Tessa Coates

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1:59Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the oyster shucker of conversation. Cramming it into the oyster shell of humour. Cracking open that bad boy pod. And enjoying all the juicy oyster chat on the inside of it. Oysters. That is Ed Gamble. My name is Jake Zaycaster. I should have done all the bits you can add. Together we own a dream restaurant every single week. we invite the guest us from their favourite ever star and main course dessert cider shan drink not in that order and this week our guest is Tessa Coates Tessa Coates a wonderful comic James a wonderful writer a wonderful performer so many things Director Director oh my god this is like Tessa's done everything we first she's got so many hyphens reading CVs like reading bloody Morse code so many dashes brilliant comic brilliant comic actor yeah Tessa's show Ride or Die is on Amazon Prime now.

2:56Tessa's the showrunner. She created it. Hannah Waddenham is in it. Octavia Spencer is in it. Very excited to see this from Tessa. Me too. She's fantastic. And she's come into the dream restaurant to give us her dream menu. But we will kick her out if she picks the secret ingredient. And this week the secret ingredient is... Yogurt coated raisins. Coats. Coated. Yeah. I like yogurt coated raisins. I like them. My mum used to buy them from Daily Bread, which was a Christian shop. We had them as kids. Yogurt-coated raisins, body of Christ. Well, a certain part of his body. It's what we're told in Sunday school.

3:31Every different food is a different part of Christ. Yeah. Every different food you can imagine is a different part of Christ. Remember that. Remember that, kids. In remembrance of him. Yes. This is the Off Menu Menu of Tessa Coates.

3:54How does my hair look? That's my first question. Okay, fantastic. That's on tape. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've brushed it specially. Yeah. Have we begun? Yes. Okay, I'm ready. I normally do a bit now, but we're going to start with you saying how does my hair look. Okay, okay. But I'll do my bit now. You do be honest. I'll be silent. Welcome, Tessa, to the dream restaurant. Welcome, Tessa Coates, to the dream restaurant. Please spend your time. Thank you. It is so much more exciting than I thought it would be to see you do that to my face. I've heard it so many times. How exciting did you think it was going to be?

4:24Sort of 50 % of that. Yeah. Yeah, and it was way nicer. That's pretty cool. And also, if I may share another truth. Please. I thought you did that bit where you talked about me while I sat here silently. No, that would be weird, I think. Well, I always think, wow, people are really keeping it together by being silent. Everyone ever has kept it together. Has really kept their shit together. I better be quiet. Yeah. But it turns out we're straight in. We'll do that. We do that before slash after you leave. Behind your back. Oh, perfect. behind your back because of course there's a secret ingredient as well we don't want you to hear the secret ingredient is this one of your questions you wanted to ask yeah I was like wow they just hear it so of course they're not going to say yeah yeah yeah yeah understood yeah a lot of the behind the scenes of the restaurant becoming clear thank you the live episodes are where that's difficult because we have to source the secret ingredient from the audience and we really have to just get the guests to promise they're not going to listen backstage during that section yeah and then sometimes they just come on and go yeah I listen I know what it is Yeah, I'd say a lot, but then a lot of guests, the suggestion that they would be listening backstage, they are absolutely horrified.

5:27They're like, it's fine, I'm not listening backstage. Yeah, I don't care. I'm a Candy Crush, idiot. Listen to the first time. I'm drinking my Prosecco you've bought for me, that I demanded. That I insisted on when I was here. Great hair. Thank you so much. Okay, listen, listen, listen, everybody. I just got nervous. But you've got great hair. Thank you so much. the seating arrangement. I just wanted to check I look nice for the people. You do look great. You've got very intense fans and I don't want them to be like, I'm not listening to this bitch. Look at her hair, you know? Speak about how intense they are.

6:01What do you mean? I, they, Absolute hospital pass. Don't do that to me right at the get-go. I guess, okay, so there is one of my, an aspect of my menu, my pairing menu. I wanted to check that no one else had done. Yeah. And so I googled it and there is more Reddit threads out there on you guys than I thought possible. And, you know, they take it seriously. Yes. And I just want them to know that I'm also taking this seriously. Well, what we'll say is you have a podcast with Stevie Martin. This is correct. Who's been on this podcast. The wheels came off the operation pretty quick. Yes, they did.

6:39So I think there'll naturally be comparison between your menu and Stevie's menu. I'm going to say it right now. Mine's better. Yeah, okay. Well, you'd have to go some fucking distance. distance. That was so heavily mayonnaise based. Yes. People were pretty angry. Sure, sure. Some people were very frustrated with her. Sure. I think it was the mayonnaise and the guacamole that really got to people. Yeah, people didn't like that bit. Yeah, yeah. And how beige everything was, or yellow and beige, or I think maybe two courses were identical. I can't remember now. Yeah, that's Stevie. Once, years ago in Edinburgh, we did Get Your Own Back, the live.

7:16Yeah, so I just... For listeners. For any listeners who are confused. For our American listeners. Sure, there is a large arts festival every August called the Edinburgh Festival. Is that the bit I need to explain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland. Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland. We have for one month in August. It hosts an arts festival. And then other piece of background reading you need to know is that in the 90s, there was a TV show called Get Your Own Back in which kids competed against their parents and whoever lost got gunned. Yes. Then they brought the live show of that with Dave Benson Phillips to...

7:45Who was the host, yes. To the host. The original host. The original host, the OG. returns to the assembly rooms to play it live and which we went and played and one of the events was one of you had to put a duvet on a duvet cover and the other one had to eat a cold can of beans yeah so we didn't even discuss me and steve i just got up to do the duvet cover it was basically taskmaster before taskmaster it was yeah it was yeah he was really yeah exactly it was the yeah he was late he was walking so that greg could run yeah greg's not right and so that greg could sit very still so mean so mean about him so come on you leave an open goal like that it's Greg running and he would make that joke about himself and you made it and then I made it just in case just in case would spring mean things about Greg because he hasn't gone across anyway I was inside the duvet obviously for the game but I and I could hear the game had begun and the speed at which Stevie ate the cold beans there was this like noise in the room of the audience that were like, no.

8:50Like, I was like so visceral. No. No, no. And I was like inside this TV being like, Stevie was too fast. That was too fast for people. That's what she likes. Yeah, cold beans. That's what she likes. We got gunned. And when we were being led off and like put in like sort of hose down, our very intense thought was who hose the children? Like who hose the children? Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah. You never ever think about that until you're being hosed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe other children. Then point some other children to the house off. And that's okay. And that's fine. And that's fine. And that's fine.

9:24That's our legally binding. So is it fair to say you're feeling a bit tense or trepidatious about this menu because you're very aware of the reaction to it? No, no, no. My menu's absolutely banging. You're very confident about it. My menu's banging. I just want to make sure everyone has a good time in my restaurant. Yeah. That's nice. How are you going to make sure everyone has a good time? Does that start before the meal? Does that start when people arrive at the restaurant? Okay, so vibes are, to me, 99 % of a meal. Interesting. I really need a restaurant to have thought through the vibes. Lighting, sound, ambiance, tables, chairs.

10:09Yes, very important. But I also, I like, there's so many bits. sometimes i go to a restaurant i'm like oh you haven't you're like you you i can't this is surgical lighting i'm not doing i'm not in hospital i'm leaving i want them to you will leave have you left because of lights before yeah yeah only if i was on my own right yeah i understand that it's not okay in a group and i just have to endure yeah but if i was solo i'm like that also if you're alone eating you need a dark restaurant i find thank you you want to hide yeah yeah for the you want candle lit you want to pretend you're reading a book you want to you If I don't have anything with me, I'll ask for a pen and then I'll sort of do things on a napkin and pretend I'm thinking of a novel, you know?

10:51I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know if that's a joke. Will you ask for a pen? Why would that be a joke? Because it's silly. No, it's not. That you ask for a pen and then you draw the napkin. That's not silly. I ask for the kids' menu that you can do colouring in. Yeah, yeah, excuse me, I'm colouring in my novel. Excuse me, I'm colouring. I've just done a lot of episodes of this podcast and that's just never come up before. If someone's done it alone, they ask for a pen so that they can write on the napkin. Write on the napkin. This is blowing my mind. I would think that was the number one thing to do.

11:19Have you ever seen anyone else doing it in a restaurant? No. Yeah, there you go. Okay, so if you're solo, you're just, you're crayoning and what are you doing? I guess I'm on my phone. Yeah, I'm on my phone. And that's not healthy. Do you know, I did completely forget that phones existed in that moment. But that's great. I did, what a life. Obviously phone is what I said to be doing. But I guess it made you feel like a woman, a Bloomsbury Literary Circle woman. with her pen and her napkin. Just having the muse has struck. I guess you need some lighting in that scenario because you're... Candle.

11:50Candle is plenty. The muse has struck. Yeah, the muse has struck. I don't want to be dark. I do not want to dine in that pitch black restaurant. Yes. Vibes poor. What sort of things are you writing? Because you're sort of pretending to write important things on the napkin, but you're just sort of free writing. Yeah, it's just nothing. I want people to think about that. Hello, I'm in a restaurant alone. That sort of stuff. yeah hello hello i sometimes i write like people think i'm writing something clever but i'm not great you know that sort of stuff obviously got to dispose of the napkin burn it so no one the waiter isn't like wow that woman's unhinged afterwards yeah or really spill loads of stuff on it like tuck it in and then just dump a whole plate of spaghetti over it so they can never read it that's so much grosser than just me quietly taking it and putting it in the bin hose you off hose you off afterwards that's true that's true little kid will hose you off yeah what's worse an adult hosing a kid off or a kid hosing an adult off adult hosing a kid okay I think in both instances it depends how much the adult's enjoying it um I would say you're right I would say that I would say that your whole thing with a napkin and I know you're surprised that not everyone does it but I think it hinges on everyone not doing it because otherwise you writing down you pretending to write stuff when you're not if everyone did that then it doesn't work because everyone goes there's someone pretending to write important stuff in a napkin but she's obviously not doing it right right right so the only way that works and tricks people is if no one really does it i guess the thing is if i saw someone do it and i never have it would never occur to me they were pretending i would just think the muse has struck yeah and why do you not have a pen with you great question that is the crucial question here um because what happens if the muse generally genuinely strikes regularly yeah and i'm just adrift i just getting every day getting through the day is a huge hurdle yeah so the days that have a pen on me that is a huge win yes but they are few and far between yeah i would say that you're someone who i think you probably have several ideas a day oh i i imagine like constantly yeah but no none of them are uh like for thought about i should do that like i should take a pen out with me absolutely i should take an umbrella they just hit it's just constantly why don't i invent this yeah why don't i write this why don't i write that yeah what if um yeah what if what what if bees wore shoes that's what that's what happened there james i'll be absolutely honest yeah what if yeah yeah yeah one time i was in the toilets of an airport and i hung my bag luckily it was just a shopping bag of something i just bought on the hook on the back of the door and i thought i'll forget that then the entire duration on the toilet i was like people should invent something where the hook is weighted and it says like bing bong i still have your bag or something like until until you take it off thought about inventing that all the way onto the plane plane took off i thought bags bags still on the hook yeah yeah there was no bing-bong no bing-bong you imagined the bing-bong so clearly you thought the bing-bong was real of course i was like working out you need to wait it and then it's just an automated bing-bong and then as soon as that's off it will stop yeah it's still holding back that laugh it's like going on dragon's den and just seeing them be like i think the bing-bongs looks pretty good.

15:13I mean, it would mean that toilets and airports were so loud. So loud. Someone shouting, bing bong, your bag's on me. And it may as well be, bing bong, someone's having a dump in here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. In the ladies, that doesn't happen because everybody's in the cubicles regardless. It depends how long the bing bong goes on. If the bing bong goes on for a long time, you know that a dump's happening, right? Yeah, that's the dump. Bing bong's too long. Yeah, bing bong, bing bong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just want to say that. I know ladies sit down to wee. Just being clear about that. Well, it was a huge discussion.

15:42Yeah, he knows. He knows some things. I'm a man of the world. Yeah. He knows. When he was a little kid, he had to hose him down.

15:49They called me Lil Flush. Lil Flush. Why? Because I'm acting like a... Anyway, come on. Sorry. Your question was, do you remember? And then this happened. Oh, I was going to say, did you remember when you were on the plane? because they turned the seatbelt signs off. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, good. Worth it. Worth it. It was worth it. It was worth it. I like that. It was worth it. Benito is desperate to talk about Ride or Die. He's just talked about it all morning. He's so excited about it. What can you tell the listeners about this show? Ride or Die is a new show that's on Amazon Prime.

16:30It is a show. It's got Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lasso and Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer from The Health and Bill Nighy, national treasure. From everything. From literally everything from your dreams. From heaven. Truly from heaven. The man is, he's everything you could hope. Everything you could hope. He's so wonderful. One time, his character is a very serious gentleman. Obviously, his character is just him. And his suit was quite plain. And so I was like, oh, I think we need a pop of colour. Why don't we have a pocket square or something? So I went to say, what do you think about having a pocket square, Bill?

17:04and he went I mean we can but a pocket square is social death and I just like literally like slid off my chair I was like yeah of course like the most shame I've ever felt we should say you wrote the show sorry otherwise I'm just describing the show it's literally like you were saying I can't wait for this to come out it looks really good Tessa's a runner by the way I'm just I'm just popping in everyone's like why are you suggesting things to Bill you need to leave I am The American term for it is showrunner, which is crazy because obviously runner is the person who gets the tea, a job I have done for many years.

17:40And then showrunner is actually the very top boss. America should think of more words. So I'm saying they haven't got enough. Don't burn any bridges on this podcast. America, God bless you. Love every one of you. I wrote the show and I'm also, when I was writing it, because we filmed it in Prague. And I remember saying, do I get to go to Prague? And they were like, do you get to go? They were like, it's compulsory for you to be there. You are the boss. You have to be there. So we filmed it in Prague for nine months. There's eight episodes. It is about, oh, sorry, it's about two best friends, Hannah and Octavia, who know everything about each other, except Hannah turns out to be an international assassin.

18:18And then they have to go on the run. It's a bit of fun. At the very least, it's got some action pieces in it that I do think are genuinely very good. You see, I think if people didn't know that you'd done this, I think the first part of the conversation where you say you never carry a pen and you have to borrow one at a restaurant and write it down on a napkin. And then you've written a show for Amazon Prime where you are the showrunner. It's like two different people. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Well, truly, at one point, my husband came to a set when we were like midway through episode seven and it's in this like plaza in Prague and like smoke bombs are going off and people are shooting at each other and people are running.

18:52There's like a helicopter, things are exploding. And he literally stood in the middle of this as I'm like in charge. And he literally went, you've never even made a blap. you've never done fucking anything and now like now look at you it's so cool tessa oh thank you so much but also you've been working like so hard for so long as well for the listeners who aren't familiar with everything you've done this isn't just like you've never done anything this has happened you've like like i always think of you of like how much you've grafted especially over there in la and stuff to try and get stuff off the ground for a long time and we've spoke about having to go through that system and, you know, the amount that you get nearly there, you get just a bit close, and then it doesn't happen.

19:38Then you have to start again with something else, and then, like, a commissioner changes or something like that, and it's scrapped again. So it is really exciting that this has paid off and happened. So, like, I think we're all looking forward to seeing it a lot. Oh, thanks, man. And Don't Review. See, I've been grafting since the very beginning. You're in the Don't Review, right? Yeah, yeah, big time. I laid the path for all this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my mentor. Without me and Nish, none of this would have happened. Well, everyone knows about you and Nish at Dome. Stevie said that in an interview once in a broadsheet about me and Nish casting her in the Dome review and starting her comedy career, and she's absolutely gutted she said that.

20:16Yeah. Because we message her so much being like, why are you thanking us more? You should be thanking us in everything. You did not cast me because I'm... But Stevie does. Yeah, yeah. She's not wrong. down the line it goes. I look forward to my money. How much do you want? A percentage? A percentage of the Amazon deal, please. Coming up. Coming up. No, yeah. Because I was so new to so much of the process, I did feel like someone was like, someone said, it's like you're one of those dogs that they've sent into space and all they want to do is see how long the dog can survive. You know, like that dog's never coming back.

20:57You know, like Sputnik. the dog. How lovely. No, I don't think Sputnik's the dog. Is that Sputnik the shit? I think Sputnik's the satellite. I like her as the dog. Yeah, yeah. So confidently I like Sputnik the dog. So I don't think you're lasting long in space with that kind of knowledge. Is that your next show for Amazon Prime? Sputnik the dog. Sputnik the dog. Sputnik the dog. Tessa, we got some notes on a new idea. Imagine if there was one person at NASA, I think it was NASA, who at the time got a bit muddled up and thought Sputnik was a dog. Yeah. and everyone's talking about Sputnik and there's this one person in the office who's like how's that fucking dog how is that dog going around the earth again yeah we need to how much fed that dog and the mate is going have anyone checked on Sputnik lately yeah yeah yeah Sputnik's fine are we sure Sputnik's got to do a fuel dump what the fuck how long has that dog been in space that's he's eating fuel these days that's how we survive it the thing is my granny coach did have a horrible dog called Sputnik so I guess that's where I got it in my head well yeah she was mixed up as well she was confused that's the dog anyway my point about my dog analogy is that it felt like I was the dog they just sent up there to see like no one thought anything of the dog you know how long can the dog live in the atmosphere up there and then against all the odds the dog is manning the space station the dog's doing it the dog's going to land the plane I think you've got to have some faith in the dog to send them out there with some Oscar winners and national treasure you can't be wasting their time as much as you've got to think a dog Bill Nighy you know for a fact that they respect those guys.

22:28They respect the three of them. You're making fantastic points. Do you think Nye and Octavia Spencer and Hannah Waddingham realised they were working with the dog in space? The dog really kept it together. Yeah, that's good. So the dog did not reveal that it was a dog wearing a coat. You know, it was like, I'm a person. It's mad to me that you kept it together because I'm sure this has come up on the pod before and it definitely came up on I Went On Your Podcast. We all know what's about to be said. Go on. I mean, it only happened out there when we had Paul Rudd in here And you met Paul Rudd. You knew it was only a matter of time before Paul Rudd came up.

22:59There's a dog involved in this story. It was only because you said you kept it together, so I thought, time to undercut Tessa on that. I guess I did not go to... You're right, you're right. How did I do on my first meeting? You're right, I did... Okay, I guess I had learned from that experience. Just for everybody else, everybody else. It was only us. Literally just the four of us who experienced it. Well, five, because Paul Rudd was there. And a dog. Toast the dog. and toast the dog yeah he had it together seven people yeah he toasted it under control it's fine around Poland I as I was today have been late to make this podcast not this one I come every day to try and be on it but to make nobody panic every day for five years the singular day I was ever early and I was so excited striding through the door to say how early I was the great Benito met me at the doorway when you're still in an enclosed but nonetheless glass area yes I can't go back from that point yeah yeah I guess I could have pretended to be a delivery person or something either way the great benito meets me and he says welcome you're early be cool paul rudd is here kiss of death to which i is that fair factual yeah that's got a shrug of acknowledgement and i i do think about leaving then i panic i pick up toast because that felt like a good barrier i then cross across the room you're there chatting with paul Rudd, who is, may I say, glowing?

24:21The man is, a light is coming out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wasn't really ready for that, how radiant he would be, meeting a deity. And then I say, and then you guys very politely are like, oh, hi, Desert. And I say, hi. And then you say, this is Paul. And I go, hello, Paul Rudd. While looking him dead in the eye. I'd say quite a lot louder than that as well. Yeah, it was louder and quicker. What do you mean? Okay, you do your impression of it. Hello, Paul Rudd! and while you were moving as well it was a drive-by it was sort of a drive-by hello cool Rudd while you were carrying a dog for no reason slow down for at all and then you marched you just marched off around to the office I did I couldn't cope and red bright red bright red bright red that I glowing but not in the beautiful way of a deity oh god okay so I screamed it yeah you wailed it yeah I wailed it in my mind it's just like alright so I guess you had more time to prepare when you met when you met the people in your show.

25:20Well, that genuinely, after that, I was like, that can't happen again. We may not pull Rudd. I said to myself, looking at myself in the mirror, keep this shit together. Do not do that. Hello, Bill Nye. Yeah, yeah. That's day one. Day one. And they're like, I'm not working with this dog. She's crazy. Still sparkling water, Tessa? Tap, please. Next question. Always tap. Tap water, please. Unless I have to pay for it, you're going to make me pay for a bottle of still. Illegal. I love saying that in restaurants. I think so too. Thank you. In which case, I'll have sparkling on principle. Yes. Because if I have to pay for it either way, it feels like I'm more bang for my buck with the bubbles.

26:00I don't think anyone's really charging. I don't think you're allowed to charge for tap water, are you? No, but if it's a bottle of still. Yeah. I think that's such a waste. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, it's fancy and it felt fun when you cracked the top, but like, to what end? That's free in the tap, you know? Felt fancy when you cracked the top. Pardon? When you opened the bottle, it feels fancy crack open a glass bottle of ice cold water and crack the top you don't feel fancy does it feel fancy because it's so unnecessary because you could just have tap water yeah because opening this bottle of sparkling is like I just have to open this to get to it but something about opening the still I think it's like this is outrageous this is free I shouldn't have one of these and then once it's cracked it's like that's done there's no going back the tap water where's it coming from What's the best tap water in the world?

26:47What a beautiful question. I'm unprepared, as Sally Phillips was, with her mineral waters of the world. See, I'm deep on the Reddit thing. Yes. I'm checking. I'm checking everything. London's. Really? A jest because it's full of piss. I guess like a beautiful glacier somewhere. Oh, nice. There is this documentary on Netflix called Mermaids. Don't quote me. I think it's called that. It's about people who are professional mermaids for like in Vegas or, you know, you put on a tail and you do a thing in a tank. Wow. Ed nodding, James looking back. I've done it. Never heard of this. No. I have. Of course he has.

27:26Did it for a TV show. Of course he has. Peter King. No. Which TV show? Almost Royal. Almost Royal. He did everything on that. Yeah, we just did everything available. It wasn't Almost Royal. Yeah, yeah, Those were the days. But I did it because the character was a member of the Royal Family. I did it with the tail on and then a shirt and tie. Ah, that's fun.

27:45What a time. But yeah, it's in near Florida, I think. Yeah. Okay. So did you get to go in that special one, the special lake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the water quality like? Because on this documentary, these women who swam there as mermaids in the 70s, they're all sort of in their 60s now, and they all speak with this wide eyes about this water. They're like, there's something in this. It's like a reservoir or like a natural. It's coming up from the rocks. There's something in this water, and that is the water I'd like to drink, please. Okay. So can I have that? Mermaid water, yeah. So you want the water that all those old ladies have been in?

28:19That's the one. Yeah, okay. Because I want whatever's making their eyes wide. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because they really are speaking like, they're like, I've never felt peace like being in that water. And I was like, I want that. Do you think their eyes might be wide because they're crazy ladies who are professional mermaids? I won't be discussing that. I won't be moved. For the listener, it's like, it's something, it's called like. Something's. Yeah, but Benita, can you look up what it's called? because it's going to drive something springs something springs well done we would never have got there yeah we could watch yeah that's the one I swam in so for the listener there's like it's basically like a tank but then there's like theatre seats in front of the big sort of aquarium window so then you watch like the people dressed as mermaids but it's not just a tank right it's built up the rocks it's yeah it's beautiful it looks really nice but I wouldn't I don't remember the water quality being amazing I cannot believe I've brought well this is the magic of the dream restaurant is I've come here to say my one true dream is to taste that water.

29:18Yeah. And you've done it. Yeah. And the answer is it's absolutely fine. Yeah, it's fine. So that's, you know. He had other things on his mind. He was pretending to be a member like a lineage of the Royal Family. He was like wearing a shirt. He's trying to be funny for the TV show. You know, he's got to do improv. He's got to make everything count. He's not thinking about the water. He's not thinking years from now someone will ask me how clear this water is. He's not present. You're completely right. Those mermaids to properly, like, they're feeling it. They're engaging with it all. Yeah. You make such good points.

29:47We can get you a couple of Weakie Watchies. Thank you so much. No problem. Poplobs or bread! Poplobs or bread, Tezza Coates! Poplobs or bread! Okay. Thank you, sir. So in my real life... I've got her. You've got her. I'm not, I mean... No, I wouldn't. Of all the guests we've ever had, I'm not surprised you got Tezza with that one. Yeah, really easy. I am easily scared. I am a really good audience to do magic to. I'm gasping I can't believe anything can you remember any magic have you ever had close up magic done for you absolutely I've lost my mind I've lost my god damn mind and in a play like if somebody comes out of a door like goes in one door wow I'm gasping goes in one door and comes out another that's right okay there's this tiny bit in the play that goes wrong where somebody goes in a box but then comes out a door and the behaviour of other member of the Don't Review Liz Smith who was sat beside me at the time I went and she went Jesus Christ

30:46so I'm shocked by everything deeply present person and that went wrong yeah that was it going wrong imagine if it had gone right imagine no anyway they should do the play that went wrong it should go right if they're calling it the play that went wrong do you see what I mean because you go expecting it all to go wrong so it should all go right the next time they do it they should just do a normal play and it goes right and everyone goes what the fuck I came to see the play that went wrong yeah I know we fucked it up it went wrong we fucked it up guys no we didn't fuck up we did it exactly right because it went wrong they fucked up what they're supposed to be doing perfect you should tell them that we tried to do it wrong we messed it up we got it right pitch that pitch the play that goes right and it plays in the theatre next door and it's just you guys doing an immaculate and very serious like the doll's house something yeah just do like a well known play call it the play that goes right the play that goes right and everyone's like oh I'm just Ed and James doing this it's going to be so funny it's just wow this is serious I was doing Jerusalem yeah yeah so boring we could do Godot I suppose I think what Godot is that he has a path of comedians double double axe doing yes you know and so everyone's like okay fine but something something real boring yeah I saw the Lion King Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen do Godot and blow your mind well I just kept thinking about X-Men right sure sure sure that's all I could think of yeah yeah that's Magneto and Professor X yeah When are they going to do their tricks?

32:12Yeah, that is. When's anything going to fly? Yeah, they should have thought about that. Yeah, they should have been a bit. They should have been one night. They should be like, I always think plays should have like a late night version. Come back and we're just going to vibe. Like a sexy version. Yeah, like Hollyoaks After Dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop-a-doms or bread though? Okay, so in my real life, pop-a-doms please. In your real life? In my real life. I am both, I'm allergic to everything. I'm gluten and dairy intolerant and I will shit myself. But in the dream restaurant, I can have anything I like.

32:40Fantastic. Also, I, your friend of mine, Nish Kumar, I did his tour support on his last tour and where he is quite mean about both of you. Yes. Yes. Real shame. Jealous. Of course, as he should be. But he makes a very clear statement that the only correct option is to choose papadoms and to pronounce them papadoms.

33:07Okay. OK, that's... I literally... You've got to make your mind up on what you're saying before you say it, Tessler. I literally voice... I messaged Nish to voice note me exactly the correct pronunciation, so I would say... And he did that, did he? He's gonna... The only person laughing harder at this is Nish. When Nish hears this, he's absolutely... He's gonna lose his fucking mind. She goes... He's going like a Catherine wheel. Like, he's going to lose his fucking head. Yeah. We need to film a reaction video. Oh, my God. Listening to that. One of the best things that's ever happened in the podcast.

33:48This is a showrunner. I just so wanted to be correct. You just said bobbledrum so slowly. There's a question mark at the end.

34:03Also, the run-up to it was so confident. Oh, yeah, so confident. And the only way they pronounce it is... The only way. And the only way they pronounce it is...

34:17It's just because every night of the tour, we got Nando's every night, and I would sit backstage. I actually do watch, and I would sit in the wings watching him, eating my Nando's. And every single night, he would shout, otherwise you have to choose, otherwise you're a racist, and it's pronounced.

34:37and then you look down at your Nando's every time he said that you're writing on a napkin the muses are Pat Pad

34:47Pat Adams and you pronounce it Patch Adams or you're a racist Patch Adams or bread the answer is I'd like bread please I think that's probably the safest answer I could have avoided all that by just saying bread but I have to tell you my truth you can't come to the dream restaurant and not share your truth otherwise we could just rattle through oh yeah we've had some of those you've got to slow down you've got to say why so I'd love bread please and if in the dream restaurant I could not share myself as a result that would be so nice may I? thank you so much take my whole gut away my cradle curse the thing that the wicked witch gave you at your christening is that I am a no not happy with cradle curse never heard that before I have invented it truth be told I like it though I'm going to start using it I think there's nothing you can do about it mine is that I have the gut of a girl that needs to have a Tupperware of almonds but the mind and heart of a greedy bitch

35:57I'm both unorganised no pen so I can't possibly meal prep and also I love everything I love to eat, but everything makes me sick. But in this restaurant, nothing will make me sick. And I would love, can I have a warm, homemade date bread that I had once in a restaurant and a homemade butter with salt on top? Yes. Yes, of course. Do you remember the restaurant where you had the date bread? Yes, it was in Perilla in Stoke Newington. Like Newington Green? Right, on Newington Green. It's a great restaurant. Lovely restaurant. Great. A lot of candle. Lovely vibe. A lot of candle. Yeah. Lovely vibe.

36:32Lovely vibes. tasting menu vibe but way more affordable than other tasting menus it's like super high quality yes it's a fantastic tasting menu I will say if you say when in Rome when arriving and do the drinks pairing yes it is not as affordable yeah yeah yeah I think like most places if you get more stuff it's more money that's what they say that is what they say yeah hey guys it's Paige from Giggly Squad okay can we all agree that hosting is so much fun and I really do love it. Every weekend it's come over for snacks, let's make dinner together, and somehow the second you put out a fruit platter, it seems that bugs show up before your friends do.

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38:59Your dream starter. Now, referring to the notes. We love this. Well, at the top, just in case you saw them, I've written off-the-cuff prepared riffs. Yes. What? That's riff. But they're not. It's just my menu written down. I've been done a little like this. Yeah, what is that? What would you call that? A menu moustache. A menu moustache. that's so nice have you just thought of that yeah like cradle curse like cradle curse yeah you're a genius it's like a little yeah the little scrolls you're a genius too yeah I didn't do anything you made a tiny tiny little of your head when I called a genius oh as if to say no he's not wow no no no as if to be like nothing for me like that felt what it meant oh I see I was trying to agree oh I was like yeah he is a genius and I get to reap all the benefits see you guys you're jonesing for Godot look at this come on this would be great great between you two um um stop it stop it okay we're gonna be talking about that for months every time a guest every time I say Papa Doms of Bread to a guest I'm gonna be thinking about that yeah the thing is it didn't even cross my mind that that was gonna be one of my problems areas of my menu no well you can tell how you went into it confident and I was like I'm gonna do Nish Proud I'm going to tell you know he says it every night you're dignified he's going to love it so much if you pronounced it correctly I don't think he would have enjoyed that very much but he would have absolutely loved what did happen you're right we'll be clipping that up and sending it to him this afternoon oh god bless him okay so my starter also takes place in the place in the so may I have different what the fuck may I my restaurant has got different areas yes it's not just all in one yeah location um so the first bit happens in keen's steakhouse in new york city okay and the starter also comes with the amuse bouche and the amuse bouche is that i would like a degree of jeopardy before we get to the restaurant so okay i i think has become clear to the listeners um i don't do well with a booking system i i'm a spontaneous person and i want to so when i my nightmare is i get to a restaurant and a mean thin woman says um do you have a reservation and i go obviously not yeah and then they're like well i can put you in next wednesday be like i won't be hungry next wednesday i'm here now but what happened in keen's i was in new york i um had a something had cancelled and so i had two free hours that evening i was going to see the rockettes so already i'm i'm buzzing yeah i just google restaurants near me i haven't looked for anything and i just went around the corner i think that'll do me and i walked there and by chance it's the best one of the best restaurants in new york city it's called keen steakhouse i know that jason manzuka's talked about it because i have research done my research and an lovely lovely man who'd worked there for 45 years wearing a red waistcoat met me at the door and i said hello do you have space for one lovely lady and he said something like honey there are no tables but let me put you at the bar the dream the dream and i it has a special designated area that i think should be it should be compulsory in all restaurants it's like for walk-ins there's always space huge shout out to that guy obviously worked in the service industry for a long time that when you said you have space for one lovely lady he didn't go we sure do when's she arriving yeah yeah you know That's obviously my first instinct.

42:37Straight away. And that's what you both thought. Yeah. But he would have thought that as well, but he's just, he's good at his job. Son of a gun. Because that's spiky banter. That's too spiky of banter. That was, that was. You're so right. Because if you said that to me, I'd be like, it's me. Maybe it's just like... I'm the lovely lady. It's clear. I thought I meant that clear. I would have been completely clear that I'm the lovely lady. Maybe he didn't think that, but as standard comedians, the world is just one big front row to us. we've got to take them down otherwise they won't respect us so it's like straight away the customer says like hello fuck you yeah yeah yeah make clear who's the alpha yeah yeah so it's not doesn't show us in good light but we did both think that's true that's so funny that's why they pay you the big bucks it didn't cross my mind it's not even on my list of prepared off the cuff riffs I think it's why they pay us the big bucks for that sort of stuff just being mean anyway but I do I just love I love to be placed at the bar so nice And then immediately beautiful little white napkin coaster thing is straight down.

43:38Immediately glass of ice cold tap water. Probably from the wiki waki. Yeah.

43:47That was another man. Red waistcoat. Just like somebody who's like lived there. You know? Stop. Fucking hell. Oh God. Anyway, and the other aspect of this. Okay, so in Keens, I don't need this because I've already seen it in Keens. but what I would like in my dream restaurant, I don't want to be the architect of this. So I guess it's on you. Is I love when a restaurant has like some deep history and a very big like A5 menu, but on the back, history of the place. Yes. And now I get to either read that silently or read to the table while doing voices. Or get me a pen and I'll change the history.

44:20And I'll change that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I make that more exciting. The Keens one has these clay pipes in the ceiling because in the old days, you went to your favourite bar and instead of taking your pipe around with you like some kind of, you know, peasant, you said, boy, and there was a pipe boy, boy, get me number 18, and he went and got your pipe from your locker box and brought you your pipe. Isn't that cool? That is cool. Yeah, see, I've never smoked, but that makes me want to... To smoke so hard. If I was in there and I knew I could go, boy? Boy? Number seven. Or even just they see you come through the door and someone's going, Mr.

44:54Acaster's pipe, and a boy's running. In some places in Japan, have you been to Japan? I have been to Jermaine. Incredible. Did you see any, when you're in any of the bars, there's like cupboards of whiskey, like whiskey all over the place with labels on them. Yeah. And they're for regular. So they just buy this expensive bottle of whiskey and it's only their whiskey. Absolutely love it. You go in and you're like, my whiskey please. I did see them and I did think about buying one. You know, never to be seen again. But just the idea. back in five years time, they're like, we drank that. Yeah. We knew you weren't coming back.

45:26But how cool would it be if years from now you did return and they were immediately like, Mr. Gamble, we've been expecting you for a long time. Here's your key. You'd walk in there, Konichiwa!

45:40Konichiwa! Arigato, cos I'm a... I'm a regular! Did you... Did you try to... You're so mean. Did you go to those... introvert cafes where you don't have to speak to anyone and there's like a... No, I was with my wife so that would have been absolutely crazy. I was with my husband. He insisted we go. He described it as his dream restaurant. I was literally like climbing over the thing being like, no, what's chatting to me? Like this. And then he tried to order for me and I was like, I think I've got a handle on the Japanese. Thank you. I'll order. And what arrived was one egg in a bowl. And out of like sheer seriousness, I just ate it and said that's what I meant.

46:25Thank you. So good. That was fine.

46:32I haven't even said my starter yet yeah say your starter please go on okay this is my other thing oh sorry so my request please architects of my dream restaurant is could you do some history for me you don't have to do it right now yes of the restaurant but on the right back I want and I want there to be things to look at in the ceiling I want there to be things on the wall I want to be well for the solo lady I I'm not pretending on the napkin I've got so much to look at what do you want on the ceiling already because you've You've read all the Reddit threads before coming here. Yeah. So you have read about the dream restaurant.

47:02You've read most of the history. You have done that for yourself. Yeah, but now I want you, and again, you don't actually have to do it, but I just want to know that there's going to be extra facts. About your dream restaurant, extra facts. Something hanging from the ceiling. It doesn't have to be about me. It just can be about the building. Yeah. Where it used to be. Used to be a prison. It doesn't have to be that. Don't hold me. Hold you back for the prison stuff. Just like I want to know. but again don't tell me because I want to have you been to that dive bar in I think it's like Angel sort of Islington way where they have bras hanging from the ceiling no but that sounds fantastic yeah what are they doing there well they're just being bras just hanging up there well you've been and you didn't ask the history of the bras I think you're supposed to think oh this place gets so crazy that ladies take their bras off and leave them here and then they hang them on the ceiling but it's not a great look for me again that feels false to me I love it because is it true is it real because if somebody if Dave Benson Phillips hung those bras the famous set designer I don't like that you know I want to feel that that really happened yeah are you imagining throwing them in the air and them just sticking to the ceiling basically like a pancake yeah I'm trying to start something where people can start like hanging bras on lampposts and stuff I'm trying to get that going I know define define that what do you mean because you know people are putting the Union Jack on lampposts at the minute.

48:26Are they? Yeah, to show that they love reform or like Tommy Robinson, the political thing. That's a shame. The main grief that Zach Polanski's getting from the Greens is that people say that when he was a hypnotist, he used to make women's boobs bigger. So I say... That's their main criticism. I was with you until I didn't know this. That's an incredible... He didn't do that. It misquoted and it's been used against him as in like... And if you just do like one simple... He was a professional hypnotist. He was a hypnotherapist. Right. and he was asked in an interview could you do this or are there hypnotherapists who could make women's boobs bigger and this was an age ago before his proper media training he was like well yes but I wouldn't and then they just quoted as saying yes and then that obviously got used against him later down the line they used it as like people trying to, from other political parties were like yeah he used to hypnotise women making their boobs bigger, that stuck obviously because that would stick in your head I personally think to show my support for the Greens I'm going to start hanging big old bras on lampposts just like the Union Jacks and do that to show like I'm with Polanski and like tie a double G up there I don't know if that's the sort of support he would necessarily appreciate what you think you need bigger than a G yeah yeah sorry that's a fantastically structured joke from me it was good thank you you need more support you put a G yeah yeah that's great thank you that is actually I liked it anyway when you said it and then when you actually explained it explained it I was like that is even better than I thought it was thanks everyone it's the best joke the podcast has ever seen there is a reason you're a showrunner yeah okay muttering shit like that quietly in the corner also bigger than a G just sounded like a like a rap song yeah bigger than a G you're so right you're so right okay is this a world premiere of this idea well I said it on stage once because there was a person in the audience who that's why they didn't like the Greens.

50:24Oh, because of the boob stuff. And I was like, pretty sure that's not and then we worked out as an audience. Yeah, that's not true. And then I said that and everyone was like yeah, that's a great idea. I think it's great. Okay, well now this is the second outing of this idea. I'm very in favour. I'll do one right on the way home. Yeah, yeah. Tie a bra to a lamppost and everyone will know this is it. People like the Greens around here. At the top. Yeah, just like I do with the flags if you're not seeing that. Okay, I'll Google the flags. Normally it's not at the top actually. They do them about halfway up because I think that's as high as they can get on their ladders.

50:54Okay. Okay, well, what we'll have as a counter-protest movement is better ladders. Yeah. So already we're getting more height. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me check what they're doing and then see what we're doing. Yes. I made it a wee. I'm immediately invested. I can't believe I'm saying this after we've been recording for an hour, but what is your starter? Okay. It's the Keene Steakhouse Cobb Salad, please. Lovely. Sounds boring as hell. It was the most delicious thing i've ever had um it is paired with a now i'm going to say a dry martini while not confidently knowing why it's dry because to me it's wet that's a good point or how's it dry but with a twist which i don't do no means a lemon not a filthy olive yes so that was what came with it and what is particularly fantastic about i mean it was sensationally delicious in a way i'm sorry to say i don't know why every mouthful i was like jesus christ what have you done to this objectively very boring what's in a cup take us through don't put me on this kind of pressure it uh egg yes uh lettuce egg sweet corn um blue cheese which normally i'm not a favorite fan of but like suddenly lordy lord yeah um bacon bits this doesn't sound like a boring salad avocado um small chopped tomato tiny they've done something incredible with the tomatoes like it's a it's it's a i guess every aspect of what you threw into the salad had been done to its like a had been turned to 11 yes so and then together my god also is it all mixed together or is it so i ordered a cob salad once and it was in these all those ingredients you mentioned but in like lines okay and that was horrifying to me because do you remember that advert with tom hiddleston where uh it was for like i don't know some kind of gummy um like vitamin gummy but like it's in it's in japanese and the lady comes home and he's like oh no he comes home and he's like she comes down the stairs phil wang made like an amazing parody parody video of it is nothing else go and look up the phil wang parody it is so good but it's such a mad advert because he's like oh i just got in and i'm leaving in a minute you're like what's it and then he's like i made you breakfast and then he's like you like pepper on the side right then he presents the most disgusting plate you've ever seen there's this like berries touching raw egg like it's just like and it's in those horrible lines yeah that is what i imagined a cob salad was this one it's mixed it was in a beautiful bowl mixed in like it was my god my god because my expectations were so low and also the thing i loved about it is what i love in a restaurant is to say what do you recommend to the people and normally you get someone who doesn't care if you live or die saying are you hungry yeah and you're being like no i'm just happy to be here i want but this guy went honey i'm gonna get you a carb salad and a dry martini and i was like oh that's great yes please that service that service just to be like i'm confident that this is our best meal and yes and he was completely right

54:01we dream main course okay so we leave the steakhouse now I'm ushered through a back door yes if I may can I go through like a Narnia wardrobe like a wardrobe yeah yeah I just thought of that but I would like that through all the fur coats through the fur coats yeah yeah absolutely and I'm out now and I'm outside oh my lord I'm by the coast I'm in Colwyn Bay and I would like to have with our knees, with our legs dangling over the pier on the beach in Colwyn Bay. It doesn't have to be a particularly nice day. I would like to have fish and chips with my family. And I would like also for us to have done a small quest that day.

54:40Because I think fish and chips are most enjoyed when you've done an activity or a thing. Totally. Or eat. Oh, I like this, Tessa. Big walk, big walk at least. Or like, there's something magic about like, people are setting up for a wedding and there's like a weird old group and it's two days before and then you're like, oh, well, no one wants to cook. Should we get fish and chips? But you've just like put the marquee up or something. So everyone feels like a bit... Your example was way more specific than I thought it was going to be. Because I thought big walk, fish and chips, everyone knows what that feels like.

55:09Setting up for a wedding, putting a marquee up and it's two days before. Sorry, that is quite specific. So that must have happened to you. The truth is, yeah. Something like this exact thing that I'm thinking of. It's exactly that same thing before my wedding. before your wedding it was before my wedding but it's happened at other people's wedding to me weddings pre-wedding setup does mean now there's fish and chips yeah because there's something about also and also I'm very it's my family but also like I would love there to be an interesting but perfectly curated collection of friends yes that don't all know each other but you're like this is a good group this is the group that have like showed up to help just before James says it because I know he'll want to know yeah can you take us through each of those friends and how you know them please yeah thank you Ed absolutely not we haven't We haven't the time.

55:51We haven't the time. Because I'm just describing people you don't know. Yeah. Oh, he loves that. That's what he likes about it. I love it. Natalie Dibsdale. Funny. Yeah, there you go. Straight away, full names are funny. Dibsdale. That's funny. Dibsdale. Dibsdale. Midwife. One of the cleverest people I know. My friend Phoebe. An accountant. Huge fan of you guys. Hey. Hello, Phoebe. Hello, Phoebe. Shout out, Phoebe. Hi, Phoebe. And then just a collection of school and you guys can be there. Oh, thanks. Yeah, hanging out. Only if you've been helpful with the marquee. I get stuck in, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, great.

56:25Yeah. I mean... Is it setting up for your wedding? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll be helpful. So back in time, we're now at your wedding, helping out. Did you go to the wedding? No. No. So aggressive then to make you help set up. Well, if we're going back in time and I will help set up it. Yeah, obviously come. I know, thank you. So listen, if I... It'd be weird if I'm there. I mean, we know each other like fairly well, but I think if I was at your wedding, some people would be like, What the fuck's that guest are doing it? No, no one would say that. I think your husband would. How about then? I think he'd be like, look, Tessa.

56:54If I may, the caterers at my wedding did repeatedly ask where both of you were. Of course. Because they saw Nish and Lolly, Kyle, they were like, we're the big hitters. This is true? Completely true. Because they were very keen on you guys. So I do apologise you didn't come to my wedding. Listen, if I'd got the, if my buzzer, my restaurant reservation buzzer had gone off for this pre-wedding, you'd eschew it. So if we'd invited you on the podcast. Earlier. So we weren't invited out of bitterness. Correct. Yes. Okay, cool. Now we're clear. Could you have bought the buzzer? Yeah. How do you feel about them?

57:33The other day I got given a buzzer. And the whole time, because I'm quite anxious, I am just. Dripping in sweat. I need to make, because I can't just put it in my. some people just put it in their pocket and they're just milling around having conversations like what if the buzzer's going off and you can't feel it to me that is an ice hockey puck of pure hell you know I'm like when's it going to vibrate when I sit at the table in front of me and people are like let's chat let's get a drink we've got to look at the buzzer yeah I hate the buzzer I hate the buzzer because then if the buzzer doesn't go off it should be so convenient it should be you just wait for the buzzer to go off your food's ready but I'm so like anxious that the food's taking too long I will then and I've done this a couple of times we'll go and stand by Yeah, of course.

58:14The place where they're making the food just like holding my buzzer like that. Absolutely. I'm right there behind you. It's silent. But he absolutely loves that. Everyone else hanging out, having a nice time. Because obviously, of course, because I'm the most anxious about when the food's going to arrive, everyone else has fucking got their food like 20 minutes ago. Yeah. And the people who are chill, they're like, oh, my food's ready. They don't even care. And they're like, oh, buzzer in my pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm there with my buzzer. It's absolutely dead silent. So now I'm thinking the buzzer's broken.

58:38The buzzer's broken. So I go back and be like, Am I out of range? Am I down too far? I've got to stand right next to these people holding my buzzer up, just waiting for it to go off. And then when it does, you go... Yeah. Oh, shit. That's so bad! I get so scared of the buzzer. I hate the buzzer. Let's outlaw them. Yeah. Done. Yeah, it's no good. It's too stressful. Oh, sorry, may I say my pairing drink at this job? With the fish and chips. And just to be clear, you're having what, paddock? Cod? I'm having cod, please. It's perfectly done. I just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because sometimes there's a risk.

59:09I mean it's always good bad fish and chips but you're like you know but this is immaculate how much salt and vinegar? dripping absolutely more than I say when they ask salt and vinegar I say yes and to the point that you think that's too much that's what I say to them and they always are like surely I should stop and I'm like no he gets a shout out on every episode but a shout out to Tom Barnes from Scoff who sent me and James some bits that they use to make stuff in their restaurant in Manchester including a packet of salt and vinegar salt so it is like salt with vinegar powder in it and it just it's like it tastes like powdered fish and chips you just put it on chips put it on anything you're like holy hell this is the best condiment ever where are you getting where so you'd love to describe where you got it yeah yeah yeah but can I purchase this I don't know actually it feels like the sort of thing they might have available for purchase one day it felt like a little trial of let's give it to these guys it's got the rubber see if they can master using it it's amazing yeah you'd love that so you can almost have the vinegar flavour without sogging up the chips because it's also hard to come by that exact type of vinegar they use because it's not your classic it's something different this sounds great okay so I'm having so chips perfect I'm having cod please I don't I understand the haddock is the purists choice but for me it hasn't the taste of cod on the side battered sausage lovely that's what I do do it every time every time I think I eat the sausage first because I'm so excited about it.

1:00:38Yeah, so excited. Then as I'm eating my fish and chips, gosh, I shouldn't have had that sausage. Of course. I love it. Back to the magic. I used to get just battered sausage and chips. Really? That used to be my order, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But now, now I'd probably go fish and chips with a battered sausage on the side. Okay. Or now and again, let's have a lull. Do you? Yes. No, it's the batter for me. Yeah. It's the batter for me. It's the batter for me. Dead down the line. And as my pairing drink, may I have please Coca-Cola from the original soda fountain when it had cocaine in it yeah someone's working in LA late nights right in that show cocaine was going to feed you on the menu at some point I listen I give you know easy come easy go I don't care about cocaine but I am desperate to taste what that tasted like that's fair enough this has been on my menu since I was 8 years old since I discovered like that that's what it had in it.

1:01:34There was drugs in Coca-Cola. There was drugs in Coca-Cola. Yeah. My dream to think to go to like an incredibly I just think like the billionaires are having parties where in some room they're just showing you around they're like that's a sex room that's a fountain with original Coca-Cola. You know it's like this is the richy rich of the adult world. Yeah. You know. You don't know. You don't want to try it. I don't want to be at that party. No one wants to be at that party. That's a sex room. No one wants to be at that party but you want to know that someone's doing it. This would bum me out. That's the sex room.

1:02:05Where can I put my coat? Where's the coat room? You can just throw it in the sex room on top of all these people. No, they're doing it on top of the coats. Are you trying to leave? Being like, come on. I'll be like, fine, I'll leave it. I know this is the sex room, but it's also the cloak room. You've got to pull your coat out from underneath a doctor's ass. So I love that you've got the fountain with the cocaine in it. I do think that's great. and I've never done cocaine or any drugs. No, allegedly. Allegedly. But I would drink that. We'd all would, right? Just to see what it tastes like. Maybe it isn't even as delicious.

1:02:40And if I can't have that... As a diabetic, though, I'd have to have Diet Coke with cocaine. Have you ever had a real Coke? Yeah. Yes. But it would have to be Diet Coke. If it's with cocaine. I mean, I could. You're in the dream restaurant. So would you like... If you can have anything you'd like here. I think I'm still diabetic in the dream restaurant. Really? Yeah. Ed likes being diabetic. Well, no, that's not true. But also, it's just my life, isn't it? Understood, but you don't want to try Coca-Cola as the gods intended? Well, I could anyway, but I just don't like doing it because I don't like having to inject insulin to have a drink.

1:03:12That's what I'm saying. Within this dream scenario, you don't have to inject afterwards if you don't want to. I also don't like normal Coke. Fine. Have your diet Coke with a drop of cocaine in it. I prefer Pepsi Max with cherry and cocaine. That's disgusting. Is that your genuine choice? Pepsi Max with cherry and cocaine, yeah. I had cherry Pepsi Max. Is it nice? It's the best. Yeah. I listened to the Pepsi Max ad the other day. The Gladiator one? No. It was... We'll come back to that. They're clearly not selling many because they're all left over from Christmas, but the Tesco near me are popping to the Tesco Express.

1:03:46Gingerbread flavoured Pepsi Max. Oh, no. I bought a couple a week. Yeah. Absolutely love them. Are they good? Are they? Oh, fantastic. Really? Just to that spite, like cinnamony and... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. and I'm disgusted with myself every time I buy it sure and drink it and it's delicious shout out from near here

1:04:06yeah do Pepsi ever send you stuff no no they're too big they don't yeah yeah they don't need you boys gingerbread do by the sound of it yeah big gingerbread big gingerbread do you think you've bought enough gingerbread Pepsi Max that you can make a gingerbread Pepsi Max house out of them out of all the cans definitely live in there it's bottles actually bottles this guy yeah okay sorry Benito's got 30 minutes left on his camera Benito's got 30 minutes left on his camera and because this is all about filming it these days because he's a little YouTuber yeah do you know that Benito's a YouTuber now yeah yeah so all he says he walks around saying like and subscribe we walk into the room he goes hi guys like a YouTuber hey guys good to see you all Benito here yeah it's your boy Benito when he shows you things does he hold it up with his hand behind it so that it you've seen them do that they hold stuff up and then they weirdly put their hands into the signs of stuff and I lost the hand for it's your boy Benito it's your boy Benito coming at you on a Tuesday I would genuinely watch anything he did that's the truth yeah yeah yeah I had an alt on the cocaine and Coca-Cola in case that wasn't allowed I would like a Mexican Coke in a bottle glass bottle ice cold and thank you it was made with cane sugar not regular sugar It is fucking delicious.

1:05:26I repeatedly tried to import it into this country. Can't be done. Okay.

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1:06:10Without any mess or strong odors. The best part is the design is actually sleek and curved. So it hides the bugs it catches, keeping them out of sight. and when the cartridge is full, you just grab the no mess tab, throw it in the trash, pop in a new cartridge, and then you're done. No mess, no stress. So whether you're hosting a dinner party or spending an afternoon baking treats with all your friends and you want to focus on hosting and not constantly swatting at bugs, Zivo has you covered with 24-7 bug protection. Plug in a Zivo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home.

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1:07:25your dream side dish oh mashed potato

1:07:34it obviously is insane given my main cause but truth be told i've forgotten about my side dish the truth is i cannot leave mashed potato on a menu if it's there i've only recently pivoted to the side because sometimes i would just order whatever had mashed potato with it right and i was like this is girl this is holding you back just have it as a side and now i just if it's there i have to get it i love mash so much i get i completely understand that that there are some items if they're on the menu you gotta get them and mashed potato is that i i don't order every time but i find it very hard to resist it because it's it is exciting it's just it's always good pretty much always good.

1:08:12It's always good. Do you have a favourite restaurant that you've had mashed potato in? I'm sorry to say I do not. Do you have a, what's the consistency of your dream mash? Because obviously there's many levels of mashing. Quite. Quite. Almost like pomme puree? Yeah, with more of a whip. If I, gun to my head, Brasserie's Adele. Yeah, nice. That's doing a pretty bang in. Yeah, yeah. And it's got, because it's got a sort of butter twist experience. Yeah, it's just fuck loads of butter. The answer is it's butter. it's a bowl of butter with a potato I think the thing that keeps popping up on my algo at the moment I think it's the Joel Rubichon I never know how to pronounce that mashed potato I thought you were saying Joe Rogan the Joe Rogan mashed potato which has got a fuckload of ivermectin in it no it's basically 50-50 butter and potato perfect it's just a bowl of butter potato flavoured which is the joy that's that's that's it isn't it and you'd never do that at home no you'd never you'd feel like an insane person yeah something that really stuck in my head is we did a episode of how to cook on nobody panic once and we did a sort of on instagram like tell us your best tips if you've recently learned to cook or whatever and they were all so helpful from people but one person wrote the amount of cream and butter a restaurant uses in everything will blow your mind yeah and i think about that most days and salt as well but salt's the other thing that's how things are delicious and you would dream of putting an entire like Philadelphia cream cheese into something at home you'd be like am I mentally ill but that's what you're getting in a restaurant that's why it's nice that's why it's good that's why it's good they're not yeah sometimes they go this is a in this restaurant we only use like very limited ingredients I've been to those kind of places like every dish has two to three ingredients that's it oh this would be great and you go and go no thank you doesn't taste of anything this tastes like if I just bought some carrots at the shop and chopped them up and ate them put more butter on it I think I should have been there's a butter and salt on this.

1:10:09Exactly. Delicious, though. Mashed potato. Dipping your chips in the mashed potato? No, thank you. It was private. By private, I meant separate. Yeah. Wow. I thought I was getting told off. How often do you get those two mixed up? Was that confusing at your wedding? The bridal party and the groom's party will be sitting privately. Privately. Okay. It's private. Sorry, it's separate. But it does mean, yeah, you know. Yeah, I know. it's private and I won't ask again it's just there it's obviously and I know it shouldn't be mixed that's crazy but that is the main that's the side that's coming that's the drink no fine

1:10:52dream drink Tessa because otherwise he's going to start crying over there my dream drink is is a pina colada that I had age 11 on it's virgin come on on a my grandparents sold their business so many jokes oh yeah Jesus the man at the steakhouse would let that slide but we're we're absolutely we're letting it slide we're letting it just see steam coming off my brain trying to keep it in my mouth this the thing is sometimes people would be like do you feel stand up is your true calling to me and then sometimes I see you guys like vibrating with the word virgin I'm like no I don't it's not it's not it's clear that that's not Not a great sentence to have thrown at you.

1:11:39Even that. Who do you want to hose you down? You love a pina colada. I absolutely love a pina colada. I've also discovered a thing called a lava flow, which is a strawberry daiquiri and a pina colada in one glass. Oh, my goodness. Fucking hell. Yes, please. I think that's even for me. Yeah. Sweet tooth boy, that is too sweet. I love it. When I was 11, my grandparents sold their business and they took our whole family on a cruise. We'd never really even been on a summer holiday before. It blew my goddamn mind. We got a pina colada in a glass like this, like a, you know. Yeah, I know what you mean.

1:12:19Yeah, yeah. I mean, for the listener, what's that? Oh, sorry, right, sure. Pina colada glass. Yeah, I think it's pina colada glass, yeah. Just like fancy, long, swirly. Looks like that optical illusion of like two ladies, or is it of ours, you know? Yes. Something like that. That's helpful, that's helpful. Is that helpful? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's genuinely helpful, but it's funny that that's such a thing, yeah. Is it two ladies or is it a vase? Yeah. And I'd never seen an actual umbrella, cocktail umbrella. I just thought it was a sort of pretend thing from the movies, I guess. There was actually one of those in my glass.

1:12:52It blew my mind. And in order to get one of these, all I had to do was hand in my room key. Wow. So, and also at the end, there was like a huge bill at the end that my dad went understandably berserk. Yeah. Like Home Alone. truly like yeah and then I go you're like jeepers and I like run across the crew but it's just a cruise so I can't go anywhere with the pigeon lady in the bow yeah she's not well is she that pigeon lady no god anyway I'm fleeing the scene also he never asked her to just come up to the room and hang out with his family he's like I hope you have a nice Christmas I hope you have a nice Christmas out here in the cold absolutely awful of him just like see like here's a turtle dove what can I do with this what can I do with this Look at my life.

1:13:36I need a stone Christmas tree decoration right now. I need shelter. I need warmth. You're living in a freaking massive hotel. Kevin, look at my life. Kevin, look at my life. Do you not think I've been ridiculously kind to you during this whole thing? Can you not do one thing for me? Your family are up there opening all the presents from New York's toy shop. Duncan's Toy Shop sent you all the presents. All of them. I obviously helped. Toy Chess. I obviously helped catch those guys I was the person who stopped you from getting shot in the face I've saved your actual life and you've given me this you've given me a dove and then you go back into the hotel and enjoy all the toys with your horrible family who choose to be nice one day of the year and it takes you nearly getting killed for them all to be nice and I'm the one who saved you I'm Brenda Fricker that's her name what a powerful ending she won an Oscar for My Left Foot she's great I saw her on Tommy Tiernan's chat show.

1:14:35It's a great interview if you've got time to watch. It's on YouTube. And she says a story about when she was doing a film with Mike Myers in Ireland and Mike Myers was trying to do a serious film for once. And then she said, let's go back to mine and have a drink or whatever. A few of them go back and they're in her and he's not sitting down. He won't sit down, Mike Myers. Everyone's sat down at the table and he's just stood up and she says, why don't you sit down? And he went, well I thought I'd sit down when we go into the main house and he thought he thought they were in he thought her house was like a reception area a little porch way to the big house oh my god and she had to say Michael this is where I live this is my home I'll sit down Michael look at my life Michael look at my life covered in pigeons all I've got is this turtle I've got a turtle now that some little gig gave me Michael look at my life Michael, look at my life.

1:15:33Look at my life, Michael Myers. I'll sit down when we go into the main house. That's awful. I hope that haunts him. I bet it does. I bet it doesn't. I bet it doesn't because... I've given you both options there, Ben.

1:15:48Allegedly. I've given you options. Yeah. I say everything twice. Everything twice. Yeah, just in case. Makes a decision after we check with Mike Myers so that you always look correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to have Mike Myers on this, actually. I'll bring up that story yeah remember you went to Brenda Frick's house and you thought it wasn't the main house pina colada pina colada you once had a pina colada do you remember when I was on tour in Lincoln and we had a rare tour crossover with you and Nish and we met up in the bar of the hotel which is just like a double tree or something it was like a sort of decent chain hotel it was and you had a pina colada well that's the story yeah but it was just an odd place to get a pina colada and it was like 11 o 'clock at night everyone else had a beer and a wine and you had a full pina colada yeah that's mad is it in a semi budget hotel chain overlooking overlooking Lincoln I think this sounds pretty mad to me because I was honestly like and then you shat yourself or something like I thought it was going to be but that was like I think you would have remembered it's just not a very like you know everyone's having a drink in a hotel bar like one drink and go to bed a pina colada is like if you went do you know what I fancy a bag of candy floss

1:17:00you've identified my main problems even at the time I was like what the fuck you having a pina colada you're like yeah pina colada well this is like when and wrong mashed potato with my chip I think you still had your I seem to remember you still had your coat on as well that's stuck in my mind that your coat was still on anyway all I was doing and I understand that that was a bit of a is that the story but no you completely but also I'm backing you that you do like a pina colada you're not lying another pina colada thank you for backing me but also I think that completely encapsulates my whole problem which is that you're like I'm like what and that's the story is it?

1:17:33because you're like yeah that's insane you should have had a small white wine and go to bed like a normal grown up but I had a full pina colada with my coat on and I was very happy but I can't that's the thing if I see it I'm sorry I have to get it and if I see mashed potato I have to get it I'm literally I went in Rome I've never been I've probably said it on the podcast before when pina coladas had come up but that's what I had to drink on Drunk History because I knew it would be funny. I was like, it'd be funny because they show how much you drunk on the screen. It'd be funny that it comes up that I've had this many pina coladas.

1:18:04So I did that. I had like two jugs of Wetherspoon's pina colada. I've never had pina colada since. Understandably. That's too much. That's a lot. It was insane. It was just for the jokes. It would be on stage saying it. It'd be on the screen saying it. Yeah, you're so committed. That is bad. It was too much. so when I hear it I just go I could never I'm so sorry especially with the daiquiri can I bring you then I brought you an option because I knew that oh thank you plum wine he's not happy at all I'm happier listeners that got a horrible horrible shrug yeah yeah but I'm not delighted there's plum wine can I tell you what's happening in our heads now is we're like we'd love to talk about plum wine there's no time but we we have been recording for an hour and 40 minutes yeah and Benito is like these are upside down that's the nice show that to the camera the notes are upside down upside down I've been constantly referring to these yeah well your dream dessert yes and then Benito can relax I'll go so fast here my dream dessert is a journey with me no it's nothing it's a platter it's just it's greedy yes and a way of game it's multiple desserts but they are one battered Mars bar from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh great great two a banana split but like also a sundae like a sundae but from your imagination like I've never ever had an actual sundae like I imagine an ice cream sundae like a cartoon sundae like a cartoon like a full Tom and Jerry ice cream sundae fantastic banana blueberries cream bits ice cream I found a place and I don't know its name but in Venice when I was going I went to visit some friends who lived there there for four days I think got an ice cream sundae like that and then I just had it again the next day actually I went to the same place and got a different sundae but I was like me and my girlfriend walking around I was like I'm sorry I can't stay away I was like it was so good and it was boozy as well yeah it was this massive humongous boozy ice cream sundae because it was a holiday I ate the whole thing and I was like I just want to go back yeah I've never had one I've ordered it obviously I'm not crazy but it just is like comes in like a sort of coupe glass with like one ball of ice cream I'm like yeah I want Tom and Jerry that's not a Sunday you want Tom and Jerry that's not a Sunday that's a Wednesday you should say to the waiter that's so good I like that yeah I like that one thank you what is this a Wednesday that's really good an ice cream Wednesday that's really good do you like that one James?

1:20:32I'm not sure if you like it or not I really like it but it's like it's imagining you're saying that imagine the response it would get don't you yeah I'd be disappointed Wednesday yeah I would maybe I'd say second draft of that is Monday because everyone hates Mondays I have a Wednesday's hump day that's why I want it Wednesday because Monday would be like horrid it would have to be horrid yeah yeah but like a bit a bit drab and a bit like not enough ice cream and that's a Wednesday right yeah because the thing is they obviously have tried objectively legally that's a Sunday you know that's not that's the thing about Wednesday yeah it's a good joke yeah yeah it's a good joke Monday works too yeah Monday works it all works you're both geniuses I don't know why I'm holding it like I'm 50 years old well because you kind of spiritually are

1:21:21imagine if I just had more in here and the last thing on my three way platter is and this is for the fans so they have somewhere in London if they would like to try it we're leaving three way platter right yeah yeah okay I'm just throwing you open gold you've got to let them scroll past you this is actually torture Tessa carry on okay is this blueberry cheesecake baked blueberry cheesecake with banana ice cream I had from a place called here it comes Ecosesa it is spelled E-C-O-S-E-S-A in Stoke New Jersey that sounds like someone failing to say your name it does and you'd think I would have committed it more because it has a lot of shapes for my full name and it is a tapas restaurant very pleasant great vibes but this dessert mamma mia I have been back since just to have pudding in there it was incredible and I love a cheesecake blueberries, bananas, cheesecake bit of ice cream you cannot go wrong with me.

1:22:16Love it. That sounds great. And that is my menu. And with that, I will pay the bill, tip heavily, and leave the dream restaurant. Fantastic. That does sound really nice. I think the whole thing sounds good. I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. Let's have a little read of your menu. You would like spring water. Is that really in there? From the wiki-waki. Is that in there? You would like warm homemade date bread and butter with salt from Perilla. You would like Keen's Steakhouse Cobb Salad with a dry martini with a twist. You want fish and chips and battered sausage in Colwyn Bay with your family and a creative group of friends after a small quest and Coca-Cola from the original soda fountain when it had cocaine in it.

1:22:57Side dish you want with mashed potato. Drink a pina colada, maybe from the cruise, who knows. Dessert, battered Mars bar from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, banana split sundae and baked blueberry cheesecake with banana ice cream from Echo Sessa. What do you think about that? Sorry, but is that in there? Earlier on, when you said you're amazed by magic, I mean, look, it's so funny watching your mind being blown by that. Okay, because guys, like, that has... I've never watched, I've only ever listened. And I just thought you were handed something. But there's been, in front of us, there's a gold embossed menu that says Dream Restaurant on it, which has been there the whole time, untouched.

1:23:36And James has just picked it up and read from it. Yes. And it had my menu in it. It's a menu. My mind is blown. I've had the time of my life in this dream restaurant. Do I get to know my secret illegal ingredient? No. Okay. But you didn't say it. You didn't say it. Okay. Because otherwise he would have been kicked out. He would have been kicked out. Oh, no, I got through. But we're going to kick you out now. Okay, bye. Bye. Thanks, Tessa. Get the hell out of here, Tessa. Thanks so much for having me.

1:24:06Well, there we are. What a wonderful episode with Tessa Coates. She's fantastic. Didn't pick yoghurt-coated raisins. No. so well done Tessa yes and you should watch Ride or Die Tessa's new show that she has created she was a showrunner I mean so many so many things it's on Amazon Prime Octavia Spencer's in it Hannah Waddenham very excited very proud of Tessa as well yes very proud we've known Tessa for a long time and absolutely deserves every bit of success she gets she's very funny but you've heard you've heard the episode you know she's great you know that she's fantastic I'm on tour I'm very proud of me I deserve every bit of success I have my show's called Fresh Hell yeah Fresh Hell Ed Gamble go and see it .co.uk for tickets he deserves every bit of success he has it stars Hannah Waddingham wow that's cool Tessa also has a podcast which is part of the Plosive family Nobody Panic with Stevie Martin you can listen to all the episodes of that wherever you get your podcasts Stevie Martin has done this podcast of course yes we've had the Nobody Panic we've completed the Nobody Panic we did it crew we did it finally every podcast wants to do that and we're the only one that's done it thank you very much for listening goodbye bye

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1:26:15This is why I have to have my Zeevo flying insect trap. You plug it in and you let it do all the work. It's specially designed blue and UV light attracts the bugs you didn't know you had. And wow, did we have a lot. Like house flies, fruit flies, gnats. And then with Zivo, bam. Next thing you know, the pests are caught in the sticky cartridge and away from your yummy treats without any mess or strong odors. The best part is the design is actually sleek and curved, so it hides the bugs it catches, keeping them out of sight, and when the cartridge is full, you just grab the no mess tab, throw it in the trash, pop in a new cartridge, and then you're done.

1:26:52No mess, no stress. So whether you're hosting a dinner party or spending an afternoon baking treats with all your friends and you want to focus on hosting and not constantly swatting at bugs, Zivo has you covered with 24-7 bug protection. Plug in a Zivo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home.