Stokes Dominates Bumrah, Root’s Legacy Grows & Andy Zaltzman Joins | Stick to Cricket EP 6

0:00Sir Alastair Cook: Before we get started, I'd like to thank our partners, Betfair. Hit subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Enjoy the show. Home is for relaxing, whether you're hosting friends for dinner or enjoying a quiet afternoon by yourself with a tasty treat. But it's hard to relax when a couple of flying insects always seem to show up uninvited. Then those one or two fruit flies suddenly become hundreds, and that can make it even harder to relax. Next thing you know, you're spending time swatting them away. Thankfully, the Zeevo Flying Insect Trap takes care of flying insects for you. Just plug it in and it gets to work 24-7.

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1:54Sir Alastair Cook: here we go zoltz this is it right this is the pitch we'll have to make a starty for a man down yeah we'll be here we'll be here the night morning morning morning morning you're at that end zoltz right there you go there oh rosie where's gearer what you after a cappuccino where there's uh so what have you come out what have you come travel day today mike my brother i'm tracking I'm in my romper suit. I'm in my onesie. It's a long day travelling today. In the back of the car. Back with Rog. In the back with Rog, yeah. So I thought, comfy rules, so... You know, I'm a bit... All right, calm down. Calm down, calm down.

2:38Sir Alastair Cook: What are you going to sell us? You're saying I look a little bit suspect, mate. I'm just saying you look like you're going to sell a ticket. Doubtful. So, see how you doing, mate? Good. Good.

2:53Phil Tufnell: What's the best Oasis song? Roll with it.

3:00Sir Alastair Cook: I like little by little. Little by little. I'm going on Wednesday night. Rock and roll singer. Rock and roll star. Rock and roll star. Wednesday night Wembley on there. I went Saturday. Did you? Good, were they? Jumping. Were you jumping up? Did you have a bucket hat? Of course I did. I wore it today, actually. What you got the Oasis one I got the right yellow one no no the black one with this yeah I'd say what they've done all right with that deal and they're with Adidas They're sponsored by is it all the all the merch range is is Adidas mmm Oh, I results good. Oh good. We're good journey up nice Slow I liked it on the Phil Saturday at lunch when they lost those two wickets and it was dusted It was done train time.

3:49Sir Alastair Cook: You were looking at your train time. Saturday night, you're going, I'll be in the garden with Dorney on Sunday. Glass of rosé. One o 'clock start. Watch the Lionesses at five. I know. Still there at seven o 'clock Sunday night. Oh, my God. I'm exhausted. I mean, God knows what the... Listen, all we was doing was sitting in the box. I wouldn't be chatting about it. I mean, God knows what the players would be like. What is it? Thursday, it starts at the over. They'll be absolutely shattered.

4:16Phil Tufnell: Tired. Who's going to play? Atkinson? Yeah, got him. I think Atkinson and Tung will both come in, don't you think? Instead of Walks? Walksy. And Kars. Arch is going to struggle, isn't he?

4:27Sir Alastair Cook: Arch is not going to struggle. Here you go, then. Here you go. Could have a new brand new attack. Overton's in the squad as well. Yeah.

4:33Phil Tufnell: Oh, God, you have to put him in.

4:35Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, because the boys are going to be tired, mate, as you say. I was sitting in that car home and I was like, oh, God. Here he is. Let her look. Here he is, Sheffield. Sorry, it's like toilet break. There he is. Well, that's all right, mate. What number two's? Number two's. I told you she turned up. I had one of those robots sitting in my garden last week. How many square metres? I think it's 126. Right. Eight till eight he works, Ronnie. Ronnie the robot. It's a big day. It's a big day. Do you tip him? Once a day he goes out. I've seen that. And he's doing checks. I can choose the design. Where does all the clippings go?

5:12Sir Alastair Cook: Straight into the grass. Yeah, mulch. Mulch back in. He'll know as a farmer. The best way to feed grass is grass, isn't it? It's really short, doesn't it? If you put too much in, it kills it. You get an app, you can... It kills it. Oh. Decide when he goes out, when he comes back in. Ronnie the robot. Yep.

5:28Phil Tufnell: How many tractors have you got?

5:31Sir Alastair Cook: Have I got? Yeah. No, there's quite a few on the family farm, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's a few... What sort? Class, mainly classes. Big ones. I don't know the numbers. Real big, real big. Yeah, I don't know the numbers. Have you got a combine harvester? Yeah, the farmers, yeah. Yeah. Bloody words. They're massive, them, aren't they? It's about a million quid, isn't it, from buying an arbester? Is it? I think you can buy some massive ones. Yeah. Do you ride? No, I can't drive them. Do you need a license for that? I shouldn't imagine. You have to qualify to do it. I've got a tractor. Learn how to do it, but...

6:05Phil Tufnell: I've got a tractor. Which one?

6:06Sir Alastair Cook: Massey Ferguson. Little grey Fergie. Mind you.

6:09Phil Tufnell: No, mine's a Chinese tractor. A cheapo. A cheirama. No. Bought it as a kit Bought it all as a kit And the company in Preston puts it all together It's only compact

6:22Sir Alastair Cook: Why do you need a tractor?

6:25Phil Tufnell: I've got my flail mower on the back

6:27Sir Alastair Cook: I thought you had a robot I thought you had an allotment

6:29Phil Tufnell: I'd give a robot to cut six acres

6:31Sir Alastair Cook: You've got a few fields have you? Crikey Chef, how's your cricket gone? Last week, did you get a game? Yeah, how'd it go? I got selected again. That's the good news. That's the good news. He's in. Unfortunately, you know what happened. After what happened last week, I assume I'm going to get the same treatment again this week. Well, I don't know. I think we've got a bigger screen to be able to see it this week. Dieran, where are you? You know. Have you got it? Your grin on your face. Do you know what? When I got out, as we know, first ball, there was two things I was worried about. Firstly, my kids came to watch me.

7:08Oh, no.

7:09Sir Alastair Cook: So this is all positive. Number one, you've played. Number two, the family got there on time. They're all there on time. This is good.

7:17Yes, and what happens now, the first thing I thought about was, oh, no, the kids think I'm rubbish. The second thing I'm talking about is a stick. Well, you were chasing 165,

7:30Sir Alastair Cook: so you've restricted them to 165. West Indies, 165. Steady start. After a good start, that's what you want. I've heard that the middle stump's gone on strike. He said he don't want to come out well. I think that's two out of three two out of three knocks Well, this is what happened there you go

7:53Sir Alastair Cook: Fidel still good bowler still a good bowler Oh, it's middle pole out the ground what's middle pole out the ground? What's it what's that? What's he giving you? Probably say did you see it? I was like no It's an inside edge though. Phil, what should he have done? Get your back. I'll tell you what it should end up. He looks to me like he's hitting it to mid off and the ball's come back. He's trying to get through extra cover. I'll go straight. So, Belly and I were open for the first time together. And I always say... Let me have a little look. Let me just do a quick look. Don't keep looking at it.

8:29I said, he was like, I always said to him one or two. And he said, I'll take two. I was like, I like Fidel. As in, like, I faced him a lot.

8:36Phil Tufnell: Coming in to you. Coming into me, I thought, yeah, that's like... I don't like it going across me. Look at these two.

8:45Sir Alastair Cook: I thought you should have batted him. I'll tell you what, Sir Alistair, you should have done. Yeah, come on then. This is a masterclass. As you said, now how many times... I mean, you've got a fantastic record against Fidel Edwards for a start-off, haven't you? You've done pretty well against him. Actually, yeah, I think my... Zolz? Oh, hang on. Look at this. We have a proper guess this week. Where has he got that from? Look at this, a proper guess with a lappo. I do think, actually, I've got an OK record against the Bell Edwards. OK, then. Well, you get that up, Zolks, and I'll tell you, Sir Alistair, what you should have done.

9:14Sir Alastair Cook: Having played him, we know that the ball's going to be swinging back into you, and I just think you've shaped up to play that a little bit to the right hand of mid-off, when you should have waited, waited, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for it to swing and then knock it to mid-off. It's that easy, isn't it? Come on. You'd have thought you'd have understood this by now. I mean, that's... I mean, you're right. You're actually right. I've got to wait for it to come. I mean, listen, if it then goes away from you, you're still in a good position, you're cutting out his best ball, which is, wait, wait, wait, all knocked through middle.

9:51Sir Alastair Cook: Wait, yes. What are you wearing, by the way? I've got me the camouflage. Look at that outfit. I've got me, bro. I've got socks. What socks have you got? It's a very famous... They're mermaids. It's a very famous painting by, not Leonardo da Vinci. Botticelli, was it? No, it's Botticelli. Correct, it's Botticelli. It's Botticelli. Botticelli, the lady in the... He's a good bottle of red, though, isn't it?

10:19Phil Tufnell: He played for Middlesbrough. What was he called?

10:24Sir Alastair Cook: Ravanelli. Ravanelli with a silver fox. That's it. Do you know what Botticelli means? You're wanting a password, aren't you? No, I don't, though. Have we got the little barrel? Hmm yeah, one show ever got the Wi-Fi. Are you sure can you just Google that? I just believe he means Little billet that's the password Botticelli means the little barrel we get in Barrett you're who showed you we get we get in echo crowd in today. Yeah

10:56Would that be a fair assumption of very fair assumption and I've also it's a great You know when you watch cricket now, and you've been out of the game quite a lot longer than I have, but still, you always think when you played it was brilliant and you were brilliant players. And now I played in this, and the game has changed. We know it's changed, but when you actually see it there, we played against the West Indies in that game, and Pollard came out to back, Garren Pollard. He is huge, like huge. Standing there, I was mid-off, and he was just clothing sixes. Like, you know like you can hear the sound of a bat, can't you?

11:33You can hear, you can hear when it middles it. He was just miss hitting sixes and like the power of them whacking it through the covers. So different to what we played. Do you remember Tim Ambrose? Yeah, yeah. Brilliant little keeper. Yeah, singer. He was, played the guitar. I mean he is. Yes. He said the game's in cheat mode. It's so different to what, like if he hit a six. Did you win the game?

11:57Sir Alastair Cook: Did the England side get over the line, chase 165? No, we were 0-2 because Moeen came in as well next ball. We were 0-2 balls. I don't tell him his middle stick went out of the ground as well. He had a slight... He has caught me off, so it's slightly that way. Well, at least Mo's still playing. At least you've got the excuse that you've hung him up for a couple of years. The game is like... It is so different. Like, power...

12:17Phil Tufnell: Does he play Garant Jones? The fireman? He's a fireman, isn't he? Is he? I think he's a teacher now. He went in the fire service.

12:25Sir Alastair Cook: I don't think he's...

12:25Phil Tufnell: He was your wicketkeeper. Yeah, keep. but he turned up as a fireman didn't he he went into when he played cricket no he was in going in the fire service when he finished he's got sheep has he yeah he has of course that's Cook v Edwards in tests 181 runs for two that's pretty tidy yeah nice but he's you know vengeance is a dish best served and also like the last more than 15 years later and you're only as good as your last game so forever he'll I doubt I'll ever play against him again But if I do, all I'll think is a man in a green tracksuit telling me to let it come hit him.

13:03Sir Alastair Cook: Before we get on to the show, we've got a great guest in Zolz this week. This series, and is it to do with technology, there's so many no balls. Why? Bowlers, is it because you can't miss a no ball anymore, can you? Was it you telling me about the game where David Shepard was umpiring? Yes, I claim most of all the players in the last session. And he kept bowling their balls and you were seeing them. And maybe, you know, as an umpire, it's almost impossible to look down all the time.

13:32Phil Tufnell: No, if his front foot lands and his body... Screws back. No, his body is masking that front foot, you've got to then look where his back foot lands and if his back foot goes forward, just call it. What? So you're guessing? Yeah, sort of. But... So Dickie Bird and Barry Mayer, do you remember? Yeah. So don't worry too much at this end, that's the business end. But there were no DRS and nobody said, ah, look, he's missed one. Yeah, you miss a few. You miss them. You miss them.

14:05Sir Alastair Cook: Also, I'm sorry, also, sorry to interrupt, you're very good boys, the umpires. When you're getting closer, they give you a little, right, let's come back a little bit. Would you have come back? I mean, I can't understand why anyone bowls no balls, but like... A spinner should not... Gideja, I've got it here, Gideja in the series. He's bowl six no balls. Well, that's ridiculous. Brian Carsten. Brian Carsten. Get my no-ball. Wait, wait, wait. Don't we, sorry. We might be coming to that. Oh, well. We might just come out. But the spinners shouldn't ball a no-y.

14:33Phil Tufnell: No, they won't. Spinners don't ball no-ball. I didn't ball many. No. No. Just a little... Beefy said he never balled a no-ball. Never, ever. I didn't ball no-balls. That's the end.

14:43Sir Alastair Cook: Well, interestingly there, Dave, that Ian Botham in his test career bowled 21 ,815 balls.

14:49Phil Tufnell: He won the ball any no-balls.

14:50Sir Alastair Cook: He bowled 132. Well, that's nonsense. He's wrong.

14:55Phil Tufnell: B-field can test that.

14:57Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, so 21 ,815 for B-field. 11 ,288 balls. So about half of what B-field's seen, my long run-up. 20, 30 no balls, I reckon. 30? Yeah. You bowled 134. 134, Phil. That's because Bumble was looking at me back foot.

15:17Phil Tufnell: I wasn't in a test. Oh, he said counties as well, yeah. No, no, this is Tess, isn't it? I'll tell you why, though. This is Tess. I'll tell you why also difficult. Yeah, get that rule up. No, no, no. I'm not having a look at that.

15:26Sir Alastair Cook: Now, hold on. There's the crease there. Yeah. You see, I used to come in with a beautiful, you know, high, high, lovely, like that, up there, and it used to, like a ballerina. You know what I mean? You used to, you plant your foot there and then screw back over the line. A lot of the umpires just used to see you plant the foot there. Oh, it's over the line, no ball. But then I'd come back and I'd be there.

15:48Phil Tufnell: You could come back. You're allowed to come back. Yeah, but a lot of them were keen.

15:51Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, there, no ball, no ball. Maybe they were distracted by the beauty of the ballerina before them. Yeah. And the tutu waving in the wind. Your outfit's putting me off today. Same colour as a seat. Yeah. Shall we get to the show? Yeah. Come on, let's get to the show. Come on. Welcome to a brand new show of Stick to Cricket, brought to you by Betfair.

16:19Sir Alastair Cook: Was that 32 miles an hour delivery the slowest ever ball that has been in Test Match Cricket? Well, Australia have piped up, haven't they? And they're properly getting stuck in. This Ashes series is going to be hot. If I was the England team, I'd get ready. When they land in Australia this time, those cameras are going to follow them everywhere. A little bit of Oochki. Oochki? I've got a filter for Oochki on that. I think I'd have gone back the full 15. Oh, my God. I would have gone, see you out there. Keep batting. It's not a bad noggin, that. Glen Chappell. Direct. Oh, Sir Lannister.

17:00Sir Alastair Cook: Andy Zaltzman. Hello. Zaltzay. Where do you want us to start? I mean, stand-up comedian, test match special. Tell us a joke. Yep, tell us a joke. There you go. Make us laugh. Is that how it is as a stand-up? You actually go on and say, look, come on, get off. It slightly depends. I've had audiences that had that look on their face, not only at the start of a gig, but also during the middle of the gig and at the end of the gig. But it's different if you do, when I do my own show, go to a little theatre, there'll be people who know my stuff, so they come pre-warmed up. But in the club circuit in my early days, I took a bit of enemy fire, I think it's fair to say.

17:40Sir Alastair Cook: Take a bit of stick, like Phil would do down at Bay 13 at the MCG. Yeah, probably not quite as many or as drunken as it, but that's all part of learning the trade of stand-up. So is your genre, if that's the right word, is it sort of stats-based comedy? No, I think that might be a hard sell, to be honest. What style? Comedy style. Well, I do sort of mostly political stuff with a little bit of, I guess, absurdism and surrealism. I don't know how to describe it, but a lot of stuff about politics and then I'll go off on tangents into sport and other stuff.

18:17Phil Tufnell: And who would you say now are the comedians of recent times? Who would you admire? Well, my favourite, Mark Steele, I'm a huge fan of and I've worked with him a lot. He's a massive cricket fan. As well as my generation of comedians, Daniel Kitson was the best, he was from Barnsley. Barnsley? yeah fantastic bird but he was at school with Ryan side bottom but yeah I mean there's you know there's a lot of comedians that I guess like in when you're learning anything you should take little bits from lots of my did I told with Lee Mack early in my career oh very very good very you know completely different comedian to me but we did a toy did so there were four of us on a doing the show and I watched him every night.

19:11We did 12 shows in about 14 nights and he was still making me laugh with the same jokes in the 12th show and just learning that craft and that sort of comic presence, which is sort of what he's like off today. Sean Locke. He's just a very funny man. I didn't see Sean Locke much. I saw him at a late-night show in Edinburgh in the mid-90s at this show called Late and Live, which is a kind of bear pit late-night gig and he was doing these beautiful jokes but it was one of these gigs where people just got booed off randomly. So, but it was, I mean, that was sort of a rite of passage, going up to the Edinburgh Festival, doing Leighton Live and getting booed off.

19:50But that was, I think, yeah, I think I only saw Sean like one other time other than that. So it wasn't representative of the sort of brilliance of his coventry. No, no, like, you know, like, so I'm in the coventry box and I hear someone else have an idea. Yeah. I think, oh, that's quite a good idea. I might like use that idea how hard is it to watch other comedians and they're funny and they take a joke How hard is it not to steal their jokes or like use some of their jokes? And there is their kind of like an unwritten rule that you're not allowed to there's there's an unwritten rule that's unwritten It's unwritten but it's unwritten in pretty fluorescent ink if that makes sense So you just don't sort of use other people's Stuff and I think it was sort of different in you know going back a long time.

20:34It's probably more like music, they're almost like shared jokes that people did in their own style, but no, you don't take other people's jokes. So, um... In fact, see, I mean, Stuart Lee did a whole Edinburgh show based around having one of his jokes stolen that I can't possibly repeat here, but it had a fairly spectacular punchline at the end.

20:56Phil Tufnell: In your early days, did you do the Embassy Club in Manchester? I didn't do the Embassy in Manchester. I did a few gigs i did the manchester comedy store yes in december 2002 and it was the first weekend i've done a few gigs in uh in london at the london comedy store and they offered me the weekend before christmas and i thought oh well it's great to do a weekend at the comedy store so i said yeah i'm free then i'll do it and as soon as i put the phone down i thought that's a real mistake weekend before christmas is the worst time to do gig because everyone's just there on christmas parties and it's but I'd had to do three shows at a Friday and two shows on the Saturday and often can compare it like a club stand-up set to the opening session of a test match you know sometimes everything flows you know it might be like 100 for one or something you know even like 120 for none on a really great gig I think those three I was about 37 for eight a couple of jokes off to hospital, having taken bounces in the face.

21:57It was a tough weekend and they've never booked me since. Have you ever retired hurt? Well, I battle through it because the key is if you retire hurt, then you probably don't get paid. Not like cricketers.

22:13Sir Alastair Cook: I've just got to say, I mean, this fella in the TMS box, he's got pens, everything. We're just throwing random things, you know, how many no balls did, I don't know, Jadija bowl and everything. You're logging leaves, aren't you? Playing misses. I mean, it's a sight to behold. Well, on that, the fourth test, Andy, I mean, the fourth test at Old Trafford, I mean, you're always air-typing away, coming up with all sorts of numbers, stats. Have you got any kind of stats from the test? Any quirky ones? There were a few. So, just in terms of illustrating quite how much it was dominated by the bat, 1 ,452 runs for 24 wickets, So 60.5 runs per wicket, which is the highest in a test in England since 2003 A game that I think you'd remember Michael was the first test of the South Africa series at Edgbaston Graham Smith and Herschel Gibbs put on 338 Who broke the first wicket partnership who broke the first wicket partnership?

23:16Don't tell me I did you did

23:19Sir Alastair Cook: Who did I get out you got Gibbs out? Caught on a boundary. Did I? It was one of your six test wickets. Quite a nice one to get. Graham Smith got 277. You got 100 in England's reply, 408. South Africa, 134 for four, declared. England, 110 for one. So, kind of a similarly batting-dominated game. But, yeah, there were kind of quirks within it because we had the 0 for two and a score over 400. The stand that Gill and Rahul had after that That was the highest stand ever in Test cricket that's begun at nought for two. We've got an ever. Yeah, it was definitely a... The 300s in the second innings, that was the first in England since Lords 2008.

24:05Don't interrupt, mate. I can see there's millions. I can see the screen. South Africa, second innings, Lords 2008, when I think you were England captain.

24:15Sir Alastair Cook: Dave. Dave's nodding off here. Just on those stats, when a stat pops up, how does it pop up? How do you know? Well, I guess just from watching the game and noticing when something's unusual, I guess. So obviously it's unusual for a team to be 0-2, and then when they put on a stand, I thought, well, I wonder what the highest partnership from 0-2 is, and that's quite a simple search on the various online databases.

24:43Phil Tufnell: He's wondering what the highest partnership is. He's going to watch the train time. Well, there's many different ways of watching cricket. How do I get back in the garden?

24:51Sir Alastair Cook: How do I get back in the garden? He loves it. You're very interested in threes, aren't you? Well, I love... Yeah, threes and twos. Southampton, you always get a lot of twos. We had a test at Lee's, the Ashes test at Lee's. Not a single three in the whole game. What, two years ago? Yeah, yeah. Is that right? Is that the first time ever? I think it was. From memory, it was the first test, completed test, without a three. You know, if you've gone there, if you're a fan of threes and you go to that game, it was a brilliant game, Mark Woodbell that incandescent spell to Kawaja, a dramatic game, woke soar England across the line.

25:22Not a single three. That's got to take the edge off things, doesn't it?

25:26Sir Alastair Cook: I like to three. Three down to third, man, you can't beat that, can you? Well, there's buzzers, you must get buzzers. There's buzzers this week. Yeah, there was. And, hey, yes, explain buzzers. You were explaining it. Buzzers comes from, back in the old days, stealing, wasn't it? No, yes, it was. Was it pickpockets? Pickpockets. Pickpockets. London pickpockets. I think it was London pickpockets. You know, they were called buzzers. So, you know, if someone goes buzzers, like that, everyone goes, oh, crikey, look after your pockets. You know what I mean? Because they've spotted a pickpocket. And so, you know, that was like a call to be wary.

26:03Sir Alastair Cook: Right. There's a lot of a field there now, then. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. In 1875, I think it was a thing. So that's where buzzers comes from. But hold on, just talking about the cricket, He was spot on, coach. What a slab of pitch that was. Oh, what a pitch that was.

26:18Phil Tufnell: It needs digging up, doesn't it? I was listening to TMS commentary. I was driving. He's on. And he'd come out with a great line. He said, no wonder Tom Hartley's working on his batting. Left arm spinner. They're playing again. They start today. Are they playing on the same pitch? I don't know which pitch. They won't play on the same pitch. Why? And there was one which was really green because they're just on a roll now. Beat Gloucester last week. Jimmy Anderson, captain. Tom Hartley gets 110-fer. Yeah, 10-fer, yeah. So 105-fers, which is... Akram, for Langs, did it three times. Watkinson did it three times.

26:57Phil Tufnell: Wow. The last one, I'm doing his job. You've got some up there, Bob. Who was the last one before Tom Hartley?

27:05Sir Alastair Cook: Before Tom Hartley...

27:06Phil Tufnell: Tom Hartley, 105-fer in the same game. Glenn Chappell. Correct. Glenn Chappell. Good knowledge. What year? Oh, surrealist. 2004.

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29:02Sir Alastair Cook: Stick to Cricket is brought to you by Betfair. Stokes this week gets a 5-4 and 100. I mean, remarkable. And then it came up that Beefy had done it five times. Five times, Beef. The first one was Wally Hammond or something, wasn't it? The great Wally. No, he didn't do it in the same game. It was, I think, Tony Gregg. Oh, Tony Gregg. Gus Atkinson, both and first time. And then Stokes. And I never knew, and I'm showing my ignorance, here. How many Fifers? Now Ben, he's got five Fifers, hasn't he? And you see how much it takes out of him and bowls and bats and everything. Beefy, 26 Fifers for England.

29:43Sir Alastair Cook: All of them hung over.

29:45Phil Tufnell: All of them hung over. We can't remember any of them.

29:50Sir Alastair Cook: And also 1600s. Yeah. Just Don Stokes in a minute. Stats don't, I guess, tell you this, but he's becoming, isn't he? Stats never lie, Mike. The key. They do lie. I can make them lie. Yeah, well, you can. But if you take Ben out of this team, and I hope he doesn't get an injury, but is there any percentage stat of how much of an importance one individual player can be to a team? That's quite hard to measure. There have been various different systems for doing that. There was a thing called Impact Index that was ran in India for a bit, trying to measure how influential players are. So rather than using traditional stats, because obviously you might have really important innings of 40 and a completely irrelevant innings of 130.

30:35Oh, I've never got one of those.

30:39So, but it's quite hard to quantify. I mean, just in terms of Stokes, this series, past 300 runs, over 15 wickets, that's a pretty rare achievement. Since Flintoff did it in 2005, only one other player has had that in a series.

30:54Sir Alastair Cook: Where do we think it sits in terms of percentages to the team? 25. 25 % of the England team performance is Ben Stokes.

31:02Phil Tufnell: Yes. Well, I mean, he's batting, bowling, fielding, captain. Yeah, he might be more.

31:10Sir Alastair Cook: Well, after 40 overs, he needs to get runny, because I reckon he's out there mowing the grass. He needs a robot. That'll help him out slightly. After 40 overs of the old ball, 42-80, Ben Stokes has got six wickets at 30. Yeah. Wokes has got one wicket over 90 now. Carson Archer, I know Archer's only played two. They haven't got a wicket. Between 40 and 80 overs, when the ball gets old soft and you need something, Stokes is six, Carson Archer, zip. And that's what it's going to be like on ours.

31:43Phil Tufnell: But, I mean, the other thing about this game that we've just had, that Bumrah, as we've kept saying, is the best in the world. Nothing. Nothing. No. Absolutely not. Stokes has helped that. So if he's getting nothing, it's hard work for the rest of them. But how, like, day three, that pitch, we saw a couple real keep low, a couple rise. I know Gil got in the fifth innings, but in the fifth day, but it went to sleep, didn't it? The wicket, like, it deteriorated for a little bit and then just... It does, it does, it does, it does like, I've seen every game there. It just goes like that. Of course, it's just a draw.

32:16Phil Tufnell: But why did it stop doing it? Because it was left-handers. It does, it just completely dies. Roller, roller, roller, roller, dead as a door. I went to the... In fact, the first test I went to all five days of went to the Old Trafford in 98 against South Africa when you'd have been England coach. And that was another sort of third innings rearguard, wasn't it? Yeah. Having followed on. Yeah. And my now wife was living in Manchester for a year and I came up and we took her to all five days of the test match. First two days. First two days. We sat there watching... You old romantic. We sat there watching Gary Kirsten get the world's most tedious double hump.

32:56And we stayed together. If a relationship can take a Gary Kirsten double hump, it can survive. You think that's the key to marriage? You reckon? Yeah.

33:04Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah. The key to... Yeah. How much the pitch changed... It's obviously quite different from... You used to have a bit of oomph, Dave,

33:13Phil Tufnell: and a bit more spin. I mean, the theory is drainage that sucks everything out of it. There's no retention of moisture anywhere now around the country, but more so there. But you'd think it would turn then, wouldn't you? You'd think if it was that dry... It's a slab. He described it perfectly. It's just a slab. He'd play on it forever.

33:35Sir Alastair Cook: And nothing even... I felt a little bit sorry for Liam Dawson to get that pitch on his first... Was it eight years, wasn't it? Eight years since he's had a go. He didn't get clattered. Well, we knew he wouldn't. He didn't get caught.

33:46Phil Tufnell: He's decent, isn't he? He probably balled. He balled a bit full. Left-arm spinner, Phil.

33:51Sir Alastair Cook: How could you improve Liam Dawson? What would you get him to do? Listen, in that first inning, he did what he did. You know what I mean? You get your nick one or two and get yourself, go at three and over. Not bad. He's done all right. But then when you come to the second innings, ruffles, left-handers and all sorts of things, you've just got to be a little bit more crafty. He was just a bit predictable. He just sort of fired it in, fired it in. You've got to try a bit of, a little bit of hooch, Utski. Utski? Utski? I've got a filter for Utski on. You've got to try a bit of Utski, a bit of Manootski.

34:25Phil Tufnell: This is Jack Russell talking. This is Jack Russell in the changing room. We're going to be more Utski. So Manootski's the arm baller. Well, no, you've just got to...

34:38Sir Alastair Cook: And I think I was a little bit disappointed, actually. me. And listen, it was a slab and it was tough and it was hard work and he'll be disappointed because you know as a captain, you've got to get your spin out and get your two or three, three or four in the second deep just to get you through and help out the seamers. But I was just a little bit disappointed that there was some rough there, but he didn't quite get it in it. You know what I mean? It was a little bit like that. Bit full? Yeah, bit full. I mean, I think that KL Raul sort of stood, he could have stood in his forward defensive stance and not moved the ball would have hit his back six out of six you know what I mean it was just a bit full that's getting it through this Bill right as a spinner how do you get that so Washington Sunday is getting this lovely shape there you go how can Liam so that's what I'm seeing I'm seeing Liam Dorsett goes dead straight and spins if it does spin yeah he's not getting that that shape no how can he get shape through the air

35:33Phil Tufnell: I mean he runs just straight doesn't he starts and runs dead straight you know just try to go Or on a curve, going front of the umpire...

35:43Sir Alastair Cook: Are you showing him a banana? It's a curve. It bends, but what's that got to do? Well, because you're aren't coaching here. Do I not have a run-up like that? His run-up's like that. Yeah. Go like that. Yeah. So he needs to go from the carrot to the banana. Yes, he needs to go from the carrot. But you always talk about the fruit bowl, don't you? Well, absolutely. No, I just think he could have worked a little bit more that rough to the left-hander. It's a little bit slower, a little bit, you know, a little bit more flighty. Little changes of pace. Just as a left-hander, because he does come right over the top, doesn't he, a little bit less.

36:11Actually, if you're batting to the left-hander, he's coming over the wicket into the rough. Because it's coming into you and then clipping the rough, it's actually quite easy to play. You want someone who can get the drift to drag you that way. He clipped the rough, turning that to you. Takes your eyes, doesn't it? The problem with Dawson is he's 35 years old now. This is his DNA now. He's grooved his game. He's been a brilliant one-day performer and a four-day performer for Hampton.

36:34Sir Alastair Cook: He's a good cricketer, a great cricketer. The balance for England is that Dawson will offer a lot in the first innings in terms of control, runs. But when you're desperate to bowl a side out, he's probably not the man who's going to bowl those Jaffas. So then you're on a tactical thing as a captain or as a selector. Do you want to be conservative? It's probably a conservative choice, isn't it? It strengthens your batting and you've got control without someone who's probably going to get your batting. Interestingly, Shoaibashe had a good week, didn't he? By not playing. Always a better player. He did.

37:07Sir Alastair Cook: He had a good week because we've seen Liam Dawson, Ray and Ahmed, who's got 13 in the match against...

37:13Phil Tufnell: He's 21 years of age, this kid. I've watched him at Old Trafford. He's been brilliant. Lovely.

37:18Sir Alastair Cook: But there again, you're losing that control, perhaps, in that first day. Which, actually, Stokes has never, ever, ever spoken about control, has he really? He's spoken about taking wickets. Correct. But then he's gone, you know, this side is evolving. But Ahmed's a really interesting one because he is so young.

37:33Phil Tufnell: Yeah. Bashir doesn't give you control in the first time. No, but he's got a good ball in him. He takes wicket. He's got a good ball in him. I reckon he'd a guy wicket in that second. He's having a good ball in him if they're all on the boundary.

37:44Sir Alastair Cook: Well, yeah, I know what you mean. Just on spin, Harry Brook. Off spin. Do you think we'll see it again? Now, I asked Zoltzis, was that 32-mile-an-hour delivery the slowest ever ball that has been bowled in Test match cricket? Well, I think if we go back to the 19th century, Well, there were still some guys lobbing it under on. Oh, of course. So it's quite... The speed data's not entirely reliable ball-to-ball. I think it gives a good picture over the course. Was it quicker than... Was it Chapels under on? Was it quicker than that? No, that roll on the floor.

38:15Phil Tufnell: You can't roll it on the floor. It's got to bounce.

38:17Sir Alastair Cook: I was crying for that, you know. You know when it became a bit farcical? I was kind of going, someone bowling under on. Can you bowl under on? Can you bowl under on? You can.

38:26Phil Tufnell: If it bounces once? No, no, you can't. You've got to change it. You've got to... It's got to go above. So everybody used to talk about malinga, didn't they? It's got to go above shoulder high. Oh. Yeah, your arm, your release or whatever. I don't know the wording. Malinga would be above. But I think they've stopped under arm delivery.

38:45Sir Alastair Cook: Where did we sit with that?

38:47Phil Tufnell: What's that?

38:48Sir Alastair Cook: India batting on. I was quite happy with it. Yeah, me too. In actual fact, one thing that had created a bit of a moment, I think I'd have gone back the full 15, keep them out there for another 10. Oh, my goodness. I would have gone, see you out there. How to make friends and influence people. Well, clearly there's a bit of friction now in the series and I'd have gone, just keep batting. Well, I think that would have been a bit cheeky. I think how it done was perfectly right. It finished in a slightly farcical manner. But listen, let's put the shoe on the other foot. Jacob Bethel out there on 93, wants to get his first done.

39:24Sir Alastair Cook: You two are captain. 93 is different than 80. He was on 85, wasn't he? Did he age 85? Did he age 85? Was it? Washington Sunday was eight.

39:33Phil Tufnell: Yeah, he's had a nine to six. So you think they should have come off? I think the umpire, the game, there's a facility in the game to call a stalemate, of which Ben Stoltz called the stalemate, we can't win this game, they can't win the game, India. It's got to be both captains shaking hands, isn't it? I think the wording of the laws is may, isn't it? The captains may, rather than... Yeah. So I'd have to check that. The captains, is that a bit obscure? One captain, they can't win. So you can rectify, you can modify that wording. You can't win. There's a facility to end the game. Take the bales off because it's a farce.

40:14Phil Tufnell: Would you want to get you, if you're on 80, would you want to get your maiden test match century against lob ups? Yes, yes.

40:24Sir Alastair Cook: particularly when I'd fought so hard in a pressurised situation to get to 80 absolutely he deserved he didn't get lob ups for four and a half hours and also he'd had I think three near misses and a couple of them were knocked out so when the innings ended

40:39Phil Tufnell: so I want you to stay out here and ball at me whilst I get to 100

40:44Sir Alastair Cook: in the long five match series part of the long format is to try and wear the opposition down

40:51Phil Tufnell: Yeah, but... So why not?

40:52Sir Alastair Cook: You're starting again on Thursday.

40:54Phil Tufnell: He had a facility to go off, to finish. It's in the laws of the game. You can finish. You may end the game. We finish. We don't want to carry on. We finish. We can't win. Well, we'll just have a bit of a break. I reckon he's missed out on a double. I played a school game, a very low level, through under-10s game, and we were made to carry on bowling so this kid on the other side could get a 50 and they'd already won. So they'd gone past our score and their teacher said, no, you can't go, I'm going to let my guy get a 50. So we had to... What was he on, 10? He was on about, I don't know, 35. In under 10's game, quite a big score.

41:37It was after the game had finished.

41:40Sir Alastair Cook: Headmasters, lad. I'll tell you what's obvious, though, because over the course of the two days after, Australia have piped a pump, and they're properly getting stuck in. Apparently Ben didn't shake their hands. Well, he did. He did. He shook their hands. It's just an early indication, isn't it, that going into November in the Ashes, this Ashes series is going to be hot.

42:00Phil Tufnell: Yeah.

42:00Sir Alastair Cook: You know, the press, the Aussie press. If I was the England team, I'd get ready. I hope they've got some kind of psychoanalyst. Who else do they have in the backroom team? Just explain. So when they land in Australia this time, those cameras are going to follow them everywhere. So don't think you're going to get away with anything. No. Whether it's on a golf course, in a bar, in a hotel. You know what they're like in Aussie. As soon as you walk through the airport, they'll be straight in the face. The team have got to get ready because they are going to write some stories and bring up some kind of old past.

42:30Sir Alastair Cook: Did you have to clean your shoes as well? Yeah. Clean your shoes. Yeah, yeah. We got... That's the earliest sledge I've ever got as we landed. Yeah. Aussie pilot has gone, right, and OK, we are now landing. Thanks very much. I just want to, you know, wish the England team all the very best. You're pommie bastards. As we were walking off the plane. As we were walking off the plane. And even put set foot on Australian soil. I think you're the man. I think you should be in this England game. I think he should be. It's brilliant. When you go over there, it's fantastic. Get stuck in. Oh, the press.

43:06Sir Alastair Cook: I mean, name me some of the journos over there. Crash Craddock. I think he's written one overnight about Stokes. Malcolm Conn. Conn, yeah. I saw Ed Cowan, the ex-Ossie player. He fired him.

43:17Phil Tufnell: Did you see Rob Craddock about Dawson? The answer is absolutely brilliant. He'll be a great player over here in Australia with the runs that he gets down the order. Trying to get him in. But they turn quite quickly on the Aussies. The one time we played well there out of four. As soon as you get your noses ahead and you start playing well, they're right on the Aussies' back. I can't wait for Perth. Pete Lallore and Gideon Hague, they're two good blokes. They're really good, you know. But I think it's fabulous in that media centre when you get going. You're giving a take. It's how it is. It's pure.

43:57Phil Tufnell: I think it's pure. It's good. Stick to cricket. Home is for relaxing, whether you're hosting friends for dinner or enjoying a quiet afternoon by yourself with a tasty treat. But it's hard to relax when a couple of flying insects always seem to show up uninvited. Then those one or two fruit flies suddenly become hundreds, and that can make it even harder to relax. Next thing you know, you're spending time swatting them away. Thankfully, the Zeevo Flying Insect Trap takes care of flying insects for you. Just plug it in and it gets to work 24-7. Its specifically designed blue and UV light attracts flying insects like houseflies, fruit flies, and gnats, trapping them on a sticky backing without any odors or mess.

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45:44Sir Alastair Cook: Brought to you by Betfair. Is there any sledging in comedy? Well, I mean, not generally from comedians to each other. Heckling from the audience, yeah. Have you ever been heckled off? Well, I mean, it depends how you define it, really. I mean, like I say, I've fulfilled my contractual obligation and finished the gig. But, you know, so, I mean, sort of, yeah. But that was a long time ago. Sorry to just bring it back to India. Stats, what are the stats telling you for the Oval? Well, I mean, the stats are telling me that... Mystic Zoltz. What's going to happen, Zoltz? That's the thing with stats.

46:33might tell you what has happened, doesn't tell you what is going to happen, but it does highlight how tired England's bowlers are going to be. They've bowled over 220 overs per match, which is their third highest ever in a home series. A lot of dirt time. 797 runs per test conceded, which is the highest ever by a team in a series of four or more tests, but they're 2-1 up. So, yeah, it's been a kind of strange summer, India, of seven scores over 350. Clinton. I've had no idea to do that. It's not a bad noggin to do that, actually, is it?

47:11Sir Alastair Cook: It's not a bad noggin, that. Andy, is it saying that it'll be a draw? Will it be...? Oh, well, I mean, it never says it's going to be a draw. It was the first...

47:18Phil Tufnell: There's a word coming. There's a word coming. Clinton, Baptiste, Clinton, Baptiste. Bollocks.

47:29Sir Alastair Cook: What about Joe Root? You haven't even mentioned John I just have Second in the list Incredible the numbers Have you looked into your Zaltzball, what will be the day And the game where he knocks One off his hip to go past Sachin, have you worked that out yet? Well, he's currently scoring At around 100 runs per test Since the Rajkot reverse Scoop off Bumrah that didn't go Particularly well for him he's been in this incredible run of form. Ran about 100 runs per test. He needs about 2 ,500 runs, so that's 25 tests. But if he has a better run than that, there's a chance that if he gets up to about 120 runs per test, that he could surpass Satchin's record with the winning runs at the Oval in the 2027 Ashes.

48:20Now, obviously... Oh, I love it. A lot of things have to happen for that. But let's cling to that dream, shall we? What a moment that would be. So just so he doesn't do that, where's their next tour? Because I think India, isn't it? So it could be Mumbai. It's their first test match in Mumbai.

48:36Sir Alastair Cook: And he could replace Sachin's statue. No, I'll tell you what. Sachin's statue. I'll tell you what, like Steve, at Mumbai,

48:44Phil Tufnell: that'll be the stalemate game on day five, and he's ten runs short, and I'd like to carry on again. Yeah, that'll be fine. No, no, I'll carry on.

48:55Sir Alastair Cook: What's made him so good? Technique. Hunger. Enthusiasm for the game. Enthusiasm for the game. Up to the game. When everyone was fielding just at the end, he was on the boundary and India were just knocking it around. He was sprinting in still. You know, people were sort of jogging about and going, arms folded. He was sprinting in and throwing it in. This is what I'm saying. So you mentioned Jacob Bethel earlier in the show. Now, Joe Root's got to the level he's got to by batting and batting and batting and batting. And I look at Jacob Bethel, a young, very talented player. Since April 1st, Jacob Bethel has faced 254 balls.

49:34Sir Alastair Cook: He's bowled 244 balls. And he's not a bowler. OK, you can't get any better or improve your mindset or your resilience if you don't play. And experience. Yeah. And he's our greatest ever, Joe Rue. And guess what he's done over many, many years? He's batted. In the morning when they're playing pig, you know when they're flicking each other on the floor? I don't like that game. He's almost got a bat in his hand when he's doing it. He puts it down, then he plays a bit of pig, then he fits a bat up. In the dressing room, what's he doing sat there? He's got a bat in his hand. He's always got a bat. You know, I reckon he's got the least weaknesses of any batsman, even on that list almost, than any I've ever seen.

50:11There is no, you know, against, if you're like trying to not rip people to shred, like driving, you feel that you could nick him off there quite a bit. Or ponting quite lungy against spin, even though he scored 100.

50:22Sir Alastair Cook: Satin was a bit vulnerable through the gate you know just oh my I just I can't opened it no I make you right I make you right that is probably why and just another thing about Stokesy Mike we were talking about you were talking about batting you know that's now he's got his under doesn't he well he's got his flow into the game there you go he's been batting and he's now looking a better player he's had a better time he's taken four games that's incredible you've got to play cricket

50:50Phil Tufnell: 240 odd balls and we're into all this.

50:53Sir Alastair Cook: 244 balls, ball. So, say four months. He's bowling two balls a day and facing two balls a day. That's his job. How much is he on? I just can't fathom why you don't want a young player. And I know county cricket is a different skill set. It's different. It's batting. It's still batting, isn't it? And still bowling. It's still delivering your skill. But then that's the argument. Sometimes they say, well, county cricket has no relation to international cricket. Well, actually, there's a lot. Problem solving as a batsman is also a thing. How are you going to face Darren Stevens? You have to learn different ways.

51:27Sir Alastair Cook: It's your apprenticeship. Absolutely. Just because you're not going to face a Darren Stevens in a test match doesn't mean you... I'll go, right? So Joe Root is going to probably pass Satchin's record. What did he do at the start of his career? He played in county cricket. What did you do at the start of your career? What did Jimmy Anderson do? What did Stuart Broughton... We're talking about our legends. They've all played, even if it's only two or three years, they've all started. You've all played some county cricket to get into your body and your mind, just cricket. It doesn't matter what the...

51:53Sir Alastair Cook: It's cricket, isn't it? And that's what concerns me about a lot of these younger players don't play enough.

51:58Phil Tufnell: But there's a shift also. Lots of the younger lads in their 20s just want to play white ball and they have white ball contracts. You've got to play. Why do you not want to play a game that you love and your aspirations and your ambitions? As a youngster, you want to play. I mean, that is so hard to do, isn't it? actually just being a white ball specialist. Say you're a middle-order white ball specialist. Well, that's what you are now, Cookie. I'm not sure. My franchise dream comeback of just going around the world playing franchise cricket has been... But, yeah, just say you're a T20 specialist, you're a good young player, and you say, oh, that's where I'm going to go.

52:35And you're batting at five or six, you're facing 15 balls on average. And you've got to go and strike 160. You just can't do it. You can't do it. Just on route, and you look at his cricketing CV, There's very few gaps in it. And also, there's a lot of things that he's improved. So his conversion rate up to 2021 wasn't great. Since then, he's, I think, 21 out of 38 50s, he's converted into 100s. I think he's only had one run in his career of more than 16 innings without 100. The one thing that isn't there is a big series in Australia. People talk about 100s, but he's not had a sort of really influential series in Australia.

53:12He's got quite a lot of 50s and, you know, averaging those sort of mid to high 30s. Why do you think he's not been as successful there as elsewhere? Obviously the quality of bowling there is always good. How much is it that? How much is it at different pitches? Or is it just one of those things? It could always be. You know, there's always... Without looking, you might be able to look at all his dismissals and actually see is there a trend of dismissals in Australia? Is there a trend of getting caught in the... Joe? Joe, is it extra bounce?

53:40Sir Alastair Cook: Hazel with that nip backer. LBW. And a bit of bounce caught in the grabs. that's it because he he has to open his blade slightly I don't think he does that anymore I think he's dead straight on I think let's just wait I think because you know going as captain Covid all that kind of other stuff is when did Ben Stokes not tour 17 he was captain there wasn't he so Rue had a tour right at the start of his career in 13 or 14 which was a difficult tour for the whole team well I think I dropped them up he was dropped for the last test Yeah, last captain. Well done. Probably the only person who dropped the greatest ever.

54:18But that made him. You made him. That's what I want to say.

54:20Sir Alastair Cook: Always had a good feel for the game. So, Alistair.

54:27Sir Alastair Cook: Stick to Cricket is brought to you by Betfair. Community questions. Right. Zoltz, we're going to start with a few coming for you. OK. So, we'll start with this first one. Which number 11 batsman holds the record for the highest ever test score? Well, that's Ashton Agar. Oh, it is? 98 in Trent Bridge 2013. He managed to overcome Cookie's captaincy, I think, to score 98 at 11. He was stumped. He was stumped. He was caught. No, but he was stumped before. The unbinded game had not had. Oh, right. Clearly out. That same game that Brodie didn't walk. Yes. He was stumped. It was a classic game of cricket, though, wasn't it?

55:11Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, brilliant.

55:12Phil Tufnell: He didn't hit that, did he, Bro?

55:13Sir Alastair Cook: No.

55:17Sir Alastair Cook: Right, Zots, do you prefer watching a good batting performance or a good bowling performance? Oh, well, I mean, I'd like to see a balance between batting ball. I think that's the one thing that's been lacking in this summer's cricket. It's been kind of dramatic, had interesting games, but only really the second innings at Lourdes the bowlers have got on top. So you want to see both. But there's something really spectacular about seeing a bowler run through a team or bowl a magic spell. Occasionally you see from Boomerat, those kind of epic spells. So it's one of the first days of test cricket I ever went to.

55:51Oval in 1991. I saw Tuffers rip through the West Indies. Thank you, John. Six for 25. Thank you, John.

55:57Sir Alastair Cook: You'd be a good selection this week. There's a ten of four. Record's pretty good there. Yeah, he is. I did see Chris Cairns once hit you over the pavilion as well. Yeah. 99. Yeah, I did. There's a picture on the front of the cricketer of him coming down the wicket like that and I've just bowled the ball and he's hit it. I'm like that. Went over the top. Monster hit. Zoltz, cricket or comedy? If you could only choose one. What are you carrying on with? That's tough. I mean, I'm very lucky to do two things that I love for my work, if work's the right word. But it's very hard to choose. Can I do comedy about cricket?

56:33Is that a compromise?

56:35Sir Alastair Cook: We'll let you have that. For all of you, if you guys could watch cricket live in only one stadium for the rest of your life watching cricket which stadium are you choosing easy Edingly me Edingly Scarborough Scarborough yeah Scarborough should have test matches at Scarborough right you want it to be part of the kind of rotation do you

56:58Phil Tufnell: yeah

56:59Sir Alastair Cook: like the Rose Bowl

57:01Phil Tufnell: the Aegeus Bowl yeah Scarborough yeah on the coast beautiful Beautiful. Scarbados. Scarbados. Plenty going on. Great fish and chips. Good fish and chips. Proper forms, proper benches. Old pavilion. Good pitch. Not great on the backside, though. You take your own cushion.

57:18Sir Alastair Cook: Oh, yeah.

57:19Phil Tufnell: Take your own cushion. Then marquees. Nice band. Just in England or anywhere? Wherever it is. There's any stadium in the world. I think full Bridgetown in Barbados. Good. Very good. That's my second. That's my second. Although a game I think in England, Edgbaston, when it's rocking, I think that is. But when we played, not great memories for you, but we played in that Antigua ground where Lara got the record, but we played when it got abandoned. You remember that game got abandoned and we went there? And just the different, that was probably for, because Barbados is now a bit more developed, you know, there's a couple of new stands.

57:56That was, when we played there in 2008, I just thought that atmosphere, or nine or whatever, next to the prison, was just brilliant.

58:06Sir Alastair Cook: Banstead Cricket Club very nice because I'm about 10 minutes down the road so I'll be able to commute quite nicely I'm going to go with the old Kensington Oval yes the old Kensington Oval with all the bleaches and the wooden things all rocking around karaoke before play didn't they in the stands yeah absolutely or I always like the SCG SCG is lovely nice yeah they're my two the old SCG not the new ones it's a concrete jungle than at the Allar over there. Adelaide? Adelaide, the old one. The new one's great. It's a great atmosphere, but yeah, the old one. They've done that well, though, Adelaide, haven't they?

58:41Because that whole ground was a great... Yeah, Adelaide's a building.

58:43Sir Alastair Cook: They've kept the old scoreboard in the bank. They've done that well. You took a good catch in front of that bank in Adelaide. Oh, I quite like the one in Cape Town. Because I used to feel... What, your catch or the... No, no, no, no, the ground, because I just used to stand there and look at the Castle Brewery. Look at the Castle Brewery. I thought you were going to say...

59:00Phil Tufnell: There's a bloody big hill there. that obscures the light coming in. And the smell of it, the smell of it, the smell of the brewery. Where's your place, Andy? Well, the place I play my village cricket, Penshurst Park's a lovely ground. Yeah, I think Penshurst, get that, on the international list. I think I could. Well, the first game of cricket I ever went to was a World Cup match in Tunbridge Wells at the Neville Ground, which Kent used to play a week a year and saw Kapaldev get 175, not out, which was then the highest ODI score. The games, I've got a soft spot for Dakar, because the first time I ever went overseas to work on cricket I was working for Crickinfo, and I was in the press overflow on top of the press box behind the bowler's arm, and there were 30 ,000 people there, opening game of the World Cup.

59:52One of the best atmospheres I've been at in cricket.

59:54Sir Alastair Cook: It wouldn't be my choice. You've got a soft spot for that. I'd rather Tom, I don't. Yeah. Fair enough. Tomberdon, half in Yorkshire, half in Lancashire. Yeah. Do the best bacon and egg sandwiches you'll ever have. That's a possible solution to, you know, a pitch. Well, yeah, Tomberdon to host most international cricket, it's half and half. So what I'd do to improve pitches in international cricket is I'd allow each team to prepare 11 yards of the pitch. Oh, half the pitch. So you could have a green receiver at one end, raging turn at the other. Well, it has been done. Taunton. Yeah. Maybe that's what they're doing.

1:00:29I thought you meant spit in the middle. I was in the middle. I could do that.

1:00:33Sir Alastair Cook: The old days at Nottingham. Right, come on, let's finish with the Oval. What's going to happen at the Oval this week? England lost there last year against Sri Lanka. Well, it was a bit ridiculous, They beat the Aussies the previous year. Listen, I think you've got to find 11 fellas who are going to be fit and ready to go. What's your 11? Who are you going with? The batting unit. Wicket keeper. Yeah, wicket keeper. and then I'm going to go... It's good to have a keeper. Listen, the last score at the Oval, Surrey got 800. With a cooker. Got 800. Yeah. Do you need a spinner? I might just go four seamers and have it.

1:01:13Sir Alastair Cook: You're not picking your spinner? Go have a spinner. Go have a spinner. Go have Dorse. Dawson. I'm going to go Dawson, Atkinson, Tongue and one other, isn't it? Stokes. Stokes and is there another one? Yeah. You need one more. Well, Archer, is Archer going to go? Is Wokesy? They look tired. Kars, tired. Archer. Tired. So you're going Tong, Atkinson, Overton for those three. Yeah. OK. I'm going to have a whole new change up because, listen, Joffre could go bust. Yeah. Very quickly. What's he played now? Three? Two? Three? Two. Has that ever happened? Go on, go on, go on. Has that ever happened before?

1:01:54England totally changing their seamers. Sorry about that. Yeah, in 93 at the Oval, England played Australia. They were slightly different scenario. They were 4-0 down and brought in Fraser, Watkin and Malcolm and beat Australia. It was England's first win over Australia in six and a half years.

1:02:10Sir Alastair Cook: That was Phil, though, wasn't it? Freshened right up. Didn't you get a few wickets that day? No, that was a different one. That was four years later you got. Go on, Ed. You'll go, Bob.

1:02:19Phil Tufnell: New Zealand, Wellington, when you changed... Anderson and Broad came in for Harmi and Hoggard. Well, that was...

1:02:26Sir Alastair Cook: I don't think they were tired. They were just coming towards the... And these two young kids were just so good. Real go. Who are you picking?

1:02:35Phil Tufnell: That's... Yeah.

1:02:37Sir Alastair Cook: Complete fresh.

1:02:37Phil Tufnell: I don't know about Overton. Is he bowling? Does he bowl much? He does bowl. He bats. Bats, bowls. I think I'd... Go with Karsh again. Really? Yeah.

1:02:50Sir Alastair Cook: I'd leave Walksy out. Do you know his record against left-hands in the series? is he's got one for 200 and... I'd have to check. No, no, leave him out. See, this is when the stat boy comes in, isn't it?

1:03:04Phil Tufnell: Yeah. Yeah, Tong, Overton.

1:03:07Sir Alastair Cook: That's a big change. Well, listen, if you go in with... Joffre could go pink.

1:03:11Phil Tufnell: They've found out with Archer what they wanted to find out. Is he fit for the Ashes? Yes, he is. Yeah, perhaps wrap him up. Atkinson, though, hasn't played much cricket?

1:03:19Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, so if you go in with Atkinson, Archer both of those could go ping I'm not sure you can go Archer I don't think you can go Archer he's just come back he's played two going back to back three days after the last one I think that's a big one is he in the red zone I think he's in the red zone by the way can we just finish with Heated Exchange right this will be a good one for you has the 100 format start with you Zoltz I know you love it good luck has the 100 format been a success yes and no so I've never worked on the 100 I'm generally in the gap where we go on the family holiday so I've not really watched much of it it doesn't grab me as a cricket fan but it's not really aimed at me clearly it's been great for women's cricket I think I don't find the shorter cricket gets the less it interests me personally as a cricket fan I don't really see the point of a match that lasts less than an entire working week so it gives you the distrust five days off from everything else so it's just not long enough for me but I think it's clearly been quite divisive I think the successes it's had could have been achieved without some of the downsides of it but I'm not really, I don't think I'm fully equipped to say whether it's been a success or not objectively but it's not really my thing Sir Alistair?

1:04:42Yes, it has been a success

1:04:43Phil Tufnell: Yeah, it's been a financial success I would think because people come and watch, although it's cheaper tickets, women's game has benefited. It's a long way to go and it will probably,

1:04:57Sir Alastair Cook: will it, turn into T20?

1:05:00Phil Tufnell: Yeah, it will do in time.

1:05:01Sir Alastair Cook: It's putting over half a billion to the game.

1:05:03Phil Tufnell: Yeah, and I think that money's just starting to drip in, isn't it?

1:05:07Sir Alastair Cook: Yeah, yeah, I believe there's a few checks flying around this week, Bill. Absolutely, for me, just look at the children's faces, Mike. Look at the children's faces. What are their faces? They're all smiling. All right, so it's a success. It's a success. We'll finish on that.

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