#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)

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0:37Just pick your favorite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's Ask Steph episode, I am answering the listener question of how do I talk to my avoidant partner about them being avoidant without them feeling labeled? So this is one that I'm sure a lot of people will relate to.

1:10There's variations on this that I've touched on before. Like what do I do when I'm the only one doing the work and how do I bring my partner into the work with me? Is it a good idea to tell your partner that they're avoidant or is that just going to elicit defensiveness? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that in today's episode, because I'm sure a lot of you will be eager to hear some thoughts about how you might approach that. Before I get into it, yesterday was the live workshop on understanding anxious attachment protest behaviours. You might have heard me share about it in the lead up.

1:41If you didn't end up registering, but you would like to watch the replay, it will be available for a limited time. So go and jump on that while you can. And you'll also be able to see at the end of the workshop, I share a very exciting announcement about my Secure Self Challenge, which is coming back in a totally revamped, new and improved form. And there is special discounted pricing available for that for the next 48 hours or so ahead of it being released publicly. I'm excited to share more about that next week on the show. But if you do go and register for the workshop replay, you'll be able to get first dibs on that and access discounted pricing ahead of its public release.

2:20But yeah, I'm very much looking forward to sharing with you. As a bit of a teaser, the Secure Self Challenge is something that was previously a 28-day challenge. I've run it maybe five or six times now. But I've decided to sort of transform it into a fully-fledged eight-week program with video modules, live coaching calls, guest workshops, supporting materials, the whole thing. rather than it being a bite-sized 28-day challenge. So I'm very much looking forward to that. It mirrors my book that I've written that will be released early next year. So it feels very much at the heart of everything that I've been living, breathing, teaching, and I'm looking forward to bringing it to you in this new and improved format.

2:59So keep your eyes and ears out next week. If you're keen to join the upcoming round of that, I look forward to sharing with you. Okay, so let's talk about how to address someone's avoidance, how to raise that conversation with them in a way that is maybe least likely to elicit defensiveness around the label of avoidant attachment. And I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset that it's really natural for someone to resist that label. I think generally most of us wouldn't like to be labeled anything by a partner for them to be sort of diagnosing us and our behavior and our inner world.

3:37A lot of people would naturally have resistance to that, you know, avoidant or otherwise. I think when we consider that someone with avoidant patterns, the avoidant label is widely demonized, right? You only have to read the comment section on any of my YouTube videos about avoidant attachment to understand why someone might push back pretty hard against being labeled avoidant because the comments are avoidant people shouldn't be in relationships. Avoidant people are toxic and selfish. Avoidant people should go die. Like it's really a bit of a jungle out there. There is a lot of vitriol. There is a lot of character assassination.

4:15And I'm sure even this video of me saying that is going to be met with those comments again. It is universal anytime I speak about avoidant people that I'll be met with a barrage of comments of that nature. So I say that just to contextualize that, yeah, it's probably not something that someone's going to receive neutrally because it comes loaded, even if that's not your intention and you don't have those thoughts and feelings about avoidant attachment and you're able to look compassionately and see that it's just one of a set of protective strategies and all of the things, it is generally not considered to be a positive label.

4:51And so if someone then receives that it's probably going to feel like an attack. And when people feel attacked, they defend themselves. So I think we have to acknowledge that backdrop when we're looking to have these conversations. And for that reason, what I would really encourage you to do is rather than saying like, I think you have an avoidant attachment style and here are all of the traits of that. And here are all of the things that you do. And like, therefore see proof, which as a side note is exactly what I did years ago in my previous relationship with someone who was very avoidant. When I first discovered all of this stuff, I literally like held a book up to him with a checklist and basically tried to prove to him that he was avoidant.

5:34And believe it or not, that didn't go terribly well. He was not interested in that conversation. He did not find it as enlightening as I found it. And he pretty much shut down and brushed me off, which as a side note, of course, I used as more proof of how avoidant he was. So I think the much better approach than that is to go deeper than like you are avoidant and reach in underneath that and go, okay, what is it that I am struggling with? What do I specifically want to talk to my partner about? Is it the fact that I feel emotionally disconnected from them? Are there communication issues in terms of frequency or are they disappearing?

6:09Do I feel shut out from their life? Like what is it specifically that you are framing as avoidant attachment that you want to talk to them about? And if you're like, yeah, all of the above and then some, I would pick one or two things rather than going at them with this barrage of here are all of the things that I find to be deficient and disappointing about you that I would like you to work on, please. Again, that is not going to land very well. So try and pick one or two things and pick a good moment to talk about them and say something like, hey, is now a good time for me to talk to you about something?

6:45Recently, I've been feeling whatever and this specific behavior is hard for me because of blah, blah. Would you be willing to try something different, right? You don't need them to acknowledge and claim the label of avoidant attachment in order to address the specific behaviors that might be challenging for you. And frankly, you're likely to have a much better shot at getting the problem solved by dealing in those specifics rather than going to like, this is who you are and I have a problem with it and you need to work on it. Because I think most of us, again, would experience a natural defensiveness and want to push back against that.

7:28It's a hard conversation to receive and move towards because it does feel like, oh, you've been kind of scrutinizing me and judging me and now you want me to change. So I think that being able to have those conversations and recognizing it's not going to be a one and done conversation. It's going to be an ongoing part of your relationship that you'll have things that come up that feel hard or that are sort of challenging or that are feeling a bit disconnected. and you open up a non-blaming, non-shaming conversation about what might be going on for them, how it might impact you and what might look like a healthier way forward that meets both of your needs, right?

8:12Again, you don't want to create this culture of you harboring this shopping list of complaints and things that are bothering you and sitting them down once a week to tell them like the next thing they've done that's disappointing you because that will wear someone down. And I think that that's a common complaint from avoidant people is that they just feel so exasperated by there's always something else. There's always another thing that you're unhappy about. And so I think like trying as much as you can to really acknowledge the good stuff and to voice appreciation for the things that they're doing well and the effort that they are putting in and orienting towards that as much as you can, because we know that anxiety, anxious attachment does tend to filter for the negative and focus on the problems because anxiety wants to get ahead of all of the problems.

9:04So it really magnifies them. And so part of our work is seeing the goodness in our partner and really consciously trying to appreciate all of the ways that they do show up for us and do show love and are there for us rather than just noticing and really fixating on all of the things that they do imperfectly and then wanting to raise all of those things and create accountability around it, which really can just be us reminding our partner constantly of the ways that they've failed or disappointed us. And, you know, I say all of this with the big caveat of if the relationship's really unsatisfactory, because I know, again, I'll always get comments from people like, so you're saying I should just put up with them disappearing for three weeks.

9:46I'm absolutely not saying that. And I never would suggest that you should tolerate what is just like unacceptable behavior as far as I'm concerned, behavior that is simply not conducive to any healthy relationship. So if there are big problems and there are breaches of trust or there's just like a total disconnect, if they're not really putting in any effort, if they're not showing up, if they're disappearing or doing those sorts of things, if they're breaking up with you, then coming back, all of that falls from my perspective squarely into the category of like, that's not a healthy relationship.

10:19That's probably not worth continuing to invest in. That doesn't make them the villain. It just might mean that they're not ready for a healthy relationship and that's okay. And your job is then not to like coach them or bring up every little thing and try and explain to them and persuade them into being ready. Your job might just be to recognize the reality of the situation and the constraints that they have. so take all of that with the context of like I'm never telling you to stay in a relationship that feels really unsatisfactory like it's really not meeting your needs like it's really way below the standard of what you really want for yourself but if you are in a relationship that's fundamentally solid where you do feel cared for and respected by this person but you know that your respective attachment patterns create some friction and block you from experiencing the connection and the sense of security that you really long for, but you can see that there's potential there and there's enough good to justify continuing to invest in having those conversations and doing that work together, then everything that I've shared in this episode is really for people in that situation, not people in a situation of wanting to kind of save a sinking ship, so to speak.

11:35Okay, so I hope that's been helpful. Thanks as always for your support, sending you lots of love and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Want to be the one who's always in the know about the game, the scores, the plays? Here's a tip, the Apple Sports app. Just pick your favorite teams and get automatic live updates without even knowing their schedules. And when your team scores, it shows up right on your iPhone lock screen, making it easy to check in anytime. So rule the group chat and download Apple Sports for free on the App Store or find it on your new iPhone. Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall.

12:12Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Thanks, guys.