The Real Difference Between Sexually Happy Couples and Everyone Else

0:00Emily Morse: One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Ultra running shoes are all about space.

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1:04Emily Morse: Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at sexwithemily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, for even more sex and relationship advice. and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter.

1:36Emily Morse: Shop my curated sexual wellness products and pics at shopsexwithemily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides, and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking Sex with Emily on the road. My new live show, The Best Sex Ever Tour, is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q &A. And we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experience it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships. And we become very close by the end of the night.

2:14Emily Morse: Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

2:29Emily Morse: Have you ever had sex with someone you love, rolled over, and afterward thought, that was nice. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking, is this it? Is this what my sex life is going to be now for the rest of my life? Because a lot of people are having perfectly fine sex. It works. Maybe someone orgasms. No one's complaining, probably because are not talking about it, but you know the routine. And maybe that's the problem because fine can become autopilot. And here's the good news. Great sex isn't luck. You weren't born with, you know, the skills to be great at sex. And it isn't chemistry.

3:08Emily Morse: You're supposed to magically keep alive forever because people can't do that. That doesn't happen. Great sex is a skill set. So today I'm giving you a four-step reset to get out of autopilot and start having sex that actually feels good again. We're going to notice, name, shame, and experiment. And we're starting with the one most people skip. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctorate in human sexuality. And I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts in the world for over 20 years. It's called Sex with Emily. Step one is notice. And this sounds simple, but most of us are actually pretty bad at it.

3:45Emily Morse: We tend to judge our sex lives by a few basic metrics. We had sex, someone orgasmed, nobody complained. Great, sex accomplished. But that doesn't tell me very much about how the sex actually felt. Remember, sex is a felt experience. I want you to start paying attention to your experience while you're having it. Are you actually there? Because you know that feeling when you're physically having sex, but meanwhile, your brain's like, how does my body look from this angle? oh, I wonder if I'm doing the right move. Can the kids hear us? Can the neighbors hear us? How long is this going to take? Did I send that text back to my boss?

4:23Emily Morse: You can physically be in bed while your brain is like in another zip code. And that is useful information. I remember helping a woman who told me she just wasn't excited about sex anymore. The usual. She loved her partner. She was attracted to him. But as she started describing their sex life, I realized they had basically been having the same sex for years at the same time, the same place, the same moves, the same ending. She was like, maybe we kiss for a second. He takes my clothes off. We do the thing. And it's like, she's thinking like, I know how this story ends and I would like to unsubscribe.

4:54Emily Morse: I mean, I get it. There are shows that I love that I don't need to watch the exact same episode of every Thursday for 10 years. That doesn't mean I hate television. It just means I need a new episode. And that is what noticing gives you. Instead of jumping immediately to a conclusion about your entire sex life, you start collecting information. Maybe you make out in the car one night instead of going straight to the bedroom, and suddenly there's this little spark. Oh, there you are. Interesting. You know, maybe you realize you miss kissing, and it's just very predictable now. And maybe something that used to feel great just doesn't hit the same anymore.

5:32Emily Morse: That's information. Because we update everything else in our lives. We really do. As we change, pretty much everything. I think about this a lot with exercise. So I used to run marathons. I love running marathons. But after a while, it wasn't great for my knees. I realized it took a long time and I just wanted to switch. Not doing that workout anymore. You know, my body changed. I change. And so now what I do is like I realize like, oh, I really love Pilates. I love hiking, love lifting weights. I feel amazing. I didn't say, well, marathons don't work for me anymore. I guess fitness is over. I just changed the workout.

6:11Emily Morse: Like, why wouldn't we give our sex lives that same permission? We even change how we eat. God knows I've even changed how I drink my coffee. I used to wake up and coffee was basically the first thing entering my body. That first sip, I loved it. But now I drink water first. I got a little protein and I try not to take that sip of coffee. And I hate to admit it, but I feel better. You know, delaying that first sip of coffee, that was growth. But here's the point. We update our routines when our bodies and our lives change. And our sex lives need updating too. So before you start throwing spice at a sex life you haven't even really paid attention to, notice what feels good still.

6:52Emily Morse: What feels a little bit still? Like, not that move. I can't have sex in the same position one more time or I'm done. Like, think about it. And what do you miss? Do you love making out at the beginning and you haven't made out in a while? Did you love when you would go away for the weekend or get a hotel room? Like what makes you feel more present? Because before you try to spice it up, figure out what's making it bland. And once you notice that, well, now we can get to what you actually want. Step two is name it. Meaning now that you've noticed what's happening, what do you actually want instead?

7:27Emily Morse: Now, I've spent this entire career asking people what they want sexually. And let me tell you, we are so much better at telling you what we don't want. He goes too fast. We don't have enough foreplay. He only touches me when he wants sex. It's always the same. I hear you. I got that. But what do you want? And listen, I was exactly the same way. I'll never forget being in my 20s, having some pretty disappointing sex. And my boyfriend would say, do you like this? and I'd be like, yeah, it's great. I did not like it, but here's the problem. If I had said no, then what? I didn't have a better suggestion.

8:07Emily Morse: I had no idea it was on the sexual menu. I didn't know what else to ask for because no one ever asked me. I never really thought about it and I didn't have a lot of experience. I basically thought sex was this, kissing, clothes come off, there's some touching, some penetration, hopefully orgasm, good night. Like there was a prefix menu and apparently I'd already ordered. I didn't know I could say, actually, can we just stay here a little bit longer? I really like this moment of kissing. You know, can you touch me like this? Can we make out for 20 minutes? Can we not do that thing tonight? The truth is, I didn't even have the language.

8:44Emily Morse: And I think that's where a lot of people are. We say, I want better sex. Okay, how? Because better sex is really hard for your partner to do anything with. So here's a really simple way to start. Sex would feel better to me if that's it. You don't need a five-page sexual manifesto. Just finish that one sentence. Sex would feel better to me if we made out a little longer. If there was a little bit more anticipation, it didn't move so quickly. If you touch me sometimes without me wondering whether it had to become sex. If we just slowed everything down. Maybe if we had sex in the morning instead of waiting until I'm basically unconscious.

9:27Emily Morse: And even if that feels like super intimidating, start with something you already know you liked. Think about a sexual experience where something felt really, really good. Not necessarily the entire night. That's hard to remember. One moment. Maybe someone touched you over your clothes before taking them off and you love the feeling of the fabric against your body. We have so many nerve writings, so try that one. Great! There's information. You don't have to understand your entire erotic blueprint by Tuesday. So just like start collecting clues because your body has been giving you data your entire life.

10:04Emily Morse: We just haven't been taking notes. But it's not paying attention. And once you have one thing you can name, now you have something you can actually share with a partner. And sometimes like one of the easiest ways to practice this is to bring in something new you can explore together. Not because a new toy is going to magically fix your communication. Please, if vibrators could fix communication your entire sex life, I've been out of a job like 20 years ago. Here's the thing about toys. Toys is something like new. If you're going to get curious about it together, it's a shared experience. It actually enhances intimacy instead of taking away from it.

10:45Emily Morse: And people think like a toy is going to mess us up. No. So it's like, oh, wow, we've never used this toy together. So therefore it's new. Right. And we want that novelty. And one of my favorite recommendations, if you don't know where to start, is a penis ring because it can be a shared experience. And I know, again, you're like toys. Isn't that for her? Or that's going to get in the way. No. But you together, a toy actually gives you more to communicate about. So I love the WeVibe Pivot penis ring. And it's one that I like particularly for partnered sex. It's got this built-in vibrator so you can actually practice the whole conversation we've been having.

11:24Emily Morse: You can say like more, less, slower, stay right there. And that's really the point. You're giving yourself something new to discover together. So if you want to experiment with the WeVibe Pivot, head to shopsexwithemily.com. I'll put the individual link here in the show notes, but you're going to love this one. I've been telling people about this pivot for years. And once you could actually name one thing you like, one thing you miss, and what you're curious about, now comes the part that changes everything. You have to tell your partner. And that's step three, share. And I need you to listen closely because this one could save you a lot of really bad conversations.

12:04Emily Morse: Are you ready? Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with UltraFit. Unlike traditional running shoes, UltraFit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with Ultra. Shop now at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running dot com. Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable.

12:44So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple-conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026. Visit apple.com slash applewatchseries12.

13:05Emily Morse: Don't have the important conversations about sex while you're already having sex. And please don't have it right after one of you has been rejected. Those are probably two of the worst times. You're naked. You're activated. Someone's horny. Someone's hurt. Someone's confused. And now we're going to have a thoughtful conversation about the state of our sex life. No, that is like, that is the worst timing. Have the conversation when you're both like regulated, calm, clothes on, going for a walk, in the car, at a road trip. Nobody's trying to initiate anything. You're just talking. This is the dynamic I see all the time.

13:40Emily Morse: One partner tells me she never wants sex anymore. And then I talk to her and she says, every time he touches me, I feel like I have to have sex. Same relationship, completely different experience. And I'll never, ever forget this story. I heard this from a friend of mine years ago. She was actually the first person in my friend group to have a baby. She was 23. And her baby was maybe six weeks old. And one night, she's exhausted. She's made dinner. She's cleaning up. She's standing up at the sink, washing bottles. And she's already thinking, why am I the one washing all these fucking bottles? And then her husband comes up behind her, puts his hands on her, starts rubbing against her.

14:20Emily Morse: And I'll never remember this call. She told me, she's like, he just wanted to scream. Not because she doesn't love him. Not because she's not attracted to him. But she's six weeks postpartum. She is exhausted. Her body is still recovering from having an entire human come out of it. And now his hands on her body, that doesn't feel like connection. That feels like one more person who needs something from her. And that's the part I never forget. Because in his mind, he's probably thinking, I'm touching my wife. I miss her. I want to feel close to her. And in her mind, it's like, ugh, now I've taken care of him too.

14:57Emily Morse: And then comes the guilt. I'm a terrible wife. I shouldn't want this. I should want sex with him. Meanwhile, her body is saying, absolutely not. We are closed for anything. Closed for renovation. Closed for sex. Nobody has to be the villain in this story. And that's what I want you to understand. He's experienced rejection. She's experiencing pressure. They're having the same moment, but from opposite sides. And God, I wish I knew then what I know now, because I would have told her, don't wait until you're furious at the sink. Like, talk to him outside of that moment. And instead of like, every time you touch me, you just want sex.

15:37Emily Morse: Don't do that. Try, I really miss being touched without feeling like it has to go somewhere. You know, I would love it if sometimes you just held me. You kissed me. You rub my feet. Like, that was enough. Or even at that moment, she could have said, I love feeling your hands on me. help me finish these bottles and then come upstairs rub my feet for a few minutes let's just be close and now like there she would have given him something he can actually do so think about what's actually going to land and this is one of my one of my favorite communication shifts turn the complaint into a request for example like I love thinking about this because our complaints are clues.

16:27Emily Morse: So let's say you're constantly complaining that your friend only calls when she needs something. Well, that is annoying. But underneath that is probably, I want a friendship that feels mutual. Well, sex works the same way. We always do the same thing. That complaint underneath that complaint is, I'm really craving novelty. Or like, God, my partner always rushes right to penetration. Okay, there's information there. I want more buildup. I want some anticipation. Send me a sexy text. Let's plan for it. Let's think of what's next. I want you to take your time with me. Do you see the difference? You always rush me gives your partner something to defend.

17:15And you know what?

17:16Emily Morse: I would love it if you slow down and tease me more. That actually gives them something to do. that's a completely different conversation. And by the way, this does not mean you have to package every need perfectly so your partner never has a feeling. You're allowed to say what you want, but it's just this little reframe when you can turn your criticism or your complaints into useful information. You give your partner a chance to actually meet you there, to actually hear what you're saying. And that creates more emotional safety, which by the way is incredibly erotic. Because great sex requires me to know that I can stay slower.

17:58Emily Morse: Not there. More pressure. Stay right there. I don't actually want penetration tonight. But I've always wanted to try this. And if I do that, you're not going to pout. You're not going to laugh at me. You're not going to get defensive or make me feel bad for telling the truth. Because if I have to manage your reaction while I'm trying to figure out my pleasure, well, that's just like a full-time job. And nobody wants another job in bed. So great sexual communication isn't saying everything perfectly. It's knowing it's safe to say what's true. Like once you find what is true. And then that's what lets both of you relax enough to actually explore.

18:38Emily Morse: And once you can notice what you feel, because this is all about noticing the feelings in our body, name what you want and share it without making either person the enemy. Okay, step four is my favorite. experiment. Here we go. Long-term couples will say to me all the time, oh, we know it works. And I'm like, do you? Because sometimes we know it works actually means we found four things that worked 10 years ago. We've been doing them the same every time ever since. Well, congratulations. How's that going for you? Because here's the thing. You are not having sex with the same person you met 12 years ago.

19:16Emily Morse: I mean, technically they're the same person, But they want something different. You probably want something different. And they're not having sex with the same version of you either. Thank God you've changed. Your body's changed. Your life has changed. What turned you on can change. Your sexual tastes evolve just like everything else. Like, think about food. You wouldn't say, well, I figured out what I liked to eat when I was 27, so I guess we're done here. No, you try a new restaurant. You discover food you thought you hated. Something you loved 10 years ago. You're suddenly like, why did I ever eat that?

19:48Emily Morse: I used to think kale was super exciting and now we've all evolved. Like, don't give me kale. Sex should get that same permission. And experiment does not mean that tonight you need to come home with a sex swing and announce, Emily said we got to evolve. Please do not blame me on that. It can be much smaller than that. I remember working with a couple who felt like their sex life had gotten super stale and they were convinced they needed some huge change. And the truth is they didn't. They started with simply making out again. That's it. They hadn't made out in years. They hadn't made out and they were just rushing to penetration.

20:23Emily Morse: And you know that kind of kissing you do at the beginning of a relationship when you're not immediately trying to get anywhere? They started doing that again. That's the kissing they did. And what surprised them was just how erotic it felt. Like it felt like a turn on again. Like they were kids again, meeting. Like is it going to happen? Is it not going to happen? Are we going to have sex? not because making out of some groundbreaking new sexual technique. They just stopped doing it. And that's the spirit I want you to bring into experimenting. Not, well, we need to refix our whole sex life. More like, oh, I wonder what would happen if we tried this.

20:57Emily Morse: We tried something. See how it feels. Keep what works. Get rid of what doesn't. Because not every experiment is going to be amazing. You might try something you fantasize about for five years and then halfway through think, okay, you know what? fantasy was better than reality. I'll just keep that, you know, we won't try that again. That's great information. But it doesn't mean you failed at sex. You learned something about yourself. And that's why I like to think of couples as becoming sexual researchers of each other. And good researchers don't already know the answer, do they? They get really curious.

21:32Emily Morse: They pay attention. You know, they're willing to be surprised. You guys are in this together, and that's the shift instead of like, oh, we know it works. What could work now? Because now you've got a whole clean slate. Like I'm giving you permission to say, I guarantee you, you have not updated your sexual bag of tricks in a really long time, you know, because great sex isn't about finding the perfect formula and repeating it for the rest of your relationship on and on, because you see how that's going. It's continuing to discover the person you're with and letting them continue to discover you.

22:02Emily Morse: Okay. So here's the reset. Ready? Name what's happening. Name what you want. Share it and experiment. You do not need the overhaul. Just stay curious enough to stop assuming you've already figured each other out. Gosh, because even after 5, 10, 20 years together, one of the sexiest things you can say to your partner is, I don't know everything about you yet. So for this week's conversation, this is what I want you to do. Don't sit your partner down and say, are you happy with our sex life? Nothing says like, let's get erotic and turned on like an annual performance review. Instead, ask, what's something we've done together sexually that you still think about?

22:42Emily Morse: And then just listen. What's their answer? They might say, that afternoon at the hotel in Mexico, or that time we made it on the couch forever with no one was home, and it was just the two of us, and there was thunderstorms outside. Or they might bring up some random, like, Tuesday three years ago that you barely remember. And like, that's actually the interesting part and then ask, what was it about that was so hot for you? So now we're getting somewhere because there's some information. You can't create that exact night, but what were the elements of that moment? You're asking them to tell you how their desire works.

23:16Emily Morse: What are their turn-ons? And you might learn that it wasn't that hotel in Mexico at all. It was that you flirted with them all day. You guys felt really loose and free. It was that you weren't rushed. It was the The way you looked at them across the bar that night. It was, you know, you made out for 20 minutes without knowing where it was going. I mean, that's the gold. Because now you have information you can actually use. And suddenly you're not having a complaint meeting about your sex life. You're creating eroticism while you're talking about it. And that's the whole point. The couples having great sex aren't necessarily the ones who started out with some like once in a lifetime insane chemistry.

23:58Emily Morse: They're the couples who never stop listening to each other. So this week, do me a favor. Notice, name, share, experiment, and keep going. Because great sex isn't about finally figuring your partner out. It's realizing that, hey, guess what? They're actually someone worth discovering. And that's how you go from sex that's fine to sex that feels alive, connected, and genuinely yours. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sexwithemily.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms.

24:39As I head into my 21st year, you can find them all.

24:43Emily Morse: Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events. And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening. Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12.

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