Tim Key (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

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0:54Uh-oh, it's the Off Menu Podcast. Bonus. Bonus! This is one of the bonus live episodes from the Royal Albert Hall, James, on our run at the Royal Albert Hall.

1:04James Acaster: Record-breaking run. Record-breaking run at the Royal Albert Hall. The record is most amount of times we've been in the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah, no one can take that away from us. Yes. This is Tim Key, of course. Tim Key! Tim Key! Doing a tasting menu. He's been on the pod before. He's back on the pod, receiving the menu of another previous fan favourite guest. This was a fun one, James. As it always is when Tim's in the room. Yes, Tim brings the fun. Everyone knows that about Tim. The key stands for Key to the Funhouse. Key to the Funhouse. Yes, and it's a universal key. Yeah. Skeleton key? Skeleton key.

1:43We've all got skeletons in us. There's so many good titles he could have if he just,

1:47James Acaster: you know. Oh, if he wanted to go down the pun route, he'd never ever run out of stuff. but he's too like he's above that isn't he he is if he just decided he wanted to be for the people he'd have some really good titles he'd have quite the career on his hands yeah he could do a show with his family called Bunch of Keys oh Bunch of Keys they could all stand in a circle yeah key rig look some of the stuff that we say in this episode might not make sense because there was a first half as well so we might be referring back to that at some point or it just might not make sense when we went on and talked to the audience yes some of the things might have not make sense.

2:22It's a fun episode though, James, so let's get on with it. This is the Off Menu Tasting Menu of Tim Kee. Of Tim Kee.

2:39Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast taking the roast dinner of conversation, putting it in the blender of humour, hitting the big red button of chat and serving it all up as just normal prison food.

2:58If you're just listening to this podcast, you wouldn't have heard the opening half. So that prison food was a reference to a hilarious running joke in the first half about the serial killer Ted Bundy. That's a gabble man. He said Ted Bundy at the same time as me as if he was our guest. He walks out. I'll have whatever's good whatever's good he was famously charismatic

3:22James Acaster: so I think he'd be a good guest he'd be a good guest yes yes yes I did a bit of research it was what they normally serve to death row prisoners if they don't request anything steak, eggs, hash browns coffee, orange juice and then he didn't even eat it anyway he didn't eat it? he didn't eat it I guess he probably had everything on his mind I guess I'm about to die that's it Gamble my name is James Acaster together we own your dream desktop and every single week we invite the guests and ask them to pay for ever start a main course to sign a shan drink, not in that order. And this week, it's a tasting menu, and please welcome to the stage, our guest, Tim King!

4:11James Acaster: Hello, Tim. Hello. Right there, Tim. It's Tim Key. Tim Key's here. Tim Key. How are we doing, Tim? Not bad. Is it phones off? Yeah. Phones left in the dressing rooms for us. But, yeah. Phones off, I think. That's on silent. Thank you. Thank you for that. A very respectful podcast guest. Pardon me? What's the last text that you got?

4:41Tim Key: Last text. Hmm. In we go.

4:50It's Tim Vine.

4:52James Acaster: Tim Vine? Tim Vine. And the text says?

5:00Tim Key: Oh, that's amazing. I'll get it. I'll get onto it now. Want to reveal more or should we leave it mysterious? Could be Tim's text like memento.

5:16Tim Key: actually he's put another text after that oh yeah spoke to jobbins and it probably won't actually be on sale till next week well more of those to come throughout the episode

5:30you're excited about this tim you get someone else's menu oh yeah yeah it's it's fantastic to

5:37Tim Key: um you know just sort of be at the albert hall and discuss tessa sanderson starter

5:42James Acaster: very exciting when you came on the podcast originally you chose Chicken Chikuti as your main yeah I did which I had introduced you to and then I saw your film The Ballad of Wallace Island and you had a shout out to Chicken Chikuti in that yeah

6:00Tim Key: I referenced your recommendation to me that must have been a big moment in your year it was huge it really was

6:10James Acaster: He was really excited. We got sent an advanced screening because we were going to interview Carrie Mulligan for it.

6:16Tim Key: Was it advanced?

6:18James Acaster: Yeah. It was advanced. I was watching it at home on my laptop and I had to pause it and tell my partner, I'm pretty sure that's down to me. She wasn't watching it with you? No, I didn't. No interest.

6:30Tim Key: Not a fan. Not a fan. But you brought her in to tell her that your recommendation had got in the movie. Yeah. Okay. She went, that's very nice, dear. Yeah, no, thanks for speaking so warmly about the movie.

6:45Tim Key: It's a lovely movie and we're all very proud of you. Oh, yeah. No, it's an absolute... Well, go down as a classic, I reckon.

6:50James Acaster: Yeah, yeah.

6:53Tim Key: Difficult to say, you know, because we're in the eye of the storm. Go on, what are you going to say? Something about your podcast.

7:02James Acaster: Was I about to say something about my podcast? You'd be within your rights. Yeah, yeah. It will come up, Tim, just to let you know. Oh, come on. Moving forward, once we've started it properly, because we've not started it properly yet, because do you remember James is a genie in this?

7:17Tim Key: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard him talking on a different podcast about it as if it was like a great work of character comedy.

7:27Tim Key: He's talking about it like he was playing Rennie Artois. What podcast was he doing that on? Comedian's Comedian with Stuart Goldsmith. Yeah. Did I talk about being the genie on that? Yeah, you really started dissecting it. that's interesting I didn't know you'd put so much work into the character well I didn't know that I did that I'm going to have to go and listen to this now do you remember what sort of things he was saying I don't remember we can put it on if you like

7:53James Acaster: buy it from everyone I'm really serious about being the G

7:56Tim Key: well what is your view on how you came up with that character now in the cold light of day and then I'll tell you my view yeah and then I'll do mine could fill some questions as well

8:06James Acaster: I guess the view is we were going to do a podcast and I just said to Ed I'm going to be a genie yeah my memory of it was that he just did it on the first episode without asking yeah so then there was no there was no chance of sort of discussing the fact that he was a genie in it no my memory is I had asked and you and Ben had both said no yes so sort of I mean Kaskiladiff really yeah Kaskiladiff

8:31Tim Key: my memory is I've created the next Del Boy well done me

8:35James Acaster: I thought I said I was too because of this podcast

8:37Tim Key: well you do need You do need to get fully into character, James. Here we go. You get to see the process. Oh, he goes over there, does he? Yeah. Oh, does he come out through that bit? He comes out through that bit. But, Tim, do you remember, if you're a fan of... Yeah, sorry. For you guys, that was amazing. James is in the lamp. For you guys, less impressive.

8:58What do people have to do to get genies out of lamps? Do you remember that from your childhood? It's the old rub, isn't it? It's the old rub. Would you care to rub? I'll go and have a rub.

9:07Tim Key: Please.

9:08James Acaster: I'd say this venue's big enough that most of them can see me

9:15oh he's gone round the back this is an unusual method from Tim Key sorry am I rubbing the spout no no no you can rub the back it's dealer's choice I might stroke the spout

9:25Tim Key: oh

9:33James Acaster: welcome Tim Key back to the dream restaurant We'll be expecting you for some time.

9:40Tim Key: Yeah, it doesn't feel exactly like a podcast in the traditional sense. That was pretty good, though, don't you think? Pretty good. That was fantastic. Yeah. You're like a young Christopher Biggins. Thank you.

9:51James Acaster: Not a criticism. No, not a criticism. No, hey, he's one of the greats. I saw him in a lift once.

9:58Tim Key: Keep talking.

9:59James Acaster: It was in, I believe, the Wolverhampton premiere in. Wow. Breakfast. I just had my breakfast. There was one minute to go before breakfast stopped. I was waiting for the lift to go back up to my room. It opened. Biggins there. Just all over the place. Clearly just getting there as late as he could to get breakfast. But clearly it was part of Biggins' normal routine. Didn't get the impression it was the first time he'd done this as a standard for Biggins. It's one minute before breakfast finishes. He's down there.

10:27Tim Key: When I met Biggins, it was in a small restaurant in Wimbledon. And he was about 20 metres away from me. and I heard him crystal clear saying, Christopher Biggins!

10:43Hang on. I do need to dig down into the story slightly. Was he arriving at the restaurant and telling them that he had a booking under the name Christopher Biggins or was he sat down at his table already? It wasn't apropos of nothing.

10:56Tim Key: It wasn't just reminding people. He was shaking someone's hand. Fantastic. Introducing himself. so actually legit yeah it's just the sheer volume Christopher Begins do you go full name when you introduce yourself to people um no yeah it sounds like a bit of a sort of a you know clang name dropping yourself yeah slightly I'll go Tim yeah lovely lovely classic yeah how about you I think I go Ed I think I go Ed but maybe in the sort of business scenario I might go Ed Gamble well yeah please don't ask me what business scenarios I'm talking about. Because I've panicked and said,

11:37James Acaster: have you met Meryl Streep? Have I met Meryl Streep? What if you met Meryl Streep and she said, Meryl Streep? Oh yeah, I'd probably go, I know. Meryl. I can't imagine just saying Meryl.

11:51Tim Key: How do you introduce yourself? Who are you?

11:55James Acaster: Depends if I'm deep in character as the genie or not. If I see Stu Goldsmith, I'll introduce myself as the genie and ask him to refer to me as such throughout the podcast. The genie is... Is the genie just called the genie or is the genie called James Acaster? This is something we've never established. I've never thought about this. I guess the genie is just called the genie. In Aladdin, the genie doesn't have a name that's like a full name. It's not like later on you learn he's called Ollie Stevens or something.

12:24Tim Key: What was the example then?

12:25James Acaster: Ollie Stevens.

12:28Tim Key: But was the genie... No, I think you're right. He wasn't called Ollie Stevens.

12:32James Acaster: that genie in Aladdin is not called Ollie Stevens at any point I mean my friend Ollie Stevens genie's there Craig Simons of course that's a meal gutting way of finding out most people haven't seen my new stand up show

12:55James Acaster: Tim whose menu are you hoping for

12:57Tim Key: oh great a lot of guests on this pod a lot of people you admire you've had some absolute classics on over the years I must say who would I like to be acquainted with Grace Dent

13:12James Acaster: Grace Dent food critic of course so is that your thinking there you just want some of the finest food recommended by a food critic

13:19Tim Key: I did hear Alex Horne's one that wasn't a great menu

13:23James Acaster: yeah that was disgusting we did give that to someone else I don't even know if that menu if that episode's been out yet No, we have given Alex's to someone else. Absolutely disgusting. Yeah, they weren't impressed by it.

13:34Tim Key: Okay, well, let me see. What have I got?

13:37James Acaster: Today, Tim Key, we're giving you the off-menu menu of Nish Chima!

13:46Look at that photo. Holy heckins. Where is he there? Mr Bond. It's got to be the BAFTAs or something, hasn't it? Jesus Christ, Nish. Didn't see him there.

14:01wowzers that is i'd say there's probably one month every five years where nish has trimmed his beard and had a haircut and that that was in that window and fuck me he's sexy

14:11James Acaster: if you can uh uh just google when nish uh hosted the mash report uh during covid the first episode of that is absolutely crazy because he had his yes he had to just do everything himself yeah he He trimmed his own beard, did it wrong, and then had to shave everything off, and he looks insane. I'm surprised Ben didn't use that as a photo. He went with a lovely photo. This is our guest tomorrow here. Oh, is he? So we thought it would be fun. That's a secret, by the way. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gets announced on the day.

14:44Tim Key: Yeah. That goes on the Instagram account, doesn't it? Yeah, it goes on the Instagram account tomorrow. They'll do that in the morning, James. Yeah. it's because everyone sold out apparently now they know it's going yeah but it was sold out in your terms yeah you'll sell 2500 and have 20 in but it feels full with 20 the issue is if if any right wingers have bought tickets they're not going to come tomorrow if they know Nish is on oh that's true all of our right wingers who come

15:17James Acaster: oh no so I've just like thinned out the audience even more yeah gonna play the hard Sorry, scrub it from your minds. Nish isn't here tomorrow. I'm getting bollocked when I come off.

15:31Tim Key: You might as well say which menu he's doing.

15:39I can't remember. Now, Tim, are you excited to maybe be experiencing Nish Kumar's dream menu? I am extremely excited. He loves his food, doesn't he, Nish? He does love his food.

15:51Tim Key: Any lovely memories of Nish that you have? We've had a lot of meals. I once had a meal with him at something called the Lord's Taverners. Do you know that place? Oh, God. Yeah. Do you want to tell us what happened to him? Well, we had a lovely meal. Yeah. And then Nish, I think, was on, like, doing a... He was doing, like, some comedy after the meal. Yeah. No, he got booed off and bread rolled. Yeah. I didn't start it.

16:18James Acaster: I mean, that's not what he claims, to be fair. Yeah. he claims that you walked into the pub afterwards and you said, I'm sorry I threw the bread roll.

16:29Tim Key: I'm sorry I nipped out to the co-op to get them.

16:35James Acaster: We did have a lot of brunches together, me, you and me. We were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival at the same time.

16:40Tim Key: Oh, yeah, brunch club. That's very sweet. Did you call it brunch club?

16:45James Acaster: No, we didn't call ourselves brunch club. We would meet up. it was like Pascoe and David O'Doherty and people like Kearns and whatever we'd get up and have brunch together and we didn't know that there was some more edgy kind of like more hardcore comedians who started calling us brunch club behind our back we were a bunch of them oh yeah but we gave as good as we got yeah we called them the naughty boys you win that one well done another win for brunch club you fucking nerds

17:13Tim Key: they once came and sat with us at brunch and had three tequilas and then left it's true

17:19James Acaster: so bloody naughty there was three of them and here's the real way that you know that we won, at the end of the festival two out of the three got naughty boys tattoos permanent NB NB, well that means something different now so well done that's the traditional spelling, it's non-binary isn't it so those tattoos now they've just completely come out, that's amazing they'll hate that

17:49Tim Key: but they'll have to do it yeah they've got to do it now only two of them did it one of them wasn't actually naughty one of them wasn't naughty well they didn't get the tattoo yeah

17:59James Acaster: yeah yeah not naughty enough someone said who was it but I think they're so naughty they've destroyed their careers and you won't have heard of them yeah that's just that's just someone who wants the goss who was it and they're going to go straight on social media after this and try and get some shit going we're not idiots they're the naughty boys it'd be a fun little game for you you can look online and photos of comedians who you think are naughty and see if they have NB tattoos you've got to find two of them and then you'll know it was done it's a fun little game fun little game it would be fun if they weren't so naughty

18:36Tim Key: they're really naughty

18:37James Acaster: so naughty

18:38Tim Key: they stayed up one time I think they were up to one

18:44that wouldn't have worked for us because of the brunch yeah would you go out and have maybe one drink after your shows and go oh come we must go to bed we got brunch tomorrow i was trying to

18:53Tim Key: recruit them you're trying to get the nbs into well i thought if we can get if we can get them into our fold them into our brunch club that might be good for society your brunch club is sounding more and more christian that's very good tim would lead us in a prayer before brunch

19:11James Acaster: if I would hold hands. Yeah. Now, Tim, you had a large glass bottle of sparkling water with ice and lime and a tap water. Now, you had a water wheel. Remember that?

19:24Tim Key: I had a sparkling water wheel.

19:25James Acaster: Yeah. In your restaurant?

19:26Tim Key: In my restaurant, yeah. Well, the thing is, the great thing about the format is you can just have anything. Yes. Yeah. Within the still or sparkling. Because the genie, you said this to Stuart on... LAUGHTER

19:39James Acaster: When you got here, you said, I listened to that episode recently. I thought, that's weird. I did that a long time ago. I wonder why Tim's just listened to it, and now I know exactly why you've just listened to it. It's to use it as an ammo.

19:53Tim Key: Yeah, they're like, listen to a couple of these tasting menu ones, and listen back to your own one. I thought, no. I listened to three or four of James sort of really getting into his craft, talking to different interviewers. I learnt a lot about you yeah mental health yeah I'm not wrong am I mental health James has mental health yeah I have mental health I'm one of the few comics who has it do you know have you heard I've heard a lot of that chat recently of people saying that someone has mental health yes yes but they mean it to be like someone struggling with their mental health they'll go like no he's got mental health yes

20:32James Acaster: well it's usually by people who really really wanted to make it clear that they do not have mental health yeah i met somebody who has mental health the other day not me i'm absolutely fine no you weren't doing that no i wasn't doing that

20:46Tim Key: probably told me about being sad was i no no it was like when i first got here tonight i said it's really interesting and i was like i got a lot out of it yeah but when you said that i went

20:57James Acaster: i know you did that but you can't criticize me for what your reaction is to what i was saying

21:01Tim Key: it's true I listened to it and I got a lot out of it yeah because we do the same job and you kind of you know it's interesting to see how other people are getting through it because it's not plain sailing well do you disagree with it you're laughing but do you disagree with that

21:15James Acaster: I don't trust you when you're being sincere at all this is all going somewhere it's building up to something it's not going anywhere

21:23Tim Key: I'm just I'm terribly sorry you've got mental health and you're a fantastic listen anyway Nish had still water we should say should we say at the top that this was actually Nish did a Christmas special so this is Nish's Christmas menu that is quite Christmasy isn't it was it still you should have guessed from the still water but this is Nish's Christmas menu still water I hate still water do you hate still water no I don't hate it that's putting words in my mouth

22:08I just prefer the odd bubble, if pos. Do you not? I mean, not day to day. I wouldn't like the odd bubble just with my first drink of the day, maybe. So your first drink of the day, is that water? Water or coffee, I would say.

22:22James Acaster: Ideally, water. He has two cups of coffee straight away. He can't speak to anyone until he's had two cups. Yeah.

22:27Tim Key: I go too early. one in the bath, one with my breakfast. Coffee in the bath? Oh, well, yeah.

22:36James Acaster: For a long time, I thought all of Tim's stuff about... Because Tim had a whole show about, you know, being in the bath. They'll know that. And...

22:46Tim Key: That's what I say. That's what I say. This chap played... I don't know. Carry on. Couldn't think of any examples. Go on.

22:54James Acaster: But I remember around that time... Yeah. you know we'd be doing gigs or whatever i say what you up to today tim before i gig the season and you go i'm gonna have five baths and then i'm gonna turn up at the venue and i thought that's funny but you weren't lying you were having so many baths and once we were in a hotel and uh you had run a bath and then forgot about it and it flooded your hotel room yeah and instead of immediately calling the reception desk you thought it was so funny that you filmed your bath over running for a while and had footage of it on your phone while you're laughing like a maniac.

23:29Tim Key: No recollection of that at all. But I do think that should be the format of a chat show, is you just telling me anecdotes that might have happened to me. Oh, this is James' interview style. Yeah, it's brilliant. I don't remember that. Did I overflow the bath?

23:42James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. It was another Melbourne story. Tim, I've got a bath anecdote about you. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, I'd like to hear another anecdote about me. It came up when me, you, Alex Horne and one of Alex Horne's sons went for one of the great curries in Edinburgh. Fantastic. A lovely meal. And Alex Horne and his son were staying at your flat in Edinburgh. And when they'd arrived, you'd given them the key and they went into the flat. You're living in a big flat in Edinburgh that had two bedrooms and two bathrooms. I don't like any of this stuff. They went in and you went in the flat, but both beds had been slept in and both baths were full.

24:23Tim Key: Yeah, it's a bit of a Goldilocks, isn't it?

24:29Tim Key: You know, there's a lot of restaurants where in the kitchen there's one sink where you wash the stuff up and one where you rinse it.

24:38Tim Key: So you're scrubbing in one? Well, you're forgetting about the Japanese. They have a shower, then a bath. I never forget about the Japanese. I know you don't. Yeah. No, you're very good with the Japanese.

24:49I like the insinuation there. Yeah. But the baths in Japan, the public baths, the onsen, you do have to really wash yourself down. Did you go in an onsen when you were in Japan, James? No way. Because you've got to go butt-naked. I know. I went to the onsen. Did you? And they make you proper scrub, and they've got little stools in front of mirrors where you have to wash yourself. And some of these lads are going to town for 40 minutes scrubbing themselves. Do they have a pummel horse there?

25:18Tim Key: Well, of course, in China, we went to a we went to a bath and well actually the the guy who directed our film he was in there and yeah they were cleaning him pretty hard and well anyway they hosed well anyway well anyway I'll get to the point a jet of water was fired at his arsehole and it hit me in the face But he did a great job on the film.

25:54James Acaster: That's Wallace Island?

25:55Tim Key: That's Wallace Island, yeah. Yeah, James Griffiths. Fantastic director. But shouldn't link him to that anecdote. Yeah.

26:03Tim Key: You want to even do the...

26:04James Acaster: Poppadon's in the Kingfisher, Tim. Poppadon's in the Kingfisher, yeah. Nish has chosen... Poppadon! Yay! So happy days! Fantastic. And of course, it's become legend on the podcast that you always, when you're in a curry house, like to smash, say, shall I be mother? And smash the papadoms with your hand?

26:24Tim Key: Yeah, fiction. That's true. Fiction. That's what you do. No, I do now, but that's because I have to, to fit in with my myth. Ah. Yeah, it is R, actually. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Because when I came on that podcast, again, it's this sort of... This podcast. This one. This podcast, yeah. Yeah. In the Albert Hall. Yeah, but I come on that podcast and then I'm told I do various things. That was the format. I don't know if you've tweaked it. No, no. I think we told you two bath anecdotes that you don't remember. But you're telling me that I go and I... Do I karate chop them? You say, shall I be mother?

27:05Tim Key: Yeah, smash. And then you hit the poppadoms, either flat palmed

27:07James Acaster: or however you want to do it.

27:08Tim Key: Yeah, which I've done ever since. Yeah. Yeah, but not before. Who's to say? So I came on and basically what happened was I met you two for an hour and then I left with a new personality. It's done very well for you. You've got a film. You've got a film out of it. Yeah, I don't think I've got the film entirely out of the Poppadom stuff. Chicken Chacuti. Chicken Chacuti. Chicken Chacuti. And I usually do take a stack of Poppadoms to meetings.

27:33James Acaster: Well, good news, Tim.

27:34Tim Key: What's under there, by the way?

27:35James Acaster: Yeah. Well, Tim, Benito very proudly walked into our dressing room and said, it's Shall I Be Mother's Day.

27:48And he wants everyone to know that's his joke.

27:52Tim Key: I was just about to do it. You were about to do it? That joke, yeah. Were you? Yeah. Sorry, mate. How are you feeling now? Same as before.

28:02Tim Key: So am I going to put the old... I almost put the old heel through just now. No, no. Please don't. That's Shallowby Daddy.

28:11Tim Key: Okay, so you want me to put the old palm through? I think so. You have to say Shallowby Mother first. Oh, I know what I have to say, because that's my personality you've given me. Well, this is for all you wonderful mothers out there.

28:32Fucking hell. Absolutely exceptional. You have reduced the middle of those to absolute dust, Tim. I would argue increased. Yeah. Oh, man.

28:44Tim Key: Yeah. Absolutely delicious. They are nice. It's nice food, isn't it? Yeah, I'm getting some of them.

28:54Look at that. That's a strong palm, Timkey. I thought we were saving that for the end of the episode, but there we go, it's done now. Oh, is that what we were meant to do? Probably, yeah, yeah.

29:07Tim Key: Can your team not sort of piece them back together so we have another crack at them? Bernito!

29:13James Acaster: I'm going to be in so much trouble after this. I've given away tomorrow's guest. Yeah. And now I did the poppadoms too early. Who's tomorrow's guest again? Nish. Nish. Can't help it, Benito. I've got mental health.

29:29James Acaster: And you've got... That's Kingfisher you're drinking, isn't it? This is Kingfisher, yeah. So this is your dream right now. How's it feel to be living your dream?

29:37Tim Key: It feels fantastic. Genuinely. I'm very happy here. I did come here once before. Did you? To the Albert Hall? Yeah. What were you doing? Watching stuff. What were you watching, Tim? Thank you.

29:54I'm going to make a call on the poppadoms. Eat them off, Mike.

30:01Okay.

30:06Good call.

30:11Right. Tim threw the crumbs back in that pile,

30:13James Acaster: so no one else have any crumbs. No one's going near them. At the end of this, some horny fan is going to rush the stage and stick their face in that. Tim, I don't know how you've managed it, but you brushed some poppadoms off and now they've all collected in your dick. You look like you're waiting for the birds to arrive. You're like a horny version of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. Well, a.k.a. just the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.

30:45Tim Key: Brenda Fricker.

30:46James Acaster: Brenda Fricker, yes. Shows the respect.

30:49Tim Key: Oh, Brenda Fricker.

30:50James Acaster: Brenda Fricker. From Casualty.

30:52Tim Key: Not from Casualty. My Left Foot. I thought it was Gene Boat. Was it not?

30:58James Acaster: Brenda Fricker.

30:59Tim Key: Brenda Fricker.

31:00James Acaster: She won an Oscar for My Left Foot. She had a film with Mike Myers, a.k.a. Shrek.

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31:51James Acaster: You want baked camembert for your starter? Oh, what? Baked camembert? Oh, I love baking. Please don't have your mouth full when you read out the courses. Sorry.

32:03Tim Key: Are you too cool? You might need to talk a little bit. Yeah, we're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are cool. Lots of mic. Right, let me tell, I'll take over this bit. There you go, let's... Do you two want to just chill and I'll just read questions to myself?

32:17Tim, you wanted baked camembert with fresh baguette. Yeah. I don't know how this is going to fly now. Times have changed. Israeli French red wine.

32:28I was going to skip that bit. I wasn't. I think it's interesting. it's because you brought me a bottle of wine during lockdown, didn't you?

32:40Tim Key: Oh, yeah. I was like Amelie during lockdown. Just constantly sort of, you know, helping people out. You were on your bicycle most of the time, weren't you? I was on my bicycle, yeah. Dropping off wine in people's houses and baguettes and stuff. Because it was a difficult time, wasn't it? Hang on a second, yeah. Baked Camembert you had. Yeah, I went to a wine merchant. Yes, you did. And actually got a recommendation and then placed it outside your door. Yes, you did. And was it nice? it was actually I seem to remember it was alright it was certainly better than the other bottle of red wine you bought me which was Indian red wine that tasted like a burnt tyre and I tasted that I tasted that and filmed a video of myself tasting it and put it online yeah you like buying me little gifts don't you Tim yeah there's no shame in it there's no shame in it I think maybe over the course of the last six or seven years you've sent me four belts

33:29James Acaster: you've never sent me anything

33:33Tim Key: me and Tim have a little to and fro I did actually lose a belt once and just messaged you with a belt emoji and got one two days later for me

33:42James Acaster: that's nice yeah

33:44Tim Key: it's nice that sort of thing don't you think I think it's lovely are you wearing one of mine at the moment I was going to put it on this morning and then I realised I had to do another show this afternoon so perfect use the belt twice what's the issue with my belt well it's a white belt with Right, like most decent belts. It says Ed across it. Which last time I checked, here's your name. And it's a dolphin belt buckle. Not a problem. I see that as four green tick emojis. So what belt have you got on them? What's this wonderful belt you're wearing? Just that one. Just that one, is it? It says eat dust.

34:27It says what? Eat dust. We are doing that to be fixed. If you wore that belt, it would look seriously threatening right now, Tim.

34:39Tim Key: So it doesn't say eat dust off your dick, then? No, no, no. It's implied with your dick knocking around. Are you ready to take over the menu again, Jeannie? You don't like doing it, do you? No, I can do it. You wanted the baked camembert. Saw your fucking format out.

34:58But you'll not be having the baked Camembert because you're having the menu of Nish Kumar and Nish Kumar wanted lamb kebab from the owl and the pussycat in Leicester.

35:07Tim Key: What's the owl and the pussycat? It's a pub in Leicester that out the back had a little shack that did kebabs that Nish and his family used to go to and that's what he wants for his Christmas starter. Can you put it back up there please, Benito? I do like to see what I'm discussing Not always.

35:25James Acaster: But Benito doesn't want to do it because he wants people to be able to see us on the screen.

35:30Tim Key: Well, hang on a minute. What is the hierarchy here?

35:35James Acaster: I'm behind you. Whatever you want, he should do it.

35:38Tim Key: I've just told you what I want.

35:40James Acaster: Yep. This is...

35:45Tim Key: When the bit of menu comes up that we're discussing, let me get a head of steam before you take it down. Right? That's what I want.

35:57When's this head of steam coming, Tim?

36:07Tim Key: Well, I think that's fantastic. I love that sort of thing. A lamb kebab is fantastic. I've had, well, I suppose it's a case of guessing, how many kebabs have I had in the last three days?

36:19Tim Key: Three. Four. Four is enormous. Well, there's only two ways I could go. Now, let me think. God, now you're asking. No. Definitely not asking, Tim. Actually not.

36:35James Acaster: You did. Yeah, you asked that. It's one. One. Okay. So three days ago you had a cabal.

36:44Tim Key: Might have been four. Thursday, I think. Yeah, yeah. So looking back on it, do you think that was a good question you asked there? Well, let's go through your questions then, shall we?

36:57Tim Key: No, I had one on Thursday and... Where from? From, I think it's called Kebab House. Oh, it sounds lovely. What's your go to, kebab? Mixed on chips. So, no kebab to be seen, per se. It's meat on the chips. Meat on the chips. Salad. Lamb and chicken? What do you think I'm fucking mixing? I don't know. Swordfish and chickpeas? Are you serious? Put some more poppadoms in your mouth. Yeah. That was a pretty stupid question. What's he talking about, anyway? Yeah, I don't know, man. I'm sorry. Well, the last two kebabs I've had, both times they've doubled it to a large kebab when I've said small, and last time I got a pizza, which was on Friday, they gave me two pizzas instead of one.

37:47James Acaster: Right.

37:48Tim Key: I don't know what they're looking at when I go into that shop. Was it the same pizza twice?

37:58Is it from Is the pizza from Kebab House as well Tim? No the pizza isn't from Kebab House

38:03Tim Key: What do you think I am? I don't know you're already going to Kebab House It's from the little pizza place next door Pizza House Where does attitude come in from? I don't know where the attitude is coming from Truth be told I think it's ever since the There was a turning point when I hit the pizza Not the pizza You get the idea Nature's pizza The ultimate pizza Have you ever shall I be mothered a pizza? That might be interesting Have I ever shall I be mothered a pizza? Are you asking Jess Phillips that?

38:33James Acaster: I saw him do it I saw him shall I be mothered a pizza

38:35Tim Key: I've never shall I be mothered a pizza

38:36James Acaster: Yeah, actually you do do that

38:38Tim Key: Why am I on some radio show somewhere Where everyone's asking me whether I shall I be mothered a pizza?

38:44James Acaster: You do do that You do do that

38:46Tim Key: If you two cut that sort of stuff out of your game You could get your win coming on when you hit the pizza you say shall I be mama I've literally I've not shall I be mother to pizza yeah and then you say me and mama that pizza yeah that's what you say what I would concede is I have shall I be mother to pie yeah and it was with like a mixture of like friends and some adults and it didn't go down very well it was one of those classic friends and adults situation where you can't please everyone. I like that you make a distinction between friends and adults. That's a shame, isn't it? Yeah. But I know what you mean.

39:28Tim Key: Well, yeah, you know what I mean when I say some gravy went on Alex Horner's dad's neck.

39:36James Acaster: I know. Your side dish... Oh, no, main course.

39:41Tim Key: That's my main course next?

39:42James Acaster: Your main course was a chicken...

39:43Tim Key: Well, first of all, full marks to that starter from Nish. You loved it. Yeah, lovely. Chicken chikuti for your main, of course. Chicken jacuti for the main course has to be.

39:49James Acaster: But Nish, this is what you're getting, is Christmas goose with Coke-soaked ham. Ooh. A little bit of a different reaction. Now, should I say that for Nish, it was the first Christmas menu... I'm just taking it in. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you walked into that, James. All right, take it down, Benito. It was the first Christmas menu we did, and normally now we get people on for the Christmas specials, and they do their actual dream menu and a little bonus Christmas course, whereas Nish, it's the first one we ever did. Yeah. And we just went, your main has to be a Christmas one. Entire Christmas menu.

40:26Tim Key: I really don't think there's any shame in that at all. I don't know where you're beating yourself up out of that. It's a Christmas episode and you're a food show and you've gone for Christmas food for his menu.

40:35James Acaster: Yeah.

40:35Tim Key: Yeah, so don't be down on yourselves. I don't think we were being down on ourselves. Well, you weren't being up on yourselves, Ed. Do you want me to do two anecdotes about that dish or not?

40:50Tim Key: more than anything i would love it well um i cooked goose for my parents when they came for christmas dinner yeah yeah um well anyway long story short that caught fire um and then what i would say is the the um the ham in coke yeah i've never had it sounds interesting though doesn't it sounds good are those your two anecdotes about those things by by the way. Because one of them, I would say, if you're on a podcast, never use the phrase long story short. And then the second anecdote was you've never had it. Were those the two things? Sorry, did I say I finished the second anecdote? Well, the point being, I'm on, we make the film and there's a scene where, if you've seen this film,

41:37James Acaster: Ballad of,

41:38Tim Key: Ballad of, yeah.

41:39James Acaster: We're not talking about Mickey 17. Why? Because you were in that as a pigeon. You were in that.

41:43Tim Key: I was in that, yeah. Not as a pigeon.

41:45James Acaster: You're dressed as a pigeon. I was dressed as a pigeon. For the whole thing.

41:47Tim Key: What, did they hoodwink you and you thought I was a pigeon? You're a very good actor. Very deep in character work. It was... Very good actor. James picked up some tips for the genie. Well, anyway, it's not an anecdote. I don't think... Well, I've lost faith in it anyway. That's the point I'd like to make. But, yeah, we cooked a ham in Coke in that film, and then that scene was cut. So, I don't know, you tell me. It's fingers on buzzers, really. Is that an anecdote? It's not far off. I said some stuff. What happened in the scene? Convivial. It's like a moment where everyone's having a great time, apart from Tom Basden's character, who's having a miserable time because he's in a bit of a pickle.

42:27Tim Key: And I think it's a good scene. But, you know, sometimes, you know, if you make a film, you've got to have your eyes on the bigger picture. Yes. Which is, you know, get to certain places at the right time. And it slowed us down. But it was a very fun scene. do you think that'll make the final episode

42:45James Acaster: imagine if that anecdote gets cut from this episode then you've just got to maybe accept that Coke and Ham is not your forte I do accept that it's never going to work for you

42:59Tim Key: I really accept it, of course have you had goose? I have had goose I've had goose once but my dad had cooked goose for his Christmas day and I didn't spend Christmas day with him and I went over to his in the morning and my breakfast was picking cold goose off the carcass. So, yeah, I have had goose, actually. You were picking cold goose off the carcass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Christmas Day? No, Boxing Day. Boxing Day. Again, not really an anecdote. When it is quiet, it does feel very quiet, this room. Well, it's because it's designed for, you know, classical music and opera and all that sort of stuff.

43:35So, you know, the silence is our pin drop.

43:38James Acaster: Yeah, we've learned that the hard way, but it's like the third day now. We've got pretty used to it. I'd say we're too comfortable in this room.

43:49James Acaster: Your dad had a feud with a goose.

43:51Tim Key: My dad what?

43:52James Acaster: I've just remembered it's a swan.

43:54Tim Key: Oh, yeah. I saw my dad today. Bill Key. Yeah. What's a Tim Key Christmas like? What are you eating on Christmas? Turkey. Lovely. Yeah. I mean, what did you expect from that question? Well, I don't know. Do you have any traditions? Do you eat something specific in the morning? Who are you spending it with? Are you cooking? Well, last Christmas I spent with maybe 35 people. Wow. Yeah.

44:20James Acaster: Huh?

44:21Tim Key: Huh? Is that your question? I guess the question is why? Why? It's my brother's side's extended family, which goes far and wide. Wow. And it's the first time I'd spent Christmas with them, and it was absolutely fantastic. Loved it.

44:41James Acaster: What was special about it?

44:43Tim Key: Well, I mean, like, the warmth.

44:47James Acaster: Like, literally? It's just warmer because there was 35 of you in the house.

44:54Tim Key: It's very multi-generational and just a lot of love in their family. Honestly, I felt very humbled to be in that side of the family.

45:04Tim Key: Listen to that. Just listen to your audience sometimes.

45:07James Acaster: I just can't imagine you there on Christmas Day just earnestly feeling

45:12Tim Key: it wasn't earnest it was like a proper laugh there's one bit where everyone had a bell and you had to like play the bells at a certain time what's so good about your Christmas then?

45:25Tim Key: park run we did a park run what? 35 of you? no about 8 of us did a park run and also it was flooded so that anecdote doesn't really take off either why were people ringing bells family tradition you can't have it both ways you can't ask me about these traditions and then I give you one and you say what's that about I think you can, it's called continuing the conversation please for God's sake don't describe to me what a conversation is everyone has a bell and then you ring it at the same not at the same time but you ring it when it comes up it's like karaoke so you see these little balls come up and when your red ball comes up and you've got a red bell, you go like that and you create a song.

46:07Tim Key: And, you know, it's sort of... Some of them are like sort of old-school sort of carols and things, and then sometimes they're something a bit more jazzy, like pop music. That sounds lovely. It's not bad, yeah.

46:16James Acaster: OK. So is it... That's a game you can buy in the shop, is it? Or they've made the video. They've bought that game, and it's a game they like to play, or they've made the video themselves as a family tradition. Yeah. Yeah.

46:37Tim Key: That's a game you can buy in the shop. What, are you thinking of buying it? Do you want to put a link to it? I'd love it. That's a decent game. You'd love it. I'd love that game. Where did you spend your last Christmas? How many people were there? Well, okay. I'm not talking to you, Ed! Do imagine the bell game being played at James' last Christmas. Let's hear it, James. Me and my girlfriend and four cats. Did the cats have hands? Yeah, the cats have got paws. I think you could do something with duct tape, can't you?

47:13James Acaster: Yeah. One of them's got no hair, so it wouldn't even hurt him.

47:19Tim Key: One of the cats, yeah?

47:20James Acaster: Yeah, one of the cats.

47:24Tim Key: So my dad was... He's a great river man.

47:29James Acaster: Yeah.

47:30Tim Key: Yeah. so and he's like he rows and stuff so he's like the president of the rowing association in his town nice yeah and then there's a just keeping it bobbing along Tim don't worry about me there's a swan there's a swan on the river and the swan is being antisocial it doesn't it doesn't know that but it's it's slightly being it's well You tell me. It's attacking the rowers. Or, in other news, defending its nest.

48:09Tim Key: So then it gets into the local paper and then... Gets a nickname? The swan gets a nickname, yeah. Yeah, the swan is called Asbo.

48:20James Acaster: Classic.

48:21Tim Key: Yeah. And then there's a... My dad gets invited to go on the Jeremy Vine radio show on Radio 2. You know how they get sometimes two people with different viewpoints to discuss something? Oh, no. So, in the blue corner, Bill Key. In the red corner, an environmentalist well within his rights.

48:47Tim Key: I'm in Melbourne at the time, at the comedy festival. I'm hanging out with Tim Vine, and we finish down the pub, go back to the hotel get a couple of beers and listen to his brother basically handing my dad his arsehole

49:12night night Tim

49:14Tim Key: night Tim

49:19James Acaster: for your side dish my what

49:21Tim Key: my what sorry

49:22James Acaster: your side dish your Rome artichoke well don't shout

49:25Tim Key: I've not got corn cobs in my ears. What did you say? The artichoke you had in Rome. The artichokes I had in Rome, yeah.

49:30James Acaster: Remember those? You liked those? Yeah, I have. You wanted a boomeretti and an Italian cigarette with that?

49:35Tim Key: Yeah, it was a different era. I don't smoke anymore.

49:38James Acaster: No? No. Fucking hell. How much did they have to cut out of Norton? What? How much was edited out of that Graham Norton interview you did? Tim was on best behaviour on Graham Norton. I was on best behaviour. you.

49:54Tim Key: I was being, to be fair, if you brought Kerry Mulligan in with me, I'd be much more composed. You actually had roast potatoes. Oh! Yeah. What a great format. That's in my top three potatoes, I would say.

50:10James Acaster: That's staying up until you ask for it down.

50:12Tim Key: Roast potatoes and then mashed potatoes has to be in there at number one. At number one for mashed? Number one is mashed potatoes. Okay. Number two is roast potatoes. Yeah. And number three, why not? The dear old potato salad. Give it some air time.

50:28James Acaster: Wow. A lot of controversy here in the Albert Hall. One person... Why do you think I said it?

50:35Tim Key: For the clown. A court controversy. Yeah, potato salad. What, you've got a problem with that? I wouldn't put mashed potatoes in. What's the one where you slice the potatoes and then there's cream and cheese and things? Potato dauphinoise. I'll take that.

50:47James Acaster: Yeah, I think that's a good choice. That's in my top three. Is that number three? What? It's potato dauphinoise number three. Yeah. Ben's took the slide down without you telling him he was allowed to.

51:03Tim Key: Yeah, it would go roast potatoes, number two. Mashed potatoes, number one. Yeah. And then potato dauphinoise, number three. I think you'd enjoy... Have you ever had a potato boulangère, Tim? Do I look like I've had one? Thinly sliced potatoes à la dauphinoise. but with onion and then stock. So it all cooks together and it's like oniony, stocky potato. Come on. That sounds delicious. Yeah, you'd like that, I think. Yeah, what's it called again? Potato boulanger, baker's potatoes because when they were first invented, it would be the bakeries would heat the ovens up to do the bread. And then when they turned the ovens off, it took a long time for the ovens to cool down.

51:41So people from all around the village would bring their potatoes and put them in the oven to cook in the slowly cooling ovens. Fantastic. Thank you.

51:49Tim Key: My favourite phrase in there was All around the village But it was all pretty strong Thank you It does sound like a delicious dish What would you have that with? Lamb And Chicken Together at last Chicken Together at last

52:10Tim Key: That's right That's why I had my mixed donner on Potato boulanger Yeah I couldn't remember how to say it But yeah Potato boulanger Hello Hello, how are you?

52:21James Acaster: I liked all the way through Tim saying his top three potatoes before he'd done number three. But throughout the whole thing, someone on the front row, I don't know who it was, I wasn't looking, kept going, hash browns. Hash browns.

52:34Tim Key: Hash browns. Hash browns. Hash browns. I'm on tour at the moment. How many hash browns do you think I've had in the last three days? Okay. I mean, if I know you,

52:46James Acaster: you're having a fry-up every morning, You're having two to three hash browns a morning. So I'm going to say seven.

52:56Tim Key: Zero. Someone's not been reading my tour rules. I don't have cooked breakfasts on my tour. You're having a coffee in the bath. I'd imagine that's keeping you going for a bit. Yeah, I'm trying to read Pride and Prejudice. In the bath? Yeah. How's that going?

53:14James Acaster: Not great. It's a bit boring. Sorry. I wonder if one day someone will write a book about the Royal Albert Hall and all the shows that have been on here. And at some point they'll say, the lowest moment was when a guest said to another host, guess how many hash browns I've had in the last three days. They said seven, and they went, none.

53:43Tim Key: Well, we'd have to have a look at who else has performed here. yesterday I had a slice of toast a poached egg where when he got the poached egg out because it was at one of those stations where he's like a bit of a well done us station and he's pulling out this poached egg and he cuts the poached egg to get rid of the tail yeah what exactly do you want from me this is great I loved hearing about the tail on a poached egg I've never heard it described like that before. I thought that is like right on message. That's talking about food. Yeah. But then so why have you stopped halfway through and said, what do you want from me?

54:23We're enjoying it. We're fucking listening to you. Cut the tail off the poached egg. I smiled. I was like, that's a lovely way of doing it. Very poetic from Tim Key. I've never seen the smile before.

54:31Tim Key: I wasn't sure what it was. I was enjoying it. And then you panic on me. He cuts the tail off the poached egg. We're straight back in. Let's go. Yeah. And then I have that with, well, I get some butter and I put that on the toast whilst I'm getting the rest of the stuff so that can melt within its parcel. Lovely. Then I get one sausage. Yeah. And then I get one spoonful of baked beans, but it was not thick enough. The baked bean sauce wasn't thick enough because I think everyone had been doing the same as me, just trying to, like, skim off the beans. Right, okay. And not take the juice. Yeah. And this was about 9.45.

55:04Tim Key: So you're eating at Biggins time here. I'm what? You're eating at Biggins time. I don't know why you're shouting at me.

55:14James Acaster: It's like visiting our granddad in the old folks' home, and we don't know from one question to the next who's going to respond to us. This is exactly what... What do you want from me? Who's been skimming the beans off the top?

55:29Tim Key: Small bowl of grapefruit segments and two orange juices. Is this what you're having every morning on tour, Tim? Yeah. All right, well, I've got news for you. That's a fucking cooked breakfast, mate. That's not a cooked breakfast. that's not a cooked breakfast. You're having egg, beans, toast and sausage, you maniac. Point to the mushrooms. Point to the fried egg. It doesn't matter that those things are not on there. It's still a cooked breakfast. Point to the bacon. I don't need to point to the bacon. It's a cooked breakfast. It's breakfast foods that have been cooked. You're not pointing to the bacon because you can't point to the bacon.

56:04Tim Key: I don't need to point to the bacon. Because there's none on my plate. And you conveniently forget the six grapefruit segments, you Wally. Excuse my French.

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56:57James Acaster: So you had a different drink with every course, Tim, when you did it. Yeah. Nish just did his dream drink, which was Malbec.

57:05Tim Key: Wine. Yeah.

57:08James Acaster: Yeah, the wine. Sorry.

57:10Tim Key: Yeah, wine. My mum had a Pinot Grigio at lunch. Today? Today. Yeah. Because you took your mum out for Mother's Day today? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I can't work out who the enemy is on this podcast anymore.

57:26James Acaster: You chuck out a detail. There doesn't have to be an enemy, does there? You chuck out a detail we've not asked about. You go, my mum had a Pinot Grigio today. And you look at both of us like, I dare you to ask me a follow-up.

57:40James Acaster: I'm going through my head of all the follow-up questions I could ask. All of them are going to get you being like,

57:46Tim Key: what's your fucking problem? No, that's a misrepresentation. No, she had a... Where did you go for lunch? My local pub. Lovely. Yeah. And she had fish and chips, finished it all. And...

58:05Tim Key: Well done, mum. Pinot Grigio. And pudding. Yeah. Diabetic. No offence, but... Do you think I get offended by other diabetics? Type one, type two? Spit the diff. She shouldn't be doing what she's doing, let's put it that way.

58:32Tim Key: She takes the sugar off a donut before she eats it. Scrape or lick? Lick. Yeah.

58:50James Acaster: We arrive at the dessert, Tim.

58:52Tim Key: We arrive at the dessert. Love that phrase. We arrive at the dessert.

58:56James Acaster: You wanted to eat around a banoffee pie.

58:59Tim Key: Well, the issue there is, my favourite dessert is the banoffee pie. I'm my father's son. And it has, it traditionally has cream and I don't like cream. So I would still get the banoffee pie but I'll eat around the cream.

59:16James Acaster: Got you. Yes. Yeah, great. Would you consider getting your mum to lick the cream off your banoffee pie? Why would you do this to both of us?

59:29James Acaster: We're dead.

59:35Tim Key: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't like to see how the sausages are made, but if she... If she brings me a banoffee pie and the cream's not there, I'm not asking whether she's licked it off. Ask no questions, hear no lies. I can't be asking my mother every time I see something's been removed whether she's licked it off.

1:00:02Tim Key: We've got rid of some of your children's books. Did you lick them out?

1:00:09It's a wonderful Mother's Day episode, this, I think. Well, it's not a Mother's Day episode, is it?

1:00:14James Acaster: Isn't it?

1:00:16Tim Key: Well, you tell me. Right now it is. Yeah, it is now, yeah. As we speak. Yeah. Will it go out earlier today?

1:00:26James Acaster: Maybe next Mother's Day. Of course, maybe next Mother's Day. Let's not rule that out.

1:00:30Tim Key: I don't think we can rule anything out at this stage. No. All options are on the table.

1:00:34James Acaster: Nish, for his dream dessert, wanted the peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye. This was a big deal, Tim, because...

1:00:41Tim Key: I know what a cobbler is. Go on. What do you know? Yes, I'm the host of this podcast. Co-host. Grow up. Fair. Fair. That's the beauty of you two. Yeah? Yeah, I don't think one of you could do it. No, that's... I mean, they laugh. These guys don't know anything. What I'm saying is, it wouldn't be the same, would it? No. No. So a cobbler... Well, as far as I can understand... Well, I only know this because my godson ordered a cobbler in Manchester on Saturday. And what I think a cobbler is anyway, is food with, like, a roof on it. Or pie without walls. Is it? Is it? I don't... No. No, I think it would be, it's similar to a crumble, but rather than a crumble topping, it's more of a sort of baked topping, more of like a pastry topping.

1:01:40Tim Key: So I didn't know? Well, no, I mean, I think you did know. I think you were honing in on what a cobbler was, but you stopped at food with a roof on it. That's sad, isn't it? That could be a lot of things, food with a roof on it. That could be a restaurant, couldn't it? I'd argue that most restaurants have walls. I think you're describing a cuisine gazebo. Sorry, I always do that.

1:02:06James Acaster: Gazebo. A quizibo. You said a cuisine gazebo, and I said a quizibo.

1:02:13Tim Key: And I'm all for that. How quickly did you say it, right after I'd said my thing?

1:02:20James Acaster: So Nish ordered this. The reason why this was important to Nish is because Jackson and Rye had stopped doing the peach cobbler. So he wanted to launch a campaign on the podcast to bring back Kumar's cobbler.

1:02:34Tim Key: Yeah. I've done that before. Yeah? Yeah. Dare I ask you to elaborate?

1:02:45Tim Key: Well, they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And I... Who did?

1:02:56Tim Key: You know, the tea guys. Harrogate. Harrogate tea? I don't know. Is there one called Harrogate? The tea rooms in Harrogate? What? The tea rooms in Harrogate? No, there's a company that make tea. Excuse me? Taylor. Taylor's. Yeah. Taylor's. So they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And that was my favourite. And I either, can't remember, but I either emailed or certainly was going to. And anyway, but the point being, I think they do it again. Well, they definitely do like a Blackberry one now. So I'm quite aware of what Nish is up to. Yes. We launched a campaign for Nish, hashtag save Kumar's cobbler, bring back Kumar's cobbler.

1:03:44No, instead they went in a different direction and shut down.

1:03:49Tim Key: One, I've got an interesting thing I'd like to say. Go on. if it's not too late, they did a... So do you sometimes say things in your podcast and then you get stuff? Yes. Would that be fair? Yeah. Right. And at one point you... Well, anyway, you got a beer machine. Would that be fair? We got sent a beer machine, yes. We got sent two of them. You can pour pints from it. You load it up and you can pour pints from it, yeah.

1:04:17James Acaster: Yeah, we did. That would be fair. That was early on in the podcast as well. They were sent to the office. Yeah. And you were in the office. Yeah. Doing something else.

1:04:25Tim Key: Well, yeah, something else. Come on. Creating, probably. Doing your book. I was probably coming up. I was probably just standing there, coming up with my film. Standing. Standing there. Yeah. And coming up with my film. And you said, what are these? Yeah.

1:04:39James Acaster: We said they're beer machines.

1:04:40Tim Key: Beer machines, yeah.

1:04:41James Acaster: Yeah. And you went, you used to get given these? Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't jealous. You went, are you going to take these home? Oh. I said, I'm not taking mine home.

1:04:50Tim Key: Oh.

1:04:51James Acaster: Could I have it? yeah that's your next question yeah yeah there's no

1:04:55Tim Key: in my memory

1:04:56James Acaster: you picked it up and walked out the door

1:05:00yeah yeah

1:05:01Tim Key: there's no that's a perfectly dignified thing to do I mean it's a beer machine what you do is you put a keg in it and then it sort of takes it to the right temperature and then it pours it it's made by a company called Perfect Draft fantastic mine's just broken

1:05:22Tim Key: fantastic i took it to the christmas uh 35 uh people thing and uh you know obviously you can't take them in a suitcase i don't know what i was thinking arrived there plugged it in didn't work anymore it's a shame yeah well i didn't know a lot of the people there so they're like i don't know why he's done that do not know why he's done it which was also my internal monologue why have I taken a beer machine

1:05:43James Acaster: so what do you think of Nish's menu as we get to the end of it did you enjoy eating it genuinely it's a great menu

1:05:52Tim Key: it started off with the kebab

1:05:56James Acaster: this is fun

1:05:57Tim Key: yeah then we went into goose with ham in coca cola with a side order of roast potatoes and then we finished off with the discontinued cobbler. What was the drink? What was the drink? Malbec. Very good memory, Tim.

1:06:20James Acaster: It's pretty impressive, actually.

1:06:23Tim Key: Yeah, well, I think that's a really, really strong menu. What do you think?

1:06:27James Acaster: Well, I think you're right, but I was looking forward to telling Nish tomorrow that you hated his menu and getting his reaction to it. So that has scuppered our plans for tomorrow's gig with our surprise guest.

1:06:41Tim Key: Whose menu will it be that you're going to... Don't say James. I don't think he's remembered. He's not checked the text anyway, I think. Is it always James? What, the co-host? No. Yeah, yeah, it tends to be. But what you call him, do you always say James? Yeah, I go with James, yeah. Jimmy, I go with Jimmy sometimes. Jimmy, yeah. If I'm feeling cheeky. Do you think you'll say Jimmy more once he's dead, when you're talking about him? very bold to assume that he's going to die before me oh what are we thinking where do you think you're going to go I think you're the sort of person I can sort of imagine a sort of old version of you

1:07:24James Acaster: yeah I can imagine I can imagine you in your 80s yeah I actually can't imagine Ed old so maybe Ed dies first okay cool we like to end on a big fun thing normally Tim it's been good to see you Tim oh great to see you nice to see you thanks for coming to the Albert Hall and talking to us

1:07:39Tim Key: a real pleasure

1:07:42James Acaster: have you got a take home message for the audience before we go

1:07:46Tim Key: erm no not really I mean you know well I would say this you've got a very nice audience I would say that you are very nice I watched the first half from a box and it was fantastic I was royally entertained I think you two do a fantastic job woo

1:08:08Tim Key: He can't handle it, can he? No, he can't handle it. That's the thing, he doesn't know what he wants from me. Yeah. But he can't handle the sincerity. I'm not... I'm just laughing at it. Why are you laughing at it, though? We need to think about that. Talk to Stuart about that.

1:08:22James Acaster: It's quite funny to have someone who's sitting there for the whole thing. And you ask them questions and go, what the fuck do you want from me? And then at the end they go, what a lovely audience. And they actually applaud it. this is insane it's like what is this

1:08:38Tim Key: I'll clear up after myself

1:08:39James Acaster: well yeah get those all cleared up while you clear up you want to give that to one the front you see there's a man so like three seats in on the front there yeah there's a guy who has definitely been dragged along by his partner do you want to bring him the whole plate of poppadoms because he's furious that he's here what give him the poppadoms yeah give him all the poppadoms alright

1:09:05James Acaster: he's got a lovely smile on his face now he's very happy now I want to make him happy there you go mate happy lovely gift can we get a massive round of applause go wild and crazy for Tim Key what's more for Tim Key everybody thank you so much guys you've been a brilliant audience we'll see most of you tomorrow I'd imagine with our secret guest bye

1:09:40There we are, another absolute banger from the Royal Albert Hall.

1:09:45James Acaster: Yeah, Tim Key there and his book LA Baby is out now, by the way. Yes. I just remembered. Yeah, it's a great book and he's on tour with Logan Bree. A great show. Although it would be a better show if it was called Jokes in the Key of Tim. Yeah. so good that would be good yeah jokes in the key of Tim that's fantastic yeah he won't have it though key to my heart key to my heart I got the key I got the secret of course yeah I guess we're just trying to think of others now but like you tweet them into Off Menu yeah Off Menu Official at Off Menu Official tweet your Tim Key puns yes for his show titles do tweet Ben will make sure that he gets them to Tim.

1:10:31James Acaster: And sign chopping board. And he will send you a sign chopping board if you come up with a good show title, of course. I guess all that's left to say is, like, we'll see you in the next one. There's one more bonus episode left. Uno Mas. Uno Mas, of course. Oh, and a little clue there to who the guest is.

1:10:53Yeah, you know, just be cool.

1:10:56James Acaster: yeah be cool guys see you later see you

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