#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner

0:00From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+.

0:32Somebody asked me how I define myself, and I didn't know what to say. Because how can someone be defined when we're always evolving? I've been so many things. I'll be so many others. Because identity is not a performance. It's an exploration. Never the same, but always myself. That's the paradox. Paradox Intense, and the new Sweet Chemistry by Prada. This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners, sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra. Palmolive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 % of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean.

1:21And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking about how to choose a life partner, which feels like a massive topic. And in almost 300 episodes, I don't think I've addressed it in such plain terms. And in truth, today's episode is going to be less about how to choose that person, how to find that person, and more me giving you some guiding questions to assess if you're in a relationship, whether that is someone that you maybe want to commit to.

1:59and build a life with. And I know so many people, particularly, who experience various flavors of relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, maybe fearful avoidant attachment, can experience a lot of doubt and reservations, even at the same time as you feel very attached to someone. Sometimes our fear and worry about the future can make it all seem very high stakes. And of course it is high stakes. Choosing who you're going to build a life with is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. and it's not one that you should make lightly or without intention. And I'm hoping that the guiding principles that I give you in today's episode might provide a bit of a scaffold or a framework to reflect on your own relationship or if you're not in a relationship at the moment that you can start to build out your own list or the things that feel really important to you around the kind of relationship you want to be in, how you want to feel in your relationship and what really are your non-negotiables for committing to someone and building a life together.

2:58Okay, so the first one is choose someone who you respect and admire and who you know respects and admires you. This we would hope would be obvious, but I think there are lots and lots of people. I know there are lots of people in relationships where these things are lacking, where there is a basic lack of respect, admiration, where you don't see your partner as being a person of character and integrity, and maybe you look down upon them or you disapprove of them. And yet you're still in the relationship and channeling all your energy into criticizing them into changing. And of course, that's not a very positive or healthy or conducive relational environment.

3:37And I think sometimes, and I say this absolutely from experience in a previous relationship, that I was very much guilty of not really feeling respect or admiration for my partner and yet persisting in the relationship. I think sometimes we do just have to zoom out and realize that these things should be an absolute bare minimum, that we really see our partner as being a person of integrity, as being a person of high character, of being a person that we really admire and look up to and feel proud to be with. And if those things are missing, if we don't see them in that light, then of course that's going to trickle into every aspect of our relationship.

4:15They're going to feel it. We're going to feel it. it's really hard to build a life with someone who you don't have that respect and admiration for and who you fundamentally disapprove of, the person that they are and the way that they live their life. So I think that respect and admiration should be really foundational to anyone that you're thinking about committing to and building a life with. Okay, the second piece is around trust and I think that trust is absolutely paramount. We can't have emotional safety without trust so So choose someone who you trust, who has demonstrated themselves to be worthy of your trust.

4:52I've spoken before about the fact that trust and trustworthiness go hand in hand. And it's sort of like, you know, laying bricks one at a time. We might open ourselves up and someone demonstrates themselves to be trustworthy. And so we extend that trust to them. And over time, we start to build this really strong sense of this is a person who I can depend on. This is a person who keeps their word. This is a person who can apologize when they get something wrong or make a mistake. This is a person who I know I can call and they will be there. This is a person who I can share vulnerably with and know that will be received with love and care.

5:29Trust is a lot bigger than just telling the truth. It's actually about the overall emotional environment of the relationship. And when that's lacking on any of those counts, whether it's that you feel like this person's unreliable or flaky or you feel like you can't bring vulnerable things to them because they shut down or they blow up or they get defensive, all of that can really erode the trust base of the relationship over time. And that's not insurmountable. It's not to say that if you're listening and you notice those factors being present in your relationship that the relationship's too far gone or that it's irreparable.

6:06But it is really important that trust be prioritized in a relationship and it needs to of course go in both directions but having this really deep commitment to one another to trust and trustworthiness to embodying that and part of that is absolutely repairing if there have been any breaches of trust if there have been any betrayals if there have been any ruptures that you feel have damaged that trust base so you definitely don't want to be committing to building a life with someone who you fundamentally do not trust and do not feel emotionally safe with because it's so hard to build anything healthy if that's not there.

6:43Okay, the next one is a little bit lighter and it is simply, do we love being around each other? Do we have fun together? Do we laugh together? Do we have a strong friendship alongside being romantic partners? Now, again, of course, we'd hope that this would be an obvious one, but I think it does bear mentioning that friendship, warmth, fun, lightness, play, these things are so cup-filling for a relationship. And if it's only ever pragmatic or logistical or serious or intense, that's really hard to sustain over the long term. And I think that having that baseline of enjoying each other's company, of having a relational environment, a home life that feels warm and loving and playful, I think that that builds so much connection in little moments that really contributes to the goodwill in the relationship over time and really helps to balance out the hard stuff because there will, of course, be hard stuff.

7:39It's not all going to be play and laughter every day for the rest of your life. But I think the more that you have that foundation of a really strong friendship and just loving each other's company, loving being around each other, loving sharing what happened in your day with each other, loving sharing the things that you're passionate about with each other. All of that contributes to a really solid base that supports the overall relational environment and certainly provides you with the strength to go through the hard stuff together. Okay, the next one is, do you have a vision for what you want for your lives?

8:12And is that vision that you each have compatible with the others? So this is more of a compatibility point. But if you have fundamentally different ideas of what you want for your lives, and certainly things that are quite binary around marriage or kids or what kind of lifestyle you want to live. If one of you wants to be in the city and the other wants to be on a homestead, clearly something's got to give there. And of course, there's always going to be compromise in relationships and you're not always going to see eye to eye. But I think having a broadly shared vision of what it means to live a good life, the things that you want for yourselves, I think that helps so much because I think it's just one less obstacle that you need to overcome if you do have different visions that feel like they're in competition with each other.

8:59And I think what can happen when you have competing visions and it feels like only one person can get their way, so to speak, that can be a really reliable way to build resentment. If one person feels like they're having to sacrifice what they want for their lives, and particularly if that's a big thing and it's a permanent thing, that can be really damaging to the relationship. and can lead to a lot of regret and resentment. So having a shared vision, and it goes without saying, being able to talk about that vision, being able to talk about the future, committing to someone who refuses to talk about the future is not a good idea because that is a recipe for anxiety.

9:35You can't really build a future with someone where there's this big cloud of uncertainty hanging over it. So being able to plan together, have those conversations and feel like you are building together, I think that's really important as well. Okay, the next one is choose someone whose difficult qualities are things that you can live with. So the things about them that challenge you, their flaws, their imperfections, their struggles, their emotional blocks, whatever, their history. We've all got things that can be challenging to live with and to deal with and that come up and we do have to confront and turn towards and all of that.

10:11So it's not about finding some person that is a clean slate and has no baggage, but we do want to find someone whose baggage doesn't cause us immense pain and suffering. Because of course, there will be certain partners who are a better fit for us and others who the unique combination of their stuff with our stuff might just be a perfect storm that makes it all too hard and painful. And where we're at, where they're at, our current capacity and skill level and all of those things, It might just be forcing something that is mainly causing pain and suffering. So I think there is a lot of discernment required in being able to look honestly at other ways in which we challenge each other, an invitation into growth and an opportunity for growth.

10:57Or is it just locking me in a really painful pattern that exacerbates all of my stuff and my stuff then exacerbates their stuff and we just stay stuck and maybe get worse? So I think being able to be honest with yourself about that and knowing yourself enough to know what's good for you, to know what you can live with, to know what you can handle, to know what you can tolerate. I think that's very wise to be able to make that call and to realize when someone else's challenges might just be too challenging for you or whether it's actually something where you can go through it together. Okay, and the last one that I want to share is that you should choose someone who you're able to band together with even in the hard moments and on your worst days.

11:44Now, that's not to say that you won't have conflict or that you perfectly execute teamwork and there's never a terse moment or anything like that. Of course, that's not realistic at all. But fundamentally, when life throws curveballs, when things get hard, when you're feeling vulnerable, when something happens, You get fired from your job or you've got a sick parent or some other big thing happens that feels overwhelming and scary. Are you able to come together as a team and support each other and be stronger for it on those hard days and through those hard seasons? Or do challenging things tend to divide you and turn you against each other?

12:21because for a lot of people, particularly when we've got a lot of insecurity and fear and protective patterns at play, when we're under stress, we can really turn on each other. And that can really be fuel on the fire of all of our underlying stuff. If we don't have the skills and the maturity and the capacity to actually see that happening and go, okay, this is hard. How can we be kind to each other through this? How can we support each other? How can we recognize that this is going to be a tough season and see what we each need and how we can come out of this stronger or at least come out of this still standing?

12:57I think if under stress, you and or they default straight to self-absorption and me and my needs and you're not supporting me and getting very oppositional, again, as is very common, it's not something that you need to be ashamed of, but stress can make us very selfish, then that can be tricky. And again, it's not something that you either have or you don't. It's certainly something you can develop over time. But if you know that the track record in your relationship is that whenever hard things happen, you turn on each other or it divides you or it foretells a big storm for the relationship, that's certainly something that you want to work on and look at and really consciously try and shift away from if you want to commit to building a life with this person because life can be hard and there will be hard times.

13:47And really the whole point of being in a long-term relationship is knowing that you have someone in your corner on those days. And I actually think there's immense grief in being in a relationship where you don't have someone in your corner who's meant to be in your corner. And that can be so heartbreaking to feel like something big happens and the person who you really want to be there and to make it feel a little bit lighter on those really hard and heavy days is unable or unwilling to do that for you. So that's really something to look for, to cultivate, to strive for in your relationships as well.

14:23Okay, so I hope that was helpful. I hope it's given you something to reflect on if you're in a relationship at the moment or if you're just thinking about a future relationship and some of the things that you might really look for and seek in a partner and seek to embody in a partner because of course it's not just about finding some miracle perfect person it's also about striving to embody and be the best partner that you can be so that you attract someone who is like-minded and has similar values and principles that guide their own relationships okay thanks as always for joining me guys so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback if you're on spotify you can leave a comment under the episode follow the show subscribe on youtube all of those little things that don't mean much to you actually are a huge help to me and help me to continue to grow the audience and for the show to find new people.

15:12So grateful as always for your support and I look forward to seeing you again next time. From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Why am I losing my heart? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers.

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