Sindhu Vee (Tasting Menu)

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2:11Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, Tasting Menu, James.

2:14James Acaster: It's a tasting menu where we get a fan favourite back on the pod, we give them the menu of another fan favourite and they react to it. It's a fan favourite-a-thon. It's a fan favourite-a-thon, and the fan favourite we are interviewing today is the wonderful Sindhu V. OG fan favourite. An OG fan favourite. I mean, this is maybe the first series we did. Definitely. Sindhu was on it. Episode 7, maybe. People absolutely loved Sindhu's episode. It was one of the earliest episodes that got talked about all over the internet. All over the internet. Yes, all over the net. Yeah. That's the last time James was on the net, by the way.

2:49Yeah. It was back in episode 15 of this pod. But we will be giving Sindhu the menu of another guest.

2:56James Acaster: Yes. And the choice here is always, do we want to give our guest a menu that will annoy them or a menu that they will like or a menu that they can discuss a lot about? And it depends on who they are. Sindhu's really funny when she's annoyed. We'll try our best to annoy Sindhu. Fingers crossed it will work. Yeah, I wonder. Sometimes I annoy her by breathing, I think. Yeah, it's very easy to annoy Sindhu. She offered to send me some mangoes the other day and I asked how many and she was like, what kind of a question is that? Yeah, that's true. I thought it was quite a reasonable question. I'm grateful.

3:33No secret ingredient because it's a tasting menu. Sindhu has to stay in here for the long haul. Swanky! Swanky is the name of her tour, of course. They've added more dates. They keep adding dates to this tour. Doing so well. Into 2027. Into 2027.

3:48James Acaster: Get yourself some tickets Go to SindhuV.com And you can get tickets for that Hopefully it's coming to a town near you But let's get on with it This is the off-menu tasting menu of SindhuV

4:07Welcome back Sindhu to the Dream Restaurant Good to see you again Sindhu Hi, I'm so happy to be back Welcome back You're here for a tasting menu of course I am it better taste good well you weren't aware of the concept until you just arrived yeah which is I think how we like it isn't it James yeah yeah it's how we like it that you don't know what's going on until we start really yeah and also then it's spontaneous unless like there's a lot of prep like quadratics which I doubt in this there's no prep it's not like quadratics I don't even know what that is

4:37James Acaster: no I don't know what that is it's algebra algebra okay no it's nothing like algebra we rarely like algebra here on the off menu podcast we like to keep it spontaneous but we also, we didn't want you to say too much before we started recording because you were telling us that you got hair Botox and I want to talk about it on the podcast. Sure. Yeah, I thought it was not relevant for your food podcast that I got hair Botox, but I did. What you'll learn about the tasting menu is, yes, we'll be talking about food. We will be giving you the menu of a previous guest, but also we're willing to sort of spin off in multiple directions.

5:07It's just an excuse to talk to you again, Cindy.

5:09James Acaster: We'll see how you've been since we saw you last, which was all the way back in series one, I believe. Yes. So knowing that now you have hair Botox and your hair looks different is quite, you know, exciting for the listener. Yeah, it's exciting for me. On YouTube. So what happened was my hair has become very frizzy. Okay. And it's partly age and it's partly that it's been processed a lot because when you do filming, they do different things to your hair and they don't care. Yeah. They only want you to look like that character. What happens to you after? They don't care. Okay. They put rubbish in your hair.

5:42They use hot hair dryers and so it was very frizzy. yeah and monday tuesday wednesday this week i had free so on tuesday i took my work to do some writing for my show and i was sitting around in a cafe and i picked up my phone and i want to take a photo but the photo was turned to me always awful when that just you know just so damaging at some level just so damaging i looked at this hair and i had like a froth of frizz and i thought you know what i am doing too well in life to allow this just on a tuesday this i mean i'm not doing that well but i'm doing well enough that this should not be allowed yeah so i googled frizz hair this that and i couldn't come up with anything but it did say then i then i googled fancy hair salons near me yeah and then there was one walking distance and it was in mayfair and it was super fancy and it was like you have to book in advance and the lady's name and she's my hello magazine there's that i said i'm going so i walked into this place and um i went to the reception and i said i i pointed i'm not kidding i pointed to my hair and i said you see this this is really upsetting and so can can you do something and it was such a fancy place that the lady she was older and she said to me um i'm sorry and i said no you do you see this and she said yes yes i said this this is really and then i just it just came out i said it's really affecting my self-esteem i tell you what she started paying attention she was like i think she was scared and i said can we do this and then she said oh there's all these different treatments and this and that and all i heard was like and i said but can you fix it and she said you have to talk to our hair our like frizziness consultant they have a hair fixing frizziness consultant she pointed to this woman and said, oh, she's just going to be finished and she'll talk to you.

7:40In my head, if I say that to you, what do you think? You think...

7:44James Acaster: A frizziness consultant. Is going to fix my hair. I think I'm about to be on a prank show. Yeah. Okay, no, but like that's not the word she used, but like whatever, you know, treatment consultant. Yeah. Okay. If they're going to talk to you, they're going to fix it, right? That's what you think? Well, I'd imagine, no, I'd imagine they're going to try and work out how to get the most money out of you. Okay. Take all that out. Imagine that you're in a place where you actually believe in people and are not a cynic. Okay. So you mean a hair salon I've just walked into off the street? What Cindy was asking is, what is your opinion if you were someone else?

8:15Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I think they're going to fix it. As my mother used to say, that's like saying if my aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle. Like what? So yeah, if you were someone else. So you're asking me, so what would I say if I was you in this story? Did you think that they could fix it? I thought they would give me solutions and I would like one of them. and if I did, we would fix it. So she said, can you wait? I said, yes. Then she started offering me like, this is fancy, offering me like, would you like a flat white? Would you like a jasmine tea? I was like, this is going to be expensive.

8:43I said, no, thank you. I'll have tap water.

8:44James Acaster: Flat white is the opposite of what your hair was like, by the way. Exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely right. You've got to be careful. They say, would you like a flat white in a fancy salon? And then I come out looking. Next thing you know. You've got a buzz cut. Yeah. So then this consultant talks to me. She starts saying, you can get keratin, but it'll make your hair very straight. And I don't like super straight hair because I mean, that's not my hair. She said, and then we had this thing called hair Botox where it just takes the frizz out. I was like, perfect, that's what we'll have. She said, okay, well, when you come to get it done.

9:17And I said, when I come to get it done, I mean, I'm here. She said, oh yes, but this is a consultation. I don't have time today. And I looked at her in the mirror and I said, I'm getting this done today from you. and she said no no you know blah blah and i said you don't understand it's really affecting me in it like i i have three kids and i don't and she was like oh my goodness she left and came back and said can you come at 3 30 and i said yeah i'll wait it was 10 15 she was like well were you worried you didn't want to leave the building you're like it's going to get more frizzy if i leave the building i've got to stay on site but also i had this became my goal of the day do you know it's like my goal of the day because you were trying to write your show yeah yeah and i was like i need to find something else to do you know we've all used procrastination techniques hair botox is a new one exactly and what an expense with these these salons in mayfair have to pay the rent let me tell you oh my god but anyway she said oh well you're welcome to wait in the reception i think she just thought this is too weird but i didn't i went out had lunch came back and then we did my hair Botox Is it injections in the head?

10:28No it's just a treatment they put on it smells weird and then they put it like a hot thing and you just 45 minutes but it's great because I was finishing Stranger Things to get ready for season 5 so then I just did that and look at it I mean it's a little straighter than it usually is but after I wash it No frizz on that No frizz No frizz on that and you can't get it wet for 4 days so this is day 4 Oh okay so it's only been 4 days It's only been 4 days And I'm very excited because when I wake up, I don't look like I've been electrocuted and run over by a truck at night, which is usually how my hair looks when I wake up at the moment.

11:03Anyway. Well, it's nice to have you back, Sindhu. I'm glad to have you back, Sindhu.

11:07James Acaster: Your hair looks great. Your original menu is still a firm fan favourite. And I'd say one of the first menus we had that everyone was like, I want to eat that. I want to eat that. And there was a lot of people. One of the best food describers in the biz. Yeah, really described food. Well, you know, I love food. Yeah. And I think a lot about it. And on the TV show set I'm right now, you know, you get lunch. What are you going to have? What are you going to have? And it turns out I'm the only adult who orders baked potatoes with cheese and beans. And you open them and they look messy like brains.

11:44But that's how you know they're going to be yum. And everyone looked at me like, are you seriously going to, in the middle of the day, eat that? And I thought, well, yeah, it's better than whatever vegetarian chicken protein wrap shit you're eating. I didn't say that. But I did get through a lot of cheese. That doesn't look like brains at all. No. But you know, when you really have a microwave baked potato with beans and cheese, it looks like brains. Hearty. So yummy. So yummy. And because it's a small roll, I don't have much dialogue. So I can just lug myself around all afternoon. It doesn't matter that when you do your lines, it's like full of melted cheese and beans.

12:20No, it doesn't matter that if I just say, no, no, don't do that. No one cares. No one cares.

12:27James Acaster: It's a good line. It's a good line. No, no, don't do that. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good line. It's a big potato line. Anyway, no, I'm glad because I do love food. And I think this was the first foodie podcast I did. And it was such a, and it's such a sort of intuitively understandable one for me. Because it's like, what food did you like? How did you get to it? Why do you like it? I mean, that's really a huge amount of my thinking is in that direction. That's good. We're the same. This is why this just works. Yeah. Remember that time when we met in Canada and I made you stand in that line and he got so upset?

13:00Did he? Yeah. But the food was good. Yes, it was. It took you a long time to agree. You sat at a different table to us, though, didn't you? Yeah. Because Cindy didn't want to wait as long as us, so we went and sat at a different table. Yeah. We went as a group. There was a big queue and I complained because there was a big queue. Yeah. And then Cindy went, oh, no, there's a table for two. Now I'm going to go and sit. Yeah, I did. And it was great. And you also ate the same food. So what, we're not sitting on each other's laps. We got good food. Yeah, but we were queuing so we could get a table.

13:26Can't believe this is coming back up again. So we could get a table for all of us as a group. And then you just went off and sat. Were you by yourself? I think you went and sat by yourself. No, no, that was me and I took one other person who was most sheepish. And I was like, God, don't worry about it. Ed won't mind. I said Ed will mind, but when he eats the food, he'll understand. That was also the trip where, that wasn't the first time you upset me, that trip. Oh, what was the second? I arrived and I think you're already there this is in Montreal and I got I had a moustache

13:51James Acaster: yes and I got into the hotel lobby and literally hadn't I just checked in and Cindy came up to me I don't think there was a hello and said you look like a pedophile so I went upstairs and I shaved my moustache off that's a good friend I shaved my moustache off straight away because Cindy told me and look you're so handsome thank you very much straight from pedo to handsome and what a leap yeah not many people go from pedo to handsome just like that and trustworthy yeah yeah and that was also the trip where you is it you who decided to check Dairy Queen? No, no, that was Dara. Yeah, yeah, I took the DQ on the...

14:22And it was DQ on his foot.

14:23James Acaster: Yeah, DQ on his foot. I came out of that whole trip smelling of roses. I didn't put a foot wrong. It was great. Everyone else was looking like a pedo and putting ice cream on the floor and... Eating by themselves. And abandoning their friends in a queue. But I was... Can I just say, I've had a moustache since then. I haven't met you. Yeah, I've avoided you at every cost. of ducked down corners to avoid you. I don't want my self-confidence rocked. But let me tell you, it's one of the least popular things I've ever done in my life. Yes, because no one wants to be around a pedo. I think I look smashing.

14:57Don't. If I was a pedo, I'd be like the Pied Piper of pedos. I'd be leading the kids around the town.

15:04James Acaster: I mean, I'm always very proud of Ed when he does it because no one encourages him. He gets nothing but pushback from everybody. I discourage it. Yes, and he sticks to the fact he likes it and he does it. Yeah. Well, you know. I'm quite proud of him for that. Look, kudos to you. And you're a hairy guy today. Yeah, I've got lazy this week. Stubbly boy. I've got lazy. Yeah, but he doesn't look like a pedo. Thank you. He looks slightly sleepy and lazy. Compliment received. But not a pedo. Shabby chic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. But you know, I think that whole idea that I think this is going to look good and I'm going to do it.

15:40I think it's great. No, you don't. You said I look like a pedo. No, no. But I mean, if you want to look like a pedo, that's on you. Then you say, I'm pedo-like, but I want this mustache. And I say, okay. You know, I respect that. I mean, I didn't have the guts to keep my frizzy hair and look electrocuted. I got hair Botox. Yeah. Now, you've obviously got a swanky new hairdo. So we should talk about your tour. Swanky. Yes. And the hairdo for the poster of that show is indeed swanky. I want to say it's all my own hair.

16:13James Acaster: That's impressive. And the amount of hairspray in my hair, if someone in Wales had lit a lighter, I would have gone on fire. So I was, and that was back when I was smoking and I was like, I can't be smoking around my own self. Yeah. So I was very scared, but it looked amazing. It's mad when you think about, you know, you see like pictures of people in the 50s and they've got that hair and they're having a sick. I don't know how they're doing it, but I think they would do a lot of back brushing. And I don't like doing back brushing because... Your hair's so frizzy. Well, my hair's frizzy, but also back brushing takes a lot to like get out and it's just painful but i think we did some but not that much but that's that hairdo was something else and it was very much influenced by the fact that i was going to be on celebrity mastermind and my topic was jack yonasis oh yeah i started reading about her and then maria callas yeah and i was like not only is this woman i mean i feel sad for she's so goddamn tragic but her hair and then i put the hair in my poster did Did you keep the hair for when you went on Mastermind?

17:10No, because that hair, you couldn't. I mean, I wanted to smoke. So I took the hair out and I went on Mastermind and didn't win. I hate talking about it.

17:18James Acaster: Okay. Where did you come? I don't know. I didn't win. That's what matters. Don't. We didn't win either. We didn't win. I know, but you know, it annoys. I came joint second. Yeah, but don't talk to me about winning because you always win that game with the smashing words and drives me out of my mind. You're talking about answer smash. Yeah. On how some games. Yes. Every time. I'm like, what could this be? And you always know what it is. And I want to run over and punch you. Because how do you get it every time? It bothers me. I'm good at Aunt Smash as well. And Diamond got really angry at me because I was so good at it.

17:49Yeah, but we haven't gone to it.

17:49James Acaster: She hissed at me like a cat at one point. Are you looking forward to being back on tour after five years? I am. The fact that I haven't toured in the UK for five years is really the thing that's making me... You know how like before your birthday you're like, oh, I'm going to get nice presents. I feel like that. because I feel, I very much feel like a UK comic, you know. And I like going to different places in the UK and gigging and then in the daytime walking around the high street. You walk around the places you tour to? Well, if I have nothing else to do, I walk around. Have you heard of sitting in the theatre dressing room eating Nando's?

18:23The whole of the previous day. Yeah. No, no, I go get my nails done.

18:28James Acaster: In the hotel? But whatever hotel I'm staying at, I don't really care. But like you go out in the city, in the town, you don't just sit in the hotel? Well, it depends. If I'm watching a Netflix trying to get through because I get very obsessive, then I do. But if I don't, so there's a couple of things I always do when I go on tour in different cities is I always find a nail place because I like getting my nails done because it's a bit like buying a handbag but less expensive. It makes you feel great. It's like low touch. Anyway, I get my nails done or I get my hair done. Not hair Botox, just get my hair done.

18:59So for that, you have to leave the hotel.

19:00James Acaster: Sure. Especially because I always stay in Premier Inn. So you really have to leave the hotel. See, this is, I'm thinking swanky. We've talked about hair Botox. We've talked about getting your nails done. It's like buying a nice handbag. Swanky, swanky, swanky. And then prem you're in. And then suddenly you're in prem, you're in. Yeah, that's an issue which will be dealt with. But it's your issue that you can deal with. Yes, because I had this idea when I first toured that it's just, you're so tired and you just go to sleep. What's the big deal? The John Robbins ideal. Oh, is it? That's the John Robbins theory.

19:31John Robbins views his life. Okay, so I was like, oh, you just go to sleep. And it worked in my first tour perfectly because I also didn't know what was going on. I started touring and I didn't really understand what it meant. I was like, where am I? Also, I had never left London, really. I was like, what is this place? And people would say it's St. Albans. It's not really that far. I'd be like, where are we? Then I started going further and further out and stuff. Then the second tour, for many different reasons, I didn't change it because the options were not great. Also, it's not like there's fantastic four seasons in different places.

20:04So you think I'll just save on this. This time I'm going to come up with different ideas and I don't know exactly what they are, but I'm going to avoid staying in Premier Inn because it can make you sad. Yes. Especially if it's like a red brick one and the only view is the parking lot, it can make you sad. Yeah. And I don't want to be sad. You're on a tour called Swanky. And I'm on a tour called Swanky. Get swanky, baby. I'll get swanky. There's one brand of hotel which always is like set up so that everyone who's there imagines they're having an affair in the middle of the afternoon. Marmaison?

20:36There you go. It's like all that's going to happen. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

20:40James Acaster: Absolutely. Just straight away. Yeah. Yeah, but that's what it is. It's a shagging hotel. Yeah, but it's not just regular shagging. No, it's got to be some kind of illicit, massive. And I go in there and I'm like, wait, what? That's jarring to me. You know, for many different reasons, which we cannot get into in this podcast. But there's got to be some other in between. like a country hotel type situation. Yeah, doesn't feel like having an affair or having a red hot poker shoved up your butt. Exactly. There you go. That's the bit I didn't want to bring up, but now you brought it up. I just thought I'd make it clear to the listener.

21:15James Acaster: I mean, I've got ideas for you, but we'll probably do it after the podcast. Yeah. Yeah, otherwise we'll never get to the food bit.

21:22James Acaster: So we are going to present you a tasting menu. You don't know what you're going to have today. and we're not revealing who it is until the end is that what you want to happen so normally we would tell you at the top but we won't do that this time apparently I can't control my prejudices but that makes me want to tell her yeah but like we'll tell you you can guess as we go along if you like if you think you know who it is of all the people that have ever come on this podcast do I know this person we'll tell you it's a comedian oh so for your water course it's water from the fountain of youth in big john little john would you like some explanation what does that mean so apparently big john little john was a kids tv show in the 70s in this country yes okay well about um about a man called john who drinks from the fountain of youth and what that does is it means every so often he just turns into an eight his eight-year-old self and then grows again okay and this person wanted to drink water from that so they could go to being eight years old and back again yes what a happy childhood they must have had yeah good lord okay so you would not you would not want to drink the fountain of youth to turn into an eight-year-old version of what are you talking about you just said you got your hair botoxed you were talking to us about those kind of procedures earlier and you were like you were like you were like you were like i would get everything done yeah oh yeah this is fountain of youth it's just going to make you younger it's going to make me eight I don't want to be eight again I had a terrible stammer I didn't fancy you and I okay pedo James man James no this Ed wouldn't moustache Ed wouldn't yeah yeah this Ed doesn't have yeah this is good Ed cool that guy's cool suave heavy metal Ed heavy metal cool musketeer slick slick Rick I call him.

23:19Oh, that's even worse. Okay, now you're really entering, like you're even giving yourself a... It's not a pedo name. Slick Rick. He's a rapper. Okay. So all I'm saying is I don't want to be eight. You're saying because you had a stammer when you were eight? I had a terrible stammer and I was bullied all the time. But you wouldn't be, this doesn't take you back to the time. It just physically turns into an eight-year-old.

23:39James Acaster: But I guess Cindy's worried that when she goes, when she's turned into an eight-year-old, she gets her stammer back and then new bullies are going to find her. Yeah, but also when I was eight, I was so scrawny that my mother used to say to me if you don't finish your dinner then you'll not put and I would say no I don't want to eat because it was always like what would she say to you? don't finish your dinner? she said if you don't finish your dinner you'll keep looking like this I'll give you a cup go and beg because you look like a beggar that's what she used to say alright so it wasn't a time I felt like I looked great okay and you know me vain and shallow kind hearted but vain and shallow I wouldn't want to be 8 I show you a picture of myself when I was 8 My mother used to cut my hair like a square and then send me to the American school where I had a stammer, got the shit kicked out of me all the time.

24:24It was not a great time, man. I shouldn't laugh so much at this. It is hilarious. I was also very annoying because I wanted to talk all the time. And kids would just punch me, right? Be like, shut the fuck up. But adults couldn't. So I would corner adults in my parents' house and be like, do you want to, do you want to hear a joke? And they'd be like, Jesus, we're going to take half an hour. I was universally disliked. I don't want to drink this Little John Big John water and go there okay sorry

24:53James Acaster: yeah we just have tap water well no you gotta have you gotta have what's on the tasting menu oh I have to is it well you don't if you don't want to it's there it's gonna be on the table that's what we're bringing you is Big John Little John Fountain of Youth water well you guys explained it and as per that explanation I will not be drinking it what if I mean I don't know how the water works but if you don't drink it maybe if you just like dip your hand in it you get an 8 year old's hand how do you feel about that no you'd like that put your hair in it a tiny little hand what if you just washed your hair in it yeah then I'd have great hair no but then it'll go to Lego lady hair again oh yeah but that's fine because if I could keep this personality a non-stammer I could carry off that hair it's also very thick yes okay so I could put my hair in it we'll let you wash your hair in the fountain of youth water perfect perfect okay that sounds good amazing no but it's true it was a diabolical time for me it was horrible so you wouldn't want to go back to being an eight no but I would like my eight year old hair yeah so we'll put your hair in the water yeah we'll wash your hair I'll just do this it'll be fine and then you get your lovely eight year old hair back yeah and I don't care about the hair so I could carry it off uh papad or bread papad papad so he really can't like lean into it with confidence can you no no never no you must never but on the previous episode we recorded today I said it the way that you told me to because uh I promised you that I would do it but you said it so well you said it so well thank you paparou bread paparou bread but then he'll go paparou paparou bread no you just you get really shy yeah really shy oh gosh don't be paparou any other language when I was a kid any other language yeah when I was a kid my dad was like we were in a French service station and he went you go and pay for your food by yourself because he's like it will help you learn the language yeah I got to the front and the person started saying a whole bunch of stuff I didn't understand.

26:45James Acaster: Absolutely panicked, there's a long line behind me. I can't do it. No, but it's not easy. Still now, I feel like I'm in French services. The worst is when you learn basics of a language when you're going somewhere, just to say like, hello and thank you, or can I have the bill? And you get so good at doing that, that then they assume that you've got more. Oh, yeah. And you have to reel it back in and go, no, me stupid English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm doing Spanish on Duolingo. and I did it as a kid so it's like not there's someone I'm so good in Duolingo that owl is so happy with me like just you know ba-bing ba-bing and woo-hoo and all that stuff and then I go to the grocery store in Mallorca and I want milk and I'm like estoy leche I am milk I forget all my grammar I just panic and my husband is standing behind me like but I insist that I know it because I know it in my head and then I get there and I panic and I say estoy And there's no owl there like bigging you up No but the lady the lady's looking at me like not another foreigner in Mallorca who's you know fucking so then anyway but yeah I know but you know what we have to break through that Yeah And you break through it with Papa I will break through it with Iron Milk Yeah Leche Well I Yeah Iron Milk would be a good like a Will Smith film Yeah or Leche Aura Milk Now Yeah Milk Now Yeah that's good That's like the sequel to Apocalypse Now so actually they chose a bread anyway injera bread what bread yeah the ethiopian bread that is like all the the different uh dishes are on top of it and you kind of tear it and you use it to like a big nun it's sort of it's a little bit injera bread is a little bit spongy it's almost got a little sour taste it's really delicious so and it's like sort of big it's sort of like crumpety pancakey sort of consistency and they'll put all the stuff on top of it it's really good You can go for like an Ethiopian meal.

28:40It's so delicious. I believe this guest, he said when he remembered it, that it was almost a whole table. I don't think that's right. I don't think the table is... Oh, it can be. There can be huge breads like this. But a whole table depends on the size of the table.

28:52James Acaster: I think he wanted it to be the size of the table. He wanted it to be the size of the table. So I guess for you, it's going to be the size of the table as well because it's his menu that we're serving. This person drinking that ridiculous Big John, Little John water now wants a piece of bread the size of a table. Who is this? What I will say about this person is they used the dream aspect of the dream menu to its maximum capacity. Okay, so it's in their head. Fountain of youth water. Ingera bread the size of the table. How are we spelling the name of this bread? I think it's I-N-J-E-R-A. Yes, he did it without even looking.

29:24Ingera bread. Okay, well.

29:25James Acaster: It's a big moment for the podcast. You know what? I have never eaten it. And regardless of the size of this parachute of bread that we have, I will have some. I think you would really like it. I'm sure I would love it. Is there stuff on it? they didn't say there was I think you just got that like a tablecloth let's go eat the tablecloth quite often when I've been for Ethiopian food since we recorded this episode rather than it all coming out as one you get that but then also extra and it's like rolled up into little rolls of bread so bread on bread well there's like extra bread on the side to dip because there's a lot of sauces in Ethiopian food in real life not on the tablecloth no no no I'm talking about my own life here good alright well that This is something for me to go and explore.

30:06This has started really well. You've already got your hair from when you were eight and a nice bit of Ethiopian bread. Not a bit though. A nice massive curtain. Huge curtain. Huge tablecloth curtain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bed cover of bread. Yeah. That's good. I'd love a bed cover of bread. I know, me too, me too, me too, me too. I keep getting AI things on my algorithm of people getting into beds made of different food. Which you know, but can I just, this is so interesting because that you know is AI. Yeah. I get real stuff and then I send it to my kid. she's like mom this is AI yeah no I have to ask my wife and I'm like how do you know it's AI she's like why would the tiger be in their dining room yeah yeah I'm like it can happen she's like no it cannot happen I sent one to my wife the other day I was like look at this is amazing yeah and she was like they're giraffes that are like two inches tall I don't know what a baby giraffe looks like I know and then she gave me a trick she said look at the eyeballs yeah not all the eyeballs I said I'm looking at a meme I'm not doing a I'm not in a life-threatening situation I have to look at eyeballs and I'm looking at a meme she's like ma it's AI yeah but I would like AI of people getting into beds made of food yeah so it's like can you send me something and then I'll start following the videos will be like which bed would you prefer and it'll be like a bed of bread a bed of beans or something like cheese a bed of croissant yeah yeah yeah a bed of croissant that'd be good wow

31:21James Acaster: wow it's good I'm getting loads and then you think about that with yourself do you think what bed would I like to get in that's made of food yeah well I like the video I comment on which one I'd like and I keep getting sent them it's really annoying I know I would do that yeah yeah I would do that what do you comment yeah bread bed yeah bread bed or yeah cheese and beans bread disgusting yeah too much you wouldn't like that big jacket potato that you have on set no I would like to eat that I would like to sleep in that yeah because it is messy also my wife Charlie keeps getting AI videos of like a a cat being sat on a doorstep and there's loads of these and then an old lady comes out and goes hello oh, are you all right?

32:03And then the cat blasts a jet of water out of its mouth and blows the old lady away and then the whole house collapses. She knows it's AI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As opposed to you, who's like, check out this crazy cat. That poor lady. But I watch that and I go, people are worried about AI, but we're in a golden age right now. We are in a golden age. Yeah.

32:22James Acaster: That's funny stuff. That is. I mean, that's not the same AI that would kill us, though. No. They're different types. What do you mean? We can keep that one forever. What do you mean it's different types? Different types. It's not super intelligence. So like that one with the cats spraying the lady, we can have that forever and it's not going to hurt anyone. Yeah, but the AI that's going to kill us is sending us this, so we become kind of... No, that's not how it looks. Yeah, brain rot. They're rotting up. No, it's not that the AI that can kill us already exists and is sending us nice little memes and GIFs to trick us.

32:50James Acaster: I think it is. That's not been invented yet. Well, then why are we worried about it if it's not been invented yet? Because they're trying to invent it. Because you watch Ex Machina and you believe it. Yeah. Yes, sure. you two can't tell the difference between a photo and an AI thing so I don't think you're one to talk

33:07fair but I think that AI exists I think it's in a lab

33:10James Acaster: it doesn't exist but not super intelligence doesn't exist just to get just yet killer AI exists I think AI exists no killer AI exists but they just haven't told us killer AI you called it killer AI okay fair enough but like that doesn't exist yet it just hasn't gotten to us but here's the thing you guys life is now oh good and I'm not AI you're not AI Benito is not AI this podcast is not AI no one thinks that this is AI so we are all here now fuck the future killer AIs let's enjoy our memes try and differentiate between AI and normal memes and move on makes no sense to live life like that go don't worry about what's going to happen in the future because life is now yeah it's true that's true don't worry about the future James don't worry about the future because life is now people are too worried about the environment yeah People are too worried about AI.

33:59No, well, listen. Hello? No need to catastrophize it. Just let's think about it and put shit in recycling and be like, okay, cool. And also let's not, you know, use bad fuels. And fracking is terrible. But oh God, what can I do? But anyway, it is terrible. And then like, you know, support the right things. Make sure kids are getting an education. If you have some extra money, put it in girls' education. I think that's important. Just do like your bit, but don't catastrophize the future because we have so little control.

34:26James Acaster: And the cat spraying the lady is funny. Yeah. yes well we all agree that that's funny that i'm not saying that the cat's been a lady isn't funny i've not seen it but it sounds funny to see it also i get a lot of like wrestling ones where it's like stephen hawking wrestling people on wwe that is the kind of thing my son would send me yeah yeah he wins that's important stephen hawking by the way went on record uh warning people not to pursue super intelligence Yes, he did. Because it would kill everyone. Yes. But see, now he can do nothing. He did it. And that was his rule. Yes, but he's dead now.

35:01Yeah, there you go.

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37:12James Acaster: When you came on the podcast, Your starter was whitefish ceviche from Uruguay. No, from that wedding. And I stole it on the side. This person has chosen. This is what you're getting today. The one bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips from the 1990s. And one bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips from present day. And you have both of them. And you need to see if they have changed. That is fucking fantastic. Okay. Because, do you understand what we're talking about here? Yeah. In 1990, I had never eaten salt and vinegar chips. I didn't know it was a crisp. I didn't know anything. I knew there was a, in India we called it potato chips and it was the flavor of potato and I was not allowed to eat them because my mother said it's processed.

37:53She said, I'll make them at home and whatever the fuck she was making was not what my friends had in a bag. What would she do? She was slicing potatoes really thin and frying them. Yeah. And then saying, Yolo, take this. And it's like, Yolo. Yeah, Yolo. You only once. Your mom was really ahead of the curve. She was like, eat this and it's not processed and the oil is not bad. And it was like, but this is not the stuff my friends have. And she said, then go to their house and ask the mother to adopt you and stuff like that. Then you were like, oh, I can't do that. So you had to eat those at home.

38:25So I had never eaten them. And then I moved here in 1991. And crisps, you guys eat them like a religion. Everyone eating crisps, crisps. I didn't know about salt and vinegar. I ate just normal potato. I was like so greedy because I could have the real thing. and that's when I met Walker's crisps you know I love why are you laughing just because you said I met it's like it was so amazing and like you could get bags you know in the supermarket lots of bags in one bag oh my god loved it so now that I am British enough to easily eat crisps and have a preference my favorite crisp is salt and vinegar yes so I know what the current several different brands of salt and vinegar taste like yeah so i would be not only overjoyed to eat the ones from now i could now find out what they tasted in 1990 when i hadn't eaten any british

39:18James Acaster: crisps this is actually i think this would make me so happy uh a better starter for you than it was for our original no i guess who chose it i think the original guests wanted to know whether because they had a theory that kettle chips but they call them kettle crisps kettle chips taste different now to how they did in the 90s and he couldn't work out whether the crisps had changed or he had so he wanted to compare them see if it's an actual taste thing or whether he just matured or changed over the years your taste buds don't change who is this person they do change a bit don't they olives and stuff you know like olives when you're a kid but they like kettle chips even then so it wasn't that they'd never tasted them and like my mother used to feed you food you didn't like and you'd say i don't like this you'd say cultivate the taste and cultivate that work did that work for you yeah i ate mushrooms under the fear of death i had mushrooms on my pizza because she used to have mushroom pizza and it was very expensive yeah so she would order one pizza of what she wanted and then you had to eat it and if you try to take the mushroom off you're wasting mushroom it's very expensive cultivate the taste i love mushrooms now but i think for a long time i was just afraid so i would just eat them a lot of the times when you tell stories about your mum you're like she used to do this oh my god she used to do this but it does sound like something you you do now right oh yeah all sounds like stuff you do now yeah not in the same context i have bigger fish to fry than forcing my half-white kids to eat mushrooms right i have bigger fish to fry but yes some of the tactics and the tone yeah and the underlying intentionality is very similar yes right i don't know why that's so funny It's funny because you refer to your children as my half-white kids.

40:57Well, because they come sort of pre-packed with certain DNA, you know, that just makes them not like me. You know, like they want to do art in school. As in not similar to you rather than not like you. That also, but they're at that age now where they're like, you know, they don't like you and they don't like their mom or whatever. But they'll eventually have to come back. Yeah, they do. I mean, even people who hate their mom are in therapy because their mom is a big deal. It's like, where are you going to go? Especially now, like the economy's fucked. They're not going to be able to get a house without coming back around.

41:31100%. That also, but also if you don't sort out your mom's stuff, you cannot really move forward. So one way or the other, they're stuck with me in their head. And I hope it's good. But if it's bad, fine. I have to say one thing my mother taught me and that I have and I very much lived that as a mother is you have to guide your children. children you have to give them good values and then at some point you have to try and see who they are and then step back and i think that's important because you you you sort of load them up like a program and then you say go out in the world yeah and then you see you know then then you try and see who they are my kids are three of them are so different you know i sometimes look at them and i think you're all three so different you're only similar and that you've picked up so little from me that makes me sad for them but anyway okay it's got a lot from your white husband yeah he's a fantastic i mean like in my next life if he's not my husband can he be my dad he's such a great dad one of the weirdest things anyone's ever said why in in every life you have a different relationship with the same people in your family because of your karmic load

42:36James Acaster: debts and credits do you guys not know this even just the phrase load yeah karmic load i don't really like being in there all the perverts in this room can filter this information how they imagine if I had my moustache yeah unbroadcastable yeah okay sorry should we take okay I'll we can cut all that out no we can keep it all in that you wish your husband was your dad call him me a pedo in my next life when you don't remember the previous lives relationships right because he's such a great father you know and he's given the kids he has given them what confidence they have yeah I have given them a deep ability to self-criticize I don't believe that's true you're a very confident lady yeah but in my head it's i mean like with them i'm like why didn't you do this you should do this better you could get 100 why did you get 90 you know that kind of thing yeah he's just like you're amazing 90 wow i'm like what you know what i mean even even when you tried to do the impression that you sounded sarcastic yeah i know 90 wow he is truly genuinely and i have great kids I have great kids.

43:44I just feel like I'm the bad cop, you know.

43:47James Acaster: Sure.

43:54James Acaster: The main course, they want 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie. And they specified they would like the blackbirds to survive and start singing when the pie is opened. So, you know, you cut the pie open. So you know that's like the sort of medieval... in the thing counting all my money yeah that's me yeah oh in the song yeah yeah i would like to be that yeah but apparently i have to be the guy that eats this goddamn fucking singing pie i'm sorry sorry can i yeah yeah they want to eat a pie with blackbirds but they have to be alive and sing yeah yeah well i guess that's what they used to do is that the sort of presentational thing in like medieval banquets they cut the pie open the blackbirds would fly out and everyone and be like, whoa, that's amazing.

44:43That didn't happen. They were dead. They were baked. I'm sorry, are we forgetting science? No, but I don't think, I think maybe the idea is that in medieval times, they just do it as a showmanship thing. So they'd bake the crust, put the blackbirds in and then open the pie and the blackbirds would fly out and everyone would be like, holy shit. But in medieval.

45:01James Acaster: Yeah. In medieval. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Holy-eth shit-eth. Holy-eth shit-eth. Yeah, okay. So we're going to bring you out what looks like a big pie. Yeah. With 24 birds in it. Yes. yeah yeah no 4 and 20 4 and 20 actually and 4 and 20 is 24 huh yeah but you've got to say it 4 and 20 because it's like in the song okay so with 4 and 20 blackbirds is a pie and it comes out yeah because 4 and 20 is when people get stoned right what I don't think that's why it's that I've never been stoned so I don't understand the reference 4 and 20 4 and 20 is when people smoke a J yeah J is a type of bird blackbirds wait what's 4 and 20 is it the time yeah 420 is like stoner time that's when people start smoking weed in the morning or afternoon afternoon if you watch a Quentin Tarantino film all the clocks are set to 420 in every scene oh even in Kill Bill I think so certainly in Pulp Fiction I didn't know this this is a movie trivia that I didn't know and I'm loving this right now look it up Ben I love Pulp Fiction it's the movie I've watched the most it's great you don't be looking at the clocks watch it again yeah I'm gonna go home and watch it today it is good Do you have a favourite story in Pulp Fiction?

46:13James Acaster: A favourite part of it? When John Travolta is talking to himself in the bathroom. Oh yeah. Convincing himself not to go out and bang. What's her face? Uma Thurman. And just that conversation. It's like, it's so... There's an innocence to him. But he's also... It's just a fantastic scene. I like that scene. Telling himself he's going to go home and jack off. Yeah. And that's what you're going to do. Yeah, that's what you're going to do. And he's just like, it's like you're just talking to yourself like a friend. And she's fully giving him the vibe. And he knows he's going to get murdered. So I know there are a lot of other great scenes.

46:47I'll tell you the storyline I could not give a shit about in that movie, which should have not been there at all. Bruce Willis, wasting our time. Really? Wasting our goddamn time throughout that film. And also with that girl that he likes in the end who talks like a baby. That whole thing, I was like, this is spoiling the movie so badly. My God. But then the second time I went to watch it, I was like, just block that shit out because you know it's coming.

47:12James Acaster: I love the Bruce Willis storyline, but I do agree that the relationship, I don't like the relationship with him and his girlfriend because it's not a good balance there. He's very, yeah, it's bad vibes, that relationship. Yeah, and also the worst rubbing of salt in my wound was that John Travolta gets killed by Bruce Willis. To me, I was like, I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit in the theatre. It sounds like you like this film. I loved it. but the Bruce Willis thing I hated all the time but you must have in Bruce Willis bit you must have at least liked at the beginning where the Christopher Walken monologue about the watch that's a good bit I liked Christopher Walken I liked what he was doing but the whole fact that it was Bruce Willis and his dad and the watch was up his ass and I was like yeah whatever but Christopher Walken I loved that whole thing and I just I think and I feel bad saying anything about Bruce Willis now because he's not well now right but it's just that that was a storyline I was like, we're wasting my time with this.

48:09Everyone else was interesting. Everybody else, except this. Even the wife of the drug dealer. She was interesting and she was on for like two minutes. And this guy was taking up so much space.

48:21James Acaster: Butch, the boxer. Yeah. Idiot. Is there an animal or a bird that you would rather have in the pie if you don't want this? They have to be alive though. They have to be alive when the pie opens to you. Okay, good. So there's no question of eating it. No. Unless you're Aussie Osborne eating blackbirds. Okay. I would love it instead of 4 and 20 blackbirds, which I think are also very bad vibes, blackbirds. I would love it if it had 4 and 20 owls. I love owls. Do you know? Because first of all, first of all, I don't even know why you're laughing. It's like blackbirds are not less funny than owls. I just think it was the delight on your face.

49:03And owls are bigger as well.

49:05James Acaster: No, no, no, no. There's also miniature owls. Yeah, those tiny little ones. Yeah, they're like the marmoset of owls, you know, the tiny. But the thing about owls is... Do they definitely exist or are they AI? Yeah, you guys might have been looking at more AI pictures. Because, you know, I'm big into animals. They're not AI, they're AI? Yeah. What?

49:27Only English people can say what like that.

49:29James Acaster: What's your problem? I think we can't do this podcast anymore. Why? That's good stuff. We can't recover from that. That's a cute joke. Are you? Yeah. We can't recover from that. Why not? That's good stuff, man. You enjoyed it? I don't think you're doing it anymore. I not only enjoyed that, I enjoyed his watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get a what out of James, you know it's gone really wrong. Anyway, so there's tiny little owls. And the thing is, even the tiny owls, they look at you with the seriousness of like the four foot tall owls because owls are wise. They've decided they're wise. Yeah. And so they just look at you very wisely and then they don't like you.

50:03They go... like exorcist, just all the way around. But they stop on that side. What an insult. They're like, I'm going to look directly opposite you. They don't even come back around until they feel like. I love that about them because that's kind of, I often want to do that, you know. But they think they're wise. Don't they have like tiny brains? Don't their eyes take up most of their head? Yes, but it's all about self-confidence, right? You think I'm so confident. I walk into a room, I have self-confidence, but I'm like super interiorly very, not very, it's getting less with age, but quite insecure.

50:38Yeah. They maybe have tiny brains and insecure, but they think they're wise. They're confident and sexy. Yeah. And there's something menacing about them, but wise. So you know, they'll only kill the right people. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They'd only kill the, yeah.

50:53James Acaster: So you want four and 20 owls in a pie. But the little ones. I don't want any giant owls. Yeah. I don't want like Hogwarts owls. No. No. No, and there's bigger owls than that. I was just seeing tigers in India last month, as you do. And there was a humongous owl. Okay, here's something. 27 years I've been married. I know my husband quite well. We're looking at this owl. And the owl, of course, at some point is like, fuck these people. I don't want to look at them. Starts turning its head, but it's polite enough to come back around. My husband's like, what's it doing? I'm like, what's it? It's owl doing.

51:26It's what owls do with their head. And he's like, I thought that was just like in the books. Wow. I'm like, I'm sorry. You thought someone had made that up? And he was like, why are you getting so offended? I'm like, this is the most owl thing about an owl. And he said the most owl thing about an owl is sits in the chimney and does hoo-hoo. I was like, absolutely not. It was really something. But he saw it do the turning thing and then he was so fascinated by it. Then we had to drive the Jeep in front so he could look back and see it looking this way. And then we reversed the Jeep and then it looked this way.

52:02And he was fascinated. I was like, bro, what? Anyway, 27 years, I didn't know. He didn't know about this owl thing. But little owls.

52:09James Acaster: Our parents can be embarrassing sometimes.

52:15James Acaster: Next life, James. Next life. Yes, yes. Your next life, dad. Next life. You guys have made it pervy, you know? although it's not that pervy there's all these can I say that now go on well there's all these women now who are like you know like for them sexy talk is like who's my daddy sure so that's not the vibe the vibe is in my next life when I have another husband who I'm getting it on with not that I would discuss it with my then dad yeah but it could be my husband because he's such a great dad but I would not discuss it with him so it's more like who's my next life daddy but not in that tone yeah okay but I would say I mean I think that's not women saying who's my daddy I think it's men pervy weird men saying who's your daddy to women I think women have a lot of daddies do women say who's my daddy oh yeah it's a big thing for women is it yeah it's a good point I've never heard a woman go who's my daddy well maybe they're well no but maybe they're saying to someone because that's actually a very open ended question isn't it it could be anything call me daddy or who's your daddy you sort of know what the answer to that is, but who's my daddy?

53:22He could be like, well, yeah, I know him. He's a really nice man.

53:25James Acaster: Yeah, I picked you up from your house. I think perhaps, I mean, you've never heard that, sure, but it happens. And you can leave it there. Yeah. Okay.

53:39James Acaster: Side dish. You chose stuff that was potatoes. I did. Which, by the way, are very good potatoes. Can we agree? Oh my goodness, I made some the other day. Aren't they great? So good. And you use cream. Yeah. Do you put pepper? No, or salt. Good. No salt or pepper. You can add stuff afterwards, but... Yeah. The recipe I use is literally like sliced potatoes, cream, milk, three garlic cloves in with a cream of milk while you cook it and then strain them out. Then pour it over and a little Gruyere cheese on the top, which I don't know how authentic that is, but that does a lot of the salting as well.

54:12Yeah, that kind of cheese. But also if you use very high quality butter when you're serving it, that takes care of the salt. Yeah, yeah. This is one thing I don't put chilli in, you know. Oh, really? Because you want the potato-y potato-ness of the whole thing. And you want that cream butter thing. It's so good. Well, I think you might like this side even more. Earlier on, I was thinking this has actually worked out very well. A jacket potato from his last year of university

54:37James Acaster: from a van with coleslaw, chilli sauce, garlic mayo, cheese and butter. I'm sorry, what was the first thing? Coleslaw? Coleslaw. And then? chili sauce garlic mayo cheese and butter well fine also where's the protein yeah but then you're in your last year of school so what do you care like your last year of college and to be fair the first time i i was going to say met a jacket potato what we know that sets you off i love it uh the first time was in a van when i came to university here and everyone because i was very strict vegetarian and so everyone had and i didn't did i drink i think i drank with the confidence of someone who could drink but was just vomiting like just one gin and tonic and then like and everyone was like what is up with her but anyway everyone was from somewhere else it was fine i remember being very hungry and it was of course there was a boy so i was like walking around oh god it was like very early in the morning i was hungry i'd been throwing up you hadn't had your daily slice of pizza yet oh yeah no no that was montreal this is here and then someone said to me oh there's a donor kebab van and i said kebab i don't eat kebab they said no no you can get potatoes and i thought french rice then they went huge potato and they said no you have to put stuff in it and then there's all these choices so yes i understand that university and yeah potato the idea that you would put cold salad in a hot potato shows you know i don't know just not i guess you're at that stage you're not discerning you're just eating whatever why i thought you might chime with this a little bit is obviously you're talking about having a jacket potato but you were talking about how it's a mess and it all looks like brains this guest it beans and cheese looks like brains no sure but this guest was talking about how like coagulated and like yeah you get it back home and it's in that polystyrene container and you open it up and it's just like a total mess but you just dig in it's delicious yeah i've never gotten home i would just sit on the curb there yeah and eat it but also I don't mix hot and cold so I think I would eat it but I would move the coleslaw to the side also garlic mayo absolutely not why not?

56:48I don't like mayonnaise and so I would just move it to the side well coleslaw is I guess pretty mayonnaise-y as well there you go and it's cold I mean it's just fucking you at every level it's cold it's mayonnaise you're like oh fine so you move that to the side you move the garlic mayo to the side but maybe you're so drunk you don't care and then the butter and what was the other thing cheese chili sauce oh my god i would actually you know what i would do i would focus my mind on the butter and because butter and chili is quite a combination yeah if you've ever what's the word roasted corn on the cob and then you rub butter and lemon or lime and chili on it you're so good divine yeah so i would just focus on that in my mind i would zen myself into that and ignore all the other shitty bits they put in it yeah but you know you'd be like okay fine so I would get through that and I would be quite satisfied especially because I'd had kettle chips so it's that kind of meal you know it's just like a trashy messy meal yeah it really is I like that I think this guest wanted it to be quite a substantial side dish because the main course basically all you're eating is pie crust because all the birds have flown away yes because they're all alive yeah so you wouldn't be hungry at the end of it because there's nothing as bad as eating food and then thinking I'm still hungry than having to go home and order a pizza The jacket potato has taken on quite a, it's become quite trendy now.

58:08Oh yeah? Well, online, there's a couple of guys who like run jacket potato vans who have loads of followers online who do like POV videos of them preparing jacket potatoes for people. But I suppose the social media has decided that it's trendy. It's always been trendy. For me, a jacket potato is a staple of this UK. It's like, if you don't know what else to eat, eat a jacket. It's on every catering menu. Yeah. And then for anyone who can't fucking decide, Jack and Potato. Jack and Potato with anything you want. So you say a fine hello, that's me. Yeah. You know, and also they're always done really well.

58:42And also where are they getting these gigantic potatoes? I mean, what's in those potatoes? They're like watermelons. Yeah, they're gigantic. I watch these videos and they're like, do you want a large? And the person will be like, yeah. And they'll turn around and open the oven and this fucking thing comes out that looks like a UFO. It's bonkers. AI, it's AI again. It's not AI, man. You've watched another AI video. No, no. This is real, man. And do you know what's distressing to me? is that I have a kid who loves jacket potatoes, but wants tuna and sweet corn in their jacket potato. And I'm like, it's cold.

59:10And she's like, bro, what? Tuna mayo. I quite like hot and cold together. And she likes mayonnaise. Yeah. But you know, you think... That's her dad doing that, I think. No, no, he's never eaten a jacket potato. Danes find that bizarre. It's like one of those English things. They're like, no, spotted dick, no thanks. But jacket potato, no thanks. They don't get it. Yeah. He's just like... And given how much potatoes they eat, they just eat them boiled it's like do something fun bake it and put this stuff in it no thanks so it's definitely not him but she you know but then she's english that's the other thing that's the third thing in them they're english we like cold and disappointing things sucked in mayonnaise no but they like mayonnaise and sweet corn and tuna so i'm like you know what it's a jacket potato knock yourself out so sometimes for dinner when it's just me and her we'll have a jacket potato i'll have beans and cheese and she's like you're so gross and then she'll have this mayo to nothing and I'll be like I'm gonna throw up and then we just sit there and eat and insult each other's food but we're happy that's nice this episode is sponsored by ZocDoc have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start we've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc actually over the holidays Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed but we hopped onto ZocDoc found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key.

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1:01:19And that's why I created the Manny System, so you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home. And guess what? The best part, each mani only costs$2. Yep, you heard me,$2. No more$30,$40,$50 salon trips that eat up your day. Now you can paint your nails whenever you want, wherever you want. And trust me, you're going to be obsessed with your nails and everyone is going to ask you, where did you get your nails done? And here's a little something extra. Head over to oliveandjune.com and get 20 % off your first mani system with code PERFECTMANI20 at oliveandjune.com slash PERFECTMANI20. That's code perfect manny 20 for 20 off at olivanjune.com slash perfect manny 20 you're all set for a nail glow up let's get those nails looking fabulous shall we drink is you had a white version uh would that still be your dream drink uh no what's what's taken over now see what's happened is i I can't handle alcohol the same way.

1:02:25Right. Because I started doing dry January and it's fucked with my drinking. So then when you come off of dry January, suddenly your body's like, I can't drink this, I can't drink that. I think I might have told you guys this before, but it used to be very partial to like gin and tonic and vodka tonic. And then vodka I had to let go of because I started telling the truth. And it was just, I mean, I lost a couple of friends. Imagine what that would be then. Oh, it was horrible. No, but I mean, seriously. Because normally you really, you know, hide your light under a bushel. You're not telling any.

1:02:54No, no, but like real truth. You know, like. Can you give us an example? Not about us. No, no. Well, I was at a dinner party and when I, this is how I knew it could be an issue. And how should I put this? Because people will listen to this. Okay. There was a couple we know, and this is a big group and a couple we know where he's never really been nice to her. Like he's a bit spiky with her and she just takes it. But he's a really big deal. Let's leave it that. at that. So everyone figures, no one really can say anything to him. And he's a really big deal. And he's doing very well in life. And he's always been a bit like, he's always, you know, like if she says something, he says, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1:03:30And then, and then I said, and he would sit next to me and, and I said something and he sort of made fun of something to do with Jakob. And I'd been drinking vodka tonics, which I thought was totally safe drink. I'd been drinking them my whole life. And then he said something else and he said, yeah, well, that's fine for you. Like you wouldn't have married an Indian because then you would have had to, you know, explain yourself. You've married this dull Scandinavian. And I thought, I looked at him and then I said to him, well, whoever I've married, at least I don't treat my spouse like shit and I'm not rude to them and put them down.

1:04:04I don't even fucking know where you get. Everyone stopped talking. He left. He got up and left. And I remember my one friend looking at me across the table, like, and I was like, I don't know. I didn't drink vodka for five years after that because this is like we socialize with these people and the wife was very upset with me yeah so you see what I mean he deserved it though no but I didn't have to take that like sounds like vodka turns you into a superhero no no it

1:04:32James Acaster: was very bad oh my god I just thought that he deserved it I think that's fine yeah but I didn't need to be the one no because then it became so awkward like there were so many parties we just didn't get invited to or were like people would call and be like you can't come be like oh it's I get it. I get it. I went to your house for a Christmas party. Yeah, but that was my party. It was your party. And everyone loved it that I had one of my non-civilian friends. I was so happy you came. I was the only comedian there. Yeah, non-civilian friend. Apart from Cindy. Apart from Cindy. And then, yeah, I had to leave when I'd had probably one too many drinks and a similar thing, just too honest because I was meeting a lot of bankers because that's, you know.

1:05:13And some hedge funders.

1:05:14James Acaster: Yeah. and two of the bankers met me two blokes maybe both about 10 or 20 years older than me and one of them went I bet you think that we're all awful people don't you and I went yeah exactly

1:05:30James Acaster: and his face fell and he went what? I went yeah no but I'm having a nice time though hanging out with all you guys but obviously you're bad people and then I had to walk over to Cinder He'll go, I need to go home now. I know, and he suddenly left. I was like, oh, but we had a great time. I had a great time. We went into the kitchen and started drinking whiskey. Yes, we were drinking whiskey in the kitchen. I can see where this came off the rails, actually. Yeah, and then I was like, I'm just going to mingle. And then I had to circle back one lap. Basically, you know it's going to go wrong if James suddenly gets sociable.

1:06:04Yeah. If James is like, I'm going to go meet some new people. You're like, oh, buddy, you're going home. No, but also, it's a bit like what happened with me. If someone is that provocative and say, oh, you married a Scandinavian, well then you know and if someone says well you think we're all bad people there's no other way James is going to react to that

1:06:19James Acaster: but he said it in a cheery way he didn't say it he wasn't being like accusatory trying to like oh I bet you think we're all bad people he went you must think we're all awful people I went yeah I do I was like that doesn't mean we can't chat I'm enjoying chatting to you I just think morally you're fucked hilarious also you said to me I said are you okay he said yeah I'm having a great time i feel like i'm in an episode of succession yeah that's funny i loved it that made me laugh i've heard the piano in my head all the time that was so funny i laughed so much when he said that because i was like no one here has a private jet yeah we all know what character you are in your head cousin greg 100 are you cousin greg 100 in that situation i think i'm cousin greg walking around yeah yeah who was your favorite character in succession big fan of cousin greg yeah you know we have a life-size cousin greg in our house because one of my kids had a crush on him so and every time i go into a room i have a heart attack because there's a giant cousin greg and he's actually very tall so it says life-size anyway you like cousin greg yeah i love cousin greg who did you like i loved carl as well the uh one of the uh like yes yes yes like top guys who's like always like trying not to get fired all the time yeah yeah yeah i think they bore on the floor of him at one point.

1:07:37A weak guy, but interesting. Who did you dislike? I mean, I dislike all of them, I'd say as a blanket statement. As people, they're absolutely awful, but I think they're all very well-drawn characters.

1:07:47James Acaster: I bet I know who you liked. Who? Skarsgård. Yeah. The Dane. Yeah. No, no, no, no. He was too much of a techie bro. Is he a Dane? I don't know. He's a Swede. He's too much of a techie bro. I like the husband. Matthew McFadden character. Yeah. He was so vile, but he was so self-preserving. Yeah. Would you want him to be your husband? No. Or your daddy? Neither. The answer is always, but it's a trick question because it has to be both. Neither. Neither.

1:08:18James Acaster: Well, their dream drink that you're having is not a white version. It's not a vodka. It's whatever the local beer on holiday is. I've never drunk beer. I'm not starting now. So it's going to come. It's going to be there. Yeah. And I'm going to be like, great, there's some beer. Why have you avoided beer? because when I was growing up my sister told me it made you fat and I think when you're seven you don't worry but it was and my dad drank San Miguel and he would fix the car and he would say get me a beer please he never said please he'd say so I'd go and I'd get him a San Miguel we lived in the Philippines and that's how I learned to open a bottle and I would give him a San Miguel and then I would get under the car he would teach me about the car so I remember beer was always something that you did when you were in a good mood you were doing stuff but my sister was like beer makes you fat she just said that one day and I was like oh and then it's in your head forever no and then my mother said to me when I got older you are very tall don't put on any weight because people will think when you walk in the room that Himalaya Parvat has walked in which is the mountain Himalayas have walked in so that stuck in my head and then I went through all the things to stop looking like the Himalayas and beer was on that list yeah because mom was like you have to get married because you're not that bright so we're going to get you married don't get fat so it was just like there was things on my list yeah and that was on the list and then then when i came here and everyone had pints and pints i would look at and be like i can't drink that yeah because i still when i came here was still supposed to be i was i was supposed to study for two years because of the scholarship and then go back and get married and i was like i can't get fat it's funny how i never questioned that yeah when things are baked in that young i think you just don't question them do you and then i had a friend in on the basketball team because I played basketball here for university and she was German and she drank beer.

1:10:06And she was tall and she drank beer and she was really skinny. So I said to her, I said, Micah, how are you drinking beer and not getting fat? And she was like, what? She didn't make the connection. And I said, well, how do you? And she's like, you know, you just don't. And I was like, no, it must be because they're German. And so I put that in the file. And I just never drank beer. And then of course I, you know, when I started drinking, I drank liquor. And it just, it was just better. Yeah. You know, I never saw anyone drink. Also, I didn't think beer was very elegant, you know. So it wasn't even like, you know, sometimes you do something for effect.

1:10:39Who is going to drink a beer for effect? What am I, a ladette? Well, that's it in the 90s. It was. It was lad and ladette culture, right? Yeah, and I was like, I never, I remember when I moved here in 97 and ladette culture. And I thought, well, none of these people are like me and I'm not going to be like them. But I was a tomboy as a kid. But the ladettes and tomboys are different. Yes. so anyway neither here nor there so I never got into beer and I never drink it and I never answered your question of what I do drink now so I drink whiskey yeah and I like to drink Japanese whiskey yes but completely contradicting what I said earlier I have gone back to drinking neat vodka because I don't drink so much of it like you don't have a double yeah and then you drink I think that was the problem too much vodka makes me honest neat vodka with ice is a great buzz and you don't get a hangover what vodka are you drinking are you drinking nice stuff then to drink Crystal Skull yes I drink a vodka that I know that I don't know the name of but I know it's very good because yeah I never get that wrong it's very good

1:11:39James Acaster: I can't believe I got Crystal Head wrong I call it Crystal Skull which is Indiana Jones but like Crystal Head Crystal Head is our it's the vodka with this podcast okay Mezcal yes I just said okay I have no idea what was Crystal Head Indiana Jones I never watched that movie because they had that Om Puri being Indian and everything about India was full of snakes and we were like what is this stupid movie yes that's fair enough I think the idea behind our guests our other guests dream drink was it's like a drink you have on holiday and it tastes amazing then you try and drink it when you get back and it tastes awful and it's just about being on the holiday and the atmosphere of the holiday do you know what for the sake of this like you gave me this menu you said we're giving you a tasting menu taste it I would drink some of that beer especially if it had the frothy stuff on top I would drink that yeah Just because it looked also like a cappuccino.

1:12:32But, you know, with the chino or cappuccino.

1:12:34James Acaster: Before you've had it, what do you think it's going to taste like? If you imagine what beer, which you've never had, tastes like. Sour? Sour. Uh-huh. I mean, I've made out with people who've been drinking beer. So it's kind of a soury smell. Do you know what I mean? I don't think it'd be sour. It had to be cold. Oh, yeah. It'd be freezing cold. If there wasn't like water droplets on the glass, I'd be like, oh, God, warm beer. What is this beer soup? but I guess you've had it quite warm from when you're making out with the people who've drunk beer it's warm by that point they haven't had it in their mouth but yes yes yes that kind of thing so I think it'd be sour I'd have a few sips I'd be like you know what this is for James and Ed I'll drink this beer a little bit what would be worse if you're making out with someone and their mouth was full of beer or if their mouth was freezing cold full of beer yeah freezing cold I would fix that it'd be weird though wouldn't it yeah it'd be weird in the beginning and then we'd be like we need to fix this Do you ever snog a snowman?

1:13:28No, no. I've never.

1:13:30James Acaster: Would you ever though? Yeah. If I dared you to snog a snowman. Yeah. At your next Christmas party, if there was a snowman in the garden and I've come again for some reason, even though I'm half in the party now, I think I hate them. And I said, oh look, there's a snowman I've got. I dare you to go and snog it, Cindy. Yeah, of course I'd snog the snowman. That's really not that high stakes, is it? In my own house, at my own party, people would be like, she's drunk again. We had a huge party once at home and I got so drunk, I walked onto the wall and I fell over and my husband was so pissed off.

1:13:58He told me, don't start so hard. You can't take your alcohol. And I'd had cocktails made with like different parts of our relationship. And they had those names. I would have gone really creative. That's nice. So like, can you give us an example? Like the strongest drink was the beginning and it was called Chicago because we'd met there. And it was very strong. And I'd spoken to the bartender. And of course, I started drinking these things on my own. Like a fucking idiot. Before the food came. And I was off my tits, as they say. And my husband kept saying to me, this is our party. What are you doing?

1:14:29And I was like, no, it's fine. Oh, my God. That was so scandalous. I had it was a Christmas party again. And I think the largest piece of clothing I had on was my Santa hat, which also my husband was like, that's great. But the more drunk you get, it's like this is our party. We are adults. We have teenage children. And I was like, no, it'll be fine. Anyway. And at some point I got very drunk and I walked into a wall and I fell over. and my husband was like, you know what? He just rolled me over to my stomach and stepped over me and kept going to the party. And at some point I woke up and I came out and I said, I passed out.

1:15:02He's like, I know. I rolled you over so you didn't choke on your vomit. I was like, oh.

1:15:06James Acaster: What a gentleman. Yeah. He was like, I told you, you can't take it, but you don't listen. I think that's spirits though, isn't it? Yeah. Spirits sneak up on you. You drink loads of it and then you feel fine. I'm fine, I'm fine. Yeah, and then suddenly all at once. And everything is so crazy. And also I was doing all of the drinks, but it was a great party. it was a great party. I've forgotten that about the party as well, actually, that I went to, is that the only rule was we had to be wearing a funny Christmas hat. Which I gave you in a basket. You had to pick one and wear it. So I wore a Christmas tree hat.

1:15:38James Acaster: That's right up your street. Yeah, yeah. Well, especially like chatting to all these people for the first time and we're just wearing stupid hats. It was quite a nice little... Yeah, I think the trick about having a good party is everyone should immediately feel like they can be exactly what they want and everyone else will appreciate it. You did that and then didn't think people appreciate it so you dashed out the door. But, you know... Well, he was upset, that man. Well, that's his fucking problem. And I think I know who it is. Yeah, probably. I told you at the time. Yeah, well, I mean, he'll get over it.

1:16:11James Acaster: All the other guests. The best thing about being the only comedian there besides the host is that everyone tells you how brave you are. Yeah, the whole time. For the whole party. The whole time. the dessert oh three of these but the same thing oh they're each made by a different person oh yeah okay bella's pudding one by bella one by his grandma and one by his mother and sister bella is a man bella is a lady bella is our previous guest's grandma's friend okay oh you say his you mean the comics yes oh okay not bella the man no because bella is a lady Bella's a lady who was the comics grandma's friend who made a pudding called Bella's Pudding.

1:16:56We tried to work out what it was. I don't think we could quite work it out. Well, give me a hint. But it had a caramel bottom to it and then like a meringue top. But what our guest said was he didn't really like the top so he just wants to eat the bottom of it. So just one type of caramel crust. Basically, yeah. Fair. And then what's the second pudding? It's just that made by different people in this family.

1:17:17James Acaster: Three times because I think Bella made it. Yeah. His grandma made it and his mother and sister made it. And I guess he will, again, once like all three to compare what they're like. Compare them and have them all made by different people. But they all are going to put meringue and he's not going to like the meringue. No, he'll scrape that off. But you can eat the meringue if you want. It will be on there. I will be eating the meringue. I think his problem with it was that it was soft meringue. You know, it was like Italian meringue rather than the hard meringue all the way through. Ay, ay, ay.

1:17:43Eggie meringue. Eggie meringue. Not a fan either. No, because you get that egg smell that you sometimes get in glasses that are not clean. Oh, yeah. That's very bad. I'm not eating that eggy meringue. Neither did he, so I think it's absolutely fine. Well done. Scrape it off, but we eat the caramel. Is it a caramelized, like when you have what's called creme caramel?

1:18:05James Acaster: Yeah, I think it was similar to that. Oh, that's good. I love that. It's caramelly or almost treacle tarty, I think maybe as well. Right. Yeah, I love that because, you know, creme caramel in the Philippines was called egg pudding. And my mother used to make it all the time. and I used to love it. That must be eggy though. No, because it's all steamed and then there's a burnt sugar caramel stuff. So I will eat three of those, no problem. And I will scrape off the eggy meringue. What was Cindy's dessert? Your dessert was the godfather from Bella Pasta. Of course it was. Of course it was the godfather from Bella Pasta.

1:18:38With the sparklers. Yeah. It's funny, a friend of mine from those years who I stopped speaking to for a decade, because she kind of went bananas. And, you know, I had young kids and I was like, I don't have bandwidth for this. You know, like you're crazy, man. And that's fine. I don't think people with kids have more rights. It's just that we have less energy. So she went, you know, she just went off and was crazy. And I can't talk about the specifics of the crazy because this podcast is very popular, but I'm talking cuckoo, like proper fucking bad choices in life deranged fucking behavior crazy okay yeah and i kind of peripherally kept kept so not in touch but knew off yeah yeah and then every once in a while you'd get a story and you'd be like holy this is pirate yeah has since then i wouldn't say turn their life around because i don't think they thought they were doing anything bad has since then stabilized somewhat and has had some acute health issues and that has helped them stabilize and have returned to the fold why are you i can't tell this story if you guys are laughing

1:19:54James Acaster: what's funny for me i don't know if it's same with i don't know is that you are um being so it's like you're being so diplomatic about it while saying the most insulting shit still so it's like still completely disrespectful it's just it's just come out of nowhere yes it's come out of nowhere but it's funny how it's it's still harsh but it's true trying to be as also i'm laughing because i know at some point it's going to have to come back around to the godfather it's coming it's coming it's coming it's coming and so this person has now sort of come back into my universe and i'm delighted yeah because my kids are older so i'm sleeping nights yeah so i have more bandwidth yeah and they're also less crazy yeah and i've also found out a way to be in touch with them without ever letting them visit me do you know what i mean just keep it at that you know like yeah you have to know that you get you get to an age where you have to know where you have to place people in your world some people cannot come to your house yeah you can wish them well you can chat to them you can send them memes but they cannot enter your home now so i'm glad that you've said i'm glad that you've now invited me to a christmas party because if you'd said that before you invite me to the Christmas party, I would have been really worried.

1:21:08James Acaster: Well, then the moustache is gone. You can come. Yeah, yeah. I'll make you shave the moustache in the bathroom before you come out. Otherwise, I have to introduce you as my friend, Pido Slickrick, or whatever your name is. And let me tell you, the so-called succession friends will really think you're brave. Yeah. I'm definitely turning up with a moustache to your Christmas party. Anyhood, the point of this friend is, they were so close to me in those days. They reminded me. And they have left the UK like a decade ago, two decades ago. They reminded me the other day. They said, remember when you would go alone?

1:21:46You would take money out of the ATM and go alone and sit in Bella Pasta and order that dessert with the fireworks on the top. And I was like, oh, yeah, I talked about it recently. They said, you know, it was just so weird. And I wanted to say, you don't talk to me about weird. Let me tell you about weird. I didn't say that. I said, yes, yes, yes, yes. But anyway, so it was kind of interesting because that really bonded. But that's interesting, isn't it? It bonded us so much. We might think people are crazy, but they think we're crazy too. Yeah, yeah, of course. But that's, I mean, everyone's reality is in their head.

1:22:19Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Oh, completely. But that was very, very good that they reminded me of that because it also is such a part of my youth. And they remember it and we kind of bonded over it.

1:22:30James Acaster: Whose menu do you think this is? it's a comedian yeah it's a comedian and it's a he first of all I have to think of comedians I'm trying to like also put names to faces like if I said if I said to you now just name a comedian it doesn't have to fit this like go name a comedian say a comedian's name Bridget Christie Bridget Christie you see but I know but they know each other was she married to him no but someone she was married to was in a double act with this person I know who this is this is Richard yes yeah Richard Herring I have such a bad mind for names you got it you got it I know I'd say you remembered it in the worst way you possibly could have you added about five H's to his name but like you got it it was either the way to go was either say Richard Herring or I can't remember his name but you went with Richard Herring I had that moment of panic that you have with a foreign language but I only had it because I'm terrible with names and said, this is the thing about me now and names.

1:23:32You have to, okay, if it's an Indian name, I won't forget it because Indian names have meanings. Right, okay. So, you know, and also I don't mind insulting you if you're Indian, actually. That's the other thing. I say, what is your name? Swati, Shruti, you know, and they say, you're fine. But what's happened to me with Western names, because I've had to keep so many, there's my kids, their friends, their friends' parents, you know, it's just been a lot of information over the years. I have to have a little piece of information that will help me stick. Yes. Right? So if you say, hello, I'm Mark.

1:23:58I say, okay. And then the next day I meet you, I'm like, oh. But if you say, hello, I'm Mark. And avocados make me cry. I will never forget your name. Because forever, obviously avocados don't make anyone cry. But you know, some little salient thing about you like that. Then you say, oh, Mark. Mark cries with avocados. I need that little bit of thing. So you must have been gutted when I shaved my moustache off then. No, you I know. No, no, this is all new. Like I can't take new.

1:24:28James Acaster: So when you tried to remember Richard Herring, was there anything there that you were able to lack on? I could see his face. I could see everything. I was blanking, but I knew Richard. So what do you think overall of that menu? I think that's a menu of someone who likes to make food sound interesting, but doesn't really care about food. You see, this is not a menu that, I mean, like you said, it's a dream menu. So no shade, but it's a little contrived. whereas I think real food and real interest in food doesn't have to be like that it's like I'm confused I'm like why can't you talk about really the food you love but you know what do they say horses for courses horses for courses yes something for him to reflect on I think yeah think about why he can't talk about the food he loves yeah or maybe yeah who knows I think he was going to say something there but then pushed it down thought better of it well we better go then Sindhu because it feels like I mean it feels like you've had a vodka if I've been honest yeah a little vodka tonic yeah yeah when you switch the mics off I'll tell you what I was going to say fantastic well let's switch them off now thank you so much Sindhu thank you thank you Sindhu

1:25:47well there we are lovely to see Sindhu again I don't think we annoyed her

1:25:50James Acaster: not as much as I'd like no but thanks for coming on anyway Sindhu it's lovely to chat to you lovely to see you and everyone should go and see Swanky which is on tour at the Apollo as well doing the event in Apollo of course big room go and see Sindhu sindhuv.com for tickets you know what else is there to say at this point my catchphrase I guess at gamble.co.uk I'm on tour as well fresher

1:26:23You