Bill Nighy

0:03Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm here at Lenny's. How are you mum? Very well. Did you have a nice weekend? Lovely you were there darling. Yes, thank you. You did a very nice egg salad. Oh, I've still got a bit in the fridge. I had a really busy weekend. I went to Gladiators Live. Fabulous. And then I went to see my friend, Dev Hines, performer Ali Pally. How was that? And a previous guest on the podcast, lovely Naomi Scott, supported him, and it was really brilliant. She sung amazingly. Is she now a pop star? Yeah. A whole new world. She can just do whatever she wants, basically. It was great, and Dev was absolutely fantastic.

0:39But something happened at the gig. What happened? Which was quite a revelation for me. It was gunshots like the time you went to see that one. No, it was a blood orange gig, Mum. It was very head noddy, pitchforky, very respectful. A girl came up to me and said, excuse me, do you do that podcast? And I said, yes, I do. And she said, are you Lenny Ware? So I now look in my 40s. And I now look like I'm in my 70s. or the fact that I was at a music gig and I'm that girl Lenny off the podcast. I don't know whether I should bother bringing out the next record. Maybe not, darling. It was hysterical and producer Alice was with me and the way everyone, all my friends around me cackled.

1:23Of course they did, darling. So, yeah. You're big in the Gen Z muso world, Lenny. Okay, darling. That's great. Do you want me to be on your video instead of you? Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's what we need to do. It's just too confusing, though. Do that. What's that thing with Tom Hanks where he becomes young again? Big. Because we look a bit alike. Maybe you should play me older and I'll play you younger. Maybe you should just calm down. Okay. Anyway, today you are in charge of the food. Yeah. We have the excellent Bill Nye coming on. Can't wait. He has a new podcast. I know. Called Ill-Advised by Bill Nye.

2:02and it's basically him being an agony uncle to try and help people through life with all their queries and questions it can be you know what would you bring as a present for a host for a dinner party did you know the greatest air guitar piece was bradley cooper well now i do i also really appreciated his air guitar me too on a podcast that was excellent that was excellent Thank you. And he played it twice. Yes, he did. So, yeah, we have Bill Nye coming on and we're really excited about having him. I am. He's quite precise about food. Well, no, I think we're lucky because producer Alice also produces Bill's podcast.

2:43But he likes what he likes. So Alice has been very helpful. And so we got kind of a request in. So what is on the menu today? Pasta putanesca. Because this is what Bill likes. Bill loves it. Probably not as much chilli as he would have liked. have you put any in yeah are you okay with him adding i've got me chili flakes here but i have made some padron peppers as well right that he can just pick and eat just in case he needs a little bit of pepper you're you know padron peppers aren't that spicy no i know but he'll just have to put up with it it was the thought that came yes and then you've got a big cheese board for after yeah lovely yeah i'm very excited because he's a massive marmite fan i think he would almost say that he's more of a marmite fan than me which i think is no i think that's i think that's ridiculous but he loves it we've got lots to talk about with bill nye Bill Nye coming up on Tablemembers

3:49Bill, thank you for being here My pleasure Looking fantastic may we add Your own collection? If you'd have told me when I was 17 that I would grow up And I would collaborate with John Smedley On a collection of their leisure wear I would have arranged to be more cheerful in my early life And I wore John Smedley polos which were an essential mod item when I was a young man I used to save up from because they were they were out of my range and I wore them in frontline defiance of the silk shirt open to the third button which was never going to happen because I didn't have the shape for that and also the tie-dye t-shirt doused in patchouli oil and we were pioneers young mods and if I do nothing else with my life they will always be this achieve this and the groovy thing the other groovy thing a word groovy which i never used when it was groovy to use it because it was always sounded so lame but now it's drenched in irony through time so i'm allowed to use it in a post-modern ironic way what's also groovy about it is that um they asked me if i doodled anything and i doodle little birds on my scripts and i've done it for a thousand years and it's the only thing i can't draw the only thing i do is cartoon-like birds on my scripts and if i get a really good one where i think i've really nailed it i photograph it now because i have a phone So they've embroidered it.

5:08Oh, my gosh. In fact, this is a prototype. There's where it is. Oh, I love these birds. Yeah, they're little birds. They gave them... Like a robin red breast, maybe? Search me. I really don't know. They come in different shapes and sizes. They've named them now. One's called George and one's called Peter. There's two different ones. But the great thing about it is that I also... I asked them, where were the long johns? Because they used to do long johns, John Smedley. John Smedley was a hosier in 1760 or something, and he made underwear. But they used to do thermals top and bottom, and they'd stop doing them.

5:45So when I got around to collaborating with them, I said, can we not do some thermals? So now there will be people walking around wearing longjohns with my doodle on their bum. And you love that. That tickles you. Well, it just, you know. Did they approach you? They approached us, yeah, they did. Because they knew about your love of John Smedley? Yeah, I've made no secret of my dedication to the brand over the years. The colour's fab. Well, this colour, yeah. That navy is gorgeous. Is that a John Smedley suit? No, no, they don't make suits. Okay, shall we next? Next. Well, I've always wanted to do, and here I am reaching out for sponsorship, I've always wanted to collaborate with Marks and Spencers.

6:29Oh, don't we all? Oh, shush. Bill, we should all be in that Christmas campaign. Bill, you're already in it. I'm not in it. I think that looks Paul Smith. Don't tell me that's M &S. No, no. That would have sealed the deal, mate. Well, no, what made me think of it in the first place was that a thousand years ago, Paul Smith did a range of suits for Marks and Spencers. Yeah, you see. And you could buy the shape, and they were in two colours, and you could buy the Paul Smith silhouette for like 120 quid, you know, which I thought was a very satisfying thing. And I've always loved the idea of mass-produced stuff, you know what I mean?

7:02like it's like I remember reading that Andy Warhol used to go to Bloomingdale's every new year and buy a hundred pairs of classic white jockey underpants why did he not wash them he just threw them away I guess so yeah yeah I didn't get I'm not that you know but that's a very good thought I think that's almost certainly the case so he had a hundred clean days but you know but he used to get them to take out all the psychedelic ones and all the sort of candy strike ones and he knew he wasn't going to buy them but you just have them bring them out and then he'd buy I just like bulk buying and when I didn't have any money and I used to hear about people who bought six shirts it was so like kind of out you know what I mean it was so sort of glamorous that you went in if you really liked a shirt you bought it six times which seemed to be so a bit if I find something that fits me and I quite like I bite in every color and then I'll bite two in the same color in case one wears out and goes a bit funny.

7:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not? So who's that suit by? This suit is by P. Johnson, who are in Percy Street. P. Johnson are a bunch of very inspired young Australian men and they've got an algorithm. Don't ask me to explain it because I don't understand, but they take measurements, mysterious measurements that I've never had taken before. And they also interpret what you want rather than trying to tell you what you want, which is vital because there are places where they try and impose a kind of house style which I think is wrong first time anybody ever said you know I mean the thing is when the ironic I keep using that word and I'm not sure if it's correct but you know the thing is when you make some money they call you up and say you know has Mr.

8:38Nye got everything he needs in other words they're going to give you stuff um why didn't they do that when I didn't have any money anyway you know it's obvious but uh the first time anybody made me a suit I was specifying what I wanted and I wanted a single vent in the jacket because I've never been able to rationalise why anybody would want to slash a jacket twice up the back unless you're involved in horse riding or something of that kind. And I want a single pleat at the front on the trouser. And he said, you can't have that. I said, what do you mean I can't have it? I said, who would we be offending?

9:07He said, you'd be offending the great god Sartorius. I said, I don't believe in God. He said, will you be offending me? I said, well, you know, you're not going to be around when I'm wearing it. Anyway, he now had me. How many events have you got? Only one. Only one. He gets what he wants. Yeah, of course. Do most men only wear one vented suit? No, it's now become, you know, everybody's got two vents. Would you ever wear double-breasted? I have worn a double-breasted, but they're kind of risky double-breasted. I mean, well, they're hard to construct. And they've got to be. I did, once I spent all the money I had, when I didn't have much money, on an Armani dark blue double-breasted suit with wide trousers.

9:50I wore it. I lived in it. I slept in it. I kind of, you know, I did everything in it. Because when I was younger, I used to do jobs which would be like a suit job. You'd get a suit job on the telly or something, and you wouldn't have much money, but they would let you buy the suit afterwards, after the gig, for like half price or a third of the price. And sometimes it was absolutely worth doing it. So I wouldn't have any clothes, but I would have an Yves Saint Laurent suit. But it would become like my overalls, and I would do everything in it. Yeah. Do you wear a suit every day? No, I don't. Well, that was my ambition because I used to have a mate of mine called John Brown who used to work at Dun & Co.

10:27You might remember Dun & Co. They were a kind of high street all over the country. Well, they were what, yeah, they were what your dad wore. But we as young, ironic, would be mods. We would, we'd go there and buy pleated trousers, which were like social death in 1971 or whatever. You know what I mean? Did you have a long raincoat as well? I did have a long raincoat. Of course. and you'd have a crumbie. You were not a mod, Mum. I was a mod, darling. Please give me strength. I went to the Twisted Wheel in Manchester, which was the... You heard of it. Say it again. The Twisted Wheel. Oh, yeah, I have heard of the Twisted Wheel.

11:00And it was the best clubbing. Sorry, Mum, you were wearing a little polo shirt. No, I didn't wear a polo shirt, but you wore a long... You had your hair done Vidal Sassoon. You had a long thing over your face. It was half cut up there. Was that just Manchester? And you had a V in the back of your head. and then you had a long raincoat which you wore almost inside as well. Yeah. And you wore kind of quite – I was a mod, Jeff. Mum, you – really? I didn't have a scooter. Did you have a scooter? No. I'm not a scooter kind of – no. I didn't think you were. That's not the thing. Have you ever – I mean, we're not – Do you want me to put the food on because Bill's hungry?

11:39Yeah. And I should ask you some food questions. Sure. But I've also got – because I've been listening to your podcast, which is brilliant. Thank you. and you have these like dulcet tones you're very relaxing it's quite reassuring you also give good advice I think um it's it's basically the premise of visit well you can why don't you explain the premise of your podcast if people don't know you're in your first season well the thing I like best about it is that it's an invitation to squander time it's like a cup of tea with me and we try to be inconsequential the premise was something to do with the fact that when you get to my age the risk is that you are mistaken for somebody who knows what to do you know that you've gathered all this wisdom in your time which you've only got to look at the newspaper or on the internet to see how that's working out in the world you know while these old men go around making a mess of everything but and uh members of the public ask questions um and let's talk about the fact that it's members of the public and you've got people from mongolia yeah calling in And Italy, I mean, you're very international, Bill.

12:43Yeah, yeah. No, it's quite, I didn't imagine that anyone was going to be much listening to it. But anyway, yeah, we are. We spread the planet wide. And people have got concerns about trousers and stuff like that. And they need to know, they need information. I'm quite good on trousers. I'm not so good on, you know, what to do with my girlfriend. I got one question from a woman in Australia, I think, who said that I think my husband thinks I love my houseplants more than I love him. like I'm going to know the answer to that. So did you not answer that one? I can't remember. Either the bad thing or the good thing, I think it's probably the good thing about the whole thing, is that I can never remember what I've said.

13:20People come up to me in the street and say, well, you know, I don't feel like that about whatever. And I think, why are you telling me that? And it's because I've said something. Because my mind goes blank once we've recorded. Do you feel like if somebody asked you the same question on another day, you'd give them a completely different answer? No. Or does your opinion on linen remains? Oh, no, that's forever. I mean, I think it's as plain as the, you know, I mean, how can anyone not know that? I mean, linen's okay for women, I think. Just. Yeah. Just. See, I. If they insist. I love linen. Well, there you go.

13:57That's good. You do look a bit hamstered therapist. But maybe I want to look hamstered therapist. Yeah, there's nothing wrong. That's very good. No, they do. They all look like they're working at the Tavistock. Well, I like librarian chic. What's that? Well, that's basically a form of mod. Little twin sets. Yeah, ironic twin set. There was a sub-genre of mod. Bill, you've used the word ironic. A lot, haven't you? A lot. I know. Is your podcast ironic? My podcast is dead without irony. If they don't get the joke, I'm lost. The idea is that it's a joke to think that I can answer anybody's question.

14:34but as long as I don't start using the word iconic rather than ironic or instead of but you are a fashionista aren't you? well does that mean I'm like that's very close to fascist you're stylish, you look gorgeous well that's very nice of you saying you walk in and there's a presence there you look like a stylish man well thank you very much for saying so partly it's basic insecurity I've never liked anything about myself very much I've never had great, I've always been kind of disappointed in my body. And I've always kind of, you know, I've never, I mean, it's all right. And now I look back and if ever I catch a sight, which I try not to, of an image of me when I was younger, I was thinking, well, what's wrong?

15:16You were all right. But at the time. You think, I know, I feel the same. So I thought, well, if you know, at my age, the responsibility is to be reasonably well turned out because otherwise, you know, what's happening? But and therefore, it's, you know, if I put a suit on, it's always going to be a better shape than I am. That's the idea. It's basically what you pay for when you buy clothes. It's like with couture dresses for women, they bring you a figure. And men used to have big shoulders and they'd have tight waists. Like Madman. I guess so. I've never seen Madman. Or like, you know, the guy, Roger.

15:49You would have been good at that. Yeah, you would have been. Yeah, what happened then? Very stylish. What happened then? I could have worn all those. And they might have let me keep the clothes. Keep the clothes. And in fact, sometimes I get it in my contract now. Oh, you poor. If it's a contemporary thing, yeah, I get to keep it. I want an Omali suit and I'm keeping it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, well played. What's your next project and what are you wearing? My next project, I don't know what I'm wearing. I'm doing a film called A Town in Nova Scotia and it's shot in Liverpool. I'm playing an Irishman who has a non-romantic but deep friendship with a Moroccan man who's disabled in a high-rise in Liverpool and my character gets obsessed with Grenfell and he's worried about his friend.

16:30It's actually, it sounds, you know, an unhappy film. It's actually quite funny. Who's directing it? The man who's directing it is an Iranian director called Babak Jalila. And I think, you know, it's a good thing. I've just spent three months in a caravan in 1975 dressed like my dad. I sent a picture of myself. You know those little woolen waistcoats with buttons? You'd wear it under a suit, you know. My dad always used to wear them, shirt and tie. and I was wearing one and pleated, big double pleated trousers and I sent a picture to my sister and she went, oh my God. She thought it was, you know, I didn't put a caption so she thought it was Dad, I think, because I look so much like my dad.

17:13Can we talk about where you grew up, who was around the dinner table and what is a very memorable dish from your childhood? Well, I grew up in Catrum, C-A-T-E-R-H-A-N. Just down the road, darling. Not very far. Where is that? Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, down from Croydon. And my dad came from Croydon and they moved out to Caterham to have a family. And I grew up with my brother Martin and my sister Anna, but I'm the youngest. And around the dinner table would have been my dad and my mum and my sister for quite a long time. But they left home, both my brother and my sister, they left home and I was there, just the three of us, for quite a long time.

17:53My grandmother, when she was alive, did all the cooking because my mum went out to work and my dad went out to work, obviously. And therefore, my grandmother kind of cooked for me. And she was Irish. And she cooked basically the same thing every day of the week. And you'd have fish and chips on Friday because I was brought up a Catholic. and we'd have sausage with onion gravy and probably mashed potato, which I can't do now because I'm squeamish about the gravy mixing up with the mash. You have talked about that you were in charge of your gravy. On Sunday, my two jobs were the gravy and the custard.

18:34Right. And there was nothing wrong with my custard. There was nothing wrong with my gravy. And a bit of Marmite goes a long way. It goes. Not in the custard. I think I love Marmite as much as you. Oh, wow. And I know you may not be able to believe that. No, I'm prepared to, you know, suspend my disbelief. Bill went to the same school as my hairdresser's son goes to. John Fisher. Yeah, I did. I did. Hold on. Say that again. My hairdresser's son goes to John Fisher's school. Your hairdresser's son. Okay, got it. Goes to the same school as Bill. Did you used to go to the Pearly Orchid? Did I? No, I was a bit, I missed the pearly orchid.

19:14Oh my God. What's the pearly orchid? It was where you went. Well, the pearly orchid was a ballroom and it was near me. I did go there occasionally, but I was a bit young for it. And it was claimed to be the largest dance floor in Europe. Oh. Whether that's true or not. Can I ask you, I interrupted you, you were talking about your squeamish about mash and gravy. Yeah, I was that difficult kid. I used to have the beans on the side and the toast on the other side. Particular. Because if the butter and the juice from the tomato juice or the beans got together, it disqualified me. But hang on, your favourite thing is marmite on toast with beans.

19:49I got over it. I got over it, yeah. Thank God. Yeah, yeah. I got over it. But you have to make, somebody told me, just last week somebody told me, I thought, why didn't it say? It was my nephew, I think, who said that he lets the, because the whole thing is that the bread's got to be crispy under the beans. It can't go that word that's on the banned list, which begins with S and ends with Y and has an O and two G's in it. Soggy. Yeah, you had to say it, didn't you? Sorry. Do you prefer soggy to moist? Neither, yeah. No, I prefer moist. I prefer moist to soggy. I can't believe we're having this conversation.

20:26No, but he said he used to let the toast go cold because it would be crispier and harder, yeah. Okay, that's quite good intel, but I like, I guess then the beans are going to kind of warm it back up. Well, yeah, exactly. As long as you've got really hot beans. Have you tried this out yet? I haven't, no. Because I've sort of given up. I don't eat at home anymore. So you eat out all the time? I eat out all the time. I go to the cafe for breakfast. I sometimes have lunch. I'm not very good at lunch. And I have dinner always out with a book. Yes. So what are you reading at the moment? At the moment I am reading a book that was sent to me by Bernard Jacobson of the Bernard Jacobson Gallery about Georges Braque.

21:11It's a very good book and I'm really excited about reading. A lot of it I don't understand, but there's something about reading about painting that just eases my mind. Books I've read most recently are the new collection of essays and articles by Zadie Smith. I'm a big fan of Zadie. And I read that. And my book of the year, or last year, was The Trees by Percival Everett. And I read Miranda July's book, All Fours. What did you think of All Fours? I loved All Fours. In fact, I recorded it in voice memo for a friend of mine. Which recorded what? The whole of the book. I do this thing sometimes. I do this thing sometimes where I...

21:55Not on Audible. You just did this for your mates. Just for a friend. It started because a friend of mine got ill and he was in bed and he couldn't do anything. He couldn't really read either because he was very ill. And I couldn't think of and he was he was in Los Angeles. So I couldn't visit or anything. I just thought, what can you do? What could I do? And so I said, you want to hear a book, you know? And so I used to I read him Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion, which is a fabulous book. and I read it every morning. I would do like 10 minutes on a voice memo and ping it over. And there are, you know, 124 voice memos and there's the book.

22:32And I did it with another person who was not in good shape and I did Virginia Woolf night and day. So night and day, I've got it all on my, you know, it's all on my phone. And I did all fours, which was quite, you know. Yeah, I can imagine that being. And I did say to the people, I only sent it to about three people and I said, don't let this out of the loop because, you know, There are scenes in it where, you know, a man like me reading those particular scenes is kind of, you know. I'd really love to get that voice memo. Well, you can have that. I'd love to get that particular voice memo. Wow.

23:10Oricchetti. Well, we heard you like Putinesca. Thank you. I do. You don't like to call it Putinesca, though. Well, I mean, I don't mind privately calling it Putinesca. but I just wonder about in public domain. Respectfully, got it. Respectfully, everyone. So we've, Mum, I've done nothing. Mum has made you Putinesca. It looks absolutely fantastic and I'm not lying or kidding. We can put some chilli flakes on the side. I'd just put them in it. Because Lenny's not great with heat. Oh, no, that's fine. So I'm going to like you. Do you want some hot sauce? Yeah, hot sauce. You really like hot. So, as somebody that, you know, I feel like gives advice, have you ever been told off for adding too much hot sauce, like an offending, this is not to say you're offending us, by the way.

24:00Or is it too hot? No, no, I'm fine. I feel like you've got like numb taste buds and tongue by this point. Right. I don't really know. There's some grated parmesan where you can grate your own. Thank you. I've always had a tolerance for spice And I used to In the old days when you went When they used to have They don't seem to have it anymore But when you went to an Indian restaurant They'd have vindaloo They'd have madras Vindaloo and phal P-H-A-L And I would always go for the phal And that's when the waiters start sort of hovering around Just to have a laugh They think that you're going to implode or something Were you doing it because you wanted to test yourself?

24:41No, I just wanted I was drawn I want your bowl for some salad in case you want some. Yeah, thank you very much. Hold on. I haven't dressed the salad because I don't know. I was drawn to the heat. I didn't even think about it. It was just like, I mean, I don't think I gave it much thought. I just wanted the heat. And I've always had it. It was only a couple of times when anything's been... Delicious, Mum, thanks. Is it? When anything's too hot. I'm just going to have a taste of this because it looks absolutely perfect. Any good? Oh, Lenny. Is there? Really, really, really. I think that's going to be too spicy for you.

25:18Probably. And did you see how much hot sauce he just put on? I think you should do hot ones. Have you heard about that? No. Oh, no. The chicken wings. I think you could get to the bomb. It's like a spice challenge. See, she's got like, look, and did you not see what he put on? It's spicy. No, bless you. Shit. Would you never do it? No. Why? Well, because they might find something that would make my eyes water. Oh, but maybe they wouldn't because you seem to be fine. Well, yeah, but I mean, there's only a couple of times. I used to go to a Thai restaurant in the Archway, and I'd go there all the time, and they know that I want it as spicy as it can possibly be, but I never, ever was able just to leave it alone.

26:00Each time, even though I went there once a week, I'd have to say, as they were walking away, I'd say, yeah, but can it be really, you know, and they should have a hand on the door of the kitchen. I'd say, can it be like, she'd be like, yeah, like she didn't know. But then one time in the Indian restaurant in Notting Hill, they came over with a special chilli and they showed it to me and they said, this is really, really hot. And I said, well, that's fine, put it on the thing. And they said, well, you've got to be really, I was like, yeah, right, really. And then it nearly blew my ears off and I had to fake it and sit there and pretend that I was completely relaxed.

26:39So you didn't ask for yogurt or milk? No, I didn't dare because it would have spoiled my image. So you eat out three times a day. Well, twice a day. Always twice a day, sometimes three times a day. Okay, so you start in the calf. Is it always the same calf? Mm-hmm. I have my average breakfast currently is two poached eggs on Marmite toast, obviously, with a bit of avocado on the quiet with olive oil and pepper. Why avocado on the quiet? I mean, it's me attempting to be amusing by not saying on the side but saying on the quiet. Okay, got it. Sorry. It's just a little thing I do sometimes to make me more attractive.

27:26But you busted me, so there you go. But I – no, I – and then I have a banana because the doctor told me I should eat two bananas a day. Why? I don't know. It was like one of those things. Potassium, I guess, yeah. He did say two. I never managed to. I like banana. Pardon? Do you like bananas? I do like bananas. Thank God. Do you like them ripe or firm? I like them firm, lemony. There's a peak moment, isn't there, with a banana, which you very rarely manage to hit the mat. How do you have your coffee? I don't have coffee in the morning anymore. I have tea. I have two cups of Yorkshire tea, reaching out for sponsorship, and I have it very, very, very, very strong, as strong as I can.

28:12I do take the teabag out. I have it made in the cup with a teabag. I don't want a pot because it's a waste of time. I want it straight to the cup. And I leave it in quite a long time and I mash it and mash it and mash it until every drop of caffeine is released into the liquid. And then I hit it with the tiniest drop of milk. And I have one of those in the morning before I leave the house. and then I have another one after my breakfast in the cafe. And if I had any sense, that would be the end of my caffeine day. But I don't have any sense. And it depends on if I'm working. I have had a history of coffee abuse and I used to drink massive amounts of espresso and drink incredible amounts of Coca-Cola and smoke ridiculous and deeply regretted amounts of cigarettes.

29:03but I'm over that now. Yeah, you're sugar-free now, huh? Hmm, I am. How long have you been sugar-free? I had my phone. Oh, I can tell you, 1350 days. Are you monitoring? Have you got an app where... I have a... No, I have a... My friend Mick Jones and I discovered that we had the same relationship with sugar and I used to fall off wagons. I'd get quite a long time but then it would always turn out to be a wagon and wagons are for one thing only, which is falling off. then I would binge. The last time I seriously fell off a wagon, I went to the sweet shop. I'm like an eight-year-old with a credit card.

29:41I went to the sweet shop and I bought a sack of chocolate and other sweets. And I bought two of everything. And it was a carrier bag full of stuff. And I was walking home through my area and I thought, if I meet anyone that I know, it's possible. I might say, what's in the bag? and I would have to say, I'm visiting an orphanage tomorrow and I've bought something for the children because there would be no other way of explaining how a man of my age was walking around with a sack full of high street chocolate. How much did you do of the sack? I crossed a line because I went home and I did something I'd never done before, which turned out to be a good thing.

30:25I went to bed with the sack and I got the whole of the chocolate out on the cover, the bed cover. And then I went to Mars and looked back down and saw this man in very late middle age, I was younger then, with a bed covered in high street chocolate. And I saw myself. So I put it all back in the bag and I put the bag in the rubbish and I didn't go back to take it out of the rubbish. So you can tell that this is my relationship with sugar, right? but then uh Mick and I have been texting each other you know just day one two three four five and then you meet people and you tell them about it they go well I'm the same or my can my girlfriend come and can my mom my sister's like you know so now there are 60 people registered this is on on the we're called the sugar-free pioneers my friend has recently joined oh really Jack oh yes which Jack is on yeah yeah and we post every day and there are there's about 27 people that post every morning with their day count.

31:27So back to a day in the life of Bill and eating. So you're going to start. Marmite's going to be there. Poached eggs at the moment. The two bananas. Where are you going for lunch? If I went to lunch in my area, I might go to Cacio Pepe in Churton Street, where Wafai and Samir, who are brothers and sisters who run the restaurant, would sort me out with their perennial exquisite fish soup. And I might accompany that with a bit of burrata and tomatoes and have them at the same time. Where are you getting your chilli from at that meal? Oh, they have a special bottle. For you? Well, I like to think it's for me.

32:11I'm not sure. I can't guarantee it's for me, but I think it's for me. And it's chilli oil, which they make on the premises. That goes all over my everything. It goes in the soup, makes the soup much more interesting. I mean, I'm not big on lunch, really. It's not, I don't have a lot of lunches. Okay. Unless I'm working, if I'm working, then it's, you know, it'll be, I always have the same thing, which is I have mozzarella and cherry tomatoes in my trailer at work. But I always have, if they've got chips on that day, I'll have chips with it. Or if they've got any kind of potato. I don't really like mozzarella.

32:50Do you not? It doesn't taste of anything. I know it in. Yeah, but it's quite comforting. No, I don't find it. It's kind of rubbery and tasteless. And burrata makes me feel faint when you get into it. And it just oozes out. Well, then you shouldn't go out for lunch with Bill. I'm not going out for lunch with you, Bill. We'll have dinner. We'll have dinner. Where are you going for dinner? I rotate several restaurants. I go to Tozi, T-O-Z-I I go to Vasco and Piero's Pavilion at number 11 Darbley Street which I've been going to for years and years and years I just got lucky once and wandered in off the street and it's an exemplary restaurant and it's not a scene, it's quiet and I can read but the food is terrific and that's one of my favourite restaurants in London I used to go to all of Jeremy King and Christopher Corbyn's restaurants because why wouldn't you?

33:49So have you stopped going to the Wolsey then? Do you go to Arlington? Well, I did stop going to the Wolsey because I thought I was doing that out of respect for Jeremy and Christopher. But in fact, I got a kind of wayward three-tiered-down message saying do continue to go to the Wolsey for the staff and all of that. So I do go to the Wolsey. I love the Wolsey. And I go to Sheiky's. Never been. I went to Sheiky's two weeks ago. Did you? Yeah. Who is? My friends, my colleagues. Oh. It was her face at the place. I had skate. I love skate. My mum used to like skate. Do you always go out on your own?

34:27You're on your own a lot. Well, I am on my own, and I like that. Do you? So you can read? I'm unattached, and I don't cook. I do have now a small Jewelit, reaching out for sponsorship, a Jewelit kind of oven, little oven thing. Yeah. which I was persuaded to have. The first time I had a flat properly of my own and the builders were taking out the old gas cooker because I said, see, it looked terrible. And they said, when's the new one coming? I said, there's not going to be... I was deciding how to live, you know. I said, well, there's not going to be a new one. It's like Carrie Bradshaw. Yeah.

35:07Why would I have a new one? I mean, you're kind of like a New Yorker. Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah, it is. They just eat out all the time, don't they? I never eat in. Well, then yes, I am, yeah. Do you order in? No, I never order in. I don't believe in... I can't relax around takeaway food. I just doesn't. By the time it gets to me, I think it's over. You know what I mean? What, the anticipation and the kind of... No, just the packaging. Oh, the packaging. It's the packaging and the fact that, I don't know, it's been on a bike. You know what I mean? You've got to get rid of stuff. Yeah. I did do it, I mean I didn't like everyone During Covid I did it quite a lot But I never enjoyed it I don't get a bang out of it at all I like to go out and a lot of it is to do with the book Because it's reading time And I read at breakfast and I read At lunch if I have it and I read at dinner Those are my big reading times I mean I'm not always on my own I have dinner with friends sometimes I have got friends you know But I have no Problem, I once was making a film with Richard Curtis and at the end of a working day he said, where are you going?

36:18I said, I'm going for dinner. He said, oh, where are you going? I said, I'm going to a Thai restaurant in the archway. He said, who are you going with? I said, nobody. I'm just going on my own. He went, you're going on your own? I was like, yeah. And you've got to be careful what you say to writers. Because the next day there were a couple of pages and it said, he eats alone. Ah!

36:48Are you doing theatre any time soon? No, I don't think so, no. I can't imagine what that would be, but you never know. Do you enjoy theatre? Yeah, I mean, it's been a big part of my life. I started out in the theatre. I was, you know, it was years after I started being an actor, before I was in front of a camera, and I was very, very happy. I never really thought. Times were very different, and my expectations, I think, were kind of very low, would be considered to be low. I didn't think they were low. But I thought it was going to be a life in the theatre, you know, and I thought that, and I was perfectly relaxed and happy with it.

37:26But then, you know, anyway, but, yeah, enjoy is a word I always have trouble with, but, you know what I mean. But I do, yeah, I mean, if I was to tell my grandchildren, not that they're ever going to ask, but if I was to tell them, if they said, you know, what were the most satisfying moments moments of your professional career a lot of them would be in the theatre when nobody can remember and they were you know and it's it's gone obviously but they they were moment there are because it's I find it very alarming my job is quite alarming generally speaking you know and to be live in a theatre in a play in a theatre is quite a reckless thing to attempt it's amazing that I persevered because I've suffered agonies of self-doubt live on stage all the time.

38:08So it's almost like punishment to yourself I honestly can't tell you why anyone in my position then would have carried on the only reason I can give which I think is probably I don't know I'm not a reliable witness but I think it was because I couldn't stand the idea of having that conversation where they say you still acting and me saying no I don't do that no I gave that you I just couldn't bear my pride. I was prideful and I couldn't bear the thought of that conversation. And I didn't have a plan B anyway. I didn't have any levels. I flunked school. Didn't you go to Marseille to avoid doing your GCSEs or something?

38:49Well, it was sort of that. They were then called O-levels, but yeah, GCSEs. And I did run away. Me and my friend Peter, we ran away. That wasn't the only reason. It wasn't just because you saw the GCSEs coming. But we ran away. We'd looked at the map and we were going to go to, it shows you how old I am, we were going to go to the Persian Gulf. The Persian Gulf, which doesn't exist now. No, it's not. What's it called? Iran. Iran, actually. Anyway, then it sounded good. You know, the Gulf sounded great. I had no idea what it meant. But we got as far as Marseille and we got to the docks and we were trying to jump a ship to go to wherever, the next bit of the journey.

39:31And then there were these very spooky guys down there. There was one guy in leather trousers, you see what I'm saying? And a red top. And in the end, we got very, very hungry, and we went to the British consulate and said, can we go home now? And it cost£25 to take me home, and it took me about three years to pay it back, working on the petrol pumps. And my dad was not happy. Furious. You can imagine. Did you have to reset your exam? No, they came up and I just flunked them. I mean, I got nothing, really. I got a D in something, in English literature, I think. it was a disaster and then I was asked to leave and I went down the youth employment agency you used to go down the youth employment agency with your mum I went with my mum and the bloke said he had a big book of jobs and he said what do you want to be and it was a big day for me because nobody had ever asked me and I said well I want to be an author because that was what I wanted to be And he said, well, we don't have any jobs for author.

40:33And I said, well, no, I didn't think you would. But my mother put her foot on the top of my foot under the desk and just pressed down really hard as if to say, don't be so bloody stupid. You know what I mean? Author. And then he said, well, what if we look in the book and we see if there's something that might lead you to being? And I went, all right. And he got me a job as a messenger boy on the Field magazine, which was hunting, shooting and fishing. I don't think it was. Nice, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it was a good job. It was better than working in a garage. Yeah, it was a great job. They used to put me...

41:05Well, I was a kid from the suburbs, and they put me in black cabs. I'd go and change all the magazines in the hotels, all the big hotels in their racks, and you'd get a cheese roll around the back and a cup of tea. And it was all... I used to wave at Rolls-Royces. I was totally overexcited about being in town. And I waved at one Rolls-Royce, and when I got back to the office, I got called to the managing director's office, and I thought I was going to be fired. And he said, I was just driving in my car and I passed you in the street and you started to jump up and down and wave at my car. That's not the sort of behavior we expect from, yeah, I got busted for waving at the wrong car.

41:44But anyway, yeah, so it was a good... And in the end, Lord Harmsworth, who was the man who ran the whole affair, he said, if you get, again, it shows how long ago, if you get shorthand and typing, will put you in the sub-editor's office. So, you know, that was writing words for money. But I used to have to change the roller towel in the ladies' room. And there was a time people were always quite, you know, slightly older than me but glamorous young women. And they would always do this thing of whenever I went in to change the roller towel in the ladies' room, they would all come in. And there was a bed in the ladies' room where you could lie down if you felt, you know, faint or anything.

42:30But they'd all come in and pretend to need to be in the ladies' room just to wind me up because I was very easy to wind up. And I would blush and I would fumble the fucking roller towel and I'd just, you know, scamper away. But that was one of my jobs. And it was a nice job. And Mr. Dale, who was my immediate superior, who was the kind of live-in janitor and caretaker, he said, you should be in the army. Why aren't you in the army? Well, a lot of people used to say that at that time. You know, it sort you out. You know, you've got everything in the army. But I was going to go to, I am a walking, talking cliche.

43:04I'd read Movable Feast by Ernest Hemingway, everything by F. Scott Fitzgerald, you know, anyone who'd been in Paris between 1918 and 1930. And I was going to go to Paris and write the great English short story. And I ran away again and I ran to, and I threw my suitcase out the window, literally. my mate caught it and I went to Paris and I went straight to Shakespeare and Company the very famous bookshop there and I hoped that you know I would write killer sentences and get a girlfriend and I didn't write a word and I ended up and I didn't get a girlfriend no there was a girl in England who was the first girl who'd ever paid any attention to me and I overreacted catastrophically I only lasted about three weeks and I didn't know what to say to her or what to do.

43:53And quite rightly, she fired me. But I thought if I go to Paris, it might impress her. And when I came home, she couldn't have been less impressed. She was like, Paris, what were you doing in Paris? And I had no answer for that. But I went and we ended up, my friend Brendan Thomas-Elliot, my oldest friend, and I ended up in Paris and we begged on the Trocadero. and avez-vous en franc pour moi, madame? It's about all my French I got. And the photographers on the Trocadero would come over with wads of cash and they'd show you rolls of cash and they'd say Madame Cuckoos and they would explain that if you went to Madame Cuckoos and if you made love to what they called older women, you'd get 250 francs and your dinner.

44:39But I'd never made love to anyone and I was waiting on the future Mrs. Nye and I didn't want to cheat on her before she turned up. You know what I mean? And Brendan, I don't think, had ever been with a girl. I don't know. I'm sorry, Brendan. You probably were very experienced, actually. But we never went. But we used to sit there counting how many women we would have to sleep with in order to buy a Harley Davidson. Because there were these blokes that used to... Because it was before helmets. That's how old I am. You could cruise around all the cafes in Paris with big aviator shades, lots of hair, you know, and great shoes and a suit on.

45:18Did you smoke Goules at the time? I did smoke Goules and Gétans. And I regret every cigarette I ever smoked, children, which is sincere, and it's great when it stops. So we used to, that's all we did. We just sat on the Trocadero and tried to get enough money to go to the Street of a Thousand Knicks, we used to call it. It was actually called Rue Mui Fui or something. And we would go in and we had a trench coat. I don't know whether I should do this, but. Do it. We had a trench coat with big pockets inside. So one of, and it was before, you know, CCTV. And you could go in and one of us, we'd get like 20 somptimes from somebody on the trocaderole.

46:00We'd pretend to mistake Americans for Parisians. That was the scam. You'd say, now you'd go over and you'd say, j 'ai très soif, j 'ai très soif, that's all I know. And they'd say, oh, my God, when did you last eat? And you'd go, well, my parents were recently divorced, and the cheque that I generally hasn't come through. Did you do a French accent when you were doing that? No, no, no. But you would mistake them for, you'd pretend that you'd mistaken them for a local person, like a Parisienne. Okay. And then they would give you 20 centimes, which was very little money, but it would be enough to get in the shop.

46:37and then one of us would go up the shop and try and spend the 20, and take a long time working out which chocolate bar while the other one went round the shop. Putting stuff in your pockets. And miming now. Yeah, and Brendan would do stupid things like he'd get a tin of salmon and we'd get to the park and I'd say, what are we supposed to do with a tin of salmon? Because you couldn't open it because it hadn't got a thing on it. You needed a note, we didn't, you know. Do you think that was like your first acting gig? There was an element of, yeah, there was an element of acting, I suppose, yeah.

47:04Darling, would you like some cheese? Can I open some biscuits for you? I'll have a little bit of something, yeah, that would be great. What would you like? I like the look of... Please, which ones? What are they? They look... They look like matzah. They look nice. Okay, we'll open that. Can I have a bit of that? Bill, you are a grandfather. Yeah. What's the best thing about being a grandfather? It is a very, very good deal, being a grandfather. I like it because I get to spoil them. Yeah. Because I see that as my job. Where do you stand on sweets for grandchildren? Well, you're sugar-free, so this is interesting.

47:39Yeah, I know. But my grandchildren are not sugar-free. And my grandchildren, when they come to my house, and I always say, don't tell your mother. And then they run home immediately and say, he lets us have anything we want. Exactly. Your daughter will go, I'll say, you can't tell mum and dad because this is a secret. The first thing she does is, grandma told me a secret. I've had Haribo as grandma. Yeah, they don't get the concept. of being a secret. Here, darling. I'm glad you provide butter with the cheese and crackers. A lot of people don't. It's very nice. God, you did well, Mum. That was perfect.

48:14I can't understand why people don't have butter with it. Last supper. Last supper. Oh. It doesn't have to be as sad as that. No. You can be going to a desert island for a very long time. Yeah. What would it consist of? I feel like I know the breakfast. Yeah. But would you take us through a starter, a main, a pud and a drink of choice? A starter. I'd either have asparagus if it was in season, just with olive oil and lemon. Oh, I tell you another restaurant I love. I love Giovanni's in Goodwins Court in Covent Garden. And that makes me think of asparagus because Pino, who runs the exemplary Giovanni's in Goodwins Court, prepares the asparagus in a very wonderful way.

49:03So that, or I would have a soup, and if it was going to be a soup, I do like a really, really good minestrone soup. Oh, I do too. At Vasco and Piero's Pavilion in No. 11 Darbley Street in London's Soho, they do a starter, which is carpaccio of tuna with ginger, no, thank you, ginger dressing. which I always have and it comes with a little salad of avocado and onion but the ginger and balsamic dressing is absolutely sensational actually I'll have that so I'll have the tuna carpaccio with ginger a la vascos I'll have it with the ginger and balsamic dressing and then for my main course well you know I think that puttanesca is about as good as it gets I think if it were my, I'm not being cute.

50:00I mean, I really do like. It's cute though. I do like, you know, if that was my main course, I'd be very, very happy. Good. And I would want a fabulous fruit salad, which is an art in itself. Yeah, I think so. Now that I'm thankfully free of all sugar concerns and I never have to think about it, I have become a connoisseur of the fruit salad. Give us the perfect fruit salad place, Bill. Well, the Woolsey does a good cook. a good, you don't want all that juice. I mean, the perfect one, you've got to have pineapple because it's got more sugar in it than in the air. I would have mandarins, banana, pineapple.

50:42Just a little bit of banana. Bill. All right, all right. That's very controversial. Okay, forget the banana. Okay, fine. Well, it's only to give it a bit of oomph. I mean, it's not like a lot of banana. Because it does get soggy. You said it again. Yeah. Sorry, you hate that word now. You've said it again. In a minute, you're going to say runny, and then we're going to have to close the whole thing down. These are words that... It's like mushy. Oh, well, there's another one. Oh, my God. How can you? I never have mushy peas. I always have regular peas with fish and chips, obviously. But anyway, yeah, so all right, no banana, mandarin, pineapple, raspberries, blueberries, and a little bit of melon, but don't go mad.

51:26I don't know if this would be allowed for Sugar Free. Would you be allowed stem ginger? No, I wouldn't. But you see, you have to remember that on the, well, you don't have to remember because you don't know yet. I'm about to tell you. But on the Sugar Free Pioneer WhatsApp group, there are no rules. There's no police. Nobody says you can't have that because that doesn't, it's unattractive and wrong. So if you can live with stem ginger, go ahead. But for me, it could be. I don't know. I don't think I've ever... I think I have had stem ginger. Yeah, we put in our fruits, our special fruits. Well, it sounds great.

52:06We put stem ginger and lychees. Lychees make me nervous. Me too. Oh, really? They're like eyeballs. Yeah. Well, now you've brought it up. Yeah. They're very peculiar. They're very nice in our fruit size. I've never been a fan of them, and I remember you used to get them because Hannah, my sister, likes them. There you are. Your brother. It's coming up to Christmas, and so you know what time that is. It becomes love actually time. Are you so exhausted by it, or does it still kind of tickle you every year that it comes around? Yeah. It still gives me pleasure that something as kind of benign as that, thank you very much, something that promotes, you know, the best of people, has entered the language like that.

52:56I mean, it's, you know, the fact that nobody knew when they were making it that it would become, I mean, it's a Christmas movie, so it might, you know, you might expect it to be played at Christmas, but it's entered the language in a way that I don't know. Very few films do, you know, and I've had people come up, tell me all kinds of things from it helped me through my chemo to, you know, I got married to the song or, you know, there's all kinds, you know, and they get, and they have evenings where they dress up as the characters and stuff, you know, it's like that. Oh my goodness. But I never get, no, I'm not, I don't get bored with it.

53:30I'm very, very happy. I was very happy to be in it and it's fabulous that it carries on. I mean, I am more famous at Christmas, there's no question about it. A woman came up to me the other day and said, you are Mr. Christmas, aren't you? Do you like Christmas? Yeah, I don't mind Christmas. I'm not, you know, yeah, I don't mind it. Some people love it. You like your husband. My husband, it's like... He started making mince. The first of December, he allows himself to have his first mince pie. We've got mince... Meat. Meat that's been getting ready since September. Wow. And we've got enough for like three years.

54:11He's obsessed. When Love Actually first came out, the kids across the street where I was living used to chase me down the street shouting, saying, hey, kids, don't buy drugs. Become a rock star. People give you them for free, which is a joke from London. Yeah. And once I was going through immigration from Canada to the United States at about 4 o 'clock in the morning or something. There was nobody in the hall apart from me, and there were three guys behind glass booths, and one of them had a big black moustache, and I thought, don't give me the guy with the big black moustache. and he eventually he pointed at me and he said hey kids don't buy drugs become a rock star people give you them for free am i right am i right like that and i was like drugs no no no no i've got no drugs you know it was like a couple of times it's really helped me where i've cruised through certain things you know like i think i hold the record for getting a visa out of the american embassy i mean it took eight minutes and i think they know my work i could be fooling myself and i just got lucky but you know it's like the american embassy you sit there with your number and you sit you can sit there for three hours i honestly it was under 10 minutes the guy said oh please come with me i'm going with you next time bill yeah come with your own ones up and i'll come with you come with me i'll get you in and out before we let you go it's been a total pleasure but we have a few more questions.

55:42Mum, would you like to ask? Which song? I know you play air guitar very, very well. Thank you. You can't really do karaoke air guitar. Maybe you can. But which song would you sing or play air guitar to? Which would be your favourite song? That's a very good question. If I was going to air guitar to a guitar solo, the first thing that comes to mind is a song called Hook Me Up by Johnny Guitar Watson. Check out the guitar. Check out the guitar sound. I'm a big Johnny Guitar Watson fan and I'm on a mission to reintroduce him to the world generally. Can you give us a couple of their guitar chords?

56:25You mean and make the noises? No. I mean, I'd love to see that, but no, you don't have to. No, I won't do. I can't just, you know, I have to prepare. I've got to tune in. I've got to tune it. I've got to get it, you know, all, you know, I've got to get it right. What would be your guitar of choice? It's not going to be a ukulele, is it? It's not going to be a ukulele. No, I mean, I don't really know. My brother is the one who knows all about guitars. He's got loads of guitars. Oh, actually, he's got the new Johnny Marr seven string guitar. Seven string? Yeah, it's very, very cool. So maybe that would be my choice.

57:02And before we let you go, can you please give us a nostalgic taste that can transport you back somewhere? Or scent. Well, the smell of Swafiga and Marmite sandwiches. Swafiga. What's Swafiga? It's what mechanics use to wash their hands with. It's like a greasy. Yeah, because I was not born in, I was born in a hospital, but I was brought up in my early years in a house that was part of a petrol station. so the petrol pumps were outside our front door and the workshop was next to the kitchen and my dad was the works manager and I used to clean cars sometimes but that smell of Swafiga which I don't know if they have anymore which is a kind of, it's not liquid soap but it's sort of like a jelly it's like a jelly soap and I used to wash cars and I used to have Marmite sandwiches and the combination of Swafiga on your hands and the Marmite is very evocative which is not particularly romantic, I understand.

58:01It doesn't matter. I love it. It does take me back. Bill Nye, thank you for coming here and being such a great guest. Thank you very much indeed. It's been a pleasure. Best of luck with the podcast. Thank you very much. I think you don't need it because I think it's going very, very well. Are you enjoying it? Yeah, it's very nice to spend time with my fabulous producer, Alice Williams, who I understand is your producer too. Yes. And, yeah, no, it's been fun. I mean, I was very nervous about it. I mean, I'm nervous about most things. And I pulled out three times or something before I finally did it because I just thought, I'm going to make a fool of myself.

58:35But actually, you know, the reaction has been very favourable and people seem to, you know, like it. And it is, you know, it is an invitation to waste time, which I think is, you know, it's not nothing. There aren't many opportunities to do that. And I try and be a reasonable company while it's happening. You're a great company. You're a good fan. You're excellent company. Thank you. may react. It's actually a waste for you to sit on your own reading a book. You should be entertaining people at dinner every night. Well. No, he's still going out for dinner on his own tonight reading a book. Thanks, Bill.

59:07Pleasure.

59:21Bill Nye, what a storyteller What a styler What a star What a fabulous man Oh I loved having Bill He was so open and fab and the stories are brilliant I know, I love his stories And the suit, it reminded me of Paul Smith a little bit. Yes, you did, actually. That style. Totally. That very slender, looks super cool in suits. I think a man in a suit, you can't go wrong. I really enjoyed having him over. I enjoyed him having seconds of the Putinesca. Yeah. Bless him. We did make him a tea, but he didn't have time. And you had to give him the candorel, which is like your icing. Why have you got icing candorel?

1:00:04It isn't icing. It's what I use for stewed fruit. Oh. So that I don't put sugar in. Oh. But your sister's told me that I'm going to kill myself by using that. Oh, right. Okay. Cool. Corsonogenic. Food was delicious. The putinesca was really good. So hot. It was not that hot. And then he put so much more spice on it. I thought it was going to faint. I had a hot flush on when I started to eat it. Cheese board. We need to do that more often, though. People like a cheese board, don't they? I like a cheese board. Well, Americans like it before their dinner. They do. Thank you to Bill Nye for coming on Table Manners.

1:00:38His new podcast, Ill-Advised by Bill Nye, is out now and it's really good.

1:01:03Thank you.