Michelle Wolf

0:00James Acaster: Howdy folks, this episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head, the fryer's turkey breast. Imagine a backyard tradition. A sun-drenched afternoon, a massive vat of bubbling oil, and a man named Big Dave wearing goggles. It's a lot of effort for a bird. It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter? Well, I'd say, James, you finally lost it, and I think you lost it a while ago, but this is beyond the pale. Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep-fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden fried glory of the friar's turkey breast, but without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.

0:42Oh man, that sounds genuinely incredible.

0:44James Acaster: Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The friar's turkey breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried. Ball's Head, committed to craft since 1905.

1:18Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the dirty martini of conversation, stuffing the blue cheese of chat into the big fat olives of humour and dropping those bad boys into the dirty martini.

1:35James Acaster: Sorry, everyone listening. Now it's a filthy martini. We're doing these visually now, so I'm trying to give it a bit more pizzazz at the top. Yeah, yeah, we're trying to give it as much. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acas. So together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever. Start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Michelle Wolfe. Michelle Wolfe what a comedian Michelle Wolfe is James such a phenomenal comic I remember the first time Michelle Wolfe did Edinburgh and everyone was talking about her that was the first time I got introduced to Michelle's comedy she took the city by storm yeah and has only gone on to better and better things since everyone loves Michelle Wolfe and she's about to do her show The Best Job in the World round the UK June, July and you can get tickets from punchup.live forward slash Michelle Wolfe very excited to see Michelle hear her dream menu but of course if Michelle does choose a secret ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable we'll be forced to kick Michelle Wolf out of the dream restaurant now you've picked this one James yes this week the secret ingredient is Wolf Cola which is something from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia which Michelle was not in no but Michelle's surname is Wolf Wolf yes and I do get the connection so when I think about Wolf this is what I think of is Wolf Cola which is the cola I don't think it actually exists it's a fake brand of cola for humour it's for humour Invented by Danny DeVito's character.

2:54James Acaster: But even in the world of Always Sunny, it doesn't exist. Like Frank has invented it when he's pretending to be Dr. Mantis' toboggan. And he says that he, you know, he's selling wolf cola. Yes. So if Michelle picks that... I'll have to explain that. Yeah. Or she'll know about it, I guess. Well, yeah, she's not going to pick it. She's not going to say wolf cola. What's that from? Yeah, yeah. She'll know it. Yeah. So I'll say, you should have known better. You're out. Yeah. Get out. You're out of here. Get out of here, Michelle. but hopefully that won't happen I'm pretty sure I think we can be pretty positive it's not going to happen yeah yeah yeah I'm going on tour as well yeah it must be said 2027 fresh hell fresh hell edgamble.co.uk for tickets very exciting Ed looking forward to seeing that show thanks man me too I'm looking forward to chatting to Michelle Wolfe this is the off menu menu of Michelle Wolfe

3:54Welcome, Michelle, to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Michelle Wolf, to the dream restaurant.

4:01James Acaster: I've been expecting you for some time. Thanks. Sorry, my reactions are... I really... I feel like I don't even know where I am. I've literally been with both of my children for like two straight weeks with no help. And then I traveled and the flat is a mess. and it's just I forgot to I brought the one baby to the studio and I didn't bring diapers or wipes like the essentials that you need for I remember the baby and that's it yeah and then you guys were very nice and you offered me cake and that's the first thing I've eaten all day today it's what time is it two one it's quarter past two yeah that's the first thing I've eaten I'm running on coffee and yeah hope this this is how we like our guests slightly on edge yeah yeah we want we want you to you on the verge of just going fully insane that's to the point where you guys just welcomed me and i was very much like what's happening yeah it was like you properly were in another dimension all of a sudden like you've been zapped into this dimension yeah like having an adult conversation yeah and it was ed's birthday cake which i think is it's like having cake is the first thing you've eaten all day and it's gone two o 'clock it's one thing but it being birthday cake is even like yeah that's even worse and i had a part of a birthday cake that you haven't even had yet i greedily started your cake well you know you checked you checked before i did you said i can't just be polite you know but no i'm not polite around food if i if i thought i want to start that i would say to you absolutely not keep your hands off that yeah good this is mine to start yes he's not polite no not a polite guy not the food yeah thank you james with other things he's a gentleman yeah food just knock it out of your hands yeah absolutely don't like sharing yeah don't want any of that really not a food sharer well i i feel like i've had to become a food sharer because i'd say what 90 of restaurants are now small plates sharing concepts yeah so i have i have to be i have to be a sharer right but i'd rather get two of the same small plate and have one one to myself right okay yeah well i'm the exact opposite if i never had to order a full meal this was a very stressful thing for me to pick out my menu yeah because i'm not i love a i love a bits i love to have let's just order a bunch of stuff and we'll all have some of it yes i don't i think i don't get asked out to dinner a lot because i don't i i'm like let's just all share who who's having their own meal i don't want give me a little bit of everything yeah if i i if my my real dream meal is past hors d 'oeuvres just standing around having pleasant conversation with two or three people that i could walk away from yeah so your dream meal you want to be standing standing with small bites of food being handed to me yeah at intervals that i have no control over michelle we've done hundreds of episodes of this podcast no one has ever said they want to be stood up for their dream meal yeah the first one yeah well there we go yeah i guess that i guess that's why you have the best job in the world yes the best job well you love standing up well done what a segue that is i mean it's amazing isn't it top-notch segue to my new hour of stand-up that i will be touring here in england i'm supposed to say just england because i'm not going to other parts of the uk yet okay um and And best job in the world, my new hour, slightly unhinged because I'm flailing.

7:36I am holding it together barely, but it's together. And that's the important thing.

7:43James Acaster: Well, you and I were doing back-to-back work-in-progress shows in London last year. And I would arrive all week. I'd arrive and I'd hear the last few, like 10 minutes of your show, every time raising the roof well thank you that was work in progress so this is going to be and I'm presuming you're sort of raising the roof throughout the whole hour James' insinuation there was the last 10 minutes it's not an insinuation that's all I heard well I mean I was about to say that I would hope the last 10 minutes are good it's the middle part that's always the if you know like start strong I'd just love it if you were doing 50 minutes of pure silence and every time James arrived that was the exact moment that the roof came off I just had someone run in from the theatre and be like, James is going to be here.

8:29Act happy. Start talking.

8:35James Acaster: Have you done UK tours before? England tours before? I've only ever done, I've done like London, Manchester, like the standard American comes over and does places. You've done the Fringe before. I've done the Fringe. And yeah, this is my first time going to other places. And when I put it on tour, people were also like, are you going to come further north? Because I'm not traveling that far. But the reason is, is because I'm basing myself in London and I have a toddler and a five month old and I'm only traveling to places I can go up and back. Yeah, yes. In one, you know, one go. So I will, as soon as they get older, I promise I will go away from them for as long as I can, really.

9:18I will travel, I will stay in a hotel by myself and it'll be a dream. Well, Michelle already went somewhere else and watched her talk to a faraway look in your eyes. I can't even imagine. Oh man, they sleep with me. It's really, this is a vacation. Right now it's a vacation for me. They're both in the bed with you. They're both in the bed with me. Wow, yeah, yeah. And one, I nursed the one and then the toddler's over there just desperately trying to play with my belly button. I don't know what it is. Just like, and it doesn't, I don't know. You might think, you might think, oh, that's nothing, but it's really weird and invasive.

10:04And it's just all the time. Yeah. You know? Yeah, now I think about it. I mean, I very rarely think about my belly button. Right. So if someone's constantly, like, it's like prodding away at the belly button, you're very aware you have a belly button then. And I can imagine that's quite uncomfortable. Yeah. and just like really digging in there you know you got any yeah i've got an innie i'm almost regretfully at this point i have an innie because if i had an audi i feel like it might feel a bit better but the innie is just a little tiny little finger i've been talking about this on stage i i don't think i've seen an outie for maybe 25 years no i think if you have an outie you had a you had someone who was pretending to be a doctor deliver you and that's how they cut the umbilical cord and it was just a they were in a rush yeah it was just it wasn't a it wasn't yeah they just were like

10:53James Acaster: yeah yeah I guess I don't know yeah because they can make out it's like because you talk about innies and outies and like you forget that it's just it's not just how you were born yeah it's just some doc yeah some doc slipping away and going that's what there you go but have you seen an outie and like I don't hear about outies anymore at school like I heard about you know I was obsessed with like who's got an innie who's got an outie right I feel like we're in an episode of Severance but yeah I haven't seen an outie yeah did we imagine if we just imagined maybe we just imagined the Mandela effect I feel yeah I feel like it was something we talked about in the schoolyard all the time and I don't know if anyone had one yeah it was like Jets v Sharks yeah the innies and outies yeah yeah what have I got you gotta check your own I think mine's flush you're a robot mate I'm a robot I'm Hayley Joel Osborne it's my on and off button yeah yeah little button there um are you a foodie you much of a foodie i am and i'm not at the same time like i like i'm from the middle of pennsylvania um but then my brother became a chef and so like i didn't have real green beans like we had canned like tinned green beans until i don't know i i don't think i had like a fresh green bean until i was in my 20s so growing up i was very much just like this is what we eat and then my brother became a chef and now it's like oh look how many types of cheeses there are you know like um and i don't know and so i i've been to some really nice restaurants and had some very very excellent food and then also i i i don't know i love like stuff that's not really food you know it's just a bunch of chemicals talk us talk us through some of these things what are your favorite not foods oh my gosh uh this the brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts oh right yeah yeah they're absolutely delicious um i love uh a cheese curl um with the you know the puffy ones not like the cheetos right yeah yeah that really covered in like sort of dust yeah like luminous sort of cheese dust in America recently and I was very excited at the cinema that you could get a mixture of toffee pop, like caramel popcorn and cheese popcorn, very excited about that and it tasted nice but then I looked at my hand after having it just completely orange and I don't know if I got the smell out for like two days that's the smell that's not going anywhere no it's not, because it's not it's a chemically made product first of all, what movie did you see?

13:29James Acaster: I was watching the new um i was watching the bone temple what is the bone the new 28 days later okay okay yeah um also i saw your clip on seth meyers um and that was you said one of the funniest things i've heard in a very long time which was the um uh he made a dog come yeah yeah that was yes so so funny and also i used to work with seth i used to write on his show i didn't he was my boss um i made it sound like we were partners uh and the amount i know he thought it was funny but also was probably like i can't i can't run with this yeah i can't riff off the back of this yeah he's like he doesn't know how to i don't feel like like i remember one time i wrote a joke for him that said something about it i don't even think it said i think it referred to periods and he like dropped the paper on the ground.

14:24Like, it was, it's just, he gets really like, you know? And so, watching you say, made a dog come, and then his reaction, and then hearing Mike Shoemaker laugh in the background, who's the producer, I was just like, this is the best, this is the best clip I've seen on the internet in years. And now you know, his hand stunk of cheese when that was happening.

14:47James Acaster: My hand stunk of cheese. Next time I go on, I'm doing a period joke. 100%. I heard you just got your period straight away. My favorite bit was the incredibly specific reference to Americans loving Dishu. That was before it started going well. It was a tough gig until I was set up about making the dog come. That isn't a very American thing. Because I don't know, it got to like American TikTok or something like that. But this is what I thought. Yeah. I thought every time our American friends or people from the industry come over, they're always like, please can we go to Dishoom? The only reason I know is because my brother and his girlfriend came over and they were like, well, we got to go to Dishoom.

15:28James Acaster: Yeah. And I'd never heard of it. You're getting your own one now in America. Oh, wow. There's one opening in New York and stuff like that. So like, you know, it won't be as much of a novelty anymore. No. We'll be able to queue. We won't need to queue to get into our own Dishooms anymore because you guys will won't be queuing around the block. I feel like it'll not do well in America. Yeah. I feel like the people will be like Indian. Yeah, could happen. It's not as popular cuisine. Well, there's a Gymkhana in New York now and an Ambassador's Clubhouse. Yeah, and I went to Ambassador's Clubhouse for my birthday last night.

16:00Amazing restaurant. And they've just opened in New York. And it's apparently going well. But to be fair, the person who told me that was the manager of Ambassador's Clubhouse. I feel like he wouldn't be like, by the way, it's not doing well. Not good. We lose a lot of money. And we're on it. In New York, it's going bad. and while I have you let me talk about what's happening with Jim Connors the Shimmer opening apparently good luck quickly on the popcorn shout out Garrett's popcorn big shout out yeah oh boy that stuff because the first time I had that you're probably the same as you yeah when you went on Conan to do the stand up no no sorry I thought you were going to say

16:43James Acaster: Amy and Nish bought me some back from Dubai airport no

16:49no they they used to give you a big tin of garrett's popcorn yeah like have that have that popcorn and i was like yeah it was popcorn right and then eating the cheese and caramel mix one incredible and then i bought i bought some at chicago airport when i was in america and just ate on the plane incredible yeah garrett's is the one yeah they um i only know them from chicago's airport i i'm sure you can get them other places but i just know them from the airport do you guys do the christmas tins of popcorn no okay so in america we have these tins of popcorn that you can get at like any store it's like into three sections and then one side is uh caramel one size cheese and then they have it's cut into like three like the biggest side because there's like two small sides and then a big side and that's butter and no one wants the butter but it's the biggest section yeah and you that's the only way they're not selling the tin with just the two they know what they're doing yeah they know they were like this is the cheapest one to make yeah we'll put the most of that in there yeah and then you know some parents going to be like you can't you got to finish this tin until we can get a new one there's a bunch of kids just shoveling in popcorn they don't like i'll bet there'll be some big spenders out there They're buying two tins of popcorn, throwing away the butter and putting cheese and cheese and mixed in there.

18:11Probably. That's probably what the adults that grew up having to eat the butter are doing now. Yeah. Now that they have any sort of disposable income. They used to dream of that when they were kids. Yeah. At least they talk about tip the butter away. Imagine if I get flush enough to tip the butter away. My brother used to make, I have two older brothers and we had that creamsicle ice cream, which is like vanilla and orange sherbet. and he used to make my brother eat the vanilla because he only liked the orange sherbet part. And my mom wouldn't let him, she wouldn't buy new ice cream until the old ice cream was gone.

18:44And so my poor middle brother just eating vanilla ice cream all the time when my older brother's getting all the good orange sherbet. Yeah.

18:52James Acaster: What have they both become now? Well, the older one's a chef. The sherbet loving one's a chef and the other one works in insurance. Yeah. If he'd had the orange, the orange sherbet side he might be a chef as well he might be a chef or you know I don't know could be living a wild and crazy life instead yeah could be a captain on a boat somewhere instead he's you know vanilla insurance yeah you eat vanilla all the time you eat productive work insurance that makes perfect sense he goes I need stability I need to be available when people need me to eat the things that they don't want need consistency every day yeah we always start with still a sparkling water Michelle do you have a preference Well, I like sparkling better, but because ever since I've had these children, I'm so thirsty all the time.

19:41So now I drink still water. But someday in the future, I'll go back to sparkling. I'm breastfeeding at the moment, so I need as much liquid as possible. And so I just have, I need still. Do they advise against drinking sparkling water when you're breastfeeding? No, it's just I find it harder to drink. You know, like I can't take big gulps. And I'm always very thirsty. I love sparkling water and I feel like it makes me fuller. Especially if I'm starting a meal and I'm like, okay, don't eat all the bread. Don't eat all the bread. And just have some sparkling water to fill the void. It's liquid bread.

20:14Yeah.

20:15James Acaster: It's everyone's favorite liquid bread. But yeah, now I'm relegated to still. I'll finish this whole thing. For your dream though, because you stood up. In my dream. You're standing up. Yeah. Of course. Talking to, we didn't say who you'd be talking to while the hors d 'oeuvres are going around, but we're aware that you want to be able to leave the conversation as soon as you I mean preferably it's only like one or two of my very good friends you know or like someone I love to chat with and not someone I don't really know and have to make small talk with who are your top two friends my top two friends can I name four yeah sure is it okay because we're all on one group chat together rank them right yeah yeah yeah okay okay I'll do it this way we're gonna have Kelly, Elaine, Naki, Stacey great how do you know but that's unranked that's unranked how do you know that all four Those are just four of my best friends.

21:03And I met them through comedians. None of them do comedy, but one's married to a comedian. And then the others are just comedy adjacent. And we're all friends. And it's lovely because they understand comedy, but they're not like, you know. I think that says a lot about comedians, that your best friends, you met them through comedians. Well, who are these lovely women that are unfortunately attached to these comedians?

21:32James Acaster: Have to deal with us now both as a spouse and a friend. Can we each have one guess each at who the comedian is that they're married to? Sure, yeah. Just guess a comedian, I guess. Just guess any comedian? Yeah. I have to think of American comedians. Yeah. Who do it? Doesn't have to be American. Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy's wife is it Eddie Murphy's wife? is he married right now? I think he's married right now right? I don't know it was a big swing anyway I'll be honest no it's not I've never I've never met him or his wife but I'm sure his wife would be added to the text group if you did meet her I'm sure she's lovely I mean listen we are a tight knit group and I don't know if she'd fit in and there's nothing against her it's more about the friend dynamic we already have sure yeah yeah yeah it takes a lot to crack those dynamics sometimes And I will also say that it's...

22:25Also, then when you're talking to Eddie Murphy's wife, there is always the suspicion that it might be Eddie Murphy dressed up. Yeah, you never know. Anyone from his family. Yeah, it could be him. That's a really good point. And now I can't be friends with her. Yeah, exactly. Because it'll be in the back of my head the whole time.

22:41James Acaster: Unless it's Hercules. He's not played by Eddie Murphy. Hercules, the... The little kid. Oh, I thought you meant the Greek god. He isn't either. In the clumps, there's a kid who's called Hercules, and he's not played by Eddie Murphy. That's just a little kid. And he shows off his muscles, and the mum's like, show us your muscles, and goes, Hercules. Oh, Hercules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like that, like that, while he's eating.

23:09James Acaster: And the clapping is like this, right? Yeah, yeah, like that. And he's doing this. While he's eating. A lot of our podcast is remembering things that happened in the clumps. Yeah, that's what the podcast is. I'm gonna go ahead and guess Kyle Kinane's wife I've never met her is he married? I don't think so I don't think he is either love Kyle though just had to go for someone yeah you didn't have to go for someone this is a game you invented well I don't know but even if you've invented it you still have to follow the rules who remembers who invented what come on and you would like sparkling water while you're standing up?

23:43yes I would like sparkling water preferably with ice and a lemon there's actually this coffee shop I go to that I get a coffee and they give me a carafe of sparkling water and this glass with like just two gorgeous ice cubes and then you just pour the sparkling water over that and it's just an effervescent joy

24:05James Acaster: do you want the water from that coffee shop? yes can we do the water specifically from that coffee shop? do you want to name the shop? give it a shout out it's the Saga Coffee Shop I think, I don't know if it's it's called Saga I don't know if they also say coffee shop but it's in Barcelona and it's just lovely. What makes an ice cube gorgeous for you? Well, this is something I've realized as I've gotten older is that, you know how they say like, it's the little things. I think it's just because you don't have other things to be happy about, you know? So you're like, this ice cube made me really happy.

24:37And that's how I feel a lot about my life at the moment. I love like a, you know, like a, something that looks like it's like really maintained the shape of whatever it was frozen in. You know, like I love those cube ones that you can just pop out of the, in the freezer, like the bigger cube ones that are like maybe inch by inch or something. And then the ones there though, they're like a, they're like a cylinder with a hole in the middle. Oh, wow. No. Yeah. Like penne pasta. A thicker, like, like, I don't know. I don't like that. Yeah. Bad.

25:14James Acaster: Yeah. But yeah. Yeah, just a little ephallic, tiny penis. Cut that bit out of the video episode, Benita. People are going to run hog wild with that. Blur it out. It'd be really bad if I started being like, just a, you know. Anyway, please don't draw a penis into my hand. Don't give them the idea and still do the thing. Yeah, keep doing the vise. Guys, don't put any penises in my hand. That's all. Don't put anything else in this. Just guys. I'm a mother. I'm asking you nicely. Pop-a-nobs on bread. Pop-a-nobs on bread, Michelle Wolf. Pop-a-nobs on bread. Bread. We've already heard that you have to sort of prevent yourself from eating all the bread at the start of the meal.

26:06So we know you're a bread fan. Yes. Is there any particular bread that you want on this dream meal? I really like, you know, when they, there's like a, I don't know, they probably don't, this is probably a very American thing. Sometimes they do like a selection of breads, different types of breads. And sometimes they'll have like a little piece of focaccia that has like a little bit of sauce on it. I love that little bite. That little bite of...

26:30James Acaster: A bit of sauce on the focaccia. Yeah. Yeah. We love to add unnecessary things in America. We'll just throw it on there. but it looks like it looks like someone had focaccia and then it was left over and they put some sauce on it and they cut it up into squares to moisten it up a bit yeah to be like this isn't a day old and then yeah and then yeah I love that it's always the bit in those bread selections it's always the one you want the most that there's the least of I think yes because they'll like pad it out with all the boring bread like the popcorn it's like the popcorn yeah it's like the popcorn But they're making it.

27:08Why are you making the stuff that people don't want? Like you must know, you must get the basket back at the end of the meal and be like, ah, they still don't like this weird grainy one. Maybe that's why though. Maybe that weird grainy one then goes into the next basket. So essentially they're just retaining grainy bread all night until the basket is mainly grain. Do you think restaurants do that? They're just plopping the bread from someone's basket. Some of them must be. Some of them must be. And I sort of hope they are in a weird way rather than just chucking away a load of bread at the end of the night.

27:43But then you don't know what people might have interfered with that bread. Some of them might have been eating a bunch of cheese puffs. Yeah, exactly. Old stinky hand might have been in.

27:51James Acaster: Picked it up to get the one they want and put it back in. I don't want to eat that. Yeah. Do you know what bread I also like? So I just thought of it. Is that a lot of times on... This is so sad that this is a bread I like. A lot of times on airplanes, they'll offer you a bread and it's like the pretzel roll. Yeah. I love a pretzel roll. This is someone who's traveled a lot for work. Yeah. That's your dream bit where you sit down and you get the bread. I get a warm, reheated pretzel roll. Would you like that? Would you like the airplane pretzel roll with the focaccia with the sauce? Yes. Yeah.

28:24I'll take both of those. Do you think it tastes the same as it does on the plane? Or you hear loads of stuff about they add so much extra salt to stuff on planes. I feel like if I got it, I feel like if I got it on ground, I'd probably be like, what is this? This is three years old? This is airbrush. Yeah, this is, yeah. But on the plane, it's great. But I think they just warmed it up too, you know? It's like if it wasn't touched by heat, it would probably be...

28:50James Acaster: That'd be awful. Yeah, like a rock, a tiny rock. A pretzel rock. The way you're describing that for Katcha, the other day I had, I went to a restaurant called Perilla in Stoke Newington. Shout out. and they brought out at the top these little bites and it was called it's called Yesterday's Bread soaked in Moules marinade you know that how's it spelled? how's it pronounced? marinier marinier that was a pun you know that I don't know what marinier is you know when you get a big like pot of mussels that's in all this sauce the creamy sauce yeah so they'd got these bits of bread and they'd soaked them in that delicious it's amazing that sounds like a great way to use Yesterday's Bread too It was so good.

29:32James Acaster: And it was like, had like a parmesan and like parsley kind of crumb on the top, I think it was. It was incredible. It was so good. And because you were saying about the day-old focaccia and it's nice and moist and some sort of, it was exactly that kind of vibe. I feel like now this is my, I haven't even heard it and I've tried it and it sounds like it's my favorite bread. It was just so good. It does sound exactly like what you described. Yeah, it sounds delicious. And I knew that bread was good because I got a photo sent to me immediately. Straight away. This is what I know. Here's the nightmare.

30:04He was in America. Yeah.

30:05James Acaster: I sent him the photo but it went green on the text. Yeah. So he didn't get it. So I had to go onto WhatsApp to send him the photo. Yeah. And do that. We're on a text group with a bunch of other friends and his phone was messing the whole thing up. Oh, you were green for however long you were in America. No, because there was, I mean, this is so boring, but there was an issue with an eSIM. I was on an eSIM and then it was using a different number and then, but I sorted it out and then immediately received three pictures of bread from James on different platforms. But yeah, I had to send the bread pic quite a few times to make sure he saw it.

30:38James Acaster: It's very important to me. Yeah, I'm glad that that's a good friend. You were like, he needs to see this and I'm going to try every avenue. Did you send it to him on Instagram? Yeah, yeah, emailed it. It's a pigeon. I got a pigeon arrived at my window three days later. So good, that bread. You did say, you said sourdough and I will say, unpopular opinion, don't like it. Some sourdough, too sour. Sure. Yeah. I don't want it sour. Yeah. I want it. Well, the reason I accidentally said sourdough is because they also did, later on in the meal, they brought out a sourdough course. But it was good. I think you'd like it.

31:14James Acaster: Okay. It was sourdough that had seaweed in it. Okay. I think I would like that. And it was very good. Yeah. With this really nice butter. But I know what you mean. Sometimes, like, if it's not done, if it's just done just because it's like, oh everyone likes sourdough so we're just gonna that's an easy like one just to send it we'll just make some sourdough send it out who cares they'll like it no matter what but like yeah you can get a pretty bad one and get put on also it's just everywhere right it's just oh it's the default bread now I didn't when did that happen you know it shouldn't be the default bread it should be like oh sourdough that's interesting yeah just a nice rustic bread is lovely yeah and then yeah maybe a sourdough but I've also recently had smoked butter which was very very nice yes yeah I really like that yeah a good smoked butter salted as well I love a salted butter if they I've I've been to France enough times that I love their salted butter but then sometimes like if you order like the breakfast in the morning they bring you the unsalted butter and I'm like trying to add salt to it to make it salted yeah and I always end up too much salt anyway this isn't a very exciting story at all but I love salted butter salted butter I now don't see the point of unsalted butter.

32:25I know people use it in baking and stuff. Yeah, keep it to baking. Don't worry you bring me a pat of unsalted butter. No one wants that. What are we doing? Even if you have it on like adding jam or something, a salted butter.

32:36James Acaster: Delicious. So good. Salt goes well with sweet. It's perfect. Does any other food come in pats? Butter's the only food I can think of that comes in a pat. I mean, I can't. I think so. I mean, even pate? Yeah, you can't even get a pat of pate. Yeah, you can't. I mean, they should sell it. Yeah. They should sell little... Start this. You should have... You could have pate merch. Yeah. Where you... We keep saying we've got to have like some sort of like, you know, off-menu branded food that we can get on the shelves in the supermarket. Yeah. Maybe pate pats. Yeah, pate pats. Little pats of pate. Are you guys fans of pate?

33:12Yeah, I like pate. I like a good pate. I like a... Best thing to have is your merch. It's something you feel so-so about. James' face on all the pats with a little speech bubble saying I can take it or leave it take it or leave it it is fine this is fine yeah if it's there I'll have it yeah yeah yeah but what's a pat doesn't mean it has to be small right so surely a slice of pate you could call a pat a pate because the only other I don't know I feel like pat is a very specific size I don't know what cows you guys have met cow pat they ain't doing little shits are they not that's the only other time you hear pat but I feel like that's a distinctly different version of Pat.

33:53Same word though, isn't it?

33:53James Acaster: They both come out of cows. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, but this is a pat too. You know, it's not a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And there's... That's true. I guess like... Because words can have different meanings. Words can have different meanings, yeah. I've just realized that. You can pat someone with your hand. Yeah. Pat Sharp. Yeah. You won't know Pat Sharp. I'm guessing it's a person though, right? But he's not this big though. Yeah. Huh? He's not tiny though. Never met him. Yeah. Never met him. I don't know what 90s celebrities... They're pretty small. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Okay, I'm willing to admit that, yeah, you don't get a pat of pate.

34:25James Acaster: If someone bought you a massive plate of butter and they said, there's your pat of butter, you go, hold on. What's this thing? It's a cow pat. What do you want from us? You didn't specify what kind of pat you wanted. Yeah, yeah. You get a butter-shaped man, you're like, this is a pat of butter. Yeah, yeah. Cover your hand in butter, just slap them on the back. Yeah. There's your pat of butter. That's what you asked for. Ha ha. This is why I don't run a restaurant. I think you'd be good running a restaurant we've got to do it too pernickety about language yeah too pernickety yeah what a great word yeah yeah pernickety's yeah pernickety's it's a great name for a restaurant yeah pernickety's pat-a-pate oh wow good luck all doing that yeah now we've gotten into a nursery run yeah

35:11James Acaster: your dream starter my dream starter is okay at Nobu they have this spinach dry miso salad that I love. I could eat it every single day. I don't know what makes a dry miso, but I love this salad. It's just a huge plate of spinach and whatever this dry miso dressing is. It's good to have a guest on who has a favorite Nobu dish, isn't it? Am I stupid? No. No, this is perfect. We had Robert De Niro on this podcast. Oh, yes. and spent a long co-owner of co-owner of Nobu spent a long time trying to get any dishes out of him really and none no he just do you think he's maybe never eaten there no he has but he just kept saying they bring me whatever's good but he tried that with every course we asked him for he went I just have whatever's good and we had to be like we're gonna have to nail you down on something here Bob we knew we were gonna bring Nobu up at some point so we obviously brought Nobu up because he you know he's a part owner of it or whatever and he was like I just have whatever's good yeah and what we wanted from him is what you've just said a specific nobu dish yeah that's what we were after so it's nice to finally get it well yeah jeez Bob so yeah this dry because I can't imagine what dry miso is are they because it's wet every miso I've seen has been either in soup form or a wet sort of paste yeah I don't know if it's a like a you know like a bouillon cube of miso or something maybe I don't know they're dehydrating it or something and putting it in there but it's it's really good he should try it if he can because I feel like that's something they wouldn't bring out they wouldn't be like this is good today yes you know they wouldn't be like the spinach is particularly you know I'd imagine they're just absolutely shitting themselves in the kitchen being like he just said whatever's good what is good I've completely yeah it's undermined all my confidence what did we give him last time I wonder if there's like a running like menu of what he's in like a chart the bomb chart yeah he had this last time do not give it to him again Michelle will shout this out send that out it's good it's officially good this week so it's just spinach and this miso dressing was there ever stuff in there?

37:25yeah you can add like a tuna tataki to it which is I would do that yeah very very good that makes it more of a not a meal but like a heartier thing but it's just a large portion of spinach as well and it's it makes me feel good because it's spinach you feel like you're getting some nutrients from it and yeah i'm sure that there's got to be stuff in the dressing that makes it you know particularly unhealthy for you that's why it's delicious yeah yeah it wouldn't be delicious if it was if it was like spinach with a little bit of like lime or you know like it'd be

37:57James Acaster: like this is spinach yeah yeah every time i i had a salad today on the way here i was like make sure you get a healthy lunch i was walking past the salad place i hadn't been to before so i'm going to get that now in advance and i've got a healthy lunch in the bag i got it as soon as i had my first mouthful i thought this is delicious and i was like and then my next thought was shit that's but yeah that's bad for you yeah shit yeah that's not a this is a really good delicious salad it's got a dressing on that i didn't ask for right and now you're just eating a sandwich that's in a salad form yes and then you realize that's yeah every time i went could have just had a sandwich you Every time I went to sweet green in the States, that happened to me.

38:36Yeah. You pick all of the ingredients and you're like, I'm being such a healthy boy today. Protein, nutrients, iron. And then like, what dressing do you want? I want that one. Do you want it light, medium or heavy? Heavy. You would say heavy?

38:48James Acaster: Oh, yeah, yeah. Half a bottle goes in there. Mix it up. It's like eating soup. Also, it's a massive bottle that has about four nozzles on it in sweet green. Yeah. They like go like that. It's like that's four bottles in one that you've gaffer-toked together. And you're putting them all on my salad. sweet green is a it's really a dangerous place because they're like you want to add anything else yeah and it's all just right there and you think like well that'll be good on it yeah yeah i do that all the time i don't think about the the structure of the salad or like the you know the the flavor profile and then i end up adding something and i'm like now i've got like a mexican asian salad and no one's happy and it's not a it's really upset two community yeah yeah and everyone's just the whole salad is fighting um i used to work at one summer i worked at a subway sandwich shop and right the amount of mayonnaise you put on those sandwiches is like it's it's so much mayonnaise yeah and then people would be like more mayonnaise and you're like making it and they're like they're like no more than that and it was just like i put on so much mayonnaise onto some of these salads and there's an i'm from hershey pennsylvania and amusement park in Hershey called, it's called Hershey Park.

39:58And I'm sorry. If you can believe it. Yeah. If you can believe that that's the name. Some of the names of these places are crazy. You'll never find it.

40:10And there was a Subway sandwich shop in the park that I worked at, but it was right by the water rides. So we're like loading mayonnaise onto these shops by people that are like drenched in like overly chlorinated amusement park water. Yeah, stinky thing park water. They're just like, more mayonnaise. Sopping wet. Just like T-shirts sticking to them, like dripping, asking for mayonnaise. Dream job. You got a free sandwich. Best job in the world. Yeah, best job in the world. That's what the show's about. That's exactly what the show's about. I think James has got some questions about working in Subway.

40:49I heard your brain start pinging. I was excited. That's the first person we've had who's worked at Subway. Oh, yeah. It's actually really fun.

40:57James Acaster: Yeah? Yeah, because it's just, it's so gratifying. They ask for a sandwich, you make the sandwich. You get used to the smell? When you're in there, you're like, what smell? And then you leave and you're like, this smell. The smell that's now in my car, you know? You have to change, you have to wash your hair. Is it true they pipe the smell out onto the street? that wasn't true in our little stand in the park of course yeah I think we were competing with too much chlorine anyway but I don't know if that's true everywhere they might they might you can't speak for the corporation I can't speak for the corporation I've heard they pump it out onto the street so you're like hmm subway not for franchises so maybe some do and some don't that's true you know I accused I accused I just thought it was common knowledge that Eminem world did that but the uh the guy who i said it to worked there flipped his lid really really he was like we did not do that do not that is false and everyone's going around saying that we do not pump the smell into lesser square do not tell people that imagine being a company man for m &ms yeah that sounds like they definitely pump the smell yeah that's like yeah that's true you're pumping yeah well okay so in in hershey uh where hershey park is they they used to have the chocolate factory there and it would smell like chocolate but then they moved the factory to mexico but the town still smells like chocolate so it's they're pumping it in from somewhere that's suspicious yeah yeah through the sewers do you reckon that when they had the hershey factory they were like dumping like oil drums of chocolate just all under the sewers and there's all the turtles and stuff this is going to be a great sequel to erin brockovich yeah instead of everyone just has obesity yeah Erin Chokovic Erin Chokovic Erin Chokovic good one Ed yeah yeah thanks James that was the best what do we call that a pun is that a pun pun wordplay wordplay great humour just general great humour general great humour by Ed by Ed by Ed Gamble that's why I say after all my jokes my tour shows are so long by Ed Gamble yeah another great joke definitely by me Ed Gamble I don't go like this.

43:12Straight to the camera. Straight into the camera.

43:21James Acaster: Your dream main course. My dream main course. Okay, so this took me a really long time to think of and I almost went with just, I almost gave up because I couldn't figure it out and I was just going to go turkey and cheese sandwich because I just couldn't think of what my, I love so many foods. And this one, it's my dream main course, even though I cannot pronounce it correctly. Fantastic. It's the Cacio e Pepe. Is that, am I saying it? Yeah, I mean, I understood what you meant. So it feels like you were circling around the pronunciation. I don't know if I say it right. What do you say? Cacio e Pepe.

43:56That sounds better than what I said.

43:58James Acaster: But I don't know if that's right. Well, it's Cacio e Pepe, right? Cacio e Pepe. I've like missed out a syllable. Yeah, you say Cacio e Pepe. Cacio e Pepe. but I knew what you meant I feel like if I start with a C and end with Pepe yeah you're fine they'll get it I don't know there's a lot of ways that can go wrong I wouldn't follow that exact rule yeah

44:26James Acaster: Pepe, Pepe just say Pepe quickly everyone knows what you mean it's probably it's got to be my favourite pasta dish as well I love it I went to I took a little day trip to Rome for my 40th birthday this year and I had it three times in one day. Hold on. We're just glossing over that you've also had a 40th birthday this year, the same year Ed Gamble's had a 40th birthday. Was last night or yesterday? Yesterday was my 40th. Oh, wow. Looks like I'm the young buck of the pot. No, James is 42. Oh. No, I'm not. 41. I don't know when this is coming up. 41, you cuntio pepah. That's the best one, yeah. Sometimes you're two years ahead of me and sometimes you're only one.

45:06James Acaster: Yeah, and sometimes I'm only a pun ahead of him and I give it to him. You're old now, man. You're the old man of the pod. But you're older than me. I don't make the rules. Happy to be 40 anyway. I love 40. 40's good. I can't wait. I want to just get older and older, which is luckily how it works. So you're going to stick to the linear rules of time? Yes, yes. I would really like to because any time any show goes into a space-time continuum, I get very confused. I tried to follow along with Loki and it was just... Every time we go to a different... I'm like, what timeline are we on now? It really...

45:48It's hard for me. I like time loops, though. I love the time loop film. Oh, yeah. I love that as an idea. Same day over and over. Oh, yeah. I want that. Groundhog's Day. I was thinking the other day,

45:58James Acaster: they got to start... Someone's got to open it. You know, sometimes they open little parks or whatever where you can go and it's like Victorian times and everyone's dressed in Victorian times. They should open a place that is a time loop and you can stay there for the whole week and every day the whole town goes around in a loop and you can choose a different thing to do each day or maybe just one thing until you get it right and you complete it and just like go there. What would be getting it right? I guess like there are certain like little storylines, missions, stuff that you can do that would result in like, you know, different outcomes and different ways of winning.

46:35Well, there's some immersive theatre things that are a bit like that. There was a show in New York for a long time called Sleep No More that was like the same... All the actors and all of the dancers and stuff in the show was in a massive warehouse. Yeah. Did the same thing maybe three times within the course of the show and you could go anywhere you wanted. It was like open world. And there were little things to solve and do. Or you could watch different things at different times.

46:57James Acaster: And you could try the same one over and over until you get it right. You could do. Like Groundhog Day? Yeah. You could do. It was more of a sort of theatrical experience than some desperate way to get life right. This is my reaction to Sleep No More every single time has been, I've heard of it. Yeah. And I just generally agree because I don't have any idea what it actually is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I'm just like, yeah, it's a theatrical experience. It's always done it. Yeah. Whatever it is, people bring it up and you'll be like, yeah, yeah, I did that. you've done sleep no more yeah he's done everything everyone brings up stuff and he's like yeah I saw that I did that I've eaten that I went to sleep no more when do you have time?

47:39well I was on the holidays I was on the holidays

47:41James Acaster: oh yeah oh lovely he hasn't got two kids his belly button's absolutely unmolested just completely he's having a great life no one's been in there for years he's actually just going places to see if anyone would be like is this where will you touch my belly button? yeah I got kicked out I tried with all the different actors at different times in the show just lifted up my t-shirt get in there it is great but it started very late I think it started at 11pm and went on until about 3 in the morning so and they separate you from who you go Ben's shaking his head I'll say this that sounds like a nightmare to me that sounds like a genuine and you have to wear masks I hate masks I'm out I don't like I'm not a mask person yeah I don't like it COVID those masks are fine let's not get into Do I bring up COVID, Michelle?

48:31People are going to be like, no, I see anyone with a mask now. I see a little old lady with a mask. I'm like, what are you doing? That's scary.

48:40James Acaster: I mean, obviously everyone in COVID hated the people who wore the masks with their nose sticking out the top. I hate those people even more when I see them now. In the modern day, in 2026, I go on the tube and someone's wearing a face mask, but they got their nose sticking out. I'm like, what are you doing? We all... On so many levels. I thought we'd sorted this out. that you don't have your nose sticking out. This got covered years ago. How the hell are you still doing this? Because I thought it was, I just assumed the people with their nose out were the people who didn't want to wear a mask.

49:12And they were making a point. Right. But that seems like someone who's electively wearing a mask, but wearing it wrong.

49:20James Acaster: Yeah. Do you ever just go up and go, it's like this? Yeah, you want to. I want to so much go like, what do you think that's doing? As you breathe out your nose into this carriage, but what if you did that and then realized that their mouth was so low on their chin and that's why they have to do it you move it up and immediately their mouth is like there yeah right at the bottom of their chin it's for low mouther what the hell are you doing get your hands off me this was for everyone's good yeah that would be bad yeah yeah actually in that tonight I would feel silly yeah yeah you gotta worry about these people they've got a little wow you've really put your foot in your mouth yeah now I'm just trying to think of wordplay as we're talking but you're not signing any of it off with that was a joke by Michelle Wolfe oh you're right you need to be doing that it should be yeah I'm gonna sign up that was by me Ed Campbell should have done that when you wrote for Seth Meyers yes so he would have to be like and that's why I love periods by me Michelle Wolfe you get credit every time yes yeah I think that was that was a problem I should have thought of that was there that category of like jokes Seth can't say or something yeah jokes Seth can't say Did you make it into that?

50:31No, that was after I left. But I did come back one time and I did some jokes, Seth can't tell.

50:38James Acaster: Yeah. I did some of the ones, which I think I got one joke about, I did get a period joke in there about, we used to do this thing, new slogans, where we'd make up slogans for things that don't have slogans. And we did tampons for whales or something like that called tampoons.

51:03That's worth it. Yeah, that's worth it. Sign it off. But that's the one I did on this. I don't, the joke Seth can't tell. It's something about tampoons. Did he drop the paper on that one? No, he just looked at me like, you finally got it out? Are you happy now? Are you happy now? Have you made it at home, Nicacio Pepe? No, I haven't ever attempted it. It's great. Is it easy? It's easy, yeah, yeah. You're basically frying up pepper and then using pasta water in the pan and like emulsifying the cheese into it and then put the pasta in. What kind of cheese is it? Parmesan? Pecorino, I want to say.

51:40James Acaster: Do you know who else chose it? Who? And you can decide if you want to do, because it's a bowl of pasta, if you want to do a Lady in the Tramp with this guy. Yes, who is it? Todd Barry. Todd Barry would be the worst person to do a Lady in the Tramp with. in the history of the world. Let me tell you a very fun Todd Berry story. He's going to hate that I'm telling this story. So we were at the Comedy Cellar in New York and talking about flying because we're all comedians and we're all like, it's probably like a Wednesday and we're all flying on Thursday. And Todd comes up in the conversation. He goes, he goes, I don't mind a middle seat.

52:16And then I think for the next three hours, and I'm not even exaggerating, we made fun of him. For saying that a middle seat's not that bad. You fly all the time. And you've got to have points. And you've got to be some sort of Delta or United. Something. And he's like, the middle seat. I mean, most of your life is flying. And you can't have a window or an aisle. I mean, we went into him. To this day, I still talk to him about middle seats. So anyway, Todd Berry. I mean I guess I could do a lady in the tramp with him because I'd have the window very rare to see a side by side lady in the tramp you can't really do one you'd have to have the passer in the corner and then just bump cheeks I feel like Todd would hate a lady in the tramp moment

53:11James Acaster: he's a germaphobe he would be like you have your own bowl of pasta and I'll have my own bowl of pasta and we'll eat it in separate rooms and that is his dream lady in the tramp scenario. If you pushed a meatball across the plate with your nose to Todd Barry, here go, I'm not eating that. Yeah. He might murder me. He might just be like, that's enough. We've had enough of you. You made fun of me for the middle seat for three hours and now you're trying to get me to eat a meatball with your nose. I just bumped into Todd Barry in New York, actually. Oh. In the hotel bar of where I was staying and we'd been having a drink and then I turned around, we got up to leave and Todd was sat there waiting for a friend and genuinely thinking about it, I think he was in the middle seat.

53:52Great. I think he was in the middle seat and it was a completely empty table. His friend hadn't arrived yet. Just a middle seat. He was in the middle seat. Loves a middle seat. Maybe he likes the comfort. Maybe it's like, he's like, I'm surrounded. But I love Todd Barry. I love Todd Barry. Oh, he's amazing. I love Todd Barry. But yeah, I don't think he, I think he'd stay so far away from a Lady and the Tramp situation. It wouldn't happen. You would also, I assume, not like a Lady and the Tramp situation because that's very much sharing. That's sharing. That is the ultimate sharing, isn't it? And I couldn't, I think I like the idea of the romance maybe of a lady in the Trump situation, but I'd be too competitive with, I'd just suck the pasta up straight away.

54:29Yeah. We did one once. We did do one once for a photo shoot. Who was who?

54:34James Acaster: I like to think I was the lady.

54:39I guess I was the Trump.

54:40James Acaster: I mean, we were pretty much just dressed like this. Yeah. But like, you know. We weren't dressed like dogs, is what James said. Yeah, we didn't dress us like dogs. Yeah. weren't dressed like the characters we didn't know who was who yeah and there was no sort of like stereotypical Italian waiter playing the accordion behind a scene right right I assume for the podcast Benito refused he refused to be involved in the photo shoot he gave him the accordion and a little moustache he wouldn't do it even though he always does an Italian accent he's always speaking the Italian accent all the time that waiter must be so like down about his life don't you think what the actual Lady of the Tramp yeah he's like I'm playing He's playing accordion for some dogs snogging.

55:19Well, I don't know. People really love their dogs. Yeah, but they're not his dogs. He's working at the restaurant and he's demoted to go over there and look after the dogs at that table.

55:27James Acaster: By the way, they're going to get off with each other. I'd rather do that than deal with humans. Yeah. That's a good point. Than going out there serving all the stupid customers in the actual restaurant. Great, I'm on dog duty. I'm going in the alley to look after these snogging dogs. I'll tell you what. If I was walking along and I saw two dogs eating a massive plate of spaghetti and meatballs, so I'd watch that for the whole thing. Yeah, that actually sounds... And also eating it that way, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just chomping it down. Yeah, quite thoughtfully. Yeah, yeah. Really classy dogs at the end of the day.

55:59Dogs with lips. Now, if I saw two humans doing that in a restaurant, I would hope I was not their server. Yeah, I'd flip the table. I would be like, you guys gotta go. What do you think about this?

56:09James Acaster: Here we go. Yes. Yesterday, I bumped into some friends and one of them was telling a story to the other two and they were a couple. And I'd say this couple, every time I see them, they're being a bit too public display of affection wherever I see them. While one of my friends is telling her friend a story and they're looking and making eye contact with each other, this friend's boyfriend, while still maintaining eye contact with the person telling the story, kisses his girlfriend on the shoulder while they're talking. So they're looking at each other and while she's telling the story he kisses his girlfriend on the shoulder and they're all still just making odd contact with each other like that.

56:49James Acaster: I thought it was appalling. I would say shoulder not do that. Sign it up. That's a joke by me, Michelle. Does it even make sense? It made sense in my head. I think it's one of the worst parts I've ever heard. It was bad and I think you knew it was bad which is why you only signed off as Michelle. You didn't give your surname. Shoulder not do that. Shoulder not do that. That was by Michelle.

57:22So the whole time you're telling, like you get to the kiss on the shoulder part. I'm like, shoulder should, should not do it. Shoulder should not, shoulder not. It's pretty wrong with it. In my head, it felt like it was going to be good. Yeah. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I was like, I don't think it tracks. I'm still sort of trying to I can sort of see what you're going for but I'm still on the journey with it I think shall not do that yeah

57:59James Acaster: dream side dish okay dream side dish so I don't know if this actually counts as a side dish but I've had them both here and in Paris is you can get in the season really fresh strawberries. The small ones. We don't really have those in America. We have like American strawberries are like white inside and have no flavor. Huge, but massive as well, right? Massive, massive. And the seasonal strawberries, the summer strawberries, I've had them both here and in Paris. They're just like, they're amazing. They're the tiny little red ones. I would love that as a side dish. And they taste like strawberry jam, basically.

58:38Yeah, exactly. They're so good. They're just like, it's like a, you could, I feel like I eat the stem even, you know? It's just like, I'm just shoveling them in my,

58:50just throwing them in my mouth.

58:51James Acaster: Yeah. I'm not even, I didn't even try that. That was just like a, throwing them in my mouth. Just go on down.

59:07Don't do it, internet. I can't wait for the super cut we make in this episode. Yeah, so that'll be great. Just that. That'll be so fun.

59:16James Acaster: Yeah, I mean, and you don't even need anything on them? No, yeah. I love it as a side dish for the cacio e pepe as well. Are you going to be going back and forth between the two, do you think? A real problem with me is that I eat like a maniac. I'm like a Hoover. I'm like, you could set a dish in front of me, and by the time if you turned around by the time you turned back around it would be gone yeah me too I'm not a really ooh a bite and a bite and a little drink that's not happening I am I am gobbling it down at a velocity that is alarming yeah I really something that really makes me laugh is someone doing like an offensive impression of something that's so normal so just being like a bite and a bite ooh a little drink it's hard I wave hi We've got to make our things seem normal.

1:00:09James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is hard. Oh look, you know I'm a guzzler and a gulper. Yeah, sure. I'm the same. Especially with drinks, I'm gulping. Yeah. Something happens if someone doesn't like a musician, and they go, oh, that person is just like... So that's not how they sound. Yeah. That would be annoying, I agree. That would be annoying. That's the worst song I've ever heard. Yeah, sure. That's not what it sounds like. oh hello my name that's always an impressive impression of someone as well it always starts with hello my name is yeah yeah straight to that yeah I mean yeah but I do like your impression of someone eating normally thank you a little bit of this a little drink yeah yeah it's good I eat so quickly and people comment on it who have just met me yeah so that's like that's always bad you ate that fast and you have to be like I did I didn't even know.

1:01:04Yeah, I wasn't.

1:01:05James Acaster: I didn't realize. It's just the thing, you don't even. It's all going in bullet time for me. I didn't know. Yeah. Like, I guess I have to redo this day. I'll eat slower. Yeah. Maybe I'll get it right next time. But I, yeah, I eat too fast to really even enjoy a meal. I just. Inhaling it. Yeah, I'm just inhaling. And yeah. People always say to me, is that, oh, is that because your family? It's not. No. It's not a fact. There's so many people who are like, we are so many brothers and sisters, we had to get there first. Which is not a story I even believe. Like, I don't believe that there's like some free-for-all for dinner.

1:01:43That there's like eight kids and everyone's, the mom's just like, have at it! You know? And there's like some like... And they swarm all over it and there's nothing left. Like, it's not dogs, you know? Like, everyone had like a... I'm sure if an older sibling took all the chicken, the mom would be like don't do that what about your siblings? this is for everybody get back of the line you know I don't believe the story I don't know

1:02:13James Acaster: even your brother had half sherbet and gave your other brother the vanilla yeah he wasn't going to eat the whole thing he was just going to eat the parts he liked but I guess there's like with everything there's like the nice bits that some people like and the bad bits that some people don't like so if there's like a race for like the best bit of chicken or whatever but usually it's portioned out to everyone sure people aren't really just going there you go going nuts well I think there must be families like that yeah they just put the main pot in the middle of the table they just put a whole chicken in the middle of the table a real like a maybe like a Christmas carol goose yeah like just right in the middle and everyone's like have at it just with their hands they're just grabbing off chunks of goose yeah no one's even cutting it no one's serving it it's just go eat I've done enough yeah this is what I think yeah I might be like too privileged here maybe I don't know this that they just put a big pot of goose in the front of everyone and everyone just goes for it yeah and if you get there last yeah you get there last you get the beak yeah yeah and there's nothing else for you and you think oh man and your siblings don't care enough about you I should have not do that

1:03:21James Acaster: I should have not be so slow to get that goose I should have I should have got the beak

1:03:35your dream drink okay i love a um a glass of champagne but in the um the little coop not that i'm making it a ball but it's uh you know the glass that's like uh like oh yeah the wide the one that's shallow glass supposedly based on the shape of marie antoinette's breast yes that You said this about every glass on the podcast. Well, I've never met the lady. So, you know, you're never sure what shape her boobs are.

1:04:04James Acaster: Every time Ed's got a glass, he goes, whose titty does this remind you of? I'll give you one glass. Everyone guess. That's good, though. That's okay. Is that a pun? Is that another pun? It was as good as I should not do that. I feel like you guys, you're just trying to be, no, that's a better one. Come on, sign it off. You're getting there. Yeah. I've never said this before apart from I've mentioned this glass but there's not you know you've mentioned Mary Antoinette's breasts before on this podcast yeah but not in the context of glasses I think it's for a different glass just that they seem nice it was this dream main course she was like 14 no apparently that's the glass it's always the glass thing but apparently this is what it is was she really young?

1:04:46well when they got married I think she died at like 21 or 22

1:04:49James Acaster: so when did they do the glass base and the breasts? I don't think it was a different time I don't think they molded one on her, as far as I know. Well, I would hope not. It would be molten. It would be horrible. It would be very hot. I think it was more like whoever, whatever perv made the glass was like... Still. Yeah. Or maybe she was like, she was like, make me a glass that reminds you of my breath. Yeah. And then... It was like the olden days Pammy bottle. You remember the Pammy bottle? Yeah, I remember the Pammy bottle, of course. Virgin Cola released a bottle of Virgin Cola that was in the shape of Pamela Anderson.

1:05:27That's what they said. Called the Pammy bottle. And it was only

1:05:30James Acaster: virgins who liked it. It was very appropriate. We loved them. As kids, just going around in primary school. That Pam Anderson's body, wouldn't you love to kiss on the lips? Prophetic. And obviously the only one going, well, what about Mary Antoinette? Please, I can pull this into a Marianne to an Ed glass. Yeah. What a threesome. I'm having a naughty evening in pouring my virgin cola from my Pammy bottle into a Marianne to an Ed breast glass. Well, look, it's Pam and Ed and Mary. A nice little dinner party. All of my friends have walked off. It's just me alone in the playground saying this. Don't go to a wedding.

1:06:16He's having a dinner party.

1:06:20James Acaster: but you would like champagne in this shallow white i love i love champagne in one of those glasses it makes me feel it's fancy fancy yeah yeah yeah and like what kind of champagne do you have a favorite kind um i there's a rosé champagne that i had and i don't know the brand of it uh but it was a i really liked it it was at the it was at a four seasons in austin texas they had a rosé champagne it was very good i love a rosé champagne yeah i'm not sure i can tell the difference taste wise between rosé champagne and i feel like maybe it was a little sweeter but i don't know it's good it feels more celebratory i think as well yeah a bit of pink fizz have you ever what's been like the best occasion you've had champagne at the biggest celebration the biggest celebration um i can't remember a single place i've been to um anything you've celebrated ever I can't remember a single thing.

1:07:17My friend had a, I guess it must have been like her 48th birthday party in a friend's backyard. But then they had these little champagne glasses like that. And that was a fun celebratory thing. I taped a special once and I asked for champagne after to celebrate. and they brought me the champagne that in America you can buy at like the 7-Eleven. And I was like, because you know you put something on your rider and champagne, but you didn't like specify like the brand. And I mean, it must be like a$8 bottle of champagne. Like it was just, I was like, what? I got to be more specific, I guess. Especially if you're like...

1:08:03Shoulder not done that. You're not normally putting this on your rider, right? So you're like, oh, it's going to be a treat because it's a big night. So I feel, you know, it's not my normal sort of thing. Everyone knows I'm shooting a special. It's not like it was a surprise. Like there's a whole crew there. You know, and you think someone would be like, we got a, I think they just forgot. And then they like got it on the way or something. Or the special cost so much money. Yeah, they were like, we don't have anything left. Here's eight dollars. She wants to marry Antoinette take glasses.

1:08:31James Acaster: We're not getting those either, come on. Surely those are the kind of bottles of champagne they smash off of ships. Yeah. Just the cheap ones, 7-Eleven ones. I would hope so. Smash that off of a ship. No, because when I imagine that, I imagine like the golden age, right? Where everything's fancy and everyone's excited. I think they're smashing fancy champagne off those ships. I feel like ship people... What a waste. Because it's good luck though, isn't it, as well? I feel like ship people waste. Ship people waste. You know, like if you have a ship, you'd probably be like, yeah, I also have a couple of the fancy bottles.

1:08:59James Acaster: So they show off. I'm really trying to think of other things I've celebrated. it's a thing about having kids is that with the first one i i was like oh my memory's worse and now with the second one i'm like i don't remember anything like i couldn't i couldn't tell you what i did yesterday um but then but then on the way here i was thinking about i was thinking about something and my mind got to diabetes and then i remembered this girl i went to school with elementary school with and that she had diabetes and i was like i wonder what she's doing now and i remembered her full name first and last name and i can picture her yeah yeah but i can't completely useless to you know i literally thought i was like why is this what i can remember yeah and i'm i'm searching for a thing i've celebrated you did the correspondence didn't you yes but i didn't have champagne then i had i had tequila that night yeah of course Is this the first person we've had on the podcast who's done the correspondence dinner?

1:10:01I think so. Did Todd Barry do? I would love to see Todd Barry do the correspondence dinner. I think that would be very, very great.

1:10:08James Acaster: Todd Barry, of course, wouldn't offend either side because he sits in the middle.

1:10:16James Acaster: Sign off. By me, James Acas. Thank you. Tough gig? Or just a lot of pressure leading up to it? Yeah, I mean, I think it was... The room stinks. It's not like it's also like this big ballroom. Like it's not made for comedy and no one there really wants to laugh. And everyone's looking at each other to see if they can laugh. And it's really and you're insulting the people in the room. And especially with the people who are in the room when I was doing it. They're not like people that were like, I love a roast. Yeah. Let's all have a little time. Yeah. Like I started telling my jokes and Sarah Huckabee Sanders look like I mean, it looked like she thought I was going to give like a bridesmaid toast.

1:10:55and instead I started to be like look at this bitch you know so I yeah it's she um it was unsavory but my friend also texted me right before I went on and he was like you know if they're not laughing you're doing well yeah so as as soon as I started then they were just kind of silent I was like we're doing great yeah it's not for the people

1:11:17James Acaster: in the room yeah it's for everyone else watching it afterwards yeah yeah it seems like in America there's much more of a reverence or like a lot of respect for stuff like that over here in the uk if there was a gig that is routinely impossible and really hard we'd all be avoiding it and if like if someone did it it was because it's well paid or whatever but they don't want anyone to see it or to know about it in the us you have that and like snl when they're literally going live and like they could bomb on live television and all these things are like all the hosting for way way higher esteem than but in a way that's like quite uh encouraging as a comic because obviously it's part of being a comedian is having these gigs that are really hard and it doesn't have to go brilliantly every time or in the room and it's cool to watch on tv like why do you think that is in america that you can kind of like have those kind of things become part of like such a the foundations of like being a comic and and in other countries that might just be it just wouldn't take off as much I don't know I think there's something about like the ego of Americans that like every every comic thinks I'm gonna be the one yeah I'm gonna be the one to nail it you know like that we're all kind of like you know it was hard for everyone else but for me this is I'm the one or the thought that well they're not laughing but I know that I'm doing great yeah I think is yeah like I wouldn't be able to do that I'd crumble so fast it would be so bad I think the way I was thinking of it was that like I was like oh I'm I want to make these people mad yes these specific people and so that for me but like you know when people host like any of the award shows or anything like that it just feels like unless you're going with a specific I want to make these people mad I feel like everyone's like it was okay or it was you know I don't know well I've had a couple of those things where whoever's booked me for it or my agent will say it'll be really hard but it's a good opportunity i'm like no those two those two things don't exist together for me yeah then that is a bad opportunity yeah because i i want to just make people laugh and have a nice time that's my main opportunity sure i think there's something about i do i think it's us being like oh it's really hard yeah all right i'll crack the code yeah this is me yeah yeah we're just very i don't know Also, in America, it'll be talked about.

1:13:46James Acaster: Over here, those tough gigs, they don't really get discussed, especially not in public. But if you do the correspondence dinner, that's going to be talked about by loads of comics. And it is like a badge of honour. It's something that's seen as being quite a... Well, it is. It's a very impressive thing to have got to do, which we don't have the equivalent of that here, I guess. There's no like... We're going to roast the Prime Minister here. It'll be fun. It'll be nice, especially this current one, if you're watching. He ain't watching, man. No, he didn't even listen. Oh, no, he's listening. He just hasn't made the jump over to the YouTube episodes yet.

1:14:26James Acaster: He hasn't listened to the people. Oh, this is good. You know, I was trying to make a pun out of his name. Yeah, yeah. And I just really think it's going to work. Keir Shoulder? You're going to call him Keir Shoulder? I was going to say don't get me cure started that's as good as the shoulder started but as I was this is me improving though as I was thinking of it I was like it's not going to yeah and the next time Michelle you come up with one of those you won't even say it out loud or say it in your eyes this is the we're going around on this day again we've groundhog day'd it next time you come up with a joke you're just going to keep quiet about it it's not a it's not a it's not even wordplay it's actually just you're just shoehorning in something that doesn't work.

1:15:11James Acaster: Don't get me star-mitted. Don't get me star-mitted.

1:15:19It works when you say it.

1:15:21James Acaster: Oh, yeah. I felt like it worked. Yeah, it did work. Dream dessert. Really, really went around on this because I'm a sweets person. I love a sweet treat. And I feel like this is going to sound like I'm... what's it called when you're, I don't know, like trying to placate an audience or something because I'm here in England. Pandering. Pandering. Thank you. I promise this isn't pandering. This is actually my favorite dessert is sticky toffee pudding. We gotcha. Well, hey, that place that I mentioned earlier. Yes. Perilla. Perilla. Went to check with me what the restaurant was called, but luckily you remembered.

1:16:03That's good. You remembered that. Yeah. so you don't remember what you did yesterday but you remember what he ate two weeks ago that's good yeah that's so useful for me yeah yeah

1:16:12James Acaster: the whole meal was like it's one of the best meals I've had in ages so good start with those little bread bites dessert was sticky toffee pudding it was a set menu and I know that's all I'd seen was I didn't read the whole description of it and as they're getting it ready I see that they're grating black truffle over it and I'm like oh no because I thought yo So black truffle's fine, but I don't want it on my sticky toffee pudding. Right. How much this guy's changed over there. Yeah, I've changed a lot. Before this podcast, I've never had black truffle before, anything like that. I'll start going to fancy places to eat, think black truffle's amazing.

1:16:50James Acaster: Then I'll start being like, would these restaurants stop putting black truffle on everything? It's always black truffle on everything. That's his observational material now. Yeah. Is anyone else fed up with black truffle? Hello? Hello. More like Black Trouble. That sounds racist. No, that sounds very racist. Don't sign that one off, Michelle. Don't do that one. Don't sign that off. In my head I was like, you got it this time. As soon as I said it, I was like, very racist. Just a bunch of white people in a room talking about Black Trouble. The words... We're not talking about it. Don't bring us in on that joke.

1:17:25Not us. The wordplay was stronger, but the intent sounded way worse. Yeah, way worse. But you've not signed it off so you're fine. By me, Michelle Wolf. No, no!

1:17:38James Acaster: The tour is cancelled. So it turns out I need a new jab.

1:17:46James Acaster: Anyway, it was delicious. It had black truffle ice cream. The sticky toffee pudding was a very dark, rich, sticky toffee. And I fully expected I wasn't going to like it. It's one of the best desserts I've had in ages. the whole meal was phenomenal I think you should go there Michelle Wolf because the things that you're shouting out sound exactly like this great meal I just had well maybe sounds great it's here in London yes here in London Stoke Newington I'm still laughing at your last wordplay sorry yeah of course it's really offensive it was how quickly you said that sounds racist after you said it and thankfully because it's going to be harder to clip yeah You know, like, maybe you cut something off there.

1:18:32We won't clip it up. Yeah, harder to cut off the, whoa, no, that's racist.

1:18:39James Acaster: The whole thing will go in the edit, but you can't snip it down to make you look worse. Right, right, right. But you never know what the internet can do these days. These guys, what are they up to? I have a question about the black truffle ice cream. Was it savoury? No, it was sweet, but definitely tasted like black truffle. So I had a bit of it on its own. So I wanted to see. And that was a bit too much for me. But then I was like, come on, you're an adult. This is meant to be had all together. Let's not just put the ice cream to one side. That's how you realise you're an adult. Let's not separate all our food so it's not touching.

1:19:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:19:18James Acaster: You're a grown-up now. Eat the black truffle with the ice cream. Don't just have a bit of the black truffle ice cream and write it off. Yeah. You've got to have it all as intended. and then it was like just really sweet but with this like i guess there was like an umami flavor in there when it all combined together and i didn't know that word before i started this podcast either i've heard it a lot i don't really know what it means no it's the fifth flavor it's the fifth flavor yeah but it's not it feels like more it's like a feeling i think i use it to describe flavors that i can't describe yeah oh yeah that's umami so it's got some umami flavor over there.

1:19:54James Acaster: It's a bit salty and sweet at the same time, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's actually licorice. Yeah, yeah. That's what I use. Because they sell it in paste as well. Umami paste. You feel like you're being ripped off somehow. It's just invented. Is there a particular sticky toffee pudding you would like? I did like the one from Gordon Ramsay's. That's the one I had here that I really liked. Would you want to hang out with Gordon Ramsay? I would, actually. You would? I would. I like how intense he is. And I'd be interested to see if he thought I was an idiot or okay. What way are you leaning towards?

1:20:36I feel like I could talk to him about running.

1:20:39James Acaster: Yeah? He loves to run. Yeah, maybe he would think that I'm not an idiot. He would like that. I love when he runs to the kitchen in his shows and then he's getting changed in the kitchen while talking to the camera. I wish I had that level of self-confidence. Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Okay. You would like a carafe of sparkling water with ice and lemon from Saga Coffee in Barcelona. Correct. You would like focaccia with sauce on it and an aeroplane pretzel roll. You would like spinach dry miso salad from Nobu. You would like cacio e pepe as a main course.

1:21:15James Acaster: Side dish, you would like fresh, seasonable strawberries. Seasonable? Seasonal strawberries. drink you would like a glass of rosé champagne in a coupe yes and dessert a sticky toffee pudding from Gordon Ramsay's yes how do you feel about that menu um I don't know if it actually all goes together but I it doesn't it doesn't have to incredibly happy after that meal yeah I would be that sounds great I think it's very nice yes I would eat all that yeah which one which one did you have which of his places the one on Grobner Square I can't remember what it's called. But I remember in fourth grade, the girl who had diabetes, the whole name.

1:21:59Cannot remember the name of the Gordon Ramsay restaurant. Gordon Ramsay's Bar and Grill. There we go. Thank you for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Michelle. I remember one time she had to get a, she had a little blood sugar and had to have a Coke in the middle of class. Yeah, yeah. And we were all like... Amazing, yeah.

1:22:13James Acaster: Diabetes sounds great. Correct. Correct, it is great. Thanks, Michelle. Thank you, Michelle.

1:22:26James Acaster: Well, there we are, James. There we are. What a brilliant menu. And Michelle Wolfe didn't say Wolfe Cola, so we didn't kick her out the dream restaurant. And we can promote the best job in the world. Best job in the world. Touring across England in June and July. PunchUp.live forward slash Michelle Wolfe for tickets. And you're on tour with Fresh Hell, of course. Yes, that's in 2027. January 2027. 2027 that starts at gamble.co.uk for tickets what a lovely chat with Michelle what a lovely food podcast what a great podcast what a great little food podcast Ben you did another great job well done Ben Benito there not much to say really it's weird that like when we're being filmed now for these intros and outros the pressure you feel like you had to add more pressure feels on and like I'm pretty sure you know I've heard Sometimes my partner will be listening to Off Menu, and as soon as this bit starts, she turns it off and starts listening to something else.

1:23:24James Acaster: So I don't think a lot of people listen to the outros. The outros are always good, though, I think. Yeah, I think they're good, but she's in love with me and she's not listening to them. I mean, I'm imagining that the average listener is just going, okay, cool, chat's over. Sorry, but she's actually listening to the podcast, though. My wife ain't listening to the podcast. Yeah, I'm aware of that. Yeah. She's not even pressing play. Well, there we are. Another great outro done. Benito, can you put the edit thing of like a TV being turned off where it goes like down to a small dot yeah I'd like that to be the end yeah do it do it like that so it goes down to the small dot and then do you want the dot to go yeah and then the dot fades yeah yeah that's like a TV being turned off yeah like and subscribe oh that's good did they say that I think we've even told people that this is on YouTube he likes us to do that in the intros oh yeah sorry this is on YouTube tomorrow too late now or now if you're watching it my girlfriend's turned this off ages ago she doesn't know it's on YouTube I'd love to just move down.

1:24:17James Acaster: Just move down. Bye. Bye.