Nina Conti

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0:55Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the creme of conversation, adding the sugar of friendship and blowtorching with the flame of the internet. Creme Brulee Podcast. Creme Brulee.

1:06James Acaster: That is it, Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week, we invite a guest and ask them a favour to ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. I just said creme, but for creme brulee, but it's more complicated than that. But, you know, I didn't want to take up too much time with that bit. And this week, our guest is... Nina Conti! Nina Conti, a wonderful comedian, ventriloquist, many more things besides. One of the absolute greats. She occupies such a unique place on the comedy landscape. The Nina Conti place. And it's just incredible.

1:46James Acaster: Like, she's so funny, so original, so inventive. We're very lucky to have her on the podcast. Yes, absolutely we are. And she is on tour. It's been extended into the autumn with Nina Conti. Whose face is it anyway? And this, I think, involves a lot of... I mean, the brilliance of Nina Conti, of putting these masks on audience members, using them as her puppets, improvising by what they do with their bodies and their movements. It's absolutely incredible. It's always good. Always good. One of the only people I've ever seen absolutely take the roof off of the tent at Latitude, the comedy tent, which is notoriously hard to play.

2:26James Acaster: And you'll see horror stories. there's been like reports in newspapers of comedians walking off stage during that gig because it is a bit difficult and uh and that's one of the nicest festival gigs it's one of the nicest festival gigs audiences often are really enjoying the comedy in that tent but you know they're at a festival they're lying down they're not being that vocal about it laughing that loud they're just chilling out and watching the comedy it takes a really engaging comic that they can't they just get completely drawn into to really make them laugh out loud, especially to the point where everyone in that tent is losing it.

3:01James Acaster: And let me tell you, that comic ain't me. That comic ain't me. But it is Nina Conti. The kids run around like stray dogs. Yeah, literally. The times I've done it, I'm just talking for my allotted time and then I'm walking off. And do you know what? I don't even bother slagging the gig off on stage. That's how much I'm not invested in it. I'll wait until I'm on a podcast years later. But Nina's brilliant. This is the point. Yes, Nina is absolutely fantastic. However, if Nina does pick the secret ingredient, ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will be forced to kick her out of the Dream Restaurant.

3:35James Acaster: So this week, the secret ingredient is monkey nuts. Monkey nuts. Because, of course, probably the puppet that is most famous from Nina's repertoire is a monkey called Monkey. A monkey called Monkey, who I first saw in a Christopher Guest film. I think I can't remember which Christopher Guest film it is actually I think maybe for your consideration but there's a scene where Nina plays a weather person she's in the weather report and just has the monkey with her and you just go oh I guess that's a thing but I didn't know who she was I didn't know that it was like you know but you saw Nina as well in that right yeah Nina's there but she's like you said I first saw monkey in the Christopher Guest film and I thought that's pretty harsh sure it's also where I first saw Nina She's done an audition tape, Monkey's been reading off camera, and they've gone, who's doing the reading lines?

4:28It's a monkey. Get the monkey in.

4:29James Acaster: Let's get the monkey in for that part. Yeah, they're both in it. Yeah. But I was like, it's whether that person's got a monkey on their hand. Yeah. I think I'm going to look into that person, see who it is, and discover the comedy of Nina Conti. Nina has also directed a film, her directorial debut, and written the film, co-written with Shanoa Allen. It's called Sunlight, and it's done the festival, so keep an eye out for sunlight. Yeah, it's bound to be on a platform soon and we're going to talk to Nina about it and find out more. Executive produced by Christopher Guest. Really? Yes. Well, I think I know where they met.

5:02This is the off-menu menu of Nina Conti.

5:14Welcome, Nina, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me.

5:18James Acaster: Welcome Nina Conti to the G Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Oh, wow. Exciting. Did you spill something? It sounded explosive. Well, I did sound like I spilled something, didn't I? Yes. Yeah, yeah. What would be the worst thing I could have spilled just then? And what would be the best thing? Minestrone? Worst? Yeah. Best. That's bad. Because you've got bits in it. Popcorn. Fun to look at. Fun to look at and pretty fun to pick up and put back in a box. And eat. Would you say? And eat. Still. That's why when I go to the cinema, I tip my popcorn all over the floor because I know the staff will really enjoy picking that up.

5:50And eating it. And eating it, yes. It's really hard not to fill your popcorn in the cinema. It is. There's something large about that. There's no way to put it under your feet. I feel very tense about where my feet and my popcorn are.

6:01James Acaster: Yeah. There's nowhere else to put it. They should provide overhead storage, like on trains, for you to put your popcorn in. What about the people sat behind you? Bad luck. What, popcorn all over the floor? You can't have both. So hang on. One or the other. Are you imagining above your head, wherever you're sitting? Yeah, but like a net. Yes, now you're talking. A net. Like a net shelf. In fact, the whole cinema is hammocked. Yeah. We're lying in hammocks and we have separate hammocks for popcorn. Separate hammocks for the popcorn next to you and then you can just reach over and pick out the popcorn, are you thinking?

6:38Yeah, on either side. Or you could lie in a hammock and then they could come and pour the popcorn into the hammock with you and then you're just in a sort of big old hammock full of popcorn.

6:47James Acaster: It would fall through the holes, but like I think maybe if people were beneath you, that'd be nice because then they'd be, get the rain rained on with the popcorn above them. This is like, we need acid, I think. There's something, this is lovely, but it's a little tame as hallucinations go. Is it? I've never done drugs. This is wild for me. This is wild. I haven't actually done that. What should we add to this cinema then? I don't know. I was just thinking, I've got to kick this up a notch. What are we going to do with this popcorn now? You know what I mean? Surely you've done acid. Your shows are crazy.

7:23James Acaster: Look at that face you're putting on, people. I know. It's very like that. It's very like it's like a dungeon or something. That's very trippy. Yeah. You must have been on acid to write that. No, I know. No, I haven't. Believe it or not. I'm scared. Scared. My dad told me when I was about 14 that he knew someone who curled into a ball and screamed for a year. after taking acid. And it really went in. It went in so... It's obviously a lie now, looking back. Clearly a lie. Gotta be. It's a lie, Dad. But there are those childhood lies that you don't unpick them until you're much older and go, hang on a minute.

7:59Yeah. You know that whole thing of you get told if the wind changes, if you make a stupid face, the wind changes, you'll stay like that? Exactly, yes. My mum told me she went to school with someone who that happened to. That genuinely happened to. but I think my mum believed it really she said a girl a girl came back after the summer break and her face she'd be making a stupid face and her face had changed pretty sure it's like yeah she was convinced by it oh god how old were you and she's like 13 14 I was like you sure it wasn't a different girl a different girl or just like the changes of life she's got a different face you haven't seen her in a while got a haircut

8:35James Acaster: speaking of faces whose face is it anyway great link man yes the fantastic show by Nina Conti autumn 2025 tour extension that must mean it's been a popular show Nina it's been very nice yes it's been full yeah so we're doing more and I'm making it very compact in October I'm doing a lot of touring I'm so sorry I'm feeling really guilty I shat on the popcorn hammock dream I think it was tame you feel bad that you did that I feel really bad I started it and I blocked maybe we can add some shit to it I'm so sorry. You eat the popcorn, you shit through the hammock. Never shit through a hammock. Oh, no.

9:13Imagine. Like Play-Doh factory. Play-Doh factory. Oh, jeez, who he eats. Joe Lycett's back. What, not tame enough for you? Oh, God, I know. Joe Lycett's back. Yeah, have you seen his back coming through this? It's like a chair or something. It's a hammock, I think. Yeah, yeah, it is a hammock he did that with, yeah.

9:29James Acaster: I got mistaken for Lycett again at the weekend by two apps. They were hammered, but it was like five in the afternoon. I went in a shop, they're absolutely trashed. they clocked me and they well for one they were calling me James Lancaster and then they were like so good you're special on 8 out of 10 cats does countdown and I was like what are you talking about they don't do comedy 8 out of 10 cats does countdown does new comedy specials they were like no no your special was on that and one of them was Australian he kept saying look cunt it was on 10 cats does countdown you read out the letters that you sent to the car parking guys I was like that's Joe Lice no no no that's not a special yeah it's not a special it was a segment that he did on it they were furious that I wouldn't admit that they thought I was being, they said, stop being humble.

10:12James Acaster: Stop being humble and said it wasn't you. Wow. But what we're talking about is your show, not Joe Lice hit on eight out of 10 counselors countdown. My show, I just did four in Scotland and I got to a point at the end of the one last night in, God, it's so hard to remember where you've just been. I was in Aberdeen. Yeah. And I got to a point where I had people going like this. I can't remember how it started, but I'm just showing the listener these tweaky little birds my hands are making on either side. And all four people were going like this and I was making them say, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky.

10:48And something flipped and suddenly I couldn't speak. And I had to apologise and say, I've taken this somewhere too, just so stupid that I can't speak. You've got me. I did it. I blew it. I blew the fuse. There must be those moments now and again, because I get them and I'm just like up there just telling stories or whatever. But when you're doing that and you've got the audience involved with the masks, you must just be like, take a moment and go, how's it got to this? What's happening now? How did we get here? I'm looking left and right going, what is happening in the universe in this little square, 12 foot square?

11:22It's really odd. But it was delightful. And coming out the train in Aberdeen and seeing the rain in the face in the back of the car parks and these sort of flyover roads that have pavements and then you get to the theatre and I think, I'm definitely in the right job because this theatre feels like the best building to be in right now. Anywhere, you know, it's like cosy, the lights come on, oh, thank goodness, home. But then I made them do that.

11:49James Acaster: Why did you make them do that? Well, it happens without any planning and someone lifts their hand and I'm watching everyone like a hawk for something to go with. Somebody lifts a hand, like, I don't know, I suppose they were gesturing about my monkey or something, but I make him say, I have a duck and I have two and this one's happy and this one's sad and then it's just gone and then other people start lifting their hands and they want to have their ducky duckies and everyone's going ducky ducky. I'm like, what sort of roster blobby nonsense have I come up with here? How do we get home? How do we rise somewhere higher minded?

12:29James Acaster: You met Blobby? Never met Blobby. I'd be terrified. I met Blobby. Have you? I'd love to meet Blobby in and out of the suit out of the suit quite the thesp is it? really talks really talks quite loftily about Blobby yeah talks about Blobby in the in mask like the mask yeah yeah right yeah I guess you've got to do some notes you know yes I've seen you your amazing documentary Her Master's Voice when you're doing the ventriloquist dummies in the evening when you've had a bit to drink I don't think you know which is which Nina maybe not that was compelling stuff there's a point when you push a dummy off your hand and you're like, you're horrible.

13:07You think Blobby goes home, gets pissed, puts the head on? Goes, where is he? Is there a head? Is it a separate head? Good question. I didn't see him standing like that.

13:17James Acaster: I just saw him completely out of the costume or in the costume where he is full Blobby even in rehearsals for the panel show. And you cannot get him to do what he's told. Blobby doesn't make a noise, does he? He's such a Blobby, Blobby, Blobby. That's how we know he's called Mr. Blobby. And that's the guy in there is the one making the blobby noise. Yeah, he's going nuts. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he's going insane. I think it's him doing it. Well, you could dub it. I should have asked that question, but I'm not. Easy to lip sync. But you're like in the same biz as blobby. Yeah, listen. So you would have thought to ask that.

13:47We can't. Is that okay to say? I can't have it, James. That's not. How does that make you feel when James said that you're in the same biz as blobby? I can't have it. It's pretty similar.

13:57I can't. Please, no. You just said you were on stage shouting ducky, ducky, ducky. that's not far away from Blobby Blobby Blobby I know but that was the absolute Nadia of my career

14:07James Acaster: last time I saw you was at a Christmas party and I think I spent most of it reprimanding you for giving me the hardest gig of my life years ago I know you want to go for it again one more time I'd love to hear this please I thought I didn't come out well of this story I think you come out well I think it's just funny I think it's a funny circumstances when Nina and I did a new material night what we were told was a new material night. We turned up and then we discovered while we were there, the compere was on. Everyone was having a bad gig. There was about 20 acts on and the compere at one point spoke to someone in the front row who revealed how much they'd paid for their ticket and Nina was next to me and he went, what the fuck?

14:46James Acaster: That's loads. We can't all be going up there doing new stuff. Oh no. And I was like, well, it's new material. We're not getting paid. And Nina was like, I don't feel good about this. And then I just saw her put the new puppet back in her bag and then bring out the monkey. And I was like, you're in trouble. I was like, Nina, on after you what are you what are you doing goes on just obliterates not just the venue all of soho was like in ruins after this gig like absolutely the audience's heads are spinning around and popping off people can't believe how funny it is it's literally the best so you know nina's like got uh uh like a set with that monkey that is some of the best comedy you'll ever see yeah and then i had to go on after that with my nervous stuff and i never died why didn't you pivot because I didn't have anything like that.

15:30James Acaster: Come on. Even my old stuff. Come on, James. Ready to eat apricots. No, because he's pure. No, I think it's pure art. He's there to do the art. That's what you should do. That's why I think he's more valiant in that story because you go on, you do your new stuff. That's how you create. You're a professional. It's how you keep the world going. You gave those people a good night. Yeah. All right. James refuses to give people a good night. Famously. I think I probably didn't have new material. I probably was just thinking. You did have new material. You had a bunch of puppets that were all new. They were all sitting at the back next to me while I was watching you, looking at those guys going, what?

16:05Have you ever had a new puppet to do new material and then it turns out it just doesn't work? Yeah, I've never really had any other puppets than a monkey. I had a granny for a bit and then I thought it was a man puppet actually that put in a dress. But then I thought I'll get an actual granny and then I'll... I spent a lot of time and money designing this old lady and then when she arrived, she had nothing to say. And I would look at her and think, say something, goddammit, nothing. Just a sad, needy look, like a dog that you have to leave in the house. And so I don't... Just sitting there when you come back from gigs being like, did you have a good time?

16:45Did you have another good one, did you? Use the fucking monkey again. Terce and just like this feeling of owing. And so I ended up just using monkey, really. There's something so comfortable about that monkey to me. It's the one. It's the one. It's got the voice. I was going to say I've definitely fallen for my own illusion. But he's very easy. Fits in a handbag. He's a very straight-looking face that you can project anything on. So I don't really. I'll be really surprised if I use another puppet. It serves the purpose. I'm not a puppet guy. I'm not actually a monkey guy either. Well now this thing of putting the masks on the audience as well, I think when you hit on that, that must have been absolutely huge.

17:31That's lovely and it just keeps generating new stuff. Yeah, I love that. And I've started making my own of those a bit. And then I've got somebody, I've got a better system now with 3D printing them and you can come up with a few more faces more quickly. So yeah, it's different every time and that's really a relief. It's lovely.

17:49James Acaster: if Ed, myself and Benito were puppets who do you think would be the most inspiring if you looked at us who would have the most to say well Benito is the most inspiring in this situation he hasn't got a mic and it's like what would he say what's he thinking he's thinking a lot of stuff he's fucked up a lot this week I mean you guys are very capable with your own faces I don't feel like the need to override what you've got you know Yeah, the silent producer is an intriguing character. It's very intriguing. It's very, very... He definitely hates our guts, I'll tell you that one. He hates our guts.

18:26James Acaster: If he was a puppet, he'd be slagging us off, even though he's fucked up a lot this week.

18:33James Acaster: We always start with still the sparkling water, Nina. Oh, yes. I'm going to go sparkling, belting stuff from the Highlands, not this gentle Italian fizz. Yeah. That really... Stuff that hurts. that's the amount that excoriates the roof of your mouth. Feels sparkling. Strong bubbles, spiking bubbles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How ferocious do you want the bubbles? As ferocious as it gets, yeah. Yeah, you want to feel it. Well, this is the dream restaurant, so we can take it dangerously ferocious if you want. Yeah, let's go for it. It's really going to be painful, though. Yeah. It's going to be like a big cup of pins.

19:10Yeah. Like they're moving really fast. Okay, let's go for it. Just constantly. It hurts.

19:15James Acaster: Wow, you're tough, man. Yeah. you're so tough how long have you been tough for? 10 minutes 10 minutes toughness 10 minutes toughness tap do you get a lot of tap? some people do specify tap and it's because where they grew up or where they live has very good tap and they're very proud of it no I also think it's people who want to seem down to earth during an interview yeah yeah they're like oh no I'll just have tap and you look at them and you're like you ain't having tap no way you'd throw tap back in your assistant's face in a restaurant I actually often do go tap when they say still or sparkling but then you feel guilty it's like oh okay tap Luddite I don't think you should feel guilty I think they set it up so you have to ask for tap so when they go do you want still or sparkling water you have to make that step and say tap to get it for free so all they're doing is trying to get more money out of you yeah it's true yeah and you should say all that to them yeah you go I know what you're doing yeah yeah be like i know what this is now bring me sparkling water that's painful let's start as we mean to go on here and be honest with each other and open and not have you try and just pull the wool over bars and trick me yeah well sometimes it's all the way around yesterday i had a whole thing with my the shop around the corner from me always trying to get me to have a loyalty card oh and i'm always like i don't know i don't want one and that and hang on what do you mean always do they know it to you every time or do they offer it as a new customer?

20:45James Acaster: They know it to me every time. They always offer me a loyalty card and go, no, I'm all right. Once I had it and I lost it within a week and I was like, I'm not bothering with this. And yesterday she was like, come on, just you're in here all the time, get a loyalty card. She's got a point. I was like, I'm not having one. I'll lose it, it'll become a whole thing for me where I've got to remember to have it. It'll become a stress in my life I don't need. And I'm trying to say to her, I'm loaded. Without saying it. And I try to say, look, I promise you, I'm going to come in here just as much as I do anyway.

21:14James Acaster: Either way. So you're either going to get more or less money. What sort of shop is it? Just a nice shop. I'll go and get my fruits and vegetables, go and get my smoked salmon, go and get my kombucha. Oh, is that? You can get a loyalty card in a shop like that. They know you're loaded because you're going in to get your kombuchas and smoked salmon from a shop regularly. Yes. I feel like if I had managed to fill up a whole thing of stamps and then I got a free coffee, would it be enough? no I don't know if it would feel enough what would you want instead? much more I'd want all kinds I don't know I'd want a holiday I bought 10 coffees and now I'm claiming my holiday I managed to fill this up do you know what it took to remember that and bring it this coffee is not the big enough reward I would say if it was a holiday to Aberdeen would that be a good enough holiday?

22:10No, although I did have a holiday in a car park in Selkirk during lockdown. That was really, that was a big, big error. I fell for the photographs on the Airbnb, which were a country mansion with rolling hills. And they were nearby, but they weren't part of the bloody place. It was in a car park. I'm not joking. So on the photos, it was just photos of the local scenery rather than the view from the window. So I find that kind of thing painful. I found booking painful when I don't read the small print. I just think, oh, I'm not going to go if I don't just book it. Shall I just book it? Shall I just book it?

22:47Then go and then suffer.

22:50James Acaster: Car park. Terrible at that. Yeah. So in my head, you were in a car as well. You were sleeping in your car on holiday in the car park. Oh, yeah, in the car park. That's what I thought. When you said that, I thought, oh, my God. It's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. But you were in a house in the car park. I was in a house in the car park. I think somebody had a garage and they turned it into a lofty barn sort of thing, but it wasn't really. It was probably still out there. Were you in the little box with the arm that goes up and down and lets people in and out? Was that where you were sleeping?

23:22James Acaster: I'd like to sleep in one of those. In a little toll booth? Yeah. In a toll booth, yeah. Upright. On the arm, up and down all night, please. Sliding all the way down and then sliding back to the middle. If you worked in a toll booth, would you? Like duck down below the table and do the monkey? Yes. Thank God. Then I wouldn't have to be there. It would be laughing and apologising for everything he says. Just them. Now the monkey's come back up, I'd really like to talk about your film, actually. Tell us a little bit about Sunlight, your directorial debut. Yes, I know. It was a real pleasure to do.

23:59It's been, since I began working on that, seven years, believe it or not. I cannot believe how long it takes to make a film. But that's a love story between a man and a woman who doesn't want to come out of a monkey suit, which is me. Yes. And that really is me, I think, in the world. And so deciding that whatever you had doctored yourself as the way to present in life isn't right. Not really what you want, but you're stuck in it. And you don't make good decisions because you're not a good ambassador for yourself. and then you get a monkey and you're hidden in it and you don't have to be a woman or anything and you can just start from scratch.

24:40That was kind of the premise. And that's what I kind of did on stage. I got a monkey built by the woman who made Chewbacca and I really, really loved being in it. But it was very stuffy and I couldn't breathe, but it definitely was my happy place because I couldn't. I don't know, it was very freeing. And I did an hour of stand-up in that monkey, straight out the gate without a plan. New material, James. Yeah. Or not. Wow. Where was I?

25:04James Acaster: Not going on next to that gig. Nina, let me borrow the monkey costume for my bit as well. But I was working with Shanoa Allen of the Pajama Men and we were doing little gigs together and I was sort of falling in love with him from inside this monkey suit. And I thought, this is a weird seduction, but it might just work. You know, maybe I can pull this off. And yeah, sorry. Anyway. Do you still love him if you're not in the suit? I do very much, yeah. Oh yeah, I came out. But he has to be in the suit. He has to be in the suit. Someone's going to have the suit on. The suit just lied next to us. I really enjoyed making it.

25:42I went to New Mexico. Felt like proper American road trip movie. And yeah, I loved doing that. It was great.

25:51James Acaster: Shinoah's a little pervert. Oh yes, I remember this. Go on, please. What's this? He walked at Glasserie Festival. My girlfriend and I were in our caravan, sleeping on top of the... It's so hot. It's boiling hot. So we were sleeping on top of the bed just in our underwear. Shinoha just walked in out of nowhere. Oh, no. He got the wrong caravan. He reversed out of there. He was very, very... It was extremely British, actually, in that moment. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you immediately shout that he was a pervert? Yeah, I said, get out of here, you dead little pervert. I'll slap you, silly.

26:24James Acaster: That's Home Alone. That's Home Alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop-lubs or bread? Pop-lubs or bread, Nina Cunzi? Pop-lubs or bread? Poppadoms or bread, do you say? Yes. Just a bit. You did just a bit say that. I would like poppadoms, please. Lovely. Lovely choice. Why the poppadoms? Crispy. Thin.

26:47Sources. Fun sauces. You can have all the sauces. Take us through the fun sauces. I wasn't expecting that. Crush, it was a curveball. A little lie down. Wow. Yeah, poppadoms. I like those little poppadoms in a bag of crisps. they're not in with the crisps they are the crisps and I would have them at the Royal Shakespeare Company I was there darling and the Dirty Duck pub after the show they would sell those and I'd have them with my old friend Annie do you want those for your dream menu then from the Dirty Duck pub

27:20James Acaster: from the Dirty Duck little packet of poppadoms packet poppadoms the mini ones people have a certain idea about Shakespeare and the RSC the sort of how highfalutin the whole thing is. I think people might be surprised to hear that you're off to the dirty duck for a bag of poppadoms. It's all about sort of shagging out there, I think. Oh, yeah? It was. It was a bit like a summer camp or something. Yeah. You know? But then, I was going to really slag it off, but I was scared. What if I want to go back? But it was, I don't want to go back. Come on, slag it off. They'll listen to this. It was just so...

27:57What, do you think Shakespeare's going to hear? Shakespeare's not going to hear it. I like Shakespeare. Shakespeare would roll over in his grave if he knew how bad some of those shows were.

28:06James Acaster: There we go. Well, there we go. So you leapt over the line. You were scared of approaching a bit. There's complexity about it and there's an incredible, he's sort of got to behave there and all of this. But it's actually kind of a theme park, I think. We're doing it all the time. And maybe there have been good ones. I'm talking about a long time ago. I was there in 2000. It was a long time ago and it felt like everybody was pretending. I don't know. I just couldn't feel, I couldn't believe in any of it. But maybe I was just very sour grapes because I didn't have any lines. And I was in a very tight dress and I had to not, I had to not laugh or anything.

28:43I had to hold my hands in a clasp like that, you know, the chest bone and pretend to take an unnatural interest in what the speaking characters were saying. Was that your first puppet? Just the hands in front, not saying anything? The hands holding onto each other. Well, I would dig my nails in because I would get the giggles because it was serious and I wasn't allowed to get the giggles and you had to behave well. You got told off all the time. I got sent to the voice department and stuff. The voice department? Yeah, well, you sent to the voice department. On day one in the Swan Theatre, we walked around and we had to say, I'm wonderful.

29:16And I can't tell you how unhappy that made me. Quite rightly. And some people, these drama exercises, I think they do have their point because they get you out of yourself or something but that really that really broke me that i'm wonderful in a big voice i felt so silly yes but maybe now i actually looking back i think i was a very i hadn't bloomed at all i was a very tense person and so i would say everything was stupid because i didn't want to take the risk of looking stupid yes so actually in retrospect i go go for it then see if you can walk around the theatre saying I'm wonderful properly and sonorously, then maybe you do belong here.

29:58Can you do it now? I'm... No. I think that's one of the,

30:04James Acaster: or maybe the biggest difference between comedians and actors, is that I think to be an actor, you really have to not give a shit about looking silly and being embarrassed and just go for it. And comedians, we think everything is stupid. We don't want to do it. we feel really stupid doing that sort of stuff. And looking silly should be our job. It should be our job but actually we are very we're all very controlled and just the way that we like it we don't want to do the stuff that feels feels stupid. No we don't want to do and say someone else's lines and do all of that. I know I would find it really hard going back to acting.

30:41Even if I had to go walk over there and pick up a cup. Yeah. Wow on the way I'd be feeling like a fraud. Yeah. I've never picked up a cup before. but surely they know I'm not really going to pick up this cup

30:55James Acaster: what was the play what was the Shakespeare play I was in As You Like It and I was in Comedy of Errors and I was in a very long George Bernard Shaw play called Back to Methuselah As You Like It was the really the big challenge that was the big challenge where I was really set dressing and standing in that dress it was very difficult so I got out of there that's when I went to comedy was I got out of there I became a ventriloquist shortening the time I was there. I had to do a school play once where I played a waiter who didn't have any lines because it was like a cafe in the background of the whole play.

31:26And they were like, just come out now and again and sweep the road. I'd sweat that road every 30 seconds, I'd say. As the waiter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just, you know, in charge of the cafe, I'd pop out, sweep. They were like, just do it whenever you want. But like, you know, you just sweep in the road. That road was squeaky clean by the interval.

31:45James Acaster: Should I be sweeping the road as the genie waiter? Well, maybe you should actually, yeah. I was supposed to be sweeping the road. I didn't know that was one of my duties.

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32:36James Acaster: Let's start with your dream starter. My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree. What? Tree. and you eat the pistachios off the tree because they're very different on the tree. Wow. And they're beautiful. They're pink, these lovely little pink buds. And the tree is a very beautiful tree and it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year and I was in love with this tree thinking that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was, but on that leaf app thing when it tells you what it is, and our phones do it anyway, It told me, you take a picture and then it's like Shazam's the tree.

33:19And pistachio came up. And that was so exciting. I was like, oh my God, those little pink buds are pistachios. And then you can open them and they're pink and they're sort of fruity. And they taste amazing.

33:31James Acaster: Wow. That was in Greece. I didn't know any of what you've just said existed until you just said it. I didn't know pistachio trees were a thing. I didn't know Shazam a tree. This is incredible. Wow. Yeah, it's really, really lovely. I know we always think of them as those open guys in bowls and they're salty and they're colourless. These were really pink. Are they still in shells? Are they still shells? It was a shell. You had to kind of, you bite through that with your teeth. Obviously, they're not as open. Is that when you take them off and you dry them maybe? I'm trying to remember. I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting it open.

34:08You bit it open. It's a bit lazy.

34:09James Acaster: Your dentist would tear you off for that. Yeah, it works. Did your dentist listen to this podcast? I haven't been in a while. Mine does. Obviously. What you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast, he lives in an animated world, in a small village, like in a sort of Fireman Sam world. Oh, lovely, yes. Where he knows his dentist. He knows his dentist with his full name. You know the dentist's full name? Yeah, yeah. And how long have you been going to this dentist? Quite a while, since 2018, I'd say. You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because that is when I moved to that flat and then I just carried on going to...

34:45James Acaster: Even when I moved out, I carried on seeing the same dentist. And seven years that you've been seeing this dentist, have you seen him more than once a year? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist and then I'll see them in the corridor. My dentist, I go, oh, just seeing the hygienist. He'll say, I listened to that episode the other day and then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode? Oh, no. Did I speak loads about sweets again? Is he going to... I mean, probably in the bad books. James is very obsessive about things like that.

35:14That's amazing. James goes to the dentist every day to have his teeth brushed. Yeah.

35:20James Acaster: Me again. Because you're a ventriloquist when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth. I can. I can. Yeah, I can still talk. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while. Do you do them saying what great teeth you have? Yeah. Oh, Nina, your teeth are so perfect. You don't need to come back for five years. Yeah, it's the very back of your mouth. You're using the back of your tongue and the soft palate to form substitute lips at the back. Oh, wow. And that's where you do plosives. Now that we're at plosive, it's written all over the wall behind you. That's how you form plosives.

36:02Oh, wow. Humping the back of the tongue into the soft palate. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth, so that can be open and things can be in and you can still say Peter Piper and all that if you want to. Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips. No? No. I don't know, just when something just scratches the wrong itch. Yes.

36:22James Acaster: It doesn't sound nice. Yeah, yeah, it sounds pretty horrible. As well as, what have you said, humping your tongue against the back of your palate. Humping's nasty. Substitute lips is nasty. I've lowered the tone. but I would if I was you I'd be talking all the time during the dentist I'd absolutely love it especially last time I was there like when I went in it's the hygienist and the assistant just said hello to me no small talk beforehand as soon as they're in my mouth they start saying to each other so who do you think is going to win traitors and I was like are you fucking kidding me I can't get it I was having to like put my like one of them said to be fair to her she said the person who did end up winning but I disagreed at the time I put my hand in the air and I wag my finger.

37:07James Acaster: While they were in my mouth. And they were like, you don't agree? I was like... But you left the dentist to stay off with your loyalty card. Yeah, yeah. I'd take that one. I'm there every morning. A pistachio tree sounds amazing. We haven't had this. Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant? We say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you. Yes, if it can be spread along a bit. Oh yeah, no, no. I don't mean growing in real time. Okay. yeah it's quite a long start it's actually most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time yes a very long time I'd say most of the meal yeah we don't know what the rest of it is yeah could be stuff that takes even longer yeah yes they can roll it out roll it out with this big clump of earth how big is it I think it's on a par with I've tried to think of another tree own tree maybe it's about the size of a football goal.

38:07A football goal? Thanks for speaking our language. You took one look at us and you went, we're going to have to make this about football for these lads. Hang on a minute. I think the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree. On our shoulders? You're the trunk on your shoulders and we reach our hands out. We've got about the size.

38:30James Acaster: And we should do that one day. We'll do that one day. And we're like acrobats on Ed's shoulders, all coming out at different angles. Yeah, and with our fingers splayed and everything, extremities out, and each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts.

38:49James Acaster: Your dream main course? My dream main course, gosh, this is a dream. I should have dreamt bigger because this is something that I can have any time. but my dad makes a spaghetti pomodoro which is very nice with fresh tomatoes and it comes from his father it's Italy it's my Italian connection which I've tried to make the most of I never met anyone Italian in my family they all died but this is a connection this dish and I made a video of him making it with the monkey and he put up with it very sweetly and made the whole spaghetti with the monkey being facetious. So it's that. And you don't put the garlic in it.

39:36You don't eat the garlic, but you flavour the oil with the garlic, good olive oil, fresh tomatoes, and very al dente pasta, which he has a weird thing. He doesn't use a colander. He takes a pincer thing and takes them out and sort of waggles them around a bit and then into the plate. I like that. Is that to keep some of the water? Water, yeah. It's not too drying. Yeah. This does sound absolutely delicious. That does sound good. Classic. It's quite simple. No cheese, a little bit of chili, a little bit of arrabbiata, a little bit angry, that means, if you want a little bit angry. Is that what that means?

40:11I don't think I ever knew what that means. Is that what it means? Arrabbiata. That's what he told me.

40:15James Acaster: But he's an actor as well. He could have been. I don't trust him with the acid story. Yeah, exactly. He did tell you about his scream for a year. Yeah, he screamed for a year. Yeah. That man was very Arabiato. And is this just your whole life you've had this? Your dad's been making this? I guess so, yeah. I think so. And then I went to, he told me that the tomatoes are the best. If you go to the Amalfi Coast, that's where you get the tomatoes, the most lovely. And I went there this year and had it there. And it was lovely. So maybe the man did scream for a year. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he did. maybe still screaming.

40:57Oh no.

40:57James Acaster: Oh, so you think it was a year when your dad told you? Yeah, it was only a year then. It was a year in. Yeah, it was a year in. Yeah. He hasn't unballed either. He's still terrible. Oh yeah. Terrible for your back, that. Awful for you. I mean, yeah, he's fucked. If he's still doing it, he's never getting out of that position. He's always going to be a little ball. Maybe my dad was on acid when he told me that. Yeah. That's true. It could have been. Yeah, look, that man is just over there screaming. The pasta was very weird that day. All over the place. You used a colander, that's how you knew.

41:29James Acaster: That guy must be on acid. He's tripping balls. You said that you put up with the monkey. What does your dad think of all your comedy and your shows? I think he's sort of astounded that I would be a ventriloquist. As am I. I don't know how it's happened. It's a very strange thing to say you are. It's not something I've been a fan of or anything. he's astounded and I don't know I think he's a little frightened maybe of what that monkey can say that it might be angry or maybe I'm not okay it's everything okay why is he so foul to you that sort of thing oh that's what he says yes and I don't think of the monkey as foul everybody says he's a rude monkey and everything but I don't know if he is really I think he's kind of alright seems normal to me I don't know he's the best part of myself that line from Tootsie it would be weird if the monkey was just like completely normal and agreeable though right he is as in he's not he is rude he's a cheeky monkey he's not deliberately rude it wouldn't be a show if you had a monkey puppet he was just normal and fine he's just honest He's not out to be rude.

42:52I mean, I guess my honest self might be rude, but I consider it sort of straight talking, quite yogic, quite calm. He's got a steady pulse and just says things quite honestly. Unlike me, I'm like fretting around at his side. But I don't think of him as rude. I think of him as steady.

43:10James Acaster: And what's like, I swear that there's bits in it where, like if I'm thinking about the 10-minute gold and all the hits set that you did at the Numa 2, there's plenty of lines in that where you say something and the monkey's like fires back at you with a dig yes I mean he's all the time called me a slut and a bitch some people would say that's rude some people would I can't get enough of it for some reason I don't know I think I find it honest I couldn't say that and then start saying I'm being yogic guys I'm being yogic you're but just sluts it's funny I don't know why I'll never not find it funny in calling me a slut I don't know why what does that mean that I find that so funny and then if I say don't call me that hasn't aged well you know I'll just say it again for some reason well that is funny the monkey calling you a slut is funny as long as we know it's actually you doing it as long as we know it's me doing it if that was you and Shinola and Shinola said that on stage I'd be like I got used to fucking it's a bit much yeah well that's not that's not funny that's rich coming from a perv yeah yeah that's rich coming from you Shinola you little perv but like that's part of the thing isn't it that we know it we know it's you yes but also we're not sure that you know it's you no or am I as the audience we're like does she know that's her yeah because that comment from the monkey seemed to have genuinely caught her off guard just then yeah Yeah, and it's true.

44:44And I've lent into that as much as possible. So I have let control go. I would like to encourage madness and split personality with that monkey. I try not to get in the way. I look at him and I try to have nothing to do with what comes out of his mouth. So I wonder if I've grown little separate neural pathways that are slightly different from my own over time. I hope I have. I'd love to go on a brain scan and see what happens when he's talking or when I'm talking. It would be really fun to see a different bit light up. I hope so I've been working at it for ages

45:16James Acaster: I think Severance you think it's like Severance yeah it's like Severance I think yeah he's your innie work self and you're the outie yeah and you're on stage together and you don't know that it's both you no I have to look at him as well for it to work I actually have to look at the face to properly properly engage the Severance because then it seems to talk to me and during a bad gig I look at it and it seems to look at me like this is not good Nina you've let me down he never takes responsibility for the bad no he looks at me blankly like that wasn't this, it's not okay Nina they don't like you and I'm here having to put up with this.

45:55It's quite a toxic double act really yeah just like us yeah it's true but then sometimes he's a real friend like in the Paris food gig I did where everybody's standing up and they're taking little morsels off trays and there was music playing and it was a corporate I shouldn't have done, but I thought Paris would be nice. And they weren't listening. It was just a lady on stage with a teddy trying to hold herself together. And they were all chatting and I looked at Monkey and, oh, my God, I could have hugged him. It's just like the only friend in the world. We were in it together. And I looked at him.

46:31I mean, really, I wanted to just hug him.

46:36James Acaster: This is a food podcast. Do you remember any of the food at the food gig that you did? I'm afraid I don't remember. I don't remember. I had a nap under the table before I went on feeling really bleak. It was a tough one. It was a tough one because they were all going, that's that lady who was napping under the table just now. With her puppet. Yeah. Are you kidding me? She's a crazy lady. I kicked her earlier.

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47:47James Acaster: your dream side dish oh god I haven't made these fun enough these are all real I was in New York recently we started with a pistachio tree I don't want you to worry about your menu this is fantastic we've had a lovely pistachio tree a beautiful dish that reminds you of your dad and he used to cook it and still cooks it kiss it with a monkey we've got all of these thank you We've got Shakespearean poppadoms. It's great. Okay, great. Dirty duck. Great. Well, this is Broccoli Rub. Oh, yes. R-A-A-B. And it's from Little Italy in New York. And when I was doing shows there last year, there's an Italian delicatessen, I think it's called Di Paolo.

48:25I hope it is. And it was on the corner. And you have to go there early. They're a little bit rude to you. You have to stand in a special place in the queue. You don't walk up to the counter because they don't like that. and you have to wait. They shout at you to wait and then you go, but you have to go early in the morning or the rub will be gone. Right. And it's freshly made. And so, and then you go up and you talk to them and they do explain a lot about the food. You realise it's kind of a show and that's why you had to wait your turn. You can't interrupt the show. And that was really lovely and I had that most days.

48:59That does sound delicious and I'm still not totally sure. I've seen it on TV shows. I've seen people talk about it. I don't know where to buy it. I don't know what it is, really. I don't know how to get it. It's a tiny bit bitter, yeah. And it's much thinner, stringier than broccoli. Yeah. But it's soft. It's so delicious. Yeah, a little bit bitter. Also, because I think I've only ever heard Americans say broccoli rabe. So I didn't know it was actually called broccoli rabe. I thought they were saying broccoli rabe.

49:27James Acaster: Yeah, I thought that because the first place I heard it was the American office where Andy Bernard's character has a friend called broccoli rabe. but the way he says it I thought he's saying because it's a person he's talking about yeah Broccoli Rob his name was called his name was Broccoli Rob and oh that's and because they never you never see that character it's a friend of his from college who he talks about who he was in an acapella group with and he gets mentioned a few times and you're like well I guess this is a guy called Rob who liked Broccoli or he has got big sort of puffy hair sure like Broccoli yeah he could have had puffy hair like Broccoli so like you don't know any of that and then actually when I learned it was Broccoli Rob I was like so hold on what the fuck that character's named after an entire dish?

50:01James Acaster: That was even more questions for me. Yeah, Rob sounds easier to say because Rob. You get lost in that vowel. That's a shame, isn't it? Yeah. Don't take acid and try and say Rob. You'll be saying it for a year. Eating Rob in a Saab. Saab. I don't like a double A, really. No, I agree. Lose the will to live before the end. How did they prepare this broccoli Rob? I didn't see that. I imagined it was a slow saute. Oh, saute. That's another difficult one. Sauteed Rob. Yeah, I think that it's very oily and there's a lot of garlic in it that you do eat. It was delicious. That's on the side. And I've got to ask as well, because you said these men were rude.

50:52James Acaster: The staff were rude to you. Now, earlier you said the monkey wasn't rude and we know what the monkey says. So how bad must these people have been? what were they calling you? Yeah. I think I got just shouted at quite sternly to get in the queue because I went to the counter and they didn't want me there at all. Yeah. Back in the queue. But it was, I don't know, it's Italian, it's kind of charming road, you know. It's part of the experience. It's not so bad. Yeah. I'm getting over now. It's not so bad. I like, I get a real kick out of doing things right and following the rules. So I'd be, the first time I went and I'm told off for going to the counter, I'd be gutted and I'd have to build up the bravery to go back really the courage I did it took a lot but then when I go back and do the right thing straight away I'd love it and I'd love it if someone else was there for the first time and they messed up explaining exactly what happened how do you not know this oh yeah they're gonna get it oh yeah when I first started you know doing gigs in London little boy from Ketrin I'd stand on the wrong side of the escalator get bollocked now Now, if I am about to go up the escalator and I see someone standing on the wrong side, I'm like, here we go.

52:01James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Oh, rubbing my hands together. I don't even want to walk up that side, but I'm doing it. Especially if it's a family with small kids. Yeah. Excuse me. Can you make your stupid fucking kids move out the way of this? Absolutely brilliant. And then they always move muttering. Oh, people in London are so rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you. You stand on that side of the escalator. It's written everywhere, you fucking idiot. I love it. Do you cause trouble in the public? Yeah, yeah. Do you say fuck off to people? No, no, no, no. I'm actually very nice. I'm very polite. Excuse me.

52:35James Acaster: But I think almost I do it in a way that's even worse. You have to because you're famous, though. If you weren't, do you think you would let it out a bit? No. No. No, no. I've never. I've always tried to be as nice as possible, but they can tell. They can see it in my eyes. And I'm like, oh, excuse me. They're like that guy. He thinks my kids are fucking idiots. And I'm like, yeah, I do. Fair enough. Fair cop. I do think that.

53:07James Acaster: Dream drink. I've stopped drinking for three years, but dream drink, I can have wine. I could have white wine. I could have pui fumé. Cold. Beautiful. Oh, it's been ages. I could have a chilli margarita. I could have everything again. I could get it all back I could have a tequila yes you could oh can I yeah it's been so long three years wow and I'm not going back to it because life is way better yes but you know obviously I still love it and a pint of lager with my popadon crisps oh my god yeah you know yeah I could get really hammered on my deathbed but I have to wait because I'm getting so much more done I'm sleeping well managed to make a film I would never have made that that would have been a dream dinner if I hadn't stopped drinking but now it's a real dinner that film that's huge isn't it to say you wouldn't have made the film I don't think I would you would have such long evenings without boozing them I mean the evening it's a whole work day you can do you can send all the emails and make the film happen you can fund a film if you're not getting drunk and that was I look back on that with great relief that's very motivating as well yeah that's great to hear because like yeah I mean I'm trying to stop at the minute are you?

54:32James Acaster: I've done three weeks so far oh well done but like yeah that's what I do feel better but then also like I'm definitely at that point where I'm just like I'll think of a drink that I like I'll be like oh my god yeah that tastes so good yeah it tastes so good I'm not drinking a huge amount at the moment I am having you know nights at home where I'm not drinking and the evenings are definitely longer. But I just don't do anything. It's also really easy. Just watch a bit of telly. Yeah, he loves watching telly. You're right. I panic. I get panic attacks watching telly or starting a long show that's a box set or something.

55:07Oh my God. I really feel like my life is... Oh, I love it. ...epping away. Yeah. I hung a wash up last night. I was so proud of myself. What with the TV on? No, I paused the TV, went and hung it up, put a podcast on while I did the washing. Yeah. because I was like, I'm going to hang this washer up, but I need something going on in the background. You need two things at once. I need something going on. You need something going on. So I hit play and I was like, this would be good. I'll listen to a podcast while I do this. And I'd really built up to doing this one chore. So in my head, I think I thought it was going to take maybe two, three hours.

55:36So I hit the podcast, I hung the washing up. It was two and a half minutes it took me because I paused the podcast again. That's so fast. No, that's a great tip. That's a life hack. So yeah, I had a busy night last night. Very busy. I can just about do television if I've got a jigsaw I was going to say, who am I? But I did have a jigsaw, I put a jigsaw out at Christmas and the cat shat it and they treated it like a litter box and then I didn't know, it was like there was that film with Richard Dreyfuss that one that Spielberg made ages ago.

56:09James Acaster: Oh, Close Encounters of the Third Time Close Encounters of the Third Time Why that's coming up in my head but the jigsaw had turned into these sort of pyramids. Yeah, like he sculpts with a mashed potato. And I thought, well, he's really done something there with that jigsaw, but I'm really scared to... Done a shit in it. ...to touch those pyramids. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad what he'd done. So I don't know. You have to do jigsaws very quick at my house or that will happen. Yeah. What if you looked at the shit and you realised that when he put it all together in that pyramid, he's actually done the jigsaw?

56:42James Acaster: Yeah. That would be really wonderful. He's actually put all the pieces together and made it a 3D little jigsaw. Yeah, it was amazing. But he did, yeah, he did create a landscape from it. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. That is pretty bad that that happened. What was the jigsaw of? What was the picture? The jigsaw was Moomins. The finished cartoon? Yeah, the finished cartoon. Yeah, I love that. Don't know why. I think whatever it was specifically would have made me laugh, but Moomins particularly. Yeah, that's funny. Do you like the Moomins? I didn't like them well enough, yeah. My son's girlfriend is Finnish and that's why that was there because I'd bought it for her for Christmas because she's Finnish.

57:23Oh dear me, oh dear me. That's such a mum choice. It's a mum choice, isn't it? Yeah, you're Finnish, this is the Moomins. Well, they did have a t-shirt with Moomins on it when they came back from Finland. So, you know, they'd opened the door. They are very proud of the Moomins in Finland from what I can work out. So I think it's a fair enough gift. Good.

57:43James Acaster: I've spent all of one day in Finland and I was given a Moomins mug by someone as a gift. It's okay then. Yeah. All right, good. They know. It's their royal family, the Moomins. Yeah. My cat doesn't know that. Yeah, it is. They sweep all the, you know, all the bad stuff about the Moomins under the rug and try and ignore it. You know, one of the Moomins swears he can't sweat. Yeah. One of the Moomins had the other one killed in a car crash. Yeah, yeah. That was a grizzly episode. Grizzly. I actually don't realise I don't know anything about the moomins they could are they talking creatures one of them doesn't stop talking to the press about how him and his wife have been treated and everyone's like shut up they've got a Spotify deal yeah they're like shut up guys if you don't like the limelight so much why don't you just shut up that's what people say to them it's not fair yeah your dream drink is oh is the wine is the wine is all the booze what kind of wine is it all the booze it's another horrible it's like broccoli rabe it's a hard one to say without sounding like a tosser pui fumé pui fumé it's the pui pui pui pui fumé pui fumé that's what you call a jigsaw after your cat got to it that works that does work yeah pui fumé oh Christ hello it's really some terrible ingredients so okay we'll throw in a spicy margarita as well yes please I want a chilli margarita a chilli margarita fresh chillies in it yeah beautiful and coriander in it yeah oh nice lovely and also a pint of lager with your bag of crisps from the dirty duck yes bag of poppadom crisps and espresso martini I mean there are so many good drinks yeah there are you know what the more drinks you list the more impressive it is that you haven't drunk for three years yeah it's very impressive there were so many lovely ones yeah I know I have zero beer now I have zero beer after the show because it sort of helps a little bit Is there a good one?

59:43James Acaster: Have you found a good one yet? Yeah, what's your fave? The Heineken one's good This is what everyone says I think it's alright as well Everyone says the Heineken one's the best Yes If it's really cold and someone's put it in a glass and you sip it you can sometimes go oh god, was that real? You just had to wipe your mouth then You sounded like worried as well You sort of went oh god, is that real? So you want to trick yourself Yeah, yeah Oh, I've broken it Do you have nightmares about breaking your three year stint? Yes Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'd actually killed someone. I woke up and I killed someone.

1:00:14I was like, this is so much work to cover this up. And then it was because I was drunk and I'd let it happen or I'd deliberately done it. Yeah, and that's such a joy to wake up from that and go, oh, I don't have to. It's the best.

1:00:29James Acaster: Just to be clear, your main worry when you had killed someone was that it would be a lot of work to cover it up. Big trouble. And that you'd broken your three-year stint. it wasn't oh my fucking god I've killed someone well the person that I'd killed was dangerous

1:00:48who was it? a dangerous person I can't tell I can't remember who it was but they were malevolent and it had to be done but not everyone knew how malevolent they were and it was a big it can't be a big thing these are the traces I have of it in my mind I've been trying to remember my dreams more since David Lynch died um because the thread is he was into transcendental meditation and all of that so I had a little bit of a go at that yeah and there's a there's another region where it gets a little bit dreamy and you can start to actually tap into remember and I have been remembering my dreams a lot more since then that's pretty cool and I did some meditating on the way here and the taxi driver had the radio on and it was so noisy and irritating and infiltrating that I put my headphones in and put some strong Tibetan music humming sonorous notes in I came in here and it was still going in my pocket and James said what's what's playing on

1:01:51James Acaster: your phone there we go I didn't want to divulge no I can't and I was like what's that on your phone no i don't want to divulge that i've been transcendental meditating yet i'm too new to it and it sounds too weird but it's david lynch's fault i've been on a deep david lynch dive for the last couple weeks have you done the paid bit at the beginning uh no i did the introductory course and actually the woman was like 20 minutes late and and not very apologetic and then she went up to the desk and said, has there been a delivery for me? And is the photocopier working? Is the facts working? And I thought this is not, this doesn't bode well for reaching enlightenment.

1:02:38You've got to be mindful throughout all of that. I know, I did think she's, obviously she's very chill. She's not in any rush.

1:02:45James Acaster: Your favourite David Lynch film before we... Eraser Head is amazing. I love that one. The puppet in that is amazing. Have you seen that? Ducky, ducky.

1:03:01James Acaster: We arrive at your dream dessert. Yes. I'll lower the tone here. I was just thinking what would be fun. And back in the 1980s when sugar was just, I don't know, everyone having it was a great fine thing to have. A pile of sugar on a Weetabix. So it's like a snowy mountain with the milk on it. That'd be a dessert. Amazing. That's fair enough. I love stuff. I used to do that as well. That's very nostalgic. A pile of sugar. Yeah. I used to go. Yeah, it has to be a heap so you can see it. Bananas as well. No, that's nowadays. Nowadays, I'm a goddamn grown-up and I put slice-ups and bananas on my Weetabix.

1:03:44James Acaster: But back then, I was just heaping on that sugar. Is it something you actually do now, but you know your dentist is listening? Please. how high is this pile of sugar I want to I think it's about as high as you know your thumb that kind of height it's like a yeah well okay I didn't do that yeah but like that that's impressive as high as my thumb or James' thumb because James got a really long thumb no not up the way across the way you lie your thumb laterally along the oh just oh just the oh okay not as long as your thumb as wide as your thumb when you add the milk it's going to pour away so maybe a little bit more so it ends up about this.

1:04:24James Acaster: Yeah, I can relate to that. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is, it's funny. I've been measuring things. My metrics are weird today. With a pistachio nut tree. Yeah, you're mainly measuring stuff by like bits of our bodies. But what we have here. Yeah, yeah, look at us and go in. Yeah. So how many wheat a bix? One, actually. Whoa. Whoa. Fancy. Are we in a Michelin-starred restaurant? I'll tell you why. Because my bowl is a little bit small in this dream. and there isn't room for two lying flat. One would be upright and you wouldn't get the sugar even. Yeah. So we've got to have just one. But you could have another one afterwards.

1:05:01So you want the sugar on the flat side? If it wasn't enough. Sorry?

1:05:03James Acaster: You want the sugar on the flat side? I want it flat. I used to line them up for, you know, like whatever. Like toasts in the toaster? Like toast in the toaster. I'd get about four and then I'd put the sugar on top of those. On the side? On the sides? On the sides of them. On the, huh? Yeah, on the sides of them. Yeah. Which all lined up to make one surface now. But then you're only getting the sugar on a little bit, right? So you're not... Yeah. I agree with Nina that you need to get as much surface area of the sugar as possible, right? So it would be the flat. I guess, I mean, you know, I'm learning it.

1:05:34We're all learning. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I've never done it like that. I like that in your dream the bowl is small and you're not willing to change that. So it has to be one. Sorry, that's how it comes. That's how it comes. otherwise it's a white bowl a two-wheat-a-bix white bowl is one of those kind of

1:05:52James Acaster: like a lasagna dish yeah we're getting into that we don't want to get into that much milk in there munch milk enough milk there'll be a little bit what body part will this do an ears side on ears worth of milk on the bottom of the mine or James has got quite small ears I guess they're the same thickness aren't they yeah yeah same thickness that's why yours looks so weird yeah such gross metrics I'm sorry what sort of milk I think it'll be whole I've gone oat recently but it's got to be whole milk for that in the 80s well you're already shit face you may as well have whole milk at this point right yes got your espresso martini with this what's the milkiest cocktail there is Oh, it could be a pina colada.

1:06:47White Russian. Mudslide. Mudslide Weetabix. Mudslide Weetabix sounds amazing.

1:06:55James Acaster: Yeah. That was my best friend at school. A kid called Mudslide Weetabix. Don't ask him how he got that name. I just say that jigsaw never got recovered. That sounds great. I really like this. You're not warming it up in the microwave. Some people warm up their Weetabix in the microwave. I think it's sacrilegious. No, I think that's sacrilegious. It would have to be cold milk. Yeah. The Frosty. For the snow theme, is this snow-capped mountain, this Weetabix? Is this your favourite cereal as well? Is this the king of cereals, Weetabix? No, I think I would go for a sugar puff or a Frosty, if I'm allowed.

1:07:33I don't have it these days. This is like just the kids finished at the thing. I have a very mature porridge. You know, it's made with water and salt.

1:07:42James Acaster: Yeah. And the weird way my dad always ate it was with a separate bowl for the milk. And then you've got the salt porridge water in one bowl. And you take the hot porridge and you dip that into the cold milk. So that the milk's still cold around the spoon and you get hot and cold in your mouth at the same time. You would never pour the milk on the porridge. Wow. I like this. So the milk's always cold. It's always really cold. The porridge is hot. That's a good system. And it's still like all mushed up porridge. It's not like... What do you mean all mushed up? Just trying to think about what the porridge looks like.

1:08:14James Acaster: It looks like porridge. Yeah, it's actually on the kind of watery side. And it's in a bowl far away from you because you have to start with that, then the milk, so the milk doesn't have long to travel to the mouth. You see what I mean? Oh, so the porridge is furthest away. It comes on a journey. Into the cold milk. Yeah, straight in. Quick, because you've got to keep those temperatures separate. I love it. Yeah. Very specific. Lined up like that. That's unusual, isn't it? What's you doing this every morning? It's unusual. There are things that he does that now I realise are unusual. There's also the way he makes toast and flaps it with long arms, like he's bringing a plane in.

1:08:52And that's because you have to cool it down or the butter will melt onto the toast. He doesn't want the butter to melt? No. No, there's very specific temperatures. But I've inherited these things now because I think that's how it's done. So you do that with the toast? I do. I flap my toast about it. When was the first time you realised that toast flapping wasn't normal? I think I just one day looked at him and thought, you look like you're flying and that's really unusual. Yeah. I don't know, maybe I was about 35.

1:09:23James Acaster: Okay, I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water, painfully sparkling water. You would like a packet of Poppadom crisps from the Dirty Duck Pub with a pint of lager. Start, you want a pistachio nut tree. main course your dad's spaghetti pomodoro side dish of broccoli rabe from De Paolo's in New York for a drink you would like now I knew as we were saying this earlier you're not going to remember how to say this James puili puili you know you want to say the L's man pui pui if you may white wine you also want a chilli margarita at some point and an espresso martini at some point dessert a pile of sugar on a single flat Weetabix with an ear's thickness of milk and maybe a mudslide on the side beautiful I love it that was a delicious menu thank you I'm so glad you liked it I think it's I think it's very nice great I want some spaghetti pomodoro now I want some Weetabix no spaghetti's great without anything on it spaghetti's great even like just hard spaghetti would you eat that?

1:10:34I would I'd give it a go

1:10:37James Acaster: you can't do that yeah yeah there's some people who do it I put one in my ear once what? oh no yeah a hard one yeah yeah yeah touch my own brain ah you didn't touch your own brain I swear down I touched my brain you didn't touch your own brain I swear down I planted seeds up my nose when I was a kid you planted seeds up your nose yeah and it was such a bad idea it was too and I couldn't get them out and then it just like thank god they didn't grow because they might have that might be the right environment for them pistachio tree yeah you were trying to grow seeds that was the aim what was the aim it was very I hadn't thought it through you stuffed them up there wanting to plant them I thought that might grow up there do you remember what they were what you were growing they were tiny and I think they came out of a poppy poppy seeds yeah imagine if that on Remembrance Sunday just pulled a poppy out your nose that would be the new standard then yeah every year people would go why aren't you growing a poppy out your nose yeah if you don't pull a poppy out your nose I don't care about the fallen.

1:11:37Nina, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you, Nina. Thank you for having me. Thank you.

1:11:46There we are, James. What a great menu.

1:11:48James Acaster: I love the menu. I love the tree. I really want to try those pistachios now. It sounds like another world. A completely different thing. Try the tree. I'm not going to try the tree. What? Take a bite out of the tree? What? No, you take the nut off the tree, right? You take the nut off the tree, put the nerd in your mouth talking of nuts yeah they weren't monkey nuts luckily we were skating on thin ice there yeah we were but they weren't monkey nuts so it's okay yes we didn't kick Nina out of the restaurant but like but yeah there were some pistachio nuts in early doors yes that could have been out during the starter which I wouldn't have liked that I wouldn't have felt good about it although then we could have switched it up monkey could have come on do you know what we could have done yeah like there's nothing that says we can't do that yes that would have been good I really wish we kicked her out yeah too late that would have been funny but it was funny as it was let's face it I had a good time very very good episode go and see Nina on tour whose face is it anyway yeah it's been extended into the autumn go and check out the dates at Nina on tour dot com and get yourself a ticket for shows near you yeah for shows near you uh Ed do you have anything to say I know that it's been a tough week but it but it's been fucking up he's been fucking up all week he's fucked up a lot this week it's a real shame He was supposed to send us sunlight, the film, that Nina's made.

1:13:07He fucked that up. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next time. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

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