#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph)

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1:00This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners, sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra. Palmolive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 % of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of how do I forgive myself for the way that I acted that ultimately led to the breakdown of my previous relationship?

1:44And this is coming from someone who has anxious attachment patterns and who has learned a lot about themselves and about their partner since the relationship ended and is now feeling a lot of shame and self-blame about what they did that they wish they could take back. And this is something that I get asked about a lot amongst people who come to this work often off the back of a relationship ending and learning more about the drivers of our own behavior, our own insecurities and the role that they play in contributing to the cycles that might exist in our relationships. Some people then find themselves really stewing in a lot of shame and self-blame and really struggling to forgive themselves, really feeling like punishing themselves or beating themselves up is a really natural place for them to go.

2:33And that only leads them to feel worse, not only about the relationship ending, but just about themselves and maybe even their future prospects, feeling like they are the problem, they are broken, and it all feels really hopeless. So if that's something that you can relate to in any way, today's episode is going to be a bit of a pep talk for you. Okay, so I've spoken before many times about how shame and self-blame is a really unhelpful place to go. When we're looking at our patterns, when we're reflecting on our past behaviors, it really is a hallmark of insecure attachment patterns to reach for blame.

3:09Whether that's blaming the other person or blaming ourselves, we tend to have this very black and white view of needing to find who the problem was, who was the villain, who was the victim, who was in the wrong. And oftentimes I think that's a byproduct of us lacking in compassion. Again, compassion for ourselves, compassion for the other person, because our insecurity and our fear wants to know who to blame so that we can figure out who needs to fix the problem. If we can identify that the other person is the problem, that they are selfish, that they are toxic, that they are a narcissist, that they are whatever, then we feel justified in our pain and we can feel relieved that the problems over there with them that nothing we did was part of the problem.

3:51And then we can feel a bit more complete about what might've been a really painful and confusing situation. Or on the other side, if we default to blaming ourselves, we can collapse into this place of I'm the problem. I ruin everything. I'm so anxious. I always push people away. I'm too much. I overthink everything. I'm too needy. I'm too sensitive. And I just have to fix myself so that that doesn't keep happening. and neither of those pictures is ever going to represent the truth in its entirety because relationships are always more complicated than that. It's never that simple or black and white but those parts of us that are afraid really like the certainty.

4:30Our anxiety likes the certainty of being able to clearly identify who the problem was, where the problem was and therefore what the solution needs to be. And so when it comes to reflecting on a past relationship and one that ended maybe that we didn't want to end and then learning about ourselves and I think any journey of learning more about your own patterns will include some of the less healthy expressions of those patterns and the ways that those patterns can contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It's really easy then to equate that with I was the problem or I ruined everything. If I had done things differently the outcome might have been different therefore I am at fault therefore I am the cause of this pain that I'm in.

5:15And then our anxiety can tell us to try and frantically backpedal and should I reach out to them and tell them all of the things that I've learned and all of the insights that I've now had and all of the ways that I see that I was actually part of the problem and I won't do it again and I'm going to be so enlightened now and maybe we should get back together. We try and scramble to erase the past with all of this new information that we've gleaned because to just sit in the pain and the sadness is really intolerable for the parts of us that tend towards anxiety and wanting to fix and mobilize and do something about the problem.

5:47So all of that makes a lot of sense. But I think that the more you reach for self-blame, and I realized that it's not an intentional thing, but the more you go there, the more you are reinforcing the low self-worth and the shame and the sense of brokenness that is at the very heart of all of the cycles that drive your unhealthy behaviors, right? Because when we feel badly about ourselves, when we feel like we are too much or too sensitive or too needy, or we always push people away, then that's our belief system that is guiding our relationship dynamics. And that's what we believe. And so we're going to be afraid of that happening and afraid of that being true.

6:29And so we react from a place of trying to protect against that. We try and suppress our needs. We try not to show emotion, but of course that doesn't work and is unsustainable. And in doing that, we're denying our needs and our feelings and we end up self-abandoning. And then that creates these really unhealthy dynamics anyway. And then we end up exploding and reacting and pushing someone away. And that ends up proving the story true. And so the shame is really driving that cycle and keeping it intact. So I think that we need to see that for what it is and really reckon with those parts of us that believe that shame and punishment and blame is how we're going to create accountability, right?

7:10Because a lot of people have this sense that without punishment, there will be no accountability. If I don't beat myself up, then there'll be no change. There'll be no pressure to do better next time or be different. But that just doesn't work. I don't know if you've noticed, but shaming yourself is not how you grow. Beating yourself up is not how you feel better about yourself and start changing your patterns. We need to be able to look at the things that we have struggled with historically and that we still struggle with through the lens of curiosity and compassion. And that is not the same as giving ourselves a free pass or letting ourselves off the hook or dusting our hands of any responsibility.

7:49It is simply to be able to reflect on the things that we've done and get curious around what was going on for me when I said or did that thing, because there's always some very real experience that we were having when we said or did the thing that we're now ashamed of and beating ourselves up for. But when we just look back in hindsight and tell ourselves that we are an idiot and ruin everything, there's no learning that actually happens there. It's just this collapse experience of shame. And so being able to look compassionately and going, okay, I don't like what I did, but I can see why I did it.

8:20Or I remember what I was going through when I did it and what need I was trying to meet or what fear or insecurity was in the driver's seat for me. and then we actually have something tangible to work with so that we can take the next step which is okay what needs my attention here next time I feel that way what can I do that would be healthier and more constructive rather than just acting out in a really impulsive way from fear that then leads to these unwanted outcomes and self-fulfilling prophecies of I always push people away. So it's only when we can engage in that meaningful reflection that is free from the burden of shame and self-punishment that we actually learn or grow.

9:03So really counter to that story or that belief of if I don't punish myself, there'll be no accountability and there'll be no change and no growth. It's actually the opposite of that. It's only when we can lift off that cloak of shame and go, okay, what was actually going on here for me and getting curious without self-judgment, that true accountability becomes possible in the sense of learning the lesson and going, okay, next time, here's how I'm going to approach that differently. So for me, that's really how you forgive yourself. That's how you learn the lessons. That's how you turn regret into a teacher rather than just stewing in shame and feeling worse about yourself.

9:41And then inevitably repeating some version of the same pattern next time, because all you've really done is further erode your self-esteem and your self-worth. And that sits at the root of so many of your fear-driven reactive behaviors in relationship anyway. Now, the other piece that was included in this question was, should I reach out to my ex to share all of those insights? Generally, my response would be no. Obviously, it depends so much on the circumstances, but I do think that it's a very anxious question in the sense of it is coming from the viewpoint and perspective of someone with anxious attachment patterns and assuming that someone with more avoided patterns is going to feel the same way and process things in the same way and they're going to be excited and delighted to hear about all of your attachment insights that you've had and the work you've been doing.

10:28I just think that more often than not, you're going to be disappointed by the outcome of that conversation because it's unlikely that they're going to be as enthusiastic as you are, that they're going to be open to hearing it, that they're going to be excited to learn more and want to give it another go based on what you've learned about yourself. I think more often than not that they've probably put it all in a box and moved on with their life just because people with anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process the endings of relationships very differently. And I've done episodes about that, that you can go and listen to.

11:02But I do think that more generally, when we grow and when we learn about ourselves, it is usually a better idea to take that knowledge with us into the future, rather than frantically trying to rehash the past and trying to undo the past and have a do-over because we're now seeing things differently. Of course, there are going to be circumstances where maybe that is a good idea and maybe that can work. But if someone ended a relationship with you and you haven't really had contact with them, reaching out months later to say, hey, I've learned all this stuff about myself and can I tell you about it?

11:39I think oftentimes that's for your benefit more than it's for theirs. And you might find that that conversation goes very differently in reality if they're even open to having it than it does in your head. So obviously up to you, obviously very circumstantial, but that would be my two cents on whether it's a good idea to reach out to an ex to tell them all of the things that you've learned about yourself since the breakup. I think more often than not, it's best to just leave that door closed and take the knowledge with you into the future rather than trying to backpedal into the past with it. Okay, thanks for the question, guys.

12:13Sending you lots of love and I look forward to seeing you. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall.

13:10Find fall your way at Ross.

13:16being new next time.