#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex

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0:41That's where ZocDoc comes in. Download the ZocDoc app to search and compare doctors by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, find the right fit for you, and book instantly. Because getting seen by the right doctor matters. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? Download the ZocDoc app today. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to get over your ex. So, of course, this is one of the most challenging things that people experience when it comes to relationships and breakups. It's something that I answer questions on literally all the time.

1:19Anytime I do a Q &A on Instagram and, of course, people in my programs, this is such a big thing. Feeling like we can't get over someone and really wanting to be over someone, wanting to be free of them. but feeling really stuck, feeling trapped in our emotions, feeling like all of our mental and emotional energy is still swirling in and around this person, feeling like they have a hold on us even after they left us and feeling like that's preventing us from moving forward with our lives. And I think that that can leave us feeling really low, really beating ourselves up, really feeling bad about ourselves.

1:57And of course, at a time when our self-worth is already taking a hit from a relationship ending, particularly if we weren't the one who ended it, all of that can just make a hard situation even worse and can really prolong our suffering. So I know that this is something that a lot of people really struggle with, and it might not even be a recent breakup. I had someone ask me a question a couple of days ago, why am I still hung up on someone who broke up with me three years ago? So it's not just the person who left you last month. We can really attach to the meaning and the significance of the stories around a breakup that happened years ago and struggle to really let go and move forward with our lives in a way that keeps our self-worth intact.

2:40So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around why this can happen, why we can feel so hung up on someone and feel like we can't let go of them, why it's actually very normal and part of the process and how managing our expectations around that can be a big part of moving through it rather than being in resistance to whatever it is that we're feeling and how we can ultimately come out the other side of that experience, feeling clearer and stronger and more grounded in who we are, in our worth and ultimately what we want for the future of our relationships. because I think that is the gift of a breakup.

3:16As I've always said that, yes, it's so painful. Yes, it can take us to like the depths of our wounds and bring us face to face with that. But that can really be a gift ultimately if we know how to alchemize all of that pain and hurt into learnings and find a way to come out the other side as a bigger, stronger, more fully embodied version of ourselves. who's really taken those experiences in their stride and decided to turn all of that pain into gold. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, I should say if you're going through a breakup at the moment, I would love for you to come along to my free breakup training.

3:55I share three of the most common ways that people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns, which I know is most of my listeners, get stuck after a breakup and what you can do instead so that you can actually move through the breakup in a really healthy and ultimately empowering way that I believe can really make your breakup a net positive for your life rather than being this thing that sets off a downward spiral. Because I think, as I've spoken about so many times before on the podcast, if we don't see the breakup as an opportunity, if we don't decide to take back the reins and exert some agency over the process and we just kind of let the breakup happen to us and knock us down and we spiral into that place of really low self-worth and shame, then almost always we will find ourselves in some version of the same relationship dynamic or pattern the next time.

4:46Because if we're entering relationships from a place of low self-worth, that sets us up for so many of our unhealthy relationship patterns. So if we want to do things differently, we have to really take the time in the space to look in the mirror, to own our part, to grieve all of the really difficult, upsetting, disappointing emotions and disentangle those from some of the stories that we can tell about why someone left us and how no one's ever going to choose us and all of those things that can take root when we're feeling really vulnerable and tender. So I talk about all of that in this free training.

5:20You should definitely come along if you're going through a breakup or maybe you went through a breakup some time ago, but you still feel like there's some unprocessed stuff there, I would love for you to come along. I think it'll be really helpful for you. And I'll put the link for that in the show notes. Okay. So let's get into this conversation around why you can't get over your ex and how you might go about doing that. So first and foremost, I am really big on managing expectations when you're going through a breakup. And I think that part of why we struggle so much is that we have these really unrealistic expectations of why aren't I over it yet?

5:55Why am I still in pain? And I think that in part comes from comparing ourselves to other people online, comparing ourselves to what we can see of our ex and how they're doing. And all of that is obviously unhelpful because all it does is make us feel worse about ourselves and make us feel like the ways in which we're struggling are somehow wrong or bad or pathetic or unusual. It just leaves us feeling like I shouldn't be upset. I shouldn't be hurt. I shouldn't still be having a hard time with this. And of course, when there are parts of us that really are struggling, that are feeling vulnerable, that are feeling hurt and afraid and lonely, just turning our backs on those parts and trying to make that go away is the opposite of what we need.

6:39And so I think managing our expectations such that we welcome all of those feelings, not because it feels great to be in the depths of grief, to be feeling all of those really tricky, tender emotions, but because that's just the reality of where we're at. And that's actually a completely normal expected part of going through a breakup because going through a breakup, losing someone who you love is grief. And we wouldn't have those expectations or pressure on ourselves to skip past any other kind of grief and just get on with it and just be over it. And so I think that the more we can go into a breakup, expecting it to bring us to our knees and really allowing ourselves to be in that for as long as we need to be and really holding space and listening to those parts of us that are really hurting.

7:28I think that's just such a beautiful gift that you can give to yourself. And I think when we have that orientation, when it comes to a breakup, then we're much less likely to have that shaming, judgmental inner voice that's telling us that we should be feeling fine. We should have bounced back. We should have gotten over it. We should have gotten on with things. And I think it's from that place of feeling like we shouldn't be in pain that we go into all of the stories because whenever we're trying to avoid feeling an emotion, we go into story, we go into analysis, we go into overthinking. That's a really, really great way of keeping ourselves from feeling.

8:06And that's something that folks with anxious attachment patterns are masterful at. Whether it's a breakup or just in relationships, we think to avoid feeling. And I think in a breakup, when you're obsessively thinking about your ex and what are they doing and what are they thinking and who are they seeing and how are they feeling and do they miss me? All of that spinning of the wheels is just a way for you to avoid sitting in the bigness of your own grief and coming face to face with the loss and the reality of your own sadness and disappointment and hurt and all of those things. So going into overdrive around obsessively thinking about them, ruminating constantly.

8:46Have they been online? What does that mean? Are they ignoring me? Do they want to talk to me? Like all of that is just busy work that is distracting you from the iceberg underneath because so many of us are quite inexperienced when it comes to grief. And I think culturally we've been conditioned to just try and keep a lid on it because it feels like it might swallow us whole and we don't really want to go there. And particularly if you have anxious attachment patterns, we generally don't trust ourselves to be in difficult emotions. And that's why we can be so panicky when it comes to things that are worrying us, when it comes to our anxiety, when it comes to our fear.

9:22We tend to externalize that and try and grab at someone or something that'll make that go away because to actually just hold that we don't have much experience with it and we don't really trust ourselves to go there and to come out the other side. So having to go through that process when you've just lost your attachment figure being your partner or your ex-partner, that can just feel like all of your worst fears and it can feel like, I can't do that. I'm not equipped to do it. And so instead we go back to what is our default mode of scurrying around, obsessing about them, ruminating on what they're doing, because that's all we know, right?

9:56It's the same pattern that we have in relationships that we're then playing out in the breakup is just obsess over everything to do with them and use that as a way to disconnect from our own inner world that we don't really know how to support or how to be with. So all of that to say, it makes a lot of sense that you find yourself in this place of not only deep grief and sadness, but all of the stuff that you do to try and distract yourself from that deep grief and sadness being the obsessing and the ruminating and the can't stop thinking and the storytelling and the what if and the maybe if I'd done this or maybe I shouldn't have spoken up about that and all of this internal negotiation that we do, all of that makes so much sense because that is you playing out your protective strategies, the same ones that you lean on in relationship as a way to try and keep yourself safe, try and avoid those difficult feelings.

10:45It's just that same mechanism playing out in the context of a breakup. But I think when we don't see that for what it is and we take our thoughts literally and we think, oh, it must mean something that I miss them or I feel this really strong urge to reach out to them or I just need to have one more conversation with them. When we take that as fact and we have this impulse and we feel like we have to act on it because if it feels this big, then it must be true or must be important. That's where we can really get ourselves into some trouble because obviously if we just keep following the anxious impulse.

11:18We're just going to find ourselves back in all of those patterns that are led by our anxiety and that's ultimately not what we want. So I think it's really helpful to be able to almost step out of that and see it neutrally or see it as if you were a third-party observer and go, oh, okay, yeah, of course I'm doing all of those things because that's what I do. That's what I've learned to do. That's what I've been conditioned to do. And so, of course, in my most vulnerable moments, that's where my system is going to try and take me so that I don't have to feel. But I don't actually just have to blindly follow that.

11:51I can see that for what it is and actually wrap it up with so much compassion and recognition of like, yeah, well, of course, like, of course, my system's trying to protect me from the vastness of that grief. But my job, Me, as separate from my anxiety, my job is to lead us through this tunnel in a way that feels more value aligned and that has some sense of North Star around what is really best for me. How can I best support myself? What does my next chapter look like? And how can I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, prioritizing my well-being, making good choices rather than choices that are reactive and impulsive and led by anxiety and fear and scarcity?

12:32And that's ultimately how you keep your self-worth intact and rebuild it and build self-respect and self-trust is by making good decisions. Even in those moments where you feel like the only thing that could possibly make it better is to talk to them or see them or get back together with them. Just being able to see that that is like the essence of your anxious attachment is my systems in overdrive. I desperately need to reestablish connection with the person who I associate with attachment security. even if it was a really insecure relationship, at a fundamental level, your system has developed this attachment bond with this person.

13:10And so that bond being severed, everything within you says, go to them and make it better. And if we can just see that for what it is and go, okay, yeah, that's how I'm wired when it comes to relationships. And maybe part of my healing, part of my growth, part of the gift of this breakup is that I'm not just going to do what my system's urging me to do, which ultimately is an expression of the patterns that I may be trying to shift away from. And maybe I can actually go, okay, I see that and I feel that urge. And of course that's there, but what would it look like to take care of myself in this?

13:46What would it look like to really respect and honor myself in this? What would it look like to value my worth and steward myself into my next chapter from a place of real grace and dignity rather than this desperate scrambling of how do I make the pain go away as quickly as possible? Because when we do that, ultimately we're going to prolong the suffering because those band-aid short-term relief approaches never really solve the problem. They're not going to make the pain go away. They're not going to solve your grief. Your grief is still going to be there. It's just a way to kick the can down the road, the tiniest little bit.

14:23And so I think we have to actually build our self-trust to be in the bigness of those emotions rather than just either busying ourselves with all of the rumination and the obsessing or just trying to make it all go away by re-establishing contact and reaching out or seeing our ex again. Because of course, that voice in your head is so persuasive telling you to do that and telling you like, maybe just one more conversation. Maybe we should just meet up one more time. But having supported thousands of people who are moving through a breakup. I've got a decent data set, albeit anecdotal. And I can tell you that almost always you will feel worse after that because it doesn't tend to change anything.

15:04Even if it's a pleasant interaction with your ex, unless you get back together off the back of it, which doesn't tend to happen, then you're just going to feel worse when you come out of it because you've had this nice interaction and then they're still gone. They're still not yours anymore. They've still left you. So best case scenario, you still feel like shit afterwards. Worst case scenario, you talk to them and have some sort of conflict or rupture or argument. And then of course, you feel bad after that as well. So it's rare that that's actually the thing that's going to bring you lasting relief.

15:40And I think it's good to be pretty clear eyed and honest with ourselves about that, even at the same time as those parts of us that are really having a hard time will try and convince us otherwise. I think it's important as well to acknowledge that sometimes when we are obsessively thinking about our ex and we tell ourselves the story of, I can't stop thinking about them, I can't get over them, I can't let go, I find that it's very helpful to try and monitor those stories and as much as possible avoid using that language because the more you repeat that story to yourself, and I often will push back on people who are saying like, I can't stop obsessing about them or I can't help myself from calling them or whatever it might be.

16:23I think that sometimes when we say that, we're actually giving ourselves a bit of a permission slip to continue engaging in the dysfunctional, unhealthy behavior. Because we're basically saying, I'm not strong enough. I don't have the willpower. I don't have the discipline. My impulses are stronger than my ability to make good choices. So my hands are tied. And I think it's a very, very disempowering story to keep on telling yourself and to keep telling other people because it absolutely erodes your self-respect and your self-trust. You're basically saying, I'm not a trustworthy person. I don't make good decisions and I can't make good decisions.

16:59And that's just one, not honest and two, not helpful at all. So if I can give you a bit of tough love around that, it would be to say, drop the story of, I can't help it because it just doesn't serve of you and it will keep you stuck in a place where you ultimately feel a lot of shame. And I don't think that that's what you need. Instead, try and formulate a story that's a little more nuanced and a little more honest. Like I'm having an incredibly hard time not reaching out to them. Everything in my system is urging me to contact them and I am going to do my absolute utmost best to not follow that impulse because I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and keep some clear boundaries and really support my own wellbeing, right?

17:45That's a much more honest and a much more empowering story that really takes ownership rather than just saying, oh, I can't stop thinking about them or I can't help it. Another tip around this, which I'll often give to students in my breakup program is like the, I can't stop thinking about them. That might be true. And when people say like, how do I stop myself from thinking about them? Trying to stop yourself from thinking about someone or something is really futile because all of that energy that you're expending on, how do I stop thinking about it? There's just another version of thinking about it, right?

18:16And I think that we don't have that much control over our thoughts. So trying to make a thought not be there is not a good use of your time and energy. So I think that the more self-responsible, empowering way to go about that is the thoughts are going to come and go and that's fine. Again, And have reasonable expectations around what this is going to look like. So like, yeah, of course your ex is going to be on your mind as you're going through a breakup. Of course they are. It's a really big thing that you're moving through. And expecting that they're not going to be on your mind is almost unrealistic.

18:49So don't be hard on yourself about that. That's normal. You're fine. You're allowed to think about your ex. I think where you can exert some agency and where you can intervene in that process is acting on the thoughts. So yes, you can have a lot of thoughts about what they might be doing. You don't have to go and stalk their Instagram because that's an action, that's a choice. And yes, it might be a choice that's very much urged on by the thoughts that you're having, but those actions that you take are where you can actually come up to the intersection and go, okay, everything in my system is telling me to turn left, but I'm going to turn right because I know that that's the good choice for me here.

19:26so realizing where you have control and where you can exert agency and focusing all of your energy there rather than how do I stop the thoughts which is ultimately futile and again we'll just leave you in this mode of feeling like you're doing something wrong feeling like a failure feeling pathetic because you can't stop thinking about them it's like yeah okay let's reframe that as I'm having a lot of thoughts about my ex because of course I am I'm going through a breakup and I'm having a hard time, but I don't have to stalk them on Instagram. I don't have to reread our old messages. I don't have to look at photos that are going to upset me.

20:01I don't have to reach out to them. I don't have to scratch the itch by taking the thought and then acting on it in some way that's going to make it worse and keep the spiral going. So that's the part where you actually have some control and you should really be focusing your efforts on making good choices in those moments and having really clean, clear boundaries for yourself around the behaviors that you engage in that will almost certainly make it worse and prolong the suffering. So validating that like, yeah, of course, of course, I'm having a hard time. Of course, I'm thinking about them. Of course, I'm wondering how they're going, but I don't have to act on the thoughts.

20:36And that's really where I get to take back the reins, where I get to take back some control over my situation and really powerfully rebuild my self-trust and my self-respect and my self-worth by making good choices in those really vulnerable moments, because that's how we do things differently. It's actually just not giving in to the impulse, not giving in to the fear and the scarcity and the longing and the sense of only they can make this better. Because the more you do that, the more you entrench that story of, I need them in order to be okay. And that's ultimately a big part of your work, whether it's with this person or the next one is disentangling yourself from the, I need them in order to be okay story because it's not true and it's the thing that kicks off so many of your other patterns in the relationship around abandonment and rejection and unworthiness and jealousy and all of the things.

21:29We need to learn to be able to take care of ourselves in those moments, not in a way where we don't need other people, but certainly in a way where we can do that for ourselves. And I think that's the gift of a breakup, even in those really, really dark, hard moments is being able to show up for ourselves lovingly and compassionately and supportively and being able to say, this is so hard and we're going to get through this. So that is my message for you. If you are going through a breakup, if you are struggling to get over your ex, it really is a matter of recognizing that that is going to be a challenging thing, recognizing that if you're anxiously attached in particular and you're going through a breakup, that that is going to be harder for you than it would be someone else.

22:14We know that people with anxious attachment patterns have a particularly hard time with breakups. So stop comparing yourself to other people and then wondering why you're not over it as quickly as they are. It's just not helpful at all. Again, I talk about this in my free breakup training, so that's definitely worth coming along to. But have reasonable expectations, know what you're going to be in for, and then get really clear around what is the self-honoring, self-respecting, compassionate, wise thing for me to do here that isn't just collapsing into, I need them to make it all better and put one foot in front of the other, make good choices, recognize that the thoughts are going to be there and there'll be some days that are easier and some days that are harder, but just keep inching forward and trusting that the sum of those good decisions is going to lead you to a really beautiful place.

23:03And you will be so much better off for having really honored yourself in that way and kept your head held high and having acted with dignity and grace and all of those things you really can't go wrong there and it doesn't mean that the breakup's going to be easy breezy but it can certainly make a huge difference to both how you move through it and how you come out the other side okay guys thank you so much for joining me i hope this has been helpful and i look forward to seeing you daydreaming about fiori's soft dream knit fabric Meet the Halo Essential Wide Leg Pant, designed with Viore's softest premium stretch dream knit fabric.

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