#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture

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0:37Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find Fall Your Way at Ross. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about repair.

1:21So this is part four, fourth and final part of my attachment and conflict series. So we've had part one, which was all about anxious attachment and conflict. Part two, which was about avoidance attachment and conflict. Part three, which was tips for how to have healthier conflict. And those were tips for anxious partners, tips for more avoidant partners, and then kind of relational tips. And here is part four all about repair. So I do want to say at the outset, repair is such a huge topic. It's one that I've done in depth with my friend and teacher, James Fish Gill, a couple of times on the podcast.

1:55I really recommend going and listening to those episodes if you haven't already. Fish is absolutely masterful at all things communication and repair. And those conversations are longer as they're about an hour each. and we talk in a lot of depth and detail about all things repair. So that's a really good place to dive deep if you really want to sink your teeth into all of this. But for the purposes of today's episode, I just want to give a more top level broad contours guide to repair in relationships. And I think it's really important to recognize that like repair is so, so important. In all relationships, really, it's not just romantic relationships.

2:33repair in friendships, repair with family, repair with our kids. If you're a parent, it's just so important because ruptures are inevitable. And I think that's such a big part of maturing in our understanding of healthy relationships is realizing that things aren't always going to go to plan. There will be days where we really miss each other and we have moments of friction and our intentions are misunderstood and things really blow up unexpectedly or maybe we're both tired and irritable and we say something we don't mean. Being able to kind of come back around after that and clean up the mess and return to connection and love is so important because that's what allows us to not only avoid the building up of resentment and hurt that ultimately can erode our relationships and erode the trust base that we have there, but it can actually deepen us in our connection because ultimately conflict reveals something to us.

3:32Sometimes it will be revealing unmet needs. It will be revealing grievances or places where we're feeling disconnected. And while we don't always manage the conflict part as skillfully and masterfully as we would like, being able to come back when we have a bit more space, when we've had time to reflect and repair and come back into love and connection, that can be what allows us to actually make the conflict worthwhile smile because we can not only reconnect with each other, see each other more clearly and lovingly than maybe we had capacity for in the heat of the moment, but we can also make a plan.

4:07And I think that's one of the key pieces that we'll talk about is like, okay, what needs to happen here? Is there any action item, for want of a better word, that arises out of this thing that happened between us so that we can make sure that either it doesn't happen again or that whatever led to it, we can take care of that. And I think that that can be actually a beautiful deepening of relationship to be able to go through that process of rupture and repair and emerge stronger and seeing each other more clearly than you did before. So I think something that's important to name at the outset is that repair doesn't have to be this really big, long, serious conversation.

4:45And I think for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, if we've been in relationships that have felt quite bogged down with emotional labor and big fights followed by very long extended repair conversations, the whole thing can just feel really heavy and serious. And sometimes it will be, depending on what we're talking about, right? Like there's repair after infidelity and there's like repair after the snide remark that I made as you were walking out the door this morning, right? Like these are very different things that exist on a really, really broad spectrum. And so when I'm speaking about this, I'm always mindful that someone, depending on the situation that they're in, might be applying it to something very different to what I'm intending when I'm sharing and teaching.

5:36So bearing in mind that there is a vast range of circumstances that could warrant repair in a relationship, and some will not be a one and done conversation. Some might need professional support. Some might be really serious and big, but others might be really brief and might just be as simple as saying, hey, I'm really sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was just feeling a bit stressed because I was running late, right? So that can be repair, but repair can also be going to couples therapy for six months and doing some really deep work. So there is a really broad spectrum here and it's important to recognize that because of course, the type of repair that you're going to apply to the situation where you had a quick moment of tension before leaving for work is not the same kind of repair that's going to do the trick if there's been a betrayal, for example.

6:24So I just wanted to name that and acknowledge that, apply what I'm going to be saying with some level of discernment, because it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. With that being said, I do think there are some core elements to successful and meaningful repair that can be a good guide for you, no matter the circumstances. And those are acknowledgement. I think there needs to be an acknowledgement of what happened, which sounds very, very obvious, but sometimes when we're really deep in our defenses, we don't even want to acknowledge it. It feels too vulnerable to go there. We maybe don't want to open it up again.

7:00And so we are reluctant to even name the thing that happened. And particularly if we're in a bit of a Cold War stance where we both are not talking to each other and we've got our arms folded, so to speak, and our backs turned on each other, being the one to turn back and say, hey, can we talk about this morning? That can actually take a lot of courage and vulnerability. So being able to acknowledge that things didn't go to plan and not doing that in a way that's attacking or saying something that's got even a hint of fighting words in it, like, aren't we going to speak about what happened this morning?

7:35It's got like a little bit of passive aggressiveness in it. We really want to avoid that because like, again, we need to come to repair in the spirit of putting down our defenses and returning to connection. So if we're still doing that from this guarded stance, of trying to protect ourselves, trying to make the other person wrong and maintaining that we were in the right, like none of that belongs in a repair conversation, that framework of trying to find the bad guy and villain victim, all of that. We've got to find ways to actually park that. And again, I get it. If there's something big that has happened, it's really hard to let go of that.

8:11And it's not to clear someone of any responsibility to come to that conversation lovingly. And I think sometimes that can be part of our hesitation. It's like, if I put my guard down, if I don't come to this conversation with my anger still there or with that fight in me, I'm scared that you're not going to take ownership of the thing or that I'm not going to be able to have my pain recognized by you and you're not going to really see the impact that you've had on me. So I feel like I have to come to you with intensity, with anger, with that accusation kind of energy. But of course, what that often yields is just more defensiveness.

8:50And then we don't really get what we're longing for, which is acknowledgement and validation and attunement. So if that is what you're wanting for someone to be able to see the impact they've had and take ownership for that, ironically enough, you've actually got to open your heart and show that from a more vulnerable place rather than a guarded place of leading with reminding them of how they hurt you and making them wrong for it. Because for most people, that's going to lead them to put their guard up and lead them to be defensive. And you're just going to feel more invalidated as a result. So acknowledgement, framing it as like this thing happened and it felt kind of shitty and can we talk about it?

9:31So I think for me, and this is what I try to do in my own relationship, even if that voice in my head is telling me that I was perfectly in the right and my partner was being very unreasonable, I will always try and initiate that conversation from a place of, hey, would we be able to talk about this morning or can we talk about what happened before from as neutral a place as I possibly can, even if as part of that conversation, I do want to express the impact that his behavior had on me or any hurt that I might be feeling. I'm not going to lead with that because it's all but guaranteed that he's telling himself a similar story about how he was in the right and how he was justified.

10:09And so if he senses that I'm leading with a story that makes him wrong, then he's going to shut down. So we do really have to be courageous enough to lead with this neutral acknowledgement of something happened between us. And I think that we need to talk about it so that we can understand each other's position. And again, I think that's really, really crucial is like understand each other's position, not just I need you to understand mine. Because again, like when we're in that conflict stance, we are all very naturally self-centered because we are in our own experience. We are perceiving them from our standpoint.

10:44And of course, we have all the context for what we're feeling and what we were wanting to do and how reasonable we were being. And we only see them through the lens of how selfish, unreasonable, reactive, defensive, or whatever we perceive them as being. But I can guarantee you that they have a similar perception of themselves as being justified and in the right and of you as being irrational or overly sensitive or dramatic or whatever, right? We can all go there. And again, I spoke about this in part three, like if we just keep fighting over whose perception or experience or whatever is justified, we'll just fight forever.

11:20So if you want to repair, you have to try and come at it from a place of like, neither of us wanted this. both of us were having an experience of the other person and of the moment, and we actually need to be able to have space for all of that to coexist here if we want to be able to then come back into connection and understand each other better. So all of that to say, start with acknowledgement and as neutral and acknowledgement as possible, not coming in with a passive aggressive underbelly. And it's okay if you're still hurt. It's okay if you're still feeling some tenderness around it, but try to lead with vulnerability rather than any kind of attack or criticism or blame or right and wrong energy because that will backfire or almost guaranteed.

12:05Another key piece in repair is apology and ownership. And this can be really challenging because a lot of us will feel reluctant to apologize for something that we did not intend. And so in order to be able to apologize meaningfully and fully and in a way that really lands with the other person, we have to be able to detach our intention from the impact. So we have to be able to separate out what I was trying to do from how you actually experienced the thing that I did and how that actually affected you that might be really wildly different from what I was trying to achieve. So a common example is like your partner thinks you're being controlling, but you think you were just trying to help, right?

12:50And so if they're experiencing that and going like, can you stop being so controlling? And you're saying, what are you talking about? I'm literally just trying to help. That is just such an impasse. And the more that you keep saying, I'm just trying to help, or I was just trying to be nice or whatever. I'm just trying to, whenever you hear those words, oh, I'm defending my intention because I am uncomfortable with the fact that they have received me differently to how I was intending. And I am needing to defend my goodness and my rightness so that I don't have to acknowledge that irrespective of what I was intending, they are experiencing me as controlling or whatever it might be, right?

13:31There are a million and one variations of that disparity between intention and impact. And it exists in both directions in every conflict. And again, I speak more about this in the two conversations I've had on the podcast with fish, so you can go back and listen to those. But if we want to be able to apologize and we want to be able to repair, we have to, yes, acknowledge that that wasn't our intention. And alongside that, acknowledge that we have impacted the other person with our behavior, albeit unintentionally. And we might not be able to perfectly describe how they experienced us, but we can guess at it.

14:07And that really comes across as a peace offering. So being able to say, continuing with that same example, I was really wanting to help this morning, but it seemed like you were experiencing me as being controlling or that that didn't land the way I was hoping. So I'm really sorry if that's the case. Again, it wasn't my intention, but clearly my intention didn't land and that's not what I wanted. I'm sorry for how that impacted you. Right. And it takes some courage and it takes some maturity to be able to do that. And some humility because so many of us, myself included, by default would rather convince them out of their experience or convince them that they are wrong to perceive us in that way because it wasn't what we were intending.

14:46And we can be so uncomfortable with someone not seeing us as the good guy all the time. We can be so uncomfortable with them getting annoyed at us or finding us irritating or perceiving us as controlling or whatever it might be that we put all of our energy and effort into explaining to them why they are wrong to see us in that way. And we do that by reference to our good intentions or what we were just trying to do. And all of that, even if it's coming from a good place within us or a place of really wanting to clarify our intention, it just lands as invalidating of their experience. Because what you're actually saying is you're wrong to feel the way you do, or you're misguided to feel the way you do, or you are unjustified or whatever.

15:29And we know that when we get that, when we're told those things about something we're feeling that feels very real and true for us, that doesn't feel good. That doesn't make you feel better for someone to just tell you, oh, that's not what I meant. Another example is like if someone says, oh, it was just a joke when they said something that was actually hurtful for you. Them saying, oh, it was just a joke. Stop taking it so seriously. That's never going to make you feel better, right? Because you're actually hurt by the thing. So a much better way of repairing would be, I was intending that in a lighthearted way, but I'm really sorry that that has caused you hurt.

16:04I won't do it again, right? Like that's a much more effective apology than it was just a joke, get over it. So having this really clear conception of intention and impact and seeing that they can and do coexist and they can be really incongruent that the thing that we're intending can land in a really different way. and actually just acknowledging that and being brave enough to say like, I can see how I've impacted you, which is not the way I wanted to impact you, but nevertheless, I'm sorry. And I'm going to be more mindful of that in future. That is a really beautiful olive branch to extend to someone in conflicts because there's not much for them to defend against there.

16:45It's very naturally melting of someone's defenses when you can just speak to the impact that you might have had on them rather than defending why you were justified to do the thing you do and why actually they are the one who's overreacting or being unreasonable. The third component of repair that I want to talk about today, and again, I want to acknowledge this is far from exhaustive as a conversation on repair, but I just wanted to give you these kind of three key pillars to bear in mind when you're navigating repair is kind of accountability and a plan for next time. Now, I don't think this will always be necessary.

17:16Again, in the example of like, we had a tense moment before you left for work and I made a snide remark and you walked out the door and that's where we left it for the day. If it was just something in the heat of the moment, because you were stressed, like you can probably just get away with saying, sorry about this morning. I was stressed. I don't like leaving things like that. I love you. That might just be enough. And you can like not excavate the whole thing and have this big, serious sit down discussion about what happened and intention and impact. And like not every repair has to be this big in-depth thing.

17:48And I think in those situations where we can just give each other the benefit of the doubt and have some grace around it, rather than holding a grudge or rather than making it into this bigger symbol of all of the things that are wrong in the relationship, sometimes we can just let things go and acknowledge it, move on, say I love you and just let it be that. And certainly I think where they're like little minor things like that can actually just be enough. But sometimes we need more and sometimes in particular where it feels like the rupture in question was maybe a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship or a bigger challenge, something that has been recurring or some behavioral thing that feels not okay, some kind of boundary breach or something like that.

18:32Having this third piece in your repair around like, what are we going to do to make sure that this doesn't happen again? Or what can I offer to you as some sort of commitment or acknowledgement? And what might you offer to me so that next time things might go differently, so that maybe we can navigate this more lovingly and more skillfully the next time we come up against it? Because it's one thing to acknowledge it. It's one thing to apologize. But sometimes a part of us holds out on fully accepting an apology or fully coming back into connection because we're still maybe having some fear or anxiety that it's just going to happen again.

19:11And particularly if there has been more than one incident, if it has been a bit of a theme, it can be increasingly more difficult for us to accept an apology without some accompanying action or commitment as to like, why isn't this just going to keep happening? Because without some behavior change going forward, there's every chance that it will. So that's where we need to be able to open up a conversation. And again, I would advise that you try and frame that as how can we do things differently rather than what are you going to do? And again, context is everything here. If one person has very clearly done something inappropriate or breached a boundary or whatever, then it might be that that conversation is more revolving around what they are going to do differently or what commitments they are going to make.

19:57But as a general rule of thumb, the more collaborative you can be in any of these conversations, the more success you're likely to have because you don't want it to feel oppositional when you're in those moments of repair. So following that apology up with like, okay, well, what might we need to do here? What is this telling us or revealing to us about some cracks in our relationship or some things that we've maybe not been paying attention to, or, you know, things that maybe need a bit more of our energy. Again, if the conflict has revealed some sort of like grievance or resentment or unmet need, maybe you had a conflict because you were really stressed and you might say, I'm realizing how burnt out I am and maybe how disconnected I've been feeling from you.

20:42Can we organize some time just for us over the next few weeks? Maybe we could have a weekly date night or whatever, right? Like there might be some action out of it that addresses the underlying cause of the conflict that happened, the rupture, because so often those ruptures are like triggered by the little nothing thing that happened. And it is about some deeper unmet need of feeling disconnected, feeling like you're not a priority, missing your partner, feeling like there hasn't been as much warmth or affection or whatever. So being able to recognize that and connect those dots and then go, okay, well, how can we nurture this underlying thing?

21:18How can we tend to that so that we're not at breaking point? We're not as reactive. We're not like at the end of our tether and we don't end up snapping at each other and hurting each other in these ways because so often the conflict is a symptom of something deeper. So when that is the case, being able to identify there's something deeper. And again, so essential that you frame whatever that is, if it's something that you've been needing and not getting, not framing it in an accusatory blaming way of you never pay attention to me or all you care about is work. And like, that's just not going to land well.

21:51Again, keep coming back to the spirit of connection and love and giving each other the benefit of the doubt and finding a joint path forward. So expressing that vulnerably rather than in an attacking way. So like, I'm realizing how much I've been missing you because you've been really busy with work. I think it would really help if we could carve out some quality time together. How does that sound to you? Or do you have any ideas around that? Right? Joint plan, vulnerable expression of needs rather than accusation and blame and figuring out what might help to soothe those underlying triggers rather than just apologizing for the incident as if it were isolated and saying like, I'm sorry about specifically what happened this morning.

22:34If you find yourself struggling to really accept those apologies or you don't feel like it's really been sufficient to make you feel better, sometimes it is because there's some deeper thing that needs to be expressed and tended to. So if there's some of that there, and this is where self-awareness and really mature self-advocacy can be really helpful. So bringing all of those skills in as well in these conversations is very, very valuable. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of some key components of repair, how you might approach that in your relationships, whether romantic or otherwise.

23:10Again, this is very much a universal human relating skill rather than just a romantic one. I hope you found that helpful and the broader series around conflict and communication helpful. And I look forward to seeing you again next time. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Finding a doctor is hard enough. Finding the right doctor, even harder.

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