#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)

0:00From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+. From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic stuff like a half mile stroll. Get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all.

0:42From athletic to athletic, Sierra's got it. For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas. Even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up Rising. Flip the sip. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are trying something a little different. It is an Ask Steph episode, as we've done before. But I'm trialing something where I've invited listeners to submit a voice note.

1:30So to ask a question in their own words, and I'm going to share the voice note here on the podcast so that you can hear their story with a little bit more context than when I usually just read out a one line question. And we're going to be kicking off with that new format today as a bit of a trial. So I'm going to be sharing shortly a question that was submitted to me when I put the call out on Instagram. And I'm also going to put the link in the episode description for anyone who's interested in submitting a question for a future episode that might be then selected to form part of an episode of the podcast.

2:06And of course, totally up to you what you share. And I will not include any identifying information beyond what you've included in your voice note. So if you're concerned about privacy, then rest assured that you are in control of what you share and what gets shared. Okay. So with all of that being said, I'm going to hit play on this voice note that was submitted. Hi, Steph. I'm 77 years old. 45 years ago, I was in love with a man for four years. He wasn't ready to commit and I moved on. I had a 40-year marriage. My husband passed away three years ago. Last fall, this man contacted me and we've been together ever since.

2:47and it's been fantastic. Everything's been great. He was always the one that got away from me. Anyway, all of a sudden he's backing off. I don't know if you call it a fearful avoidant or not, but it was very sudden. And then slowly, he's not 100 % there. He still calls me. We still talk. He's just been diagnosed with cancer. So I've been trying to be there for him. But I don't know how to feel about all this. It's just, it's a lifetime of knowing this guy. And, you know, I'm just not sure. Any input? Okay, so thank you for submitting the question. And, you know, it's interesting. Obviously, the specifics of your situation are specific to you, but the broad contours are actually quite common, something that I encounter in answering people's questions and supporting students in my programs.

3:42This situation of being in a marriage or a long-term relationship and that ends whether because you separate or because a partner passes away. And then having this intense first relationship after that long-term relationship and that feeling like it really bowls you over and feeling like, you know, that's the one that's really activated a lot of your patterns or that's feeling really hard to let go of or that you're feeling very preoccupied with and consumed by. And I think it pulls on a few threads. There's the nostalgia and the longing of this being a person from 40 years ago, 45 years ago, that you once loved and that you had hope around and that you had to let go of once before and that you've always had in your mind as the one who got away.

4:35for him to re-enter the scene all these years later once your husband had passed away and you were presumably grappling with the reality of life without him after 40 years of marriage. And so to have this person burst back into your life like a flame and for you to be together, I can imagine that that would feel wonderful and that it might feel really revitalizing and that it's maybe brought an unexpected spark back to your life. You know, the joy and excitement of early connection with someone and particularly with all of that background and history. So it makes so much sense that that's been really amazing and that it's feeling so hard and so confusing and disorienting to have him pulling away and feel like he's slipping through your fingers and you don't really know what to do about it.

5:31And, you know, this is the part I think that many people listening who can't relate to the specifics will at least be able to relate to that sense of feeling really excited about a new connection, feeling really invested, feeling maybe like it's everything you ever wanted, but then to feel the shift happen and feel that turn and feel like something's changing and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. And of course, for most of us with anxious attachment patterns, the instinct when that shift happens is to follow. You know, if they pull back, our instinct is to lean in further, to give more, to ask more questions, to try and pull them back towards us or, you know, chase after them so that we don't lose them.

6:19But if, as you've suggested, he has fearful avoidant patterns or some other intimacy block, and you mentioned that he's been recently diagnosed with cancer. I mean, that's a very vulnerable time for him as well as for you, of course, loving him to know that he's unwell and in need of care, but feeling like you can't provide that. You know, that's very layered and there's a lot there. But I think it's important to understand that for many people and particularly people with more avoidant patterns, when hard things happen, Their instinct is not to lean on those closest. It's actually to pull back a lot of the time.

7:00And without knowing anything about what his life has looked like over the past 40 years while you were married, maybe he's not been accustomed to relying on others. Maybe that's still an edge for him. And his muscle memory tells him to pull back and that he's got to go it alone. he doesn't want to burden others, that it's better to not become too invested because it raises the stakes and maybe he feels more in control when it's just him and he can look after himself. Because I think that the reality is being cared for by someone is a vulnerable experience if it's not something that you're used to.

7:39Even at the same time as so many of us, I think deeply long for that care and support. Receiving it is a whole nother thing. So just to say that there's lots of pieces there and it makes sense that it feels hard in all of the ways that it does and that you would be feeling particularly vulnerable and maybe overwhelmed, feeling like there's this delicate balancing act where you finally got this precious thing that you've longed for for most of your life, even if kind of relegated to the background of your memory and to finally now have it and feel like it's slipping away whether because he's sick or because he's emotionally disconnecting somewhat it makes sense that your system would be really ramping up in response to all of that.

8:29Now of course that's all well and good but what do you do about it? I think there's a few pieces and you know whenever I'm giving people advice in these sorts of situations where someone's pulling away I'm always reluctant to give advice that falls into the category of strategizing with you to make them not pull away because I actually think that part of us that wants to strategize that wants to bring them back that wants to stop them from leaving that's part of our insecurity that we actually ultimately want to be shifting away from rather than continuing to rely on as the way that we create safety for ourselves because for most of us that's what we know and that's what we do, but it keeps us locked in this mindset and this pattern of I'm only okay if they're close.

9:15And so if they pull away my only job and the only thing that I can really do to create safety for myself to make it all be okay again is to get them to come back. And of course that sets up a real imbalance in so many ways and makes us feel incredibly vulnerable because ultimately we can't control whether they stay or go. So I think there's two pieces. Relationally, I think you've got to have a conversation and be really clear around, you know, what are we doing here? What is this connection that we are exploring with each other? What is it going to look like? What are our commitments to each other?

9:50What are the ground rules, so to speak? What are the parameters? Because for it to exist on his terms where he sort of comes and goes and, you know, sometimes is there and then sometimes pulls way back without really communicating. That's just such a recipe for anxiety for you, even if there's really good reason within him in that he's carrying a lot and he's overwhelmed and he's afraid. You know, you still exist in that equation and just letting him do as he pleases, you know, because you don't want to push him away or you don't want to put pressure on him. Again, that just sets up an imbalance that you probably don't want to be setting up for yourself.

10:28So you can absolutely have compassion for him. You can have a conversation that really honors how big this is likely to be for him, while also standing firm in what's going to work for you and what isn't going to work for you. And I think in order to have that conversation, you need to have a conversation with yourself first and foremost, where you figure out what the answer to that question is. Because again, for so many of us, when we want something, when we want someone, and we're just so desperate to hold on, we can really slip in what we tolerate and the version of that that we accept because we're scared.

11:07We're scared of the alternative being nothing, being losing them. But I think that really one of the most self-respecting, self-honoring things that you can do is get really clear for yourself. What version of this am I available for? And what is it costing me to be in the current mode where it's, you know, halfway in, halfway out, cloaked in uncertainty and leaving me feeling really anxious and worried and shut out. Obviously, that's not sustainable and it's going to continue to cause you pain and distress. And I think you have to be an advocate for yourself as much as you're an advocate for him, rather than just stepping into that role of accommodation and caretaking and flexibility and low maintenance and don't worry about me.

11:53I'll just take whatever I can get and let me take care of you. I think, you know, it's beautiful to want to be there for him through all of the seasons, but you need to make sure there's a you in there as well. So I think there's a conversation to be had with yourself around what version of this am I really longing for and what am I wanting to create here? and then being brave enough to have that conversation in a firm but loving way and trusting that whatever flows from that is the right outcome. And I think that's the really hard part because we can pluck up the courage to have the conversation, but if it doesn't go the way we're hoping, if they don't respond in a way that kind of meets us in our desires, then we can quickly backpedal and say, well, don't worry, forget what I said.

12:39We'll just continue on on your terms again because the alternative feels so painful and scary. but that is really where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment and we really have to be brave enough to not carry on if we know that it's going to cost us dearly in terms of our own well-being just to hold on to someone else. So I'm sending you lots of love. I can only imagine that this situation is bringing up all sorts of probably really old fears and wounds around abandonment and unworthiness and why won't he fully choose me? The fact that you'd been together all those years ago and then he couldn't commit and you had to let go, feeling like there's a reenactment of that pain all these years later.

13:23And of course, there's a big part of you that wants it to end differently. But I think that you just have to really be courageous in leading from self-respect and self-devotion at the same time as you're really a champion for the love story. And I sincerely hope that your love story with this person can continue because what an amazing story. But I think it's really important that you make sure you are cared for and respected in amongst that. And that is always our job first and foremost, to make sure that we're cared for and respected by declining to participate in dynamics where we are not. So thank you so much for submitting the question.

14:04I'm sending you lots of love. and for anyone else listening, I hope that this has been helpful for you. It's, as I said, a bit of a different format. It's not going to be every week that I'll do this, but I will weave them in subject to your feedback, whether you found this more coaching and advice style of episode helpful. So do feel free to comment and let me know if you've enjoyed it. And of course, if you would like to submit your own question, the link to that is in the episode description. And I suppose I should mention as well, this gives you a good feel of the kind of advice and support that I give to students in my programs.

14:36We have, you know, regular live Q &A calls where we can connect. And we also have a community space where people ask questions and I leave voice notes and offer my thoughts and advice on whatever it is that they are struggling with. So if that feels like something that you might benefit from, you might consider looking into one of my programs and the community support that goes along with that. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me guys, sending you lots of love and I look forward to seeing you. From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

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