What I Wish I Knew About Sex in my 30s

0:00Emily Morse: I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the dates. July 7th in Rosemont, Illinois at Zaney's. then heading to Philadelphia on August 5th, Nashville on September 29th, and Austin on October 7th. More cities to come. Come with your partner, your friends, fly solo. You'll leave with practical tools, plenty of laughs, maybe some surprises.

0:43Emily Morse: Well, definitely some surprises. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for tickets and tour information. I will see you there. Can't wait to meet you. Chemistry gets you together, but real skills keep you together. The butterflies eventually settle. You're not going to have the butterflies forever, but that is not the end of intimacy. That's actually where the relationship can grow stronger. Why is talking about sex actually harder than having sex? Stress affects desire more than attraction. That life can just crowd out intimacy. People say like, we're amazing partners, we're terrible lovers. is that great sex is something built.

1:22Emily Morse: Probably the biggest lesson I had in my 30s.

1:28Emily Morse: Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. This show is all about you. It's about you having better sex, expressing your desires, and knowing exactly what you want. Also be sure to follow me on all social media. It's Sex With Emily everywhere. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for full episodes and my newsletter. You're going to love my newsletter. I've been told I give really good newsletter, if you know what I mean. It's sexwithemily.com slash newsletter. Finally, I am going on tour. And I hope you join me.

2:04Emily Morse: I'll be going all over the United States. And my first stop is in Chicago on July 7th. And the show is all about you. I'll be answering your questions live. We'll be playing games. There's giveaways. It's going to be such a good time. You can find that at sexwithemily.com slash events. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode. Well, one question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom.

2:46Emily Morse: Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. Head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. At REI Co-op, we don't just sell outdoor gifts. We use them, test them, trust them. So we know what to give this season for joy rides, campfire cheers, and peak views. We know what to give the people you love who love to get out there. Because we're out there too. Just stop in and ask a green vest, like me. For the best gifts out there, shop in-store or at REI.com. Welcome to Sex with Emily, you guys.

3:29Emily Morse: What I'm talking about today is what we all should learn about sex in our 30s. And what I learned in my 30s about sex that changed my life. And I hope it'll change yours. so you're out of your 20s and you're like okay well if I'm dating now either you're dating and you're thinking you know what I better start maybe getting a little bit more serious if I want to have a baby or want to have a family and maybe you've matured a little bit where the people you're picking maybe you've made a lot of mistakes you've dated the toxic people you dated your mother you dated your father and you're like okay I don't want to repeat that pattern anymore I actually want to find someone that I click with maybe they could be my life partner at the same time you're working really hard you're getting into your career you've had some movement you maybe moved out of the house you're starting to make real money and we all know what happens then or maybe if you're not in your 30s yet that's when you start realizing like I gotta be an adult I gotta pay my bills I gotta figure out my future right but there's a few other things that that could happen in your 30s you're a little bit different place than you were in your 20s that's what I realized now my first lessons was that this I was in a relationship I was a serial monogamist and I was dating people for two years and then I would end it and then two years and I would end it because I thought that if we get great chemistry and that chemistry went away anyone else ever been with someone and it was the best sex ever the first year year and a half and then you're like why aren't we having sex anymore this is really this is maybe this isn't my person but now I know and hopefully you know that that doesn't mean the relationship has to be over it can actually be a great starting point for like now we're no longer in the honeymoon phase of our relationship but now we're going to work on like the deeper stuff and learn how to communicate but I know for me at the time I was like no it was amazing and now it's hard so I should probably move on but if I look back the lesson I learned was that you can have attraction you can have chemistry but the real relationship takes work another thing I learned is that you have to communicate communication doesn't have to be awkward it can actually be sexy now I remember there was a very challenging sexual situation with a guy who was dating for like two years in my 30s and mostly it was about performance anxiety he experienced performance anxiety and that impacted his ability to stay hard during sex.

5:57Emily Morse: Now, to be honest, like a lot of women I talked to, I wasn't, I was like, okay, we can work on that together. And I started buying him books and we could talk about it. And I tried to talk about it, but it was awkward. And then I felt that he didn't want to talk about it. I made assumptions. And then I was like buying him books and sending him articles. But I was sort of separate. I was like, this is your problem. You should probably go fix it and i didn't realize i could say you know what you're having these struggles with your penis i'm actually having struggles with my vagina i'm not having orgasms why don't we like clean slate come together not literally but maybe and figure out how we could make this better for both of us but i just thought our sex life changed if we have to communicate about it this is really awkward it probably means there's a problem in the relationship so hopefully you learn that communication is awkward but it's also sexy because the more you talk about it the better sex you're going to have which is why i always say communication is a lubrication i think that's when i originated that you got to talk about sex it's going to make it hotter because the communication actually creates better intimacy which creates better sex that's really what it's about the other thing i learned is that i could be really attracted to my partner but if i was stressed out or had anxiety, I couldn't be aroused at all.

7:19Emily Morse: I didn't realize that my stress and anxiety impacts the relationship. And at the same time, my partner was building a business. I was dating someone who was building a business and he was really stressed out. So we'd both be working all day and really worried about work. And then we'd get home and thinking we have to have sex when we were both still on our laptops. And then it felt like it was another thing to do. And then I felt like well I just don't you know I thought there was other things wrong but really I was just stressed now imagine this who had a baby in their 30s lots of people have baby in their 30s and like get this you've spent the last few years trying to get pregnant you were timing ovulation you were your sex became about getting pregnant which becomes a whole different way couples oriented and orient around it and then your partner's pregnant you got pregnant and then she's pregnant for nine months and then the sex is a little bit off then and then she has a baby and maybe you were told the doctor says after six weeks she's going to be tip-top shape wanting to have sex again.

8:22Emily Morse: Well here's a secret for the majority of women they are nowhere near ready after six months. They may want some intimate touch like a foot massage or a head massage or some more help around the house that might help them get more in the mood but just straightforward sex when they've had a baby hanging off their body all day long they're not necessarily ready for sex plus the hormones change especially for women if they had a baby so these are just other layers of things that can happen to a lot of people in their 30s talk about stress having a baby changing your lifestyle not being free anymore learning how to be parents that's going to impact your desire those are some things the next thing is I learned that boring sex doesn't mean a boring relationship Now that was a huge breakthrough for me.

9:09Emily Morse: I mean, of course, we're going to be routine. That's inevitable. You're going to like make out, roll over, have oral sex, do fucking whatever you do. And then it's over. And then you would like watch TV. But that became so predictable and so boring. And I didn't know to stay curious. I didn't even know there were other options. And I didn't know you could make it interesting. That's why so many couples are like, can we get the spark back? We've become roommates. We're best friends. We keep having the same sex over and over and over again. This is what I hear all the time. So this is what's happening in your 30s.

9:46Emily Morse: I get it. But this is also where we need to say, how can we get curious about this? Our sex life is so important. We still have that chemistry, but we have all these layers around it. Stress, responsibility, jobs, kids. But this is the time we can say, I pledge to you, we pledge to each other that we're going through a rough patch here with our sex life. But let's find ways we can prioritize it together by having date night as a non-negotiable, by talking about our sex in a really honest, open way, without blaming each other and without shaming. This is a big step for your 30s. Before we get back to the episode, let's have a little real talk about something we usually keep behind closed doors.

10:30Emily Morse: And that is leaking. Whether it's during a workout, a good laugh, or even during sex, it's incredibly common, especially having kids. But listen to me, it is not something you have to just live with. Your pelvic floor is the foundation of your core, your bladder control, and your sexual function. And just like any other muscle, there are ways to strengthen it, like making sure you do your kegel exercises. I've been using the Amsella chair by BTL for years. Literally just sit on the chair fully clothed for 27 minutes, and it's equivalent of doing 12 ,000 kegels. It's crazy. And seriously, such an easy way to strengthen your pelvic floor.

11:05Emily Morse: So you feel supported, in control, and way more confident in your body. But we know pleasure isn't just physical, it's mental too. So that's why I'm also loving BTL's ExoMind. It's an FDA-cleared, non-invasive therapy that uses transcranial magnetic stimulation, or TMS, which has been around for years, but they've innovated on it. It sends targeted magnetic pulses to enhance neuroplasticity and mental wellness. These sessions take about 20 to 30 minutes and help with mood, clarity, and emotional balance. So you just feel more regulated. So when you support your body with Amsella and your mind with ExoMind, you're really setting yourself up for success.

11:45Emily Morse: Listen, you deserve to feel present in your pleasure and you're going to love how you feel with these treatments. I know I do. To learn more about these super innovative treatments, head over to bodybybtl.com or just click the link in the show notes. At REI Co-op, we don't just sell outdoor gifts. We use them, test them, trust them. So we know what to give this season. For joy rides, campfire cheers, and peak views. We know what to give the people you love who love to get out there. Because we're out there too. Just stop in and ask a green vest, like me. For the best gifts out there, shop in-store or at REI.com.

12:56Find Fall Your Way at Ross.

13:26Emily Morse: who is a little bit more spontaneous and a hell of a lot of other people are responsive. I'm going to respond to how connected I feel to you. I'm going to respond to that great date night we had. I'm going to respond to that sexy conversation we had and that made me want to have sex. But just waiting for desire to hit you over the head, it changes at this time. Like imagine a couple who's been together for five years. One partner worries because the other never initiates sex anymore. That's what they start feeling. They're not initiating sex anymore. They must not be attracted to me anymore. What did I do?

13:59Emily Morse: Do I need to like lose weight or do like some other special move in the bedroom? It must be about me. And then so then they blame themselves. So they stop initiating, right? And they're waiting for their partner to initiate, but their partner would probably initiate if they knew how to initiate, but they just don't. So it becomes a whole thing. But then they realize too that every time they do start kissing or cuddling or take a shower together they're a little bit more into it. They just had to like get out there and start doing something again. So the problem wasn't attraction it was the desire wasn't showing up before they connected.

14:38Emily Morse: The desire wasn't showing up when one person got home from work. The desire wasn't just showing up on a Saturday morning. It showed up because of connection, because they took a shower together, because they started kissing that's more the responsive desire that's everyone's responsibility to be like oh let me get curious what what would make us feel attracted to each other like what could we do because we're going to have to figure it out because we still want to be together we're still really attracted to each other but how we were having sex change and this is where a lot of people fall down in their 30s and really in every decade months go by years go by and they just assume it's their partner's fault it's their fault it's a million other things rather than just saying nipping it and saying nipping into the bud and saying I've noticed our sex life has changed right now let's get really focused and clear and commit to each other we're going to prioritize it next thing I learned my body wasn't the enemy like so listen you guys this is for me I think everyone realizes this like I'm working really hard I'm running a business I can't I don't have as much time for working out I feel like I've gained weight over the last few years I have other women they get on an antidepressant or they're on the birth control pill a lot of you say you can't remember the last time you wanted sex and maybe she's thinking maybe I lost my sex drive but what she what you really need in your 30s when you're like did I lose my sex drive why my body changed is you don't need to be 25 again.

16:11Emily Morse: You might just need more sleep, less stress, a little bit more compassion for your body that you're living in right now, the experience you're having right now. We change in every decade. So rather than wishing we could get back to it, couples always say to me, I wish we could just get back to how it was in the beginning. guess what you're never going back in fact no couple has ever gone back to how it was in the beginning we can't recreate that that's what got you together and it was amazing and we love that time and we should just have a moment of of appreciation for it and maybe even a moment of silence as we let it go from our our fantasy life because you can't create the newness and the spontaneity and the excitement that came from from never having met this person before never seen them naked before the first time you went on vacation together the first time you saw each other naked that's gone but you know what lives a relationship where you take that chemistry and that attraction and that and that safety and from there that's the soil that you have to build a beautiful connected sex life like that's where the magic happens i'm gonna start asking like what do i want what does my partner want i hear this all the time like from women who are like no one ever asked me what I wanted and then I never asked myself and then a lot of times her partners assumed that she liked the same thing that was happening but she didn't because her body changed her desire changed and his might have too but he only had that same routine from the beginning so this is where we stop performing and we choose pleasure at all costs what do we have to do now given this age and this body and this time of life to say we're going to choose pleasure and intimacy however that looks maybe we take sex off the table so this is like what do i actually want in this life in this decade that changes everything another thing was that life can just crowd out intimacy people say like we're amazing partners we're terrible lovers because life becomes logistics who's picking up the kids who's paying the bill who's making dinner like you become business partners.

18:23Emily Morse: You have to intentionally become lovers again. I feel like people and then like they get into conflict sometimes and they don't know how to repair these conflicts. People think oh we're so healthy we never fight we're just like coexisting in our life. I think about the couples who've been together for like four years. They have their first really big fight. Nobody cheats. Nobody lies. They're just hurt and then one of them says maybe we're just not compatible. But instead of breaking up, they actually talk it through. They apologize. They understand each other better. And afterwards, they feel closer than they did before the fight.

19:04And then that's when they realize conflict didn't weaken the relationship.

19:08Emily Morse: It deepened it. And just because life got messy and hard and we started having conflicts, we can actually talk it through. that's the healthier expression around that the biggest lesson is that great sex is something you build it's probably the biggest lesson I had in my 30s like I just thought oh my 20s like it'll happen if you find the right person but in my 30s it's like I thought it happens because we keep showing up for each other because we keep getting curious we keep talking we keep learning we choose intimacy over and over again. Think about two separate couples. One has incredible chemistry, can't keep their hands off each other.

19:49Emily Morse: They assume it'll always be that way. They never talk about sex. They never try anything new. They never check in. And then five years later, they're barely connecting. The other couple has good chemistry, not fireworks, but they keep talking. They laugh, they experiment they ask each other like what's changed what can we do 10 years later they're having even better sex than they had in the beginning the difference wasn't chemistry it was the intention it was the intention and the container they set was like we're gonna be each other's lives forever we're gonna we're gonna find ways to be intentional about our sex life you know the couples having great sex years later they're not just lucky they weren't just born with great genetics they're the curious ones who kept talking about their relationship thanks megan she says i'm doing great my videos have helped you tremendously how would i approach a woman who has never worked on this aspect of her life and then this she says possibly a situation possibly a situation where they overvalue their vagina when where they think since they have one they already know everything yeah that's interesting he's a guy this is a question that just came in when i sleep with women I find they haven't ever invested in any sex education for themselves whatsoever and they feel like there's nothing left to learn I got you I understand that now so this is a huge huge thing I find this to be true I don't know if you're sleeping with women in their 20s or 30s or 40s but I got to be honest I know that I'm breaking these down into decades because last weeks was the week of the 20s which you'll find that episode but I have to tell you I find people in every decade learning these lessons I find people in their 50s to your point that never know their own body they haven't invested in sexual education for themselves and as a sex educator and a sexologist I'm giving you I'm trying to help you educate yourself because to your point I think for a lot of women and men but for women it could be they grew up in an environment or culture where they thought that sex education and by that I mean learning about their own bodies what make them feel good how to feel pleasure was frowned upon maybe they were told not to touch themselves that masturbation was wrong out of marriage and having sex out of marriage or out of wedlock or out of a committed relationship was something that they weren't allowed to do and along with that came well you can't masturbate you can't touch yourself so to your point you might be with a woman who didn't investigate her own sex education i.e masturbation touching herself because she actually didn't know about it didn't think it was it was okay and that her partners that sex was more about a partnered experience but the truth is she can't show up having sex if she didn't figure herself out first now you could say to her the women who feel like they don't know their bodies i'd love to explore together let's figure out what feels good to both of us because it's really common that women and men haven't done this work I love the idea of like co-ed sex education together sexiest thing in the world so rather than saying like why didn't she learn and you're in a relationship with her say like let's figure out your body together tonight we're just going to figure out your body we're going to we're going to like touch you we're going to figure out what feels good to you let's do it together and then tomorrow we can figure out my body so it becomes a collaboration that you're both experiencing highly recommend that that no matter what age you're at in your life 20s 30s 40s these are lessons we need to be learning and sometimes relearning learning for the first time or constantly relearning that relationships aren't about perfection they're not about hot sex all the time they're about repair and curiosity how do I repair this conflict how do I get curious about my partner and what they like what do I actually like so it's a really vibrant it's a really full decade that you get to say I'm on a sexual journey either with myself or my partner but I know there's a lot left to learn and I'm only getting started thank you everyone for joining me it's here at sex with Emily you can find me on all platforms sex with Emily you can follow me on tour I'm going on tour I'm going to be in Chicago on July 7th at Zany's just go to sexwithemily.com slash events you are listening to this episode know that you can watch Watch the whole episode on YouTube that I recorded during a live with my YouTube audience.

24:19Emily Morse: And follow me everywhere. That's what I got. I love you all. Stay curious. Thanks for showing up. Have a great night.

24:31Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

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