Rhys James

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1:12welcome to the off menu podcast taking the salt and vinegar crisps of conversation opening that bad boy up and throwing in the pickled egg of humor shaking it around and getting involved. People do that. Do they do that? Yeah. I've never heard of that before. I immediately want to do it. Yeah, it sounds like I'd like to do it as well. People do do that. They pop a pickled egg in a bag of crisps. Something for you. Yeah, I think, yeah. That's great. Yeah. I saw that happen on your face. You're like, what? Oh, yeah. What? Yeah, to begin with, I thought, I don't know what he's doing here. He's opening a bag of crisps.

1:48Yeah. When you popped a pickled egg in there, I thought, very whimsical. I thought, hold on a second. Yeah. That just might work Peter Piper popped it in there Shut up Peter Piper That is Ed Gamble My name is James A. Guster Together we own a dream restaurant And every single week We invite the guests And we ask them their favourite ever Start a main course dessert Side dish And drink Not in that order And this week Our guest is Rhys James Rhys James The little oik The little oik of British comedy A fantastic comic Very funny man Cheeky Cheeky Just the other day My partner was Scrolling through something I think a clip came up of you and Rhys trading blows on Mock the Week back in the day.

2:28And I forgot how funny that dynamic was between the two of you. Yeah, he's a great comic. He's a lovely comic foil for me, my little brother. And that clip would have been to promote me interviewing him about his book, his new book. You'll like it when you get there. Yes, and I will like it when I get there, Rhys. Thank you. I have not read it yet, but I will because I'm interviewing him in two days about it. And I can't wait to read it. do you remember that Coolio song I'll see you when you get there yeah if you ever get there yeah yeah maybe Rhys is talking about that in the book maybe listen we like Rhys I'll see you when you get there if you ever get there I'll see you when you get there so pointless so why are you saying it huh why are you saying it if you don't know if they're going to get there or not yeah I mean how about you make arrangements to make sure they get there and then you don't need to say I'll see you when you get there isn't he talking about heaven Probably.

3:24I think he's talking about heaven, so I think it's like... Well, that's really bad to say. I'll see you in heaven if you don't go to hell. Yeah. And burn for all of eternity. Yeah. I mean, why is Coolio so sure he's going to be there? Yeah. Listen, Rhys, you're a nice guy, but if you say the secret ingredient, we're kicking you out. Yeah. And the secret ingredient was easy this week. Yeah. Rhys' Pieces. Rhys' Pieces, because he's called Rhys. Your name is Rhys. I mean... And he's a piece of shit. and you're a piece of shit. The blows don't really work when there's only one of us here. Oh, yeah.

3:56I was going to do like my Mock the Week. And then he would say like, yeah, yeah, I'm a piece of shit. That's what you're going to say about me, isn't it? And then you'd be able to do an even worse one. And then bury him. And then he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But now he's not here. Yeah. Feels bad. And you're just calling a man a piece of shit. Feels bad. Feels bad. But, you know, I think he deserves it. He's a little piece of shit. Yeah. So hopefully he doesn't say Reese's Pieces, although he's a funny one to kick out. Yeah, it'd be very funny to kick him out because he's such a little shit.

4:25So like, that'd be great. Also, it must mean that when we had Rhys Shearsmith on we didn't choose Rhys' pieces. Yeah, weird. But I guess we went for some like... Did we go special stuff? League of Gentlemen. Yeah, we went for special stuff. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Rhys James doesn't have the body of work. No. The Rhys Shearsmith has. We don't have to go for his name. Matt, I can't believe how much we're roasting Rhys before he's even come on. Well, it's rare that you know that the guest will listen to it. Yeah, yeah. So we know that Rhys is going to hear all this. Yeah. And it's really fun to lay into him.

4:58Yeah. And he's got to sit there going, oh, fuck's sake. And whenever this comes out, he'll message me going, thanks for that. And I won't even remember what we said. Yeah, yeah. This means nothing to us, Rhys. This roasting of you. It's like when Thanos is confronted by Drax and he's like, you killed my family. He's like, I don't even remember. Yeah, yeah. And you think that's cold. Yeah. That is like, that's the worst thing you could say to him. It's like that with Rhys. Rhys, what we're saying right now, you can text me and go like, oh, that Thanos thing, you're a dweeb. I'll be like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

5:27Yeah. With Thanos. Yeah, with Thanos. With a podcast, Thanos. Yeah. If we click, half the podcast will disappear. Yeah. Click our fingers. That's goodbye. No, such fingers as fish. Goodbye. My dad wrote a porno. That's not on anyone. Goodbye, babysitter boys. What? The one that, Rob and Josh do. Babysitter boys. Yeah. Babysitter boys. This is the off-menu menu of Rhys James.

6:04Welcome Rhys to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you very much. Welcome Rhys James to the Dream Restaurant. It's been a year for some time. An honour. What a great honour that I've been waiting for for all my life. All my life. When you first launched this podcast six years ago? 2018. Seven years ago? Seven, seven. We're knocking on for seven now. Probably nine by the time this comes out. Yeah. I've been sat on post box like a Labrador ever since. Waiting for that invite to come through the post. We do it in emails. It's emails. Yeah. Yeah, that's why you missed it. I should have checked my laptop nine years ago.

6:34We were emailing you every week. I could have been on week one. No reply whatsoever. It was me or Mike Skinner in that first series, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Mike checks his emails. Modern guy. He is a modern guy. I bet he doesn't check his emails. nobody'll have someone yeah you don't have someone I don't have someone what a sad way to start I don't have anyone you don't have anyone do you Rhys I don't have anyone that's kind of what your book's about right you'll like it when you get here by Rhys James yeah there huh you'll like it when you get there yeah I half read it that's the aim that's what I hope most of the audience do I don't think reading it is important with books isn't it just buy it genuinely at this stage just buy it and leave it anywhere I had that once so I went on a first book come out and I went on a show first book Will Gompers was hosting it who's that book man but I've got a quote from Dara on the front yeah I was quite and it was something like sorry that's not that's not what it was forget it another great story from the brain of James A.

7:35Custer it's a book out in August you've got a quote from Dara as well I've got a quote from Dara on the back you've got a quote from Dara what's your quote from Dara I did have a quote from Dara I can't remember it but I remember it wasn't the quote from Dara that he got wrong it's a cry for help but it's a very funny one that's what Dara says about your book yeah do you know what he said about my book nothing turn me down for a quote turn you down for a quote said he was too busy he'd done too many of them too busy unbelievable I'm at that stage now I'm sort of after a generation of people who'd have asked Dara for quotes sure so he's probably he's probably begging to do quotes for books at the moment no one's got one I mean it's better he refused the quote before he'd not read it yeah yeah yeah that would have been awful if he'd read it oh I had to chase him quite a lot I sent him a book and then I was like you know that weird thing that came through the post with my face on it.

8:13Have you read that? And he kept being like, oh, I'm going to Nottingham tomorrow. I'll read it then. And then I'd be like, what do you think? And then he was like, how's this? And then sent me basically that non-committal quote. I like it. I like that quote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to respect it. There's a load of good quotes here. Pascoe said, it's witty and clever as Reese's stand-up, but you can take it in the bath. True. Benito has Googled the front cover for my first book. What's the Dara quote? Should we guess? Yeah. This is classic scrapes.

8:42Oh, I like that. A great book. Very enjoyable. He's better than that. Do you know what? I don't know why we've included the full quote. I think we should have clipped off this first bit. He's written, it's just my opinion. I don't know why we've clipped that. It sounds like he insisted that was there. Yeah, yeah. I don't want it out there. Everyone thinks this. Yeah. But James is the funniest of all these comedians you haven't heard of yet. Fair enough. okay he's a bit he gets spiky in these quotes there's always a bit of a neg in there isn't there why is a cry for help from this dweeb or yeah you've never heard of this loser and by the way it's not a fact it's just my opinion just my opinion he's the funniest of a very narrow category of everyone you ever haven't heard of yet but you've got a book out yeah if they look at the book cover diver they've heard of it automatically it depends which one was bigger your name or Dara's quote yeah because if that's bigger they're reading that first they read that first going oh no oh yeah mine's like a thumbnail really yeah like a me it's a little picture of me and then Dara yeah that was a whole quote this is very exciting though Rhys you've got a book out you're excited yeah yeah yeah we're excited about this what's the book about don't make me say it's a guide to life from someone who doesn't want to do anything there we go so if you don't ever want to do so you trying to avoid doing stuff as much as possible yeah well that's my default how I feel default it's sort of quite introverted the build up just is dread it's a dread memoir the build up to everything is dread don't want to do it you wouldn't think I was an introvert if you went to the pub with me I would seem like an extrovert because it manifests in speaking too much it's not fun it's just a lot I will speak too much and I'll think I've got to fill all of this there can't be a silence ever etc that's why I speak really quick on stage as well you're the anti John Robbins yeah I thought because I'd said speak quick on stage you were going to say Kearns you were still on the pub thing yeah no I was still on the quiet man in the pub in the corner Yeah, wants to go to the pub, doesn't say anything.

10:40Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't want to go to the pub, says everything. Yeah, yeah. Great. Yeah, if me and John are in the pub, it's an absolute nightmare. It's just us two killing time. How much did you want to come and do this podcast then? Well, that's, you know... You know you can be honest with us. In terms of the pantheon of things I will have to do to promote this book, I wouldn't even put this in a have to. This is a want to. But there's certainly things that I will be doing that I have to. The tux won't come out for those. I'm not wearing the tux on Sunday brunch you should though there we go, sold Lovejoy will not get it he will be baffled oh yeah, good point, for the listener I happen to be wearing the tux if you're listening to this this is our first ever guest who has turned up wearing a tuxedo this is a big podcast, this is a fancy restaurant you've had a lot of fancy guests a lot of celebs in this restaurant I thought I've got to this is the red carpet effectively this podcast.

11:36It is, yeah. So someone's got to make an effort at last, haven't they? Yeah. I mean, appreciate it. I'm a fancy guy as well. You know that. When I do bother to turn up to stuff, I do it in a very, very fancy way. Yeah. Would you say you seem to agree? I've made the only one ever hung out with you at gigs and TV shows. I wouldn't say you out fancy people at those. Rude. Yeah, I wouldn't say fancy is the first thing that I'd describe. What's the first thing? Pale? Oh, okay. Quite pale. And no one pale in history has ever been fancy then. Sorry, may I remind you of one of the old centuries where they're all pale and fancy.

12:14They're all very pale. Couldn't think of one. One name. Couldn't think of one. But, you know, I'm thinking of those films based on the past. The films based on the past. Where they've painted a beauty mark on their cheek. Exactly. They're all very pale dandies. They're dandies. Fine, I think of you as a dandy. Yeah, fine. I'll take it. Yeah, I would think of you as a dandy more than a fancy guy. yeah to me that's changeable if it's back in the day and we were all in the same episode of Mock the Week and one of the runners come up to me in the corridor and was like I've lost the damage I'll be like oh okay yeah he's down there yeah he's down there he's Rhys James putting his tux on yeah fair enough do you think wearing a tux to a restaurant is dangerous because I think you should not be the fanciest the waiter should look fancier don't you think the waiter may feel I have cosplayed as him yes I don't get the logic of the waiter being fancier than the guests.

13:06Why would that make sense? It depends. If it's an old school fancy restaurant you want to feel like... I don't want to feel like I'm intruding on these fancy people who what, live there? If they work there. You know what I mean? It's like, no, I'm the guest. I should be the fanciest one. Yeah. If they work there they should look like shit. They should dress down. Yeah, you don't want to go in as a guest and feel like you're not good enough to be in this place. Exactly. We don't want them to be snooty and sort of looking down on you for being there because of what you're wearing. and that's why I always wear a tux.

13:34Always. So it can't happen. Yeah. Denando's tux. Straight to five guys in my tux. Well, I mean, I think you look very, very sharp. Yeah, you look very nice. Thanks. And it is also for the listeners quite a hot day outside. Yes. We've already recorded an episode in here today and it quite quickly got boiling hot in this room. Benito has done all he can to air the room out. Right now, it's fine. Yeah. Let's see how much of this tux makes it to the end of the episode. But yeah, you're going to be dripping by the end. I didn't wear the waistcoat. That was an option. I took the waistcoat. I wish you'd won the waistcoat two piece I would have loved to have seen the waistcoat to go halfway through and then take the jacket off and be wearing the waistcoat yeah and a cummerbund like a teddy bear yeah on the way to prom now that is the energy you bring on the way to prom yeah is that because I pulled up here in a limo and you just always in a stretched limo and I was out of the sunroof yeah you bought a corsage oh my god and that girl waiting through there yeah yeah and the corsage there with a gown yeah you just told to wait for you while you do a podcast yeah and her parents obviously yeah picking her up yeah dad trying to intimidate you yeah not scared of him wearing a tux you wouldn't be scared you've been scared of anyone while you're wearing a tux no actually you just wouldn't be would you good question this is why fancy people aka dandies are so confident yeah I've done corporates in tuxes before and I've been very scared during those good point actually did a corporate for 300 plumbers last week what was the corporate 300 plumbers last week I'd say I did a joke about trains one of my first jokes I just mentioned to get in the train or like rail card expired or something I'd say in the first minute heckled with train wanker biggest laugh of the night unrecoverable you don't you do not book a dandy to do a plumbing corporate it did go alright at the end but I never got quite to that level so you said I got a train I said yeah something like oh yeah and I was building tension on purpose because I was about to call them van people that's where I was going with it before I had a chance they saw the comic gap I was leaving to go rail cards expired of course you don't relate to this you're all van and I was going to going now I was going to go hard like that but I couldn't because before I could do anything train wanker everyone losing their minds you think they're stereotypes don't you you think they're stereotypes the problem is that is really funny it's really funny that's a funny thing to shout well it was one of those you know sometimes you get a heckle and you think you know immediately I need to come back and shut this person down that was almost like well I have to laugh let it roll around I have to laugh you've got to get involved also I was thinking this could kill a good five minutes they're just laughing non-stop I've only got to do 20 minutes sure at a corporate yeah they had told me before this corporate oh it would be more everyone would be in black tie and it would be more the sort of suits of the plumbing industry rather than the polo shirts of the plumbing industry oh interesting there was not a single person in the audience not wearing cargo shorts yeah every single got there every single person had a stained polo shirt it was set up like a black tie event yeah big fancy round table that's a matter and they'd all come straight from work yeah it's like they all expected there to be a leak at any moment and you were in the tux yeah oh tux wanker train wanker to be fair First class wanker.

16:31To be fair, right? There is a leak because you've come on this podcast and told us everything that's happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. And he doesn't get booked for corporates. Can you imagine? I've done a corporate. Oh, yeah. You've done a corporate? Just one? Yeah, yeah. I know what corporates are like. What was it for? It's like all corporates. You do it in a cinema and they let you see a film that night for free and they give you some food to eat before having a full meal and you can just wear your normal clothes. you had to wear a suit or nothing. The one thing I wouldn't want to do after any corporate I've done is go immediately to the cinema for the rest of the evening with all the people who were at the corporate.

17:09I didn't watch it with them. All right, fine. They were just like, whatever film you want to watch. Tell you what, I don't want to be in a cinema with 300 plumbers watching Trainspotting. No, no. That's going to take forever. Watch Super Mario Brothers. Super Mario Brothers. There we go. I love that. Sorry I spoke over that. They're not acting that. They wouldn't dare. It doesn't work like that. We applauded that. He's not even qualified. Oh, by the way, I'm very excited to hear your menu. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because as far as I'm concerned with you, you eat like a child. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'd never seen an avocado until you.

17:42Until me? What? Sorry, I keep dropping this. Ed's playing with a coaster for the listener. Sorry, I dropped the coaster out of shock. I was aware of the... I'd heard the name. Ed Gamble. I'd heard the name Ed Gamble, because I was wearing your work, and I knew you loved avocados. The phrase, I'd never seen an avocado until you. Never seen one. You introduced me, man. When was that? That song, I never knew I was looking for love until I found you. It's a bit like that. I never seen an avocado until you came into my life. So what was this occasion? We were in Manchester doing the student gigs. Yeah.

18:15And you opted for a home salad instead of eating a curry mull or whatever, as we would normally do on those trips. And part of that salad was an avocado and you were holding it. And I was like, what the hell is this? And you said, this is an avocado. I said, oh, great. I've heard of these. I've never seen one. That's wild. And I sort of like, like a child stood on a stool next to the sort of kitchen side who's trying to observe anything. I was like, show me, Ed. What is it? What's inside this? And you cut it open. And like you were talking to a two-year-old, you were like, so you cut it open and then there's a stone inside.

18:46And then you revealed it went, and yes, look, that's a small one. So that's really good because it means you get more avocado. I remember this so vividly. And then I was like, can I try a piece? It was like that level of the thing. You like all that archive footage of kids in the war singing Bananas for the first time. Dandies. Yeah, dandies. Little dandies. Great. That is great. So, you know, I can see why you might, you don't even remember that, but it seeped in somewhere, and that's where you think I might have that kind of menu. But I'm fancy now, I've changed. Definitely happened, because he said, this is a good one, because it's smaller, so you get more avocado above the stone.

19:18That's definitely a gamble. Yeah, that is me. Also, if someone said, quickly tell me a Rhys James joke, the one that sticks in my mind as the Rhys James joke is I'm growing up I've stopped eating chicken nuggets and I ate chicken goujons which felt very very you that feels like genuinely your diet and I'd say yeah and that kind of switch from the nuggets to the goujons is the switch from like t-shirt and shorts to tux to me and that's why that's a big that's a big move goujon that's a French word that's fancy so that's why I'm because I'm fancy now so maybe it will be a childish menu it's up to you to decide whether you think it is personally I think is a pretty grown-up menu.

19:54Well, we've had lunch before. I've had lunch before, yeah. No, me and you together. We've had lunch together before, yeah. You took me to a metal restaurant once. A metal restaurant? You took me to a restaurant where they play metal so loud. It was Bone Daddy's. No, no, no, no. It was Black Axe Mangow. Oh, yeah. Black Axe Mangow. It's next to the Hen and Chickens in Edlington, or it was. It's an amazing restaurant. It was really good. The food was amazing, but I couldn't hear a word. They play loud music. Yeah. They play loud hip-hop and loud metal. Very scary music. But it's a fantastic restaurant.

20:22huge shout out to Black Axe Mangale they won't be featuring on this menu the food was great we had a patty melt together once did we? what's that? you were excited, you said we should go here I want to have a patty melt like a sandwich that's like a burger in that hotel in Hoban oh yeah yeah yeah was that the Hoxton? tried to do a sandwich review series for your Radio X show of their Christmas sandwiches, did too they were both bad, stopped sending them in didn't want to go anymore, had a loyalty card still didn't bother Well, they read out the first two. Yeah, I did. So everyone knows you quit.

20:56Yeah, I slammed these sandwiches and then it's like, I'm not doing this anymore. It's Christmas.

21:03We always start with still the sparkling water, Rhys. Do you have a preference? Look, I'd like still water. I'm having sparkling. Okay? What? You've got to have bubbles in a tux, I'm afraid. You can't walk into a restaurant like this and say, yeah, just normal tap. Yeah, that's true. It would look weird. I'm going sparkling it would look weird if you were can I have both no okay sold everyone else gets it dream restaurant can I have what you want yeah suddenly I I bet the secret ingredient is bread in this one by the way you're desperate to kick me out especially when I'm wearing this funny do you want both yeah little cup of both little cup of both little cup of because San Pellegrino the green glass San Pellegrino bottle that's a classy now that's a classy bottle yes tennis fair to say what makes you think of tennis fair to say tennis yeah it's fair to say tennis It makes me think of tennis.

21:51Okay. But I want a little glass of that to start, and then I want to move on to the still version of San Pellegrino, which I think is called, it begins with a P, doesn't it? It's not Pellegrino. It's the orange logo. It's got an orange logo. It's like Pata or something like that. Well, I don't think I knew this. I don't think I knew this. It's what you would have seen it. White bottle, orange logo. Sorry, not white, clear. Yeah. Water. Water. Wow. White bottle would be mental. Really playing up to being a little kid who thinks that clear things are white. Little tea on the top, weirdly. Yeah, Little White Botties, nice and warm.

22:23Panna, Aquapanna. Aquapanna. Is that the... Oh, I've seen Aquapanna. Is that the same company? That is the sister drink of the bubbly San Pellegrino. Sister drink. There you go. Actually, more of an adult than we gave you credit for. Couldn't have seen water before. You know about the sister drinks. I know about the sister drinks. Yeah, well, we'll let you have some Aquapanna and some San Pellegrino, if you'd like. Brother and sister. Yeah, brother and sister. Yes, please. The whole family. Yeah, I love the brother and sister of water. Yeah. What's the mum and dad of water, then? Well, I guess you will be the water daddy in that situation.

22:51If you've got both, you can call yourself the water daddy. Yeah, but then you've got to drink your own kids. Yeah. That's weird, right? Would you drink your own kids? We've never asked anyone this before. Look, I don't want kids. So I guess so. If that's going to get rid of them. No harm, no foul. Oh, you see that as an obliteration of your children. Obliterates the kids. If I'm drinking, yeah, I'm drinking them to death. That's true. Yeah. You are drinking them today. They live on through piss. I think they live on through piss, don't they? How clear is the piss? I think they're dead by the time they're piss.

23:26Rest in piss. Dead by the time they're piss? Yeah. Rest in piss. Fuck, sorry for stepping on it. It's fantastic. That's all right, it's out there. It's fantastic. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Kill the kids, rest in piss. That's a fair description of my relationship with not wanting to be a father. Pum lobs on bread! Pum lobs on bread, Rhys James! Pum lobs on bread! I bet it feels good, doesn't it? Shout that. to have someone that you don't respect in the chair again you've had two but you've got two the podcast has got too big for how much you like shouting that so there's too many people that you're like oh I'm not shouting it but it is fun it is funnier when it's someone that James really respects and he has the sort of semi shout out yeah but it's nice for you to get out of your system every now and then so that you can go and I presume it's Al Pacino next week or someone that you're not going to do Joe Pesci's in I imagine well I have to change my my mind because you know when it was De Niro I was like I don't want to do this.

24:16Yeah. And then you have to go to yourself knowing like, listen, this is really funny that you're going to shout it. So I have to change my mind, but I have to forcibly do it. It's not a natural thing. He's an old man though, right? I have to be like, come on, this is funny to shout it. Even forgetting that it's Robert De Niro. Yeah. How do you feel about screaming that an old man? Yeah, I mean. Anything could have happened. There is always, it's on a knife edge when they're old. And when we do get an old one in, I am thinking like, is this the one where I finally kill someone? Would you drink your heroes?

24:46rest in piss Mr De Niro rest in piss Bobby De Niro all the things he survived in films and stuff for that to be the thing that really kills him in films yeah that's how we see him I don't know what he survived in his life but I imagine he's similar in it yeah well you know him you're mates with him does he carry himself like that everything he's done in films he's also done in real life he's method when is the bit of this podcast where you pitch stuff for me by the way and I choose what I want. Why don't you do that? Goujons, please. Yeah, whatever. I tell you what, if you did choose to play it like that, we can't tell you no.

25:21There's precedent now. It would be funny if we just play. We're not doing that, Rhys. You either choose it or we're not doing this fucking podcast. Get a couple of Oscars under your belt and we'll do that until then. I think we would say that to Rhys. What we'd say? If Rhys started going, have whatever's good. You fucking just pick something. Of course you would because in the same way you just scream that at me as loud as you've ever screamed it because you don't respect me. And I respect you for not respecting me. Of course I do, because I wouldn't. Why do you think I've worked so hard on the outfit?

25:49Desperately trying to get a crumb of respect. But I'm waiting for the moment I say bread and you say unlucky secret ingredient goodbye. You put that on for nothing. What do you want to pick then? Well, okay. It's bread. Get out. God damn it. It's bread. And what I want for the outfit, for the whole vibe, is, you know, sort of like fancy focaccia with oil and balsamic vinegar. And as a dandy, who has been a dandy my whole life, I did used to go home from sixth form and have that for lunch. You had focaccia for lunch. With the oil and the balsamic. And you never saw an avocado until you met Ed. I know.

26:24This is amazing. I had a quite beige diet for a very long time. You went home. I would take friends there as well. Who? Take friends there. So my house was quite near the school. I couldn't believe that you had friends. Yeah. I was like, who? Who are you talking about? Who's friends? Friends. Who were your friends at school? I took my friend Sam there. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica. I took my friend James and Ed. I took my friend Sam there once and was like, mate, let's go have lunch at mine because my house is quite near the school. Sick of this canteen nonsense. And the starter would be, I'd have some nice fancy bread and I would do olive oil and balsamic in a little dish and we'd dip it in there while waiting for our dippers to cook.

27:03Our dippers would be in the oven. We'd watch an episode of Flight of the Conchords dipping our bread and then we'd get our nuggets and we dip them in ketchup instead. Did Sam like Flight of the Conchords or were you being like Sam? You always focus on the weirdest bit of the story. What? He was quite happy with the dippers and the bread situation. Absolutely fine with Rhys being at school and going home to dip balsamic oil for capture. He goes, I'll fly the Conchords. Tell me more about Sam. It just feels like this whole thing is like Rhys has curated the lunchtime. I see where you go. And that Sam is having to go along with everything.

27:37Oh, he's happy to get involved. And I'm wondering if you're also like, you know, as a comedy nerd, you're like watching all that stuff, but your friends are like, I don't know. No, I think he was into Flight of the Conchords. We liked Flight of the Conchords. We both liked him. How did he feel about the oil and vinegar? I think he, that was one of those things where I was like, mate, have you had this? The thing that you get at the start of every meal if you ever go out. You have this, you've got to have this. So it's like, the promise, I didn't sell it on that. The promise was. I knew that he'd love, have you had this?

28:04You've got to have this. But he's instantly laughing. to himself. The way I would get him back to the house, not to sound so creepy, but it's to be like, I've got chips and chicken nuggets in my house. They're not doing proper chips in this canteen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come back to mine. Come back to mine. We'll watch Flight of the Conchords. We don't need to be around these other guys. We'll just hang out at mine. You know, these guys are bullies. They won't even make you wear what you want to wear. Seems like you're trying to get off with them. Quite sinister, yeah. I wasn't trying to get off with them, actually.

28:29I swear. And then we were... And then I put those in the oven. you've got to have something while you wait totally and the natural thing for me was fancy bread and I was when I first experienced the sort of oil balsamic thing in a restaurant I was like this is the best part of the meal by miles it's so delicious dip that in there look you're pretty into the converted you don't get it so much anymore the day I got a panini maker at home was the day I became the most popular guy of the year yeah oh did you oh yeah who'd you have home uh Josh you've been Josh yeah yeah what all back to yours what was in the paninis whatever I want because that's like I can Breville Toasty Maker 100 % know what you're getting at cheese toast those little triangles that's popular I love I've got one of those now yeah I've got I cannot wait to break out the Breville it's amazing isn't it come winter yeah really seasonal for you I mean we've just had a heatwave by the way it's 2025 we've just had a heatwave I don't know what year you're listening to this yeah 2022 rest in peace Therese James that's when we put it out yeah rest in peace yeah I can't be eating one of those those pockets of fire in the summer you could wait a bit wait for it to cool down a bit no way no that's all the fun gone blanket no we'll not be waiting for anything to cool down ever no it was it was like a flat top panini maker thing so like proper press with the stripes like a press no not with the stripes just flat completely flat oh no thank you don't rate it that's how you make paninis not eating that Don't rate it.

30:03I want the stripes. The stripes are tacky. It's like my tracksuit bottom. It's got to have the stripes or people will slag me off for getting it in a fake market. You need an Adidas panini. I need an Adidas panini, please. What, it's a tiger without his stripes? Exactly. A lion. Oh, that's better. Oh, yeah, that is better. Okay. It's a master improviser. Oh, God. No, like probably just mozzarella and ham I'd put in there. Fair enough. And ham, I know the cheese gets hot, but like other ingredients in a toasty or panini do become hot in a way that I've never seen before in any meal. Well, the tomatoes are classic.

30:32Tomatoes are classic. It's like molten lava. Yeah. But I'm not putting fresh tomato in a panini. No. It's too much water in it. I've heard you say that before on this podcast. Yeah. You seem to think tomatoes is really water-based. They're very watery. If you put them in a panini and then heat them up, waterlogged, rained off. Rained off. Panini's been rained off. Play cancelled. Yeah, it's Wimbledon. We just had Wimbledon in 2025. So do you want the focaccia with the oil and balsamic vinegar for your dream bread? I either want that. I don't know what the rules are in terms of how far I can deviate from just bread.

31:06Because what I want is the chili cheese toast from Dishoom. Yeah. As my bread course. Oh, that's what you want? That's what I want. But I'll happily have the focaccia and oil if that's more in the bread family. Chili cheese toast. There's bread. Bread. Yeah, it's cheese as well. We've had people push the boundary way more than that. I've only listened to the Robert De Niro episode. The chili cheese toast from Dishoom is a great bread course. It's fantastic, isn't it? Only on the breakfast menu, as far as I'm aware. Right, yeah. and it's with eggs on it. Yeah. I don't know if you can even get it on its own, but I love it so much.

31:38No, I think you can get it separately on the menu, yeah. But without eggs on it. I think you can get it on the regular menu. I don't want it with eggs on it in this. Yeah, I think on the regular menu. That can't be what... If you're having bread before a meal, you can't just have, can I have eggs on it? Yeah, but I guess the bread course is like the breakfast of the meal, right? We'd let you. I don't want to. Is this how it works for me? so Robert De Niro you go you go oh what about this and he goes yeah okay if it's good yeah weird catchphrase for me you go no you have to have eggs on it by the way every course that's a good idea you have to have a couple of eggs on it and by the way the secret ingredient is eggs yeah we got you adios punked it is on the menu isn't it but without eggs on the regular menu yeah chilli cheese toast from Dachoum fantastic I love that and I love that but I always over order at Dachoum and the cheese on toast always feels like a step too far you're like I've ordered all of that and now I'm having cheese on toast yeah yeah because of the chilli it doesn't feel like cheese on toast to me for some reason but it is isn't it but it is just cheese on toast with chilli in it but it's so delicious what type of bread is it it feels just like quite a regular bread normal bread normal bread yeah which is right up your street normal white sliced loaf white sliced loaf yeah classic can't argue with that I've never had it I've been to De Shum a lot love it but like yeah have you been to breakfast there much no I've not done a breakfast I think I prefer going there for breakfast Would you want the eggs on this?

33:00I don't want the eggs. Stop making me have the eggs. I know it's a secret ingredient.

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34:08Your dream starter, Rhys James. Okay, from a place called Billy's in Harpenden, I would like a culinary hotspot. they've got a Zaza they had a subway for a while you know where I go protests about that in the town by the way you know where I go when I want a great meal one of London's satellite commuter towns can't get a McDonald's off can't get a McDonald's there no? every time they're like my whole childhood every time any shop closed down there'd be a rumour that's going to be a McDonald's and then a week later there'd be another rumour the parents shut it down they wouldn't let it happen wow they protested yeah The Harpenden parents.

34:49And I think my mum was spreading that rumour, going, oh, you know what, Harpenden parents are like, they wouldn't let you have a McDonald's here because of the litter. And then I'd sort of go, can I check your emails? Specifically, it's just her all the time. She's got a thousand email addresses. Yeah. Yeah, doesn't want a McDonald's there. But we did have a Subway and that was very exciting for a time. That was huge. I was very excited when Kevin got a Subway. Yeah. Really excited. How is Subway better, in terms of the parents, how is Subway better than McDonald's, do you think? Because they hadn't heard of it.

35:19Right. Because it felt like when it came to Harbourn, it felt like it had come direct from Los Angeles. Yeah. It's like, I've never seen one before in England. And it wasn't a burger, it was a sandwich. And they can't argue with sandwiches because they've been putting them in your packed lunches. Yeah. That's true. They can't exactly be like, the sandwiches are unhealthy. You're like, well, what was this twist? It's like if they opened a malt loaf restaurant. And there's veggies like visible when you go in. Yeah, the salad there. Yeah. Even though there's salad in a Big Mac as well. Yeah. Well, and a burger's a sandwich.

35:46and burger as a sandwich although is it I genuinely was in the shower the other day and probably had 10 minutes thinking to myself do you classify a burger as a sandwich he does the podcast on his own yeah I don't need this he's always thinking of content this guy lives and breathes food questions I wasn't doing it out loud what about hot dog then so surely so this is where my mind went it's a hot dog sandwich so maybe it's if the bread doesn't touch hear me out yeah hot dog it's like a U yeah of bread It's a U of bread. That's not a sandwich. A pizza is not a sandwich filled. It's not a sandwich.

36:20It definitely is. Now the bread's touching. Definitely is. If the bread is separate and there's stuff between it, a sandwich it shall be. Okay. A burger sandwich. You'll send it like it rhymes. That doesn't rhyme. I hoped it would. As I was speaking, I thought, I hope this rhymes. May I take you back to the panini? Or a roll, a filled roll. Quite often, they will just slice into the roll. They'll leave a hinge. Negligent. They'll leave a hinge and then they'll fill the roll. Is that a sandwich? Or is a roll a sandwich? Yeah, because it is still a sandwich. Yeah. Did you say hello in your head when you were doing this to yourself?

36:54Yeah, yeah. Every now and then go, hello. Yeah. And then I tried to wash the bottom of my foot and it nearly fell over. And some way, actually. Did you wash the bottom of your foot? Yeah, I tried to wash the bottom of my feet, obviously. And then you put the foot down and you're like, this is going to be a really tense minute while I'm slipping around in shower gel here. Yeah. And I pick the other foot up. so I'm just on one slippy foot. And you're still thinking of the sandwich thing at this point. Well, I'm trying to but I can't keep the episode on track because I'm too worried about falling over in the shower like an old man.

37:23Well, it's good to hear you write for these. Yeah. I don't need to do this level of prep. I didn't know. It really does feel like Mark the Wings. It's just like, yeah. Me washing the butt with my feet is not a scene you'd like to see. Oh, yes. Love that. Smooth. Love that. Smooth. No, not smooth at all. But yeah, they do hinge the Subway sandwiches and that is... There you go. that's a sandwich alright I concede yeah well in any case I want to go to Billy's not Subway Billy's doesn't exist anymore it's also closed down they probably think it's going to be a McDonald's there but it isn't I'm telling you it isn't Billy's was for all intents and purposes a bad pub it was really fun but I was a child so I thought it was amazing and actually when I would eat what I'm going to have as a starter which is the buffalo wings and nachos I want both of them as the starter there was a year when I was 15 when my parents separated for one year and just for one year for one year they had a rumspringer what's that is that a sandwich no it's the Amish tradition of you get to leave the community for a year and go and do whatever you want as long as the promise is you come back and become Amish again yeah I did know that about the Amish I didn't know it was called that I didn't know I knew this much about the Amish I love the Amish yeah I keep getting TikToks at the moment of people going to Amish communities and saying you have to prepare the zombies are already in the city and the Amish people being like what and they're going like honestly and then there's other ones of them showing brain rot to Amish people like weird memes that just don't make any sense of like AI stuff how do the Amish people know about zombies yeah well maybe there's some explaining they do before it so there's this thing called zombies that's dead people walking around but you wouldn't be scared I saw one he had an AI video of cats in the Olympics and he showed it to an Amish person and it was all cats going off diving boards and doing flips and what's interesting about that one is the Amish person is not buying it one bit they look at it like yeah so what's this this is obviously the guy's like look you wouldn't expect a cat to do that three flips and the Amish person is just like yeah it's just in an apple shop basically sorry as in literal apples it's not the genius bar they're actually selling apples so I like that the apple store it's not the apple store must have been on his year off do not yeah yeah do not run the Apple store immediately as soon as the first day of their year off straight in the Apple store their head starts vibrating oh I can't take it if you took your laptop to the Genius Bar and someone was dressed like an Amish person there you'd be like oh well I'm fucked I'm never getting that laptop back they're not gonna know what to do I sometimes when I see AI videos I feel like an Amish guy because you think that's real I fall for it yeah yeah and I have to check with Charlie what's AI and what's not I'll be like come over here how can a horse be this small

40:11come over here how can I ask me this small should we be like it's AI right well then I'm going to be dead in a year yeah because I can't tell what anything is anymore when you fall for an AI thing it does feel like well it's game over for my brain isn't it yeah yeah it's why when your parents send you one you're just like oh god we're different planets now yeah well my mum got into like using chat GPT to make like pictures of our cat my cats and send them to me so she would just but she would just speak into it so it wouldn't look anything like them but she would just say like a Sphinx cat next to a Maine Coon cat and it's their birthday.

40:48And then she would send me and there's two cats wearing party hats and don't know about my cats. I'd be like, why was it with this? She's just like, she told me about it. She was like, it's this website and you just tell it stuff. Yeah. I mean, it is exciting. I got sent, my girlfriend's mum sent me a song about my cat that she'd made on AI where she just typed, she found an app where you just make, sings you a song. I've never used it. It was really good. I can't believe there's parents using AI. I've never used it. Yeah, I was like, and I immediately was like, I was making a Radio 4 show at the time and I needed some songs in it.

41:14And I immediately was like, what is this website? This is incredible. She didn't even write the lyrics. She just said, there's a boy called Reese and he's got a cat called Tabitha. She's a ginger cat. She's crazy. Write a song about that. And it was like a country and Western song that was like exactly the tune you'd expected. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a theme tune for the cat, basically, that it came back with. And also, it's like, completely out of the blue you get that text from your girlfriend's mum. So what I'm just like what do I do? Thumbs up it and never reply? I thought your cat I mean maybe this was a different cat but I thought Bob Mortimer named your cat.

41:48Bob Mortimer named my cat. Tabitha Light Source. Oh okay. There you go. Yeah. I know you expected sort of like Mike Twat or something like that. No no I knew it was something like that. It's disrespectful then to not say Tabitha Light Source every time you talk about your cat. Yeah. Okay fine. Especially if you've got Bob Mortimer to name your cat. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite a waste. It is a bit of a waste. I should go tab. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Okay, Tabitha Light Source. Tabitha Light Source. And I'll release the theme tune. Yeah. So these buffalo wings. Yeah. Bad? No, they're actually, the food was amazing in this place.

42:19So this place was a like plastic red and white checkered tablecloth place. And I actually don't think the food came in a basket, but if it did in that kind of dine away, it would not be incongruent with the vibe. And I knew it as a place that my parents, it was like the place people went out at night but I'd not done that yeah but it was also the place you'd go in the day never been out at night no I was 15 so I hadn't been in this no wonder you're paying this was like the cool bar you could go to doesn't make sense yeah it's the opposite this is the they're not some of them are a swing and a miss and you've got to accept that in the amount of game sometimes he has to stop and wash the bottom of his feet sometimes so he's not always on he's not firing them off you were metaphorically you had the soap on toe yeah yeah yeah fair enough but it's But the food was amazing.

43:07We'd go there every Saturday, pretty much, with my dad in the separation year. Yes, the separation year. Me, him and my brother would get... It's such a dad separation place. Sometimes you don't realise that you live in a stereotype until years later. You don't realise you're in a trope. My dad always used to take me to Ed's Diner. That's too on the nose, isn't it? It was good back in the day, Ed's Diner. Yeah, it was the first one, wasn't it? I used to go to the diner all the time in London when I first moved to London, because it was like there was nothing, except Ed's Diner, there was nothing close to it and now that's sort of everything.

43:39Well, Smash Burgers and stuff like that is sort of every place. Back then there was Ed's Diner on, I think it was on King's Road and Johnny Rockets. Now Johnny Rockets was my favourite but Johnny Rockets is gone now. In Billy's, you had to sign a contract if you wanted a rare steak. Wow. What are you talking about? What are you on about, mate? I think this was a thing at the time. It wasn't. No. It wasn't, but carry on. No. It wasn't a thing at the time. The fajitas were loud, the vibes were electric and you had to sign a contract if you wanted your steak rare fajitas have always been loud not as loud as this place what are you talking about I've never heard them louder not before not since I was going to do another attempted rhyme then and I could see that it wasn't going to rhyme Black Axe Mangal as loud as that music not as loud as that music but louder than their fajitas would have been I'm not saying it's the loudest sound of all time I'm saying it's the loudest fajitas you wouldn't know how loud the fajitas are Black Axe Mangal how are they making the fajitas louder than other fajitas good question plate's hotter that's going to be louder bound to be louder the more wood you throw on the bigger a fire gets louder it is yes bigger plate massive plate of fajitas are you sure it's not because was it the first time you'd heard fajitas yes at last it's the memory it's the memory of them only time I've heard fajitas yeah really loud though never heard louder the first time you hear them in a pub as a kid you can't believe it everyone stops everyone looks you can't believe how loud that thing is yeah yeah it's like it's a bit like when a sparkler is coming in like TGI Fridays or something.

45:05Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a sparkler's in a thing. You're like, what the hell is going on? Food shouldn't make noise like this. Yeah. And the fajitas is the exact same, except there's no fire. So you're like, what is the source of this sound? Was your dad trying to explain to you why him and your mum had split up and he was having to speak over the fajitas? Son, it is your fault. Just for a year. Whoa, what's all this racket? This is incredible. Yeah, well, at the time, they didn't know it was just for a year. They didn't go into it going, let's do one year on, one year off. fully committed to like we're done the stereotype I've moved out I'm now your dad I see you on the weekends and we either go to a football match or we go to the pub and we have always same starter buffalo wings best buffalo wings ever yes first ones I've ever had also the loudest buffalo wings I've ever had nachos classic nachos really got all the trimmings yeah and then for a main course I would have a no kissing burger sorry are you saying that's what you would do at billy's yeah billy's I would have a no kissing burger not for this dream menu not for this don't want it for just want the starter the starter is the wings and the nachos we all share that the three of us I'm going to say if we're doing Dream Restaurant I can have everyone I'll let my mum get back involved she's welcome back actually I don't think it'll be the same I think we're going to put our foot down and say that your parents are still separated for the start fine with that for the start your parents are still separated fine with it got an iPod that year that's good what's a no kissing burger Rhys it's a burger with caramelised onions in it so you shouldn't be kissing after it is how they were branding it what?

46:34I would kiss someone after caramelised onions yeah that's sweet raw red onions it's not like raw it's not a raw red onion or anything I'm just telling you the facts yeah but do you believe me now that a restaurant that might call a completely fine to kiss burger a no kissing burger might have the loudest fajitas in the biz yeah I guess so this is now possible this is a novelty restaurant yeah and it was a restaurant I associate with kids cracking their head open now I think that's the problem with this episode is everything you say is another five minutes of chat I think that is that is a thing that happened a lot and has stopped happening sure when I was a kid everyone was cracking their head open every day that's so true every time you went anywhere kids were running around and the parents weren't looking and someone would fall over and crack their head open or knock a tooth out and I assumed skulls are made of nothing they are paper that's why you know I'm so cautious and I'm a dread guy because I see kids all around me kids skulls are opening and I'm thinking while I'm sitting still I'm not going anywhere do you crack your head open ever?

47:33never of course not never broke a bone nothing well I'm worried about cracking my head open in the shower of course you should be you're on the cusp but now my brother has kids I'm often at things where there's loads of kids running around no one cracks their head open ever what's going on? have the skulls got thicker? do we think? it must have done a parent's just more attentive it must be that maybe yeah I crack my head open how many times? once tried to get away from my dad when he was washing my hands and and I slipped on the water slippery hands you put your hands down slipped on the water slipped straight out of the door of the kitchen into the into the corridor still flying and then flew head first into the side of the radiator wow and then I stood up thought fucking shook that chump sat down in the living room with my brother and sister and my mum and everyone watching TV and then one of them I can't remember who went you've got blood pouring down the side of your head wow Wow, what a badass.

48:29So I have. Do you touch the blood? Yeah, yeah. So then you've got to wash your hands again. Probably. Trying to get away. Smack us. Point my nose. Vision just went slowly red like the star of James Bond. Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. All the blood coming down your forehead. Yeah.

48:51Your dream main course, Rhys. We had a lovely trip to Billy's there. It was very nice. I will have Birria Tacos very nice specifically from Big Feastival have you ever performed at Big Feastival I have worst gig I've ever done in my life really it was really it was very far back in the day so now it's run by is it Alex James it's on Alex James' farm yes it wasn't it was on Clapham Common when I did it it was Jamie Oliver's thing yeah and they booked the comedy for when the gates opened and I was on first on the main stage on the main stage yeah absolutely brilliant opening the main stage at opening at the moment the gates open yeah so I could just see families coming in from a mile away and I had to beckon them forward to banter great my god really bad impossible impossible so when I say it's the worst gig it's the answer I give when people ask me what's the worst gig you've ever done in reality it was quite fun because it was impossible so yeah your ceiling becomes very different for what you imagine this gig can be and it becomes well this is 300 plumbers so I'm happy with any laughs but we all had to do that we all get asked what the worst gig we've ever done is and we had to give it basically the most entertainingly unplayable gig we've ever done because actually if we all just say it's a gig I was really looking forward to and it really meant a lot and it meant a lot to me and they basically just didn't laugh and I just felt like fucking jumping off of a fucking building afterwards a gig where everyone it was all set up to be great and everyone else did great and I sort of did fine they're the worst ones by worst ones I felt like shit those ones where something crazy happens and it's like, well, this was never going to be more than a four out of 10 and I kind of got it to there.

50:29That's when you're like, well, whatever. Great. It's funny. You switch it off. Yeah. Loved it. Yeah. So that's what I want. Yeah. And I'd love actually if this is the dream restaurant to be able to watch that before I have this. Because when I had this, Natasha Bedingfield was just there singing unwritten as I was eating this. So that was pretty special. Special for you? That's pretty special. That is the dweebiest thing anyone's ever said. But she was miles in the distance so I could only sort of hear it. I had had a fantastic set because I'm a great comic. And I was, also I was in a comedy tent and it's like a proper festival tent.

51:00And so, and it was like really busy and nice. Yeah. It's on just after Marcel Lucan. Yeah. Oui. He had talked about wine quite a lot because food festival. Yeah. I thought I've got no food stuff. Did the Gouchon's joke, obviously not insane. Brought that back 10 years later. Yeah. Then mostly just bants and then go off and then they give you one food token from one stand, even though it's a food festival. So it's like the whole point is go and sample loads of stands. and I just said what's the best one and they said that beeria right there everyone's just talking about that and I went there straight away and they gave it to me and they give you the dipping thing as well like the thing that they make it in the sort of soupy thing that they cook beer and they give you the dipping thing of that some sort of pickled red cabbage on the side and then I was eating it and because I was doing it just outside the comedy tent I was eating this and everyone was coming up to me out of the comedy tent going we just saw you in the comedy tent and I go yeah yeah yeah you've got to get this you've got to get this it's the best thing I've ever tasted in my life but do you think all the compliments made it taste better.

51:52Oh yeah, I want to be complimented non-stop while eating it. While they're dying on his arse. Ez died on his arse over there. Beddingfield's smashing it. She's smashing it. Smashing it over there. And people are flooding from your stage to Beddingfield. Yeah, of course. Well, there was never enough people watching me at this gig for there to be a flood. Okay, fine. There's a stream of people. Yeah, yeah. There's a trickle. Even a stream, yeah. You didn't get stream level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A drip of people. Yeah, a drip of people, yeah. And they're walking past and they're throwing compliment to the dandy and then they're i'm telling them they've got to eat there they're going we're going to go there later because your recommendations mean something to us carrying on to see bedding field singing what meat is it it varies i think i've only ever had it be beef i think it can be goat i think it's traditionally goat yeah i think it is but i've only ever had it be beef and it's would you have it if it was goat i'm trying to work out how adventurous you are i would yeah yeah yeah i am actually quite adventurous the problem is i went to Mexico at the start of the year and my choice of birria is not from Mexico it's from Alex James as far which I do appreciate is mental yes that's because got really ill immediately in Mexico didn't eat any oh mate I instant not instantly I had about five days in Mexico City eating everything but then one of those things was a street taco from a place called Jenny's Quesadillas which everyone says you've got to go to Jenny's Quesadillas it's the best thing in Mexico City and so we did go to where it said that was on a map ate there we're like everyone there was horrible the food was terrible it just seemed the whole thing just seemed implausible this was like a recommendation from people I know so we were like alright let's not get a second one went to a different taco place like a bit more of a chain but like that was really busy and sort of happening started eating in there it was great while we were there my girlfriend looks up the Google reviews of Jenny's quesadillas all the ones in the last like two months are like this isn't Jenny's quesadillas Jenny has moved this made me the illest I've ever been in my life oh no so you knew it was coming so we've just eaten there and I'm I've written a dread memoir I am a dreader so I'm immediately like my girlfriend's just like ah whatever just like we you know it's either gonna happen or it isn't nothing we can do about it it's too late to like throw it up or anything like that so we're just gonna have to try and enjoy ourselves I'm immediately like I might as well be ill now because I can't do anything so it might as well happen immediately because I'm just like so stressed I'm barely eating the thing in front of me I'm thinking I don't know I don't know what to do oh I am feeling it actually now you say it I feel my tummy's bubbling and that sort of stuff and then yeah then it just went it sort of descended from there and it got to a point when I was like alright I'm going to the hospital it was like stabbing pain in the stomach so this is days later so bad that I'd be on the toilet at 3am thinking like quickly urgently putting towels down in front of me because I thought I will faint fall off this toilet and crack my head open like a kid in Billy's I was like I might as well be in Billy's right now so I was running around Billy's like an idiot yeah so I was doing that and I went to hospital obviously language barrier basically pointed at my stomach did a thumbs down and was like and he just I'd say within 10 minutes he wrote me seven prescriptions he spread bet on what it was and one of them worked and then I was fine you're lucky that worked out you could have gone under the knife woke up with a fake six pack oh yeah like rappers yeah yeah this is this is oh right this is bad I know just the thing I'll sort you out spread bet he either has a stomach infection or he wants abs and we don't know which one so we're doing both have a little look yeah he needs abs do you remember that man on Celeb Big Brother who had that?

55:17He was a paparazzi guy and he was like a huge guy. Like he had Elon Musk's body but he had a fake six pack at the front but it was like it was crazy. He'd had it like put in. But then if you like just go I'm just going to eat whatever I like then do you end up with a big stomach and then does it push the six pack to the front of the stomach? Yeah, yeah. So the six pack stays there no matter how large this guy got and he's quite a large guy. I love it. It was amazing. That's hilarious. It was an extremely simple thing to happen in real life. Yeah. It was fantastic And he had a big pink Mohican, didn't he?

55:47I think. I only remember the six. I remember people showing me the six pack thing. It was crazy. This guy, he's fantastic. I love who he is. He's probably ethically all over the place because he was a big guy. Yeah, I imagine so. He doesn't seem like a good guy. I like him. Not enough people get plastic surgery for a laugh. Exactly. You know what my dream is? Is to disappear from the comedy scene for a while and come back with a BBL. I would love to come back with a big fat ass and just be like, and not reveal it. And I walk up to people face on. Yeah, yeah. and they'd be like, oh, I've just dropped something.

56:17Well, every gig you'd have to come on right from the back of the stage. Yeah, yeah. And then your first big laugh, you turn around to the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just turn around to the side. Knock over the mic stand accidentally on purpose. Turn around to the side. And then never reference it. Well, you'd have to do gigs in like three-sided audiences so you get a massive laugh three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's the dream. So if ever you sort of don't hear from me for a while, that's what I'm doing. Okay. Yeah. Well, we'll know. If you say like, you know, I've quit, will be like because his family only quit for a year.

56:46Yeah. He'll be back. He'll be back in a year with everything. He's healing is what's happening. Yeah, yeah. He's healing the bum scars. Those tacos sound great. That's a great main course. Very grown up as well. Thank you. It's still a sandwich, arguably. Would you say a taco? Oh, I see that. Now, no, surely not. Ooh. Interesting. I find interesting. Well, it's not bread, is it? Has to be bread. You're saying it's not bread? Is it not bread? It's more of a wrap. What's a wrap? Is wrap not bread? is wrap not bread no tortilla's not bread yeah okay it's corn yeah but they also with birria which I don't think they do with other tacos they dip it in the soup as well to fry it and they fry it in that don't they and so the whole thing is just the most flavourful thing in the world yeah it's crazy the dip is just so good but you can't really get a good one in the UK except from Big Feastival I think it's called Bab House they're called and I genuinely don't think you can get them anywhere else I think you can get other ones in the UK that are as good not just at Big Feastival I saw you have birria tacos yeah at the Lone Star in Buxton yeah and that's in the UK and they were absolutely amazing yeah and we were on the run and we only got he only got halfway through them because we had to leave did it feel better because you were on the run though no no it felt better that's a risky genre of food to go for on the run I thought I thought we'd all chilled out for a bit so it felt better because I was like we're all relaxing and then we had to run back to the scout hut to get all luster this episode is sponsored by ZocDoc have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start, we've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc.

58:17Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed, but we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key, it was on New Year's Day, and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list.

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59:13your dream side dish reese well this is from mexico is it boopy food this is in the well in the tech so a little bit my my palate so we then went to oaxaca city after mexico city this is very by the way a lot of the things you've picked are way spicier than i thought you'd go for yeah well you haven't heard all these dishes well done young man you're not gonna like all these dishes one bit but towards the tail i went to oaxaca city right and i'd been really ill and so my palate for Mexican food. Also, Oaxaca City is the home of mole. You know, mole is like incredibly rich, often quite spicy. And the last thing you want, if you've been shitting your brains out for the last week.

59:47And my palate has changed to not want the taste of Mexican food. And now I'm in Oaxaca City, which is a city, but is much more of a remote feeling place than Mexico City. They have a lot more traditional dishes and you can't get, it's not like being in London or Leeds, where it's all the same things you can have. You can't get loads of stuff. It's not like London. I've not been to Oaxaca City but I understand it's not like London or Leeds it's not like London it's not like the comparison between London and Leeds yeah oh okay I thought you were giving two examples of metropolitan cities no what I meant was you can leave London and go to Leeds and get all the same stuff yes okay but just different versions of the same stuff but Five Guys will be in both for example now I understand this is not like that it's like leaving London and going to Oaxaca City yeah it's completely different stuff we've got Oaxaca in London I'm struggling yeah it's not like that and it's spelt differently as well yeah OAX but so what I did for sort of safety for a bit but also because my palate changed I was like right I want to have pizzas so I would just have a pizza then I found out there's a certain type of cheese in Oaxaca City that isn't pasteurised and so our stomach can't process it and it made me way more ill oh wow the Oaxaca cheese it's illegal yeah Oaxaca cheese is delicious but it's illegal to bring to the UK is it because it's not pasteurised in the right way and it can be I don't know I don't know anything but something like that I think you can get it in the UK.

1:01:06It's America who have different rules on pasteurization. You probably can't get it in America. But either way, it was fucking with me even more. And I didn't know what was going on and why, because I thought, but I'm playing it safe. Then we went to this really fancy restaurant on the last day. Also, my girlfriend's fine throughout all of this, by the way. Of course. Of course she is. Called La Vondra de Ola. And it's really interesting, fancy Mexican dishes. But I was really trying my best, because it was the last day, and it was just like, whatever. and this one that came out was just every type of tomato in Mexico and they came over and it was like it's the most amazing plate of food I've ever seen in my life even though it's just tomatoes which you think I had a plate of water but it was the freshest you know what I mean was it in a panini?

1:01:48they weren't hot then shut your mouth secret ingredient hot tomato they were so amazing and it was like there were green ones there were red ones I wouldn't be surprised if there was a blue one on there yeah I would be there wasn't a blue one they came along and they were like those ones will be sweet those ones will be sour those ones will be in between they were just describing and with better language than that frankly yeah yeah but it was basically StarMix but for tomatoes I see you know what I mean it's like I had a whole is that how they said described it to you as well these are tankfastics these are StarMix they took one look at you and they went I recognise him from the packet yeah exactly and then it was on like a underneath it was like a beetroot puree thing.

1:02:32It was also quite sweet. And just every single one, like, you know, then we're having fun because we're going, what's your favourite one? Oh, I like those ones. Oh, and they also... The fact you have to say that about your girlfriend. We were having fun. And then we're having fun. Then we're having fun. Because we manufactured a conversation about the dish we were eating. What's your favourite one? Hello, darling. What's your favourite one? My dad took me to Billy's every Saturday. He said, what's your favourite wing? What's your favourite wing? I know me and you aren't together anymore, but we can still have fun with food.

1:02:58And then, But they're all different shapes as well. Yeah. You know what I mean? Some of them were flower type shapes. What's your favourite shape? Some of them were circles. What's your favourite shape? Favourite flavour? Yeah. And then some of them were little tiny, little tiny sort of pellet sized tomatoes. Yeah. Some of them big. It sounds genuinely incredible. Would you like to see a picture? I would, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is this going to be a joke? Yeah, not with your dad cracking his head open at Billy's. Wow. That is beautiful. Real nice. Yeah. That's what it looks like.

1:03:27I'm into it. Benito loves it. Absolutely amazing. Yeah. That's what I want as a side dish to the... So Mexican themed, but only one of them actually from Mexico.

1:03:40Your dream drink? Kel's orange soda. Yeah. Finally someone picks this. Finally. No one before? No one's picked Kel's orange soda. I don't know whether I want to be Kel for it or not. I don't know. His life seems pretty stressful. But this is a soda that has defined a man. Yeah. His one character trait of this guy is he likes this drink. And everyone thinks he's dead all the time. That's in real life. Yeah, okay. If you have him on... If we have him on... If you have him on this... Oh, you should have him on this. What drink's he going to make? No, we can't have him on. He's dead. He's died. He hasn't died.

1:04:14That's like the Frosty's kid. Frosty's kid? Is that your generation? Frosty's kid. It's a tiger, Rhys. It's the kid who was in the Gonna Taste Great advert. Remember him? Yeah. They're Gonna Taste Great. Yeah, I do remember that. But everyone says he's dead. He's dead. killed himself that's what everyone said at school he said he got so much abuse of people taking the piss out of him in the playground saying he's going to taste great that he took his own life that's what people said at school and then another rumor went around like no he just moved to South Africa wow that's what went around my school yeah it must be the same as the Kel one that Kel's dead that must have gone around school yeah I mean Kel being dead yeah it does the rounds every couple of years yeah every couple of years still going people still going about Kel's being dead but it's getting to a point where it's not that you know he's getting to an age where it's not that shocking no and the real the real sadness is that Keenan's on TV all the time yeah so we can never we can never suggest he's dead well Kel's an addict remember he's addicted to this orange soda in his life so he's let it get the best of him and that's why I would like to experience it as me first to be like is this man insane then I'd like to be Kel because just to love anything as much as he loves this thing yeah I would love to feel like that he's certainly eccentric he's not like he's a bit bonkers yeah so like you gotta expect it's gonna be like I mean it does look like a bright and more vivid orange than any other orange soda I've seen yeah thanks Jamie Oliver he put paid to that in this country didn't he yeah the Sunny D days growing up it feels like a sort of similar color to those we're a Sunny D kid look I don't think I was allowed Sunny D I wasn't allowed Sunny D I wasn't allowed to watch 15s and I wasn't allowed Sunny D I had one sip of Sunny D once I thought it genuinely tasted like piss.

1:05:58I didn't go near Sunny D after that. Really? It did taste delicious. I found it really. It was horrible. It was amazing, but I would not have been allowed that. I loved the Florida one. There was Florida and California flavors. Of course, you know the different flavors. But we had to really pester our parents for a long time before we got a Sunny D. And even then, it was like, okay, one a year. You're not having enough. We're not going nuts with this. This is crazy. I would have been the same I think yeah same with yeah things I pestered my parents for are that and can I see Austin Powers I spent begging my parents to let me do the first one or the second one don't know I think when Austin Powers first came out I would have been there's a thing in the book about how much I used to lie specifically to my friends about how I've seen bits of Austin Powers because they would go oh have you seen I'd go yeah and then they'd go oh this bit when he goes that and I'd go oh yeah I've only seen bits of it and that's not one of the bits even though it was only out in cinema you haven't been to TikTok so exactly I watched it in YouTube shorts but it was only in cinema so you know if you've only seen bits of it then you're running out of the cinema every five minutes yeah that's crazy the line never held up but I would have done the same I would have been like oh Sunny D is well nice because I would have saved face non-stop still do that but I would have saved face I've never had those tomatoes in my life but I would have saved face I've been done by AI again haven't I AI tomatoes there's only one type of tomato Ed show me a plate of lovely tomatoes show me loads of tomatoes chuck a blue one in there Kale's orange soda though I feel like I think you do see that colour orange in different countries still maybe yeah well we've talked about Nigerian Fanta on the podcast a lot so it's probably that isn't it effectively yeah it's probably unbranded for the sake of Nickelodeon it was the colour of the Nickelodeon logo yeah was Keenan and Kale on Nickelodeon is this all going to be a secret brand type because it was we've been duped by a secret brand type yeah it was definitely on Nickelodeon because they had the Nickelodeon yeah they said that Nick Nick Nick thing in the theme song didn't they yeah filmed in front of a live studio audience I feel like it was then just straight into Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick yeah it's the same colour as the Nicolette I can't believe we've been duped this is a whole different podcast this is an investigative podcast yeah this is This American Life we're changing to This American Lifestyle podcast what do you imagine it tastes like or do you just want you want to be that passionate about something I do want to be that passionate about something I want to love something as much as as Kel loves that orange cider yeah yeah yeah I mean you've got a girlfriend yeah it would be psychotic yeah it'd be weird to love her as much as Kel loves that That would be wild.

1:08:25Really? Yeah, I've done my girlfriend. Just running around screaming about how much you love your girlfriend to everyone. I think I forgot how much Kel loves on this show. When people love another person, they say, I do, once. Kel says it six times every time. I do, I do, I do, I do. Imagine saying that in your vows. If you married Kel, you'd feel so disappointed because he would just go, yeah, I do. If that guy's married, there's no way he didn't do that. He can't. I'd imagine his partner had a word with him beforehand and went, please don't make this all about you. If I was marrying him, I would do it before he could.

1:08:58So it's like, you get a laugh. Oh yeah, that's better. If when they got married, his partner did it. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Everyone would be like, that's funny. Keenan rolling in the aisles. Yeah. If he does it, it's like, oh no. Keenan was probably the celibate. Why? You imagine so. Best man minimum. Best man minimum. His catchphrase was, why? Was it? I never really watched it. Watched it all the time. So it's this show. There's a guy in it. The main thing about him. I like the front of curtain stuff. They do front of curtain stuff at the top, didn't they? They do front of curtain stuff like Mighty Boosh.

1:09:26Very. Well, no, it's a musical tradition. First time I saw it, Mighty Boosh. No, it was Keenan. Keenan, Keenan, Keenan. Yeah, I think it would just be, it just must just be really sweet. Oh, it'll send you mad as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like E-numbers and like just like... Yeah, yeah. There's a real chance I'm cracking my head open after drinking it because I'm sprinting around. Oh, yeah. I think that'd be a good thing for you. crack my head open I think you just got to get it done and then you won't be scared of it anymore yeah I'm breaking a bone I'm the same never broken a bone and do you feel like it's holding you back I worry about it every day does it stop you doing certain activities like what what am I doing now bungee no I wouldn't do bungee anyway stupid skydive wouldn't do it anyway stupid also if I'm doing a skydive I'm not worrying about a broken bone what are you worrying about well if I hit the floor it's not just going to be my bones that are broken I've broken my bones Oh no, my bones have broken.

1:10:20I've broken my toe because I landed from a plane jump. Okay, fine. What about certain sports? You don't want to do them anyway. You could break a leg playing football. Yeah, but I wouldn't do that anyway. You went to his mate Stag do and didn't play football when everyone else was playing football. I was injured. From what? Deadlifting. So you would deadlift? I would deadlift, but how would you break a bone deadlifting? Are you injured yourself? Lift it too hard. Drop it. Lift it wrong. Move weirdly. quickly decide to wash your foot while you're doing it drop the weight on your toe I do but the idea I don't worry about doing things because I might break a bone I worry about what it would feel like if I broke one yeah I don't think I'd be able to cope with it bad I think it'd feel bad yeah have you ever broken a bone?

1:11:05yeah broke my arm when I was a kid pretending to be a zombie walking down the stairs Amish just scaring the Amish just scaring the local Amish people how did that happen then? so you I was walking with my arms out it's going to be a zombie we've not heard this before have we and then the kite and I fell down the stairs broke my arm because I didn't I didn't change how my arms were you committed so hard to the zombie that you didn't move your arms method you went method but you the whole point of like arms is that it breaks your fall so you want to get them out if you're going to fall you want to get your arms out quickly exactly the position they'd already have been yeah but you don't start with them like that yeah but you've got them locked and loaded ready to go to break your fall we broke his arm yeah he did in the end I was too young to understand what the term break your fall means I didn't even remember it I was just told it by him it's like I've never seen photos of myself of a broken arm as a little kid and had to ask what happened what's going on there and they were like you've been a zombie so we broke your arm yeah we were sick of it we broke your arm that's the only bone I broke yeah yeah there was just like it always seemed like and this probably isn't true and is another fake school memory always seemed like there was like a kid at school who had a bone sticking out of their leg.

1:12:23What? I don't mean generally. I mean, it's like, have you heard? Tristan fell over this morning and broke his leg and a bone, the shin sticking out the top of it and that would just go around and then what would happen is you'd imagine that and make the thing you imagined your memory of it and think, I saw that and it was awful so now I know that can happen even though it didn't and it was just a fake memory. I think I have said this on the podcast before but I'm going to say it again just in case. My mum, you know that thing of you don't make that stupid face if the wind changes it'll stay like that.

1:12:49My mum for a long time was like that happened to a girl at my school. Wait and but genuinely believed it. Yeah she was like let herself believe it into adulthood. She went we all broke up for the summer we came back and her face was different because the wind had changed. And when at what point did she clock that it was I don't I think she still probably slightly you've taken the piss out of her for it but she still harbors a belief that that's real. If you don't want to believe it you don't have to but it definitely happened like that sort of. I love that oh my god yeah eyes go square in front of the TV kind of thing yeah that would be crazy wouldn't it it would be brilliant when I was told stuff like that I would think this would be amazing I'd be the only one with square eyes everyone's going to think I'm so cool really you're someone everyone would go oh cool Lisa's got square eyes now I wanted braces when I was a kid because I thought braces are sick I said braces are so cool but it's because I was 10 and teenagers had braces I think if there was a teenager with a square eyes I did have braces yeah the strangest teeth I've ever seen and how did you feel when you got the braces I protested and said I like my teeth as they are I like looking distinctive did you yeah but it was a lie the last thing I wanted to do was stand out at that time once I'd become a teenager but I just was scared of getting the braces on so I just said well I've got some good news for you you still look distinctive Rhys it's thanks to your teeth yeah yeah they've maintained but they didn't finish he said it was never finished I kept breaking it because I would chew pens and stuff and I would always break the brackets off I got to 18 with them on wow or like about to be 18 in a week or something and then he was just like I'll just take them off yeah this they're good enough I'll take them off but he did say they're not done yet yeah and I'm sort of like what else can you do yeah I mean you're straight they are straight I think they stick out a bit like that oh is that what I think it must be that so you can't see it from the front it's like Brazilian butt if you turn to the side turn to the side and then we can see all my secrets are revealed if I turn to the side you know everything about me yeah as long as I'm face on I'm concealing I'm concealing a lot your silhouette when you get that butt lift smile with the butt lift teeth poking out the front like a beak butt lift like I just look like a duck that's just exactly the same for the duck I've got the exact silhouette of a duck everyone says this comedian should have a distinctive silhouette yeah but only side on yeah normal default guy that's what he said side on duck everyone is saying so my Richard Osmond's House of Games thing you're like that could be anyone yeah yeah but suddenly but hole in the wall yeah yeah yeah it's got to be a duck shaper I'm not getting through it

1:15:24your dream dessert Rhys well look I want butterscotch angel delight but David Tennant had that and loads of people have had that so I won't have it I'll have another thing that I used to have a lot when I was a kid and that I invented and that is oven Yorkshire puddings oh god here we go oven is this the is this secret ingredient no Ed famously he doesn't like Yorkshire puddings, hates them. So you've got a lot to do here to convince him. You hate them on a roast or something. Yeah, but I think I'm going to hate them here as well. But carry on. May I introduce you to someone called Aunt Bessie?

1:15:55Okay? Yeah. Little packet of oven Yorkshire puddings. They're sort of like smaller than hand size. Yeah. Three of them. Scoop of vanilla ice cream in each. Golden syrup over the top of them. And on the side, I want a punnet of Glace cherries. So you invented this? I started this. Has it got a name? It's a Dutch baby. Look it up. Benito, look it up. Dutch baby. Dutch baby. Look up Dutch baby. Dessert. Dutch baby dessert. It's a Dutch baby. Well, it's similar. Carry on. Oh, similar, yeah. So I did invent it. Well, the cherries and the maple syrup, I guess, you'll throw it on. Golden syrup. I'm talking Lyle's paint tin of golden syrup that takes ages to drip on the thing.

1:16:37Well, it takes ages to open if you used it once. Yeah, exactly. Because what's in the tin seals the tin. Yeah, it's resealed itself and it's completely stuck to the back of it. But it's a look up Dutch, baby. And I... Glace cherries would not be on top. I'm not putting them on top. I just want glace cherries as well. He's doing it. I do want to check because I think I might be wrong. I think for me, I'm a dessert boy. I love desserts. This sounds terrible. I was very excited at the Yorkshire pudding with the ice cream in it and then when you added the syrup and the cherries, I thought that's...

1:17:06Cherries are not on it. Cherries are a side. Cherries are on the side. You're eating them. I'm eating them, but not at the same time. Pop a cherry while I wait for the Bessies. First Bessie down, palate cleanser. Second Bessie down. No, I don't need one for this time. And then I'll finish the punnet afterwards. Glace cherries are the most delicious thing that's ever been invented. And more food should be Glace'd. I do like Glace cherries. I do like them. I like my favourite. I don't know what the cherries are that they put in cocktails. I like those ones the best. They're better. That's Glace, isn't it?

1:17:36No. Glace ones are the ones that are on top of a Bakewell tart. Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. That's what I would have in the Angel Delight. If I had that buzz, I'd have that and I'd have like hundreds of thousands or something like that. But is this a Dutch baby? Dutch baby pancake. Yeah, but that's... Oh, pancake. Have I said the word pancake at any point? I think so. Well, what do you think Yorkshire pudding is you absolute moron? It's pancake batter. It's pancake batter without sugar in it. Oh, we're back to is this a sandwich, are we? Or is this a pancake? No, this is what I wanted to check.

1:18:04Oh, you know what I'm going to have on my roast? Yeah, I'm going to have a lovely joint of beef. I'm going to have carrots. I'm going to have potatoes. Can I have a pancake on there? Rhys, my love. I'll never read anything. A Dutch baby pancake, sometimes called a German pancake, a Bismarck. I'm not saying that. Fuck. That's genuinely a slur. A hooligan or a hootenanny is a dish that is yummy. No, read that a lot. Similar to a large Yorkshire pudding. Thank you. It doesn't have ice cream in it. You can put ice cream on it. Oh, wait. Sorry. I'm not claiming to have invented the Yorkshire pudding.

1:18:34Last time I had a Dutch baby, I had ice cream on it. I didn't say. That saying... Oh, so Ed's had... Don't bury the headline here. Ed had a Dutch baby and he came to say hate Yorkshire puddings oh a Dutch baby lover yeah I had it because I was with Chloe Petz and she wanted to have a Dutch baby did she even read the description of what it was or did she just go Dutch baby having that Dutch baby having that yeah fair enough it was at One Club Row which is an excellent restaurant and it was quite delicious oh I've had it there as well actually yeah yeah oh and I've had that and it's nothing like this it's nothing like this I've had that I got the Dutch baby there for that exact same reason and when I got it sorry so you have had a Dutch baby yeah this is yeah but there's nothing like what this is but the base is a Yorkshire pudding this tastes more like at Mr Wong's in Melbourne they do deep fried ice cream I'm sure they do this loads of places it's the only place I've ever had it and it's like a ball of ice cream that is in batter Sydney is that in Sydney I think so could there be more than one could there there definitely could be yeah let us find out we google Dutch baby we can google Mr Wong South Acton it's in South Acton sorry Mr Wong's in South Acton

1:19:36you've got to keep yourself in you've got to keep yourself in that's so funny You've got to keep yourself in. It's going to be in this episode.

1:19:45Well, me quibbling over where Mr Wong is. So, yeah. But also the ice cream fills the... So, Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings have like a... The valley of them is very uniform because they're frozen Yorkshire puddings that you heat up and it's just like the exact size of a scoop of ice cream. Yeah, that's cool. So, it completely fills it. And then you can, you know... I was knife and fork, actually, I think, for this. in a bowl chasing it around the bowl but sometimes you know if I felt like it I'm having it like a sandwich yeah and yeah I will accept that it's a sandwich even though it's hinged at the bottom yeah that the most incredible flavour it's got to be basic vanilla ice cream like the most basic possible I tried it with that Madagascan cart door one it's just too bougie oh really you can't have the bougie ice cream with it it's got to be like basic like supermarket vanilla cheapest one in a Tupperware that might yeah yellow yeah like kids want the flavour is yellow yeah yeah yeah that's perfect because the flavour's coming from the syrup really or that ice cream there's some ice cream that's so bad that it's vegan but it's not accidentally vegan it's not like this is vegan ice cream it's just it's marketed as ice cream it's not marketed as vegan there's just so little in it there's just no actual yeah this is vegan yeah I know what you mean I mean that one tends to be like stark white yeah so white it's called like Swedish block or something yeah awful very disappointing when you're an ice cream addicted kid and you get given that and you're like here we go best part of the day what the fuck is this you've got Swedish block Swedish block on your Dutch baby yeah we're back in the EU back in the bloody EU that's why we left because of all that red tape from the Swedish block and the Dutch baby people in previous generations had too many bad experiences with desserts and weird definitions of them yeah what is a pancake then and we just went forget it let's get out if they'd said that in the campaign I'd have voted leave if they'd told me that if I'd had this conversation where you've accused me of stealing from the Dutch.

1:21:39Yeah. It's a Dutch baby. It's not a Dutch baby. It was a Dutch baby in that one restaurant. That says, Wikipedia says a Dutch baby is just the Yorkshire pudding. I did not say I am Aunt Bessie. I said I've invented this combination. All right, well. I hope that after this podcast has gone out that people shout Dutch baby at you in the street because I think people who haven't listened to the podcast will think it's an appropriate insult for you as well. You do look a bit like a Dutch baby. You could be a Dutch baby. Yeah. I've had Haribo kid and Dutch baby. Dandy. Not called you a ghost the whole time.

1:22:12Yeah. Do you get called a ghost sometimes? He likes to call me that, yeah. He likes it. I do like it. Victorian ghost. What did you call me? Ghost of a boy who died in a coal mine. Ghost of you when you died in a coal mine when you were 12. That's what he called me on national television. Quite complicated, but it made the edit. Davo, it did. All because he didn't want to have to talk about Jeremy Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn comes up, picture of him. We've got nothing to say about that. he goes we look like brothers we look like brothers don't we 10 minutes of the show down that's all in the edit loved it I remember the Corbyn years yeah always straight into something about someone on the panel instead yeah Victor and VJ menu back to you now see how you feel about it you would like you're going to be double part here the San Pellegrino and the Aquapanna yes please the water daddy pop-doms or bread you want the chilli cheese toast from Deshoom starter buffalo wings and nachos from Billy's in Harpenden main course beer tacos from the Bab House house at the big festival side dish Oaxacan tomatoes with beetroot puree from Lavendra de Ola Lavendra de Ola drink Kells orange soda dessert free Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings a scoop of vanilla ice cream with golden syrup and Glacier cherries Glacier cherries aka Dutch baby I'm so happy about the menu until then.

1:23:36It's a really nice menu. You happy with that? Did it match expectations? Hand on my heart, even just before James read it out, I would have said it's going to be a bad menu. Yeah. Having sat through it all. Yeah, having sat through it all. This will be terrible. Really fun chat, but very chaotic. At no point during it did I think, Rhys is doing a good menu here. Yeah. And it's been read out. It's really nice. Apart from the starter. The chili cheese toast. The wings and nachos. I bet they're great. They're lovely. Sometimes you just like... South Squires. I love fake American food. Yeah. Yeah.

1:24:05you've got to be out of baskets. Yeah. Oh, you won't like it because it's nostalgic for us because our dad's left. Oh, yeah. Only for a bit, my back. My dad's still around. Shout out to your big guy if you're listening. Rhys, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me and thank you to my dad for coming back. Thanks to my dad as well. It worked out fine in the end. Thank you, Rhys. Thank you to your pets.

1:24:30Well, thank you, Rhys. Thanks for coming on. Thank you for coming on, Rhys. And thank you for wearing a tux, finally. Yeah, actually. It was nice to have this podcast showing the respect it deserves by a guest finally. Your little tux looked very nice. The sort of one you could put on a ventriloquist dummy. Yeah, and like, look, I don't want to be rude, but he looks like one. We didn't roast him this much on the episode. Huh? We didn't even roast him this much when he was here. Yeah, well, he's a very quick-witted man. Yeah, it's best to just do it from a distance. Yeah, I don't want to know that I'm going to get roasted in return.

1:25:06He's probably going to say some really cutting stuff. Yeah, really horrible stuff. But this way, we're safe. So much easier to bully someone when they're not in the room. Behind the bomb-proof glass. We're fine. He can't get us. Rhys, of course, did not say Rhys' Pieces. No. I wouldn't have expected him to. No. Actually, maybe. He could have written a joke about it and go, I'm going to say Rhys' Pieces. Yeah, yeah. Make the dessert all about my name. Yeah. It would have been out. So, I don't think it's out of the question. Shame. Which means we can promote his book. you'll like it when you get there available now we're promoting it we're promoting it he's a brilliant writer look the book's going to be fantastic yeah it will be go and buy the book from wherever you get books from yeah yeah it's up to you that's your business audiobook as well yeah you can listen to him yeah he's got a lovely voice you've just heard it lovely voice yeah so if you want to hear that voice for six hours I guess yeah get the audiobook I'm touring Europe in November America in February next year pop yourself on to me website edgamble.co.uk okay and go and buy yourself a ticket I'll do it thank you for listening to Off Menu goodbye bye