What I Wish I Knew About Sex in My 20s

0:00Emily Morse: I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the dates. July 7th in Rosemont, Illinois at Zaney's. then heading to Philadelphia on August 5th, Nashville on September 29th, and Austin on October 7th. More cities to come. Come with your partner, your friends, fly solo. You'll leave with practical tools, plenty of laughs, maybe some surprises.

0:43Emily Morse: Well, definitely some surprises. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for tickets and tour information. I will see you there. Can't wait to meet you. If I knew these sex things in my 20s, it would have changed my life. Talking about sex doesn't ruin the mood. It creates the mood. Validation and intimacy are not the same thing. In fact, you could be validated and told you're hot and you're sexy and you're desirable, but it doesn't fill you up. Good sex is about actually being present and being in the moment. Real pleasure requires presence. I didn't realize that stress affects desire.

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2:31Emily Morse: Today's show, I am talking about, I'm turning the table a little bit. I've spent 20 years answering your questions about sex and relationships and dating. But if I could go back in time and sit down with my younger self, I was thinking about sex in my 20s. This is the advice that I would give. Now, let me paint the picture for you. In my 20s, so I turned 21 my senior year of college. I was living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I went to University of Michigan. I was in a relationship. Every year I had a boyfriend for every year. And I just remember having sex with my boyfriend at the time. And he was literally lying on top of me, pounding away like a jackhammer.

3:08Emily Morse: and I remember thinking, I really like this guy, but is this all that sex is? Is this what sex is about? Because he's having a good time and I love the connection, but this doesn't necessarily feel like it's what it's all about. I had a sense early on that there was some kind of discrepancy between what men knew and what I knew, but I just assumed that it was, I was doing something wrong or I was broken somehow. So that was my early 20s. And then I moved to San Francisco, right? Moved to California from Michigan. Stopped in my car, drove out to California. And I was so excited to be in California.

3:46Emily Morse: And I got a job working in politics. I had an internship and I was working in a bar doing a bunch of things. And it was so exciting. I was meeting a lot of people. And I broke up with my boyfriend from college because I wanted to start a whole new life there. And I definitely, you know, met guys and I had a really passionate relationship. I met someone there and it was probably one of my first great romances. And we dated for about two years. And when I think about the trajectory of that sex life, it was like very hot and passionate. And oh my God, I have all these love letters that he wrote me.

4:21Emily Morse: I still have them here. I save all my notes. But when I look back at it, I remember just, we were together for like two years. And I remember thinking that I was broken because I wasn't having an orgasm and I definitely wasn't talking about sex. In fact, I remember this was probably one of the first times where I was like, why aren't I wanting sex as often as I wanted in the beginning? I didn't know that I was responsible for asking for what I wanted. I didn't really know my body. Certainly wasn't masturbating. I definitely thought that sex was more about like performance and more about something I was doing for my partner's pleasure.

4:59Emily Morse: especially after a while and then throughout my 20s I was dating different people and having sex and doing different things with different people and moving through relationships but there was a commonality that while I was maturing and getting more confidence in my work and I was getting really good jobs and moving through the the ladder of my career I kept finding myself in relationships that were really super hot in the beginning and then they would kind of fizzle out and I used to think that's just what happened with relationships that relationships would that I wouldn't start to feel a fizzle and desire in the relationship if the relationship was right like when you find the right person you want to have sex with them all the time 24 7 like eating like you always want to have breakfast or you want to have dinner most days I didn't know that sex was this thing that was so deeply tied to your nervous system and your emotions and you know your ability to communicate.

5:57Emily Morse: So I didn't know any of this until much, much later. So my 20s was really an act of learning to communicate and working on my career, but my sex pretty much stayed the same. And so when I made a list, I went down the line here. I want to do today's show. I want to talk about the 10 things that I wish I knew about sex in my 20s. Let's get into it. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And while I love talking to you this way, our old parasocial relationship, I'm going on tour, sexwithemily.com slash events. If you're in the Chicago area, I'm going to be in Chicago area on July 7th at Zany's.

6:42Emily Morse: It's a comedy show, but it's also live Q &A, answering your questions. So join me there. But let's get in to today's episode. Thank you, everyone, for joining me here. This topic I'm so excited about. Ready? Here are the things that I wish I knew about sex in my... Anyone else here in your 20s have questions about it? All right, because this is a big... Listen, if I knew these sex things in my 20s, it would have changed my life. And the reason why I'm so passionate about this is because I hear from people in their 20s all the time and they're like, they still don't know these things. A little secret, people in their 30s don't know these things, people in their 40s don't know these things, and people in their 50s are still trying to figure out their sex life.

7:34Emily Morse: But these are the tips in our 20s. And if you're along joining, you can let me know what's something you wish you knew earlier about sex that you don't quite know now. Ready? Number one, top things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s. I thought everyone else knew what they were doing. I assumed that my partner knew what he was doing. And in fact, I'm going to admit something to you. It's the truth. I used to think that my partners were shipped off to some secret school where they learned all about the female body genitalia. I pictured them like underground, like they're in the military or something, and that there'd be a sergeant who pulls down a map and the map is of the vulva and they'd be like, there's the clitoris, there's the G-spot.

8:24Emily Morse: And I was like, well, he must know. No, guess what? No one knows what they're doing in their 20s. So the myth was that. So I thought everyone knew what they were doing. Turns out, and I've talked to hundreds of thousands of guys in their 20s now, nobody knows. So just know you are all figuring it out together. So, and I think the problem about this decade too is that the myth is saying that everyone else is having great sex but us. We assume that people are having sex more frequently than we are, that they're having it all the time. But the truth is, most people are just as confused and insecure about sex as you are.

8:59Emily Morse: I didn't know that everyone worried that they were bad at sex and everyone wonders if they're normal. I remember thinking, I'm having sex with a partner and I was so insecure that I wasn't able to orgasm because he was always able to orgasm. So I just immediately thought that I was broken. And so time and time again, we'd be having sex. And I thought, well, I'm just gonna have to fake it because I know that I'm not gonna have an orgasm. I just wanted it to be over. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. That's what I did. Anyone else do anything like that? That's what I did. And I did it for a really long time.

9:35Emily Morse: In fact, I did it throughout the duration of my 20s. I faked it. I felt bad about myself. I thought that I should always want sex when my partner wanted sex. And that's number one. Number one, I thought everyone knew what they were doing. But the truth is, most people are making it up as they go along. Here's the second thing I wish I knew in my 20s. I thought that good sex should just happen naturally. That if the chemistry is right and I'm attracted to this person, great sex should be effortless. We shouldn't even have to think about it. But great sex is learned. Like, none of us, like, come out of the womb or start having sex being great lovers.

10:16Emily Morse: Like, we just don't know, right? I didn't know that nothing about sex is just natural. I mean, maybe the first few months of a relationship, everything's exciting, and you feel this attraction to each other immediately. But that doesn't last. That's not even real. The best lovers communicate. The best sex comes from being really, really curious. and I think I thought that if we have this attraction, it should just happen. We should both know what to do and I thought that we should continue for months and months and months and then I would find that when I was with someone for a while, I'd get a little bored of it or I wasn't always in the mood because you know, when you first start dating somebody and the sex is incredible and you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off and then after a while, you're like, oh god, God, it's not just happening anymore.

11:04Emily Morse: What is wrong with me? I mean, maybe you're not someone who thinks it's about you, but I thought it was about me. And I thought that my partner should be able to figure out. I thought that my partner was a mind reader. But the truth is chemistry is amazing and you do need chemistry, but communication is where it's at. And you couldn't catch me like anywhere communicating about sex. I didn't even think that it was something that you could talk about. I didn't realize that talking about sex doesn't ruin the mood. It creates the mood. So that's the second thing. The third thing I wish I knew about sex in my 20s, I thought attraction was enough.

11:44Emily Morse: I'm attracted to this person, and that should mean that we have incredible sex. I thought if we are wildly attracted to each other, then everything else is going to work out itself. But the truth is, attraction and being compatible for the long run are very different things. You can be really attracted to someone and be like, yeah, but this is, we've got nothing else in common. Anyone ever been there? You're with somebody and you're like, oh my God, our sex is amazing, but I don't want to eat a meal with this person. I don't want this person to be my family. You can have incredible chemistry with someone and terrible communication.

12:23Emily Morse: You can have nothing in common. You know, you can want someone who's that good for you. So attraction isn't going to solve those deeper relationship challenges that you're having. I mean, attraction is great. And attraction is a requirement. You got to be with someone you're attracted to, but it doesn't solve all the issues. And just because you have the desire with someone and you want to have sex with them, that's not going to create some really healthy intimacy, unfortunately. Being compatible with someone who's curious and a great communicator, that's what's going to allow your relationship to go the distance in the long run.

12:57Emily Morse: All right, the fourth thing I didn't know in my 20s. Ready? I didn't know that pleasure was my responsibility. I thought my partner should know exactly what feels good to me. And I shouldn't have to tell him. I thought that he gives me an orgasm and he leads the show and he knows what he's doing. I didn't understand that nobody knows my body better than I did. and honestly, I wasn't self-pleasuring as much as I should have. That would have been a game change for my 20s. I wish I knew that I had to figure out my own body first. I literally didn't know that pleasure was a collaboration, that we had to communicate well, that I didn't know that I had to learn my body first, that I had to do the work.

13:45Emily Morse: I used to say, are they going to give me an orgasm? Are they going to make me feel bad? Are they going to know what to do? They were giving it to me. I didn't know that I was responsible for my own orgasm, that I was responsible for my own arousal, and I was responsible for my own pleasure. Wow. Mind blown when I learned that. I realized now like your partner needs feedback. They're just like flailing around there. They're trying to understand your body. They don't know. They need your feedback. But as a woman in my 20s, I was just lying there going through the motions, doing what I thought they wanted to hear like moaning or making noises and I was in no way giving feedback.

14:24Emily Morse: Again, I didn't know it was my responsibility. I was afraid to ask for what I want and I didn't even know what I wanted. Self-knowledge, which is a pillar of sexual intelligence, makes partner sex so much better. At least I knew. And here's the thing. If I really had to ask 25-year-old me, I would have said, well, you know that you really like kissing. Like you like making out with this partner and you didn't necessarily like how quickly it moved to penetration. So I could have said, if I thought about it, what I knew at that point was, I like kissing. I like when it goes slower and I definitely need more clitoral stimulation.

15:06Emily Morse: But there was no way that I thought that that was the right answer. like those would be accepted or that that was normal normal we all wonder for normal that's the biggest commonality is that we all wonder for normal and the most normal thing about sex is that everyone wants to know if they're normal like that's it but everything else is individual you get to decide and that I also didn't know that knowing what turns me on is a skill like I had to pay attention to the sex I was having so I was taking zero responsibility and thinking that I was putting on a performance, I thought that was okay.

15:44Emily Morse: All right. The fifth thing that I wish I knew in my 20s, I confused validation with desire. I just thought, I want this person. But the truth is, sometimes I just wanted them to want me. I would collect validation. I thought it was very powerful to feel desired and to feel that somebody really wanted me and they were into me. And it didn't necessarily mean that I wanted them, but it felt really, really safe to feel that desire. I used to call them like affirmation nuggets. I'm like, yum, yum. I'm like a Pac-Man. Like I want to eat up all these little affirmation nuggets. And then that's going to somehow be really, I couldn't get enough of it.

16:27Emily Morse: I wanted all the validation, but validation and intimacy are not the same thing. In fact, you could be You validate and told you're hot and you're sexy and you're desirable, but it doesn't fill you up. It's not enough. It was just like an empty hole of validation. Like all these people want me, but I still wasn't feeling close. You know, attention, getting attention from all these people and them telling me I was hot and sexy and desired didn't necessarily create the connection, the safe connection that I wanted. But I had no idea. I was just walking around trying to feel desired all the time, being all hot, thinking that was something.

17:02Emily Morse: but it was nothing. It was just an empty cup. It was empty. So being chosen by somebody and being desired by somebody doesn't mean that I desire them. And it's definitely not the same as being loved or being respected or the foundation of a really healthy relationship. That's it. Didn't know that. The sixth thing I thought that sex was about in my 20s, I thought sex was a performance. I thought that good sex was a checklist of doing everything right. Good sex was about moaning in a certain way, arching my back in a certain way, like just looking, doing all the things that I had seen in porn or that I had gotten affirmation from with a partner.

17:50Emily Morse: And I was just kind of going through the motions. But here's the big reframe. Ready? It is not about a performance. Good sex is about actually being present and being in the moment, being present to what's happening in the moment with this person. And great sex with one person is going to be very different than sex with somebody else. So if I only knew how to be present with that person, I would have known how I felt, how they felt. We'd be creating something new together. But I really wasn't present at all. I was monitoring myself for how I looked, how I was moving, what my partner thought. I was like, oh, am I sexy enough?

18:32Emily Morse: Am I doing this right? Does he like what I'm doing? Do they like me? Not do I like them, but do they like me? Like that's just, I wish I knew this. I wish I knew this, but that was so like, do they like me? Just remember like, and I've learned this the hard way. the more I'm in my head during sex, worrying or thinking or planning or performing, the less I'm in my body. So I couldn't, and I didn't know this then, I couldn't feel anything if I was thinking about a routine. I was thinking about what I had to do because real pleasure requires presence. So pleasure and presence go together. Being present during sex is where you're going to get more pleasure and where you're going to get more self-knowledge and where you're going to just start to understand everything more about your pleasure and going forward.

19:31Emily Morse: Just taking a moment when you notice your mind wandering, you can just say, okay, my mind's wandering, but what is happening in this moment with this person? God, I wish I knew that.

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20:49Emily Morse: Here's the seventh thing that I wish I knew about sex in my 20s. I wish I knew this in my 30s, 40s. I didn't realize that stress affects desire, right? I thought desire should always be available. I should just be able to snap my fingers and there's this person I'm in a relationship with and my desire should be on demand. Like it should just be able to do it. I had no idea that my nervous system was impacting my sex life. So if I had a really stressful day, I was worried about money or my job or had any concerns that I wouldn't be able to have the most like present, desirable wonderful sex i didn't know that god knows i was anxious and this is an anxious time everyone has anxiety right now it's like the anxious generation that book has been on the bestseller list for so so long right now right the anxious generation do you think they're having great sex probably not right you do what were you doing in your 20s in my 20s like for work like what was your yeah what is your life so in my 20s I was living in San Francisco and I had roommates and I was working in politics and I was going to work every day and I was like riding my bike to work and I was running a political campaign I was in way over my head but I loved it and I had a lot of friends and I was dating a bunch of people I was like a serial monogamist and so I would meet guys out and about I would date someone for a while and then honestly I would date somebody in my 20s that I really liked.

22:23Emily Morse: And then after a few months or six months or nine months, I didn't have desire as much for them anymore. I didn't know that this was a cycle that when you start dating somebody, it's usually pretty good at the beginning if you're choosing someone you're attracted to. And when there would start to be a problem in the relationship, I had no knowledge that your sex life is going to change when you're with somebody for a while. I didn't know that I could work on it. So I would end the relationship and then find someone else. San Francisco was a good time back then. I mean, it's still probably a good time, but I was like working hard.

22:56Emily Morse: I was running campaigns. I had a really important job at City Hall. I had a parking spot. I had health insurance. You really didn't even know you were anxious. I didn't even know I was anxious. There was no word for anxiety. I mean, I really, actually, I've been anxious for a long time and I realized that I didn't even have the word for anxiety. It was more like my brain was always going. it was always like I remember saying this to a therapist once I'm like I'm so confused because like I will be at work and I'd be thinking I gotta pick up the dry cleaning I gotta pick up the dry cleaning and then I would get to the dry cleaner and I'd be like I gotta get home I gotta get home and then I just remember explaining this to a therapist but I didn't know that it was called obsessive rumination and anxiety I was like but then if I'm out with friends I want to be home if I'm home I should be out with friends and my mind was just a beast my mind didn't like wasn't serving me, but I didn't know to call it anxiety then.

23:48Emily Morse: It was just worry. And it was, it was worry. And I didn't know anything about meditating and being present and like learning how to work with my thoughts. So that's what it was like then. Yeah. So yeah, that was me. I mean, there was no word for it. I mean, I wonder if people are more anxious now or people are just talking about it more because it wasn't like, and this is, we didn't have cell phones. I'm a little, you know, we didn't have all the technology, but we still had anxiety. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that stress was affecting my desire, that anxiety was affecting it, that sleep, if I wasn't sleeping well, that was affecting my desire.

24:31Emily Morse: If I had resentments or if I didn't feel safe with someone, I was like, no. And when I'm safe, there's a lot of ways that we don't feel safe. I didn't feel that anyone was going to harm me physically. But if there was a relationship where I didn't know if this person was really into it or if they did something that wasn't really like, that didn't make me feel good. Like maybe they said they were going to call and they didn't call or they said they were going to make a plan and they didn't. Then every time someone breaks their agreement with you, you start to trust them less. And then you've left safety.

25:03Emily Morse: So there's a lot of different ways safety shows up, especially as women. There's a lot of times we just don't feel safe. Like we've got pepper spray or walking with our keys between our hands. Like we're worried we're going to get jumped in the parking lot. There's different levels of safety, sharing your location with somebody. But even just these little infractions build resentment. And then guess what that does? Squashes your desire, you know? So I just think, I think it was interesting to think about. And that sex, the other thing I wish, like I didn't realize that sex, sex wasn't separate from the rest of my life.

25:36Emily Morse: You know how sex feels like, well, I'm just going to, it's almost like, okay, I'm walking into the gym and I'm going to take a class. And then you're going into class mode. Like, I'm going to go take a spinning class at the gym. And then you're like, this is a class. And that class can actually be impacted, I suppose, by what you ate that day, how much energy you have, if you like the teacher, all these things. And I think I thought sex was like just going into sex now and sex was something in app. But I didn't realize that my entire day and how I was feeling was impacting my ability to have great sex and show up.

26:08Emily Morse: I just got a question here. It says, do I think different generations deal with sex differently in their 20s? I was a loner in my 20s and always chased lost love. I'm wondering about that. How did you all act in your 20s? You know, yeah, I think in your 20s, you just, you know, maybe in your 20s, we're chasing different things. We're experimenting with different kinds of people. Maybe it's the first time we've lived away from home. So we're juggling like adulthood and learning how to pay our bills and how to maybe, you know, manage our lives and our friendships and a job. And so, and we know we don't have a lot of information about sex.

26:43Emily Morse: Now today's 20 something certainly grew up with porn and the internet and social media and a lot of other things that are presenting ideas about sex that might actually be more harmful than generations without all of that. But I still think the zero information or the misinformation about sex are all impacting people in their 20s. I think in your 20s, you make a lot of the mistakes. You date people that aren't right for you. Hopefully you only date one or two people that don't treat you well, maybe one, and you learn the lesson quickly. I mean, now we have so much information about personality disorders or narcissism or depression or even addicted to our technology.

27:22Emily Morse: There's just so many more people talking about mental health right now. But we're not talking about sex enough in a way that's actually going to help you, which is why I wanted to come on here with you today to inspire you. And I hope this is doing that. So the eighth thing I wish I knew in my 20s, I thought everybody wanted sex the exact same way. That there was a normal way to have sex and a right way to have sex. but the truth is everyone's erotic blueprint is different. Everybody wants something different or they desire something different or they like from things as positions. Some people like being in the top.

28:03Emily Morse: Some people like being in the bottom. Some people like sex in different places or different times or certain things turn them on but I had no idea. I just thought this is the sex that you have and this is how you do it. Some people need emotional connection first. Some people are like I want to have a really great conversation with this person or go out for a great meal and then I'm going to want to have the sex. And some people need physical touch first. Like I want this person to touch me first or I want to kiss first and then I'll know if I want to have sex. Some people have just spontaneous desire.

28:32Emily Morse: They are immediately turned on and they want to have sex. Some people have responsive desire. They respond to other things happening like somebody buying them something or taking them to dinner or having a conversation with them. Differences doesn't mean that you're broken. It's just that we don't have a lot of great models about what sex looks like. And if you've only been watching porn, it's not really going to tell you some of these nuances because everyone's different. So if everybody's different, then how, like, it's on us to decide this is exactly the kind of sex that I want. So I feel like that here I was in my 20s assuming that everyone wanted sex the same way, but I didn't even really know what I wanted.

29:21And then I was making it up that this is how the sex happens.

29:24Emily Morse: You go down to me. I go down on you. We get naked. We have sex. It's over. But sex is so expansive. Like there's so many other things you could do, but I just had no idea about it at all. What about you guys? Anything else that you used to believe about sex, but you don't believe now? Is there a boundary now that you like wish you? Yeah. Or did you even like know what boundaries were when you were 20? I had no idea in my 20s about boundaries. I didn't know in my 20s that I could even speak up. I was so terrified to speak up in my 20s. And so now what I've learned, that's a great reframe. So now what I've learned is I have to be with somebody that I really connect with.

30:10Emily Morse: that I want to have a conversation with, that I don't move to sex so quickly anymore, right? I really want to know somebody, have a connection to them. I want to make sure that we're on the same page. I want somebody who's willing to experiment, who has an open mind about it, that somebody who's just doesn't take it so seriously and that they're willing to kind of play and get messy. Those are all good questions. So he just asked, is there a difference based on who you are attracted to or lifelong experiences or both. Everything. So yes. So who I was attracted to is way different to who I'm attracted to now.

30:48Emily Morse: I also think that you're a time for experimenting with different kinds of people. And I dated people who were much more like open or wild or like people maybe I didn't care much about having great conversations with them. Or maybe I like somebody who liked going out dancing. I was a big dancer then. So I really was important that someone liked to like dance or like to like work out or do things like that. I'm trying to think of how it's changed. It's a great question. I feel like it's life experiences. I think it's both. I think also in my twenties, in my twenties, I was never thinking long-term.

31:26Emily Morse: I thought I had all the time in the world so I could spend six months with the DJ was kind of a mess, but it was really fun because we liked going to parties and it was really good to be with like someone who was playing good music. Like I wasn't like, is this going to be my lifelong partner that we're going to move in together and build a life? You just, I felt in my twenties that like time was infinite. I could be very present with every experience because I wasn't thinking about what it meant for the future. And it was, I was taking it like much more experimentally than, than actually any longevity around this person.

32:03Emily Morse: Like I could easily waste two years in a relationship in my 20s and not even batting eye. I'm like, okay, on to the next. You just, life is, you have a huge life ahead of you and it didn't matter. And when I think it got into my 30s, I started thinking like, okay, well, I've gated enough people at this point, a lot, and I knew a little bit more what was important to me. I wanted more maturity. I wanted more initiation. I wanted people who did what they said they were going to do and followed through with themselves. Yeah, someone else here in the chat said you need some mental and emotional foreplay these days.

32:36Emily Morse: Who doesn't, you guys? Our brain is the largest sex organ. I definitely need mental foreplay and emotional. Like, I want to know that we can have a conversation and that you care. I mean, life is so, life is so, so, there's so many people in the world right now. We have so many inputs that you definitely want to be with someone who cares about you, who you can talk to. It's not just about the sex. Maybe for many of you, it is just about rubbing genitals together. But the more years go on, I realize that sex isn't just an act that you do. It's an entire experience that you're having with somebody.

33:10Emily Morse: And there are so many other factors that are important. Is this person safe? Are they trustworthy? Are they clean? Do I like them? Are they a good person? Are they kind? I want to be attracted to you, yes. But like, I don't know. Do you make good decisions about yourself? Do you pay your bills on time? Do you like your family? Do you like your mother? Do you like your dad? Or it's okay, parents can suck sometimes. But like, how do you feel about the people around you? How do you treat the people around you? What are you interested in? I mean, life is so short and our time is so precious. And then I started to realize as I got older, like in my 30s, like this is my body.

33:45Emily Morse: Like I'm not going to let anybody touch me and be able to experience me until I feel safe with them. So when I moved out of my 20s, it was less about do they like me? Do they want me? Are they affirming me? am I getting those affirmation nuggets do I have validation from this person and then maybe I'll sleep with them but it's totally been reversed into how do they make me feel are they someone that I respect are they someone I admire right I wasn't thinking that then I didn't have enough experience I didn't have enough years on the planet which is why I'm talking about the 10 things I wish I knew about sex in my 21st someone else here said I recently dated a beautiful woman who was ready to have sex.

34:23Emily Morse: She was so shallow though. No go sexually. Yeah. You could see the hottest, most attractive person, but when they open their mouth and you're like, we've got nothing in common. Like there's nothing quicker that can lose your desire than somebody who just says something that is just like not hot, not attractive. So like I'm all for getting to know someone first. Not to be said for like this sexy stranger across the room, you lack eyes and you go have sex in the bathroom or something, sure, those are fun stories. But at the end of the day, those aren't the best sexual experiences. There aren't those most pleasurable sex.

34:57Emily Morse: Those aren't the ones that are really going to move the needle for your pleasure. They're a great story. You know, a lot of it is a great story. So yes, I've got a lot of really fun, frivolous sex experiences. I could do an entire show or two about them. But when what I'm trying to teach you and educate you on is how you can get curious and know yourself about how you want to show up in the bedroom and what you desire right now, really at any age. The number nine. Number nine, the ninth thing I wish I knew in my 20s. I didn't know how much shame was driving my decisions. Fuck. I don't think I knew what shame was in my 20s, if I'm honest.

35:36Emily Morse: I had no idea what shame was. But did I ever have shame? I just thought something is wrong with me. I am so broken sexually. I know that I am. I know that everyone else is having better sex than I am and they must be having more orgasms. They must know exactly what they're doing, but I certainly do not. I didn't know that most of us are carrying sexual shame. Like what I didn't know is like too sexual. Am I not sexual enough? Am I too kinky or too vanilla? Too much experience, too under experienced, too needy, too much. Underneath all of those questions are just like shame. Am I not enough? Am I not enough for this person?

36:13Emily Morse: Am I going to disappoint them? Are they going to see me naked and then like call a taxi, call an Uber and be like, check, please? Like shame was running my entire sexual show. And I didn't even know how to be present because also when you are in a shame spiral, you think that you are actually present having this. No, even you can even feel somebody touching you if you are in a goddamn shame spiral. Hell no. And that was huge. Yes. People are saying here They are shamed in their body. I don't think that I knew. I knew. I knew what it was. I don't think we talked about shame as much. I mean, we have shame in every area of our lives, so I certainly had it then.

36:55Emily Morse: Someone says, do you still believe in love at first sight in your younger years, older years? I believe in lust at first sight. I believe that you can have a lot of lust at first sight. and you can see someone and think, oh my God, that is the most, the hottest person I have ever seen. This is my person. And I do think in some cases it might be, but a lot of times you put way too much weight on it. Like love at first sight or my parents met this way and this is how I'm going to meet. But I think if you are present and curious, you know, yeah, you could meet someone amazing. There's lots of stories about that, but maybe you just met someone that you had a spark with, but it doesn't mean that you are their forever person.

37:35Emily Morse: A lot of you are saying that you were ashamed of your body and I'm still ashamed of your body, constantly judging myself. I know you guys, but think about it. Like here we are, we want to have incredible sex. We want to feel seen and connected and we're so worried about our bodies. And I'm just here to tell you, and I'm trying to think of the best way to say this because I was with a friend the other night, a girlfriend, and she said to me, she has so much shame about her body and I've known her for a long time and I didn't realize how much shame she was carrying. I kind of thought she was like run-of-the-mill shame, but she had shame about her body, like about her vulva.

38:08Emily Morse: She had the shame and she was like, I just think this is why I'm not lovable. And I was trying to tell her that in these 20 years, 20 plus years, I've talked to hundreds of thousands of people. My podcast has been done a little a billion times. I've never once had a man say to me, well, I was really into her, but her labia was this left to the right or it was their body did this thing. And maybe you all think that you haven't told me, but I even haven't had a woman say like everything was amazing, but I didn't like his body either. I know you're going to not believe me. I know you're going to be like my penis is too small or my boobs aren't big enough.

38:42Emily Morse: But if I could tell you, sure, there might be outliers of that. I could kind of one hand how many like helpful conversations I had someone who was actually like, oh, it's about this particular body part. But that's it, one hand. I could count on a thousand hands. I could count on 10 ,000 hands how people were just worried that they weren't enough, that their partner didn't see them, that they didn't know how to ask for what they want. They didn't know how to have an orgasm. They didn't. And that's the problem. So, but body shame goes so much deeper. So even though I can give you all the reasons why you shouldn't have it, we all have it.

39:17Emily Morse: I have it too. But what I've learned is what, how I've worked on my body shame is that I've practiced when I'm with a lover, getting so present in the moment to our connection, through breathing, through looking to each other's eyes, through when my mind starts going and like, oh my God, I look this way. I go right back to this person, to this presence, to this moment. What am I feeling right now? Oh God, I'm feeling my partner's hands on my body. You know, what am I hearing? Oh, this is my favorite playlist. What am I, you know, what am I seeing? I'm seeing this like sexy person in front of me.

39:56Emily Morse: And I go through all of my senses and I almost do it automatically now on a loop. So I bring myself back because this is my work. I will not allow myself to go into body shame because I know that what the hell am I doing here? It's like walking into the gym, eating a chocolate donut. It's like, I don't do that. I don't go to the gym and eat a chocolate donut. maybe after some days I'm like I deserve a piece of whatever I should eat this but I know that the shame is nowhere in the bedroom and and I I just yeah that's what I do and I think if you could know that recognize that it might be holding you back too and you could learn to just be like shame is no place in this bedroom I am here for my body and my pleasure I'm responsible for my pleasure and I'm ready to connect with somebody right now this person this person in front of me and I get to experience one of the most beautiful things in the world, which is human connection, right?

40:49Emily Morse: So since sex is so hard for people right now, we're missing connection that when you do have the opportunity to be sexually connected with someone, if you could remember these things or a few of these and bring them into the bedroom with you next time about you deserving pleasure and being pleasant, it's going to be, it's going to change your life. The 10th thing, the 10th most important thing I wish I knew in my 20s, I thought confidence came first. I thought I'll ask for what I want and then I'll feel confident. But confidence comes from taking the risk. Confidence comes from continually showing up and each time trying to be more present and really more present.

41:28Emily Morse: It's asking for what I wanted. It built my confidence. Having sex that was pleasurable felt good. Setting boundaries and telling people that I require oral sex. If you're not comfortable with sex toys and lube, we're not going to be together. If you say you're going to call me, you're going to call me. I need a text in the morning after we have sex because I feel more connected to you. I need you to do what you say you're going to do. I need to feel affirmed. Like, I just started laying it down. I had more boundaries. And when I would set more boundaries, my confidence would follow. It wasn't the other way around.

42:06Emily Morse: So setting boundaries helped me build the confidence. Trying something new builds confidence. Actually doing all the things that I share with you. Trying toys, trying different positions, doing things that scared me, doing things I'd never done before with a trusted partner built my confidence. Speaking honestly and vulnerably built my confidence. So just remember that your confidence comes from action, not before it. So the more you do things, you keep commitments to yourself. you show up in relationships with honesty and transparency the more confidence you're going to have so that's what worked for me everybody that's what I would love to tell you all about sex in your 20s and I would love to know what you think so I don't feel like those are boundaries those are opportunities yeah I mean you can call it what you want these are opportunities for growth and to learn and like we you know think of other areas in your life where maybe you've set boundaries or You've been very clear.

43:07Emily Morse: Clarity is kindness. You've asked for what you wanted, and you've probably had some results from that. Maybe you have more confidence at work these days or with your workouts or with cooking. You've been cooking more in your recipes or your food's getting so much better, right? It comes from actually doing the things we say we're going to do. So whether you knew these now or you didn't know these in your 20s, I appreciate you all for joining me for this little journey here. I've spent 20 years answering your questions about sex. And this was really about sitting down with my younger self and what I would tell my younger self about sex in my 20s.

43:41Emily Morse: And I want to share with you. So thank you, everybody, for joining me. I appreciate you all so much. Remember to find me on all social media. It's Sex with Emily. I am going on tour. It is Emily.com slash events. I'm going to be in Chicago, Philadelphia, Austin, somewhere else. Can't remember at the moment. But just check out Sex with Emily.com slash events. Sign up for my newsletter. it is sexwithemily.com slash newsletter check out my store all the things i love you all thank you for thank you for joining me and remember to stay curious bye everyone

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