Sharon Wanjohi

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0:49Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, filming the deer hunter of Kuma, sitting by the river choir friendship and eating the cobra of food podcasts. Filming.

1:00James Acaster: that is a gamble my name is James A. because Robert De Niro is filming Deer Hunter they sat by the river quire and he ate Cobra so that's the intro to give a real dream restaurant every single week basic man we're inviting a guest we ask for their favourite ever star Robert De Niro is on the podcast side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Sharon Wanjohi a wonderful comic Sharon is absolutely brilliant I've gigged with her a few times she's always fantastic she's got a great vibe yeah so I'm looking forward to having her on the pod we've never gigged together Sharon and I no I've watched her videos on YouTube think she's very funny and heard so many good things from so many comedians I'm very excited to actually finally be in the room James doesn't gig with any new comics because he refuses to do mixed bill shows yes why do I have to do that why don't you do a mixed bill show James likes to go to the Bill Murray and do his little shows for everyone yes and not look another comedian in the eye bullseye you're looking at bullseye you're looking at bullseye but you won't look in a comedian's eye I'm all looking at bullseye yeah I'm not scared but listen I'm excited to be on a podcast yes with an up and coming comedian absolutely however if Sharon says the secret ingredient an ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable then we will be kicking her out of the dream restaurant and this week the secret ingredient is anything that's good anything that's good anything that's good another reference to Bob De Niro?

2:28James Acaster: Yeah, we're recording this on the day that the De Niro episode went out. So there is a lot of talk about someone suggested online that we had anything as long as it's good. Which was Bob's answer to a lot of the courses, which we respect. So Sharon would have to say that phrase. So we're not going to get rid of Sharon if she says anything that's good. But if she says anything as well as long as it's good, then out. Yes, bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. Also, huge shout out to the person who commented that it was a real shame that Robert De Niro had done our podcast because it means like it gave this particular listener the vision of a dystopian future where even this amazing Hollywood star has to go on these silly little podcasts and promote their wares.

3:19James Acaster: And then they ended the post, I believe, by saying, no disrespect to the lads. Yeah, it really made me laugh. Yeah. Ed shared that on the off-menu WhatsApp group this morning. Bonito shared it, yeah. But I was very glad to see it. Either way, I was delighted to see it. It was very, very funny. Very good. That person's listening, thank you very much. We appreciate you being in our corner. Yeah. Sharon is doing her debut show at the Edinburgh Fringe at the Pleasants. So if you're heading up to Edinburgh, make sure you grab what is definitely going to be a hot ticket. Yeah, you've got to get along to that show.

3:54James Acaster: But for now... This is the off-menu menu of Sharon Wanjohi.

4:06Welcome, Sharon, to the dream restaurant. Welcome, Sharon Wanjohi, to the dream restaurant.

4:12James Acaster: We've been here for some time. Hum-mina, hum-mina, nino, nino. Sorry, I thought we were doing sound effects when I got really excited. I mean, James was doing a sound effect, I suppose, of bursting out of a lamp, but hum-mina, hum-mina, nino, nino. I haven't heard Humana Humana in ages. We need to bring it back. Humana Humana supremacy. Where was the last time you heard Humana Humana? I mean, it's got to be a cartoon or an American sitcom of some sort. I'm pretty sure that growing up, someone would quite regularly say Humana Humana. What's your frame of reference for that show? Just on the streets.

4:43I think it's the go-to cat call. I heard it this morning on the way here. Someone said Humana Humana to you? Oh yeah, I was disgusted. But it's vintage. I was kind of like, okay, I see a throwback. When you turned around, did it turn out that the person who said it was a cartoon wolf and their tongue was unrolling and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hit themselves on the head with a mallet and their eyes burst out there.

5:04James Acaster: Nino Nino, I've heard. Yeah. That's classic. More recent. That's never going away. No, hey. I haven't heard it after Humana Humana before. Humana Humana. Nino Nino. Someone haven't heard that. Nino Nino is a good one. What a welcome. Are you a foodie? I eat food okay yes I think that's the full extent I'm not like a this pairs well with a whale fin sourced in Iceland in 2040 like I'll just if it looks good I'm eating it would you eat a whale fin that was sourced in Iceland in 2014 maybe in secret yeah in secret maybe if no one found out just to say I did it yeah you know I'd want to yeah you can't say you did it because it's in secret to myself as in I walk around with my head held high and I'd be like I ate a whale fin anyone brings you down anyone says hummina hummina to you on the street hey buddy I ate a whale thing I'll have you know actually I think that would work I think if if you get the cat callers yeah yeah I think they would back off yeah if someone said I ate a whale thing I ate a whale thing please I'd call the police if someone said that to me nino nino they're coming with the nino ninos you've got a show that you're taking to the Edinburgh Festival I am very exciting can you reveal what it's called no because I haven't named it yet great it's still three months it's still cooking in the belly no we won't today is the way we're going to come up with the name at some point during the episode together we're all going to hummina hummina it's obviously the front runner yeah yeah yeah how are you spelling that for the poster h-u-m-i hum i is that crazy i see an i in it for some reason i is a very sexy letter i think so i think it has that kind of is it the sexiest letter no i'd argue it's e e yeah it's like curvy but in like a sharp way the best of both worlds you know lowercasey no hell no how dare you have some respect for me please uppercasey uppercasey obviously is that curvy yeah I think so it's like a 90s supermodel maybe like euro the euro maybe that's what it is maybe that's the association like e italians wait do they use euros in Italy last time I checked okay thank you I've never been so I don't know I'm glad that Ed knows stuff.

7:21James Acaster: That's true, right? Because this podcast will be a bit of shit. Google what currency they use in Italy. Okay, so Humana Humana Nino Nino is currently the frontrunner for what your show is going to be called. What can people expect from this show? The debut show? Yes, my first baby. I'm going to be a mother, you guys. What can people expect? Fun, pussy money, weird, good vibes, cool people, two for one entry. I don't know I just want to talk about life yeah I think I might be the first person to do that I don't think anyone said ever back to back it's about pussy money weed two for one entry does that not make you excited to come?

8:01I guess like pussy money weed I hear that and it's I'm thinking someone's talking about having a lot of money rather than it being good value for the people who are paying to see that yeah sure

8:10James Acaster: you don't turn up and expect to hear about a bunch of bargains yeah some money saving tips I mean we've had some people come on the podcast in the past and choose weed really yeah as a as an option as a pairing thing with beautiful yeah with with dishes genius has anyone done pills yet no i don't know you prefer pills is this is this on record i've never tried drugs is this thing on i've never tried drugs ever i've never taken a paracetamol i've never tried coffee how dare you even insinuate that. I'm a good Christian woman. I'll have you know, I don't even have the wine at church. Would you like to speak about your favourite bits of the Bible?

8:56Oh, all of it is so juicy. I don't even know where to begin. What's your favourite part of the Bible?

9:02James Acaster: What was my favourite part? I like it when Jesus trashes the temple. Yeah. That is good, actually. That gets glossed over so much. The fact he absolutely trashed the fuck out of a temple once. It was really boring. Not what we're supposed to do. Have you read that one, the bit that's supposed to be like, that was edited out of the Bible, like Jesus as a teenager when he like blinds a kid? No. What? Have you read that one? No. Look out, Benita. That's true. Apparently there's a bit of the Bible they cut out. It's about, because you never hear about Jesus as a teenager. No. And like one of the stories is he gets annoyed with a kid and blinds him with his magic powers.

9:34Oh my God. Jesus has an Asbo. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

9:39James Acaster: That's so fun. Makes sense that he would. Have an Asbo. Or that he would not, you know, grow it up with his powers. That he, as a teenager, he would misuse them at some point. It makes sense. I think they should have left it in. Like that connects me more to Jesus. Yeah, 100%. Like we all had difficult teenage years, right? Exactly. If I was at House Party and I could turn water wine. I'm doing that to humans, mate. Water to aftershocks. Water to WKB. I hadn't even been invented yet. Everyone's like, what is this? Blue liquid. This is great. I'm going to have a hangover for sure. But then I guess if it is like during the school years, it will get a bit Harry Potter, won't it?

10:16James Acaster: A bit like the Harry Potter series, I imagine. The Christians are going to come for you. Yeah. My parents are Christians, so they're going to get me straight away. You should have said that stuff, you're going to hell. Benito, I want to be factually accurate. What are we looking at here? Benito can't find anything about blinding a kid, so now I'm worried I've made that up. So apologies to anyone who's across the scripture. if you start a rumour about Jesus that's cool yeah give it 100 years that's happened yeah yeah that's true

10:48James Acaster: we always start with still a sparkling water Sharon do you have a preference? sparkling all the way all the way all the way I love it it makes me feel like it's like the water equivalent of an LSD trip but I've never done drugs so I wouldn't know what that feels like you're obsessed with them yeah you're our most drug obsessed guest ever yeah but you've never done them you just like the idea I just like the idea of them I imagine that's what it'd be like love a bit sparkling water I like it when it's like a brand you've never heard of before and it's like at the back of the fridge no one's touched it for like 25 years and it just tastes like TV static put that inside me that's interesting because we've had the TV static thing before but it's normally people saying that they hate that but you like the idea of tasting TV static I think it's so whimsical yeah how many how many parts of the day do we get to inject a bit of whimsy have some funny water that bubbles on your tang it's so like bubble bubbles Doyle and travel it's great I love it you went into witch territory at the end yes is that not allowed no you can I'm just wondering if that's the vibe you'd like for your watercourse do you want do you want it from a cauldron oh my god bubbling yes I want to see like a frog leg just kind of hanging on the side get me a glass of that please waiter I'll have ten do they all hang out in groups of three witches is it well that's the classic it is the classic that's the stereotype and we don't really like that stereotype we?

12:07yeah like I'll have like a big you know a trip to Magaluf with the girls and it's like seven of us so it's not always just like three witches sometimes it's more sometimes it really depends on the friendship you form you know

12:16James Acaster: how many are going to Magaluf for witches seven it was meant to be seven one dropped out yesterday which is really annoying because we've kind of already paid for everything but you know she's trying to get eye of new at the moment which is really hard so you know we'll leave her to do her thing and just kind of send her pictures in the group chat you know when you get the eye of new does it have to be alive the new as you scoop it out it depends on what you're trying to do with it I think if it's like topical I think it's better to have it powdered then you can control the kind of we've really kind of I'm actually thinking about it now I'm like where can I get Eye of New yeah no I'd like to know about it I'm sure there's some shops you can get Eye of New in 100 % yeah which is a very in right so are they?

12:54yeah is it the time of the witch? feels like it's the time of the witch

12:57James Acaster: I felt like the time of the witch was when that film came out Hocus Pocus the witch? not Hocus Pocus not the witch the Lizzie McGuire movie the craft the craft yeah yeah I'm thinking of the craft but now I think like a lot of people buy crystals and stuff and say they're a witch right yeah and I like that yeah you like that I think it's fun you're a crystal lady yeah if I bought a tennis racket tomorrow I'd tell everyone I was pro tennis why does it why does it change just because it's crystals what nobody needs to know I mean tennis rackets work for the reason that they're made though right yeah what are you saying about crystals what it's bullshit oh I'm gonna curse you I'm gonna curse you well I'd say a tennis racket you can at least prove that it is a tennis racket by hitting a ball with it and it works in a game of tennis I'm not saying crystals don't work but I'm just saying it's harder to go I'm just saying you can play tennis without charging your racket in a full moon you will both begin to turn blue in three days I'm not saying this is a warning I've let you know if you say stuff like that you sound like Jesus when he was 14 that's what he used to say to kids he was right you're going to turn blue if you keep bullying me do you want anything in that water do you want any ice any slice apart from the frog's leg no I just want to just apart from the frog's leg I want to get straight to the water I don't have to fight my way through these giant ice cubes that are now suddenly popular can I just say giant ice cubes need to get in the bin sorry that's something I'm really passionate about how dare you overload my I've asked for a little bit of ice why am I just seeing ice in the cup why am I chewing my drink that's rude 100 % the other day so like I'm trying to stop drinking well I've stopped drinking for a bit I mean yeah I'll go back to it yeah you will there's no way I'm quitting it forever but I'm having a little break yeah right it's been about a month and I went somewhere and I'll try the you know alcohol free cocktails I had a no groany they brought it over with a block of ice in it that was like as big as the entire contents of the glass which is okay when it's a boozy drink you kind of accept that It's not okay really But you accept it Yeah When it's a mocktail You really get fucked off Oh my god Because it's the same price As a normal one It's the same price There was hardly anything And it's basically just juice Oh my god I'd stop writing So like Two sips and it was gone And then the waiter turned up And I was like You know I was a bit annoyed But the waiter turned up And went Oh you finished that quickly I went yeah There's fuck all in it I love that it It was made in the ice That's why That's cheeky They were taunting you That was a social experiment To see if you'd say anything Yeah I mean I get it with a booze cocktail, but I'd rather have no ice in it.

15:38Just give me a very cold glass. A warm jug of alcohol. Very cold glass. And then when you're shaking or mixing a cocktail, it gets a cold anyway. So freezing cold glass, cocktail in there. And then, because I'm necking it anyway, Sharon. It's going down quick. I don't need ice in there to keep it cold over the next half an hour when I drink it. It just needs to be in my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put the cold drink in my body as quickly as possible. You shake because you love alcohol so much. Yeah, in the mornings. Pop-lums or bread? Pop-lums or bread, shout out by Joey. Pop-lums or bread? Nino, Nino.

16:11James Acaster: Switch around. Flip it. Gotta keep you guessing. Nino, Nino came out first. The police knew what was coming. It was a sting. It felt right at the time. A sting. It has to be bread. It has to be bread and it has to be hard bread. And I want the bread to not be very good. I think bread is a vehicle for butter. If I could say to the waiter, hey, just bring me a spoon and I'll get on with the butter. If that was socially acceptable I would You just eat the butter with a spoon We can do that for your I mean this is your dream meal I do that in secret all the time But I'm saying If society accepted it We'd be in a much better position I think Just globally Okay So hard stiff bread That just cuts the inside of my mouth Yeah It's always painful It feels like a bush tucker trial Like I'm crying I'm like Why am I doing this to myself?

16:56Soft creamy butter Fresh I want to taste the other Just spoonfuls of that I want to taste the other I want to taste the cow's name

17:04James Acaster: well listen we can do that for you we can have it you just lick butter off of an udder if you like oh my god you don't have to go through the rigmarole pretending you like bread or having that we can just butter up a live cow's udder and you can have the whole all the butter off of there and don't worry about it not being socially acceptable this is your dream meal so you don't have to have anyone there oh okay empty restaurant I'm just on the floor on my hands and knees I imagine muddy for some reason. I know there's mud in there somewhere. You want it. And I'm just licking soft, creamy butter.

17:39Of a cow's udder. That sounds like my next birthday plans, actually. That sounds incredible. Happy birthday. So you can taste the cow's name. Yes. What's the cow's name? Ooh. Where am I? Give me a location. A stupid living prof. Newcastle? Yeah. Newcastle. I'm getting Penelope.

17:57James Acaster: Penelope. Geordie name. I don't know any Geordie names. Sounds good in Geordie, though. Penelope I mean I'm not one to criticise accents but that's what you do a Newcastle accent oh

18:14it's not as easy as it sounds is it he really gets in his head with accents Sharon yeah I do accents mean a lot to me whenever we have actors on he always asks them how do you do voices he's always blown away by acting

18:27James Acaster: no I can't understand how people can do it do a little boy and he's just fallen down a well, but he's kind of happy about it. That's your prompt. Oh, I'm just falling down a well. Are you from Newcastle as well? Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm from Newcastle. I'm from Newcastle. I'm down a well. The last thing I'd shout if I was down a well was where I was from. Right. Then anyone, you know, anyone else who kind of is from there will probably empathise with you and get you out the well. Yeah. Well, if they're from Leeds, would they just walk away from the well? Yeah. Oh, I'm from Newcastle. Yeah, it could be actually.

19:02James Acaster: You see the pitfalls of that? Yeah, it could be driving a wedge there. So maybe I wouldn't say that. Surprised myself if how good that was. That was really accurate. That was actually... What? Yeah, that was great. No, give him a point. Sharon agrees. Sharon, do you agree? I'm a guest, so I have to say yes. Correct. I'm sorry. But with love. You do your one. You do your one. No. Fair enough. That was an option. That was an option. No, because I know. We're saying yes to Shrek impressions for years. I value people who come and see me in Newcastle, so I refuse to do it. I value them as well. They know that I value them.

19:34Oh, yeah. They know I value them, but I will always do their accent when I do gigs there as well. So you can do the accent. Yeah, it's good at accents. No, but not under pressure, I'll be honest.

19:44James Acaster: He is good at accents, though. I admire him when I go and see his stand-up. He does a lot of voices. I do do a lot of voices. Do you do any problematic ones? Yeah. No, I stick to the... They're broadly white European, I'd say. Give us your best Malaysian accent. Okay, here we go. And a three, two, one. I think we should do a hard cut to a sound effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get Phil Wang to record something, and then we'll drop it in. Any particular type of butter? Any brand that you'd like on this? And the cow's going to be docile, by the way. But this is butter chilled out. There was never doubt in my mind that the cow would be up for it.

20:20I'd like to think they'd fill out couple forms and, you know, consent forms. Yeah, I think so. And the cow's not, like, kicking around. No, okay. Why am I here? So I take it, when you say brand of butter, James, surely the butter is made from the milk that's come from the udder that you're licking it on. Oh, really? Yeah, 100%. I want the full experience. I didn't think so.

20:39James Acaster: I thought I was going to get a pack of butter from the supermarket. Oh my God! If I was a cow and you put someone else's butter on me, I'd start a revolution. I'd start campaigning. Yeah, 100%. It's kind of weird for the cow to have its own butter put back on its udder, I would say. I think it's kind of like a breastfeeding mum having milk around her nipple. It's kind of like, oh, that's a bit, it's not where it's meant to be. but the milk's been taken away put into butter form and then spread back on the mum's nipples why are you turning it into something grotesque it's breast milk and then someone went away and made butter out of it and then put it back on her boobs I think she'd be like this is not the same as if some milk got on her are you guys breastfeeding mothers that's true we can't speak for breastfeeding mothers I'm breastfeeding mothers someone's gonna pay it forward it's not a satisfying experience for them Is it like a human centipede where they're all just kind of hanging off the nipple before that's an awful image That's good I mean if the makers of the human centipede are looking for a sequel Yeah

21:42Your dream starter I want more bread I want more bread but now with things on the bread Okay Is this the bad bread again? No no now this is good bread Oh no so hang on you didn't have bread in the Poppernums I'd have it as like a vehicle Yeah No because you've got the other Because you've got the udder in the first one. So now this is the first bit of bread you're having. Oh, in that case, I don't think I'd have bread. What? I'd want bread times two. Okay, you could have bread in the bread course as well.

22:09James Acaster: You know, if what you'd prefer is the bread that's the vehicle for the butter, you don't want to have it off the cow's udder. We were just trying to steer you towards what you were saying you would do definitely. If it's an option, I'm not going to say no. But if I'm like on a first date, for example, I'm not going to bring my own cow with me. I think that'd be insane. So I would like fake the bread. I'd be like, oh, this bread is so good. but actually I'll have had like five tubs of butter. I really like your instinct which was I'm either having bread times two or no bread. Why would I have bread if I wasn't having bread before?

22:36Because then you're having bread. No, bread is nice when you have more bread after. Right. When you're in anticipation of more bread. Okay. Yeah. But then you have to have bread though, right? Yeah. You have to have bread before you have the bread. But the first time you have the bread you haven't had any bread before that, have you? I think I'm kind of always in a state of having just had bread. I don't think I go more than two or three hours without having bread in my system. It makes me feel off. It makes me feel like I haven't taken my meds that day. We'll give you some bread.

23:05James Acaster: Ed, I don't know why you don't understand it. Yeah. No, no, I've given up now. So we'll give you some bread with the udder. Yes. But then your starter is more bread, but with things on it. And is this the bad bread still? No, this is good bread now. This is delicious bread now. Yeah, yeah. Is it important to you that you start with bad bread and then have good bread? Yes. Because you can't start with good bread and then go to bad bread because you're like, I've just had good bread now, I'm having bad bread. That's true. What the heck? What the H-E-C-K? You're spilling that out because of how Christian you are.

23:34James Acaster: Talk us through the good bread. Good bread has to be soft. In my mind, when I'm eating it, I want to see like an old Italian man who just loves his kids and he's always complaining. Oh, Mario not do good in uni. And I want to hear him say that when I'm eating the bread and he has a moustache and he laughs, he has like a really big jolly laugh. Yeah. That's what I want to taste when I bite into the brain. But Mario no do good in uni. No do good uni. Yeah. What course is Mario doing? You know. Don't say plumbing. And I really wanted to. I can tell. Yeah. Graphic design then. Go on. Why not? Yeah.

24:11So all the gen Z kids are doing now. Why isn't he doing good though? Why Mario no do good? He's just getting distracted. He's just getting distracted by all the pretty girls. Because graphic design has quite a few pretty girls in it. Does it? It does. I think as university degrees go it's pretty up there in terms of the fit birds wow wow or I instantly regret saying that yeah yeah yeah humbler humbler humbler humbler nino nino so you want to imagine an old Italian man complaining that his son isn't doing well at university yeah yeah that's the sort of bread you want absolutely so like an Italian bread like a focaccia or something it doesn't have to be Italian no but the man making it has to be Italian okay and I need to taste that and I need to know Mary's not doing good

24:50James Acaster: yeah academically yeah And what's on the bread? It depends on the cuisine I think if I'm At an Italian restaurant I want like you know Classic bruschetta I want to say bruschetta I want to say bruschetta Just want some tomatoes On that bitch Supper bit of fucking Olive oil Are you crazy? Bit of fucking sexy Bit of olive oil Yeah now we're talking That's beautiful that A little bit of garlic Fuck it why not It's a sundae You know Just get a bit Get a bit crazy with it Where have we ended up? So like A bit more sinister for this one I think the cow's getting a bit scared yeah this is sinister well the way you just said that listen to it listen back to it when it goes out I will like that's more of a sinister character than the person who was licking the cows earlier the cow's into it though is the cow there for the whole meal I'd like to think so I think we go on the journey together I think if someone was eating my butter off my breast I'd want to stay for the rest of the meal and see how they got on and would the cow like I'd want to go home would the cow be eating as well would the cow be no just chilling taking in the atmosphere beer.

25:51Tomatoes on that bitch. Probably do a couple rounds of like, are they on a first date? You know, just kind of have a good time. She's just been licking the cow's tits. So I hope they know each other. It's a bit much for a first date, if anything.

26:06James Acaster: And do you want the Italian man to be there as well? No, I actually want him to be in Italy. So we never cross paths, but I know he's out there. It's kind of like a Sophie Kinsella book where we're just like ships in the night. Yeah. We're at the airport at the same time, but I'm going to Italy. he's coming to London for example we just you know you keep missing each other yeah so I don't I don't read many books is that because other books are there people just like missing each other narrowly it's like classic beach read romance it's me and my boss don't get along but actually he's gonna fuck me in his elevator in three weeks like it's very like wink wink nudge nudge wow so the character can predict what's gonna happen in the future I like to think the readers can oh the reader can oh the reader can wait wait why was the character going I'm going to be fucking this elevator in three weeks in three weeks I'm going to get fucked in this elevator what a superpower it's quite a good opening paragraph to a book me and my boss don't really get on but in three weeks I'm going to fuck it I've got three chapters on my desk on one day I'll be on board for that but it's not that it's you just know there's an Italian man in the world yes I feel his presence it's like when you smell your mum's perfume in Perfect you're like wait that reminds me of something If you ever meet Like an Italian man Who's like in his teens or twenties Who's like saying about He's struggling at university Do you ever ask them Can your dad bake?

27:33I mean I haven't had the chance to so far But now I'm going to be on the lookout I'm going to add every Mario in London On Facebook And I'm going to ask What does your dad do for a living? That would be my opening line There's got to be one There's got to be one There's got to be one Mario in London Whose dad's a baker There has to be one.

27:49James Acaster: But you also say, I think you've got to ask them, what does your dad do for a living? And are you keeping your grades? That's the two things you have to ask. Who are you and why are you asking me about my family? Because you don't want to waste your time with like, yeah, my dad's a baker. And then you're like, right, great. I want to meet your dad and all this. And then you discover that actually they're top of their class. They're doing really well. They're going to get a first. The teacher's pet. That would annoy me. So if you find, I mean, basically you've got to say, you've got to start going to your lectures because your dad's really worried.

28:17and it's affecting his baking. I would lecture that. No, because I think the fact that the dad is stressed means he's pouring that energy into the bread. Because he's like kneading the dough. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mario! So I wouldn't want Mario to get his grades up. If anything, I'd be like, hey, like, I know a great number for Kat. Let's go listen to some. But you don't know. I don't know. I wouldn't. I would, you know, ask maybe like a use. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't know. Yeah. But I would. But you have the number. Yeah, I'd ask for the number from someone who would know. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

28:46Yeah, yeah.

28:46James Acaster: So you ruined Mario's life in order to improve his dad's bacon. People have done worse for less. Yeah, absolutely. That story was cut out the Bible from Jesus.

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29:46I want my mother's cooking, but from the summer of 2007 specifically, I want it when I bite into this meal. So like Kenyan food is where I'm from in Kenya, tribe wise. It's very like earthy. It's very like maizey and grainy. And I love that. And all together, it's absolutely chef's kiss. But I want it from 2007 specifically because there's something about, you know, your mother's cooking growing up. And you just remember like, I don't know, it takes you back to that place. It's like that scene in Ratatouille. So I want to taste like the recession. I want to taste groovy chick. I want to taste basil brush like I want to just bite into it and just have all those memories flood into my head so was your mum's cooking particularly good in 2007?

30:25100 % were you doing badly at school? oh my god you've just made a great connection I was really struggling with math there you go it works was I the Mario all along? yeah oh my god wow what a twist guys I'm coming out as a Mario this is a platform to do it on thank you you're so supported so what were the things you want to taste recession basil brush and groovy chick and groovy chick specifically groovy chick what was that groovy chick was like brats or barbie that kind of like this is marketed towards young girls and it had this one blonde chick with I just remember it's on stationery a lot a lot yeah yeah oh yeah I think you'd recognise the style of it if you saw it you'd be like oh yeah I know that bitch

31:04James Acaster: is she like cartoon yes really skinny yes like a pencil thin almost yes yeah I know groovy chick what's happened I see Groovy Chick around a lot now it's coming back because I guess it's like nostalgic now yeah yeah so it's like retro we get it it was so cool in year six do you know what I mean I feel like the girls who were Groovy Chick now would have bullied me back in the day and I resent them for it right I hate women by the way I don't know if I do you're in good company

31:36yes women bonito I'm trying to get you guys cancelled this is great let's sound bite that

31:41James Acaster: cancelled by women we still got a lot of people listening to the fellas and let's keep listening I didn't know I was on the Andrew Tate podcast this is great he gets good numbers so what is the actual dish? so I'd have like I don't know how to explain Kenyan food Mokimor which is like a mash with spinach and sometimes sweet corn or maize in it it's absolutely stunning it's just like a mash but with more flavour and then you have things like chapati which is borrowed from India there was a lot of crossover with the dishes of Kenya and India. I'd have a classic stew. Give me beef. Again, I want to taste the cow's name.

32:20That's going to be a reoccurring. Can I just check? This isn't the same cow? No, this is. Oh God, no. And I wouldn't eat in front of her. I'd like shield myself. I'd be like. Yeah, because if you taste the name and then it turns out that Penelope knew that cow. Maybe she hated, maybe Penelope hated this particular cow. and she's like yeah fuck that bitch eat her again eat her again I don't know something along those lines supposed to be a Kenyan cow no I'd feel bad fellow countrymen no that's awful maybe somewhere there maybe a British cow that'd be a good way to get some sort of reparations more likely heard

32:52James Acaster: that Penelope's gonna know it she's from Newcastle yeah yeah Penelope's not from Newcastle she just grew up there racially she's black yeah and definitely African like why would you be we should have asked that You shouldn't have assumed. How dare you? Don't whitewash my history. Yeah. Benito, I'll say it now and then you'll go back and put it in. Okay. And what's Penelope racially? Drop that in. Drop that in. Just go, I don't want to get in trouble. Forgot to ask where the cow was born. Sharon should answer it. Or do you want me to, I can just jump in and go, Black Eye Imagine.

33:30James Acaster: Sound like that. Yeah, so just put it in like that. Oh, I hope AI gets a hold of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the recent crimes. Black, I imagine. Yeah, yeah. That's it. End of career. Sharon replaces me on the podcast. Everyone's happy. We plan all along. Yeah, what is the link between... Because when I was in Kenya, which was only once, I had the best samosas I've ever had anywhere. You've been to Kenya? Only once. What were you doing in Kenya? My dad... Colonising, I imagine. Yeah, I was colonising, actually. It went pretty well. When he was 23, my dad lived there for three years. He's a teacher that I taught there.

34:03James Acaster: Wow. So if it was 50, if we all went back there to see the people that you used to work with. But there was this garage around the corner from where we were staying. The best samosas I've ever had. They are incredible. They are well-class. And like, I think about them quite a lot. Oh my God. But like, I didn't know there was like, when you just said then about the link between Indian food and Indian food. There is also kind of like a mass migration in like the 60s, 50s and 60s. So they bought a lot of food, which is nice. And it still exists in Kenya today. I think we just kind of borrowed a lot of like yep we'll have that that's tasty so now that's Kenyan I've been to Kenya as well really?

34:37what? what the hell are you guys doing in Kenya? what were you doing in Kenya? think of the poshest reason to go to Kenya safari yep yeah go on then I'll have a couple elephants and lions thank you Shay

34:49James Acaster: just climbing out the jeep with a bowl of butter going towards an elephant the amount of animals I let butter off I need you Sharon's hungry what did you see? most of the big ones sorry most of the main ones I'd say the big ones yeah the main ones yeah yeah the main ones what are the main ones pigs I was hoping you were going to say the main ones weren't lions oh that's good yeah yeah yeah little little little comment about mains the main ones oh you know the main ones sorry you really you set me up there and I didn't do it that's really embarrassing yeah sorry I think you should quit comedy now yeah yeah yeah you should quit comedy yet I think you should move to Mexico now that's really embarrassing we tell him this every week me and Benito say I'll quit every episode and it goes Ed can I have a word you should quit comedy won't you the plane tickets just leave no one has to know he still books me for his stupid gigs Kenyan Fanta you know about Kenyan Fanta delicious isn't it absolutely incredible and it's orange yes it's like orange you know the colour orange it's that I do I do I don't know what they put in it but it's like crack and again I've never done drugs so I wouldn't know what that is I wouldn't know what that is Every reference is to drugs.

36:01Yeah, you really keep that in this. Just like love crushing it and snorting it. Always a different drug every time as well. We've talked about Kenyan Fanta on this podcast before. With the Kenyan?

36:13James Acaster: No, it's been people who have bought up Fanta in other African countries. And then I've said, I love Kenyan Fanta. Maybe some people have bought up Kenyan Fanta. No, Nigerian Fanta has come up before. Nigerian Fanta has come up. Nigerian Fanta is incredible. I think maybe. Yeah, maybe Kenyan Fanta. No, you can buy that here. No, where? Yeah, and like the places where the white people are. Oh. But as soon as I go there, it'll vanish.

36:37The ultimate dilemma.

36:40James Acaster: Gentrification sometimes works against us. And then I'd probably pair it with like a watermelon elf bar, I think, just as like a little palate cleanse. Yes. A watermelon what? Elf bar. What's an elf bar? I've never had an elf. A vape. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Just to kind of like... It's the first shout out for elf bars. we've had someone pick a lost mary for that oh no lost mary at the end of the meal surely surely just to top it off nicely i think in the middle of a meal it's it's way too intense yeah you've got to calm down there whoever said that needs to calm down maybe check in on them because that that is honestly michelle that's i ain't checking in i'll have a word no she said i was Like Kramer.

37:22James Acaster: She said I was like Kramer's English cousin. It was bad and hard. How did you feel about that? Well, I couldn't argue about it because she just said, you're like, there's an episode of Seinfeld and Kramer's English cousin's coming to visit and Kramer's really stressed because they don't get on but everyone keeps saying to Kramer but you're exactly alike. So not only was it like spot on, she'd done me, but also completely... A perfect Seinfeld episode as well. Yeah, so it's like, well... So good. That's it. She read you for film. Yeah. I'm so sorry. so are you vaping while you're eating in between bites or are you waiting until the end of the course you finish the meal so you have the full experience and then you go with an elf bar just to kind of palate cleanse it's a palate cleanse it's a palate cleanse yeah I love how at the start of the episode you were like I'm not really a connoisseur with food that I've this paired with this but with vapes you're like that's at the end of the meal oh 100 you have to match notes so like I wouldn't have a watermelon elf bar with say a steak that would be completely wrong what flavour vape would you pair with the steak?

38:18I imagine I'd go for something a bit more tart, maybe a cherry if I'm feeling a bit adventurous. Yeah. Perhaps a banana ice, but that is a bit crazy. I know, I know. Cherry and steak, I completely understand. That's nice. It's like a red wine. Yeah, it's like a red wine. And that's why you're intelligent. Yeah, yeah. That's why you're smart and amazing and pure. And addicted to nicotine, yeah.

38:36James Acaster: He is addicted to so hard. Me too. It's nice, isn't it? It's so great. It's really nice. Oh, it's so much fun. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone in this life has a vice, right? and it might be drugs might not be but it might also be nicotine might be working a lot might be watching Shrek over and over and over and over again so I think if it's nicotine at least not killing children it's far too quick to say watching Shrek over and over and over again no I've never seen Shrek right is this like you've never done drugs do you want to know some food based trivia about Shrek that I learnt recently yes yeah the gingerbread man yes Shrek the person who's the voice for that when John Lithgow went in to film that scene it was just a film record I've got to break some bad knees here about Shrek man no it's real it's real it's real yeah when they went to film when he went in to record that scene a member of the production team read the lines of the gingerbread man and they were so good at it that they just kept in that person oh my god so it's just like it's not a voice actor it's someone who's working on it do they sound like that is that their real voice yes it's their normal voice incredible can you give us a quick blast of the gingerbread man not my gumdrop buttons it's good isn't it That is very good Wait till you hear Shrek I do want to hear Shrek Wait till you hear this Sharon What do you want Shrek to be doing or saying?

39:54I want him to be What do you want him to be? Dicking butter off a cow's head Yes, perfect

40:00James Acaster: Donkey I thought it was you I didn't know it was a cow donkey I thought it was you donkey I swear I would never do that I would never ever Donkey I would never ever lick butter off anyone else apart from you Do you like that? Sharon looks gobsmacked I'm so lost for words there are so many questions surging through my head right now well the answer to the first one is it was supposed to be Shrek

40:28vaguely Scottish man threatening to suck off a donkey it sounded like he's apologising to the donkey for not sucking off the donkey

40:37James Acaster: the donkey's caught licking his butt off a cow's head and isn't happy about it is it in secret are like the lights off in his swamp house or wherever Shrek lives when we did a live tour quite often I would force James to do a Shrek impression on stage and I'd get the audience to do like improv suggest where's Shrek, what's he doing and what sort of mood is Shrek in and I'd say 8 out of 9 times that we did it horny, they all said horny so I've seen James be horny Shrek more often than I thought I would oh that's brilliant I think that's art I didn't like it you didn't enjoy it no which made it obviously funny of course I think all artists suffering I had to yes and it I knew that it was good for the gig to just do it but I didn't like it that's okay Da Vinci suffered in his time I'd really resent it and just think these are the fucking audience we've got is it these idiots they know they know I hate them yeah yeah don't look shocked Sharon they love it yeah they love it they love that James hates them oh my god kind of sadistic yeah BDSM relationship do you have with your audience?

41:45James Acaster: Yeah, BDSM stood for brilliant

41:51James Acaster: Fert out quickly there I was really it started off very quickly I was like yeah okay What? Sexy? Brilliant BDSM you fucking moron Brilliant It's coming up mate It'd be good if you planned in advance with this D-douche No, because you're not a douche Deity Elevate yourself Brilliant deity Bully daddy says money. Money for all of you. Yeah, that is what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bully daddy says money. Yeah, there you go. We got there in the end. That was worth it, wasn't it?

42:32James Acaster: Dream side dish. Okay, I don't know if this is allowed. I don't know if this is in the rule book. But my dream, dream side dish is, you know when you go for a night out you get fucked up I'm talking about fucked up like kissing your cousin fucked up and then you go you go just gonna jump in now and say no I don't know we've all been there right guys I know I know what you're about thanks James I feel so supported by you I feel so validated you go for a chippy and you get home and you are just off your face like you fall asleep kind of one tit hanging out of your short dress chips in hand lights on one eyelash here one eyelash on the wall and then you wake up like an hour and a half later and you're still steaming but you're like I didn't eat my chips and they're kind of congealed and cold and you can taste the pigeon ankles that I would have that as a side dish they always slap James looks so sad it just sounds like my disgusting thing I thought this was a loving supportive podcast yes tried to be weird that James supported you on kissing his cousin and backed out when it came to eating cold chips this is too much you're taking the piss off my cousin said would you care for some cold chips like shut up I mean sounds bad Sharon it doesn't sound you've not made him sound nice no because you have to be in that headspace so it's not going to be nice when you're like I don't know you're sober and you've just gone from picking strawberries or something wholesome you have to be like oh I made some mistakes tonight brother like starving but still drunk yes yeah you've got one heel on and the other one god knows where it is probably on the M25 yeah yeah who cares who cares at this point because you've got cold chips you've got nuggets that taste a little bit like what you imagine pigeon would taste like and you're happy in that moment you're so happy and unaware of the world's problems and struggle and it's just a beautiful moment I think it's what it represents so how many nuggets you got in there?

44:27I want to say like five and a half at this point because you've had a couple on the walkover you know you've catcalled some guys made some really horrible aggressive mistakes that night

44:36James Acaster: When you catcall some guys, what does that sound like? What are you shouting to them? See, now I feel like I have to say homina homina nina. But really it'd be like, alert your ankles. Yeah. Yeah, call those earlobes. It'd have to be like slightly weird. Just, huh? I want them to have a look at a surprise on their face. Yeah. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm trying to define what a catcall is, but do you call those earlobes doesn't feel like a catcall. Oh, trust me. If you were on the receiving end of that, you'd go home crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to move back home for a bit. Just to sort your head out.

45:07James Acaster: The aim of catcalling is to destroy someone. Not destroy, but just make them think for the next couple of years, like, what did that mean? Like, they're falling asleep at night, they're almost there, and then they're like, earlobes, earlobes, earlobes, earlobes. I would say, and I don't want to tread all over your brand of catcalling, but I think traditionally, they're not thinkers, catcalls. Oh, no, 100%. They're not like people go home and go, what did that builder mean when they said nice tits? It's subversive. pretty to the point yeah but you're but you're saying a good cat call makes you think unravels someone it makes you go that alliteration on line two that was intentional line two yeah so you're hanging around for line two oh this is a soliloquy baby yeah gotta see where this goes this is Shakespearean we're getting Shakespearean in these motherfucking streets getting all hit you on these motherfuckers yeah it's impressive I quite like the idea of the cold chips I love that you're gonna be in a certain state of mind when you eat the side dish which is difficult because it's a side dish so you'd be eating the main and then so when you turn to the side dish you suddenly feel absolutely shitfaced A lot has happened between the main and the side dish So you're eating the whole main first and then eating the side dish You're eating the whole main It's really wholesome We're still in the restaurant at this point and then someone goes should we should we fuck it should we go out We're only young once You end up in a club that you've never heard of before All the alcohol is non-branded You don't actually know what they're pouring you It tastes kind of vaguely ethinally but you're like ah this could be paint stripper You're off your face You're grinded to dubstep It doesn't make any sense Why are you gyrating your hips It doesn't make sense But you're having a fucking great time And you think Do you know what I had my main It's time for my side dish You go back to the restaurant now In this inebriated state You have the chips They're hot when they get to you obviously A lot more shit goes down Go back to the club Right because we're making a meal of this Order more drinks Suddenly you're in a smoking area With a guy who doesn't speak English But you're having a full on conversation It's beautiful This is what the earth is about This is we are the world We are the Do you know what I mean?

47:07It's Michael Jackson Oh my god he's alive You go back to the restaurant And Michael Jackson's the guy The guy in the smoking area? He's the guy in the smoking area

47:15James Acaster: But he can't speak English now He doesn't speak any English at this point So he's come back to life But he now can't speak English No he's been living away for a long time So it's just completely It doesn't exist in his head anymore Right Does the cow come to the club? Cow wouldn't come to the club I think that'd be a bit much That'd be stupid Yeah It'd be dumb Yeah Michael Jackson doesn't like cows famously so it just wouldn't make sense with it. It does sound, Ed, I'm going to need you to find some positives here because it sounds like a wake in hell. No, I think a lot of Sharon's menu is nostalgia and about moments in time.

47:48Thank you. And I think what the cold chips signify is they may taste great in that moment. They're obviously not a great tasting thing. Thank you. But they represent, you know, you've had an amazing time and, you know, you're just there enjoying it. It's okay. not everyone you know not everyone's a genius in their time I like to think after I pass away people are like oh my god remember Sharon on that on that off the menu podcast and then they'll meet you in the smoking area of the club and go Sharon's alive yeah yeah Sharon's alive she can't speak English is that Michael Jackson in the background

48:20James Acaster: what would you be talking to Michael Jackson about do you think I imagine because at this point he owns a corner shop right kind of somewhere in St. John's Wood and he's kind of just moved back into the area and he's like you know it's been hard for me back in my country of origin i was a doctor i've had to come here and set a new business that sharon this isn't michael jackson mate this is so this is not michael jackson this is michael jackson because he'll throw in a hee i am pretty hammered on something called slap and i don't know what it is but it does taste like it might kill me so it might no but i like to think it is michael jackson he's just kind of is it a reincarnation.

48:57No, no, no. This is the Michael Jackson. He's not saying he's Michael Jackson. Wait, guys, you know he's not dead, right?

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49:52Your dream drink. I want the strawberry Ribena from pre what's his face who made sugar evil you might feel that way he was doing it for your own good

50:05James Acaster: he was trying to make it healthier for you I don't want that at that stage of my life I want it now I think it's great but no you want to pre-sugar Ribena you don't want it now because you want to go back to the Ribena it was before I understand it now you understand it now yeah yeah see this is another nostalgic dish this is nostalgia for certain times of your life. It is. It's a crisp Ribena. I'm on a bike and there's a boy I fancy two streets down and I'm riding and I fall off and I scrape my knee. Ah! Ah! I go up to the boy. Ah! Hey! I scrape my knee.

50:44This has got to be a clip because people have got to see Sharon's face when she's doing this. No, no, do you like how we are doing it? Yeah. I've never ridden a bike before can I the disgust on your faces is not making me feel confident I just know I'm right

51:00James Acaster: I think it's brilliant but I'm also confused no I'm not confused I'm like that are you in the moment with me? yeah I get it thank you oh I don't have any plasters that's okay I might come back tomorrow that's okay with you you might come back come back tomorrow with this great name to ride the bike yeah because I'm eager I feel killed by tomorrow I thought you were coming back tomorrow for a plaster no I mean just to buy but in that moment I'm embarrassed I've just scraped my knee so you so let's recap you're cycling on the street you fall off the bike scraped your knee as a boy you're at your age you can't fancy but he's just like standing on the street so he's just on the pavement he's just chilling and you go up to him and say I just scraped my knee in an American accent with the voice and he says I don't have a plaster and you say that's okay I might come back to Mars is there anything wrong with that?

51:54yeah

51:55James Acaster: so you didn't come back I'm embarrassed yeah the boy that I like has just seen me fall down yeah I'm nervous but I also like that you say I've just scraped my knee and his first thing he says is I don't have any plasters I don't have any plasters because he wants to be helpful but he acknowledges that in the moment he can't help yeah yeah and I like that he's emotionally sensitive I think in this version of the thing and he's okay with me doing a voice I like the voice See I did it on a date The other day And she never texted me back I think I killed it What In what context I was like She was like Let's check in How are you feeling About this date And I was like I like this date You're very pretty Should I have said that out loud Oh well And then I thought Fucking hell Sharon That was the worst thing I've ever heard anyone doing a first date it's a first date I mean if I'm not going to be yourself you may as well have let's butter off a cow's udder at that point oh my god that would have been better I mean don't get me wrong I don't love let's check in how's this date going I don't love that either I kind of like it it's very Gen Z with two women on a date how are you feeling yeah so you quite like it but then then what you did so let's dispense with that oh fuck James and I are millennials James and I are millennials we don't like the check-in okay the check-in is too much the check-in should be unspoken so you draw the line okay so you like that oh my god but then why did you then do the infantilizing you became a little kid I thought it'd be funny if I was on a date and someone said how's the date going I went well gee I'm pretty good again fam I'd love that I hope I don't I hope I don't go toilet in my pants That is not what I was doing How dare you I can put a flat in my stomach I was being a big girl Who watches way too much anime I gotta call my mommy and give her three rings Oh jeez My heart's beating out of my chest You're telling me you wouldn't like that But you said she was pretty in the voice I thought it'd be funny I thought it'd be funny I think it's hilarious It's funny hearing about it now what was her face doing when you did it so i wasn't looking at her while i was doing it and i went to laugh being like oh no don't cover your face you're making this so much worse than it is she's just absolutely puking everywhere she was like you even look pretty when you puke now this is turning to bullying yeah yeah yeah so you weren't looking at her no you're looking down for the character yeah because the character's like shy the character for the people just listening to it always involves Sharon grabbing the back of her neck like nervously like like the kid in Stranger Things does when something's like creeping up yeah so just like hand on the back of the neck and then looking down and then like vibrating and then making a noise which increasingly sounds like an Al Pacino impression yeah I'll take it adding that to the list date number two Thank you very much.

55:11So she's not got back in contact?

55:13James Acaster: Nah. When was it? I want to say like three weeks ago now. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's dead in the water. It's fine. It's fine. I've cried my tears. Well, I guess you don't like me that much. I love the character. Yeah, the character's great. I really like the character. Really good. Very Rugrats. I'd watch that. Yeah, really Rugrats actually. Thanks. That's a millennial thing. Oh my God. I know what Rug... How old do you think I am? Well, you've proudly proclaimed yourself Gen Z. Yes, and I wear that with a badge of skibbity honour. Thank you very much. What's Gen Z? Twenties? In your twenties? Yeah.

55:52James Acaster: Twenties, yeah. But early twenties. I'll take it! Okay. I'm actually 16. This is illegal what you guys are doing, actually. We've had a 15-year-old on this podcast before. No, you haven't. We have. From Strangers. From Strangers. Oh, yes. The kid who does that, actually. Yeah, it's the kid who does that. The very kid who does that. When you have 15, you do that. You're in the same with you. I'm not 15 in this. You are when you were acting it. I'm a grown man. You were on that date, I'll tell you that much. You weren't there. You don't know the facts.

56:29James Acaster: We arrive at your dream dessert. Yes. I kind of like, I feel like this is a recent food trend. I like the desserts that look like food, but they're cold. Like the ice cream chicken, ice cream fried chicken, or like a sweet past spaghetti bolognese. I know what you mean. It's very sort of an online thing. Like Disney adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gonna die at 50. It's kind of cool though. I think it's so cool. The spaghetti's so cool. Just like the spaghetti strands of ice cream, basically. Yeah, it looks like spaghetti. It's like you guys are tricking me. I'm like, huh? What's this? This should be savoury, not sweet.

57:05And then it is sweet and it's delicious. and you're like, yes, you guys got me again. I know James wants to ask about this character now as well. This is not a character. This is who I am.

57:16James Acaster: Fair enough. Nice to meet you. It was quite similar to the same... Quite similar to the date character. A bit like that kind of same person, a bit in a different environment. Yeah, this one is a child. Where they've been kind of tricked by them. Yeah, they do brownies. What the heck? What the heck? do you guys just swear you're not supposed to do that I think I'm going to have to tell my mum sorry do the American voice it is quite similar to the other characters yeah very similar I think I just really enjoy the way yeah

57:57it is good why am I single

58:02James Acaster: yeah I know what you mean that food because I remember when I was a kid when I first saw one of those like you know foam burgers those little sweets oh I was like I was so excited to eat it oh my gosh I was like I couldn't wait to eat one of those like with all the different layers with the gummy like lettuce tomato yeah yeah the burger the burger itself actually probably the least appealing part of the sweet burger it doesn't lend itself well to the gummy you could do without it could be a sandwich could be a sandwich were you like is this gonna taste like burger or were you like oh no this is sweets I think I definitely thought like this is going to taste like fruity sweets but the burger part of it did make me I don't know what that's going to be what is that meant to be yeah like the rest of it even the bun looked quite sweet and foamy and nice but the actual burger itself I was like hopefully that's like a Koba thing or something I don't know what it is I don't either what's the name of the company that made those like the ones that you see everywhere because it's like right at the front of my brain and I just need to scratch that itch otherwise yes Amazon Gummy Zone no it's not Gummy Zone No, it's not Gummy Zone.

59:04James Acaster: He's angry about that. Benito, you've wasted his time. Gummy Zone. Benito's going to... He's getting ready to tell you you should quit comedy. That's normally after. You don't normally do that during. Telly's going to say it. The fact it's coming at the end of the meal, does that ruin the trick? No, because I think the way I would approach this is that's dessert number one because I'm tricking my brain into thinking, oh, I'm still eating savoury food so there's more space for it. Because I feel like your brain does this thing where you're like oh I'm quite full actually from the meal but I still want dessert you're like let me just do the dessert and then I'll be in a food coma after if you get dessert number one and it looks like savoury food your mind is like oh this is more food okay we can create space for this and then we can have dessert after ha ha silly brain I've already had dessert I'm only gonna go and do it again but this time you'll actually see what the dessert is so it's more of like a mental psychological I feel like the CIA might have kind of James did you follow that in any way whatsoever?

1:00:01James Acaster: I just find it very funny. Silly brain is what made me really laugh. Yeah, I was really, I loved silly brain. You've also eaten it. Yeah. And you tasted it and your silly brain still thinks it's savoury. I'm not silly brain. This is a spag bol, but it tastes sweet. Hmm. I wonder what that's about. Let me just keep eating. I guess I'll get dessert after. The character's sneaking back in there, I think. Every time something with the finger comes, you go, hmm. If you're honest, the character is 100 % at the wheel now. It's completely behind the wheel. It's taken over. But you're just resisting doing the voice because you want to disguise it as yourself.

1:00:37James Acaster: But you know really it's the... I guess this is some. Maybe an ice cream of some description. Can we do the rest of it like this? You can. It's the best thing. All I can think about is you're on that date doing that. All I can think of is you're very pretty looking at the floor. You're very pretty. you weren't saying you're very pretty is that you went she sure is pretty or something yeah because you have to do like an aside you said it about her and then you were doing so you're doing like a Gollum kind of thing of like she sure is pretty did I just say that out loud or no and I it's I love it so much it's so great I think it's a normal and fun and whimsical thing to do on a date and if you guys disagree with that that's absolutely okay there's at least three people who disagree with it me, James and her yeah but she doesn't deserve you that was fresh if you said that in two months I'd have been like haha but actually that could have been my future wife so that does stink no it couldn't but only because she wasn't down to clown yes exactly you need someone who's down to clown I need someone to give it back you'll find someone who does like that kind of stuff and it'll be great I know and that'll be it and I'm a big supporter of people just going I'm just going to out the gate be exactly who I am you have to why go on a date don't waste any time did you want me to be like yes this meal is actually quite exquisite I really enjoy the wine barely I absolutely think you would do that as well same problem it's not though another character because I'm being a fancy lady so she's like oh this lady's very fancy you've not shown up as a fancy lady though you're just suddenly halfway through the meal turning into something else so I'd have to start off like that yes but that's not what she wants she wants me and then she also wants the part of me that let's find her pretty you want the whole smorgasbord it's boring yeah I think you know I don't think it's the fact I don't think she's right I'm sorry that I brought us back here because I can't stop thinking about it but like I don't think it's the fact that you said she was pretty I think if you went it's going really well actually and I think you're really beautiful I don't think she would go not replying to this I think it's the fact that you went I think you said she was pretty in the character because it's fun and so silly I get it I think like you will find someone who loves that character and then it would be great and we'll just have like a little I think next time turn up as the character from the get go scrape your knee outside oh my god

1:03:09so you do marketing huh

1:03:13James Acaster: I want that character to get a sitcom immediately if there are any commissioners listening to this just please give Sharon a sitcom where that is the character for the whole thing. But the character has to live in just modern Britain though. Oh my God. The character can't live in like 50s America clearly where they're from. My oyster card isn't working. They're just doing really mundane every day. May I have a stamp please? I wonder if he knows what I'm sending. No, we have to get away from this now. Okay. I love the character. We are at the end of the episode pretty much. We've not got away from it successfully.

1:03:49James Acaster: So what is the food? You want a spaghetti bolognese ice cream? I want the fried chicken ice cream. I want it to come in a bucket. I want to house it. And then I want to have, finish it off with just a classic brownie. Oh, hold on. So there's a brownie in there as well. As in like, that's dessert number two. Yeah, because you trick your silly brain. You trick your brain. Trick your silly brain. Yeah. What flavour is the ice cream, the actual fried chicken ice cream? It's classic vanilla. Let's not get too crazy with it. You know? And does it have a little, like fake drumstick that you can pick them up?

1:04:14You can literally pick them up and then bite into ice cream, which is a little bit inbred, but it's fun. am I allowed to say that I don't know

1:04:21James Acaster: I don't know I've never heard anyone use it in that way before I use it very lightly it's actually honestly becoming a problem you know who else is inbred who Mario's dad what he's inbred oh he's inbred yeah I thought you were going to say shaman because she was kissing her cousin earlier I want to set the record very straight I have never and will never kiss my cousin no I think what you were saying is when you get so drunk that you could kiss your cousin all rules fly out the window Yes, thank you. We see eye to eye. You didn't say yes, actually. You're just kissing your cousin James, it sounds like.

1:04:53Yeah, yeah. You're just making up. On the reg.

1:04:56James Acaster: Well, she's very pretty. No. Are we all right? Golly. I think this is frowned upon. Your mum's my dad's brother, right? No, this is bad. This is bad. Naughty. No more of this.

1:05:20I don't want that to be my legacy.

1:05:22James Acaster: I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. Will you be reading it back as yourself, James?

1:05:30James Acaster: You had sparked and water. Pop it on some bread, you want soft creamy butter smeared on Penelope's udder with some bad bread on the side. Perfect. Because if you don't have the bad bread, you can't have your starter, which is good bread bruschetta made by an old Italian man whose son is not doing very good at uni. Perfect. main course your mum's cooking from 2007 with a watermelon elf bar as well which you will have after side dish congealed chips and five and a half nuggets from the night before amazing drink a strawberry ribbina full of sugar and dessert fried chicken ice cream with a brownie perfect I think that is the menu I would eat the dessert and the main course yeah not even the starter I'm sure your mum's cooking in 2007 for sure a bruschetta's nice yeah a bruschetta's good of course actually to be honest you'd eat all of it I wouldn't want the chips they do sound revolted you never wake up in the dead of night and you just have chips next to you and you're like not for many years but I would just go more disgusting and have cheesy chips that were good you beautiful man with garlic sauce on the top oh filthy absolutely filthy that sounds incredible it reminds me of just being at university dad's baking some good bread obviously you're not doing very well I wake up chips are on my chest keep going there's a football sock on the smoke alarm have a quick cig Ed's dad is pan quotidien whatever it's called really?

1:07:02no he's Andrew Gammond Sharon thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant you've been fantastic thank you for having me thank you I don't like that one thank you

1:07:18Well, there we are, James. Oh, man. What a wild ride with Sharon.

1:07:21James Acaster: We've had a few people do characters on this podcast, but that might be my favourite of all time. Yes, very... I mean, at the best of episodes towards the end of the year, there's normally a little section that Benito puts together of characters that people have done. Yep. That'll definitely be in there. That's going to have its own section. Yeah. I don't want any part of that on the curtain room floor when it comes to the best of. Yeah. I would watch that character for hours. Yeah. it's very funny to be in the presence of that character yes every time Sharon became that character it's like everything her whole physicality changed and mannerisms really funny the hand on the back of the neck the whole thing also Sharon did not say anything as long as it's good yeah it didn't say that no because she turned up with notes she had notes she listened to the podcast before and we appreciate that yes absolutely so do go and see Sharon at the Edinburgh Festival of the Pleasants yes or Or just if you're not going to the Edinburgh Festival, go and see Sharon at a gig near you.

1:08:17James Acaster: Yeah. Make sure you find out where. She's doing lots of gigs. Follow her on social media. Do all that jazz. Absolutely. And go and see her. But for now, we will see you. But for now, we will see you next week. But for now, we will see you next week. Doesn't make sense, does it? You should quit comedy. Oh, no. Deal.

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