Why You Feel Disconnected During Sex

0:00Emily Morse: One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Fall never arrives all at once.

0:39First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

1:11Remember, think about when you go on a date with someone or you're going to know someone and you ask them about their favorite food or where they like to go on vacation or how do they watch sports, where do they shop. These are the kind of things. What are their favorite movies, music? We talk about everything, but with sex, we have to eke it out of somebody or guests. It's time to have conversations.

1:30Emily Morse: Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. it's at sex with emily on instagram tiktok youtube facebook for even more sex and relationship advice and more resources go to sex with emily.com sign up for my free weekly newsletter i hear i give a really good newsletter shop my curated sexual wellness products and pics at shop sex with emily.com and explore hundreds of articles download free guides and everything you need to have the best sex ever and one more thing i'm taking sex with emily on the road my new live show the best sex advert tour is coming to cities across the country.

2:21Emily Morse: It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q &A. And we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experiencing it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships. And we become very close by the end of the night. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. and thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. When it comes to sex, do you have a growth mindset? Well, whether you're a new parent or your sex drive has tanked or you're trying to break free from a mental pattern that's blocking your pleasure, we all experience sexual roadblocks.

3:03Emily Morse: But don't fear, you can have a sex reset. On today's Ask Emily show, I'm helping you identify the obstacles to your sexuality from trauma to a repressive upbringing to a disconnect with your partner. And one by one, I help you figure out solutions that open the door to self-exploration. All right, everyone, enjoy the show.

3:26Emily Morse: We've got Katie, 33, in New Jersey. Hey, Katie. So tell me what's going on. Absolutely. So I'll give you a little background. 33, divorced, two little kids under the age of 10. I feel like I just succumbed to the fact that sex was supposed to just be unenjoyable. I was with someone for 10 years, was never really able to achieve orgasm internally, always had to be like a manual external thing. And as I've now begun dating and seeing that there's so much more out there, I want more for myself. And I've come to this, you know, conclusion that every time I'm engaged with someone sexually, I'm like spectatoring.

4:05I'm like seeing it outside, looking in. I'm not present. I'm worried about if they're enjoying it, what it looks like. Will I orgasm? It's just I'm so distracted. And I just I'm like, what do I do now? Like I'm in my prime. This shouldn't be the way it is.

4:23Emily Morse: Yeah. Spectatoring is that process of just being in your head. You're like looking at the sex act outside of yourself. You're focusing on it from another perspective. What's happening and what could go wrong rather than being in your body and focus on your sensations. Your brain is the most powerful sex organ, right? So if your thoughts are, is it going to happen? And what am I doing? And you have all these fears. That is going to impact your ability to be present and to have the best sex that you deserve. So I love that you're on this journey right now. And it sounds like you didn't have that before.

5:00Emily Morse: And so the first thing is, do you ever do any masturbation or any self-pleasure on your own? is like understanding your own body and what feels good? It's like sad at my age. The only kind of masturbation that I've engaged in is like just quick, fast, clitoral. Like when I was young, I have two little kids. It's get it done. And I was talking to my girlfriends and they were like, Katie, like you don't, you don't do anything internally. Like you don't try and find your G-spot. And I'm like, no, I don't. And it's like a whole new thing for me where I'm like, oh my God, could this feel good? This is a practice.

5:34Emily Morse: The majority of women are like you, I would say. Haven't done the exploring. We still have sex the same way we did the first time we had sex. We still orgasm the same way. So just look at this as a period of exploration. And so I know you have two little kids, but if there's ever time that you could take a bath, close the door, focusing on mindfulness practice where you're slowing down your thoughts and you're trying to quiet those distracting thoughts and you're focusing on what am I feeling in the moment? So you move your hands over different body parts and you're like, what does my fingers feel like on my, on my elbow and what feels good to my touch.

6:07Emily Morse: And you slow everything down and you're going to still have the thoughts and you're going to still say you're going to be rushing, trying to get towards orgasm because that's our practice. But the minute you can try to just, even if it takes you dozens of times, go back to the moment. What am I feeling? Because I think this is the process of you learning your body right now. You're a 33 year old woman. So you You have your whole life ahead of you and you are so ahead of the game. I mean, I hear from women a lot older who haven't even thought about this stuff. So you've been busy. You're in a marriage that didn't serve you.

6:40Emily Morse: You've had two kids. And let's just say that today is the start of a new journey for you where you are starting to unpack and explore what feels good to you. So then when you're with a partner, you can start to explain those things and you can start to understand your body. that's how you get out of spectating but it is a practice I don't have a quick fix for you it could be stuff about how you feel about your body maybe you're worried you're not performing you're not having an orgasm maybe you're thinking about something that happened earlier in the day there's so many things that go into it you're right it's such a combo it's I'm just not here whether it's me thinking about the person that he was with before and how much better it probably was with them because they could orgasm or whether it's oh my god I didn't pack lunches for tomorrow or they had mom or it's just, it could be anything.

7:29And it's just, it's so intrusive.

7:31Emily Morse: So that's it. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world because no one else can tell me what I'm feeling. Only I know what it feels like to have this finger on my body right now, but we can't do it because we're so in our heads. Don't get me wrong. I stress. I worry. I think I'm not getting there fast enough. I do all the things that everyone else does. Okay. We all do it to varying degrees. You're never just, you don't have any of that. It gets a lot easier over time. So there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. It is. Yeah, you're not at all. Buy some toys that make you feel good practice.

8:02Emily Morse: You could get like a insertion vibe, the Nova, which is a great one by WeVibe. It's like a rabbit vibrator, but it has like a dual stimulation model to it. So you can practice internal stimulation, external, just because, you know, sex begets sex. And the more you get into your body and you start realizing what feels good to you, you'll have more pleasure. And then you'll be able to describe that to a partner as well. So we just got to get to know who you are right now without this past relationship, Katie, and just the landing at this body at 33 years old, what do you want? And you get to explore.

8:37Emily Morse: I love it. And honestly, you telling me like, this is your time for exploration. It takes the pressure off. It doesn't mean I'm wrong that I haven't figured it out yet. It's just, okay, now is the time because I'm aware now. So thank you. Yes. You're so you're ahead of it. So many women never even get there. You're way ahead of it. No, you're great. Today's the first day of the rest of your pleasurable life. Love it. Love it. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate you. Absolutely. Love you. Bye. Thanks, Katie. All right, guys, your brain is the largest sex organ and in mindfulness practice will be something that will serve you in every area of your life.

9:14You can learn how to diffuse anger to focus better.

9:17Emily Morse: You'll learn how to, most importantly, welcome more pleasure into your life. If your body's worrying about the past or the future, it cannot be focused in pleasure. And that's what I'm all about. I don't have a quick fix for any of this, but I can tell you what a really healthy mindfulness practice will do, and it will definitely help you have more pleasure. This is from Mark 24 in Kansas. this. Hey, Dr. Emily, my fiance and I have recently moved into a house together on our own about four months ago. We used to live with my parents together, so you could say our sex life was on the difficult side.

9:53Emily Morse: Well, now that we've moved out, our sex life is amazing, except she will not perform oral for me, and it's very frustrating considering I've told her that it makes me feel like she wants me when she doesn't. What can I do to get her to do it more? She also hardly lets me perform oral on her, and it's frustrating, and I don't know what to do. All right, Mark, have you talk to her outside the bedroom about what you're both into and that you love when she goes down on you and it really turns you on. It makes you feel great. And you want to know what turns her on and what part of oral sex isn't great for her.

10:26Get curious. Remember, we have to be curious. We can't be blaming and we can't say, why didn't you ever go down on me? And you can't say, I really want to go down on you. Why won't you let me? Second, we have those kinds of conversations with our partners, they're just going to, they're just going to clam up and put them on the defensive. So just saying, this is something that I really fantasize about. I'd love to turn you on. What turns you on? These are the conversations you're 24 years old and you just moved in together. So I think outside the bedroom, use my timing tone and turf, do it at the right time.

10:56Your tone is light and curious. Hey, now that we're living together, I'd love to find out how we can be the most sexiest, romantic, best lovers to each other. What does that look like for you? For months, we were in your parents' home, but now we get to be in our house together. And this is what I fantasize about, this kind of sex and going down on you. And what do you fantasize about? So it just sounds like you need to have some more open conversations about what feels good to her, what feels good to you. And it sounds like there hasn't been a time or space for that. And I see that you're frustrated because you said she won't perform, but I've told her.

11:27But remember, sometimes just telling our partners what we want we're not going to get it. And I don't think she's trying to hold back and be an asshole to you. Listen, this is why people don't give oral. They either are worried they're not doing a good job. They have some fear around it because they had a bad experience once or someone told them that it was not clean or not safe or something like that. So I would find out and say, listen, I love oral.

11:51Emily Morse: I love giving and receiving. But tell me more about like, how do you feel about oral? What's been your experience with it? What do you like about it? What don't you like about it. What are your favorite things about sex? Remember, think about when you go on a date with someone or you're going to know someone and you ask them about their favorite food or where they like to go on vacation or do they watch sports? Where do they shop? These are the kind of things or what are their favorite movies, music? We talk about everything, but with sex, we have to eke it out of somebody or guests. But I want to normalize this across the board.

12:19And I think that if you just moved in together and you're going to be together for a while, or at least you're going to try to make this work, it's time to have conversations. Hopefully you're going to find now that she also has a growth mindset around sex and she is like, oh, I was just waiting to talk about it. Or she might say, this is uncomfortable for me. And then you got to talk about it and go slow. But this is a conversation that's to keep happening. And if she's shutting down the sex conversation and the oral conversation, then we have some more information here to work with. But all of you, I want to make sure that you are with partners that are willing to talk about sex and have a growth mindset around sex.

12:54That is important. And if you're listening to this show, I guarantee you that's what you want. And if your partner's not there right now, you can try to get him there. Try to get him on board. Listen to this show together. I know that helps a lot of couples. But if they say, no, I'll never talk about sex. I'm not interested in sex. And I'll never go down on you. Then you have enough information, I think, to make a decision that works for you. All right. Thanks, Mark.

13:18Emily Morse: This is from Monica. Hey, Dr. Emily. Thanks for taking the time to read my email. I'm writing you from a desperate place. I am lost with what to do. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for 10. We love each other very much, but are unhappy. My husband's unhappy with many areas of his life, mainly his job, and he brings those stresses home. I'm a stay-at-home mom of our two beautiful boys, three years old and now one-year-old. As much as I adore them, I've been quite anxious and quite honestly depressed staying at home. I've lost myself. All this being said, my sex drive is lacking, and quite the contrary, my husband's not husband's escape from his stress is sex.

13:57Emily Morse: Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex a lot when I'm in the mood. It's wonderful. I love giving him oral and he also wants to satisfy me by going down on me. But the problem is I don't enjoy it. I can't even physically or mentally relax. He gets frustrated. Last night he said, I'm tired of this. I understood that he wants to do everything in the bedroom and that he feels that I'm being selfish for not letting him do what he likes, but he doesn't understand I don't like it. I've tried receiving oral and every time I tense so bad, I almost choke him with my legs. I appreciate any advice you have. Thanks so much for everything you do.

14:31Emily Morse: You're amazing. All right. Listen here, Monica, you've two small boys at home. A lot of us have been inside the same four walls with our partners the last year and a half, even more so. It's been a challenge. It's been a challenge for everyone, but you're also a new mom and libidos and new moms are not always what they once were. It will come back. But let me just tell you here that that's okay. And I feel like it would be a great time for you to have a conversation with your husband about the reality of what you're feeling right now outside the bedroom, have this conversation. And if you're not interested in him going down on you, what does turn you on?

15:11What does arouse you? What feels good to you? It could have been before kids, but can you think about a time

15:16Emily Morse: where you really got in the mood? What was happening? Did you guys get dinner? Did you get a babysitter? Do you guys ever get anyone to watch the kids right now? Have you been prioritizing your pleasure? Have you been prioritizing date night? Have you guys had time away? Have you had time to not feel like a mom and time to feel like yourself again? Are you doing any of the things that make you feel embodied in your body? Are you taking time for yourself and understanding your own sexuality? It sounds like this has become very transactional in a way. Like you're going down on him and then he's trying to go down on you and you're both really frustrated.

15:50Emily Morse: And I think that there's a reset that has to happen after you have kids. And a lot of us need this. If things are the same and you keep trying to have the same kind of sex over and over again, it's just not going to feel as satisfying really to anybody. So having a ground zero conversation and saying, all right, let's just maybe even take sex off the table. Let's do some discovery. Let's check out, let's listen to Emily's podcast together and see, you know, where we can rebuild again. And you both like the foreplay part of it. It sounds like you both want to please each other, but it's not happening in the right ways or in the right order of events.

16:23Emily Morse: And you said that you've been anxious and depressed. And I wonder if it's because you also have a young child at home. You have a one-year-old and a three-year-old. So you've been really busy the last few years. Have you gotten your hormones checked? A lot of the anxiety and depression from new moms comes from the fact that you're told that you should bounce back after six weeks and you should be wanting to have sex again right away. And that is not true for the majority of women, but yet a lot of doctors tell them that. So a lot of women I've talked to postpartum are like, oh God, like I was not in the mood for a while.

16:53Emily Morse: And then I kept trying to overcompensate and then I'm just exhausted. But also you're just exhausted because you have two kids at home and you probably, it doesn't sound like you've a lot of help maybe, or you get to, you know, take care of yourself. And I think that new moms forget to do that all the time. And sex just becomes the problem in the relationship. I would love to invite couples every few years in your relationship. How do we like look at our sex life and what can we do better, different? What do we both need now? Because it does change over time and you've been together for 10 years and now you're new parents together.

17:24Emily Morse: So I would say, I would love you not to beat yourself up, to prioritize your own mental health, if you really are feeling depressed and anxious, I would love you to see a therapist and get some help for that. Because when we are not mentally well, it's really hard to show up healthy in every other area of our life. It just is really impossible when our brain's telling us to shut down and feel bad about ourselves. So I invite you to prioritize first your mental health, then you can think about your pleasure and think about healthy ways of communicating with your partner. But let's start with you first.

17:54Emily Morse: All right. Thanks for your email. Let me know how goes, Monica. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, I'm talking to George, who's having a hard time reaching orgasm when he has penetrative sex.

18:12Emily Morse: Let's talk to George, 25 in Tennessee. Hey, George, tell me what's going on. Yeah. So it's a loaded question. I'm not going to lie. At first, I was going to talk specifically about, I think, what are the symptoms of my issues, which can sometimes be ED. It can sometimes just not really feeling a sensation. It can sometimes be an hour of sex, but no orgasm. But I think going all the way back to the first time I've had sex, I've always felt the pressures of it. And I grew up in a house of women and always wanted to be the person that was respectful to women. I was not into hookup culture. And so I think when it came to sex, I was very passive.

18:56I was never in a household that was not sex positive, but I applied some self-shame, I think, to the point now where sex kind of occupies this space of my mind of something that feels unnatural, something that isn't for me. So I can probably count on one hand how many positive sexual experiences I've had. I'm in a long-term relationship. I'm also in a long-distance relationship where I'm trying to take the time that we're apart to work on myself so that when we're together, I can be more improved and have processed some of the insecurities that I may have. And just wondered what your thoughts were for somebody with that type of history on how they can change their sex life for the better.

19:40Emily Morse: Thank you for sharing all of that. So I'm trying to understand your sexual history. in most your relationships did you have some kind of like you said it was ed or delayed ejaculate or you wouldn't ejaculate oh yeah i'll provide more context there when i was 15 i lost my virginity and i did not have an orgasm and then i didn't have sex for a year after that in hindsight it was clear that i was doing it to get it over with and then i i think i had an orgasm one time out of the many times that me and my partner had sex. Flash forward six years of not having sex. That's when I started to get into my head and really starting to reflect that I don't feel desirable.

20:23I don't necessarily feel that sex is for me. My experiences have shown me that. And so it was a part of my life that I ignored. And I listened to your episode around why can't I orgasm? And I feel like I learned a lot from that, of like that six year period. was that the time that I rewired my body of this is how you like experience pleasure and now if I have sex with someone or if I put a condom on my dick is like what what is going on yeah like in those six years were you masturbating were you using your hand were you watching porn I masturbated with my hand and it's probably once every two weeks honestly okay and it was more of a means to an end, not necessarily enjoying myself.

21:08Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find Fall Your Way at Ross.

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22:30Or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. There's a lot going on around sexuality and feeling that it's okay to be sexual. Maybe there's some shame around being a man even. After having these messages from childhood and it might feel like it's not safe to really be yourself and to let go. Maybe you have fear around what could happen. and so you've just created this whole world inside of you where it's not safe there's shame and as a result of that it just has built upon each other to become this whole thing that's and to the point where I can't be in the moment and I'm just in my head thinking now it's am I going to be hard like literally if I even if I'm by myself and I get like somewhat of an erection I'm like can I hold it like so your brain so like you say it all the time like your brain is your most powerful sex organ, right?

23:26So I'm like practicing mindfulness and trying to get grounded. But at the same time, I think that there's more than that, that I have to unpack. Some mindful masturbation could be really great for you where you're really practicing. You're not using porn. You're not using anything. You're just lying back and you're experiencing with your hand. You're really like thinking about touching your body and what feels good to you. Slow, it's breathing. It's bringing your mind back when it's wandering, like you're going to get hard, you're not going to get hard. You just go back to your breath and back to the moment.

23:57Like that is the practice. And maybe 20 times in 20 minutes, your mind might wander. But to me, you're very clear and articulate. You're passionate about the emotional side of this and your relationship with your partner and you're passionate about your own challenges. So I feel like it is mindfulness. It might be some therapy to unpack some of these early messages, but how honest are you with your girlfriend about these things? Probably too honest. Okay, good. No, I love that.

24:29Emily Morse: I love that. I love that. Yeah, no, we communicate a lot about it and I'm extremely honest. I think you've given me tools to have different types of conversations at this point, which has been extremely helpful. Like talking about sex like this, I wouldn't have done this three months ago. So I think that in and of itself shows some sort of progress. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it feels like you've been doing this your whole life. But what I think that really, you are a natural, you know, also a great tool for a lot of people who are stuck in their heads is focusing on your partner's pleasure and taking the focus off your own.

25:05I know that you said you're not together right now, but I found some men who have ED have found such a young man. Giving them pleasure. Giving them pleasure and just taking the pressure off yourself. Like in a way, when we get stuck in our heads, it's a very self-absorbed, we all do it, but way of being, once we give, that's why they always say giving is better than receiving and help others. You really can't be worrying about yourself, but that would be a practice too of just making sure you're showing up for them. And then you might, what I've noticed with a lot of men I talk to, they're like, oh, look, there he is, there's my erection.

25:37It came back because you're not obsessing about it. And that's mindfulness because in that moment, you are focused on your partner's pleasure. You're literally not thinking about anything else. And you've listened to my mindfulness practice of thinking about the environment. If you were doing mindful masturbation, you take my hand is on my penis. I'm hearing my playlist. I always listen to my breath and you anchor yourself in the senses. But when you're pleasuring someone else and you're really present, your mind is free and you're focused on the moment, really. That's what mindfulness is. I mean, maybe getting a practice around it, if you could take a class

26:10Emily Morse: or join others, that makes mindfulness practice a lot more powerful, but it really is. It's like exercise. It's like working out. I have to do it every day. I really like that idea. Another nugget from one of your episodes. I want to do a day where all we do is focus on you, right? And then part of it too is I am a pleaser to my core. And I think that comes all the way back to me, not necessarily knowing what to do. And so I've always been like, I want to make sure that you have a good experience. So I think the idea of giving, having a time where giving her and focusing on her pleasure, but then also a time for me to just like, don't worry about a thing, just explore, like have my partner explore my body and have that experience as well.

26:55Right. Exactly. Flip it. You deserve it as well. And people pleasing is oftentimes a response to an environment where we were using it as a mechanism to make peace, to not get in his way. And so you might want to look, I'm a people pleaser in progress working on that, but I'm saying, I get it. Looking at all of those things, like you can give to them, but making sure I love what you said, that then it comes back to you. And maybe you need that. Maybe in the moment when there's too much going on with sex, you take that off the table. You're like, we're going to have a night with you. And then a night with me.

27:26These all sound like really great tools that you could really put into practice. Yeah. Thank you so much. Honestly, it's good. It's good just to talk about it out loud. And that's a practice I'm trying to do, let alone with somebody like yourself, who's already helped me. I'm so glad it's been helpful, really. And it's really nice to talk to you. And I'm so glad that this is working. And this is just another step along the journey. I'm glad you're taking it. You're really taking it seriously and calling in and let me know how it goes. Sounds good. Okay. Great to meet you. Bye. People pleasing.

27:59Let's talk about that for a minute. This is from the holistic psychologist. If you follow her on Instagram, people pleasing is unconscious manipulation, she says. So it's a very common trauma response, especially in women. We have a need. We want to be met. We want to be liked. We want to feel needed. We want to appear easy. You know, we don't want conflict. We want to keep someone happy in our lives. And so since we're not advocating for ourself and asking for our own needs, that leads to resentment. And if we're not being appreciated by someone else, we get resentful because we're not being appreciated or we feel like we're being taken for granted.

28:36It's not a trait that really actually serves us, if you think about it. If you know that you're a people pleaser, you probably know that there's something you want to do about it to fix it. The first step is getting clear on your needs, getting very specific on your needs and then asking for what you want without apologizing, without making excuses and being okay if someone gets mad. So it's all about being conflict avoidable. When you're avoiding conflicts and you're a people pleaser, can you see that loop there where you're never really advocating for yourself, but then you get upset that you're not getting your needs met?

29:11And then we start relying on other people to take care of us, but then this is where resentment comes in. and then we start to lose our own sense of what we actually need, we stop trusting ourselves and our own inner wisdom when we're constantly outsourcing our needs to others. This is from Kareen, 32 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, I met this guy through an online dating. We hit off immediately by taking his throw through chat, and it never progressed to sexting. But we've been hanging out now for eight weeks,

29:43Emily Morse: and things are still moving slow. We've discussed some desires and interests like shabari, which is rope tying and stuff. And so I think we could have some great chemistry in the bedroom. However, after all this time, we've only hugged four times. I did try to address this with him through text by explaining I'm sexually submissive and passive. I enjoy a partner who's dominant and assertive. And I texted him explaining that I'm consenting of whatever happens next, but we still haven't kissed. My friends tell me just to jump his bones, but the thought terrifies me, having a hard time wrapping my head around trying to be more sexually assertive.

30:22I've even considered breaking up with him, even though I really like him.

30:25Emily Morse: But since we haven't kissed yet, I'm not sure there's even a romantic spark. Should I cast aside my preferences of a sexually assertive partner and just jump his bones or move on to someone who's more willing to give me what I want? All right, Kareem, this is interesting. You've let him know what you want, and it's been eight weeks of hanging out, and nothing's happened. So I think rather than just leaving and getting frustrated, this is what you got to do. Next time you're hanging out, say, I've just been fantasizing about kissing you. I've been fantasizing about what it feels like about your hands on my body.

30:56To me, that's an excellent on-ramp. You are passing him the baton. You're saying, this is what I'm thinking. And at that point, let's see what happens. If he doesn't do anything and he just stares at you,

31:08Emily Morse: you could say, have you thought about that? and just see what happens. Listen, maybe he's terrified. Maybe he'll say, oh, wow, I didn't know that you really wanted it. You know, who knows what goes through people's heads? But that is giving him an entree in the moment, not just through texting. Maybe he's terrified too. Maybe he likes you so much and he freaks out and he goes home at night. He's like, I can't believe I didn't try to kiss her again. Put it out there when you're together. Then you're taking the risk and you're giving him the opportunity to make the move. So you had nothing else to lose there.

31:38It's been two months. Go for it, Karine.

31:40Emily Morse: you got this. We have Sadie, 32 in Boston. Hi, Sadie. How can I help you? An experience that I had recently in kind of a casual sex hookup situation with this guy that I met that I was just really attracted to. I've been trying to learn like what my kinks are and like what I'm into. And all of that is new language for me because I grew up in the evangelical church and for 10 years of my life had decided not to have sex and was, you know, looking for the one and had a very romantic concept of intimacy and relationships, which I've done a lot of work on looking at what that came from and where some fears were coming in.

32:23Anyway, so in recent years, I've been more open to not just casual sex, but just trying to understand who I am sexually and what I'm into and just trying to educate myself and my own desires. I have the fantasy, right, in my mind that really turns me on when I think about it of like being dominated and playing as a sub and like exploring that. And then in the actual experience, I got totally triggered. I froze. It was so bad. And I struggle to know how to communicate in those moments when that's happening to me and how to establish safety and parameters in casual situations. I just instinctively feel like I don't, how can I establish?

33:08I'd have to tell you my story. First off, you're doing a lot of hard work on yourself. You grew up in an evangelical church. You thought you were finding the one switching to now I'm going to meet people and just be dominant and have casual sex. I think there's a little in-between area where you got to send yourself a little love and say, okay, I'm going to slow this down because it's really hard to, Even a situation like that where this is just fantasies, no emotions, it's going to be casual, that's really hard to do because you have to be able to let go and feel safe. If you've never met the person or you've only met them online or you had a quick connection, it's hard to get all those pieces together.

33:42So I think maybe there's a meeting up for a drink first or coffee or just another step, but it doesn't mean that they're your forever person either. And maybe there's a little bit of you just experimenting meeting people, Like having a dinner, having a lunch or a FaceTime chat or a Zoom chat where you're talking these things through. Because it's kind of like the pendulum is, you're like, I'm going to overcorrect it, which is a very common thing that we do. We're like, I don't want to do it the way the church said, so I'm going to do it this way. Yeah, there's probably some truth to that. in this situation, I did find myself going, okay, I probably need to explain to this person that I just got triggered or like something, but I just didn't, I didn't say anything.

34:28I it's like, I was almost embarrassed that I wasn't this person I was playing that I was. I wanted to be that like sex goddess, empowered person who just rolled in and was like, yeah, but that's a journey. Yeah. But what part of that woman, who is that woman who rolls in? Why is that attractive to you? The strength and the confidence, as I imagine it, ironically, is a person who's very comfortable communicating boundaries, desires, all of that. And whereas so often I feel really shut down or really afraid to say the thing or to say, actually, no, that's painful. Or I didn't like that. Have you been in relationships in the last four years?

35:20So a lot of like short term. So really like my longest relationship was like 11 months and it was in college. Okay. So your whole life, you grew up in this church and then you decide I'm not going to do it. But you have all these years of hearing this conditioning or not even having the practice of getting to be feeling like it's wrong. It'd be so nice if we could just flip a switch and now we know how to be sexual. But I think that there's just a little bit of practice and patience. I think you're going to get wherever you want to go because first off, just saying no and being able to walk away from something that is such a big part of how you grew up and your family and maybe your neighbors and your community is there, that's a real act of empowerment and strength right there.

36:08And then I think having the rest of your life catch up to that, it's just going to be a practice. But also have you had any therapy around this, around leaving the church and? A little bit. Okay. I'd still say that there's more work. I think even this recent experience, okay, like I, I need to be seen. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So Colin, who's my producer on the show, he's messaging here and he actually grew up in the Mormon church and saying that EMDR did wonders for him. That's the therapy I talk about a lot on this show is EMDR. Okay. It's eye movement desensitization. It's helped me with trauma I had and it helps you kind of rewire your brain around certain things that you, where you get charged.

36:52And so finding a therapist, I know it sounds hokey, but it works and it's a very like proven therapy. And I think it's emdria.org, E-M-D-R-I-A.org. Because in a sense, it's probably is a little bit of traumatic to be like told one thing, believing one thing and then leaving and leaving your community and your family. And it's just, it's just on this is like solely in my hands and I'm working against a lot of really deeply held and personally deeply held. I was never uncomfortable around sexuality. I'd had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17, 18, and we had an amazing relationship. And I didn't ever feel any kind of shame or guilt about that.

37:37I wasn't, at least consciously, I wasn't beating myself up over that. And I remember many years talking to friends who were having mad anxiety about having sex with their boyfriends. And I was like, I'd much rather you be having sex with your boyfriend and being healthy than being this kind of anxious and depressed, thinking that you're something wrong. So I've always sensed that there was something off, but I think allowed myself to really personally explore. But I think, especially when I first started, it felt like there was like an abyss beneath my feet, kind of floating. It was like my worldview and everything that I was told that life and the world, and these are the things that work out and this is what you need to do.

38:19and to kind of, oh, that was a lie. That is so tough. And how are you with your own experience, like orgasm and touch and masturbation? Is that stuff that you've - Yeah, that's all so good for me. Good, good, good, good. I used to have a lot of shame about masturbation. I think I actually didn't have a fantasy life at all because I just had not let myself go there. And so I think that is why I'm like, oh, cool, let's like see what I'm into. I think, yeah, maybe taking it. Maybe that person walked in and they did something that you were like, I was really excited for this. But the way they looked or they did something, sometimes that happens to me, too.

38:58I'm all excited to see my partner. I'm like, oh, that was annoying. And then you get out of the mood, right? It wasn't just you. Maybe, yes, you got weird about something. But there could be so many things that it could have gone wrong in that moment that you just changed your mind or it was fear. We just don't know. So I feel like you're doing all the right things. So keep a journal about it. And I think, again, no matter what, even if it's casual, having someone that you feel safe with, that you can settle into the roles of this is what we're going to play with and this is what we're going to do is helpful.

39:25So maybe this person just wasn't it either. So my advice is to keep just doing your work and communicating and even calling in right now. This is so honest and open and just the fact that talking about it is helpful, I think. Yeah. I was nervous. You did great. Yeah. But yeah, this is really cool. I was like, oh, OK, yeah, we'll talk about it. Well, I'm here. I hope this is helpful because I know this is going to help a lot of people too. Thank you for calling in. I really appreciate that. All right. Of course. Keep going. Thank you. Bye. You guys, I'm a huge fan of therapy for all situations and especially ones like this where you upended your entire life and chose a different path and realizing that we are lovable, realizing that we are enough and finding like-minded people and community to help us do the work along the way.

40:16Because believe me, if you believe in yourself and that this is what you want and you're on the path, no one can knock you off that. This is from Shania. She's 19 in the UK. Hey, Dr. Emily, I found you on Instagram a couple months ago and I love your posts. I've been sexually active for three years, but I still get really shy and nervous about taking control in the bedroom? What tips do you have for me? First, let me normalize this. Everyone gets nervous about taking control in the bedroom, especially if we never had to do it before. Everything that's new to us, whether it's in the bedroom or in the boardroom or in the classroom, it's going to make us nervous to take control of any situation.

40:58You've only been sexually active for three years. How would you even know how to take control? So I would say first, how do you feel sexually in the bedroom besides taking control? Do you, are you able to be with somebody and ask for your needs to get met? Do you know what pleasure feels like in your body? How comfortable are you advocating for yourself in the bedroom? And are you with partners that you feel safe with and that you trust? Because if it's like a one night stand or someone you just met, that might be uncomfortable as well. But I have to say there's something to be said for that. If you're not in a relationship now, if you are just experimenting with different partners, honestly, just take control and see what happens because it's the kind of thing like I could tell you all day here how to do it.

41:40Okay. I'm going to tell everyone how to take control in the bedroom. You go in there and you're like, what do I want to do in this moment? You're going to be in your body. You're going to think about what I want, what would feel good. And you're going to stop your negative thoughts or saying, don't do that. That's awkward. If I start to grab this person and pull them on top of me or climb on top of them, that's going to be weird. You don't even think about that. You just Do what you want to do in the moment and see how that feels. And what helps with that is having a practice of meditation and figuring out how to stop those negative thoughts or telling you not to do things.

42:11I mean, the only way you get confident is by actually feeling really uncomfortable, is by taking risks and failing and feeling really awkward and weird and maybe feeling like you did something wrong in the bedroom. And like all these things are what's going to help you. And I could walk you through it. but just, I would say, either risk it with somebody that you don't know, or you do know, or whoever you're sleeping with, and see how it feels to take control. But what does it look like for you? Because taking control also could just mean you're like, hey, dude, it's time for my orgasm. I need you to please me right now.

42:43Or maybe you're thinking about taking control. You're the one who's directing the script in the bedroom. You're like, okay, now I'm going to get on top of you and ride you for an hour while I have my orgasm. It's about you following in the moment what you want, what you need, what's sexy and hot for you, while still making sure you're with a consenting partner, but really not worrying so much about what they think as long as they're down and turned on and you're not taking advantage of them. So you're going to get confident. You're going to get comfortable with it by experience and honestly being with partners that you feel

43:16Emily Morse: good about, that you trust, and that make you feel like the best version of yourself so you can have fun together and play together. And maybe one time you take initiative and the next time they take initiative and then you talk about it. Say, what about last night? What did you like about that? What felt good? How were you with me taking control? You were taking control? Yeah, that time I crawled on top of you and I put my legs in the position that felt good to me. That felt like control. Take risks, everyone. Take calculating risks, meaning don't be reckless. Don't just go off and get wasted and go have sex with someone.

43:47You're going to learn a thing by taking risks in the bedroom and doing you before you do someone else.

43:56Emily Morse: Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sexwithemily.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms. As I head into my 21st year, you can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events. And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening. Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other.

44:35A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.