stuff, but that's about eight, nine pound a pot, a little one. And I go through it, you know, that's one sandwich. But then, so then I've had to do it. I've done it myself because I'm like, I've got to go straight to the sauce here. That's brilliant. So you're fermenting, you've got all these jars and you're like fermenting them. No, I've gone high risk, high reward. I've done a kilo, kiln a jar. Amazing. Yeah, yeah. Because if I balls it up, I've really ballsed it up. So there is literally a kilo of chilies, ginger and garlic together with a salt brine.

50:41And I'm just watching it. Do you have to burp it? I'm burping it. What? I'm burping it.

50:46James Acaster: Burping it? Because it bubbles, it could pop, so you open it every day. That's all it is. Yeah. Burp it. You open it every day. Oh, nice. Sigh it, close it. So I'm only four or five days in, but... That's exciting. Oh, thrilling. I'm buzzing for you. That's great. I can't wait to feedback. What are you going to use it all for? Anything. That's the thing. Once you've tasted fermented chili, that fermented chili, there's a, I can't remember the brand, but that's going on everything, mate. That's, I'm not, I can't think, I couldn't name something that I wouldn't put that on. You couldn't. Don't even try.

51:20I'm not even going to try. What I'm doing is I'm thinking about all the things I would put it on. Oh. And it's everything. Everything. Yeah. Everything. Cheese toastie. Are you mad? Scrambled eggs. Are you insane? Poach Simon. Yes. You know, we're going in. I buy, well, actually I've tried to stop buying it now because I just go through it. I'll eat it like a yogurt. Yeah. The Laugan Ma crispy chilli oil. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the best thing in the world. Oh, mate. And that will go on anything. And I saw the other day on Instagram someone putting it on ice cream. I was like, I'm trying that.

51:48Yeah, that's happening. Yeah. Yeah. But it's the classic crispy chilli oil that I like. The one with peanuts is fine, but it just doesn't, it's not as crispy. Yeah. But have you looked at the calorie count? I hate to be this guy. No, no, no. Why would I do that? I know, I know. I'm just going to live in my life here. Yeah, yeah. let me live I've already been on the Victorian I'm today yeah it is oil and when you're eating it like with a spoon you do things yeah probably shouldn't be doing this I'm going 1500 calories a jar yeah yeah in a small jar yeah and we know that my wife put a jar of it in my stocking last year for Christmas that's nice pretty good did it make you hobble when you walked

52:26I'm so sorry

52:33so your dream side is it the morning glory yeah i had it once in china the point of speaking about china's out because you know we gig in town and you're sort of there a lot i feel like i'm there more than i've ever been in my life sometimes you have the most amazing thing that you can't remember where you had it or what you did so yeah it would be just that i once had the most perfect morning glory so it's that one specifically yeah it was just so good so good so you can't remember

52:57James Acaster: the place no not helpful my go-to in chinatown now is cafe tpt tpt's legendary love it so much the hot pots oh yeah go in and get the aubergine and pork hot pot uh so hearty and warming and like it's just like yeah i could get every now and again i'll think about it and then i was like i have to have that soon yeah it's like and i'll just be for days being like when are we going to Chinatown and have that hot pot it is it's like you know Goblin Market or something like yeah I've got to go like there's sometimes you hit on a hot pot and you're like that's what I need when they're like when they're at home hand pulled noodles when you're going that's what you're checking out in Chinatown who's making their own noodles who's making their own dim sum have you been to Heidi Lau?

53:41yeah which is on like Piccadilly Circus basically on Leicester Square it's mad it's mad but we go to the one because my kids love it we go that's another birthday celebration we go to the one at O2 oh right yeah yeah yeah i love it i mean it looks like you go in it's open to like three in the morning i think as well is here yeah the one certainly the one in central is and um they give you like while you're waiting they'll be like you can get your nails done i think while you're waiting no because i'll take my kids when they come and sing with the radio it is proper like what is going on here feels american like they do this big song and they sing in candies then in english amazing they give you in freebies you go with kids like they're getting all toys and freebies it's all the fun of the fair we're ordering more it's hot pot it goes mental the hot pot's amazing though just like i'm just i go to absolute town on that making the little sauce up at the sauce station yeah and then the guy come over and do the noodle dance while he's stretching it but then you want more noodles and he comes back over and now we just go you don't have to do the dance again we've seen the dance yeah and he's like thank you yeah yeah i'd want

54:45James Acaster: it every time yeah every single time when i'm getting the receipt everything yeah

54:54James Acaster: dream drink do you know what I've listened to this and not you know like to me I love a wine right I do love a wine to me if it's a dream restaurant dream drink give me the most expensive wine give me the most expensive red on the menu I want a few hundred quid fifteen hundred you know I would love to know what a two thousand pound what the red wine tastes like. I want to know what that tastes like. Because when I have gone really bougie with wine, you're like, I didn't know red wine could be creamy, like positively creamy, you know, and it's so good. So I would want the most expensive wine you could possibly give me and I don't even know what that is.

55:37But I think that's great because very few people will come in and say that on this podcast and just bring me the most expensive thing on the menu. But I love it. But what I want to do is we'll give you that but also do you want a drink that you definitely know you like because what if we bring the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu and it tastes like shit it's so old because it doesn't mean it's good if it's like two grand I think it does

55:59James Acaster: yeah I think it does you know when people go oh I wish we could get wine reviews next to choices on I'll tell you what the review is you know that ascending scale of cash money that one because even at home you know you start going like I'll do a five six seven pound then you like ten pound but then you like you know like I'd say I'm now in the£30 bracket I want a£30 bottle of Pinot Noir do you know what I mean and then I'm like I wonder what £60 it is getting better let's not get silly I think once you start getting up to those prices like thousands of pounds what you're paying for is the age which I guess would have an impact on the taste but then you're paying for the place where it's made and the name of the place which doesn't necessarily make it better it's a dream restaurant I ain't paying enough yeah I know but I'm saying that it doesn't necessarily make the wine better well do you know a friend of ours Boggle he's Mrs Alex Boggle Boggle yeah all my my husband's from Yorkshire everyone's got a nickname yeah nightmare trying to do wedding invites do you know why he's called Boggle he almost talks the name of my brother but he's in my he's in my brother's band he can barely talk Boggle he's the funniest person you'll ever meet and he sings they do like Crosby Stills and Nash Harmony he's the most beautiful singer bring a tear to your eye when he left when he left to drive back to Northumberland on my wedding I went alright I went have a safe trip he went I won't but what's wrong with ya anyway legend we've all got a nickname but they're all called James yeah yeah so here's Mrs Alex her dad farmer French he passed away suddenly a few years ago but what he used to do and I don't know why he bought an old sort of meat wagon police transport thing where prisoners would be sort of transported and he would drive to vineyards in france that were sort of too small didn't have the sort of um you know like whatever the license to like export license whatever so they would be really niche and he would fill up this van with wine so even though he's passed away you know and not been here for a while it's almost like a little bit of a lottery we've been up there staying at their place in um well they're in yeah I know up north somewhere you know you know and they'll decant a lovely bottle of red and sometimes it is a potluck so you go oh and it's like oh no it's no good the best wine I've ever drunk in my life is there and then we have a little google and it is hundreds of pounds worth you know because it's been there years and it's just a joy that this gift is still given and it's phenomenal and they know the word so that was my first it's like oh this is what a few hundred pounds tastes like And it is unreal, but, you know, and so that's quite a fun thing.

58:47So I think that, yeah, that's... We'll just bring you an outstandingly expensive bottle of red wine. Yeah, I'd love to, out of curiosity. Can you Google the most expensive bottle of wine in the world? Yeah, but you'll just get something that's been sold at an auction that's... That belongs to Bercassos. It's like a Petrus. I mean, like, it's something like a Petrus or a Chateau Lafitte Rothschild or something like that. He's so over it already. He's absolutely over it. He's like... The thing is, how you know is it's just, ends up being like, you know, trainers or watchers, you know, it's supply and demand.

59:16Like, burgundy prices have shot up in the last five years. Doesn't mean that it's any better than it was five years ago. Oh look, he ain't changed. He's still an average guy. He's that guy. I sometimes wonder about, you know, that kind of youth is wasted on the young. These wonderful things, imagine finding that. Imagine getting to the point where it's commonplace, you know, like, or you know, sometimes you think the people that should really appreciate it like they should the people that would really appreciate it could never afford it sometimes do you know what i mean and i i hope you know because obviously i'm going to be like a podcast millionaire and all that so when i'm a podcast i hope i always appreciate it i've started watching this um guy on youtube called vegas wine he's a sommelier in las vegas he's nice amazing guy like really so enthusiastic about wine like genuinely passionate about it is his hobby and he wears like meta glasses when he goes to work so you just see him opening these like wildly expensive old bottles of wine it takes him ages to get the cork out so it's really fun he talks about the wine but his customers are obviously the richest people in las vegas yeah and they couldn't give a shit no of course so he's like describing this wine to them being like this is from 1962 it's the best vintage for this for this area for this great and he's like pouring it for them he's like wow look at that color and they're like, thank you.

1:00:36Oh, wow. Thank you so much. They don't give a shit. It's awful.

1:00:40James Acaster: Then he pushes a Karen into the road. Yeah. It's your favourite kind of YouTube. Have you ever been to Tillingham Wines? Rings a bell, actually. It's great. Tillingham's great. I mean, they've got their own vineyard but that was where we did a taster menu there and my husband was looking for our anniversary. It's really lovely, really off-grid and I loved it. It was like poetic. This girl would like, we'd had wine match of rich course and the way she was describing it and you know, and there was some real sort of nice sort of curveballs in there like there was a really lovely white that had been sort of produced in the same way sherry's sort of produced like letting them almost become currently on the vine but then and it was just like oh I'd love it's something that I would love to be more educated on and I'd love to know more just so I could like patronise people do you know what I mean no but it is nice to know what and why and when you do taste something you can really go oh wow you know I do like I like luxury I like it you know when you're like you know I went to the Versace exhibition the other day and you are just like oh it's breathtakingly brilliant the clothes they are when you up close you're like this is you get I love couture for that you know when you go this is something this is different gravy you know and so are we any closer on that Google in the wine or was he right well this is what I'm talking about this is not what what's the matter it probably tastes like shit it doesn't matter you let him say what's the best one you've ever had then Gamble $558 ,000 what was that that one in Romani Conti that's delicious yeah Patrice I love that one you love that one I love a bit of Fortnum and at least you know it's been stored properly and it's like you know new from a shop six and a half grand thank you very much just that curiosity but in answer to your question if I didn't like that I would have a vodka martini with a twist beautiful that's my favourite like starting off drink well we'll give you one of those when you arrive we can put that at the top of the menu what's it called I forget the word aperitif aperitif there you go That's a pair of teeth.

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1:03:27James Acaster: Your dream dessert. well I love an africato with like something else chucked in that's all fun and games because it sort of sorts you out because I'm not a make sure you write on yeah I'm not a super dessert person but you know what I love like I love for sheer delight a steam jam sponge custard and ice cream oh yeah custard and ice cream track team you must you must respect that much much much respect that I think if there was a family quest that I might have made names Taylor it'd be both both that's the motto how many both both would it have custard and ice cream on the crest or would it just be because both just applies to everything right yeah just both oh everything you said that earlier about the butter at Kudu before you heard what the butters were yeah and said that's true there's two different types you can have both both I hadn't described them yet not waiting could have said one of them's got shit in it both yeah yeah both yeah I'm loving both yeah I don't want to choose but yeah I I love a steamed sponge pudding man and ah yes and it's nostalgia as well that sort of thing isn't it yeah that's I think that's because I'm not a dessert person but I think actually when I was a dessert person that's the nostalgia of childhood and you know my mum can do a steamed sponge I love an old school dessert you know and I love steaming a sponge at home do you want the dream one to be made by your mum um oh no no she's in that weird i'm in my 70s i'll just eat tuna kind of vibe now she's gone off she'll shoot she know she cooks for the dog you know you know what i mean my mum's well off the ball when she throws it down she really throws it down but you ain't getting a steam sponge out of jenny now she's she's busy she's so busy doing fuck all you know what i mean yeah sure sure do you want to maybe your homemade one is that is that yeah yeah is yours no no i I, yeah, no, I'd love to trust someone.

1:05:28Whoever's, yeah, no, I love things. I love elevated things. You know, like it's such a joy when they get it right on, like the Great British Menu, you know, when you really see someone elevate an old school thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get it right. There's nothing better in the world. Yeah. I want it this big, you know.

1:05:46James Acaster: Did you ever see Eddie eating stuff on Great British Menu? I do, that's why. And wish that you could eat it. Yeah, I just wish I could sit next to Andy Oliver and everything. I love her she's the best she's the best I saw her once at M &S and I went oh my god I love you and you know she had that face like not today as in I'm not there but she had a cookery show yonks ago with Naina Cherry do you remember yeah yeah and there was this bit and this is when I fell in love with Andy Oliver I'm going to do these deep cuts is when she went they saw Nigel Slater and they went and they ran after him to tell him they love him and then they were like and I was like yeah that level of fandom of Nigel Slater of Toast Fates because they chose to play a play I thought oh I love Andy Oliver yeah no she's great yeah yeah so yeah I do I do think she can come to your dream meal if you want do you want her do you want her in there well she did a lovely what was the show she did on BBC where they went I think she went to Morocco and went you know there's that kind of hype that I was interested in that oh no no no no I don't think I'd like someone that I'd want to impress at dinner yeah yeah yeah I mean I'd be like oh I've got custard everywhere I'll leave off do you know what I mean like sure yeah so maybe we could get you someone you don't want to impress or don't respect when you said don't want to impress I was about to say my husband and then you went in with don't respect oh no I always just want to be with him I love I love a rare chance that we get to have a dinner together and he is someone that really appreciates stuff like we said about loving food I can't bear cynicism I love people that appreciate things and I love cooking for people that appreciate things i'm like oh my god you know i love you going on a deep dive of what the cauliflower cheese is saying yeah i like i like interested people i like appreciative people my husband is such a fun person to cook for and do anything for because he's a joy do you know what i mean and would he like this menu as much as you did um yeah yeah he would he would he might go for a steak or something but yeah dessert i mean his mum i love his mum his mum is the most phenomenal baker you've ever known in your life and she's very funny frowns and she says i said and i say and anything she cooks okay she goes oh it's easy and that's my northern irish accent and i say you always neglect to mention the 50 years you've been doing it as part of the recipe you know it's just in her bones so i love that sort of cooking where people have just got it in their bones how'd you meet this guy funny enough i met him just before the apps i met him on Guardian Soulmates.

1:08:19Wowee. Nice. Going way back about 13 years and he was so lovely. Yeah. And we just hit it off straight away. It was just easy work. It's just easy work and he's lovely. Yeah, he's lovely. How did Guardian Soulmates work again? Well, it used to be a proper Lonely Hearts in the, I think it was in the guide in one of the insets and then it just became, I don't know if it ever became an app but it was just like an online website and it was just like each other, like each other, then message each other and blah, blah, blah. On the understanding that you both read The Guardian so there won't be any political clashes on the first date.

1:08:53I think there's a bit of that. But I think everything has its own flavour, doesn't it? Like plenty of fish is a hookup or even back then or like, you know, Grindr, Tinder. You know, I think people, there's... But Guardian, something for me, there wasn't a phase in the sort of mid to... What were we saying? I reckon, yeah. When did I meet him? 2011, 2012, which I think... But like probably around 2009 to 2011, there wasn't a marriage that didn't happen because of Guardian Solvice. Everyone's divorced now, but it was like, oh, I'm married. It was like when people got to their mid-30s and went, oh, fuck, I need to do this.

1:09:27So yeah, I think it was for people that were a little bit more kind of like, I mean this sort of thing. But I did hate dating. And like I always say, I almost missed him because we just got along. So I'd be like still dating. I was talking to people going, no, at least I can't meet him. Do you know what I mean?

1:09:44James Acaster: it's funny anyway when you meet the right person and it's just like it's just easy feels too easy and you're going off what was i doing all day all those other people were really nice people why did i put them through that yeah why did i put through all that palaver of trying to make it work but you don't know till you know do you you don't know that your person should feel like home shouldn't just so telling in your personality why did i put them through all that meaning yourself why did I put them through me yeah all that is you all that all that all that stuff I do come on let's try and make our relationship work yeah but you do try don't you yeah yeah you've still got to try you do not me but you don't know until you find your person do you no no no and it's actual peace and home and then still looking forward to seeing them sort of thing I'll read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it yes you would like the Burks of Aberfeldy Springwater Oh yeah Unlimited poppadoms Of all the dips Prawns in garlic butter With bread Which we would call In what again?

1:10:48James Acaster: Tuncun Tuncun Main stage of the meal Whole soy roast chicken On rice For your main course Side dish Morning glory And sesame oil With garlic Drink The most expensive Bottle of red wine On the menu And also a vodka martini With a twist to start As an aperitif Yes Dessert Steamed jam sponge With custard And ice cream Brackets both And you would like An avogato With a little in there as well. How's he written that? He's not written it. I had to do it from memory. So I remember the sound. He's not written it. He doesn't like us. Thank you for letting me have the Afogato as well. Of course. It was both, wasn't it?

1:11:29It's all of them.

1:11:30James Acaster: That's a fantastic thing. I love that. I absolutely love that. I felt like, I didn't want to say at the time so I didn't want to get in your head but I really felt you connected with Laura on so many things more than you have most of the time Ed doesn't approve of a lot of our guests and thinks they're morons I didn't want to put it like that the Greg Davies one was a wild ride don't respect that guy I don't, I want to do Taskmaster oh yeah sorry, Laura really respects Greg that was spot on it was a delicious menu, really respects Greg and looks forward to doing Taskmaster Well, you don't need to do Taskmaster now because you've done the off-menu podcast.

1:12:12Is that how it works? I don't know. Tick, tick, goal. I'm done. I'm like done. I'm happy. Goals met. No other. That's nice. No other worlds to be conquered. That's nice. This is the ideal world people need to conquer. Thank you for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Laura. Thank you, Mr. Campbell. Thank you, Mr. Augusto.

1:12:36There we are, James. A lovely episode with Laura Smith. Lovely meal. Lovely to hear so many stories about Laura's family. She wasn't that eggy or aggy. I thought she was extremely fun and pleasant.

1:12:45James Acaster: Yeah, she wasn't eggy. She wasn't aggy. She was Laura Smith, a fantastic comic. You can go and see her live now with her show, Born Aggie. LauraSmith.com for tickets. That's S-M-Y-T-H. Because I got her. It's so fun to say because I got her. Ed, I hope you're doing well. I'm right here. Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought I was doing a little shout out to you. James can't handle this being on video to the extent that he doesn't know if I'm here or in the camera. I guess it's to your future you watching. I assume at some point you're just going to be sat in your home, an old man in your old smoking jacket.

1:13:26Watching this.

1:13:28James Acaster: Yeah, just watching this. Watching all of your glory days, your salad days. I'll be like, I'll say I hope you're doing well. and you'll be like thank you James thank you James and then I'll pat a jar and it pans out and your brain in a jar oh it's my brain in the jar I thought it was going to be like an urn with my ashes no no no it's the future man yeah yeah like Futurama yeah hello Laura as well if you're listening oh hi Laura you didn't say Eggie Bread so thanks for that thanks for not saying Eggie Bread although it would have been fun because born Aggie and Eggie sound the same have a great tour it's going to be so funny say hi to all the off-menu fans for us.

1:14:06James Acaster: Enjoy the event in Apollo. Enjoy the Apollo. Huge gig. And I guess hello to Benito if you're listening, watching. Oh no, then you see I've got another jar on the side and it's Benito's Winky in a jar. Yeah. That's the one big jar.

1:14:25I'm on tour next year. That's 2027 depending on when you're watching this. My show Fresh Hell starts in January 2027. edgamble.co.uk for tickets great my tour's finished

1:14:41James Acaster: everyone leave me alone I guess is that to us as well? I wish bye

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