I answered Men’s Most Taboo Sexual Questions

0:00Emily Morse: One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Fall never arrives all at once.

0:39First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

1:04Emily Morse: So how long is sex actually supposed to last? What if you lose your erection in the middle of sex, even though you're really attracted to your partner? And is it bad to masturbate every day? These are the questions I get from men all the time. And a lot of guys are embarrassed to ask because they think they should already know the answers. But nobody's born knowing how sex is supposed to work. And a lot of what men learn about sex comes from porn. Their friends are just figuring things out on their own. So today, we're answering seven questions men don't always feel comfortable asking. For 20 years, I've helped millions of people have better sex and deeper connections.

1:40Emily Morse: I'm Dr. Emily Morris, hosting the award-winning Sex with Emily podcast. And I've made it my mission to take the shame, confusion, and guesswork out of sex. And remember, you can always ask me your questions, grab free guides and resources, and explore all my favorite sexual wellness products at Shop Sex with Emily. Just head to sexwithemily.com slash ask. Also, watch full episodes on my YouTube channel. Let's start with one of the questions I hear all the time. Is it bad to masturbate every day? No. Listen, there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbating every day. Some people masturbate daily, some a few times a week, some rarely.

2:18Emily Morse: What matters isn't the number. It's whether it's having a negative impact on your life. For example, is it interfering with work or your relationship? Are you doing it even when you don't really want to, like you feel like you can't actually not do it? Is it causing irritation or distress? In other words, are there consequences? How is it impacting your life? And masturbation can be a great way to learn about your body. So I'm a fan. It doesn't mean you're unhappy with your partner or that something's missing from your sex life. But here's something worth paying attention to. So let's say you've been masturbating the same way since you were 15.

2:53Emily Morse: Same hand, same pressure, same speed. You know. You know exactly what works. You could have an orgasm in three minutes. But then you're with a partner and you can't orgasm the same way. Now, that's not necessarily something going on with your partner. You might just really be accustomed to that specific kind of stimulation. So what I want you to do is experiment a little. Try a letter grip. use some lube, change your speed. Notice what kinds of touch feel like. And if you're having trouble organizing with a partner, you can show them what works for you. So masturbation starts feeling out of control or is interfering with your life.

3:31Emily Morse: Well, that's worth getting support for. But masturbating every day by itself, not a problem. So just look for the impact it's having and then you know if there is an issue. And I'm always here to help. Okay, the next question, how long is sex supposed to last? Well, first of all, what do we mean by sex? Are we talking about penetration? Because that's how the majority of people think about sex. Because if we're only counting the minutes your penis is inside somebody else, well, we're leaving out a lot of what makes sex pleasurable. There's so many factors. There's kissing and touching and oral sex and clitoral stimulation.

4:07Emily Morse: That's all sex too. Now, there was a study that found the median time from vaginal penetration to ejaculation was about 5.4 minutes. So five minutes. And that's not a goal. That's just what researchers observed. So there's no ideal number of minutes everybody should be aiming for. But think about how much pressure men put on themselves to last longer. It's like, I don't even know that anyone else wants it to last as long as men do. They're like obsessed that like lasting longer means that they're better lovers. So you're having sex and you're thinking, am I going to finish too soon? Should I slow down?

4:44Emily Morse: Is she enjoying this? How much longer can I go? Meanwhile, your partner might be thinking, I wish she kissed me more. I wish she touched my clitoris. You're so busy trying to last that you're not paying attention to what actually feels good. Here's something important. Most women don't consistently orgasm from penetration alone. Most don't. Many require other kinds of stimulation. So longer penetration doesn't automatically mean better sex. So instead of asking yourself how long you're supposed to last, ask your partner, hey, what do you actually enjoy? Maybe she wants more kissing, more oral sex, more touch, more time getting aroused, getting turned on, getting in the mood.

5:29Emily Morse: or maybe she likes penetration exactly the way you're doing it. But you won't know unless you ask. And if you constantly ejaculate sooner than you'd like and it's causing distress, there are treatments and techniques that can help. So talk to a qualified clinician or a sex therapist or go to my site, sexofthemily.com. I've got so many great resources for you. So the goal isn't to last a certain number of minutes. It's for both of you to enjoy yourselves. Next, what if I lose my erection even though I'm really attracted to her? Okay, let me lay this out for you. You can be incredibly attracted to someone and still lose your erection.

6:07Emily Morse: I know, it's frustrating. I think a lot of men assume that if they're turned on, their penis should automatically cooperate. But erections aren't quite that simple, as you know. They involve your nervous system, your blood vessels, what's going on with your hormones, your brain, what you're thinking about, and really your overall health. I mean, everything's impacting your erections. Stress, if you've been particularly stressed lately. If you have anxiety. How much alcohol have you been drinking? Are you taking any new medications? Maybe you're just exhausted. All of these things can affect your erections.

6:43Emily Morse: And then sometimes the anxiety about losing your erection becomes the very thing, making it harder to maintain one. So there's that. Now, let's say you're with someone new. You're so attracted to her. You've been looking forward to having sex. been thinking about it all week and suddenly you feel your erection blowing away. And now you're thinking, oh no, not now. She's going to think I'm not attracted to her. And then the more you try to force yourself to get hard again, the more anxious you get. So it's this loop. So here's what I recommend first. Stop treating your erection like the most important thing happening in the room.

7:18Emily Morse: It's not. You can still kiss and touch and have oral sex and use your hands. I've talked about oral sex a lot in this episode. That's just a hint. Hint, hint. Use your hands. You don't need an erection for every kind of sexual pleasure. And listen, say something to your partner. Try this. I'm really into you. I'm just getting in my head a little. That's enough. Because otherwise, she might be lying or thinking, is he not attracted to me? So now you're both worrying about something neither of you have actually discussed. And if you notice reoccurring erection challenges or something new, talk to a doctor, a urologist.

7:55Emily Morse: Erection difficulties can sometimes be an early sign of cardiovascular problems, related diabetes, I want to freak you out here, medications, or other health conditions. So don't assume it's always psychological. Next question I get all the time. I don't wake up with an erection in the morning. Should I be worried? Oh, not because of one morning. Men have erections throughout the night, often during REM sleep. Sometimes you happen to wake up during one of those erections. Sometimes you don't. So waking up without an erection doesn't automatically mean anything is wrong. Now, if you're noticing a consistent change over time, that's something to pay attention to.

8:32Emily Morse: So many things impact it. Like I said, your sleep quality, your age, how stressed you are, your overall health, all of that plays a role. So let's say you're 45 years old and suddenly realize you just don't wake up with erections the way you did in your 20s. Can you start Googling it? and now you're convinced your testosterone has crashed. But maybe you're only sleeping five hours a night. Maybe you've recently changed something up with your medications or your health. You know, there's so many things that could be going on. So do not diagnose yourself based on one symptom. Now, if you're noticing persistent change, especially along with difficulty maintaining erections during sex, definitely go see your doctor.

9:14Emily Morse: Or urologist can help evaluate what's going on and check it all out. But just one time or a few times is really nothing to worry about.

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10:25Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

10:53Emily Morse: Next question. Why can I orgasm alone but not with my partner? Okay, so here's the deal. When you're masturbating, you know exactly what works. Think about it. You control the pressure, the speed, the position, the fantasy, everything. You're not worried about whether somebody else is enjoying themselves. You really get to be all about you. But when you're with a partner, there can be a lot more going on. Maybe you're worried about taking too long and you're wondering whether your partner's getting bored or whether she's into you or am I doing the right moves? Maybe you're monitoring their reactions instead of paying attention to your own pleasure, which is common.

11:31Emily Morse: And sometimes you're just used to a very specific kind of stimulation. Think about a guy who can orgasm easily when he masturbates, but during partner sex, he starts thinking like, why is it taking me so long? Is she annoyed? Does she think I'm not into her? And then she might be thinking, why can't he finish? Am I doing something wrong? Is he not into me? And so now they're both in their heads instead of enjoying themselves. So first, just pay attention to your masturbation habits, you know? Because what can happen with men is you're really used to a very specific grip. Maybe it's really tight and you hold your hand in a certain way.

12:07Emily Morse: And that is what your body is used to. So when you're having other kinds of sex, it feels differently. So, you know, if you're always masturbating in the same position or you're going really fast. So you could also vary those things and try mixing up when you're alone. And then when you're with your partner, show them what works. You can use your hand together. You can bring in like a small vibrator, like the WeVibe Touch. You can use it anywhere you have nerve endings. So you might love it on your shaft. You might like it on your perineum. So vibes are really fun to play with. You also want to pay attention to other possible causes.

12:41Emily Morse: So certain antidepressants, other medications can delay orgasm. Soap and alcohol, sorry to say, stress, just some medical conditions. So remember, you don't have to orgasm every time you have sex. If you're enjoying yourself, neither of you is concerned. That's totally cool. But if this is happening consistently and it's bothering you, just speak with a doctor or sex therapist. Do not change your medication on your own. Okay, next, we've got number six. If I finish before my partner, is sex over? No, not at all. Why would sex automatically be over because you've had an orgasm? You know, it's so funny.

13:25Emily Morse: We've organized heterosexual sex around male ejaculation for so long that people just assume that's when everything ends. Like he ejaculates and we're going to dinner. You know, think about it. Or we're going to sleep. But think about this for a minute. You're having sex. He's getting close. She's enjoying herself, but she has an orgasm. He finishes, rolls over, maybe gives her a kiss and thinks, can you just have great sex? And she's lying there thinking, wait, we're done? And this is why I talk so much about expanding our definition of sex. Because penetration doesn't have to be the main event.

14:00And ejaculation is not the finish line.

14:03Emily Morse: It doesn't have to be that way. And in fact, I love for you to remember She Comes First. It's a wonderful thing to remember. And there's a great book. It just shows that many women at different times that they experience arousal. And there's an orgasm gap. So if you come, you can also go back and please your partner or you can start with your partner. Now, a lot of women need direct clittal stimulation to reach orgasm. And that may happen before penetration. It might happen during or could happen afterward, depending on the person. And there's so many ways to give your partner pleasure that don't involve your penis, no matter how wonderful your penis is.

14:41Emily Morse: And I'm sure it is. You know, you can use your hands, a vibrator, or maybe your partner doesn't want to keep going. Like, that's fine too. So just ask. We got to just start asking the questions. Why don't you keep going? Is there something else that would feel good? Not easy. So then you're not guessing. Here's another idea. Why not focus on your partner's pleasure before penetration even starts? Going back to she comes first. There's no rules saying intercourse has to happen first. In fact, there's no rules at all when it comes to sex, which is why I love de-centering penetration. And also nobody has to orgasm every time.

15:19Emily Morse: The most important thing is that you're paying attention to both people's pleasure instead of assuming sex ends when one person finishes. And listen, if there's a question you've always wanted to ask, but you felt embarrassed about or you didn't know where to go, just send it to me. Maybe it's about your body or something happening with your partner or something you think is wrong or about your relationship. Tell me what's happening, what you've tried, and I'll answer your questions, which I've been doing for over two decades. So I can promise you, you're probably not the only person experiencing it.

15:50Emily Morse: So there's a link in the description where you can send me your question. All right. The last question I get from men most commonly is this. How do I tell my partner I'm anxious about sex without making it weird? Okay, ready? You just tell them. Because if you're not talking about what's happening, your partner might be making up an entirely different story. So let's say you've been having trouble maintaining erection. Now, every time you have sex, you're worried, is this going to happen again? It happened last time. Whatever happens this time. So maybe you start avoiding sex altogether. And then your partner notices and thinks, ah, there's no longer attracted to me anymore.

16:32Emily Morse: I guess this isn't working. But that's not what's happening. You're anxious about your erection and now you're both feeling completely insecure. And that is why I want men to get more comfortable talking about sexual anxiety or all anxiety, really. You don't have to pretend you're completely confident every time you have sex. And very few people are, for the record. And you don't need to give some huge explanation in the middle of things. You could say simply this. Sometimes I get in my head during sex and I think it's kind of affecting me right now. Affecting my erection or however you want to say it.

17:07Emily Morse: I want you to know that I'm attracted to you. Can we just slow things down a little bit? Can we just, you know, take a break, get some water? Can I make you feel good? Because remember, you guys get to decide together. And maybe your partner says, oh my God, I thought you weren't interested in me anymore. Now you're actually talking about what's happening in the moment instead of both making wild assumptions. So you can decide to take penetration off the table for a while and just focus on things that feel good, right? take it off the table and think about other ways to play it so remember sex involves the two of you you don't have to figure out everything by yourself all right i hope these answers take some of the pressure off because i think so many men are worried about whether they're doing sex right am i lasting long enough am i going to stay hard am i going to orgasm is you know is my partner in the mood is she pleased all the things and sometimes you're so focused on how you're performing then you're not even enjoying the experience.

18:08Emily Morse: You're not even feeling, you're not even in your body. You have to leave your body. So your body isn't going to respond exactly the same way every time. So we also have to have some patience and some grace with ourselves. And if something isn't working where you're noticing a persistent change, you know, a lot of sexual concerns are treatable. But I also want you to remember that being a great sexual partner isn't about performing perfectly. In fact, this goal of what perfect sex is often comes from completely unrealistic images about sex that come from like porn or something we've heard. And I know the goal is not being perfect.

18:49Emily Morse: It's about being present and attuned to your partner. It's about knowing your body and understanding what your partner enjoys and then being able to talk about sex without so much shame. Because sex is supposed to be something you enjoy together, not something you're constantly worried about and getting wrong and feeling bad about. And just remember this, communication is lubrication. The more we get comfortable talking about sex, the better sex we're all going to have. So tell me this, what is the sexual questions you've always wanted to ask but felt just too embarrassed to bring up? Leave it in the comments.

19:23Emily Morse: Maybe we'll do a part two. All right, that's it for today. And remember, great sex isn't about knowing everything. It's about staying curious, communicating what you want, and making your pleasure a priority. If you have a question, I want to hear it. Just head to sexwithemily.com slash ask to submit your question, grab some free guides, and find more resources to help you have your best sex ever. You can also shop all my favorite curated sexual wellness products at Shop Sex With Emily. And if you want even more Sex With Emily, you can watch the podcast on YouTube. Follow me at Sex With Emily.

19:57Emily Morse: Join my newsletter. I've been told I give a really good newsletter. You've got tips, advice, updates, including where you can find Beyond the Best Sex Ever Tour. All right, everyone, thanks for listening, for being here, and for prioritizing your pleasure. And as always, stay curious. Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall.

20:35Find fall your way at Ross.