Nikesh Patel

0:00James Acaster: It's James Acaster. I have an announcement to make. Cinema Goers Welcome is out on March 6th in cinemas nationwide. It's my Heckler's Welcome show, but filmed in three different locations, Truro, Dublin and Northampton. And it's all stuff that wasn't part of the actual Heckler's Welcome special. Some of it's the same material, but in a different location, going differently, being heckled differently and under different circumstances. So there's the special that is on HBO and Sky, and there is this Cinema Goers Welcome companion piece. Anyway, March 6th, Cinema Goers Welcome in cinemas. Enjoy the podcast, Off Menu.

0:55Nikesh Patel: welcome to the off-menu podcast cooking the apples of conversation adding the sugar of

1:00James Acaster: humor um why are you laughing because there's a fizzy apple drink on the table it's not apple

1:11Nikesh Patel: We're on episode like hundreds and hundreds. Hundreds and thousands, that's a good one. Anyway, it's Apple Crumble.

1:19James Acaster: That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Gaster. Together we own a dream restaurant.

1:23Nikesh Patel: You spoiled the surprise now.

1:24James Acaster: Every single week we invite a guest. We don't have an Apple Crumble on the table. And we ask them their favourite ever star and make us dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is...

1:33Nikesh Patel: Nikesh Patel. Nikesh Patel is a wonderful actor, James. He's been in many, many brilliant things.

1:39James Acaster: Starstruck. Yes. Wonderful series. And also, he was on the run against us in Hunted. Not as an actor, as himself.

1:47Nikesh Patel: As himself, he was on the run. Same series as us in Hunted. I'm sure that will come up.

1:52James Acaster: I should think so. Yeah. I should think so. That was, we never got to see Nikesh because he was, he had COVID at the start. Yeah. And so joined the game later once he was, he got the all clear. Yeah. And then we never saw him after that.

2:05Nikesh Patel: Yeah.

2:06James Acaster: Didn't see him after that. Barely saw him on the show to be honest. Barely saw him on the show. no spoilers but you know he didn't get very far i'm sure he's gonna love that being brought up yeah yeah yeah um let's hope that he lasts longer on this show we don't have to kick him out early if he chooses the secret ingredient of course yes because of course we have a little secret

2:25Nikesh Patel: ingredient and if they pick the secret ingredient then this bye-bye now

2:33James Acaster: this week the secret ingredient is hunter's chicken we're not letting him forget no

2:40Nikesh Patel: Hunter's chicken, they always used to have it in pubs, certainly when I was a student in the Hogshead. We used to go to the Hogshead in Durham regularly and eat dinner. And Hunter's chicken, of course, chicken breast, bacon, cheese, smothered in barbecue sauce.

2:56James Acaster: Smothered in barbecue sauce. So much of it, and it tastes disgusting.

3:01Nikesh Patel: Yeah. Don't like it.

3:02James Acaster: Don't like barbecue sauce, really. Especially not in that volume. Yeah. you were saying earlier it's too sweet the Hunter's Chicken it's way too sweet even for a sweet tooth such as myself yes I remember first reading it on a menu Hunter's Chicken I'm thinking that sounds delicious I can't wait I've hit the jackpot one bite I was like oh god this is going to be a slog don't get through this entire Hunter's Chicken

3:23Nikesh Patel: yeah you're having pudding at the same time basically

3:24James Acaster: yeah really did not like it so actually even though this just ties in with Hunter's we genuinely don't like this yeah as well

3:33Nikesh Patel: because Hunter's Hunter's and Chicken Nick Ash was a chicken on Hunted.

3:38James Acaster: Yes. We did it. We got him.

3:41Nikesh Patel: Plenty to talk to Nikesh about. I think we should just get on with it, James. Yes, please. This is the Off Menu Menu of Nikesh Patel.

3:56Nikesh Patel: Welcome, Nikesh, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you.

3:59James Acaster: Welcome, Nikesh Patel, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been spending you for some time.

4:03Ed Gamble: Thank you. Before we kick off, actually, because you've been playing this character for a while now I'd like to interrogate your process when it comes to playing the genie obviously a figure that's steeped in Islamic folklore and mythology so what like and I've been tracking what you've done with the genie over several episodes tell me

4:36James Acaster: me where you're at with with the genie now guess uh you know the longer you play a character the more that the lines between you and the character can kind of blur a little bit yeah and there's some some elements of the genie now that uh way more like me in real life and some elements of

4:51Ed Gamble: my real life that are more like the genie i guess yeah okay interesting so because yes bold choice to go i'm gonna be the genie and he's gonna he's gonna sound like he's from kettering yes yeah um And a lot like me. Yeah.

5:03Nikesh Patel: Do you feel like the adherence to the genie's Islamic background has come to the fore or fallen into the background?

5:12James Acaster: I think you can see it in certain episodes. It's more prominent.

5:15Ed Gamble: Yeah. Yeah. What about this episode, do you think?

5:19James Acaster: Well, we're preempting something. Well, you just did it. But like, you know, I guess I'm definitely feeling defensive of my background as a genie. Just, you know, just something to mull over. It's not come up before, actually. And I appreciate you bringing it up.

5:35Ed Gamble: Yeah.

5:38Ed Gamble: I mean, because this is a podcast, what does your genie look like? Me?

5:45Nikesh Patel: Well, also, we would put this onto you as the guest because this is obviously the dream restaurant, so the restaurant can look like it however you like it. But then also, it's the genie appears to you as you would want the genie to appear to you. So what features would you say James has as a genie?

6:02Ed Gamble: I think having listened, thank you, James, to kind of unpacking your process for me, I think the genie looks very much like James with blue skin.

6:15Nikesh Patel: Yeah.

6:16Ed Gamble: Yeah. It's clearly a Disney. It's a Disney vibe.

6:20Nikesh Patel: Yes.

6:20Ed Gamble: Yeah. Pretty Disney, I think. Yeah. If you want to give yourself any, I would actually shy away from giving yourself any facial hair or you know because then we're tiptoeing into like cultural appropriation I think it's just

6:34James Acaster: it's a blue you sure and I can't really grow a moustache anyway I tried to grow a moustache on the run when Ed and I did Hunted have you heard of that show? I have heard of that show you know full well

6:43Ed Gamble: I've heard of that show

6:44James Acaster: I imagine you've watched more episodes than you've been in yeah

6:48Ed Gamble: okay here we go Jeannie swinging back

6:50Nikesh Patel: same series as us

6:52Ed Gamble: allegedly yeah we never met on Hunted did we? no you had the rona I had the Rona which when they did finally figure out how to get my ass into the game until we eventually kind of reunited and then we got caught so you were isolating for most of it yeah

7:10James Acaster: yeah yeah yeah and then you got caught immediately

7:12Nikesh Patel: so my favourite thing in the whole series is obviously you're like raring to go you're like doing all these doing all these pieces to camera being like yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna outfox the Hunters oh yeah I'm gonna be the best person on the run ever and then it cuts to you you leave your flat you go straight to the tube and use your bank card to get in here

7:29Ed Gamble: to my in my defence and it's a meagre defence because that was a pretty dumb thing to do but like I feel like I got I got slightly better as I progressed but also I was the only person who I think has had to start the game of Hunted basically like waiting for a waiting for a test to say that they're negative

7:53Nikesh Patel: and the only person who's had to start a game of Hunted from your own from my own flat from your own flat with all these rules where they know you live yeah exactly so like hmm I wonder

8:01Ed Gamble: yeah she might get some backup it's unusual that she's playing the game on her own who could the backup be and where might they be coming from so yeah not my not my finest hour but hey made for vaguely entertaining television it was entertaining how did you get caught again we got caught waiting at a hotel in Birmingham because this is one of the things I think you guys like ran into this as well they they give you all of these like challenges and rules and restrictions which are really fun to play but they don't explain them to the audience so the audience just think that you're constantly i mean in my case i did make some you know i tapped in on my local station that was the smartest thing to do but um uh at times when you are trying to be a bit more savvy and go like right um we're on the run but which was true in our case um my wife had to be uh on live tv at 10 p.m.

8:57Ed Gamble: in London, 9 p.m. in London that night. And we planned this whole thing about how we could make it back to London. Obviously, that goes down the toilet because you don't know where you're going to be. And then eventually we got caught because we were like, we're running out of options. We're just going to need the producers on Nick's job to call us a cab. And I said, maybe we shouldn't use our burner phones. maybe we should ask the hotel to make that call and I'm going to go on record and say that I was overruled and we used our burner phones which they'd I've forgotten all the weird acronyms that they had but they were listening guys but we were out we nearly made it but we were out by five minutes and then the hunters caught up to us before that our producer, director person said just have a chat about what happens if it gets tasty, what you're going to do and Nick was like well one of us has got to try and win it so we split so when we got caught I legged it down a main road in Birmingham going this sweaty brown man with a backpack on running down the high street in Birmingham this doesn't look suspicious at all and then basically jumped into the back of a a white van with like two bald white guys working and I was like I mean it feels like I'm telling this this story takes place Do you know these men?

10:29Ed Gamble: No Just jumped in their van Yeah demographically you wouldn't fancy my chances but I jumped onto this van and just went like explained look guys have you seen Hunted my girlfriend she then was has just been caught luckily they knew the show and they were like yeah wait here we've got to drop something off at work but we'll like you know well you can stow away in here and then we'll tell you and then i was looking around this van while i was sort of like trying not to hyperventilate and it was like oh these are this is all paraphernalia that you'd see on a tv set the van that i happened to have found they worked in crew and they were working on a netflix tv show that they just happened to be filming in birmingham um you got a partner yeah no part and that's what you're here to promote yeah exactly uh did mean that they were like alright well come to come to like the prop store basically and they gave me like some pretty like I got a new backpack with some stuff in it but I mean you should have won no I got caught eight hours later so you know I think but loads of other people have been caught by then right yeah no I think we were the first oh yeah yeah you were which when I'm not gonna lie when Nick found out that we hadn't outlasted you two specifically she was living yeah you were like you know throwing your shoes out the window and basically saying like come get me

11:50Nikesh Patel: we went to stay at the house of some other people who were on the run that had CCTV outside their house yeah and they didn't catch us then

11:57James Acaster: I'm checking my shoes out the window it was a smart move

11:59Nikesh Patel: yeah

11:59James Acaster: that was in Birmingham because they might have bugged the shoes

12:02Nikesh Patel: yeah fine yeah

12:04Ed Gamble: that was hard to live down

12:06Nikesh Patel: everyone got caught on that series though yeah

12:08Ed Gamble: clean sweet

12:09Nikesh Patel: no one made it out we were all too thick Bobby Seagull Bobby Seagull I thought might give them

12:13Ed Gamble: you know he's a sort of yeah I thought you might give them the slip but I feel like hey I'm going to say it I feel like this was the season that we were like no one's getting on that chopper

12:22James Acaster: no

12:25Ed Gamble: we always start with still or spark than water do you have a preference? I think because there's quite a lot of spice in my overall menu I'm going to go still but to posh it up a bit I'm going to go with cucumber but like sliced long do you know what I mean so you get this yeah so like a nice refreshing how long length of the length of the cuke yeah you're sort of

12:51Nikesh Patel: limited by the length of the cuke

12:53Ed Gamble: but how long is this cuke because like you know alright genie get me like get me a cuke that's long enough that if you do one slice it will fit into one of those like one litre bottles yeah but still within with enough space that you get a decent serving of water yeah

13:09Nikesh Patel: okay that's quite a long cuke we're talking long cuke

13:12Ed Gamble: yeah well he asked and I'm into it. So, yeah.

13:14Nikesh Patel: Are you thinking it's easy to slice so it's like a completely straight cuke? Because I've found it's difficult to find a long cuke that doesn't have a bend.

13:22Ed Gamble: But surely if you're like, if you're using like a peeler to get the slice, then the bend doesn't matter because you just work around the bend.

13:30Nikesh Patel: Yeah, well, you've got to have a pretty delicate touch to work around the bend and get a thickness that's consistent. You've got to have the hands of a surgeon. Yeah, I think that's simply, yeah. Or a genie.

13:39Ed Gamble: Are you preparing this cuke? Yeah. Do you back yourself to navigate a bendy? Well, I do have magical powers,

13:46James Acaster: so I can navigate the bend of the cube.

13:48Ed Gamble: I'm sort of relying on them, you know, without getting ahead of myself. I'm sort of relying on your magical powers for this meal. So yeah, long bendy cube. Got a steady hand. Yeah. Nice long slice. Yeah. Bosh that in there.

14:00Nikesh Patel: How good are you as a genie doing that? Could you do a loop-de-loop in the cube-de-cuke? I could do a cube-de-cuke in the loop-de-loop.

14:06Ed Gamble: Very easy.

14:07Nikesh Patel: What's happening?

14:09Ed Gamble: Just trying to have a laugh. Just trying to have a laugh. yeah long bendy cube to cube yeah

14:14James Acaster: water please nice I could do that it's hard though yeah because when you do the loop you do have to kind of change the angle of your wrist and then you're coming up through the cube and end up kind of wearing it like a bracelet yeah but that's my problem at that point yeah yeah I've already peeled it you've got your slice that you need yeah and then I've just got to figure out how to escape disentangle now I'm trapped

14:34Nikesh Patel: do you want it in the bottle then rather than in the glass

14:37James Acaster: in the bottle

14:37Ed Gamble: in the bottle yeah so that's another tricky thing to do yeah

14:40Nikesh Patel: is getting it in there on you know in one piece

14:44Ed Gamble: yeah yeah yeah

14:45Nikesh Patel: you're gonna have to do it like shipping a bottle yeah I'm into it yeah pull a string and then it becomes a cuke again also like I don't need to know the band comes back into it

14:52Ed Gamble: I don't need to know like the work that's gone into it do you know what I mean yeah yeah I just need it

14:59James Acaster: yeah so you won't you won't ask any questions if that bottle arrives on the table no I suppose what I'm saying

15:05Ed Gamble: Jeannie is that like I don't I don't need you to tell me how hard it was yeah just to be like Like, here you go. And then if I'm interested, I'll be like, oh, that's a long, bendy slice of cuke. How did you get it in that narrow-necked bowl?

15:18James Acaster: Yeah, sometimes, I think when they come and they tell you what they've done with the dish beforehand, it can make it taste worse. Because they go like, we did all of this. You go, wow, that sounds incredible. And then you taste it and go, it doesn't really...

15:33Nikesh Patel: You two are mad. Not always. I love hearing about it. The idea that someone comes and goes, let me take you through how I made this. And you're going, no, piss off. I don't need to have the sausages made. I came here to eat this dinner.

15:46James Acaster: I don't know why it was suddenly two old men with a cold. That's the vibe I'm getting. and the Muppets. We're just saying, look, I do like being told about it, but sometimes they tell you about it and it sounds better than it actually is. Joe, I think if they hadn't told me about this particular one, I would have enjoyed it more. If they just said,

16:03Nikesh Patel: oh, it's just microwave. Yeah, we just microwave. Yeah.

16:06James Acaster: Not the cucumber. That'd be weird. Yeah. Yeah. Don't want a microwave. water yeah yeah and horribly you asked for trouble yeah if i gave you a cuke and a microwave and uh what's the say it's a challenge yeah how long do you think you can microwave it for yeah if you've got to choose you've got to choose how long it's in there a time before you put it in

16:27Ed Gamble: yeah you got to choose how long you want to last in the microwave is that a challenge before all

16:33James Acaster: hell breaks loose. Flipping heck.

16:35Ed Gamble: I, are we taking from like the first, you know, when you get that first, it's like before then or are we talking like full blown, like dripping out

16:46James Acaster: of the glass kind of. Yeah, full slimer. My man. I don't know, man. Any opportunity. It's my brother from another month. Yeah, I got a rep. You going back? You doing more? I hope so. Yeah. Me too, but as far as I know, no. No. and we don't know

17:05Ed Gamble: no no no that's not a no we don't know yeah no I haven't heard anything

17:08Nikesh Patel: yeah it'd be awful if it's the one that ended the entire franchise it would be you could have like like what they're saying like Snow White

17:15Ed Gamble: has made Disney go actually we're not going to do any more live action yeah you could be you could be doing that for

17:21Nikesh Patel: I could be the you're normally in the one before the am I well Cinderella not Disney but you know it's that sort of thing you're in that and then Snow White and that ended it I forgot you're in Cinderella

17:32James Acaster: so there'll be another one didn't kill that no I didn't kill that no there's a lot of songs in Cinderella that the artists who wrote those songs have gone on to great things

17:41Ed Gamble: they made quite a few live action Disney's after because that was that was one that worked

17:47James Acaster: yeah I don't know if it was Disney like that one it was Sony was it Sony I'm a Sony boy yeah yeah yeah sorry yeah Ghostbusters Sony

17:53Nikesh Patel: you're committed to the brand

17:55James Acaster: I'm committed to Sony if the Sony bigwigs are listening spin off please yeah Lars Pinfield or John the Mouse spinoff. Or both. I can play both.

18:04Ed Gamble: Multiverse where they both just get to hang out.

18:07James Acaster: Yeah. I can be the mouse and be...

18:08Ed Gamble: Lars Pinfield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my science.

18:11James Acaster: He's a parabiologist. Great.

18:15Ed Gamble: Microwave cucumber. I'm going to say, because there's a lot of water in those boys, I'm going to say 50 seconds and it's going to get... By then it's going to be hectic.

18:29James Acaster: Is it a coincidence You've chosen In the same amount of time You've lasted 100 There we go

18:34Ed Gamble: Very good Took so long to get there Very good Brilliant mate Thank you Give me that Nice one James

18:41James Acaster: Poplums or bread Poplums or bread Poplums or bread Poplums or bread

18:46Ed Gamble: Bread I think Yeah I'll go bread But I'm going to go For a specific Because there's lots of like There's lots of like Nice Breads From like The subcontinent that I could go for. But actually the bread I want to go for, have you guys had Roti Chennai from Malaysia? Yes. So I got the chance to live out in Penang. Amazing foodie spot because I was filming there for two years when we filmed a show called Indian Summers. And the food there was great because you got Indian influences, Chinese influences, ethnic Malay influences, something called Nyon Nyo cuisine, which is great. And roti chennai is basically like a version of a roti or a paratha, but it's more like crepe-like.

19:36Ed Gamble: It's like really buttery, great for, you know, I'm a big fan of using bread to just like mop up whatever's going around. So my bread is going to be roti chennai. That does sound great.

19:47Nikesh Patel: And it comes with like a...

19:49Ed Gamble: Normally you have it as like with a dish, so, you know, like a rendang or... but yeah if you can't get Penang Roti Chennai then yeah there's some good spots you can get it in London there's actually one really near us in northwest London called Joli J-O-L-I and they're often at they do market stops as well so they'll do like borough market and stuff their Roti Chennai is really good their vegan rendang is banging but yeah good for just mopping up whatever's going

20:21Nikesh Patel: that's a great shout there's a cafe in Soho I can't remember what it's called

20:26Ed Gamble: is it CP or something like that is it down one of those Dan Brown the Alleyway yeah yeah I know exactly what you mean

20:33Nikesh Patel: I had Rossi Chennai there and that was fantastic yeah recommended to me by Rose Matafeo here we go

20:39Ed Gamble: yeah Rose loves that place your co-star

20:41Nikesh Patel: in Starstruck old pal

20:42Ed Gamble: yeah there you go in fact I've been there once with her because we we went to see Rose do like a she did a Q &A of at the Prince Charles and then we went for yeah so she knows that it's good stuff there huge shout out to yes

20:54Nikesh Patel: I think it's CP Cafe I think it's CP Cafe. Yeah, yeah.

20:57James Acaster: CNR Cafe. CNR Cafe. It's CNR Cafe. Thank you. Any Penang adventures that you can tell us about?

21:04Ed Gamble: Just like what a mad... One of the big challenges of filming Indian summers was the show is set in a hill station in India, which the reason why it was so popular for the British to govern from there was because it was nice and cool in the summer. hence the name you go you go to the hill station in the summer you get away from the heat down below but the for various reasons when they're scouting the location for what like where would have the infrastructure to support a six-month shoot when they needed enough period detail blah blah blah they they settled on Penang um which had a lot of its own colonial past a lot like suitable buildings but the climate's quite different so it's humid the start and the end of the shoot because we're there for like April till October you got a lot of rainy season but yeah some of them the most of the like mad mishaps that I can remember are like you know you'd be sweltering and going like I really need to really need a green room where I can just sit and like fan myself and then there'll be a um kindly like Malay member of crew saying like oh you can't go in there and you'll be like why can't I go in there and it's like there's a there's a scorpion in there and you're like okay I'll stay here just the kind of stuff that sort of makes you makes you realise that actually when we when we whinge about you know stuff not working over here it's like well it's not a pit viper you know yeah sure no pit vipers on the starstruck set

22:37Nikesh Patel: no that's a good catchphrase for life I think no pit vipers allowed if anything happens in your life that's bad you go well it's not a pit viper not a pit viper yes it is

22:46Ed Gamble: it's also it feels like don't use it then yeah exactly it feels like an extension of like got no dickhead rule no pit vipers allowed yeah no pit vipers yeah yeah we'll start your dream menu proper now yes with dream starter dream starter I don't know why even though I understand what a meal is and how menus work

23:12Nikesh Patel: it's good to know at the top he understands what a meal is he doesn't sound confident

23:15Ed Gamble: about it but for some more confident than I was I promise but for some reason every time I thought of starter I just thought of like breakfast food do you know what I mean and something really like comforting that chilaquiles from Mexico there's something about just like I went on a trip with my girlfriend about like three she was my girlfriend then I'm just going to keep saying this she's my wife now guys I think you just gotta

23:44Nikesh Patel: you gotta switch to wife

23:45Ed Gamble: with my wife yeah you've been married a while this isn't a new thing yeah that's true that's true

23:52Nikesh Patel: but it is like because you're thinking she was your girlfriend then but now she's your wife exactly what's the worst that's going to happen

23:57James Acaster: in the story are we going to go aha you've been married longer than you say by the end of the show be like she's not my wife anymore

24:03Nikesh Patel: yeah

24:03Ed Gamble: that would be sad

24:05Nikesh Patel: what a dessert well yeah

24:07Ed Gamble: or divorce which is different yeah chilaquiles yeah something about the like we were on this trip and we were because we were trying to see as much of Mexico as possible so we like landed in Mexico City and where you get the kind of like cool hipstery version of it and there's something about the combination of all the flavors of like apparently using slightly stale tortillas to get like crunchier chips so you get the texture of that you get the the sour cream the refried beans and also just like lots of cheese yeah Yeah, there's something. Chilaquiles is my starter. So what is a chilaquiles? I don't think I've got it in my head proper.

24:47Ed Gamble: So like they bake, I believe they bake tortillas and then break them up into chips. Over that you serve refried beans, sour cream, lots of herbs, load of cheese. If you're so inclined, you can have fried eggs on top and you just chow down on that. I do feel like...

25:06Nikesh Patel: I am inclined. I'm so inclined. Yeah, I'm so inclined.

25:08Ed Gamble: For anyone who's listening from Mexico, I do feel like I've sort of just asked for the equivalent of like, oh, my starter is going to be beans on toast. But it tastes delicious.

25:19Nikesh Patel: Yeah, but on the Mexican off-menu, when a guest asks for beans on toast, everyone's like, whoa, nice. Good choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

25:26James Acaster: Have we franchised this out? Is there a Mexican one? There is. I didn't know about you. Oh, I didn't know this. Yeah. Didn't know there was a Mexican off-menu. Yeah, it's pretty good. Wow.

25:33Ed Gamble: Intrigued to see what their genie's like. Yeah. I would be intrigued to see it, actually. they based it on me did they do slightly more work to prepare for the well I don't want work he's done the work he's done the work yeah yeah yeah he's been living this his character is just inside out

25:48James Acaster: no one's ever caught me up do we have many listeners in Mexico Benito look it up he has he has stats broken down this guy loves stats he loves stats you're going to

25:59Nikesh Patel: finally see him excited yeah

26:01Ed Gamble: hit us with it he's going to absolutely love it percentage of of many listeners from Mexico from in Mexico So who are in Mexico?

26:08Nikesh Patel: Yeah. It's less than 1%, I think. I'm going to say 2%. I'm going to say 0.5%.

26:13Ed Gamble: I'll say 0.9%.

26:16Nikesh Patel: 0.11. 0.11. How many people are holding it down in Mexico? A thousandth of our listenership is in Mexico. And a lot of those are going to be expats, aren't they? It's a growth area, guys. There'll just be people on spring break or something. I can't believe this. I'm gutted to find that out. That's quite disappointing. Wish we hadn't booked an arena in Mexico now. Yeah. We have more listeners in Jersey. Glad to hear it. That tracks great. Yeah, yeah.

26:42James Acaster: Big up Jersey if you're listening. Well, those chilaquiles sound very nice.

26:48Nikesh Patel: Are you inclined? You're not inclined with the egg.

26:50Ed Gamble: With the egg? I mean, I don't eat egg, but then I've been...

26:55Nikesh Patel: You shouldn't have egg on it, though. You don't eat egg?

26:56Ed Gamble: Yeah, I don't eat egg, but no. I will have it if it's like in cake. How come you... Okay. It's not in cake for the chilaquile. Yeah, it's in Chilaquilay. And I'd say,

27:08Nikesh Patel: who's having a bit of cake and going, oh, lovely egg? A lovely egg. You really take the egg. That would put me off cake.

27:14Ed Gamble: Yeah.

27:14Nikesh Patel: If I think about that there's egg in it, that puts me off it. That puts you off. Yeah, because I'm like, it's supposed to be a sweet treat. What the hell's an egg doing in there? Yeah.

27:21Ed Gamble: He loves hatching eggs. I love hatching eggs. What does that mean? You love hatching eggs. Uh-oh.

27:26James Acaster: Hatching and catching.

27:28Ed Gamble: Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. This is, James was talking about Pokemon Go. Right. Are you familiar, Ed?

27:33Nikesh Patel: Oh God, I've just remembered. Yeah.

27:35James Acaster: Nick, is he in the crew?

27:36Ed Gamble: I'm in the crew. Because I was like, oh great, Nick, is he coming on?

27:38Nikesh Patel: We can talk about Hunted and stuff. It's going to be really fun. We can talk about all his great work. And I've just remembered you're in the stupid fucking Pokemon. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chess of respect.

27:46Ed Gamble: Bones was not the guest. No, it was the record show. It was Ed having a shit fit about Pokemon Go. No, I did. Went to GoFest together. We did go to GoFest together. Rockwell Park. Full disclosure, I did message James last night on Signal because not because we're drug dealers, but because we're Pokemon Go crew. Yeah, Pokemon Go crew.

28:07James Acaster: You don't want it traceable. Spencer's quite paranoid about WhatsApp, so it'll work to be on Signal. Is that the reason? Yeah, yeah.

28:14Ed Gamble: Great.

28:14James Acaster: That's before you joined. Of course, that makes sense.

28:17Ed Gamble: I basically went, I haven't played the game in about a year, but should I just get on it so that we can talk about it? Because it all won't end up ahead. And you said, that's exactly the reason why she did it. But it's indecipherable now. like I was sort of wandering around London Bridge going the game's gone why is it

28:35Nikesh Patel: in the Cypher Report

28:37Ed Gamble: there's all this like I mean you don't care but like there's they've added loads of like there's a Dynamax option where you can battle like giant Pokemon ridiculous and it's a whole bolt onto the game yeah winds me up yeah

28:51James Acaster: so but then you do get a little you get a little bear cupboard that's like knows Taekwondo so I wanted to

28:57Nikesh Patel: so you guys are just walking around London going London's changed London

29:00James Acaster: Yeah, pretty much. All these Dynamax Pokemon are everywhere now.

29:03Nikesh Patel: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

29:03Ed Gamble: And if I want to get the little bear that's up, I've never got to do it. about Dynamax Pokemon tomorrow. Yeah.

29:10Nikesh Patel: Tweeting Sadiq Khan.

29:11Ed Gamble: We're an island of strangers because of these Dynamax Pokemon. I walked past someone

29:16James Acaster: on the tube the other day, a mum saying to her kid, well, welcome to Sadiq Khan's London. This is what it's like. And I was like, he's been in charge for ages.

29:24Nikesh Patel: What are you all about? Also, you don't know that woman wasn't being positive. She wasn't. Were they playing Pokemon? what she followed it up with was not positive that's funny to say that in a positive way someone knows isn't it yeah welcome

29:34James Acaster: a positive utopia yeah love that you know she was claiming that nothing worked even though currently everything was working yes and we were walking around and it was all fine yeah but that's not that's you know

29:48Ed Gamble: you can't moan about that so no

29:50James Acaster: yeah you gotta put poison into your kids blame Sadiq Khan for this functioning lift yeah but yeah I mean it is getting crazy now Pokemon because you're still pretty diehard right well I'm on the app pretty regularly but you know I can't keep up with it all

30:07Nikesh Patel: do you remember the plan you had which you told me which I think now looking back on it was a way of playing Pokemon without seeming like a loser was that you were like he said I'm going to collect them all and then I'm going to hand over the whole app to my nephews and be like I've done this for you so he said it was like a present for his nephews that was four years ago do you have a nephew?

30:27James Acaster: I don't know anymore I've kind of lost touch with them You never gave them the Pokemon I didn't have any interest after that Yeah I mean It turns out you can never catch them all because they're constantly releasing new ones The Dynamax ones for example It's a total waste of time

30:44Ed Gamble: And also I was lulled into thinking that like the fun thing Ed was that we all got to walk around in a park playing Pokemon Go together That doesn't happen every year so they were like where is it next year and it's like it's in Barcelona yeah exactly

31:00Nikesh Patel: you guys could go to Barcelona

31:02Ed Gamble: yeah but it's a bit of a hard sell it's like especially with a kid

31:07Nikesh Patel: Pokemon Vamma can I Pokemon

31:09Ed Gamble: yeah very good can I go to Barcelona for the weekend is it for work no what's it for it's to play Pokemon Go yeah with my crew yeah with my crew with my Pokemon crew

31:18James Acaster: yeah gotta go my crew gotta go Helen Bower and Sakee oh yeah gotta go we've all gotta get on a plane together I just realise you're

31:25Nikesh Patel: booking all of the members of the Pokemon crew for this podcast. Yeah, yeah.

31:29James Acaster: Had three people on it so far. Let's go. From the crew. Yeah. Now, it's harder to book the other ones because they're not like in front of camera people. But like, if we do start booking producers and people who book live gigs,

31:45Ed Gamble: you know, then we'll get the whole crew on. Yeah, because of the nature of their work, they'd have to be notorious in some way. Yeah.

31:53Nikesh Patel: My wife's not on the group anymore, right?

31:55Ed Gamble: she's on the group she's just silent yeah I've never been more proud of her

31:58James Acaster: doesn't say anything on there

31:59Ed Gamble: but I mean

31:59James Acaster: so am I nowadays yeah yeah I mean we all are really apart from Bauer who every now and again is going anyone want to do a raid of me and everyone ignores it pretty bad which I feel like is water off a duck's back like I think she's yeah yeah well she'll follow up with a selfie of herself crying pretending to cry

32:16Ed Gamble: yeah yeah

32:17James Acaster: there is that sorry Bauer

32:26Ed Gamble: Your dream main course. My dream main course is typically found in the starter section of the menu. But this is what I always used to do when I was a kid and we'd go out for food with my family. Is you'd go big on starters and get them to the table. Because the mains were bigger and heavier. My main course is going to be like a generous portion of chilli paneer. And good chili paneer has like the right combination of, because I think typically people think of paneer very much as like an Indian dish, which it is, but good chili paneer has a lot of like, a bit like what we're talking about with Penang, that fusion of Indian and Chinese flavors.

33:13Ed Gamble: So you get a mix of like the spices that you'll find in chart. So like, I'm sure like mango powder and all that kind of stuff with Chinese spices as well. and the texture is really important because the cheese itself is if it's if it's fresh it's nice and soft but then you want to fry it so you get that crisp on the outside um i'm getting hungry now and then and then yeah with just to say with the like nice jasmine rice big generous portion now like you can you could go i've had really good chili paneer in uh in mumbai obviously um because they, you know, you're close to the source. But there's some good spots in, I'd say, like, northwest London where I grew up.

33:56Ed Gamble: But like a good, like, I wouldn't even say it's the best necessarily, but a really solid chilli paneer is on Ealing Road in Wembley, which is, you guys are, you familiar with Ealing Road? I don't think so. So like, it's sort of like a sort of brick lane-esque, one road loads of shops big hub particularly for the Gujarati community in London lots of people go there to pick up like wedding wear so it's where my wife and I went to source a lot of our clothes for the wedding but yeah really good food food spots there as well did you double up when you were doing the wedding shop were you like oh I'll wear you sorry no

34:40James Acaster: chilli paneer

34:41Ed Gamble: no I thought you were going to sorry no I'm misunderstood Because when I came here, you asked about my jacket and I said, I stole this off my wife. I thought you were going to say, did we double up on clothes? Yeah. No. I was asking if you...

34:53Nikesh Patel: That'd be nice to twin on your wedding day. Yeah. It's very nice.

34:55Ed Gamble: Yeah. It's a great jacket.

34:57James Acaster: Thank you. One of them looks like Ed. One of them looks like Ed. There's people on the jacket just for the list. There's people on... Yeah, I'm wearing a sort of like multicolored jacket.

35:09Ed Gamble: This guy... That looks like me a bit. Yeah. Not exactly, Ed. Not exactly. not exactly me I was going to say he looks a bit like David Walliams but I prefer I prefer that he looks like you yeah it's

35:22Nikesh Patel: sometimes with drawings of white guys you can sort of squint and you can imagine any white guy on it

35:26James Acaster: yeah

35:27Nikesh Patel: and I'm one of those guys

35:28James Acaster: yeah you're one of those guys I'm default yeah I'd add a bit of stand up about looking like the character on a computer game when you've got to make your own character like choose your fire yeah make your own character

35:39Nikesh Patel: before you've added

35:40Ed Gamble: anything to it

35:41James Acaster: yeah like a blank avatar kind of vibes he can be self-deprecating you know puts the audience at ease yeah

35:50Nikesh Patel: I think what James was asking was did you have a chili paneer when you were out picking wedding outfits

35:54James Acaster: oh yeah like it was the thing before you left the house or did you

35:57Ed Gamble: like mention it during oh sometimes it'll be like we'd both be like oh we should really do some like outfit shopping today and it was clear that we probably weren't going to find anything but we would end up in usually Ciccone's yeah just chowming down on chili paneer so it's a good good way to

36:14Nikesh Patel: are you trying outfits on before you eat

36:18Ed Gamble: yeah crucial yeah I think it is crucial isn't it but also like at least for the guys anyway this is why like Indian formal wear is very forgiving because as long as you get it fitting on your shoulders down here I mean I don't know if you've ever tried on like the typical cotton Indian trousers but there's some quite funny videos of people like usually you know white people who are going to their first Indian wedding shout out shout out white people who who will hold up the trousers and they're like twice the width that's basically because they're very like they've got a drawstring in them so you just slip into that into this garment pull the drawstring until it fits around your waist and then tie it up

37:01Nikesh Patel: and then throughout the day just keep loosening it oh yeah

37:04Ed Gamble: yeah yeah I love that and then the top part is just yeah as long as it it fits you up top then there's no there's no constricting your belly I mean

37:12James Acaster: sign me up for that he's got a suit fitting soon and he's he's crapping his pants yeah because he doesn't want to eat what was Benito suggested to you that you eat and you threw that back in his face bread and cheese

37:25Nikesh Patel: no but that's not that's after that's after

37:27Ed Gamble: oh is it like a posh dude that you're it's my sister's wedding

37:31Nikesh Patel: yeah okay coming up in August gonna have a suit made for it I thought it was a nice excuse to have it and it's gonna be hot right yeah so I'm gonna get a linen suit made

37:40Ed Gamble: here's the thing your sister's wedding is in a hot country

37:43Nikesh Patel: no no no but I know what's going to happen it's in England but I know it's going to end up being boiling yeah could you go in an Indian outfit yeah I'm not sure I could square it away given it's my sister who is you know true to form for the Gamble family white yeah marrying a man who is white yeah I don't think there's going to be any members of the family there who are Indian so I don't feel like I could fine if I rock basically I'm going to have to do

38:10James Acaster: going to clash with anyone

38:12Nikesh Patel: I'm going to have to do a lot of explaining if I turn up in an Indian wedding outfit yeah probably not yeah exactly

38:17Ed Gamble: I'll come with you

38:18Nikesh Patel: yeah you come with me please

38:19Ed Gamble: yeah the optics of that would be weird though wouldn't it it's just like I'm not invited don't know anyone don't like not talking to anyone but just sort of by your side yeah yeah okay fair enough but you know it's an option yeah it does it does mean that when you it's very forgiving when you're stuffing your face yeah

38:36James Acaster: more comfortable to be in

38:38Ed Gamble: on the day can you get a drawstring I would like other linen trousers I'll ask the tailor I'll ask him to put it he can put a drawer what sort of what sort of suit are you allowed to tell me about your suit

38:48Nikesh Patel: I don't really know yet I'm going to go and chat to them about fabrics on Wednesday I love that stuff

38:53James Acaster: he's got a tie that he has to wear yes specific tie so he has to build

38:57Ed Gamble: the suit around the tie yes great so it's like picking the colour from the tie is that where we're going with it yeah but then

39:03Nikesh Patel: the tie's like blue but I've really liked they've got a green linen in at the moment that looks really nice blue tie with a naked lady yeah ooh la la yeah not your sister no no no no that'd be weird it'd be weird if my sister was like you and your brother you and your brother that'd be funny as hell though I kind of respect it she was like you've got to wear a tie with a picture of me with a nude on it yeah

39:26James Acaster: then we'd turn up

39:26Nikesh Patel: you actually did it yeah you actually did it psych Nick has told me

39:31Ed Gamble: and I'll just be there going I did

39:41James Acaster: Your dream side dish. I'm expecting this to be a main.

39:45Ed Gamble: Yeah, yeah, because I... Or it is a... It's a side. It's a side. Okra Fries. Yes! Specifically from... There's a place called Bombay Spice in Kingsbury that does okra fries that are like crack because they're so... It's like you've got to get the fry right so it's light but crispy the seasoning is on point and they're so Moorish that it's completely impractical but I'll go over to my parents for food and my mum will be like where's dad? and he's like I've sent him to Kingsbury in traffic because this restaurant won't do like Deliveroo or any kind of delivery and he's been sent to get the because also you want them while they're hot to pick food up so shout out dad for every time he's got to do that run

40:39James Acaster: of your parents is your dad the softer touch you know you'll get him to go to Kingsbury but your mum wouldn't do it

40:46Ed Gamble: I wouldn't say he's the softer touch I'd say you know he's got he's got an incentive in that situation which is he's getting ockra fries

40:57Nikesh Patel: now what's the chances that your dad is eating some of the ockra fries on the way home because extremely high because if that's me I'm going I'm saying it out loud you've got to pay the piper yeah as I'm driving home

41:10Ed Gamble: oh interesting I'm even getting an extra portion

41:12Nikesh Patel: of okra fries how do you know that's exactly the phrase my dad eats it

41:15Ed Gamble: I'm getting two portions I'm eating one on the way yeah

41:17Nikesh Patel: what are you saying pay the piper pay the piper yeah

41:21Ed Gamble: yeah no doubt I think yeah they're probably a little bit lighter than they should be when they come back yeah yeah you know smart move because don't get something for nothing that's so good yeah okra fries yeah if they were easier to source I would acquire a portion for you but if you're ever in that neck of the woods Bombay Spice we've got to visit your parents send your dad out for something yeah yeah yeah

41:44Nikesh Patel: I'll go in the car with him yeah keep an eye on him keep an eye on him and I'll hold the okra fries on the way back yeah yeah I ain't paying the piper mate I ain't paying you Mr Patel

41:53Ed Gamble: piper piper patel you'd have to address my piper patel

41:56James Acaster: are there other things when you visit your parents that like foods that you look forward to having nearby yeah

42:03Ed Gamble: I mean my mum's an incredible cook So there's always something like her samosa charts really good. Any like any curries that she makes. Because I grew up, I ate meat. I didn't eat beef, but I ate meat when I was growing up. And then I went vegan initially about eight years ago. And then I'd say I'm more veggie now. And then this new thing, which is now that I've got a one-year-old, I've decided it's really important not to waste any food. so if she doesn't have all of her fish fingers then I might snaffle one but you know that's fine

42:41Nikesh Patel: James Guest your baby

42:43Ed Gamble: yeah do you remember that? yeah it was quite aggressive Nick made a point of saying can you remind James that when we saw him at Glastonbury so the situation it's my favourite story the situation is this we were at Glastonbury did we you and Nish had just done like a we just did a DJ set we were pretty giddy yeah I remember that and we're like right let's get some drinks and Nick said not for me James just wandered straight over got in her face and went pregnant I was right you were right

43:19James Acaster: so proud of yourself weren't you really proud well obviously you both laughed because it was such a rude thing to do and I shouldn't have done it and so rude

43:28Nikesh Patel: people don't tell people for like loads of reasons yeah and they want to keep it quiet

43:32James Acaster: it wasn't just the drink there was enough things building up to it that I was like this is definitely what's happening and normally I would keep that to myself and then afterwards say to my partner I think that person might be pregnant yeah no you didn't do that in this instance I was on a high for the DJ set I was so rude I was loads of loads of drinking me and I was like you're pregnant and then you both laughed and went yeah but we haven't told anyone yet and I went nish I figured it out and then the rest of the night I just kept on going up to you guys and pointing at myself and going I figured it out I figured it out was that the night you met Andrew Garfield as well maybe it might have been Garfield no it was the same festival definitely it was the same weekend

44:16Ed Gamble: wasn't that we ended up that evening we ended up at one of the places that had like a salsa dancing competition but it was also like gasto latino yeah but like really like really aggressively sexual salsa dancing.

44:31James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was where I figured it out. Yeah. Where people might have got pregnant. Yeah, yeah. So many people were pregnant that night. We always go there to get the toucan cocktails. This cocktail is really strong. It's great. We just drink that all the time. I'd had enough of those to call out someone for being pregnant. Call out. Yeah. Get the dance. Back there. What was nice about it for me was that I really should have felt mortified that I'd done that. but I just felt so good all night. Yeah, you felt like a competition winner.

45:05Nikesh Patel: Yeah, I was like, it's the best thing, I've figured it out. And afterwards as well, to be fair, when you told me about it, it's not like he was ashamed of what he did. So guess what, I figured it out.

45:13Ed Gamble: It's like the sort of best version of guess how many sweets in the jar. Yeah, it was great because loads of times in life you suspect that that might be happening. But I thought you were going to say loads of times you point at a woman and shout pregnant. Sadly not. yeah but like

45:29Nikesh Patel: it's the sort of terminology you're using man

45:30James Acaster: I'll be like I'm suspicious yeah this person's pregnant yeah but I'm like well I can't I can't ask them so it just has to be that when they announce it then I have to be one of those people who goes yes I knew but like people be like yeah as if you did and you can't ever call it you can't ever go hey

45:47Ed Gamble: I feel like he's really

45:47James Acaster: using this episode to take his moment here yeah you can't ever say to someone you're pregnant because it is rude it's an awful thing to do I'm glad you recognise that yeah good but what a feeling to do it and be right I loved it it felt brilliant I guessed it I guessed it I figured it out

46:03Ed Gamble: I mean how soon I mean how soon after it happened did he tell you did he text you that night

46:09Nikesh Patel: no I don't think so I don't think so I think it was a bit later on yeah I don't think I don't think he got it out there to the general public immediately

46:18James Acaster: no I wasn't I wasn't doing a PR campaign I mean you're lucky

46:21Nikesh Patel: he's come off social media though is what I'm saying yeah yeah oh it would have been straight on there

46:24James Acaster: I would have done a selfie with us and then tweeted I figured it out this was fun yeah yeah

46:30Ed Gamble: or like yeah hatching hatching egg emoji yeah that could have been Pokemon though yeah true

46:35James Acaster: yeah to be fair people see you and me together hatching eggs they think they've been hatching and catching in Glastonbury that's what's going on well so yeah send my regards to Nick thank you I will I regret nothing

46:46Nikesh Patel: yeah and send my regards as well I have nothing to regret

46:50Ed Gamble: no she has very fond memories of where were you guys for yeah

46:56Nikesh Patel: Shrewsbury Prison we started in.

46:57Ed Gamble: Shrewsbury Prison, because she was on her own. And it was quite intense vibes in that. Sure. A lot of different characters in there. A lot of different characters, a lot of different energies. Apparently, like, the Speakmans in prison, like, cured Bobby Siegel of his fear of Marmite or something. Yeah, yeah.

47:15Nikesh Patel: They didn't. He was being polite. He was being polite. Yeah, I don't think he ever touched it.

47:18Ed Gamble: Well, yeah, there's one way to find out.

47:20James Acaster: Yeah.

47:21Ed Gamble: Law him on here and feed him to Marmite.

47:22James Acaster: Definitely, you've got to get Bobby Siegel on. Yeah.

47:24Ed Gamble: You've got to get him on here.

47:25James Acaster: Yeah. That's a no-brainer. But, and the Speakmans can't be found. Speakmans would be

47:32Nikesh Patel: off-menu gold. Yeah. I'd say having dinner with the Speakmans is the most I've ever laughed.

47:37James Acaster: Yes. Yeah, great. Truly. Yeah, yeah. A lot of really great, we won't tell any of them and spoil them in case we do get them on, but some of the best shit your pants stories I've ever heard. The stories about shitting themselves. Really good. I think that side dish sounds great. Great.

47:53Nikesh Patel: Yeah, you're hitting a lot of great things for me here. Good. The chilli paneer, incredible. Yeah. Okra fries, heaven.

48:01James Acaster: And even just a shout out to samosa chart. I love samosa chart.

48:06Ed Gamble: And the best thing about samosa chart as well is like, it's almost like a ritual of assembling it because there are so many bits. You've got samosas, you've got all the different sauces, you've got the sev, which is like the savoury kind of grain stuff. All the herbs, all the chutneys. I mean, like anyone who prepares it well, my mum insists on doing all of the steps together, which is totally worth it, because then you've got all that colour, all that texture, all that flavour.

48:38Nikesh Patel: Should we have some of those for the table?

48:40Ed Gamble: Are we allowed to do that in the Dream Restaurant?

48:42Nikesh Patel: We've never done it before.

48:44James Acaster: I got overruled by you and Rylan on the 200th episode when I was trying to order stuff for the table. You were adamant especially that I couldn't do that.

48:52Nikesh Patel: It's because it's something that you wanted.

48:54James Acaster: Yeah, yeah.

48:55Nikesh Patel: Yeah. And you do that in real life in restaurants as well. Yeah.

48:58Ed Gamble: Can that be an honourable mansion? Yeah. Can there be some mosa chart for the table?

49:03Nikesh Patel: Yeah, but I think we upgraded from honourable mansion, because honourable mansion means you don't get it.

49:07Ed Gamble: Oh, okay.

49:08Nikesh Patel: But for the table... Let's get them out. I'd like some. Do the hand movement.

49:12Ed Gamble: Yeah.

49:12Nikesh Patel: Do the hand movement for the table. What? No, no, no, no. You do something different when you say for the table. Oh, like that. Yeah. Right.

49:21Ed Gamble: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Really, yeah, good.

49:25James Acaster: Really detailed character work. Yeah. Well, that's just me in my normal life. Get for the job. Yeah, yeah.

49:37Ed Gamble: Your dream drink. So it was going to be chai. Yes. Just because I love it. And also, like, there's something really, like, it smells of home. you know it smells of a home specifically being like it was a smell that kind of crept upstairs when I was when I lived with my parents but recently I was at De Shum have opened up a permit room which is like sort of like a restaurant but it's also got like a club vibe and there are rooms you can stay upstairs and they've just opened up one yeah it's very cool in Portobello and they had a chai flavoured espresso martini.

50:24Nikesh Patel: Whoa.

50:24Ed Gamble: So I'm getting one of them. Yeah. Yeah, that's my drink. When did you have this? I had it on Thursday.

50:30James Acaster: So this is fresh.

50:32Ed Gamble: You're still awake from then? Still awake, yeah. But also like new dad, it's a no-brainer drink, you know, like where most people are going like, oh, I mustn't because it will rev me up. I'm like, no, this is, this will keep me functioning. So yeah, the chai espresso martini is my drink.

50:48James Acaster: And what's the, because I've never had this what's the balance of how are they balancing the flavors there? I mean I didn't to be fair

50:55Ed Gamble: I didn't I didn't see them mix it up but you can get so I imagine there's something about using almost using the masala as like a like a seasoning but like what goes into chai masala and it's one of the things I did when I was bored during lockdown because I was like sourdough sounds like way too much effort but I can whiz a bunch of whole spices up but then you've got like Stuff like cardamom, cinnamon, and then a lot of the peppery tastes. Is that a word? And then some people add rose petals. The main thing is you want a nice... A lot of it's for smell as well as taste. Yeah, chai espresso martini is my drink.

51:40Nikesh Patel: It sounds like a great way to upgrade the espresso martini as well.

51:43Ed Gamble: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fun of it to drink, but especially because they're so popular now. sometimes you can have one and you're like yeah I can taste the coffee this is going to keep me awake but it's a little bit like watery or yeah oh god

51:55Nikesh Patel: you can get some really ripey ones now you want it to have that thick mouth feel yeah and you want the good the good foam on the top definitely yeah

52:03James Acaster: I can start doing proper like all the different Starbucks orders yeah and an espresso martini great have a whole huh

52:10Nikesh Patel: take us through flat white is that a milky espresso martini yeah I think that'd work

52:15James Acaster: yeah yeah latte same one bigger

52:23Ed Gamble: it's a bigger when I asked you

52:24Nikesh Patel: to take us through them that wasn't me like actively dropping you in it that wasn't my idea to be like he's not going to have anything up his sleeve here I thought you'd thought about it

52:33James Acaster: no no no I just find an idea off the top of the day Cortado yeah what's that Frappuccino Babycino Babycino oh look at that I don't know Espresso Martini

52:46Ed Gamble: for the babies yeah I didn't think that was through really I mean maybe maybe without the sort of you know without the Kahlua

52:54James Acaster: but the vodka yeah yeah keep the vodka yeah keep the vodka in there yeah um I mean I don't really know all the there are loads of Starbucks figures but I mean a lot of the Starbucks orders are kind of crazy that's like brown sugar creme brulee coffee and stuff yeah they're trying to kill people I'd have that and a espresso martini sure but really those are the kind of Starbucks orders I only ever try in an airport

53:17Ed Gamble: yeah because I've convinced myself are they available like freely in the UK or that feels like something you've got to be in I think you can get some pretty crazy

53:29Nikesh Patel: you can get some pretty crazy stuff in the UK from Starbucks I mean I would never order it but you see people come out of there with like these like glowing drinks yeah where they put the cream on but they've not thought about putting the lid on and then they put the lid on and the cream's all pushing up against it and like there's a hole in the top of the straw it's almost like squirting out the top absolutely disgusting these tiny teenagers walking around drinking it and like enjoy it now guys you're not going to get away

53:53James Acaster: with that in a few years tiny teenagers are absolutely loving Starbucks right now yeah yeah they just go in there and get all the faffuccinos all the cold stuff it's basically a milkshake yeah but they get to feel like they're adults I was curious about Starbucks once just they queue behind about a million tiny teenagers yeah and how are they not just shitting their guts out after they drink I bet they shit their guts out yeah yeah I bet it's cool these days yeah oh yeah

54:14Nikesh Patel: it's probably cool they probably make a TikTok talk of themselves shitting their guts out.

54:17James Acaster: Do you see that episode of Adolescence when they're shitting their guts out?

54:20Ed Gamble: One shot. No, I didn't. Well, yeah, I was going to say, well, yeah, I didn't. No, I missed that.

54:26Nikesh Patel: The way they do it is they start with a drone when they're shitting and it goes all the way into the toilet.

54:31James Acaster: Yeah, all the way through the toilet, through the bend, and then out another toilet and another person shitting.

54:36Ed Gamble: The thing that they do, like when they examine your stomach and then all the way.

54:40Nikesh Patel: Yeah, and then it flies out the mouse and then flies over there and then Stephen Graham's crying.

54:46James Acaster: Steven Kress crying Starbucks going who's to blame for this maybe it's Starbucks maybe maybe it's me I did a very bad misstep at a gig last night where I I had to open for a band I'd agreed to do this and it's comedy opening for a band yeah it's usually a cursed thing you shouldn't be but I love the band so much I agreed to do it what band was this it's a musician called Seb Rockford and it's his new band it's a jazz drummer it's one of my favourite drummers yeah good gig very excited

55:17Nikesh Patel: the things you say yes to man

55:18James Acaster: yeah

55:19Nikesh Patel: hey it was fun he says no to so much good stuff it's always no straight away yeah and he said yes to supporting a jazz drummer and doing celebrity catchphrase

55:28James Acaster: that's tomorrow I can't wait I can never oh it's good as okay so you're recording tomorrow yeah I'll play along with it at the gym I'm looking forward to going to do it

55:34Nikesh Patel: well I can't keep tabs on what's wrong with saying yes to celebrity catchphrase nothing nothing but I can absolutely never have a handle on what he would enjoy doing or what he's going to say yes to

55:43James Acaster: when I said yes to Hunt and he couldn't believe it.

55:45Nikesh Patel: Yeah. Nothing wrong with doing catchphrase at all. I love catchphrase. But James has said yes to it. Are you kidding me? Well, look, I said yes to supporting the band. Oh, yeah. He's a jazz drummer, so you must be doing celebrity catchphrase if you're supporting a jazz drummer. That's my life. Work out what your personality is.

56:07James Acaster: Your dream dessert.

56:09Ed Gamble: Very exciting. This is where... so I've, I've imagined this. So Jeannie's, Jeannie's going to have to magic it, magic it into existence. Um, we got served at our wedding. Um, the, the caterers offered the option of chocolate samosas. Oh, well, so samosas. So like, you know, you get all the delight of like, I mean, you know, chomping off the corners off, off a samosa and the texture of that, but basically filled with Nutella. Um, And a dollop of ice cream at the end of a meal. But then to kind of go left with that a bit, someone I know very well, who I won't out, recently was regaling me with stories about how they had a great time doing mushroom chocolate.

56:59Ed Gamble: So I would like... That's drugs, by the way. That's drugs.

57:02Nikesh Patel: Not just button mushrooms.

57:05James Acaster: Yes. Yeah, not like... My mum, who listens to this podcast, just heard mushroom chocolate, went, oh interesting I'm going to try that

57:12Ed Gamble: I mean it is interesting but you know

57:14James Acaster: don't do it

57:14Ed Gamble: you need a responsible adult with you or a genie magic mushroom chocolate your mum's definitely done mushrooms

57:21Nikesh Patel: what

57:22Ed Gamble: your mum's definitely

57:24Nikesh Patel: she's been a shroom head what's your mum's name my mum's not a shroom head you don't know that your mum was on shrimps when she did that impression of me the other day

57:32James Acaster: impression of Ed

57:33Ed Gamble: what was the can you give a flavour of the impression

57:35James Acaster: yeah yeah I filmed it I sent it to Ed because she was we were we were talking about off my years that's such an impression of Ed it was a what's your man's little bro

57:45Nikesh Patel: didn't sound anything like me

57:47Ed Gamble: but that's that's why it's so fun

57:51Nikesh Patel: yeah it was a fun impression but it's just the idea that to James' to James' mum I'm using the phrase little bro all the time I go what's your man's little bro yeah that's kind of

58:02James Acaster: what you're like I think my mum imagines you with a backwards baseball cap yeah yeah

58:05Ed Gamble: it's the Steve Buscemi skateboard yeah exactly yeah yeah fellow kids vibe

58:09James Acaster: yeah that's how she imagines that so what's your dessert little bro yeah

58:15Ed Gamble: yeah magic mushroom chocolate samosas so you know you can you can have a you can continue continue to have a good time

58:21Nikesh Patel: yeah

58:22Ed Gamble: after the meal here's what I think

58:24Nikesh Patel: about drugs yeah here we go no here's what I think about drugs in food yeah if you put drugs in something delicious that you definitely want more of is the issue that your hunger and cravings are going to take over then you end up having too much of the drugs.

58:40Ed Gamble: Almost certainly, which is why, because in the dream restaurant, you've got a genie looking after you. I would entrust the genie with basically making safe.

58:54Nikesh Patel: Yeah.

58:54Ed Gamble: You know?

58:55Nikesh Patel: Which is not a phrase you'd want to say if you were normally taking drugs. If you were like, someone said you've had too many of those. You go, don't worry, the genie's keeping you safe. Yeah, yeah.

59:03Ed Gamble: Yeah. Oh, well, he's had... Yeah. Portion control has not been great on this one. I completely hear you. And look, this is untried territory. I also don't know, like, having never had mushroom chocolate, does it taste nice? Because I don't want to, you know, throw off the integrity of a good chocolate samosa. Of course, yeah. But dream version, it tastes delicious. You get a little buzz. You might see something. Have you done mushrooms before? I haven't done mushrooms before.

59:32James Acaster: So what was it about your friend's story that made you go,

59:35Ed Gamble: Oh, I'd quite like to do mushrooms. especially in chocolate form maybe I'll do it in a dream restaurant with a responsible because they you know people that I've spoken to that have done it say do it with someone who is not partaking so that they can sort of you know make sure that you're not doing anything I mean it should be someone who's already done the drug right

1:00:00James Acaster: yeah that would help not someone who's completely out of their depth because I'm I'm going to be so out of my depth yeah I'm going to try my best and I hope my genie powers will come into place somehow but like I've never done a drug apart from I'm an alcoholic

1:00:14Nikesh Patel: and if he's around people who have done drugs I know what you're like on alcohol for goodness sake

1:00:18Ed Gamble: yeah

1:00:19Nikesh Patel: I'd have been a nightmare I'd have been a nightmare

1:00:20Ed Gamble: prego shame in left front yeah

1:00:23Nikesh Patel: also if James is around people who've done drugs he will shout at them for having done the drugs I'm going to tell them off I just

1:00:30James Acaster: you are a junkie it's like oh yeah yeah that's funny yeah especially if it's just weed or something yeah they've got a problem and they're an addict so would that would that be

1:00:42Ed Gamble: the case if if i were if i ended the meal in your restaurant yeah with a little trip on some mushroom chocolate samosas would you because in my in my head i was like it's fine the genie's gonna look after me but it's it's gonna be tiring if you're looking after me but also just constantly

1:00:58James Acaster: pointing at me going you're a junkie you're a problem i think because you're in my restaurant I would be very nice to you but at the end when I put you in a cab I would secretly send it to the Priory cab okay yeah great yeah you'd be straight to the Priory you'd be straight to the Priory the rules of this world

1:01:12Ed Gamble: it's like okay

1:01:13James Acaster: so it'd be a little funny joke at the end for me it's all powder I know you're going to the Priory you think you're going home yeah

1:01:17Nikesh Patel: you'd be there with all the other off-menu guests who've picked drugs on their menu Mike Skinner Dan Aykroyd

1:01:22Ed Gamble: I mean tell me more yeah that might be it

1:01:25Nikesh Patel: there's not many

1:01:26Ed Gamble: who's the first Mike Skinner Mike Skinner and Dan Aykroyd yeah yeah yeah that's actually pretty good

1:01:30James Acaster: nice little gang the three of you I'd love that I'd watch whatever TV show that is it's got the three of you what

1:01:36Ed Gamble: did they pick mushrooms

1:01:38James Acaster: no they picked a sativa blunt for Dan Aykroyd yeah great it's like a there's more weed but for Mike Skinner that was like a little starter yeah nice cushy punch mango cushy punch sounds

1:01:55Ed Gamble: that'd be a good hang in the rehab centre

1:01:57James Acaster: yeah yeah

1:01:58Ed Gamble: if it doesn't sound too like yeah it's kind of like I mean I'm imagining as far as as rehab hangs go you know Mike Skinner and Dan Uckow are doing a bit of weed and me sort of imagining because I'm seeing James' face shouting at my wife in a cloud or something yeah

1:02:18Nikesh Patel: I reckon you'd be the least cool guy in rehab though if you go in there for chocolates and moses

1:02:23Ed Gamble: that would stand anyway with those two can't get enough of chocolates and moses

1:02:29James Acaster: with mushrooms who invited this guy quite hard to get hold of actually how he's developed a habit for mushroom chocolate samosas a dessert that he invented yeah would you like all the wedding guests there as well to have the samosas with you the mushroom chocolate samosas

1:02:46Ed Gamble: I mean yeah if they're yeah if we're all doing it together it'd be really hectic if I was the only one doing it and they were sort of watching me freak out

1:02:56Nikesh Patel: you could offer them and then if someone turns them down and you could go I figured it out I figured it out

1:03:02James Acaster: so if your parents I imagine were at the wedding you want them to have those samosas with the mushrooms in there I've got to be careful now

1:03:09Ed Gamble: I think I think a very gentle dose who do you think would be able to hack it the most out of your mum and dad I sort of know it would be my mum would be able to hack it

1:03:18James Acaster: yeah

1:03:19Ed Gamble: but then my dad having said no not for me would then get really into it

1:03:25James Acaster: he'd have eaten one in the car on the way home yeah exactly yeah

1:03:29Ed Gamble: my dad my dad would be saying you gotta pay the pipe yeah yeah that's the dynamic and mum's mum's review when we're when we're all debriefing in the priory would be

1:03:42Nikesh Patel: oh there goes the priory as well yeah well yeah yeah

1:03:46Ed Gamble: yeah if I'm gonna hang out with Mike Skerr and Dan Aykroyd then I might just yeah

1:03:51Nikesh Patel: bring your parents yeah I'm not I've already

1:03:53Ed Gamble: I'm already the least cool guy there I'll bring my mum and dad yeah I think that'd be the dynamic mum would be like yeah I didn't really do anything for me I'd be fine dad would get involved it's going to be an interesting one for them to listen to this really delicious meal and then he's like oh okay son has a deep yearning to have psychedelics

1:04:19Nikesh Patel: it sounds like you're being sensible about it as well

1:04:22Ed Gamble: well you know you know it's I'm curious I think it'd be a good experience and crucially we've got I'm taking advantage of the fact that I've got my own genie who I'm also tasking with the responsibility of making sure that I don't go too far and I don't end up in the project I mean how does this sound

1:04:42Nikesh Patel: if we bring you a plate of chocolate samosas yeah and some like there's maybe like roulette yeah there's like two that have got so you can keep eating them but only certain ones have mushrooms in sure

1:04:55James Acaster: because then

1:04:55Nikesh Patel: that'll probably keep you safe yeah yeah now I'm into that if you like

1:05:00James Acaster: I think instead of me looking after you I'm going to magic into the restaurant Simon Amstel who we've we've had on the podcast and he's very he knows all about this stuff yeah he would be able to help you out and make sure you're okay yeah and I think he would resist

1:05:16Ed Gamble: yeah Simon would be great so he'd be

1:05:18Nikesh Patel: he'd also resist your menu because he's got shit taste in food

1:05:22Ed Gamble: he'd like it he's vegetarian he's vegan right he's not having the paneer oh yeah he's vegan he'd tell me off now that I'm vegan not veggie sorry Simon veggie not vegan yeah but that's fine yeah as long as he doesn't do it

1:05:36Nikesh Patel: when you're buzzing yeah you don't want that

1:05:39Ed Gamble: what just being scolded by Simon yeah

1:05:41Nikesh Patel: him telling you about loads of chicks being sent into a grinder while you're trying to have a nice time with your chocolate samosa

1:05:47Ed Gamble: yeah no thanks

1:05:48Nikesh Patel: you're shrooming off your noggin and Simon Amstel's saying why are you taking milk from that baby?

1:05:52James Acaster: Yeah. Then you're imagining a baby and having the milk taken from it. I think you're like, it was our fault. It's not what I'm here to be reminded about. Adolescence was our fault for taking the milk from the babies. If we hadn't done that. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Thank you. You would like Stillwater with a long sliced cuke. Puffin arms of bread. You would like Roti Chennai from Penang. Correct. Starter are Chilaquiles. Yes. Next guy. Main course, a generous portion of chilli paneer. Side dish, aqua fries from Bombay spice. It's a motor chart for the table.

1:06:29James Acaster: Benito's written Paul Le Tabla. Very good. And I imagine he would want me to point that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proud of it. He got pleasure from that when he wrote that down. Just like something a 60-year-old man would say.

1:06:39Nikesh Patel: Yeah, yeah. Paul Le Tabla followed by, have you seen the latest Top Gear? My YouTube seems to think I love Top Gear.

1:06:51James Acaster: it's a new thing you keep clicking on it though have you watched any of the videos? I thought I clicked on one of them so that's my it was phrased like it was James May slagging off Clarkson I was like I want to see that there's a rift in the fucking yeah you watched it and I watched it but now that was a while ago

1:07:06Nikesh Patel: but that's how algorithms work this is like people posting under videos going why am I seeing these videos so much because you keep fucking posting under them saying why am I seeing them

1:07:13Ed Gamble: when he clicked on it once one video of a tractor race in the pool and suddenly it was a

1:07:19Nikesh Patel: I mean, it was a post-Top Gear interview. I know why I get top five Karens. Because I watch them and I love watching them. You love watching Karens? Top five Karens. Hold on. Yeah, unpack that for us.

1:07:33Ed Gamble: What's required to be a top five Karens? Do you mean just... Just some ladies getting angry. Yeah, yeah.

1:07:38Nikesh Patel: Specifically. Throwing things as car windscreens and stuff.

1:07:40Ed Gamble: Yeah.

1:07:41James Acaster: I love Karens. Didn't know that about you. Just learned something new about Eddie. He loves Karens. He loves it if they're ranked as well. I very rarely agree with the rankings yeah yeah rankings are annoying yeah when you watch them on editing you're like how is this number one

1:07:57Nikesh Patel: yeah because they also open with the best ones keep you watching the video and that's number five

1:08:00James Acaster: yeah

1:08:01Nikesh Patel: so number one's rubbish

1:08:02James Acaster: yeah absolutely rubbish the amount of times I fall for clickbait I'm getting so annoyed at myself it says you won't believe this amazing story that's so basic

1:08:14Nikesh Patel: that's the most basic clickbait I fall for it every time

1:08:18James Acaster: let's see if I believe this amazing story yeah oh no it's the most boring thing I've ever heard turns out I did believe it yeah yeah drink chai flavoured espresso martini from Deschoum correct dessert magic mushroom chocolate samosas with a little scoop of ice cream

1:08:34Ed Gamble: with a little scoop of ice cream

1:08:35James Acaster: fantastic Simon Amstel and maybe Simon Amstel

1:08:38Ed Gamble: and maybe Simon Amstel is my sort of like shaming for the evening

1:08:40James Acaster: yeah yeah you're shaming but not shaming you for not being yeah we got it you didn't need to carry on

1:08:48Nikesh Patel: you didn't need to carry on because shaman not shaman was beautiful some listeners may have needed it's not just we're trying to get rid of those listeners oh yeah

1:09:02Ed Gamble: Mexican listeners might have needed the contact

1:09:05James Acaster: yeah yeah our Mexican listener yeah yeah but the people in Jersey that was for you the explanation

1:09:14Nikesh Patel: well gracias much gracias thank you very much

1:09:17James Acaster: to you Nikesh thank you Nikesh it's been a pleasure I mean I feel like there's stuff I should apologise for but I'm not going to I don't think we're just shouting

1:09:25Ed Gamble: pregnant yeah

1:09:27James Acaster: for example beating you at hunted yeah thrashing you thrashing you at hunted I beat you even more because I lasted

1:09:35Nikesh Patel: longer than James you did yeah yeah you did I'd go and watch

1:09:40James Acaster: The Glass Menagerie with my parents

1:09:42Nikesh Patel: James had to go and see a play with his parents and I sat behind a climbing wall longer for the the entirety of your time on the show.

1:09:48Ed Gamble: Was it a good production? Did you enjoy it? No. Who was in it? Amy Adams. Was she good?

1:09:55James Acaster: I love Amy Adams, yeah. The Glass Menage. I think the production in general, I thought all the actors were really good. The actual thing, I was like, I don't know why we're doing this. But then I was still thinking like I was on the run. Yeah. So I don't know if...

1:10:11Ed Gamble: They sort of say that to you when you go in, you're like and you know you can feel a you might you might feel a bit weird coming out of it and and when you're when you haven't played the game yet you're like that's a that's that sounds comical but then you do like for the longest time it's just like walking past security cameras and like constantly being aware of like who can see me jumping in white vans yeah yeah oh no hold on yeah should we do it don't do that well thank you very much for coming to the dream

1:10:42Nikesh Patel: restaurant Nick Ash you've been fantastic thank you very much for having me

1:10:44James Acaster: thank you Nick Ash

1:10:45Nikesh Patel: thank you Nick Ash

1:10:51Nikesh Patel: there we are James Nick Ash Patel what a delicious menu

1:10:55James Acaster: cracking menu I love paneer man yeah I love all those things I would steer clear of the drugs

1:11:00Nikesh Patel: yeah I didn't say it at the time because I didn't want to seem like a dweeb around such a cool drugs guy yeah but I'm why bother now yeah we can't start doing drugs now You're 40. I'm basically 40.

1:11:13James Acaster: Yeah. I think doing drugs now is the stupidest time in your life to start doing them. Yes. I think when you're young or when you're really old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:11:22Nikesh Patel: Although I'd say, like, I feel like 40 is the time I'm going to start removing things from my life rather than adding them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:11:29James Acaster: What are you thinking of removing? Baseball caps, I think, was on my list. Oh, but then my mum won't know how to imagine you. That'd be hard.

1:11:37Nikesh Patel: But I've been buying a lot of caps recently, so I think I'm clinging on to 39 pretty hard.

1:11:41James Acaster: Yeah, well, you've got pretty much a year left.

1:11:44Nikesh Patel: Yeah, yeah.

1:11:45James Acaster: Being in your 30s.

1:11:46Nikesh Patel: I can't see... I think I thought I'd be wearing suits by this point. Sure. But when am I going to, you know... Well, you've got this suit fitting soon. Yeah, but I'm not going to wear it all the time. But I'd love to be... You know, we had Paul Feig on this podcast. Oh, yeah. He looks so great all the time. But when did he start doing that, is what I want to know.

1:12:03James Acaster: Yeah.

1:12:04Nikesh Patel: When do you make the leap?

1:12:05James Acaster: Yeah, because, like, I mean, Tom Neenan's been doing it forever.

1:12:08Nikesh Patel: Yeah, since he was a baby.

1:12:10James Acaster: Yeah, so, yeah. you don't have to even think about it

1:12:12Nikesh Patel: yeah I should have done it earlier shouldn't I

1:12:14James Acaster: you should have done it earlier you could become a suit guy I was saying this actually while we were I've just come back from holiday

1:12:20Nikesh Patel: and on holiday

1:12:21James Acaster: I saw a man in a suit eating an ice cream and I thought that could be me

1:12:26Nikesh Patel: yeah you still get to have ice cream

1:12:28James Acaster: still get to have ice cream I didn't know that that was still on the table so like I said to my girlfriend maybe I should start wearing suits and she really laughed and she told other people it was a very funny thing I said

1:12:39Nikesh Patel: so that's not going to happen for you

1:12:41James Acaster: I don't think that's going to happen for me either

1:12:44Nikesh Patel: maybe I'll wait for some sort of horrific life event and then start wearing suits so people can't mention it

1:12:49James Acaster: something for the listeners to look forward to if you see Ed in a suit in the photo a horrific life event has taken place something's gone bad Nick Ash did not choose Hunter's Chicken that would have been a horrific life event if he had done that and he's veggie, I didn't know that so that was never going to happen unless he had said Hunter's Chicken but hold the chicken, hold the bacon just cheese and barbecue sauce please which we definitely would have kicked them out for yeah that's even worse the worst part

1:13:16Nikesh Patel: cheese on a plate with our barbecue sauce

1:13:19James Acaster: who chose cheese on a plate? Charlotte Church Charlotte Church

1:13:22Nikesh Patel: she talked about cheese on a plate certainly

1:13:24James Acaster: I don't know if she picked it did she? Benito says yes whatever Benito says is usually gospel well Ed it's been a pleasure as always I love to talk to you

1:13:38Nikesh Patel: well it was you too James I suppose we'll return again I suppose we shall what thanks very much for listening we'll see you again soon on the Off-Media Podcast

1:14:07James Acaster: Hey, I'm Alison Spittle. And I'm Fern Brady. And you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast, Ignore That Feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls. who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday, the 10th of February.

1:14:44James Acaster: So please listen and subscribe.