Stevie Martin

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1:53Hello and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the, I'm not sure, I think I might have done this one before James, but I'm going to do it anyway. Okay. The mint leaves of conversation.

2:02James Acaster: Oh, it's not ringing any bells. Muddling them in the glass with the muddler of humour. I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before. Adding the rum of content. Mmm, now it's sounding like a good time. Maybe soda water. How do you make a mojito? Uh, it's soda water. Soda water of internet. Mojito. it's a Mahit it's a podcast hito that is Ed Gamble he's a podcast hito kind of guy my name is James Acaster together we own a dream restaurant and we invite in every single week a guest we ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert cider shan drink not in that order and this week our guest is Stevie Martin Stevie Martin a wonderful comic wonderful online content as well James yes Stevie Martin does it all Stevie Martin does it all online offline what else is there midline midline Midline.

2:53She's very, very funny. Looking forward to speaking to Stevie. Also a brilliant podcaster. Part of the Plosive family. The Plosive family, of course.

3:01James Acaster: The Nobody Panic podcast. That she does with Tessa Coates. She's under the Plosive umbrella. She's under the wing of Benito. Yes, yes. I imagine Benito having wings more than an umbrella, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though in real life, he's more likely to be carrying an umbrella. But I imagine the great Benito, the character of the great Benito, to have wings. Have wings. and it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito. It is very safe. Warm and safe. Get under there, baby birds. Stevie Martin's new show, Clout, is on tour. He hates it. He absolutely hates it. He doesn't like that.

3:31Her new show, Clout, is on tour soon, so keep an eye out for that. And just go and follow Stevie on social media as well. She's very, very good.

3:41James Acaster: And Stevie is on Taskmaster, so that's very exciting. Very, very exciting. Because I'd say Stevie, out of a lot of people I know, is the sort of person who is always just slightly, like one second away from a very funny meltdown. Absolutely. There's a reason why it's called Nobody Panic Podcast. Yes. It's absolutely applying to the hosts. Yes. And Stevie will panic. I don't know what's happened on Taskmaster. No. I guarantee the listeners right now, if they watch it, they're going to see Stevie Martin panicking. Absolutely. Of course, if there's a secret ingredient, Stevie really will be panicking because we're kicking her out the dream restaurant.

4:15That is true. and we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time james um it's stevia stevia stevia suggested by the great bonito because stevie's name is stevie you pull that out of his wing yeah and if you if you add an uh it's stevia stevia is a like natural sweetener oh okay i

4:33James Acaster: didn't know what it was yes and that's quite good actually because that is you know people don't really like sweeteners so it works on every level i think it's natural i'm pretty sure it's natural yeah i don't you know i always need to check these things because i don't know if you notice about me james i like to say things about food with a huge confidence and quite often they're wrong and people get angry about it really yeah because i'm not like you know we said stevie martin rules the online i'm offline these days yes i have no idea so i still think you're right about everything yeah i know that people call you out correcting me all the time yeah and correctly you should correct me if i'm wrong but fair enough but but i'm walking around just regurgitating this shit and saying it to people and believing it.

5:11Yeah. I'm sorry man. I've got you in real trouble over the years.

5:14James Acaster: Yeah. I probably look like a right fool everywhere I go. Yeah, that's true. That's not my fault. Yeah, I heard that's natural. That's sweet. Yep. What the hell? Hey, Caster. Let me just mouth off again. But if Stevie says Stevia and that doesn't count her own name. No. If she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to kick her out. We're going to let that side. Yeah. If she says Stevia, she's gone. So, this is the Off Menu Menu of Stevie Martin.

5:45Welcome Stevie to the Dream Restaurant. Hello, I've got egg on me. Welcome Stevie Martin to the Dream Restaurant.

5:51James Acaster: We've been expecting you for some time. You said it's toothpaste or egg. It's toothpaste or egg, isn't it? Toothpaste or egg. Toothpaste or egg, Stevie Martin. Toothpaste or egg. Egg poppadons. Yeah, it's on my shorts, so I'm thinking... No, it's not. Is that on lapel? No, that's on lapel. Lapel's up there. I'm an idiot. for the listener. I'd imagine it's toothpaste given the positioning of it. Would you? Who brushes the teeth around the side? That's fairly low. Yeah, I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt around to the side. I think you've lent against something chalky. Yes. Yeah, or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap.

6:26That makes more sense. Yeah. Just to solve the mystery immediately. It also doesn't look like egg, I would say. It doesn't look like egg. Yes. Okay, fine. But welcome. Thank you. I love the restaurant. Thank you. what can you see in the restaurant what's going on so it's a very chill vibe because I don't I think there's a place for your kind of and that's fun too yeah but I know exactly what you mean no pipes what's the instrument what for the drums a recorder this song a recorder do you mean like a fancy restaurant with like classical music yeah like a string quartet maybe thank you Right there's none of that I'm thinking it's kind of like Regardless of the food I'm going to choose You know when you go to like a Mexican restaurant And you're like yeah I could hang here for ages And have some marguards and talk really loudly And there's like a chill relaxed But they're still going to like bring your cutlery Like you don't have to go and get your cutlery And like get your own water And then also do all your food and serve yourself Like you can still So it's like it just feels relaxed There's like a good colour scheme Bright I'll be honest what you described there to me apart from you saying it's chilled does not sound chilled in the slightest okay because you said it's really loud and you're shouting at each other no it's just that you can talk loudly but there's not very loud music so it doesn't escalate so it's just people and maybe there's like candlelight

7:49James Acaster: you said it was bright yeah I did say bright there's a lot of candles there's a lot of candles sort of like five per table it's quite dangerous it's quite dangerous I feel very relaxed but boiling okay yeah there's a window open and candles keep blowing out Boots Boots Boots Yeah Nice That's fine I can envision it There's a place in Soho called El Camion Okay Yeah yeah And it's not great But Actually no it is great It's not relaxed Is it good though? This will be a theme I'm not going to be able to come down hard on either option There's Boots and when you go in there you're just like yeah I could hang here rather than that like I've got an hour and a half slot and I simply must leave.

8:34And it's Instagrammable. You know, it's not Instagrammable. It's like a chill. I keep saying the word chill.

8:39James Acaster: You can say chill. Yeah. It's really chill. Yeah, you'd like a chill. I just want to be more chill. Booth. A chill boo. Yeah. So I understand that. You would like a chill boo to have your meal in. Yeah, with friends. What friends? Yeah. Oh, wow. Who's the guest list for the dream meal? The guest list of my dream meal. William Shakespeare, of course. Your friend? My friend. My friend. unfortunate name there was a guy in my school called Michael Jackson yeah yeah how was Michael Jackson as a person your friend I'm talking about he had some problems yeah yeah quite early on I don't think your mind was saying we didn't know each other I didn't speak to him because of his name obviously people won't be able to find him out this isn't a baby reindeer situation people google him they're just gonna yeah not a googleable name did he go by Mike no he went by like Michael he's like call me Michael he went by the king of pop yeah Michael the King of Pop yeah poor guy not his fault of course it is if you ask me to be called Michael yeah that's true the dream guest you've asked me for well I have to say Michael Jackson now but I don't want to okay great I absolutely don't have to say anything thank you actual friends they'd be I think a nice my friend Kyle really likes food and has many opinions on food yes he's quite good to have because we've heard all of them oh he's been on this podcast yes of course he has yeah he did tell me of course he has Didn't he bring tequila or something?

10:02No, we had whiskey here. It was an evening record and I think the record was about three hours long because we started drinking whiskey. Great. That might be happening today. I don't want to do that. I'm a very efficient woman. I'm in and out and I don't like whiskey. That's how I like to approach restaurants as well. Just to let you know. Just to let you know. I'm in and out. Despite saying my dream meal, you can hang for as long as possible and I don't like whiskey. Right. See, I've got to have more opinions. No. Kyle Kyle just me and Kyle my friend Lola because she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering again very chill and then William Shakespeare of course because I think he'd be very out of place yeah I think so I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024 yeah possibly actually although some people on Twitter still talk like you know my lady and all of that I don't know there's men how would William Shakespeare react that a lot of his language has been taken on by incels he'd say an uncle yeah no he'd love it maybe he's the original incel

11:04James Acaster: yeah I think he is to be fair Romeo and Juliet she's very young just something to think about is that an incel thing? I don't know no that's a pedo thing isn't it? and we're back to Michael Jackson oh for god's sake well allegedly which one we're talking about? just to be clear he wasn't my friend He was three years below me and I never spoke to him. Yeah. But you just knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacock because he wasn't in my year, but everyone called him Crispy. Yeah. Yeah. My grandma was called Chris Martin. What?

11:45I think I'll play. Yeah.

11:47James Acaster: Your grandma? Yeah. You know that your name's similar to a celebrity's as well? No. I'll leave you to Google it after. Martin Short. Google it after. Is he your meaning? Yeah, it is quite similar. So, yeah, that's mine. William Shakespeare, Kyle and Lola. Nice. I like to keep it short. Tessa not making the cut. Husband not making the cut. Oh, yeah. No, no. He's sort of a, like, foodist fuel. Oh, really? Really difficult. It annoys me when, because he's clearly in very good shape as well, and you're like, that's... Is he? I think he's in media, as in, like, he's naturally quite lean looking. He looks strong.

12:22But he's, yeah, I mean, he swims a lot. Does that mean he's in good shape? Stevie, I'm going to say, if someone says your husband's in good shape, you just go, yeah. Well, James did say, really? Yeah. So there were two sides you could have taken there and you very much went with James, I think. I did, I think. I just had to, yeah. He's in great shape, but his food is fuel. He takes the piss out of Huel quite a lot, but I think he would benefit quite a lot from that. Sometimes he is like... Food is Huel. Food is Huel. Food is Huel. It's quite upsetting, but sometimes, you know, when we're trying to make...

12:50It's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner because he'll be like, oh, anything. as you've seen I do need direction otherwise I will take everyone's opinion and then sort of get very hot does he mean that does he mean that when he says everything oh really occasionally I mean if I was like I don't know a cheese slice and an onion he'd be like well not that obviously but yeah he will sort of he calls it shovel it in food he'll just be like yeah I'll just have some shovel it in food like but what about taste texture table about taste Because when I have that chat with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat?

13:28And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat? And she'll say, oh, anything. And then we go on an hour-long conversation where I suggest things and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants. Yes, no, that is also... Tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room. I love it. Very happily married, just so you've got to cook a meal. Actually, really easy to cook a meal because I cook him anything.

13:46James Acaster: I was just saying Benito. It's got some squares in. Benito's in a civil partnership. Yeah. I'm technically in a civil partnership. Yeah, so is Stevie. Yeah. Doesn't count. I want to ask about your feedback. Yeah. Ed's a tweet. Oh, you got fully married? Yeah, fully married. Old school. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had a great time. Very tied up there. He sang hymns at his wedding. Was there a priest? Yes, there was a priest, a bishop. It was Bishop Tutu. Okay. No, it was just, as Charlie referred to her before we met her, as a goober from the council. and then it turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy feel bad when you meet them on the night making fun of you for weeks our ceremony was very short there was a 30 rock quote and then we finished flaming lips down the aisle oh that's good that's very cool very on brand she had an infection I was going to say about thrush and I was like don't say that but you did sometimes I mean there's not many guests that would actually just say that but I'd normally have to wait until after the episode and say to James I wanted to say that then yeah then I'd have a good laugh that's the benefit of being me I get all the extra stuff I benefit because I get all of Ed's humour after the shows I'm a lucky boy most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment you should do off menu the extra bite or the after party after dark second help you've already done that haven't you?

15:13James Acaster: yeah to be fair well it was just puddings it was called loads of people got annoyed at that they were saying it should be just desserts that's the point that's the fair enough guys Christ sometimes it's about the low hanging fruit isn't it and of course you're going on tour with Clout yes the show that you did at Edinburgh I did what can you tell the listeners Edinburgh went so well that I was just like I think I've got to go on tour I've never been on a tour before you've both done are they good should we like them depends each their own see how you feel about it well James hates touring right I think I'd be like that yeah you love it I do yeah I quite like it yeah I quite like it once I'm in the rhythm of it.

15:52Okay. But I do do a lot of just eating Nando's in dressing rooms in market towns. I'd quite like to do that. Yeah, yeah. I used to never really gig outside of London because I was just frightened of, I don't really know, travelling. And then I've done quite a few, before I done quite a few previews outside of London and would do like a bunch of them and travel around, often known as what a tour would be like. I found it quite fun. I think I'm quite good on my own. Yeah. I think I'm quite, do I have to make decisions based on what other people want to do? Simply just like, I'd like to eat that now and I'm not ashamed of it.

16:25I love crisp dinners with different flavours for the different courses. I did, I had truffle crisps. Something that I've got really into this year. I never really, honestly, I don't think I'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year. Well, that's a huge revelation. Yeah, I've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself. They're always around. Not always. They're always around. But like, I'd take someone else's or I'd be like oh a lovely bowl of crisps or at a buffet for example or a party but I'd have tortilla chips loads but not actual like flavoured crisps and this year I've really got into them so this is your thing this year it's my thing yeah it was a ready salted prawn cocktail for starters ready salted for your main and then and then whatever like a different shape for dessert yeah hula hoops so that's your crisps dinner that you have on tour I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main.

17:18I love it. Prawn cocktail as a starter, beautiful thing. Yeah, because it's like prawns. Yeah. The little things from the 70s.

17:23James Acaster: It's like prawn cocktail. It's like the starter prawn cocktail. God. It's named after. What the... Okay, yeah, sure. Very salted, palate cleanser and you can eat it without getting bored. Really? I get bored immediately. Okay, but you're like, oh, obviously very salted as a side dish like a bowl of chips. See, I would have chips as a main and do quite regularly but I'm not a bland person. It's just, it's all about the dip. I would get dips as well. So you'd get like hummus. That's it. Hummus. I couldn't find a lot of good dip. Salsa if I could. But prawn cocktail and salsa is pretty bad. I think you're going to have a great tour.

18:03Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have a heart attack within about four days. And some sort of salt, sodium imbalance. Massive vitamin deficiency. Cute scurvy. Yeah, yeah. That I'll get like I'm a sailor. Which is the true tour.

18:20James Acaster: We always start with still-loss sparkling water, Stevie. What would you like? I like... I've only recently got into sparkling. Same time as the crisps? My God, yes. Yeah, wow. You're having quite the year. I'm having a massive gastronomical year. And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water. It's still got that aftertaste. so I'd quite like I suppose flat sparkling water has been there for a while so it's not so like edgy right quite spiky that's kind of mad isn't it that when it goes flat it doesn't taste like normal water like what are they putting in there whatever they use to carbonate it is still floating around in there dead yeah it's like the out breath of the gas CO2 carbon dioxide just floating around in water that's what you want that's what I want I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode for someone's menu no one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet and this is the first time have you had I really don't like it I don't like the flat the flat fizzy water I don't mind it okay great I actually prefer there's some still sparkling waters that are less carbonated that are a bit softer let's try it after yeah because I want a list of those Badoir Badoir Badoir Badoir not Bacquar because that's short for backwash probably isn't it I thought that I thought that Badoir Badoir okay I'll have that then yeah yeah less gas you want that less gas no no no you're getting your flat sparkling water that's what you're getting for your dream meal yeah I do want that yeah that's what you're having thank you and also that means as well that people around the table who are with me William Shakespeare or whatever oh my god sparkling water would blow his mind it would it would then allow everyone else to partake yeah because they wouldn't the water would be slightly off but they wouldn't quite know why it tastes like gone off water yeah that's what it is you know when a hummus goes quite lemony yeah I still will but like and you want that gone off water yeah I haven't asked me about my side dish yet but it will be gone off hummus it's quite nice when it's lemon sometimes I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off but hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off I think it's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on that's so true yes so sparkling dips do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat because I do like it when like you know colas go flat and stuff like that I like that I like that as well I used to work in a bar and when the thing would be off and everyone would be like oh the syrup it's just syrup that'd be my drink just the syrup just the syrup with red wine that was very quick yeah it's called a Calamacho it's fizzy for a Calamacho yeah it's not the syrup Calamacho is half and half yeah coke and red wine yeah so I just do that with a little bit less syrup you're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso yeah but you're doing it with the coke it's like an espresso wine-tini you heard it here first an espresso wine-tini it's got nothing to do with espresso the wine's in there that's fine I used to drink at uni Bailey's and Coke mix it up tastes like cake mix looks like vomit yeah it doesn't Bailey's curdle oh terribly so there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs that look like I've been sick in my own glass you were ordering that at clubs yeah yeah yeah it would be actually only clubs because in bars like people would have opinions whereas in clubs it's like next one next one they'd be like what oh yeah okay fine and they wouldn't have a judgement so you can't have all do anything and after the first time you did it they knew exactly what you were going to do yeah would you like that again here she fucking comes yeah I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now about you seeing these these things constantly it's like I'm alright I just need to survive thank you yeah I think there's I have a lot of combination there's been he did ask me if I could stop eating um so i used to have like not all the time but occasionally like kidney beans in a can drain them and then just put mayonnaise in pop it up eat that in a fork and he was like can you stop just cat please can you stop or eat it in another room so we were in like a studio flat for a while so that i couldn't eat that and then then we've moved into a slight like a two bed so then i'm able to take it to a bedroom you've got your being the mayonnaise room yeah yeah it's i think that only happens like twice a year.

22:40Yeah. And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose. I'd say in terms of hangover food, kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst. That would make me feel, that would not be even sicker. The thoughts of it would make you feel sick. The actual reality of it, like with most things, is much better than you think. As long as you don't get a bit of water in the, you know, like the water that it's in, that makes me feel a bit sick.

23:03James Acaster: Poplobs or bread? Poplobs or bread, Stevie Martin? Poplobs or bread? Bread. Bread. French brangette in a basket with a little gingham serviette. The listener won't have seen the mime, but you just sliced it. I just sliced it and then I put it in a basket and popped the little napkin. I like a little bit of decoration. Where are you putting the napkin? Underneath the bread. So I can't get to it. Yeah, because every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes, you've put the bread in the basket and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread. Yeah, that's how it's... Like a reverse tablecloth, you know, being pulled out from underneath something.

23:37James Acaster: Yeah. You kind of somehow get in the napkin and remove the bread that's already in the bottle. Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top? No. No. No, that's part of the art. And then also pop a napkin on top, just stop the flies. Okay, it's a dream restaurant. Stop the flight, where are you? Oh, I'm in a, yeah, I'm in a, it's a dream restaurant, but it is next to a sewage plant. I couldn't, I couldn't control the geography of the dream restaurant, sadly. Is this warm? The bread, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But not too warm that you're like, it's just like it's the butter melts it I think that's that's classic isn't it like that's you simply must have that yeah well where is it coming from is it coming from a bakery is it just coming from the package I don't want to know where anything has come from I have just no interest in where anything has come from I just want it to be here like I'm in it like I'm the wizard it's a magical place yes or a genie or a genie yeah for example I don't I don't like yeah I don't need to know farm to fork you know i mean i am a vegan so that's i don't know what's happening on the farm but like i don't need to know any of that stuff you can just be i think cheap white bread is what i want in a restaurant rather than a sort of like you know when it arrives it's like whole meal you know i'm not interested in that you just want out and about like i want baguette yeah i think that's fair enough this butter yeah talk me through the butter vegan of course yeah so i was gonna i was toying with the idea of just being like well rather than be vegan just have what you would like and then just have a great time.

25:06I'm allergic to dairy, that's why. And I would have like a right time with it the next day or during the meal. But this is a fantasy land, but I still couldn't. And there's some really good vegan butter. You've got to salt it. You've got to salt it. Otherwise it just tastes like margarine from the 70s. It's a real issue. So I'd want it melted. Pats, little pats, obviously napkin underneath. And on a little tiny plate like this.

25:32James Acaster: Yeah. Do you have a brand? because like flora buttery flora buttery yeah it's really good accidentally vegan so that is margarine that's probably margarine it probably is isn't it it's a real shame what's that UPF ultra processed food I don't know it's apparently very bad for you there's a book out called like don't eat that yeah I've seen that book yeah yeah I've seen that book don't eat that and it was all like vegan stuff is really bad for you yeah unless it's like tofu so it's a real shame it's a shame actually it's horrible for the vegans to find out so imagine you know a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans yeah they're thinking about what they're eating but they also probably think i'm on safe ground here yeah we know that we're we've gone the better route than all these other people and then they are oh for fuck's sake yeah i've already got my options limited and now i can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra processed turns out there's just no way of staying alive turns out yeah there literally isn't the vegan cheese like what is vegan cheese made like it's made of nuts or coconut like how is it doing that save your show material for the tour because you don't want to waste it on this podcast you're right you're right okay you don't want to waste it on the pod don't be dropping in there how do you milk an almond gear that is my thing I'll come back to you time and time again

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28:28James Acaster: Let's get into your meal proper, Steve. Your dream starter. Is there a napkin involved? It's just a napkin. I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to... I do want more food at this point. The problem I have with starters is that it's lose-lose because it's either like... He loves starters. I know, but it's either I love it and then it's too small. So I'm like, well, now it's over. Or I don't like it and it's detracted my appetite. from the main boy. Interesting. And also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal, I find incredibly stressful and doesn't need... So actually, I just sort of would want some more bread.

29:08Yeah. Maybe with oil and balsamic this time. Oh, you're mixing it up. It's to the baguette. I don't think so. I don't think so. I think olive bread. Yeah. And then just like other stuff in the bread. Like what's other stuff that goes in bread? Tomato bread. Yeah. Olive oil bread. That's focaccia. Focaccia, yeah. Nuts. Nut. I was going to say nuts walnuts I'll have a walnut bread garlic rosemary oh fucking hell that's great we can just bring you for your starter a whole bread platter with all of those breads I would like that yeah in many baskets and then it's like tear and share you know everyone's like oh forget god no one's going to be

29:44James Acaster: sharing that with you because they've already had bread they would probably like a starter they're having a starter yeah it's quite a lot of bread isn't it but I'm not I do I'm really into bread and I just and I don't think it would fill me up enough for the main. It means that there's still like a good warm up for the main. Interesting, isn't it? Because I'd say a lot of our guests have brought up the main problem they have with the bread basket before the meal is it fills them up. You've said, I'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up after the bread basket I've had. Yeah. I see what you're saying and I agree with it, but I'm talking sort of like a taste journey.

30:22So my taste buds won't have blown out. by the starter. They wouldn't have tied out. They wouldn't have tied out. And I won't be like longing for the starter that's just gone and being like, well, I want more of that for my main. Can I change it to a main? You can't. Like, I don't have to think about it. I just know that the main is going to be the main event. But that is a lot of bread. But I mean, on this, if we're talking about like a bread platter with all these different breads, you could put other things with it. Dips. Different dips. All right, yeah. We're back at dip town now, aren't we?

30:51Well, I think most of my choices are going to be dips. I'm really I think dips is my sort of favourite food yeah I love I can't I hate I hate dry meals do you know like when you're like it needs a bit more juice going on so that dips I'm safe I just have dips with a spoon that would be nice do you do that we eat oh hummus with a spoon yeah that's a thing isn't it yeah hummus with a spoon a bit of olive oil on it I live with an ischema yeah oh yeah he used to eat it like a yoghurt yeah right that's what I do

31:22James Acaster: yeah sometimes a little bit of whole chickpeas on if you feel about it. I still visit him sometimes and there's like a completely, what I think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned and then I realise it's not completely cleaned upon closer inspection. But it is still a little bit dirty but someone has completely like eaten all the hummus out and I realise it's hummus. Yeah. It once contained hummus and that he's done it again. He's wiped it. He's done it again. It's just an excellent meal and it is a complete meal.

31:58James Acaster: What is your main course? My main course, nachos. Okay. We've already had a shout out for tortilla chips. Yeah. Do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently, there are going to be some people, I'm not one of them, getting very frustrated with this menu. Why? They're going to think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu. She's a comedian. She's just trying to be funny. we know you're not we know you I don't think that's funny we know you I could come up with something way funnier if I was actually also we haven't heard about the nachos yet we haven't heard any details there are going to be some people listening to this who are going to be no way this is a dream two bread courses and then nachos it's flat water flat fizzy water yeah two bread courses and now nachos they're going to be screaming at their phones okay okay so address just address them I'm going to address it I understand that I'm going to address it so because I find that in restaurants nobody does it properly and it really gets me I don't think I've ever been to El Camion does a good job actually I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant where there's the right sauce to sort of bald tortilla chip ratio you're either left with like or you're like given loads of little pots of stuff to put on and it's like a thimble or one of those little paper those paper things yeah or there's like I went to one the weekend I had kimchi and hummus it was like are you high?

33:23like that's not that's not nacho that's just I bet you really enjoyed that though no I hate I love hummus but I wasn't I didn't want that in that moment like I wanted you know and I hate like I say I hate dry food and nachos can be really dry and there's never enough cheese and I make excellent nachos it's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come round for dinner I've only had two dinner parties one was a takeaway just got everyone to order a takeaway and I paid for it and then the other one was nachos and just all those huge trays and it's like you've got to get like it's almost like chili con carne but poured over and then you do like four layers grill it don't microwave it otherwise the cheese gets like adhesive gluey more cheese than you want jalapenos sour cream guac on the side so that people can get their own ratio right but you're it's like huge salad bowls of stuff not like this tiny

34:12James Acaster: it's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs I worked at except we didn't put the guac and sour cream on the side we just don't on the top but everything else what pub did you like the star I'm in Geddington. Oh, no, I've never been there. Nachos, that beef chilli stuff. Layered that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it. There's nothing better. Grilling it, not microwaving, but then we got the sauce on the top. That's fine. But jalapenos. That's fine if there's enough, right? If there's enough, yeah, that's fine. When you're talking about the bold tortilla chips. The bold cho's, yeah.

34:42Yeah. So how many of those should there be, if any? Every single, I'll refer to it as a cho, should have the right ratio of your hot sauce, your sort of chili con carne sauce. You should have like a tiny little bit of guac, a tiny bit of sour cream covered in cheese and salsa. Every single one. Every single one. No bold ones. No bold ones. You should be able to distribute that. The sauce distribution should be even throughout. Even if it's not, you can like mix stuff around. Yeah.

35:11James Acaster: And you're eating this with a fork. I think there should be enough spatial awareness of you and also enough room on the chip to be able to dip. I think you should be able to dip. But you can maybe have a fork if you must revert to that. But that just means that you've eaten it wrong, I think. Aren't they getting a bit soggy with all the juice on the carne? Yeah, well, let's talk about the sog because surely the bottom layer is going to be soggy as all that. Not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices, Fridge. It shouldn't be sat in its own juices. You should be making it to order.

35:40James Acaster: What is your technique to get this right? Because this, I mean, people have been listening to this going, if I try to do this at home, it's going to sog up. I'm not going to get it so that every chip has got enough stuff on it and a little gripping point on the chip where I can pick it up. There's always a gripping point. But how are you doing this? Because people this could change people's lives. I understand. If you're pulling this off at home and I am regularly and you're not even using a fork you're able to dip these after they've been in the chili con carne this is incredible. Yeah. It's all about the reduction of the chili con carne.

36:11You've got to reduce that so it's like it's not got any liquid bubbling around. it's almost dry but it's not so you're basically cooking the chilli con carne longer than you think and then when it goes into the grill you're talking like five minutes that's not enough for it to to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce like it's still retaining stability it's still got a core and because you're doing layers it's not it's not like all of them in the middle are all like they're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce like you've got your chips and there's a lot kind of go and also like as well you don't put on as much sauce as you think as well because you've got to think and obviously don't put your guac in your sour cream before you put it in the grill that's mad you just do the chili con carne the cheese sounds like you've done you've done that before yeah oh my god yeah and then you've made a stew you've made like a lasagna yeah and also what's nice as well is when you add the colder dips that cools everything down a little bit so

37:08James Acaster: you're not like yeah and do you want to for the fellow vegans listening recommend what to use for the chili yeah so talk us through because obviously your dream nachos yeah are going to be vegan nachos they are going to be vegan because i've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere right so they have to be yeah it's like i quite like this one there's a there's a there's a mince called moving mountains i think which is really nice because it doesn't have a corn's got weird corn's got quite a spark flat sparkling water flavor to it it's got a bit of like what's going on here and i don't want that in my nachos so moving mountains is really nice also you want like just a simple cheese like violife cheddar or something just something that's just like not got any aftertaste never get never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like play-doh they've got the consistency of play-doh and they taste like play-doh and like a horrible kind of like underneath it i'm gonna eat it like that noise but uh taste yeah yeah yeah that noise but of checks out that's fine guacamole my mum makes amazing guacamole and so the recipe is like we just mash it's not you know oh god you know in like in restaurants and the guacamole is like chopped it's like chopped and chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever coriander and that's it and you're like no so we mash it up you mash up the avocado with onion a little bit of mayonnaise more vegan mayonnaise lemon juice and then shit loads of garlic like so much garlic and then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot just the pot of salsa that you've got hanging around Old El Paso is fine and then you mix it all up and it's just delicious that's a wild guacamole recipe yeah that's wild during the Edinburgh Festival everyone always talks about going to the old is it the old who's they're massive and there's vegan ones oh are there yeah Benito lost his mind when I just said that it's so good that's got to be like a week four thing otherwise you can't I'm going to recover from it.

39:10Yeah, that's just excellent. That's actually, yeah, you're right. That's the only place I've been where I've been like, that is what I expect. Right. I've been served what I expect. Thank you. So maybe those, but in the dream restaurant, but with so much bread, I regret it. The bread, I can't tell you how much I regret the bread. It's too late now. Because the answer is simply, I don't want to start it, but I wanted to, I had to say something. Oh. I mean, I would say a classic starter is nachos. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Shit.

39:36James Acaster: Especially if you're with friends. you can share them yay god okay that's just enough bread for my main course Christ yeah okay that's that thank you because I was wondering why I couldn't think of a starter and it's because I only like big starters as my main yeah yeah yeah

39:59James Acaster: your drink side dish Stevie oh god

40:05is it our old friend bread again no it's gotta be no it would have to be something that complimented it so you're looking for something fresh you're looking for something but not boring Padron Peppers nice that's good isn't it that came to you like a bolt from the blue it did yeah I'd have a starter

40:20James Acaster: to be fair Padron Peppers usually classically a starter is it yeah I'd say yeah starter or it's just tapas dish isn't it what's a side dish no you can have Padron Peppers as a side dish of course I can but say I just throw this to you what would you have as a side dish for nachos if I was getting nachos as a main the thing is then I'm thinking you are thinking in the realm of Padron Peppers because you're thinking I've basically got a starter for a main so then you're like I'm doing bits I'm doing bits I'm going to get some chicken strips jalapeno poppers that's good okay I want to change my answer yeah yeah a bit of like breaded sort of you know deep fried yeah that's great you've got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos again I've been foiled by and it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle I don't know how you feel about that sometimes it can be okay the Philadelphia vegan is actually okay I mean it's just the texture's the same and it's quite cold tasting so yeah I thought Padron Peppers was a good shout no it was more just like I don't actually think when push comes to shove I know what a side dish is broccoli yeah but you could have that is actually yeah I mean any type of veg yeah loads of vegetables alright I do quite like that tender stem broccoli I thought you were going to say chips because you said how much you love them at the start.

41:38James Acaster: I know. But I thought that does sound like I'm just... Nachos and chips is insane. That is insane. After two loads of bread. Yeah, which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it is quite on brand because I do get excited about the bread and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad. Like a salad or something? Kidney beans and mayonnaise. Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side. How about that on the side? There's probably kidney beans in the nachos as well. I have been known to put some grated cheese in that. another thing just some rice and soy sauce that's okay though isn't it just rice and soy sauce is okay it's a snack that's not gross you eat that sometimes yeah yeah you don't want that as your side dish it's not gross it's odd that's a snack is it odd because I think I would say that's quite straightforward they go together yeah they go together yeah it's just like I can't be bothered to make you know a stir fry so I'll just get the components rice and soy sauce yeah yeah okay all the components of a stir fry components of a stir fry very carby isn't it okay no I will stick with I'll go Padron pepper poppers oh nice there we go don't think it's ever been done before surely not so cream cheese in the Padron peppers and bread crumb all around yeah yeah Padron pepper poppers Padron pepper poppers so you've never had that before obviously so you've just invented it well no one has I don't think it's a thing someone must have made that people have made weirder things you think people have stuffed a Padron pepper before yeah Peter Piper Peter Piper did it it's very good thank you that's what the restaurant's called invite him to your meal do you think Peter Piper would get on he's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers isn't he can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers everywhere I fucking go these better not be pickled oh pickled paddle peppers Shakespeare just like steadily pushing the plate to one side into the bin what's the medieval version of nachos mutton what's the medieval version of nachos I don't know potatoes and mutton yeah potatoes and mutton I think yeah

43:47James Acaster: your dream drink Stevie Martin okay I've recently found what my drink is of like what I could order in a bar and be like yeah that is what I want to drink I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry. So very, like, very little vermouth. So little that you can't really taste it. And really dirty with loads of olive brine in it. And that won't go with nachos. But I've got the sparkling water to, I suppose. So yeah, that's, I think that's my favourite. I can't have the lemon martini. And also, lots of people are really rude to you when you order that. Really? And so I went to a meeting in Soho House and I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini.

44:32specifically and she went you can't have it extra dry and extra dirty and I was like but I can why and she went that's not how you have them and I was like okay and then I was like well I think you can because I've had them in other places and then they came back and she'd done it so full of vermouth it was like a little glass of vermouth it was like okay

44:48James Acaster: I fucking hate those places yeah it was like 25 pounds yeah so like come on man why would you why would you do that every member's probably fucking fuck himself absolutely hate it thank you telling you how you have your martini it's not how it's done and passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for even though it's like more expensive than anywhere else and you probably had to someone had to pay a membership to get there they would at least sign you in but maybe you're a member of their I'm not what I should do is I should go to the house and order a pint of wine with some coke syrup in it yeah do that and then just stare at her unblinkingly the Calamacho please Calamacho please yeah you had those martinis at your wedding party the Stevie Martini the Stevie Martini of course come on I made little posters yeah I had loads of them telling people the problem is with martinis because I take big sips oh they are everyone was very drunk so I was like and then I was queuing for the bar I got my Stevie Martini and by the time I'd walked away from the bar I'd drunk it yeah so then I had to go again and get two at a time yeah they also didn't really know what to do to make I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives and then they had to go to Tesco's halfway through to get more.

46:01That's good.

46:02James Acaster: That sounded a good party. Yeah, I think I might have that or a Calamacho just to balance it out because I've obviously really gone hard on that. We've let people have multiple drinks on this. So if you want a Calamacho at some point. Yeah, I think I'll start with a Calamacho and then go into the vodka martini later. Do you genuinely like Calamachos? Is this something you do? I do. Not syrup, but like Diet Coke and red wine. I haven't had it in a long time, but I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh my God, and then ordered the bar and they were like, we don't do wine anymore and I was like, oh, this is a disaster.

46:33But I actually did, I went to all bar one and had some there. And yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it when you order it. They don't like it. Well, it's just not a thing here I don't think really, It's not a thing. I'm very Spanish. It's very, it's too, I'm too, I'm a very Spanish woman. You're too Spanish. I've often said this about you, Stevie. It's a student battle within me. But there's a restaurant around the corner from where I now live that actually has can of mojo on the menu and it says it is a thing underneath it's just nice and it's nice but yeah it's like it's a bit like Dr Pepper I think

47:04James Acaster: I had it in the Basque Country for Travelman so the first time I ever had a can of mojo was on camera a lot of pressure and I came back and told my nephews about it they got very excited and wanted to make it at a barbecue and they asked me can you film us for Joe Lycett please so he can see us so they did it and they were very you know like primary school kids but very professional all of a sudden in front of the camera they did the whole making it thing and then I remember when they made it they went and now to taste before they had it like bartenders yeah yeah it was good I had it when I did a Spanish exchange trip when I was 15 or 16 yeah yeah my Spanish exchange Jesus showed me how to make it oh wow yeah did you get on you and Jesus yeah we got on big time that's good yeah he was a metalhead when he came to stay in England he walked up we went to pick him up from the school and he walked up to my mum and said, hello, I am Jesus.

47:59And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus.

48:05Excellent. I like him. Calamacho, of course. That's quite young to start on the Calamachos. Yeah. A gateway to wine, I suppose. Yeah, that's how I really got into wine was via Calamacho. Jesus,

48:17James Acaster: are you noticing there's some like, are you getting some like fruity other tastes? This one is very Coke. Caramelly. Very Coke knows. I think that's great. That's my favourite part of your menu so far. Yes, because the other one was just bread. Everything else has been... I like bread. I'm into it. It's bonkers, but like this is... I'd still eat it all. Your whole menu, I'd eat it. Okay, sure. But this is... I want that now. Okay. That drink. Great. You can at any point. But Eto won't let us. Okay. Wow.

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50:30James Acaster: Your dream dessert, Stevie. Right. When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing, I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that. But I'm actually not going to go for that.

50:44Because I think, so recently I had like a really good, we were on a package holiday type thing and we were in the cantini bit where you're just getting yourself and they had vegan apple pie or like vegan friendly apple pie with custard that you could have. It was also weirdly on the same night that we were convinced that Neil Morrissey was there as well. What a night! And then we had to look up where he was and he was like doing a West End show and we were like, oh, but he's got me. And then we saw him there and we were like, he couldn't look less like Neil Morrissey. It's just a weird thing to just see Neil Morrissey very specific so I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie while I'm like looking at Neil not Neil it wasn't Neil it wasn't Neil sorry it might be Neil but it wasn't for me to say yeah really like old style like deep dish chunky apple sweet but not you've got a bit of sour notes coming through and take the time to buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice and no one ever no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert they're like that's surely enough you're like oh did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady yeah is what I said please for the lady and it's quite like it's often sorbet it doesn't go you've only got sorbet like I'll put in fucking mango sorbet on an apple pie like that's fucking awful no yeah

52:03James Acaster: I mean that sounds very nice thank you piping hot lukewarm I think I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately and you're like and the custard cold is that fine yeah yes okay yeah cold's fine that's what I'd do cold custard with hot apple pie yeah the best combo of course then you yeah you don't want hot on hot no some people do some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on hot apple pie that's just so much heat yeah for your dessert as well that's not good they're wrong they're wrong they are I think they are wrong they're not very bored minded people yeah I understand that's fine and then some bread on it or something I don't know and then a napkin how do you feel about the overall beigeness of your menus yeah i'm quite horrified about because i think what what this is doing is it's and quite right understandably presenting me as this person who like just has like the palate of a child but it's really not true it's just that i it was either that or like a roast dinner and i just thought like and but i can i can make a like i've had so nice vegan roast dinners out you can get rid of I just have never had the nachos it's very unhealthy but also you could have had the nachos as your starter and then done the roast dinner that wouldn't have gone with imagine ordering nachos as a starter and then having a roast I just don't think that compliments it I think that's nice right god it really opened my mind I'm not sorry I've never been to a restaurant before I think that would be nice that would be nice you have been to a restaurant El Camillon yeah you have repeatedly every week because I think that actually I have had starters and they've been like bruschetta but that is just bread as well with tomato that's actually Italian nachos you've got your base and you've got your tomato yeah but at least if you'd said bruschetta then we wouldn't have been like you've got bread again that would be bread again because it looks like bread with a skirt on or what that is I can't say a hat but I'm sorry how you do you put it underneath you put the tomato underneath your bread yeah put it round it the yeah it's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know, though.

54:13I don't have that sort of diet. Okay. But you wish you did. Maybe it's when I go out and I'm like, well, in my worst restaurants, I basically don't have any choice. So I end up having a sort of stuffed pepper that's got couscous in it with some vegetables. And that's fine. No matter where I am, that's fine. Or there's a fucking burger. Everyone has a burger and chips. and actually really nice but I'm quite fed up of just having that and also I'm quite the sadness in other people's eyes when they see there's not enough vegan options it's like I've I like affect the the vibe of the hang and so I suppose this is sort of like well hang on I can actually just eat like a pig like a little piggy when I'm out and just have like you know all the bread all the hearty ridiculous stuff that I don't ever get to have so really go for it but I will be knocked out like you're not going out after this or having after drinks.

55:09Like, I'm asleep. That's what, the booth will come in really handy. This is true. I can just slide down. Yeah, slide down. Oh yeah, no, I was thinking slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table, but that's not booth specific. That's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy. No, you could do that off a chair. Yeah, you could do that off any table. Do that now.

55:26James Acaster: The floor will be handy. So you've got your mate, you've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there. You don't want to be like under the table. I think he'd be okay with it. He's quite a chill guy. We went to have my first ever pie and mash the other day at a pie and mash place then with because Carol had never had pie and mash before and we went to like a place and so but then everyone got very angry because apparently it wasn't a specific pie and mash place but it was really nice that would have been another one actually gravy, pie and mash because that doesn't feel very vegan things that don't feel vegan I'm very interested in like an apple pie you don't think of as vegan bread you do basically I just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot because I you know I'm a I'm a varied woman but it hasn't come through well let's see I'll read your menu back to you now and you can see how you feel about it I don't like it flat sparks in water I don't want it I sound mad as we go through I try to be truthful I'm specific like I'm not going to go for the joke and then halfway through you're like you sound like you're making me stop okay go on but each one I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it okay thank you yeah you want a french baguette with salted vegan butter and a gingham serviette.

56:38That's absolutely fine. I back that.

56:40James Acaster: Start a bread platter with olive oil and balsamic and dips. No, I think I'd swap that for like a cheese board, a vegan cheese board. Okay. Yeah, sure. Something for a vegan cheese board. A vegan cheese board. Yeah, with like crackers so it's less bread. Okay. Main course, nachos. I want to change it to a roast dinner. Okay. The nachos was the centrepiece of this whole episode. I know, I know. Okay, I'll stick with them nachos and then for starter tiny roast dinner okay so changing the starter again now tiny roast dinner completely so yeah very very short amount of time side dish padron pepper poppers that does sound delicious when you said it back to me I was like yes please I'd like some of them yeah drink a stevie martini great that's the only thing and a cala macho earlier in the meal yes at some point there's a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard yes yes like that yeah So basically, yeah, the starter is the main thing that you kind of was obsessed about.

57:41James Acaster: But now you're having a tiny roast dinner. Now I'm having a tiny roast dinner. Yes. So like, you know, like when you want like a little, like a doll's house. All in the Yorkshire pudding. The Yorkshire pudding full of... You can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans. Oh, okay. Because they've got like milk in them. And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat like a drinks coaster. They look like that. They're awful. So I wouldn't even be bothering with that. It would be all about the... It'd be the gravy that's the thing. So as long as it's not a jus. I hate it when they're like, when it's, oh, here's your roast.

58:10It's a butternut squash with a jus on it. I can't do that. It has to be a meat substitute. Yeah. Bisto gravy. Yeah, okay. Yeah, roast. How tiny are we talking? Because your issue with starters initially was, it's something you like, but it's too small, so it's gone. Yeah.

58:28James Acaster: And you could have just said to us, I want a full roast dinner for my starter because it's your dream menu. We'd let you know. it doesn't have to be tiny I've been scuppered by the rules that you've invented that I've invented that no one said anything about full roast dinner then yeah thank you full size roast dinner and then oh my god that's amazing thank you and then I've got the nachos to look forward to and then I'm not stopping there because I was in topping it off with a pie oh my god and you've got the pedron pedron pepper it's quite a range our bistro before we wrap it up our bistro if bistro are listening Stevie does voiceover work there you go not for Bisto though thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant Stevie I think I messed that up so badly but thank you for having me

59:19well there we are James the wonderful Stevie Martin she fell apart she fell apart as I predicted in the intro I think yeah she fell apart probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second

59:30James Acaster: yeah really a lot of self-doubt and I imagine all the way home that's going to be going around in their head. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And that's what we like to get into our guests' heads and maybe ruin their week. Well, if there's any consolation to Stevie, you didn't choose Stevia. You didn't choose the secret ingredient. So it went better than you think it did maybe. Yeah. But it would have gone worse. From self-doubt to clout, Stevie is on tour now with her show Clout. So go and investigate the dates for that. Yes. It's going to be fantastic. You should absolutely hurry along. Hurry along. and we will hurry along and go and make a new episode for you next week.

1:00:05James Acaster: Yeah. Joe, what? You got yourself a deal. See you next week. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

1:00:24While every other channel is fighting for your customers' attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.