Five Unsexy Tips for Better Sex Every Time

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1:04Emily Morse: Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at sexwithemily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, for even more sex and relationship advice. and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter.

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2:29Emily Morse: five unsexy tips for better sex every time if your sex life has been feeling off lately you know you're not wanting it as much you're not getting turned on as easily and if you've started wondering what is wrong with me is it my libido is it my relationship i want you to consider something maybe your sex life doesn't need fixing how about that maybe the conditions around your sex life do. Today I'm giving you five very unsexy things that can make your sex life a whole lot better. Sleep, comfort, time, what's actually happening in your body, and mental load. I know, hot, right? After 20 years of helping people improve their sex lives through my podcast, Sex with Emily, I can tell you we're way too quick to decide low desire means, well, I've lost my libido, we've lost the spark, something's wrong.

3:16Emily Morse: Sometimes the conditions for desire just suck. So before you diagnose yourself or your relationship, let's take a look at what might actually be getting in the way. Oh, and when we get to number three, you're probably going to roll your eyes at me. Okay, let's start with number one. Tip one, stop making sex the last thing on the list. Okay, this one sounds incredibly obvious, but I swear I see couples do this all the time. Stop making sex the last thing on your to-do list. Because if you're exhausted, I do not care who walks through the door. It could be your biggest celebrity crush naked holding a glass of wine saying, Emily, I'm here.

3:51Emily Morse: And I might still be like, amazing. Can you get me some water and turn the light off on your way out? I think we forget how much energy sex actually requires. We have this fantasy that if we're really attracted to someone or if the relationship is really good, we should somehow be able to transcend exhaustion. Like desire is going to swoop in and override the fact that you've been awake for 17 hours. But your body does not work like that. I hear from couples all the time you say, Emily, we never have sex anymore. And one of the first things I want to know is, okay, when are you trying to have sex?

4:25Emily Morse: And inevitably, it's like, well, at night. I'm like, okay, what time? And they're like, 1130. I'm like, okay, let me get this straight. You worked all day. Maybe you dealt with your kids. You made dinner. You cleaned up. You answered emails. You walked the dog, you got into bed, you scrolled Instagram, you watched three episodes of something you're just not even that into. And then 1147, one of you rolls over and is like, so want to have sex? No, I want to go unconscious. And then one person feels rejected and the other feels guilty. And suddenly something that might actually be about timing becomes a whole relationship issue.

5:01Emily Morse: So my unsexy tip is stop giving sex the leftovers of your energy. Find a time when you have the actual life force left in you. You know, maybe that's Sunday morning. Maybe it's before dinner on date night. That's a big one. Because you know what happens on date night. You go to dinner and then you're like, fuck, we're so tired for sex. Have sex before dinner. Maybe it's a random afternoon when the house is quiet. Maybe you both work from home and suddenly realize, wait, we have 30 minutes and nobody needs anything from us. Use it. You do not need the perfect romantic window with candles, freshly washed sheets, and three uninterrupted hours.

5:37Emily Morse: You need a real window. And if your schedule is truly brutal, start smaller. 20 minutes, put phones away, get into bed together, make out, give each other a massage, just be naked, talk, touch each other without immediately deciding where it has to go. The goal isn't to manufacture sex. It's to stop asking your nervous system to go from emails, traffic, dishes, deadlines, signs doom scrolling to seduction in 30 seconds. That's a pretty aggressive gear shift, right? Like how do we actually do that? And I think we're all trying to do that and we never give ourselves grace and realize I can't switch that quickly.

6:17Emily Morse: So don't give sex whatever scraps of energy are left at the end of the day. Give it a better time slot. You might be shocked by what happens when you try to have sex at a time when you actually want to be awake. Think about that. Number two, lube is not a report card. I need everyone to hear this because I've been answering some version of this question for 20 years. Emily, I need lube now. Does that mean I'm not turned on or this? My partner wants lube. Does that mean she's not attracted to me? No. Lubrication and arousal are related, but they're not the same thing. You can be wildly turned on and not particularly wet.

6:57Emily Morse: You can also be lubricated and not particularly turned on. Your vagina is not the lie detector of your libido. And lubrication changes for all kinds of reasons. It's like our hormones, medications, stress, wherever you're at in your cycle, perimenopause, menopause, breastfeeding, like our bodies change. I cannot tell you how many women have said to me, almost apologetically, but I never used to need lube. And I'm like, okay, you also didn't always need reading glasses. You know, we don't need to turn every bodily change into a crisis about what it means about our life. Do you use moisturizer on your face?

7:37Emily Morse: Conditioner on your hair? I'm always changing up the conditioner on my hair. I'm actually always changing up the moisturizer on my face. Do you sunscreen? Great. So, You already understand lube. It's a tool that makes something feel better. And here's where I actually care about this. I don't want you having sex that's dry, uncomfortable, or painful because you think, well, I should just push through this. I've talked to women who slowly started avoiding sex because it became uncomfortable. And their partner is obviously thinking, she doesn't want me. And she thinks, why don't I want sex anymore?

8:12Emily Morse: But every time they have sex, it hurts. Of course, your body isn't exactly sending you that calendar invite for more of that. Your body remembers even if your brain doesn't. So just use lube. Give yourself more time to get aroused. Take penetration off the table when it doesn't feel good. And if pain or dryness is new, persistent, or just keeps showing up, talk to a clinician or a sexual health specialist who actually listens to you. You don't need a gold star for tolerating painful sex. Okay, got that out of the way? You know, comfort isn't the only consolation prize of good sex. Comfort is one of the things that allows pleasure to happen.

8:54Emily Morse: Tip three, put possibility on the calendar. Okay, I promise you number three was the one people roll their eyes at. Here it is, schedule sex. I know, I know, nothing gets you hotter than a Google Calendar invite that says sex Thursday, 8.15. But before you dismiss me, let me ask you something. How is waiting for spontaneous sex working for you? Because that is what I hear from couples all the time. We want sex to happen naturally. Okay, but when? You both work, you're exhausted, maybe you have kids, you're running around all weekend, and one of you wants sex in the morning and the other one wants sex at night.

9:30Emily Morse: And you're basically waiting for this magical moment when you're both rested, turned on, showered, emotionally connected, the house is clean, and nobody needs anything from you. And somehow you're both free exactly at the same time. Good luck with that. Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further. To feel better. To do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with Ultra Fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, Ultra Fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there.

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10:46Emily Morse: And here's the thing. I'm actually not telling you to schedule sex. I'm telling you to schedule the possibility of sex. That's very different. Maybe Thursday night is just phones away. We're getting into bed early. Maybe you take a shower together. Maybe you give each other a massage. You make out like you used to. Put out a toy. You know, lie there naked and talk. Maybe you have sex. Maybe you don't. The agreement isn't Thursday, 8.15, penetration must occur. The agreement is we're making room for us. I worked with a couple who kept telling me they wanted sex to be spontaneous because that's how it was at the beginning of their relationship.

11:24Emily Morse: And I was like, okay, but think about the beginning of your relationship. You planned the date. You picked out what you were wearing. You thought about them all day. You shaved, you know, whatever you wanted to shave. You got excited driving over there. That's anticipation. We romanticize spontaneity, but a lot of what we remember as spontaneous sex actually had hours or days of anticipation built into it. But now you've been together for 12 years and you're expecting that same erotic energy to just magically appear between loading the dishwasher, putting the kids to bed. No, won't happen. Put some possibility back in there.

12:06Emily Morse: And I love this because it also leaves room for a no. Scheduling time together does not mean the other person owes sex. Initiation is opening the door. It's not dragging someone through it. So if Thursday comes around and one of you is exhausted, fine, make out for 10 minutes. You know, go to sleep touching. You still showed up for the relationship. Remember this, pressure kills desire. But anticipation? Curiosity? Knowing like, ooh, Thursday night is ours. That can actually feed it. So no, planned intimacy isn't less romantic. And for most adults with jobs and kids and responsibilities and very, very busy brains, planning is sometimes the only reason romance gets a fighting chance.

12:52Emily Morse: Tip four, your sex life does not live outside your body. Here's something I wish we talked about more. Your sex life is part of your health. We have this weird tendency to treat libido like it's operating out of its own little department. Meanwhile, the rest of your body is like, hello, we're all in the same building. I talked to a woman who told me her desire has completely disappeared. She loves her husband. She was super attracted to him. And they'd always had a really good sex life. So we started talking and somewhere in the conversation, she actually casually mentions, oh yeah and I haven't really slept through the night in months.

13:31Emily Morse: I'm sorry what? Like that is not a footnote. That's important information because sleep, hormones, medications, stress, physical health, all these things can show up in your sex life. And I've experienced versions of this myself. Like there have been times when I thought where did my desire go? And then I zoom out and I look at what's happening in my body and in my life and I go oh, of course, of course, I haven't been sleeping or I've been traveling a lot. You know, I was really sick a few weeks ago. I'm just not quite myself yet. So listen, if something changes sexually, pay attention to the change, not with panic, with curiosity, especially if sex suddenly hurts.

14:12Emily Morse: Your desire dramatically changes or orgasms feel different or your body isn't responding the way it normally does. And please don't let three TikToks, the internet, and algorithm diagnose you. talk to somebody who understands sexual health and that is not everybody. That is not every doctor that you might have been seeing previously. It's doctors who specialize in sexual health and hormonal health. Sometimes the most useful sex advice is a new position or more foreplay. It's listening when your body gives you new information. And before we get to number five, here's one practical thing I want you to do from tip two.

14:50Emily Morse: Put lube where you actually have sex, not buried in a bathroom drawer not somewhere you have to get up naked and just go searching for it that's so annoying put it within arm's reach what i really like is slick lid h2o it's a water-based unscented it works with condoms and toys and it's an easy everyday lube to keep by the bed has a little flip top and don't wait until sex is already uncomfortable to use it use it early and more of it when you want more okay that's it and if you're interested in liquid h2o head to shopsexwithemily.com. I'll also put a direct link in the show notes below. Okay, number five, you cannot go from project manager to sex goddess in 30 seconds.

15:31Emily Morse: Okay, number five might be the least sexy of all of them. Or as I like to say, you can't go from project manager to sex goddess in 30 seconds. Picture this. You've been working all day, you get home, you're figuring out dinner, there's like laundry somewhere that needs attention, you remember the dog needs something, somebody's got a birthday this weekend and you're standing at the sink thinking about the six things you still need to do before you go to bed. Then partner comes up behind you they start kissing your neck and is thinking maybe this is going somewhere and you're thinking did anyone move the laundry to the dryer?

16:06Emily Morse: Same kitchen very different experience and then it gets worse because now you notice they're trying to initiate sex and another task gets added to the list. Oh shit, sex. I haven't done that either. That's the exact opposite of what we want. Sex cannot become item number 14 on your to-do list. And this is where couples get caught in a really painful loop. One person is thinking, why don't they ever want me anymore? And then the other person is thinking, I want you. I just don't want one more person needing something from me. Those are two very different things. And I've heard some version of this story thousands of times.

16:43Emily Morse: Someone tells me, by the end of the day, I just don't want to be touched. And then they describe their day and I'm like, of course, you've been making decisions and taking care of everyone since 7am. Your brain has been running a small corporation. And now at 1030, we're expecting to be like, great work, everyone. Shut down operations. Time to be erotic. Doesn't work like that. And this isn't about women versus men. It's really whoever is carrying the invisible load can end up here. The one who's like making all the decisions. but I do want couples to understand that sometimes the hottest thing you can do for your sex life happens hours before anyone gets naked.

17:18Emily Morse: It's noticing what needs to be done without being asked. It's taking something completely off your partner's plate and not just, tell me what you need me to do. Because now, I'm managing you, I'm managing the tasks. That's still project management. I remember someone telling me that what she wanted most from her husband wasn't some elaborate date night. She wanted him to own dinner. Not ask like, what are the ingredients? Not text her from the grocery store six times. Just, I've got dinner, babe. And she said the sexiest part wasn't even that he cooked, although that was nice. It was that for one night, her brain didn't have to hold it.

17:55Emily Morse: That's the piece. Instead of waiting until you're furious and saying, you never helped me, try, I miss us. I'm having a hard time getting out of task mode lately. Can we look at what's taking up all of our bandwidth? See, now it's not you versus me. It's us versus the problem. And that is partnership. The part I don't want you to miss. Okay, and please don't leave here thinking, great, now I need to sleep eight hours, schedule sex, call my doctor, reorganize my entire household by lube, and become sexually enlightened by Friday. Please don't. Your sex life does not need to become another wellness project.

18:37Emily Morse: Pick one thing from today. The one where you went, oh shit, that's us. Start there. And none of this means you owe anyone sex. There's no duty sex, no guilt sex, no pushing through pain. Scheduling intimacy doesn't mean sex has to happen. A real yes requires the freedom to say no. And that's really what I want you to take away from all this. We spend so much time looking for the sexy thing that's going to fix our sex lives. a new position, a new toy, a new technique. And sometimes the thing that changes everything is ridiculously unsexy. Go to bed earlier, use a lube, put Thursday on the calendar, call the doctor, do the damn dishes without being asked.

19:23Emily Morse: Not exactly the cover of a romance novel, but it might get you a lot closer to having the sex you actually want. Okay, so tell me below which one made you go, oh shit. That's me. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sexwithemily.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms. As I head into my 21st year, you can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events. And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter.

20:04Emily Morse: Thanks everyone for listening. Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026.

20:34Visit apple.com slash apple watch series 12. Mr. Monopoly here. Miss me? Monopoly is back at McDonald's with millions of prizes. A 2027 cheap charity. A Carnival Cruise vacation. Gift cards from DoorDash and Best Buy. Peel then play in the McDonald's app. Get your bag. No purchase necessary. 50 US and DC age 18 plus. See play at mcd.com for rules and play at mcd.com slash AMOE for info and playing without purchase by mail by November 2nd. Chance card game ends November 8th. Game ends November 22nd, 2026. See rules for price details. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro.