Mawaan Rizwan

0:12Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the spaghetti hoops of conversation, warming them in the pan of the internet and pouring over the hot buttered toast of friendship.

0:20James Acaster: It's spaghetti hoops on toast. That's Ed Gamble, he's spaghetti hoops. Oh, I just realised what I've set up here. Oh, we've got a dog called Toast. Yeah, but then who are you? I'm James Acaster. And together we own a drink restaurant. And every single week we're inviting a guest and we ask them their favourite ever. Start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Mwan Rizwan. Amazing comedian, writer, performer. I'd say one of my favourite Taskmaster moments or like ways of solving a task ever on Taskmaster is making the cow disappear. Oh yes, very good.

0:56James Acaster: I think it's so good. simple, effective, clever and done with so much joy but then also he did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on Taskmaster maybe this should be the secret ingredient actually he tried to put helium in an egg yeah let's have that the secret ingredient which we have every week which if the guest picks it they'll be kicked out of their dream restaurant is an egg filled with helium absolutely that's great helium egg wow that's ambitious full respect BAFTA winner of course BAFTA winner Juice Series 2 like me like me yes Ed won a BAFTA because Taskmaster Series 9 won a BAFTA and I won Taskmaster Series 9 so Ed did win the whole BAFTA is that the whole thing's yours or are you a part of that I think so if you win the series you win the awards that are given to that series and of course they're both heads yes so like oh that's a really good point yeah right so the Taskmaster is Greg's head that does the trophy and then the BAFTA is ahead as well.

1:56James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's funny. I'd never thought of it like that before. You could put the BAFTA mask on top of the Taskmaster one and make Greg wear the BAFTA mask. He's not sent me the BAFTA yet, actually, and it was a while ago. I guess COVID got in the way. Yeah, you should bring it up. Yeah, yeah, I will. So you get that. Moan, of course, won for Juice Series 1. Yeah. Well, the whole team won for that, I think. The whole team on Juice. I thought Moan won for his performance. Yeah, but that's, you know, you can't credit the performance with just yourself, can you? So Mawon shared his and I've got one, a whole one.

2:29James Acaster: Oh yeah, sorry. Well done. Congratulations again. Thank you. Juice Series 2 is coming soon. Very excited. Make sure you watch it. We are going to first hear what Mawon would like for dinner. This is the Off Menu Menu of Mawon Rizwan.

2:50Welcome Mawon to the Dream Restaurant. Yes, yes.

2:54James Acaster: Welcome, Moana Rizwan, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. I'm ready. My body is ready. That's, I mean, no one's ever opened with my body is ready, but that's exactly how people should be opening the podcast. Is it appropriate for me to say your body looks ready? Thank you, man. Thank you. I'm not eating in a week. Is that what you say when you go into every restaurant? Do you tell the waiter, my body is ready? Do you know what? From now on, yes. And by that, I mean, do you know when you're spending money, you're going for a good meal? I honestly don't I don't eat all day man really?

3:25yeah and then it's extra tasty yeah the whole day you just put do you you know have to actively resist eating food all day? I try I snack because you know no one's trying to die out here but you know do you know what I mean? yeah but I just like slightly like drip drab the nutrients yeah I'm not having like a big potato lunch do you know what I mean? yeah a big potato what's a big potato lunch? you know a big potato lunch guys you guys don't know yeah yeah no you know when you just have loads of potatoes and it fills you up yeah I completely agree with you I can't be too hungry when I go into a restaurant though yeah because then I'm almost not enjoying the food I'm just inhaling it yeah exactly and then I just want everything oh you don't want to be too hungry I don't want to be like so hungry that I'm eating that first course and barely even tasting it oh got it yeah yeah because my body's too ready yeah yeah yeah you don't want your body

4:19James Acaster: to be too ready yeah you don't want to be too ready no no no I want to be Yeah, but vaguely ready. So you don't want a big potato lunch, but you will snack little bits. No, we'll have little potato lunch. Yeah? New potatoes. Thin potatoes. By that I mean. Crisps. Yes. Slice it really thin, fry it. Yeah. I believe they call it crisps. Crisps, yeah. It's a way of still... Do you know what I mean? And crisps are so like with empty calories, isn't it? Are they? Yeah. They're like, it's nothing food. Yeah, they don't fill you up. So they make you hungry, okay? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know they were empty calories, crisps.

4:50I think so. Like, because if you think about it, like, I don't think I've ever filled myself up on crisps. When I say empty calories, it's not like they don't have any calories. Oh. As in... I'm sorry, James, you don't understand the phrase. Yeah. I do. Yeah, I don't understand the phrase. If you don't have big potato lunch, you ain't gonna know. As in, they basically give you no nutrients, but they give you calories.

5:10James Acaster: Oh, okay. It's the opposite of broccoli. I get what you mean. So like normal Coke. So I haven't really understood empty calories over the years, because I just see that as a green light to just fill up with. Yeah. Just absolutely eat those things and I won't put on weight, but actually. Empty calories, not calorie empty. I get it. Yeah, I'm so sorry, man. Oh, no. You need to rethink your whole nutrition plan. I will take nutrition tips off you. You're a healthy guy. Thank you, man. I try. I saw my one once cycling down the canal, didn't I? Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah, nearly fell in. I was on a line, man.

5:41I'm glad you knew that he saw you cycling down the canal because this would be creepy as hell if you didn't see him.

5:46James Acaster: Yeah. I kind of like, at the last minute, was like, like double point right at him. Yeah, it was creepy anyway. You know what I mean? Like jumping out of a bush in the canal. You didn't jump out. What were you doing? Were you running? I was just walking the opposite direction. Saw you at the last minute. Did a double point really over the top. Yeah. This guy! Without really knowing each other very well. Yeah, man. It was stressful. I'm not going to lie, James. It was stressful. I love you, man. I love your face. But it was just, I was going so fast before I could say, hello, I'm already past. Do you know what I mean?

6:17And those, I hate those meets because if we're both walking at least we can be like

6:21James Acaster: yeah I'm slightly disappointed here that you're the sort of person who cycles by the canal really fast yeah man I take risks I hate those people I cycle every day I nearly die if there's a pram I don't give a fuck I take priority yeah you jumping over the pram like Grand Theft Auto I'll do whatever I need to do to get over the pram do you know what I mean because I sort of also like come on man it's London yeah why are you if you have a baby stay at home we are late do you know what I mean yeah are you ringing your bell at least so the baby knows well yes but then some some of these line bikes the bells don't work oh you and that's not my fault do you know what I mean so line bikes are even quicker right yeah yeah and also when you start on them they give you that little you know it's like video game when you go through a thing that gives you an extra little acceleration yeah straight into a pram that's how it starts yeah straight what if they start they should start doing line prams that's good for people so that it's level the playing field not a pram with loads of limes in it oh I cannot emphasise enough not a pram with loads of limes James because you didn't know what empty calories was you do know a lime bike isn't a bike made of limes right do you know what you guys carry on about me I didn't know I think they should have those prams so parents would just be okay I haven't got time to get the pram out I'll get a lime pram when I'm out put the baby in it give a little accelerator at the start electric prams but they'd have to be attached to the pram because if it accelerates without them their baby's off and they're not well maybe that's even better there would have to be a little platform on the back platform yeah yeah in the future I bet you can just program into the electric pram where you're going it just goes off with your baby and you meet it there I actually would not like that level playing field because I like the power do you know what I mean I'm like powerless to like lorries and trucks where can I you know the oppressor got to oppress yeah and prams are the only ones I can take it out yeah They are the only one below you on the food chain.

8:19James Acaster: The only thing below cyclists. Let's talk about Juice Season 2. Do you want to say Season 2 in this country or Series 2? It's Series, I think. It is Series 2. But then I get confused because we talk about the whole thing as a series. Like, we can slag off the Americans all we want for their use of language. But actually, when we're calling the entire thing a series and then we're breaking it up into individual series, we are the stupid ones. No, it's a show and a series. Stop trying to get work in America, man. Please. Stop sucking up to Hollywood. Any Americans listening. I can do accents. Move on, let's talk about Juice Season 2.

8:56James Acaster: What can the listeners be excited about? Because the first one, you won a BAFTA. There's no small thing. No, I know. That's horrible, isn't it? Is this worst case scenario? You won a BAFTA for series one? It's terrible, man. It's just ruined my life. You got it. Well, just that, like, let me just make a show and then don't compare it to anything and then don't tell me it's good. And don't watch it. And don't watch it. Like, leave me alone. Let me make my show in a cave and then just like, you know, clock on, clock off and go home and make a meal and be happy. No, but like, basically, I'm trying not to think about that a lot.

9:30I'm just trying to write the show I want to write. You know, it's funny because when you make the first one, no one cares. And then when they care and then it's harder. But what I'm really enjoying about it is a bit of a horror theme emerging. it's more surreal it's taken a whole different stylistic avenue which you know people were like wow this show is so weird and I was like this is me watering it down they give me a series too so we're having a lot of fun with it man yeah I'm really excited great

10:04James Acaster: and will any juice be appearing on your menu today? are you a juice guy? I hate juice I hate juice let me just say that for the record that's going to be the clickbait out there now I also hate mango chutney I've got a song about mango chutney I hate that you've got a song about it's mangoes in general right yeah I love mangoes but I don't love mango chutney that's not mango it's just like sugar innit I completely agree with you I don't like mango chutney I can't taste any mango in that no most mango flavoured things don't taste a mango mango shower gel it's apple smell it smell any mango and close your eyes it's apple apple with a bit a pineapple it's not a mango man they're conning us mango vape there's a mango vape yeah it's disgusting triple mango triple yeah yeah triple mango so does it say the types yeah no because they release a triple mango and you're like I don't even remember you're releasing a double mango so how's this triple mango yeah we're not the first two prequels but like they take something that doesn't taste like mango and then times it by three that makes it worse yeah that's not triple mango there's triple pineapple and apple it's an atrocity man so for you when you enjoy mango it's just pure mango yeah yeah I'm talking Pakistani mango or Jamaican mango I'm not you know I don't I've never heard anyone shout out the Jamaican mango before Jamaican mango Jamaican and Pakistani mango are the best I know Pakistani mango is like people are absolutely obsessed with insane if it was in that other room we could smell it from here yeah and which types of mango is that I don't know the name I just call it what's the Alfonso one that's the one I hear the most amount of love yeah that might be Indian mango is it?

11:45maybe a new mango? are you crazy? listen to what you're saying when mango season it's Indian mango Indian when when mango season comes around near where I live is like every shop turns into a mango shop yeah and they're all in individual boxes the mangoes just look so nice they're just all in you can't buy a bit of gold tinsel on it yeah yeah it's like random I put tinsel on each the labour that goes into putting a tiny bit of tinsel on every mango

12:11James Acaster: I don't know the mangoes I don't know the mangoes have tinsel on them oh yeah it's an Asian thing like if you get it from like an Asian store you get a box and they all have like the label with the like brand on it you know the little sticky fruit label but then like with the label there's a bit of like gold tinsel I love that mangoes are huge man I know mangoes are huge I just didn't know they get tinsel on them like I thought only Christmas trees have tinsel on them but mangoes as well all year round mate you ain't lived man I don't think I have I don't think I have I didn't know I co-host a food podcast I didn't know that mangoes have tinsel on them what else would you put tinsel on if you wanted to like up the sales figures triple mango vape obviously yeah do you know what I mean if you really want to convince me there's mango yeah tinsel put some tinsel on it put the tinsel on it the shower gel as well should have it on yeah but just stick it on yeah get festive man I think tinsel's really dropped off in the last decade I think way less people have tinsel on their Christmas trees now.

13:10Yeah, what's that about? I think people think it's tacky now. Yeah, but do you think it'll come full circle? I think it will. Like flares? I think it will. I think it'll be back like flares, yeah. Yeah, I'm wearing flares. Yeah, they're great. Do you know what I mean? Very well dressed. Maybe I'll start, I'll put tinsel on my Christmas, I don't even do Christmas trees, but I'll do it for tinsel. Or just get a massive mango and put it in your front room. Yeah. Yeah, tinsel up. Mangoes as baubles. Yeah. Now, that.

13:36James Acaster: That would be very on brand for me, yeah. We always start with still a sparkling water, Mawain. Do you have a preference? Still, man. Come on now. Come on. Sparkling water, man, is chaos. How is it chaos? It's two different... A gas and a water should not fuse. They're two different elements. Is that the word? Elements? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Look, we don't know. It was discovered by accident, innit? Was it? Sparkling water? yeah yeah it was like some guy like put a bowl of water above a vat of beer in a brewery right and he I don't know the full details I'm not a scientist but you know I knew you didn't know the full details as soon as you started telling us this because it started with the phrase some guy some yeah in Leeds I know it was invented so I think water was invented in Leeds yeah how about that yeah but I don't like don't ask me like I don't know like periodic table kind of detail but I know there was a bowl there was water and it was above some distillery thing so he what was it it was like nitrogen no not nitrogen carbon dioxide it's carbon dioxide yeah I think it's carbon dioxide yeah shit I'm really clever I guess I'm a Jew yeah but why also you're putting gas in your body that's got to make you gassier do you not like being gassy no I love being gassy sometimes you love it yeah if I have a fizzy drink I love that I love burps I think if you're if you're like burping a fart and it's like great get it out it's a good feeling right but if you're having something that's causing you gas that I don't want to fuck with do you know what I mean like it's like I don't I don't want to have like lentils that haven't been soaked properly right because it would just fuck me up for the day yeah I agree with that anything out the back I'm not into a big burp I love yeah a big burp's great so only lentils that aren't soaked properly give you the gas yeah did you not know this no I didn't look you're teaching me more than any guest has ever taught oh my god and we're not even at the start yet so you gotta soak your lentils girls yeah you gotta and you gotta do it like all night that's a t-shirt by the way get that printed up soak your lentils girls but you gotta do it all night and not too long because then they grow poisonous I know I think that's kidney beans isn't it I used to live in a commune with like seven hippies and like it was all about never canned food it was always like soak shit like get it and we used to get this big like bulk order from sumo right I used to order like the size of my height kind of like bag of lentils and rice and stuff.

16:03So it was all this like soaking malarkey. What was the gas situation in the commune? Well, if someone didn't soak them properly, you'd get gassy. All of the hippies? Yeah, you could tell like, it was like everyone like sinking periods. It was like we knew when someone hadn't soaked the lentils properly because it was a gassy week. Yeah, no one liked a match. No. Because this commune's going up. Yeah. Crack a window. Like Waco by the end of it. Where was this place? in Shadwell how long were you in it for? a couple of years and it was it was like an old it was next to a chicken shop and it was like a old shop that had been converted so our living room had a shop front so people would walk past thinking it was some kind of art installation we were just in there living our lives it was the first place I ever sort of lived with other people was it difficult to take yourself away from the commune?

16:54when I say commune yeah I'm not talking wild wild country you mean house share? yeah

17:01James Acaster: I mean how it killed people it was a commune I say commune because we did everything communally and also there was we used the door as a kitchen counter top it was that kind of do you know what I mean like we did everything was built with like pallets and stuff it was a shit house it was thank you is that what you mean it was a shit house yes we didn't kill anyone or start a religion yeah but we could have because the rent was so cheap yeah I think you're charismatic enough you could convince some people to do that do you think how many people do you reckon you could convince to I guess kill people what were you killing them for do you know what I mean what were they doing in a wild wild country it was just it was yoga wasn't it it was yoga in the name of yoga how many people yeah you could meditate on it afterwards because that's the thing about killing people it's stressful isn't it really it must be you've got to assume it's stressful spiritual practices that get the heart rate down yeah yeah you know I think even if you're into it it's stressful just the laying low afterwards and stuff and not wanting to get caught surely I'd struggle to get to sleep I reckon yeah after a day of killing people I have nightmares of like I'm hiding a body somewhere do you and I've not even I've not even done that yeah how about that have you looked at what that means because that's got to mean something no that you're worried about something else in life yeah being found out yeah I had an awful nightmare the other night here we go this is fresh Michael Barrymore was sick on my back he drank too much Pepsi Max and then he puked on my back in the street that's so visceral yeah but he wouldn't let go of my shoulder so it was the I knew he was going to be sick but I was trying to get away from him he wouldn't let go of my shoulder and then he puked all down my back because he had too much Pepsi Max I feel like this might have been a dream but I can really see him doing that yeah it's kind of like the story someone would tell on Grave Norton yeah when I met Michael Barrymore yeah and everyone would laugh but it wouldn't age well no there were some of those Norton clips where you go back five years or 60 years ago, but were we all laughing about that?

18:59James Acaster: That is not funny. That's horrible. I felt bad for him. Yeah, yeah. Exactly, yeah. We're thinking of the same clip. He wasn't well, you know. He was feeling sick. It wasn't like... He wasn't doing a delivery. He wasn't taking any delight in that, but he was like holding on to me, I think, for some reassurance. And you turned your back on him? I was trying to get away from him because I knew he was going to be sick. You were walking down the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you felt a hand on your shoulder. You turned around. Barry Moore, empty bottle of Pepsi Max. so you know that's why he's being sick and he's not letting go of your shoulders you're like well I can't get away so I'm trying to get away from him and then yeah he's like sickled at my back and then I woke up and told my wife what had happened on the subject of telling your wife that you're playing with fire there because your wife has a phobia of people being sick yeah I wonder whether that was something to do with it someone told me yeah this came from a therapist not my therapist happened to be a therapist who said this your therapist got a shout out in your BAFTA speech yeah he did generally true that week pleased with that the therapist not you okay I don't know if this is a coincidence here but the next week he put his fee up swear to god and I was like has he seen it yeah definitely yeah absolutely like I said thank you to him yeah yeah you didn't name drop him I don't owe him everything do you know what I mean you did it in a funny way I know but also I didn't thank that many people I came off and then like people were like you didn't thank the production company you didn't thank anyone who worked on the show and so then I don't want him taking all the credit for like my like me doing well kind of thing sure yeah I mean he shouldn't be watching that anyway surely ethically exactly he shouldn't be watching the speech well but then you know when you're doing public facing jobs do you wonder like you know the people I don't know you're a therapist you're a gynecologist you're a confidential gang yeah do they know your stuff of course of course I've got an all in one it's efficient you don't have time you're on the telly you gotta do all on in one shower job but you know like do they know do they yeah that's the and you can't really ask because then they're like oh I didn't know that I'll look it up yeah you don't want anyone looking it up I once walked past my therapist in the street I was walking on the street arm and arm with my girlfriend walked past the therapist and we just like nodded at each other my girlfriend was like who was that and I was like it was my therapist and she laughed a lot and then she told her therapist about it I was like I told my therapist you saw your therapist in the street and you both nodded at each other like you were spies like it was secret and we both really laughed at you.

21:24James Acaster: I was like, what? You guys laughing at us? We're cool. What's the evil organisation in Marvel? It's like that. Yeah, Hydra. Yeah, Hydra. It's like you're both mums of Hydra. And then we walk on, Hail Hydra. Pop Doms or bread? Pop Doms or bread, Maud, this one? Pop Doms or bread? Pop Doms. Are you mad? Pop a Doms all day, man. Give me the crackle. Yeah, the crackle. People haven't really talked about the crackle on here. Yeah, it's all about, food is all about the sensuality. Do you know what I mean? The texture, the sounds. Bread, you're not getting sound. You're not getting a crack. And also my mum, for my birthday, she got me a poppadum holder so that, you know, when you put a poppadum in a microwave, you know when sometimes if you don't put it on something, it gets burned in the middle.

22:11Have you ever done that? Yeah, yeah. And then you have to eat around the burn, but it's horrible. Do you know what I mean? You're like, you just like question all your life decisions. Whereas with this, it's like a little, it's like a little, you know, the pizza table in the middle of a pizza. Yes. It's a lot bigger. Great. You've got a rest of your papadum on it. A little papadum rest. A restaurant papadum. Yeah. That's great. Are papadums empty calories? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So that's a good snack leading up to a meal, right?

22:35James Acaster: Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Because, yeah, it's a crisp, basically. You're perhaps in what you preach. It comes full circle, yo. How many do you want? How many dips do you want? What dips do you like? I know you don't want mango chutney. Don't want mango chutney. Right. But I'll have it on the table. Because it's nice to have, like, an array. you know what I mean or I have a bit of mango chutney if I'm also like offsetting it with yogurt writer like a cha what's that called pickle yeah I should use the Urdu word but yeah pickle I use all the words this is a professional writer everybody he's got all the words no I said I said the Urdu word right because in Urdu it's like a cha but I also use all the words I thought you were posting the word yeah I use all the words yeah did somebody say pickle that's more than a syllable I'm damn clever mango pickle is amazing oh okay that tastes like mango yes yeah with bits of mango in the skin as well it's like it's wrong but it's right like proper pickled and spicy proper yeah I don't like spicy food yeah but I'll have if I can control the amount put it with some writer we're good lovely yeah man if you're in a group do you be mother with the poppadoms do you smash them Break them up for everyone With your hand I don't do that I don't do karate chop No No I do I break it in my mouth So I like Take a whole one Whole one And take a bite Yeah And I want to Bite it And I want it I want Pop a dom In my everywhere Do you know what I mean I want to be Finding it in my beard For weeks later You gotta make a mess Yeah yeah But I don't want The mess to be on the table Also if you crack one They're all cracked And then what's that You're having Like it's all Little fragments Sure so you want you want to get the whole one take a bite and then it falls where it may yeah exactly but you don't want any on the table you want it all on you i want it all on me it's how i eat popcorn you do this and you just throw it at your face and a third of it goes in the rest of like i want to be in the cinema and like when you get up at the end it's like a flood of all the snacks you've had you gotta get up and fully brush yourself down exactly get it all off yeah exactly I opened a pack of hard-boiled sweets too fast in the cinema once and it hit the lady in front of me in the back of the head and she turned around and called me a little shit.

24:55James Acaster: She turned around and went, you little shit. Why are you eating hard-boiled sweets in the cinema? I was like, I don't know, 15. In Victorian times? Yes, in Kettering in the early 2000s. So exactly in Victorian times. I go to the big Tesco, I buy a packet of fruit sherbets, loads of different flavours. mummy please may have had fruit sherbets at the motion picture and me and my friends would go to the cinema I'd always eat these fruit sherbets I'd crunch them up they were great there was lime and lemon and black currant and strawberry in there and orange and this particular time just too eager open it really fast bam bam bam in the back of this woman's head turn around you little shit I'm Joe fair enough though I'm on her side what?

25:36you're throwing popcorn in your face getting everywhere popcorn has a soft landing

25:39James Acaster: yeah you know hard boiled that's aggression man yeah it's bad that's get yourself strawberry lace chill out and they're individually wrapped individually wrapped so you're in the cinema yeah bad for the environment but also and noisy you're a noisy little boy yeah very noisy people didn't like it you went to the cinema with your mum at 15 no he put that in oh sorry I just pictured you he lived that I pictured your mum with a Victorian umbrella no Mary Poppins he put that in I bet you did go to the cinema with your mum no I was going with Matthew hey nothing wrong with going with your it's okay it's nice look after your mum what's wrong with you why does you hate your mum so much why do you hate your mum yeah I hate my mum she listens to this every week mum I don't hate you oh yeah but a thing the therapist told me right that every in every dream everyone in your dream is a version of you so really what happened was you threw up on yourself and you projected Michael Barrymore Michael Barrymore what does that say about you yeah which which part of my personality does Michael Barrymore represent Barrymore represents you worrying that your career is going to go real bad at some point and people are just a great all round entertainer yes but a great all round entertainer whose future looks shady and bad and something bad is going to happen to you and you will fall out of favour yes even though you're extremely talented yeah says a lot about you this stream man yeah yeah yeah does say a lot about you I think puking on your own back well we've just sorry we've just assumed that Michael Barrymore's me in this.

27:12No.

27:12James Acaster: Well, I said that's based on actual stuff. A therapist said that, actually. That's scientific shit. It's based on science. But it's also good because when you have a dream and you're like, oh my God, I killed a person or I did something really bad, you're like, oh, it's just a version of me. It's fine, I just killed myself. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's fine. Or if you have a sex dream about someone and the next day you're like, wow, I don't like, you know, at work. Like, oh, what have I said? It's like, no, I just sexed myself. I prefer to have that dream. What? a bunch of different versions of me and we all just wank each other up.

27:43Oh, right, yeah. That says a lot about you. More than Pepsi says about you, yeah. Yeah. In a long line or in a circle?

27:49James Acaster: Joe what? If I'm going to put in a request to my imagination, I'd like to try both at some point. Yeah. Because if you can't do it in your dream, where can you do it? But I guess in a circle would be nicer because then everyone's getting... Everyone's getting something, yeah. The guy at the front. The guy at the front or the guy at the back. It depends how we're doing it. Yeah. Doesn't it? circle you got eye contact as well circle everyone can look at each other and if you're in a circle but you're facing out of the circle then you can't make eye contact that would be the craziest way to do it you're in a circle but you're all facing outside you want to check to see if anyone's coming or at least one of you has to do that just one of you, everyone else is facing inside and one of you has to look out well you know in cartoons when there'll be cartoon characters having a huddle they're normally chickens all having a huddle discussing something and occasionally someone's head will pop up and look around.

28:38Like that. Specifically Chicken Run. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like the writer's room for Human Centipede. I feel like this is how they came up with it. Yeah, yeah.

28:47James Acaster: Okay, but what if ergonomically, actually, they all faced each other? They should get us in the writer's room for that. I think they're still doing sequels to that. Yeah. No. Yeah, come on. They should do a series. They're like you. They're like, oh man, when we wrote the first one, no one had any expectations on it. And now we've got to follow it up again. How are we going to make it even more fucked up? Fun fact, back in the day when I used to make YouTube videos, the mum from Human Centipede was in a video of mine that's cool did you ask her much about Human Centipede? I didn't want to be that guy he was just like you know tell me about your most famous project do you know what I mean?

29:21your dream starter so I think a lot about Teletubby food no?

29:29James Acaster: yeah no keep going also on the way here I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies was it the Teletubby steam engine yeah yeah because it does mention it a lot that soundtrack bang yeah yeah but yeah it made me think I haven't thought about Teletubby so no you brought them up I was literally thinking about this morning I think about that you know that like that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl like the pipe Tubby custard Tubby custard I think about the smiley face toast yeah and it's like therapy isn't it it's just soothing like yeah I want to be there in Teletubby land yeah I don't want none of the Teletubbies there because that's creepy.

30:07Yeah, sure. Right, we're past that now. Do you have a gig with Tinky Winky? Did I have a gig with Tinky Winky?

30:12James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. A few of us have. He was a comedian. He was like an alternative comic from the 80s. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he played Tinky Winky so you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you, you know, that's Tinky Winky. No. Would you talk about it? Yeah, sometimes you'd talk about it on stage but like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed that comedians are lying so you would kind of see him talking about being Tinky Winky and I was like don't think so mate but like we knew Tinky Winky is the green one isn't it? the purple one oh it wasn't the one with the hat no it's the tallest one Dipsy had the hat that's hard though isn't it you're not even the star yeah because the hat yeah he was the he was the solo career kind of yeah I don't know I think you ask different people they'll tell you different you know tell you tell me what the star because they're the you know they resonated with that person yeah yeah yeah maybe you're just like a Dipsy guy I identify with Poe quite a lot yeah yeah it was like the afterthought yeah it always lasts and Poe always went a bit you know what I mean they're like oh I guess Poe is well but you don't want any of them to be there while you're eating your meal I don't want any of them to be there no because I know it's adults in like costumes and then I feel like that's like verging you know like sort of baby fetish territory or like I feel like what I'm doing in my life do you know what I mean but I want my friends there I want like my perfect birthday would be we'd like take you know like you can get an airbnb and go be in a castle a bit or whatever what friends um which friends is all the people you didn't mention in your bafta speech yeah because your therapist took precedent imagine taking your therapist to tell a w land you'd get into it yeah he'd be like well let's let's unpack this one friends who won't unpack shit yeah unpack the psychology of like why i'm desperate to go back to that time when you know uh that that show was so soothing you know like when life was easier basically yeah life's easy in tubby land right in Teletubby land yeah the sun's having a laugh the sun the sun's a baby the sun's a fucking baby man the sun can be there yeah the sun can be there the sun can be there what about the hoover yeah yeah yeah anyone who's not like a man in a suit yeah yeah do you know what I mean so the hoover can be there Nunu Nunu's there yeah Nunu's there and also because we've got to make a mess do you know what I mean there's going to be racks and lines of coke that you're going to need to open up do you know what I mean well poppadoms for a start noona's gonna be going wild popcorn at your face yeah that's gonna be working overtime I wish those tubbies were back feels unethical now isn't it it's like is noona getting paid do you know what I mean yeah you know in lockdown when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks obviously not obviously I don't know about that but yeah sure yeah during lockdown they threw a party yeah and there was like photos of like the help in the background like like serving and like masks and stuff anyway that's what I want Nunu to be yeah okay you know do you want tubby custard and tubby toast as your starter then I want tubby toast yeah because let's not get crazy I'm not trying to have dessert before my main do you know what I mean that would have been nice though I would have liked that if you had tubby custard and tubby toast yeah I hear you maybe we could dip it in oh come on surely you want to dip the tubby toast because they go together right see what it's like yeah yeah and it just the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky.

33:30Like it needs to, do you know what I mean? It can't, because it looks so vague and that's why it was so delicious. What do you think tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like? I reckon like art department making food, which is not real food. Do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid, the toast would taste like, you know those edible, you know you get like some things that look like they're not edible but then they are like little marble cakes or you know what I mean yeah I know exactly what you mean those things marble cake yeah no you know when the sugar like goes all shiny because the way it's like cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth like that's what I wanted to taste like oh now I'm confused like sort of glazed like with the yeah you know almond nuts yeah mm-hmm you know sometimes they put like a sugar coating on them yes yeah okay and then they're like yeah

34:23James Acaster: yeah a little shell yeah shell it's another yeah Of course. It's all about that, yeah. It's like a really thick poppadum. Yeah. With glazing. Yeah. Okay. And what about to be custard? Like if someone got a poppadum and put like crispy cream glaze on it. Yes. Like if you put it through the glaze curtain. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's hardened. The whole thing's like hard. Yeah. I want to do this and then... Royal icing, I think. It might be like royal icing. Yeah. I think about like crispy cream glaze now on a poppadum. You said crispy cream, actually. I did say that earlier. Yeah. And earlier I struggled with to be custard.

34:56James Acaster: Yeah. all these words now are confusing me would you go through the glaze curtain yeah absolutely yeah if someone at Krispy Kreme was like laid down on that conveyor belt absolutely you just go through the glaze absolutely and be covered in it yeah are you laying on it on your back on your front on my back because my front I've got a bit of a hairy chest hair's just complicated the glaze would be an absolute nightmare we've all been there it's a nightmare yeah yeah getting it out do you know what I mean I think that at this point in my life I've never had a hairy chest my back's hairier than my front yeah is it yeah I think so wow man you wear that like a badge of honour yeah rarely that's a vibe rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there but when I do I'm like that's the last place you want someone to be sick exactly much rather go Barrymore get it out of my chest get it out of my chest get that fizzy sick on my chest for God's sake Barrymore Pepsi vomit harder to get out than glazing yeah yeah that is very hard I'd imagine going for the Michael Barrymore Vom Curtain.

36:00James Acaster: Get a conveyor belt. They've rigged Barrymore up. He's had 10 Pepsi Maxes. We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be cool. This episode will be the Michael Barrymore Vom Curtain. Yeah, the Vom Curtain. Yeah. So yeah, Dream Starter. Yeah. What's Tubby Custard tasting like, do you think? Sweet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, it would be gunge, wouldn't it? like you just be eating yeah we want sweet we don't want it too sweet so you can have loads of it I think like again you know the you know the crispy cream filling kind of donut filling like that but pink yeah do you know what I mean nice I like this

36:47your dream main course so growing up yeah we had we had a lot of Asian food but But every now and again, my mom would make English food, right? And it was our favorite day, right? And my mom's English food, she'd make one thing when it was English food day. And she'd get penne pasta, a whole block of butter, can of beans, can of sweet corn. There's your English food. And it tasted like happiness. It was amazing. And I've not had that since I was a kid. so I would have that English food English food do you think if you had it now your forefathers had it right? the pene pasta quintessential the pasta of course the most British of things the most British of things

37:38James Acaster: Heinz is actually quite British the beans were baked beans that's what I assumed oh yeah baked beans like canned baked beans kind of baked beans no one's only soaking overnight do you know what I mean? the baked beans is the sauce right? exactly and when you mix it with the butter it's oh it's heaven man yeah do you think it would taste as good now if you had it now or do you think it was because it was the big treat when you were a kid I think it would still taste good because put a block of butter in anything it would taste good I think it was the butter that made it let's face it even if you put it in sweet corn baked beans and panne pasta yeah no I would yeah yeah no no no no guys don't knock it till you try it because the baked beans were soft but the sweet one gave a little bite so it had all the texture it's actually like I bet if they did a culinary culinary culinary culinary that's the word isn't it yeah sorry I mean it is English food so colonially yeah yeah I think that's what we would do quite well if they did a colonially test right I bet there would be a thing of like the sort of five textures that a food makes that makes food satisfying yeah and that dish has everything like it ticks all the boxes I think all the textures there are softer salt, acid, fat, heat a lot of people say it's what you need all of the elements of things that you need salt's definitely in there definitely got salt yeah you got a bit of a mush you got a bit of a bite I don't know where the bite is they all sound soft to me the sweet corn the sweet corn sounds soft to me I'm going to say that no no no it's not slow cooked clams she's she literally banged it in mix here you go she was busy she had three jobs yeah yeah and is she doing more cooking throughout the week is like more efforts going into the other dishes throughout the week.

39:23Not really, no. No. So what sort of, what are you having on the rest of the days, the Asian days? We had a lot of lentils. We had rice. Another when she was busy and couldn't be out. Mama was a terrible cook. She'd get a chapati roti and believe it or not, she wasn't a train chef. Margarine, sugar, roti. Wow. that sounds quite nice yeah I'd still enjoy that yeah yeah it was great but like do you know what now that I say it sounds quite like pauper food back in the day it was not it was like it was you know it was a treat when we got to do that now it just sounds it sounds like bare minimum survival food now doesn't it it's still tasty though I mean

40:07James Acaster: also this English day is really funny that you'll be excited for English day I love that it's English day you're excited about it and it's a made up dish that is mainly pasta so how about English is the problem but I really love it it's fairy the logic is if it's not Asian it's English food yes do you know what I mean like we could be having noodles you'd be like it's so English yeah yeah and also because you're you're excited for it because it's the thing that you don't have most of the time it's the novelty yeah yeah except for when we got to like 15 then my mum would always start these like randomised businesses she was a hustler you know yeah so she once she started a catering business but she'd always be stuffing like she had no experience in yeah So she bought loads of like frozen food and it was the same, you know, the same company who sells meals to schools.

40:54So it'd be like the hash browns you'd get at school, the mashed potato mix you'd get at school. Like it was that. And yeah, so when we were like, I had to cook for ourselves, we just like, we had this massive freezer. School dinners at home. Yeah, all beige. Yeah. All beige. I ate really badly growing up. I'm not going to lie. It does sound like it. Are you putting any like cheese on top of the pasta baked beans? sweet corn the English food the English food sorry yeah it depends sometimes we'd have like you know the weak grated cheddar in the fridge yeah but that is very English very English so that's literally Audi like grated cheese that goes off in like a day yeah yeah very English and it's covered in this weird dust to try and keep it fresh yeah yeah what even is it yeah English it's English I would like to try this dish I would like to try it you can't say this immigrant family didn't simulate into this country.

41:49James Acaster: That is what we would normally say. We will edit that in after you've left. Yeah, yeah. But we'll make it look like we said it to your face so people don't get us on it. Yeah, that's our catchphrase. We said it to his face, so you didn't have a problem. You've had a, you just had a drink out of your bottle of water. Now, I hope you don't mind me picking you up on this. You did it a few times. You, when you drink out of a bottle, I've noticed, you make sure your lips don't touch the bottle. Is that fair? well when in school we used to all share like a bottle of water that's what it is it's sharing at school that's the technique yeah Panda Pops you sky it yeah I think the word I heard most in school would be backwash because they'd be like don't backwash it don't backwash it my drink exactly man it was a big thing it was a big thing and I feel like these days we've lost a sense of community and everyone's got their own drinks do you know what I mean we're all on our own screens we're all on our own bottle of water and actually parts to kind of pop round yo yeah because you're constantly thinking about what if someone wants a sip of this what if one of us Benito for example wanted a sip of that drink you're like I want to be able to hand it to them well consciously not but that must be it but now I'm like yeah you're still in the commune in your head I'm still in the commune do you want a bit of mould?

43:03Ben said no why have I been backwashed? it didn't backwashed you saw it it didn't backwashed you could have that tea all to yourself you greedy little boy selfish selfish

43:18James Acaster: your dream side dish will this be English as well will this be so quintessentially English heads up my dream menu is very English yeah so far I've so far all of it is very English the tummy custard I've got a moment it's obvious it's British yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely exploiting cleaners on no wages very English

43:46okay so the greatest pleasure food wise already made me laugh the greatest pleasure

43:57James Acaster: Moran's chair just went all the way down for the listener we haven't had this before but the chair you set me up I think Benito did not set you up I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointed at your forehead. I'm just going to say like this. I think these chairs might be related to Nunu. It's a similar kind of device. God, I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's going to be. Yeah, the clip's going to be when your chair fucked up. Just disappearing out of frame. Do you do this? It's like power play, man.

44:31Yeah, it's a power play. You get in people's heads. I swear I didn't do anything. You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow. I don't trust you. But we've all, we've rigged that up. Yeah. What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about? Your side dish. My side dish is the greatest pleasure. Some reason I've like, just lost hope in life. You know what I mean? Sure. You know what I mean? Greatest pleasure, and you just deflate. Yeah. Go home now. Okay, no. You know, if you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side that's a bit burnt, the pan's creeping. Yeah. I want a whole plate of that.

45:05That's a good... Oh, this is good. It's the best bit. Fuck, it happened again. Did you touch anything? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you touch anything on the chair?

45:16James Acaster: I think you might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out. Right. I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure, then cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer for greatest pleasure. Certainly. And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese scrapings. A whole plate of that. Yeah. And I want it done like a fancy meal, right? So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little centre tiny bit a little basil on top or something a little squiggly sauce line do you know what I mean?

45:50I don't want it to look like dregs but it's like dregs made to look like some fancy Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from? Yeah a pasta a pasta a lasagna? Like a really English lasagna Yeah

46:05James Acaster: Are we in? I was going to say London and we are so let's know the riff doesn't really work if you said are we in London are we in London yes we are in London I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said are we in London are we in London see you later the worst riff I've ever done are we in London get that on a t-shirt yeah so that like scrapey scrapey that's great on the plate when you've got the fancy thing are you having them like you know how people put the triple cooked chips and they do them in like a Jenga tower-y kind of way. Is that how you're getting the scrapings up? Are you lining them up?

46:48James Acaster: Scrapey, scrapey. Are you lining them up in twos in like a little tower? I imagined them like a pyramid. Like a fortune of our shape. Yeah. Like a sort of little tower pyramid. A pyramid of Scrapey's Grapey. Yeah. With a little garnish on top. Nice. And maybe even it has a fancy name. Like Dragondare. Dragondare. Dragondare. Dragondare. Dreg on der. Dreg on der. Yeah, yeah. It's like the dregs. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what on der means. On the plate. On the plate. Dreg on the plate. Dreg on the plate. Yeah. This is my dream side dish. Yeah, I like the Dreg on der. Is there a particular cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of?

47:28Or is it like a mix of cheeses? Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into? It's the one that begins with E. E-dam? E-dam. Because it melts well, isn't it? I don't think I've ever melted Edam is it Edam? I think it is it's one of the Swiss ones Emmental Emmental that shit is good you can have Scrapey Scrapey Emmental

47:53James Acaster: that was part of a lasagna yes who do you want to eat the lasagna because obviously you're not getting that you're getting just the Scrapey from it who do you want to eat you send that to someone to eat it because we've got to get rid of it. We're not going to throw that away. We don't like wasting the dream. Or do you want Nunu to suck it up? Oh, fuck it. No, no, not go to waste. Well, you know what you did. What? Do you want Nunu to suck it up? Anyway, so we're not having Nunu suck the lasagna up. No, I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean? Who do you want to eat? We've got a table at the other end of the restaurant.

48:27Someone's there.

48:28James Acaster: Who's there? Do you know what I just send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean? She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying, oh this is my favourite new English dish she'd be like where's the sweet corn and the baked beans they fucked this one up big time yeah your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day and I want to eat it don't say I want to eat it so much I think it sounds delicious I think it sounds delicious would like ink as the sauce I don't know if ink was the sauce actually I should have asked Fraser can hear us he's in the opposite room Fraser apologies I didn't ask you what the sauce was but maybe it's ink as the sauce but I don't know man cuttlefish cuttlefish is nice it's like really white and meaty right yeah I've only had it recently I think it's delicious yeah but lasagna though lasagna is all layering cuttlefish like bits of cuttlefish in a layer it's a layer thing that's what's putting you off yeah man if you're going to layer something you need it needs to be spreadable do you know what I mean this is like cuttlefish is like little bit to me I don't know it just feels wrong I know what you mean unless you're like putting in a blender and turning it into something like mince.

49:37James Acaster: I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, I feel like I didn't hold up my end of the conversation. You've really dropped Fraser in it here. Fraser, I've dropped you in it so bad. I'm sorry, man. Have you ever had Parmesan crisps? No. You know when... Oh, yeah. So grated Parmesan, put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly. So it's basically posh cheese scrapings. Perfect. And you can buy them from like... I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods. We can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps. Amazing. This sounds great. I'm obsessed with making the by-product the main meal.

50:07Yeah. I think that's really good. Custard, right? Yeah. The skin is the best bit. Now, I know this divides people.

50:14James Acaster: I know it divides people. I need just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued. I wouldn't say no to that. Right? I did a... I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin. Yeah. So, I did a thing where I basically got custard and put it out in a tray. So, it was like a centimeter thin. and it was all skin, right? But it didn't work because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again and I fanned it. Didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to like stay hotter for longer. I can say this right now.

50:50James Acaster: I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think... No, you're like Heston Blumenthal. This is great. But carry on. I want to hear the rest of it but this is astonishing. Because if I didn't do it a third time then what... That I'd question my life decisions even more. Do you know what I mean? Like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know what I mean? Do all the variables, get the Bunsen burner out. Do you know what I mean? So what I did, I put it on, like, I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath and it worked. Wow. This is why you're a success. This is why I'm a success.

51:22This is why I want a bathtub. Why didn't you shout out custard skin in your speech? You should have. I should have.

51:34Your dream drink. Okay, this is a bit cheeky of me, yeah? But there's this drink called Faluda, yeah? Which is actually a dessert. But the logic I'm thinking, it looks like an Asian dessert, right? And it's got like, it looks like a pink ramen. Oh, yeah. Right? It's got rose water and rose milk. Yeah. And then what looks like noodles, but it's actually vermicelli. Okay, so like very thin noodles. Yeah, yeah. And then it's got basil seeds. Where'd you get those hoodoos? Do you know what I mean? It's so specific. And then a dollop of ice cream. How have I never heard of this? Yeah, this sounds up your straight.

52:13Far Luda. It's the gayest drink you'll ever drink. It's amazing.

52:17James Acaster: Yes, please. Wow. Like fluorescent pink. And what's the ice cream? What kind of ice cream is it? Oh, so pistachio goes really well. But you know, if you want to be a bit more tame, you can do like vanilla and stuff. But you want pistachio for your drink? I want pistachio, man. It's green and pink. Nice, isn't it? this sounds good I like this a lot and some people might say oh but that's a dessert more well my logic is if McDonald's can give you a freaking what's it milkshake milkshake thank you that English word that I always forget then I'm sorry I can have a faluda with my cheese scrapings yeah I think I had this I actually think I had this last week what on my birthday faluda I think I had this you just said how have I not had this and now you're saying you had it last week well then I just thought about it well you know you did because you've already said you've not had it A Gymkhana.

53:03James Acaster: I think I had it at Gymkhana. I think I did because they bought the desserts out and they didn't... It was like set menu. And I think it was... I just run through everything that Mawande said and I was like, well, that's actually what I... I think that's what I had. Fluorescent pink with noodles on the side. It had what looked like verba shelly noodles in it. Yeah. It had like a dollop of ice cream in the top. That's what I had. Great, man. You had a far luther, man. I had it. Yeah, man. So how did you not know that immediately when Mawande was describing it? Because sometimes when you're hearing something be described, it doesn't completely connect and also because he didn't know what he was having I'm right he's just checked the website yeah yeah I had it I believe you it's just a mad ton of events no he didn't know what was happening to him so that's why I didn't know what was happening to me if you meet Billy Ocean but you don't know who Billy Ocean is you ain't gonna remember it in a week but someone was like he looks like this you'd be like oh maybe I met Billy Ocean so did that happen to you?

53:50yeah you met Billy Ocean but I could not tell you

53:53James Acaster: what he looks like yeah yeah yeah sure it's hard isn't it I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like you know that's on him we should have worked harder yeah I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean I feel like every year Billy Ocean gets put down the league table of famous Billies what is he a singer yeah surely yeah is he hmm who's the who's who is it who turns up in like the final kind of the finale of the wedding singer on the plane is that Billy Ocean no it's Billy Idol that's Billy Idol see there's Billy Idol there's obviously now Billy Eilish so Billy Idol's probably annoyed whoa yeah if I was Billy Idol I'd be like well at least I was in that scene in Wedding Singer because that's people are going to watch that for years Billy Joel obviously so you know Billy Joel's ahead of everyone Billy Bobby Brown no I'm thinking Millie Bobby Brown which is Billy Bobby Brown a teenager Billy Bobby Brown Billy Bobby Brown yeah yeah who was a country singer yeah who's pissed off at Millie yeah gotta be gotta be annoyed but then also you look at the ocean thing Frank Ocean beating Billy Ocean absolutely these days no one's talking about Billy everyone's talking about Frank I'm talking about Billy yeah but you didn't even know if he was a singer or not and you didn't realise it when you met him but I'm talking about him you're my favourite chef ever yeah is there a place where you've had the best Faluda ever where it's like that's where you should go to get it there's a chain restaurant called Ambala and I grew up in Newford and they would have this like giant fish tank and they would like a fountain of water go around and like it was like an event and they did amazing for our Luther and you know everything's fresh as well do you know what I mean yeah I think they've gone down the pan a bit now oh yeah yeah that's a shame well they were known for also putting have you ever had edible foil no you've not had edible foil for the listener that wasn't the chair going down again that was that was my heart ratio yeah okay no edible foil okay they do it on Indian sweets right it's like it literally looks like foil but it's edible I can't believe it does it function as foil as well?

56:03it's very thin could you wrap up leftovers and take them home in it? it's very thin but I reckon if they made it a bit thicker yeah yeah yeah because that would be the shit do you know what I mean? like I'm keeping my cod insulated and I can eat the insulation just eat the whole thing I don't even have to unwrap this that's such a vibe and then you'd like pull it out at work out your Tupperware and everyone would be like he crazy he eating the foil and you're like that's just like I'm crazy does it taste of anything the edible foil is it sweet no it tastes of nothing yeah it tastes of nothing that's pretty cool but you literally you can make anything look like space food you can make it like you could put it on anything yeah it has to be a flat surface though because then it struggles to and you get it like you know like gold leaf you peel it off yes yeah you get it like that stick it on peel it off great

56:51James Acaster: magic man I'm actually quite surprised you haven't got space food on it I would have thought you were the kind of guy from judging by your menu so far that you would chuck space food in there that you'd want to try some space food I don't really fuck with space no? no it's a bit overwhelming and like and then also just that whole astronaut thing I'm like I don't know if I want to eat out of a tube man yeah do you know what I mean how are you going to put cheese scrapings into a into a toothpaste tube you're not like that food will never taste good do you you into it? I think I would I did but they have dried stuff don't they?

57:25James Acaster: I mean won't surprise anyone but I had the astronaut ice cream once I went to some like museum like a space thing yeah it might have even been the NASA one and like had like the ice cream it was alright it's fun to eat it little Neapolitan astronaut powdered ice cream thing sure sure sure you'd get fed up with it if you're an astronaut wouldn't you yeah exactly man novelty in a museum okay yeah but like you know if you're asking me about my dream meal yeah I'm sorry why would I make a dream meal out of people what people have to do because they're compromised with gravity like it's a necessity it's not a luxury yeah I watched an interview yesterday with Ridley Scott because he's it's Oscar season and and he wants to win something and they talked to him about The Martian and he's like you they said to him would you ever go to space he said he said I don't fuck with space he went no I'm not crazy and that was it that was the answer he gave but he was talking about The Martian and he was like I got the script and I was like this is a comedy and everyone was saying to me, no, this is like a serious drama.

58:26James Acaster: This is like a tense film. And I was like, this is a comedy. The guy eats potatoes growing from his own dump. I don't think I hear Ridley Scott say dump. I thought he's shit or poo. Growing from his own dump. Growing from his own dump. Wow. That's the director saying that. That's Ridley Scott. Imagine getting that note as an actor. In the potato scene, just being like, yeah, just like laugh at it a bit more. Find it funny that you're like. Remember you're eating your own dump. Yeah, it's hilarious. yeah yeah no I'd be in a space film I'd be I'd love to be in a space film it's like simulated like all that shit great I think you'd be if you were in Armageddon say and you were like part of the crew do you think you'd make it to the end of the film or do you think you'd die it's like Owen Wilson it's just like dead so quick in that mission yeah man I worry I would be dead very quickly although they say when you're like under you know it's amazing what you can achieve in it when you when you really put your head to it I always identified with like the stoner in those films you know like in the horror films who die quite early on but have a good time doing it do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah they're never stressed they die they die stoned right in horror films they're always really chilled out I'm okay with that you know yeah yeah I'm okay with that so you like just greet greet the alien and then get killed yeah just life's so stressful actually if the world really went to shit I'd like to think that actually I'd just be like do you know what it's out of my control yeah do you know what I mean

59:52your dream dessert here we are no do you know what the best cake I ever ever tasted right my dream start to a sentence

1:00:00James Acaster: oh first series of juice there was a scene where I'm eating I bite into Russell Tovey's arm and his cake such a TV cliche and how many times has Tovey done that as well he's like great I'm cake again every show god I'm time fast my arm's made of cake yeah is it cake but is it Russell Tobey or is it cake Toby should go on that show huh they should bring him out on that is it cake show it was a very long shoot day I think he's scarred from the day where he had to be cake because also because we had to do resets right so they made like three three okay so we had this cake and it looked exactly like his bicep right so already delicious you know like the veins and everything like colour matched it was incredible and they painted and everything yeah yeah yeah do you think the person making the cake they were like here's the person you're going to be making the cake look like they were like oh for fuck's sake he's so ripped there's like loads of stuff to do whereas it'd be so much easier if it was just like my arm and they'd be like just looks like a cake anyway we should get roly polies yeah yeah just get a jam roly polies you've got loads of tattoos though yeah we just paint a roly polie that's not too difficult is it paint a roly polie with all your all your different tats there's no veins there's no veins man my veins are inside my arm where they should be yeah if anything yeah yeah no it would have been simpler actually it would have been cheaper because I think it cost 6 ,000 pounds or something stupid yeah but it was worth it but we had to do like obviously several takes and stuff so I was like oh this is going to be the worst cake I've ever tasted it's a prop cake yeah yeah and it was the best thing I've ever tasted something that looks like an arm when you buy into it and it was I don't even like Victoria sponge yeah It was incredible.

1:01:47The jam was just jamming. The buttery top was just buttery topping. It was just moist. It was so good, man. So is that like expectation versus reality? Maybe it was that.

1:01:59James Acaster: Yeah. But that's your memory of the cake. It was absolutely delicious. It was good though, man. And was the outside like a fondant kind of thing? It was like a marzipan type thing. Okay. Yeah. And like flesh colored, you know what I mean? We shot it in, that was in the winter. he wasn't tanned you know it was a pasty old looking thing sorry Russell sorry Russell the bicep was lovely yeah but you know how you want your food to look sure and it was just just shock of it and then also the scene is like me like falling in love with him and that's how I know I'm in love with this man because he tastes amazing and and so that like it was no acting involved man I was like how many takes did you do?

1:02:39we only did two sadly yeah and there was more but I just I had And they're two different arms that you took bites out of, I take it. Two different arms. Did the crew eat the rest of the arm? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Because I had to go straight into another scene and then there was no more cake. Yeah. Got it. Everyone loved it. Straight into another... And they didn't save you any? Nah, can you believe? That's crazy. I mean, to be fair, I wasted two with like massive bite marks in it. Do you know what I mean? So I'm like, they probably had the drinks anyway. They can cut around those bite marks.

1:03:06James Acaster: This is mad because James did Bake Off with Russell Tovey. I did. Me and Tovey were on Bake Off together. Oh, yeah. maybe he was made of cake that could have saved me some time I could have just let over cut Tove's arm off presented it to Paul Hollywood done there you go bite into that it's a lot nicer than it looks yeah exactly don't be fooled by the veins yeah yeah I'd have got the handshake or I could have just shook his hand with Tove's arm with his arm there we go just held it up Hollywood handshake instead it was the worst day of my life do you want when the cake is presented to you at the dream meal do you want it to be just a disembodied arm cake or do you want it to be attached to Russell?

1:03:43I want Russell on the table. Yeah, yeah.

1:03:45James Acaster: Russell's on the table. A little bit of basil? Basil? Well, you put a little bit of basil on top of the cheese scraping. Does that taste nice? We could just put a little bit of basil on Russell Tovey? Mint. A little bit of mint on Russell. Mint on Tovey. Whereabouts do you want to put the mint? Do you know what would be nice when I was just the little palm of his hand? The little palm of his hand so he's like presenting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like some kind of weird pagan ceremony. Yeah, yeah. and we'd hang out it wouldn't be weird we'd hang out we'd chat like we're you know just hanging out as mates right but he would have to like pose in the thing because I think the whole it was the whole it was the whole atmosphere as well and it was like action and then you're doing this thing and you're in bed and you're like you know and I think that everything contributed to making it tasty which that's why I do think like for like food is a four dimensional experience it's about all the senses and so Russell Tovey's arm cake Russell Tovey's arm cake well I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

1:04:42This is a great menu. Quite looking forward to reading this back.

1:04:44James Acaster: Still water. You would like a stack of popnoms with all the dips. And you're going to just be biting them whole. Starter, you want tubby toast with a tubby custard dip. When you put it like that. Sounds like a juvenile. Main course, English food. Side dish, you would like cheese scrapings on a massive plate with a garnish. No. It has a name, thank you. Sorry, you would like a dragonda. Dragondor plate. Dragondor. God, it's like your summer culture. Drink for Luda. Dessert. Russell Tovey's bicep cake. Mint. A little bit mint in the palm. Now, that's a menu. That is a menu. That's good, isn't it?

1:05:24James Acaster: That is very good. That's good. I'd eat it. I would want to eat all of that. I'd like a slice of the Tovey arm for sure. I really want to try the Tovey arm. I do want to see what the tubby custard and tubby toast actually tastes like. Cheese scrapings all day long. Cheese scrapings, absolutely. All day long. and the English food I'm not going to say I'm not you know curious about that either I do want to know what that tastes like well that's the one we can recreate at home quite easily because we're English yeah because we're English because you're English we've got all the ingredients yeah exactly it's in your blood yeah yeah we know how to make that don't you worry fantastic menu thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant anytime man

1:06:05well there we go what a what a menu We should have known that menu would have been pinging around all over the place, James. If a man puts helium in an egg,

1:06:15James Acaster: they're going to order that food. Although he didn't order helium in an egg. He didn't order helium in an egg. Thank God, because that was the secret ingredient. But I mean what I said. I'll try all of that. Yeah, I mean the main course is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's hilarious. Yeah, I don't need to try that because I know what all the ingredients taste like. You don't think it'd be nice? No. I think it would be comforting. I saw where he was coming from. It was nostalgia for him. It was comfort. And I could see how maybe if you were in a rush and you put all those things together, it would fill you up.

1:06:45I mean, that would fill me up for days.

1:06:47James Acaster: Yeah. I mean, it's something that I would never eat, but because of how much Moran clearly loves it, I did want to try it just because of the joy it clearly gave him because it's English food. Yes, yeah, it's English food. And we should know really what it tastes like. We should know what it tastes like as Englishman. But the cheese scrapings, stroke a genius for me. I would also try the custard skin. considering the amount of effort that went into make, I mean, what a guy. Yeah. Spending the whole day doing that, but getting it right. We've all been in situations where we've got a writing deadline and instead we try and do something like that, right?

1:07:18James Acaster: Do anything else to just, anything but writing. Yeah. Just put it off. I told you, I made a carrot cake the night before Mock the Wheat once. Yeah, that was why all of your scenes we'd like to see were about carrot cake. About carrot cake, yeah. Or riffs on. Yeah, and I was covered in crumbs. You were covered in crumbs. Crummy gamble. Crummy gamble. Juice Series 2 is out soon on BBC3 and iPlayer. Ooh, lovely stuff. Ed, I guess that's off-menu done for another week. Yes. We'll see the listeners next week for more food-related hijinks. I don't like that. Huh? You're being all professional. I think it's fine.

1:07:52James Acaster: This is like new year, new vibe. People don't know that when we're recording this, this is like January. Yeah. I'm trying to be professional now. Yeah, but it's not the first one we've recorded in January, and you weren't professional for those. But that was what I was thinking, Joe, and I was like, Joe, what, man? you gotta up your game yeah you know Ed does so many podcasts now he's so professional yeah you gotta show him that like you know you're professional too yeah and he and cause I worry you know every time you leave I say to Benito he's gonna leave me he's gonna leave me he's gonna he's gonna continue to do the other podcasts full time no way man and I need to show him that I'm professional that I'm worth staying with I will do this podcast forever oh I was hoping we could quit fairly soon no way man I don't think forever I don't think we need to say forever Well there we go We've made it unprofessional at the end See you next week Bye