Nish Kumar (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

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1:26It's the Off Menu Podcast bonus live Royal Albert Hall episode, James. Bonus. It's a bonus. It's the final Royal Albert Hall show. It's the final one. I mean, we thought it would never end. the longest stretch in history that anyone's ever done at the Royal Ball Hall, I think. But, you know, it was a pleasure to go on that journey with you, Ed. Yes, you too, mate. And our final guest, of course, was Nish Kumar. Nish Kumar. A Nish called Wanda. A Nish called Wanda, of course. Look, a fan favourite returning, getting the menu of another fan favourite, aka a tasting menu. Yes. And on the, you know, the naughtiest boy, I guess.

2:04The cheekiest. You don't want to start with Nish. You kind of, It's last day of school vibes, isn't it, when Nish comes in? So, like, you know, we knew that that was the energy he'd bring. Yes. Sometimes we might refer to the first half in one that makes sense. Sometimes we might refer to stuff that happened before the first half, just in our lives. Yeah. Nish is a very naughty boy. This is audio. So just for those of you listening, Nish was wearing a propeller hat and he had a pea shooter with him. Yes. And little shorts that only just went below his willy. and knobbly knees and very naughty.

2:42So gross, the word willy. I hate the word willy. It's awful. I'd say that would end any romantic, what would the word be? Sex. I was ever happy with anyone would be if they said, now show me that willy. Yeah. Also, for me, willy can only be used for soft. yeah definitely yeah yeah I would not I wouldn't want to hear it I wouldn't want to hear it anyway but anyway but like yeah it doesn't work for it wouldn't make me feel like a sexy guy no look at that willy I'd be like yeah you may as well call it I spent hours getting this hard I spent hours on this I spent hours getting as hard as a rock I've got up early I didn't try to get it hard for ages you say it's still a willy That's what we call it, a dinkle at this point Call it my little Little pee-pee Anyway, this is Nish Kumar at the Royal Albert Hall Yep

3:53It's Off Menu Live, baby! Second half, we're going to bring in Our special guest, very excited Ed, kick the second half off Like only you can Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast and tonight for one night only it's a Morrison's Make Your Own Podcast bar. Taking the mango, so sorry, of conversation, adding to it a bowl of flour, of humour, and then pouring it all on top of the chode in the hole of conversation. It's the Off Menu Podcast Tasting Menu!

4:33that is it Gamble my name is James Acastle together we own a dream restaurant every single week we invite the guests and ask them their favourite ever start and make us dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week on the tasting menu please welcome Mitch Cooper

5:04What have you made? What's this t-shirt that you've made? I've made my own t-shirt. I decided to make a special t-shirt to commemorate the day, but I wanted to make it like off-brand merch, like you see outside concerts. where people are selling them off tarpaulins. And so you can't be sued. It's all slightly changed. So it's off-the-menu live. We can put it on the big screen, Nish. We've popped it on. It says egg hamble and ham's alabaster with nosh. And we're performing at the Prince Andrew Walk.

5:47Shout out to Prince Andrew. up there in the big jail in the sky.

5:55He's not a prince. Good point, thank you. Not the biggest problem with him.

6:02Not a prince, I think you'll find. And I've got a photo of the three of us where I'm doing an impression of James writing on his hand. And I've got a moustache. And you've got a moustache. And not as a joke, as we found out. It's a very nice t-shirt Amy Annette designed it for me Yes Shout out Amy Annette Shout out to women How about that The creepiest thing you've ever done Shout out to women Can I just say before we start Shout out to women Guys can we just give a bit of a shout out to the women For me every day is International Women's Day I call this podcast Off Women You

6:48so we're off women yeah i didn't think it through jimmy back okay by the way we found out we should have known when i was on stage uh and read out daniel billage uh the name daniel billage and there was one squawk from the back of the albert hall that was niche billage i'm sorry to tell you your name is fucking stupid it's a man called Daniel Billidge and Ed really hit the sound and I'm afraid to say it really made me giggle and there were some people sat around Nish who were apparently quite annoyed by the squawk he did but they're fine now because he's on the stage now for the next he's not sat next to you anymore he's literally the rest of the show yeah if you thought I was too loud when I didn't have a microphone that was going through the PA system you're shit out of luck cunts but shout out to women shout out to women shout out to women c-bombs left and right shout out to all the women

7:56well we've started fantastically yes it's a good start from you nish uh and james we need to start properly now because you're a genie i need to get in the lamp i need to do my proper beginning oh Oh, yeah, okay, here we go. It's a bit undignified. It's a big enough venue that when I do this, most people can still see me. It's not very impressive from this angle. Although it's a deep squat, Jimmy. Yeah, you've got a deep squat. I don't enjoy every night. There's always someone in this section who will wave at me, and it's horrible. Every time someone does it, it's horrible. So it's just one place going, hello.

8:31Look at these absolute virgins. Nish, you're wearing a homemade off-menu T-shirt. He is right, though. Our audience are absolute virgins. We spoke to that guy over there who's not a fan. He's the only person who's got a photo of his own kids on his phone. He's the only one who's had sex. Now, Nish, it's normally beholden on the guest to get the genie out of the lamp. It's your choice. Oh, am I rubbing the lamp? That's how you want to get the genie out, sure. That's the only way to get the genie out, is to wank off a lamp. Oh, no, don't wank it off, mate. Okay.

9:16Welcome this two more to the street restaurant. We've been expecting you back for some time.

9:24Oh, my God. I really want to see you actually find the magic lamp now, because you're the only person who would run away from the genie. You ran so far from the genie. I got really scared of the genie. Yeah. Also, you had your tongue out while you were wanking the lamp off, which gave me an insight I did not want.

9:46Shout out to women. That would be a funny scene in a... If my dad wrote a porno. If someone was wanking someone off, and then when they jizz, they'd run away from it. I just realised that this show finally has something in common with Aladdin in that it started with a brown man rubbing a lamp and being scared by a big loud genie I mean we didn't think we'd fold that into the format from day one

10:18Nish we're going to give you someone else's menu today fantastic do you like when you don't choose the food and you just can give it up to chance well sometimes let's be honest a lot of the time you and I hand over the ordering of food to Ed yeah like quite a lot of the time when we go out for dinners I get we get a lot of me and Amy get a lot of free shit every time we go out for dinner with these two no offence cunts none taken none taken we really feel like Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas you know where she's getting like led into the Copacabana by Ray Liotta because we We come in and immediately five people are like, oh, thank you for coming.

11:00Poppadoms or water. Like, they come straight out. Nish is a big fan of this podcast, by the way. I love the off the menu. And then we get loads of free food and stuff. And often, very often, you will order for us. I did the other day, certainly, at my birthday lunch. I had the menu thrust in my direction. And what will happen is you say, just order what you want, Ed. We trust you. And then while I'm going through it, every two seconds, James will go, I've got my eye on this. And I'll go, actually, that sounds nice, I'd like that. And then I'll chime in with a few things. It's really like herding cats for Edward Gamble when he asked to order for us.

11:35That was a good meal. A lot of meat. A lot of meat, and then there were a couple of gifts from the kitchen. That's it, there's always gifts from the kitchen. You people can't even believe what our lives are like. It's actually, you can't believe what my life is like, because I actually don't do anything to contribute to this podcast beyond occasionally slagging it off in interviews. But sometimes, you know, Nish does Pod Save the UK, his podcast. So great podcast. So when we go to the Houses of Parliament with Nish, we'll occasionally, we'll get some gifted long reads. They'll come over there, we'll go, a guardian from the back?

12:13From the kitchen. When we went for Ed's meal, my partner and I were the first people to arrive, and they said, oh, yes, we've got your table. Ed's been here for ages. Ed was outside an hour ago, just walking up and down the street all morning, Ed Gamble has. And Ed turned up and went, you've been here all morning. He went, no. I've only just got here. Yeah, I don't know who that was. I've got a doppelganger walking around outside the Quality Chop house. Yeah, man. But I like that when she said Ed's been here all morning walking up and down, you thought Ed would do that. Ed would scope it out an hour early.

12:53He doesn't want to be late. he wants to make sure he definitely gets his chops. So he's come down, he's walking up down the street all morning, thinking, I hope we get it. Instead of somebody who looked like you and they were like, oh no, get the table ready. Ed Gamble's here. Nish, it's been ages since you've been on this podcast. It's been fucking, it's been, let's not be crass, millions of pounds ago for both of you.

13:17When you started this podcast, Hello Fresh was just a man called John Fresh who used to run around handing out dinners to people in their house. Just the ingredients. Fucking hell, John's been over again, just strolling out of chilies through the window. Damn it, Johnny Fresh. This avocado doesn't go with this Yorkie bar at all. And now look at you. Absolutely loaded. When you came on the podcast, Nish, you did your Christmas menu. I did indeed. And you did a whole Christmas menu. We've since changed the Christmas format, so it's people's dream menus, and they just talk about their Christmas in the middle.

13:51So you've only ever done a Christmas, you've never done a proper episode of Off Menu with your dream meal and here you are on another twist on the format and you still don't get to do your proper dream menu. That's because they know that you can't handle my dream meal. That's because they know my dream meal would blow people's minds out of their ear holes. Yeah, I mean... The last time you did it, it was on stage at the Royal Festival Hall and you came on and we mainly talked about how you once farted in a pie shop. Yeah, but you say that like I introduced the subject. I walked on, sat down, and he went, you farted in a pie shop one time.

14:29I think you introduced the subject when you farted in a pie shop. Listen, that was very much the opening salvo to that conversation. Yeah, I didn't pluck it out of thin air. I'm putting that disgust in there. And we discovered, it was a Royal Festival Hall around Christmas, it was an absolute mess, it was carnage. I was talking about Nish's farts for most of the evening and we came off going, man, that was such a mess. But hey, it was fun. It was fun for us, but I wouldn't want to be in the audience. That was an absolute mess. And then someone went, guess who was there tonight? Tina Fey. What?

15:03Oh, no. Just all of our hero. Just a total hero. Never met her in the audience watching Nish talk about his fucking guffs. None of us have made the cut for SNL UK. I didn't get the call for that. No. How about these three guys? They will talk about guffs every week. I can't have a nickname to Faye now because I'd have to open with, you saw me on stage talking about my friend's guffs and also I did 30 Rock on Mastermind. Yeah, instant restraining order. Yeah. Whose menu are you hoping for, Nish? I'm sort of, listen, I've listened to all of the tasting menu episodes. So I'm aware that this is going to go one of two ways.

15:45this is either a menu that you think that I will enjoy and that you're excited to. I understand that my menu was given to Tim Key yesterday. Yes. And I thought when I heard that that Tim Key would have enjoyed the kebabs that I talked about and Tim Key would sort of broadly have enjoyed the Christmas meats. So that's one possibility. The other possibility is that you give me an absolute nightmare of a menu and this isn't having dinner in the dream restaurant so much as it is having dinner at Guantanamo Bay, which mercifully you don't have to change the fucking orange colour scheme for. That's what we've always been going for is Guantanamo orange.

16:23So I'm either in for an evening of stimulating conversation or you're about to describe one of the most disgusting meals of all time. Nick Muhammad's dinner was a fucking disgrace. It was an absolute... I thought Bridget Christie was going to punch one or both of you. Or it could be someone that you've got a personal connection to. This is another way of working it. So we had Nicola Coughlin on the other night, who was doing Siobhan McSweeney's menu, and obviously they've worked together a lot. I'll say there's one name that does bring to mind vis-a-vis me having a personal connection with them.

16:53Okay, don't want to say who that is? Well, Amy Annette would be the obvious one. My life partner in T-shirt design. Very shout-out. Shout-out to a woman. Very close. Tonight, Nish, we'll be giving you the off-menu menu of Cricket!

17:20literally the only face he's ever made at niche also where i'm seated in relation to the position of the screens is accurate to our height difference oh yeah that's not a picture greg's back there that's a little window yeah this is this is one of the few pictures where it's actually smaller than the real life man fucking hell greg davis's menu again another very early episode of off menu yeah i imagine this menu is going to be fucking disgusting so you don't know anything about it i've i heard it when it was released but i can't remember the specifics of it okay well don't try and guess them because we'll be going through it right now and let me tell you this menu made me fucking livid you're probably not going to be as angry as Ed is just reliving this.

18:09Yeah, I'm so annoyed already. All I remember is you being genuinely angry about it. Yeah, so angry and he knew it was going to make me angry but it was still genuinely what he wanted on his dream menu.

18:22He's responsible for, I would say, one of the key food slash drink phrases that I use most regularly because listen, Ed and I what we enjoy doing is using phrases that will upset and annoy Ed's wife. Yes. We love to do this. Shout out to women. Shout out to women.

18:45Yeah. There's a reason that when I said to my wife today, oh, Nisha's on an off-menu tonight, the Royal Albert Hall, are you coming? She went, no.

18:56We were on our way to a wedding, and when we were on our way to the wedding, I thought it would be really funny to say to Ed that we would have some sort of alcoholic drink when we got there. And the way that I said it was, Ed, we'll have a few settlers when we arrive. Few settlers. Few settlers. She fucking hated settlers. The only thing she hated more than settlers was when we went to our Josh Widdicombe's wedding in Italy, and I thought it would be really funny to translate the phrase Mamma Mia. And so we spent the entire trip, every time we ate anything, going, my mother.

19:33the problem is nish needs no encouragement to repeat the same thing over and over again if he thinks it's funny but the mistake charlie my wife makes all the time is she gets annoyed with it straight away and you can see nish go terminator mode he's like here we fucking go target spotted my mother should we have should we have some settlers let's have a few settlers and the other phrase which is a greg davis phrase is when you think you're gonna have a few drinks that night You just turn to your friend and go, we're going to have a look at it tonight, aren't we? My wife hates that shit. Of the Taskmaster rap, the year I did Taskmaster, I saw Greg in the afternoon, and he said, we were doing some press thing, and it was the rap party that night.

20:10And I said to him, he came to the rap party, and he was like, actually, no, mate, I've got quite a lot to do. I'm writing a TV show. And when I walked into the party, the first thing I saw was Greg at the bar, and he just turned to me and went, we'll have a little look at it tonight.

20:26And I'll be honest with you, we had too good a look at it. Yeah. Do you remember what happened when you showed up? When I showed up? James joined the wrap party, and I was... I had stared at it. Yeah. I hadn't had a look at it. I had stared at it like... You memorised it, hadn't you? Oh, I was like clockwork orange. Like, I had my eyeballs pinned open, and I was staring at it repeatedly. Yeah, you had new trainers that you'd got. Yeah, I got the Fei Wei Kung Fu trainers, and I said to James, well I actually can't remember it well you were at the top of the stairs and I was like those are nice trainers and you were like I got them and me and Joel went Shaolin Temple and then fell backwards I said to James I'm going to show you how to do some Kung Fu right now I did a flying kick that somehow managed to propel myself backwards through saloon doors in the toilet that we were in and just straight down the stairs well there he goes I've just got here.

21:24Yeah. I absolutely had a look. There's two times I've had a look at it with Greg Davis. One of the times was that time, and the other time was at your wedding. And I will say, it is ill-advised to have a look at it with a man who is twice your height and weight. That is not someone you want to go drink for drink with. Me and Greg, when we walk around, it looks like one of those videos where, like, a rhino is friends with a mouse. like it's like it's like these two people are barely the same species it's the exact height difference between Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo yeah when I arrived at that Taskmaster party your series hadn't been out yet because it was the wrap party but as soon as you did that I was like I think he comes last

22:11whatever task that was he's failed I think we're still the only two people that have been I was about to say I think one of these no offence, geeks we'll know, I think we're still the only two people. If only you were sat next to the person who hosts the visualised companion podcast I forgot about the VCP Ed, as host of the VCP, you'll be able to confirm this are we still the only two people that have been escorted off the set for a telling off? Yes, you're the only people who Greg has had to have a word with in the shadows Fair enough with you, I was being good you were messing around and like you called Greg a pussy for not being able to open a box and that's why you had to, because you were being naughty Greg had a word with Nish because he was just being quite poor at the tasks you'd done a Sudoku as one of your tasks yes, he said to me people still say to me, you're not a bad guy Nish, which is what he said to me on the offset bollocking, you're not a bad guy Nish where the bloody hell did that come from but he is like a full person taller than he's taller than you and you're tall yeah he held me upside down on that show yes he's a tall man you're the only person he's held upside down thank you thank you BCP no problem BCP shout out to the women Nish when you came on the podcast you wanted still water yes it's Greg Davies' menu today so we're going to be bringing you sparkling water the opposite It's the opposite.

23:45But it's only two options. So surely you like sparkling water. Yeah, you know what? I would say since I did the podcast, I've got a slightly more of an appreciation for sparkling water because I'm trying to drink less fizzy drinks. And so I've got these dashes. And I don't know if you've had a dash, but they are fucking horrible. Feel bad for the whooping? It's basically like someone put water into a glass that had juice in it and hasn't been properly washed. Yeah, I hate that shit. Where they're like, oh, it's flavoured like that. It's not flavoured. You put it near the fruit. You've whispered the name of the fruit into it.

24:22It's homeopathy. It's beverage-based homeopathy. It sort of has the loose memory of something that had taste that floats in it. But because I'm 40 years old, I was like, I can't be drinking all this pop. So let's pop. You're 40 years old and you're using the word pop.

24:41You're 40 years old now, Nish. You can't be drinking all this pop. I can't all be drinking all these soda pups. It was... So I've had a lot of them in the fridge, and I've sort of acquired a taste for it. I don't think I enjoy it. I think I've just, like, kind of trained my taste buds to drink it. By the way, when you were slagging off Dash, a little note came up on the screen there from Benito. He can send us messages. And he just said, we've been sent loads of Dash. There's loads in the fridge at the studio. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Dash. Yeah. Thanks to Dash.

25:13Thanks to Dash. If you can't handle the taste of real juice anymore because you're worried about your receding gums, you need Dash. Sounds like you're worried about your receding gums, so you're continuing to drink carbonated water. If you're tired of flavour, Dash might be the drink for you.

25:36Podsafe the UK is brought to you by Dash. This one, you and Greg both agreed on. Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a-dums! Pop-a-dums! Indians, Indians, Indians. Oh, nothing from the whites of the off-menu crowd, is it? Well, well, well. God damn, it is white as well. Fuck me. The stalls of this fucking room looks like a reform rally. Can I just say, Nish, 23 minutes has taken you to do that. That is the longest it's ever taken you to accuse the crowd of being racist. That is absolutely amazing. I love making things about race, race, race. Want to talk us through that song? I love making things about race, race, race.

26:25You just sung it again. We've been singing a lot backstage because we found a few songs today. And the one that Ed found online that we've become obsessed with is the song Vintage by Michael Ball. Yes. And we put it on the playlist today. We snuck it in the playlist of pre-show. so that's mainly what we've been singing and I did feel like what you sang there was a bit of a twist on vintage it had a touch of the vintage to it it's well worth looking up on your way home it's a new single from Michael Ball it's called Vintage it's about how he's old but that's not too bad he's like a fine red wine he just keeps on getting bitter really good it's just him dancing amongst I'd say there's two balloons yeah and he keeps on having to like vary up How he appears from behind him.

27:12Was it Michael Ball again? Yes, it is. Now, when Greg chose the poppadoms, he mentioned that his local curry house had the best lime pickle, and then they stopped doing it, and he was angry about it. So then, because he said it on off-menu, they bought it back, and it's Greg's lime pickle on the board. You had a similar experience when you came on the podcast, but it didn't work out very well for you. No, sorry. The exact opposite happened. I made mention of a cobbler that they served in Jackson and Rye that they had stopped serving and then we tried to bring back the cobbler and then Jackson and Rye closed.

27:54The entire restaurant shut. The chain, it was a chain, I think. Was it a chain? The entire chain shut down. It's like they saw one tweet from us going, bring back Nish's peach cobbler and they went, yeah, just shut up shop. We're not doing... They shut the entire chain of Jackson and Rye. Yeah. Went under. But I should tell you that in the sort of near, what, like eight years or something since I went on that show, people just make me, still make me cobblers. Oh, great. Yeah, and give them to me at shows. And I do eat them, even though they are almost certainly full of jizz. They'll be laced with jizz.

28:29They won't be full of it. Absolutely laced with jizz. That's what gives them the flavour. My mother. I love the jizz.

28:40I'm just saying this. It's the most arrogant you've ever been that you've assumed that if someone makes you a cobbler, they've jizzed in it. All lady jizz. Shout out to the ladies. A true ally. All ladies can jizz too. Look it up.

29:01Vintage.

29:06Okay. I love making things about jizz, jizz, jizz. It's really fun if no one, if everyone here has only seen Nish do his stand-up and not seen him like this, because the comparison is fucking wild. I do feel like, you know, if all the right-wing people who get angry at Nish's stand-up saw this kind of stuff Nish does, they'd chill out a bit and go, he's not as much of a threat as we thought he was.

29:33Don't think he is going to end this. He's just said ladies can jizz too, look it up. I think we'll be all right. Look it up. Google it. Yahoo it. Bing it. Ask Jeeves if you please. Zach Polanski sat in the back going, oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, no. This was the one guy we were relying on. I've only got enough heat on me because of the hypno-boob. I don't need this lady jizz business on top of hypno-boob.

30:06By the way, if you want to show your allegiance to the Greens, or Reforma tying all the flags to the lamppost, to show Polanski support him, tie a massive bra onto the lamppost. You support him making everyone's boobs bigger. I feel like maybe not everyone in this room knows that news story.

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31:47Nish, you wanted a lamb kebab from Owl and the Pussycat. Yeah, that's right. In the shack out the back. The shack out the back. Lester, baby. A lot of you will know Greg Davis' starter, so let's say it together. one, two, three, pass. Pass. Here's where things get interesting. What the fuck? This is where Ed stopped having a nice time. When we recorded this, pass. How can you pass on a starter? This is just, you're basically going through the scripts of what I said on the day, Nish. But what was, I can't remind me, what was his reasoning what was the rationale behind top reason to get on my fucking tits oh yeah greg yeah this feels configured to upset you no he's he just said that he thought they were pointless they were like mini mini mains they were just like mini versions of the meal but in the context of a dream restaurant where presumably like your appetite has no limit and time has no limit yeah wouldn't you just then pick a second mate why would you eschew the starter altogether why would you just say pass Honestly, I don't know, Nish, and it's making me as angry as they did on the day right now.

33:00Well, they're not as nice starters. They're not really as nice as all of the Leicester meal. Don't you fucking start. I've seen you eat an all-starter meal. Yeah. It's tapas, man.

33:13Madre mia. He went to Mexico last week. And he's literally started saying madre mia. Madre mia, the tortillas. Oh my God, the food was insane. Yeah. Oh, I don't want to be sponsored by Dash, but I'd love to be sponsored by Mexico City. Yeah. I'm sure there are a few guys with some money who could sponsor you there. Welcome to Pod Save the UK, sponsored by the cartel. No, it looked amazing, man. You sent me loads of food pictures. It was crazy, because we had all kinds of different meals. We had seven course tasting menus, and we ate from like food shacks. I think it's called a longaniza. It's like Mexican chorizo.

33:58And it was a taco. The guy, there was a snack. Listen, I am a Hindu, but I did have to let some of that go because I was having a pork taco, but there was not a huge level of, shall we say, demarcation in the preparation of the pork from the beef. So it was essentially like, it was in a plate that was designed to upset every possible religious belief. So you just got an all-meat frying pan, and they're just frying... And he put the sausage on there, fried it, and then put it on this huge wooden chopping board, and then he got this kind of sort of flat plane out with a sharp edge and just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, chopped all the way along it and put it in a taco.

34:40It was... Oh, my mother, it was delicious. It was so, so... But that's all right, a little bit of beef's okay, isn't it, now and again? Well, there wasn't any beef in it, it's just it was very much prepared. It was pork in beef juice. Not even the boss of the Hindus would mind you doing that, I reckon. No, it's fine. Now and again. I'd love to return to the boss of the Hindus at the end of this, I don't know.

35:09I'd love to hear some speculation from Ed on who he thinks said boss is. And I will be pitching as a new TV show, undercover boss of the Hindus.

35:22Once we're done with this. Sorry, James, you were saying? Oh, a little bit of beef is fine. Anyway, main course is fillet steak. Fillet steak niche for your main.

35:44Yeah, you're right to boo. Now, bearing in mind that Greg didn't know you were going to be eating this. Yeah. And so he didn't know he was inadvertently, eight years later, committing a hate crime. By trying to wham beef in a Hindu's chops. Yeah. Now, obviously, it's us who's decided to give you this. Yeah. But in our defence, we didn't check with the boss of the Hindus. Yeah.

36:10Again, we'd love to hear some names on who's on the shortlist for boss of the Hindus. From the person who came up with it, please. And I'll just watch. Who's on the shortlist for Hindu boss? There must be one, right? Yes. There must be. There must be. All the religions have a boss, right? Okay, let's go through the religions. A boss in the main light.

36:40Oh, this is great. Absolutely. When you die, there's a boss for your religion. And then when you're on earth, there's at least one person who's the boss of the religion. A vice assistant to the boss. Assistant to the boss, yeah. So who's the boss of the Christians? Who's the Chris-o boss? What, in heaven? In heaven, it's easy, right? Yeah, who is it? God. God. And who's on earth? Well, the Pope. The Christians? The Christians? The Christians, famously. The Catholics. Pope's the boss of Catholics. Yeah. Who's prod boss? Bear Grylls.

37:27Bear Grylls? Yeah. Bear Grylls is the prod boss. Yeah, he baptised Russell Brand in the Thames. That was an interesting move, vis-a-vis being a Christian. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you who I'll baptise into my family. I'll tell you who we'll welcome into the club. Russell Brandt. In he goes, into the Thames. He's definitely not panicking or anything and just deciding to convert to Christianity for any other reason that he just believes it. He just believes it. Yeah, I just believe it, okay? As far as I know, I think Prince Andrew might be next on the Bear Grooms baptism list. I think the more evil they are, the dirtier the water is they baptise them in.

38:05You know Andrew in the car, right? When he's like that. Where he looks fully dead. Yeah. I think it looks like a photo from Space Mountain

38:19that's what he's going to look like just before he's baptised I don't understand he's completely rigid in the backseat of that car it's absolutely unbelievable he looks as dead as that photo of Philip he looked like the old man but the old man was about 150 when they took that photo there was a famous photo of him in the front seat of the car where he looked like the demon dog from Ghostbusters

38:51that's my big boss no way man, I refuse to acknowledge that one not my Ghostbuster, my only Ghostbuster is Frozen Empire starring my main man Lars Pinfield fuck-a-rack-a fuck-a-rack-a to the bowels of hell That cold bastard didn't know what was going to hit him. Lars Pinfield and Kamail's character. The Firemaster. Anyway, I've really... I was inaccurately called in a review. The Firebender. What were you called in that review? The Blond Hair Nerd. There was a review of Ghostbusters Frozen Empire that looks like it was written by ChatGPT but in full 2001 meltdown, emotional meltdown mode. And it was someone, and they kept calling Kumail's character the firebender, and they referred to you only as the blonde hair nerd.

39:48And that is one of the things that you're called in my phone. I'm called a lot of things in your phone. Yep, Squirrel Nutkin. Yeah. A.K.A. the crock and roll star. Yeah. I read the Squirrel Nutkin audiobook, and I did a music project while I dressed as an alligator, and the Guardian wrote an article about it that said crock and roll. Made his day. And your job is listed as being at Tuneful Nappies? Yes, when I was a little baby, there was an article about me in the local paper because a nappy company came out with a little button that babies could put in their nappies that if it got wet it would play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and they needed a prototype baby for it and that was me.

40:36I didn't even know it was the prototype baby for tuneful nappies. Holding it up like that and smiling as a little baby. And it says, tuneful nappies. And then there's a quote from your mum that is like, this was not a good product. Yep. She says, it doesn't play a tune when it's wet, but often, because there's nothing to secure it in place, it can slip to where it's uncomfortable. I guess that's got to be up the butt. Yeah. Is there a chance you've still got a twinkle, twinkle little star button up your ass? Yeah. I don't know if we ever... My parents ever found it. That would explain... When you shit yourself as an adult, does it play a song?

41:13Yeah. Who let the dogs out? When?

41:20I'd say this show stayed on the rails longer than we all anticipated. Yeah, we've all done very well. So we'll move on from the... For the stake, I think. Why did he say, and I'll have no judgement from the waiter Because he wants it medium, cooked medium I think he would prefer well done though He just wants things like overcooked To the point of But I imagine that must have got right up your butthole Yeah it did I was playing talking to a little star all over the place when he did that No starter and well done steak Yeah it's so offensive to me I get it, I get people like what they like But I don't know why you would like that

41:59so I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums but your yums are yucks does anyone does anyone here like well done steak probably not going to admit to it after that yeah for fear that gamble comes into the audience and punches them in the head why is well done steak but as someone who's never eaten a steak yeah why is it offensively bad destroys the flavor destroys the texture it makes it like tough as an old boot you know it's just not the way you should be cooking. Because I will say, as someone who predominantly I consume is chicken, I'm very rarely looking for that rare. I'm very rarely, am I saying, I'd like that bloody.

42:36Yeah, yeah. If possible. If possible. Blue, please, chef. Ah, chicken sushi. Thank you. They do do that. In some places in Japan, you can get chicken sashimi, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. But there's like, they know where, I think it's, they go, I know where the chicken came from. I was like well that's not going to help where'd it come from it's just fish innit let's be honest the provenance of the meat so you know where it came from and who reared it and what it's been fed on and how it's been kept after it's been slaughtered I didn't mean like it's from you know teriyaki

43:18it's from teriyaki it's a wonderful chicken

43:24now this next one Ed you didn't say who the boss of the Hindus was oh fuck honestly sat here racking my brains for ages you moved on I was like great I can get away with this because the only name in my head is Apu from the Simpsons well at least that's not a controversial character you know some Indians You could have literally said, my dad. You know my dad. He's the boss. I do call my dad the boss. I worked for him on a summer, like, between, I think, university terms. And I started referring to him as the boss. And we still refer to him as the boss to this day. I call my mum Killer B, and she does not find it funny.

44:10I went to see Nisha's show. Who's the boss of the Muslims? Ah. Interesting question. Why have you gone into this? Well I think I think we have to say the boss of Buddhists None of us are qualified to answer that Who's the boss of the Buddhists? Don't ask the audience you've already described as entirely white We know who the boss of atheists is Ricky Gervais Knew it was going to be Knew it was going to be Gervais Anyway who is the boss of the Muslims? yeah suddenly that seems like quite an inviting question this episode is going to be a complicated edit for Benito Benito can you google it and put it up on the screen let us know the boss of each religion please on earth yeah the problem with a lot of the religions is because like with Islam there's Sunni and Shia with Christians there's Catholics and Protestants yeah yeah there's a lot of dissent all of these religions.

45:14A lot of flavours. There's a lot of flavours. There's a lot of flavours. You a Christian? What flavour?

45:25Abortions or not? It's a good new pop ofums or bread. It's our new podcast. All about religion. Abortions or not? Abortions or not?

45:43I'm not Archbishop of Canterbury

45:55Is this how you thought this was going to go? The audience? You Me? Yeah Sorry You forget that I once saw you kung fu kick yourself backwards down a set of stairs there's no way this has surprised me boy oh boy had i had a look at it those kids were fast as lightning okay

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47:38Side dish. Now a lot of you will remember there's a configuration for this side dish. Side dish is, get ready for this niche, mac and cheese, onion rings, a jar of pesto with a spoon, red Thai curry and creamed spinach. Arranged like a demi-clock. See, this is where he started to get me back i'll be honest with you now i will say that greg davis and i do have some real common traits i.e disgusting and so that actually sounds fucking amazing like you bear in mind you're talking to a man who like my idea of a snack is i eat a tub of hummus with a spoon yes just raw dog the chickpea me and nish lived together for a year couple of years for a decent amount of time and I'd regularly come home and Nish would be stood at the fridge.

48:27The fridge was open and he'd be eating a jar of hummus like a yoghurt. Fantastic stuff. I can't remember the last time I visited you and there isn't a scraped, clean, but not washed pot of hummus on your coffee table with the spoon still in it. So just with little rings of dried hummus around the outside. You can tell how long it's been there because hummus really changes colour over time, doesn't it? There's little crusty just lines around it. It's fantastic. Try it yourself. You'll put a hot sauce in it though, right? I liked it. I will. I'm very into, there's a brand of hot sauce called Firefire.

49:09And it's like, there's a Raja Bonnet hot sauce. I think the guy who makes them is from Brixton in South London. But it's called Raja Bonnet hot sauce. My mother. it is delicious my mother my mother hang on are you about to tell an anecdote about your mother because this is very confusing now i'm about to tell a story about my actual margarine okay okay but you're following it you're saying my mother because you enjoyed the sauce and then you're going immediately going into a story about your mother it's reminded me of an anecdote involving my mother and chili yeah we years ago when jamie's italian was still in operation i must have told you both this.

49:47We were at a Jamie's Italian. Oh yes, I have been told the Jamie's Italian story. We were at a Jamie's Italian. I can't remember why, but we were there. I mean, gotta resume for a meal.

50:01I forget why He's setting the scene, James. Anyway, my mum tried to order a pizza that was one of the hot pizzas and the waitress was like, that's really hot. And my mum went, we're Indian. couldn't eat the pizza couldn't eat the fucking pizza had to send it back because it was too hot because I imagine the waitress went in there and said blow this woman's anus off

50:32we've got another arrogant Indian in she ate the boss of the Hindus

50:40get her it's so funny uh we're indian fuck me um yeah so i've been putting rajah bonnet hot sauce into my hummus and just eating it with a spoon absolutely delicious so this selection so the jar of pesto with a spoon is something you can really get on board with and that's something i've done regularly in the past so good when i was a fat little boy at home i would regularly go to the fridge when my mom wasn't looking get a teaspoon and eat the pesto from the jar Yeah, I loved it. I love every detail that I learned about you as a kid. And I didn't know that one before. I was adding it to the law.

51:17Absolutely love it. Of course you were doing that. You find it really funny, the idea of me and Ed just being younger. You laugh every time you go past Durham on the train. Yeah, because I imagine you two at Durham University with Tom Neenan running around looking like Boggess Bunsen Bean.

51:36And jumping in the river together. Yeah. Because you did jump in the river. It really makes me laugh that you all jumped in the river. We didn't mean to jump in the river. We meant to jump in the river. We did not mean to, when we got into the river, to jump off a boat that was moored. We did not mean to immediately sink that boat. Yes. That boat was compromised beyond belief. But every photo I've seen of you guys at uni, that's really funny. It's like Ed with a thousand cigarettes in his mouth, swearing at the camera. Yeah, there is specifically a photo of Ed with loads of cigarettes just hanging out of his mouth.

52:08And Nick Muhammad's in that picture as well, because we've done a show with Nick. Nick looks, I would say, literally exactly the same. Yeah. And my hair is completely, perfectly circular. Yeah. It's just full, like, disco stew in The Simpsons. Just, like, completely a perfect circle on my head. That's the great thing about all the photos, is that often Ed will be doing something like rock and roll or something, and Nick shall always be there, just like... he's so happy to be there with his friends. So he's just like, always like peering over someone. He's never in the foreground. He's always over someone's shoulder like, what are we doing today, guys?

52:51Jumping in the river, shall they? I love it. So yeah, I love every time I'm in Durham. They were here running around once. That was funny. It was very good. Are you happy with all of this? So Greg's having all of these sites. Remind me of all of the individual... Mac and cheese, onion rings. I'm happy with both of those. Red Thai curry, creamed spinach. And, of course, the pesto with the spoon. But he's arranging them in a demi-clock, is how he described it. So he sat at the table and they're arranged in a demi-clock. And a lot of people really resonated with that. Yeah. People really liked the demi-clock idea.

53:24It's a smorgasbord. It's delicious. It's a demi-clock, Nish. Sorry, it's a demi-clock. Thank you. I do apologise. What does smorgasbord translate as, do we know? Swedish lady? Swedish lady? Huh? Same thing. Same thing. Demi clock. Right. Smorgasbord just translates as smorgasbord. It doesn't mean anything. There isn't a direct translation. These Scandies are crazy, man. I don't understand why that can be possible. It just is a smorgasbord. I guess that's why we say smorgasbord. Yeah.

54:06Looks like we found the king of the Swedes. Shout out, woman. King of the Swedes, is he? That's good. So the Thai curry, is that just Thai curry paste? Red curry paste? I don't think it's red curry paste. No, no, it's not just the paste. It's just a full red curry. Yeah, red Thai curry there. That's fucking genius, man. It's insane to me that he picked no starter and then as one of his sides has a full curry. It was doubly to annoy Ed. Yeah. Because Ed was like, any one of these could have been your starter. What the fuck is your problem? If he'd had a jar of pasta with a spoon as a starter, I would have liked that.

54:44I would have been on board with that. But no, pass on starter, and then 11 meals as the side dish. That is... It does suggest Greg would have been, frustratingly, an excellently entertaining Taskmaster contestant. Yes. If all he was trying to do was irritate the person in the chair. Yeah. Which is him. I think he wanted so he wants the demiclock so he can like have a bit of this a bit of this he can work his way round and constantly be eating all of it rather than eat one then the other then the other no that's fantastic the guy's in he deserves the money he has you wanted a Malbec when you came on the pod that's true yes I'm drinking a Malbec right now I've had two sips of it delicious that's what I imagine you were like at uni yeah what counting my sips I've had two sips of this.

55:34Hey, Nick Muhammad, I've had two sips of this. Delicious. OK, good on you, Nish. I'm thinking about learning about politics. No way, man. I was too busy being the head of the kissing club. You were the head of the debating society, which you founded. No, James, that was at school. Oh, sorry, man. Didn't know that was when you were younger and cooler. By the time I got to university, I'd discovered something much more impressive to the Cheekaz. Sketch comedy. The Cheekaz. Oh yeah, you both did sketch comedy together. Forgot about that. Pretty cool. Tell them about one of your sketches. Nope, they are all too offensive.

56:22Every single one is too offensive or shit. Many, both. You want it to Malbec? Oh yeah, I forgot we were doing off-menu. Greg Davis would like, is what you're going to have today, a strawberry milkshake with bourbon. Fucking hell, man. That guy lives like a French king. Luckily, it's never going to catch up with him.

56:50Surely you'd love that. That's up your street. A strawberry milkshake with bourbon does sound absolutely delicious. Like, it does sound, that does sound really, really good. Is that the alcohol that's normally in hard shakes? It varies. I think it goes well in a hard shake because some of it's quite sweet naturally anyway. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Just after I'd moved into my house, you came over and we decided to have Old Fashions. Do you remember? My wife got back and we'd drunk an entire bottle of bourbon. I genuinely do not remember any of that night. And you very happily just got the tube all the way home.

57:25What I discovered is the tube ride from Ed's house to my house, I'm not going to dox us by telling any of you, let's face it, stalkers, where we live. But it's the exact... I got on the tube and started playing Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, fell asleep, and I woke up as I was coming into my stop, and Rumours had completely finished. It was a perfect tube ride. I like that. There's probably at least one real, like, obsessive in here who is like, right, well, I guess I'm just riding every tube ride and listening to Rumours until I figure it out. I'll get out of every stop. Let's face it, we've got a lot of people in here who know the tube map off by heart.

58:07Oh, yeah, definitely. Our fans know the tube map off by heart. Know every word to rumours. We can figure out where you guys live. Yeah, they were strong old fashions. Very strong old fashions. Yeah, I made them, sorry. I very diligently made the first one, you know, with the sugar and the bitters. and the whiskey and I was getting the orange peel perfectly and doing the twist of orange and spritzing it with the orange and then I ran out of orange people oh let's not gloss over that, the orange people ah we're back to the boss of the Protestants

58:49anyway I ran out of orange peel and by the end of the night I was putting chunks of Satsuma peel in there

58:59now we'll just go straight on to the dessert I think Nish so you wanted the peach cobbler of course discontinued RIP forever in our hearts and actually the Idle Hands pie has changed recipes as well the banana cream pie it's better though that banana cream pie is delicious at Idle Hands Nish has shouted it out on the podcast before this is in Manchester in Manchester I'd have the banana cream pie there delicious and then one day I went in and it said brown butter banana cream pie and i was like oh you've changed it and they went yeah we were gonna do this ages ago but nish shouted it out and then we couldn't change it because he'd shouted us out so we've had to wait until we're in the clear and we can change it again and then i had one mouthful i was like well that's infinitely better i fucking hate nish for making me eat a worse pie for six months they had a banana cream pie they had artwork up in uh in the cafe and they had a banana cream pie drawing and that drawing was gifted to me by Dave and Lucy who run Idle Hands and it's now up in my kitchen.

1:00:02That was their way of saying goodbye to the old banana cream pie recipe. And every day, I go to Banana cream pie Gave the poster to Nish. Yeah, it was, the new recipe is also delicious. It's a phenomenal, all of their pies are incredible. I start getting like Pavlov's dog. I start salivating as I pull into Manchester Piccadilly Station. Gets me in trouble with the police. I don't mind telling you. But yeah, all of their pies are so delicious. And every time any of us goes, including all of our partners, any time anyone is there, we all, everyone gets a round-robin text of what the latest pies are at Idlehands.

1:00:49It's fucking great. It's great. But sometimes it can, the only time it got confusing in. It was around Christmas I went in and there was like a, you could get, buy a whole pie and my partner and I were thinking it would be great if we could get like a pie for Christmas. And I tried to there wasn't the one that I wanted so I said my partner's going to be here in about a week and she could pick up the pie if you're still around, it's still open and they went no, we won't be able to do that. And I was like okay, fine. I go away. Next day Nish texts me just come into idle hands and the owner says he's heard that you've asked for the pie and that they can't do it so should I put you in touch I was like yeah yeah yeah that'd be great I put in touch with the guy and he said when do you want it I said next week he went oh yeah I can't do that

1:01:39were you trying to get the cherry pie no I was trying to get they did a Christmas one that was kind of like a panettone like cream pie and it was so delicious I was not in control of that noise that was so involuntary just oh

1:01:57but it was good now and again I do have to remind you that this is at the Royal Albert Hall there's a moment where you guys are chatting and I was like this is just like being in Nisha's sitting room quite frankly yeah but that's the vibe that these guys love this is exactly the sort of searing hot banter that's not even half of them that's the vibe these guys love seven of them All the Gervais fans left half an hour ago, mate. What's Greg's dessert? You're going to be eating... Greg's mum's lemon suet pudding. Which I think he told us is not nice.

1:02:37How do you feel about mum's lemon suet pudding? Now, suet... Yeah. Is that fat? Yes. Yes. I'll tell you what... You would make dumplings. You would make dumplings with suet? It doesn't... It's not... It's not immediately appealing. No, I mean, suet does sound very sort of, like, Victorian. Yeah. It's very, like... But suet pudding is... Suet is the raw, hard fat of beef lamb or mutton found around the loins and kidneys. Thank you, Benito. It's much more appealing now. But it does make fantastic, like, puddings, I think. Right, OK. Yeah, my grandma used to make a bacon pudding with suet, which was, like...

1:03:15Bacon pudding? Is your grandma Heston Blumenthal? That's incredible. So what is the lemon suet pudding? Can you... Well, I'd imagine it'll be similar. It'll be quite sort of thick textured, but almost like spongy as well. It'll have that sort of rich, fatty taste to it, but with a lot of lemon in it. And a lot of sugar bubbling. I think there was a lot of talk about it, the sugar bubbling away in there. Yeah. His mum never really nailed the recipe. But he has to tell her it's nice. Yeah. One thing we know about Greg Davis, he will slag off his mum. Yes. that's the one thing we know about him in an affectionate way for sure it sounds good would you like to have you met Greg's mum no I don't think I've ever oh you get on with people's parents don't you yeah I'm a nice well brought up boy you're safe for that I think you know how you've got friends where you're like they're a mum guy but not too much of a mum guy not in a Stacey's mum has got it going on kind of way you can trust Nish to be like introduce him to anyone's parents there will be a full conversation going on I'd say that's true of all three of us.

1:04:17We're all... Absolutely not.

1:04:25Why would you not introduce James to people? I have. Yeah. And what did he do? Nothing. You're fine, but you do refuse to change your personality in front of parents. Your dad doesn't change his personality either. Very true. I mean, you two meeting is a real clash of personalities. no my parents love you James no absolutely but Nish is like my dad had a conversation with Nish once about Bob Dylan because they both like Bob Dylan and afterwards my dad was like just saying to me that was such a great conversation I had with Nish about Bob Dylan I absolutely loved it I was like oh good and then the next day we were having breakfast and my dad was like man that conversation with Nish was so good.

1:05:16Okay, I'm glad you liked the conversation with Nish. And this was like 10 years ago. Yeah. Still to this day, if I ever chat with my dad about music, we'll talk about music for a while, and then it'll stop, and then there'll be a pause, and he went, I loved it when I talked to Nish about it. What is sort of loosely devastating about that is, your dad and I have had several conversations in the ensuing decade about music, but none of them has quite hit the spot for him in the way that that Dylan chat did. It was in the flat we were living in, in the Edinburgh Fringe. But we never quite managed to hit...

1:05:51It's like heroin. Like, the first hit was so pure, and he's been chasing the dragon ever since. But no-one's reached those heights since. There's you, there's when he talked to Matthew Crosby about the Straubs, and then everyone else. hey man what about me when your dad came to see my Edinburgh show and afterwards I said did you enjoy it and he went I thought you were very leering yeah my parents didn't approve of Ed's Edinburgh show no my dad said he was leering and came across very leering and my mum was sitting next to me who's a Christian and boss of the Christians boss yeah that's better she yeah fangs of Bear Grylls and Ed had a whole bit about Jesus going like oh Jesus looks really ripped on the cross.

1:06:39And all that. And my mum was going, oh. Literally next to me, audibly going, whoa.

1:06:47And then went, like, Buddha's fat. And my mum went, ha, ha, ha.

1:06:57Really loved it. I saw Bob Dylan in this room. So did I, very briefly. No. This is... No. No, this is... No, I didn't go. Sorry. Sorry, I was lying. This is going to wind me up. This is my Greg Davies' dinner. Right. I was doing a... For a while, there was a gig that ran at the Royal Albert Hall, and they'd book you for the gig, and they'd say, oh, you're doing a gig at the Royal Albert Hall, and you'd go, fucking hell, that's amazing. I'm like, only a few years into my career, I get to do a gig at the Albert Hall. And then you arrive, and it turns out it was in the cafe. It wasn't even the cafe, it was in a function room.

1:07:29The Elgar room, just up there. And you do the gig, and in between going on and coming off or whatever, you could come into the Albert Hall and stand up there and watch whatever was on. And I came in and I just saw the top of someone's head and I didn't know what song they were singing. It was just sort of quite garbled. And then after watching it for about five minutes, the audience who were just completely shocked and silent, I just heard the words blowing in the wind. And I was like, fuck me, that's Bob Dylan. I saw him here and it was garbled and it was nonsense and it was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

1:08:06I saw him here recently. It was fucking amazing. But I did that gig in 2015 after Edinburgh. And 2015 was like my first Edinburgh that had gone... It wasn't the first one that had gone well. But it was the first one that had gone really well. And I was like, I'm feeling great. I've had a great month. And my first gig back was at the Royal Albert Hall. And I was like, fucking hell. I'm going to be like Dylan in 65. There's a very famous gig that he does here in 1965 that is the culmination of the documentary film Don't Look Back. It's a very, very famous gig. And I was like, Jesus Christ, this is amazing.

1:08:38Go in, see the Elgar room, think, well, this is not quite what I drink of. And now, I will say, this is one of the most extraordinary venues in the world, and it is a true honour for us to be here. That said, the soundproofing in some of the ancillary rooms is not optimum. And so, when you were doing the comedy gig, you could just hear the music gig, and you would just bomb. And it wasn't a bomb to silence, it was a bomb to whatever the music gig was and the night I did it it was Dave Gilmore and I've never bombed so badly in my life and had the song comfortably numb that there is no bomb like that like you tell a joke it completely bombs and then you just hear there is no pain you are receding hello is there anybody out there that was one of your lines though right?

1:09:32just not if you can hear me it was fucking I've never been heckled by the venue well what do you think of Greg Davis's menu there Nish you've had a lovely tasting menu there I think Greg Davis is a disgusting man however I am also a disgusting man and so there was quite a lot of his menu so I think he was deliberately trying to irritate you and I would say that if he was more honest about it he would have put the uh demi clock in as a starter and if he puts the demi clock in as a starter i'm on board with a lot of it obviously i'm not on board with the steak and i've never fully seen the appeal of a steak like i don't eat beef i understand i don't get it but it just when i think about meat that i enjoy it tends to be seasoned or prepared in some way it's very rarely just like a slab of flavourless chicken, apart from when we go to Nando's with James.

1:10:33But apart from the steak, I would actually say I enjoyed every element of that menu. I think the strawberry milkshake with bourbon sounds genuinely delicious. I think the demi-clock sounds delicious. I think the soup pudding sounds good. I would love for someone maybe other than his mum to cook it. By the sounds of things, she hasn't quite nailed the recipe. But apart from that, I thought the menu was fantastic. however I will not be eating the steak because I am and we can exclusively reveal this now the boss of the Hindus the boss boss of the Hindus give it up for the boss of the Hindus Nish Kumar

1:11:14guys thank you so much for coming to the final night at the Royal Albert Hall if you've come to more than one show thank you so much you've been incredible audiences thank you for coming out on a Monday goodnight

1:11:39well there we are the final Royal Abahol show done and what a guest it's Nish it's Nish can't go wrong with Nish nishqmai.co.uk of course he's on tour every favourite website Angry Humour I'm going to plug the thing that we're supposed to be plugging and then people can go to the website Angry Humour from a really nice guy is Nish's latest tour he hosts Pod Save the UK he has a YouTube special Nish Don't Kill My Vibe you can fill your days with Nish content yeah there's so much nishkillmy.co.uk thank you Nish anything else to add I mean I guess you know thanks to the Royal Albert Hall for having us on for six shows in a row that meant a lot that you lowered yourself to that yes thanks to all the staff at the Royal Albert Hall they're all amazing while we were there let's have some lovely little drinks in the bar afterwards yeah the bar's looking good guys yeah really appreciate that thank you to Ben and everyone at Plosive doing an amazing job Benito Benito and I guess also just thanks again to all of our guests who came on and everyone who came to watch the show yes The audience, you were all fantastic.

1:12:53Thanks to everyone who talked to us as well during the first halves and put up with us being rude to you. So rude, sorry. Yes. And of course, thank you to Charlie and the crew. Now, that's the whole, it's a big live team that puts up all of the, there's a whole like stage set we've got, like massive giant poppadoms and massive giant like, I think like cheesecake or whatever. Oh, huge. and it was even bigger for this Royal Albert Hall run there was like stuff in the choir section and we put all that up and then we released them in audio yes but Charlie and the crew you guys put them all up yeah really appreciate that you got to go around in a lorry yeah with our stage set because we make them after every show at the Royal Albert Hall we make them pack it all up drive around the block and then put it all back up again every time yeah thanks to Jilly thanks to Jilly of course who I mean normally I'd say tour manager but this wasn't a tour so what does that mean?

1:13:51Stage manager I guess I think so exceptional job great coffee great coffee Jilly brought in the coffees and today by the way not to take away from Jilly Benito's made us some really nice coffee just like just for doing these intros and outros that we've been recording and to begin with he didn't want to accept the compliment we told him how good the coffee was well it's difficult I think when you've made as many coffees for us as Benito has so suddenly one day about five years in for us to go oh that's nice Yeah, and he was like, this is what I make all the time. He was so angry. It's a new bag of beans, maybe it's a new bag of beans.

1:14:24Yeah. It might be a new bag of beans, maybe, but I make this for you every time, guys. And then he had a sip and went, oh, that is nice. Little sip, but he realised it was nice coffee. Yeah. You couldn't deny it. So, you know, but Jilly makes a nice cup every time. Yeah. And Jilly does many other things besides, by the way, I don't want to say that. It's not Jilly's job. The coffee is above and beyond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't need to do that. would also like, there was moments in the shows like any time that something suddenly appears out of nowhere that a guest has mentioned, that's because Gilly suddenly managed to get it, you know, delivered to the venue.

1:15:00So, everyone played a blinder, I'd say. Yes, absolutely. So that was the off-menu live shows at the Royal Albert Hall. And thank you to the snitch. Oh, come on. The snitch was there taking photos. Paul Gilby. Yeah. Snapping away, taking the photographs. You probably see him online. he's got a real talent that guy the snitch knows exactly where to be and what angle to be at to make me look disgusting and I respect that yeah yeah I mean luckily for me I'm just jumping around all the time at the Royal Albert Hall or any live show so it's just I completely sign off on whatever like I'm not going to look good I'm literally in mid-air the snitch goes in my 40s could we turn the lights down a little bit to make Ed look like a sea hag yeah that's what the snitch likes yeah thank you bye bye thank you so

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