#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't

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1:27and all of the things, but your attempts at getting through to your partner, at having conversations, at suggesting solutions are being met with dismissal or resistance or shutdown and you feel a little bit empty handed, which I'm sure what I've just described will be familiar to a lot of people. It's certainly something that I've dealt with at various points in my past relationships and even probably my current relationship in different seasons. and it's very real and it's very hard when we feel like we are trying in earnest to make positive changes but our partner is not joining us in that, they're not meeting us in that, they're not on board and we just don't really know where to turn, whether that means it's the end of the road for the relationship or whether we're not approaching it in the right way and of course I don't think that there's any one answer to that and it will always be influenced by so many different variables but in today's episode I want to share some thoughts about how you might get yourself unstuck some things that you can do places you can put your energy so that you don't feel like you're just banging your head up against a brick wall and then feeling frustrated and lonely and resentful which I think is where it often goes and where we often end up which is obviously not a nice place to be So that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode.

2:50Before I do, just a quick reminder that I have a lot of free resources on my website. Whether you're someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and you are looking to understand yourself better and your own patterns, there's plenty there for you. But I also do have resources for couples. I have a couples course, but I also have a free masterclass about anxious avoidant dynamics. there's so much there and it's really worth spending some time to dig into and download a few bits and pieces that you feel might be relevant to you and your situation so I'll pop the link to my free resources page in the show notes or you can head straight to my website at stephanierieg.com okay so let's talk about this what to do when you're feeling really stuck in your relationship and you're wanting to work on things and your partner isn't so as I spoke to in the introduction I really just want to validate how hard this can feel and how unfair it can feel.

3:44I think it really can feel very unfair when you are really trying and you're really wanting things to get better and you're even willing to own your part and your contribution and you're trying to approach it in a constructive way rather than devolving into blame and criticism and attack. If you're really trying to clean up your side of the street but your partner is still unwilling and is not engaging, that can feel like they're not holding up their end of the deal and that your hands are sort of tied because obviously you can only take it so far yourself. And so I just want to acknowledge again, from experience and from supporting so many people in this situation, how hard that can be.

4:27With that being said, I suppose I want to offer a couple of different perspectives on that situation because I think we can have some blind spots, particularly if you are the more anxiously attached partner in the dynamic, which I know a lot of my listeners are, and you're in a relationship with someone who maybe leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns. Because so often, as we've, you know, so many different areas, we can think that our way is the right way or the only way or the better way. And then we can, whether we realize it or not, judge our partner or impose that onto our partner and become a little bit righteous about the fact that they're not cooperating with what we're proposing and then feel like they're the problem.

5:10And it's such an easy place for us to go. But of course, anytime we get into that oppositional mindset of you're the problem, no, you're the problem. It's just, it's over before it's even begun. It's completely self-defeating and we're never going to get what we want out of that, which is ultimately attunement and connection. So to take a step back, I think it's important to acknowledge at the outset that for people with anxious attachment patterns, working on the relationship is kind of a positively coded thing. It's something that is likely to feel connective because when we're actively talking about the relationship, that almost reinforces the existence of the relationship.

5:45And there's a sense of connection in that. There's a sense of joint endeavor. There's a sense of building something for our future together. And all of that reinforces that we're in a relationship and we're going to continue to be in a relationship. And there's a sense of investment and all of the things. And that's comforting for someone whose tendency is to fear abandonment, to fear disconnection, to fear that things are all going to change and you're going to slip away and I'm going to lose you. So even if the relationship's feeling hard, working on it is always something that we're going to turn towards and be enthusiastic about rather than turn away from or be reluctant to pursue.

6:21On the contrary, someone with more avoidant patterns tends not to view working on the relationship as a positive thing. And there's a few reasons for that. The first being, and I've spoken about this on the podcast before, some of the underlying wounds of people with avoidant patterns, by contrast with anxious folks who tend to fear abandonment and rejection, people with more avoidant patterns tend to fear being controlled, a loss of autonomy. They tend to fear failure and have a lot of shame around not being a good partner and not doing a good job. And so they can really push back against any messaging that could be construed as you are disappointing me, or I am unhappy because of you.

7:04And oftentimes the, we need to work on the relationship and we need to go to therapy and we need to talk about all of the things that aren't working, that can register as you are failing as my partner, and I'm disappointed in you and I'm unhappy and you're not doing a good job. And that's really hard to turn towards with an open mind and go, great, tell me more about it. For someone whose blueprint tells them to turn away from those, you know, painful and difficult feelings rather than, you know, to rush in and try and fix them, which is the more anxious way. So it's not to say that any of that's right or wrong or better or worse.

7:41It's just context. And If you are really wanting to approach your relationship from a constructive place, you've got to be willing to get curious about the ways in which your partner might be different to you and why your very genuine attempts at whatever it is you're doing are not landing in the intended way with them and might be actually impacting them in a really unintended way and making them feel demoralized or discouraged or attacked, even though that's far from being your intention. So that's one piece that can create this resistance in avoidant partners to doing the work, because it just feels like a reminder of all of the things you're doing wrong and all of the ways that you're not, you know, meeting my expectations.

8:24But there's another big piece. And again, it can be a bit of a blind spot for those of us who are more comfortable talking about feelings and talking about relationship and are quite emotionally literate. Compare that to someone with more avoided patterns who probably has a lot less experience with articulating themselves, probably spends a lot less time thinking about the relationship dynamics and analyzing that and reading the books and listening to the podcasts and having a whole framework to make sense of it, it can really feel like there's a mismatch. And that to go to therapy, for example, or even just to sit at home and have a big conversation about what's not working, they can feel like I am no match for you in this conversation.

9:08You can just run circles around me in how quickly you can process it, how you can articulate yourself, the arguments that you can mount against me as to why I'm doing something wrong or why you're in the right. It can feel like a really unfair fight. And so when someone's feeling like that and they're feeling a bit cornered and they're feeling lectured to, and they're feeling like they're maybe intellectually or emotionally outmatched by their partner, just shutting down or refusing to engage is a bit of a power move. It's the way that they can feel like they're in control when they might otherwise be feeling really small.

9:46And again, that's not to say that that's then a reasonable or a helpful thing for them to do, but it's just looking at their refusal to engage or their reluctance to engage, not from a place of them not caring about the relationship, but actually it's just a form of self-protection a lot of the time. And again, if we can see that someone's feeling really intimidated by those conversations and really like they're almost unqualified to have those conversations because it tends not to go very well for them, the track record doesn't point to those conversations, being very helpful or them being able to effectively get their point across, just avoiding them altogether becomes a solution.

10:27Even if it's not a great one, it's at least a solution that protects them from that discomfort and the impacts that those conversations tend to have on the relationship, which oftentimes they're not actually helpful because we lack the skills to have them in a constructive way. So I offer that again, just to contextualize why someone might have resistance to doing the work in the way that you would naturally gravitate towards or that would feel good for you. And again, I'm going to just keep saying this because I know people are going to comment and protest. It's not to say that's therefore fine or justified.

11:05It's just to acknowledge that it's oftentimes not personal. And I think that contextualizing someone's behavior in the context of the things that are hard for them in relationships is not about giving them a free pass to continue doing that. It's just so that we can take it less personally and we can not interpret it through the lens of what it would mean if we were doing it. Because when we do that, then we craft this whole story of you just don't care. You don't care about when I'm upset. You should want to meet my needs. You just don't care about me or this relationship. If you really loved me, you'd want to hear about all the things I'm struggling with and all those other stories, which are really unhelpful because they just make you feel worse and they make you feel more upset, more angry.

11:44This greater sense of injustice and all of that energy coming to these conversations is not going to get you what you want. It's just going to add fuel to the fire of everything that I've just described. So all of that being said, I think a much more helpful way of approaching it, rather than making your partner wrong for not wanting to do the work in the way that you would like, is to open up a conversation and say, okay, I get that these conversations are hard for you. You don't really enjoy them or you don't think that they're helpful. And maybe also I get that you don't want to go to therapy.

12:21Can you help me to understand that? Where you're coming from? because the story I'm telling myself is that if you cared, you would want to do that. And I realize that's not a helpful story for me to be stuck in, but I'm struggling to see it from another perspective. So can you help me out? Or do you have any other suggestions? Because I get that my way is not the only way, but I also really want us to be able to feel more connected and for us both to feel better about the relationship. And it's felt hard recently. and that's scary for me because I don't want to feel like we're just turning our backs on each other and giving up but equally the suggestions that I'm putting forward you don't seem to be picking up so do you have any other ideas and saying all of that with a genuine spirit of openness and collaboration and invitation rather than saying it from a judgmental and righteous place of well I'm making all the suggestions and you're just saying no so you tell me what we should do.

13:17Like there's a complete tonal difference and even the same thing delivered from that different energy is going to elicit defensiveness and shutdown and disengagement. So be really mindful and be sincere in inviting collaboration and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than just assuming that they're being obstructive and difficult for the sake of it and it's all pointless and why do I even bother? I get it. I know that that's an easy place to go, but it's also not a helpful one if your goal is to actually get connection and engagement. So that is one piece and it's a big piece.

13:51The other key piece is this. In my work generally, when people come to me and they're having a really hard time in their relationship and they're trying all of the things to fix it, oftentimes my advice will be work on your own stuff first and foremost. Just leave the relationship drama for a bit because it's probably not going anywhere. Don't keep trying to engage and fix and address the problem head on when you know you've got your own stuff to deal with. And this can be a bit of a delicate dance because of course trying to shift your own patterns when the relationship is feeling really hard can be tricky.

14:33It can be asking a lot of your system if the relationship is inherently insecure and very triggering to kind of heal in your own mane when you're still getting triggered every day because the relationship feels fundamentally under a lot of stress and is triggering all of your wounds, then that might be equivalent to taking one step forward and two steps back. But if you can, and to the extent that you can, focusing on doing your own work, so building up a greater sense of self, and this is particularly if you know you really struggle with anxious attachment. Because for people with anxious attachment patterns, the fixation on the other person and their behavior and what they're doing and trying to control that so that we feel better, that's actually part of the anxious attachment pattern that we're trying to shift away from.

15:21We're trying to shift towards more agency, more self-awareness, more of a sense of, okay, what's within my control and how can I take responsibility for my own feelings rather than outsourcing them to my partner and then trying to control them so that I feel the way I want to feel. That is really bound up in a lot of our stuff. And so sometimes when we go into that relationship fixing mode from this place of grip and control and rigidity, that actually can keep us in our part of the dance, even though we are really earnestly trying to shift the relationship to a healthier place. because what can often happen, and God knows I was guilty of this in my previous relationship, is I'd say all the right things and I'd deliver the scripts.

16:06But then if my partner didn't meet me in that, which he often didn't, I'd very quickly snap back to blame and criticism and him being the problem and I'm doing all the right things and you're not coming to the table. And so it was a very flimsy attempt at almost performing secure attachment when I just didn't have the foundation within myself to really follow through on what I was saying I needed. I didn't have that deep self-worth and self-respect. And it was only for me when I did that work within myself that my relationship dynamics changed. And it just so happened in my case that I also changed relationships.

16:43But even still, doing that work within me allowed me to show up to my relationships completely differently and from a much sturdier place where I wasn't so prone to attacking and blaming and controlling and protesting and doing all of those things that are a natural expression of fear and insecurity. So it's not to say you're the problem, so fix yourself. It's just to acknowledge that all of these dynamics are dynamic and relational and that we contribute in our own ways. And for people with anxious attachment patterns, part of our contribution is that we are hyper fixated on the other person on what they're doing and what we'd like them to be doing and it's not a helpful place for us to put our energy and part of our work whether the relationship's feeling good or not whether we're in a relationship or not is actually learning to place our center of gravity back within ourselves because that allows us to take responsibility for what's ours it allows us to see more clearly it allows us to respond rather than react.

17:48It allows us to advocate for ourselves from a more healthy and grounded place. Really everything benefits when we build up that foundation within ourselves, which is the part that we've typically neglected. So I offer that again, recognizing that it can be really hard to do that work within yourself if things are feeling really hard in your relationship, because that naturally takes up so much of your focus and it can be challenging to create sort of an energetic boundary around yourself to do that work without being pulled back into whatever's going on in the relationship. But if at all possible, if you can just choose not to engage, choose not to focus on all the things that are missing, to not put the pressure on yourself to make a decision about the future of the relationship, if that's a piece as well, think sometimes when we're looking at our relationship through this lens of scrutiny and should I stay or should I go?

18:39Is it going to get better? Everything feels really high pressure and high stakes. And that just magnifies our threat perception with respect to everything that our partner does or doesn't do. And so just parking that and saying, I'm not going to make any decisions for the next however long. I'm just going to leave that there. And I'm going to focus on my own stuff because I know that there's stuff that needs my attention and focusing on my energy on what my partner's doing wrong is a really neat way to avoid looking in the mirror. And I know it takes a lot of courage and we can really feel like, but they are the one doing all of the things.

19:12And if they did change, everything would get better. And that might be true, but it's not the full picture. And it's also extremely disempowering and a really reliable way to feel angry and resentful and bitter and all of those things. So if you want to free yourself from that burden and you want to feel like there are actual things that you can do to exercise agency and to feel like I am creating some momentum, focusing on cleaning up your side of the street is always a good idea, no matter what's going on in your relationship and what your partner's doing or not doing. And with the added benefit that sometimes that can actually shift things without you directly pointing a fire hose at the relationship.

19:54Sometimes you shifting your energy and letting go of the grip there and not kind of looming over your partner and them feeling the energy of your judgment or criticism or scrutiny or need to fix and sort of shifting your focus back to yourself. Like sometimes that alone can really create a ripple effect that creates some space for your partner to step forward, to take some initiative, to move towards you. That change to your side, to your input, to the equation can actually create new experiences in the relational field. But even if it doesn't, you will always benefit from doing that work. So it's always worth doing no matter what your partner does or doesn't do in response.

20:36And I will just finish by saying that none of this is to suggest that you have to or should stay in a relationship that feels gridlocked, that feels lonely. And no matter what you try, your partner's not coming to the table, refuses to engage. You are absolutely allowed to feel like that is not satisfactory and that's not what you want. And I'm certainly not telling you that you should stay in that. That's something that only you can decide. And for me personally, I wouldn't be willing to be in a relationship where I felt like I couldn't talk to my partner about things that were bothering me and that we didn't have that open channel to work on things that felt important to either of us.

21:14But what I will say is again, going back to the self piece, oftentimes it's only when we do that work within ourselves that we can see that clearly and feel confident in our ability to make the right decision for ourselves for the future of the relationship if it does feel like it's at that level. It's a really hard decision to make from a place of fear and insecurity and low self-worth. So once again, all roads lead back to when we do that work within ourselves, our self-trust around both decision-making and our trust in our ability to handle whatever might come next is always going to benefit from us having done that work within ourselves.

21:52So if you are feeling stuck in your relationship, you really can't lose by focusing on your own stuff, on your own work, not because you're the problem, but because that's ultimately where your agency can be meaningfully exercised, where you can take responsibility, where you can take action rather than banging your head up against a brick wall and waiting for someone to be different or to change or to do what you want them to, which is a recipe for a lot of stress and frustration. Okay. Sending lots of love. I know what it's like to be in that situation. So if you're there, my heart goes out to you and I hope that you've gotten something from this episode.

22:28And thanks as always everyone for listening and for your support. And I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Why am I losing? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small.

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