Lucia Keskin (Chi With A C)

0:12Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the all brown of conversation, putting it in the bowl of the internet and pouring over the ice cold milk of humour. James, you look really sad about that one. It's the Off-Many podcast, by the way. Are you all right, mate? It's a bowl of cereal. It's a bowl of cereal. I panicked. Yeah. But at least it makes sense. Sometimes I panic and it doesn't make any sense or it gets too complicated. Yeah. And you've definitely not done it before. No, I've not done all brand. Are you in an all brand phase at the minute? Is that what you're eating at home? No, I'm not.

0:38No, I'm never really in an all brand phase. But I do like the idea of ice cold milk being poured onto all brand. I want to watch that. I don't want to eat it. yeah yeah all burns disgusting yes that is it gamble my name is james acaster together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest we ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is lucia keskin lucia is absolutely brilliant uh you might know her from her instagram presence uh chi with a c and she's very very funny on that i would highly recommend uh looking up a video which is not like her normal videos, but she went to one of those indoor skydiving experiences and it went wrong.

1:16And it's probably the thing that's made me laugh the most in the last 10 years. She's also a brilliant actor and writer and comic. And she has an amazing show, which is available on BBC iPlayer called Things You Should Have Done, which is absolutely brilliant. Yeah. I mean, very excited. Never met Lucia before. Big fan of her stuff. I can't wait for you to meet her. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, are you sure you've never met her before? because we've had this before, haven't we James, where you've said you've never met someone before and you say on the podcast you've never met them before and then they say yes we have met before.

1:48And it turns out that you have met and there was an incident when you met and you've just wiped it from your brain. I can't be keeping up with all the incidents. There's too many incidents. You're an incident magnet. Yeah, and I can't help that. No, I think you can't help that, the original incident, but I think the way you react to every incident creates more of an incident. you're quite Larry David yeah I don't mask my feelings very well because sometimes I like when I'm watching Curb I'm like I can't believe all this stuff's happening to Larry and I'm annoyed with the other people for what they do yes but then he never reacts to it right and I think that's you yeah if someone starts a fire I tend to fan the flames fan the flames yeah yeah yeah don't really put it out or yeah I would never use the phrase water off a duck's back to describe anything that you've ever done no no more, I don't know, water on a man's back.

2:44The man complains about having a wet back. Yeah. Gets really angry about having a wet back, yeah. Yeah. But we're looking forward to talking to Lucia. Of course, there is a secret ingredient that if she says it, we will kick her out the restaurant. And I thought this week, James, it would be, you know, when you get a bit of fake grass in sushi, in a sushi box, they use it to separate out the sushi bits? Yeah. Sure, I've had that in my mouth before by accident. fake sushi grass fake sushi grass yeah yeah I mean is it technically an ingredient I've accidentally eaten it once so yes and it's it's food adjacent it's food what literally yeah it's literally food adjacent it's in the box yeah you're never happy to see it no it's not not the same colour as the seaweed that's wrapping the sushi yeah you know it's blending in a little bit isn't it so it's like they're tricking you yeah I don't I just don't really get when I think of fish I don't think of grass that's a really good point yeah make it fake water fish shouldn't be anywhere near grass should it fake water for duck's back yeah looking forward to speaking to Lucia I hope she doesn't say the secret ingredient because I want to have the whole conversation with her James yes that would be nice but let's see what happens as we dive into the off menu menu Lucia Kaskin Lucia Kaskin that was good James thank you well done you man

4:09Welcome, Luchia, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Luchia Teskin, to the Dream Restaurant. We're here spending you for some time. How long? 23 years. Wow. That's good. Did I get that right? Yeah. That's your age. That's my age, yeah. Imagine if we'd been waiting here since you were born. It'd be so boring, wouldn't it? It'd be weird as well if we were like, we want to do a podcast with that baby that's just been born, but we should wait for 23 years. That's how we do it. Yeah. We go around the hospitals and maternity wards and we go, that one. Yeah. We want to know, we're expecting them.

4:42Yeah, that's good. Yeah. So you're one of the chosen babies. Welcome. Thank you. We were actually waiting for about an hour, but you were here bang on time, but we had a bit of time and we let you know that we'd played Jenga. Yeah, Jenga. Yeah. I'm waiting for you. And you revealed that you weren't familiar with Big Jenga. No. Well, I mean, it didn't take long to, you know, get it around with my head. but I'd just not I'd just not played either but it sounds fun yeah I have fond memories of big Jenga it's less tense than normal sized Jenga I would say do you have to wear knee pads? for the big one I think if you're playing it often you should do how high does it go?

5:24I'd say it comes up maybe chest height if you're stood up is it soft play or? it's more soft play because when you said knee pads I was worrying that you were imagining big, hard wooden, yeah, like big blanks, yeah. So, I mean, if you think, you know, it needs to be realistic. Yeah. Yeah, it should be wooden, really. But I guess you're asking for trouble if that falls on you. I love tiny things. Yeah. Don't you? I'd like to see a miniature Jenga. I love tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny things. Can you talk us through some of the tiny things you like? Just tiny versions of things, like things you can do with your fingers.

6:02So the other day I bought this set of, it was like a tiramisu, but it was just tiny. Do you get what I mean? No. So it was like a little model of a tiramisu? Yeah, you put the base, you fill it up with the cream, and then there's a tiny spoon, it's a tiny tiramisu. It's not edible, but it's just lovely. But you are filling it up with the cream? Yeah, but it's like, what's that stuff? Resin. Right, okay. So you're making a little... It's not horrible. What? Why were you doing it? What's the idea? I just love tiny things. Yeah. I think she's been very clear about that. That's clear. Yeah. What's the purpose of it when people are...

6:49So you can just buy a tiny tiramisu? Well, it was sort of a tiny make-your-own-food. And then... But I mean, I agree. Once you've made it, I didn't really have anything. Couldn't eat it. I threw it away. You threw it away? Eventually. It wasn't something you can display. It didn't even look like a tiramisu in the end. It was white and had raspberries on top of it. Yeah, it's not a tiramisu. No. That's what I thought. Was it like a workshop of make your own tiny food? I just found it in the kids section in Sainsbury's. And just the tiramisu, it wasn't like... Well, I've got another one, but it's one of them.

7:21You have to open it. You don't know what you're going to get to make. A blind box. Yeah, so I don't know what the other one is. I've not done that one yet. Yeah. So what do you like about tiny things? What is it that makes you see... I like, well, when they're detailed, they have to be detailed. If it's, you know, not got the, I just love it. It makes me feel massive. Yeah. I just love it. So like when you were a kid, were you into like Sylvainian families or like little like doll furniture and all of that stuff? Weirdly, not doll houses. Yeah. But I loved small, I loved to collect figurines. Yeah.

7:55So like puppy in my pocket, pony in my pocket. Yeah. A kitten in my pocket Yeah I don't think I'm aware of How many pockets did you have? Not enough But I used to You know Trade them around the playground Getting a lot of arguments Really? Ah So in terms of people being like I'm not swapping you out for that Well no It was more sort of You know I'll trade you this kangaroo For a panda And then Getting the regret later on And you know Saying well I want to Trying to swap back I tried to swap back and it's just not going well. That's the big one. And then them getting just, it ultimately ending and just the banning of them in school.

8:35Yeah. Oh, really? Because it got so toxic. Yeah, it was so toxic. It's always heading towards that. It was pogs in my day. Pogs. Yeah. Do you want pogs, though? No. Like a pig?

8:51Hugely respect that there was a moment there where you thought, I might try and guess what a pog is. Yeah. it sounds like a baby pig a pig in your pocket yeah a pig in your pocket yeah yeah you wish no it wasn't a it wasn't a tiny animal in any way no they were discs plastic discs and you got them actually were they paper it might have been cardboard but the the one you used was plastic right you put them in a pile and you have to throw a plastic disc on top and try and flip them over and if you flip them over you win them they didn't have faces they didn't have some of them have faces stuff designs on them so you collect them Did you ever used to have them tiny skateboards?

9:29Yes. Oh, they were great. I'm familiar with those. I mean, that's absolutely. Little finger skateboards. That's playing into your absolute hobbies, isn't it? Exactly. Yeah. Tiny stuff. Did you put like the tiny kangaroo on the tiny skateboard and stuff like that? I don't think I ever merged the two because I think I could only have one at the time. Like if I had skateboards, I'd have traded away all my pony animal in my pockets. whereas if I had that I wouldn't have had time for the skateboards as well So you never had both Not at the same time, no It would be like maybe a slight crossover of I'm moving into tiny skateboards but it was never a I'm going to have a day of finger skating today or juggle my pocket tomorrow And you would have the regret you would swap for someone to have the regret and try and get your stuff back Can we hear what that would sound like if I was to say Ed Ed's traded with you earlier in the day and now it's like lunch break So you've given away your kangaroo and I've given you a tiny cow or something Yeah, I'd say Do you think I could maybe have the kangaroo back?

10:34No, we swapped it earlier I gave you my tiny cow Well, it's just it was mine first Yeah, but we had an agreement It was the traditional barter that we swapped and now the kangaroo's mine and the cow's yours I just feel very sad now. Yeah. It doesn't feel as toxic as you made it out. I think it was, you know, it was, you know, I'm going to have to take this further. And then you physically attack them. Would you then go to the teacher and tell them, the person, be like, they won't give them my kangaroo. I'd go home and I'd say, mum, or I'd go home and I wouldn't talk. I'd be crying, you know, for days.

11:11My mum would say, what is it? You're being bullied. And I'd have to say, you know, it's just this kangaroo. it's not here I used to get very attached to objects when they weren't you know if they weren't missing or if they weren't within my family I had no siblings or dad so you'd attack almost the kangaroo would be things like that yeah it would be even like bouncy balls if I'd lose it I'd get very upset I thought everything had feelings oh so you thought the bouncy ball might have you'd just you'd open your heart to too many things I mean I get that, I mean my wife now she'll buy like a biscuit with like a lovely design on it of like a cat's face or something and I go don't do that because you're never going to eat it, it's going to sit in the cupboard until eventually I think you've forgotten about it and then I'll throw it away I've got one of them someone from Geordie Shore's face on it I don't know who but I can't eat it it feels cruel but you don't even know which cast member of Geordie Shore it is I think it's Nathan no yeah but it just feels cruel doesn't it can you buy these in shops where you I think I got it somewhere my friend went to an event and I went for the goodie bag and I got this cookie but you didn't bring yourself to eat it I didn't bring myself to eat it no and you still got it yeah found it the other day what if And this will probably happen at some point.

12:45Someone makes you a biscuit or a cake that's got your face on it. Oh, that's fine. I can have that. Yeah. It's not affecting anyone else, is it? Yeah, yeah. And I give, you know, permission for other people. Oh, so you're waiting for Nathan from Geordie Shore to grant you his permission? Yeah. Yeah. If he's listening. But I didn't want to say anything. Yeah. Well, it's a good platform for you. Yeah. Do you want to say a message to him now? Could you? Well, it's better coming from you. Yeah. Because you've got the biscuit and you'd like to eat it. Yeah, I just, if, I mean, I can, the trouble is I'm not, I can find other biscuits.

13:23So that's the issue. Like I'm not. You're not desperate to eat the biscuit. I'm not desperate. Like I could just, so I'm happy with how it is. Yeah. You quite like. I don't mind, you know, not making a statement to him. Yeah. You know.

13:35We always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Oh, still. Yeah. But I have learnt to like sparkling. Yeah. You've taught yourself. You've actively had to teach yourself. Just because everyone sort of in entertainment drinks sparkling water. They only have sparkling water. A lot of middle-aged men in their cupboards or mini fridges, it's just sparkling water, so you have to drink it. Well, there's nothing else. I don't feel like... Have you not had that? Well, I think that I work in entertainment, but I've never seen these mini fridges of sparkling water that you're talking about.

14:09We very rarely get access to a middle-aged man's mini fridge. But I guess, like, times have changed, you know. You're a YouTube sensation and have a hit sitcom. So maybe that's different now. You're getting access to different rooms. I mean, it's probably one middle-aged man that I just repetitively see. So you've been forced to drink sparkling water out of necessity. And just people that I've met in TV do seem to have a, you know, accustomed to sparkling water. It's always a baller move when you're at lunch with someone and they go straight in with sparkling. Yeah, I won't shut someone down and say, if I'm with someone and they say still sparkling, I'll let them say and I'll go with either.

14:52Not too, you know, precious about it. But I do prefer still if I am, you know, gasping. You were saying before we started recording as well that you think this is the first time you've ever agreed to a hot drink. Yeah. In your life? Well, not with a relative. I've agreed to plenty of them. Yeah. But, you know, in the entertainment world. So Benito offered it to you, who's not a relative for the record? Yeah, and I just thought, you're not going to think anything bad of me, are you? But you know no one would. No, you just don't want to, you know, take the piss. Yeah. So normally when people go...

15:32You know, like when you're doing something. can I get you anything honestly you sit back I'm fine yeah usually yeah but in your head you're thinking I want to tea so badly I'm starving yeah yeah yeah but how is this tea it's lovely it's really nice actually it's like it's lovely to you know experience doing this with you guys oh yeah yeah with tea yeah lovely poplums or bread poplums or bread the chair caskin poplums or bread oh both I've never ordered just one of you? Yeah. Oh. Because I like both. But I mean, I feel like bread fills you up more. Yeah. Poppadoms, I could just keep going. So I usually get a bit of bread and then the, you know, sheets of poppadoms.

16:20When you say sheets. Well, they're always in sheets, aren't they? You don't get mini poppadoms nowadays unless you're in a supermarket. But I would never say sheets. No? No. I think that's what's throwing me as sheets, because they are round. Still sheets though, aren't they? You get sheets of round. Are they though? Do you get sheets of round? I've got sheets of round, yeah. You've got sheets of round? So for instance, on your bed at home, you've got a round sheet. Yeah, I've got a round blanket. That's a blanket. Yeah, it's still a sheet, isn't it? Anything that's large and thin is a sheet. Well, that's not true at all.

16:56Do you not think? No. No. You know, I don't think you believe that. I do, you get sheets of everything. get lots of you know types of sheets talk us through them sheets of people a large and thin person tall and thin yeah yeah steven merchant would you say he's a sheet of a man yeah and if you got you know steven merchant with another tall person yeah that's a that's a sheet of people isn't it oh that's so they individually are not sheets they has it's a collective I suppose you can't say it's a shit of a pot. Well, I think you can have it collectively and you can also get just not even just people, just thin, you know, slices.

17:40Thin slices. It's a sheet, isn't it? Well, I can see if it was, I mean, like with smoked salmon. It's a slice of salmon. Sheet of salmon. Sheet of salmon, yeah, okay. I can say that. Yeah, I reckon sheet of salmon, I'm fine with that. You wouldn't say sheet of ham, would you? Yeah. You would? Yeah. I think it's the circular thing that's throwing us off you don't like circular things as a sheet no we like circular things you just like squares for sheets yeah on my bed I wouldn't have a round sheet but then we're back to the whole thing of you saying that a blanket's a sheet which I do disagree with not as a blanket so if someone was making you a ham sandwich how many sheets would you have yeah would you say two sheets please yeah Yeah.

18:26But how would they know if you're referring to the ham or the bread? Because you're saying bread sheets as well. I'd say two sheets of ham, two sheets of bread. I think bread is too thick, but I think the sheets of ham... Yeah, I mean, bread is pushing it a bit. I think you're right. But it's still thin in comparison to, let's say, a fridge. Yeah, bread is thin in comparison to a fridge. Yeah, something like that. You'd never say a sheet of fridge. You'd never see a sheet of fridge. No, you'd never have a sheet of fridge. I think sheet of ham is right I think that might be technically right Oh definitely Slice is what most people say It's just like a different word for it isn't it But a sheet of poppadom See I saw a doubt flicker in your eyes there Where you heard sheet of poppadom And you went actually That's not right No I think it sounds right I was just thinking about how they come I mean we could for your dream meal If you want it to truly be a sheet we could bring you one the size of like a bed sheet.

19:24Like a bed sheet poppadom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. We could do that. I mean, I'm not massive on poppadoms. No, I don't really like them. I just, you know, if I'm having Indian, I will get them as well as bread. A couple of sheets. And you'll have naan. Yeah. Is this what you want for this meal? Naan? Not particularly, but, you know, I would get both if I had to choose. But for the dream meal, we will bring you a couple of sheets of poppadoms. Lovely. But what bread do you want with your dream meal? What's your dream bread? I love garlic bread, but sometimes it's just a bit too much. Garlic, you know, just like a tiger bread.

20:02Any bread. I don't think you can go wrong with bread. I really enjoy all sorts. I've never sort of said no to bread. Interesting. So it's the opposite of the hot drink. Well, no one's ever really offered me bread on set. No. Okay, here you go. Can I get you some bread? yeah I think if I don't think I would be able to say I mean I probably would say no you you know you get that you enjoy it yourself but but no no one's ever offered me bread love the idea of a runner working on your show do you want some bread some loaves you go no no no you enjoy it yourself and they're like having to eat bread for the 50th time that day crying in the corner yeah that was horrible swapping a small kangaroo with me yeah I'm not keen on rye is that the one that is like a darker sort of bread yeah wholemeal I'm not keen on wholemeal but I mean again I would if there was nothing else I would eat it but this I mean this is a podcast format where we're going to have to force you to advocate for yourself and say exactly what you want yeah well I mean I think probably of all the breads garlic bread's probably the one I'd pick now let's get into the nitty gritty garlic bread wise okay a long baguette like you might get from the supermarket no absolutely not a mattress no it has to be well I mean again I would have it but it's not what I'd choose at all a long baguette because you can get them I mean some of them you find them for 20 pence I don't want garlic bread that costs 20 pence no don't trust it no it's more so the fact that I wouldn't trust the one that's then£1.60 that's the same oh interesting so it's the other way around you think you're actually being ripped off yeah what are you doing that's different yeah what on earth are you doing that's different to both of these baguettes but that stops you getting the 20 pence one no I won't get either are we all just saying pence now I don't like the baguettes I think we can say pence I mean the sheets thing was worth discussing I think pence I know that pence is the but like I just haven't heard anyone say it in full for years it's going 20p or 50p I was born in the 1800s you're both saying 20 pence 20 pence well I was just going with what she was saying yes but also I understood that pence is fine yeah Yeah, it's fine, but it's crazy to me.

22:19You're both saying it. What would you say? Like P? 20 P. 20 P baguette. That doesn't sound right to me. 20 P garlic bread. 20 P. That garlic bread is 20 pence. I can't do it. It's too youthful. So what's the dream garlic bread then? I think ciabatta always goes down well, because it's just a nice sort of texture. It's round. It's got a good bite to it. It's round. How much is it spending on that? It's usually quite expensive, but I don't mind. Because they don't give you hundreds. They don't give you loads. whereas the baguette is just slice after slice after slice. It is, and quite often in the supermarket, they sell two in one packet.

22:52Yeah, and I can't, one's going off. Yeah. Sat there next to the Nathan biscuit. Exactly. And then it just, everything just smells of garlic. Is that why you haven't eaten the Nathan biscuit? Well, I've not put in with the garlic bread. But I just can't get, I can't get on board with the baguettes of garlic bread. Is this from a particular... I don't mind this when they're sort of, you know, like that. cut that way do you know what I mean you know when they cut sort of like that actually I don't so for the for the listener oh yeah sorry you put your fingers together in a circle and you held them I guess parallel to the floor and you went I don't like them like this and then you went vertical with it and went I like them like that it's the same it's the same shape but you've got like you know I suppose they cut I don't know how they cut them differently I suppose a baguette they cut from the height they cut it in the height levels a good a good garlic bread baguette I'd say is diagonally yeah sorry diagonally and not all the way down that's what I meant diagonal that's what I like diagonal that's what I thought to say I've never seen a garlic bread cut diagonally not like fully like from one corner I know what you mean it's like the corners are sort of like a slick taper edge yeah so the individual slices when you get individual slices like at Pizza Hut they're sort of cut diagonally yeah what do you think about Pizza Hut Pizza garlic bread I like Pizza Hut garlic bread From the buffet?

24:13Yeah, from the buffet. Yeah, that's really good actually. Your dream starter? I don't like starters. Cool. Because I just get full up. Yeah. Well, we don't need to bother with them. No. I don't think we do need to bother with it. Do you like starters? Yeah, they're my favourite. What do you get? Well, it depends what's on offer. Oh, nice. Give a better answer than that. Yeah, you know, there's many things you can get for starters. It's true. You've seen them. It's not like you don't know what they are. I've had them before in the past. Yeah. But they just never... Only if I'm starving. Yeah. But then I just won't eat my main.

24:50Really? Yeah. I'll eat a bit and then I'll go and fill up because I've had a starter. Wow. How big is a starter? Just a little. Are you filled up on that? Well, I mean... You like small things. You should love a starter. Yeah, no, I love... Yeah, actually, this is... They're not often small, are they? They're not, you know... They're not small versions of food. they're just less things of it. But this is the dream restaurant. Yeah. So in the dream restaurant. I'd get, you know, a tiny, a tiny, no, like two pound size of... Two quid. Yeah, but put together. I'm trying to think of, there's no coin that's that size.

25:28You get what I mean? Like if you blended two pound coins. Oh, you want two pound coins, not a two pound coin. You know two pound coins? Yeah, two pound coins, yeah. so are you talking about two one pound coins no no no you know two pound coins yeah the bigger ones two of them two two pound coins yeah but if they were together like say what size say like something that size so I guess a four pound coin if you can picture it like if they existed they'd probably be around that size one day so that size is small enough that'd be a great size starter of say maybe pasta £4 worth of pasta hang on £4 coin not weight in like a bowl yeah or a plate yeah but as long as it's the size of a £4 coin yeah if it's you know if it's in the dream world yeah do you want it to look like a little bowl of pasta with like a tiny fork in it and stuff yeah yeah tiny what sort of pasta what sort of pasta do you want I don't think we need to know that I want to know yeah it will have to be a different pasta to what to what I'd have in my main so you have a pasta for your round spoiler alert yeah sorry you you

26:51could have had anything a small version of anything for your starter yeah only thing you can think of as pasta so it's going to be a different type of pasta to your main now yeah we can come back to it then well you can choose what your starter pasta is maybe like a tomato based starter pasta yeah and like what kind of pasta spaghetti spaghetti tomato based spaghetti little tiny meatballs no meat no meat just like basil the tomatoes and yes I love basil I was thinking more of the impact of it being tiny because I think little meatballs on top yeah really make it come alive when it's tiny right yeah I don't mind it I just I think it's just when it's that small yeah why kill an animal well I wasn't imagining that they killed it and then just took two meatballs worth and then just like threw it in the bin yeah I suppose like you did with a tiramisu yeah what if they killed it like an animal in your pocket that's alright for the meatballs yeah yeah can't trade that back no it'd be awful if you traded oh it'd be I'd feel awful yeah yeah they'd have a right to complain then yeah if you gave someone a if they say sorry I can't swap it back because it's a little plate of meatballs now

28:19your dream main course? um pasta I love pasta yeah that's sort of my main sort of meal. How often are you eating pasta? Four times, five times a week. Wow. I just can't think of anything else. Ever. I don't know how anyone does. In terms of food? Yeah. Yeah. Meals. Yeah. It's so debilitating thinking of a new meal every day. Yeah. So it's just pasta. And you can get it and it's dry. Mm-hmm. It doesn't go off. Yeah. You just have to, you know, put it on the boil. So you're having this four or five times a week? Yeah. Have you thought about trying to maybe introduce one new meal into the rotation?

29:05Well, I did different types of pasta. Yeah. That's not what I meant, I don't think. You mean just like not pasta? Yeah.

29:14Yeah. Well, the issue is I don't, I don't, I'm not massive. I don't love meat. But I do eat chicken. But I feel bad. So the only thing I can think of that's not meat is pasta. because otherwise it's just what else is there that's not meat it's meat or pasta all the other carbs i guess i've had you know chicken stuff it's always pasta or chicken stuff like in a wrap or in a ciabatta yeah you like those yeah so when it came to choosing your dream menu did you just do all the foods that you could actually think of i think i just would go with pasta just because I do like it. Like it's not even that I can think of it.

29:58It's just what I like and it's just a coincidence that I can't think of anything else. Yeah. Like what meals are you doing every day? Now listen, it's been well documented on this podcast that I went through a pasta four nights a week phase. Oh really? You know, so I can't. When you get stuck in a loop I can't make fun of you for this. So what have you had this week for dinner? Yeah, I'm away on tour, so I'm eating a lot of Nando's, to be honest. So I'm stuck in a Nando's loop. Oh, God. A Nando's loop. A poke bowl yesterday? Yeah, I can't do that. I've tried that. Yeah. I don't understand. What don't you understand?

30:35I just don't get it. There's too many things happening. What is it? Like a long, flat peas.

30:44They throw them in, don't they? Long, flat peas? Sheet of peas. You know, they're like this. They look like, you know, they're like a pea, plus size. Edamame. And flat. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. That's what Ed calls his mum. Edamame. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I'm not into them, but they, when you have a pokeball, that's all it is. Edamame. And it's not, I mean, there is a lot going on in them, but you can like build your own. You can put in what you like. It's just rice though, isn't it? Rice. Some of it's rice. then peas yeah fish and then oh see fish I hate fish right can't bear fish tofu what's that what tofu are you asking because you haven't heard of it I've never had it you've never heard of it I've heard of it I don't know what it is I definitely didn't think it belonged in a poke a poke bowl

31:41what was interesting about your reaction to hearing about tofu was you said tofu what's that as if you'd never heard of it before. It was like you'd never heard of it. I've heard of it, but I'm still yet to know what it is other than white chunks. Yeah, well, it definitely is white chunks. What's the thing exactly? Soy. Soy. What's soy? Like a bean? Yeah. It's just like a bean. It's another bean, really. It's just a bean. I don't want it. I don't want that. Do you not like things mixed up? Yeah. It depends what it is. Yeah. Give me an example. Of other things in the poke bowl? things that are mixed up what like say rice and then beans a burrito I don't like burritos I've tried them but I just don't trust them as much as fajitas because why is there baked beans in them oh there's not no I wouldn't say without the sauce I wouldn't beans yeah do you know what I genuinely think I'm having a very good time for this podcast just to anyone who's listening to it in the future I honestly think this is a grower this episode and that if you re-listen to it you'll enjoy it more every time you listen to this episode so even if you're sitting there and you're getting frustrated with the three of us I think give it another listen it's like any number of albums.

33:16Trout Mars replica. Jesus. So there's not baked beans I would say. Beans, yeah. I don't like... And there's not sort of a room for the wrap. It's all just, it's tiny little, tiny little layer of wrap and then just all filling. A lot of filling. So much in it. They're very heavy when you get them as well. I can't even fit it in. You have to take too big of a bite. Yeah, it's just when you get cold sores and everything. I'm eating burritos you know cracking the sides of your mouth oh wow so you when you get a burrito are you trying to fit the whole thing in your mouth how else are you supposed to take a bite out the side or the corner yeah yeah yeah but you're not going you're not trying to get the whole no no just because you said that you're cracking the sides of your mouth trying to eat a burrito just because they're so like tall yeah yeah they're tall they are tall they're wrapped in sheets though well I like the tinfoil I love food wrapped in tinfoil do you yeah it just always tastes nice like when you go to like Five Guys and you get a burger and it's wrapped in tinfoil you just think oh it's going to be nicer because it's in tinfoil you never think of that when you're having your food together well I have that because it's just down the road Five Guys burger it is exciting getting something in tinfoil because it's warm as well not enough, you don't get enough stuff in tinfoil I don't want cling film though I don't like it it's just not as appetising if you get a burger wrapped in cling film oh forget it This looks like a sandwich, doesn't it?

34:46When have you ever had a burger wrapped in cling film? I haven't. No. Please, yeah. If I, yeah, I just prefer tin foil. For example. Yeah. Yeah. But cling film's great for, you know, things that you've opened. You want to keep them, you know, sealed shut. Yeah. It is good for that. I wrap people's presents in tin foil sometimes. Do you? Yeah, just because if I'm in a panic and I'm in a rush. Do you? Yeah. I don't know that. you don't need any sellotape do you? no exactly I actually had a business idea which we might need to edit out because it's really good I haven't heard this yet but we don't need to edit this out like wrapping paper on the outside but it's got tin foil on the inside so you can use it for both the kitchen and you can wrap any present in it and just fold it over, tuck it in and then you don't need to do sellotape and also it adheres to the present more so you don't need to work out.

35:40Oh, so it's not for like both kitchen and floor? No, because it would have paper on the outside so I wouldn't heat it up. It's mainly for wrapping. What's the... Why would it need to be tinfoil? Because that's why it's so good at... You can fold it over. Oh, bendable. And you can just wrap a present in on the adverts I'm going to say like five seconds. Yeah. For even big presents. I suppose, yeah. You can cut all that out. You could even get just, you know, the tinfoil. But not make it silver. Make it red. Yeah, that's quite good. But I just think you want the different designs on it. You want to make it look like paper.

36:17Yeah. Because in my experience, when you give someone a present wrapped in tinfoil, they're not that happy with it. But have you ever given someone a present wrapped in red tinfoil? No, don't know where to find it. Exactly. I wouldn't know. It'd be cheaper though, wouldn't it, than doing paper and tinfoil? Yeah, but it's my business. I don't want it to be cheaper. What if the tinfoil itself has had a design on it? Can you not do that? No, because then that's still tinfoil. It needs to look like paper. But what if it was like shiny wrapping paper? It's got red stars on it. And like if it's gold with red stars on it.

36:45A couple of scientists. And that's what the tinfoil is. No, I just know. And then you wrap it up in that. There's paper on the outside and tinfoil on the inside. Is that even possible scientifically? Yeah. But bubble wrap. Bubble wrap. Yeah. Do you like that? Yeah. I love bubble wrap. You don't use it enough for food though, do we? No, we should do though. What? Why should we? It's fun. Yeah. It's going to be part of your business venture as well. You add this to it. Yeah, bubble wrap. Wrapping food in bubble wrap. Bubble wrap, sandwich wrap. What would need it? An egg, I guess. Yeah. Or when you order, say, a frappe.

37:20You know, and it comes sort of everywhere. What? You know when you order like a frappe? Yeah. Or something that's got whipped cream on it. Yeah. And it arrives and it's all over the place. Yeah. I don't like the tinfoil all round it. Have you ever ordered a drink on like a delivery service? oh yeah cling film sometimes they cling film to the point where there's no entrance yeah bubble wrap would be a better option surely because you can just give it a little tape and then it's easy yeah one shake definitely for the deliveries they should yeah there's no heart it won't get heart yeah now listen Ben is annoyed that we've only got pasta for your main written down we'd like some specifics Yeah, yeah, yeah.

38:06Oh, man. We went off and waited on a tangent if you've actually got more. It would be boiled rigatoni. Boiled, specifically. Yeah. Classic kind of new pasta. Yeah, I love the fat tubes pasta. So there's the rigatoni one or the one that's even larger. And the one that's even wider. I don't know what it's called. Like cannelloni. The big Jenga of the rigatoni world. I suppose it is cannelloni. But I don't know if I want it that big because that's huge. That's huge. that's like addition so you'd only have like four of those or three of those what currency would that be that's an eight pound coin yeah at least yeah definitely and then red onion yeah with garlic tomato paste double cream vodka just cook it yeah vodka would be a good time oh and cheese obviously yeah parmesan how much parmesan um oh it needs to have a lot of chilli flakes in it as well yeah and just all the spices.

39:06All the spices? Like, you know, chilli flakes? Yeah. All of them. Hang on. Because you said chilli flakes, we were like, yeah, tick. And then you said all the spices. Yeah, I just meant like of the chilli flakes. Each individual chilli flakes. Yeah. And that's something that you do at home. You do this. You do the vodka with Vigatoni at home. Yeah. I've only just started putting the vodka in it and the chilli flakes. I used to just do the tomato paste, the cream and the cheese. But now it's like tastes of stuff. Yeah. That is good when you find that out. Yeah. Yeah. I used to be a bit scared of spice, but now it's quite, you know, it gives you something to do.

39:47It gives you something. It's nice to feel something. Especially if you've got, you know, blocked up nose or something. Yeah. Do you want, in your dream meal, do you want to have a blocked up nose when you arrive? Not like a full one. No. Like sort of, you know, and it's like, you know that it's fixable. Yeah. But that relief. Yeah, it would be great. Of suddenly having a clear nose. Is this like my last meal? No. No. Oh, it's just a dream meal? Yeah. Yeah, might as well have a blocked up nose. If it's your last meal, you don't want a blocked up nose. I wouldn't really want to go that way. No. No.

40:26Well, although it would sort of, you know, take your mind off. it would make you think well I might as well go really? because I've got a blocked up nose it's just another thing another reason to you know end yeah so it's not that the blocked up nose is the reason why you're like no you just think well I'm on my way out this is my last meal so and I've got a blocked up nose so if you were on death row near the blocked up nose it's your day to be executed and John Coffey from the Green Mile is in the cell next to you. Who? John Coffey. Have you seen the Green Mile? What? Not the Green Giant. What did John Coffey's name mean?

41:12He said Green Mile. Green Mile. And she said Sweet Corn. Sweet Corn. Because she was thinking of the Green Giant. Yeah. He sounds lovely. So you thought maybe the Jolly Green Giant's name is John Coffey. Is he? that the Jolly Green Giant has a name and it's John Coffey. And it's John Coffey. Is it Coffey as in coffee? No, it's actually, it's like the drink but not spelled the same. It's C-O-F-F-E-Y. Nice. John Coffey. So he's a character in a book that got made into a film. Oh, he's not a friend of yours. No, I'm a friend of John Coffey. No, John Coffey's not my friend. But if you see the film, you do feel like he's your friend.

41:52Yeah, yeah. Good hearted character. Gentle, gentle giant. he is very tall and what did he do he can heal people with his hands and he offers to take it away he says I can take it away boss to people and then he touches them and then he absorbs whatever it is and then it it's expelled out of his mouth in the form of like flies like that all like disappear into the air yeah it's very painful for him it takes a lot out of him but he can do that yeah would you let him take away your blocked up nose I mean if I've got flies coming out of my mouth they'll come out of John Coffey's mouth Come out of John Coffey's mouth.

42:25He'll touch your nose with his hand. He'll just go away. And then you'll get an unblocked nose and then he'll put his head up to the sky and all the flies will come out of his mouth. I suppose if he's up for it, I wouldn't want to say if he's had a rough day. Yeah. Yeah, it depends how many he's done, I suppose. That day. That day. He's already cured a man of his bladder infection. I suppose it's just a blocked up nose. He would have had worse. yeah is it based on the severity of the thing that he's taking on how bad how many flies there are oh then I'm sure he's you know blocked up nose to him just walking you know the park it'd be very easy for him just gonna be one fly coming out yeah just a yeah one fly yeah but I'm I'm just wondering I would also say you know I've got I've got some spicy pasta coming

43:19dream side dish maybe some chips no maybe some chips I like potatoes yeah like and chips or potato salad I made a potato salad the other day did you? there you go that's not pasta so yeah but I mean it sort of it felt lovely and it felt nice but if I have it again I'll eat that and then it will be pasta and potatoes huh? you know? no well it will be yeah I can have it have pasta and potato salad so i thought well it's just you know yeah i've got another thing but it's just potato salad yeah but then you can add another thing well i had chicken with it but again i said that it's chicken or to pasta yeah potato salad sort of is just a side dish isn't it like you can't just say i'm gonna have potato salad for dinner yeah that's true i would but yeah can't you can't you know anthony from blue told me his favorite food was potato salad it's So I hate it when you buy it in the shop, though, it's absolutely the worst thing in the world.

44:22They just don't cook the potatoes. Yeah. Horrible. But when you make it, it's amazing. Can you talk us through your potato salad recipe? Well, I bought some tiny potatoes, put them in the boil, smashed them, and then put them in the oven. And then I did put too much onion in it, though. Okay. Two whole onions. Like white onions? No, red and white. red and white one red one white one red one white one spring one chive oh wow so it was a bit too much of onion agreed that was too many and then mayonnaise but it was nice you know to have something different than pasta see what I like to hear about this is you've boiled them yeah but then you've like roasted them off as well so they're crispy crispy potato salad that's really good I saw it on Instagram yeah so I did it yeah when you said that I thought that it was honestly so nice it was just too much onion.

45:18Yeah. Really, really too much onion. Four types of onions. Yeah. Was that in the Instagram recipe as well? I think I saw one recipe where a man used red onion. I saw a recipe where a man used white onion and then one where he used spring and chives. And you combined them all. And I just combined them all. Because you can't get everything right first time. Are you going to do it again? I'll do it again. Yeah, I just use less onion. Yeah. But it was really nice, honestly. It does sound good. I have to say. Maybe, actually, I think I would have that as my side dish. Yeah. Yeah. I would go for the spring and the chive myself.

45:56Though I am trying to learn to eat more of the other food groups. Yeah. Because they all seem to just be carbohydrates. Yeah, so far we've got bread, which we ask you about, but then pasta and potatoes. I keep trying to sort of venture out, but... Not going well. You have to keep doing it. You've got to just do it once. Yeah. So it's just, you feel like you're just never going to get out of that, you know, headspace of carbs. You're always just going to feel like old. Is that how carbs make you feel? I feel just, you know, I barely move. Yeah. I'm just asleep. On your own blanket. Yeah. And that's it.

46:40But there's, you know, the other groups. name them vegetables yeah they're always good keep the porters in bonito for this section well it's that isn't it it's vegetables or things like potatoes and pasta carbs and vegetables carbs and vegetables but I guess it's like oh meat yeah meat protein protein protein vegetables vegetables is that the name of their category? I think it is vegetables

47:20I don't know the official names of the categories but I think vegetables is like an umbrella term, wheat, it's probably in carbs, it's probably got enough wheats in well I don't get any of, I need to eat more dairy, yeah well this is the issue, I love dairy as well that's why I think I could be vegetarian, but I couldn't be vegan because of the dairy Because of the dairy. Because the dairy is just brilliant. And I think, you know, it's just from, you know, udders. Yeah. But, I mean, I think they're not dead, are they? No. They're just... If anything... I do encourage, you know... They have to be alive to get the milk out the udder.

48:01Yeah. Can't get them out a dead udder. I think, yeah, the dream would be to have my own farm and look after my own cows to make sure that they're not being, you know, treated poorly. but I can still get dairy from them and then, you know, give them something to eat after or something. Because you like tiny things and you've had like, you know, cows in your pocket and stuff like that, were you like not really like the big cows? Wouldn't. You wouldn't really like them. You'd be like, oh, I don't want to look after these because I wish they were tiny. Although if it meant I could have dairy and it be a positive experience for the cows, I would feel better about it because it would mean I'm, you know, I'm not going to Asda and buying you know evil dairy have you ever milked a cow no I haven't met a cow you haven't met a cow no what you've seen cows I've seen them and you know like the street when you walk what you must have met them if you've seen them in the street when you drive past a cow farm I've never like gone up like introduced myself or anything yeah you've not got up up a post No, not up close.

49:11Yeah. I've seen a horse. How was that? I was meeting the horse. It's all right. Very tall. So if you saw a horse and Stephen Merchant next week, you'd have a sheet of things. Fruit is another. I like fruit, but my issue with, I think, fresh food, vegetables and fruit, is just how they just don't age well. you buy fruit you have to really really want it instantly or it's gone that's it's just it's so i find it so stressful you can't plan a week's meal of fruit and veg full stop because it'll be it'll be off by the get to day three i guess you could plan if you planned it yeah how please tell well sometimes i'll be like right i'm gonna i get in the shop and i go i've got this many days free that I need to do meals on and I should be eating more vegetables I'll get this aubergine for that meal, I can grill that I can grill these leeks, I can get these avocados for breakfast that day and you know how many meals you've got but don't they go off?

50:22no, because if I'm only getting it for the week because I've got a bag of lettuce in my fridge and I opened it to put in something and then I looked this morning and it's brown yeah I opened it yesterday well that doesn't feel right no no it always happens to me so it feels like what's the point if I'm not going to eat a whole bag of lettuce yeah it's just going to go brown the next day I have to be buying bags of lettuce every day I don't want to buy one of them whole you know you can get them as a whole lettuce yeah I don't want to do that why because they're all brown they're all like covered in mud aren't they you have to take like four sheets of lettuce off yeah Are they covered in mud?

51:07Like little bits of mud, little bits of bugs. Stickers from the shop. What about washing it? Yeah, but the outside layer is sort of unwashable, isn't it? Sort of feels waxy. It's been used, it's been touched, it's been, you know. What if you peeled the outside layer off and then washed it? But it's sort of, they don't come in, the layers overlap, don't they? It's like one layer goes into the other layer. So you pull off one layer and you go, oh, perfect. You pull off the other layer and it sort of takes off the next layer. so then you pull off the other layer and then you've got like an egg.

51:41It's just not worth it. So I just buy it in a bag. And it goes brown the next day. It goes brown the next day, yeah. So that's why I don't eat a lot of vegetables but I am trying. Just don't know how to, you know, what to do with them or where to put them. You could even, you know, just put them in, you know, with the pasta, right? You can make sauces. Well, I thought there's onion in the pasta, so. Yeah, I don't know how much you're getting from onion though in terms of... yeah in terms of if you're saying I want to eat more vegetables because it's like more nutrients you just want to feel like more more alive and stuff yeah but I don't think onions gonna do anything no well I feel like Ed and I are a couple of like pushover youth workers yeah who are trying to get through to yeah one of the promises yeah but more stubborn kids in the youth centre yeah I don't really feel like you're getting that much and I've been there on its own.

52:34So like, have you considered other things? I love cabbage. That's nice. But like only in like a roast dinner, I wouldn't just eat a cabbage like in a pasta. Yeah, cabbage pasta, I would say probably not. You know, when you see like Jamie Oliver on stuff and he's giving tips to parents on how to get more vegetables into their kids diet by sort of almost tricking them by like blending it up in pasta sauces. Have you ever thought of doing that and trying to trick yourself? I have blended. I have tried to make soup before from vegetables. But it just was all just like lumps of vegetables. I blended it and it just tasted like I blended vegetables.

53:10It wasn't like it was, you know, was it country house? What's that soup called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. I know what you mean. Farm, yeah. With the cartons. The cartons. It wasn't like that. It was just like the recipe said, yeah, roast your vegetables, put them in a blender, you'll get this lovely soup. Just tasted like. It feels like there needs to be another liquid element there. Like a vegetable stock or something? Oh, yeah. I just put hot water in it. Because I thought you got all the flavour from all the vegetables. But apparently not. Did they say put hot water in with the vegetables and blend it?

53:45They put some, yeah, they poured something hot in. I think that might have been vegetable stock. Yeah. Are you doing most of your cooking from Instagram? And I've got a cookbook. Okay. What cookbook have you got? Just some girl called Beth.

54:02Yeah. And she cooks, but it's always chicken. This explains it. Yeah. It's always chicken, yeah. So I only look in it when I'm not having pasta.

54:20Your dream drink? I love milkshakes. Yeah. But that was sort of more in my youth. that I used to order a milkshake alongside, you know, a main course in a restaurant or like a pasta because it's just you're asking to not eat, you're asking to be full up. It's like having a complan. A what? A complan. Haven't heard that. No. Really? No. What's that? It's like when you don't eat, your mum gives you a complan. What? Have you heard this word before? You know when you've not eaten because you're ill or you need to get nutrients or you've not got an appetite. just have a comp plan just get it in the health it's got all your nutrients in it have you heard of it?

55:06no is it like a powder? it's a powder you just fill it up with milk and drink it it fills you up I don't think I ever not had that I don't think I ever my mum was ever in a situation where I hadn't eaten yeah I used to well I suppose like if I felt ill or if I was you know ill I couldn't yeah I was like I really just don't want to eat and she'd go well you need to you know, you need to have something in you. So have a complan. So that, to you, when you have a milkshake with a main, it's like you're having a complan. I might as well just have a complan. Yeah. Because it's a meal in itself and a milkshake.

55:42Yeah. But I do like a milkshake as like, if it was just dream drink in general without a meal, I would pick, you know, milkshake. But it's just so filling and so sweet. Yeah. That the older I get, the more I'm inclined to just have a glass of water. Yeah. can we stick on the milkshake just for a bit yes I want to know what you've because obviously you're not going to have it with the meal because it's with the meal but if you were just having the milkshake what flavour would you go for I try and get a different one each time because I just always think what if I'll find the next best milkshake but I'd go from anything from you know just vanilla to one with like loads of bits in like crunchy or bubblegum you know bits of bubble gum in it bubble gum bits of like sweets and I always dream about milkshakes yeah but just you know I'll take anything I like to try what dreams are you having just I dream about milkshakes sometimes what do you mean like I'll always be sort of in a parlour I'll always be looking for a milkshake and I'll get this you know extravagant milkshake and I'll sit and I'll wake up that's the dream before you drink it that's the dream yeah It's just a pattern.

56:58It's that and other stuff. What are you? You seem like you're about to share another one of your dreams and then you decided against it. I just didn't know if it was in context. You don't need to give context to it? No, you've given the context. I stood next to Big Ben and there's a helicopter in the sky and I can see that something's off and it crashes into Big Ben. People fall out of Big Ben and the helicopter. Before that, I'll be bad. Yeah. And then I turn to my left and Tamsin Althwaite stood there and she says, oh, this is awful, isn't it? And I go, yeah. Because I can't believe it. And that happens a lot.

57:45There's that and the milkshake dream. Or theme parks. Just nothing in general, just theme parks. Well, you're not a lot in there. Benito dreams about theme parks. I tried to. I've been meaning to Google it for ages, what it means if you're constantly dreaming about theme parks. I think it's every night at some point. Have you Googled what the Big Ben one means? I mean, you don't know where to stop because once you start, Google gives you all the suggestions until you get to Tamsin Althwaite and then Big Ben and a helicopter. But the first time I had that dream, it felt so real. So real. The second time you were saying to Tamsin Althwaite.

58:24Now it's just, I'm like, we both know what's going to happen. We've been here before. But I don't know, God knows what that means. How do you feel about, or have you ever had a freak shake? Yeah, that's sort of what I think I dream about. Those ones, and like I was saying, the bubble gum with the bits. It just feels a bit like they just throw too much on. Like there's a cake on it and a candy floss. It's not a drink anymore. No. But if I wanted a milkshake, I'd eaten dinner. It's been a few hours. I'd go for it. I just don't know if I'd have the cake and the lollipop and everything after. It seems designed for Instagram, isn't it?

59:06It is. Take a photo of it. I just want a plain plastic cup. I don't like milkshakes in paper. I get you there. I really don't like it. You want a plastic cup, though? I like to see through. What about a glass, then? Yeah but you know when you buy one out And they give it to you Like Five Guys now They give you a milkshake And you can't see what the milkshake is And that's why I don't get milkshakes from Five Guys anymore Because you can't see it No You don't trust it Well I just don't enjoy it as much Whereas when you get a milkshake in a plastic cup You enjoy it because you know what it is And you can see it as you drink I mean you're drinking that tea now Yeah but tea's never come in a clear cup has it Unless you've got a clear glass Yeah But I don't like the whole, you know, we're going from plastic to paper.

59:53I just can't. I just can't. It's about time someone took a stand against that. I mean, I get it. Also the younger generation as well. People that's going to affect a bit more. Environment. It's good to hear it. Come on. I just, I miss it. So if someone... I miss having lids on McFlurries. Cut this out, Benita. Clear paper. Clear paper. Another job idea. Another business venture. See through paper. Yeah, if you can figure that out. Yeah, it's a good business idea. You can get, it's just like... Yeah, fair enough, that's pretty good. Isn't that transfer paper? Not bad, actually. So you go back to Five Guys if they start putting their...

1:00:32Make sure it's in transfer paper. Transfer paper, yeah. I just miss it, that's all. Like, I'm not going to, you know, bash them, I just miss the... Well, I want to get it sorted out, because what about if they change their cups to being paper, so better for the environment, but they have a small plastic window in it so you can at least see would be a start but I just would then think why don't you just make the whole thing plastic but what's it doing to the environment what plastic loads but then just make plastic that doesn't do anything bad to the environment I've seen it happen what do you mean well I've got given a straw the other day and it's plastic I think that's one of the things they battle against the most.

1:01:15No, but it must have been good for the environment. Why, because you've got gift in it? Yeah. They don't do them anymore, do they? Yeah, they do. Some places do, yeah. Yeah, places that don't give a shit. Well, it was sort of, it looked eco-friendly. It felt it. It felt sort of grainy. I think that's paper then. No, but it was plastic. So it's doable. Well, I don't... Do you not get what I mean about plastic? Missing it. Missing it? No. I suppose you can't really say that, you know, anyway. You can, but I don't miss it. I actually prefer the milkshakes. Do you prefer paper? Yeah, those cardboard.

1:01:53Do you like paper straws? I mean, I don't love them, but I'll use them. I just can't. I like a metal straw. I just prefer, I don't mind glass straws because you can see through them. But metal or plastic straws, the reusable ones, you just can never see if it's clean. there could be all sorts in there. Oh, in the straw? If you're reusing a straw, yeah. What if you wash it? Is it because that's not like washing the lettuce? Not at all. You have to get like a little brush, a straw brush. Like a chimney sweep? Yeah, it is like a chimney sweep. What if you had a tiny, you like tiny things? I love tiny things.

1:02:28You were given a tiny little chimney sweep brush to wash your reusable straw with? Yeah. You went over now? Yeah. I've got glass straws because I don't, you know, I don't buy plastic straws. Yeah. Because apparently they're bad. But I do miss them. I don't mind it if you're eating in, if you're sitting in, and they give you a milkshake in a glass. Yes. Oh, look, I'm glad we're under glasses now. Milkshake in a cold glass, and then Ed's Diner, they'd have a glass of milkshake, and then they'd do the extra milkshake, more milkshake in a tin cup that they'd blended the milkshake in. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

1:03:04My God. That was amazing. I've told you this before, surely. You're going to love this. I used to go to Ed's Diner every week with my dad, go swimming and then go to Ed's Diner. already love it wow and then I was drinking a milkshake and I went dad and I distinctly remember saying that if you look out the window that's England but in here we're in America

1:03:27so true still have his brain works now yeah oh yeah 100 % I'd say that out loud now absolutely still fix that that's really sweet so true what would your dad say to that probably on his phone yeah that was my dad when I was a kid he'd say no we're not it's just yeah he probably went yes very good yeah yeah yeah never met my dad

1:03:56Benito now wants to know exactly what milkshake it is okay I'll clarify yeah Benito is like very stressed so if it was a dream drink just on its own I'd pick a milkshake but if it's with the meal it would have to be maybe either still water or an appletiser. So this is with the meal, so I think... Well, you could have it after. Because I suppose you get water for the table, don't you? Yeah. And then an appletiser. So you're not having a milkshake now? Not with the meal, no. I could have that for dessert. We don't want to change your dessert, so I... Do you have a dessert? I mean, you can have the milkshake with the dessert.

1:04:35I like lots of desserts. so I don't think you should make it a milkshake because then you're going to have it I think you could have the milkshake with the dessert or you could have it after the meal if you wanted if you're still hungry yeah I could do do that then

1:04:54desserts yes I like ice cream yeah yeah I think it's close isn't it because it's blended together maybe creme brulee yeah that's nice yeah but it depends if I've had like a really like milky day do you get what I mean yeah if I've had a lot of milk I don't really want to end it on creme brulee especially if you've got a milkshake knocking around as well yeah I wouldn't want a milkshake and a creme brulee maybe I'd have like a pie like a cherry pie that's good hey now we really are in America I'd like to choose a milkshake, a dessert, because there's so many. Like, I'll find myself, you know, having all sorts.

1:05:41Yeah. On the spot. Well, I guess we didn't mean to put you on the spot. Benito should have sent you these ahead of time. So apologies for that. I think he did. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he did, yeah. I just don't know how anyone's supposed to choose a dessert. What was the last great dessert you had? I think it was just a cup of ice cream. like a Mr. Whippy a cup of Mr. Whippy yeah we've been to an ice cream parlor in like London yeah and they've got all the like the ice cream without any air bubbles in like the nitro ice cream no it's like soft serve stuff it's like Italian ice cream gelato yeah yeah that's nice yeah that's not like Mr.

1:06:28Whippy though no but you can get Mr. Whippy you can yeah But not from an Italian ice cream parlour. But I'd probably get an Italian ice cream. Yeah, a gelato. Yeah, but I did have Mr Whippy the other day. Yeah. But in a cup, not in a cone? In a cup. Because I don't like the cone. From the van? From the van. No, it was, you know, Leicester Square. Yeah. Just a guy there. What? Next to the casino.

1:06:57What was it, little cart? No, he was just sort of built in the wall. you know next to the imax like a hatch like a he's in a hatch was he just a guy there and he wasn't built into the wall no the shop was yeah and he said waffles ice cream cakes bubble tea and i said do you just do plain ice cream in a cup he went yeah so he just poured out some Mr Whippy into a cup it was horrible it was all melted that was your answer so what was the last great dessert oh great it was just the last dessert I had it was just all melted have you ever used an ice cream machine before no I've always wanted to get one but I don't like the fact that you can't use it instantly you have to let it cool down yeah I don't like that you have to you know wait overnight what's the point they're hard to use as well though I used the Mr Whippy machine for something and you have to do it quite slowly I love that though when you go somewhere like you know when you go to pizza hut yeah ice cream factory that's brilliant i think that's actually my dream dessert actually yeah it's the best um can you talk us through the toppings that you put on no sauce just um the sparkling strawberry pink balls yeah just them it's lovely doesn't feel like you're making full use of the factory but i don't When you overdo it, it just tastes like saucy cream.

1:08:26It's horrible. I just want the ice cream to really, really enjoy the flavour of the dairy. It's lovely. Just add some pink glittery balls to it. It just adds a strawberry crunch. To be honest, I admire this because whenever I use any of these things, I just go nuts. Yeah, people do. I used to do that when I was younger. And it looks great. yeah but as soon as you start going it's just I'm eating chocolate soup with you know gummy bears and smarties and it tastes like shit yeah it's mad and I do then look at the you know people like me people like you who had the restraint and the foresight to go what would actually taste nice I'm going to do this and I do think wow like I wonder if I'll ever be like that it's lovely and you can just go back and get more I think if you're not like that now James you're never going to be like that no I'm never going to be like it well I used to be like it yeah but you're 23 so if you've managed to change I mean you've yeah it's true actually I changed a lot between yeah up until the age of 23 but now too late did you change between 23 and 39 39 yeah I've changed but not ice cream wise yeah and I don't think that's going to change for you no that's in my DNA look at my dad yeah don't bring up dads again sorry that's fine I'm sure he's happy you know I've got a dog you have yeah yeah I'm sure he's happy I've got a dog are you saying he's happy that you've got a dog no I said I'm sure he's happy and I've got a dog yeah so I met your dog you did very sweet he's lovely yeah he's a nice dog lovely little dog I love dogs I'd love to have be surrounded by dogs as well for the meal that's nice your own dog definitely yeah and some more will your dog have a special sort of position within the group of dogs or will they just be in the mix of she'll have her own little chair yeah with a little um plate of cheese yeah she loves cheese does she yeah um and then the other dogs can just have sort of some snacks yeah as well just because i don't want to be pestered yeah i want to give be able to give them some but not enough um i can't give them my food because it's got onion in it so can dogs not have onion no i learned that the hard way um will you talk us through what happened um i just found out that if they have onion they'll die was that the hard way yeah the hard way the hard way is your dog choice oh really god I thought it was you've got to be careful how you use that phrase don't go around and say to people I learnt that the hard way when there's much harder ways than what you went through my dog still got a brain disease it just wasn't from onions

1:11:30technically I did learn it the hard way no because you didn't learn anything about the onions from your dog having a brain disease. No, but I did learn the hard way. What do you mean? About, you know, having a dog. When you get a dog, you know, learnt that the hard way. She's now got meningitis. Yeah. But you didn't learn that dogs can't have onions the hard way. You just learnt that. You learnt another thing the hard way. That doesn't mean you should use that phrase for every situation you're in. But they can't have onions. you did learn that you learned that but not the hard way yeah you learnt that and other things I'd say you learnt that the easy way yeah you learnt the fat but I mean if she ate an onion then I've just you know killed her yeah but you already knew that so you've not learned that the hard way you just messed up but I wouldn't know that she's eaten the onion would I you don't always know if a dog's eating this is the issue the dog can just you won't know you don't always know if your dog's going to eat an onion so you do sometimes learn the hard way yeah you would learn the hard way but but again for that you would have to not know that dogs can't eat onion and then your dog without your knowledge eats an onion and dies and then you take it to the vet and they go I'm a little bit confused ate an onion you've learned the whole well at least there's no onions in your kitchen ever no but I really want to make sure that she understands this because you are saying you're confused but like I'm saying you read a fact about onions said if dogs eat onions they die so you read that and because of that your dog hasn't eaten onions and nothing's happening so I've learned that the hard way well no because because your dog didn't eat it so the hard way is that you feed your dog an onion and it dies and then you find out that's the hard way it's just an expression though isn't it yeah but it means something so like if like we all learn the hard way you found out the hard way that dogs can get meningitis when your dog got meningitis yeah you learn the hard way with the onion thing you just read that yes yeah yeah I think my dog I don't know if I learned the hard way my dog did just get meningitis did you know did you know before that that dogs could get meningitis I suppose oh well you didn't learn the hard way then and you already knew and then your dog later got many jokes.

1:13:57That would have been a perfect example. Yeah. It would have been a good example, but... Yeah. I guess we learnt that the hard way.

1:14:08I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Yeah. You want still water? Yes. You want... Chirbata... Chirbata... I don't even know how to pronounce it. Give it a go. Chirbata? Yeah, that sounds great. Garlic bread and sheets of poppadoms. Yep. starter you want a four pound coin worth of spaghetti with tomato based sauce main course vodka rigatoni side maybe some chips that wasn't it potato salad wasn't it yeah we want the potato salad yeah yeah we got to a potato salad at the end your potato salad that you cooked but not as many onions not as many onions drink apple tizer I forgot that that's where we arrived didn't even get into talking about apple tizer dessert Pizza Hut ice cream factory with a milkshake not with a milkshake just with some strawberry crunch sprinkles at Sparkly and are you having a milkshake after the meal no if I did it would be hours after a milkshake does not in any way feature in this no but it would if it was just drinks and you want to be surrounded by dogs for the whole thing how do you feel about that who?

1:15:21me really I mean I'm pleased yeah happy with that yeah it sounds lovely I'm excited about the very small bowl of pasta I'd like to see that be brought to the table yeah would you be excited if someone brought you a tiny little bowl of edible pasta I'd be so excited especially if it all you know it was made from all the same ingredients as the large version yeah I'd be thrilled you know it's a dream really thanks so much for coming to the dream restaurant Chi thanks for having me thank you

1:15:58well there we are James what a menu what an episode yeah delicious absolutely loved that episode yeah had a lot of fun I feel like I've meditated yeah do you know what I mean I feel very at peace yeah but like I feel like I've meditated and dropped something at the same time yeah yeah I feel relaxed but also a bit weird on edge yeah yeah she's fantastic uh yes do watch uh things you should have done uh on iplayer it is a brilliant show and i think actually this episode has given you a taste of the sort of yeah the the general sort of vibe of the show yeah and like i mean and then there's so much content that luci has put out online as well oh yeah watch all of that too so you can just like there's a whole world to dive into absolutely uh and of course you didn't say fake sushi grass james thank you thank you very much for that Chi right we'll go then will we I think we'll go we'll wander off into the afternoon yes into the evening into the morning go our separate ways live our own lives you know three happy men with lucky lives three happy men with lucky lives it's the new name of the podcast off menu is no more it's now called three happy men with lucky lives yeah we'll go and do different bye bye

1:17:29Hey, I'm Alison Spittle. And I'm Ferran Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I'd take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February.

1:18:06So please listen and subscribe.