Pierre Novellie

0:00So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one? We'll see how extendable this extendable table really is. And extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels. From guest-ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust, Wayfair delivers. Rothy's is up to something big.

0:31The famous Flats brand has reimagined their iconic point shoe to be better than ever. To celebrate its 10th anniversary, Rothy's made the point even more beautiful and comfortable than before. Every closet needs a little black flat, and Rothy's makes the best one of all. Discover the point at rothys.com and learn why this timeless shoe is so special. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com. This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change. Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career, and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W.

1:11Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. 75 % of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now. MIDI is virtual care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances.

1:49Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. Midlife needs MIDI. Visit JoinMidi.com to book your first visit today. That's JoinMidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage. Do you keep hearing podcast ads like this one, for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch.

2:24And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise.

2:52Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the beef of conversation, drying it in the hot air of humour, creating the Bodovoz of podcasting.

3:06James Acaster: It's thematic for our guest. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. That was thematic for our guest. And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask their favourite ever start at Manko's dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Sorry to any South Africans out there. Get your dried meats mixed up. Pierre Nivelli! He's South African. Pierre Nivelli is from South Africa, of course. He's a fantastic comedian, author, podcaster, multi-hyphenate, I guess. Yeah, he's brilliant, Pierre. Delighted to finally get him on the pod. Yes, it's been too long. And he's a foodie as well.

3:41James Acaster: He's a foodie. He's part of Ed's little wine crew. We'll get into that later, I hope. I'll be bringing that up. Yes. And even though he is all of these things, we will kick him out if he says the secret ingredient. Ingredient, we need to be able to accept the Bible. And this week, the secret ingredient is... is Blackcurrant Lemsip. I like Blackcurrant Lemsip. Ed doesn't like it. Don't call it Lemsip if it doesn't have any lem in it. So I like it, Blackcurrant Lemsip. I prefer it to normal Lemsip. Ed doesn't like it, doesn't think it should even be called Lemsip because it's not got lemon in it.

4:12James Acaster: We're going to see if Pierre picks it and then we can have that debate. I don't think he will, but it's worth a shot. It's unlikely, but I would like the public and our listeners and our viewers who might be watching this on YouTube right now to discuss it. Yes. And talk about... Tweet Benito. Yeah, tweet Benito. Tweet him. The great Betweeto. The great Betweeto! We've already had Lemsip as a secret ingredient. This is a sequel of sorts. Yeah, Phil Ellis had Lemsip as a secret ingredient. And now we've got Blackcurrant Lemsip, but I guess if they ever do any other flavours... Yeah, which they will, probably.

4:47James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Then we can include that. They'll probably do Biscoff or something. Birthday cake flavour. Or salted caramel. Yeah, something like that. So we'll see. We'll see. We'll see what the boys at Lemsip come up with. Yeah. And girls. I'm assuming it's mainly boys. At Lemsip? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. This is the off-money menu of Pierre Novelli. Pierre Novelli!

5:15Welcome, Pierre, to the dream restaurant. Welcome, Pierre Novelli, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you very much. When you imagine yourself as the genie, are you blue like Aladdin?

5:28James Acaster: I'm as the guest, because it's your dream restaurant, I'm as the guest imagines me each episode. Okay, 100 % Robin Williams, Aladdin kind of thing. Sort of, there's no other genie really in my mind. Who else am I going to, did I see a panto that was better than that film? Yeah, I guess panto genie, but then, you know, it's not as good as Robin Williams. Someone who was in EastEnders? No. Compared to Robin Williams at his height. also like genies have been like you know just like a thing for centuries? people talking about genies? in the west 800 years a long time look this is what's going to be good this episode is when you try and do a bit of history you're clearly just making it up, pulling it out of your arse right we've got Pierre here who knows his shit he literally just said in the west 800 years and you go it's for ages?

6:19both correct I mean but luckily in the case of James yeah but good instincts yeah

6:27James Acaster: yeah good instincts driving towards the facts yeah but not really knowing that they're there also you should be driving I shouldn't be driving I'm a bad driver but I know the history there but yeah I mean Robin Williams yeah in the 90s doing Aladdin yeah and completely changing how everyone sees genies which have been about for centuries and now when everyone thinks about a genie they think of the Robin Williams version that is quite a thing to be like the Coca-Cola Red Father Christmas of genies exactly they're blue now and they're whimsical and they do impressions that make more funny if you were sort of an adult in the 80s yeah I loved it so much if I actually met the genie from Aladdin I think he'd get on my nerves within six minutes stop doing so much you'd have to say to the genie look I'm in the business as well I riff as well just like wishes please when the genie appears to comedians he's like a deadly serious Hollywood agent no fun at all, really serious just give me the rules what are the percentages here imagine the genie when it is a comedian that's rubbed the lamp the genie turns into this like you know when you're on a long car journey to a gig with another comic you don't know that well.

7:50James Acaster: And they go from being really fun on stage to just going like, well, who books that? I can never get in with that person. He's like slagging off other genies. That other genie gets all of the wind. Everyone wants to rub his lamp. And what's wrong with my lamp? I've been doing this for so long. You've got to do panto. You've got to learn the trade. Yeah. He just goes leapfrog straight to Disney? Yeah, straight away. I don't understand why they're doing it. There's all these young genies these days. It's the granting wishes on TikTok. people doing comments they're just popping out the lamp and what chatting to the people who've rubbed the lamp and that's that's good enough now apparently I've been on a show the whole thing I'm touching all these different characters yeah yeah yeah impressions yeah don't learn their craft man yeah for you am I also doing all the characters like Robin Williams and changing into stuff all the time or you want me to be a bit more I think as you yeah but it still looks kind of like that yeah happy to do that yeah yeah yeah how could you do it and what's the lamp like for you what's that like is that the aladdin lamp yeah it looks like I really like how those like moroccan lamps look I guess like lighting lamps with stained glass and things yeah like a sort of an aspect of that to it yeah I don't think I've seen these a stained glass lamp yeah well they're sort of lots of different coloured bits of stained glass in a kind of brass frame hanging from the ceiling I mean these are lighting lamps as opposed to oil lamps like the yeah I never even when I was a kid they would say oh that's a lamp yeah and I'd like look at a lamp in my house and be like it must be two different things yeah they must be for two different purposes lamp must mean something different why can you go inside that one yeah yeah why are you inside that one why has it got a spout yeah I guess in the modern one he should be inside a bulb yeah yeah hammering on a glass bulb yeah you could see him the whole time that's good yeah that's what Will Smith should have been like a Tamagotchi a magical Tamagotchi yeah pops out slaps you yeah surely there's a Tamagotchi movie around the corner you've got to hope so oh yeah yeah yeah happy to see us Jack Black yeah just stick him in it stick him in it Jumanji yeah yeah yeah at the end of the movie is the kid because obviously then you like zoom out and it's all happening inside the Tamagotchi yeah yeah yeah and it's the end of the movie is the kid like pushing a pencil into the button you can push at the back you know Tamagotchi yes it like resets the Tamagotchi well they have to try and convince the big pencil not to do it and also on the poster one of the Tamagotchis is posing with her arms folded and one eyebrow raised because it's an animated film they have to look a little cheeky so the pencil's the villain yeah and it's quite like they're trying to convince that god from their point of view not to reset them even though they keep shitting and the pencil's English I'm a pencil they've got a sort of AI Tim Curry voice they've convinced Tim Curry to sign over the rights to AI generate you know it's the it's the Home Alone 2 voice yeah yeah yeah the finest in New York that's my my favourite part what do you say pizza yeah pizza yeah I watched it recently he doesn't know what pizza is cheese pizza pizza so good in that film really good he's probably the best part of that film yeah I think like and it's a classic every part of that film I love but every time I watch it I go I forget how good Tim Curry is yeah it's just always always interesting for listeners to know this is our second episode recording this day I don't know how far apart the episodes are going to be but this is also our second Home Alone 2 riff of the day wow yeah second of the day it's in the air and if if you can figure out listeners the two episodes that were recorded on the same day yeah tweet the Off Menu podcast and the Great Benito will send you a sign chopping board Off Menu Jigsaw Off Menu Jigsaw if listeners can place episodes in the order in which they were recorded yeah that's a big prize though for a full year for episodes yeah that's good for a full year it's got to be If someone can take this whole series that we're doing now, put them in the order that they were recorded, and send them in, do you know what?

11:48James Acaster: I'm going to say it. Ed and I will also sign the chopping board. Hang on. So in the past when we've been promising sign chopping boards which have never been sent to anyone, are you imagining it's just Ben who's signing the chopping board? Yes. Oh, I see. I thought that went without saying. Belito signs the chopping board and sends it to them. He thought that as well. And he did do it once. Yeah, he did do it once. And that's what he did. you just signed Greg Benito and he sent it so but if someone gets the whole of this series in order yeah we will sign it and we will try and get as many guests who have been on the podcast that series including Pierre yeah to sign that we have to get in contact with like 20 people yeah yeah to sign a shopping board after they've been on the podcast Benito's the one who's going to journey remember that we don't have to do that yeah go around London on a moped yeah yeah just getting signatures flight to LA probably yeah yeah definitely have to go to LA at some point but you're not allowed to take anything apart from the chopping board yeah you just have to take the chopping board that's your luggage enjoy the reaction of the security there or check it in you can check it in yeah you can check it in if you want no one's going to stop you from checking it in yes take a sharpie check the board in and take the pen as hand luggage yeah that's your hand luggage go on with that pop it in the overhead compartment yeah yeah you're not allowed to keep it anywhere else you have to put it in the overhead and you have to insist on going to the overhead.

13:11James Acaster: These are all the rules for you, Benita. Yeah, there you go. Got it. Didn't write any of that. This is only if someone gets them all in the right order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big challenge. Did you use a Sharpie when writing your book, Pierre? Not the best link you've ever done because who would use a Sharpie to write a book? Big book. Yeah. Huge font. How many pages? Well, a lot of pages but it's not a long book. Yeah. You're sending it off to your publisher going I've written 500 pages. Like, Pierre, it's eight words. all in Sharpie yeah you assemble them yeah when you try and print something too big on only A4 all comes out in little segments it's like a birthday banner I do I had a Sharpie with me during the fringe to sign it if anyone wanted it signed after the show nice because Monkey Barrel were kind enough to let me sell it yeah that would have been a better link that was nice a better link would have been and have you signed because we've signed Chopping Board have you signed copies of your new book Pierre why can't I just enjoy things yes to name the book it's a fantastic book that's not Ed out loud about himself I also feel like that.

14:10James Acaster: It's not what the podcast has come to. Midway for an episode. Yes. Why can't I just enjoy things? The subtitle, A Comedian's Guide to Autism. I tried to do a 101 book because I got diagnosed at like 31, I think, around there. And the books were like informative, but very like medically written and quite serious. And also mainly they were written like they were talking to your parents. Right. So you're going to, it's not the most friendly way to, it's not fun either. And also I thought... Everything ends with pass it on. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So tell that little weirdo to... Sharpen up. When was this written?

14:46The 90s? Sharpen up. I don't know. Chapter three, pull your socks up. Yeah. Chapter four, just eat it. Just eat it. Yeah. And so I thought... That was my book. Yeah.

14:58James Acaster: To be fair. If you make it funny, then also like... It's not as hard a sell for like your... your reluctant relative or partner to read right you'd be like no no it's funny like sugar the pill yeah yeah so that was the the plan and what have you have you had much uh like since it's been out in the world if you must have had people like get in touch and say yeah what effect how they found it and like is there anything that sticks in your mind that is like oh good that's exactly what i wanted and that's you know i got a really i've had a few handwritten letters and one the guy sent a letter that was very nice and very like profound about his own life and he attached pictures little polaroids and this is nice it might sound sinister like polaroids of his kids and he's like these are my kids and they're both autistic and now i know i am i can be nicer to them you know that i had and so did he sort of did his diagnosis start with reading your book uh he read the book when he realized how similar his issues as a kid were to his kids issues like live now.

15:59A lot of middle-aged men find out that way. Where they go to somewhere because their kid's having a hard time and the doctor describes a bunch of stuff and they go, but that's normal. But that's life, isn't it? So I get a message from someone like mainly it's like DMs or something. Once every two or three days I think on average. Sometimes you get a bunch in a row and a few handwritten letters. It's very nice. It does make comedy seem a bit more shallow. So you're getting a handwritten letter of the picture of someone's kids going, they're going to enjoy bum jokes just as much as I wish I'd done thanks to your bum joke show.

16:36Okay.

16:36James Acaster: Well, speaking of comedy, you are on tour as well. That's a good link. That's good. Yeah. That was good. But we've been through hell. It's not a good link if you say it's a good link. Do you remember? But that's normal. Yeah.

16:52The show is fantastic. Thank you. And there's a long story in it about beef. Yeah. Which is on brand. Yeah. You arrived here with beef, of course. I did, yeah. Well, it's like a cowboy and his gun, isn't it? Can't go anywhere without it. That's my safe thing. It makes you feel safe. It's like you're constantly worried that you're going to be searched by the beef police. The beef police, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the beef police, in this context, they need you to have beef. They're not policing, but they're policing non-beef. They're policing non-beef. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Sergeant Mintz. Sergeant Sausage.

17:26Sergeant Sausage. Reports to Mayer Mitz. In the beef police. They stink. Yeah, every time I go somewhere, I think, are they going to have beef there? Yeah. That's the first question I ask. I'm planning my life. Are they going to have beef there? I bring my own. Are you eating a lot of beef on tour? I try not to. but you know you know what it's like when you've done a tour show one that's finished maybe unusually early and you're in a major city where you can maybe have something nice as opposed to something terrible late at night and you think I could have a massaman curry yeah sure right now instead of staring at the art choices of whatever I best saw yeah yeah it's tough to resist I've been told

18:18James Acaster: to eat more beef yeah the fuck yeah No, you're speaking my language. Yeah, I've been told that I don't get enough iron. I'd kill for that. And they said just a couple of times a week, just like, you know, if you want to have a steak or something, just like, you should probably do something like that. You got a beef prescription? I was like, let me see some credentials. Because I was like... It's just an old Texan doctor. Yeah. Well, I think you need a little more beef. Yeah. You get it in the background. What's that noise? Are you on a cattle farm? No, no. oh, no, that's a patient. I'm being very unprofessional.

18:55That's someone who's had too much beef. So I'm balanced. I go both ways. I'm telling him to eat less and you to eat more. Yeah. But you're quite a pale man. Is that what it is? You need to look more ready than the face.

19:13James Acaster: You know, this was like a Zoom consultation with a nutritionist who was able to say to me, are you going to do a fight? Are you getting enough beef? Like, you don't look. From the form you filled out and looking at you over Zoom, I think you are not getting enough iron in your diet. It's odd to me that they didn't say have an iron supplement. Well, I do have that. I was prescribed that as well. She said you need to start doing multivitamins, have this one, just have iron in it. But they were like, you know, if you could just every now and again just like get a steak. because we're going through like what I have protein wise.

19:52James Acaster: Yeah. And I was just like, I just don't ever really have. I said I went through a big steak phase in like 2015. Yeah. Where like I suddenly got into steak and I couldn't stop eating them. And it got to the point where I was like, what the hell am I doing? This is insane. I have to stop. Prescribed beef over Zoom is like a modern Tom Waits. Yeah. It's from Singapore. Prescribed beef over Zoom. A quack. whilst I was playing some tin cans in the back. Yeah, yeah. I wish I could. That's a great Zoom call to have. Yeah. That bit of a conversation I loved. You and I are never having that conversation with anyone.

20:30No one's going to... If anyone tells us to eat more beef, it's sarcasm. Yeah.

20:34James Acaster: Yeah. And that's how I pronounce that word. Yeah, sarcasm. Sarcasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love when people do that. The only way anyone's telling me to eat more beef is if they're like, you've got to eat a huge bit of beef just to try and drive the rest of the beef through the arteries. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. Sort of a shock to the system. The only thing that can fix this beef is the bigger beef. It's like Alien vs. Predator in there. It's like when Homer gets stuck in the slide and they send all the kids down. You have what we call beef-dependent organs, and now that you've had this much beef over such a long time, to cut you off now would kill you.

21:09You have to micro-dice beef for the rest of your life. Little meatball. Yeah, little meatball in the morning. Like a pill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just fire it in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

21:19James Acaster: A meatball in a capsule. Yeah. It just dissolves. Yeah. Or just let someone blow-piping it into your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight in there. Yeah. Beef assassin. A little beef assassin. That's what the beef bullies are for. Yeah. They're doing their best. It's like Jack the Ripper, you know. They're humiliated by this guy. Before we get into the menu, are you much of a foodie? Yes and no. So, I think there's three categories and I'm in the middle. There's people who, it's just like fuel. The Joel Domit's. Sure. Where in an ideal world, he would have access to like a kind of Costco version of how they create the NASA food.

21:55Yes. Just tubes. Yeah. Toothpaste. Everything's in a toothpaste tube. Fine. He'd love a meatball fight down his throat.

22:01James Acaster: Oh, he would love it. Yeah. And one that is just so dry. No fat in it. Yeah, yeah. A turkey mince meatball. Oh, God. If you've ever tried to make those. Yes. You just end up adding fat back in. Yeah, yeah. It's a waste of time. So there's people like that. And then there's pure foodies. And I definitely would put Ed in that category, James probably as well, where pretty much every time you have a meal, you think, well, why not make it nice? Yes. It could just be nice. Yeah. The trouble with me is that I can't be trusted. Right? Because when I start thinking, why not make it nice? Then suddenly every day is boxing day.

22:35Yeah. I'm like the food version of someone who can't have one beer. Yeah. I can't. so when i go to a restaurant i am a foodie or when i'm planning to be a foodie or having people over i'll stay up till the other day i stayed up till like 2 a.m dicing the ingredients for like a big pie made a big like a real witch's pie you know from a fairy tale like a desperate damn pie oh yeah it looked great brushing egg on that yeah absolutely then i'll do that but the rest of the time in order to keep myself just fitting in my own clothes i have to eat more like joel domit so I'm half and halfing it so with the restaurants it's fine because someone else is in control of the portions yeah exactly and they know when they are going to stop adding butter well there's no real point where I ever feel like there's enough butter on toast I mean like until the crust is soaked you could add more there's no limit on it I can't at home I try and not keep too many nice things in the house because I think we are quite similar, Pierre.

23:42I think we might be in the same category.

23:46James Acaster: We always start with still a sparkling water, Pierre. Sparkling, I think, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to disrupt whatever's happening in the mouth between bites. But I've got an issue with fizz. I don't know if you guys do this, but I only know one other person who does this consistently or have heard of them doing it, and they're also autistic, so it might be a mouth texture thing. diet coke is my favorite drink of all drinks but to my detriment you know i just think it tastes like the future yeah it's like drinking the inside of a robot's mind yeah that's fair enough but i defizz it by like 30 yeah oh interesting yeah it's just how are you defizzing what's your defizzing method i've got a patented uh if it's in a bottle yeah a series of careful shakes and and and hisses shakes and release shake and release yeah yes yeah tip it tip it to try and get the bubbles back down again, shake and release, do that three times.

24:40Can is harder. Hopefully you're somewhere where you've got a coffee stirrer. Stick that in. Give it a little swizz. Now you're at it. You want to swizz it around or do you just put it in there? Put it in there and swizz it around like you're stirring the Diet Coke. You could do glass to glass as a defizzing method. That's true, and you'd feel like an alchemist. I used to have to do that, and you can really get the height going with how you're pouring it.

25:02James Acaster: I saw someone fuck that up. It's the best thing ever. see the cocktail do the whole thing and then just all over the floor I used to have to do that when I worked in a pub for one of the regulars who didn't want his Heineken to be fizzy oh really? so I had to get two glasses pour a pint of Heineken pour it into the glass pour it back into the glass to take some fizz off the Heineken fully take the fizz or just a little a little bit a little haircut and then he would just leave it for ages as well yeah for a Heineken yeah it doesn't even it was not a nice pub still if you're going to be that fussy yeah if you're going to order a Heineken buddy yeah but I've since found out just now might have been zero divergent might have been a mouth texture send that guy a cover of the book read it in whatever frightening pub he's in now yeah in the corner of the pub going what oh every now and then between sips of post house party flat Heineken calling his mates over I think you might want to read this.

26:05Do you want the sparkling water defizzed a bit? A little bit, yeah. But I would like it to taste like a cave. I like it when it's really, it's not just normal water with fizz in it. Yeah, yeah. There's minerality. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Someone's dropped a chalk thing from a blackboard in there. Overnight. Yeah, yeah. That's what I want. Kidney stones.

26:25James Acaster: Are there like stalactites in the cave? Is that a kind of cave or just a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. People go on tours there. Mm-hmm. Walk around. they try and remember which is stalactites and which is stalagmites there's normally a sort of chart or something in a cave if you're going on a tour it'll tell you which one's which stalactites are holding tightly to the ceiling oh nice I just remember the Harry Hill bit stalactites, stalagmites what a great legacy yeah if you leave one thing behind I went through a phase of watching YouTube videos of people who got trapped in caves. It's my worst nightmare.

27:07It's genuinely my worst nightmare. I can't watch videos of them succeeding.

27:11James Acaster: It is like scariest one with a guy who had gone caving. Is this the Nutty Butty one or whatever? Yeah. The famous one where they couldn't get him out. Well, they couldn't get him out. He was head down. Head down. Jesus Moses Christ. Yeah, it's more about like breaking his legs at the knee to try and get him out. Just die. It's so fucking bad. So hard to explain. Don't call it spelunking. That sounds so fun. Spelunking sounds, yeah, like it involves trampolines. Yeah. This is not spelunking. This should just be called... Death Wish. Death Wish. Yeah. Hades. Finding Hades. I'm just off to do a Hades Death Wish.

27:50Do you want to come? No.

27:51James Acaster: I'm all right, thanks, mate. No, but I'm glad they called it that, so that I can pass immediately. They call it the fucking trampoline gumdrop challenge. Yeah. Yeah, I'll come to that. Yeah, I'll come. What the hell is this? I've got to squeeze into a space that's smaller than me. Spelunking is like a Dr. Seuss thing. Yeah. Little hairy creatures with machines that are covered in horns and springs and things. Oh, it's horrible. I know this isn't exactly what people tune into this podcast to hear this, because I've just remembered the guy getting trapped. Yeah. Head down. Just the amount of things that you start...

28:23James Acaster: Like, every time I've made a mistake in life that cannot be undone, and I am now in trouble, whatever the thing is yeah yeah and it's your fault yeah i think so much why did i do that yeah i think about the little decision the split second decision yeah and think if i could just go back in time and not do that imagine what my life would be like now imagine that and if if i was the amount of time he was upside down headfirst in that cave the amount of time you've got to think to yourself i'm in here yeah why did i not just check if that was the right way because you've gone the wrong way yeah and why did i when i thought oh this is a bit narrow why didn't i just take a second to make sure why did i carry on and now all the blood's rushed to my head i'm upside down in the fucking cave and everyone keeps trying to get me out and i really don't feel like i'm gonna get out of here also i'd be going i hope i don't get out of here because this is so embarrassing yeah yeah yeah yeah i would still want to get out fair enough different people different guys it's not hard to explain I would get out and then if I was as embarrassed as you say I would just go out the cave thank you for asking me and say to all my friends and family who turned up because they were hoping I was going to get out the cave go it's been nice knowing you guys I'm going to go and live a new life now I'm too embarrassed I can't see any of you ever again I'm really glad I got out the cave but I'm not going to we're done you wouldn't live in a field you wouldn't style it out you wouldn't go it was just getting good in there Yeah, yeah.

29:52James Acaster: I was loving it. And you guys are a bunch of wimps. You guys are the ones who panicked. I was about to figure it all out. I was spelunking. Bright red, because all the blood's in your head. Yeah, yeah. Your whole body withered and pale. Just a huge bloody head. Me spending the wrong way like a grasshopper. I liked it. Pop-nops or bread? Pop-nops or bread, Piano Valley? Pop-nops or bread? It's got to be bread for me. Here's what's great about this. We've had many, many meals together. So I know if you're lying. Of course. it's true you guys are big spooky little club we go for dinner same group of us go for dinner a lot and get absolutely hammered it's always like I always tend to see Ed the day before for some reason just coincidentally what you're doing I'm going out with the wine gang going away for the weekend yeah I'm going to be sensible though this weekend I've been you know really healthy lately and I've been really on top of stuff and I do want to maintain that and like I think it'll be quite quiet and I was like well you go and be like Wang and Pierre and like Ollie and people yeah yeah yeah it's gonna I'm just gonna keep it and Freddie by the way just say Freddie because he's the last one and we absolutely got to be messed up Freddie's gonna be there and then and then like literally Ed will go see you later and it's like Ed walks out the door the door swings and then by the time it swung shut he sent me a text of all of you fucking hammered here we are and i've never seen any group of people look more clearly drunk yeah in my life it's always just like the red man some some of you are trying to look sober yeah some of you are not and they're just like going whatever this is we know what's going on here yeah it's always not even trying and it's always trying to communicate in the photo how drunk he is just smiling at the camera really pleased for himself and there's always like a humongous bottle of wine or some like an ridiculous like a pig's head or something yeah yeah yeah in the middle of the table yeah yeah yeah it looks like a henry the eighth diorama yeah and ollie's like this like dad or like really a big big mom who just like breastfeeds their children wine like it seems to be that's what's going on in your group one red one white yeah yeah he's just there with you all just pumping you full of wine constantly and uh and that's the gang it's fun i do i tell you like i i love the meals i love the wine what i can't deal with anymore i think i i am more of a lightweight as i get older yes i can't deal with anymore is pints before and pints after that is an absolute kiss of death to me pints after i feel like um they're more dangerous because we've going from wine to beer and if you go from stronger to weaker it just is like nothing and that's a mistake maybe yeah it is funny though there are like in those pictures there's like a an amount of empty bottles on the table that doesn't match up with the amount of people who are there no not at all and you'd be like props from a school plate trying to suggest like how much wine do grown-ups drink three or four bottles each I imagine completely inaccurate looking yeah yeah yeah yeah so you guys are nuts I'm amazed that I I'm amazed I remember anywhere we've been yeah but what were you going to say because you said we could have been for a few meals together so what's surprising about the bread no it wasn't surprising so I was saying if Pierre was like oh I'm not really into bread I'd be like shut up yeah don't style this out I've seen you you know you can't at any point lie on this podcast exactly it's like a CIA wired up hooked up adds the polygraph I'd never been to an Indian restaurant until I was over 18 until I was at uni because my parents can't deal with spice of any kind and there wasn't really one where I grew up madly maybe there was but it never came up as a thing the Isle of Man for the listeners the Isle of Man, yeah so I moved to the Isle of Man from South Africa the normal thing to have done

33:55yeah and so we just never done it like I'd had things like that but like I wasn't conversant And I remember sort of having to like learn as an adult, like, like I don't know what the difference between a madras and a bune is like to try everything and figure it all out. And I do like papadums, but there's less variety. And I've been to a couple of restaurants where something that they do, where I just think this is dangerous is it's not just, they give you a roll, but there's a whole bread basket and there's like a very dark, like almost sweet rye slice. And there's a pretzel one. that's got that shine.

34:31And then there's white potato sourdough and then there's like, just like bog standard, like baguette piece. Just all this array. And all the places now are doing like whipped anchovy butter. So you can have like normal butter, whipped anchovy butter, the olive oil, the balsamic. Oh man. Yeah. I'm losing my mind. Just thinking about it. And you want these warm? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm and in a kind of rustic basket. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I want.

34:57James Acaster: Did you want to have wove the basket? Wove the basket? Yeah. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah. I want him to have done it. What's he going to sound like when he weaves the basket, James? My name is Andrew. Hello, hello, hello. I'm weaving a basket and it's time to go. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, that's exactly it. I'm going to have to remember the song for a second there. Uncanny. Luckily, I remember the whole song. I love a song where the lyrics are, hello, hello, hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Do you want them to bring the whole basket and put it on the table in front of you? Yeah. Or do you want them to do the thing where they come around with a selection of bread and go, would you like some bread?

35:38Which one would you like? No, I hate that. Yeah. I thought you might hate that. Yeah, I want to say to them, don't toy with me. Leave me with the basket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the bread version of Leave the Bottle from a detective movie. Yeah. Leave the Bottle. I want all of the... Leave it. I want all of the bread. I want the one with seeds. I want the one that's from Denmark. I want all the bread stop messing around of course all the different types of butter very good sir I'll tell the baker I want the butter I want the whipped anchovy stuff and all the fancy ones but I want the normal the plain butter to be from Outer Man creameries Outer Man butter is it's as it's as good in my head as Irish butter is to Irish people Kerrygold and stuff I mean they're very similar places geographically it's really good it's a standard of butter

36:31James Acaster: before we started recording you were saying you're our second South African guest yes after Jojo I think you might also be our second guest who's grown up on the Isle of Man no maybe the Isle of Wight Joe Locke it might be Isle of Man actually I'm not sure I've got excited by Isle of Man I was right I doubted myself Joe Locke So I think you are second Isle of Man, second South African in one man. Yeah. Yeah, combined. Yeah. Like Jojo and Jo Locke have done that Dragon Ball Z finger-touching thing, and I've popped out. Jojo Jo. Jojo Jo. Jojo Jo Locke. And we've got no shout-outs for the butter during that episode.

37:14Well, did he mention the seafood? We mainly talked about him having a fake assistant. Oh, yes, of course. I'm not a big seafood guy, but I've always been told how good the seafood is on the Isle of Man. And it was backed up by your friend and mine, Phil Wang, because I was doing a gig there with Phil and Chloe Petz. And we went and did a gig there. And Phil just went to some high street place in Douglas. I'm not sure where. And he just had like a seafood pasta maybe or something. He was blown away by it. And I trust it. And he's a man of delicate princely tastes. So I trust him. Queenies are from the Isle of Man.

37:50That's a big thing. They're like massive scallops. They're from like the, the water's very, very clean. So I think maybe that's part of it. And Lockton Lamb, you'd like Lockton Lamb there because they've got four horns and they look like the devil. Their skulls look like the devil's skull. I'd love that. Yeah, they look really fracky. It's a new tattoo for... Really rare lamb. I've seen Queenies and, Manx Queenies and Manx Lockton Lamb on pretentious menus before. Oh, really? So someone out there is, you know in London or Paris is flying these things in and they've got a good reputation but yeah I'm not it's wasted on me I'm not a big seafood guy so yeah that's where I don't want the

38:25James Acaster: butter to be from what do you think about when Phil got trapped in the snowman costume you hear about that no what big deal big deal over Christmas yeah yeah my parents were texting me about it because uh it was he was on a some tv show they watch uh some like you know the death of terrestrial TV. You know, one of those parents films. One of the ones where you've got to watch it at the time it's on. Do you remember those? A detective drama. Yeah. Like one of those ones. Yeah. It's like on a seaside town or something and there's like, you know, a detective knocking about. Yes, yeah, yeah. And just one of the, you know, I don't think I'm doing Phil down by saying I think it was the C plot.

39:07James Acaster: But, uh... I mean, it doesn't sound like the A plot. You can see why terrestrial tell he's on its way out. Someone sabotaged your snowman. Do you have any enemies? Yeah. Just a wrench. But yeah, he's someone for the whole episode is knocking around the station in a snowman outfit and they're there because they can't get out of it. They're trapped in it. And every now and again you go back to them, they're chatting to people and stuff. And mum said it was so brilliant at the end where they finally get, pull the snowman's head off and it's Phil Wang. are you sure they weren't watching The Masked Singer and got really mixed up yeah and was trying to take it off she went to the toilet your dad turned it over yeah yeah whoa Phil Wang's on it the detective's got a velvet jacket yeah yeah but like yeah she was but obviously my mum is like it was so great it was Phil Wang the whole time he was so brilliant she said he was so convincing the whole time just so convincing as a snowman someone was stuck in a snowman outfit obviously my dad's response is just I don't think it was him the whole time I think Phil got someone else to just do all the scenes where he's got the snowman head on.

40:13James Acaster: And then he probably only did the scene where they took it off. So obviously I had to text Phil and go, my parents are having a debate about this. And Phil was like, it was me the whole time. And I was like, well, you proved my dad wrong, but probably the first time someone's proved my dad wrong and I've lost respect for them. I think, normally. I'd be like, well, you beat my dad. But I was like, well, you were in the snowman for the whole time. Why do you agree to that? Why do you do that? I'm crazy. You're in Wonka. You're in Wonka, man. I hope he'd sellotaped an iPad to the snowman's inner face so you can at least watch stuff.

40:50James Acaster: Hang out and just, yeah. My God. Yeah, you can FaceTime the group. Yeah. You guys. When are we next getting together, I'm in a snowman outfit. Absolutely gasping for some wine. Snowman's just muttering about wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ollie would have given me some wine by now. What did you say, snowman? Nothing.

41:10your dream starter your menu proper now so choosing stuff like this it's a it's a different it's a difficult choice between my my thing when i go to a restaurant is always never anything i can do myself yeah otherwise why am i here yeah and also with something like this in my dream restaurant it's very tempting to fill the entire thing with like nostalgia choices so this is my this is my nostalgia choice is the starter that's what i'm spending it on yeah nostalgia when i was a kid uh my mom would always make me uh an in hindsight autistically specific type of cheese on toast so it's like slice of normal bread yeah normal cheese and then as a kid i'd watched like conan the barbarian the cartoon not the quite adult film yeah there was a mad cartoon from the 80s that was on tv in south africa that i was obsessed with and there was a lot of like grinding of herbs and potions and things.

42:03So I was like a potions kid. I know exactly what you mean by potions kid.

42:09James Acaster: I think we're all potions kids, right? We're probably all potions kids. I like potions, sure. I tried to make George's marvellous medicine. Same here, exactly. Yes, bingo, bingo. We're going in so much trouble with Alex Rosedale's mum. We raided a medicine cupboard. Oh, God, really? I tried to get my dad to drink it. There was bleach in it. Bleach in it. Me and my friend, my friend George, that's why we did it. Yeah, of course, if your friend's called George. At a birthday party at his house. Far, bleach. Yeah, well, that's one of the things we put in there. Yeah, well, we went to my dad, drink that, and he was like...

42:42James Acaster: It's blue, you made it blue. What is in this? It has to be blue, yeah. Yeah. I'll be like, no, it's fine, dad. Snickering. It'll shrink you. It really got told off. Yeah. Yeah. He tried to kill his dad. Yeah. I think mine was stuck with mainly like, I think it was made pretty clear to me to try not to make any medicine from under the sink. Yeah. But I did waste, I think, a lot of nice bathroom products creating mad revolting potions. Yeah. But the herb aspect, I was very entranced by the spice rack. The idea of mystical leaves that you can add to things and change them. I thought that was great.

43:16I was just so mean. So cooking is like potions. Exactly. Add these herbs. Yeah. Ah. You know, it'll protect you against the snake king or whatever. brackets make the stew nicer both good and I was obsessed with, I think maybe it was just the one that my mum had the most of so she was like whatever, so cheese on toast normal oregano it's also the best one for cheese on toast dried oregano from the shaker shaking it on, the magic herbs just make cheese on toast basically into pizza essentially it's basically, yeah exactly, it's like ready made pizza flavor on the nose and then sliced sort of discs of cheap frankfurters.

43:58Like cheap hot dogs. Oh, this is a piece. Yeah, and they're arranged. This is where the autistic stuff comes in. Yeah, spot where the autism comes in. It's like a hazard awareness test. And they are arranged. Perfectly symmetrical. Yes, in like a chessboard formation. Wow, you're really doubling down on this. Loads of toothpicks. I eat it on a plastic table. and a dot I would put a dot of ketchup on each great so it tastes the same each bite yeah it tastes the same in each bite and you have each bite has one frankfurter thing in it yeah so you're like eating it like chocolate in squares yeah yeah god forbid you accidentally take too big a bite and take half a piece of frankfurter off oh my god yeah oh my god yeah all in the bin

44:46James Acaster: on top of the stilton every follow yeah

44:51sorry about that if that happens then every subsequent bite has to be like that yes of course and will the maths add up by the end or will the final bite be a miserable frankfurtilous corner only time will tell my mum's name is Claire, I'm going to call that Clairebit South African Clairebit South African Clairebit yes please Clairebit yeah Clairebit South African Clairebit South African Clare bit. That's my starter. I'm having a... For my starter, I'm trying to turn myself into the Ratatouille food critic. Yeah. I can have my psychic flashback moment. It'd be so funny if in the film Ratatouille, it wasn't Ratatouille that did it, but it was South African Clare bit.

45:36People watching it going, what is that? Is that from something?

45:40James Acaster: But then the film would have to be called it as well. The film would be called South African Clare bit. Which doesn't make sense because there's no rat pun. Where's the rat pun? I'm like, bit like, rats can bite you? Like a bit? Yeah, Claire bit? Bit by the rat? Bit by the rat? Is a rat called Claire? What's going on? I think if you put it in with enough authority, because it's all set in France, people would go, oh, I guess it's some French thing. Yeah, yeah. And then you find out, no, it's that the food critic is South African. Yeah. Growing up in South Africa, their mum Claire used to cook them.

46:11James Acaster: Very specific, cheese on toast. That cut scene would be a lot longer. Yeah, it's so long. And then the rat somehow knows about this. Yeah, the rat found it out. Or the rat had the same upbringing, but for a rat. The rat's psychic or something. You can't control people with their hair like that. Yeah, yeah. I think what's happening is the rat's... It's got some weird avatar thing where he grabs your hand, he's plugged into your brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, like, you know, we've gone on record many times saying how much I love Ratatouille. Yeah. Everyone says, like, just the perfect film. And it is.

46:43James Acaster: Yeah. But you can't control people by pulling their hair. No, let's be honest. That is the only thing. Well, I guess it's a cartoon, and we have to do a leap, and it's a talking rat, and there's loads of talking rats and all of this, and obviously it's just a laugh. Yeah. But that leap, I'd say it's bigger than the rest of the leaps. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a huge leap. Yeah. Like, you just have to just immediately go, oh, well, I'm just going to accept that, but... I don't know, man. I'd say talking rat is a big leap, too. Well, you're used to that in cartoons. That's true. In cartoons, yeah.

47:11It's gotten more precedent.

47:12James Acaster: Yeah, as soon as you're in a cartoon, you assume the animals can talk. Yeah, yeah. It's scary if they were acting like actual rats. Yeah, you'd be more worried by the ones that aren't talking. To link people's hair and stuff. Then it would be like, I'd be on the side of everyone in that kitchen. Get them out. Get them out of the kitchen. This is awful. Yeah, they can't choose when to go to the toilet. They shouldn't be in a kitchen. That's never addressed. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy how much the head chef is just like, he's the bad guy and he mostly doesn't want a rat in the kitchen. Yeah, he's just completely right.

47:42James Acaster: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's 100 % right. Oh, yeah. Especially on one of his chef's heads. Yeah. They end up getting him sectioned or something at the end of it. Like fully gaslight him to the point where it's just like he's sectioned. It's like when you get older and you watch all those kids films and the dad is working too much. Yeah. They've got this huge American house. And you're like, kid, do you want to live in that fucking house? Yeah.

48:15decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house. Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Most women have been there. Something feels off. You don't feel like yourself. Yet your doctor says everything looks fine. Spoiler, it's your hormones. Midi is a virtual care platform built for women by women and offers specialized hormone care from trained clinicians.

48:52Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. It's not you, it's your hormones. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit. That's joinmidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage. Rothy's is up to something big. The famous Flats brand has reimagined their iconic point shoe to be better than ever. To celebrate its 10th anniversary, Rothy's made the point even more beautiful and comfortable than before. Every closet needs a little black flat, and Rothy's makes the best one of all. Discover the point at rothys.com and learn why this timeless shoe is so special.

49:31That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com. This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change. Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career, and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev.

50:10Do you keep hearing podcast ads, like this one for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast, and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts, choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch. And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise.

50:53The Dreamman course. Dreamman course. So there's been a lot of stake choices. and is it a coincidence that one of your most prominent autistic guests Dan Aykroyd chose basically what I wanted to do I was like fuck when he chose it big mix grill all that man I was annoyed but you can still have that yeah but you want to leave your own mark on things you want to be you are very much like Ed

51:20James Acaster: this is Ed as well won't order the same thing that someone else has ordered exactly I try to not do that anymore because now that's become a thing that people think I do. So I have to give myself a talking to before I go and eat with people that if it happens, it's fine because people will be like, oh, well, no, I won't order that because you're ordering that and I know you don't like that. So now I have to be like, no, I'm fine with it, actually. I'm all right with it. Actually, I think it's brilliant. But I don't know why you would. I don't know why you'd want to do that. Resenting having to be on brand.

51:53Yeah. It's like, fine, you can do it. Just to let you know, I think you're mad. When they say that to you, oh, you don't like it if I did that, just slam the menu down and say, I'm not a cartoon character. Get really angry. I'm a gamble on my own man. I'm a real person. I'm a lovely boy. I'm not the same every day. Not a character in South African, Clarebet. So you want a big mix grill? The main course is a braai platter. So a braai is a South African barbecue. B-R-A-A-I. And I would like a kind of general sort of sharing platter of all the things that you would get on a braai. So, sassartes are basically it's like a kebab, like skewer.

52:39I honestly thought it was going to be sausages and I was going to get you of making it up. Oh, sausages are coming. Sassartes. Yeah, yeah. Sassartes. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's pronounced sausages, Pierre.

52:49James Acaster: That would be funny. It's very dry mouth. We thought you were saying so he thought you were saying loads of South African words and actually you just have never learned how to say these English words it's because they're very salty I like these sausages

53:09how are the sausages? can I have a plate of sasasies? this is his favourite this is his favourite sort of thing Claire bit as well people are like it's a word that is immediately funny to say in a stupid voice and I could do that all day

53:25James Acaster: yeah yeah he loves it and I've heard him do that voice before oh yeah yeah yeah he loves it really timid yeah plate of shashat it's his favourite food yeah yeah yeah sorry you're gonna have to move on otherwise we'll get stuck on this you know when you have like chicken satay oh satay is funny in that voice as well but yeah carry on yeah yeah yeah yeah little little dehydrated mouth little boy yeah yeah satay is the same word in sasati because the the south african food's got a lot of like chutney and sweet and sour and spice and things yeah a lot that's from malaysia yeah and indonesia because the dutch trade routes so sasati's are that's the african's word for sauce and then satay same thing yeah yeah so you get a skewer and it will be like marinated it's generally mutton but it could be anything whatever yeah and you're marinated in like fried chilies and garlic and tamarind i think there's a a lot of tamarind happening.

54:20Yeah. You put it on the skewer with dried apricots, red onions, peppers, and then you barbecue that. Amazing. So you just have a bunch of societies of whatever meat. Let's say locked in lamb. Yes. Let's, let's bring it back. Yeah. This is your, your two, your two fusion dish. Yeah. Nice. Restaurant shuts down. This is in two days.

54:41James Acaster: If you were like on one of those cooking competition shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would be something that you would do. And they would go, Oh, and speak about, because this is very personal to you, isn't it, Pierre? Yes, yes, yes. And you'd be able to speak about those. Is this fusion both of my cultures? Yes, yeah, exactly. I would do my long nostalgic thing to try and put some emotional resonance inside some food. Yes. And then it would cut to... Well, you'd fail miserably because you'd start it by saying, ah, is this my time to put some emotional resonance into the food? Yes, and they'd say, well, we'll cut that.

55:08And we'll get you to say a bunch of stuff. And then we'll cut back to a reaction shot, clearly filmed on a different day. And also a picture of you when you were a kid that we slowly zoom in on. Yeah, like... but too slowly yes yes yes so satis burrvors and now now that is that is a sausage now we are talking about this yeah so burrvors is like sort of it's the closest thing it's like a Cumberland sausage it's in a big spiral so you get a big spiral of it but it's mainly beef but you can mix in people mix in a certain amount of pork or lamb as well sometimes both and I knew a guy who would make his own and he would mix in pork fat because it would liquefy whereas lamb and beef fat sometimes it stays in those chunks which are fine but he would mix in fat that he knew would liquefy and spread throughout the whole spiral because when you cut into a burro of horses you want a bit of an explosion you don't want to ever prick it or pop it or anything until it's ready to eat and I would break my heart as a kid watching people like oh these sausages are nearly done I'll just pop them so all the juice leaves lovely evaporated juice enjoy your dry cylinder I would hate that break my heart and I've tried I can never remember all the things that are in you as a kid oh yeah that breaks my heart that broke my heart that broke my heart Buravos has in it coriander cloves nutmeg allspice dark vinegar or red wine vinegar all mixed in those are the ingredients so there's a slight vinegary aspect to it there's a bit more spice in it than you would think spice brackets It's exotic as opposed to spice brackets hot.

56:49There's chili versions, garlic versions, etc. So, bourrevos, definitely. All done on coals, ideally. You want that real carcinogenic flavour to it. Yeah. Real singed. Yeah. Like, this is bad for me. It's like I'm smoking while I'm eating. Yeah. That's what I want. Great. That's a true compliment to me, isn't it? Yeah. I feel like I'm having a fag. Yeah. I'm going to stub out this sausage like a big cigar. Absolutely. So, Sassati's bourrevos, lamb chops, which here are expensive. Yeah. But in South Africa, these chops on the braai would be like the easy, cheap thing. Yeah. We would have a karu, lamb.

57:25That would be nice. Lamb chops with lemon juice on. Try and cut through that fat. Because, I mean, they are fatty. I once went to a braai where they had, separate to all the beef and lamb, just two whole chickens that they did. One that had been marinated quite quickly, because otherwise the lemon juice cooks the chicken. You get like chicken. What's the thing with fish? chicken ceviche you get chicken ceviche which is gonna be on your death certificate yeah yeah yeah cause of death shat himself to death brackets chicken ceviche no way ate some chicken ceviche and then went spelunking he was upside down in a cave firing liquid shit out of himself drowned himself yeah drowned in his own shit that must be a lesson teach kids with a tiktok trend for spelunking and chicken ceviche that had been marinated I think the longest you can really do is like an hour or two before it starts to get out of hand so like thyme and rosemary and lemon and the other one had been marinated all night in peri peri because of course Nando's is South Africa yes everything says Portuguese yeah it's just a weird business with an aesthetic that confuses people that's all but in South Africa it's much more like McDonald's like you'd go like Nando's like drive-thru you wouldn't sit in and do the whole thing really Nando's drive-thru.

58:49Yes, please.

58:50James Acaster: Because it's Nando's, is there a separate window on the drive-thru for cutlery and stuff? I keep asking if you've driven here before. Yeah, yeah. Then on to the next one. Do you want olives? Yeah. Yeah. All the different sauces. Yeah. Every window. Or you've got to go through like a car wash thing and just hold the food up to squirt the sauce. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yes, so you've got to have peri-peri, I think. It's such a national obsession. Yeah. Obsession. It's got to be on there. So wide range of meat. Am I missing anything else out? Can I have like the, the braille, the other things that come with the braille that aren't the meat?

59:25James Acaster: Let's have them. Yeah. So like pop, I think Jojo had pop his choice where it's like mealy, mealy flour kind of, it's, it's like mashed potato, but from corn, cornmeal flour. Yeah. So that's good. And like a very basic, you can add chili if you want, but like just tomatoes and red onion salsa. Yeah. That kind of thing. You've had shakalaka. Yes. You've had shakalaka. I made some shakalaka. and I ate it. Good? Yeah, it was lovely. What is shakalaka? Sort of beans in a kind of thick tomato and ginger and chilli sauce. It's really nice. You can make it sweet by adding like apple chutney and stuff.

59:58Mrs. Ball's chutney. That's the national brand. Which is a very funny name. Yeah. Mrs. Mrs. Balls. Oh, yeah. Mrs. Ball's chutney. Yeah, going on about Ball's chutney. Yeah. It's also my drag name. Mrs. Ball's chutney.

1:00:12James Acaster: Mrs. But just Mrs. Balls. Mrs. Balls. Yeah. I'd do Bulls Chutney like a hyphen, like a double battle. Oh, yeah. Mrs. Bulls Chutney. That's really a better drag name. That's someone... I was thinking Mrs. Bulls, and then I wouldn't have to tuck properly. I could just... My thing could be my balls are always hanging out. Yeah. You're not getting booked very much. And you'd have to be dressed like Mrs. Bulls is on the label. Yeah. Early 1900s. I'd be huge in Johannesburg. Like, I could just go over there and do all the drag clubs in Johannesburg. It gets nothing in the UK. Every now and then, someone goes, Oh, I've seen that.

1:00:45Yeah, there's that shop in Paddington Station. Oh, right. I guess you look like a lady. What a weird thing to do. Balls Chutney is a posh surname. Yeah, Balls Chutney. That's someone who's at the coronation.

1:00:57James Acaster: Yeah. And no one makes fun of them in those circles. No. No, no. Because they don't see why that would be funny. They're so used to it. If you pointed out it was funny, they'd take a second and go, oh, yeah, I suppose. Probably not really the sort of thing to bring up at an event like this. You need to either be really polite or incredibly rude. Yeah. Those are the rules in that kind of event. Yeah. Astoundingly self-confidently rude. Yeah. Or like insanely Jeeves perfect polite. Yeah. Anything in between is not interesting. Yeah. It's like you don't know what you're doing. They want one or the other.

1:01:31Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing funny about balls chutney. Excuse me. Lord Cuntington, do you think there's anything funny about balls chutney? Great.

1:01:41James Acaster: I love the braai. I love the sound of all of this. Yeah. you can absolutely have all of it there are little extras there are they your dream sides or do you want that as part of your main part of the main yeah as part of a kind of sharing platter aspect of it and you know generic barbecue sides all around the world potato salad coleslaw no salad because it is such a big I'm not doing that there's apricots on the society yeah you got your five a day with the apricots who do you want at the bride because like I think an event like that I'm absolutely going to let you have all that different food but I think I need to know that there are more people there because you got a it's a social event yes I think that's right I think eating that amount of meat for me personally if I was alone I'd feel awful about it what if you had a next to you a little hobbit singing a sad song like Denethor I'd feel like noisily eating the tomato I'd feel better about that, I guess.

1:02:47But I think if I'm eating more than two meats, I need other people there. Yes, that's a good rule. Yeah. That's a good rule. And bribes are social, you know. I had a teacher on the Isle of Man who was South African. At the end of term, he would do like a big barbecue thing. But I mean, he really, he got an oil drum, an old oil drum. He cut it in half just with like a table saw. And he'd fill it with coals. And he'd like built himself from like bits of metal, a spit. And he'd buy a whole lamb and cook it on an oil drum with a really long handle that he made.

1:03:19James Acaster: At what point during this did he get fired as a teacher? Promotion after promotion. Stop doing this in lessons. You can get crackling off a lamb. And it's so salty and fatty and it comes off in little panels. Oh, it's good. If I could have something sprinkled on the braille platter, it would be that lamb crackling from that. Powdered lamb crackling. You can have that. In shards. But it's not tough. to get through like pork. Here's a twist on the guests. You're allowed three guests and they all have to be called Bri. So short for Brian. Short for Brian. I think Brian May is a vegetarian. He doesn't want to come.

1:03:59James Acaster: I don't know if he is. He's like playing the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was once walking through Gravesend in Kent and did a gig there and I was walking back to the train station and I heard someone doing sick. like Jimmy Hendrix stuff and I was like is someone like practicing with their window open or something but it was winter so I thought what is that fucking and I looked around and I was walking past a restaurant where there was just a guy in the corner just wailing it's like the in restaurant music that's funny but he was doing like full on like the guitar's about to burst into flame sick solos 70's stuff people are just like yeah yeah no one even fucking looking at it people just hunched over lasagnas people just slowly ignoring this incredible riff master I just remembered on my birthday my friend Graham had texted me and he said that he'd been listening to The Police again and he was like what kind of stuff you've been listening to he said just keep listening to every breath you take all the time and I was like okay and then I went out that night I went straight into a bar that night and there was a guy in the corner playing Every Breath You Take which I'd never heard someone do that so then I filmed it, sent it to Graham going, what a coincidence, I've just realised now I've not got a reply to that that was weeks ago, that was like over a week ago so you very juicily replied to him saying I'm listening to Every Breath You Take a lot and you'd be like, as a friend Because we're only just like, all right, I'm doing your favorite thing.

1:05:42You've found a video of it and he's obviously gone, all right. Who cares? Yeah, who cares about that? You've got to give that at least a that's mad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got to give it a that's mad or like a little shocked emoji or something. Come on, Graham. Yeah. You can't. Blanking, it's even worse than thumbs upping it. Yeah. I've got nothing. I've moved on to Fields of Gold now. Yeah, yeah. The solo stuff. I'm trying to think of famous Bryans. Yeah. Still on the Bryans. Brian Blessed. Brian Blessed. He is going to help me. He would love a Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian's Brian. He'd be all over that.

1:06:14Yeah.

1:06:14James Acaster: I'd love to hear him. You'd be ripping apart those turkeys. So sartes! Yeah. And you'd be screaming. Yeah. So sartes! That would be brilliant. Did I ever tell you by the time I shot myself on Everest? Yes, Brian. Say it again. When you arrived, we'd love the storm. Tell me if it tastes like Yeti or not. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Definitely he's there, Blessed. Brian Blessed is there. He's brim-made there wailing on guitar. Sure. He'd be playing in the corner like that guy was at the restaurant. He can eat what he can have the salsa. I'm just assuming yeah he can have the salsa. Eat around the lamb on the society.

1:06:48He can shakalaka. He can have the shakalaka. That's true.

1:06:50James Acaster: He can have the shakalaka and he can play boom shakalaka on the guitar. Yes he can. I don't know if he's a vegetarian. Or shakalaka. But he loves badgers so much. I think he's he's either veggie or vegan I think. He's gotta be. Yeah yeah. No one loves badgers that much and still eats meat. Yeah. that's my view I fucking hate badgers yeah one of the only animal that is a cunt I think comes across bad in Wind of the Willows yeah standoffish and it's like it gets worse in real life they're not even dressed yeah have some fucking respect one chased me down the street once yeah they're aggressive man yeah I can't see Benito because he's behind a camera gotta assume he's laughing at that he already put his head in his hands because I called the badger a cunt yeah yeah but justifiable yeah they chased you horrible on the pavement chasing you yeah we had a showdown I was walking back to my mum's house late at night this is like suburban London and it was just in front of me on the pavement I was like well I'll keep walking because it'll run off because it's an animal yeah and then it was like nope and came at me wow nails on the pavement I can't believe this claws people people wait outside badger sets for hours trying to catch a glimpse of a badger you run away from it I had to cross the road, yeah if my mum was out walking in a badger she'd have her fucking face ripped off towards her she would love it if the badger ran at her like that, it was scary man she would stand there and be like I can't believe I'm getting to see a badger she'd be the first person killed in a horror film about a badger what if in that show hello badger, how are you?

1:08:25what if in that show of trust and faith the badger's like sprinting up to your mum and then it's just like that stupid video where the lion recognises the guy and just hug him yeah straight into a hug yeah you didn't

1:08:36James Acaster: consider that Ed yeah I didn't consider that because I don't I don't know your mum's history with badgers whether she she brought up a baby badger and now it's in the wild I wouldn't put it past her either she's a lovely woman if you're listening mum tweet the podcast with the answer to the question and Benito send you a sign job and we'll and we'll get a badger to scratch their signature in it a badger will sign it yeah we'll discover that Ed missed out on the chance of having a badger going Edward how are you hi dear boy little Narnia badger just trying to get you to pick up arms and join the fight against the queen honestly if I went through to Narnia and I didn't know Narnia was a thing and that badger came up to me or who else was there there's beavers and stuff I'd batter them I'd like kick their heads off don't Mr Johnson to death just immediately they think shut that cupboard people who come through there are horrible awful book if it was Ed who went there well there was an Ed who went there and he wasn't great yeah he was easily swayed by the Queen which he would have straight away I would be swayed so quickly so hard hot goth lady giving me Turkish delight taking you to a palace hello fit goth lady yes I'll get in your sledge no one has ever called the Queen of Narnia fit she's so fit are you kidding me no one has ever talked about her in this way I've never heard this she's so fair I'm going to turn you down and live in a tunnel with some rats and eat whatever they dig up from the frozen earth yeah no it's a bad sell we need one more Brian before we can move on Brian Adams of course yeah are there any other famous Brians that I'm forgetting I've heard of Brian Clough don't know anything about football Brian Cox Brian Cox Brian Cox of course you've got two Brian Cox's of course have them both there and then the succession one can have a a shout-off with Brian Blessed.

1:10:26Yeah. Sausages! He can do the sausage. When I bring up the burro-vores, he can shout sausages like he does in succession and everyone will go, ah, I saw you in there. It's quite a loud party, really, isn't it? You go, oh, sausages! And then fuck off! It's the bellowing Brian's bride. Yeah. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one?

1:11:05We'll see how extendable this extendable table really is. And extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels. From guest-ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust, Wayfair delivers. Rothy's is up to something big. The famous Flats brand has reimagined their iconic point shoe to be better than ever. To celebrate its 10th anniversary, Rothy's made the point even more beautiful and comfortable than before. Every closet needs a little black flat, and Rothy's makes the best one of all. Discover the point at rothys.com and learn why this timeless shoe is so special.

1:11:44That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com.

1:11:55the dream side dish so I'm missing out a lot of stuff that I like in this because it's a tough choice yes I'm missing out how much I love Sichuan things yes Tian impression next to Arsenal Stadium I've never been but I've heard wonderful things it's just so good it's my cucumber yeah I like I've learned so much about Chinese food genuinely through just going for dinner with Phil over and over again in my life chicken's feet you know I mean they're fine it's basically just chicken crackling on a creepy stick I think the only reason to eat chicken's feet is if you're with someone who would never eat chicken's feet and you show off to them yes that's true like the kind of food equivalent of that thing where you scare kids by pulling your thumb off whoa I'm willing to do this got your nose got your chicken feet there used to be a place when me and Phil were at uni together it was the first time I had salt and pepper chicken and it was like little you know battered chicken kind of lumps yeah nuggets yeah and you know tossed in chili and and and spring onions and garlic and all that and it was so good and i want that but with szechuan chili oh yeah let's go a bit numb yeah yeah because i can't not put fried chicken somewhere in this yeah yeah it's just the best one yeah it's the best kind of chicken yeah that there is and as much as you know i am hitting some of my my my my tastes for for for more like flavors from like southeast asia or whatever with the society is a little bit and mrs ball's chutney is around sure why not mrs ball is there looking over the garden fence offering chutney from a mad fruit tree um i need to yeah i want the szechuan chili yeah salt and pepper chicken beautiful

1:13:39James Acaster: yeah I mean I had some Szechuan fried chicken recently oh man and it was like a massive drumstick as well where I was just like how is this a chicken but like yeah so good like I wish I wish it had been a whole yeah when you're eating something and you're like this is too big to be on the animal that I think it's from yeah you're just like you've got to ignore the backstory and just eat it right not interested yeah just you're too late it's too late you're really hungry you just want to eat it I don't know I don't want to know what lab this is coming from you might never know well done who ever invented this.

1:14:09Yeah. Fine, fine, fine.

1:14:11James Acaster: So we talked about going to Disney World before and get the turkey leg and you're like, I don't know, I think this might be a dog. And it would not be a small dog from what I've seen in the pictures. It's not a handbag dog, is it? No, no, no. A handbag dog would be like one of those things you have to eat with the bones, like a sardine. Just eat the whole handbag dog. Just crunch it all down. Just crunch it all down. It's nice. The eyes get crispy. When I was a kid in school, there was like this story, I mean, this kid coming in and saying that somebody knows had a little chihuahua and a cat, and that they came down one morning, and the cat was just sitting there, there's just a tail popping out of its mouth, because it had eaten the chihuahua.

1:14:54And I believed that for so long.

1:14:58James Acaster: I was like... And it didn't slap it like spaghetti, the tail? Yeah, like it was just there, and just the tail just hanging out of its mouth like that. I don't know where he is I still think about it every time I see one of those little dogs and I think how did I fall for that well now I'm going to think about it every time I look at one of those dogs a cat swallowing a whole chihuahua eating a chihuahua like that and I think the story was like they had loads of yapping from the kitchen and it got more and more intense they went down to see what had happened and then the yapping became muffled from inside the cat the burping cat I guess if the tail's there, the chihuahua's like head first upside down, like it's gone caving.

1:15:40James Acaster: Like they're just down the gullet. Like that, just trapped. And it's thinking, oh, if I just made one decision differently. Wish I hadn't done all that yapping. Just not yapping. Wish I hadn't dived directly into this cat's mouth. Wish I hadn't spelunked into this cat's mouth. Also, it's quite close to the... It's not a long enough dog for the tail to... I don't think it's true here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the point. I was lied to by a kid at school I believed all the lies I got some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bubble bath and I ran my mouth off about it before I actually used it you know at school just like I got this bubble bath can't wait to use it at home so called turtles and this kid went I got a bubble bath I used it once and the bubbles when they come up rise up in the bath that bubbles rise up in the shape of the turtles and I was like Like something out of Fantasia?

1:16:36James Acaster: I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, just out of the bubbles. What do you mean? Hang on, what? What were you talking about? It was like, it's like they're full bodies. He said, they come up. Such a stupid lie. He said, they've all got their weapons, so you can tell which one it is. Yeah, otherwise you wouldn't know. Yeah, you can tell which one it is. And he was saying the pose, he's like, Raphael's got the foot, but he crossed the two fours. Oh, wow. And I was like, what the? And you were slamming him up against the wall by his lapels. What do you mean? I'm like I can't believe this you're going miss I feel sick I need to go home early because you're so desperate to have a bath just rolling in the break time I remember I remember being in the bath and putting and just like I wanted to be in there as it happened I didn't want to just be seeing it outside the bath I'm sitting in there in the warm you'll be amongst it so you're like one of the turtles you're pouring that with a shaking hand oh shit I'm splinter I'm hanging out with these guys and the bubbles just come up obviously normal maybe there was a point where I tried to convince myself that it was a bit like Donatello but like at the top of his head at the top of a turtle's head he's coming he's crowning a bunch of fucking bubbles never seen someone look so miserable in a bubble bath just sitting there little kid absolutely gutted so much less than you were promised yeah I remember going into school the next day and for some reason and it's I mean pretty on brand for me running across the playground fell over yeah as on only time beneath has laughed all up yeah yeah loves it as I'm face down in the playground that same kid runs up to me yeah and he kind of like jumps on my back and goes are you alright you alright mate and I went I'm not your mate and I don't remember the rest of the conversation you must have laid it out to him while you weren't I must have gone are you fucking kidding me yeah I sat in that bath and you know what I'm about to say don't even act like you don't my fingertips are still wrinkled yeah yeah there's no turtles don't come up in the shape of the turtles he would yeah but he definitely he played me for a mug if you're lying about that he's then just gonna go like oh it's a different type or something yeah mum and pay for the special one yeah mine's from America yeah the circle bubbles you saw were the turtles in their shells yeah yeah yeah they were shy they were still in their shells yeah yeah yeah they were still in their shells and that's what your parents only bought the shell ones kids double down on those kind of lies yeah he would have doubled down stupid kid if you're listening you know who you are now I don't often say this out loud on the podcast, but how did we get here?

1:19:05Ah. Chicken. Chicken. Fried chicken. Fried chicken. Dog leg. Dog leg. Lies at school. Yes. Turtles bubble bath. Yes, we got it. The anatomy is there. All laid out. Fantastic. Easy. Right.

1:19:24Your dream drink, Pierre. It's difficult with a dream drink, because if it's a wine, then it's only one wine. And there's a lot of different courses here. And, you know, me and Ed are in a spooky little wine club. So there's a lot of options. There's a lot of wrongs and rights. What I do, I don't know if you do this, Ed, but what I try and do is I try and guess from my, like the things I half remember that Ollie and Freddie have said about wine. But they always say it when we're drinking wine. So it doesn't show. Yeah, nothing ever stays. No, absolutely not. It's like a magic room. where if you go in the room, you know everything.

1:20:00But the second you leave, you forget. Oh, is that a film? Should, should. Copy, write that. Okay, that's mine. I absolutely love that. Also, I find, and this is not just with wine, but with... Severance is severance. With anything. Getting battered. Why am I always hung over? Oh, you're allowed to drink at work? Yeah, yeah. For fuck's sake. Any information now that is presented to me, not just with wine, when someone starts telling me something that I know they know about and I'd like to remember, but my brain goes, no. Really? No room. Your brain is like a bodyguard leaping in the way of the information.

1:20:36Yeah, yeah. No. No room, overcapacity. So I'll just, if you're telling me anything, like, you know, you have lots of great facts, Pierre. Sure. You like to talk about... Rackets autism. But genuinely interesting things. And I'm just, I will just do this. You're enjoying it like food. It's there, but then it's gone. and it's that's all that's happening in my head you're like in Saving Private Ryan yeah after the big explosion yeah yeah yeah yeah in your head the little numbskulls like in the comic book they're just weighing a box labeled like new fact and a box labeled like WWF yeah yeah yeah trivia oh if you tell me something that happened in the 90s yeah yeah yeah I will remember that because I already knew that once yes that's known as the Widdicombe phenomenon anything from the 90s yeah it's just like a fucking time capsule The only thing I can take in now is things I knew in the past and I'm now being reminded of.

1:21:32Yes, okay, yeah. Eternal sunshine of the wrestling mind. Yeah, I'm basically blowing the dust of old memories. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm going, oh yeah, that. Ah, like an archaeologist. Look, I once knew of this man, The Undertaker.

1:21:49There's no dust on that guy. He's forefront every day I wake up. Just in case he's about to pop up.

1:21:55James Acaster: Yeah, it's all Ed's thinking about. scared of the Undertaker getting I I what I like to do is I think what wine would work with this and I try and see if I can get it right in my head and then I'll look it up and I'm sometimes I'm like you know there's broad brush rules that you can just learn and then that hard yes this is the way Pierre approaches wine yeah like an exam yes yeah so the thing with taste is you know who are we to say what you can smell or taste in something yes but what PA will do is he'll go I'm getting a bit of vanilla there's quite a lot of oak on that there's berries sort of red fruits black pepper and they'll put the glass down and they'll look at Freddie and Ollie and go was I right?

1:22:35Yes I miss exams so much We don't know if you're right Sure Because it's about the personal experience They know though

1:22:45James Acaster: Oh so there's no definitive answer there I thought that was Well there is if you look it up those flavour profiles will be listed They sort of broadly agree like no one's throwing avocado in there as a note yeah yeah well i get this yeah yeah but i can be convinced so if someone said i'm getting rosemary i'll go yeah me too now yeah but i did do a wine tasting thing a friend of mine got married in in in bordeaux and you want to make it more of a trip right because you're like well we're gonna go go there so we may as well do something touristy stuff around it and we went to like a wine tasting thing and the guy said avocado as an example because he said do you all think i'm just tricking you and half the people were like, yeah.

1:23:23Weird, random, but not relevant. This whole time I'm sat next to a guy who's like a fucking clone of Napoleon. I cannot. He even has like... Let's call him the clonian, please.

1:23:36James Acaster: It's going to drive me insane. He's German, though, so what's that about? I'm sat right next to the clonian, who must be very popular when he visits France. Maybe that's why he always goes on holiday to France. It's so funny. You so rarely see people who look like someone from that long ago. You know what I mean? You know the Napoleon thing? I mean, I say that. You know the Napoleon thing. This is my struggle with doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah. You go, well, cutting that bit. Yeah. It's like slightly balding, but with like the long black bit, like just swept across a little bit, like in every painting of him.

1:24:04That guy had that. The problem for me is, if you say that guy looks like Napoleon, the guy I'm imagining is the guy who played Napoleon in Bill and Ted.

1:24:15James Acaster: I was thinking about Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah. There's a lot more guys who look like that, to be fair. Yeah, yeah. so the guy said like oh do you all think we're making it up and I say gooseberries and you can just taste gooseberries and all of us Napoleon we all agreed that we thought yeah we do kind of think that and he went okay well take a sip let's try something take a sip took a sip and the guy went avocado and we all went yeah no yeah yeah no can't get any of that see I can't I can't really trick you I can't really trick you it's not it is in there like a chemical level it's not like a but he did it wrong who did that guy he did the trick wrong he did the trick right he should have said something that wasn't there No, you should have said, and you get quite a lot of avocado on the nose here.

1:24:57But no, but then it's... You know you're going to be tricked. You set up the trick too much. That changes the test to who here is willing to be rude to a man. No, I'm not. That's part of it. It's like hypnotism. Maybe. Maybe. I have faith in it. That's why I see Freddie and Ollie like wizards. Yeah. No, I do. I do have faith in it because you can agree on various things. But it's funny that you're like, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I win the wine. Yes. Yeah. Max. A star wine. I got very into it because when we all met Freddie for the first time, Freddie was a fan of this podcast and BudPod, which I did with Phil, now I do with Glenn Moore.

1:25:32And he wrote into us, and it was right at the end of lockdown, and he took us to a wine tasting thing. He organized. And I'd lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID for like two months. And then it was wonky for like another nine months. Things tasted like petrol, things tasted like burnt plastic cigarettes. It was horrible, and it was starting to come back. And so the wine tasting had a double thing for me, because I was like, if I can get these notes right, then my smell and taste is coming back broadly in line with what things should taste like. Whereas if I start saying weird stuff, I know it's still not fixed.

1:26:06So I was very relieved to get it right. Although petrol is a good night for Riesling. See? This is what we do, and then we forget.

1:26:13James Acaster: So he just has to get his catchphrase in every episode. every single episode how many of those t-shirts do you guys sell so it's difficult to choose a wine because I've got like okay what can stand up to you know all this like spicy meat and things and still work with the dessert or whatever else because it's got to be the one wine but then I don't know if you always want one to stand up and be as like overpowering as the mid flavour sometimes maybe you want on the left hand side of the ring a boxer and on the right hand side a lovely vicar give you a little warm hug a nice refreshing vicar a nice refreshing ice cold vicar yeah yeah sure I'd rather have no wine than just one wine okay that's my caveat yes so I'm just gonna go ice cold diet coke okay I love diet coke so much yes I don't want to like throw a spanner in the works but like we have allowed people to have more than one drink throughout the meal it's a pretty big spanner when there's seven minutes left on the camera ooh Benito is absolutely you're panicking he's panicking okay I mean seven minutes left to go here's what I'm going to offer you two options okay you can have the ice cold diet coke lovely or what a Vicar Ollie and Freddy can do a wine pairing for you for the whole meal and it will just be whatever they pair for you oh well then it's obviously that it's got to be Ollie and Freddy yeah I'd love to know what they paired with with South African clarebed I think it'll be some kind of South African pinotage with the braai stuff something heavy and red and then with my dessert I'm going to guess that they would suggest a we don't want to Champagne or a light white wine.

1:27:48James Acaster: And I'm going to guess the love of that. Your dessert is a vanilla cheesecake. You're close. Which I'm not quite dead. Chips. Barrel of chips. Chip or barrette. So what is your dream dessert? My dream dessert is a slice of the coconut cream cake from Champa's in Barbados. Hello. And I'm not a dessert man. Yeah. Not a sweets guy, really. I always thought, till I had that cake, I would be coming on here talking about cheese boards. Well, I'm so lucky you went to Barbados. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I've always, in my mind's eye, I could just see your rage building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And me and Ed chuckling about Stilton.

1:28:37Yeah, yeah. The first holiday I went on with my partner, we went to Barbados and we went to this place and I skeptically ordered it and it's a kind of coconut cake but everything is made of coconut like the flour is coconut flour and the cream in it is coconut cream and then there's coconut shavings and there's coconut it's very dense the plate is made of coconut the plate's a big coconut yeah you push the waiter they tumble to the ground they're made of coconuts coconut man I look across at my partner coconut it's like a nightmare it's like from the Mighty Boosh they're all made of coconuts that's what it was like but it's still delicious and the slice they give you oh it was like from a fucking Pixar cartoon big huge door stopper slice no messing around huge and it was just one of the best things I've ever had it was one of those things where while you're eating it you're just going I can't believe this and there's even more another spoon?

1:29:30why yes it was like being in a kind of yeah it was a food critic moment but for a food I'd never had

1:29:37James Acaster: I've had those like those coconut cream like cakes are so good but they are always pretty small yeah and over pretty quickly and like because they're so easy to eat yeah so definitely you want it to be cartoonishly big it was almost like it was verging on a quarter of a cake like it was and it was moist all the way through yeah because i don't know coconut oil maybe keeps it that way but there was no dryness it wasn't getting all crummy towards like the edge of it where you go I see why you've covered this in icing it's to try and cover up how fucking dry it is towards the end cake promises so much and it so rarely fully delivers in my view and this was just stunning I think about it all the time it tasted more of coconut than coconut is it like a toasted kind of quality to it as well or just creamy toasted coconut shavings I think in the icing around the outside I think so from memory but the icing was coconut as well oh man it was just perfect perfect slice of cake and it's just on its own so you don't need anything with it just on its own and it still got away with being that heavy and on like a obviously hot hot hot day yeah still fine still refreshing still great and then just plop straight into the sea plop into the sea yeah and get carried away yeah my mum's my mum's finally got into coconut yeah yeah yeah finally yeah it's taken a whole life three minutes left doesn't like never liked coconut but But every year in the hamper that I give my parents for Christmas, I've always chucked some chocolate-covered macaroons in there.

1:31:12James Acaster: So I think they're great. I guess my dad will just eat those ones, but whatever. Little did I know, my mum's been trying to train herself each year to be able to eat the macaroons. Cooking a challenge. Because they look good. And she finally texts me this year going, I did it. I ate the whole macaroon and it was delicious. She said it was delicious. I like it now. Well, I was a really picky eater as a kid, so I can vouch for that. You can train yourself. Yeah. if you want it enough. I love that you chuck in basically like distraction macaroons for your dad. Yeah. Yeah. Because the Florentines, my mum's got to have all of them and I know that's not going to happen unless there's some distraction macaroons.

1:31:48James Acaster: I've got to throw some stuff in there that is just for my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On top as well. Yeah. So he opens up and he sees them and he's like, I've got to have some like really sour fizzy sweets. Yeah. And then he'll be eating those and my mum's got to hoof as many Florentines down the valve as you can in that time. that's perfect yeah yeah i was really picky eater i couldn't eat stuff if it touched other stuff right yeah if it touched it yeah yeah it was i was yeah i was really harsh on that and yeah you can just through exposure therapy yeah yeah get over it yeah it's a lovely way to end yeah good luck out there picky eaters because to get peter over that we're all touching right now yeah uh all touching each other peter i've now got a read speed read your menu in i guess a minute um But like, someone's trying to FaceTime you, Ben.

1:32:35James Acaster: You want slightly defised sparkling water, a warm red basket woven by Andrew Lloyd Webber with Isle of Man Creamery's butter. You want South African Clarebit. You would like a braai platter. You would like Szechuan chili salt and pepper chicken. You want Ollie and Freddy's wine pairing for the meal. And you want a slice of coconut cream cake from Champa's in Barbados. Yes. Beautiful. Thanks, Pierre. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Pierre.

1:33:06Well, there we are. Fantastic episode with the main man, Pierre Novelli.

1:33:10James Acaster: Thank you, my main man, Pierre Novelli. Thank you for not saying Black Current. Lemzip, of course. Yes. You can see Pierre Novelli performing OK, One More Than Bedtime. Touring that show, OK, One More Than Bedtime. Pierre has two brilliant podcasts you need to check out, Bud Pod and Button Boys. Yes, and a fantastic book, Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? which is a comedian's guide to autism. I'm on tour. Fresh Hell starts in January 2027. Come and see me, edgamble.co.uk. I'm enjoying putting the show together. I think it's going to be funny. And I will be going to see the show Fresh Hell by Ed Gamble.

1:33:45James Acaster: Look out for James. Yeah, look out for me. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

1:34:05Hey y 'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. You know my favorite compliment during the holidays? Your house feels so cozy. That's when I know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes, grab more dessert and stay a little longer. Wayfair makes it easy, with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials, all in one place. So whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend, everyone feels right at home. Get holiday guests ready at Wayfair.com or on the Wayfair app today. Wayfair, every style, every home. Rothy's is up to something big. The famous Flats brand has reimagined their iconic point shoe to be better than ever.

1:34:41To celebrate its 10th anniversary, Rothy's made the point even more beautiful and comfortable than before. Every closet needs a little black flat, and Rothy's makes the best one of all. Discover the point at rothys.com and learn why this timeless shoe is so special. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com.

1:35:21James Acaster: The Meek Pleaver Colon, BKFC 94, Till vs. Ramiro. Watch it live only on DAZN. Sign up now at DAZN.com.

1:35:34Hi, I'm Nick Eshukla. I'm an author and screenwriter and host of The Good Immigrant Podcast. Back in 2016, I edited a collection of essays called, you guessed it, The Good Immigrant. It brought together stories of what it meant to be an immigrant at that time. It was a reflection of life as a person of colour in the UK. To celebrate 10 years since its publication, I'm speaking to some of the contributors about everything that has happened since then. People like Nish Kumar, Selena Godden, Himesh Patel, Coco Khan, Inua Ellams and many, many more. The Good Immigrant Podcast is out every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts.