Why You Don’t Want Sex Anymore

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1:04Emily Morse: Sometimes you don't need to fix yourself with another supplement or another dating app or another conversation about why you're not having sex. Sometimes you need to change your environment. Get uncomfortable. Just get back into the world. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Emily Morse. And for over 20 years, I've been helping you prioritize your pleasure and liberating the conversation around sex. And on the Sex with Emily podcast, we talk about everything, pleasure and desire and dating and communication and your relationship and your orgasms and all the questions that you might be afraid to ask anywhere else.

1:46Emily Morse: And this is a judgment-free zone. So I'm here for you because listen, great sex isn't something you're just supposed to magically know how to have. It's something we can all learn. So if you're new to Sex with Emily, make sure you're following me. It's at Sex with Emily everywhere. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. And yes, you can watch this podcast on YouTube too. And then just head over to sexwithemily.com where you can sign up for my newsletters, which people love. I give really good newsletters, not to brag, and shop all my wellness products at shopsexwithemily.com. And finally, what I'm most excited about at the moment is the best sex ever tour.

2:26Emily Morse: I've been taking sex with Emily on the road, which has been a total dream come true. So thanks to everybody who's come out to join me. And it's like live coaching, Q &A, games, giveaways, conversations about sex that we all need to be having. And my next one is in Nashville. It's on September 29th, 2026. And then the next one is Detroit, my hometown, on November 25th, which is the night before Thanksgiving. Hope you all come and join me at sexwithemily.com slash events. These shows are, they could change your life. They will change your life. So whether you're listening or watching, just thank you all for being here.

3:05Emily Morse: And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. Let's get in today's episode. This is it, you guys. This is why we got to get out of the house and why connection is the missing piece of your sex life. This is a little bit personal, but I just want to share with you something that's been going on with me. So I moved. I finally moved. I was living in a place the last four years where I could literally go days without interacting with another human. And I got to be honest, I'm an extrovert. I love people. I love my friends. I love being around people. I thrive with people around. But it was like post-pandemic, I wanted more space.

3:48Emily Morse: I'd never live by the beach. And I thought, maybe I'm a beach girl. Like, maybe I should try that out. I needed more space. It was a whole thing. And it was just kind of an impulsive move that I moved there. I was dating someone who was by the beach. If you're in LA, you'll get what I'm saying. But I wasn't consciously deciding to isolate. but over time my life got a lot smaller. I was podcasting from home. I was Zooming from home. I was ordering things to the house and I just, my life just became a lot smaller and I knew something was, was off and I just thought, well, it's post pandemic. And then I just saw something that's like the pandemic was seven years ago.

4:34Emily Morse: The first like 20, 27 will be seven years since pandemic. I was like, wow, I have to stop saying post pandemic. And I can't believe how long it's been. But I, again, it was four years that over time, my life just got smaller. I don't know if this, if you're all working from home and this has happened to you. But I was just feeling that I was, yeah, and I did it. And it wasn't easy to move and find a place. I've been looking for a year. So here's what happened to me yesterday. And I want to share this with you. So I'm at the charging station trying to try and over and over to charge my car it is not working I'm convinced the charger is broken right I'm like trying and trying and I'm frustrated and I don't usually go to this charging station I think my car is broken and then this guy walks over to me he's like can I help you do you need help with the charging turns out I was trying to charge from the wrong side and so he's like just kind of walks me over to the other side he's like this is where you charge on this car and I was like my immediate reaction was oh I'm so stupid it.

5:36Emily Morse: And this complete stranger says to me, he's like, okay, well, now you got to say two nice things about yourself. I'm like, that's actually really nice and sweet. And also, okay, you're a stranger. I was like, well, and I actually was like, I'm really, I'm a really good friend. And also I'm very creative. And then he asked for my phone number and he asked me out. So I've lived here for approximately 24 hours in this part of town. I can't operate an EV charger and somehow like I already have a date, you know? So it got me thinking about like, maybe the charger wasn't really broken, but honestly, it made me think my life really needs to be plugged back in.

6:20Emily Morse: It was just this sort of surreal moment where I was like, all right, time to plug it back in. You know what? I kept thinking like maybe something has happened to me why don't I want to go anywhere why am I staying at home why do I feel disconnected I've never felt this before and again I was saying for a long time because before the pandemic which is now seven years ago um I was going to an office every day with a lot of people and I had a studio and I was in a neighborhood where there were people around and I just in my mind I was like well it can't just be that I'm living in a more isolated part of town I'd have to make more of an effort you know I was like why don't I feel like myself and I'm the most social person I know when did I become an introvert and I realized like it's not that I became an introvert but like my life became completely introverted so our environments shape us more than we realize you know you can have an amazing house the right job an incredible relationship the right neighborhood on paper and honestly I'm leaving I was living in the neighborhood that is very desirable.

7:24Emily Morse: A lot of people want to live over there. It just wasn't for me, right? And you might be living a life that isn't feeding you and everybody might be telling you, be grateful. You're so lucky. You have a great house and a great partner, you know? And sometimes we keep trying to fix ourselves instead of saying, is the life I've built actually working for me or is it working against me? And so I've spent a lot of time saying sexual health is wellness. We can't separate wellness from sexual health. It's an important pillar of our overall wellness. It's a vital sign. And I believe that more than ever.

8:01Emily Morse: But now I'm really thinking there's another piece of wellness we are not talking about enough, and that is our social health. Okay? Are you a social being? Are you out there seeing other people besides, you know, The same person or the person you live with. Have you gone out and met new people? Joined a club? Something that's not online? I mean, just something social. And you might be hearing this from a lot of places. Everyone's saying that on your deathbed, you're not going to wish you worked more. You're going to wish you loved more. We all know that there is a loneliness epidemic. And that's real.

8:42Emily Morse: And I also realize that I've spent so much time talking about sex is wellness, that we can't separate our sexual health and our overall health. They're not separate things. And I truly think that's so important. But another piece of wellness that we don't talk enough about is our social health, right? Like we're taking magnesium and tracking our sleep and doing cold plunges and drinking electrolytes, eating protein. I'm doing all these things. meditating and taking all the fucking supplements you should see how many supplements i moved with but a lot of it we're doing alone right working from home ordering food to the door groceries arrive you know dates are arriving like through a dating app like entertainment arrives through our screen and we've just eliminated the day-to-day friction from our lives but the friction is where people happen.

9:39Emily Morse: Like the guy at the charging station wasn't on my calendar. And also walking out of my house to walk my dog the other night, I saw four other people with dogs. In my last neighborhood, I didn't see anybody ever walking down the street. And it's like a major part of the city, but it just, maybe we weren't working out at the same time, you know? And this guy I met, like I didn't swipe right on him. There wasn't an algorithm. I was out in the world. I was out in the world doing things. And I just realized that it's just has not been a part of my life lately. And I don't, I think this is happening in a lot of cities, but you know, basically anywhere we live right now, we don't have to do the things we used to do.

10:22Emily Morse: And we've engineered serendipity out of our lives. I can't remember the last time I met somebody when I was just out and about or said hello to a stranger. I've been in this routine over and over again, going to the gym, doing the same things, not seeing the same people every day on my lonely walk down my old street. I would never run into people. And so, you know, I just think that how can you, how can we all put ourselves in situations that challenge us, that are maybe uncomfortable. So we can, you know, not everything needs to be scheduled and planned. And, you know, okay, so what does that have to do with sex?

11:07Emily Morse: Literally everything because our desire does not exist in this vacuum. Desire likes aliveness. So desire, the things that like we think I don't want sex anymore. My libido is broken. What desire likes is novelty, anticipation, like, is this going to happen? Is this not going to happen? And play and movement and eye contact, curiosity about somebody and something in our life. You know, when we're with the same person and doing the same things, we're no longer curious. There's no surprise. And erotic energy isn't just going to happen between two naked people at 1030 at night, right? It comes from feeling alive in your life.

11:50Emily Morse: And so this is really something that I've been asking myself the last, I've only been here for not even a week. I've been like, God, I really wasn't alive and I'm teaching aliveness. And this isn't just for people who are single. Some of the loneliest people I know are in a marriage, are in a committed relationship. You can be socially isolated and living with a partner, right? You wake up every day, you wake up in the same home, you work from home, you Uber eats your dinner, you watch Netflix, you scroll, you go to sleep, you repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, and your life becomes the same thing over and over again.

12:30Emily Morse: And then you're like, why aren't we having sex anymore? Right? And maybe nothing's wrong with your relationship. I think a lot of us think, well, we're not having sex. Something's wrong with our relationship. And there obviously could be problems in your relationship that you need to work on. But a lot of times it's because we need to separate from our partner. We need to do things separately. We need to go see our friends. We need to have stories to tell each other. We need to leave the house. I've heard this from a lot of my friends. Once we both started working from home, it was over for us.

13:01Emily Morse: They didn't know how to build in that separation. Because I got to be honest, It wasn't like it was all bad the last four years. I actually liked work. I'm like, this is really easy. I don't, I can wear my Uggs every day. I definitely can wear my sweatpants. I'm on a Zoom, right? There are things that are really easy about staying home. And I know being in a relationship is really easy too. It's predictable. It's your best friend. It's the same things over and over again. But sometimes we just need to like do separate things, have people over, or even like go somewhere you both have never been.

13:34Emily Morse: Take a night in your city where you each plan, you know, something. You're like, oh, there's this music playing across town. Or, I mean, every town has this, right? There's a part of town. You're like, I'm wanting to try that new restaurant. Or I haven't been to this, you know, place in a while. Or there's something happening, right? My mom yells at me at this all the time. She's like, there's so much happening in Los Angeles. And I remember with my ex-boyfriend, my mom was in town. And she said to both of us, she said, you each need to plan a night and surprise each other. Like she was telling me this and she was right.

14:05Emily Morse: You know, she's right. My mom was in their 80s and she and my stepdad have been together 40 years. We're always planning things and surprising each other. I mean, they live in Michigan. This is something that you can do and something that I'm going to need to do. You know, just go somewhere you've never been. Just those little things are going to bring energy back into your life. And then you can bring that energy back home to each other. Right? ultra running shoes are all about space the space to go further to feel better to do something you never thought possible and this space starts with ultra fit unlike traditional running shoes ultra fit gives toes more room to move naturally so every step is strong balanced and comfortable whatever you're lacing up for stay out there with ultra shop now at ultra running.com that's a-l-t-r-a running.com Your heart can tell you a lot about your health.

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15:29Emily Morse: So I think that your body might know before your brain does what's actually happening. So I've known for a while that where I was living wasn't working for me. My brain was like, it's a really pretty house. It's a desirable neighborhood. I should be grateful. Moving is a nightmare. Moving is a nightmare. I can't tell you what a nightmare moving is. If you haven't moved lately, people were like, oh, people are making me feel bad. and it actually worked. They were like, oh, I just read a study that moving is akin to losing a loved one. I'm like, yeah, that tracks, you know? Or I was like, maybe I'm the problem or I need to try harder in this environment.

16:10Emily Morse: I need to sign up for a class and make more of an effort. But knowing myself, it just wasn't working, right? It was like a dead relationship I was having with my house. And so I think we're constantly asking our brains to like rationalize situations that our bodies have already rejected, okay? Okay, so let me say that again. Our bodies, like I wasn't myself. I could tell that I wasn't happy, but my brain was like, this is fine. It's too hard. You should be grateful. And that might be what's happening in your relationship, right? You're overriding yourself. You're like, well, they're my best friend and it would be too hard to separate.

16:47Emily Morse: We adapt. We get used to things. We say, oh, it's fine. You know, it's not broken. I would hate to be alone again. And what if I end up alone? and I don't want to be on the dating apps or, you know, we just get really good at like tolerating lives that don't feel good to us. And, you know, I think that being stuck in a rut isn't always about needing a better routine. I mean, sometimes you've just actually over-adapted to a life that stopped feeding you. It stopped working for you. So sometimes you've just over-adapted to a life that stopped feeding you. So I want to ask you, where have you adapted to something that isn't working for you anymore?

17:30Emily Morse: Is it your relationship? Your sex life? Your friendships? Your job? Is it like your daily routine? Maybe the city you live in? The way you spend your weekends? So this is a challenge for all of us. For seven days, I do not want you to improve your life. I want you to increase your exposure to your life. You can pick one thing a day. Walk somewhere instead of driving. Work from a coffee shop. Call someone instead of text. That's a hard one. I'm like, do people really want to talk? They do. Call them. Invite someone over even though your house isn't perfect. Take a class. Say yes to something you'd normally skip.

18:10Emily Morse: This has been huge for me. I found myself saying no to everything. And then I was like, I'm going to say yes. I literally say it out loud. I'm like, you want to say no, but you're saying yes. Talk to someone you don't know. Flirt without having an agenda. Not because you need to find a partner, because you need to become available and get the energy from life again. Create friction in your life. Create that energy. Okay? Do it. All right. Now I'm going to get into a few questions that you've all asked me. These are some DMs. So if you want to send me questions, you can go to my website, sexwithemily.com.

18:45Emily Morse: feedback at sexwithemily.com or just DM all the places. My partner and I love each other, but we feel like roommates. How do we get the spark back? Okay, this is the most, this is a very common question. This is everything I'm talking about. So just because you feel like roommates doesn't mean that your relationship is a failure. I want you to ask yourself this. When did your lives become predictable? Do you remember when that switch happened? right like do you remember when you felt like oh my god the same person day in and day out and this is not about having more sex create more aliveness this is what this is about here guys I haven't even wanted to have sex the last few years I was not I didn't have aliveness in my life erotic energy is creative energy erotic energy is life energy so if you don't feel alive in your life and you're not having those sparks, it's going to be hard to feel that in your relationship.

19:41Emily Morse: So sometimes, you know, you could stop doing everything together. Separate experiences can feed your desire in your relationship. You know, I would also say adding novelty in your relationship. Like I was saying, make plans, you know, go see friends, have people over, get dressed, go somewhere, do something mildly uncomfortable together. Why this is so good for couples is when you try something new together, you get that dopamine spike and you know, you get that new, like we haven't done this before. It's a new class or a new gym. And that actually creates connection. Touch without making it about initiating sex.

20:23Emily Morse: This is something that a lot of couples fall into where every time their partner comes up to hug them, they're like, oh, this is going to lead to sex and that's the desire discrepancy that so many of us deal with and so I would think if you feel like you got to get the spark back and you feel like roommates you guys can go on this journey together you don't have to be the one person that's trying to solve the relationship because you are in it together okay this one came in I work from home and dating apps are basically my only way of meeting people how do I meet someone in real life okay so this goes back to putting yourself in situations where you're approaching people and you are meeting people and it doesn't have to be with the intent of finding a partner that is not the assignment because when you put that pressure on yourself like I got to go find someone new you're going to get anxious you're not going to talk to someone your assignment is to increase human connection like a human collision where you're going to meet someone just on the street or doing something like become a regular somewhere.

21:24Emily Morse: So going back to my example, I wasn't a regular anywhere. I had to drive everywhere. I didn't have as much of a walkable neighborhood. You know, maybe it's a coffee shop or the same workout or the same dog park that you go to, same farmer's market. Do something repeated where conversations naturally happen. And then when you're there, put the phone away, make eye contact, ask questions. Now this is a practice, but like practice talking to people that you're not attracted to. This is advice I've been giving for forever. And I know that this might seem, I don't know what it seems, but it's the best advice ever because I need it for myself too, guys.

22:01Emily Morse: Practice talking to people just for saying hello. How's your day? How's it going? A great thing for that is just noticing something happening like, oh, is it, they redid like, oh, is it always this crowded in here? Or what's your favorite sandwich on the menu? Or even if it makes you uncomfortable, that's part of your assignment because this retrains your social muscle without the stakes of now I have to go hit on somebody or now I have to go get someone's phone number. Everything is a muscle. Okay. So, so socialization and the practice of talking to people is a muscle. And I think that's what, that's what I've been going through is I've something that I always relied on as one of my greatest strengths, which was talking to people.

22:44Emily Morse: And I used to always say like I love nothing better than walking into a room where I don't know anyone and I know that that's not common but that's I've been that way since I was a kid it's like throw me into a room I don't know everyone that was like my favorite thing I go I love going to weddings alone and going to parties alone well the last four years after not having the reps that were like my my um my my strength and I took them away from myself by not seeing people I started developing this social anxiety. I started staying away from people and saying no to things. So we have to train these muscles.

23:19Emily Morse: It's going to be a lot easier for you to find someone when you're like, okay, I am now comfortable being socialized. I had to pick up and move myself where I could walk out my door and see people. And that's whatever that looks like for you. The win is becoming someone who is participating in the world again. It's not about, oh, I found six dates and took three numbers home with me tonight it's just about I'm someone in the world meeting new people that's how you do it you got to make yourself do it if it's once a day or three times a week I think we get into trouble when we're like every single day I got to do this thing you don't do anything every day if you haven't been leaving your house in a while then try it you know once a day oh my god this is one I haven't this is so common you guys I didn't even talk about the sex recession today but I'm sort of obsessed with the fact that no one's having a lot of people aren't having sex this question is I haven't wanted sex in months how do I know if it's my libido or my relationship okay well libido is not an on off switch it is a whole ecosystem it's your stress your hormones your sleep your medications are you moving your body are you eating foods that feel good do you have resentments in your relationship are you mad at your partner you know are you is it monotonous so then this is the big question.

24:37Emily Morse: So since libido isn't a yes or no thing, it's our on off say, do I feel alive anywhere? Do I feel desire anywhere? And then you could say, well, this is huge because it's the same energy, right? Creative energy, desire energy. You're like, well, I'm really excited about this new project at work. I'm really excited about this new class I'm taking, or I can't wait to get into my book at night when I get home. If you feel desire anywhere, that's a sign. That's just something to notice. And also, do you fantasize? Do you fantasize about other people? Do you fantasize about sex at all? Do you notice attractive people?

25:19Emily Morse: Do you want to masturbate? Do you feel turned on when you're away from your partner but not with your partner? Okay, so if desire is alive everywhere else in your life, except your relationship, that's some good information, right? You're like, oh no, I actually do feel aliveness, but with my partner, I don't. Great, good to know. That's good important information. But if you feel flat everywhere and you're like, no, I'm not excited about anything, then like broaden the lens beyond the relationship. and and I don't want you to think that this means I'm broken if you have low desire just get curious about it and think where can I start to spark my creativity my connectivity to my partner to others like where because our sex life our libido is going to be affected by the aliveness that we are experiencing in other parts of our life.

26:20Emily Morse: So again, what I've been saying here is find places to spark your eroticism that might not have anything to do with sex because they're all connected. Okay. So, um, that's how you're going to know if it's a little bit of your relationship. So I just want you to please get curious before you diagnose yourself. We always got to get curious everybody okay so the message from today is this stop assuming everything uncomfortable inside of you is an inside job sometimes you don't need to fix yourself with another supplement or another dating app or another conversation about why you're not having sex sometimes you need to change your environment force yourself out of your environment go see your friends meet somebody new Get curious.

27:09Emily Morse: Try something that scares you. Get uncomfortable. Just get back into the world. There is life out in the world, even if it's a scary time and a weird time. We need people. We need connection. We need each other. And maybe your better sex life doesn't start in the bedroom. Maybe it starts the second you walk out your front door. All right, that's it for today's episode. And remember, great sex isn't about knowing everything. It's about staying curious about everything. about your body and your pleasure and the person you're with. For more Sex with Emily, head to sexwithemily.com where you find everything, articles and resources and everything we're up to.

27:48And all my favorite personally curated wellness products

27:52Emily Morse: at shopsexwithemily.com. Join me live on the Best Sex Ever Tour. September 29th, we are in Nashville. Everything's at sexwithemily.com slash events. My email list is sexwithemily.com slash newsletter and everything's at sexwithemily. So thanks for listening and watching. You can watch us now on YouTube. I love that you're here and as always stay curious.

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