Curious About Anal?

0:00Emily Morse: One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Ultra running shoes are all about space.

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1:04Emily Morse: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at sexwithemily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook for even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter.

1:36Emily Morse: Shop my curated sexual wellness products and pics at shopsexwithemily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides, and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking Sex with Emily on the road. My new live show, The Best Sex EverTour is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q &A and we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experience it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships and we become very close by the end of the night.

2:13Emily Morse: Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for dates and tickets and thanks for listening or watching and for being here and thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

2:28Emily Morse: If you're curious about anal play, but the whole idea sounds like something you have to grit your teeth and get through, I want to change your mind about one thing right away. Now, a lot of people who think they're averse to anal play may be reacting to the version they experienced. It was rushed, they were underprepared, or it was just out of their control. Or they tried it once, it hurt and they assumed their body had given them a final answer. Pain is your body's way of saying slow down, change something, or stop. And sometimes the issue is more time, more arousal, more lubricant, or more control.

3:04Emily Morse: And sometimes your body's telling you that this is not for you. All the responses deserve to be respected. In this episode, I'm giving you a five-step comfort-first way to explore anal. By the end, you'll have a framework for preparing, beginning and recognizing which sensations can be normal, knowing when to stop and keeping penetration from becoming the goal. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctorate in human sexuality and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts, Sex with Emily, in the world for over 20 years. I've spoken with thousands of people about sexual questions that can feel vulnerable or intimidating.

3:43Emily Morse: Before we get into the five steps, I want to explain why so many people have a painful first experience with anal. Because once you understand what's actually happening in your body, all of this starts to make a lot more sense. The first thing I want you to know is that anal isn't just one thing. It's not all or nothing. External touch is anal play. A finger can be anal play. A toy can be anal play. Penetration is just one option and honestly, it is not the finish line. I think we get into trouble when we treat penetration like it's the goal instead of actually asking what feels good. I think we get into trouble when we treat penetration like it's the goal instead of asking what actually feels good because pleasure, not performance, is always the goal.

4:32Emily Morse: So many of us perform and when I say perform, I mean we do what we think our partner's like or we do it because we feel pressure but I only want you to do what feels good for you. And here's something else I want you to remember. The most important sex organ involved here isn't actually the anus. It's your nervous system. If you're lying there wondering, are they going to go too fast? Are they going to push? Is this going to hurt? Your body's already protecting you and that's exactly what it's supposed to do. A body that feels pressured tightens. A body that feels safe has a chance to relax. So there's a physical reason for that.

5:09Emily Morse: The anus has two rings of muscle. The outer one is something you can consciously relax and the inner one isn't. It's involuntary. You can't force it open and you can't wheel it to relax. It responds to time, to breathing, to arousal, and most importantly, feeling safe. And I always tell people to think about stretching a tight muscle. If you yank on it, what happens? It tightens even more. But if you slow down and you breathe and you move gradually and slowly, eventually it starts to soften on its own. And that's exactly the approach we're taking here. Everything else I'm about to share builds on that idea.

5:47Emily Morse: All right, step one, start with a real yes. Now this step happens before anyone even gets naked. Ask yourself, am I actually curious about trying this? Or am I doing this because I feel pressured, because I don't want to disappoint my partner, because everyone else is doing it, because I feel like I should? Those are very different motivations. And if it's not a genuine yes, it's a no. and no is a complete sentence. This isn't about convincing yourself to tolerate something. It's about exploring something you're genuinely interested in. Well, if the answer is yes, then let's make one thing really clear from the beginning.

6:25Emily Morse: The receiving partner is in charge. You decide the pace, the depth, when to pause, when to stop, and everyone agrees out loud that stopping is always okay. Now that may sound simple, but it changes everything because the moment you know and your body knows and your nervous system knows, I can really stop whenever I want has much less reason to stay guarded. And this goes for all the sex you're having. Make sure you always feel okay stopping and starting again or just stopping completely. You're in charge. Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible.

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7:57Emily Morse: Step two, set yourself up for success. Okay, let's answer the question everyone secretly wants to ask. What about the mess? Honestly, for most people, using the bathroom beforehand, taking a shower, basic hygiene, that's enough. You don't have to overcomplicate it. Some people choose to douche, some don't. And if you do, you just need plain lukewarm water. You don't need any chemicals. Don't overdo it because too much can irritate the tissue. And here's my biggest advice. Put a towel down. Bodies are bodies. A little mess, completely normal. Sex is messy and it's fun. Please don't let fear of perfection keep you from exploring something you're curious about.

8:37Emily Morse: Now let's talk about the practical stuff. Lube. Have plenty of lube. More than you think. Honestly, if you're using a toy, make sure it has a flared base. Always, because you don't want to get it stuck inside. It must have a flare base. Always use body-safe materials. And before you start, spend two minutes having conversation. So what's on the menu today? What's off limits? What's our stop word? What protection are we using? It doesn't have to be a big production. It just creates enough safety that neither of you has to make decisions in the middle of the moment. Step three, warm up your whole body.

9:13Emily Morse: Now, this is probably the biggest mistake people make. They go from kissing to anal. Like zero to anal. That doesn't work. You don't want to do that in about 90 seconds. No, no, no, no. Your body needs time. Start with whatever already turns you on. The stuff you already do. Kissing, touch, you know, oral sex, dirty talk, a vibrator, whatever helps your body feel relaxed and connected and aroused. Maybe you already want to have an orgasm first. Think of anal as something that gets folded into the sex you're already enjoying. Not the main event. And then once you're genuinely aroused, only then can you slowly move towards external touch.

9:54Emily Morse: Lots of lube. Did I mention lube? Slow breathing, no rush, and just stay there as long as it feels good. And here's something I really want you to hear. If external touch is your favorite part, wonderful. You don't have to graduate to penetration. There isn't a prize waiting for you. So if that's where your pleasure lives, that's a complete sexual experience, full stop. Step four, move in layers. Think progression, not pressure. Maybe today it's just external touch. There's a lot of sensitive, you know, feelings outside the anus that can feel, a lot of sensitive nerve endings outside that can feel really good when touched.

10:35Emily Morse: Or maybe another day it's just one finger or another day it's a small toy. Maybe penetration never happens. That's okay. But at every step, I want you to pause, check in, let your body adjust. The receiving partner decides whether to stay exactly where they are, go back move forward or stop that control is incredibly important i can't tell you how many times someone has told me emily i tried anal once it hurt i guess i hated it i'm done and then when i ask a few questions i dig deeper i'm like well how much did you warm up how much lube did you use did you feel completely in control and almost every single time the answer is no not really And that doesn't mean everyone will end up loving anal.

11:23Emily Morse: Not everyone loves everything. I don't know any sex act that every single person loves. Some people won't. Also, perfectly okay. But it doesn't mean a painful first experience isn't always your body's final answer. Pain is information. Now, sometimes it means slow down. Sometimes it means change something. And sometimes it means stop completely. Listen to it. Listen to your body. But my main point here is I don't want you to rule anything out because it wasn't done in a way that is the correct way that could actually lead you towards more pleasure. Step five, listen to your body and talk about it.

12:00Emily Morse: Your body is going to give you feedback. It always does. We just have to learn to listen. Now, some sensations are completely normal. A feeling of fullness or pressure, needing a minute to adjust and breathe. those are all invitations to slow down and check in. Sharp pain, severe pain, bleeding that continues, numbness, like pain that sticks around afterward, those are signals to stop. Maybe seek medical help if you're bleeding, like stop. Pain isn't something you're supposed to push through ever, ever with any kind of sex, with anything. And afterward, talk about it. What felt good? What surprised you?

12:41Emily Morse: What might you do differently next time? What would you skip entirely? Those conversations build trust. And trust is what makes every future experience feel so much safer. Now, I want to clean up a few myths while we're here. Pain shouldn't be the expectation. Just relax, not helpful. Spit is not enough lubrication. And penetration isn't what determines whether anal play was successful. You know what does? Pleasure does. Did you feel connected? Did you feel safe? Those are the things that matter. So if you're curious about stepping into anal play, remember these five steps. Start with a real yes.

13:24Emily Morse: Set yourself up for comfort. Warm up your whole body. Move in layers and let your body's feedback guide you. Not your expectations, not your previous experiences. I mean, maybe you'll discover that anal becomes something you really enjoy. and maybe you'll decide, nope, not for me. Both are completely healthy outcomes because the goal was never to prove you could do it. The goal, this is important, the goal was to discover what actually feels good in your body. And that's really what good sex is all about. Staying curious, communicating, exploring, and listening to your body. And remember that pleasure, not performance, is always the goal.

14:08Emily Morse: thanks for listening to sex with emily was it good for you follow me on all social media sex with emily you can also check out my website sex with emily.com and please subscribe to the podcast which is available on all podcast platforms as i head into my 21st year you can find them all also i'm going on tour if you want to check it out go to sex with emily.com slash events don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.

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