Nicola Coughlan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

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0:55Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Bonus. Bonus. A bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James.

1:03James Acaster: The Royal Albert Hall. We did six shows there. Absolutely bonkers. This is our second matinee. Yes. Of course. Nicola Coughlin is our guest. Nicola Coughlin! A returning guest to do a tasting menu. The first time Nicola came on was over Zoom. She locked herself out of her house. Yeah. So we're quite keen to have Nicola in a live episode where there's zero chance of that happening. Would have been funny, though. Would have been very funny. Lock yourself out at the Royal Albert Hall. You know what I've just remembered as well? Go on. Because I remember popping in and saying hi to Nicola before the show, and there was like, each guest had some snacks and stuff in there.

1:41James Acaster: Yeah. And Benito had gone out of his way to make sure they had stuff that related to their initial episode. Yeah, it was pretty nice. It was pretty nice. And the guests were always, when they saw that, they thanked me and James so much. Yeah, we got so many thank yous. I didn't even know it had happened. And they were like, oh, just like, you got my dream drink there. And sometimes it was a cocktail that they had mentioned. And like, Benito had got all the ingredients for the dream drink and made sure that they got their dream cocktail before going on at the Royal Albert Hall. Very, very nice.

2:07James Acaster: Really, really thoughtful. Really thoughtful. The whole Plosive team arranged that, made sure it happened. These guys are the best in the biz. They're the best in the biz. And I guess we're just lucky to be on this train, you know. They didn't get us our favourite dream things in our dressing room. Well, they did get us quite a lot in the dressing room. They were like naked bars and stuff. Yeah, but that's probably what you've asked for in the past. Yeah, so I've been very clear. Because in the past, I think, if they've got us nice snacks like chockeys and stuff, you go, oh, fuck, I don't want that there.

2:44I can eat all of it, I feel sick.

2:46James Acaster: You say that too. We both say it. This is Ed and I, if we go in and they're like, oh, fuck's sake, Benito. oh thank you we're just going to look like a couple of fucking idiots now and then roll up a horn just all bloated like we just ate a load of fucking chocolate oh thank you mate yeah they look ugly as fuck yeah the guy can't win he can't win and he never will and he knows that yeah he knows he can't win with us doesn't deserve to I'll tell you who can win Nicola Coughlin yes a fantastic guest a returning guest being given the menu of a previous guest in what we have dubbed the tasting menu yeah there'll be loads of callbacks in the show to the first half so don't worry about that you're not stupid you just weren't there yeah yeah that should be get that on a t-shirt sell that as merch we did sell merch of these as well yeah yeah great merch flew off like hotcakes flew like hotcakes in fact the next time we do live shows we're going to sell hotcakes we should sell hotcakes because it's a podcast it kind of suits it doesn't it yeah yeah yeah because it's food podcast yeah food podcast so let's do hotcakes next time yeah and we'll see how well they sell yeah I bet that was so well this is the off-menu tasting menu of Nicola Coughlin.

4:01James Acaster: Anyone have anything to eat in the break? Shout out if you had anything brilliant to eat. Shout out the exact thing you had to eat. Well, why the fuck did you do that, James? Did you pick up on any of those things? Nope. Okay, cool. Great, great panther. A man up there. Shout it again. Pistachios.

4:28Amazing to hear someone go through puberty live, isn't it? Pistachios!

4:33James Acaster: Some pistachios. Pistachios remind me of my dad's bare feet. Cool, let's crack on with the episode. What are you on about? He used to eat pistachios in front of Football Focus in his bare feet on a Saturday. yeah just walk in the living room and he'd be there eating the pistachios and the skin of the pistachios was the same as the bottom of his feet

4:59it's amazing being a parent it must be incredible you're just trying to have a nice relaxing Saturday little do you know you're scarring your child for life yeah

5:07James Acaster: I'm going to tell everyone in the Royal Albert Hall in 30 years time he's not in today is he? he's not in no no he's hanging out with my mum for Mother's Day as is tradition Oh man, I hope she's not his mum Do you say, I hope she's not his mum?

5:27Why else would he be with her for Mother's Day? What a fear, what a new fear you've unlocked That it turns out your mum's your dad's mum And then is she also your mum? I don't even want to think about it Ed

5:41James Acaster: I hope none of that's happened Let's just get the guest on Would you like me to kick off the podcast and only the way I know how? Yes, kick it off proper, Ed. I'm sorry that I said what I just said. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking whatever's in the fridge of conversation. Dumping it into the pasta of humour. And then hoping that James doesn't cuck your dad with your mum. I promise I won't. I promise I will not do that ever. This is the Off Menu Podcast. Every single week, And Gamble and I, we invited a guest after the paper ever started, made us a side dish and drink, not in that order.

6:21James Acaster: But this week, we are giving someone else's menu to someone else. Come on, man, you know what this is. We've done this before. My dad's my son. How many of your dad's your son? Oh, no. No, that's not what you said. You were worried that your mum's your dad's mum. You were worried that your mum's your grandma or that you're your dad's brother. At no point did you say that your dad's your son, because that means you had sex with your mum. No. You had sex with your mum and your dad's your brother. My family tree's a circle. What an awful way to bring on a special guest. We cannot wait to welcome her back on the podcast.

7:00She's absolutely brilliant. James, you've got to do this with me. Come on. Please welcome to the stage, Nicola Coughlin!

7:20Right there in the middle, please, Nicola. It's Nicola Coughlin, everyone! Nicola Coughlin! So excited to have you here, Nicola. Welcome back. Fancy cans of water, thanks so much. Of course, yeah. We treat our guests well. You get a can of water. Only one, though. Only one. Don't open it for you before you come on. I'm going to really enjoy it. it's your first time actually in in the flesh on the pod yes because you did it on zoom the first time you did it it's quite eventful it was quite eventful yes i don't know if anyone remembers this happening in nicola's episode um but nicola locked herself out of her flat during the episode i think i'd sent something off with a courier so i wasn't expecting a caller and then we were having a chat and the doorbell kept going i was like oh god and my friend had recently said you know you can put your door on the latch which i was like wow this new invention that no one's ever done so I put the door on the latch went downstairs talked to the driver then came back up and my door was closed yes and I was like wow everything I own is in that flat and they are on zoom and then my neighbor my old neighbor used to have leave a key in her door because she had a cat so I had to sort of break in go through her flat find a spare key and come back and you can kind of tell if you look at the menu that I had because it was super normal and I had prepared and then it all sort of went to shit and it sort of started talking about imaginary food from a hook.

8:43I got off that podcast record and was like they'll never let me do anything again in the world in general. But here you are. Your first job since the podcast. I know. It's been really tough.

8:56James Acaster: I remember it was quite the feeling sitting on that Zoom and you were like, sorry let's go and get something, I'll be back in a second. And you went and then it just got longer and longer. And we were there just like talking to each other. Then every now and again, Benito would go, I'm a bit worried about Nicola. She'll be back, Benito. Also being in my neighbour's flat, just rummaging through it while a cat was like, I was like, this is bad. This is really bad. So I didn't know that you broke into your neighbour's flat. Sort of. Yes. She used to leave a key in the door in case her cat got into trouble.

9:31I don't know how I would know. I just like sense it. Be like. Oh, yeah. But yeah, that was the idea. Where my brain went there is that she was leaving the key in the door for the cat to use if it got in trouble. It was also that. Do you want to talk about your mum being your dad? Not really. We can make space for that if that's something you need. No, no, we can just breeze past that, please. I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for saying it. I did. James, we can't start the podcast properly until you're a genie. Sorry, yeah, I've got to do my proper entrance.

10:01James Acaster: Hold on a second. this is far more exciting than zoom it's a bit more exciting than zoom yeah i shouldn't look right no that was amazing nicola looked away and went oh i shouldn't look should i as if this is the equivalent of seeing a genie naked sort of feels like it it felt inappropriate oh jesus it does feel a bit inappropriate for you guys this is very impressive for these guys not so much. Someone just took my photo. For a guy who moved his phone up. Now, Nicola, I don't know how you would get a genie out of a lamp, but if you would like to rub the lamp, you're very welcome to. I feel like it should be this bit, right?

10:43Rub whatever bit you like. Here we go. Oh, something's happening. Something's happening.

10:51James Acaster: Whoa! Welcome Nicola Coughlin Back to the drink restaurant. The best one to give us some time. Wow. That was amazing. Pretty cool, right? I loved it. I inhaled a lot of that smoke today. A little bit lightheaded. When you came on the pod last time, you described something you'd seen Robbie Williams eat. Yes. And you weren't sure what it was. And for ages, Benito's entire timeline on Twitter was just people telling him what it was. Did you have that as well? If anyone sends the words oat cake to me again, just get away from me. Stop. Yes. My whole life I didn't know what it was, and then I know too much now if that's possible.

11:34But Robbie Williams, when I was a child, I watched him eating this wrap, which for some reason seemed like the most exotic thing in the world, and it was a Stoke oat cake, which I still haven't had. Are they good? Yeah, that sounds good. I'm taking that to not be negative. But I was just in Manchester, actually, and my sister was like, you need to go Stoke on Trent and get one. I didn't quite, but one day.

11:56James Acaster: We should have got you one, really, for today. I know. Can you sort that out? Say again. Yeah, sounds good. Is it good? Yeah, we fucking know what it is. Just to be clear, this bit started with Nicholas saying, I know all too well what it is now. Savory pancake! I've got to take the bacon. did you originally when that episode went out did you tweet that to the podcast and to Nicola anyway cool we've changed her into silence the only words a person knows is savoury pancake and cheese and bacon can't say anything else I'm afraid oh back again forget it there's absolutely no way we're carrying this on we know where this is going It's someone learning English and their duolingo's broken.

12:53It's only taught them savoury pancake. I guess that's what you just say in every situation. I'm a burger!

13:00James Acaster: Now we're going to give you another guest's menu. Yeah. Is there any guests you... I have no clue. Anyone you'd hope for? Not Joel Dummett?

13:12No, I think anyone would be good. You've had very fancy guests on, haven't you?

13:17James Acaster: Yeah, some pretty fancy guests. We've had some pretty fancy guests on. It's just something to hear me like, Michelle Obama, you're like, okay. Well, I know you have, not yet, but I'm sure one day. One day, surely it's going to happen. In fact, guys, she's here tonight. Michelle! She's in the lamp. Yeah. I heard a great Michelle Obama story recently when, like, her and, I think his name's Barack Obama, went to a... Her hubby, hubby, she calls him. They went, like, to this, like, I think it was, let's say, a burger restaurant, for sake of argument, and the owner came over and was like, Michelle, so good to see you again.

13:48James Acaster: We haven't seen... and they used to date and they were catching up and he went away and Barack Obama was like, if you'd stay with that guy, you'd have ended up inheriting a burger restaurant. She went, if I stay with that guy, he'd be president of the United States of America.

14:09James Acaster: It's good stuff. It's really good. Happy Mother's Day, everyone. Michelle. I can't wait for us to get Michelle Obama on the podcast and when she starts to tell that story, you go, yeah, yeah, I've heard this one. I said that to Stephen Graham. I started telling the story. I said, I know this. Ed absolutely told me to rip things over it. Graham loving it. And then I beat him up. Yeah. That bit didn't make the pod, but you beat him up, didn't you? Yeah, beat him up in one interrupted take. And that's what Ad Essence is about. It's great. Right. We're going to reveal now. whose menu you're going to be eating.

14:50I feel nervous.

14:51James Acaster: Today, this afternoon, we are going to be giving you the off-menu menu of Siobhan from Sweden! Oh, look at it! Oh, that's thrilling. The thing is, we've been putting photos up of the people whose menus they are, and today Benito's picked one that makes it really look like Siobhan's on a video call about to speak to us. It really does. Or has recorded a message for us. That might have been a good idea, actually for the chance I just spent the last five months working with Siobhan again on a play and then I used to come home quite late in the evening at like 11pm and put on Pottery Throwdown you just couldn't be away from her for too long no separation anxiety like my mind like ah here she is again here she is and it's really funny because I was like god it's such a great programme she went it is and I said I just love seeing you come on she was like so do I and I was like that's the kind of Michelle Obama, Siobhan McSweeney, self-love we should all have, you know?

15:51That's interesting because my only contact with Siobhan after the podcast has been every year I message her a compliment about something she's done. Like I'll see her on a show and be like, brilliant on that and then I'll see her on something else. I saw her on Irish Tracers and I was like, I should message her about that and I went back and the last thing I'd sent her was a compliment about sitcom. Yeah, she's fantastic. Yeah, she's amazing. My family came over to watch the play that we were in and all they cared about was meeting Siobhan afterwards and my nephew who I said the last time you reminded me of.

16:18Yeah. Still stands very much. Yes. Compliment received. James is a real nephew character. Real nephew character. He was 11 at the time. He's now 16 because of how time works. But yeah, he sat Siobhan down and pitched loads of traitors ideas for her, but she listened to all of them very kindly after a three-hour show. So she's a real one. She's great.

16:38James Acaster: Last time I saw Siobhan, I was walking down the street and she was cycling the other way and I went, hi Siobhan, and she cycled right past me. The other day I said to her, like, there's a whole, you know, people talk a lot about Irish actors at the minute. They're like, doing really well. And she goes, well, I'm sick of it. Because, like, you kind of never know when Siobhan will turn on a thing. She'll be like, no, it's too much now. So I'm sorry for any Irish person here who's working, you know, thinks we've been culturally celebrated. It's done. Yeah. It's over. There's too much of us. Yeah.

17:09Jesse Buckley is going to get the Oscar tonight and then just, let's finish it there. We've had enough. Let's give the Swedes a chance, I say.

17:17James Acaster: You know who I hope wins the Oscar? Cats. Just general cats. All cats that Jessie Buckley apparently hates. Oh, yes, of course. Oh, I thought you meant the film Cats. I thought you meant just cats on the street. No way. But didn't she say the cat, like, pooped on her pillow? That seems like a pointed attack. She said she hates cats, and she said to her husband, it's either the cats on me, or I leave or the cats leave, to the Hudson. you don't who do you so you want just a cat to win an oscar that would be an incredible moment of the oscar like they open it and they're like it's it's cats and then all the cats start coming on stage like an army yeah and just the only goes ah and runs away i watch it rumbling and then they all go in the whole audience swarmed by cats um my friend who is here who is a huge fan of the podcast went to see the movie cats and was under the influence of something and she fell very slowly down the stairs during memories.

18:22James Acaster: For your water course, you just chose still water. Yeah, I want that, but I want ice. What's our problem? Americans are like, I don't like lukewarm water. I'm like, me neither. You're correct about that. Gun safety incorrect. Ice and water, deadly correct. Thank you for clearing that up. And that's why I've come here today. This is not going to be fun. But do you know what I mean? Lukewarm water is gross. Yeah, I mean, one person whoops as if everyone else disagrees. Well, thank you, it feels nice to have a friend. It's too much ice in America, though. And it's too small. Didn't mean it like that, but I also do mean that.

19:02That suggests that there is a level of ice that I'm happy with. And there should be. Because they make it like a slushie in America. it's they do

19:12James Acaster: it's like it's talking about something else yeah the ice raids the way I just said yeah and actual ice though and there should be some there should be it gets a bit slushy otherwise that went so far over my head it nearly knocked the set over it's incredible but yes when they make it like a when they make it like a slushy slushy oh no a slushy I've panicked when they use the frozen normally the frozen water comes in cubes doesn't it Yes But sometimes they grind up the frozen water And put it in And then you're sort of talking to someone And then you're eating ice at them And it's like It's an awkward But I would like ice please Can I have it?

19:52James Acaster: Well no Because this isn't your dream menu It's Siobhan's So you're getting Sparkling water left open overnight Why? Sounds nice doesn't it? That's basically still water It sounds the worst It tastes like sparkling water tastes like salty in a really bad way and then left overnight so what it's it's got a few weird bubbles in it that you're not expecting oh no it's gone completely flat this is basically still water it's what you wanted yeah it's still water but i think it has a weird taste like a spoon has been in it doesn't it yeah why was what was her reasoning that's a good question i think she genuinely liked she liked the flavor of flat sparkling water yeah so she wanted to leave it open overnight and drink it in the morning so you've still got that because technically you would have thought that flat sparkling water just is still water right but it's really not is it it's like you say it's got that no it's old spoon water yeah with random surprise bubble it's spoon water in bad time it's not good i don't know i kept trying to convince siobhan to drink electrolytes i think when you're doing a show for a long time and every day i'd be like do you want an electrolyte she'd be like i don't i had my baraka and i'd be like all right so she does like a barocca i know that but that is an unforgivable choice i had a barocca this morning before i got in the car and i felt queasy yeah it's pretty rock and roll at this one of shows party yeah pretty cool pretty bad do you um i bought some off-brand barocca and it's it just doesn't hit the same um my friend jason who does my hair he always recommends me really expensive of things that I get addicted to yeah so there's a current brand of electrolytes that I keep having and then I found out that you're not meant to drink them in the wrong amount of water because it's really bad for you I just kept putting them in any receptacle and going I'm sure this is fine and I think I had like really dangerous salt levels yeah it's just salt isn't it basically yeah but I was like well I need to do this every day for at least two months until I forget about it and never do it again but you were putting them in things that weren't water oh no just things that weren't proper cups.

21:59I'd find things in my dressing room in the theatre like a champagne glass I'd sort of take in from the bar upstairs and have it in that and come out and they'd be like, oh, what's she like? And then I'd be poisoning myself with salt.

22:09James Acaster: So that's bad for you? You need to put them in a specific amount of water. I didn't know or check that. So I was just down in salt, like nobody's business. Were you thinking Nicola was putting it on like scrambled eggs and stuff? I thought you were saying, yeah, you were just like putting it in a Dr Pepper or something. I did inhale a good deal of it this morning. it's very and I'm listening to a podcast about anthrax side note but it's bad timing because I sort of put it in water and it went up into my nose and I was coughing and I was like anthrax but you don't know what happened with anthrax do you I won't go on about this but I am really into the podcast but like anthrax just happened and then it's over and we were like who did it do we know maybe someone knows I'll finish the podcast and I'll come back anthrax was massive it was massive people were putting in letters and stuff I was a school child in Ireland and I was like I don't know how this is going to affect me yeah how am I going to continue about my life anthrax and quicksand huge things in my life oh my god and then through on the Bermuda Triangle you're having a spiral for yourself you're really on something yeah the thing now with like email it's like it's kind of like phased out anthrax yeah yeah but if you got if you got a letter now you open it right because you're excited to get a letter no no actually I don't think the last time I got a good letter was everything in the post is like bills or statements that I told my bank to stop sending me and they don't listen to I got a card my name nicely written in an envelope to my house through the day and I was like someone's trying to kill me I was like oh my god and I brought it and I sat on the couch on my own really dramatically and was like okay here I go opened up it was my best friend's mum was like thank you for my birthday flowers and I was like oh there's something wrong with my brain yeah but yeah letters are scary Anyways, water.

23:59James Acaster: Well, for poppadoms or bread, you wanted... Oh, it's great stuff. Maltese bread with olive oil, salt and balsamic vinegar. Yeah. There is an explanation for this, and we are going to have to go through it. But Siobhan, this is what you're going to have. Siobhan's dream poppadoms or bread is shards of poppadoms throughout the meal with Mother's Irish soda bread and band and co-op butter. What does she mean, shards? Is someone throwing them at her? she has burst through a giant poppadom yes oh yeah she starts off in a box of poppadoms like all the walls and ceilings are a box and this episode was mental right and then she wants to bust out the side of the wall and all the shards of poppadoms are around her and then she can pick up and eat all the shards throughout the meal yeah that's fantastic yeah it's pretty good right yeah I think that's going to be on the next series of Irish Traitors the coffins are going to be made out of poppadoms inevitably yeah also don't you find I love popping on so much, but then I will eat so many of the dips that every time the curry comes, I'm like, what is that?

24:59I don't want that. Why is that there? That's there to shame me. It's just so nice. Yeah. And a tiny little bit of... But do you ever... Do you know sometimes some takeaways send you, like, a salad in a small plastic bag? Yeah. Tied really tightly. Has everyone ever gone, oh, yum? Oh, brilliant. I was really hoping I'd get that.

25:16James Acaster: The surprise one. I got set... I ordered a takeaway, and there was a little brown paper bag and they'd written in felt tip on it, you are loved. And I opened it and it was the brownest mankiest apple I've ever seen in my life. I've had that happen to me. It's from a place, it's like Middle Eastern wraps or something. Yeah, it was. It was a... And it was a weird apple and they wrote up, yes. Yeah, I think this was the same place. It was Jakob's Kitchen actually. Yes, it is that. We are the only two people that's ever happened to... You are loved. I like Jakob's kitchen, but they've got to stop the apple thing, because I didn't feel loved when I saw that apple.

25:58James Acaster: I've got bad news for you guys. That was anthrax. No! You're falling for it when they're putting you are loved on it, you fucking suckers. You are loved. It's all adding up. So they're pulling that trick on multiple people then, the you are loved, and then offloading their monkey apples. But I felt annoyed because it was a monkey apple that I didn't want, and I felt shamed by it. Yeah, because then you couldn't return their love because they want you to send the call back. We should go to Jacob's Kitchen with so many apples and be like, you're loved, you're loved. Just to see how it happened. I immediately took a photo of it.

26:31James Acaster: They discussed an apple next to the you are loved bag and I sent it to Joe Lysett and asked him if he could do a painting of it. Still hasn't done it yet, but it's a very Joe Lysett style painting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you ever were eating a shawarma and go, God, I'd really love an old apple. i'd really go nice with this do you want this so i'm going to give you a choice here do you want to be the one bursting through the giant poppadom or do you want siobhan to do that because siobhan has said that she does that and then eats it throughout the meal so technically her meal is siobhan has jumped through the poppadom and smashed it up but obviously you could do it as well who would you rather yeah i would like siobhan to do it because as i said i I used to work with her for five months in a row and then go home and watch her on the television.

27:15So I'd watch her pretty much do anything.

27:17James Acaster: Yeah. And she'd know she'd be good at it and she'd tell you. So I would enjoy the whole experience. She said she'd want to clean herself beforehand. And this is the phrase she used, to not make dirty. Yes. Yeah. Okay, yeah. That's the least I would hope for. So yes, please. You don't want Siobhan to make dirty poppadom. Absolutely not. No. And I never have. I would like that to be on the record. Mother's Irish soda bread. Band and Co-op butter? Have you had that before? That's a cork thing. Yeah. I have not had it. I don't... I will agree that I don't like English butter. That's fair. You do all you want, you're incorrect.

27:55It's all about the Irish butter. Proud English people here today. Yeah, but it's like... I have some Lurpak in my fridge and I'm just like, what is this? White. I don't think that's English, is it? Lurpak. Oh, it's Danish, isn't it? That's Danish, isn't it? But English people like Lurpak. I feel confident making that broad statement, yes? Lurpak's very popular here. I've got Lurpak in the fridge, I'm ashamed to admit. Well, why don't you have Kerrygold or this Connick gold? Well, look, I'm going to be honest with you. Butter is quite often, it needs to be convenient. I need to be able to spread it straight away.

28:28Lurpak's spreadable, I'm using. The Kerrygold, you get it out of the fridge, you have to leave it for six hours before it's not a house brick. But you need a butter dish. I do need a butter dish, but I feel weird about leaving dairy out of the fridge all day. It's got so much salt in it. Yeah. Also, just growing up, we always had it out, and people questioned, like, is that safe? I'm like, I assume so. I'm not dead. Yeah. I think it's fine, right? Yeah. Well, I believe Siobhan's butter, the band and co-op butter, she said there's something about the constituent parts of it that means you can put it in the fridge and it stays soft in the fridge, and it's the only butter in the world that can do that.

29:05I feel worried about it. Do you feel worried about it? That sounds great. No? But is it chemicals? Yeah, I'm worried about it. Yeah. Oh, no. No, I'm worried about it. You guys are very worried about chemical attacks. There might be anthrax in this button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mainly about anthrax. No, I think... I don't know. I've just remembered Chemical Alley. Do you remember Chemical Alley? What was that? You don't hear from that guy anymore. That sounds familiar. What's Chemical Alley? He was one of the bad lads from the papers. I can't remember which regime. Benita, pull up a picture of Chemical Alley Does anyone else remember Chemical Alley?

29:41He's dead, is he? Cool, cheers Which side was he on? Iraq Okay Yeah, Chemical Alley I just don't think we should give those guys a nickname Especially a really cool one It's a fucking cool nickname Chemical Alley He's with all his friends, he's like, guys, they're calling me it's so stupid it's so stupid they're calling me Chemical Alley like you guys shouldn't ever call me that but if you do I'll get why you're doing it like I could wear it on a t-shirt but I won't I won't but I might I was thinking I might write to the Chemical Brothers and see if I can join have you ever tried to give yourself a nickname yeah yeah it's a terrible experience me and my friend Henry Bott when we were at school I knew you'd like that Henry Bott of course I liked that when we were at school we used to watch The Bill every sure I think it was three times a week, maybe twice a week.

30:34We used to watch The Bill all the time, and then we were like, we want to be like cool detectives, like The Bill. Of course. Because they were all the coolest police. Pretty cool, yeah. So we decided to make some criminal files for ourselves and then for the criminals that we were chasing. Sure. So we didn't have nicknames within that, but we also had separate nicknames because we watched the film Three Ninjas, High Nune at Mega Mountain, which was an absolute classic, some of Hulk Hogan's finest work. and they had nicknames in that and so his nickname was Hans because he said he was good at catching and my nickname was Blade and we tried it for one day at school I remember the day where we were like call each other that and then other people would pick up on it and I was like hey Hans and he went alright Blade and then we both sort of went we're like we're not doing that so hold on his name was Hans because he was good at catching why were you Blade?

31:28I don't think I got that far I think I'd quite like to have carried a knife like a switchblade sort of thing, that was the sort of thing I was into

31:36James Acaster: and sorry, just to be clear again the story about the bill is irrelevant

31:42I liked it did you see the pivot halfway through where I remembered that it wasn't to do with that and I'd actually revealed far too much because I didn't actually want to go into the bill thing because very few policemen keep their criminal records in a Dennis the Menace folder were you in the fan club yeah big time me too love the bit of the fan club yeah any any nicknames

32:03James Acaster: that you tried to make happen no i never tried to get a nickname going i really desperately wanted people to give me a nickname but um i remember in music class once uh mr taylor on the first day of like music in year seven was like when you go around the room and you've all got to make your names into like a jingle into songs to show that just music you know get you thinking musically and we'll learn everyone's names that way and it got to me and he said you can use nicknames if you want I was like right I've got to think of I can't just say James, how pathetic I was like right I've got to think of a nickname so he got to me and I went, Aikki Aikki Aikki

32:46James Acaster: and it was like just frozen going I need to change schools Aikki Aikki Aikki Aiky, Aiky, Aiky. So was Aiky going to be your nickname or was it Aiky, Aiky, Aiky every time? Aiky, not Aiky. Aiky, like A-caster. Aiky, like A-caster. It sounds like Aiky, Aiky, Aiky, man. Anyone else think they heard Aiky, Aiky, Aiky? Yeah. Is the dress blue?

33:13James Acaster: Aiky, Aiky, Aiky. Aiky, I was trying to get going, which is not really a cool name. No. I'm so Aiky. It becomes a very good nickname now after I've run around the stage and can't get my breath back. What about you? What about you, Nicola? I really wanted to. I just didn't know how to do it. But then, you know, everyone got their first emails. When they were at 13, 14, I was like, this is it. This is my chance. Yeah. And for some reason, I enjoyed the sugar babes, right? I wasn't a huge fan of them. It's really important that you know that. So my first email was sugar, S-U-G-A, underscore Nikki at hotmail.com.

33:50Beautiful. And I was like, sugar Nikki. Do you think I ever uttered those words out of the embarrassment? No, I couldn't. But I really felt like I could do something with that and it never went anywhere.

34:01James Acaster: I was Jammy Rock. Jammy Rock at Yahoo.

34:07Mouthforwar69 at Hotmail.com

34:22That's how podcast advertising works. A host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words, in their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. It's part of it. With Acast, you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace. Choose the right shows, the right audiences, the right format. Then watch the data tell you it worked. You're not buying impressions. You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

34:55James Acaster: your starter when you came on was garlic crab claws in butter that's nice they're so good i've had them many times since excellent uh but that's not what we're getting today you're getting siobhan mcsweeney's starter which is crab claws from the summer of 1996 and we like them throughout the meal as well. I like this throughout the meal. Did you know that you and Siobhan have the same dream starter? No. That's the first time this has happened. Really? It's pretty exciting. We had them together. We had them in West Cork together. But not the same ones from mine, but they were garlicky buttery crab claws and some Irish soda bread.

35:37Possibly with that butter. Where am I? What's going on? Yeah, they're just so good. We were quite hung over and we had them. It's, you know, like just a demented hungover meal that you would never eat again but at the time you're like there's no better combination than this yeah so it was garlic crab claws wedges and curry sauce it was absolutely fantastic that's some really good it was thrilling yeah i loved it oh this is

36:04James Acaster: brilliant when you and shivorma eating the crab claws together yeah um were you sharing a big bowl of them or were you just like we were just quite hungover because we west cork is an amazingly beautiful place but it's quite remote so we went to this pub that shabon knew the guy that owned it and then we ended up there past closing and then we'd been given a number of like oh here's that's poddy's number now he's led you'll ring when this is this is done he'll bring you home and then we were like um we had no reception so we're like can we use the landline to ring poddy and they're like whose number do you have poddy i should know poddy goes to bed at 10 p.m no you won't get poddy and we were like oh okay and shabon's uncle that's it now we're here we're stuck here so we were in this pub and we were there until like 6 a.m and Siobhan was singing but Poddy was in bed so nobody could come and get us and so the next day was when we were eating so it was somewhat non-verbal I would say yeah yeah yeah it'd been a pretty we had that when we were on the run yeah yeah when we did Celebrity Hunted was that the most stressful thing in the world yeah and we showed it you know we really we committed so hard to it Nick so it was it was pretty full on.

37:13Did they really? No, I haven't seen it. What do you reckon? Do you think we committed to it or do you think we horsed around like a couple of goofballs? I think maybe the latter. Yeah, I think so. I would enjoy that. Messed around like a couple of lunkheads for the whole thing.

37:26James Acaster: Some other people took it quite seriously. Yeah. And it probably was quite stressful for them. But like most of us, I think pretty much everyone on that series wasn't taking it seriously. It was the first series where everyone got caught. Yes. Oh, fantastic. But we lay low in a pub one night and I'm really, really glad they didn't use any of that footage. So I remember we had to do a diary at the end of the day. Yeah. Oh no. Because they were like, at the end of every day do a diary. Ed and I are just on the hotel bed. And I dread to think what we were saying would have been awful with the director just as drunk as us.

38:07Do you think that the people, like the crews really sometimes just get sick of people and give like the team clues as to where they are you're like they're in the services on the m6 like just come on i'm done 100 it's so funny how excited the hunters are to catch you as well they're so invested in it they like chased me down the street and got me they're like yes we got you in your face i'm like i i've been pissing about for a week how how did you not get me immediately we were released from shrewsbury prison and the first thing we did was went to a restaurant in shrewsbury this is not difficult guys you know sometimes you realize like how different people Bilarity you're like I couldn't be excited or care or want to hunt someone like have you watched Alone?

38:45Has anyone watched that show where they basically drop people into the wilderness to survive and the men are always like I think I'm going to be amazing at this and day three you're like yeah my wife probably needs me to come back now and the women have built like a tiny village and they're like so you know this is all fine but also those people I'm like I would never want to do that if they're like we're going to drop you in the Canadian wilderness I'm like no you're not.

39:04James Acaster: You wouldn't do it? Would I? No! Would you do any of those shows? No. You wouldn't do Hunted? no i want to be on the couch it's so nice and good you do so you do goggle box oh maybe that's literally what you described i don't want to work i think that's what i've realized trying to make me work and i want to have a break i think this is what i'm getting at in my brain have you seen that show naked and afraid do you know this show i've heard of it i've not seen it it's where they drop them into the middle of the wilderness but the twist is they're butt naked I bet the men get sepsis like immediately just by looking at something people get really ill they have to just take the women are like down to tiny twigs and they're like singing along and everything psychologically the men just die not literally but very nearly I would never do a show like that you wouldn't do Naked and Afraid?

39:54no also I'm diabetic I'd last one episode you're not allowed anything you've got to be completely naked not even my insulin? get out there naked boy

40:04James Acaster: I'd like to do just the normal is Naked Attraction still a thing? A normal Naked Attraction not the celebrity one but like there's two versions of Naked Attraction they've never done, Celebrity and Junior those are the

40:24James Acaster: they should do a celebrity one because then it would be like you don't know who it is until the end who do you think they get it and I was like that's a really damning indictment whoever you might say straight away as soon as they see your dick that's James yeah you see the feet James Acaster's dead that's pistachios baby little pistachio feet gross so your main course that you chose was Robbie Williams' Stoke-on-Trent mystery rap but we know what it is now have you met Robbie Williams since have you interacted with him no I've never met any of you take that that would be exciting though if you did one day it's going to happen and you have to bring up the oat cake.

41:03But I, like, as a child didn't realise how homoerotic those videos were. There was one of them, do you remember the first time I was like, do what you like? And there was a band first video in which they were getting their bums washed by a mop. Yeah. What? That's the first take that video. I swear to God. Benito, pull that up, put it on the big screen. Yeah, and then they made a more PG version of it, where they didn't have their bums out. But as a child, you're like, this is brilliant. Sure.

41:30James Acaster: That just makes me think they've got really dirty bums. Yeah, I know. It's not sexy. Well, take that was everyone's dream man. Some people would probably find it sexy to have a dirty bum and wash it with a mop. There's a shoe for every foot. Yeah, I agree. There's a shoe for every foot. Yes, I know there's a shoe for every foot. And I'm sure there are people out there who love a dirty bum washed with a mop. But it surprises me that they achieved such mainstream success. And that was the debut single as well. Yeah. Good on him. Who was, can you remember in the video, because I can't quite remember all the details, who was the mop?

42:12I want to say Gary Barlow. I haven't seen it in a... So was Gary Barlow fully clothed, cleaning the other guy's bones? I think. Can anyone verify that? I don't know whether that's... Gary was mopping the bums. Of course he would. Which is not a thing this morning I woke up and thought I would say on stage at the Royal Albert Hall. Did Gary, was Gary, did Gary have trousers on? Oh, so his bum was out as well? Who was holding the mop? A lady. No, you just said Gary was holding. So did Gary then mop his own bum?

42:45Fascinating. We'll find out when Benito puts it on the big screen at the end of the show. Like a witch on a broomstick. Yeah.

42:56They're all in a line on the ground. I can't stop seeing it. He does it now. He still does it live, Gary Barlow. but it's only singing a million love songs. Benito, get us a mop for the end of the show as well.

43:07James Acaster: Get us a mop, we're going to wash our bums. Siobhan McSweeney's dream main course, which you will be eating, is sausage and chips with chef's ketchup from Skib... Skibberine? Skibberine, old folks' home, and a cup of tea, Barry's tea, bag. Chalk water, one spoonful of semi-skimmed milk. well I hate it you hate it? I think it's rubbish why do you hate this? why don't you like sausage and chips with chef's ketchup from skippering old folks home? I feel like almost the question doesn't need to be asked I feel like it answers itself I don't also don't eat pork which I explain why the last time I spoke to you guys which is genuinely because I saw a video of a pig in a sink having a bath a baby pig and it was so cute that I literally viscerally went I can never eat pork again and that was like about eight years ago.

44:01Gary Barlow washing his bum with them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll never mop a bum again. Million of them. It's like I have the sausage. I'm just having mash. Why? Oh, yeah, she kind of... Did she live in an old folks home for a bit? She did. That's why.

44:17James Acaster: She lived there. She hurt her leg and she lived in an old folks home. Yes. Siobhan's Laura's. When that memo comes out... Not memo. Memoir. Memoir comes out. She really busted her leg up, didn't she? She really busts her leg up, yeah. And she'll show you the pictures. And it's, you have to, because it's, you can't be like, you have to be like, oh, it's so awful. But it's like, it looks like, but she's great now. She's great now. She can plank for ages. Side note, she used to plank every day. Oh, really? She's a serious planker. Have you seen her plank? Have I seen her plank? With your own eyes?

44:51Every day on the play. She'd do a, she'd go 30 second plank and make everyone get on the ground and sometimes I'd just run away. I didn't want to do it.

44:58James Acaster: What, in the aisle on the plane? Play, James. Not during the plane. Plane. Oh, play. Sorry, Nicola, you're saying play. James thinks you're saying plane. I'm watching it all unfold. It's fantastic to watch this happen. What, you can't plank on a plane? Surely. Some people do, man. You see people on long-haul flights doing full yoga in the galley area. Yeah, but remember planking as well? Yeah. What was that about? What were we all thinking? planking. Yeah, but that wasn't like the exercise planking. No, it was just lying flat on the thing. That's fucking stupid. Or was it? Should we bring it back?

45:36James Acaster: Oh yeah, so hold on. So it wasn't actually core strength, it was just lying flat on the stuff. Just lying flat on the thing. I'm a plank. Yes. She didn't do that, she did do real planks. I guess it's important to, you know, right now, the state of the world, there's a lot of stuff that we despair over, but it's good to remember that we've got through you know, not worse, but bad things in the past that are no longer a part of our lives. So if we can get through people pretending to be plants for no reason, hopefully we can get through. This too shall pass. Nothing springs to mind that's funny.

46:13James Acaster: What about the Barry's tea bag? Surely you like that. I'm so annoyed. I was going to say I'm very sensitive to caffeine. I'm very sensitive to caffeine. Very sensitive. And she likes these specific Barry's tea bags that are like, it's like the strong blend blackberry tea. Uh-huh. So that would make me have the shakes. Do you have any caffeine ever as you avoid it completely? I have like a Diet Coke in the afternoon. That's about the height of it. If I have a caffeinated coffee, I'm like, I'm going to die. Just usually know I'm about to die and I'll sweat and it's just not fun. I'll drink it before bed.

46:46I drink coffee before bed. ADHD? Well, undiagnosed, but... But yeah. I'd rather just keep having my coffee before bed. What kind of coffee is it? Americano? No, like a sort of espresso, like a double espresso. I'll have it after a meal and then go home and go to bed. I mean, you can call it ADHD. I can call it being a fucking legend.

47:09James Acaster: Uh-oh, Blade has joined the chat.

47:15Akey coming up the rear. The zingers. You can welcome Blade into the chat if you like. Hello, Blade. Welcome to the chat.

47:26James Acaster: Yeah, what's up? What's your dream main course, Blade? Pussy.

47:41Pussy. Real shame, that. Blade's gone now, by the way. Blade's gone. Oh, yeah? Don't ask him the rest of his courses, because they're remarkably similar.

47:54James Acaster: The cup of tea was made with cork water. Is that my... Well, no, London water is terrible, isn't it? Yeah. It's really hard water, and it's really bad. Yeah, really bad. I know, Edinburgh water is pretty amazing. You know, when you're with Fringe? You're like, it's really good stuff. Your hair, you're like, oh, my God, I'm a mermaid. And then you come back here, and it's all sort of... Yeah. So, okay, I can get along with the water. Fine, I won't have gripe with that. and the one spoonful of semi-skimmed milk. Is she measuring it out in a spoon? Yeah. She's mad. What's she doing? Right, it's a very precise cup of tea there.

48:26Very precise. That's, do I have to eat it in an old folks' home as well?

48:32James Acaster: I think so. It's from the old folks' home. From the old folks' home. But you can go there, I mean, I'm sure you'd like to go and see the old folks' home where your friend got better. Yeah, sure. Yeah? Why not? She often would send pictures of in the show in the evening what she was having. she would have like an egg and a piece of bread and we'd all go oh that looks lovely Siobhan sometimes you really know what to say or like she'd be like here's some cheese and you'd be like oh brilliant I was like yeah who's on this group chat? the cast of the play the playboy of the western world that we just did have you got a Bridgerton group chat as well?

49:05there's different ones every season so the new season is starting filming soon I was nearly about to say when and then I realised someone from Netflix would be like shut up at some point in the future there will be a new season but there's a new one every season amazing yeah and is the icon on the whatsapp group uh is it the person who the season's following yes it's generally like a weird when it was the season i was the lead on it was a picture of me holding a little dog and the dog's face was luke newton who was my co-star yeah and the previous season was a similar thing it was siobhan ashley is the queen of england with um jenny mailey as a corgi dog with his face.

49:43Season one was probably something a bit more serious. And then season four didn't have a picture. Oh, that's a shame. I know.

49:50James Acaster: Season five, who knows? Open for suggestions. Who knows? Who knows? Season four, we all started to lose enthusiasm for the show, do you think? No. Absolutely not. I think it was just a lot of new people and no one felt confident enough to sort of pick a group photo. What would you do if you haven't seen the script yet? and then you go on the new group and the picture is of Blade. And his new gentleman has come to town. What's up, Bridgerton? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would really love that. It would be great. Coming in on a motorbike, we just don't explain it. It's an anachronism. We're like, and what?

50:29It's Bridgerton, guys. We can do what we want.

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51:16James Acaster: Now the side dish you had the bang around gloops this is post getting locked out Yeah you can see things took a turn Now we told Benito we didn't need to make a slide for this but he's done it anyway so side dish included with me That is so Siobhan Well I've told you I've told you what it was I don't know why I'd have to say yeah so that's okay so straight onto the drink like it's a dream restaurant so she can have literally anything it's included with the main perfect I was going to ask another quick question about Bridgerton yes please are you aware that you've ruined most weddings I've been to because now everyone uses the string quartet music playing pop hits everyone at every fucking wedding yes this is what I think of I'm like if I get married my wedding music is going to have to be like screamo like something it's gonna have to be so un-British that I'll feel like I'm at work do you know what I'm saying?

52:10just so no one ever has to listen to Poker Face played on a violin again yeah I'm gonna have to wear like a Mr. Blobby suit everyone's gonna have to script there's gonna be no flowers probably gonna be like oh another day at the studio yeah it's gonna have to be like a German brutalist style wedding there can be well I will tell you the shock I had because we don't know what songs they're gonna pick yeah and there was this scene we filmed which was like a big intimacy proposal scene in a carriage and I watched it for the first time and I was like I wonder what song that is is that Pitbull.

52:41Okay. Right. And now that song will follow me till the day I die. Yeah. That scene was mad, man. Me and my wife had to shut the blinds in our living room. Yeah. Imagine your mother trying to watch it and you're like, ha ha ha, it's all fake. Yes, he's called Pitbull. Ignore what's going on on the screen. Listen to the tunes. Give me everything tonight. Beautiful. Yeah. Disgusting. I know, I'm sorry. Sorry, James. James is a prude Oh don't be watching that then

53:10James Acaster: No no no No thank you Revolting Be ashamed of yourselves Sully and the good name of Netflix

53:22James Acaster: You had a basil margarita as your drink Yeah delicious Shoram McSweeney chose A frozen margarita with chilli Doritos Doritos? What? I celebrated too soon so you know with a frozen margarita or any margarita you can get the salt round the rim or the chilli salt Siobhan wants the dust from the bottom of a Doritos packet is she thinking about like tajin the like smoky spicy salt or does she genuinely want just the end of the why am I even questioning she's a woman who knows what she wants but no what that's crunchy that's the broken up Iceland over again you're chewing your drink yeah I quite like the idea of it if I'm honest do you?

54:10I love tahini I think that's cool I don't know why it suddenly exploded yeah tahini's everywhere now you can't get away from tahini I don't know what that is you'd recognise it it comes in bottles it's like it's a funny shaped little bottle with a white lid and a green and red and white label maybe it's the Mexican flag because it has the bird in it

54:30James Acaster: yeah and then and you shake it I'm going to get you in a bottle of lemon juice. I can't get it out of my head. It's like this big... I was wondering, was she thinking of that and said, dust from Doritos? But no, that's what is what she wants. She wants dust from Doritos. Okay. She wants the dust from a packet and just roll the glass around in that. And then with every sip, you'll get some Dorito dust. Like that chili, salty flavor. Yeah. I mean, I like a salty... You can't say I like a salty rim, and I couldn't think of any other way to say it. It's the only way to say it. So it just had to come out.

54:59It was such an intrusive thought. I was like, just say salty rim. Don't say that around Blade. How do you know I haven't? But you often get that Joker salt thing here. The more you have, you just sort of have that Chelsea smile, but it's just salt on your face.

55:15James Acaster: Chelsea smile, what a beautiful reference. And pretty street and cool. Yeah, I know what you mean. My dad ate some chicken wings once and looked like the Joker from Dark Knight, that specific Joker. and my dad just always too proud to it. So I said, dad, that's all over your face. He went, yeah, I know. That's the only way to deal with it. Won't get rid of it. I was re-watching the greatest show in the world the other day, Vanderpump Rules. Have you ever seen it? Yes. Oh my God. I've interviewed Lisa Vanderpump in her restaurant. Did you have a little bit of a crush? No. Incorrect answer, but continue.

55:55For context, at the time I was doing a TV show where I had to pretend to be 51st in line to the throne. Yes. Yes. I know this. So we interviewed Lisa Vanderpump. She's one of the only people who called us out that we were not real. Yeah. And she was holding... Her dog at the time was called Chiggy. Chiggy? Yeah. Yeah. RIP. Her dog was called Chiggy. RIP. It's my agent's name. You hate him?

56:16James Acaster: My agent is called Chiggy. Oh, I thought you said you hate him. Was it you hate the dead dog? No, I don't. The new Jesse Buckley, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, the opposite. She hates the live cats. I hate dead dogs. Chiggy was one of those really fucked up dogs with like a tongue like lolling out it did not look well when I I didn't interview him I interviewed Lisa Vanderpump but yeah she really called us on it she was like you're not you're not members of the royal family I know Earl Spencer and said I'm going to go and call Earl Spencer and the only other person who called us out was Gwyneth Paltrow's guru classic him Shaman Derek he called us out because to be fair I did push it too far he does a thing where he says I'm going to get all the poison out of you.

56:58And I'd drunk loads of Pepsi Max before we filmed, so I did a massive burp in his face. And he said, I will not be part of this. This is some sort of ab fab. That was his only reference for comedy, was ab fab. Yeah, it's pretty good, though.

57:10James Acaster: So we left. The other twist is that Ed is a member of the royal family to the extent that he's in the Epstein files.

57:18Excuse me, I'm not in the Epstein files because I'm a member of the royal family. I earned my way into the Epstein files. It's not nepotism. I worked hard. I was like, why did I bring that up? Someone on Vanderpump had a stain on their shoulder. And I was like, that's so stupid. And then the next day I got one in the exact same place. And I went, oh, look at me in my glass house. But it brought us on a beautiful journey. I'm glad. Yeah.

57:44James Acaster: What is Vanderpump? What is it? Oh, it's so good. It's a reality show that's so good because it's basically based on a real group of friends who are all in relationships and friendships together. and it's just like a hotbed of misogyny and adultery. And it's 10 seasons, well, it's more than 10, but anyway. But it's brilliant. Every season you're like, I can't believe it's just so quotable. What's the best thing that's happened on Van der Pugels? There was a huge cheating scandal. A guy dated a girl for 10 years and cheated on her with her best friend. And his name is Tom Sandoval, so it was referred to as Scandoval.

58:21and when it explodes it's crazy she says to him his ex-girlfriend now says I want you to hear this from the mouth of the woman who loved you you mean nothing and it's like Shakespeare wishes Lisa Vanderpump was one of the original Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as well she's always like this darling like she's sort of she's like oh no come on Jax no I can't be yeah I love her

58:49James Acaster: I have heard of that yeah Yeah, she was an offshoot of that, but it's, dare I say, far better. Wow, that's rare. It's rare we get an exclusive on the pod, but that's going to be splashed all over the tabloids. I don't even care, I'll just say it. It's like if Joey was better than Friends. No, I resent that comparison. No, it's its own thing. It reinvented the genre. Oh, it's not an offshoot like Joey was. Well, it is a bit, but not funny. Well, I think you're going to like that drink. So basically the same. I had a cocktail the other night in New York, which was a white kimchi martini. So it was like the juice from white kimchi.

59:30Wow. With the booze and then chilli oil. And it was like drinking a pot of chilli oil. And every sip I had, I forgot what it was like. And I went, ooh. Completely changed my mind halfway through every sip. Have you ever had a cocktail with pickle juice?

59:47James Acaster: Yeah. Is it good? Real good. Actually, the last time I did that, I was at Disneyland in California. And we could only find one place that did booze. And one of the things they did was like a pickle juice and beer thing. I was like, yeah, that'd be great. And the first sip was amazing, but then I did realise it was basically half and half. And there was a lot of pickle juice in that. But I was so desperate for the booze at that point that I just drank the whole pint. So I had half a pint of pickle juice. with this beer. I love what a Brit abroad you turn into when you go away. You're just in Disney World going, yeah, most magical place in the earth.

1:00:25Where's the fucking booze at?

1:00:27James Acaster: There's a certain point where I can't take it anymore. It's the people in the outfits. Depress me. Hang on. What do you mean? Because... The characters coming out, and everyone's like, oh, and they go, so magical. And it's not magical. That's like a grown-up baking inside of that. Yeah. they're just like and I just know that behind it their face is so sad but you know you're not allowed to dress as a Disney character if you go to Disneyland right I didn't know this you can't really because yeah because if you're like rubbish Cinderella that you know is like smoking a fag and a child sees it they'll cry so that's why people wear the ears oh instead of yeah so you're like and also if you're a princess or a prince or one of them things that they have you are not allowed to ever break character yeah ever yeah I saw one of them who was like meant to be Alice and she was and it started raining and the actor started improvising going oh what is this tea from the sky and I was like Alice doesn't think that Alice is from the fucking world she knows what rain is you're the mad hatter who might say that but not Alice go and learn how to improvise before you stand around in the rain I'll go for a pint somewhere Where does booze?

1:01:48I drink a pint of pickle juice. The only time my wife's been outwardly jealous of something that happened was when we were at Disneyland in Japan and I met Daisy Duck and after we had a photo, she came over to me and went, she fancied you.

1:02:05James Acaster: I don't even know if it was a lady in that. You can't... You were wearing just a top and no bottoms. That's her type. My sister and I did get sort of giggly around the Mandalorian. Oh, really? Yeah. We were just sort of like, it was one of those things that we didn't quite say right away. And then he had the baby Yoda with him and stuff. And then we walked away and we were both a bit like, what? Is the Mandalorian my boyfriend? Like, what? It's the worst part. Well, the worst part is in adults get excited to see him. To meet Mickey Mouse. Yeah, like someone will walk out just as Goofy and you see a grown-up go, Goofy's here!

1:02:44James Acaster: Goofy's not here. I've got Goofy. It's a sad man in an outfit who hates his life. It's not goofy. Don't get excited like it's goofy. But, like, the people in the outfits think that everyone's that excited to see them. I hate when they interact with me. And they'll come over and be like, ugh. Like, don't, mate.

1:03:06James Acaster: I'm here for the roller coasters. I like that bit. I brought my niece and nephews to Disney. And that started happening. They come over during your meals. But my nephew was maybe seven at the time. but he started getting up as if he was taking a photo for them. So they'd come over, Cinderella would come over, and he'd be like, oh, God. I'm like, you know. I was like, you don't need to do this. You're good. You're fine. Let's get on to your dessert, shall we? Now, you wanted to have a hot apple tart with ice cream made by an old Irish woman. Stand by that. But you're going to have Siobhan McSweeney's dream dessert, which is a Black Forest Gatto from the Black Forest.

1:03:46James Acaster: bracket sneaked. Sneaked, please expand. Stolen. I think preferably from someone's windowsill or something. Although you wouldn't leave it to cool, I guess. A Black Forest Ghetto. It sounds like a villain from a Lady Bird book. She's scampering around London. I could imagine sneaking a Black Forest Ghetto off a windowsill. But it's a weird dessert, isn't it? Black Forest Ghetto? I bet. I just heard someone go, no. No. No. I'm really sorry about that. I'm really sorry about that. Why no? You like it? You love it? Is it your dream dessert? It is. Oh. Look at that. I'm sorry. Is that sugar on McSweeney?

1:04:28But there's like chocolate and cream and cherries and... Booze? Booze. Oh my. I don't like, I don't love a boozy dessert. Huh? I like the booze on the side, but the dessert not so boozy at all. I agree, I'm not. Maybe I've just not, maybe, steady on. maybe I've just not had a good Black Forest Gato but I think every time I've had one it's been too like you know what I mean? you know those cakes where you put the knife in and it goes like it's an inflatable cake it feels like quite 80s to me like it's what they would serve on Wall Street no no no it's like on Wall Street the guys are like and we'll get Black Forest to finish or something I don't know that bit from Wolf of Wall Street yeah what you don't remember is you had a huge bowl of Black Forest Gato in front of him.

1:05:15James Acaster: They're just face down in the Black Forest Gato. Yeah. Yeah, well, would you like it on Wall Street? It's from the Black Forest, but it doesn't say that Siobhan's eaten it in the Black Forest. So if it's been stolen from the Black Forest from someone... Is this something she's had in real life that she's... There we go. She would sneak it from the fridge when she worked in a kitchen in Germany. Oh, yeah. She did it. she would sneak it she would sneak it that's why it tasted good oh yeah that would taste it would taste so good yes when you sneak food from the fridge it does taste really good oh my god when I was a kid I used to sneak down to the kitchen and make crisp sandwiches at night oh yeah like really soft cheap white bread yeah Kerrygill butter potato crisps in a sandwich like so good and it did taste better because you know you weren't supposed to have making a crisp sandwich silently in secret is the moment you push it down right and that's the danger yeah you've got to push it down yeah Yeah, you go, oh, it's the best bit.

1:06:12James Acaster: I tried to write material about this, it never worked. So I don't know why I'm now launching into it at the Royal Albert Hall.

1:06:23James Acaster: What crisps were you using? I like the salt and vinegar potatoes. Most people go cheese and onion. But I like vinegary, salty. Yeah. Yeah, good, yeah. Potatoes ones are good. Yeah, so good. You been to the theme park? No, I love that there is one, though. Yeah. I'll tell you something though that will make me seem more stupid than when I didn't realise you were talking about ice before us is that as a child I the Tato mascot is a potato with a face yeah and I as a child thought it was a chicken so I once said to someone as an adult like well you know like the Tato chicken and they went what? and I was like well the chicken that's on the I think because I for some reason in my mind I was like there's a chicken on cornflakes so chicken and food you know so did you just assume because it's like I guess the colour's about right for like a roast chicken did you assume it was a roast chicken that had all its limbs torn off yeah no it had limbs oh yeah but not like wing not like traditional chicken limbs nothing no feathers or any avian anything does he have limbs the tato the tato man yeah yeah yeah oh yeah but then there's two types of tato there's tato from the Republic of Ireland that we call the freeze tato and then Northern Irish tato yeah and the Northern Irish tato the tato man just has a head of a potato and a body of a human.

1:07:38Oh, I hate that. Yeah.

1:07:39James Acaster: That's really scary. He looks really intense. Don't wade in on this. No. What? Let Nicola talk about this, but don't you offer a penny of peace. Yeah, sorry. But yeah, and it doesn't look as much like a chicken now, so please don't look at it now and really judge me. You have to look like a 90s packet. It was a very rudimentary drawing. But yeah, the potato chicken is not a thing. It's a potato man. It's a potato, yeah. Yeah, very much so. Who would you rather be friends with without the two potato mascots? The chicken. Who out of all the like the mascots of like food I think I mean the answer is Coco the monkey isn't it that's who everyone would like to be friends with the way Tony the tiger came so aggressively into my head like I didn't like even think the thought I just went Tony the tiger too much it'd be too much he's my best friend so I feel like you shouldn't have said that in front of me well I did want to when I was a kid I wish I didn't want to be called Ed I wanted to be called Rick because I thought Rick Ricicle was so cool the ricicle guy the astronaut the astronaut yeah I didn't know that was his name he's fucking incredible he's an astronaut and he's got his own cereal the name's Blade Rick Blade yeah Rick Ricicle was a badass Rick Ricicle yeah what about remember he was such a big deal Fido Dido yeah from 7up 7up yeah yeah yeah easy to draw that's why it was a very clever bit of branding Fido Dido was awesome Fido Dido I tell you who you would hate is the little Lurpak man who plays the trombone yeah you hate Lurpak I hate that guy.

1:09:06Like, I can die. What about Cornelius the chicken from Corn Flakes?

1:09:10James Acaster: Is he called Cornelius? Indeed he is. Is he? Wow. He doesn't look like he has a name. The rest of them look like they have names. Disrespectful. Cornelius doesn't look like an actual character. No, he's just a drawing. He's just a general chicken, isn't he? A stencil. Yeah, but if you were on children's bikes all over the world, do you remember that bike clip that every week you'd be like, what's the toy? It's a bike clip again. Yeah. There's always a bike clip. Yeah, I used to have that in the spoke. It would sound really cool. People would know, Eiky's coming. Here comes Eiky. Actually, the chicken in the spoke didn't do Eiky any favour, so everyone thought I was Eiky.

1:09:47Do you think you're going to rename this Off Menu with Eiky and Blade? Eiky and Blade is great. Off Menu with Eiky and Blade. Then we'll finally get our Manosphere audience. Yeah. I believe that. Well, that seems a perfect place to end the show. Nicola you've been absolutely fantastic thank you so much for coming back thank you for having me back massive round of applause for Nicola Coughlin what's more for Nicola Coughlin good luck everybody thank you so much guys thank you very much for coming happy Mother's Day we'll see all of you tonight I think bye bye see you all later

1:10:33Well, there we are. Another Royal Albert Hall with the wonderful Nicola Coughlin.

1:10:37James Acaster: There we are. Thank you, Nicola, so much for coming on. Obviously, you should watch everything that Nicola's done. Bridgerton, Derry Girls, and Nicola's in the next series, the anthology series, I Am. I Am Helen. I Am Helen is Nicola's one. Fantastic series. Looking forward to seeing Nicola in that. And she's in The Magic Faraway Tree. Yes! She plays Silky. Andrew Garfield's in that, my man. Yeah. Claire Foy? Yeah! Claire Foy Claire Foy Big Mood James Channel 4 yeah watch that yeah I mean so much stuff Camilla who writes that came to the Royal Albert Hall so it all links up oh thank you Camilla for coming along thank you very much for listening goodbye goodbye

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