What You Got Wrong About Men & Sex in Marriage

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1:04Emily Morse: I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the date. Nashville on September 29th. Come with your partner, your friends. Fly solo. You'll leave with practical tools, plenty of laughs, maybe some surprises. Well, definitely some surprises. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for tickets and tour information.

1:43Emily Morse: I will see you there. Can't wait to meet you.

1:48Emily Morse: If you're married to a good man and somewhere along the way, the sex quietly faded, you've probably been told the problem is simple. You just want sex. and you're not giving him enough. That's a lie. And the distance between you often isn't caused by something being wrong with you. It could come from a few harmful cultural lies about male sexuality and what sex can mean in a loving marriage. You grew up hearing these things and so did he. But those lies could be shaping your marriage right now. Once you see these five lies for what they are, the dynamic between you can start to shift. That distance may not be permanent and it may not be only about sex.

2:26Emily Morse: So you can start feeling wanted again, close again, on the same team again, where he puts his hand on your back and you don't pull away. Because you both finally know it isn't a demand for anything. And you can get there without ever doing a single thing you don't want to do. I'm Dr. Emily Morse. I have a doctorate in human sexuality, and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts, Sex with Emily, in the world for over 20 years. I've talked with thousands of couples in similar patterns where neither person has to be the villain and both people may be hurting. I'm going to walk you through five common lies many of us were handed, show you what sex can mean to him, and give you one conversation that can completely change the dynamic.

3:10Emily Morse: Lie number one, his whole agenda is sex. That's all he wants. This is probably one of the biggest misconceptions I see. For many men, sex isn't just about sex. it's one of the primary ways they experience emotional connection. When he reaches for you sexually, he may actually be saying, I choose you. I still desire you. I miss you. We're okay. The challenge is that many men were never taught another language for asking for closeness. They weren't taught to say, feeling disconnected or I miss feeling wanted by you. So instead, they reach through touch. They initiate sex. Now, I want to be really clear here.

3:49Emily Morse: Understanding what sex means to him is not the same as saying you owe it to him. You never owe anyone access to your body. Consent always matters. But when you understand what sex may represent to your partner, you're less likely to misread each other. So instead of hearing, he just wants sex, you might hear, he's trying to connect with me. That's a very different conversation. Lie number two, men don't need emotional intimacy. We've all heard this one. If he's getting sex, he's happy. And honestly, it's just not true. Many men crave emotional closeness just as deeply as women do. They just don't always express it the same way.

4:29Emily Morse: A lot of men struggle to say, I'm lonely, or I miss you, or I just don't feel desired anymore. Sex may be one of the very few places where they feel emotionally connected, accepted, and wanted. So while a woman might hear, he wants sex again, what he may actually be saying is, I miss us. I miss feeling close to you. If we only hear the request for sex, we miss the feeling underneath it. And that's where couples get stuck. He feels rejected, she feels objectified, and neither person feels understood. And suddenly sex becomes a place where both people feel hurt instead of connected. Line number three, men are always ready for sex.

5:10Emily Morse: This one hurts men too. We've somehow convinced everyone that men should always be in the mood, always ready, always performing. And that's a tremendous amount of pressure. And here's what we know about desire. Pressure is one of the fastest ways to shut it down. For women, for men, for everyone. Men have off days. They get stressed. They get anxious. They worry about performance. They struggle with hormones, medications, body image, depression, and everything else that affects desire. If he's not interested one night, it doesn't automatically mean he's not attracted to you. The context matters.

5:44Emily Morse: Stress matters. His nervous system matters too. Line number four, sex is just physical for men. Yeah, physical pleasure is part of it. But for many men, that's not the whole story. Underneath the physical experience is often something much more vulnerable. They want to feel chosen, accepted, desired, reassured that you're still on the same team. I've had countless men tell me that when their sex life disappeared, they didn't just miss sex. They miss feeling connected. They miss feeling loved. They miss feeling like they matter to their partner. Again, that's not every man, but it's a pattern I've seen over and over again.

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7:23Emily Morse: Number five, men don't take rejection personally. This one couldn't be further from the truth. Many men feel sexual rejection very deeply. The difference is they don't always talk about it. Instead, they just stop reaching for it. They stop initiating. They protect themselves. And here's how the cycle usually plays out. He reaches for you. You're not in the mood. He feels rejected. So next time, he doesn't reach. And meanwhile, you notice that every hug, every kiss, every touch seems to come with an expectation of sex. So you start pulling away from touch altogether because you don't want to have to say no later.

8:04Emily Morse: I mean, maybe even fake sleep when he comes home. And then he experiences that as even more rejection. And you experience it as self-protection. And neither of you is trying to hurt the other. That's so important. But you both end up feeling lonely. And then the flirting disappears and the affection fades. And then you stop repairing after conflict. Remember, relationships are not about perfection. They're about how you repair. And you become great teammates, but you stop feeling like lovers. And honestly, that's the part that breaks my heart. Because most of these couples still love each other.

8:40Emily Morse: They're just stuck in a pattern neither of them understands. So what is actually happening? In many relationships, you're speaking two completely different languages of connection. Now, I've been talking about this for years. Many women need to feel connected to want sex. And many men use sex to feel connected. Neither is wrong. They're just different pathways to the same destination. The problem is that each partner assumes the other person experiences desire the same way they do. That makes sense, right? I only know my experience of desire, so I assume that you desire me the same way I do. And that's where the misunderstandings begin.

9:21Emily Morse: And here's one small thing you can try this week. Notice how your partner reaches for connection outside the bedroom. Maybe it's a hand on your back while you're cooking or a kiss before work or an arm around you while you're watching TV. Now, if every touch is starting to feel like it's leading somewhere, like leading to an escalation of sex, of course, you're going to pull away. So start talking about touch. Your partner might say, I just want to hold you. This doesn't have to lead anywhere. And you can ask for exactly the kind of affection you're craving. You can say, God, your hand feels really good.

9:55Emily Morse: Let's just cuddle. Like, let's just sit here with this touch for a minute. Or maybe it's a massage or it's a connection without expectation. Because when the touch starts automatically meaning, oh, this means we're going to have sex, something really interesting happens. Your nervous system relaxes. The pressure comes down. And that's often where desire has a chance to come back online. Now, I also want to say this because it's incredibly important. This isn't all on him, and it isn't all on you either. Your desire is real. It may just work differently than you were taught. In fact, none of us were taught any of this.

10:34Emily Morse: Responsive desire is incredibly common, especially for people in long-term relationships. It often shows up after you connect. So after you kiss, after you laugh together, after a really great conversation, after feeling emotionally safe, not always before. And if you've been sitting around waiting for this spontaneous desire, like you're just going to be turned on and to strike you the way it did early in your relationship, you're going to be waiting a long time, a really long time. But that doesn't mean you're broken. That's what I'm talking about. It just means nobody ever taught you how your desire actually works.

11:11Emily Morse: So here's the one thing I want you to try this week. Have this conversation, but don't have it in bed. Don't have it right after someone has been rejected and don't have it in the middle of a fight. Go for a walk. Grab coffee. Talk in the car. Talk somewhere neither of you is expecting sex. Because when you're already feeling hurt or defensive, even the most loving conversations can feel super loaded. Take the pressure off and then get curious. Ask each other questions you've probably never asked before. What does sex mean to you? When do you feel the most desired? When do you feel rejected? What helps you feel emotionally safe?

11:46Emily Morse: What kind of touch do you miss? What makes it easier to say yes? What makes it easier for you to hear no? Here's why this conversation matters. Most couples are guessing. He's guessing what you need and you're guessing what he means and neither of you is a mind reader. To this day, I've never met a mind reader. But this conversation gives you a map. Because after all these years, one thing I've learned is when couples fight about sex, they're rarely just fighting about sex. One partner is often asking, do you still want me? And the other is asking, do you see everything I'm carrying? And underneath both questions is something much more human.

12:29Emily Morse: Do I still matter to you? So neither of you have to be wrong. You may simply be speaking different languages of connection. So when you get curious, instead of making assumptions, everything starts to shift. Because the best lovers aren't people who magically know what their partner needs, because that's impossible. The best lovers are the ones who learn how to ask, how to listen, and how to keep talking. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sexwithemily.com. and please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms as I head into my 21st year.

13:11Emily Morse: You can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events. And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.

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