The Oral Sex Skill Nobody Teaches

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2:28Emily Morse: The oral sex skill nobody teaches. All right. Everyone wants me to give them the move. The tongue trick, the perfect speed, the thing that supposedly makes someone orgasm every single time. And yes, for decades, we've been told, just spell the alphabet with your tongue. And it's like, by the time you get to cue, nobody knows what's happening anymore. And also, who's alphabet? Because there is no secret oral sex move that works on every body. Promise. The skill that actually makes someone incredible at oral sex? Paying attention. I know. Not as exciting as me standing at a whiteboard drawing tongue formations.

3:09Emily Morse: But today, I'm giving you something much more useful. The oral sex feedback loop. Start slow. Read the body. follow the yes, and then talk about it. Four things you can actually do to get out of performance mode and figure out what feels good to the person you're with. Because great oral sex isn't something you do to somebody. It's something you create with them. That's a huge distinction. You're not just giving it. You're also receiving something, their energy. You're in a relationship with the oral together. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctorate in human sexuality, and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts in the world for over 20 years.

3:51Emily Morse: It's called Sex with Emily. So let's start with number one. Start slow. Start way slower than you think you need to. I know, not the groundbreaking oral sex hack you came here for, but one of the biggest mistakes he will make is arriving at the general is like they're already like 20 minutes late to the scene. Like we're at a 10 and everybody's like, hi, we just met. what is happening here. Give the body a minute to arrive. You want to kiss, you want to touch, you want to tease, you want to build anticipation. You don't have to show up with your 10-step routine like you're competing for the oral sex Olympics.

4:28Emily Morse: It's like nobody's like holding up scorecards. I think this happens especially when someone finally learns like, oh, the clitoris is really important. You know, yes, we did it. We found the clitoris. Now calm down everybody. Finate doesn't mean you immediately start attacking it like you're trying to erase a stain or start a loud mower. The clitoris can be incredibly sensitive. And sometimes touching around at first feels amazing and not going right for it. And sometimes lighter pressure feels better. Sometimes you gradually build intensity as arousal builds. Because more intensity does not automatically mean more pleasure.

5:10Emily Morse: Porn has not exactly helped us here. Porn is entertainment. It's made for a camera and for people to watch. And so everything tends to get bigger, harder, faster, louder, until apparently somebody's achieved maximum sex. Real bodies don't necessarily work like that. Sometimes harder feels incredible. And sometimes it's like, step away from the clitoris, please, sir. Like, what are you doing? Arousal usually needs a runway. I remember someone telling me once that her partner would kiss her right down her body, so slowly, her neck, her chest, her stomach, her thighs, and he would really, really take his time.

5:50Emily Morse: And then by the time he finally got between her legs, she wasn't lying there thinking like, okay, let me see if this works. Her entire body was basically screaming like, yes, now. And I remember thinking, yes, exactly. That's what we want. And he wasn't going slowly because slow is some like a magical technique. No. And he wasn't going slowly because slow is a magical technique. He was giving her arousal enough time, right? The runway to build until her body was asking for more. That's the difference. You're not starting at maximum intensity, expecting somebody's body to catch up with you. You're letting their desire pull you forward.

6:36Emily Morse: And once it does, now you have somewhere to go. You can build from that. And then actually, that is what starting slow gives you. It gives you somewhere to go, right? Like, think about it. If we're just going so fast and we're right into the penetration, we're like, now what do we do? But when you start slow enough that their body gets to ask for what's next, that's incredible. And that is step two, read the body. Be a detective because you are not a mind reader. Real pleasure can be like so much more subtle than what we've been taught to look for. For example, someone's breathing changes. What did that mean?

7:19Emily Morse: Did it mean something feel good? Their hips move towards you. They pull you closer. Maybe their legs are tensing up. Maybe they get louder. Maybe they get quieter. Like something's changing here. Like who knows? there might be your standing ovation like there's no universal orgasm face there's no sound that means congratulations like you have successfully pleasured this human but and this is this is also important don't decide you know exactly what every signal means either because how would you because somebody getting quiet could mean oh my god don't stop or could mean i've completely left my body i'm wondering how much longer this is going to last very different quiet so be sure you notice that is information.

8:01Emily Morse: And when you're not sure, ask. More pressure? Less pressure? Do you want me to slow down? Should I stay right here? I hear people say all the time, but Emily, I don't want to interrupt the moment. You're not interrupting the moment. You are participating in it. You don't need to conduct a full review between every lick. Keep it simple. Our bodies are actually more simple than you think. And if something worked last Tuesday, it doesn't mean that's automatically the move tonight. Our sensitivity changes, you know, different times of month, we want different things, our mood changes, like, so just don't assume, just notice, check, adjust, that's it.

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9:49Emily Morse: Okay, this one might be the simplest piece of sex advice I've ever given. And sometimes people still mess it up. When you find something that's working, keep doing it. That's it. Their breathing changes. Their hips move towards you. They're clearly getting more turned on. And then you hear the magic words right there. Don't stop. And apparently some people hear that and think, fantastic. They love it. Time to go faster. Time to show them what else I know. No, there's no bonus round. Don't stop means actually don't stop it. It means keep doing what you're doing. Do not suddenly change the rhythm.

10:27Emily Morse: Don't unveil your advanced tongue technique. And for the love of God, please do not speed up just because you think they're getting close. If what you're doing is working, let it work. And I think with men, sometimes speeding up is the thing. Going faster, changing it up. Not with us. If what you're doing is working, let it work. I think people get in their heads here because they think that being like, oh, like nailing this oral sex stuff means constantly doing something impressive and it does not. Sometimes being a great lover means having the confidence to do the same thing for longer than your brain thinks is interesting.

11:01Emily Morse: You might be bored. They are not bored. Huge distinction. You don't need to prove you have range. If their body is saying yes, follow the yes. And also, since we're talking about making oral feel more playful, this is one place where something can be fun. Love a lube. As you know, if you've been following along, Joe flavored lube is one option I like because adding a flavor you both enjoy can give you something new to play with together. Sometimes a novelty can really be as simple as, oh, let's try this chocolate flavored lube. Oh, I like the apple flavor. Like, so if you want to try it, I'll put the Joe flavored lube link in the show notes below.

11:40Emily Morse: Or you go to shopsexwithemily.com and find it there. And there's another side to follow the yes that's just as important. Know what to do when the yes goes away. If somebody pulls away, they freeze, they suddenly seem like uncomfortable. Like you know when that happens. Like you know. Or something shifts. Don't push harder to get the moment back. This is when the power of the pause. You say, you okay? That's enough? We can stop? Just make stopping easy. Not like, what's wrong? Did I do something? Are you sure? Or just getting into it? Because now they have to manage your feelings on top of whatever they're experiencing.

12:18Emily Morse: So sometimes you just switch gears. You cuddle. Sometimes you're done. That is not failed sex. That's super successful communication. So following the yes also means respecting, hey, and expecting that might become a no. You know, not now. You know, I'm not sure. Not anymore today. So just know the no's and the yes's. Step four, talk about it. I know. We've somehow been told that this idea that really incredible mind-blowing sex is completely wordless. Two people lack eyes. Nobody says everything. No one says anything. Everyone just knows it's so romantic, right? It's also extremely inconvenient because unless you're sleeping with an actual psychic, your partner needs information.

13:08And feedback during sex does

13:11Emily Morse: not have to be some like big conversation. Please don't stop everything and say, okay, I'd like to offer some notes. No, it can be simple. It's like, don't stop. Softer, a little bit slower, more pressure. You can move your body towards what feels good, Guide their hand. Maybe you pull them closer. Like that's the feedback I'm talking about. You know, one of my favorite things is the two choice question because nobody wants to answer an essay question while they're turned on. So more or less. Stay here. Change it. Easy. You're not handling them like a clipboard or like a map of your body. You're like helping them get it right.

13:49And here's the part I need you to get.

13:52Emily Morse: Feedback is not criticism. It's just direction. So if someone says a little softer, they're not saying, you're terrible at oral sex and I deeply regretted our time together. That's how I feel like the thumbs up emoji when someone thumbs up my messages. They're like, what do you mean? Like we can misread things so much. They're saying, I'm into this, but here's how to make it a little better. A little bit slower. That is good information. And one of the signs of a great lover is that you can hear feedback without making the other person take care of your ego. Because nothing kills the mood faster than, oh, you don't like what I'm doing?

14:29Emily Morse: And now suddenly the person receiving oral sex is giving emotional support. No, we're not doing couples therapy between someone's thighs. No, take the note, stay connected, and keep going. And then save the bigger conversations when you're not in the middle of sex. Talk about it on a walk, in the car, lying in bed later. You know, here's my favorite question. What was your favorite part? I like that better than, was it good? Because you know what you get from, was it good? You get, yeah, amazing. You know, so much data. Thanks for participating, you know, in this study. No, but with, what was your favorite part?

15:08Emily Morse: That gives you something. And then the big, oh, when you slow down, when you stayed in that spot, when you used your finger, when we used that toy, When you teased me forever before. And then you actually touched me. Oh, now we're learning. And there's something else happening that's so important when you ask that question. You're telling your partner, I want to know. You can tell me. I can handle the truth about your pleasure. That's huge. Because now they know they don't have to protect your ego. They get to actually tell you what they want. And that's how the two of you start creating your own sexual language.

15:45Emily Morse: the real skill. So after all of this, here's what I want you to remember. Ready? The person who's great at oral sex isn't necessarily the person with incredible tongue stamina or the person who watched 47 tutorials and arrived with like, I learned all these points. It's the person who makes you feel like, oh, you're actually with me. You're not like performing something you memorized. You are responding to my body. You gave my body time to get turned on. When I move towards you, you notice. When I said don't stop, you possess the remarkable ability to not stop. When I said softer, you didn't have an identity crisis.

16:34Emily Morse: You know, that is attunement. And that's the part that's sexy. Because there really is a huge difference between someone doing oral sex at you and someone being completely with you while they're doing it. One says like, look how good I am at this. And the other's like, I'm here. I am with you. Show me what feels good. I'll take that, lover, every time. So remember the loop. Start slow. Read the body. Follow the yes. Talk about it. You don't have to solve your partner's body. You get to keep discovering it. Honestly, that's a much better oral sex secret than spelling the alphabet. Although if you're still coming into the alphabet, don't let me stop you.

17:14Emily Morse: At least just have the good sentence to stop at the letter that's working. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sexwithemily.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms. As I head into my 21st year, you can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events. Don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks, everyone, for listening.

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