Phil Ellis

0:00This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call? Or maybe you've been meaning to find a new dentist, but you have no idea where to start? I find that's especially true when you move. It's hard to find your people. I've been there, which is why I use ZocDoc. Now, as a busy podcaster parent and someone who's always juggling a million things, I love anything that makes life easier. And ZocDoc lets you search and compare local in-network doctors with over 250 ,000 people.

0:30providers across more than 200 specialties. You can read reviews from real patients, find a provider who feels like the right fit, see actual appointment openings, and book instantly. I recently had a last-minute health issue pop up and needed to see someone fast. Instead of calling around or sitting on hold, I found a doctor on ZocDoc and booked an appointment in just a few minutes. It made the whole process so much less stressful. Now, taking care of your health just got easier, download the ZocDoc app today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C, and book that appointment on your to-do list. Quick question.

1:05When was the last time a display ad changed your mind? Now think about the last time a friend told you about something they loved. Different feeling, right? That's how podcast advertising works. A host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words, in their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. it's part of it with a cast you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace choose the right shows the right audiences the right format then watch the data tell you it worked you're not buying impressions you're buying influence learn more by visiting a cast.com slash advertise

1:58Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, injecting the cheese of conversation into the sausage of humour, wrapping it in the bacon of the internet, deep frying it in the oil of love, and putting it in the bun of podcast. Sort of like a deep fried bacon wrapped cheese sausage bun, James. Does that sound nice? That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. every single week we invite the guests and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Phil Ellis we love Phil Ellis a wonderful comedian an agent of chaos star of Taskmaster also star of his new tour show Bath Matt Bath Matt go and see it go and get tickets go and laugh at Phil Ellis live yeah he's so funny and he's so lovely I can't wait to chat to him but of course we will kick him out because there's a secret ingredient that we've already agreed upon again this will be a very funny we've agreed upon it we've agreed upon it not Phil Phil's got no idea he doesn't know what it is no Phil's got no idea and he would be a great person to kick out it would be absolutely great to kick out it would be gutted but he'll also love it and this week the secret ingredient is lem sip lem sip is the secret ingredient it was actually suggested by a previous guest Ed Rod Gilbert Rod Gilbert Welsh comedian in a live episode suggested that we should choose lem sip and he's right it's gross it's nice I like it look forward to being ill crazy Absolutely crazy this guy but well let's hope that Phil Ellis doesn't share those sentiments because otherwise he might choose Lemon Sip and we'll have to kick him out so that would be a shame if Rod basically got Phil kicked out of the Dream Restaurant I add extra lemons to it Would you believe it it's the first episode of Series 16 I don't believe it No James doesn't believe it he can't believe he's still here Oh my god I'm on tour edgamble.co.uk for tickets Fresh Hell Yeah, go and see that show This is the off-menu menu of Phil Ellis

4:06Welcome Phil to the Dream Restaurant Yay Thanks for having me Welcome Phil Ellis to the Dream Restaurant We've been spending you for some time Yeah, well it's nice to finally make it down to the front of the queue Yes, you're at the front of the queue skip the queue because you've been on Taskmaster so that's straight in that's the golden ticket I push some really hungry people out the way people go down the queue and they're like anyone on their own is anyone on their own put you on the counter yeah I'm like no one's bothered about Strictly two years ago mate out the way season 20 mate real Phil are you saying you did Strictly two years ago no I'll just pretend I'm pushing someone out the way who are you pushing out the way I don't know I didn't watch it but I hope you're doing alright yeah yeah would you do Strictly I'd love to I'd love to see you on Strictly.

4:52Yeah, it'd be great. I think on ice would be better for me. No skates. Just get me out there. Barefoot? Barefoot, sliding around, trying to get a grip. Skinning the soles of your feet on the ice. Yeah. I've never been... Once went ice skating with my dad, and the way he taught us was he said, just walk around the edge and hold on to that rail. Yeah. That was it. Didn't build up from that. No, weirdly. No, I never took it on after that. What's your dad like? Five foot seven. He looks like when Dick Van Dyke did diagnosis murder. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like that. Yeah. He was an orphan, still is an orphan.

5:32Yeah. Don't want to adopt him at 85. You can never go back, really, can you? Not really. He's an orphan. Yeah, once you get into your 20s, that's you orphan for life. Yeah, permanent orphan. Yeah, he's a good man, you know, military man. Yeah. But yeah, he's still really fit, which is odd, like, because he holds himself. I realise if you're old, the way you look younger is you do this. You change your posture. Yeah, yeah. Just push your shoulders back. Yeah. Walk with purpose. That is good. You don't, to me, and this is not an insult, but you don't seem like you're from a military family. Do you see the shininess of those shoes?

6:09That's true. Very shiny shoes. I don't know. If you just got rid of the burns, I can see you in the army. If you're just listening to this, by the way, Phil is horribly burned. Yes. Yes, sorry. I've been very... Someone had to go and save those children. Very cavalier about it when I brought it up. You weren't going back in? I could say, like, you know, like a World War One film. Phil could be a good soldier in there. But I'd die in the first sea, wouldn't I? I'd be the guy going, Come on, everyone, you wanna die? You wanna live forever? You wanna die? You wanna die? You wanna die? Do you want to die?

6:47Do you want to die? Do you want to die? Followed by, do you want to live forever? There's only two options. I would not follow that man into battle. No way. Just going over the top. Come on everyone, you want to die? And they've corrected themselves to want to live forever. You're dead immediately. I'm like, good job none of us followed him. Because come on everyone, you want to die? It's the last thing I want to hear, with someone going over the top. would you have get back in that kitchen let's put that gun down yeah would you have played football on Christmas day in World War 1 I reckon I'd be on the subs bench yeah yeah I wrote a short film once which was that which was just it was like you had to do a thing for Skylight my fella this is Christmas so I wrote a script yeah didn't get picked up and it was just me on the subs bench not getting picked for the entire football that's good that's a good idea I thought it was good yeah that's really good and eventually the ball rolls out of play yeah and I pop it and it restarts the wall Brilliant.

7:44That's probably why it didn't get commissioned. It was that when you restart the war for a laugh. Yeah, thank you. And you scream, do you want to die? And then pop the ball. Come on, everyone, you want to die? Do you want to die? Join the army. Dush, dish. You mentioned being a cook there in the kitchen. Do you like food? Do you cook yourself? I've never cooked myself. Why are you doing it? Always working. Oh, yeah, good. I am actually cooking in this stupid leather jacket. You've got to keep it on now. actually we do know you used to post pictures of your dinners online because they were beige they were exclusively beige you only ate beige food right yeah it's quite grim actually well yeah I did it for a bit of a laugh but after a while it made me sad because yeah so I like the best meal I think I prepared was plain spaghetti and a pork chop and I didn't realise how bleak it looked oh and boiled carrots just sliced a nice bit of colour at least well yeah but it's it's still really grim it doesn't pop amongst the amongst the beige amongst the beige I mean I can't imagine that tasted good Phil no no it didn't but you know I was probably drunk yeah so this is you get drunk and you make beige food this is the the cooking show I think I've just quite bought well growing up I didn't like sauces at all I mean it's not changed since sadly but and And my mum, I think because my mum and dad had quite a hard upbringing, they didn't want to push anything on me.

9:15So when I went, I don't like that, they'd go, that's all right then, buttercup. You sit there with that piece of bread. You're our special little soldier. Do you want to die?

9:27So you don't really cook now? No, I do, but again, it's still beige. Is it still beige? Yeah, well, I roasted a chicken yesterday. Beige? Yeah, beige. Put a potato next to it. Yeah, beige. Yeah, it was slightly overcooked, so even more beige. And on the side, a beige stone. Nice little bit of grit. A beige stone. What did I have with it? Bread sauce? No, I made cheese sauce. Uh-huh. Yeah. So you're saying you don't like sauces, but there's this cheese sauce. Oh, yeah, but that doesn't count, does it? It's just runny cheese. Okay. It's just melted cheese, really. Cheese sauce. Was that on the potato?

10:04Oh, no, I kept it away. so do you not like things touching each other no yeah so I went for one of those roast dinners you know doing Yorkshire pudding yeah but they'd used the base layer it was like a sweet carrot like carrot cooked in honey right like carrot and turnip but they'd smothered the entire Yorkshire pudding and then put the roast dinner on top so I had to just leave the roast pudding the roast the Yorkshire pudding it touched all the other things it touched everything else yeah so I just spent the whole dinner just scraping carrot off every item it was horrible you have to get your napkin out to clean a pig in blanket before you eat it not a good dinner is it so you're like a fussy eater would you say or just specific yeah and I think I think I need to be pushed into something if I was if I was trying to impress someone say I look like a big Hollywood producer and they're like hey I want to come have some grits I don't know do you want to come and have dinner hey you want to come have some grits is that a meal like all the big Hollywood producers your characters man he's got a Phil, we want to sign you up.

11:06Beverly Hills Cup 12. Do you want some grits? The only test. You don't need to audition. All we want to know, how you answer this question will be very important for your future in Hollywood. Do you want some grits? A little bit of sauce on that. My wife's homemade sauce. Oh, wow. Went into Papa Lazzari there. Pasta. Fiered into Papa Lazzari. So unspecific as well. just my wife's homemade sauce so if that the Hollywood producer said you want some grits with my wife's homemade sauce I'd be like god these grits the sauce really complements the grits yeah yeah would you be able to eat them and keep it keep a straight face I think so I don't know I had have you ever had a meal prepared for you that's so bad but you don't want to be rude the worst I can't tell this because I think I mentioned it once and he got really upset alright I'll change his name and he's called Graham and he'd made me and he's a really lovely guy and he's a very good friend of mine because I've got a affiliate who'll watch this because he watches he does tend to watch podcasts and I respect you very much and he made me the worst breakfast ever once at his house and everything was raw and it was like and he'd be there he'd put a raw sausage in the thing and then he'd be like and he'd be swilling it around and I'd go alright so maybe we want to cut that bit more but no they don't really need to be cooked anyway sausages I'm like they really do like it's not That's not a thing, is it?

12:33Sausages, you don't have to cook them all the way through. I'd say sausages are one of the things you definitely need. Yeah, one of the main ones. Yeah, yeah. And the bacon, it's like you just sort of put the bacon in the pan and just sort of ran it out and then put it on the plate. It's like it didn't stop moving. And I was just watching it going, I can't eat. I don't know what to do about this. And he's such a nice guy. And he was like, don't you sit down and enjoy yourself. I've got breakfast. And he's not washed it. He's rough, fingers on the toast. The egg, again, just went near the pan, I think.

13:01just sort of went there's a pan do you want to go in there and the egg went no do you know what just pop me straight on the plate mate so I sat there with this nightmare for me because I'm weird about the food being cooked properly and then there were beans on it I was like I can't eat beans and I don't know what the fuck to do and then he just sort of sat on a chair but he'd angled it to look at me whilst I ate the breakfast as well but then he had to keep leaving the room to do stuff and I had my rucksack because I'd stayed at his so I keep taking bits when he's not in the room and putting them in my rucksack.

13:31Raw meat in your rucksack? Raw meat in my rucksack. Why? Because I thought, well, look, I'm going to go into town in a minute on my own and I'll just go to the bin at the bus stop and I'll... Put the whole rucksack in the eye. Yeah. I was thinking more like The Great Escape. Bomb disposal unit come to get rid of your rucksack because there's a raw breakfast in there. There's lots of dogs around. They're screaming, do you want to die as you put another sausage in your mouth. Do you want to die? But like, where were you putting it in the rucksack? Was there a little like pocket that you could put the whole breakfast in.

14:01There was a little side pocket. So you didn't contaminate the entire rucksack. I wasn't putting it with my fresh socks in the main one. The main compartment. But I put it with this movie script. But that's very nice of you, Phil, to do that because you didn't want to upset him. Yeah, and then it had kind of gone quite well because he kept going for a cigarette and then he was doing something else. This guy, who's this guy? He's like a character in a, like this is a video game. Yeah. And the challenge was to get it all in your rucksack. Like, constantly leaving the room for no reason. I'm just going to do this.

14:32Like, more than anyone would ever leave the room. Yeah, it's like Monkey Island or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly like Monkey Island. You'll dive for a shriek away. He's going in and out the room. I have to keep scaring a parrot. So he goes and checks out. Yeah, yeah. More beans, more beans. Fucking hell, I love Monkey Island. But I got rid of most of it. I left, like, a little bit to make it look like I was like, oh, I'm so full. I can't possibly finish that raw egg. And again, I love you so much. You're a brilliant guy. And so I went, right. And then I thought, well, I can just walk there now.

15:02And then he went, and I had my car. I was leaving my car outside his house. And he went, hey, I'll give you a lift. And I went, I can't get in his car because he's going to smell the breakfast. Smell the rural breakfast. He's going to smell all the breakfast. He's sloshing around in your bag. See all this grease. So I had to go in my boot. And I was just going to get some out of my boot. And I had to empty this uncooked breakfast into the boot of my car. What? Because I couldn't take it in his car. None of these choices are good. Why are you not using your car to drive to wherever you were going?

15:32Why don't you just drive? Because you couldn't park it in whatever city centre this was. You couldn't park in that city centre. I love you keeping it vague, even though he definitely knows who you're talking about. Yeah, and I love you so much. You're such a good person. And you've already said that on another podcast. He knows this, him. And I put it all in the boot and I managed to get it all out. But it was the middle of summer and I had to leave my car there for like three days. and I just remember as he drove away I was like I just left like I just got an uncut breakfast in the boot of my car and I had to go back and drive and it's absolutely fun It's like an experiment to see what would happen to a dog if you left it in a hot car Yeah I left the window open for the sausage Perfectly cooked breakfast Yeah To perfection Yeah It's just absolutely It's just The most delicious breakfast you've ever had Play the long game Well I can't wait to see what Phil's picked up I can't wait to hear it but we should talk about Phil's show first we should absolutely your new tour Bathmat Phil yes I'd say Bathmat but I don't want to fall out thank you for having me on the show if I went Bathmat if I went me if I went to your new show Bathmat that would be awful no you're right likewise if I went well Bathmat actually Ed Bathmat no you're right I don't know I think I got nervous I was trying to show off I was trying to show off in front of my mates Mission accomplished What am I going to do on my phone for?

16:59Yeah, Bathmat Out of everyone out of everyone who's been in this new camera setup that we've got here you're the one who's held gaze directly down the camera You're like yeah It's like you have been captured and you're just like just talking directly to the camera terrified You just got your phone out for no reason Come on, the ransom's only 12 quid They get the sharpening things Tell us about Bathmat Matt Phil well bathmat is my new tour everyone looking just look in the camera no do it look what you like Phil it's fine whatever you want to do mate it's hard when someone holds like a mirror up to you and you go what is wrong with me why do I have to do that's why that's why I hate those new doorbells I'm ringing it you alright are you in Sandra well they're good straight down straight down the barrel still looking at the door bell yeah yeah alright Keith yeah nice can you send me this we transfer this clip to me I'll put it online sorry the bath mat tour is my new tour all over the UK where's the most like you know off the beaten track place that you go into that is a good question but then am I slagging off the town if I say I think they know they're off the beaten track they'll be appreciative that you're going there because not many tour shows go there and I don't think it's an insult to say someone's off the beaten track no no you're right okay okay cool cool cool what about is Colchester off the beaten track a little bit I mean I said what's the most off the beaten track that could be the most off the beaten track I don't know you know oh god I don't know I don't know because a lot of those I tried in my last tour and I refused to go back to them yeah sure that's insulting yeah yeah oh yeah well they're horrible people yeah so if you're not going there then they know that you should be a fucking champion Only if Phil's been there before.

18:56Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's not been there before, and it's not personal, but if Phil has been to your city or town and he's not come back, it is for a reason. And that goes for us as well, by the way. Well, they know it goes for me. I tell them I'm never coming back here again on stage. Bridport know that, and that was last week.

19:15Name and shame. I live for the text from James when he's on tour. Oh, really? About the places. Yeah. I love it. And do you blame the town, all the people in the town? Do you just go, that entire town is now dead to me? No, I just go, whatever was going on in that room, I've never been a part of that again. Whatever happened, forget it. You know, sometimes I know it's me. So I don't, you know, that's not them. That was absolutely, you know, I was in a bad mood. But sometimes I'm like, no, that was definitely, that was unwinnable, I'm never going back there again. Yeah, I did one tour, the last tour I did when I was dressed as a cat.

19:52and dressed as a cat. And it was funny in Edinburgh when you couldn't see me in this skin-tight catsuit. When you're on tour and you're quite well lit with a stage, it was rank. Because it really hugged the body. And it was like the only show that people wanted a restricted view. They go, can I be behind a pillar? Oh God. But like, and I went to this one town, I won't name it, but before the gig I had a bit of time to kill so I thought, well, I'll go and get like a Pepsi or something from the shopping centre. and I had to step over a peacock in the shopping centre and I was like this is not going to go well if I have to step over a peacock before a gig how do you dress as a cat when you're stopping no not the air yeah probably peacock shitting itself are you sure it was a peacock it might have been another comedian doing a show in a different could have been could have been on their way to do the arts look at him stepping over his support act yeah don't be peacocking out there I'm the main act keep them feathers down straight to the camera I'm going to try I love it I absolutely love it can't move it Phil it's there well we always start with still the sparkling water Phil yeah still water please yeah there's no way I thought you'd go sparkling no way no way do you ever put like a little bet you should have a little book shouldn't you we should you know make it interesting for ourselves do a little sweepstake before every every guest comes on but you were dead sir still water still water tap tap or puddle puddle next to a bus stop no no don't give me a cup you just stand you stand next to a bus stop where there's like a puddle in the gutter and you just open your mouth when a bus comes along that's how you're do you want to die no no

21:46oh that was a leaf yeah straight down the capricum Straight down the canvas with the impression of spitting out a leaf and saying, that was my favourite bit. But you've got to chop that up and make a gif. Phil going, that was a leaf? Straight into the canvas. He's writing it down. He's writing it down. Make a gif of it. That should just be the episode. The shortest episode. Are you anti-sparkling water? It just doesn't pop up in your life very often. Well, it's sometimes free in a room. Free in a hotel. Not just a room. hotel room these big rooms it's all free stuff you just walk in family terrified in the corner how did you get in you step over a peacock and then you just get something from the room all these free things in this house look don't worry children he'll be gone I don't no I don't like because it never quenches my thirst I always think there should be something else going on in it like there should be some sugary you know sort of what did you used to put what's it called syrup syrup Is that syrup?

22:49Squash? No, but when you used to do... You're making them at home. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it called syrup when you were pouring? Yeah, yeah. I guess so, yeah. Put some syrup in. Yeah, that's what they do in pubs and stuff. We'll put an email at the bottom there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put Phil's email at the bottom. Put Phil's email at the bottom. Yeah, great. So, yeah, I thought you wouldn't go for sparkling because it's like la-di-da, and you're a very salt of the earth guy oh yeah I'd be like sparkly water and you can put them ballet shoes down as well you know son of mine you'll get back in that call centre like my dad before me and my granddad you would be great yeah Billy Elliot's dad yeah what was his Billy Elliot's dad trying to squash his dream yeah yeah you're a good dream dream squasher yeah yeah I would try no I think I'd be very my parents encouraged me and look at how that turned out.

23:48I'd probably be doing him a favour. If you were Billy Elliot's dad, what would you, like if it was your real life, you're not just playing it in a film that someone's offered you if you eat some grits. But like, if you're like, if this is like real, what are you doing? How are you conducting yourself? First of all, I'll never wear a shirt. Just braces on bare skin. Yeah, yeah. Boots, just in case the factory reopens. Yeah. You never know. Or someone needs a bit of coal digging up. Always be carrying a shovel. Yeah. Not like a massive one, but just one that, you know, I can go, I can crack on for a bit, but I'll have to go home and get me a big one.

24:25I'm always ready for work. And I'd probably be drunk all the time. Yeah, yeah. I think so. That's how I'd carry myself. But I'd have a heart of gold and at the very end, when my son does do it and I see him ballet dancing on the wall, like, I will go, oh, would it go just that way? Yeah. Now get back to you, Aubrey. What did I say about ballet? So, yeah. Yeah, so in your version of it, he would not be allowed to do ballet at the end. So still at the end of the film, he's not allowed to do it. No, but then we'd cut forward 20 years later and he'd have like five kids and a wife and he'd go, do you know what, Dad?

24:59You were right. I'm so much happier. Look at all my other ballet friends and they're all like outside and waiting for a bus to drive past a puddle. Yeah. All the mouths open. That's the version of Billy Elliot I want to see. Yeah. Where he never does ballet. And the dad was right. Yeah, the dad was right. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I assume he does. I assume it comes all right. None of us have seen Billy Elliot. No. No, I just watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels on repeat. Seems like a big film that we should have watched. Yeah, but I think we get it. Yeah, yeah. Not Billy Elliot.

25:32Yeah, yeah, I get that. Yeah, you get it. I've seen the bit when he's dancing down the street. Yeah, I get it from the trailer. Yeah. There's loads of films like that where you're like, I get it. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah. I already agree. Huh? Vera Drake. I get it. Vera Drake. I don't want to say the trailer, mate. No, Blake. Pop-a-dubs or bread? Pop-a-dubs or bread, Phil Ellis? Pop-a-dubs or bread? I need to blow my nose. Am I allowed to do that? I thought you were getting your phone out for your nose again. You know where you've got to look while you're doing it. Look directly down the camera while you're blowing your nose.

26:02Thank you for having a fresh tissue because this one looks rank. That was being the boot of your car for three days. Oh, sorry. I could lean forward, I suppose. Slowly. Thank you so much. This is all good. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to do this as a Patreon? Write down the back of the camera, please, Philip. I wanted to do the picking thing just to get yeah you've got to do the picking thing the next one it's good no you're clean I think it says a lot about a man the nose blowing style doesn't it it does yeah if I did a cartoon where it goes yeah if it makes a honking noise but yeah you've got to get in there yeah sometimes and like the people who don't they're going to pay the price later on I wonder what age you stop blowing the child's nose for them you know they always go and blow My mum still does mine.

26:47Mum, can you come round? They suck it out, some parents. You know that. Well, they don't. Because kids can't, like babies can't blow their nose. So they literally, they recommend, or you know, a lot of people do this, literally sucking it out for them. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. But then they also, there's this tube being invented that you like put over your kid's nose and suck it through the tube so it doesn't end up in your mouth. But some parents just... Yeah, I've got to say this. I've meant... Yeah, I think that's just part of being a parent. You've got to suck snot out your baby's head.

27:19No, thank you. I mean, this is a different podcast run by two other losers. But it sounds disgusting. I'm glad I can't have kids. That's what it entails. Pop-a-dom's a bed, though. Thank you for getting my apologies. Bread. Bread, I'm a breadie boy. You're a breadie boy. I bet you guessed that as well. I don't know, actually. I wouldn't have guessed that I guess poppadoms have got a lot of dips and you said you don't like sauce so I guess that's going to put you off because sometimes I'll eat the poppadoms around like a if I go out and I always have if I go to like an Indian restaurant I'll always have the mixed grill so I get the driest things wow all the tikka stuff yeah so it's just still like I like the flavour delicious but I just and I take the onions off do I want these onions wow they go in so generous I love having dinner with Phil Ellis he always gives me his onions this metal tray's going anyone cardboard lid does anyone want my onions yeah give the lid a lick and that's good to go so you just have the just have the meats yeah and sometimes I'll just go oh do you have a popadum I'll try that and then it's just it's dry and it you like dry yeah well I don't know if I like I'd put some margarine on it on a popadum yeah if they had any got any vitalite I've been worried they'll have some in the kitchen they'll probably cook with a bit of vitalite so bread you're going with the bread yeah is there a specific type of bread or a bread from a specific place that you want oh no do you know do you know the best bread I ever had please was like a baton like you know they called them battons you know you couldn't wield it as a weapon but it was like I suppose you'd call it like just what would you call it I mean like a roll I suppose a stick no it was really soft white bread yeah and then I just remember when you're cutting it it wasn't like airy it wasn't too airy I had like a nice sort of solid feel to it but it wasn't too hard it was just right and I put a lovely egg in it cracked it put it in my friend taught me how to do it where was this bread?

29:28it was in the Lake District it's a big area yeah we're going to narrow it down so were you was it a restaurant? were you staying somewhere? no it was in like a deli and they had this nice baton and I said, can I have a sausage and egg? And it was the nicest thing. My mouth's watering it. I nearly cried, remember? That can be your bread course if you want. You can have that with a sausage and egg. Oh, can I have that as well? I can put stuff in the bread. If you want. Oh, brilliant. I'll have a sausage and egg baton, please. Yeah, sausage and egg baton from the Lake District. Whereabouts in the Lake District was it?

30:03Could you remember? It was near a lake. Sort of the kind of district. I can't remember. It's a long time ago. I think this sounds like lovely bread course. Yeah, it's right. Yeah, I love a bit of bread. What sort of sausages is in there? Just plain pork, please. Plain pork. Plain porky, boys. And cooked all the way through. All the way through, please. And cooked them in half. Yeah. Don't want them rolling around in there. Yeah, that's a good point for a sausage sandwich. Yeah, yeah. You've got to split and flatten them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You've got to split and flatten them. Yeah. Took me years to figure that out.

30:35Always rolling out. Always like eating a batter and you'd be trying to chat to someone and you'd be always poking one back in. and it was like there must be a better way than this yeah any way to stabilise these cylindrical meat I have a regular argument with my tour manager Paul Brown full name where we have we have a lot of breakfast together and he always and I think this is a stupid thing to do always ask for a sausage is well done yeah unnecessary I feel like it's unnecessary but he claims that most places undercook their sausages or there's a lot of places that undercook them and you're at risk of having like the situation that you had with a raw sausage but I've never had that before no I know I do get I think because pork is the thing that we all fear don't we because we've been told for years pork if it's undercut well you will that's you done yeah you're done but I think it goes back to the days when we didn't have fridges yeah but I think that is one fear yeah but sometimes you have I suppose if you used to maybe if you go to a place and you weren't happy the first time then you can say can you cook the sausages more yeah But I'd generally give someone the benefit of the doubt.

31:41Yeah, I think so. But then we were on tour the other day, and it was a buffet situation. We lifted up the lid, and the sausages were the palest looking things, and some of them were broken up, and they were all in pile. It looked horrible, like visceral. I did get told once, though. I went to Wetherspoons for breakfast, and they brought the eggs out. Well, they brought out on their own. May I present to the eggs. And they were all hard. So I went, oh, sorry. Do you mind if I have a runny egg? you've got to ask for that which you've just done what? yeah so that's what's happening but that's what's happening now that's literally what is going on right now that can't be your response you can't get me on that the response to the question can't be I have to ask the question and so ever since I go in and go can I have my eggs running they go yeah they come running and I was like well now I'm the idiot but I was told specifically to ask and the one day you don't ask it'll be a hard egg again yeah it happened How often are you having Wetherspoons breakfast, Phil?

32:39We're just trying to get a picture of your life. Tomorrow morning, I will have a Wetherspoons breakfast. So that's how often you know in advance that you're having a Wetherspoons breakfast tomorrow. Yeah, get there before 12. Get there before 11.30, because otherwise the chef's like, oh, I'm in burger zone. Yeah, I've had enough of breakfast. Sorry, Phil. So there are loads of places, greasy spoons and stuff, that do really good fry-ups. why are you going to Wetherspoons which I don't think is as good as your standard caf I would agree with you yeah okay but do the cafes do a bottomless coffee for£1.70 I see so that's what's drawing you in there do they have the atmosphere the jovial warm atmosphere of a Wetherspoon at 11.30am at 11.30am they've got and plates yeah and the smell of a fresh Guinness on the table next year the smell of it or are you ordering one of those I'll put it on the table next to me and then I go no no no pretending I'm not drinking it I can't remember the last time I had a Wetherspoons breakfast or food in Wetherspoons to be honest I'll have a breakfast in like an airport cafe and a pint maybe now and again love to be a lad now and again sure what's the earliest you've had a pint alone oh great question not even start the main menu sorry Phil's asking what's the earliest you've had a pint alone I'm sorry it's probably at an airport yeah but I don't think I would have been alone though because I would have been flying with someone yeah or a stack dude but you wouldn't be alone would you no sorry I'd probably be alone on my stack dude yeah I mean it's going to be at an airport but then I can't even think I probably wouldn't have a pint alone no to be honest what about you please answer the question well tomorrow

34:32what do you pair with a Weatherspoons breakfast, what pint is the best? Oh, I just go for like a nice Carlsberg. It's easy, it's fresh, it's low alcohol, so you don't feel too bad. Yeah. And you dip your sausage in. And do you have to ask for the Carlsberg runny? Yeah. Rock hard Carlsberg. I know you've got to ask for that. Yeah, yeah. Did you specify?

34:59This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call? Or maybe you've been meaning to find a new dentist, but you have no idea where to start. I find that's especially true when you move. It's hard to find your people. I've been there, which is why I use ZocDoc. Now, as a busy podcaster parent and someone who's always juggling a million things, I love anything that makes life easier. And ZocDoc lets you search and compare local in-network doctors with over 250 ,000 providers across more than 200 specialties.

35:32You can read reviews from real patients, find a provider who feels like the right fit, see actual appointment openings, and book instantly. I recently had a last-minute health issue pop up and needed to see someone fast. Instead of calling around or sitting on hold, I found a doctor on ZocDoc and booked an appointment in just a few minutes. It made the whole process so much less stressful. Now, taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C, and book that appointment on your to-do list. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it.

36:08No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with ACAST. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

36:41Your dream starter, Phil Ellis. Oxtails. Did you just look down the camera when you took a sip of your tea? I did, but then I tried not to. I realized it. What is that? it's weird I've done it again an oxtail soup yeah that's too heavy but I'm getting a bit of a meaty hit before we get well don't want to know no spoilers no spoilers we might be meeting the rest of that bovine baby soup this is tail to nose eating we're doing yeah yeah start at the back work our way forward the dessert will be the oxtails covered in powdered sugar yeah the dessert's the thing it's looking at yeah you've gone so far nose to tail that you go beyond what it's looking at past the ring in its nose yeah yeah this surprises me because you don't like sauces but you picked a soup which I would say is a big bowl of sauce big bowl of sauce yeah that is an issue that people do do say that soup is a sauce but when does a liquid become a sauce and when does a sauce become a liquid and what is soup what's on the subject sauce is liquid I think people would say really yeah yeah yeah but then soup is liquid too but then I guess it's presentation yeah so am I having a nice cup of sauce no no no no oh two sugars in my sauce please and milk tea sauce yeah that's I think it's presentation it's context yeah yeah but I'm not pouring the oxtail soup on anything no it's in a bowl yeah so it's contained I kind of get it it's not tainting anything around it you kind of soup in a mug and then that becomes does that become a drink that becomes a really lonely phase of your life yeah believe you me I hate soup in a mug do you it's weird isn't it I really hate it so you're supposed to just drink it do you like drinking it out the mug yeah as long as there's no bits in it when there's bits in it it's annoying out the mug because then you they'll just sink into the bottom that's annoying and there's bits in the oxtail soup I'm guessing yeah but the ones I get the tin oxtail I get luckily the bits of carrot in it which ruin it all float to the top.

38:52So if you open the, leave it to settle, open the tin carefully and then you can scoop all them out before you start. Flick them in the sink, get them in that little bit, then plug it up. Throw them straight in the bin. This is your dream starter. You're already going. The chef would be doing this for me. That's the cooking. Sorry, I forgot that's part of the cooking. They're flipping the carrots into the sink and then scraping them out from around the plug hole and putting them in the bin. Yeah, yeah. That should be ready now. Yeah, straighten your rock sack. Get that in the microwave three minutes so this is what you want you want the tinned oxtail soup that you like you want the chef to flip the carrots out into the sink yes please and then you want it three minutes in the microwave yeah don't get Heinz they have bits of tomato in it right and you don't want that do you just want is it almost like a clear soup basically but the little bits little chunks of oxtail yeah they're a nice little surprise yeah you like those they're not a surprise

39:45you've got a bit of any surprises for yourself so fucking hell there's a bit of oxtail in this oxtail sink. Whoa. Never know, do you? Let the yard down for a second. He gets some oxtail in the oxtail sink. Is there a danger when you're flicking the carrot out that you accidentally flick a bit of oxtail into the sink? And in that situation, what do you do? Well, before you start, you want to clean that sink so that if you lose any oxtail, you feel confident enough that it's clean that you can pop that back in the tank. So you do that. You do pre-clean your sink in case you accidentally flick some oxtail into it when you're flicking out the carrots.

40:18Do you believe that he pre-cleans the sink? Nope. Well, it's a sink. The sink is clean anyway, isn't it? So, okay, we've immediately... Yeah, you're not cleaning it anyway. I've not been putting stuff in there to dirt. I put stuff in there that's dirty and when it comes out, it's clean. So I assume the area around... The sink is clean. The sink is clean. Where does the dirt go from the thing that you're cleaning in the sink? Down. All goes down. Straight down. Down the plug hole and out into the sea where it belongs. What if I just got like a tin of oxtail soup and I just poured it down a flushed toilet?

40:59Are you going to be licking that off the sides of the bowl? Yeah, a bit of oxtail in there. But I'm not using soap in the toilet. There's soap in the sink when you're cleaning your dishes. Plus, I'm not shitting in the sink, by the way. By the way, the only guest who's ever had to say that. Yeah. Also, I don't fully believe you. that you've never done that. Why have you got that chopstick next to the sink then, Phil? It's our first loxail soup on the pod, I think. It might be. I don't know. Certainly tinned with all the carrots strained out. Yeah. Oh. I feel quite... What is the make of the soup that you use?

41:35Because you say no Heinz, but like... I have Aldi's own. Aldi's own, yeah. Which hasn't been in stock as much recently. I don't know if that's a Brexit thing. Okay. Could be. Aldi's own, not Aldi's own. it's not like Burger Zone no it's not Aldi Zone yeah yeah oh Timothy Spore picked an oxtail stew with chicken schlashlik so like a kebab with it which must have been his main right but yeah that's a different that's a different thing to Aldi Zone oxtail soup I think and he took my part from Harry Potter I was meant to play that mouse character it's a rat yeah rat yeah that's why I didn't get it beginning to see why he didn't get it there's a TV series being made now Phil and I'm pretty sure no one's really queuing up for it so if you want to if you want to play that role as long as you're okay setting fire to your new fan base that followed you from Taskmaster straight into the audition room it's a mouse is it?

42:29but yeah do you know what mate? fine the part's yours I'd mute your mentions if I was you yeah I'm not saying you can separate the art from the artist straight in the compilation yeah but I don't think an oxtail stew is the same as soup no it's not no no no stew and soup are two very different plus what else do you have in it kimchi chicken that's something I've heard of chicken chicken yeah not kimchi mate do you want to have a guess at what kimchi is yeah a fruit yep I'm back yeah and I've got and I've got a bath this ball has he got almost certainly got a bath he's definitely or doesn't give a shit about the BAFTAs so it's one of the two you've not won that I don't think yeah yeah he's great he's in my favourite one of my favourite Mike Lee films all or nothing yeah lovely good actor what did you get a BAFTA for?

43:26me? yeah have I got a BAFTA for? yeah I didn't know you had a BAFTA no I haven't no I said he's got a BAFTA did I? you said and I've got a BAFTA sport oh did I? it was very clear you're very clear you said and I've got a BAFTA sport yeah yeah we're all yeah yeah yeah Sorry, I got caught up in it. I think for a moment, I believed that. I thought, I didn't know Phil had won a BAFTA. I love how James did that. He didn't go, oh, what was that? What was that for? It was just like, what have you got one for? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Almost anger. But he didn't, he believed it. Yeah. I wasn't angry.

44:00No, not angry, but just confused. I was happy for you. But I was like, Phil's going to expect me to know what everyone's won. I've got a BAFTA. Yes, Ed's got a BAFTA because he won Taskmaster Series 7 and then won a BAFTA. Nine, you were in seven. Sorry, that was me. We'll misspeaking. Can we agree that we'll misspeaking? Maybe a BAFTA winner soon as well? Yeah, you might be. How hot are you making this oxtail soup? Do you want it piping? I don't want to be waiting for it. Microwave two and a half minutes, mate. Get them carrots out. What did I say about the carrots? Take it back. Take it back.

44:33Open a new tin. I don't want that one. You're just spitting it. Two and a half minutes. Good to go. don't need the spoon I love that the dream restaurant you could you know have someone make an oxtail soup from scratch without any carrots in it anyway you know you could create this whole thing for yourself but you just want and I respect this you want what you know which is the Aldi's own oxtail soup with the carrots scooped out from the microwave two and a half minutes yeah and I like to think this dream restaurant is I'm like they're just it's my house it's your house and the chef's just in my kitchen so he's quite limited with what he's got to be honest unless he brings his own stuff plus that microwave it stops at 30 seconds you have to take it so we're always she's putting it on five times yeah yeah we just always add 30 seconds onto what you want to do really and it'll stop itself at 30

45:29your dream main course is let me rustle this let me get out this sack this is going to be quite involved this because Phil's going to his notes egg no I've got a funny egg story no I haven't got time we do we do have time I've got time but I was going to put lamb but I thought that was boring so then I was going to put pheasant because I went through a phase of really enjoying stuff you could eat that you could find on the road oh my god but I wasn't finding it on the road I was just like I'd go if I was like a roadkill guy I'd have pheasant rabbit and maybe a guinea fowl so I tried all them didn't like one I couldn't eat I couldn't eat the rabbit either to be honest I felt too bad yeah I cooked it though threw it in the bin it's worse so much worse so you liked the idea of eating roadkill or animals that would have been run over on a road it just like I like the isn't there a law that if you not run it over but you're the car behind you can then crack on don't think you have to be the car behind I don't think because otherwise it could be like I'm two cars behind I'm starving the car behind is yours you just can't be the car that hits it otherwise it's like you could have done it with intent yeah you could have gone that pheasant's having it yeah yeah starving and then yeah so you have to have found it yeah and then and a friend of mine lived up in the in the Peak District and he was starting to do that he was telling me about it so I found a pheasant the other day it was fresh and so I just took it home and we ate it but then he told me this horrific story where he found a I think he made a bit of a mistake with this one he found a dead sheep and I don't think this is legal I think you're meant to leave a dead sheep because they're marked even if you're the car behind yeah and we popped it in his boot but he was on his way to a gig oh my god this story is horrific drove it into Manchester the gig overran it was quite a hot day kind of forgot about this sheep in the back of his car and he got to the car and he couldn't breathe.

47:41It stank that much because obviously the sheep had started to release in the boot. And it was so bad he had to take the sheep out and he just left it in a multi-street car park in the middle of Manchester. So was this you, Phil? Yeah. Phil, this is you. He was at a gig. Yeah. The gig over man. I mean, it sounds like... He put the sheep next to the raw breakfast. Yeah, it just sounds like it's you, Phil. It's the pain display. I went to... Five hours on. When I was at university, there was someone who got drunk one night and like blackout drunk and then woke up the next day and sort of put two and two together that on the way home, he'd killed a pigeon and cooked it when he got home.

48:21What? That's mad, isn't it? That he'd killed a pigeon? Well, he'd intentionally killed it. On the way home, caught a pigeon, killed it. What? And then got home and cooked it. He's really ill. And then he did it again two weeks later. What the hell was going on? Is he like de-feathering it and everything? Yeah, I guess so. He's doing all the stuff. I just heard about this guy. But not cooking it thoroughly. Yeah, yeah, not cooking it thoroughly. Just a normal pigeon. But also it's just like a street pigeon. A street pigeon. It's not, you know, this is not on a farm. The sheep story seems so tame now, doesn't it?

48:55Both of those are awful. Yeah, both of those are awful. Where was this? In London? Durham. Oh, Durham. That's a different flock of pigeon over there. Yeah, yeah. so what are you choosing well sorry a tomahawk steak lovely yeah because I had one once and it was so well cooked and everything that I got really emotional I'm getting emotional thinking about it yeah and it was really nice nothing with it absolutely nothing with it nothing with it whereabouts did you have this tomahawk steak what district in Italy lovely I bet you didn't think I'd been no no I won't lie to you won a holiday you won a holiday to Italy where did you win the holiday I was in I was in mum and dad's living room at the time okay and what competition was it Phil we're in a trip to Italy okay it was online all the information we actually need you refuse to give us I entered it online not thinking about it really was it like a little advert like on the side of like a little post and I was like I've never been to Italy love a Tomahawk steak famous for the hang on it didn't mention the Tomahawk steak on the competition did it no it didn't no but to be honest I was there and I wanted to really sample the delicacies I tried a lasagna on the first day but they do it all backwards like there's not cheese on top there was tomorrow on top and I just went this is I'm out and so I just had steak every night so how long was the holiday that you won five nights so you've won five nights in Italy and whereabouts in Italy was it Lake Garda another lake yeah of course in a hotel do you have any buttons in a hotel yeah kind of like a hotel why can I sort of a chalet I call them chalet we call them so you'd won I guess I'm presuming the flights are paid for the accommodation is that it breakfast lovely breakfast comes in competition but if you want to eat again pay for it or wait till breakfast yeah yeah so breakfast every morning but nothing or do what I do steal as many sausages as you can get them in your pockets yeah you'll eat like a king all day yeah do you do that if you have a buffet breakfast are you taking lunch as well I used to like when I was really skint gigging I remember I was like I had no money at all I was in Cardiff doing the glee and they had the breakfast and I made like I would make my little rolls for dinner and I said there was these other acts when I was doing it in Newcastle the same thing and I went to one of the acts who was doing a different like I think they were doing Jonglers or something in Newcastle and I went just a little tip what I do is I make a little sandwich for dinner and one of them I took a full English breakfast like towering on the plate and they went yeah what do you think this is and he just walked and I'm trying to hide like an apple in my sleeve and he just walked past reception with a full English breakfast grabbed a free paper and got in the lift went to his room he just had that waiting till dinner oh god what is it these old breakfasts we're talking about horrible you know my wife's done in the past she's been in a cold country is take two fresh boiled eggs put them in her gloves for the day to keep her hands warm and then eats it for lunch how long do they retain the heat?

52:18long enough to keep you warm I think for the morning yeah and then hope he doesn't have to clap anything we'll go and watch Phil Ellis live the eggs will be fine that's a good that's a good way of getting people into your tour actually. Yeah. If you've got boiled eggs in your gloves you'll be alright. If you leave with them uncracked you get your money back. This Tomahawk steak sounds wonderful though. Yeah. How's it cooked to what temperature? Medium rare. Medium rare. Lovely. Medium rare. But more towards the rare I quite like a slightly rare you know but when you say medium rare a proper chef who knows what they'll make it quite bloody anyway won't they but I would imagine.

52:55And is there a nice like seasoning on the outside is there a crust to it? I like a very salty steak yeah but I don't want the bloke coming out and pouring it down his arm if you see that online where that guy people were paying you're talking about salt bay how quickly you forget James you not remember salt bay no the guy comes out he's got like a black glove on like he's in Hostel the Turkish guy yeah and he'll come out and he'll go hey look at this nice steak and he goes and he pours salt down his arm and it goes through all the hair all the hair onto your steak Do you not remember Salt Bae?

53:31No. I know you're not on social media, but you must know Salt Bae. I don't think... It's a few years ago. I've seen a video of Gemma Collins going to a steak place where they make a steak that's got gold all over it. That's that guy's place. Because off the back of his viral fame doing that, with dropping all the salt through his hair, he opened loads of restaurants. And they did well for a bit because he'd go to all of them on opening night and do that. And David Backham's there and he's loving Salt Bae and all of this. but then obviously you just stopped going to them and there's like there's one in London that no one ever goes in because it's like 800 quid for a steak covered in gold leaf yeah it's awful yeah Gemma Collins had it she was so excited about it someone showed it to me like look at this this is pathetic yeah and it was like and he's coming over Salt Bay or whatever his name is and doing the whole thing and she's like losing her mind and drinking like you know loads of champagne and being like she's looking down the camera like you would and being like here we go baby this is it and it's like he's cutting up the steak and you're like that is it's just so bleak we all know you can't taste gold yeah yeah so like whatever you're doing we all like no matter who is watching this knows it's stupid no one no one is watching this thing and it's cool yeah gold leaf thing it's just like the gross sort of debiification of everything where it's like look at how well I'm doing I'm eating a gold steak for no reason it's horrible isn't it horrible it's me sat there chewing on an earring when's his oxtail soup getting here no we won't we won't bring out and that saltbake guy as well he got in loads of trouble because he was there at like the world cup final once when Argentina won and he kept like he's like walking into their shop where they're holding the world cup and stuff like standing next to them being like yeah we did it together trying to get in a photo with Messi salt into the cup yeah yeah putting more gold on the world cup Gemma Collins we assume he's got a clean elbow you've got to assume he's got a clean elbow if I was to the restaurant I just did it on my ass crack all right ready for salt yeah I mean that is different Phil tell me you see the difference the problem is yeah Phil doesn't know his ass from his elbow yeah brilliant excellent work come on I think now you know now you've done Taskmaster and you found fame I think you could do a restaurant pop-up where you sprinkled salt through your ass crack onto people's steak into their oxtails.

55:57Yeah, while they go crazy for it. Go in there. Here we go. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation.

56:36ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C, ZocDoc. You've got social dialed in. Search is doing its thing. So why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago? That's because you're fishing in the same pond as everyone else. Podcast listeners are a different audience entirely, more engaged, harder to reach through traditional channels, and ready to act when someone they trust makes a recommendation.

57:19We're Acast and we put them right in front of you. Browse thousands of the world's leading podcasts, book host reads or run your own ads and track every conversion in real time. Same skills you already have. Brand new results. Acast. Acast.com slash advertise.

57:46guys. Your dream side dish. Now, you've said that you want this steak on its own, so this is a bit of a conundrum. Well, on its own, because I sometimes get too caught up with all the other bits and I'm like, I just want to enjoy this massive tomahawk, like it takes up the whole plate. We know you don't want any sauce with it, certainly. Although, sometimes I'll have a peppercorn sauce and I'll dip it in. you stay in your little tub mate I'll come to you that's the beginning steak sauce yeah right what else would you have well this is the first the first sauce you try with a steak is a peppercorn sauce and you're like okay fine I don't know what other sauces you could possibly have Jimmy Churi I'm going to avoid a joke about that being someone great great prop comic Jimmy Churi's on next that's a good name for a prop comic isn't it Jimmy Churi I'm a toaster Hang on.

58:38This prop comic is saying I'm a toaster. He's got a bit of bread on his head. Whoa. Okay. This is opening bit. Bernays. All right. Yeah. Another character. Weekend at Bernays. You sure is that character? Yeah. But yeah, peppercorn's like a solid choice. But I'm kind of with you. I wouldn't really have, I don't really have sauces with steak because if it's good steak and it's got a lot of fat in it anyway and it's like delicious and you just want to taste the beef maybe sometimes when they bring like butter along yeah like you know if it's garlic butter or bone marrow butter sometimes they bring it over and I find it quite hard to resist just like running the steak through that yeah getting a nice bit of steak and then I'm with you on that and you can put it running it around I had a nice twist it up I had a nice blue cheese hollandaise at Hawksmoor the other day with a steak.

59:34Oh, I like Hawksmoor. Yeah. Yeah, I go there in Manchester. You went there on your own, didn't you? Yeah, I went to Hawksmoor on my own. It was lovely. I had a 600 gram ribeye. Oh, yeah, that's a big bite, isn't it? Yeah, they were like, are you sure you want that? I was like, yeah. Finish it? Yeah, yeah, I felt so sick. Ed texted me saying he was there and he was going to do it. And like, you know, Ed and I will often have like, you know, kind of an ongoing text exchange during a meal if the other person's like excited about it. But there was something about it. Ed texted me saying, I'm at Hawksmoor on my own and I couldn't be happy.

1:00:06I've made such a great decision. This is going to be great. And I just was like, you know what? I think Ed would like to be left alone during this. I picked up from the thing that like, Ed has texted me because of out of habit. But I think Ed in his head is like going, why have I done that? No, I didn't think that. I'm here on my own. Now I'm going to get texts from this guy. So I just left him to it. That's nice. And I knew, I'll probably hear about it on the pod and here we are. and did you take your time with it? Oh yeah, of course. You have to do 600 grams. You can't be racing through that.

1:00:39I always think, I see the staker, it's not quite big enough that and I always want to try a proper big. That's why I don't want the other bits getting in the way. I just want that big slab of meat. But that sounds amazing. How many grams of the tomahawk? I don't know, but you've got to take the bone into account. You can get big ones, like over a kilo really. I think for your dream meal, we should get you like a 1.2 kilo. My mouth watered a bit then. It was really sad. I felt really pathetic. Are you chewing the bone? I do. I like the bone. Yeah. I like a meat bone. Sometimes I've had friends and family will save a bone for me.

1:01:15I was at a family barbecue, not of late. And they went, don't worry, and they gave the lamb bone to one of the cousin's dogs. And then they even looked at me as he did it. And they went, sorry, Phil. And this dog didn't appreciate that lamb bone. I bet it did. Well, it did. Yeah, but it loved it. Famously, famously loved that. Yeah. I was like, watching The Simpsons eating that. So I love that. So when you initially said, sometimes they save the bone for me, it's when you're there, right? Because in my head, you're not there and they're going, save that for Phil. Save that for Phil. Bury it in the garden.

1:01:51Dig it up later. Save that for our Phil. Yeah. Postman knocking. You won't go through the letterbox. Oh, that'll be a bone. must have been gutted when your friend threw that sheep away yeah the whole skeleton there for you I would have had that I would have had that I would have gnawed on that yeah watching the Simpsons yeah so many bones oh don't put Nana down there full of bones that's what she was by the end that's horrible yeah pretty horrible the Simpsons tune on your Nana's hip bone always the Simpsons always the Simpsons what was your dream side though? oh it has to go with the state doesn't it really?

1:02:28doesn't it have to It's going to be whatever you want. Is a poached egg a side? Yeah. You have it on the side. I'll count that as a side. Have a nice poached egg, please. A poached egg. Tap it with a bit of kitchen towel before you pop it on the toast so it's not too wet. So you've got toast as well on the side? Oh, yeah, sorry. Poached egg on toast. It's not just a single poached egg. Well, that is what we thought you'd say. Sorry, poached egg. Maybe you want to consider how we reacted to it. Yeah, yeah. I go, what does that say about me? Yeah. They thought it was funny, but they didn't think it was out of the question.

1:03:00I had a friend once. We were on a night out. And we were going home afterwards. And I went, oh, I might go and get a kebab on the way home. And he went, oh, I'm all right. I fried three eggs before I came out. The world you live in is so gross, Phil. The people you know are so gross. But I just left it at that. I went home like, why would you fry three eggs and then leave the house? you've got to have those later just surely do them fresh when you're in right they're not that long to do are they no they're nice and hot yeah and they're not long enough that you'll be going oh I'll probably be able to do this before I have to go and meet Phil around the time does he have them cold must he yes has to have them cold you can't warm them back up again no you can't can you I don't think you can reheat them no he's eating three cold eggs three cold fried eggs probably still in the pan I would imagine when he left Maybe he fried six eggs before leaving the house.

1:03:59Got through three of them and went, oh, I'll fall up. I can't do it. I'll finish these later. I can't do it. I'm going to have to put some cling film over these and put them in the fridge. I'll put one in my pocket. Maybe later I'll have them. Put one in the boot. Yeah, yeah, obviously. Frisbee one into the boot. Drive into town to see Phil. So you've got one poached egg on toast as your side dish with the steak. Yes, please. Thank you. A little bit of salt and pepper. Lovely. No sauces needed. no sauce indeed but the egg is a sauce the egg's a sauce yes it's his own sauce yeah yeah what kind of bread are we talking just white toasted bread white toasted bread do you have a preferred brand Aldi again please Aldi's own straight to Aldi and who does a voiceover for Aldi I don't know actually Jim Broadbent these days is it is he or is he Lidl Spall Broadbent Macy Adam does Asda oh yeah congrats congrats I'd like Morrison's you'd like Morrison's that'd be your I've worked a jingle out for Morrisons.

1:04:58Let's hear it. So it's Christmas time. I think you do like an Oliver thing. And someone goes, God, you get so much more. And then someone goes, more? More? And then they go, Morrisons, Morrisons, never before has a store offered more. You're really going to have to watch this one, everyone, because obviously that ended with Phil looking right. And he's still, he's looking down the camera at the end of the song. Then all the time it took me to say that, I look back and realize Phil had been looking down the camera for the whole time. The whole time. really rushed it at the end yeah yeah sorry you just wanted to be out of the song but the advert's like all the carrots dancing down the aisle dancing down the aisle yeah well it's Carter not really so they're in Morrison's dancing about Morrison's and they're like can we do Morrison's Morrison's never before there's a store of it more yeah that's good copyright yeah can I copyright that song yeah I don't think you need to but like yeah you can if you want is Morrison's your favourite supermarket or is it no it must be Aldi of course it's Aldi Aldi yeah what's the best thing from Aldi the hand cooked the salt and chardonnay vinegar crisps ah but a little tip for you look on the back pick the right chef because Dilip doesn't put enough salt and vinegar on it but Somnath and Deepak do there's your tip why are the chefs listed on the back I have no idea but they are and they do vary in extremities of like if you want a really intense hit Somnath or Deepak but I'm assuming they're just all made in the same factory though and these men are just invented I wonder if they're like the names of the machines and that would be the lottery

1:06:42Somnath oh number 22 not seen that one for a while and we'll be drawing from Deepak today yeah it might be that but no there's three chefs who are making all the crisps yeah I think so there's four I think there's the fourth one I can't remember but you're not interested in that guy no no you're two favourites one who you absolutely hate and another who you never know I mean if I'm desperate I'll have a dillip but I'd rather have a Sobnath or a Deepak yeah they get the salt level right salt level intense Deepak proper big hit you can't have a full packet because you'll burn what about the vinegar for me it's all about the vinegar yeah the vinegar's really intense what would you do if you found out if you saw a video on Deepak's doing all the salt through his ass back you're like that's why that's why I like it yeah yeah Jim McCullin's going crazy yeah oh Deepak that's incredible I love this I've not yeah I've not I've not really gone into the details in Aldi before I didn't realise there was different different chefs for the different crisps I was just like why is this a bad batch and I couldn't figure it out so I started looking more into it and I realised that they had the chef's names on the back so then I thought I'll go and get a cross section yeah that's how you find out do you think that's for all of Aldi or is that just in the branch of Aldi that you shop in well I've been to Wales and there's a few Deepaks in there yeah yeah he gets out and about doesn't he yeah he's a busy boy

1:08:10your dream drink I think I'll just have like I like Coca-Cola I'll have a little Coca-Cola or or if we're having a bit of a cheeky drink a little tipple yeah a nice Wetherspoon Pinot Grigio, please, from the tap. No, I won't. You can have that if you want. Can I? I'll have that. Is that your dream? That's your favourite. We'll get two for one on a Friday. This is all free anyway. It's all free? Yeah. Oh, I'll have three then, please.

1:08:41All right. Four's too much. You can have a bottle if you want. Or it's not in a bottle, though, is it? It's out of tap. It's out of tap, yeah. Or just bring the tap to me. Yeah, we can get you a Wetherspoons. You can put a tap on the side. We can put a Wetherspoons tap on your table for Pinot Grigio if you want. I'll have that, thank you. What do you like about the Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio? It's two for one on a Friday. Did I stutter? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Tom. Is there anything about the taste that you enjoy? No, not really. No, it's horrible. Yeah. I went through a phase of, oh, so I went on a diet.

1:09:16I thought I needed to get in shape for the Taskmaster show. because that was when I thought strongman outfit I thought but you don't want to look really bad so I thought I'll start exercising so I read somewhere that if you drink Guinness or white wine it helps you know keep the calories off if you want to drink like you're probably best just so you decided I don't want to get in shape you're like there is no way in hell that I am stopping drinking so I have to google yeah I went through all of them cause even though that's kind of like yep go on that's not happening why is that not happening?

1:09:49that was horrible plus I don't like the bottom of the glass which is blue I don't understand why it's blue sorry for Guinness and white wine and how many Guinness and white wine would you say is okay on a diet well I would normally fall asleep on a bench in a pub around four Guinness three wines in yeah because you need to alternate them because Guinness is too heavy so then you have a nice wine four Guinness and three wines alright Kate Moss so you're starting with the Guinness I'll have a Guinness to start, please. Thank you. And you're alternating between them. Between the two. And when you get to the fourth Guinness, you've fallen asleep on the bench.

1:10:26Yeah. So we better get that dessert out. Well, we can probably do that. We can probably put two taps on your table in the dream restaurant. And Guinness, one's Guinness and one's Pinot Grigio. Yeah. But yeah, Wetherspoons. So I don't know how they keep the lines at Wetherspoons in terms of the Guinness. I don't know how well they preserve their Guinness. Well, they serve so many, they're all right. Yeah. But if you were to have like a Bud Light, Yeah. this is going to taste a bit like bleach. Yeah. Do you mind if someone does the Guinness for me? Oh, of course, yeah. Who would you like? Deepak, please.

1:10:57Yeah, Deepak. Of course, Deepak. Yeah, yeah. Straight in there, it's going to be a salty Guinness. Okay, well, that sounds good, Phil. I mean, that's... It doesn't sound good. It sounds awful. Is this an awful meal? It sounds like... I find it hard to believe that you've never... Because, you know, you do like to drink. I don't believe you've never had a better drink oh no I liked I used to like going for a Malbec which my friend you know Mick Ferry the comedian very funny comedian he would always he got me into Malbec but I quite like the way he'd say well Malbec because we had we couldn't say it in like can I have a Malbec we'd have to be like give it a go like you know can I have a Malbec so it's like we try so every time I order to him I go I'll have a Sauvignon Blanc I suppose why do you why do you feel like you need to do it like that I feel like a class traitor if I say it properly right yeah especially if I say when they say New Zealand or Chile I go bothered I go one half of each if they say next time if they say Chile you go yeah I want it cold yeah you gotta do that yeah you gotta do that but I can yeah I like a Malbec lovely are you gonna be drinking is this meal gonna be drinking for pleasure or effect because at the moment if it was there it's for effect what the Malbec Sauvignon Blanc or the Pinot Grigio, sorry.

1:12:16All right. If I was paying for it, I'd do this Pinot. You're not paying for it. Well, then I'll have a Malbec, please. Lovely. Thank you. It goes well with the same spot. So you don't want the taps now? You can leave them there because I'll probably... You do want the taps. Because I'll probably want to keep drinking, but I'll start if I'm flagging a bit. Yeah. Phil, is your dream drink an entire Wetherspoons bar attached to the table? Yeah, basically. Yeah, it sounds like. I'll tell you what, bring a couple of the locals round as well in case I get bored. Any people in particular characters from your local that you want sat maybe in the room?

1:12:47There used to be a local I drank in London and the guy he had no vocal cords because he was a heavy smoker and I was a heavy smoker at the time he always used to say he had like two left I think so he could sort of get a bit out and he was like you need to stop smoking Phil please and then he'd always ask for a cigarette I'd like him You'd like him there? Yeah because he was good to chat to but he also had to have like a rest now and then so he wasn't going too much no he was in fucking agony when he was talking to you bleak just begging you not to smoke and then smoking in front of you yeah while you're still smoking yeah on my money yeah on your money yeah but I quit now so yeah well done so he won't be able to anymore yeah thank you and if you've got problems smoking why don't you put a number there for you put Phil's number there that was my number yeah

1:13:46Your dream dessert, Phil. To top off this treat of a meal, what better way than a nice, perfectly defrosted Sarah Lee Gatto. Here we go. Of course. It's the Sarah Lee Gatto. It's a Sarah Lee chocolate, triple chocolate Gatto, please. Yeah. It was always my favorite growing up and it makes, and I used to go to school with a girl called Sarah Lee. Of course. She's not nothing like the Gatto. Funny story. was that did you mention that to her at school would you be like oh did you invent the gato that sort of stuff yeah of course yeah a bit of fun I mean I was probably the joker in the pack wasn't I yeah what a fun I was at school no but I did sometimes like look and I go I wonder if she does eat Sarah Lee gato so you wouldn't make jokes out loud about it but in your head you would think I wonder if she eats Sarah Lee gato yeah I'd be like but like if there was a cake called the Phil Ellis sponge yeah I mean you'd try it but what if it wasn't for you you wouldn't just have it because it was you know called the Philellis Spun yeah fuck it out Frank so I don't think she'd be obligated to always have what's for dessert Sierra Leagher yeah yeah my gatto yeah what are you having walkers crisps obviously walkers he's just good walkers yeah he's good walkers that guy what about you Fab Lolly I'm a twit I couldn't tell you the last time I had a Sarah Legato.

1:15:12And are they still going strong? You can still get them. Well, I don't. I'm not checking the shares. But are you still eating them? No, no. Are they still available? I can't afford them. I have the Audi equivalent. Yeah, of course. Of course you do. Phil has bought someone from his management here with him today. And I hope they're taking note on how skint Phil is. And that they really need to start working harder. He's just on Taskmaster. Yeah. Well, exactly. doesn't last long that many I've got out the window not with my lifestyle I think of all the the king of the frozen desserts from the 1970s is the Viennetta for me oh yeah that's a good one never liked it though never but no it made it so it's not a good one no it's not it always used to come with the KFC family feast yes it did yeah my dad loved it but I was never a fan no why didn't you like it I don't know it was always like I didn't like the effort going through the chocolate when you had to crunch through each level.

1:16:12I don't know. I'd like the side bit with the squiggly bit of ice cream. That would go first, and then I'd just leave the middle. Will you cut it that way? No, I would just cut. No, I'd have my slice, and I'd go and just go and the end bits. That's wild. The middle was going. Anyone want that? Anyone want it for the middle, Dad? Yeah, anyone want my... Because you didn't want all the little bits of chocolate in there. Yeah. So you're offering your onions and the middle of a Vianessa, basically. Yeah, that's what it is. Very generous guy. Hey, hands off that Guinness. no but the Viennese is another classic Frozen yeah yeah yeah but you're a Sarah Lee guy I'm a Sarah Lee guy what do you like about the Sarah Lee Gatto yeah thank you for specifying it was the Gatto Sarah Lee I hope you're doing well wherever you are I've not seen you for 30 years but she was a good person who are you talking about now the school the one from school yeah the person from school but yeah the Gatto what was the thing I liked most about it I liked it was soft it was just the right richness of chocolate the sponge was nice but sometimes you'd rush it because you'd be like oh I want the Gatto and it wasn't defrosted enough but you'd persevere you'd get through the icy middle but you can't do that you've got to be patient that's a good thing about Cerely Gatto's taught me the value of patience patience is a virtue and that's all thanks to Cerely sometimes you want that chocolate hit but give it a bit of time and you'll appreciate it more are you having anything with the Gatto?

1:17:37ice cream oh no good it's all in there I think it's got a nice sort of moussey texture on the outside nice spongy middle you've got the little hard hit on top you've got a few curled chocolate and I'll just have an hard-hub one to myself thank you a whole one yeah just pull a curtain around the table okay and just as it's the curtain's been pulled around you see my putting my hand in it pushing my hand in it you're still in your own house right oh no do you know what I've been imagining myself in the corner of Wetherspoons now pull a curtain round in your own house what would you do if you're eating you pulled the curtain round you're eating the Sarah Legato with your hands we need the poo in it you just yeah you just see the curtain moving and you realise Deepak's just peeping through or it opens up as it's it's reopened there's a whole audience there and they're all going you'd like that stand up eggs splatting in their hands yeah

1:18:39well I'm going to read your menu back to you now Phil see how you feel about it you would like still water tap water yes thank you you want a sausage and egg batten from the late district for your bread course how have you done that huh just reading your menu it's not an iPad magic menu is a genie oh wow sorry starter you would like a tin docks tail soup with the carrots flipped out microwave for two and a half minutes Aldi zone Aldi zone Main course, Tomahawk steak from the free holiday in Italy at Lake Garda. Medium rare. Side dish, poached egg with salt and pepper on white toast. Drink Malbec, but you'd also like a Pinot Grigio tap and a Guinness tap.

1:19:17Yes, please. And Benito's throwing in a Coca-Cola here for you. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Does Sarah Lee triple chocolate gato? All to yourself with the curtain drawn out, would you? Yes, thank you. It says a lot. I think the menu, sometimes with guests, says a lot about their life. and I feel like that's one of them. Yeah. Hearing it back, I do see how that could seem a bit bleak. You know what really threw me and I thought about it at the time but only hearing it in isolation now because it made me realise how weird it is that you start with a sausage and egg sandwich and then your side dish is egg on toast.

1:19:54Yes. We should have picked you up on that at the time. No, but I didn't. But you threw the sausages at me. I never do that. Well, you said, hey, you can have sausage in it if you want the bread. Well, no. No, hang on. You said that that's what you'd had in the Lake District. Yeah. So we said, we can give you that. Oh, right. And you went, yeah, I want that. And you went, yeah, I'll have that exact thing. Thank you. We didn't know that later on as your side dish, forgive us for not presuming this, that you were going to choose egg on toast. With your tomahawk steak. With your beautiful tomahawk steak.

1:20:25That you got on a free holiday in Italy. Can I back... Do you do doggy backs? Could I just bag up... Well, maybe I'll just bag up the sausage egg sandwich. Yeah, but we know where that's going.

1:20:38I don't think with a good conscience I can give you that. Because they're only going to find it when they do your MOT. Do you do a doggy boot? Open it up. It's just like all the doggy mug from the Dream Restaurant. A dead fox. It's a right tough mate. Well, Phil, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Well, thanks for having me. And do you know what? I think we can all safely say that tour is sold out. It is. Off the back of this. And if anyone from Hollywood has listened to me. Or Morrisons. Or Morrisons, yeah. Thank you very much for having me on. It's been an absolute pleasure.

1:21:17And I'm sorry if I've made any of your listeners feel physically sick.

1:21:28Well, there we are. the first episode of series 16 done, James. Last episode ever of the podcast. One down, 19 to go in this series. And then onwards. Oh, man. Lovely to see, Phil. A disgusting menu. Yeah, disgusting man. Really disgusting man. But go and see him on tour. Doing bath mat. Also, his podcast. He'll look different now, though. Oh, yeah. He'll look different now. So don't be scared if he looks different to how he did on the video for this. Yeah, he'll look different. Because he's had hair plugs. Yeah. And they've really started to come in. I saw him the other night. I can't like to see that.

1:22:01Yeah. They've been very well done. Listen to his podcast to Early Worms as well. Early Worms, yes. Go and see Bath Mat, philelliscomedy.com and he's got a brand new bath mat right on his bonks. I mean, I guess edgamble.co.uk. Yeah, fresh hell, my tour. No hair plugs as of yet, but we'll see what happens. New haircut though. New haircut. To the video. Yeah. Looks great. I'm a huge fan of the haircut. James likes the hair. I'd imagine there'll be some comments below saying they don't like it. They're idiots if they don't like the new hair. I love the old hair. Love this new hair so much. Thank you.

1:22:35Very excited about it. Not sure my wife likes it, but that's a discussion we'll have at a later date. Awkward! She pushed it up the other night. She went like that. And then she went, there you are, like the little kid in Hook. Yeah. There you are, Peter. Yeah. There you are, Ed. There you are, Ed Gamble. Edgamble.co.uk. Thank you. Bye.

1:23:28We'll see you next time. As the world's largest podcast marketplace, we let you browse shows, see who's listening, and book host-read sponsorships or run your own ads all from one platform. Transparent pricing, real-time data, complete control. Start advertising on podcasts by visiting acast.com slash advertise.