4 Effects a Sexless Marriage Has on a Man

0:00Emily Morse: One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Emily Morris.

0:37Emily Morse: Welcome to Sex with Emily. My mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. And for over 20 years, I've been helping people like you have better sex, stronger relationships, and just more confidence in and out of the bedroom. Because here's the thing, great sex isn't something we're just supposed to know how to have. It's something we can all learn. So whether you're looking for answers, advice, or just a little inspiration, I promise you are in the right place. And remember this, you can always ask me your questions, grab free guides, resources, and explore all my favorite sexual wellness products at sexwithemily.com slash ask.

1:15Emily Morse: All right, let's get into it. All right, you're in a long-term relationship. You're not having sex as often as you'd like, and you want it more than your partner does. Sound familiar? So what does that mean, and what can you actually do about it. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I'm host of the award-winning Sex with Emily podcast, and for over 20 years, I have helped millions of people like you have better sex, deeper connections, and I've really made it my mission to take the shame, confusion, and guesswork out of sex. So today, we're talking about four ways a sexless marriage can affect men, what's really going on, and how to start changing things.

1:51Emily Morse: All right, here's a version of a question I get all the time. All right, Emily, my wife and I haven't had sex in almost a year. I love her. I don't want her to feel pressured, but I'm starting to feel like she's just not attracted to me anymore. I don't want to take it personally, but it's just really getting to me. What am I supposed to do? First of all, I get it. It sucks. I know why this is upsetting. Because listen, when couples stop having sex, it's not always just the lack of sex that's bothering them. I mean, that's hard, but it's also what starts happening around it. You know, you start to question yourself.

2:27Emily Morse: Like, what's going on? And then you stop initiating because, well, you don't want to get rejected again. Maybe you just start feeling angry. You're like, is my marriage even going to last? And then some time goes by and you're like, we're not even talking about it anymore. You're both living with it. You feel like roommates. Now, there's no magic number that defines a sexless marriage. Some people are perfectly having sex once a month because they're both happy with it. Others want it more often. The problem is when one or both people are unhappy with the sexual connection, how often they're having sex, and they just don't know how to address it.

3:06Emily Morse: So let's talk about what happens and what you can do about it. Alright, first thing is you start taking it personally. Think about it. Your partner repeatedly turns down sex. It's so easy to start questioning yourself. What's going on? Does she still find me attractive? Did I do something wrong? Is she interested in someone else? And I totally understand why you got there. I mean, okay, let's say you've been married for 15 years. You get into bed, you start kissing your wife, and she says, I'm exhausted, not tonight. Okay, that's fine. But then it happens again and again. And eventually you're thinking, she used to be all over me.

3:41Emily Morse: What happened? Is she just not attracted to me anymore? Like what? And then after a while, you might stop initiating because you don't want to feel rejected because that's not a good feeling. But meanwhile, what's going on with her? She might just be dealing with a lot of stress. She might have hormonal changes. She might have some pain or maybe she's got resentments and neither one of you knows what's happening with the other person. And I've noticed that this hits men particularly hard because so many of men have grown up believing they're just supposed to be sexually confident. They're supposed to always be ready, always ready to go, always desirable.

4:16Emily Morse: So then your partner doesn't want sex and it's like, well, there must be something wrong with me. And men just don't always talk about that. And like, maybe you'll be that guy joking with your friends, like about not getting laid, but actually admitting how lonely or rejected you're feeling. Well, that's a completely different conversation. And what happens is over time, those feelings start to affect your mood, your confidence, your emotional well-being. But here's what I want you to understand. Just because your partner isn't interested in sex doesn't mean she's automatically not attracted to you.

4:53Emily Morse: There could be so many other things happening that have nothing to do with you. And sometimes there are relationship issues that really do need attention, but you really don't know until you ask. And if this is affecting your mental health, which it might, talk to someone you trust, qualified professional, because your emotional well-being matters whether or not your sex life improves. So when you start feeling rejected, you might just stop trying. There's a part of me that everyone sees. I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian. Apparently, I know what funny is. Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny.

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6:18Emily Morse: And not just when it comes to your sex life. So the next thing that could happen is you start pulling away, even from affection. All right. At first, you're initiating, you're flirting, you're trying to find real genuine moments to connect. But after enough rejection, you stop. And eventually, you might even stop reaching for your partner altogether. So here's a situation I think a lot of couples will recognize. You're sitting on the couch, you're watching TV, you put your arm around your wife, and then she tenses up because she's thinking, oh God, does he want sex? Because I am definitely not in the mood.

6:51Emily Morse: and then you feel her tense up and now you're thinking, wow, she doesn't even want me to touch her. So you move your arm. But here's what you might not realize, okay? She might actually want the affection. She doesn't want the pressure of feeling like every touch is going to lead to sex. So you want to touch and get close. And maybe in that moment you weren't wanting sex, but now automatically we've linked up touch with sex and neither one of you getting your needs met at all. So now neither one of you are reaching for each other. And that starts happening a few times. And then before you know it, you're not kissing.

7:28Emily Morse: You're not cuddling. You're not even holding hands the way you used to. And then that physical distance, well, that becomes emotional distance. You're like, I don't feel connected to her. I don't even want to plan dates. And then you're not even talking about your day anymore. And you're basically managing a household together. And maybe your partner thinks everything's fine because, well, at least you're not arguing about sex, but you haven't really resolved anything. You've just stopped bringing it up, but nothing's really changed. So what can you do? One thing I often recommend is taking the expectation of sex off the table for a while.

8:05Emily Morse: You might say, I really miss cuddling with you. Can we just lie together tonight? No, I'm not trying to have sex. I just want to feel connected. And then actually mean it. That's the thing. You can't actually say that and not mean it. Because you want your partner to feel comfortable being close to you without worrying about what comes next. And if cuddling doesn't feel good to them right now, just say, what kind of affection or connection would they enjoy? Because here's the thing. It's really important for couples to continue to have that intimacy of closeness and touch. We need that as humans.

8:38Emily Morse: It's called skin hunger when you don't have touch. So you can even explore touch without sex. I mean, massage is so great because a lot of times we're not having sex because we're so stressed out. But I know for me, like if my partner gives me like a 20 minute massage, I feel more relaxed. I feel more connected. And you know, sometimes I want sex after that. Not always though. Remember, we're focusing on taking sex off the table. I've actually put together a collection of my favorite sexual wellness products at sexwithemily.com slash faves if you're looking for a little inspiration. But remember, the goal here isn't to get your partner in the mood.

9:14Emily Morse: It's to make physical connection feel good and comfortable for both of you again. Now, if this has been going on for a long time, those feelings of rejection can start turning into resentment. So number three, you start feeling disconnected. And this is where you might feel like lonely. You're in the relationship, but you're lonely. And I think it's really common. I've heard more people say, I'm in a long-term relationship, but I've never been lonelier. And what you might do then is you're looking for outside validation. A lot of times a man who feels sexually invisible in his marriage might become more sensitive to attention from other women.

9:55Emily Morse: Now, I'm not saying he's going to go out and you start cheating and starting an affair, but just notice that behavior if it's coming up for you? Are you looking for validation elsewhere because you feel like, well, I'm just not getting filled up at home? Yeah. And the thing is like compliments and flirting and feeling that desire by someone else might become particularly meaningful because they're just fulfilling this emotional need that he feels is missing at home. So just take a look out for that. We don't know what's happening. Maybe she's experiencing pain during intercourse and like doesn't just know how to tell you.

10:27Emily Morse: Maybe she's overwhelmed or exhausted. You know, when we're overwhelmed and stressed, it does infect our life in the bedroom. Or maybe she's dealing with hormonal changes, or she's got some side effects of a new medication. Or maybe there really are unresolved relationship problems. Here's the point. You just don't know. So before you jump to conclusions, ask yourself this. What do I actually know and what am I assuming? Have I asked my partner how she feels about her sex life? And most importantly, are we both willing to work on this? Because you cannot solve a relationship problem entirely by yourself.

11:01Emily Morse: So instead of asking, when are we going to start having sex again, try this. I know we haven't been connecting sexually and I really miss that part of our relationship. Is this something you'd be willing to work on together? Now, maybe that means seeing a couple's therapist or maybe your partner needs to talk to a doctor about pain or other physical changes she's having. Or maybe you just really need time together without the distractions, without the phones, without the kids. Or sometimes you may discover that you want very different things from your relationship. Also important information. But at least now you're talking about what's actually happening rather than making decisions based entirely on assumptions.

11:42Emily Morse: If you want to connect more with Sex with Emily, I've got a store with all my favorite recommendations, sexual wellness products. You just go to sexwithemily.com slash faves. All right. So those are four things to look out for in a relationship where you're just not meeting on the same page when it comes to your sex life. And I want to remind you, this is so common in every relationship. So you're not alone. Mismatched desire is the challenge, but it doesn't mean there aren't solutions. So you really just, you know, it comes with a partner that has a growth mindset around sex. You both start talking about what does a sex life that works for both of you actually look like how does it work what do you both want and it's not a one time conversation and i promise you the more you start talking about it the more frequently you talk about it the easier it's going to get and i know you're going to come to a place where you're feeling more connected more alive and you're not just like guessing about what everything means you're actually being vulnerable with each other so you can have more pleasure in your life which is what we all want right that's what we want all right that's it for today and remember great sex isn't about knowing everything.

12:48Emily Morse: It's about staying curious, not judgmental, and communicating what you want and making your pleasure a priority. If you have a question for me, I want to hear it. Head to sexwithemily.com slash ask to submit your questions, grab some free guides, and find resources to help you have your best sex ever. You can also shop all my personally, you can also shop all my favorite personally curated sexual wellness products at sexwithemily.com slash faves. And if you want even more Sex with Emily, remember you can watch the podcast on YouTube, follow me at Sex with Emily on all platforms, and join my newsletter for more tips, advice, and updates, including where you can see me live on the Best Sex Ever Tour, which is sexwithemily.com slash events.

13:35Emily Morse: Thank you for listening, for being here, and for most importantly, prioritizing your pleasure. And as always, stay curious.